Making Prayer a Priority in Your Marriage

Summary

Podcast Summary: Focus on the Family with Jim Daly Episode Title: Making Prayer a Priority in Your Marriage
Release Date: April 17, 2025

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Introduction

In the April 17, 2025 episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, hosts Jim Daly and John Fuller delve into the pivotal role of prayer in strengthening Christian marriages. Joined by special guests Ryan and Selina Frederick, authors and podcast hosts from the website Fierce Marriage, the discussion offers profound insights, personal testimonies, and practical guidance on integrating prayer into marital life.

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The Power of Prayer in Marriage

Jim Daly underscores the transformative power of prayer within marriages, citing a compelling statistic: "less than 1% of couples who pray together every day end in divorce" (00:38), illustrating the profound impact of a shared prayer life. He references German pastor Dietrich Bonhoeffer, who highlighted that "praying for one another is the heartbeat of the Christian community" (00:38), emphasizing its relevance in marriage.

Ryan Frederick echoes this sentiment, discussing the challenges many couples face in maintaining a consistent prayer routine. He observes, "we functionally don't think we need God. So we go about our day" (02:32), attributing the neglect of prayer to a lack of perceived need and underlying pride.

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Personal Journeys: Overcoming Challenges through Prayer

Ryan and Selina Frederick share their personal journey of recognizing the necessity of prayer in their marriage. Ryan recounts a period when his focus on work and self-sufficiency led to a distancing from prayer: "I just realized I was doing it completely on my own strength. And the Lord graciously convicted me" (04:40). This realization prompted him to prioritize prayer over personal achievements, declaring, "lord, I need you more than I need revenue" (04:44).

Selina complements this narrative by describing her approach to maintaining a prayerful attitude amidst the chaos of parenting: "I pray that I wouldn't just feed their tummies, but I'd feed their souls" (05:19). Together, they illustrate how prayer fosters humility, reliance on God, and a deeper connection with each other.

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Practical Guidance: How to Incorporate Prayer into Marriage

The Fredericks introduce their resources, “40 Prayers for My Wife” and “40 Prayers for My Husband”, designed as prayer journals and prompts to help couples engage in purposeful prayer (02:00). They emphasize the importance of structured prayer, suggesting frameworks like the Lord’s Prayer and the ACTS model (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication) to guide couples in their prayer life.

Ryan Frederick explains the application of the Lord’s Prayer in marital prayer: "It starts out our Father in heaven. Well, there's two really grounding things in that statement... He relates to us from a familial way... I find that helpful as a prompt and an outline" (15:45).
This structured approach helps couples focus their prayers on God’s character and their relationship dynamics.

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Overcoming Awkwardness in Praying Together

Addressing the common discomfort couples may feel when praying together, the Fredericks offer strategies to ease into this intimate practice. Selina Frederick advises, "Lean into the awkwardness" (19:15), encouraging couples to embrace the initial discomfort as they develop a prayer routine. They suggest starting with simple actions, such as holding hands and using the Lord’s Prayer as a foundation, to build familiarity and comfort.

Ryan Frederick adds, "When we fix our eyes on God, we fix our eyes on Him. Then again, that calibration happens... It begins to take the focus off ourselves" (20:06). This shift in focus from self-consciousness to a shared spiritual connection helps alleviate awkwardness and fosters genuine communication with God and each other.

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Core Principles for a Prayerful Marriage

The Fredericks highlight three essential principles from their books that can enhance a marriage through prayer:

1. Be Hopeful
   Ryan Frederick emphasizes the importance of approaching prayer with expectation:
   "when we pray, we need to pray expecting that God will move" (22:17).
   This hopeful attitude encourages couples to trust in God’s transformative power over time.

2. Create Margin
   Selina Frederick discusses the necessity of allocating time not just to speak but also to listen during prayer:
   "if I'm sitting, making my request to God for 10 minutes, maybe I should at least sit for 10 minutes and listen" (23:19).
   Creating margin ensures that prayer remains a two-way conversation, allowing space for divine guidance.

3. Pray Continually
   Ryan Frederick interprets 1 Thessalonians 5:17 as an attitude of ongoing awareness and accessibility to prayer:
   "praying continually is a function of being aware of your situation and thinking, I can pray" (24:05).
   This principle encourages integrating prayer seamlessly into daily life, fostering a constant connection with God.

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Encouragement and Resources for Couples

In concluding the episode, Jim Daly and John Fuller provide resources for couples seeking to strengthen their marriage through prayer. They promote the Hope Restored Marriage Intensives, a program designed to help couples heal and enhance their relationships through biblically based counseling. Additionally, listeners are encouraged to obtain the Fredericks' prayer journals as practical tools for cultivating a consistent prayer life.

Ryan Frederick offers a heartfelt prayer for the listeners: "Lord, we pray that you would teach them how to pray, show them how to pray for one another, show them how to pray with each other... Amen." (24:15).

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Conclusion

The episode "Making Prayer a Priority in Your Marriage" serves as a comprehensive guide for Christian couples seeking to deepen their marital bond through prayer. By sharing personal experiences, practical strategies, and valuable resources, Jim Daly and his guests underscore the indispensable role of prayer in fostering a resilient, compassionate, and spiritually aligned marriage.

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Notable Quotes:

• Ryan Frederick (00:05):
  "It's impossible to have a healthy prayer life and also have a prideful orientation toward God and a prideful orientation toward one another."

• Jim Daly (00:38):
  "Less than 1% of couples who pray together every day end in divorce."

• Ryan Frederick (04:44):
  "Lord, I need you more than I need revenue. I need you more than I need to get this done."

• Selina Frederick (05:19):
  "I pray that I wouldn't just feed their tummies, but I'd feed their souls."

• Ryan Frederick (22:23):
  "When we pray, we need to pray expecting that God will move."

• Selina Frederick (19:15):
  "Lean into the awkwardness."

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For more resources and to obtain the Fredericks' prayer journals, visit their website Fierce Marriage or contact Focus on the Family directly.

Transcript

[Ryan Frederick]

It's impossible to have a healthy prayer life and also have a prideful orientation toward God and a prideful orientation toward one another. Prayer is very, very humbling when you do it, honestly. Problem is that oftentimes we just crank up the volume in our prayers and we just pray. We get through whatever we need to recite. We forget to let the Lord actually bear his weight on us.

[John Fuller]

That's Ryan Frederick, and he joins us today on Focus on the FAMILY with Jim Daly along with his wife Selina. And they're going to encourage you to draw closer to God and to each other. Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller.

[Jim Daly]

John, prayer is an underappreciated activity in the Christian life. It's not always at the top of our to do list, but it should be. I saw a study a while back that showed that less than 1% of couples who pray together every day end in divorce. I mean, that's amazing, but it shows the power of prayer in your marriage. I'm reminded of the German pastor, Dietrich Bonhoeffer. He said praying for one another is the heartbeat of the Christian community. And if you're married, this applies to your relationship with your spouse as well, maybe especially. Jean and I try to pray together every morning. We read the word together and, you know, some days we miss it because of schedules and things like that, but more often we are getting together and doing that. And I'm really happy for us. We don't want to induce guilt today. We get the schedules and the kids and stage of life, but we do want to encourage you in this area and give you the to enjoy the gift that prayer is.

[John Fuller]

And as I mentioned, our guests are Ryan and Selina Frederick. They're authors, speakers, and podcast hosts. Their website is called Fierce Marriage and they've written a number of books. And one we're going to be highlighting today is called 40 Prayers for My Wife. And there's an accompanying book, 40 Prayers for My Husband. Look for your copies of those books online. The link is in the episode notes.

[Jim Daly]

Ryan and Selina, welcome back to focus. It's good to have you.

[Ryan Frederick]

Thank you for having us.

[Jim Daly]

From the big state of Washington.

[Ryan Frederick]

Yes, the rainy state of Washington.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. Well, we'd like some of that rain. It's okay. Hey, let me say, you know, again, I mentioned that guilt complex and all that, but most Christians know that prayer is important, but many of us, we just don't build it into our regular program. I guess the obvious question is, why do you think that is when the power of prayer the testimony of what prayer does out of scripture, and then we just kind of bump along in this life.

[Ryan Frederick]

Yeah. You know, Tim Keller had a thought on this, and I'm going to butcher the quote, but he said something to the effect of, we don't pray because we don't think we need God. Right. And I think no Christian in their right mind would come out of the gate and say, yeah, I don't need God, therefore I don't pray. No, we functionally don't think we need God. So we go about our day. I mean, I find myself. It's like I'm laying down in bed at night and I'm realizing this is the first time I've actually thought about God. I've thought about needing him, I've thought about praying to him, let alone praying for my wife and contending on behalf of my wife. So I think. I think it's a matter of need and on some level, deep pride.

[John Fuller]

Yeah.

[Jim Daly]

And I think, ironically, modernity does provide a lot of ease for us. If we were hunting and gathering for our food, I think we'd be praying a lot more. I know I would because I'm pathetic at it. But only prayer would be required there. But that's part of it, right? Our needs are generally met just through modernity. The fact that we go to the grocery store, that sounds odd, but just stop and think about that. What those that have gone before us had to do. I'm sure they're praying just to find something to eat. Right?

[Ryan Frederick]

Yeah.

[Jim Daly]

Let me ask you this. I believe there was a particular season, Ryan, when you struggled to pray because you were consumed with work. I think all of us, men and women that are working outside the home are going, yeah. I mean, you're thinking about it. You're not sure if you've done the, you know, all the things that go into that, the 14 things I have to do tomorrow. It's when I hear myself saying all that, it does sound like an excuse.

[Ryan Frederick]

Yeah. I think as a husband and as a man, I think the tendency is to. I want to provide. I want to be the problem solver. I want to be the one out, you know, in the community, solving problems in our lives, solving problems. And I just get so self sustaining, self focused. Right. And there was a season in our lives and in our work. So we do that. We write full time. We. We do the podcast full time. It's a business. And it was not going well recently. And so I was just wanting to buckle down and work harder, you know, grind harder. Put in longer hours, get up. And I just realized I was doing it completely on my own strength. And the Lord graciously convicted me.

[Jim Daly]

Can I ask you, did that conviction come through Selena?

[Selina Frederick]

It always does.

[Jim Daly]

If your marriage is like my marriage. The Lord speaks through Gene often.

[Ryan Frederick]

Yeah. Yeah, seriously. And that's a grace of God. And yet, to an extent. And I think I just resolved with that conviction to open every morning with this line in my journal. And you can see it just a few months ago, lord, I need you more than I need revenue. I need you more than I need to get this done. I need you more than I need whatever that thing is that I'm putting that I'm trying to solve myself.

[Jim Daly]

Boy, now you're touching.

[Ryan Frederick]

And it completely calibrates my heart now to work out of a place of God is my provider, not me. And that's so freeing and so liberating.

[Selina Frederick]

The same goes for a wife. Right. And a mother. We wake up and kids are. They come in hot in the morning. They're just ready to go. We're starting the day. And so as a mom, I can very easily just jump into making breakfast, jump into whatever the next thing is, instead of humbly calibrating myself, coming to the Lord first, sitting at the feet of Jesus, reminding myself that these little blessings God's given to me for a short time to steward. Oh, okay. Stop and breathe. My Savior. He sustains me right when he was tempted in the desert, he told the enemy, he told the devil. It's not by bread alone that I'm sustained right. By every word of God. And so how, if Jesus says those things, how dare I step out of that lane?

[Jim Daly]

I so appreciate that. Yeah. And it's. I mean, I can think of those days. I mean, especially with younger kids, it's chaos pretty much, right from the beginning, you know, you're in bed. They're coming. Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. You know. Whoa. Okay. What do I have here? I used to get up at 5 in the morning when I was a little kid. My poor mom.

[Selina Frederick]

Oh, my.

[John Fuller]

Why is this not surprising?

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. You know, now that I think about it, I still get up at 5 in the morning. I go to bed early, let me tell you. But, I mean, that point of the energy. And I think the question, Selina, I'd ask from the mom side of this, that sounds angelic. In fact, when you were saying that, I heard angelic music playing. Stop and say Lord. But how do you practice that to where it can become a habit for you? A good habit.

[Selina Frederick]

I Don't totally. Right now I don't get to pre kids, you know. Oh, get my journal, my Bible. Three hours in the morning. God's good. Right? But when kids come around, like you said, kids come. There's energy. Uh, usually the prayers happen as I'm making breakfast, as we're doing dishes. God, thank you that I get to feed these little beans. I pray that I wouldn't just feed their tummies, but I'd feed their souls. Help me, Lord, as we wash dishes, that I wouldn't grumble about the mess, but I would remind myself that yout've given us this life and that I get to enjoy this mess and this life sustain me because I already feel tired and it's 5:05 in the morning.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, no kidding. No, I so appreciate that. And it's. It is an attitude and getting that attitude of prayer. Right. And you know, you're right. It doesn't have to be on your knees in front of your couch or something like that. That's great if you can do that. But it's in your activities.

[Selina Frederick]

Yep. Praying without ceasing definitely is a. It's a heart orientation and it's a humility and a recognition that I'm not my savior.

[Jim Daly]

Now I think a lot of us are going, oh, yeah, I pray for my kids often. Let's zero in on praying for our spouses. Not so often. Right, right. It's easy to pray for your kids, I think. Easier. Sometimes the spouse prayer can be a little more difficult because you don't know my husband, Selina. You know, that's one of the things that women are going to say. Or vice versa.

[Selina Frederick]

Absolutely.

[Jim Daly]

And so I guess that. Right. Question is, how does prayer, the benefit of prayer for one another as a spouse, how does that benefit your relationship?

[Ryan Frederick]

I mean, just to be completely candid. That's okay, right? On the show.

[Jim Daly]

Absolutely.

[Ryan Frederick]

We were, we had a fight just recently. I mean, within days, a discussion. Okay, yeah. Heated. Yeah. Discussion. Elevated. Discussion.

[Jim Daly]

There we go.

[Ryan Frederick]

And I was, you know, had a moment alone and I'm thinking, I'm praying. I'm like, you know, having those prayer thoughts. Lord, fix my wife, fix the situation.

[Selina Frederick]

Anything but.

[Ryan Frederick]

Anything but.

[Jim Daly]

You're the only husband that's ever said this.

[Ryan Frederick]

And as I'm praying, it's like I'm cringing because I'm like, I'm being humbled. Right. And I think that's one of the big keys of prayer, especially as prayer relates to husband and a wife, is that it's impossible to have A healthy prayer life and also have a prideful orientation toward God and a prideful orientation toward one another. So prayer is very, very humbling when you do it. Honestly, the problem is that oftentimes we just crank up the volume in our prayers and we just pray. We get through whatever we need to recite. We forget to let the Lord actually bear his weight on us. Let the Holy Spirit prompt us in the ways that he wants us to change and be sanctified.

[Jim Daly]

And I can attest to that. I think in Gene and I praying together, it's almost like the Lord, if you're. Imagine that finger pointing at your wife or your husband, and if you're now beginning a healthy prayer time for your spouse, it's like the Lord takes that hand and just begins to turn it.

[Selina Frederick]

Down so gently and so, oh, wow, okay.

[Jim Daly]

But it is true. I think I have more awareness of my shortcomings. After a consistent season of prayer for Gene, I'm starting to realize, oh, okay, Lord, Yeah, okay. Maybe it's not Gene, it's me. So that's good. Stories help here, obviously. So I want to lean into that a bit with the books. And I think, Selina, you prayed what he described as a desperate prayer for Ryan. After you moved recently, what happened in that real life story?

[Selina Frederick]

Moving is a big transition on everyone. And again, I think it was around the same season that, you know, you move, we move to kind of a bigger house, and there's more financial responsibility. And then all of a sudden, it feels like business is going like this. Everything's kind of just falling into this rut. So naturally, the people that you snap at more are the people you feel safe with. And so he just. I could tell that there was this distancing happening. There was this, I'm gonna put my head down, I gotta work. And I try to respect that because there are seasons for that. But it kind of felt like we were disconnected for a lot longer than we usually are. And so, you know, that manifests itself in just fighting, bickering, shortness, shortness, lack of grace, any sort of affection. And so I just prayed. I said, God, help my husband's heart. I don't know, maybe I am wrong in this. Like, again, please, God, open my own eyes, open my own heart to my own sin. But I feel like he's spinning his wheels. I feel like he's kind of depending on himself. Holy Spirit, just manifest your clarity, I guess, in him. Because we can just see things so wrong when we're trying to take hold and control the situation now is this.

[Jim Daly]

You praying on my own.

[Selina Frederick]

And we did pray together, though. I feel like that was. That was kind of one of the turning points of praying together. I think you were able to kind of hear my heart and also see what was happening. It's hard to always see in those situations, too, when so many spouses are.

[Ryan Frederick]

High, can find themselves in the situation that you. You were in is that you. You feel helpless. You feel like, I just want something to change, and it's not changing. And what happens is when we go to God, it's. We're recognizing our need. God, this is your domain. You are the one who changes hearts. I can't do that. No matter how many times I nag, I'm speaking as a wife or as a husband or I try to fix it myself. The heart is God's domain. And so there's the humbling of myself going to God saying, only you can do this. You be God. I cannot be God. Then I think as we pray for a spouse who, you know, we want God to move, we start to empathize. We start to actually have more compassion toward one another. That, to me, has been one of the most radical things in our lives.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, that's a great outcome of that. And, you know, perhaps we didn't say this disclaimer, John, at the top, but we're talking about normally regularly healthy relationships here, not where there's severe trauma in the marriage. And in those cases, you need help, pastoral help or counseling. And we would encourage you to call focus, and John will give those details for those. So we don't want to diminish. And I just picture a wife who's really struggling because her husband's addicted to pornography or an alcoholic or, you know, something severe. You do need to pray. Don't get me wrong. But in this context, we're talking about the general, generally healthy Christian couple who just needs to remember the importance of prayer in this case, and you're correcting those little things that make life better and marriage better if you pray together. So let me make that disclaimer in that regard, the nuts and bolts of how to pray, we're kind of touching on that. So let's move a little more in that direction, I would imagine. And it's self evident you don't use that time for grievance prayer. Lord, if only Ryan were better at this. And, I mean, that's not what you're saying at all. That's not the spirit of a healthy prayer to the Lord.

[Ryan Frederick]

No, it's, again, the orientation of a prayer is one of God. You are God and I am not. And I need you to act as God in my heart, in my spouse's heart. I'm stricken by. In Matthew 6, Jesus is instructing us on how to pray, and he starts with, don't pray like these two groups of people. We have the Pharisees and we have the Gentiles, Right? The Pharisees would try to be loud, and they would try to show off their skills in praying. And the Gentiles would just heap up words to try and basically say, by my many words, God will now answer my prayer. Jesus says no. Instead, pray like this. Simply pray in secret. Pray with few words.

[Jim Daly]

That's really good.

[John Fuller]

Ryan Frederick and his wife Selina Frederick are here today as our guests on Focus on the Family. Your host is Jim Daly. And we're talking about a great combination of two little books here. 40 prayers for my wife and then 40 prayers for my husband. These are prayer journals. They're prayer prompts. They're really great guides for you to put into practice what we're talking about today on the show. Call us to get a copy of the books or stop online at the website. The link is in the show notes, and Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family.

[Jim Daly]

Let me ask how couples can use the Lord's Prayer. You mentioned that in the books. How does the Lord's Prayer enter into your marriage in prayer?

[Ryan Frederick]

Well, it's a loose outline, right? I mean, you of course, just pray the Lord's Prayer verbatim, top to bottom. I think that's obviously, that's how Jesus said to pray. That's great. But I find it helpful as a prompt and an outline. So it starts out our Father in Heaven. Well, there's two really grounding things in that statement alone that he is not just a cult. He's not just a king. He's not just God. He is our Father. He relates to us from in a familial way, in a very affectionate, loving way. He's our Father and he's in heaven. All right? He's above. He reigns above. Like that is very calibrating. So start with our Father in heaven. Okay. God, you are my loving father. You know what I'm going through. You know this situation better than I do. You know your kingdom come in this situation, your will be done. You kind of see how that going through that with your spouse in mind is very clarifying. And of course, there are more kind of rigid outlines that do correlate with the Lord's Prayer. Like Acts, it's adoration, confession, thanksgiving, supplication. That's helpful as well. But that's just one idea.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. And that's the good application. You also recommend praying for your spouse from head to toe, which is great. I mean, that covers all of it, right? He knows every hair on her head. So how about that? Praying for your spouse head to toe.

[Selina Frederick]

Yeah, that's a great place to start if you don't know where to start. For Ryan, you know, for a husband, I might pray for his mind. God, just be in his thoughts, lead him as he thinks and works and does all the things he does. God, be with his eyes, mind, eyes. Like whatever he sees, may temptation flee, may he not be distracted. May there be, you know, purity in what he sees. And then, you know, his heart. God, do what you're going to do in his heart, because again, that is your domain. His hands, as he puts his hands to work, I pray that he would find purpose in it that is deeper than maybe just what he's doing. So, yeah, and you talk about for the wife or praying for the wife. Praying for the wife.

[Ryan Frederick]

You know, you had mentioned this in our conversations that, you know, you can get in your own head a lot. So I do pray for you. Again, head to toe, starting in the mind.

[Jim Daly]

It's an integrated brain.

[Ryan Frederick]

It is that her thoughts would be centered on you and that you would be, you know, that her mind would be gracious toward herself, even that she wouldn't be overly critical of herself. Even the words that my wife says as she's mothering our children, that you would give her words that are life giving, that she would have words that are from you, that would bring life into the hearts of our children, it begins to just prompt you.

[Jim Daly]

I hear women right now. Oh, that sounds so good. I wish my husband would pray that way.

[Selina Frederick]

Hey, you can, right?

[Ryan Frederick]

I'm holding you back.

[John Fuller]

I love what I'm hearing because you're really reciting a lot of scripture. You're not verbatim, but you're taking scriptural principles and you're speaking God's word over your spouse, which, if you do ever.

[Selina Frederick]

Get stuck praying through Scripture, is a very helpful tool as well.

[Ryan Frederick]

And that is, I think, maybe at the core of these books that we're talking about. And the core of prayer is it's a response God has initiated. He's the one who's initiated communication with us through his Word, through the Word incarnate Christ. And so when we read Scripture, and we say, God, you said these things. Now I'm going to pray these. Not holding God hostage saying, you said this, but more of a, this is your promise. This is who you are. I'm trust, I'm standing on this. That is us responding to what God has initiated.

[Jim Daly]

That's really good. Let me ask you for advice where couples, they're just not comfortable with it. They may be, you know, again, temperament can play into this too. And I don't want to pick on introverts, because an introvert could be a great prayer warrior. But if you're just not used to praying together, how can they break that pattern and be more comfortable with each other? I mean, there's times Jean and I, when we're praying, we'll start giggling about something. You know, the pace at which we're praying. Jean has an awesome reverence for the Lord. So she's in the morning, and when we're praying together, she'll say, okay, I'll pray first. And I'll say, okay. And then there's like this long pause, and I'm going, and I'll open my eyes. You gonna pray? Yeah, I'm just getting my heart in the right place, you know, so then we'll laugh about that, you know, but speak to that. I guess what I'm asking is that awkwardness for some couples just to be comfortable enough to pray to God in front of each other.

[Selina Frederick]

So don't let it hold you back. I mean, anything great is never easy. And it can always take some time to get more comfortable in that discipline. But as believers, we are called to pray. And so it does come down to obedience. So don't let the awkwardness hold you back. Lean into the awkwardness.

[Jim Daly]

That's good. I like that.

[Selina Frederick]

Lean into the awkwardness.

[Jim Daly]

I think some of it's humorous, too. I remember a couple times with the boys when we were praying and something was just funny. And boom, we get going, and of course, mom, you guys, knock it off. We're talking to God.

[Selina Frederick]

That would make us giggle more.

[Jim Daly]

And sometimes you just gotta roll with it and say, okay, the Lord, he created a sense of humor and. And, you know, just be relaxed as well.

[Selina Frederick]

Even a tangible. Let's hold hands together. Why do we close our eyes? So we're not distracted. We can face one another and begin praying for one another. And again, if you don't know where to start, start with the Lord's Prayer.

[Ryan Frederick]

It's okay.

[John Fuller]

You move through various circles. You've known a lot of people. Is it pretty Common Jim's onto something here. I think there are oftentimes different prayer approaches that we bring to a marriage. How often do you see that as a whole?

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, no, that's true.

[Ryan Frederick]

I think that gives rise to a lot of that awkwardness that people feel like they've witnessed it in a way, because it's funny how you can have a conversation like this and we have a certain cadence to the conversation. We have a certain way of speaking, and all of a sudden, when you turn on the prayer switch, something changes. You're God. Yeah. There's this. It depends on where you come from. Right. Or you might. You say God, you know, 20 times for every, you know, 10 words. You're. You repeat God's name. And you would never do that talking to somebody in person. But, yeah, the awkwardness is real. And I think. I think it starts with recognizing that you are actually interfacing with the person of God. Right. He's not just an ethereal spirit out there. God is spirit, but he's also. He became flesh. And he is our Father, and he's indwelled us with the Holy Spirit. And we are responding to that. And the awkwardness, I think, on some level comes down to paying greater attention to other people besides God. Like, we're either paying attention that we might be overheard by somebody, or our spouse might think something about us or. I don't like the way I sound. Well, on every level, I'm thinking about everybody else but God.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah.

[Ryan Frederick]

So when we fix our eyes on God, we fix our eyes on Him. Then again, that calibration happens. I'm talking to the living God, and he has accepted me and he has said, come to me, and here I am. So it begins to take the focus off ourselves.

[Jim Daly]

No, it's good. I'm thinking sometimes Gene and I are hoping the boys are listening. Right. We're praying to model it and make sure they know we're connected to the Lord in that way. I think in that respect, another key question is being able to hear from God. I mean, like anything, if we're doing all the talking, we're not doing much listening. And so the importance, again, Gene is so good with that. At the end of our prayer, just to calm our hearts and say, okay, let's just hear what the Lord's having to say to us. That's a great focal point, too. And it may be harder than praying is actually sitting and listening nowadays especially.

[Selina Frederick]

I think, because there are so many distractions, the pace of life. I want to meet Jean. She sounds Like a wonderful. She is just a wonderful woman.

[Jim Daly]

She really is. You know, we're wrapping up here. I want to hit three quick things that you mention in the book. Be hopeful, create margin, pray continually. So just fill those in, what they mean.

[Ryan Frederick]

Yeah, I think when we pray, we need to pray expecting that God will move. Right?

[Jim Daly]

That being hopeful.

[Ryan Frederick]

Yeah, that's the hopefulness. And one of the things we walk couples through in this book is they go through an inventory at the beginning where they kind of grade their marriage, the various aspects of their marriage, communication, intimacy, how do we deal with financial issues, how do we deal with conflict? And they grade it on a scale of 1 to 10. Then they commit to doing these 40 days of prayer. And the hope is at the end of the those 40 days, they can go back and they redo the inventory. They say, how has God moved in our communication? How has God moved in our. So I think we expect God to move immediately or not at all. And God doesn't often do that. He moves over time steadily. He transforms over time through steady sanctification.

[Selina Frederick]

And then the second piece of creating margin, he has a really good rule, like a one to one ratio. So if I'm sitting, making my request to God for 10 minutes, maybe I should at least sit for 10 minutes and listen and wait for the Lord. Sit and be like, Gene.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, no, that's good.

[Selina Frederick]

Yeah.

[Ryan Frederick]

And the Holy Spirit will tell you what to pray for in those moments, too. When you give the margin, that's the conversational piece. And then the final one, praying continually. You know, Paul tells us, and I think it's 1st Thessalonians 5, 17, Pray continually. It's a really short verse, but that's an attitude of prayer. I think early on we talked about having this kind of awareness. We have a friend who does tactical training, like for civilians. Right. He's an ex Army Ranger. And one of the things he says is when you go into a situation, to be situationally aware doesn't mean you're paranoid. It just means that you're aware. And so praying continually, I think, is a function of being aware of your situation and thinking, I can pray. I can bring this to God right now. And that's an attitude of prayer. It's not that you're constantly in your prayer closet, hands folded, eyes closed, all day long. It's just that you know that God is with you and you can converse with him throughout the day.

[Jim Daly]

So true. Ryan, let's end with you praying for us. Can we do that? Praying for the listeners, the Married couples who maybe haven't prayed together much and opening their hearts to doing it.

[Ryan Frederick]

Let's do it.

[Jim Daly]

Okay.

[Ryan Frederick]

Lord, we come to you. Thank you for the ability to pray. Thank you that you've allowed us to converse with you this freely. Lord, I pray that it would not be something that we take for granted, but it was something that we would press into and then hear and press into hearing back from you through our prayers. I pray for the husbands and the wives listening to this, the marriages represented by those individuals. I pray that you would teach them how to pray, show them how to pray for one another, show them how to pray with each other, remove barriers, remove distractions and awkwardness. But, Lord, I pray that they would just experience your goodness and relationship with you through this gift of prayer in your precious name. Amen.

[John Fuller]

Such a great conversation with Ryan and Selina Frederick on this episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I trust that you've picked up some really tangible ways that you can make prayer a priority in your own marriage.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. Prayer is so foundational for close relationship, and I think every couple could pray more for one another. Set a reminder on your phone, write a note to yourself. Do whatever it takes to reinforce prayer in your marriage. Maybe you're in a place where you don't feel like praying for your spouse. I get it. If your marriage needs that kind of help, please get in touch with us. Our Hope Restored Marriage Intensives can change the way you relate to each other. Seriously. We have several locations around the US where husbands and wives that are coming in with brokenness, and we are working together every day to heal those relationships. The Good news is, two years later, we go back and survey those couples. 80% of them are still married and doing better.

[John Fuller]

And Jim, as you know, they do such great work. Deana and I had the chance a few years back to go and experience a Hope Restored session. My goodness, what a terrific work for couples. And it changed our own relationship in a pretty profound way.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. And you can be a part of that restoration when you give a gift of any amount to the ministry here at Focus on the Family, which includes Hope Restored. We'll send you a copy of Ryan and Selina's book 40 prayers for my wife and 40 prayers for my Husband as our way of saying thank you for standing for marriage.

[John Fuller]

Yeah. Join the support team today and request those books. We've got the details in the show notes. You can also call us if you'd prefer. Our number is 800, the letter A and the word family. 800 232-6459. Well, join us again tomorrow as Bob Lapine explains why Easter is life changing.

[Ryan Frederick]

And God made the one with perfect.

[Jim Daly]

Righteousness to be sin on our account.

[Ryan Frederick]

To take our sin so that we.

[Jim Daly]

Could then have the righteousness that belonged to him put like a robe over us.

[Ryan Frederick]

And now when God looks at us.

[Jim Daly]

He says, oh, I see your righteousness. He's really seeing the righteousness of Christ covering us. And that's why Good Friday is Good Friday.

[John Fuller]

On behalf of the entire team, thanks for listening to FOCUS on the FAMILY with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

[Selina Frederick]

If the fights with your spouse have become unbearable, if you feel like you can't take it anymore, there's still hope. Hope Restored Marriage Intensives have helped thousands of couples like yours. Our biblically based counseling will help you find the root of your problems and face them together. Call us at 1-866-875-2915. We'll talk with you, pray with you, and help you find out which program will work best. That's 1-866-875-2915.