Moms and Anger: Understanding Your Triggers (Part 2 of 2)

Summary

Focus on the Family with Jim Daly: "Moms and Anger: Understanding Your Triggers" (Part 2 of 2)

Release Date: January 8, 2025

Podcast Information:

• Title: Focus on the Family with Jim Daly
• Host/Author: Focus on the Family
• Description: Every episode offers biblically sound marriage and parenting guidance, connecting listeners to compassionate stories and practical advice to help Christian families thrive.

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1. Introduction and Guest Recap

The episode continues the insightful conversation from earlier in the year with guest Amber Leah and her co-author Wendy Speake. Their previous discussion on parental triggers resonated deeply with listeners, making it one of Focus on the Family’s top programs of 2024.

Notable Quote:

• Amber Leah (00:05): “You can be exhausted and still do the good parenting. You know, be exhausted if you must, but you can still be a great mom. And the Lord will help you in any season that you're in, even in this weary season.”

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2. Understanding External vs. Internal Triggers

Jim Daly opens the discussion by differentiating between external and internal triggers that can lead to parental anger. External triggers are situational, such as a messy house, while internal triggers stem from personal issues like exhaustion or unresolved emotions.

Notable Quotes:

• Amber Leah (02:27): “The external triggers are things that really have more to do with them. Or the messy house, for example, that sort of external trigger. But the internal ones are tricky because, man, that's kind of more on me.”
• Jim Daly (02:48): “And those are kind of the learned things that you picked up, probably growing up yourself.”

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3. Managing Emotional Responses and Modeling Grace

Amber emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and practicing responses outside of conflict. She discusses how heightened emotions in both parents and children can escalate conflicts and the necessity of modeling calmness.

Notable Quotes:

• Amber Leah (03:16): “It's good to practice outside of conflict. That's what I tell you.”
• Jim Daly (04:06): “It's such good coaching, though... we don't do it consistently as parents.”

Amber shares her journey of recognizing victimization in motherhood and shifting her perspective to maintain her role as a coach and guide for her children.

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4. The Challenge of Messiness and Self-Worth

The conversation shifts to how messiness in the household can impact a mother's sense of self-worth. Wendy Speake recounts a personal anecdote where her husband’s comment about hiring a cleaning crew initially made her feel ashamed, highlighting the internal struggle behind external judgments.

Notable Quotes:

• Jim Daly (06:35): “How that plays on a woman's sense of worth, self worth.”
• Wendy Speake (06:48): “Well, I felt shame.”

Wendy also draws parallels to the biblical story of Mary and Martha, advocating for maintaining a merry heart amidst a messy environment.

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5. Practical Strategies for Reducing Triggers

Amber and Wendy offer practical advice for parents to manage daily triggers. Suggestions include:

• Pre-planning and Preparation: Ensuring tasks like slipping on shoes are streamlined to reduce chaos.
• Involving Children: Encouraging children to participate in household duties appropriate to their age.
• Creating Margin: Building extra time into schedules to accommodate unexpected delays.

Notable Quotes:

• Wendy Speake (16:11): “Slip on shoes. Yes, the answer.”
• Amber Leah (08:36): “No. Outside of conflict, always.”

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6. Dealing with Exhaustion and Weariness in Parenting

Amber shares her personal experience with chronic exhaustion from managing a child with colic and reflux, highlighting the emotional toll of persistent parenting challenges. She emphasizes relying on God for strength and finding peace amidst weariness.

Notable Quotes:

• Amber Leah (12:16): “You can be exhausted and still do the good parenting.”
• Amber Leah (13:12): “It is so worth it.”

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7. Forgiveness and Building Positive Legacies

The discussion touches on the importance of forgiveness in parent-child relationships. Wendy shares a heartfelt moment with her son, illustrating the profound impact of acknowledging past mistakes and fostering mutual growth and understanding.

Notable Quotes:

• Jim Daly (19:23): “God has given Great capacity for children to forgive their parents.”
• Wendy Speake (19:35): “He said, mom, I'm so proud of you.”

Amber adds that modeling vulnerability and the ability to apologize in the moment can significantly strengthen family bonds and set a positive example for children.

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8. Single Parenting Challenges and Encouragement

Jim Daly addresses single parents, acknowledging their unique struggles and offering encouragement. Amber reinforces that single parents are not expected to be everything to their children, urging them to trust in God’s provision and the profound influence they already have.

Notable Quotes:

• Amber Leah (22:23): “Never underestimate the power and the influence that you do have and just rest in that and trust that the Lord is going to provide everything your child needs.”
• Wendy Speake (23:33): “I hear most often... But I think I hear most often. But I'm a single mom and I have to do it all.”

Wendy shares memories of her single mother, highlighting that creating a loving environment is more important than fulfilling every expectation.

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9. Conclusion and Resources

The episode concludes with hosts encouraging listeners to engage with additional resources:

• Book Recommendation: Exchanging Parents Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses by Amber Leah and Wendy Speake – a 31-day devotional to help parents transform their responses.
• Parenting Assessment: A free seven-trait effective parenting quiz available through Focus on the Family.
• Support for Single Parents: Reiterating that single parents are integral to the ministry and providing contact information for further assistance.

Notable Quotes:

• John Fuller (25:01): “If anger is something you struggle with, I recommend you get a copy of Amber and Wendy's book...”
• Amber Leah (25:07): “Stay committed to gentle responses with our children.”

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Key Takeaways:

• Self-Awareness: Recognizing both external and internal triggers is crucial for managing parental anger.
• Modeling Grace: Parents should demonstrate calmness and forgiveness to set a positive example for their children.
• Practical Strategies: Implementing practical solutions like pre-planning and involving children can reduce daily stressors.
• Spiritual Support: Leaning on faith and seeking God’s guidance can provide strength and peace during challenging parenting moments.
• Forgiveness and Growth: Open communication and forgiveness can strengthen family relationships and foster a loving environment.
• Support for Single Parents: Single parents are encouraged to trust in their influence and God’s provision, recognizing the profound impact they have on their children.

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Resources Mentioned:

• Book: Exchanging Parents Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses by Amber Leah and Wendy Speake
• Parenting Assessment: Seven Traits of Effective Parenting Assessment available at Focus on the Family
• Contact Information: Call 800-232-6459 or email [e-mail] for more resources and support.

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Final Thought: Parenting is undeniably challenging, especially when dealing with anger and exhaustion. However, with self-awareness, practical strategies, and spiritual support, parents can navigate these challenges gracefully, fostering a loving and resilient family environment.

Transcript

[Amber Leah]

You can be exhausted and still do the good parenting. You know, be exhausted if you must, but you can still be a great mom. And the Lord will help you in any season that you're in, even in this weary season.

[John Fuller]

Well, that's some great encouragement from Amber Leah, and she was with us earlier this year to talk about facing parental triggers. And she was joined by her friend and co author, Wendy Speake. They're back. Because so many, many of you responded. It was one of our top programs from 2024. It's back to give you a chance to hear it again. And we're so glad you've joined us. I'm John Fuller and this is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.

[Jim Daly]

In the first half of this conversation, we talked about handling disobedience without losing your temper and dealing with some of those other triggers. And you can go back and listen to yesterday's show if you missed it. We're reminded in James 1:19, Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger. And that is so, so hard to do. But with God's help, even when our buttons get pushed, we can respond with grace. And it's especially difficult in the parenting mode. One mom was deeply impacted by what Amber and Wendy shared earlier this year. She said, this is really helpful Even with an 18 year old and I needed to hear the truth that I can grow and change at any age. Thank you. Well, that's a great statement. I'm excited to share this for all of us parents again today.

[John Fuller]

It not only applies to parents of younger children, I would say 18 plus. It's also very helpful.

[Jim Daly]

You're living the dream.

[John Fuller]

We all are.

[Wendy Speake]

Yeah.

[John Fuller]

So Amber, Leah and Wendy Speake are bloggers, speakers. They're moms, they have boys, they've been through a lot together and they've written a terrific book called Exchanging Parents Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses. Get a copy of the book from us here at the ministry. Our number is 800, the letter A and the word family, 800-232-6459 or of course, we'll have details in the show notes. Let's go ahead and listen in to this best of 2024 presentation.

[Jim Daly]

Hey, Amber, let me ask you this. Yesterday we did talk about external triggers and we're gonna talk about some internal ones today. Maybe a little more. Remind the listeners what the external triggers are and then what the internal triggers can be.

[Amber Leah]

Yeah. So there are a combination of things that can set us off and sometimes they are intern where it really has more to do with me. And then the external triggers are things that really have more to do with them. Or the messy house, for example, that sort of external trigger. But the internal ones are tricky because, man, that's kind of more on me. I can't really blame my kids for that.

[Jim Daly]

And those are kind of the learned things that you picked up, probably growing up yourself.

[Amber Leah]

Absolutely. Yeah. There's some generational patterns there, for sure.

[Jim Daly]

One of the things that is so difficult is when you're talking to a counselor and they say, well, the next time he says that or she says that, try this. Say, honey, like, I think I'm hearing you, but where does this come from? Why do you feel that way? And you're going, oh, that'd be brilliant. Then when it happens, you're going, what are you thinking about? Why are you saying that to me?

[Amber Leah]

It's your fault.

[Jim Daly]

I mean, it always sounds good.

[Amber Leah]

It's good to practice outside of conflict. That's what I tell you. I'm a firm believer in that practice outside of times of conflict.

[Jim Daly]

Yes.

[Amber Leah]

You know, and especially because in any scenario, in any trigger, our kids have heightened emotion. Now, I don't respond well, nor am I super receptive when I am in a place of heightened emotion as an adult. So to expect that my kids are going to be really receptive and be able to think logically when they're highly emotional because they're immature is also difficult. So if I'm saying, well, they're not listening to me sometimes, it's because my expectation is that they're like a peer of mine and that when I'm talking, they're naturally going to listen to me and affirm me. And that's the victimization piece of motherhood that really got me into a lot of trouble for a long time. Wow. Thank you for sharing that.

[Wendy Speake]

Send you anything that's resonated with lots of experiences.

[Amber Leah]

I had to say, this isn't really about me. I'm still their coach, I'm still their guide, and I get to offer them an opportunity to be aware and to be more mature in this. And what does it look like to listen to me and I'll tell my kids, hey, could you just repeat what I said? Because I'm distracted, too sometimes you look like you might be a little bit distracted. Could you just repeat what I asked so we're on the same page?

[Jim Daly]

It's such good coaching, though. That's the thing that's so bizarre that these thinking through your responses and being ahead of the curve and responding with an adult kind of presence rather than a childlike wounded heart. They're all the right things to do. And I mean, for the life of me, we don't do it consistently as parents. We fall back into this trench of childlike combat with them. Like they suck us back into their field of battle.

[Amber Leah]

Jim. I think it's because we get overwhelmed with how many things trigger us all at once that could be. And so I often remind myself, Amber, there's 10 things right now that maybe are overwhelming you. Overwhelm is a choice. So let's take one thing at a time. And what is the thing that's most prominent that I see as problematic in our home? What is really robbing my peace the most? And once I've evaluated that, I go, okay, what can I do to create the most peace in this specific trigger? And I tell people all the time, it's not cliche to just pray God, I don't even know what to do about this right now. But I trust that you give wisdom. You promise that you give wisdom generously. Will you help me come up with a creative way to address this trigger with my child? And, you know, Wendy and I give lots of suggestions in our books, but never underestimate that God is at the ready to help you.

[Jim Daly]

So, Wendy, a moment ago, we talked about messiness. This happens to be one of your triggers. I'm not pouncing on you, but describe the battle of messy. You know, we've done shit shows on this with Kathy Lipp, and Jean actually came to that one. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of not telling her what the topic was until she arrived. It was a little bit of a trap, no? And all of a sudden she goes, oh, now I know why you invited me here. It was not my best day. But talk about the messiness issue, man. I think one of the big things with that is how that plays on a woman's sense of worth, self worth. Like, if I can't keep a house really clean, there's something wrong with me, but that's really the enemy.

[Wendy Speake]

It was just yesterday, my husband said to me, we haven't had a cleaning crew come through in a very long time. If you send me that contact information, I'll reach out to them. What he was saying was, I'd like to bless you.

[Jim Daly]

Oh, good. He wasn't saying, the house is so dirty, we need a. I'll tell you what I heard.

[Amber Leah]

Could have been taken the wrong way, right?

[Wendy Speake]

And that is what I. That's how I took it.

[Jim Daly]

I wouldn't even go that way.

[Wendy Speake]

Well, I didn't respond in anger, but I felt shame.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, wow. I get it.

[Wendy Speake]

But I'm self aware enough to say, what is this feeling that I feel? Oh, he's calling me out on that I'm not keeping. And my house is a wreck right now. We have two kids that just launched from the house and I went to a place of shame. Luckily I didn't respond in anger or shame, but I recognized it. And the more you practice understanding your internal triggers, the better you're going to get at slowing down before you react. So for me, yes, having a clean house house allows me to be more peaceful. And I know it's a different topic, but as I think about it, I sometimes think of Mary and Martha. How do I have a merry heart in a messy house in a Martha world? Right? Yeah. That's good because Martha would be so busy cleaning that when her children spill milk, how is she going to respond? She's going to respond like she did to Mary. I don't want to respond like Martha. I want to respond like Mary. So can I start my day like Mary? So that when I go into the work that Martha knows must be a priority, I still have a merry heart in my home.

[Amber Leah]

And sometimes we just need to say, okay, I've been doing this thing around the house for so long that I have forgotten that I have these children that I actually am supposed to be training and helping them become these productive adults themselves someday. This is something I could actually help coach my child to be doing and really evaluating that situation. And go, okay, not in the moment.

[Wendy Speake]

Not in the moment.

[Amber Leah]

No. Outside of conflict, always. Not when we're feeling highly emotional. But just say, hey, kids, you know I get to show you how to do this.

[Jim Daly]

Let me ask you about that because I think, you know, my observation again, all of us, not just moms, dads, have the same issue in a different way, I think. But you know, we take a sense of self worth for providing for a mom. It's providing this kind of environment, nurturing environment, for being on top of it, that I'm taking care of their needs such as their laundry, their food. And you can actually, I think prevent the natural good thing, which is have the children join you in that. Jean was great. She had the boys start doing their laundry at like 10.

[Amber Leah]

That's amazing. Good for you.

[Jim Daly]

I mean, we did have a few pink shirts that came out of that, but they learned pretty quickly. But I thought it was pretty impressive. I'd see them down there as 10, 11 year olds, you know, unfortunately, getting in my way to get my own stuff done.

[Wendy Speake]

But there are also triggers that are beyond just training our kids. It could just be, hey, I feel out of control, it's a little ocd. But I really need things to be more orderly than maybe the rest of the family members. So it's not so much that they're not prepared to help, but it could be an internal me problem.

[Jim Daly]

Right.

[Wendy Speake]

If I'm not aware of it.

[Jim Daly]

Well, especially if it's eating at you.

[Wendy Speake]

If it's eating. And then when you're stressed, all it takes is the straw that breaks the mama's back. Right. The spilled milk and the energy that comes out of you when the milk spills isn't a milk spill level. It is a monumental. I cannot cope with life. Why is that? Well, because my house is a wreck. So where does it fit in my day? And then are there times where I'm just available to the kids, come what may?

[Jim Daly]

Well, that's a good observation skill to develop as a mom and a dad. But when the response is disproportionately to the crime.

[Wendy Speake]

Right.

[John Fuller]

Let's consider that is a slight.

[Jim Daly]

What's going on with me.

[Amber Leah]

The internal trigger reaction's a 10 and the situation is a 3.

[Wendy Speake]

Right.

[Amber Leah]

So let's pull that back.

[Jim Daly]

There is a bit of self awareness in that, I think, Amber, you share in the book about being blindsided in motherhood by exhaustion. So this is a really good one because I think moms generally, especially with younger kids, are so exhausted, it's just busy. It's hard to keep up with everything. And you're tending them, especially when they're younger, like even feeding them in the middle of the night.

[Wendy Speake]

Right.

[Amber Leah]

You have a story about that. And we know it's a high privilege. We know it's a high privilege. We love our children. We wanted them. But, you know, Oliver, my oldest son, when he was born, he had a lot of issues. He had colic and he had reflux, and he did not sleep well. I mean, we hired sleep experts, we elevated the mattress, we did the swaddling and the vacuum and like all the things, and none of it was all that effect. And that sort of ate away at me as a new mom, thinking, wow, I thought I was gonna be really good at this. And I can't fix him. And the exhaustion, that Guy and I, my husband Guy and I felt was like bone weariness. Because we went months and months and months. Oliver didn't sleep through the night until he was like 2 or 3 years old, like, for the first time solidly. And there were other kids in the picture by then, too. So we just sort of operated all the time in a place of weariness. And I remember just pleading with the Lord, like, lord, I don't know what to do. I'm trying all of these methods to try to fix this situation. And I remember very vividly rocking Oliver in the middle of the night once. And I just sensed the Lord say to me, you know, Amber, I'm just gonna hold you all through the night while you hold Oliver.

[Jim Daly]

Wow.

[Amber Leah]

And I'm just gonna ask you to draw near to me. And I realized this wasn't about getting the perfect night of sleep. This was about yielding to being perfected by the Lord and drawing near to him and experiencing the sweetness of my father drawing near to me in those moments. And so sometimes it's not always about having this great resolution. It's really just an opportunity to rely on the Lord. And that became a sweet season. And exhaustion doesn't have to be because we're not getting sleep at night. It is like you said, Jim, there's just so many demands of us in this day and age. There's a lot going on, and we can just be exhausted from mothering. Parenting is hard, you guys. If you're listening and you're like, why is this so hard? I just wanna acknowledge parenting is exhausting.

[Jim Daly]

But it's worth the journey.

[Amber Leah]

It is worth the journey.

[Jim Daly]

Totally.

[Amber Leah]

It is so worth it. And, you know, as we lean on the Lord in our weariness, that was the other thing I had to tell myself, Amber, you can be exhausted and still do the good parenting. You know, be exhausted if you must, but you can still be a great mom. And the Lord will help you in any season that you're in, even in this weary season.

[John Fuller]

Well, we hope you're feeling a sense of refreshment and calm from our guests today because we have all been exhausted in our parenting. And today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, our guests are Amber, Leah, and Wendy Speak. They've been here before. We so enjoy having them, and they're sharing from their hearts and experiences. I hope you're getting encouraged. This topic is called Exchanging Parents Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses. It is a terrific resource and you can learn more about it in the show notes.

[Jim Daly]

Wendy, I don't know why I keep starting with your triggers.

[Wendy Speake]

There seems to be many of them here.

[Jim Daly]

But another one that you talked about in the book was that being late for things, especially as A mom. I think dads, I think husbands can heap coals on this one because we're TikTok, we're going to be late again for church. Honey, let's go. And we've got to learn how to help mom and wife manage that phase of life that's happening right then. Speak to that idea of tardiness, if I can call that, or just that perpetual lightness, especially in phases of motherhood.

[Wendy Speake]

Yeah. And I love that you talk about the example of getting to church.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, that's the classic.

[Wendy Speake]

Because isn't it like. I mean, the devil's like, loving.

[Jim Daly]

And a friend of mine told me about that. I've never experienced that.

[Wendy Speake]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, running late for toddlers at preschool or to the park in a playday is one thing.

[Jim Daly]

Well, I'll tell you, I mean, for us, our church at that time was almost an hour's drive each way. I mean, with two and four year.

[Amber Leah]

Olds, you gotta leave on time.

[Jim Daly]

You gotta leave before on time. So we ended up having to change churches getting closer to us because of that time in our life. We just couldn't do it. It wasn't happening.

[Wendy Speake]

Well, you know, Amber and I haven't talked about this, but we have the external triggers. We have the internal. And I think that if I were going back with Amber and rewriting it, I might set this up a little differently because every external one has an internal component. What's going on in me. Right. And so when there is a trigger that we discover is common, I think there are two things we need to address. What's going on in me and what's going on in our home. And so when it comes to running late, Amber's really good at what practically can I do to prepare? How can I loop the kids into this in an age appropriate discussion when we're not fueled up and amped up and struggling in a moment?

[Jim Daly]

Slip on shoes.

[Wendy Speake]

I'm telling you the slip on shoes. Yes, the answer. I'm not looking under the table, but I hear that Jim still wears.

[Jim Daly]

Yes, I haven't grown out of them yet.

[Wendy Speake]

But also, what's going on in me? And in this season, how can I cope better? Or dad, what's going on in you? And how could you help in a practical way in the home? Or how can you help diffuse rather than pour gasoline on the stress as you TikTok, you know, point to your wristwatch and rev the engine in the driveway? What could you do to help internally? What could you do to help externally? Could you get there Early. Is there a coffee shop on the church campus? Can you make that part of your rhythm that you're gonna go for a donut first? I mean, can you build in being there early so that there's margin? And really, I think we were at the donut. I thought I was gonna say you had me at mar. If there's one overarching help in your triggers, margin will help you. If you are exhausted, margin can look like not signing up for all the things. If you're running late, margin is getting places, adding in more time.

[Jim Daly]

You know, I'm thinking about a season for us with Gene and I. I think we were stretched and the boys were rambunctious. Yeah. I'm probably thinking in that 7, 8, 9, 10 zone, they're still wonderfully pliable. They want to hang out with you. All that was still good. But I think you start thinking about the future. When your sons or daughters look back, when they're gone, off to college or even married and have their own family, what will they remember about growing up? That is a great projection. Will it be positive or will they think, man, mom was always angry.

[Wendy Speake]

Yeah. And let's just take a moment. Yeah. Acknowledge that if you're listening right now and it's just bringing tears to your eyes because, man, I wish I could go back. Oh, you are not too late to be transformed and sanctified by the Lord and for it to have a generational impact. And I'm talking to you, mom, who's 78 and has grown kids and even grandkids.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah.

[Wendy Speake]

You start availing yourself to the transforming, sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit. Your kids and your grandkids will see it.

[Amber Leah]

And all we have is what's in front of us. So I like to remind myself that the only reason that I really look back into the past and past behavior failures is if I know there's something of value that's gonna help me move forward in the right direction. I don't wanna keep looking over my shoulder and allowing it to be a place where Satan starts to mess with my mind in a place of condemnation. That doesn't do me any good. I want it to be a Holy Spirit loving conviction to now, what can I do next? Because we stay in the pit and we're not going to be, you know, receiving the good things that God has for us moving forward and how he's going to shape us in the next season that we're in.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. You know, my observation in that is in a spiritual dynamic, God has given Great capacity for children to forgive their parents.

[Wendy Speake]

I do.

[Jim Daly]

It gives me tears because I think it is a God given thing because we are going to make mistakes and.

[Wendy Speake]

Grown up children too. Going back and speaking. I know it's not as grown up as some of you, but I a year ago reached out to my oldest son and very specifically said, I recognize only now that X, Y and Z was harmful to you. When I responded this way, when I didn't protect you that way, and I thought that he was going to say, mom, I forgive you. He did not. He said, mom, I'm so proud of you. Which shocked me. But how mature and loving and hopeful. He saw that there was something for me to learn and he embraced me.

[Amber Leah]

And I'll tell you what, Jim, that's part of it is, that's a big part of what we hope parents will begin to understand is that right in the moment when we're triggered, we can stop and begin to model our growth. Like Wendy's son just expressed the growth that he saw, the transformation in her, how proud he was of her. And that can happen all along the way if we allow it to be a moment that's modeling what it looks like to stop. You know, I'm starting to feel my anger rise, my body tense and I can look at my child in that moment and say, you know what, buddy, I'm starting to get upset and I don't want to say something wrong. I love you very much and I need a to just take a breath and be calm so that we can try again. Like I would like to try again with you. I know what I said just now wasn't the tone I really wanted to speak to you in and I apologize for that. Can you just give me a minute? And so even in the moment modeling that we don't need to show up with our kids feeling like, oh, we're perfect, we've got it all figured out, we're gonna plan all ahead. Right in the moment of being triggered is the perfect time to even stop and model that for our kids.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, it's good.

[Amber Leah]

And they're proud of us, they are forgiving of us.

[Jim Daly]

They really are. It's an amazing thing right at the end here. Let me just ask a question on behalf of single parents. You know, we often as we're talking, we're talking in the construct of a two parent family and people will contact us and say, hey, don't forget about us. So this is, you know, one of those moments I want to ask that question about the single Parent mom particularly. And we know there's many now, single parent fathers out there too. But for those single parent moms who are struggling to be everything, I mean, they've got so much guilt about what's been going on. You know, the fact that either, you know, maybe the husband's left the home, whatever it might be. What can they do to apply some of these principles?

[Amber Leah]

Well, and none of us are supposed to be everything to our child. They wouldn't need their savior if we were everything to them.

[Jim Daly]

That's a great point right there.

[Amber Leah]

And so we sometimes think we're responsible to fill in all what we think are the gaps. And I think it's encouraging for me to know that there's some things I won't be able to provide for my child. There's some experiences they may not have, whether they're because it's a single family home or not. And that's not up to me. God has a plan for them and he is right there alongside me every step of the way. Whether it's single parents or maybe even just parents that aren't parenting on the.

[Jim Daly]

Same page or a dad that's not engaged. How about that? She feels like a single parent mom.

[Amber Leah]

And so in those moments too, it's an opportunity to just say, okay, never underestimate the power and the influence that you do have and just rest in that and trust that the Lord is going to provide everything your child needs, whether there's a dad there in the picture or not. And Wendy was raised by a single mom and so she appreciates that.

[Wendy Speake]

Yeah. So my mother just passed away a couple weeks ago and I've been grieving with so much gratitude. I am so grateful that she was mine and I was hers.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. Wow.

[Wendy Speake]

And one of the things that my mom did exceptionally well was not doing what she couldn't do. We didn't go out to restaurants very often if our budget was limited. She let us know and said, hey, we can either do this or that. We had very few family vacations, but we had home cooked meals and we left watching the A team on Thursday nights. I think it was lineup was. And we watched shows and we laughed and she tucked us in with tickles on our back. And I would go to sleep hearing her play the piano down the hall. She didn't do it all. So I think I hear most often. But I'm a single mom and I have to do it all. And I understand what you're saying, the feeling of that. Yeah, well. And there are everything that needs to be done has to be done by you. That is true. But you don't have to do it all that you see being done. They don't need it all. They need you and they need you.

[Jim Daly]

And what you're saying there is that environment that you're setting is so much more important than getting all the things done and being hyper. Back to the Martha and Mary thing, really.

[Wendy Speake]

That's right.

[Jim Daly]

It goes right back to that. This has been so good. Thanks for being with us on day two. If you missed day one, go get it the app for the phone or you can go to the website and hear the download that way. But both days have been very, very strong. So thank you for being here.

[Wendy Speake]

Absolutely.

[Amber Leah]

Thank you. It helps us. Thank you, John.

[Wendy Speake]

Stay committed to gentle responses with our children.

[Amber Leah]

We're still on the journey too.

[Jim Daly]

And the thing is, by the time we kind of got this parenting thing down. Oh yeah, they're out. They're gone. You're going, lord, can I not do that one more time? I think I could do it really.

[Amber Leah]

Well second time around. I'll be really good.

[Jim Daly]

We're here to talk about how you could do it better the first time. Well, I hope you learned a lot about how to get it right the first time through what Amber and Wendy shared. They are such an inspiration to us all and we want to walk with you in your parenting journey here at Focus. One great next step would be the seven traits of Effective Parenting Assessment. It's a short free quiz that will help you get an idea of your strengths and point out a few areas that you need to improve in. John will have the details on where to find that in just a minute. And if anger is something you struggle with, I recommend you get a copy of Amber and Wendy's book Exchanging Parents Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses. The book is a 31 day devotional that can help you make the changes you heard about today. When you make a monthly pledge of any amount to the ministry of Focus on the Family, we'll send you a copy as our way of saying thank you. Thank you for being a part of the ministry. We so appreciate those of you who give monthly at even out the budget throughout the year. And if a monthly amount doesn't work for you, we'll send the book to you for a one time gift. Just be part of what we're doing here to help save lives.

[John Fuller]

Yeah. Make your special gift and get your copy of Amber, Leah and Wendy Speaks Book Triggers Exchanging Parents Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses. Our number is 800 232-645-9-800, the letter A in the word family. Or look for that free parenting assessment and the book [e-mail] broadcast. And if you enjoyed this Best of 2024 show, I know you'll want to hear more listener favorites, so check out our best of 2024 audio collection. We've put together 18 terrific conversations and presentations, completely free. Look for the link to Our best of 2024 audio collection in the show notes and coming up next time, the spiritual benefits of pursuing physical fitness. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

[Unknown]

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