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Focus on the Family with Jim Daly
More Effective Habits to Embrace in Parenting (Part 2 of 2)
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- [00:03]
Dr. Randy Schrader
The glue for brokenness in all relationships is forgiveness. What is the reason the three of us are going to go to heaven? It's forgiveness for our sins, our faith in Jesus Christ. And likewise, forgiveness can heal the brokenness between husbands and wives, between parents and children. The central aspect of our Christian faith is the good news, forgiveness.
- [00:28]
John Fuller
That's Dr. Randy Schrader, and he joins us again today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller.
- [00:35]
Jim Daly
John, I am so excited to have Randy back with us. The listeners, the viewers love the things that he talks about. And we got a great book that we're continuing to talk about. We have had previous broadcasts. One thing, if you didn't hear those programs or any other FOCUS program, download the app for Focus on the Family and you can listen to at your leisure, which is always good. But his book, Simple Habits for Effective Parenting, probably the most kind of straightforward, basic things you can apply in your parenting. And that's one of the things I'm so concerned about, John, that we tend to over complicate it like it's some kind of calculus formula. And parenting is not that. But again, Randy brings such wisdom with all his hours of experience as a counselor and talking to parents that have made mistakes and then getting them on a better track and getting really the child that they sowed, desire a child that has deep character, follows God and treats people with loving kindness. That's what we want.
- [01:32]
John Fuller
Yeah.
- [01:32]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Yeah.
- [01:32]
John Fuller
And Dr. Randy Schrader is passionate about equipping parents. He's a marriage and family counselor, a pastor and a former seminary professor of pastoral counseling. He's a father and a grandfather. And his experiences and insights, as you said, Jim, are wrapped up in a great book called Simple Habits for Effective Parenting. And the subtitle is specific skills and tools that achieve extraordinary results in raising a child. Contact the ministry today for your copy. Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family and the link is in the show notes.
- [02:06]
Jim Daly
Randy, welcome.
- [02:07]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Well, it's great to be back a second day to help parents have specific practical wisdom that will make a huge positive difference in leading and guiding their child to be confident, responsible decision makers.
- [02:19]
Jim Daly
It's so good and again, it's so straightforward. And oftentimes we as parents, we just need that reminder that of doing things that I think many parents, especially Christian parents, are kind of aware of in their heart. We just don't always apply them. Have you found that in your counseling?
- [02:33]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Yes, sir. That can be. And it's not a matter of just motivation, desire It's a matter of having that knowledge of what to say, how to say it, what to do, how to do it, and what not to do. And so, yeah, Christian parents want to do what's best for their kids, and they just need that knowledge.
- [02:53]
Jim Daly
Now, we do put some barricades, and we talked about those barricades last time, and if people miss that, like we said, get the download or get ahold of us, we'll make sure you can get a link or get the smartphone app, et cetera. Let's move on. When it comes to discipline, that big question of discipline, applying rules and setting boundaries, kind of what standard discipline is, parents tend to go into lecture mode. You touched on that last time. It made me very uncomfortable, Randy. I don't know why. We just do it. We just go into that lecture mode and the kids hear, wah, wah, wah, wah. So a, I guess why do we as parents do it? We think it's effective when the kids are tuning out what's a more effective way to get the point across.
- [03:35]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Well, and parents do it because they love their sons and daughters dearly and they want the best for their kids and they truly believe all I need to do is give the very best lecture or discuss things to the nth degree, and then my child is going to absorb all that information and they are just going to become capable, confident Christian individuals, and they will absorb it.
- [03:58]
Jim Daly
With a smile on their face. Well, they can, because it is a great lecture.
- [04:02]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. But what often happens, what happened for the three of us when we received a lecture is after the first five seconds. I always suggest kids turn the volume off. Parents need to be brief and be silent. Use the skills we talked about. Another parenting interview of will you please either or you decide when you. Then you, you know, grandma's law. But they just need to cut down on the words. Too much talking will cause parent deafness and actually not benefit their children.
- [04:38]
Jim Daly
When you have a mom and dad in front of you in your counseling sessions and they have this is their core problem, do you give them a way to have a trigger so that they can catch themselves? I mean, how do you move from the lecture mode, which comes so naturally to us, to hearing it and going, whoa, whoa, I got to back up and ask the right question.
- [04:58]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Yes, sir. And we talked about that yesterday. It's all about often asking how and what questions, but it's also thinking if they're going. When a parent is going to suggest advice, if they want to give advice, keep it in a paragraph. I Kind of jokingly say, since I'm a pastor, don't be a pastor. And speak in pages. No pages, paragraphs, one paragraph, you know, and then. And then ask a child a how and what question so that they can internalize that information. But, yeah, parents need to be brief, be silent, and not go on and on.
- [05:29]
Jim Daly
That's so good. That's actually a good rule for all of life. But that's another issue.
- [05:33]
Dr. Randy Schrader
It is. It is.
- [05:34]
Jim Daly
Let me speak to the. Try not to say no more than you say yes. I love this quality. A good friend of mine encouraged me when my kids were really young to try to say yes more than no. And I think it was a really good attribute of my parenting style. But speak to that idea. Why is it damaging to have no as the dominant response?
- [05:55]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Usually if no's the dominant response, it goes back to a parent having that extreme style of being controlling. They think these rules are rigid, they're not flexible. And parents need to have flexible rules. And it's, you know, we think of a mother bird kind of opening their wings and letting the little chick fly away. That's what parents are trying to do. So whenever possible, parents need to say yes to their children's request and identify. Is this a minor request or a major request? Because the goal of parenting is to help a child manage their own life from 18 to 100 as a godly adult, that's our goal as parents. And so parents, if a child has a curfew of 11:30, and they've been very responsible getting home on time, and they have something going on, and they say, hey, mom and dad, can I stay out till midnight tonight? If they have a scheduled activity for the reason they want to stay out till midnight, mom and dad can say yes. Now, on the other hand, when mom and dad do need to say no when their child makes a request, what so often doesn't happen is parents do not say it nicely. I told you no. They need to say no in a friendly way that comes across to their child that I really have your best interest at heart. I wish I could say yes, but I just need to say no because I have your best interest at heart. And right now, I just don't think that's a healthy activity for you to do.
- [07:19]
Jim Daly
Let me the follow up there. So often parents can make everything a mountain, not a molehill. So everything's a mountain. And what you're saying is really critical. What are the core principles? It can't be everything is a core principle. And how, if you have the Habit of making every molehill into a mountain. And something I've got to respond to forcefully. A how do you reassess your criteria and then apply it?
- [07:49]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Well, and rules are there, like lines on a road to guide a child. And so parents need to think that they're guiding. They don't have concrete barriers on the road as we drive down the road. And parents, if they can be just a little flexible and ask, is this going to provide growth for my child toward adulthood? Because by the time a child's a senior in high school, they need to be making all their own decisions under parental guidance. Because after high school, a youngster could get an apartment, could get a job, could go to college, and who's going to be making the decisions? It's going to be them. And so parents need to think, Jim, how can we guide in that direction? And saying yes to a child's request whenever possible can make that big difference.
- [08:38]
Jim Daly
Another concept you have in the book, which is so funny, the story of Ms. Talker and the power of optimism and positive labels. And John, you know the story I mentioned a couple times on air, but I remember my mom's best friend at the time, I think I was 5 years old, and I could talk. It's so funny. I've ended up doing what I'm doing. But she turned to me and she said, you have diarrhea of the mouth. And I remember for like 3 hours I tried to say nothing because I didn't want to over talk.
- [09:07]
Dr. Randy Schrader
You want to go against that negative label?
- [09:08]
Jim Daly
Yeah, but that was when I read that. I was so connected with that. I mean, it was powerfully negative to me for a short period of time, but I still remember it to this day, the impact it made on me. Like, be quiet. You talk too much.
- [09:22]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Well, and parents need to recognize helpful or harmful kids will live up to whatever labels a parent gives them or other people give them. And so labels are powerful. Words can make us healthy, words can make us unhealthy. And so when a parent says to a child, I appreciate your hard work, I appreciate your determination, I appreciate your terrific character, I appreciate your respect, those labels, A child will fulfill that reputation. And could I tell the story about that?
- [09:56]
Jim Daly
Yeah, Ms. Talker, get to it.
- [09:57]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Now, I had a mom. Dad did not come to the first session, but mom brought her daughter and sat down with her daughter on the sofa and the daughter did not say anything to me. I said hi to the daughter and tried to get her to answer a question. She didn't, but mom sat on the sofa. And immediately before almost I could say anything, mom said, Dr. Schrader, our daughter is extremely shy. She doesn't talk. And so I got with mom in private, and I went over a number of these simple yet very effective words and actions that make a difference. And then I asked Mom, I said, mom, whenever your daughter talks at home, and will you please, will you please ask your husband also to tell your daughter, I appreciate your good talking? And then go to school and tell the teacher and the teacher assistant whenever she talks at school to make sure she says, I appreciate how good you're talking. And I asked the little girl, she's sitting on the sofa with Mom. Before I met with mom privately, I said, ask her a few questions. And she did answer them. And I said, you are a really good talker. I appreciate how good you talk. May I call you Ms. Talker? When I look at you, I see Ms. Talker on your forehead. And she smiled and said, yes, Dr. Schrader. Well, every time I saw her, I never called her a name. When I would say mom and her and daughter were in the lobby, I'd say, Mom and Ms. Talker, come on back to my office. And whenever I talked to her in the office, I just called her continually, Ms. Talker, Ms. Talker, Miss Talker, Ms. Talker. And when she talked, well, I would tell her, I appreciate how good a talker you are. Well, six months later, John and Jim, what did that little girl become? Yeah, she was a talker. She learned to be a good talker. But that positive label that mom, dad, and the teacher gave her and grandparents made a huge difference. And so parents can never underestimate the power of words. Parents can never underestimate the power of labels.
- [11:56]
Jim Daly
Randy, so often we hear this, and I want your response to it because you speak to it in the book. If you want your children to grow up healthy and, you know, have the character, kind of the loving, kind spirit that you hope that they have, then show them a good marriage. Do you believe in that, and is it that simple?
- [12:16]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Well, it is so essential that, again, mom and dad are married, that they be good role models with that marriage and let kids absorb what a healthy relationship looks like. Now, that being said, we know the divorce rate is about 50%. And sadly, I would say, of couples that are married, they're married out of commitment, which is good. But only about 75% of couples have successful, satisfying marriages. And yet that is so important for raising a child, because when a marriage is not healthy, then kids often get Involved with playing one parent against the other. When a marriage is strong now, the loyalty conflict is not there, and mom and dad can work together for the benefit of their child. And research has found that marriages where there's two quarrelsome spouses, those children grow up to have conflicted adult relationships. And so, yeah, parents. And that's why in my Simple Habits for Marital Happiness book, I look at all seven areas of making a marriage strong and successful. Only marriage book out there that looks at all seven areas of a marriage, from apologizing, forgiving to how you have respectful discussions. And I could go on, but yeah, you're right. Marriage is essential for parenting a child, to help a child be healthy.
- [13:37]
Jim Daly
And you mentioned that divorce rate. And, you know, it's a hard number to nail down, but the church is perhaps a little less than that, but not much. And in that context, especially for the Christian single parent, how do they express those things to their kids in an environment where they don't have a spouse for whatever reason? Maybe that person died or they did divorce.
- [13:59]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Well, and you're right, that can make it very difficult. And often what I do when I see a divorce situation in counseling, I'll have mom and dad, even though their exes come in, because the mother of all learning is repetition. And I'll have mom and dad buy a Simple Habits for Effective Parenting book. And then I go through that so that mom and dad, even though they may not be married, are on the same page and using the same verbiage to influence their child's heart to be a confident, godly, responsible decision maker.
- [14:28]
Jim Daly
Yeah, that is so important. You speak to the issue of having a servant's attitude. That's wonderful. You expressly talk about how Jesus had that servant attitude, describe that and why it's important and how we can help teach our kids to have a servant attitude.
- [14:46]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Yes, sir. I'm glad you brought that up because. Yeah. What does it say? Jesus came not to be served. What does the Bible say? Jesus came not to be served, but to serve. And likewise, it's so important for the three of us and every Christian to have a servant heart and want to serve and help others. And that can happen often with a parent's help. It's a child kind of working with a parent, whether it's, you know, if a neighbor's sick, helping take a meal over to the house. Okay. Making donations to a charity, making treats for the firefighters at the firehouse, writing a thank you note to police officers that are helping, maybe shoveling the elderly neighbor's driveway next door. So kids developing that servant heart gives them that compassion and humility that Jesus had in that servant like spirit. And I think another way to develop that servant heart is through prayer. Whenever we know of a situation like the Ukraine war that's going on, you know, to pray for their safety and to pray that that conflict will come in, will end, is very important in developing a servant heart, a compassionate heart, a humble heart in a child.
- [16:03]
John Fuller
Randy, as we continue through the book, I'd love for you to react to something I heard a mom say one time, and that was a messy room is a sign of poor character. So we all know that we have to have some level of cleanliness and orderliness in our home. So how do we help our kids do that? And is it really a reflection of their character?
- [16:22]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Well, I cringed on the inside when you made that comment by that mom. Because we don't want to give negative labels.
- [16:30]
Jim Daly
That could be a little perfectionist.
- [16:32]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Yeah, a little perfectionist, A negative label. But yeah, again, successful people in life have good time management skills and they are organized. And I have no doubt, even though I don't know you personally, Jim and John, that you guys are great time managers and you're organized. And I think that likewise is what parents want to help their children with. So in time management, it could be bedtime routine, you know, helping a child establish what happens at bedtime, packing the bag, which is also organization. But you know, brushing teeth, have a good morning routine, have a homework routine. But when can they play? After school, when do they do homework? But so important. And again, we don't want to be perfectionistic, but it's a flexible time management. And the one thing I find interesting when I have counseled numerous thousands of adults that have anxiety and depression, often they are poor time managers and they are disorganized and they have a lot of clutter and they have cluttered cars and cluttered homes. And one of the first people need to do their way out of anxiety and depression. One of the first things I suggest is to make sure that their home and car are decluttered. And that's also good role modeling. Again, example is not the best teacher. It's the only teacher. Good role modeling for the kids. And kids need to maybe at night before they go to bed, organize their bedroom just a little, not perfectly, but just get it organized, organize your papers for school. And that carries over into life to help a child feel confident and self disciplined.
- [18:06]
Jim Daly
That's a really good point. Just do something in the positive direction. It doesn't have to be perfect.
- [18:12]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Yes, sir.
- [18:13]
Jim Daly
And look for that. Let me talk about that idea of learning how to apologize, but also learning how to appreciate if we can put those together. I just remember with Trent, our oldest, and I'm not saying anything he hasn't approved, but he was really our strong willed child. And there was one day as a teenager, I remember it was so stark. He got up from the dinner table and he was going somewhere. And 10 minutes later we get a text from him to Gene saying, mom, I just want to thank you for the great meal you cooked and always having a great meal for dinner and I just so appreciate it. And we both looked at each other and said, who was that? It really was an amazing turning point. I mean we could measure it. I didn't write the date down, but there was a certain day that we saw him mature and it was so refreshing and he's carried it forward and built upon it. And I don't think he leaves the house now to head to his house that he doesn't send Gene a note saying, thank you for what you've done tonight. It's just so awesome.
- [19:20]
Dr. Randy Schrader
That is terrific. And it goes back to just kind of having a servant heart. When we have gratitude for others and express appreciation to others. That makes a huge difference actually in our lives.
- [19:31]
Jim Daly
Yeah. But also it don't give up. I want to encourage those parents with the 13 year old, the 14 year old, where you're saying it all the time and it seems to not be registering. I think our experience is not unique. I think you're going to find at a little later stage all of that is going to pay back. And all of a sudden that mature brain will click on.
- [19:53]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Well, and you're exactly right, Jim. And we want to give parents hope and encouragement that yeah, if the youngster is struggling right now as a teenager, they can turn it around. I saw a troubled teenager years and years ago that was. I was scared he was going to end up in federal prison. But I gave mom all the ideas, the knowledge, specific practical wisdom in my book and mom and dad started applying it and a few years ago and her son must be in his mid-30s now, she sent me a note and said, you told me to not give up and just use these ideas and they'll make a difference influencing my son's heart. And she said, my son now is a doctor. And not only a doctor, he's a surgeon.
- [20:35]
Jim Daly
Okay, Randy, let's hey, get the book. That's the best pitch you could make.
- [20:40]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Well, And I've gotten many notes like that. You know, that it doesn't happen always 18 and under, but it happens later on. That that influence on the heart made a huge difference.
- [20:51]
Jim Daly
It's so important.
- [20:52]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Well, and apologizing and forgiving is essential. The glue for brokenness in all relationships is forgiveness. What is the reason the three of us are going to go to heaven? It's forgiveness for our sins, our faith in Jesus Christ. And likewise, forgiveness can heal the brokenness between husbands and wives, between parents and children. The central aspect of our Christian faith is the good news of forgiveness. And so often, Sadly, I'd say 98%, marriages, husbands and wives, 98% of parents do not know how to apologize and forgive. And I can touch on that briefly. In fact, my PhD doctoral dissertation was on the benefits of apologizing and forgiving. And I wrote 350 pages.
- [21:41]
Jim Daly
Wow.
- [21:41]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Now, I touch on that in the parenting book with about three or four pages. In my marriage book, it's about 20. But I condense that down to the Reader's Digest version. And one of the things I discovered is that in my reading, my research is that children as adults are more emotionally healthy. When they had moms and dads, and it didn't happen very often, but when they had moms and dads, who said, I'm sorry, I made a mistake. Will you please forgive me? And the youngster could say, mom, Dad, I forgive you, because they learned they don't have to be perfect. My mom and dad make mistakes, and I'm going to make mistakes, and I'm forgiven. So there's kind of three parts to the apologizing and forgiving process that can make a difference. The first is to say, I'm sorry I hurt you by, and then whatever words or behaviors. And then the second part's the most important, that takes humility to not just say, I'm sorry, but to ask, will you please forgive me, mom and dad or child, will you please forgive me as a parent for making a mistake? And then the third part is not to say, that's okay, I'm over it, no problem, but to actually say, I forgive you, just truly unbelievable. And parents need to do that if they have more than one child. Your listeners, they need to do that with sibling relationships. You know, for 25 years, as you mentioned, I was a seminary professor of pastoral counseling and taught premarital counseling, marriage counseling, family counseling. And a lot of our future pastors were in their 30s and 40s when they came back to prepare for the pastoral ministry and so they had children. And so, of course, I went over this so they could counsel their parishioners one day, and they would go home and apply these ideas to their marriage and say, oh, my goodness, it made a huge positive difference in our marriage. And they come back and say, Dr. Schrader, I can't believe how the sibling relationships are improving. Because what most parents do, they'll have. If one sibling hurts another, they'll have them just do the first part, and then it's flipping.
- [23:46]
Jim Daly
Say you're sorry.
- [23:47]
Dr. Randy Schrader
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, say you're sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But when the child has to ask the other sibling, will you please forgive me? And then the other sibling says, I forgive you. I tell you, hundreds of seminarians said, I can't believe how that's helped relationships in our family and in my marriage.
- [24:07]
Jim Daly
Randy, this has been so good, and there's so much more to cover. And I know we can't cover it all, but I think what you said a moment ago is so amazing. And I'm sure as a counselor, you could not have said to that, mom, I think your kid's head to prison here. You kept that quiet to your heart.
- [24:21]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Yes. That would have been a negative label.
- [24:22]
Jim Daly
Yeah. Encouraged her to apply the principles. And now he's a surgeon. I mean, for those parents that are panicking, I can't think of a better resource. And these applications are actually quite simple. Randy and I appreciate that it takes work as an author to hone these things down to something that people can apply. It's easy to give them complex ideas and thoughts, but to get it down to some simplicity, the three thes and the three thats, really is a discipline that you've brought to this book. So thank you for that. Thank you for being with us.
- [24:56]
Dr. Randy Schrader
Well, I appreciate your kind words. And to God alone be the glory. And I just pray that these ideas will help thousands and thousands of parents to help their kids grow up to be godly, responsible adults and be with the three of us one day for eternal life in heaven with our loving God.
- [25:11]
Jim Daly
Amen. And as I said last time, we have a great assessment tool. Seven traits of effective parenting. And you can do that. It's free, right? At our website, John will give details. It takes about seven minutes to complete, and it will give you some areas that you're doing well in and other areas that you need to strengthen. In addition to that, and most importantly about today's discussion, we also have Randy's wonderful book simple habits for effective parenting that we'd love to put in your hands. If you can't afford it, get in touch with us. That's our goal here at Focus is to make sure you're doing the best parenting job possible with the Lord's guidance and with great, great insight from professionals like Randy. And this is one of those resources that we highly recommend. If you can make a gift of any amount, we'll send it as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry. If you can make that monthly, it's great. It evens out everything for us. But a one time gift is also just as good. So we'll send it to you for either here at Focus on the Family.
- [26:12]
John Fuller
Yeah, donate as you can. When you stop by the website, the link is in the show notes and take that parenting assessment. We'll link over to that as well. You can also call us. Our number is 800, the letter A and the word family, 800-232-6459. And let me add that if your summer vacation plans bring you to Colorado, we'd love to have you visit the Focus on the Family campus. Our welcome center and bookstore are full of fun activities for kids and adults. You can even visit Wit's End Soda Shop. And that's just like Adventures in Odyssey. We hope to see you on behalf of the entire team. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.
- [27:04]
Focus on the Family
If the fights with your spouse have become unbearable, if you feel like you can't take it anymore, there's still hope. Hope. Our Restored Marriage Intensives have helped thousands of couples like yours. Our biblically based counseling will help you find the root of your problems and face them together. Call us at 1-866-875-2915. We'll talk with you, pray with you and help you find out which program will work best. That's 1-866-875-2915.