Focus on the Family with Jim Daly

Episode Summary: Practical Tips to Transform Your Marriage

Date: November 17, 2025
Guests: Jason & Tori Benham
Hosts: Jim Daly & John Fuller

Overview

This episode of "Focus on the Family" brings in Jason and Tori Benham, marriage speakers and authors of Marriage A to Z: 30 Days to Relational Transformation, to share practical, biblically grounded advice for invigorating and transforming your marriage. Anchored in candid stories from their own relationship and actionable steps for listeners, the Benhams emphasize appreciation, humor, conflict resolution, and shifting one’s dependence from their spouse to God. The episode is packed with concrete tips, memorable anecdotes, and faith-based encouragement, designed to give your marriage a strategic “tune up.”

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. A Strategic Approach to Marriage

• Planned vs. Unplanned Effort:
  • Many people put more intentional planning into their careers than their marriages.
  • Quote: “Some of us come home and we don’t have [a plan] for our marriage... We can’t translate that into the same space.” – Jim Daly (01:33)
• The Benhams’ book introduces 30 principles (one for each day) with practical exercises for couples.

2. ‘Z’ is for Zanyism – The Power of Humor

• Adding Humor to the Relationship:
  • Humor is scientifically proven to bond couples.
  • Quote: “Zeroing in on zanyism… is all about to be able to have a good laugh... When you start laughing with somebody, it actually draws you close.” – Jason Benham (03:31)
• Memorable Moment: The ‘Wipe Your Rear’ Story
  • Jason recalls a stressful day at the fair, where Tori, fed up, threw a $5 bill at him and quipped: “Wipe your rear with this!” Both burst out laughing, creating a long-running inside joke. (05:08)
  • Quote: “The reason I bring that up is because now, 25 years later… we might say something like, wipe your rear end with this.” – Jason Benham (06:17)

3. The Initial Spark: From Attraction to Appreciation

• Dating vs. Marriage Dynamics:
  • Attraction often leads to appreciation when dating, but after marriage, appreciation must lead to attraction.
  • Quote: “After marriage, the more you think about the things you appreciate about your spouse, the more attracted you’ll be.” – Jason Benham (08:42)
• Shared Experiences:
  • Jason and Tori didn’t feel ‘love at first sight’ but emphasized the solid foundation of friendship, with the attraction deepening over time. (07:01)
  • Quote: “Which I love that we had a solid friendship.” – Jason Benham (07:02)

4. Trade Expectation for Appreciation

• God as Your Source:
  • Tori describes a breakthrough walking alone during a stressful parenting season, realizing her contentment should be rooted in God, not Jason.
  • Quote: “I began to really look to Jason as a source of my happiness…the Lord really needed to get help me to get to a place where I saw him as my source and not Jason as my source.” – Tori Benham (11:59)
• Practical Marriage Advice:
  • Replace expectations of your spouse with appreciation, leading to more gratitude and closeness.
  • Quote: “Replace expectation with appreciation, and you’ll see your relationships blossom.” – Jason Benham (14:34)

5. Conflict as a Pathway to Connection (‘C’ is for Cookie Dough)

• Cookie Dough Analogy:
  • Ingredients on their own aren’t great, but when blended (via conflict), the bond forms (the Holy Spirit as the bonding agent), leading to something wonderful.
  • Quote: “God takes two individuals completely different from each other…into the bowl of conflict and says…if you guys yield to the Holy Spirit…what’s going to come out on the other side is going to nourish people.” – Jason Benham (15:55)
• Embrace, Don’t Avoid, Conflict:
  • Conflict should not be avoided; it is an opportunity to transition from “me” thinking to “we” and deepen the marital bond. (15:18-17:02)

6. The Realities of Post-Honeymoon Conflict

• First Years and Baggage Story:
  • The Benhams share how their first major conflict came as early as their honeymoon, stemming from unmet expectations and differences in personality.
  • Quote: “I actually took the suitcase, I said, fine, here. And I threw it across the room... I knew right there at that moment that I was the idiot.” – Jason Benham (18:58)
• Not Agreement, But Understanding:
  • Focus less on demanding agreement and more on seeking to understand the other’s perspective.
  • Quote: “We had to learn…to seek understanding. Not agreement, but understanding.” – Tori Benham (20:33)

7. Navigating Personalization in Conflict

• Women's Perspective:
  • For many wives, disagreement can feel personal, triggering guilt or shame and a sense of personal deficiency.
  • Quote: “Just because Jason doesn’t agree with me…doesn’t mean that I am now shamed…We’re just different…” – Tori Benham (21:54)
• Developing Faster Resolution:
  • Maturity in marriage means learning to ‘pivot’ quickly, not lingering in hurt or disagreement, but forgiving and moving on.
  • Quote: “When you can let go of those things quick or you're like, wow, I feel free.” – Tori Benham (23:58)

8. Practical Mindset Switches

• For Husbands:
  • Focus on feelings, not just facts.
  • Be “curious, not convincing.”
  • Quote: “I need to seek to understand her more than to try to get her agreement.” – Jason Benham (23:28)
• For Wives:
  • Practice not taking things personally and reframing situations through small, intentional “practice sessions.” (24:16-24:49)
• Mutual Advice:
  • “Try to feel like your wife, try to think like your husband. That little pivot can help both snap out of hurt or go deeper in understanding.” – Jason Benham (24:50)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments with Timestamps

• “Are you enjoying your relationship with your wife as much as you’re enjoying what you’re experiencing in business?” – Jason Benham (00:44)
• “Zeroing in on zanyism... to be able to have a good laugh.” – Jason Benham (03:31)
• “Wipe your rear with this.” – Tori Benham (05:59)
• “Appreciation now leads to attraction because after marriage, the more you think about the things that you appreciate about your spouse, the more attracted you’ll be.” – Jason Benham (08:42)
• “Replace expectation with appreciation, and you’ll see your relationships blossom.” – Jason Benham (14:34)
• “Conflict is meant for connection. Conflict is something we don’t need to run away from, we actually need to run toward it.” – Jason Benham (15:16)
• “Be curious, not convincing.” – Jason Benham (23:28)
• “We make that pivot much more quickly... now we’ve gotten better at pivoting.” – Tori Benham (22:59)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Zeroing in on Humor: 03:26 – 06:17
• Attraction & Appreciation: 07:01 – 10:54
• Dependence on God, Not Spouse: 11:59 – 13:56
• Expectation vs. Appreciation: 14:34 – 14:56
• Cookie Dough Conflict Analogy: 15:12 – 17:02
• Navigating First Marital Conflicts: 17:43 – 20:33
• Agreement vs. Understanding: 20:33 – 23:28
• Learning to Pivot & Practice Resolution: 23:58 – 24:49

Conclusion

Jason and Tori Benham’s candid discussion offers hope, humor, and high-impact advice rooted in faith and experience. Practicing appreciation, adding fun, and navigating conflict with understanding (not just agreement) are core takeaways. This episode provides not only strategies for relational transformation but also relatable encouragement for anyone seeking to “thrive in Christ” through marriage.

Resources mentioned:

• Marriage A to Z by Jason & Tori Benham
• Focus on the Family’s marriage assessments and counseling team
• [Link to show resources in show notes]

Summary compiled using the original speakers’ tone and language, focusing on marriage enrichment and practical application for listeners.