Simple Steps to Improve Your Marriage

Summary

Podcast Summary: Focus on the Family with Jim Daly – "Simple Steps to Improve Your Marriage"

Release Date: January 21, 2025

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Introduction and Guests

In the episode titled "Simple Steps to Improve Your Marriage," hosts Jim Daly and John Fuller of Focus on the Family engage in a heartfelt discussion with guests Matt and Lisa Jacobson, the authors of "100 Ways to Love Your Husband" and "100 Ways to Love Your Wife." Matt, a teaching pastor, and Lisa, collaboratively write and speak on marriage, parenting, and Christian living through their own podcast, Faithful Life.

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The Origin of the "100 Ways" Books

Jim Daly opens the conversation by acknowledging the ambitious nature of compiling a hundred ways to enhance marital relationships from both husband's and wife's perspectives. He inquires about the genesis of this extensive project.

Lisa Jacobson shares:

"We were on a coffee date after about 25 years of marriage, holding hands and enjoying a sweet moment. I realized that our marriage was built on countless small choices made daily. We decided to each write down a hundred things that contributed to our loving marriage without sharing them initially to maintain authenticity. This exercise naturally evolved into our book."
— Lisa Jacobson [03:13]

Matt Jacobson adds that their books are a culmination of practices they've employed in their own marriage and through their work with other couples, emphasizing that their relationship isn't flawless but is sustained by intentional choices.

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The Importance of Small Daily Choices in Marriage

Central to the episode is the concept that small, daily decisions play a pivotal role in sustaining and enriching a marriage. Instead of relying solely on grand gestures or occasional breakthroughs, it's the consistent, everyday actions that weave strength into the marital fabric.

Matt Jacobson poignantly states:

"A wonderful marriage comes out of making many, many everyday choices that say I love you rather than choices that say I love me."
— Matt Jacobson [04:00]

This philosophy underscores the belief that intentionality in daily interactions serves as a testament to one's faith and commitment.

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Examples of Simple Steps to Improve Marriage

1. Lighting Up When Your Spouse Enters

Lisa Jacobson emphasizes the power of a warm, welcoming demeanor:

"Just lighting up and giving him that look you did when you were dating—'hey, here he comes.' It conveys love and appreciation."
— Lisa Jacobson [05:02]

She recounts a personal story where offering a genuine smile and positive interaction significantly impacted her husband's perception and behavior.

2. Active Listening vs. Problem Solving

The discussion highlights the distinction between listening to understand versus immediately jumping into problem-solving. Matt Jacobson shares an early marriage lesson:

"I was a problem solver and would interrupt early in conversations. My wife screamed that she didn't need solutions, but simply to be heard."
— Matt Jacobson [10:07]

Lisa Jacobson corroborates, explaining:

"It's important to listen fully and ensure your spouse feels heard before attempting to resolve the issue."
— Lisa Jacobson [11:22]

3. Intentional Pursuit and Date Nights

Maintaining romance requires ongoing effort. Matt Jacobson advises:

"Date your wife before, during, and after significant life changes. Pursue her not just for intimacy but for her value as a person."
— Matt Jacobson [08:29]

Both Jacobsons share strategies for integrating quality time into their busy lives, such as impromptu shopping trips that double as intimate moments.

4. Importance of Words and Avoiding Sarcasm

Words carry immense weight in a marriage. Matt Jacobson warns against the corrosive effects of sarcasm:

"Sarcasm poisons your relationship and closes the door to your wife's heart. It's best to avoid making jokes at her expense."
— Matt Jacobson [22:32]

He emphasizes that consistent, positive communication fosters a nurturing environment.

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Practical Anecdotes and Stories

Cooking Dinner Embrace Incident

Lisa Jacobson shares a humorous yet insightful incident:

"While cooking dinner, my husband embraced me from behind to show his love. Distracted by the cooking tasks and overwhelmed by the children, I reacted by leaning into him, causing the kitchen to briefly catch fire. This mishap highlighted the importance of embracing love even during chaotic moments."
— Lisa Jacobson [12:28]

This story illustrates the challenges of balancing daily responsibilities with marital affection.

Shopping Example

Jim Daly relates a personal experience to underscore mutual understanding in marital activities:

"During a shopping trip with my wife, I took the initiative to select items she might like, streamlining the process and enhancing the experience for both of us."
— Jim Daly [20:53]

Matt Jacobson echoes this approach:

"I pick stuff out for my wife to look at, making shopping more efficient and enjoyable for her."
— Matt Jacobson [21:12]

These anecdotes demonstrate practical applications of the discussed principles.

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Impact of Simple Actions – Success Story

A compelling story shared by Matt Jacobson involves a couple on the brink of divorce:

"A woman from California reached out after ordering our books as a last-ditch effort. Before receiving them, she had decided to end her marriage. However, upon her husband reading our book, he began interacting differently, making her feel cherished. Consequently, she canceled their divorce plans and embraced the opportunity for renewal in their marriage."
— Matt Jacobson [24:07]

This testimony underscores the transformative power of intentional marital actions.

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Conclusion and Resources

Jim Daly wraps up the episode by highlighting the significance of everyday actions over grand gestures in maintaining a robust marriage. He encourages listeners to donate to Focus on the Family in exchange for "100 Ways to Love Your Husband" and "100 Ways to Love Your Wife," providing contact information for donations and further support.

Matt and Lisa Jacobson conclude with a hopeful message:

"Your marriage can be redeemed, even if the fights seem constant or there are deep wounds. Our biblically based counseling can help you find healing and strengthen your relationship."
— Lisa Jacobson [27:44]

Listeners are invited to seek assistance and resources to foster thriving marriages grounded in faith and intentional love.

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Key Quotes with Timestamps

• Matt Jacobson [04:00]: "A wonderful marriage comes out of making many, many everyday choices that say I love you rather than choices that say I love me."

• Lisa Jacobson [05:02]: "Just lighting up and giving him that look you did when you were dating—'hey, here he comes.' It conveys love and appreciation."

• Matt Jacobson [10:07]: "I was a problem solver and would interrupt early in conversations. My wife screamed that she didn't need solutions, but simply to be heard."

• Matt Jacobson [22:32]: "Sarcasm poisons your relationship and closes the door to your wife's heart. It's best to avoid making jokes at her expense."

• Matt Jacobson [24:07]: "A woman from California reached out after ordering our books as a last-ditch effort. Before receiving them, she had decided to end her marriage. However, upon her husband reading our book, he began interacting differently, making her feel cherished."

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Final Thoughts

This episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly serves as a profound reminder that simple, intentional actions can significantly enhance marital relationships. By prioritizing love through daily choices, active listening, and respectful communication, couples can cultivate a resilient and thriving marriage that stands as a testament to their faith and commitment.

Transcript

[Matt Jacobson]

And this really does go back to that issue of making a choice that says I love you rather than a choice that says I love me. So that means that we're kind of ebbing and flowing with each other through the day and being mindful of where the other person is at.

[John Fuller]

Well, those are some wise words for your marriage. And we're looking forward to hearing a lot more marital wisdom from our guests, Matt and Lisa Jacobson. Thanks for joining us today For Focus on the FAMILY with Jim Daly, I'm John Fuller.

[Jim Daly]

Hey, John. Our goal at Focus, as you know and we all know, is to help strengthen marriages. Let's make a good marriage great, basically, because those of us who claim Christ, it's a testimony to people who are watching us. And we want that witness to be as strong as possible. We want to honor the Lord in our marital relationships. And I'm telling you, it's not always easy. Right from my mouth. Gene and I don't always do it well. We can get on each other's nerves from time to time.

[Matt Jacobson]

Yeah.

[John Fuller]

News flash.

[Jim Daly]

In fact, just this morning. No, I'm kidding. We had a beautiful morning reading the Word together. It's so fun. If you're experiencing kind of the clunkiness and need a tune up, this program today is going to be for you. If you're experiencing more serious issues, you know, we have caring Christian counselors we want you to call. We have a wonderful program called Hope restored with an 80% post two year success rate for those marriages that are really experiencing, you know, dramatic stress, potentially even divorce. And we are there for you at that level as well.

[Matt Jacobson]

Yeah.

[John Fuller]

We'd like to invite you to call us if that's something you need. 800 the letter A in the word family. And as I mentioned, Matt and Lisa Jacobson are with us and they host a podcast called Faithful Life. Matt is a teaching pastor and together they write and speak on topics of marriage, parenting and Christian living. And today we're going to be highlighting a couple of books that they've written, 100 Ways to Love youe Husband and the companion called 100 Ways to Wife. We have both of those in stock. Just stop by the website. The link is in the episode notes.

[Jim Daly]

Hey, Matt and Lisa, welcome to FOCUS on the Family.

[Matt Jacobson]

Great to be with you.

[Jim Daly]

Now, first of all, 100. We're not going to cover all 100, but it's pretty daring to put out a hundred ways you can improve your marriage, both from a husband's perspective and a wife's perspective. How did you guys Negotiate this?

[Matt Jacobson]

Well, actually, we just thought it was a good round number. Why don't you tell them the story of how it got started?

[Lisa Jacobson]

Well, actually, how it began was we on a coffee date, just holding hands, enjoying one of those sweet moments in marriage after about 25 years of marriage. And I looked over at him, I said, you know, it's this moment that is really made out of so many other little choices that are made over time. And we said, you know, a lot of times we talk about the big things in marriage, and those are important, too. But so much of the magic, even, is in those small choices that you can make each day. And we said, okay, you know, it'd be kind of fun to figure out. You sit down and write out, let's say, a hundred things that you think went into our loving marriage, and I'll do the same. And we won't look at each other's notes just to keep it authentic and just see what we came up with. And so that's literally how it started. He went over to his corner with his coffee, and I went to mine, and we just started writing and then eventually shared our notes, and it became a book.

[Jim Daly]

Well, on the one hand, you must have a passion for writing, because I don't know about you, John, but if Gene said to me, okay, go write a hundred ways you can help, I would go, what?

[John Fuller]

Days later?

[Jim Daly]

I mean, it's a beautiful thing to do. But first of all, that sounds a little daunting. So how did you respond?

[Matt Jacobson]

Well, actually, we have been involved with a lot of couples over the years. And what is in this book, these books really are the things that we have employed in our marriage. So we're literally sharing the things that we've done in our marriage for other marriages to employ. So a lot of it really was. And I don't want to make it sound, first of all, that we walk on water. We don't. Because Lisa doesn't agree with everything I say.

[Jim Daly]

Way to go, Lisa.

[Matt Jacobson]

That happened right from the start.

[Jim Daly]

It's a rude awakening, isn't it?

[Matt Jacobson]

It is. But the thing is that God has a beautiful marriage for every couple who is willing to do things his way. And the thing is, people look at a wonderful marriage and they say, wow, that couple got lucky. They fell in the hole backwards and just had a great marriage. But that's just not the case. A wonderful marriage comes out of making many, many everyday choices that say I love you rather than choices that say I love me.

[Jim Daly]

Wow. That is profoundly said. Honestly, Lisa, you alluded to this, but I want to grab a couple of examples in terms of those small things that make marriages so strong. I'm kind of envisioning, and some of you might feel this is trite, but it's kind of like weaving cloth together, right? The strands of that, a single thread, you can snap easily. But when you weave something together, there's strength in that. And I hear you saying that. That it's not the big dramatic moment, the big breakthrough, although those are great. It's the little things. Give us examples of what those little things are concretely.

[Lisa Jacobson]

Well, for example, this is a small thing, but it has a powerful impact on your marriage. And this is just when you see your husband. I'm talking to the wives now, just lighting up and giving him that look you did when you were dating. Just that, hey, here he comes.

[Jim Daly]

Wait a second. I'm hearing through the microphone, people, women are saying, are you serious? You don't know my husband.

[Lisa Jacobson]

I am very serious.

[Jim Daly]

Light up. Come on.

[Lisa Jacobson]

Yeah, I make a point of lighting up, and I'll. If I can, I'll tell you a story of how this became obvious to me, that this is what I need to do. So Matt and I were out on a kind of a lunch date, and I was a mother of many small children, and I was tired. I was just, you know, doing the. And then there's this and then there's that kind of a thing and, you know, venting with him and. And he was patiently listening to me. Well, while we were talking, we were out at the. At a mall. A girlfriend of mine walked by, and I said, oh. I jumped up. I said, oh, Susan. And I gave her a big hug, and I just, you know, lit up and. And we just yik yacked for just a few minutes. And then I went back to my date, and he said, just really kind of quietly said, you know, I wish you would do that for me. I said, do what? He said, oh, just the way you light up. Just have that warm smile for your friends. I was so convicted right then and there. I thought, you know what? I have left off with doing that with you, and you should have that from here.

[Jim Daly]

Let me ask you about that, because I think when you live with somebody, you're married to somebody, you get very comfortable. Sometimes you see a different side of a person in that intimate relationship where you're together every day, eating dinner together every night, everything. And then, yeah, the girlfriend comes by and, oh, the light up and all that. Is it wrong to expect that kind of happiness that you're showing a friend. I agree that it's right, but I guess I'm asking the question, how do couples get there? How do you think about doing that?

[Matt Jacobson]

Absolutely. Well, it is wrong to fall into that pattern. This is what life does. It gets us so busy, the noise of our lives, busyness of our lives, gets us so distracted that we wind up just kind of getting in this rut, putting our head down and plowing this furrow of the next thing that needs to be done, forgetting that the most important relationship we'll ever have, this side of heaven, is the person that God said you are one with. And so one of the things that we like to remind people, I certainly like to remind men about, is that just take a moment and ask yourself, when did your wife stop desiring to be desired? Never see, that way you kissed her on your wedding day. Or maybe even the months leading up and the months right after, when did she stop wanting to be kissed with that kind of passion and that kind of desire? Never. See, this is something that we need to remember. And she is an important, valuable individual that your job is to pursue and to cherish. And so that responsibility didn't change just because a few years went by. So date your wife before, during and after the wedding, after the children come, after they go off to college, pursue your wife. And that pursuit isn't just a pursuit for sex. That's a pursuit for her as a valuable person that God has blessed you with. She's never stopped desired to be desired.

[Jim Daly]

I hear both of you describing choices. You know, these are choices that we're making. We're choosing to be intentional about dating our wife. We're choosing to be intentional about lighting up when my husband comes into the room because it can get really kind of blase, kind of comfortable. And you don't show that enthusiasm. So did you guys have to remind yourselves, okay, you know, Matt's coming home. I gotta light up?

[Lisa Jacobson]

Sometimes there is something like that. So when I was a mother and I would. Before I went out to see my kids, who are, you know, all out there noisy, and. And I would take a moment before I walked out my bedroom door, and I would say, okay, Lisa, get your happy mom face on. Because I saw that it was so powerful to my kids, if I came out already grumpy, if I came out, hey, good morning. It's super powerful. So I'm choosing to do that. I'm choosing to. And I thought, you know what? Why wouldn't I be able to do the same thing in My marriage now, sometimes it comes more naturally than others, but there are times where I go, he's home, and I have to remember I am excited that he's here, and I do love him. And we can work out that other thing a little bit later.

[Matt Jacobson]

One of the things that is so critical about this and that we tend to forget about because we just get absorbed in our own life and our own day. We forget that we're literally teaching our children what a great marriage is, teaching them how to do marriage. We're discipling the hearts of our children by the way we interact with each other.

[Jim Daly]

Another one that you mentioned is probably one of the more difficult ones for husbands, and that is to stop and listen. I mean, sometimes we're just problem solving. We kind of know the statements that are made. You know, oh, honey, I think you just need to do this, this and this. And she's not wanting that. She's wanting you to hear her heart.

[Matt Jacobson]

I want to tell the story. Okay.

[Lisa Jacobson]

I'm nervous.

[Matt Jacobson]

You should be. So, yeah. And it's funny. This is one of those iconic moments in our relationship because I'm a problem solver, too. And after you've spoken for roughly 10.5 seconds, somewhere in there, after you've spoken for a very short period of time, of course, I don't need to listen to the rest of what you're saying. I completely understand what the issue is and just go right in for the solve, you know? So one time. This is way early in marriage, but one time I was doing that and she just screamed in my face. She really did.

[Lisa Jacobson]

I don't recommend that.

[Matt Jacobson]

But demure, loving. And she said, I don't care if I'm right or wrong and understand this. I just want you to know and.

[John Fuller]

Care how I feel.

[Jim Daly]

Good for you.

[Matt Jacobson]

Just listen to me. Right? And we look back on that and laugh. But it was a moment of revelation for me that listening is the fix. Not in every case and not in every couple, but by and large, listening is the fix. Making her feel heard goes a long way to making her feel better.

[Jim Daly]

So true. And that's a heart cry. Speak from the woman's perspective why that's so critical? Because I'm serious. We're like hard dirt. We don't understand this at all. Isn't the value in this quick discussion solving the problem? Can we just get there?

[Lisa Jacobson]

No, you can't. And even if Matt thinks that he already knows what I'm going to say or he understands the problem, he doesn't necessarily believe it. Or not understand. And it's important to me to actually say this out loud to get this out there and to get a fuller picture before you start in on the fix. And sometimes after I've said everything, then I'll go, okay, now what should I do? He goes, I thought I was supposed to just listen. I go, okay, yes, you listened. Now solve. So it can be both. But we really do want to feel like that you're hearing us, that you care about how we feel and what we're wrestling with or struggling with.

[Jim Daly]

Absolutely. Now we gotta flip the coin a little bit, because you had an experience, too, where I think Matt came. He came up, you were making dinner. You were really being pulled in a lot of different directions. But he came up and gave you this wonderful embrace, a hug from behind, just to let you know, I'm home, I'm in your corner. It didn't go down so well, though, right? Well, what a beautiful thing you did.

[Matt Jacobson]

Thank you.

[Jim Daly]

I just appreciate it.

[Matt Jacobson]

That's very kind of you.

[Jim Daly]

Announce your.

[Lisa Jacobson]

It wasn't my proudest moment, for sure. So, yeah, I'm cooking dinner. I'm sauteing the vegetables in the pan. He comes behind me, does the loving husband thing, kind of puts his arms around me. And all I could think of is, I'm trying to make dinner here. The kids are, you know, all noisy, they're hungry, everybody's falling apart. And, you know, you're taking this moment to do a little lovey dovey thing. And I was immediately convicted, though. And I thought, okay, Lisa, here you've got a man who's wrapped his arms around you, and really, you're gonna shrug him off? That's terrible. And I thought, wait a second. What if I just turn the stove off and I turn around and lean back into him? I don't know what got into my head, but I did it and I did. And boy, right then and there, the whole, you know, kitchen caught on fire. And our kids, like, whoa, what's with mom and dad?

[Matt Jacobson]

That's one of the joys of having kids, is just embarrassing them. Absolutely.

[Jim Daly]

Make them sick.

[Lisa Jacobson]

But I thought, yeah, I could have missed out on that, you know, by being so task focused and so, you know, what's going on in this situation.

[Jim Daly]

But to be really practical, Lisa, I mean, I'm thinking of Jean. We've had a similar experience, maybe more than one in that way. And, you know, she's a scientist. That's her background. So she's really focused on the beaker. You know, 14 milliliters of oil have to go into that whatever. So on behalf of those women who maybe have that disposition, how do they flip that switch like you did? Again, you're making great choices all the time. It's amazing. But talk to the woman who's not made those great choices and is somewhat perturbed. Don't you know, I make it done.

[Matt Jacobson]

There's a woman's side and a husband's side as well.

[Lisa Jacobson]

Well, I'm a get it done girl, so you're right, I am can be very tossed, focused. And then on the other hand, I think, oh, why don't we have a more romantic relationship? Why don't, why aren't we more lovey? Why doesn't he hold my hand? But then you start connecting the dots and you think, yeah, because you rejected him by shrugging him.

[Jim Daly]

Well, it has to be at the right time.

[Lisa Jacobson]

Which is true. But beggars can't be choosers either. So. And I thought, you know, what does it cost me to just stop right now and communicate a little love? And not only did it not cost me, but even though I didn't feel that passion right then and there, it happened just by giving it a second or two.

[Matt Jacobson]

And this really does go back to that issue of making a choice that says I love you rather than a choice that says I love me. So that means that we're kind of ebbing and flowing with each other through the day and being mindful of where the other person is at. There's a beautiful verse in the word that says, live with your wife according to knowledge. And that means I make a study of this woman. I'm mindful of who she is. I think about her personality and so I interact with her in a way that is according to who she is as a person, according to knowledge.

[John Fuller]

This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and our guests today are Matt and Lisa Jacobson sharing their insights about how husbands and wives can love each other. Well, they've written a pair of books, 100 Ways to Love youe Husband and 100 Ways to Love youe Wife. And we have copies available for you here at the ministry. If you make a monthly pledge or make a one time gift of any amount to focus on the family, we'll say thank you by sending those books to you. Donate today and get those books when you call 800, the letter A and the word family 800-232-6459 or check the show notes for details.

[Jim Daly]

Let me ask you, Matt, you thought you were being a super husband by getting the dishes done, helping out with the chores. I mean, here you are doing all the tasks that need to be done. I mean, you and Gene need to meet. I can see that task list thing. But you thought you were getting it done. And what happened? It sounds wonderful.

[Matt Jacobson]

Well, I actually had seen a lot of marriages that I didn't want. And I thought, you know what? When I get married, I am going to be super husband. And so he's here. This should work out really well. And so I was doing all sorts of things, and if I could vacuum, if I could fold the clothes, if I could help with the laundry, I just did everything that I thought would bless my wife. And she's over there washing a dish, and then she sets it down on the counter, almost breaks it. Right. And it's a good thing towels don't break, because she threw that in the corner and she turned.

[Jim Daly]

I'm assuming you're getting some attitude.

[Matt Jacobson]

I'm getting some fire. Yeah, the flames.

[Lisa Jacobson]

You know the one.

[Matt Jacobson]

The flames, the ones coming out of her eyes. Yeah. They were pointed my direction. I'm going, what is wrong with this woman? I am doing everything. What more can I do?

[Jim Daly]

Hold the line, Lisa. What was not being done?

[Lisa Jacobson]

I didn't. Well, this is what I said. I don't need you to fold laundry. I can fold laundry. I just want to get out of this apartment. I just want to be a woman and go to coffee and have adult conversation. Because we had little ones at the time, so that's what I was longing for. So all this chore stuff, I could do that.

[Jim Daly]

Wow.

[Matt Jacobson]

Yeah. Right? It's so easy. And I was doing all this.

[Jim Daly]

Well, no, I wasn't thinking that way, actually. I would have missed that, too.

[Matt Jacobson]

Okay.

[Jim Daly]

But thanks for the help.

[Matt Jacobson]

Right, so. So she literally was just wanting me to want her. Right. Again, your wife never stopped desiring to be desired. She wanted me to want her. And part of that was saying, hey, let's step away from all the normal stuff and let's go have a cup of coffee. It's amazing that just focusing on your wife, being genuinely interested in her as a person, can turn any cup of coffee into a hot date.

[Jim Daly]

Lisa, you had a girlfriend. I think in the book you mentioned this. That marriage, that's what we talked about at the Open. I mean, that's the way the testimony of our marriage should be, that people see you and go, hey, Bob, how come we don't have that marriage? Right? I mean, it's a good thing. I think Christians should be displaying what it means to have knowledge of your spouse and to love your spouse. And this is part of the experience spiritually, emotionally, physically. But you had a girlfriend that said, I'm jealous. What was that about?

[Lisa Jacobson]

Well, she saw that I spent a lot of time with Matt. We spent a lot of time together just doing all kinds of things at home, maybe running errands. And she hardly ever saw her husband. He's working all the time. And she just felt lonely in her marriage. And so she confessed that she felt jealous and she blamed her husband entirely on the state of their relationship. And I just said to her, I said, well, to be honest, I pursue my husband. I seek him out, and I'm willing to take. It doesn't have to be a out to dinner date if he's running to the hardware store. Or we joke about having dog food dates because he had to run to the grocery store to pick up dog food. And I'd say, hey, can I come? You know, if the kids were taken care of. And I jump in. And yeah, it was, you know, it wasn't exciting, But I got that 15 minutes to the store and back to be with just him and me. And so those little things again built up to that relationship that we were enjoying. But it wasn't just him inviting me. It was myself inviting.

[Matt Jacobson]

I think one of the things that happens often is. And, you know, I don't want to be hard on the wives, but it's sometimes easy to think that you're the one that has the feelings in the relationship and your husband doesn't. He might not be expressive or demonstrative relative to how he's feeling, but he has deep and strong feelings about the relationship. And that business of pursuing, that business of reaching out, that business of being interested in that matters so much. And if he feels like he's been shut down, if he feels like what he does has been diminished in a comment in any way, it shuts him down.

[Jim Daly]

Okay, you've mentioned shopping a couple of times. I'm sad to say I finally learned a good lesson. Gene and I were up, I think the boys went skiing, and we didn't feel like skiing. And so we just took the day off and we were down in Frisco, and Gene wanted to go shopping. So I'm thinking to myself, okay, I'm going to be intentional. I'm going to be into shopping, which is really hard for me because I'm a bagger. You go in, you know what you want to get, you shoot it, you grab it.

[Matt Jacobson]

And so I'M the same.

[Jim Daly]

You're right. So, you know, we go to the first shop. I mean, this shop is only like 30 foot wide and 50 foot deep.

[Matt Jacobson]

30 second stops.

[Jim Daly]

It's 30 if that. So we go in there. It was an hour and a half. An hour and a half. I mean, I think she looked at everything and I was like, but I'm. I'm committed. I'm smiling and gritting my teeth. I'm going, this is so much fun. I can't wait to do this in the next shop. And we had about five shops to go. So I said, hey, you know what, Gene? Here's what I'm going to do. Let me just go ahead of you and I'm going to see what shop are down the street. So I went into each one and I picked out three or four items I thought she would like. I hung them with the permission of the clerk. I hung them in the dressing room.

[Matt Jacobson]

Oh, this is. Yeah, okay. This is. I finally figured it out. Way to go.

[Jim Daly]

I mean, what was great is she literally, she accepted like half of what I picked out, which I thought was pretty good. It's a D minus, but, you know, but literally she bought, you know, several blouses and a couple of sweaters I picked out.

[Matt Jacobson]

That is perfect.

[Jim Daly]

And it was good because it made me feel, like, efficient. And we put the wait time down significantly, but, you know, so the motive may not have been pure, but the outcome was good.

[Matt Jacobson]

Oh, I don't know. That sounds really great to me. I do the exact same thing.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah.

[Matt Jacobson]

Okay. When we're shopping, we do that very thing. I pick stuff out for her to look at.

[Jim Daly]

It's so much faster. Okay, John, you're on the hook.

[John Fuller]

Well, I actually backfill, I wander away, and then I pay attention to what she's looking at. And then when she's not looking, I swoop in and buy something that she was looking at.

[Lisa Jacobson]

Oh, wow, that's good scores here. That has worked well for me.

[John Fuller]

Better than the first time I tried to buy her something, which was a dress she wore once. We have a photograph of her in the dress once. And then she gave it away because it was like, so not her. It was a total mess on there.

[Matt Jacobson]

Well, there's that knowledge thing. Yeah. Figuring it out.

[Jim Daly]

Let's hit this issue right at the end here. We don't have a lot of time, but words matter. I think for me, that's probably the weapon of choice, if I could say it that way. And if there's discipline that I have to Continue to struggle with. It's kind of using my words in a way that are sarcastic or just cutting or, you know, just sometimes it's humorous, but not to her, you know, And I think it's funny. I'm laughing, she's not laughing. So speak to the importance that your words carry weight.

[Matt Jacobson]

Oh, they do. They do. You know, well, all of us bring into marriage a set of filters that are based on our childhood, the experiences that we had, and the home that we grew up in. And again, that's part of the knowledge base, understanding, you know, where that other person came from. But this business of making a joke at your wife's expense, you know, you can get a little chuckle out of it, and she might chuckle, go along with it, but what you're doing is you're closing the door of her heart. Sarcasm poisons your relationship, and it's just nothing but cutting somebody else down, making a snide remark about something. And, oh, I was just joking, but, you know, I like jokes that are at your own expense.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, that's.

[Matt Jacobson]

Tell. Tell those jokes, but never, ever speak in a sarcastic manner with your wife. It does nothing but close her heart. And a woman never slams the door of her heart in one moment. She closes it incrementally over time. And men find out once that door is closed, getting it open takes an act of God. So, yeah, don't close the door of your wife's heart with sarcasm. There's nothing good, there's nothing fruitful that comes of it.

[Jim Daly]

That's powerful statements, and I hope husbands are hearing that really clearly. And maybe some wives that also use sarcasm to get their points across. But let's close with the story you have about a couple in Georgia who were on the brink of divorce. That's a great story. And really some people are listening that this will speak to very loudly.

[Matt Jacobson]

Absolutely. Well, we got this email from out of the blue, and this woman says, hey, I'm writing you from California. I'm not from California, but I just left. I want to tell you my story. And she said, we had a terribly rocky marriage for so long, and then we saw your books online. We thought, and these are the hundred ways to love your husband, hundred ways to love your wife books. And we thought, let's order them. Last ditch effort, she said. But it took several days for the books to get there, and I decided before they arrived that I was done. So she said, I got on a plane and I flew to California. She said, that was about a month and a half ago. And she said. But unbeknownst to me, my husband started reading your book. And I could just tell on the phone that he was thinking about me differently, he was speaking to me differently, he was interacting with me differently. And all of a sudden I was feeling like he actually cared about me as a person. I felt like he had changed. And she said, so the reason I'm writing you is I've actually purchased my plane tickets. We're not getting a divorce. I'm flying back and we're going to continue on with our marriage. And she said, and I'm going to read your wife's book.

[John Fuller]

Obviously, a great conversation in the studio with our guests Matt and Lisa Jacobson today on FOCUS on the FAMILY with Jim Daly. Jim, that was a wonderful reminder about how small, simple things, just paying attention to your spouse, using kind words, listening to each other, that can have a huge impact on your marriage.

[Jim Daly]

It sure can. And I need to confess because Gene's going to hear this program. I don't always do it well. And so I was right there taking notes mentally. And it's something I always want to do better is paying ATT and being tender toward her and listening to her without finishing her sentences. I mean, yeah, those are a few things I'm struggling with, dealing with that, you know, as he said, you don't need big grand gestures to keep your love alive. Taking a nice vacation together or going to a fancy restaurant can be romantic and fun, but it's what you do every day that will either build up or tear down your relationship in your marriage. Matt and Lisa have provided more than enough suggestions about how to take your marriage to the next level. Who doesn't want to do that? We want to put this pair of books into your hands. 100 Ways to Love youe Wife and 100 Ways to Love youe Husband. I love the concept of that. Make a monthly pledge if you can, of any amount, big and small doesn't matter to focus on the family. And we'll send these two books to you right away as our way of saying thanks for being there. If you can't make a monthly pledge, a one time gift will work as well. It just helps us to plan for the budget to help other marriages and other couples do better in their marriage.

[John Fuller]

Either way, we appreciate your generosity and call now 800, the letter A and the word family 800-232-6459 or donate and request those books when you click on the link in the show notes. Well, coming up tomorrow, Kathy Lipp joins us. Join us for an important conversation about preparing your family for a crisis that could come your way.

[Matt Jacobson]

To know that you have a soft place to land on the hardest day of your life is a gift.

[John Fuller]

Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

[Lisa Jacobson]

Your marriage can be redeemed, even if the fights seem constant, even if there's.

[Matt Jacobson]

Been an affair, even if you haven't felt close in.

[Lisa Jacobson]

No matter how deep the wounds are.

[Matt Jacobson]

You can take a step toward healing.

[Lisa Jacobson]

Them with a hope Restored Marriage Intensive.

[Matt Jacobson]

Our biblically based counseling will help you.

[Lisa Jacobson]

Find the root of your problems and face challenges together.

[Matt Jacobson]

We'll talk with you, pray with you.

[Lisa Jacobson]

And help you find out which program will work best.

[Matt Jacobson]

Call us at 1-866-875-2915.