Tips for Planning Memorable Date Nights

Summary

Focus on the Family with Jim Daly Episode: Tips for Planning Memorable Date Nights
Release Date: January 3, 2025

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Guests:

• Jay Laffoon
• Laura Laffoon

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Introduction

In this episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, hosts Jim Daly and John Fuller are joined by Jay and Laura Laffoon to discuss the importance of intentional date nights for married couples. Drawing from their book, "Ultimate Date Night: 52 Amazing Dates for Busy Couples," the Laffoons provide practical advice and creative ideas to help couples maintain a strong and connected relationship despite the challenges of modern life.

The Importance of Intentional Date Nights

John Fuller sets the stage by emphasizing the significance of being intentional in dating one’s spouse:

"We're going to talk about being intentional in dating your spouse." [00:19]

Jim Daly adds that in the busyness of life, couples often neglect regular date nights, which are essential for nurturing the marital bond.

"We get wrapped up in the busyness of life. I'm guilty of that." [00:30]

Strategies for Busy Couples

The Laffoons highlight strategies to incorporate date nights into hectic schedules:

• Utilizing Resources: Their book offers 52 date ideas categorized by cost and effort, making it easier for couples to choose activities that fit their circumstances.

• Sharing Childcare: Laura recommends partnering with grandparents or other trusted family members to share childcare responsibilities, enabling couples to take turns enjoying their time out.

"If you're involved in a church or maybe you're involved in a small group... you can share childcare." [15:12]

Personal Anecdotes

Jay Laffoon shares a humorous story about a date night gone wrong:

"We're getting a couple's massage for my birthday...she does not want to be touched." [05:00]

This anecdote underscores the importance of understanding and respecting one’s spouse preferences when planning activities.

In contrast, another story highlights successful simple date ideas:

"Sometimes the simplest things speak the most... snuggling in front of the fire." [07:02]

Communication and Quality Time

The discussion emphasizes the critical role of communication in relationships:

• Uninterrupted Conversations: The Laffoons advocate for daily uninterrupted conversations to discuss plans, feelings, and daily events, freeing date nights to focus solely on each other without the distraction of everyday stresses.

"Spending 15 minutes every day in uninterrupted conversation... then when you go on your date nights, that need has already been met." [20:24]

• Minimizing Screen Time: Both hosts acknowledge the pervasive issue of screen distraction, encouraging couples to put away phones during meals and designated times to foster meaningful interactions.

"The average American couple spends four minutes a day alone together. That's frightening." [09:30]

Planning and Purposeful Dates

Laura Laffoon discusses the importance of purpose in date nights:

"The purpose is to just be together... we think, you know, when the kids are grown and our jobs have settled in, and then we'll still be there." [10:19]

Couples are encouraged to set clear intentions for their dates, whether romantic or adventurous, to ensure that the activities align with their relationship goals.

"Understanding what the purpose of the evening is... to focus on your spouse." [22:19]

Involving Spirituality

Integrating spirituality into date nights is presented as a way to honor God within the marriage:

• Spiritual Conversations: The Laffoons suggest incorporating spiritual discussions and reflecting on biblical teachings to strengthen the marital relationship.

"Every good and pleasing gift comes from the Lord... trying to bring God into the date." [24:05]

• Scriptural Inspiration: Referencing the Song of Solomon, they illustrate how scripture can inspire romantic and meaningful interactions between spouses.

"Song of Solomon is basically one big date... pursuing one another." [25:23]

Addressing Challenges

The conversation also delves into handling challenges that couples may face during date nights:

• Managing Expectations: Jay Laffoon quotes Gary Thomas, highlighting that excessive expectations can strain marriages.

"The problem with marriage is we expect too much from it." [17:13]

• Flexibility and Adaptation: Couples are encouraged to adapt their date plans to each other’s comfort zones and preferences, fostering mutual respect and understanding.

"We have to make a conscious effort to meet them where they're at." [22:20]

Recommendations and Resources

John Fuller and the hosts encourage listeners to explore the Laffoons' book for a comprehensive list of date ideas and underlying principles to enhance marital relationships. They also mention additional resources like free conversation starters available on their website.

"Get a copy of this terrific little resource that they have. Ultimate date night: 52 amazing dates for Busy couples." [14:11]

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Conclusion

This episode provides valuable insights into the significance of intentional date nights for maintaining and strengthening marriages. Through personal stories, practical strategies, and spiritual integration, Jay and Laura Laffoon offer listeners actionable steps to create memorable and meaningful experiences with their spouses amidst the demands of contemporary life.

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Notable Quotes:

• "We're getting a couple's massage for my birthday...she does not want to be touched." — Jay Laffoon [05:00]

• "Sometimes the simplest things speak the most... snuggling in front of the fire." — Jay Laffoon [07:02]

• "The average American couple spends four minutes a day alone together. That's frightening." — Jay Laffoon [09:30]

• "The problem with marriage is we expect too much from it." — Jay Laffoon [17:13]

• "Every good and pleasing gift comes from the Lord... trying to bring God into the date." — Jay Laffoon [24:05]

Transcript

[Jay Laffoon]

And if you understand coming into it what the so called purpose of this evening is.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, that's good.

[Jay Laffoon]

It becomes a lot easier to put the phone down, to focus on your spouse and to really make a concerted effort to meet them where they're at.

[John Fuller]

That's Jay Lefoon and he and his wife Laura join us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. They're going to be talking about being intentional in dating your spouse. Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller.

[Jim Daly]

John, I'm looking forward to the conversation today. You know, often we get wrapped up in the busyness of life. I'm guilty of that. And we'll go weeks without doing a date night. We have a little Mexican restaurant that we like to go to and enjoy the patio, but, you know, now there's snow out there, so I gotta come up with something new. But I'm looking forward to making this as easy as it can be made for you because our guests have this wonderful book, ultimate date night 52amazing dates for busy couples. So all you need to do is pick this up and like, go through it. Date night one, date night two. It's that easy. So you don't have any excuses now.

[John Fuller]

Well, especially since we're getting an executive summary of the book from the authors. So the next 20, 25 minutes are going to be the condensation of this book, but you're going to want it because we're not going to cover all 52 date ideas. I'm really excited, Jim, because even.

[Jim Daly]

Are you really excited?

[John Fuller]

Well, I am because tonight is a date night. So I'm going to walk away with something that's fantastic to apply tonight.

[Jim Daly]

Taking the boys to a basketball game.

[Jay Laffoon]

So that won't.

[Jim Daly]

She didn't want to go. Yeah, I was going to check it off as a date night.

[Jay Laffoon]

Unless she's going to take a warm bath at home. That'll.

[John Fuller]

Yeah, yeah, there you go.

[Jim Daly]

It's a different date night, right?

[John Fuller]

Well, the Laun have been here before. They're kind of edutainers. They, they, they love to educate through entertainment and they are just so fun to listen to. And so I know you're going to lean in and enjoy this conversation today.

[Jim Daly]

Jay and Laura, welcome back.

[Jay Laffoon]

Great to be here.

[Jim Daly]

Honored to be here. All right, Laura, you're representing all women today. You're at the table with three minutes. It's three to one, which Laura says, okay, that's, that's fair.

[John Fuller]

I can still win.

[Laura Laffoon]

I can handle it.

[Jim Daly]

Why are you two so passionate about married Couples doing date nights. What's the benefit?

[Laura Laffoon]

You know, I think we're. We're so passionate about it because it's just something that we've naturally done. We've always enjoyed being together. There's not any time that I can remember that we were like, get out of my face, you know, that we didn't like each other, that we, we have a lot of similar hobbies. And so for us, it's never been a big deal to find stuff to do together. We're always finding new stuff. But one of the things that we do as a part of our ministry is called the ultimate date night. And we travel across the country to churches and communities and do a 90 minute show. And we would get emails after email after email that would say, hey, thanks for that date night. But what do we do now? What else can you tell us to go do on a date? And we're like, why don't we just write a book? Let's just write a book and make it simple for people. Because we live in a culture where everybody does just want to pick up. Let me just pick up, Let me open the app, let me pick up the book. Let me tell me what to do. And so that really is for us, it wasn't something that we had to work hard at, but we realized the more we do marriage ministry, that this is something people really need.

[Jay Laffoon]

And full disclosure, we have not done every one of these dates. Some of these dates are people that we know and we know are creative. And we've said, hey, tell us a couple of the dates that you've been on that you guys got creative with.

[Jim Daly]

So get on the block here. Jay, come on. Step up the pace, buddy. Come on. Well, that's good. And it's like best of practices.

[Jay Laffoon]

Yes.

[Jim Daly]

I'll go to you, Laura, once again, what are some examples of date nights? Just give us a flavor of some things that we can do.

[Laura Laffoon]

Okay, well, I'm gonna give you my notes, I'm gonna give you my favorite. And it' free date night. So that's we in the even better. Exactly. In the book, we tried to do some that are free, some that are a little bit of cost, some that might cost a little more. And we try. And in the book, we give you a key. If that's the a legend, A here's what this means.

[Jim Daly]

And so a dollar sign, no dollar sign, $3 sign.

[Laura Laffoon]

One of my favorites is free. And this actually came from a friend of ours. They are a married couple that have five children, all very young. And so date nights were very difficult for them to. You have to get a babysitter. That's gonna cost. We have to go. Well, if we go to dinner, that's gonna cost. And so what they would do is they put all the kids to bed, and he has a pickup truck. They would back the pickup truck out into the driveway. They'd put two camp chairs in the back of the pickup truck. They'd turn on their music, and they would sit and watch the stars and have conversation. And they said they could sit and do that for hours. I'm like, what a great idea. We do that again without even thinking. Especially coming from Michigan in the middle of summer. We sit on our patio and just talk for hours. And it's a great date. Doesn't cost.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. And everything we're going to point to is all the good things you can do. But I got to ask Jay this question. Come on. Give me. Give me a date night gone wrong.

[Jay Laffoon]

A date night gone. Oh, I can.

[Jim Daly]

This is what I want. Because this is where we really live.

[Jay Laffoon]

Yes. So Laura's turning 40. Okay. Not. Not anytime soon here. But a while back.

[Laura Laffoon]

This is a while back.

[Jay Laffoon]

She's turning 40. And I'm like, we've got this spa that is 20 minutes from our house. I said, let's get. I thought to myself, I'm going to get her a couple's massage. Because that. Wouldn't that just be so much fun? Now I'm picturing we're laying side by side, talking. Talking. Well, forgetting also that my wife grew up in the south and lives in a box. And unless you're invited in that box, she does not want to be touched. In other words, she's not a big, huggy person.

[Jim Daly]

Okay. Right.

[Jay Laffoon]

And we pull up to the spot. She's like, what are we doing? So we're getting a couple's massage for my birthday. I said, yeah. I said, I know it was very expensive, but, you know, I just thought it'd be great. She's like, you know, I don't like to be touched.

[Laura Laffoon]

You're getting me a massage.

[Jay Laffoon]

And right then I'm just like, oh, my goodness.

[Jim Daly]

No, I'm with you. Jean's thing is just being in the same room. If we were to do that. She's like, I don't want. I want to sleep. I want to. You know.

[Jay Laffoon]

And that's what happened. So I'm thinking couples massage. We get in there, we're sitting. We've got our robes on, and this lovely young lady comes in and Says, laura, I'll take you. And so I'm like. And then Sven walks in. I mean, he's literally six, two, built, like.

[Jim Daly]

Best massage of your life.

[Jay Laffoon]

No, no, no. It was painful.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, that's what I mean. He worked out all the kids, and.

[Jay Laffoon]

I didn't like it. I get out. I said to the Lord, I'm never doing that again. She came out and she goes, that was wonderful.

[Jim Daly]

That's good.

[Jay Laffoon]

It had elements of bad and good, but it was.

[Jim Daly]

That sounds like a little trick on you.

[Jay Laffoon]

Yes.

[Jim Daly]

You never know what the Lord's up.

[Laura Laffoon]

To you, but, yeah, we never know.

[Jim Daly]

What your wife is up to.

[Laura Laffoon]

We pulled into that parking lot, and I'm like, we're doing what for my birthday? Seriously, you could have just taken me to a mall and given me a credit card, and I would have been fine.

[Jim Daly]

I'm going to let you redeem yourself, Jay, because you also had one in there about snuggling in front of a fire and that being the date night. Describe that one. That sounded like a home run.

[Jay Laffoon]

You know, sometimes the simplest things speak the most. My wife's love language is quality time. And so anytime, especially when we had kids, if I could arrange for the kids to be either at friend's house or grandma and grandpa's house, and it's just the two of us, you know, we would snuggle in front of the fire. Now, again, true confession. We do not have a real fireplace, but we have a thing that resembles a fire. And I also know that on Netflix you can get a fire on your. And it even crackles, but just, you know, sitting there with no intention other than to be with her and to, you know, talk about what she wants to talk about.

[Laura Laffoon]

Sometimes we would do puzzles or play card games. I mean, it doesn't have to be like, you just sit and snuggle.

[Jay Laffoon]

Snuggle.

[Laura Laffoon]

Because we just said, I don't like to be touched, but that's okay.

[Jay Laffoon]

But, you know, it's figuring out what your spouse desires. And it's not need, it's desire. And I don't think there's anything wrong with the fact that she desires to have quality time with me. It's not an evil desire. So what does she desire? So let's make that happen. And that's what these dates are about. I'll never forget. We're doing a date night in Ohio, Rural Ohio. And we were in a cafetorium. So is there cafeteria and auditorium all over. Cafe Jimitorium. So it was also their gym.

[Jim Daly]

Cafe, gym.

[Jay Laffoon]

And there was this old couple. They were sitting under a can light. So I watched them the whole time. They had to be in their 80s, and they were just embracing each other. And after they came to buy some books and they said, young man, I said, yes, you need to let all these young people know what you did to get your spouse is what you need to do to keep your spouse.

[Jim Daly]

Oh, that's good.

[Jay Laffoon]

That is gold. You know, and so that's the dating thing. You dated, you spent money, you did things to do, you talked.

[Jim Daly]

Yes, that's what that says.

[Jay Laffoon]

That's a big one.

[Jim Daly]

You used to talk to me a lot more when we were dating. Has anybody ever heard that?

[Jay Laffoon]

Oh, yeah.

[Jim Daly]

Let me ask this again. For younger couples who might be captive to screens. I mean, how many restaurants that Gene and I have gone to, and we're really good about putting phones away when we're having dinner. If it's at home, same thing. If we're at a restaurant, the same thing. But you look around the restaurant, I mean, families of three, four, five, they're all looking at their screens. Nobody's talking. And so speak to that need to put that away.

[Jay Laffoon]

It's funny, because that's not a date night. No, it's not. I believe it was. I can't remember who did this study, but they said the average American couple spends four minutes a day alone together. And they qualified that by saying no screens. So alone means no screens, four minutes a day. Wow, that's frightening because it just. Communication is so hard to begin with, and when you're not spending any time doing it, it complicates matters.

[Jim Daly]

Right.

[John Fuller]

So there are a couple of things in the book I'd like to ask about, because I get that, and I think we're pretty good about that. But purpose. You mentioned that dates should have purpose, which seems kind of counter to just hanging out and serving my spouse. So how do I inject some purpose into a date where I'm trying to give them what they're desiring? To Jay's point?

[Laura Laffoon]

Well, I think that is what the purpose is, the purpose of whatever the date is. Well, first of all, when we first started floating ideas out there to people, you know, when they would email and I'd go, well, what about if you do this or do this? The response 99% of the time was, but I don't like to do that. I don't like to. I don't like to go for walks. I don't like to go for bike rides. That would be j. I would love to go for a bike ride, Heat. Well, you know, the purpose is to just be together so often. And I think Jim said this in the beginning. We are so busy that we neglect connecting. We neglect that time because we think, you know, when the kids are grown and our jobs have settled in, and then we'll still be there. If you haven't built into this relationship, you're not still going to be there 15 years down the road, you know, when the kids are gone.

[Jim Daly]

Let me ask you this, because temperaments are so critical. You know, we tend to marry people that are opposite. Not everybody. I don't mean to overgeneralize, but. But let me just overgeneralize. You know, Jean and I. I'm extrovert. She's introvert. She loves communication, deep communication. She's the person that walks into a big room and she'd like to be with three people and really get to know them. That is like, oh, my goodness, how could you do that? I want to say Hi to all 150 people. I really don't want to know much about you other than this is fun. Isn't it fun to be here?

[Jay Laffoon]

Right.

[Jim Daly]

Good to see you.

[Jay Laffoon]

Bye.

[Jim Daly]

Okay, you know, so that's just the illustration at its extreme. But when you're in this context of a date night, you know, you do have people that have bents. You know, you have people that are deep inward thinkers, that are numbers people. They're not given to outward communication. They're trying to figure out what you're thinking. So how do you, as a couple, improve that communication with that goal in mind, with someone who is not that talkative, might be more introverted, husband or wife? How do you recognize that? Because you're trying to help them out of a hole in the communication.

[Laura Laffoon]

Right?

[Jay Laffoon]

That's a great question. And I think one of the things that we've always come back to is because Laura loves to shop. And early in our marriage, I would literally go shop.

[Laura Laffoon]

I don't have to buy. I just like to shop.

[Jim Daly]

That's even worse.

[Jay Laffoon]

She doesn't have to buy.

[Jim Daly]

Why would you be shopping without the goal of buying?

[Jay Laffoon]

But I detested it. I couldn't stand it. So I would make life miserable. On those Saturdays, we would go to the mall, and finally someone said to me, jay, why are you doing this? Because it's important to Laura. This is something she enjoys. Why would you do that? And I began to change slowly, to see the joy that she found in the way that she was wired. And so do I enjoy shopping? No. But I enjoy watching her enjoy that. And you know, as far as helping someone change their temperament, I don't know that we can.

[Jim Daly]

Well, you can't change them. But it's how to encourage them. Encourage them to come out of that show.

[Jay Laffoon]

Well, if I could say it that way again, True Confession. I'm an introvert.

[Jim Daly]

Okay.

[Jay Laffoon]

And we were talking before the show about our little neighborhood parties.

[Jim Daly]

Yes.

[Jay Laffoon]

I can't stand them. I'm like, laura, don't make me go. Please just let me stay home and watch football. But this last one we had, I got in the car when we were done and I said, that was really fun. Thanks for making me go.

[Laura Laffoon]

Yeah.

[Jay Laffoon]

And it was. You know, so sometimes we do these things to stretch our spouse a little out of their comfort zone. And when we do that, and we do that gently, because she did it very gently, but she's like, jay, these are our neighbors. We gotta love them. We've gotta, you know, show them Jesus. Because a lot of em don't know Jesus.

[Jim Daly]

I love your attitude. That's great. Okay. Gotta show them Jesus.

[Jay Laffoon]

Show Jesus.

[Jim Daly]

Okay, Lauren, let's go.

[Laura Laffoon]

It's like taking your kids to church on Sunday morning when they've been screaming and yelling, we're gonna go learn about the love of Jesus. Get in the car.

[Jim Daly]

That's argue all the way to church, that's for sure.

[John Fuller]

Well, I don't know how long you've been married, but if you're married, you can probably relate to some of what we're talking about today with Jay and Laura Laffoon. Get a copy of this terrific little resource that they have. Ultimate date night 52amazing dates for Busy couples. You're going to find all sorts of great ideas here and some underlying principles to help grow as a couple. And we have copies of the book here. The details are in the show notes. Or give us a call. 800 a family.

[Jim Daly]

You know, we have a growing number of listeners, which is great, that have younger children in the home. And that for Gene and I, just out of our own experience with Trent and Troy when they were younger, it was hard to do a date night. I mean, you said earlier the babysitter thing and all that speak specifically to that phase in life. And, you know, sometimes we can kick ourselves that we're okay. We haven't done date night in two weeks, three weeks, whatever it might be. And then you load guilt on top of a really busy schedule. That's not the goal here. The goal is to just get into a rhythm that you can get out and do this because it's really healthy for you.

[Laura Laffoon]

Yes, it is. And we highly recommend grandparents as grandparents. We highly recommend grandparents, but we also encourage couples, especially if you're involved in a church or maybe you're involved in a small group with couples who are in the same walk of life, you can share childcare.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah.

[Laura Laffoon]

And what I mean is, Jay and I are gonna go out this weekend and. Hey, can you guys take our kids Friday night?

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, that's great.

[Laura Laffoon]

And then we'll take your kids next Friday night. Sharing that responsibility, sharing that. Then you give everybody a chance to have a date night. It doesn't cost you anything. It just. Other than you have somebody else's kids in your home. And.

[Jay Laffoon]

But sometimes that can be a good thing because it keeps your kids entertained.

[Laura Laffoon]

But it is important in that young, married, young kids, because the kids demand so much of your time, and your jobs demand your. And just life demands so much of time to have that hour again. That's why we have so many in the book of free dates, things that you can do that don't cost a lot of money, so that if you do need to spend the money on childcare, you can spend the money on childcare and then just go for a walk.

[Jim Daly]

I could just see the husband looking through the book, going with a little highlighter. This one. Page four. This one. All the free dates. Don't do that. Occasionally spend some money.

[John Fuller]

Well, related to that, there are special occasions, and it feels like there's a lot of stress and pressure on these special occasions. In fact, we went to a marriage getaway one time, and we had one of the worst fights ever in our marriage. It was like. I think it was because of the expectations and the stress of young kids in the home. So talk a little bit about how we can kind of let go of those expectations and maybe appropriately celebrate the.

[Laura Laffoon]

Well, I think there are times. I mean, we do our celebrate your marriage conference, and we have people who come to celebrate their 10th, 15th, 25th wedding anniversary. It's a big deal. But I think that there are times when you go, you know what? This is something to celebrate. 40 years is something to celebrate, but let's try and celebrate it in a little more calmer.

[Jay Laffoon]

Well, I'm sure you guys are good friends with Gary Thomas, the author, good friend of ours. And one of my favorite quotes from Gary is, the problem with marriage is we expect too much from it.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, that's right.

[Jay Laffoon]

And I think that sometimes we build all these expectations up. And, no, Laura did not marry Jesus, Junior. I mean, I am a human being with flaws.

[Jim Daly]

But you're so close.

[Jay Laffoon]

You know, but.

[Jim Daly]

And all the wives.

[Jay Laffoon]

Yeah, but. So you're going to disappoint. You're going to have those moments where our expectations are unmet. But as loving couples, we need to nurture and encourage each other during those times that, you know, this wasn't quite what we expected, but let's look at the good things that came out.

[Laura Laffoon]

But I do think there's also times for anticipation when you do have a big, you know, 10, 15, 20, 25. Anticipating those, you know, not the day before, but thinking about it as it's coming up. And what can you do that would be fun, but try and eliminate the stress.

[Jim Daly]

Let's also educate young couples. When your wife says, I don't need anything, I don't want anything, can you believe I took the bait? Oh, I think I'm still paying for that.

[John Fuller]

This happened to you?

[Jim Daly]

You know, it was like the fourth or fifth, I don't know, some early anniversary.

[Jay Laffoon]

The problem is for us men, if we say, I don't need anything, guess what?

[John Fuller]

We made it.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, but. Yeah, that's not what she's saying.

[Laura Laffoon]

I'm trying to alleviate your guilt and stress, but think of something. Just think of something.

[Jim Daly]

Only yet to add more to the guilt. You thought I didn't want anything.

[John Fuller]

This is a trap.

[Jim Daly]

Who said that? You know, one of the things, too. You know, oftentimes a date night can turn into a business meeting and we gotta be really careful. We've talked a lot about what types of date nights to have through your great book, ultimate date night 52amazing dates for busy couples. Now let's talk about the content of the date night. You don't talk budget, you don't talk about problem with the kids. Don't talk about the in laws and where you're going to go for Thanksgiving or Christmas. This is time to be more intimate.

[Jay Laffoon]

And this is why some of these are so good, because you're so active in the date that we've got that you can't really be talking. For example, one of my favorites is called the Treasure Hunt. And most people don't know there's a thing called geocaching, which you can download an app on your, on your phone and you can go out and find these little treasures. While you're doing that, you're gonna have some conversation, but you're not gonna be conversating about the kids or about business. Another one where you're probably not gonna be talking about kids is when you go axe throwing together, you know, haven't tried that one. That's enough.

[Jim Daly]

You're not on good terms in that moment. I don't think that would be a good one. I'm so sorry, honey. It slipped.

[Jay Laffoon]

That's right. But, you know, I mean, there's certain activities that are just going to lend themselves to not having conversations.

[John Fuller]

Yeah. I want to put a caveat even on that, because there was a time when we were having a date and Dina was talking about the kids, and I'm like, no, no, no. I don't want to talk about the kids right now. And she looked at me and she said, that's what's on my heart right now. And I realized, okay, I can't be, like, black and white about this. If that's really where she's at, I'm not gonna. We're not gonna score points by saying, nope. No, no. See, we have to be sensitive, don't we?

[Laura Laffoon]

That's very true. But also, we're big proponents of encouraging couples to spend 15 minutes every day in uninterrupted conversation. So kids are in bed before the kids wake up. Whenever it is, just look at each other eyeball to eyeball and have conversations. And that's where those conversations happen. That's where you plan the next Christmas, the vacation. You talk about the kids, what's going on. Then when you go on your date nights, that need has already been met. And if you can build that habit, then when you go on a date, you can be more intentional, being with each other and talking about your marriage and those types of happenings, and that's a good reminder.

[Jim Daly]

The other thing you can fall into is that feeling like it's. This is a box you check.

[Laura Laffoon]

Yes.

[Jim Daly]

You know, and I think. I think maybe men would fall into that trap a little bit more. Okay, I'm doing it. What more do you want from me?

[Jay Laffoon]

Dinner and a movie. Dinner and a movie.

[Jim Daly]

Dinner and a movie. Wasn't that good?

[Laura Laffoon]

Movie.

[Jim Daly]

Did you like the movie?

[Jay Laffoon]

Good.

[Jim Daly]

I've been intimate now, emotionally, I mean, seriously, you know, and so you have to, like, have the. Not the letter of the life about date night, but the heart and the spirit of it. You got to aim for that. And again, some people will struggle with that just naturally. It's not because they're bad people. It's just my head's not there. How do you get your head there and get your head in the game?

[Jay Laffoon]

Right. I think you have to really take a conscious look at what is the purpose of this date, we didn't do this specifically, but we've kind of. There's two different types of dates. There's romantic dates and there's adventure dates. And some are more romantic, some are less romantic, some are more adventuresome, some are less adventuresome. But if you go into there knowing, you know, we love to whitewater raft, well, that's not going to be a romantic date, you know, that's going to be an adventure date. But we both love it, so let's go do it. As opposed to, we also like fine dining. That's going to be a romantic date. And if you understand coming into it what the so called purpose of this evening is.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, that's good.

[Jay Laffoon]

It becomes a lot easier to put the phone down, to focus on your spouse and to really make a concerted effort to meet them where they're at.

[Jim Daly]

So really, again, what you're talking about is setting expectations, that's what that is, as to what the date night is about. And do that probably a little bit gently in some cases and other times pretty forthrightly. You know, what's on for tonight? What are we trying to aim at? I mean, that again, with black and white thinkers. That's really helpful. They actually like that. My wife's a biochemistry person. She always wants me to say chemistry. Isn't that funny right there? She took biology classes, but no, it's not biochemistry, it's chemistry. Okay, sorry. She's a chemistry person, but I mean, that is a black and white thinker. You know, she does measurements very carefully, making pancakes, all that kind of thing. And I need to be more explicit about these things, be plain spoken, and that helps her sometimes. I don't want to be. I want a more elusive kind of idea. Oh, my goodness. That's the problem, that she doesn't manage spontaneity and I don't manage straightforwardness. So it's just one of the things that we.

[Jay Laffoon]

I don't think that's uncommon. I know. I think that's a lot of people. Because I want a plan. I want a plan and I don't want to deviate from the plan. Whereas Laura's like, whatever. Yeah, exactly.

[Jim Daly]

You know, one of the things.

[Laura Laffoon]

Let's just go.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, I like that. One of the key things in these moments. And again, this is a great attribute of my wife Jean. She loves a spiritual element. We've talked pretty much the whole time. Where's God in all this? And how do we as Christians, how do we honor him and invite him into this? In a way that makes sense. It's not concocted. It's real.

[Jay Laffoon]

Every good and pleasing gift comes from the Lord. And I think when we realize that our spouse is that good and pleasing gift, and we're honored to be able to be with them. One of the things that we've tried to do with most of the dates is to have a. Because I'm a preacher at heart, according to my wife, is to have a spiritual tone to it. You know, what is. And again, like with the ax swing. Iron sharpens iron. Well, honey, I'm sorry.

[Jim Daly]

That's a funny one.

[Jay Laffoon]

Bing.

[Jim Daly]

Oh, honey, sorry. It's a good day. Iron sharpens iron. Yeah.

[Jay Laffoon]

Or the geocaching. Finding treasure in. You know, we're in clay pots, but we're a treasure in a clay pot. And so trying to. That's what these date nights for, those that are not necessarily bent on the spiritual side of life, this is just a gentle nudge towards how you can bring God into the date.

[Laura Laffoon]

So in the book, we do have some helpful hints for discussion that points you towards spiritual things, towards God, place that you can journal if you're that type of person. Here's what we did. Here's what we talked about. You know, those kinds of things. If you want to keep that. I'm more the journaler than Jay is, but. But, yeah, that's. That definitely God has brought you together for a reason. And so God is a part of this union. And we want to make sure that you steer your dates that direction.

[Jay Laffoon]

And scripture is clear. I mean, Song of Solomon is basically one big date. You know, they're pursuing one another, and that's what dating is about, is pursuing one another in a way that garners that romance, that garners those feelings that we first had when we were married.

[Jim Daly]

A little bit cultural difference. You know, you remind me of a great goat or pomegranate or whatever. Right? You got it. You got to kind of go with the culture.

[Jay Laffoon]

Also the ghost teeth. I think we're involved.

[Jim Daly]

The goat's hair. Don't try that one. It doesn't work today. But this has been great, you guys. Thanks so much. What a wonderful help. Ultimate date night. 52amazing dates for busy couples. You made it as easy as it can be. And as we said, the recap, there's no expense. Some expense and more expense in some of these date nights. So it's up to you to figure out which one you want to lay out there at that moment. And, you know, like we often do, if you can make a gift of any amount. We'll send you the copy of the book and that way we're doing ministry together. You're part of the team helping other couples, saving babies lives, helping parents be better parents. Why not do a win, win, win. So send a gift. We'll send you the book and you can get with the date nights.

[John Fuller]

Yeah. Call us today and donate generously as you can. Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family. 800-232-6459 or we've got all the details in the show notes. And when you're at the website, be sure to look for a list of free conversation starters that we have for you. Our marriage team has compiled a list of at least 100 different things that you can use to kind of kick off your conversation when you're on a date. So check that link out and I think you'll enjoy that as well.

[Jim Daly]

Hey, Jay and Laura, thank you so much. This has been fun and insightful. So thank you so much.

[Jay Laffoon]

Our pleasure.

[John Fuller]

Thanks for having us and plan to be with us next time. We'll hear from Jade Warshaw. She co hosts the Ramsey show and has some insights about handling finances as a couple.

[Unknown]

And so if you can change just the simplest terms of saying, how are we going to spend our money and did we get paid this weekend? And you know, have we paid our bills yet? Just the we, the our the us. It really creates unity between the two.

[John Fuller]

On behalf of the entire team, thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

[Unknown]

Your marriage can be redeemed even if the fights seem constant, even if there's been an affair, even if you haven't felt close in years, no matter how deep the wounds are, you can take a step toward healing them with a Hope Restored Marriage Intensive. Our biblically based counseling will help you find the root of your problems and face challenges together. We'll talk with you, pray with you and help you find out which program will work best. Call us at 1-866-875-2915.