Understanding How Birth Order Impacts Your Marriage

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Understanding How Birth Order Impacts Your Marriage

Podcast: Focus on the Family with Jim Daly
Episode: "Understanding How Birth Order Impacts Your Marriage"
Date: July 14, 2026
Guest: Dr. Kevin Lehman (psychologist and author of "The Birth Order Book")
Hosts: Jim Daly & John Fuller

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Main Theme

This episode explores how your birth order—the sequence in which you and your spouse were born in your respective families—shapes individual personalities and significantly affects marital relationships. Dr. Kevin Lehman, renowned for his expertise on the subject, uses humor, personal stories, and decades of clinical insight to help couples understand and navigate these dynamics for a healthier, more understanding marriage.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Birth Order Traits Explained

• Firstborns: Organized, conscientious, reliable, tend to make lists and follow the "right way" (02:07).
• Middle Children: Adaptable, mediators, loyal friends, often negotiators due to being squeezed between siblings (02:29).
• Youngest (Babies): Attention-getting, charming, outgoing, fun-loving—often the family entertainer (02:58).
• Only Children: Share many firstborn traits, but intensified ("super-..."); mature early, often called "little adults" (03:44).

2. Variables Influencing Birth Order Effects

• Gender can give a "firstborn" quality to non-firstborn siblings (05:03).
• Age gaps (e.g., children more than 5 years apart) can "reset" birth order dynamics (05:26).
• Birth order isn't strictly linear—large families or twins can disrupt the pattern (06:46).
• Family environment, such as the presence of critical parents, also shapes relational styles (09:21).

3. Birth Order and Marriage: Patterns & Magnetisms

• 80/20 Rule: About 80% of people marry outside their own birth order, which helps balance the relationship (00:31; 07:17; 13:06).
  • Dr. Lehman: "Simply marrying outside of your birth order increases the probability of success in marriage." (00:31)
• Opposites attract, and this dynamic often leads to attraction between people of different birth orders (07:46).

4. Specific Marriage Combinations—Strengths & Challenges

• Firstborn + Firstborn: Both tend to be controllers and perfectionists; likely to "should" each other. Need to learn gentle communication and division of labor (13:22).
  • "They spend a lifetime... shoulding on each other." (13:22, Lehman)
  • Practical tip: Solicit input ("I'd like your opinion...") to encourage collaboration rather than competition (14:11).
• Firstborn + Middle Child: Middle children bring balance, are natural peacemakers, and are adaptable—an excellent match for many (14:51).
  • "A middle child is a good match for a baby... or for either an only or a firstborn. They add balance in a very natural way." (15:14, Lehman)
• Oldest + Youngest: A "naturally good combination." Firstborns provide structure; youngest brings fun and lightness (15:47).
  • "We really need each other because the firstborn can be too perfectionistic... and she needs me to put it bluntly." (17:07, Lehman)
• Middle + Youngest: Youngest must learn not to be self-centered; middle should be asked their opinion and affirmed (17:53; 19:13).

5. Birth Order and Communication Patterns

• Middles often overlooked; need deliberate encouragement and engagement from their spouses (17:53).
  • "No one ever asks a middle child, 'What do you think?' " (18:03, Lehman)
• Youngest can be self-focused; best to practice generosity and selflessness "natural tithing" (18:13).
• Importance of recognizing the emotional imprint from one's family of origin (e.g., critical parents), which can profoundly affect marital dynamics (09:21; 11:28).

6. Biblical Perspective and God's Role

• Birth order and family patterns are part of God’s design, but healing and healthy growth require Christ at the center (10:51, 11:28).
  • "If anything is going to overcome this great dysfunction in a family, it's the love of Jesus Christ in one's life." (11:51, Lehman)
  • Recognizing that faith and grace can break unhealthy cycles (11:51).

7. Practical Advice for Singles and Couples

• When seeking a partner: focus on godliness over technical "perfect fit" (19:56).
  • "Does this person really love God? ... You're already on first base." (20:04, Lehman)
• Watch for warning signs like temper, which signals control issues (20:13).
• Understand your spouse’s relationship with their parent, especially their father, as it can predict compatibility and challenges (21:06).

8. Dealing with Differences in Marriage

• Celebrate differences; don't be threatened by them (22:45).
• Empathy for those from dysfunctional backgrounds—love and grace are essential for healing and thriving marriages (21:07).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Middle Children:
  • "A middle child is a good match... They add balance in a very natural way." (15:14, Lehman)
• Humor about Birth Order:
  • "I talked my way into Disney World... Not one ticket, not two, but nine." (03:14, Lehman)
• On Marital Attraction:
  • "If both of us were the same, there'd be little use for one of us." (07:46, Lehman)
• On Family Dynamics in Marriage:
  • "When two people marry, it's not two, it's at least six." (09:19, Lehman)
• Christ in Marriage:
  • "If anything is going to overcome this great dysfunction in a family, it's the love of Jesus Christ in one's life." (11:51, Lehman)
• On Perfectionism:
  • "Perfection is slow suicide." (17:27, Lehman)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:31 – Overview: Why marrying outside your birth order is beneficial.
• 02:07–03:44 – Lehman’s family & foundational explanation of birth order traits.
• 05:03–06:46 – Variables that affect how birth order presents (age gaps, gender, twins).
• 07:46 – Why opposites attract and birth order’s role in attraction.
• 09:19–10:51 – Impact of family of origin, in-laws, and critical parents.
• 11:28–12:53 – The biblical view: God’s design, healing from dysfunction, and grace.
• 13:06–15:41 – Marriage combos: firstborn/firstborn, firstborn/middle, firstborn/baby.
• 17:53–19:25 – Encouraging better communication based on birth order differences.
• 19:56–22:45 – Advice for singles; warning signs to watch for, especially temper/control issues.
• 22:45–24:29 – Celebrating differences and supporting one another.
• Throughout: Humor, practical examples, and real-life stories from Dr. Lehman and the hosts.

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Episode Tone & Appeal

Upbeat, engaging, and accessible, with a blend of humor, empathy, and biblically rooted guidance. Dr. Lehman’s lighthearted yet practical style keeps the material relatable, while Jim Daly and John Fuller provide a warm, supportive atmosphere, encouraging listeners to apply these lessons personally.

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Conclusion

Whether you’re single, engaged, or married for decades, understanding birth order brings powerful insight into your relationships. Takeaways:

• Embrace and appreciate the unique quirks your birth order brings to your marriage.
• Communicate with an awareness of your spouse’s family background and natural inclinations.
• Make Christ the center, extend grace, and remember that healing—from past wounds or personality clashes—is an ongoing process best done together.

For deeper insight:
Explore Dr. Kevin Lehman’s The Birth Order Book.

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Transcript

[Jim Daly]

Taylor loves listening every day because we give him ideas, tips, and resources to improve his marriage.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

I like giving back to focus on

[Jim Daly]

the family because Jesus came not to

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

be served, but to serve.

[Jim Daly]

And focus has served me tremendously.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

I just felt it on my heart

[Jim Daly]

that I needed to give back. I'm Jim Daly. Let's transform our nation one family at a time with your monthly pledge at Focus on the Family.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

We tend to marry outside of our birth order, and that's a good thing because simply marrying outside of your birth order increases the probability of success in marriage.

[John Fuller]

You're going to HEAR More from Dr. Kevin Leeman today on Focus on the Family. Your host is Focus president and author Jim Daly. And I'm John fuller.

[Jim Daly]

Every time Dr. Lehman's with us, he knocks it out of the park. His sense of humor, his stories, his practical applications all make for a great conversation. He's known as the birth order guy and he has some strong insights on how the order in which you were born affects your personality. His groundbreaking book, the Birth Order Book, really helps you better understand yourself and how birth order plays a role in who you are. Today we're coming back to a program with Dr. Kevin Lehman about improving your marriage relationship by knowing more about your birth order and your spouse's birth order. This was really fun and eye opening.

[John Fuller]

It was. And on previous programs as We've talked with Dr. Leeman about birth order and how it influences us as individuals and as parents. This was the first time we talked with him, though, about how that birth order affects the marriage relationship. And Dr. Lehman is an internationally known psychologist, radio and television personality, educator, speaker. He's written book over 50 books on parenting, marriage and family living. And we're going to pick up the conversation as he describes how he developed an interest in this concept of the birth order.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

Well, I was sitting in a college classroom and my professor was talking about the firstborn child and he described the firstborn as organized, doesn't like surprises, reliable, conscientious, a list maker, an achiever. There's a right way to do things. I said, oh my goodness. He just described my sister. And then he went to the middle child opposite from the firstborn. Yeah, check. Hard to pin down, plays off of whatever above him in the family, a mediator, a negotiator, huge with loyalty and friendships. And I thought, oh my goodness, just described my brother. And yet my brother was an A student like my older sister. Okay, so he was the firstborn male. Let me point that out, as well as the middle child.

[Jim Daly]

So both Attributes, Yes.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

And then he went to the baby. And that was the clincher for me. Attention getting, fun loving, never met a stranger could sell dead rats for a living. Well, listen, one of my claims to fame is I talked my way into Disney World.

[Jim Daly]

That's pretty good.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

Now check this out. Not one ticket, not two, but nine.

[Jim Daly]

Don't tell Disney World.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

I won't. Let's keep this a secret.

[Jim Daly]

But I'll tell you this, okay? Have you ever paid them back for that?

[John Fuller]

A lot of publicity right there in the mention.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

Well, really, I mean, babies have the skill to sell dead rats for a living. In the business world, your CEOs are your presidents, your accountants, your engineers are your firstborn children. Anything where technology pays off huge, you're most likely to find the firstborn. Your entrepreneurs in the business world, Donald Trump, Steve forbes, Bill Gates Jr. I mean, I know he's a college dropout, but the guy did pretty good his middle child. So middle children tend to roll differently than the rest of the flock babies. Charming. Could sell dead rats for a living, like I said, got away with murder. Most likely to retain their pet name. Her name might be Mary Lou, but everybody still calls her Buffy. So it's interesting to me how all these cubs come out of the same den and yet they're all unique. Now, today we're having smaller families, so we have a lot of only children who are step cousins, so to speak, to the firstborns. Everything we said the firstborns are only put the word super in front of it. Super conscientious, super reliable. Super. You know, they're little adults by age 7. And so a lot of families, like we, we have five kids, but we've got an only child in that five. Well, how do you do that? Well, there's variables that affect birth order. Big age gaps, for example. Set that up.

[Jim Daly]

Let me ask you this question. That 80, 20 rule, do you find that. Because some people will say, well, that's not me. I'm first born, but I act like a last born. Does that happen? And how frequent is that?

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

It happens all the time. And the variables of birth order, you really have to understand the variables or you won't grasp what we're talking about today. The variables are sex, number one. You have five kids in the family, one of them is a male. There's something special about one child in the family. So that kid could be in the second, third, fourth, or even fifth position and still have firstborn like qualities.

[Jim Daly]

Because of his or her gender.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

Because of their gender. Okay, then. You have age gaps, a five year age gap between same sex kids. You would draw another line in a family. So that's where it splits off.

[Jim Daly]

Okay, well, let me ask you about that. So there's five kids in my family. I'm the fifth born, the last born, but I'm six years from my closest sister.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

Right.

[Jim Daly]

They're all one year apart. So what category would that be?

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

You're a firstborn son. Are you the president of Focus on the Family? Or did I not hear John Fuller write, are you the boss? Are you the boss? Well, are you the boss? Answer the question.

[Jim Daly]

You're all I've got. The title.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

I don't know.

[Jim Daly]

Actually, Gene's the boss.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

But do you see what I'm saying? That gap sets those things up. Our youngest, little Lauren, is very creative and very detailed oriented. And she's the baby of the family, but she's a functional only child. So again, only children do logarithms in their head at age seven. I mean, they're advanced from the rest

[Jim Daly]

of us, but I would think, especially in my case, I would say I'm average in those kind of discipline categories, but I'm more extroverted. I like people.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

But that's the influence of those sisters above you.

[Jim Daly]

Okay.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

We're always affected by what's above us in the family, not what's beneath us.

[Jim Daly]

Well, let me say publicly, thank you, Kim and Dee, for that influence.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

Here's the other thing. Twins. Yeah, twins break up the birth order. If you want to pray for a kid, special prayer, pray for the kid that follows the twins. Because the twins, whether they're fraternal or identical, get an awful lot of attention. So people who say, I get letters from people, oh, this is non biblical. I say, well, yeah, okay. Okay. Cain and Abel, there's a lot of things where brothers or sisters are diametrically different personalities.

[Jim Daly]

Well, that gives us kind of a good background. Let's dial it up. Now. When those firstborns, middleborns and lastborns get older and now they're going to marry somebody, we often talk about how opposites attract. I think in our marriage counseling here, similar to what you experienced, Kevin, you see that that 80, 20 rule usually applies. About 80% of us are attracted to people who are different from us. Talk about that magnetism and talk about how birth order plays into that attraction.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

Well, let's start with if both of us were the same, there'd be little use for one of us.

[Jim Daly]

Okay, well, some opposites may have that

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

thought, but opposites do Attract. I mean, as a baby of the family, I can tell you I married Mrs. Uppington.

[Jim Daly]

And where is she?

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

Mrs. Uppington, of course, is my pet name for my firstborn wife who loves restaurants with four and five forks. There's a right way to do things. She was color coordinated at birth, I believe. But you know, I can still remember as a young husband to be standing at that aisle as she walked down the flower strewn aisle. We spent $29 for flowers on our wedding. It was a big affair. And I remember looking at her little daisy. She had to this day, she hates daisies. But I didn't realize that underneath that bouquet was a rule book. And firstborns tend to be the rule makers. Firstborns are good at spotting flaws. That's why they're good engineers and good accountants, astronauts in outer space. Of the first 23, 21 firstborns, 2 only children. Not a middle or a baby in sight. So here I am, baby of the family. Now, I knew nothing about birth order at that point. Very, very little. But I didn't realize that what happens in marriage is that when two people marry, it's not two, it's at least six.

[Jim Daly]

How do you get that man?

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

Because you marry your in laws and you either reap the benefit of what happened in that family or you pay for it. So it's not only your bride or your groom's birth order, but what kind of family did they come out of? Was there a critical eyed parent there? Now, we talked about age gaps, gender. We didn't mention physical handicaps or mental handicaps. But that's part of the variables. But, but put a critical eye, and that means a person who can spot a flaw at 50 paces in the marriage and you got trouble because they're going to be a flaw picker. That person is going to feel like they're loved. Women in particular who thrive on affection, need to know that their husband has their back at every moment of their life. Okay. And many of us, as men who aren't great wordsmiths but were great critics, can take the spirit of a woman and just level it with just a word or a look.

[Jim Daly]

That's a majority of the relational component, isn't it?

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

It is how you describe that. I wrote a book called Smart Women Know when to say no. And it contrasts the controlling male and the pleasing female. It's a very neurotic relationship. And like a moth to a flame, these people find each other out. So there's opposites that attract, that aren't good Healthy marriages, because one person does all the controlling and the other is beaten over the head like a baby seal.

[Jim Daly]

Let me ask you this. Some people are listening, thinking, okay, this sounds good. This sounds psychological, and I get it. Where is God in this whole thing? Why did he design us like this? There's only so many emotions that we can feel. There's only so many attributes that we have. There's only, only so many positions in birth order that you can be. And he puts that all together and then you're attracted to your spouse. And yet in most marriages, you have to learn to be selfless. Is it fair to say that if you put Christ at the center of your relationship, he can smooth out some of those rough edges?

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

Well, that's what you hear all over the Christian kingdom. It just put Christ at the center of your life. The problem is, if you've married a woman who came out of a very dysfunctional family, who didn't have a loving father, number one, she's got all kinds of issues with God because she takes

[Jim Daly]

a lot of sandpaper.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

She doesn't even see God as the loving father. She sees him as the critical eyed person. She runs on guilt. Now, I know I'm stepping on some toes when I say these words, believe me, but we tend to, in the kingdom of God come up with these little platitudes. And so, yes, you want to rely on God for all things. If anything is going to overcome this great dysfunction in a family, it's the love of Jesus Christ in one's life. What I've learned is it takes people sometimes decades to get to that point where they really understand that the sin I'm going to commit next week, you know what, Jim and John, it's already forgiven. See, Jesus came to this earth to put an end to religion, to put an end to religion, not start a religion. You know, it's all about a relationship. So, yeah, I mean, I can tell you I don't know how people make it without God in marriage, if that's the question. I know people do, but I don't know how they do it.

[Jim Daly]

Kevin, let's get practical. Let's talk about those combinations and put some meat on the bones of what we've talked about. Two firstborns who marry, is that typical? What percentage of the population would that represent?

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

Not typical? We tend to. Now I'm speaking in generality, we tend to marry outside of our birth order. And that's a good thing because simply marrying outside of your birth order increases the probability of success in Marriage.

[Jim Daly]

So opposites attract really does help.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

Oh, they do? Yeah. Now, when you have firstborns and firstborns together, they spend a lifetime, it seems like shoulding on each other. You should do this, you should do that. They're the great improvers, okay? They see something that's out of place and they immediately go over and straighten it up.

[Jim Daly]

So what are some tools that you would recommend that they could do it better?

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

Well, the division of labor is really important. I'm going to take care of this and you take care of that. We'll report back in trade notes. I always tell women at my seminars, where are the firstborn women? And I see all these hands go up. I got a great suggestion for you. Have a wallpaper party and just invite your firstborn girlfriends to help you wallpaper a room. And here's my. By 11 o' clock in the morning, you'll have blood on the floor. Why? Because you have all these people who know exactly how life ought to be. So you're a firstborn and you're talking to your firstborn wife, okay? Now, lots of times you might just say, all right, listen, this is what we're going to do. Bingo. The hairs go up. I mean, the ears are back. Hey, honey, I'd like to ask your opinion about something that I've really been struggling with. Now, the ears are open, the heart's open. You're on the right track. So when you say, put some meat on the bone here for us, those are the kinds of things you learn to say to your bride or to your groom.

[Jim Daly]

Well, there's so many combinations, Kevin, and we can't cover them all. But let's go through a couple of more. Let's talk about firstborn and middleborn.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

Pretty good match. Why? Because middle children never had their way at anything. No one ever said to a middle child. Honey, what do you think we should do? They were submerged by the firstborn. Little Miss Bossy, Little Miss Goody Two Shoes, or Mr. Great Student in School. And little Snooki, the baby of the family that got away with murder. So middle children are a little bit like going down to the blood bank and finding the universal donor, because they go with about everything. A middle child is a good match for a baby. A middle child is a good match, a great match for either an only or a firstborn. They add balance in a very natural way. They never had mom and dad to themselves. They negotiated for everything they ever had in life and they're comfortable with it. So that's a good skill. To bring into marriage. So hooray for the middle children.

[Jim Daly]

They're the ones that keep peace, right?

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

They're the peacemakers. They are.

[Jim Daly]

Let's talk about the other combo, the oldest and the youngest.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

Well, that's a naturally good combination. It really is. Firstborn and baby and only born and baby are very good. I remember coming home from CBS television in New York and I said to Mrs. Uppington, I said, hey, you never said if you liked my spot or not. And she said, oh, you were good. Ouch.

[Jim Daly]

That communicates a message.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

Oh, yeah, that's what you call a spit in your soup, by the way. Oh, you were good. So that just sets me up to say, all right, what's the problem? And this is a quote. This is so embarrassing to say. She says, did you have to blow your nose in your tie? Really?

[Jim Daly]

Oh, my goodness.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

She says, people read your books, they look up to you, you're a respected psychologist, and there you are blowing your knows in front of Harry Smith at cbs. I said, well, honey, and I explained to her, I said, the floor director was giving us the rap, okay, I know Harry did not see that signal. And so Harry went to ask a question. In fact, we were talking about birth order that day. He said, Dr. Lima, we never got to your birth order. What's your birth order? Well, the guy's counting down with fingers, you know, I mean, you've got 10 seconds. So I took my tie and feigned that I was blowing my nose in it to communicate that a baby of the family would do anything for a cheap laugh. Well, Mrs. Uppington did not appreciate her husband's humor, let's just put it that way. But she straightened me up lots of times. But I would tell you in reverse that a Saturday night dinner at our house starts on Thursday. And I'm the one that helps lighten her up with things because she takes things way too seriously, okay? And she needs me to put it bluntly. And I think that's the message with the firstborn and the baby, that we really need each other because the firstborn can be too perfectionistic. And remember, perfection is slow suicide.

[Jim Daly]

So let's also include some of those things we talked about, firstborns who marry, and some things they can do intentionally to communicate better. Talk the other birth combos. How does a last born and a middle child in a marriage, how do they communicate better?

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

Well, last borns have to understand one thing, that they're not the only person in the union. And I'm here to tell you that's what us babies are good at. There's times I'm ashamed of how I think, ashamed of how I act because it's so easy as a baby to think about only yourself.

[Jim Daly]

Center of the universe.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

We practice what we call natural tithing in the Lehman family, which means if we see a need in someone's life, we can help meet that need. We do that. That's really good therapy for me just to give things to people without anything coming back. And I think babies in particular have a harder time being a good husband or a good wife because they tend to be by their nature too self centered and you have to be other people centered. Middle children are great at other people centered. And that's why I mentioned earlier. Middle children are tremendously loyal. They have friends outside of the family, which is key. Outside of the family. Usually if there's a kid that's ostracized in some way from the rest of the family, your best guess is it's that middle child. So you learn to communicate like a youngest to a middle. No one ever asks a middle child, what do you think? So you always want to be making sure that you're tapping into the feelings and ideas and concerns that your middle child spouse has. On the other hand, as a middle child, you have to understand this spouse needs a few fish thrown their way like you throw a few fish to a seal. Arf.

[Jim Daly]

Arf.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

And us little babies need strokes.

[Jim Daly]

Kevin, that is good advice. Let me ask you this. So many young people are waiting to get married. So we have more 20 something singles and 30 something singles. They'll hear this too. Thankfully they're listening to Focus on the Family and I'm grateful for that. How did they apply that? I would think a firstborn applying what they've heard in the broadcast could take a real technical approach and begin their search for a spouse. And that could be the topic of discussion.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

Where's your birth order? Listen, that is such a good question for all of you who are looking for Mr. Or Mrs. Right. Listen to what this old man has to say. This one ought to get right to the heart of the matter. Does this person love God? If a person really loves God, if they really love God, they're going to do what the Bible tells them to do and they're going to be a good husband and good wife. You're already on first base. Now, does this person you're marrying have a temper? Uh oh, yellow flag big time. Now why would I pick on temper? Because temper equals control. And that's why I say to all you parents who are listening, you got kids who, when they lose, they throw temper tantrums and stuff. You better deal with that stuff right up straight right now, quickly. And so it really gets back to, does he love God? Does she love God? Does this person have a temper? And what's the relationship like between this woman you're going to marry and her father? Well, he was abusive. Well, get ready for a long road, a tough road in that marriage. Okay?

[Jim Daly]

But understand it.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

You have to understand it. Yes, but it's like making a cake, Jim. In one of my books, I talk about Daddy Attention Deficit Disorder. And it's like making a cake. If you make a. I'm not much of a cake maker, for sure. But if you make a cake and you leave out one major ingredient, I got news for you. The cake is going to fall. It's not going to be a good cake. Now, again, I'm stepping on a lot of toes here because there's a lot of women and men who have grown up in a home where the critical eye reigned. And you were put down, you were discouraged, you weren't encouraged, you were just hammered. In fact, in many cases, you were at least verbally abused, but sometimes physically abused. Think of the kind of husband you need to have. You want to pray for something? Pray for a husband that's near superhuman because he's got to come around and just love you. He's a guy that needs not ever demand anything from you and just to accept you so that you have a chance at loving this husband that you've fallen in love with. I mean, we come broken. And when you reach for imperfection and understand how broken you are, and I need this man, I need this woman in my life. That's the point where you have the intimate connection to realize that this person loves you, whether you have morning breath that could kill a cockroach at four and a half feet or whether you have a habit that drives you up the wall. I mean, that's what's great about just being thoroughly married and thoroughly connected.

[Jim Daly]

That's what's so wonderful. We have to, especially, again, I would say to the Christian community, we have to celebrate our differences and understand how to deal with the noise and the pain of being different. So, Dr. Kevin Lehman, author of the book the Birth Order Book, we're grateful to have you here. Thank you for being with us.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

Oh, my pleasure. Thanks.

[John Fuller]

And that was Dr. Kevin Leeman here on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and his insights about your birth order and Your family of origin really are so fascinating. They can help you as a couple really grow stronger together.

[Jim Daly]

Talk about the power of observation, man. He had that observation, and it is so accurate. It's amazing. You know, it's just finding that thing that God does in our lives, right? And birth order plays a role in how we develop. I know a Jean in me. She's a number five out of six, while I'm number four, five out of five, but she's the last daughter. But she definitely acts like that middle child, negotiator, peacemaker. You know, she's the one that is always trying to bring consensus and peace to the family. It fits. And my spontaneity drives her crazy, man. I learned early, although I still make mistakes at this, but I learned early not to just say, hey, let's go to a concert tonight. It blows her mind. Like, how could we do that? I got to do this and I got to do that. Okay, well, let's not do that. But. But I need to respect that and I need to honor the fact that she processes those things differently. Here at Focus on the Family, we care about you and your marriage. We want your relationship with your spouse to be thriving along with your relationship with Christ. And that is why we do what we do.

[John Fuller]

Indeed. And that's one reason our marriage team created the Marriage Assessment, which is a free online tool for you. It's a little quiz. You take maybe 10 minutes of your time, you'll get immediate results that show where your wins are happening in your marriage and maybe a place or two that needs a little bit of work. Great conversation starter. It's the Marriage Assessment.

[Jim Daly]

Another great place to start is to get a copy of the Birth order book by Dr. Kevin Leeman. It's packed with solid insights and wisdom like you heard today. When you make a monthly pledge today of any amount, we'll send you a copy of the birth order book as our way of saying thanks for standing with families just like yours. Let me share this message we received from Mindy. Share, she wrote. My husband and I have supported Focus on the Family for years, but we never imagined God would use one of your broadcasts to help save our marriage. On the day we separated, we heard a program that gave us hope, and three months later, we were reunited. Today, God is restoring our relationship, and we're so thankful for the way he worked through your ministry.

[John Fuller]

That is so encouraging.

[Jim Daly]

It is. And I'm so proud of the different teams here at Focus on the Family who put out content to help couples and parents with a whole host of situations and the team that takes the calls and offers direct help and our counselors of course. This kind of family ministry takes many hands and Mindy, none of it would be possible without generous friends just like you. We're so grateful for the support that keeps us going and I hope Mindy's example will inspire you to join our support team as well. Do ministry through Focus on the Family. It accrues in the Kingdom account to you, not to us. And we need 1200 more monthly partners. We'd love to hit that number when you commit to that monthly pledge. And no amount is too small. Families like Mindy's receive trusted marriage and parenting resources, Christ centered encouragement and life changing broadcasts each and every day. So please consider being one of those 1200 to help strengthen families like yours all year long.

[John Fuller]

Right. And if a monthly pledge isn't possible right now, we understand your one time gift of any amount goes a long way and we'll send you a copy of Dr. Lehman's book to say thank you as well. Donate today. Get your copy of the birth order book when you call 800 the letter A in the word family or look for details in the show notes and plan to join us next time. We'll have practical advice from one moment about how to prioritize your family.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

And I think it starts a lot of times with the marriage and just allowing seeds of discontentment or you know, just being distant or whatever to tear down the house on your own. I think the biggest threat to families comes not from the outside, but maybe from the inside.

[John Fuller]

Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

[Jim Daly]

Davonna grew up in a dysfunctional family filled with abuse, but we gave her hope.

[Dr. Kevin Lehman]

I support Focus on the Family because I hope others will be impacted and grow in Christ just as I have that they will see healing in their path and what they can do for their future.

[Jim Daly]

I'm Jim Daly. Let's transform our nation one family at a time with your monthly [e-mail] joy.