Understanding Your Middle Schooler (Part 2 of 2)

Summary

Podcast Summary

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Episode Overview

Podcast: Focus on the Family with Jim Daly
Episode: Understanding Your Middle Schooler (Part 2 of 2)
Date: August 5, 2026
Guests: Cynthia Tobias & Sue Acuna, former teachers and authors of Middle School: The Inside Story

This episode demystifies the often confusing and high-pressure world of middle schoolers, providing practical Christian-based parenting advice. Hosts Jim Daly and John Fuller facilitate a discussion with Cynthia Tobias and Sue Acuna, focusing on communication strategies, recognizing emotional red flags, navigating social and developmental challenges, and fostering healthy parent-child relationships during these pivotal years.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

A. Communication Strategies with Middle Schoolers

• Parents Feel Alienated: Many feel like their child is "from Mars" ([02:35]).
• Carpooling as Intel Gathering:

  “Volunteer to be the carpool driver and then don't say anything, don't react... pretty soon everybody forgets you're there and you find out a whole lot of stuff.” — Sue Acuna ([03:06])

• Shift from Director to Manager:

  “You're moving from parent to manager... in middle school, it really becomes more a management.” — Cynthia Tobias ([04:19])

• Empathy Over Instruction:
  • When kids complain about homework, respond with empathy (“That’s a bummer. Do you need a snack first?”) instead of commands ([05:04-05:40]).
  • Model empathy since kids mimic how parents handle stress and frustration.

B. Common Parental Mistakes

• List of communication pitfalls: Interrupting, downplaying feelings, yelling, using 'always' or 'never,' not listening, belittling, being judgmental, problem-solving for them, sarcasm ([05:54]).
• The tension stems from parents still seeing middle schoolers as little kids, while they feel grown-up inside ([06:45]).
• Parental influence remains strong but must be adapted for developmental growth ([06:56], [22:34]).

C. Managing Developmental and Social Stress

• Physical Changes & Comparison:
  • Kids dread PE or changing bodies; parents should normalize growth differences and share their own childhood awkwardness ([07:47-08:49]).
  • Avoid negative body comments; be careful with self-deprecating remarks about appearance ([09:42-09:56]).
• Self-Image in Girls:
  • Encourage practical, age-appropriate self-care (colors, comfortable styles)—not body-obsession ([09:09]).
• Homework Battles:
  • Address the “What’s the point?” question. Sometimes, flexibility in homework routines can keep a gifted child engaged ([10:48-12:31]).

D. Spotting Emotional and Behavioral Red Flags

• Depression and Eating Disorders:
  • Withdrawal, ongoing silence, changes in eating or wearing baggy clothes can signal trouble ([13:56]).
  • “For parents today, a lot of times that means coming off your phone and really taking a look at your kid and see what’s going on.” — Cynthia Tobias ([14:39])
  • Avoid all weight comments; it's a major cultural shift ([14:51]).
• Cyberbullying and Social Media:
  • Open conversations—ask about friends’ experiences, not just their own ([15:44]).
  • Strict rules for device use: “You wouldn’t let a stranger show up at your door... but she could absolutely do that on her phone.” — Cynthia Tobias ([16:18]).
  • Middle schoolers may not perceive suicide as permanent—parents must talk directly about consequences, faith, and hope ([16:29-17:08]).

E. Discipleship and Faith Anchoring

• Living Faith through Example:
  • Family devotions after supper served as an unmovable anchor for Sue’s family ([18:05]), highlighting the importance of routine spiritual engagement, even when kids act distant.
• Affection Still Matters:
  • Even “cool” distancing teens crave appropriate physical touch (e.g., sitting next to them, slight contact) ([18:05]).
• Gradual Parenting Shift:
  • Elementary: Direct instruction.
  • Middle school: Manager/check-in.
  • High school: Independence, but with support as a safety net ([19:47]).

F. Modeling and Mindset Shifts for Parents

• Don’t Aim to Be ‘Cool’:
  • Kids respect structure and authentic adulthood, not efforts to mimic them ([21:21-21:57]).
• Parent Influence Remains Central:
  • “Barna research and others say that my parents’ influence is what’s most important to me…kids believe the most important relationship in their life is their parents still, even through high school.” — Jim Daly ([21:57])
• Admit Mistakes and Seek Reconciliation:
  • If you've erred, own it: “I think maybe I've been a little too bossy... What’s one thing you would like me to do differently?” — Cynthia Tobias ([24:27])
  • Teach children to say “ouch” if a parent’s words hurt, and use that as a reset for communication ([25:02-25:20]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Empathy vs. Command:

  “It’s the same thing I want my husband to say... I want him to have some empathy and say, ‘That’s a bummer. Do you need a snack first?’” — Cynthia Tobias ([05:22])

• On Changing Roles:

  “Work yourself out of a job. Give them some independence, let them try it. Be there when it goes wrong.” — Cynthia Tobias ([19:47])

• Admitting Parental Mistakes:

  “Admit it. Admit it to your child...” — Cynthia Tobias ([24:27])

• Reset Tool:

  “If I say something that's really off... just say, ‘ouch.’” — Sue Acuna ([25:02])

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Important Timestamps

• [03:06] – Carpooling as an information-gathering tool
• [05:04–05:40] – Using empathy vs. instruction for homework complaints
• [05:54] – Common parental communication mistakes
• [07:47–09:09] – Navigating physical changes, self-image, and parental modeling
• [10:48–12:31] – Battles over homework; adapting to learning styles
• [13:56–14:51] – Red flags: depression, eating disorders, and monitoring for signs
• [15:44–16:29] – Addressing cyberbullying, suicide risk, social media boundaries
• [18:05] – Anchoring kids in faith; maintaining connection via devotions and physical presence
• [19:47] – Evolution of parental roles from elementary through high school
• [21:21–21:57] – Being a true adult vs. trying to be a 'cool' parent
• [22:34] – Parental influence remains the most important relationship
• [24:27–25:20] – Admitting parenting mistakes and repairing relationships

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Final Takeaways

• Middle school is a time of enormous change. Parents must evolve from directorial roles to supportive, managerial relationships while maintaining clear boundaries.
• Empathy and active listening are key—acknowledge your child’s struggles and validate their feelings before offering solutions.
• Stay watchful for signs of deeper issues such as depression or eating disorders. Proactive, non-judgmental conversations are vital.
• Parental influence remains profound—even if kids act distant, their core anchors are still the adults at home.
• Don’t strive for ‘cool’; strive for authenticity and guidance. Your job is to model mature, grounded adulthood, not friendship.
• Own your mistakes. Repair is possible and powerful when parents acknowledge shortcomings and ask how they can do better, fostering real trust.

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Book Recommendation: Middle School: The Inside Story – What Kids Tell Us But Don't Tell You by Cynthia Tobias and Sue Acuna. (Get it via Focus on the Family).
Takeaway Resource: Seven Traits of Effective Parenting Assessment – a free tool to help parents grow in specific areas.

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This episode delivers practical hope, refreshingly honest dialogue, and deep spiritual grounding for families navigating the turbulent middle school years.

Transcript

[Sue Acuna]

Pastors, if you're struggling to help couples in your church whose marriage is in trouble, we can help. Marriage911 by Focus on the Family trains laypeople to mentor married couples. Each kit includes two training guides, four workbooks, and all the training necessary to meet with couples who need help. Go to marriage911.com that's marriage. The numbers911.com.

[John Fuller]

Well, let those sounds bring back some memories, if you will. Maybe fumbling to get your locker open, maybe you're scrambling to get to class or you're trying to find the right seat at the table during lunch. It's a tough season to go back to, oh, I don't know, seventh, eighth, ninth grade. There was so much that we experienced then. And school for today's kids is really hard during this time. And everything is new and intimidating and just seems like it's on steroids for middle schoolers. Today's guests on FOCUS on the FAMILY with Jim Daly are former teachers and authors Sue Acuna and Cynthia Tobias. And they're going to equip you to understand and support your middle school child through all the pressures they're facing.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. Yesterday we talked about the physical and emotional changes middle schoolers go through and some crucial conversations to have with them. It is a normal time to back up as a parent because you're trying to give them space. But I think middle schoolers, what we heard yesterday is to lean in, make sure they feel listened to, heard that you have good dialogue with them, that things are open and honest and that you don't have all the answers, that you really need to hear your kids and respect them. If you missed it last time, get the app, download it, listen in with us. There was so much good content last time. And, you know, here at Focus on the Family, we're here to help you through that journey. That's why we published this book, Middle School the Inside Story. Here's the great part that Cynthia and Sue, the byline, which is what kids tell us but don't tell you, they did a bunch of research. They're both schoolteachers. They went out, talked to students. Where are they at? What are they feeling? What are they sensing? And we're going to cover the other part of that today. Sue and Cynthia, welcome back to FOCUS on THE family. Good to have you again.

[Sue Acuna]

Good to be here. Thank you.

[Jim Daly]

Well, let's get rolling. I mean, I think we piqued the interest last time. I remember those middle school years and they were just so unique. Let me say it that way. Cynthia, what are some tips for parents who are trying to communicate with middle schoolers? I've heard parents describe it like I'm from Earth and my middle schooler is from Mars. It's like we're talking a different language. We don't really connect. We don't communicate. So how do we, as the adult, do a better job in creating a way for that to happen in a healthier direction?

[Sue Acuna]

One of my favorite stories that they told us, and I think we were both a little bit surprised, but we said, you know, your parents worry that they don't know what's going on in your life and they're not sure who your friends are, and you don't want to talk to them, you don't want to tell them what it is. And one honest middle schooler said, well, if you really want the tip, he said, volunteer to be the carpool driver and then don't say anything, don't react, don't say anything, and pretty soon everybody forgets you're there and you find out a whole lot of stuff and don't react to it. And we found out that that really works.

[Jim Daly]

Well, how can it not work? But, you know, some of the parents, let's face it, we all have temperaments. I can just envision a parent, mom or dad, who feels this burden to correct, to teach, to admonish. I mean, it's part of what we do. And you're telling me not to say a word, Cynthia, how do I do that? How do you catch yourself as the adult and frame that emotional moment to say, okay, bite your tongue, bite your tongue, bite your tongue. Especially if that's hard for you.

[Sue Acuna]

Well, sure, but sue makes a good point. And when she tells her parents, look, your moving from parent to manager, in some ways, you used to do all the telling, what you wear, where you go. But when you get into middle school, it really becomes more a management.

[Jim Daly]

You talk in the book about these moments of, I don't know, reflection, but one is where you recommend a parent respond appropriately if their child complains about the amount of homework they have. What child does not complain? I mean, I'm thinking that's every parent. So when that child complains, I've got so much homework to do tonight, what's a good thing to say as the parent?

[Cynthia Tobias]

Oh, I remember that feeling. Or which is empathy. Right. And I just preach empathy.

[Jim Daly]

As opposed to what?

[Cynthia Tobias]

As opposed to, well, you better get started. Yeah.

[Jim Daly]

You gonna do that before dinner?

[Cynthia Tobias]

Yeah. Or. Right, you better do that before you go out.

[Sue Acuna]

Well, it's gotta get done. You don't have a choice if you want to get that grade.

[Cynthia Tobias]

It's the same thing I want my husband to say if I come home and say, do you have a lot of work tonight? I want him to say, well, you better do it now. I want him to say, that's a

[Jim Daly]

great tonal quality to run it through.

[Cynthia Tobias]

I want him to have some empathy and say, that's a bummer. Do you need a snack first? Can I get you something, boy? 13 people appreciate that too.

[Jim Daly]

Tone. Yeah. One is far more encouraging, the other more directive, commanding, demanding.

[Cynthia Tobias]

Right. And one communicates understanding.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, boy, that's good.

[Sue Acuna]

And you're trying to model that so that that's how they'll pick up, how to treat others.

[Jim Daly]

Okay, Cynthia, here's the bomb question. What are the most common mistakes parents tend to make in communicating with their middle schoolers? And you have a list. I got it in front of me. Let me hit it. And you can respond. Interrupting, downplaying feelings, yelling, using always and never, not really listening, belittling in front of others, being judgmental, solving their problems, being sarcastic. Let me check, check, check. Okay. Yep, I think I did all of those. And I thought I was a pretty good parent. But this is convicting.

[Cynthia Tobias]

And we've spent a lot of years making sure they're happy. And it's hard to give up that feeling of, I need to make you happy all the time. And they don't want that. They don't want you to solve their problems. They want you to understand what they're

[Jim Daly]

going through and hopefully a wise spouse. You're not saying, yeah, every time she does this, she breaks a glass. I mean, that's not the way we speak in marriage.

[Cynthia Tobias]

They're very much responding like adults. And I think that's where the tension comes with parents and middle schoolers is they're still thinking of them five year olds and they're feeling very much like adults. Middle schoolers are inside.

[Jim Daly]

Well, and I think that's probably the biggest aha. Of this whole program today and last time is just start. You have to start treating them like adults. Right. And it's time. And that's the best outcome you could have. How can parents sue. I'll aim this at you. How can parents help erase the stress of kids who are nervous about the transition from elementary school to junior high school? I mean, boys, let's put this in a boys context. And girls, the frightening thing going from sixth grade to seventh grade is PE because now you're getting Dressed. You're putting on certain garments in P.E. you're going out. I mean, I remember one of my first experiences going from junior high to high school. And this guy, as an experiment of his, I'm standing behind him and Glenn was his name. And he's a friend and he's a believer now. He wasn't then. Thank you, Glenn. But he was standing in front of me and he was a grade ahead of me. And he was a swimmer. He. He had muscles where I had no muscles. And he turned as he was talking to another guy and punched me right in the sternum. And it cracked my sternum. And it was so out. Like, why did you just do that? And he continues to talk to the guy going, see, he's a freshman. He hasn't filled out yet. Like we have. We're more filled out. I was like, just his hanging skeleton there. But that's the kind of thing you dread as a boy, is now you're the object of a science experiment at PE class about how you're not as developed as the other guy.

[Cynthia Tobias]

And I think it's good for dads to say, this is what I looked like in sixth grade, but look what I look like in 10th grade. Lilo. I mean, that's not bad advice, especially if you're a lower classman. Lie low. But it does get better. Or find even pictures of professional athletes. Here's what they look like at 13. Here's what they look like at 20. Hang in there, we'll get better. I think that's a huge message for middle schoolers, especially junior high.

[Jim Daly]

You're not always gonna look like this. And this is part of the growth process. And some boys are gonna be bigger. Now explain, like the girls. I'll let you explain that because there's a lot going on for them. Other girls are developing more quickly, it's obvious. And they're feeling like, am I ever gonna get there? And, you know, just describe what girls are dealing with.

[Cynthia Tobias]

And I think the first thing always is, I remember that. I remember that feeling. Looking around. Your bodies aren't the same as everybody else. Wait it out. And even maybe, you know, it's not too young to talk about some kind of a simple, age appropriate makeover. Let's talk about what good colors are for you. Something that's really innocuous as opposed to emphasizing your body shape or something. But what are colors that look good on you? What are lengths that look good on you? Are you more comfortable in skirts or pants? But they're going to be Constantly comparing themselves to everybody else.

[Jim Daly]

How much of that are we demonstrating or illustrating for our kids? You know, how much time do we spend in front of the mirror getting our makeup on?

[Cynthia Tobias]

And how many comments do we make? I wish I could lose £50. I would look so much better. So watch what you say.

[Sue Acuna]

Yeah, good point.

[Jim Daly]

That's so true. Cynthia, we mentioned homework, but let's bring this back. I remember Trent and I, we had such. And Gene, Trent and I, such a battle because he was really bright. He's finishing his master's in biochemistry. He wants to go on for a PhD in neuro research. But in high school, it's like, I already get A's on the test. Why do I need to do the homework? And we would say, well, 50% of your grade is based on the homework being completed. I know, but I'm good with a C and I know the concepts and it's kind of boring to do the homework. We battled that all along. Then he got to college, knocked out of the park. I mean, he's up there at like a 3.95 all the way through. So, like, he knew his desires and knew what he needed to do, and it was hard to budge him. I would say we struggled all the way through to senior year.

[Sue Acuna]

Well, you know, the important question is, what's the point? Right? That is what's the point? But teachers, they don't go along with that because a lot of times, well, the point is you have to get this and this and this and this in order to get your grades. That's very frustrating to a kid who says, why should I have to do 25 practice problems when I already know I'm going to get an A on the test? And it's a true question and it's a legitimate question. And there's no real good, solid answer other than we need to change some things. I can remember working with king schools once and a gal who was really, really sharp. Fifth grade, sixth grade in that middle school area. She already knew she was going to go to Bryn Mawr and she was going to do all these things. She was just shar. And one day she was especially sharp in math. But one day she just told the teacher, I'm not going to do the homework. And he says, you can't get an A if you don't do the homework right. I don't care. He said, it's going to ruin your whole grade point average. I don't care. I don't understand why I have to do this. And so he the teacher and I talked and I said, well, what if you asked her? What if you just tried it and said, how about you do as many answers, as many questions on the homework as you think you need to do in order to prove that you're going to get an A on the test

[Jim Daly]

and then that's good.

[Sue Acuna]

And if she gets a night, she promises to get a 95% or higher on the test or go back and do more of those problems. And he said, well, but they tried it. And sometimes she did 30 problems and sometimes she did three. But he said she got an A.

[Jim Daly]

And it does show. You need some insight into your child and their learning styles. And that's a whole other book that you wrote, how your kids learn. And you know, that's so important as well.

[John Fuller]

Well, this is focused on the Family with Jim Daley. And our guests today are Cynthia Tobias and Sue Acuna, and they've collaborated on a book that is essential if you have kids who are approaching the teen years, if they're preteens, Middle School, the Inside story, what kids tell us but don't tell. Get a copy from us here at the ministry. And when you're online doing that, be sure to take our free parenting assessment, which helps you understand where you're at in your parenting journey. And maybe some things that you can work on. These and other resources are going to be linked in the show notes.

[Jim Daly]

Cynthia, let me ask you some of the red flags we should be aware of when our kids are going into junior high and their time in junior high, because emotionally, intellectually, things can change because of the environmental pressure on a child. An extroverted child can become quite sullen and withdrawn if there's things going on that we don't even know. So what are some of those red flags we need to pay attention to?

[Sue Acuna]

This is where I really learned a lot from sue. Because I was teaching high school, I was used to dealing with high school kids who've kind of passed some of those marks. But sue has a really good handle of it, and I learned a lot.

[Jim Daly]

Well, sue, fill it in.

[Cynthia Tobias]

I think two things parents really learned about are depression and eating disorders. So things I watch for would be kids who withdraw more than usual. Kids want their own space. But if they're constantly alone and they won't answer your questions, what's going on? Nothing. I don't want to talk about it. That's a concern. If it keeps happening. I mean, maybe they're having a bad day. But if this is going on for weeks and you can see their eating habits have changed, maybe they're not eating at all. Then you know something's really wrong. One sure sign of an eating disorder is like wearing big baggy clothes or taking little nibbly bites. You have to be aware. And for parents today, a lot of times that means coming off your phone and really taking a look at your kid and see what's going on and

[Jim Daly]

being engaged, maybe not affirming how skinny they are or even commenting on it, or even commenting.

[Cynthia Tobias]

My daughter in law has taught me, make no comments about your weight or anybody else's weight. Just don't even make it a topic.

[Jim Daly]

Wow, that's good.

[Cynthia Tobias]

That's really different from how we grew up, huh?

[Jim Daly]

You know, one of the things that again with social media is new and I'm not sure we as parents know how to manage this well, and we're hearing more about it and it puts a lot of fear into us as parents is kids that are taken into a friend group and then they're bullied. And then even, you know, where comments are made, you should just kill yourself. And you know, a handful of kids have done it and it gets into the news. Obviously it's horrible. But how do you have that kind of a discussion with your daughter or your son about what can occur in that cyber world and the pain in it and the viciousness of it? I mean, we don't want to heap a bunch of anxiety under our children, but how do we manage that?

[Cynthia Tobias]

Odds are pretty good that they know someone who has already gone through this. And that would be a good, more neutral question to ask. Hey, do you know any of your friends who have been bullied online or who are really depressed about it? And then they can start talking about it, which gives you a chance to talk about what we should do if that ever happens to you. And like I said, it's hard to admit that you're being bullied, but even to come and say, I don't like what this person is saying. But also, parents need to monitor phone use. This is one of the hardest things for parents is to not let them take their phone, their smartwatch, their iPad, into the bedroom. Without some rules and some limitations, you wouldn't let a stranger show up at your door, say, I want to go talk to your daughter in her bedroom. You wouldn't let that happen, but she could absolutely do that on her phone.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah.

[Sue Acuna]

And one of the things about suicide, the discoveries I made, both as being a police officer, but then also with the kids a lot of times at that Age. They don't think it's actually permanent. They think they're going to kill themselves and everybody will be sorry, and then they'll come back and everything will be okay because. And I was blown away by that. But there is that mentality out there. If you haven't, as a parent, talked to them and established that relationship, especially with Christ and with eternity and, you know, they may just decide, well, I'll just kill myself and they'll be sorry, and then I'll come back when I feel like it.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. I mean, building up that plan and purpose. This is a good place to mention our counseling department. So, I mean, this is a very serious topic, but it is present, and we wanted to make sure we at least touch on that. So if you're struggling in any area of the parenting journey, especially around the middle school years, but any form or shape in your parenting, give us a call. We have free counselors. They'll talk with you for 30 to 60 minutes and give you some perspective. They may even refer to a counselor in your area that you could pick up the discussion with. So know that that's here. That's part of what donors fund at Focus on the Family. Take advantage of it to make sure that you have some perspective. Let me throw this question out here. Discipling. Your children can look very different at different stages. I mean, you know, elementary school, you got the little book and you're trying to do things. What does middle school discipleship look like within the family?

[Sue Acuna]

You model it. This is where it's really important. I know. Growing up, my sister and I, we had suppertime. After supper, we always had a devotional book in the scripture when we prayed. My dad was adamant about that. And when we went through the. Even the real awkward time, that was an anchor. And that's really important. The other thing that I found was interesting. Sue talked about, you know, when parents, the middle schoolers, pull away and they don't want to have hugs and they don't want to have all that kid stuff. Kid stuff, she said. But they still do desperately want the touch and need the touch. So you can sometimes sit on the couch and just let your leg sort of touch theirs and nobody says anything. No big deal. But it's still a connection that says, I see you, I love you. I'm not gonna bug you, but you're still really important to me.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah. Speak to a minute. Kind of broadly to the elementary parenting, the middle school parenting, and the high school parenting. Parenting, you guys, you know, you taught, I think, two of those with Cynthia, you with high school teaching, sue with junior high. So when you're. We've kind of touched on it, but really to be black and white for parents, maybe they have their kids in elementary school right now. What does that look like? As they move through very concrete things like in junior high, your parenting needs to shift. You've touched on it. But here at the end, I want to make sure parents are grabbing it so that they understand high school is yet another kind of distancing to allow them independence, making good decisions, etc. So go for it. Sue.

[Cynthia Tobias]

Yesterday Cynthia mentioned that you want to become more of a manager. So imagine you're training a new employee. Elementary school, you've got to tell them everything. They don't know anything. Middle school, junior high, they're starting to get it. You can kind of check in with them. We'll have some guidelines. High school, you've got to let them try it on their own. But you're still there as their fail safe if something goes wrong. So you've got to slowly back away. Like we said, work yourself out of a job. Give them some independence, Let them try it. Be there when it goes wrong.

[Jim Daly]

Be there to hold them together again. This gives you structure in how to think about doing this. So it's not just emotional, it's not flippant as the parent. Do it because I told you so. I mean that's a terrible thing to say.

[Sue Acuna]

In fact, one of the biggest complaints was they interrupt me and they won't. They get mad if I interrupt them or they're looking at their phone and they're talking to me and I'm starting to tell them something and they just interrupt me and that it's that modeling. The other thing I wanted to say, which is really obvious but really important. Middle schoolers, they need more sleep. Yeah, they have to have sleep. And I, you know, we start school with the bus picking them up at 6am and it's difficult because the lack of sleep affects everything.

[Jim Daly]

And they're growing. I mean that's why they need to sleep. The growth is going on.

[John Fuller]

Yeah. And you know Cynthia, you're mentioning modeling. This has come up a couple of times in the conversation. Just real quick, talk to the parent that thinks my job really is going to be awesome when I'm cool to my kids in middle school, I want

[Jim Daly]

to be the cool versus the parent.

[John Fuller]

Yeah, I want to be the cool parent.

[Jim Daly]

Interesting.

[Sue Acuna]

Well, just again, switch that. Do you think it's cool when your kids act like that? Is that what you really want them to be acting like it doesn't make sense.

[John Fuller]

Okay.

[Cynthia Tobias]

Yeah.

[John Fuller]

So don't try to be cool. Be the adult in the room.

[Sue Acuna]

No, they think you're a dork, you're trying to be cool.

[Cynthia Tobias]

Well, and if you ask them whose parent is cool, oh, so and so's parent, what makes them cool, then you know, and they'll say things like, they know when not to use our language. They understand our language, but they know when not to use it. Or they don't try and dress like us, but they don't dress dorky. Kids will tell you what you need to know to be cool.

[Jim Daly]

Let me ask you this. Even though it might not seem like your junior high or wants to engage you, Barna research and others says that my parents influence is what's most important to me. I mean, it seems like counterintuitive, right? Because they're so connected to friends and culture at that time that they're trying to kind of get through all that. But again, the research is showing us that kids believe the most important relationship in their life is their parents still, even through high school. I mean, most of us are going, what? That doesn't make sense. But it shows you that core connection, doesn't it?

[Cynthia Tobias]

Yeah, I know we're both thinking the same thing here. Our point is they will always need you, but they need you differently.

[Jim Daly]

Not less differently.

[Cynthia Tobias]

Differently. They don't need as much control, they need more understanding. They still need guidance. They absolutely still need your comfort and reassurance.

[Jim Daly]

Yeah, I don't know about everybody watching and listening, but I tend to learn by my mistakes and by other people's mistakes. I mean, I just, I observe that and say, okay, I don't want to repeat that. If I can keep from repeating that. You had a mom come up to you after a seminar. Cynthia. It fits this category for me because she was so frustrated with her rebellious teen daughter. How did that conversation go and what did you say?

[Sue Acuna]

She was ultra frustrated. She said, I just don't understand. My daughter doesn't do anything I say. And I've told her over and over again what she's supposed to do and she doesn't do it. She doesn't do what I tell her to and I am the boss and she won't respect me and she won't do it. She said, I've just about had it. Can you tell me? She said and stopped. See that girl over there standing? I looked and there's this arms folded, sullen girl. She goes, that's my Daughter, can you tell me how to make her love me again? Is there a point in no return? Hopefully not. But you can't make your kids love you again. You can't. You have to earn it. And you have to do a lot of the things we're talking about here, and especially the barking orders, the doing that. It doesn't work.

[Jim Daly]

You know, I want to be mindful of that parent that may be going, oh, my goodness, that's me. That's what I've done. What can they do differently now? After hearing this, they feel that conviction, conviction's a good thing. What can they do? Sue differently now, tonight.

[Cynthia Tobias]

Admit it. Admit it to your child.

[Jim Daly]

What does that sound like? Play that out for me.

[Cynthia Tobias]

I think maybe I've been a little bit too bossy, not giving you enough credit for what you're capable of doing. So if you want me to change one thing, just give me one thing, because I can't completely change myself. But what's one thing you would like me to do differently? And then wait. Parents have a tendency to want to answer their own questions. So they'll say, what can I do differently? Do you want me to do this? Do you want me to do that? Ask the question and wait. And at first they might say nothing. No, I really think there's something. Just wait. Silence is a huge tool for building communication. Just wait.

[Sue Acuna]

And there's one really short word you, you can listen for and make this agreement with your child to say. If I say something that's really off or, you know, just say, ouch. I don't understand why you can't just do what I tell you to do. Ouch.

[Jim Daly]

That's good.

[Sue Acuna]

What, what did I then. Then you get. I didn't mean. I didn't mean it. You know, I just. Let's. Let's do a do over. Yeah, I like that.

[Jim Daly]

Kind of a catch word to say. Okay, this isn't going in a good way. It hurts. I like that. I may use that even with my 20 somethings now. This has been so good. And I want to encourage you that there's more. The book is full of material things we weren't able to touch on. Excellent stuff. Also, we have the seven traits of effective parenting assessment that I'd love to have you take. It's absolutely free. It takes probably about seven to 10 minutes. It'll show you the things that you're doing well and some areas to improve in. There'll be some resources recommended that can help you in those weaker spots. But what a great assessment to be able to do and to be able to know what I need to strengthen my parenting skills in. That's a good thing to do. And of course, picking up the book is another good thing to do. Middle school the inside story what kids tell us but don't tell you. And if you make a gift of any amount, we'll send you the book as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry. You can do that monthly or a one time gift. Also, don't forget, our caring Christian counselors are here to help you. If you're hitting the wall and you've heard this, maybe you feel guilty and you don't know what to do. Now, call our counseling team. They'll set up a time to get back with you and they'll walk you through some additional things you can do in terms of supporting the ministry. Last year alone, we helped 80,000 parents through a crisis. Do you want to be part of that? Why don't we work on hitting 100,000 for next year? So join us in this journey helping parents to build a home that loves the Lord. They love each other. Won't we have a better culture if that's the case, I think the answer is yes.

[John Fuller]

Donate monthly as you can or make a one time gift of any amount. And we'll send the book by Cynthia and Sue called Middle the Inside what Kids Tell Us But Don't Tell you. And then of course, the resources that Jim has mentioned all available at our website and we've got the link in the show notes.

[Jim Daly]

Cynthia and sue, thanks again for being with us. This is so good. I wish I could turn the clock back and be in junior high as a parent again. But you know, you only get that one shot and this is really helpful. Thank you.

[Cynthia Tobias]

Thank you.

[John Fuller]

Well, coming up next time, I wonder if you're ready for storms in your marriage.

[Jim Daly]

Just the way that life works, even for believers, and sometimes I think especially for believers, the storm is going to hit.

[Sue Acuna]

And at that point will your marriage

[Jim Daly]

be part of the problem or part of the solution? And that's why you want to prepare.

[John Fuller]

And thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

[Sue Acuna]

If you're a pastor wanting to save and strengthen marriages in your congregation, we've got a great tool for you. Marriage911 by Focus on the Family trains laypeople to mentor couples and who may be on the verge of divorce or who want to strengthen what they already have. The kit includes two leader guides, four workbooks, and all the training necessary to meet with and mentor men and women who need help. Visit marriage911.com that's marriage the numbers911.com.