Dead Ringers: Ep2. Makerfield Maketh Man

Summary

Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4

Dead Ringers: Ep2. Makerfield Maketh Man

Date: June 26, 2026

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Overview

This episode of Dead Ringers delivers razor-sharp satire of British politics, media, and global current events. The episode is framed around Andy Burnham's (impression) by-election victory in Makerfield, lampooning Labour party politics, BBC output, and public figures including Keir Starmer, Elon Musk, Gary Lineker, Donald Trump, and Kemi Badenoch. Through a parade of sketch parodies—including faux political interviews, sports commentary, Radio 4 program pastiches, and a send-up of investigative podcasts—the cast demolishes the news of the week with surreal wit and relentless wordplay.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Andy Burnham’s Makerfield Victory and Labour Satire

• Main Segment (02:49–04:39):
  • Andy Burnham delivers a mock victory speech, poking fun at political ambition and the endless cycle of Labour party reinvention.
    • "I will not use the people of Makerfield merely as a stepping stone for higher office. More as a stone which one can step on, as it were, on route to a more important job." (03:07)
  • Jokes about the state of the country and a hypothetical future where Burnham must work multiple high-profile jobs to make ends meet.
    • "For example, I heard of one bloke who had to be Manchester Mayor, MP for Makerfield, and now he's applying to be Prime Minister as well. Just to put food on the table." (03:23)
  • Satirically frames Labour’s frequent rebranding:
    • "You have given me a mandate for change. A final chance to change the change to a different change from the change we promised to change two years ago." (03:38)
  • Unified national sentiment: "None of us like Keir Starmer." (04:16)

2. Football Pundit Parody: Gary Lineker & Thomas Tuchel

• Sports Satire (04:39–06:32):
  • Gary Lineker interviews England manager Thomas Tuchel after a fictional match.
  • Tuchel, in deadpan German style, dissects British football clichés, debunking "giving 110%" and "covering every blade of grass."
    • "It's mathematically impossible to give more than 100%. And with biological inefficiencies, the maximum is closer to around 23 or 24%..." (05:15)
  • Ongoing joke: Tuchel takes language literally, undermining cheerfully exaggerated sports talk.
    • "Are you saying Elliot Anderson is 105 meters long by 68 meters wide?" (05:44)
    • "No, Gary, it is not a funny game. I don't find it humorous in the slightest. Though to be fair, I am German." (06:32)

3. Hollywood and Tech Parody: "Christopher Nolan's Odyssey" & Elon Musk

• Spoof Trailer & Satirical Deity (06:49–08:49):
  • A fake trailer for "Christopher Nolan's Odyssey" starring Matt Damon and Tom Holland, with Elon Musk as the "God of Assholes."
  • Musk interrupts lamenting identity politics in the film and proposes a "giant horse on wheels" to sack Troy, built by Tesla.
    • "Elon detests this movie’s identity politics and anti historical wokeness, even though I am curiously not worried at all about there being no Greeks in the cast." (07:35)
    • "It will be built by Tesla." (08:39)

4. By-Election Night: Media Satire, Burnham’s Solution: Buses

• Election Commentary (08:49–10:32):
  • Laura Kuenssberg interviews Burnham, who insists every problem, from Russian aggression to Trump, can be solved with buses or, failing that, trams.
    • "There's nothing that can't be solved by buses." (09:13)
    • "Trams— which are basically buses." (09:41)
  • Burnham’s dry, self-deprecating tone is skewered:
    • "I’m not the Messiah. I’m just a very northern boy." (10:28)

5. Football VAR & Scottish Satire

• Sports Panel Sends-Up Scottish Politics (10:32–12:09):
  • Spoof football commentary: a clear foul goes unpunished as a Scottish VAR team (with Nicola Sturgeon’s voice) claims nothing is "clear and obvious."
    • "As far as I'm concerned, nothing is clear and absolute. Absolutely nothing is obvious." (11:18)
  • Playful jab at Scottish political controversies and the infamous "campervan."

6. Comic Scorn at Labour's 'Spectacular Victory' & Popularity

• Labour PM Satire (12:09–13:36):
  • The fictional interim PM addresses listeners, feigning despair at Labour’s massive win and mocking party insularity.
    • "It is very easy to despair at our spectacular victory, but we will learn lessons and rise from the shattered debris of our triumph." (12:13)
    • "What did I learn? That... focus groups can be really, really cruel." (12:31)
  • Dismisses Burnham’s popularity: "I don't reckon this whole being popular thing will catch on. It's just a passing fad like fidget spinners or the Beatles." (13:26)

7. Science Program Parody: Schrodinger’s Strait of Hormuz & Presidents

• Radio 4’s "Curious Cases" (13:36–15:42):
  • Hannah Fry and Dara Ó Briain take on media confusion over the Strait of Hormuz, creating a "Schrödinger’s President" paradox.
    • "The deal is both alive and dead and the US is both at war and not at war with Iran." (15:14)
    • "Someone who’s simultaneously empty headed and full of shit. That’s science." (15:21)

8. Radio 2 Parody: ‘Babes’ with Rylan and Stacey Solomon

• Light Entertainment Satire (15:42–18:18):
  • Rylan and Stacey Solomon slip into existential despair over relentless bad news, riffing with exaggerated Essex "babes" banter.
    • "If my teeth were any whiter, they'd be standing for reform." (15:42)
  • A mock crisis about Stacey’s secret Radio 4 listening and affection for highbrow programming.
    • "Even if I did find his take on the ancient nomadic Garamante civilization... overly didactic. Babes." (17:48)

9. More Media Skewering: "To Catch a King" Investigative Podcast

• Podcast Pastiches (26:02–28:27):
  • Parody of melodramatic narrative podcasts, with ex-army Rob and reporter Sue breathlessly describing trivial acts as dangerous, culminating in running out of forest.
    • "Because of editing, I've immediately joined him." (27:02)
    • "What is it, Rob? I fear this is the end, even for us... We've run out of forest." (28:06, 28:17)

10. Other Highlights:

• Social Media Ban Parodies (20:00–21:30):

  • Kemi Badenoch offers ever more absurd ways of avoiding technology, from using taxidermied stoats to clicking like a bat.
    • "As a low energy weirdo with a newfound mojo, I believe it is my responsibility to set an example with my own social media use." (20:30)
    • "And bats are rarely on Snapchat, making it incredibly safe." (21:26)

• Donald Trump’s Peace Plan (21:51–23:43):

  • Trump brags about bombing a waterway "to reopen it," and how the word ‘MOU’ can be found in ‘mouse.’
    • "Only the Donald could have spent $113 billion on bombing a place in order to reopen a waterway that was already open..." (22:59)
    • "This memorandum of understanding will go down in history as a major major unless it all goes to hell." (23:16)

• PMQs and Political Farce (23:43–25:43):

  • Gary Lineker, as the Deputy PM, suffers a meltdown, with his inner monologue derailing answers in Parliament, culminating in Bob Dylan lyric references.
    • "The answer, my friend, you better not start doing Bob Dylan lyrics." (25:36)
    • "David is blowing in the wind." (25:40)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Andy Burnham (on political ambition):

  "I will not use the people of Makerfield merely as a stepping stone for higher office. More as a stone which one can step on, as it were, on route to a more important job." (03:07)

• Thomas Tuchel (on football clichés):

  "It's mathematically impossible to give more than 100%. And with biological inefficiencies, the maximum... is closer to 23 or 24%..." (05:15)

• Elon Musk as Greek deity:

  "Elon detests this movie's identity politics and anti historical wokeness, even though I am curiously not worried at all about there being no Greeks in the cast." (07:35)

• Laura Kuenssberg as Scottish VAR:

  "Absolutely nothing is obvious. So let's get this game back underway. Not that I'm interested in games, which is why I didn’t notice my husband's Nintendo 3ds console..." (11:18)

• Labour PM on popularity:

  "I don't reckon this whole being popular thing will catch on. It's just a passing fad like fidget spinners or the Beatles." (13:26)

• Curious Cases on world politics:

  "Thus the deal is both alive and dead and the US is both at war and not at war with Iran... you need to have what we call a Schrödinger's president. Someone who’s simultaneously empty headed and full of shit. That’s science." (15:14–15:21)

• Kemi Badenoch on safe social media:

  "And bats are rarely on Snapchat, making it incredibly safe." (21:26)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Poetry Please Makerfield Parody: 01:24–02:40
• Andy Burnham’s Makerfield Speech: 02:49–04:39
• Football Satire (Lineker & Tuchel): 04:39–06:32
• Hollywood Satire – Nolan’s Odyssey/Elon: 06:49–08:49
• By-Election Media Coverage/Buses: 08:49–10:32
• Football, VAR & Scottish Satire: 10:32–12:09
• Labour PM ‘Popularity’ Speech: 12:09–13:36
• Curious Cases/Schrödinger’s President: 13:36–15:42
• Radio 2 ‘Babes’ with Stacey Solomon: 15:42–18:18
• Social Media Ban/Kemi Badenoch: 20:00–21:30
• Donald Trump Peace Plan: 21:51–23:43
• PMQs/Political Meltdown: 23:43–25:43
• "To Catch a King" Podcast Parody: 26:02–28:27

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Episode Style & Tone

Dead Ringers maintains its trademark irreverence and intelligence, blending polished impressions with whip-smart writing and meta-media awareness. Tone veers from dry to zany, mocking both political self-seriousness and the peculiarities of British broadcast culture.

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In Summary

This episode is a tour-de-force of topical satire—skewering the surrealities of UK elections, media obsession, sports bluster, and culture wars, with relentless gags, sudden parodies, and biting political mockery. For anyone overwhelmed or bemused by the week’s news, the cast offer comic catharsis, sharpened with an unmistakably British edge.

Transcript

[Andy Burnham]

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[Shannon Maldonado]

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[BBC Radio 4 Announcer / John Colshaw]

BBC Radio 4. In half an hour, it's the Archers, where, thanks to the newly announced BBC cuts, Linda Snell will be played by an angry chicken. But now, in a change to the scheduled program, it's Poetry Please with Ian Macmillan.

[Poetry Please Performer]

Handy. Handy. Burn Embright. Results that came in overnight. What immortal hand or eye could frame thy fearful leadership try? In what distant northern skies burnt the fire of thine eyes? To what ambition do you aspire? What the hand dare seize the power? What of winning? What of loss? Starmer, Thou did double cross thy ambition unconcealed in the land of Makerfield. Andy Burnham. Bright results that came in overnight. Your glory may be brief and fleeting, but at least you're not Wes bloody sweetie.

[BBC Radio 4 Announcer / John Colshaw]

Dead ringer.

[Andy Burnham]

It is an enormous honour to have been elected as your MP for Makerfield. It's only right and proper. I pay tribute to my fellow candidates, from the Greens to the Tories and even the monster raving loony candidate reforms. Rob Kenyon. But let me assure you now that I will not use the people of Makerfield merely as a stepping stone for higher office. More as a stone which one can step on, as it were, on route to a more important job. The country isn't where it should be. Decent working people are having to slave away at three jobs to make ends meet. For example, I heard of one bloke who had to be Manchester Mayor, MP for Makerfield. And now he's applying to be Prime Minister as well. Just to Put food on the table. You have given me a mandate for change. A final chance for Labour to change the change to a different change from the change we promised to change two years ago. You have rejected the politics of hate, saying loud and clear that we must have unity and healing. And to achieve that, I'm starting a bitter and divisive leadership contest. Because for all our differences, there is still one thing that unites us as a country. None of us like Keir Starmer. Hello there, I'm Gary Lineker and welcome to the Rest Is football proof that 30 million quid from Netflix doesn't necessarily improve production values. Following England's thrilling 42 win against Croatia on Wednesday, I'm delighted to be joined by the England manager, Thomas Tuchel.

[Thomas Tuchel]

Hello, Gary.

[Andy Burnham]

Congratulations, Thomas. That really was a game of two halves, wasn't it?

[Thomas Tuchel]

Yes, what else could it be?

[Andy Burnham]

Well, what a metal.

[Thomas Tuchel]

Association Football Law 7.1 states that all matches must consist of two halves each lasting 45 minutes.

[Gary Lineker]

Okay.

[Thomas Tuchel]

With an appropriate amount added on at the referee's discretion to compensate for any significant non playing stoppages.

[Andy Burnham]

Okay. Well, the boys really gave it 110%, didn't they?

[Thomas Tuchel]

No, Gary, it's mathematically impossible to give more than 100%. And with biological inefficiencies, the maximum amount of effort that can be given is closer to around 23 or 24% with the rest lost as heat energy.

[Andy Burnham]

But what I mean is that they were really on it, weren't they? Elliot Anderson in particular covered every blade of grass on the pitch.

[Thomas Tuchel]

Are you saying Elliot Anderson is 105 meters long by 68 meters wide? He is not that, Gary. And as a result he could not and did not cover every blade of grass on the pitch.

[Andy Burnham]

Non imatu ak was great though, wasn't he? Constantly in acres of space.

[Thomas Tuchel]

No, no, that's incorrect. A standard 11 aside football pitch typically measures between 1.5 and 2 acres. And at no point did eyewitness all the players, match officials and and supporters shuffle around with dwecky to leave him in a perfect empty circle with a radius of 36 meters minimum.

[Andy Burnham]

Still, funny old game, isn't it?

[Thomas Tuchel]

No, Gary, it is not a funny game. I don't find it humorous in the slightest. Though to be fair, I am German.

[Narrator / Andrew Neal]

It's the most anticipated movie event of 2026. Christopher Nolan's Odyssey.

[Sports Commentator / Podcast Host]

Starring Matt Damon as Odysseus and Tom Holland as Telemachus.

[Andy Burnham]

My son. We have been fighting this trojan war for 10 long years now and there's still no sign of victory. We must have angered one of the gods.

[Thomas Tuchel]

But which one, Father?

[Laura Kuenssberg]

Zeus?

[Andy Burnham]

Athena? The worst one of all.

[BBC Radio 4 Announcer / John Colshaw]

Musk.

[Thomas Tuchel]

Elon Musk.

[Andy Burnham]

The God of assholes.

[Elon Musk]

Yes, it is I, Trillionaire Dog Elon, bow down before me. Elon detests this movie's identity politics and anti historical wokeness, even though I am curiously not worried at all about there being no Greeks in the cast. You cast Lupita Nyong' o as Helen of Troy, A decision that launched a thousand Elon shitposts. Prepare for my wrath.

[Andy Burnham]

Please spare us.

[Thomas Tuchel]

The wokeness was not of our doing. I'm just here to stop being typecast as Spider Man.

[Andy Burnham]

What can we do to appease you, Lord God?

[Elon Musk]

It is simple. You must go into battle with a giant horse on wheels which you will use to massacre all the Trojans and burn Troy to the ground.

[Andy Burnham]

But Lord, how can a horse on wheels cause such fire and destruction?

[Elon Musk]

Simple. It will be built by Tesla.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

Welcome Back to the BBC's By Election coverage. I'm Laura Kuenssberg. It's 4am in the morning, I've just chugged my 50th pro plus, I can hear colours and Chris Mason has gone feral and is living behind the bins. I'm here with the new MP for Makerfield, Andy Burnham. Andy Burnham. Congratulations. But what's the plan?

[Andy Burnham]

Well, Laura, here's the simple answer. Buses.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

Buses.

[Andy Burnham]

As you know, Laura, I made my name by transforming Manchester's bus services. There's nothing that can't be solved by buses.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

Well, that's not true. How would you have dealt with the Russians firing at yachts in the English Channel, for example?

[Andy Burnham]

Well, look, buses on Manchester's B network have never been fired on by Russia, Laura. That's clearly testament to how I run.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

Okay, so how would you handle Donald Trump? And don't say buses.

[Andy Burnham]

Trams,

[Laura Kuenssberg]

which are basically buses.

[Andy Burnham]

Well, if Donald Trump ever sits down next to me, I'll just move.

[Stacey Solomon]

Move.

[Andy Burnham]

Like when the mad bloke gets on the bus.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

How are you going to help a Labour Party facing the very real threat of reform?

[Andy Burnham]

Well, I've already dealt with reform, but reform of the Manchester bus network? Nobody can Fault me there, Mr. Burnham.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

Buses seem to be your only frame of reference.

[Andy Burnham]

Not at all, Laura. I will still do my very best for the party, having won this seat. It's a priority.

[Kemi Badenoch]

Well, at least a proper answer.

[Andy Burnham]

A priority seat up the front, please allow an elderly person to sit down or make way for a pram. Right, let's get to bloody work. I'm not the Messiah. I'm just a very northern boy.

[Sports Commentator / Podcast Host]

So we're coming up to half time. It's still the Netherlands nil. Japan nil. And now what's happened here? A Japan player has gone down off the ball. The other Japanese players are absolutely furious. Let's have a look at the replay. Well, the Netherlands player has blatantly punched him there. The referee can't have seen it, but VAR will surely intervene. It's a Scottish VAR team for this particular match. They're looking at the footage now. Here we go.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

I want to make it plain after video review. I have seen no evidence of wrongdoing whatsoever.

[Narrator / Andrew Neal]

Can't quite believe what we're hearing here

[Sports Commentator / Podcast Host]

from assistant referee Sturgeon.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

Look, I can only intervene when there's been a clear and obvious error. And as far as I'm concerned, nothing is clear and absolute. Absolutely nothing is obvious. So let's get this game back underway. Not that I'm interested in games, which is why I didn't notice my husband's Nintendo 3ds console, the Xbox 360 or the Turtle Beach Wi Fi ready gaming headset. And let me add, I have nothing to say about the whole campervan Hoo Ha.

[Sports Commentator / Podcast Host]

Just to clarify, Camper Van Hoo Ha is the Dutch player. Who was involved in that incident.

[Narrator / Andrew Neal]

And you have to say, he's a very lucky boy.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

Not that I can see.

[Interim Prime Minister]

Good morning, this is your interim Prime Minister. I am addressing you on this blackest of days, the occasion of our amazing by election result. I know Labour supporters will be shocked and saddened by our Stonking win in Makerfield. It is very easy to despair at our spectacular victory, but we will learn lessons and rise from the shattered debris of our triumph. There was always the danger that my Labour government would be outflanked by a crude populist party with cheap slogans and easy answers. And that party was, of course, the Labour Party. What is it with this Andy Burnham chapter? I've been told by my aides that he's popular. Don't think I've ever heard that before. So of course I leapt into action, commissioning a focus group and asking friends what being popular was about. And what did I learn? That I have no friends. And that focus groups can be really, really cruel. So my message is I'm going nowhere. I do not consider my position is under threat from Andy Burnham as he hovers there in the corner measuring the curtains while the removals van pulls up outside number 10. Because I don't reckon this whole being Popular thing will catch on. It's just a passing fad like fidget spinners or the Beatles. Thank you very much.

[Professor Hannah Fry]

Hello, I'm Professor Hannah Fry.

[Gary Lineker]

And I'm Dara o'.

[Poetry Please Performer]

Brien.

[Professor Hannah Fry]

Because apparently a lady scientist can only be taken seriously when a male comedian can find what she says.

[Gary Lineker]

That's absolutely right, Hannah. This is Radio 4's Curious Cases where we take your quirkiest questions and we

[Professor Hannah Fry]

solve them with the power of science. Let's play that annoying faux 60s spy drama sting that we have again.

[Gary Lineker]

It is annoying. So Hannah, what conundra is it that we're gonna be solving this week?

[Professor Hannah Fry]

Well, here's a voice note from Sarah in Hastings.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

Hi there. Can you tell me why for the last few weeks the Strait of Hormuz has been seemingly both open and closed at the same time? Also, why have you used that annoying music under this voice note?

[Professor Hannah Fry]

She sounds cool. Thanks, Sarah. Joining us to help answer this puzzle is Dr. Johannes Kepler from the Helsinki Institute of Quantum Mechanics. Dr. Kepler, can you explain.

[Thomas Tuchel]

Well, in terms of the Strait of Hormuz at a fundamental level like everyone else?

[Andy Burnham]

I have no idea what is going on.

[Professor Hannah Fry]

Thanks so much.

[Stacey Solomon]

Great jacket.

[Professor Hannah Fry]

Scientifically then we think it works like this. You put a deal in place with Iran and then add an isotope of fissile uranium as part of a nuclear program.

[Gary Lineker]

And then you simultaneously open and don't open the Gulf of a Man shipping route so that concurrently the price of oil goes up and down at the

[Professor Hannah Fry]

same time and the deal becomes a non event mass with a probability of 0.

[Gary Lineker]

Thus the deal is both alive and dead and the US is both at war and not at war with Iran.

[Professor Hannah Fry]

But the most important thing of course is you need to have what we call a Schrodinger's president. Someone who's simultaneously empty headed and full of shit. That's science.

[Andy Burnham]

You are listening to Radio 2 with me, Rylan. If my teeth were any whiter, they'd be standing for reform.

[Carvana Advertiser]

Right?

[Andy Burnham]

Okay, okay. Well now look who's popped into the studio to say hello. It's only my all time bestie, Stacy Solomon.

[Stacey Solomon]

You all right babes?

[Andy Burnham]

I'm all right, babes.

[Elon Musk]

You all right babes?

[Stacey Solomon]

I'm all right, babes. You all right, babes?

[Andy Burnham]

Are you all right, babes?

[Stacey Solomon]

I'm all right, babes.

[Andy Burnham]

Actually, truth be told, I'm not all right, babes.

[Stacey Solomon]

You're not alright babes. Oh no. What's the problem then babes?

[Andy Burnham]

It's just the world, babes. All of it. It's all Just too much at the moment, isn't it?

[Stacey Solomon]

I know what you mean, babes. Everywhere you look, this bad news. That bad news. More bad news. It's just so much of it. It's not for the likes of us, babes.

[Andy Burnham]

It's not for us babes.

[Stacey Solomon]

No, it's not us.

[Andy Burnham]

Hold up. I'm just hearing from my producer that you were one of the main people campaigning for this social media ban for under 16.

[Stacey Solomon]

Oh, babes. I just think the cumulative effect of misinformation is a detriment to society.

[Andy Burnham]

Have you had a stroke? Babes. You're right. None of these words, Matt. They're not real babes.

[Stacey Solomon]

They are babes. There's a whole world out there of words that are proper.

[Andy Burnham]

Omg, your aura is so cooked.

[Gary Lineker]

Babes.

[Sports Commentator / Podcast Host]

No way.

[Gary Lineker]

Is that true.

[Stacey Solomon]

They really are babes.

[Andy Burnham]

Have you been going behind my backstace? Cheating on me with the actual real news?

[Stacey Solomon]

I'm so sorry, babes. I accidentally had a little listen to Radio 4.

[Andy Burnham]

Don't you dare disrespect the memory of Scott Mills.

[Stacey Solomon]

It's too late, babes. Oh, but the shipping forecast, it's so good. Even if I think Bailey is a Christmas drink and the German bite is something your teeth do on holiday, Less said about Dogger the better. And now I also think Misha Glennie has proved to be a more than adequate replacement for Melvin Bragg on In Our Time. Even if I did find his take on the ancient nomadic Garamante civilization which flourished 2000 years ago in what is now modern, overly didactic. Babes.

[Sports Commentator / Podcast Host]

How could you?

[Andy Burnham]

Babes.

[Stacey Solomon]

Oh, I'm sorry, babes. I can be your Stacey again.

[Andy Burnham]

I can never stray to the dark side again. Babes.

[Stacey Solomon]

No way, Babes. That is about as likely to happen as the Gardeners Question Time panel planting their begonias in February. Oh, crap. Babes.

[Gary Lineker]

Oh, crap.

[Andy Burnham]

Babes.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

Oh, crap.

[Stacey Solomon]

Babes.

[Interim Prime Minister]

Oh, crap.

[Stacey Solomon]

Babes.

[Narrator / Andrew Neal]

Hobbits. The final battle is upon us. Sauron has massed his forces at the gates of Minas Tirith. And Gondor must either defeat them or fall forever.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

Our courage shall not be found wanting Gandalf.

[Narrator / Andrew Neal]

Then let us unleash the full power of the Fellowship upon the armies of Mordor.

[Gary Lineker]

There will now be a three minute hydration break.

[Carvana Advertiser]

I sold my car in Carvana last night.

[Stacey Solomon]

Well, that's cool.

[Carvana Advertiser]

No, you don't understand. It went perfectly. Real offer down to the penny. They're picking it up tomorrow. Nothing went wrong.

[Professor Hannah Fry]

So what's the problem?

[Carvana Advertiser]

That is the problem. Nothing in My life goes as smoothly. I'm waiting for the catch.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

Maybe there's no catch.

[Carvana Advertiser]

That's exactly what a catch would want me to think.

[Gary Lineker]

Wow.

[Stacey Solomon]

You need to relax.

[Carvana Advertiser]

I need to knock on wood. Do we have wood? Is this table wood?

[Andy Burnham]

I think it's laminate.

[Carvana Advertiser]

Okay, yeah, that's good. That's close enough.

[Andy Burnham]

Car selling without a catch Sell your

[Stacey Solomon]

car today on Carvana.

[Professor Hannah Fry]

Pick up fees may apply.

[Narrator / Andrew Neal]

This is Times Radio and I'm Andrew

[Stacey Solomon]

Neal,

[Narrator / Andrew Neal]

the live action orangutan from the Jungle Book. Now this week's social media ban for under 16s has been a rare occasion of cross party agreement. I'm joined now by Kemi Badenoch.

[Kemi Badenoch]

Good morrow, Andrew Neal of Times Radio.

[Narrator / Andrew Neal]

Well, Ms. Badenoch, you actually agree with this new legislation from the Labour government?

[Kemi Badenoch]

Well, not quite, Andrew, as I would actually go even further and say that we should all be spending less time on our phones. As you can see here, mine is turned off completely.

[Narrator / Andrew Neal]

Ms. Badenoch, that's not a phone, that's a taxi down. We'd stoat tied to a Japanese encyclopedia

[Kemi Badenoch]

and as a result it doesn't have TikTok, making it incredibly safe. And as a low energy weirdo with a newfound mojo, I believe it is my responsibility to set an example with my own social media use. For instance, I've also stopped posting photographs.

[Narrator / Andrew Neal]

Through Instagram?

[Kemi Badenoch]

No, through people's letterboxes. Previously I liked to share the framed family portraits of the 17th century Hungarian Royal family by posting them through strangers doors. I've also stopped tweeting.

[Narrator / Andrew Neal]

I think I can see where this is going.

[Kemi Badenoch]

I used to sit in a tree and join in with the dawn chorus. But now I. I do not.

[Narrator / Andrew Neal]

I see.

[Kemi Badenoch]

Instead I emit a series of clicks while hanging upside down in a cave to see whether a bat's thoughts start at the end and work backwards.

[Narrator / Andrew Neal]

Right O.

[Kemi Badenoch]

And bats are rarely on Snapchat, making it incredibly safe.

[Narrator / Andrew Neal]

Well, let's end it there, shall we? Because you're really freaking me out now. I spent 10 years talking to Diane Abbott. Hemi Beatonoc.

[Carvana Advertiser]

Thank you.

[Kemi Badenoch]

The wallpaper in my house is stuck to the wall with pesto.

[Sports Commentator / Podcast Host]

Hello losers. Great job. It's a great honor to be here in the palatial French palace of Versailles in France, sitting in this beautiful golden room inspired by my bathroom in Mar a Lago, alongside President Macron and his lovely mother Bridget, To sign this historic peace plan with the nasty Islamic Republic of Iran. This is a memorandum of understanding standing, or mou. Not many people know this, but the Letters M, O and U can also be found in the word moose. M, O, U, S, E.

[Gary Lineker]

Most people don't know that.

[Sports Commentator / Podcast Host]

That's why I'm president and you're not. Only the Donald could have spent $113 billion on bombing a place in order to reopen a waterway that was already open before I started bombing it to ensure Iran never gets a nuclear bomb, which it didn't have. This memorandum of understanding will go down in history as a major major unless it all goes to hell, in which case I will always deny signing it, just like I did with Jeffrey Epstein's birthday card.

[Gary Lineker]

Questions to the Prime Minister. The Deputy Prime Minister, David lammy. Thank you, Mr. Speaker. I've been asked to reply on behalf of. Of the Prime Minister who's attending the G7 summit. David. David, it's your inner monologue again. Just popping in to help you with what must be your most stressful gig ever acting for the official opposition, the Shadow Secretary of state, Claire Coutinho.

[Kemi Badenoch]

Mr. Speaker, why is the British government happy to get its oil and gas

[Laura Kuenssberg]

from Russia or Qatar, but not from Aberdeen?

[Gary Lineker]

That's a great question, isn't it, David? I don't have a clue what the answer is, do you, David? Mr. Speaker, what I would say to the Honourable lady is that this government. I hope you're not going to say it's doing quite a good job, actually. It's doing quite a good job, actually. Oh, David.

[Kemi Badenoch]

Mr. Speaker, if everything's so hunky dory,

[Laura Kuenssberg]

why did half his defence team quit this week?

[Gary Lineker]

Boom. She's got you there, David. You haven't got an answer to that, Mr. Speaker. The answer to that. You don't have one, David. I just told you that. The answer to that. Stop trying to give an answer when you haven't got an answer, David. The answer to that. Do something to distract her, David. Grab the mace. Drop your trousers. The answer, my friend, you better not start doing Bob Dylan lyrics.

[Stacey Solomon]

David

[Gary Lineker]

is blowing in the wind.

[Whole Foods Market Advertiser]

Next question.

[Gary Lineker]

I have a question, if I may, Mr. Speaker. Can I ask the right honorable gentleman why he's such a complete and utter. Lammy.

[Andy Burnham]

I've got a tip off, Sue. Time to move.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

This is BBC Radio 4's Intrigue to Catch A King, the hit investigative podcast where we try to make every last second sound as dangerous and dramatic as possible. I'm Sue Mitchell, I'm a reporter and my friend Rob Lawrey is ex army,

[Sports Commentator / Podcast Host]

and I always talk urgently and breathlessly

[Andy Burnham]

like this, because we can't take even the slightest Risk that.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

You forget how tense things are this week. We're in Calais. As usual, Rob, his ex army, goes off on his own. And despite us having to be quiet all the time, he calls me on my phone.

[Andy Burnham]

Sue, are you there?

[Laura Kuenssberg]

Rob is ex army. What is it, Rob?

[Andy Burnham]

Do you want a coffee?

[Laura Kuenssberg]

Deep in the heart of Calais, Rob is in a Starbucks.

[Andy Burnham]

It's the break we needed, Sue.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

Because of editing, I've immediately joined him.

[Andy Burnham]

His eyes are not Sue.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

This is another dramatic thing. Rob says a lot because of the danger. He says it whether it's cctv, a tourist taking a selfie, or because there's a nearby person with eyes.

[Narrator / Andrew Neal]

Ron.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

So, Ron, Rob is ex army. Why, Rob?

[Stacey Solomon]

Why?

[BBC Radio 4 Announcer / John Colshaw]

Shots.

[Andy Burnham]

Who?

[Laura Kuenssberg]

Two shots of caramel, Rob, in my latte.

[Sports Commentator / Podcast Host]

It's not a gun.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

It's not a gun, Rob. It's a milk frother.

[Andy Burnham]

Abort mission. Abort mission. Back to the forest.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

Yes, because somehow we've once again ended up in a forest full of sound effects. Because of the danger.

[Andy Burnham]

We've been searching for clues with no luck because as usual, it's pitch black.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

Rob is ex army.

[Gary Lineker]

3, 2.

[Andy Burnham]

Don't take another step.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

What is it, Rob? I fear this is the end, even for us. This is new and treacherous territory. Rob confirms it.

[Andy Burnham]

We've run out of forest.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

Join us next time because of the danger, back in the pitch black.

[Andy Burnham]

On To Catch a King.

[Laura Kuenssberg]

Rob, his ex army.

[BBC Radio 4 Announcer / John Colshaw]

Dead ringers was performed by john colshaw, jan ravens, lewis mccloud, jess robinson and duncan wisby. It was written by ned fountain and tom jameson, lawrence howe, alice bright, sophie dixon, john holmes, tom coles, joe topping.

[Gary Lineker]

There will now be a 3 minute hydration break.

[BBC Radio 4 Announcer / John Colshaw]

With additional material by rachel e thorne, declan kennedy cooper, maweenie swirt. Dared wingers is a BBC studios production. It was created by bill dare and the producer is john holmes.

[Russell Cain]

Attention animal lovers, haters and undecideds. A little birdie, a tit told me that you're looking for a podcast, just like Evil Genius, but without all those stupid humans. I'm Russell Cain, waddling onto your feed and squawking about my show, Evil Animals. Every episode I'm joined by two human guests, or as I like to call them, ex monkeys, passing judgment on all the creepiest crawlies and the biggest elephants in the room. Our vampire bats, terrifying giant mosquitoes, our bottlenose dolphins, sex obsessed savages. And we're going there. Domestic cats, evil or genius pig out on evil animals in the Evil Genius podcast feed first on BBC Sounds.

[Whole Foods Market Advertiser]

How did a boycott. Jimmy become a billionaire from posting videos

[Andy Burnham]

on Good Bad Billionaire. We're going to find out how the world's most popular YouTuber, MrBeast, made his fortune.

[Whole Foods Market Advertiser]

He's buried himself in a coffin for

[Andy Burnham]

days, counted to 100,000 on camera, and

[Whole Foods Market Advertiser]

even recreated squid games, all in an attempt to go viral on the Internet.

[Andy Burnham]

But it all started when he gave a homeless man $10,000. So is he a philanthropist reshaping capitalism,

[Whole Foods Market Advertiser]

or is he just the king of the attention economy?

[Andy Burnham]

Find out on Good Bad billionaire.

[Whole Foods Market Advertiser]

Listen on BBC.com or wherever you get your podcasts.