Dead Ringers Ep4. Much Ado About North-ing

Summary

Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4: Dead Ringers Ep4 “Much Ado About North-ing” (July 10, 2026)

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Episode Overview

This episode of Dead Ringers delivers a blisteringly sharp satirical take on the week’s news, with a special focus on post-election Britain, the rise of “Northern Power,” and the penchant for recycled political rhetoric. The cast lampoons politicians’ efforts to seem relatable, the ongoing woes of British sports, and the never-ending merry-go-round of pundits and guests on British TV. In a collage of spot-on impersonations and absurd sketches, the episode weaves in running gags about monotone politicians, “northernness,” sporting disappointments, media obsession, and even science fiction, all with the trademark wit and irreverence of the series.

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Key Discussion Points & Comedy Sketches

1. Weaponising Dullness: Keir Starmer’s Government

• Segment: [01:12–02:54]
• Summary: Fake political interviews parody Keir Starmer’s lack of charisma and low-profile approach.
• Highlights:
  • Emma Barnett (as host): “You’re the drone.” [01:41]
  • Starmer: “…our most effective form of defense is listening to me droning on and on… I’ve weaponized dullness.” [01:42]
  • Starmer on his unnoticed achievements: “All of it operates far below the threshold of public interest. My achievements have become the political equivalent of a stealth bomber.” [02:17]

2. Media Fandom & Andy Burnham, King of the North

• Segment: [03:03–04:49], [16:24–20:16]
• Summary: Chris Mason, BBC political editor, hilariously fawns over Andy Burnham, capturing the media’s tendency to suddenly idolize politicians—before moving on in a fortnight.
• Highlights:
  • Mason, gushing: “He lays out his vision for a very different Britain, where there is prosperity for all.” [03:19]
  • Mason, starstruck: “From his lovely eyelashes to his effortless smart casual jeans… embodies all that is good and decent about Northern life.” [03:56]

3. Football Punditry Parody

• Segment: [04:58–06:41], [20:21–21:51]
• Summary: Gary Lineker interviews “Thomas Tuchel” with deadpan literalism about football metaphors.
• Highlights:
  • Tuchel’s literal retort: “The goal posts are extremely large, very heavy and firmly anchored… at all times.” [05:52]
  • On being ‘in jail’: “Harry did not get us out of jail. I cannot, in fact, envisage any kind of scenario in which you and I would be imprisoned together, Gary.” [06:15]
  • Tuchel: “Your entire question is predicated upon delusion.” [06:36]

4. Reversing Bird Migration in Satire

• Segment: [07:00–08:49]
• Summary: Gary Lineker declares a new migration plan for birds: “All birds will instead go north for the winter.”
• Memorable moment: Nature Narrator: “And so it seems that the incoming Prime Minister really is a tit.” [08:49]

5. British Sporting Gloom – Wimbledon Woes

• Segment: [09:02–10:17], [15:05–15:56]
• Summary: Claire Balding and Tim Henman (now reporting from “Raducanu Ravine”) bemoan British tennis failures.
• Highlights:
  • Henman: “I’m here in a newly constructed part of the All England Club… at the bottom of a deep hole, surrounded by British tennis’ shattered hopes and dreams. Oh, and Andy Murray.” [09:24]

6. The Media Multiplicity of Zia Youssef

• Segments: [11:05–16:21], recurring
• Summary: Zia Youssef appears on every political show, loudly resenting every question and calling everyone but himself an idiot.
• Notable quote: “Frankly, I resent the question, and everyone but me is an idiot.” [11:46]
• On logistics: “It’s a combination of secret tunnels and Lee Anderson’s VAT of grease.” [12:05]
• On being everywhere: “Essentially, I need to be on everything, everywhere, all at once.” [12:23]

7. Old Hat Policy, Quite Literally

• Segment: [13:28–14:29]
• Summary: Emma Barnett and Zia Youssef discuss how policies are “old hat”—literally.
• Highlights:
  • Emma: “Whenever I create a new policy, I wear an old hat that is specific to the idea. For instance, the transport policy hat that I am wearing on my head right now.” [13:58]
  • Zia: “That’s not an old hat. It’s three hamster wheels stuck together by Blu Tack.” [14:20]

8. Northern Power Cabinet Fantasy

• Segment: [16:24–20:16]
• Summary: Andy Burnham presides over a mock “Cabinet of the North” with comical ministerial appointments (e.g., Jane MacDonald as Education Minister).
• Highlights:
  • Jane MacDonald: “We’ll cruise through it as I have, a plucky lass from Wakefield who dreamed of belting out ‘I Will Survive’ on a P and O liner.” [18:16]
  • Gromit (Transport): “Extending the line all the way to Manchester… with Gromit throwing down the tracks at high speed while being chased by a penguin with a gun.” [18:46]

9. Game of Thrones Northern Parody

• Segment: [19:09–20:00]
• Summary: Sean Bean, as the old “King of the North,” appears with references to both British geography and his infamous character deaths.
• Memorable quote: Bean: “Unless I die suddenly, like I do in everything else our appearance.” [19:41]
• Cabinet’s solution: “We have lost our greatest warrior. How shall we mark his passing?” “I could stick a brew on.” [20:12]

10. Oasis Lyrics as Political Analysis – Manchesterism

• Segment: [23:18–24:54]
• Summary: Rory Stewart (with Alastair Campbell) only speaks in Oasis lyrics to signal his “affinity” with Manchester.
• Highlights:
  • Rory: “And all the roads that lead you there are winding.” [23:52]
  • Gary Lineker: “Just saying Oasis lyrics won’t make you become part of Manchesterism, Rory…” [24:34]
  • Rory: “Mad for it, our kid.” [24:54]

11. Doctor Who Parody: Everyone but Me is an Idiot

• Segment: [25:00–25:47]
• Summary: Zia Youssef is revealed as the Doctor—still resenting every question, even in the face of an alien invasion.

12. True Crime Podcast Parody: To Catch a King

• Segment: [25:56–29:10]
• Summary: Investigative journalists parody true crime podcast clichés, tracking down “King Charles” in the style of dramatic podcasts.
• Highlights:
  • Sue Mitchell (deadpan): “Rob is ex-army. He’s also an extremely careful driver… But we edit those bits out of the podcast because of the drama.” [26:34]
  • Gary Lineker as King Charles: “Let me introduce you to my hounds.” [28:49]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Weaponizing Dullness:
  • Keir Starmer: “Basically I’ve weaponized dullness.” [01:42]
• Fanboy Journalism:
  • Chris Mason: “I’ve covered my bedroom with posters of him. Honestly, Emma, all the media are here and all the media loves him.” [04:33]
• Literalism in Sports Talk:
  • Thomas Tuchel: “Your entire question is predicated upon delusion.” [06:36]
• Bird Migration Satire:
  • Nature Narrator: “The incoming Prime Minister really is a tit.” [08:49]
• On Media ubiquity:
  • Zia Youssef: “Essentially, I need to be on everything, everywhere, all at once.” [12:23]
• On Policy Hats:
  • Emma Barnett: “This is not Blu Tack. It is chewing gum I took from on the London Underground. Hence it is my transport hat.” [14:20]
• Northern Power Cabinet Fantasy:
  • Jane MacDonald: “I’m in charge of schools of hard knocks and universities of life.” [18:16]
• Sean Bean Parody:
  • Sean Bean: “Unless I die suddenly, like I do in everything else our appearance.” [19:41]
• Oasis Lyric Gag:
  • Rory Stewart: “All the things that you’ve seen will fade away.” [24:06]
• True Crime Satire:
  • Sue Mitchell: “Rob, me now loudly across gravel to ramp up the danger. But Charles follows us.” [28:09]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Keir Starmer’s Dullness as Superpower: [01:12–02:54]
• Andy Burnham Fandom & Rise of the North: [03:03–04:49], [16:24–20:16]
• Football Interview Parody w/Thomas Tuchel: [04:58–06:41], [20:21–21:51]
• Bird Migration Satire: [07:00–08:49]
• Tennis Gloom & Raducanu Ravine: [09:02–10:17]
• Zia Youssef’s Media Omnipresence: [11:05–16:21]
• Old Hat Policy Skit: [13:28–14:29]
• Cabinet of the North Sketch: [16:24–20:16]
• Oasis Lyrics Political Satire: [23:18–24:54]
• To Catch a King Podcast Parody: [25:56–29:10]

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Conclusion

In classic Dead Ringers fashion, this episode skewers the events and personalities dominating British life—politicians, news presenters, pundits, footballers, and even wildlife—poking fun at their quirks, hypocrisies, and public personas. If you missed this episode, consider this a whirlwind tour of its biting satire and comedic inventiveness—a loving but relentless lampoon of Britain’s week in news and culture.

Transcript

[Gary Lineker]

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[Podcast Narrator 1]

he's widely recognized as one of the greatest footballers in history.

[Podcast Narrator 2]

He's won the prestigious Ballon d' or award five times.

[Podcast Narrator 1]

He's the all time leading goal scorer in professional football.

[Podcast Narrator 2]

And according to the Bloomberg Billionaires Index, he's the first active footballer in history to achieve billionaire status.

[Podcast Narrator 1]

Guess who we're talking about yet?

[Podcast Narrator 2]

That's right. Good Bad Billionaire is exploring the life and fortune of football icon Cristiano Ronaldo.

[Podcast Narrator 1]

That's Good Bad Billionaire from the BBC World Service.

[Podcast Narrator 2]

Listen now, wherever you get your BBC podcasts.

[Emma Barnett]

Welcome to Sunday with Lara Kuenssberg.

[Zia Youssef]

With me, the mean head of sixth

[Emma Barnett]

form who shouts at girls for wearing nail varnish. I'm joined by outgoing Prime Minister Keir Starmer to talk about this week's announcement of his new defence investment plan involving drones.

[Keir Starmer]

No, Laura, not drones. Drone.

[Emma Barnett]

There's one drone.

[Keir Starmer]

Yep, and you're looking at it.

[Emma Barnett]

You're the drone.

[Keir Starmer]

Well, my time in government has made me realize that our most effective form of defense is listening to me droning on and on and on and on. Policy this, funding that, accountability this, toolmaker that. It's exhausting and no one can get past it. Basically, I've weaponized dullness.

[Emma Barnett]

Sakir, does your drone have any military advantages beyond being unbelievably charisma free?

[Keir Starmer]

Well, Laura, you see, the beauty of the Starma drone is that it's completely undetectable. During my time in novice, I've reset relations with Europe, signed a trade deal with India, expanded free school meals, enacted the Workers Rights act and reduced NHS waiting lists. And absolutely nobody noticed. All of it operates far below the threshold of public interest. My achievements have become the political equivalent of a stealth bomber.

[Zia Youssef]

Oh, sorry, I totally zoned out there. Keir Starmer.

[Dead Ringers Cast Member]

Thank you, dead ringers from the Crossedwires Podcast festival in Sheffield.

[Emma Barnett]

You're listening to Today with Nick Robinson in London and Emma Barnett in Sheffield. And that's still too close. We can cross live to Chris Mason now as Andy Burnham prepares to give his first major speech with his agenda for Britain.

[Chris Mason]

Yes, Emma, it really is quite something to be here in the People's History Museum in Manchester, to feel the buzz as we await the arrival of a politician so at ease with himself, so confident in his own skin as he lays out his vision for a very different Britain, where there is prosperity for all.

[Emma Barnett]

Yes, but, Chris, we all.

[Chris Mason]

Andrew Murray Burnham, the people's pm.

[Emma Barnett]

Chris, it's not happening again, is it?

[Chris Mason]

Is what happening again?

[Emma Barnett]

Well, you going into ludicrous fanboy mode, just as you did with Nigel Farage a year ago.

[Chris Mason]

I don't know what you're talking about, Emma. I'm here reporting in my usual dispassionate manner about the undisputed King of the North, Andy Andrew Burnham, who, from his lovely eyelashes to his effortless smart casual jeans, T shirt and sometimes tight running shorts, embodies all that is good and decent about Northern life.

[Emma Barnett]

Oh, Chris, you're embarrassing yourself.

[Rory Stewart]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Zia Youssef]

I think he just recognised me.

[Emma Barnett]

That's not surprising. Chris, you are the BBC's political editor.

[Chris Mason]

He knows that. But what he doesn't know is that I've covered my bedroom with posters of him. Honestly, Emma, all the media are here and all the media loves him.

[Emma Barnett]

Yes, but Chris, how long for?

[Chris Mason]

Give it two weeks.

[Emma Barnett]

Chris Mason. Thank you.

[Chris Mason]

I've got a tattoo of a bus on my arm.

[Gary Lineker]

Welcome to the Rest is football with me, Gary Lineker. So glad not to be hosting the BBC coverage this year and having to pretend that anyone's ever going to scan that QR code to pay the TV license. Joining me to discuss England's nerve shredding win over Dr. Congo is England manager Thomas Tuchel.

[Thomas Tuchel]

Hello again, Gary.

[Gary Lineker]

At half time in that game, Thomas, you must have been tearing your hair out.

[Thomas Tuchel]

No, Gary. As you can observe, my hair is currently too short for me to gain sufficient purchase to remove it myself manually, even if I should want to, which I did not.

[Gary Lineker]

You seem to be making very effective use of the hydration breaks to tweak your tactics. But would you agree that by introducing them in the first place, FIFA has

[Nature Narrator]

rather moved the goal posts?

[Thomas Tuchel]

No, Gary, the hydration breaks do not involve any repositioning of the goal posts. Whatever. And I do not think that it would even be possible, given the goal posts are extremely large, very heavy and firmly anchored to the playing surface at all times.

[Gary Lineker]

Right, well, what about your captain, Harry Kane? He really got us out of jail, didn't they?

[Thomas Tuchel]

We were not in jail, Gary, so, no, Harry did not get us out of jail. I cannot, in fact, envisage any kind of scenario in which you and I would be imprisoned together, Gary. Still less one in which Harry Kane then served as our liberator. So your entire question is predicated upon delusion.

[Gary Lineker]

Thomas Tuchel. It was ever a pleasure.

[Thomas Tuchel]

No, Gary.

[Gary Lineker]

And whatever doubts there may be around this team, England can still go all the way, can't they,

[Thomas Tuchel]

Norgi?

[Nature Narrator]

Here in the rafters of this barn, this swallow has made a rather comfortable home for herself. Yes, they've still got me doing this. And no, I'm not yet. For the last few months, she has been enjoying a feast of horseflies, bluebottles and aphids. But there is a problem. Summer will soon be coming to an end and the flying insects she relies on for food will die off. If she fails to find another source of insects, she will face starvation. That is why she and millions like her will undertake one of the greatest journeys on Earth. They will fly 8,000 miles south for the winter.

[Gary Lineker]

Okay, this ends here. And this ends now.

[Nature Narrator]

Andy Burnham.

[Gary Lineker]

For too long, birds have flown south. Left wing, right wing. It doesn't matter. They all flock together, don't they? Well, that needs to change. Today I'm announcing as of now, all birds will instead go north for the winter. To make this happen, I will bring about the biggest rebalancing of bird migration ever seen, with the creation of a brand new migratory destination. South Africa. North.

[Nature Narrator]

And where is that going to be?

[Gary Lineker]

Make a field. So my promise is to deliver a world in which ordinary flapping birds no longer struggle with the cost of chirping.

[Nature Narrator]

And so it seems that the incoming Prime Minister really is a tit.

[Emma Barnett]

Welcome to Wimbledon with me, Claire Bald. They said that if I ever stopped smiling, my family would be in danger. Well, it's been a terrible start for British tennis. 10 singles players out on day one and a number of the leading Brits withdrawing through injury before the tournament even started. Let's talk to Tim Henman out on Henman Hill.

[Thomas Tuchel]

Actually, I'm not on Henman Hill, Claire. I'm not even on Murray Mound. Instead, I'm here in a newly constructed part of the All England Club designed to reflect the current mood. Radicano Ravine is 200ft below the surface of the earth at the bottom of a deep hole, surrounded by British tennis, shattered hopes and dreams. Oh, and Andy Murray.

[Zia Youssef]

Andy.

[Emma Barnett]

Andy Murray. What attracted you to Raducanu Ravine?

[Gary Lineker]

The dark down here, Claire. Night and day hold no meaning for the disappointed fans. They just wander around in their ragged blazers, gnawing on the outsized tennis balls they got from the souvenir shop. And urinating in their recyclable Pimm's cups.

[Emma Barnett]

That sounds terribly gloomy.

[Podcast Narrator 1]

How did a boycott Jimmy become a billionaire?

[Podcast Narrator 2]

From posting videos on Good Bad Billionaire. We're going to find out how the world's most popular YouTuber, MrBeast, made his fortune.

[Podcast Narrator 1]

He's bur himself in a coffin for

[Podcast Narrator 2]

days, counted to 100,000 on camera and

[Podcast Narrator 1]

even recreated squid games, all in an attempt to go viral on the Internet.

[Podcast Narrator 2]

But it all started when he gave a homeless man $10,000. So is he a philanthropist reshaping capitalism

[Podcast Narrator 1]

or is he just the king of the attention economy?

[Podcast Narrator 2]

Find out on Good Bad billionaire.

[Podcast Narrator 1]

Listen on BBC.com or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Gary Lineker]

I quite like it.

[Emma Barnett]

Well, that's all we have time for on tonight's Question Time, any final comments from you, Zia Youssef of Reform.

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold, hold on. Frankly, Fiona, I resent the question and I think everyone but me is an idiot.

[Emma Barnett]

Yes, you've been very clear on that. Well, that's it from us for this week. But over on BBC2, Victoria Derbyshire is presenting Newsnight.

[Zia Youssef]

Goodbye.

[Emma Barnett]

Hello, and welcome to Newsnight with me, Victoria Derbyshire. Speakers are fine, so don't play hide and seek with me unless you want a good speaking too. My guest tonight is. Sorry, Zia Yusuf.

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

Frankly, Victoria, I resent the question, and everyone but me is an idiot.

[Emma Barnett]

But you were literally just on Question Time.

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

Yes, and now I'm on Newsnight. You really are quite slow, aren't you? It's Reform Party strategy for me to be on all political television programs at all times.

[Emma Barnett]

But how? How do you manage to get to each show so quickly?

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

Well, frankly, Victoria, I resent the question, but it's a combination of secret tunnels and Lee Anderson's VAT of grease.

[Emma Barnett]

Okay, well, I'll be careful not to frame this as a question, but tell us the thinking behind Reform UK's policy for you to be on all political programming.

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. It's all part of party strategy. Essentially, I need to be on everything, everywhere, all at once. Ever since the 5 million quid business, Nigel has gone into hiding.

[Emma Barnett]

But this just doesn't make any sense. You can't be in two places at once. How is that even possible?

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

Well, like Reform UK's donations, it's frankly none of your business.

[Emma Barnett]

Well, join us again on Newsnight tomorrow night when I'll be talking to. Oh, for goodness sake, Zia Youssef.

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

I resent that. This is radical with Amal Rajan with me, Amal Rajan. And because I like hearing my own name out loud, I am Ol Rajan. Will say it again, Amal Rajan. Despite it being an anagram of major anal, which surely can only be a coincidence, Andy Burnham has set out his. Well, radical plans to devolve power to the regions. But these have been dismissed by the Leader of the Opposition this week as old and kebab. Aidanoc joins me now.

[Emma Barnett]

Good morrow, Mr. Einal, and may the blessings of the morning be upon your kettle bell.

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

Thank you very much. Now, whatever you think of Andy Burnham's ideas, it's not the sort of stuff we're used to hearing from our politicians. So is it really fair to call them old hat?

[Emma Barnett]

There appears to be some confusion when I describe a policy as old hat. That is not a criticism, it is an accolade.

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

How so?

[Emma Barnett]

Because as a low energy weirdo with a newfound mojo, whenever I create a new policy, I wear an old hat that is specific to the idea. For instance, the transport policy hat that I am wearing on my head right now.

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

That's not an old hat. It's three hamster wheels stuck together by Blu Tack.

[Emma Barnett]

This is not Blu Tack. It is chewing gum I took from on the London Underground. Hence it is my transport hat.

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

What other hats have you got?

[Emma Barnett]

Well, there's my housing policy hat, which is an antique sombrero with a central area of high rise fruit based accommodation surrounded by a wide circular brim of marzipan bungalows. Oh, and my defense policy is based on an aged pork pie.

[Chris Mason]

Oh, right.

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

And a pork pie hat has a narrow sharp brim, so that means you're having a small but mobile army.

[Emma Barnett]

No, that one's an actual pork pie. Should Britain be attacked, I shall encase the nation in jelly and pastry.

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

Just getting back to Andy Burnham's devolution plan, if we somehow can. Isn't it important for opposition leaders such as yourself to consider these proposals in an open and constructive spirit?

[Emma Barnett]

An opposition leader acting in the wider national interest in Westminster, even I am o am not that much of a weirdo. Welcome back to Wimbledon. So let's see what our expert pundit today has made of the competition so far.

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

Hold on, hold, hold on, hold on, hold on. Frankly, Claire, I resent the question.

[Emma Barnett]

Zia Youssef, what are you doing here?

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

Well, when we heard there was some live television I wasn't on, Richard Tice told me to slide on over to the studio and offer my services as an over opinionated, loud man who talks over women.

[Zia Youssef]

But we already have John McEnroe.

[Rory Stewart]

He's an idiot.

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

Everyone but me is an idiot.

[Emma Barnett]

Mr. Youssef, would you please leave?

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on.

[Rory Stewart]

Hold.

[Nature Narrator]

Hold.

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. You cannot be serious.

[Zia Youssef]

Okay, okay.

[Emma Barnett]

And for those of you watching at home, that's the end of our coverage here on BBC2. But if you see switch over to BBC1.

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

You can watch me on the repair shop.

[Zia Youssef]

Get out.

[Chris Mason]

In a time of great turmoil and uncertainty, only one Northern man could lead a beleaguered nation back to prosperity. Andy Burnham and his Cabinet of the North. King of the North, Andy Burnham has set out his northern plans for the north, relocating himself in the north with his new Cabinet of the north hand picked for the northernness of their northern ways. It was such an outstanding feat of audacity.

[Andy Burnham]

He.

[Chris Mason]

I nearly dropped me dead kestrel in me tin bath.

[Gary Lineker]

Thank you. Thank you all for coming. Happen.

[Zia Youssef]

Happen, happen.

[Gary Lineker]

We begin now to transform Britain Northern. Home Secretary Boycott. What of the immigration problem?

[Thomas Tuchel]

It's a bloody mess, that's what it is. Can't keep the boogers from crossing our borders as they keep coming up the M1. None of them bother to learn our customs. Only the other day, I rounded up a family of four in a teashop in Wetherby and who were rumbled because

[Keir Starmer]

they asked for oat milk.

[Andy Burnham]

Oh, shame, shame.

[Gary Lineker]

Excuse me, Mr. Burnham. Sorry to interrupt your terribly important meeting. There is no need to apologise. Deputy Prime Minister. Alan. What is it? I was thinking maybe I'd be suited to Minister for Education, what with my experience with the history boys. A return to proper northern grammar school education from inspirational boozy teachers who get a bit handsy during PE. I'm sorry, Alan, but we've already appointed Jane MacDonald as Minister for Education.

[Zia Youssef]

Too bloody right. I'm in charge of schools of hard knocks and universities of life. We'll cruise through it as I have a plucky lass from Wakefield who dreamed of belting out. I will survive on a P and O liner. Come and see me in the Starlight Lounge.

[Gary Lineker]

No, thank you. Now, my new Northern Minister of Transport. What's the latest with HS2?

[Rory Stewart]

Well, it's all going very well, isn't it, Grommet? You see, we're extending the line all the way to Manchester. As it should be, with Gromit throwing

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

down the tracks in front of us

[Rory Stewart]

at high speed while being chased by a penguin with a gun.

[Gary Lineker]

Who are you? And how dare you intrude upon my Northern Cabinet meeting?

[Sean Bean]

Tis I, the previous King of the North, Sean Bean. I have travelled far from the Night Watch, traversing the barren lands between Sheffield and Manchester, to be at your side.

[Gary Lineker]

Did you take the bus?

[Sean Bean]

Aye, I did. You were finer than any dragon from King's Landing.

[Gary Lineker]

What news from the Wall, Lord Bean?

[Sean Bean]

The soft southern G amassing, my liege.

[Gary Lineker]

What sort of an attack can we expect?

[Sean Bean]

Sniffy pieces in the Times. And dismissing your plan to relocate Britain to the north was an expensive logistical nightmare. But no matter. I'll put them to the sword. Unless I die suddenly, like I do in everything else our appearance.

[Gary Lineker]

I would not worry. That will never. Oh, he's dead. Bugger Cabinet. We have lost our greatest warrior. How shall we mark his passing?

[Zia Youssef]

I could stick a brew on.

[Chris Mason]

Oh, that would be lovely.

[Rory Stewart]

Let's please.

[Emma Barnett]

Welcome back to the BBC's World cup coverage. I'm Gabby Logan, the thinking man's test daily. So Gary Lineker's out there in New York living his best life, while I'm stuck here in Salford pretending it's America by eating something called corndogs and driving home on the wrong side of the road. We all know who England's best performer was against Dr. Congo on Wednesday. Captain Harry Kane, who took control and led his team to a 21 victory. That was an incredible turnaround, Harry.

[Andy Burnham]

Cheers, Gabby. Yeah, well, you know, it's hard to describe the feeling that I'm feeling in my tummy now. You know, it's like when all your subconscious wishes manifest themselves as corporeal entities. I don't know if there's a phrase for that or anything. I'm not sure really.

[Emma Barnett]

You know, like a. Like a dream come true.

[Andy Burnham]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I never actually thought of it that way. But, you know, now you say was actually, as you say, like a dream come true. No, Harry, it's the gaffer. What do you mean?

[Thomas Tuchel]

A dream in and of itself cannot actually come true. It is simply a succession of thoughts, images, emotions and sensations that occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep. By definition, a dream cannot exist outside the unconscious brain.

[Andy Burnham]

Oh, really? Ah, that's disappointing, isn't it? To be honest, you know, it's all a bit of a nightmare come true, really.

[Chris Packham]

Hello there. Chris Packham here. I'm the king of the lapwings, the Wetland vip. And I'm privileged to be here today, mere feet away from a couple of bristle tailed Shropshire Pygmy shrews, one of the rarest, most critically endangered species in Britain. And I daren't speak too soon. But the female appears to be presenting herself to the male. Could it be they're about to mate? Live on TV for the first time on Spring Watch? This could be a truly momentous development in the survival of this incredible species.

[Nature Narrator]

Yes.

[Chris Packham]

Now, the male is now mounting the female. Oh, wow. This is incredible. I hardly dare speak. I hardly dare breathe. We should.

[Dead Ringers Cast Member]

There will now be a 3 minute hydration break.

[Chris Packham]

And that's the last we'll see of the flopshire pygmy shrews for another 57 years. Thanks a lot, FIFA. Thanks a bloody lot.

[Gary Lineker]

Hello, and welcome to the Rest Is Politics with me, Alistair Campbell, the patron saint of centrist dads.

[Rory Stewart]

And me, Rory Stewart, half man, half weirder looking man.

[Gary Lineker]

Now, this week we're talking about Manchesterism. So. So what exactly is Manchesterism, Rory, and what does it mean?

[Rory Stewart]

Well, of course, as a political commentator who's very much in touch with the industrial north, I'd say that Manchesterism is half the world away.

[Gary Lineker]

Well, Manchester is around 160 miles from

[Rory Stewart]

London and all the roads that lead you there are winding.

[Gary Lineker]

Hold on, Rory. Are you speaking entirely in Oasis lyrics? Is that your attempt to sound relevant and Manchestery even though you went to Eton?

[Rory Stewart]

Not at all, Alistair. No. I've observed a lot of the changes that have taken place in Manchester over the years, but all the things that you've seen will slowly fade away.

[Gary Lineker]

That's also Oasis, Roy. Is that the only thing you even know about Manchester?

[Rory Stewart]

No, because I actually love Manchester and always have done. In fact, I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do.

[Gary Lineker]

Just saying Oasis lyrics won't make you become part of Manchesterism, Rory, Especially not with that posh accent.

[Rory Stewart]

You've got to say what you say. Don't let anybody get in your way, Rory. Take that look from off your face.

[Rob Lawrey]

Stop it.

[Rory Stewart]

Step outside. The summertimes in bloom.

[Gary Lineker]

I've got one. Rory. Some might say that you're a tedious little twerp.

[Rory Stewart]

Mad for it. Our kid.

[Emma Barnett]

So, UNIT headquarters is under attack from an alien invasion fleet and only one person can save us. But there's been no sign of him for a while now, and apparently he won't be back anytime soon.

[Andy Burnham]

Oh, no.

[Emma Barnett]

No, it can't be, can it?

[Zia Youssef]

Can he really be here? Doctor?

[Emma Barnett]

Doctor, is that you?

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Frankly, I resent the question.

[Zia Youssef]

Zia Yousef. You're the Doctor.

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Of course I'm the Doctor. It seems again Everyone but me is an idiot.

[Zia Youssef]

God, no.

[Emma Barnett]

Who's that?

[Zia Youssef]

Is it the Cybermen?

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

No, that's the Cryptomen and they're actually very good friends of mine. But now it is time for me

[Emma Barnett]

to go to save the universe.

[Zia Youssef (Newsnight)]

No. I'm the new host of MasterChef.

[Rob Lawrey]

Sue. Sue, we've got a lead.

[Zia Youssef]

You're listening to BBC Radio 4's Intrigue to catch A King, the hit investigative podcast that asks if a tree falls in the forest and there's nobody there to hear it, how do you make it sound dramatic and dangerous? I'm Sue Mitchell, I'm a reporter and my friend Rob Lawrey is ex army.

[Rob Lawrey]

And I always talk like this in

[Zia Youssef]

a sort of gruff half whisper, because of the danger. Which is also why we're once again in a pitch black forest.

[Rob Lawrey]

Sue, I've been contacted by a contact of my contact to give me a contact.

[Zia Youssef]

This is vital news. It means we can run noisily to the hire car and slam the door dramatically. Rob is ex army. He's also an extremely careful driver, never taking unnecessary risks. But we edit those bits out of the podcast because of the drama.

[Rob Lawrey]

We're here, Sue.

[Zia Youssef]

The edit means we've already arrived.

[Chris Packham]

Sue.

[Rob Lawrey]

This is the address of a person of major interest.

[Zia Youssef]

As we get closer, Rob tells me more about our target in a much louder voice than is safe. Rob, his ex army.

[Rob Lawrey]

This guy's a serious operator, Suit. He's involved in all sorts of questionable enterprises. His tax arrangements are complex and mysterious and he's very hard to track down. He doesn't seem to be living at his primary residence. Hang on, that's him right there. That's the bloke we're after.

[Gary Lineker]

Yes, very good day to you. Can one help you at all?

[Zia Youssef]

Oh, no, Rob. We really have caught a king this time. It's King Charles.

[Rob Lawrey]

Right, we need to be careful here, Sue. He's ruthless. He disappears people. His brother hasn't been seen for months and he exiled his own son.

[Zia Youssef]

Harry is ex army.

[Rob Lawrey]

I think we need to take cover. Luckily, I found the perfect way.

[Zia Youssef]

Rob, me now loudly across gravel to ramp up the danger. But Charles follows us.

[Gary Lineker]

May one ask what it is you're doing here? You appear to be making some sort

[Zia Youssef]

of podcast because of the listening figures.

[Gary Lineker]

Well, I. I don't suppose that need concern me too greatly.

[Rob Lawrey]

I wouldn't be so sure about that. The first bloke we went after got arrested and we've just exposed a criminal people smuggler. After we found him working in a

[Emma Barnett]

vape shop in Leicester because we are

[Zia Youssef]

in fact highly effective investigative journalists, even if our show is absolutely bonkers.

[Dead Ringers Cast Member]

I see.

[Gary Lineker]

Well, in that case, let me introduce you to my hounds.

[Rob Lawrey]

Abort mission.

[Zia Youssef]

Abort mission to the forest. Rob the forest because of the danger.

[Rob Lawrey]

Join us next time.

[Zia Youssef]

Still running through a forest on to catch the actual king Rob his ex army.

[Dead Ringers Cast Member]

Dear Dringers was performed by John Carter, Jan Ravens, Duncan Wisby and Kieran Hodgson. It was written by Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson Lawrence How Sophie Dixon, Alice Bright, John Holmes, Joe Topping, Tom Coles, Tucson Douglas with additional material by Rachel E. Thorne and Lizzie Mansfield, Katie Sayre, Alex Buchanan Cooper, Mawini Swirt Dared Ringers is a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. It was created by Bill Dare and the producer is John Holmes.

[Russell Cain]

Attention animal lovers, haters and undecideds. A little birdie, a tit told me that you're looking for a podcast, just like Evil Genius, but without all those stupid humans. I'm Russell Cain, waddling onto your feed and squawking about my show, Evil Animals. Every episode I'm joined by two human guests, or as I like to call them, ex monkeys, passing judgment on all the creepiest crawlies and the biggest elephants in the room, our vampire bats, terrifying giant mosquitoes, our bottlenose dolphins, sex obsessed savages. And we're going there domestic cats. Evil or genius Pig out on Evil Animals in the Evil Genius podcast feed first on BBC Sounds.

[Podcast Narrator 1]

How did a boycott Jimmy become a billionaire?

[Podcast Narrator 2]

From posting videos on Good Bad Billionaire, we're going to find out how the world's most popular YouTuber, Mr. Beast, made his fortune.

[Podcast Narrator 1]

He's buried a coffin for days, counted

[Podcast Narrator 2]

to 100,000 on camera, and even recreated

[Podcast Narrator 1]

squid games, all in an attempt to go viral on the Internet.

[Podcast Narrator 2]

But it all started when he gave a homeless man $10,000. So is he a philanthropist reshaping capitalism

[Podcast Narrator 1]

or is he just the king of the attention economy?

[Podcast Narrator 2]

Find out on Good Bad billionaire.

[Podcast Narrator 1]

Listen on BBC.com or wherever you get your podcasts.