The Naked Week: Ep1. War, Law, and Operation Amol Rajan.

Summary

The Naked Week: Ep1. War, Law, and Operation Amol Rajan

Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 — March 13, 2026
Host: Andrew Hunter Murray
Guests & Contributors: Kat Nealand, Rachel Parris, Mark Stephens CBE, Alan Myatt

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Overview

The Naked Week kicks off with a sharply satirical look at the latest headlines, from escalating conflict in Iran and the dubious logic of global powers, to Britain’s own brush with dubious law, new social media antics, and an exclusive comedic investigation into the UK's dodgy number plate trade. With no one spared, Andrew Hunter Murray and guests use biting humor and investigative edge to lampoon the absurdities of politics, media, and public life in 2026.

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Segment Breakdown & Key Insights

1. World War III & Operation Epic Fury ([02:00])

• Theme: Dissecting Donald Trump's contradictory rationale for bombing Iran’s nuclear sites, with mockery directed at his justifications and the cycle of war.

• Quotes:

  • Donald Trump (Impersonation):
    "When crazy people have nuclear weapons, bad things happen." (02:01)
  • Andrew Hunter Murray:
    "It's been obliterated, so completely obliterated. In fact, obliterated for years. He's now gone back to obliterate them again just nine months later with Operation Epic Fury..." (03:33)

• Satirical Explanations: Each public statement from Trump gives a different reason for the war: freedom for Iranians, stopping nuclear research, protection from threats, regime change.

  • "So stick that in a uranium enriching plant and smoke it." (04:35)
  • On regime change candidates: "Well, most of the people we had in mind are dead." (05:00)

• UK's Position:

  • Andrew skewers PM Keir Starmer for his noncommittal stance on US use of RAF bases, likening him unfavorably to Churchill.
  • Parodied response to U.S. request for UK assistance:
    "Unless the United States has requested permission to use British bases, we have taken the decision to accept this request. Oh, right, Okay. I mean, this is not Churchill that we're dealing with. Not even the one from the car insurance adverts." (06:09)

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2. Dubai Influencers: The War's "Real" Victims ([08:20])

• Premise: War disrupts the lives of British tax exiles and social media influencers in Dubai.
• Mocking Headlines:
  • Kat Nealand (reading Daily Mail quote):
    "I'm trapped and under attack in Dubai, while back home in Chichester, my daughters are furious, the Labradoodles are sick and worst of all, I left my Manjaro pen in the fridge." (08:53)
• Discussion:
  • The comedians lampoon the “misfortune” of the rich stranded in luxury, contrasting them sharply to genuine war victims.
  • Andrew Hunter Murray:
    "these are possibly the only victims of US imperialism that Jeremy Corbyn would not bother to march for." (09:06)

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3. Investigative Report: The Ghost Plate Scandal ([12:50])

• Reporter: Kat Nealand
• Topic: Unregulated vehicle number plate suppliers, criminal use of “ghost plates,” and the staggering scale of the phantom plate economy.
• Key Details and Stats:
  • Estimated losses: £900 million in unpaid congestion charges in London, plus £500 million for Dartford Crossing.
    "One in 15 vehicles in the UK has a ghost plate to dodge cameras." (14:22)
  • Criminal ties: Plates used for drug smuggling, people trafficking, violence.
  • Regulatory chaos: 45,000 license plate sellers in the UK ("17 times more license plate suppliers than branches of Gregg's" [16:16]).
• Quotes:
  • Kat Nealand:
    "Strictly speaking, there are two different types. Clone plates, which are the copies of ones already in circulation, and stealth plates, which can't be read by traffic cameras." (13:08)
  • On ease of abuse:
    "We ticked a box to say that we are the legal owner of this registration... That's it." (17:27-17:33)
  • Andrew Hunter Murray:
    "This is as foolproof as every other aspect of the British state." (17:33)
• Comic Escalation:
  • The Naked Week team claims (satirically) to have registered as a number plate supplier and invites listeners to order a fake plate from them.
  • Kat Nealand:
    "We've given it the catchy name. So you can right now go to www.thenakedweeknumberplategcriminalenterprise. and order a dodgy plate from us. We're in business. It really is that easy." (18:53)

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4. The Amol Rajan Instagram Parody ([21:58])

• Target: Former BBC News presenter Amol Rajan’s self-mythologizing Instagram feed.

• Performance: Alan Myatt, town crier, reads out Rajan’s Instagram posts.

• Quotes:

  • Alan Myatt (in town crier voice, quoting Rajan):
    "Today I went for a beautiful run. Smashed my PB and did loads of kettlebell disciplines and had a cold shower. I feel good. Life is wonderful, heart emoji..." (23:20)

• Commentary:

  • Andrew Hunter Murray:
    "If you haven't seen Amol Rajan's Instagram feed, you're missing one of the 21st century's truly great performance art projects." (22:10)

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5. Contempt of Court Explained: The Law Comedy Segment ([27:00])

• Guest: Mark Stephens CBE (leading solicitor)
• Topic: The challenge of discussing high-profile investigations (notably Prince Andrew and Peter Mandelson) on air without breaking contempt of court laws.
• Satirical Legal Guidance:

  • Mark Stephens:
    "Think of English contempt like it's the world's strictest school disco. You're allowed to dance, but only two feet apart, facing away and thinking pure thoughts about legal procedure and any flirting with an opinion, and the headteacher blows a whistle." (27:43)

  • Andrew Hunter Murray:
    "So what if we just said really simply something incredibly basic, like, I think Andrew Mountbatten Windsor is a paedophile?" (28:44)

  • Mark Stephens:
    "That would be libel, contempt, and possibly a cry for help... That sentence alone would fund all three of my children's educations." (28:45)

  • Contempt as music: Singing “Guilty” outside the courtroom: "That's Contempt with a guitar."; “Not Guilty” (two buskers): "That's Contempt with a two part harmony." (29:35-29:57)

  • On selling plates via the show:
    "Your friend is looking at a holiday that he or she didn't book. It'll be all inclusive and it'll have bars on the windows." (30:20)

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6. Notable Satirical Devices & Running Jokes

• Running line about UK bureaucracy’s haplessness:

  • "This is as foolproof as every other aspect of the British state." (17:33)

• Mocking political figures:

  • Starmer/Churchill, Jeremy Corbyn “red squirrel in the body of a man,” etc.

• Cross-segment throughline: Poking fun at elite hypocrisy (from Dubai influencers to BBC personalities).

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Memorable Quotes by Timestamp

• Donald Trump (Impersonation):
  "When crazy people have nuclear weapons, bad things happen." (02:01)
• Andrew Hunter Murray:
  "It's been obliterated, so completely obliterated." (03:33)
• Kat Nealand:
  "I'm trapped and under attack in Dubai, while back home in Chichester, my daughters are furious, the Labradoodles are sick and worst of all, I left my Manjaro pen in the fridge." (08:53)
• Rachel Parris:
  "The Red Cross are dropping parcels containing Mounjaro pens as, lest we forget, worst of all, in the current global situation, one woman left hers in a fridge in Chichester." (10:36)
• Kat Nealand:
  "There are roughly 17 times more license plate suppliers in the UK than there are branches of Gregg's." (16:16)
• Mark Stephens CBE:
  "Think of English contempt like it's the world's strictest school disco." (27:43)
• Alan Myatt (as Amol Rajan):
  "If I could I just monetize all the goodwill and affection and generosity from people, I'd be a billionaire. Life is wonderful heart emoji, microphone emoji, rocket emoji." (24:23)

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Important Timestamps

• War and Iran Satire: 02:00 – 06:30
• Dubai Influencers: 08:20 – 11:04
• Ghost Plate Investigation: 12:50 – 19:08
• Amol Rajan Instagram Parody: 21:58 – 24:54
• Contempt of Court/Law Comedy: 27:22 – 30:31

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Conclusion

The Naked Week’s debut episode is a tightly written, mercilessly funny survey of war, law, media, and social hypocrisy in Britain and beyond. Combining fearless satire, investigative humour, and memorable characters—both real and parodied—the team skewers global powers, British bureaucracy, and social media self-obsession, all while navigating the perilous waters of legal constraint with wit and style. If you seek a satirical digest of 2026’s “best” news, this is a must-listen.

Transcript

[BBC Announcer]

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[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Hello, I'm Andrew Hondemary. Welcome to the Naked Week. Imagine the world at one if it had been driven into the ground by Brew dog. Coming up on the Naked Week. This week, Donald Trump explains Iran.

[Donald Trump (Impersonation)]

When crazy people have nuclear weapons, bad things happen.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Yeah, we know. That's why we're scared of you, Donald. At her deposition in New York, Hillary Clinton delivers the official, flimsiest line of defence of all time.

[Kat Nealand]

Do you have any idea if the

[Mark Stephens CBE]

Epstein referred to is the Jeffrey Epstein?

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

There's a lot of people named Epstein in this area. Yes, Hillary, but this one's in the Yellow Pages under pedophiles. Now, before we begin, on behalf of the BBC, we just want to say the Naked Week is very pleased to offer a very special welcome to all the people with Tourette's syndrome we've invited along to this recording by way of an apology for the BAFTA debacle. All 56 of them arrived by coach this afternoon. They're in the front two rows near the microphones and in fact, we're proud supporters of people with any kind of disability. So we're equally delighted to have two profoundly deaf sound engineers. They're just outside in the van. Everybody's very welcome until tomorrow, when we'll have to apologize and say they weren't. Now, let's begin by wishing a very happy start of World War Three to those who celebrate. In June last year, the winner of the 2025 FIFA Peace Prize, Donald Trump, Bombed Iran's nuclear sites. And in his words, as you know,

[Donald Trump (Impersonation)]

their sites were obliterated. They're very evil nuclear sites. It would be years before they could ever get going.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

It's been obliterated, so completely obliterated. In fact, obliterated for years. He's now gone back to obliterate them again just nine months later with Operation Epic Fury, a codename that I imagine excites Trump beyond belief, and if you'll pardon the phrase, firmly puts the semi into semi automatic weapons. Now, the World War III naysayers would have you believe that the creator of the Board of Peace started this war for no reason, but we will not have that. No, sir. Firstly, on Saturday, the worthy holder of someone else's Nobel Peace Prize told the Washington Post that the reason was freedom

[Donald Trump (Impersonation)]

for the Iranian people.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

But then the stopper of eight wars told NB he'd started a war because

[Donald Trump (Impersonation)]

the Iranians were not willing to stop their nuclear research.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Two reasons. Thank you. But then the man who during his campaign rallies told the American people he would end all foreign wars, told them he was starting a foreign war to

[Donald Trump (Impersonation)]

defend them against threats from the Iranian regime.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Yeah, see, critics, that's already three reasons. So stick that in a uranium enriching plant and smoke it. And finally, he told the New York Times he was bombing Iran to bring about regime change. What we did in Venezuela is the perfect, perfect scenario, he said, adding that he had some very good choices for new Iranian leaders. But sadly, the next time he mentioned these hopefuls to abc, a few hours later, he did have to admit, well,

[Donald Trump (Impersonation)]

most of the people we had in mind are dead.

[Public Investing Advertiser]

Right.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

So it's off to a good start. By the way, it is technically possible to change a regime entirely using aerial bombardment in much the same way that it's technically possible to load a dishwasher from the other side of the kitchen. Now, some people, by the way, are claiming that Donald Trump is only bombing Iran in a desperate attempt to make us all forget about the Epsom files. No, hang on. The something Epping Epsilon files. Oh, it's worked. It's genuinely worked. The something files. What? Oh, I remember now. Pedo. But it's okay, because here was US Secretary of State Marco Rubio finally laying it out so everyone could understand.

[Marco Rubio (Impersonation)]

We knew that there was going to be an Israeli action. We knew that that would precipitate an attack against American forces. And we knew that if we didn't preemptively go after them before they launched those attacks, we would suffer higher casualties and perhaps even higher those killed.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

So I hope you're following along there. America was simply preemptively defending itself against a retaliation that hadn't yet happened in response to an attack by Israel, which it was also participating in. So just in short, it was a joint post pre emptive, post retaliatory, pre. Post emptive strike. Okay, when you put it like that, it's pretty clear. But let's not forget our own contribution to Operation Epstein Fury. This time when Britain was offered a. This time when Britain was offered a turn on the merry golf round, Keir Starmer was not reading from the Tony Blair playbook. UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer blocked Donald Trump from using RAF bases to strike Iran, showing us all how a man with integrity really copes in a crisis. Unless the United States has requested permission to use British bases, we have taken the decision to accept this request. Oh, right, Okay. I mean, this is not Churchill that we're dealing with. Not even the one from the car insurance adverts. Isn't that right, Churchill? Oh, yes, Of course. The other cry that's gone up since Tehran began its retaliation by firing missiles and drones at rich Arab states like Dubai is will no one think of the influencers? You know, whatever the reason for starting this war, we should remember the real victims, not the actual victims. The real victims. Influencers in Dubai who, thanks to the frozen airspace, have found themselves marooned mid Port a Potty party. I'm going to stop there because I'm not able and nor do I want to explain in any detail on daytime radio 4 exactly what a Dubai Porta Potty Party is. So what we'll do both for the audience here and you at home is give you a moment to Google it and then we'll come back and pick up where we left off. There you go. And before you write in, there's actually a whole World Service documentary series about Dubai Port a Potty Parties and you'll find that on BBC. Ugh. But over the last two decades, a huge number of the wealthiest individuals in the west have migrated to Dubai for its favorable Tax system making for literally the least sympathetic victims of war in the entirety of military history. These are possibly the only victims of US imperialism that Jeremy Corbyn would not bother to march for. Their whole awful predicament was summed up by this headline in the Daily Mail.

[Kat Nealand]

I'm trapped and under attack in Dubai, while back home in Chichester, my daughters are furious, the Labradoodles are sick and worst of all, I left my Manjaro pen in the fridge.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Oh, the humanity. But you can totally see why these people moved there in the first place. The sun, the sand, the appalling human rights record and not having to pay tax in the uk. And now they just want to come home. Something which the rest of us have responded to with the same enthusiasm as King Charles would on being told his brother can make it for Christmas this year after all. Even Ed Davy, a red squirrel in the body of a man, Thinks that they're a bunch of shysters.

[Jeremy Corbyn (Impersonation)]

We rightly expect our brave armed forces

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

to protect British citizens around the world

[Jeremy Corbyn (Impersonation)]

in crises like this.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

But that includes tax exiles and washed up old footballs. Said the washed up old paddleboarder. But the question remains, how are these people escaping their luxurious hellhole? To find out, let's talk to the naked. How are these people escaping their luxurious hellhole? Correspondent is Rachel Parris. Hi, Rachel.

[Kat Nealand]

Hi.

[Rachel Parris]

I've spent all on the Kent coast watching the Dubai refugees make their way make their way towards the beach.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Are we talking small boats here, Rachel?

[Rachel Parris]

No, Andy, no small boats. Just massive, massive super yachts.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Stop the yachts.

[Rachel Parris]

Sure.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Are any charities getting involved?

[Rachel Parris]

Absolutely. The Red Cross are dropping parcels containing Mounjaro pens as, lest we forget, worst of all, in the current global situation, one woman left hers in a fridge in Chichester.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Rachel, do you suppose these people will now use their newly gained self awareness and become more tolerant of other dispossessed people both here and around the world?

[Rachel Parris]

Sorry, Andy, you lost everyone from Dubai at the word self awareness.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Of course. Rachel, Paris, thank you. Time now to allow you a place to relax, to step out of the hustle and bustle for just a moment, a space to breathe and unwind as we invite you once again to take a stroll in our quiet garden of current affairs contemplation. It's the news in Haikus. Southeast water. Millions of pounds. Boo hoo crimey. A river. The news in haikus. You're listening to the Naked Week in the week when Kemi Badenoch described Labour MPs as goons, suggesting she's unfamiliar with radio comedy. Where the goons were a motley crew of laughable characters who. No, hang on. She's got it. She's absolutely got it. And speaking of goons, it's time once again to welcome the lovable Harry to my disturbed Spike Milligan. It's the Naked Week's chief investigative journalist and observer Whitehall editor, Kat Nealan.

[Kat Nealand]

First question, Andy, have you watched Scream?

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

It's called the Newscat and I scream at it every day.

[Kat Nealand]

We all do. But there's a new Scream film out. You remember Scream. Teenage slasher mayhem, knife wielding killer in a Ghostface mask.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Genuinely, I don't. Mummy wouldn't let me watch anything that wasn't either written by Richard Curtis or narrated by Bernard Cribbins. Okay, and this is relevant because.

[Kat Nealand]

Because Aunt. The return of Ghostface coincides perfectly with the Naked Week's latest investigation.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Witches.

[Kat Nealand]

No, it's nothing to do with witches. It's about ghosts. But specifically, it's about the rise of so called ghost plates.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Okay, so these are illegal vehicle number plates.

[Kat Nealand]

The term illegal can be debated.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Okay, Netanyahu.

[Kat Nealand]

But they're certainly dodgy. But they are certainly dodgy. Strictly speaking, there are two different types. Clone plates, which are the copies of ones already in circulation, and stealth plates, which can't be read by traffic cameras. So a speeding offence or a congestion charge for a vehicle with clone plates would be redirected to the innocent owner of the original, whereas one with stealth plates wouldn't be detected at all.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Ok, and I'm guessing that if you are a cash strapped counsel, you would really like people to be paying those fines.

[Kat Nealand]

Correct. A recent report by parliamentary group estimated that ghost plates were depriving local authorities of a staggering amount of money.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

How staggering are we talking? Are we saying accidentally stubbed your toe staggering or are we saying spotted Nigel Farage in Clacton staggering?

[Kat Nealand]

It's a nationwide problem, but in London alone, unpaid congestion charge fines are thought to be around £900 million a year.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

£900 million a year. That is more than Fergie spends on silencing her own conscience.

[Kat Nealand]

Add to that roughly half a billion in unpaid charges for the Dartford crossing and you start to get some idea of the scale of the problem. The report found that an estimated one in 15 vehicles in the UK has a ghost plate to dodge cameras.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

I guess they didn't have one on that car that was carrying Andrew then.

[Kat Nealand]

And some of these plates are facilitating some truly horrendous criminal activity. The Naked Week has spoken to sources in the police in trading standards and the DVLA who told us that stealth plate users are involved in smuggling drugs and weapons, sexual assault and people trafficking.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Okay, and just to be clear, are there specific examples of crimes that we know involved fake plates?

[Kat Nealand]

Sadly, yes. Four years ago, a 21 year old was stabbed by four men in Slough in a premeditated attack. One of the men was found to have ordered three different plates for a stolen car that was used in the attack.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

And these were ghost plates.

[Kat Nealand]

They were cloned. But when Thames Valley Police investigated the supplier, they found that he had made dozens and dozens of ghost plates too.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Okay, and this supplier was a man

[Kat Nealand]

named Mohammed Waqqas Akhtar, operating under the trade name Perfect Plates Online.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Perfect Plates. That is the most misleading title since Shadow Chancellor Robert Jenrick. Please tell me Mr. Akhtar was charged with something.

[Kat Nealand]

He was. He was found guilty of four offences under the Vehicles Crime Act. He was fined and banned from supplying plates for five years.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Only five years? I've been on podcasts longer than that. Presumably, though this guy's dodgy plate company was completely off grid and unregistered, it

[Kat Nealand]

was actually a fully registered DVLA approved, legitimate business, even though the product it was selling was in many cases totally illegal.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Ok, but hang on, what about industry regulation? That can't have let us down.

[Kat Nealand]

Again, that is the issue. The system is basically completely out of control. The Naked Weeks investigation found that the total number of outlets in the UK selling license plates is more than 45,000.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

45,000. OK, that sounds big, but Kat, can you please just put it in terms that any British person can understand?

[Kat Nealand]

Sure. It means There are roughly 17 times more license plate suppliers in the UK than there are branches of Gregg's.

[Mark Stephens CBE]

Yeah.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

What a patriotically heart stopping statistic. It sounds like the DVLA is struggling to effectively police this many registered suppliers. Can't they at least strike off suspect operators?

[Kat Nealand]

Yes, but it is both difficult and time consuming. Securing a court order can take months, during which time suppliers can keep trading. Sources told us about one that provided dodgy plates for at least eight vehicles linked to organised crime, which is still on the DVLA's approved list more than six weeks after being reported. And that got us thinking, thought it might. We wanted to know exactly how easy it was to buy a dodgy plate. So to find out, we tried to buy one from an online supplier. And here. There it is.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Okay, show you all. The audience at home. This says N4KED, which looks like the word naked. This show is called the Naked Week. Keep up. Ok. And what did you do to prove to the supplier that we are the legal owner of this registration?

[Kat Nealand]

We ticked a box to say that we are the legal owner of this registration.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Is that it?

[Kat Nealand]

That's it.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Even though we very much are not correct. Okay, I'm glad. This is as foolproof as every other aspect of the British state. Okay, well, apologies if you are the actual owner of the number plate. N4KED. Although let's be honest, there's a reasonable chance it's Mandelson. Whoever you are, please get in touch. We will gladly sell you this one. And to sweeten the deal, we'll throw in Chris Mason. Cat, this is amazing. I mean, this really does look like a 100% legitimate license.

[Kat Nealand]

We contacted the DVLA about our investigation and they told us the law requires

[BBC Announcer]

number plate suppliers to be properly registered with DVLA and they must only supply number plates according to the legal requirements. DVLA works with police and trading standards to enforce these laws and we will investigate any reports of suppliers failing to comply with the law.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

So that's alright then. Very much sterling work. Ladies and gentlemen, Kat Neeler.

[Kat Nealand]

Actually, Andy, there's more.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Do we need to call a lawyer?

[Kat Nealand]

Possibly. Because seeing as how spectacularly, some might say alarmingly, irresponsibly easy it is to become a supplier of dodgy plates, the Naked Week decided to become one ourselves. Genuinely 100%. We've applied to the DVLA, ticked the minimal boxes and have set up a website.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

We haven't.

[Kat Nealand]

We have.

[LinkedIn Ads Narrator]

Oh God.

[Kat Nealand]

We've given it the catchy name. So you can right now go to www.thenakedweeknumberplategcriminalenterprise. and order a dodgy plate from us. We're in business. It really is that easy.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

We will see you in court in about 10 years time. Ladies and gentlemen, Cat Wheel and Dealing.

[Alan Myatt]

Nealand.

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[Andrew Hunter Murray]

You're listening to the naked week on BBC Radio 4. Still to come, the Prime Minister reveals how he uses a bus stop. I stand by it. Good advice. Also on the way, US War Secretary Pete Hegseth tells his boiled egg what his soldiers are made of.

[Progressive Insurance Advertiser]

They are toast and they know it.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

In keeping with US strategy, he attempted to shell the egg and accidentally blew up a school lunchbox instead. Now, it's been a few months since the Naked Week was on the air. And a lot. Not least war in the Middle east and the return of low rise jeans. Hello 2003. But the most truly seismic event of 2026 so far came from the Today programme's alpha dog, Amol Rajan. Ok, so the rumours are true. The rumours are true. I'm leaving. I'm leaving BBC News. No. Why Amol. Was it you that got too big or the headlines that got too small? Did this? Fear not amoled. The Rajan Bull is ready to conquer the world via the medium of Instagram. I'm serious. If you haven't seen Amul Rajan's Instagram feed, you're missing one of the 21st century's truly great performance art projects. A relentless deluge of sharp suits, sunglasses, blue steel poses, gym bro banter and weapons grade humble bragging. Here's a quick example from a couple of weeks ago.

[Jeremy Corbyn (Impersonation)]

Sounds mad, but I'm trying to appreciate every aspect of Life, including the 3:45am Commute aviators on, tunes blaring big yo to the security guys. After nearly five years, I Think I've got this routine sorted, even if the sleep isn't. Alarm clock emoji, Life is wonderful, heart emoji, microphone emoji.

[LinkedIn Ads Narrator]

Yeah.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

I remember my first paper round. Aviator's on, by the way. In the middle of the night. And it goes on like that day after day, spreading the gospel of rajan to his 134,000 followers. The point is, Amol's got a message to convey and we want to help him convey it. We have decided to go old school and to help us with this very important task, please welcome to perform selected highlights from Amol Rajan's Instagram feed, the Guinness World Record holder for the loudest ever town crier. All the way from Gloucester, it's Alan Myatt.

[Alan Myatt]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Today I went for a beautiful run. Smashed my PB and did loads of kettlebell disciplines and had a cold shower. I feel good. Life is wonderful, heart emoji. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Friday, a 10k run. I feel fantastic. Hashtag Life is wonderful heart emoji, Flex biceps emoji. Oh, yeah. If I could I just monetize all the goodwill and affection and generosity from people, I'd be a billionaire. Life is wonderful heart emoji, microphone emoji, rocket emoji.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Amal Rajan's Instagram feed there represented by a massive bell. Now, a lot has happened while the Naked Week's been away. I say a lot has happened, really. It's just been the Labour Party and the BBC taking it in turns to fall on their own asses like a broken Swiss cuckoo clock of institutional incompetence. However, we did get to witness both Prince Andrew, to give him his official title, not Prince Andrew and Peter Mandelson being arrested and Russell Brand making a court appearance dressed as Jesus. But if Jesus had only recently, somewhat suspiciously found Christianity. To be clear, that's Russell Brand, who you might remember from such programs as Most of Channel 4's output in the early noughties and also from the exact same Channel 4's dispatches in plain Sight. Now, as broadcasters, we're quite constrained in what we can say about Andy, Mandy and Russell Brandy. Do you? Due to rules surrounding contempt of court. For a start, Andy and Mandy are under active investigation. That's opposed to a passive investigation, which is like passive smoking, when you're not the one under investigation but you still suffer all the negative effects, much like Holly did with Phil. What we certainly can't do is express any opinion about any of these matters. You've got as much Chance of getting away with that on the BBC as you have of shouting free Palestine. And we'll see if that stays in the edit. So, current circumstances have put us at the Naked Week in a bit of a tricky pickle. Tricky pickle, of course. Just one of the many strippers Bill Gates allegedly slept with, according to the Epstein files. The question is, how much can we discuss around the simple facts that Andy and Mandy have been arrested? We'll leave Brandy out. We don't want to get the bookie work thrown at us, but if we're going to do this, we're going to need some proper advice. What are we allowed to say or not say as things stand? And if we do say the wrong thing, could we end up being someone's cellmate to quote the idf? What a minefield. To help us out, please welcome top solicitor Mark Stevens. C. Welcome to the show, Mark. I should ask before we start, is this all on the clock? Absolutely.

[Mark Stephens CBE]

I'm billing every breath and I'm dragging it out.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Okay, well, just charge it to the corporation and we'll say the outgoing Director General okayed it. Now, I think people find the rules confusing because obviously Andy and Mandy haven't been charged, but anything we say could still influence any future jury. Is that correct?

[Mark Stephens CBE]

Exactly. Think of English contempt like it's the world's strictest school disco. You're allowed to dance, but only two feet apart, facing away and thinking pure thoughts about legal procedure and any flirting with an opinion, and the headteacher blows a whistle.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Okay, okay. Well, the cases that we're dealing with are very specifically about misconduct in public office. On that basis, would we be okay if we just got stuck into the nonsense?

[Mark Stephens CBE]

I'd strongly advise you not to go anywhere near that sentence legally, morally, or even geographically.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Okay, okay, we'll try it a different way. So what if we didn't comment on his alleged misconduct in public office at all? What if we just said really simply something incredibly basic, like, I think Andrew Mountbatten Windsor is a paedophile?

[Mark Stephens CBE]

That would be libel, contempt, and possibly a cry for help. And thank you, Andy. That sentence alone would fund all three of my children's educations.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Okay? And I'm happy to correct the record. Andrew Mountbatten Windsor is absolutely not a paedophile. Can we say anything? Don't laugh. That undercuts the whole thing. Am I right in thinking the important thing is not to prejudice public opinion against either? Not Prince Andrew or Peter Mandelson? And in both cases, isn't that closing the stable door after the horses decided that these two are bastards.

[Mark Stephens CBE]

Contempt law still wants the stable door shut, bolted, alarmed and guarded by a barrister, usually with a clipboard.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Okay, well, let's now do some specific scenarios. What if I got a busker to stand outside the courtroom singing the Barbra Streisand and Barry Gibb hit Guilty?

[Mark Stephens CBE]

That's Contempt with a guitar.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Okay. Okay. What if I got a second busker to stand outside singing Not Guilty by George Harrison at the same time?

[Mark Stephens CBE]

That's Contempt with a two part harmony.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Okay. All right. Finally, just one last question while we have you. What would happen if. I'm asking on behalf of a friend. What would happen if my friend had a Friday night comedy on Radio 4 and used it as a front for a business selling dodgy car number plates? How long a stretch is he or she looking at?

[Mark Stephens CBE]

Your friend is looking at a holiday that he or she didn't book. It'll be all inclusive and it'll have bars on the windows.

[Andrew Hunter Murray]

Great fun, everybody. That's it. This week from the Naked Week. Goodbye. The Naked Week was hosted by me, Andrew Hunter Murray, with guest correspondent Rachel Parris and guest solicitor Mark Stephens CBE and town crier Alan Myatt. It was written by John Holmes, Katie Sayer, Gareth K, Jason Hazeley and James Kettle with investigations team Cat Neyland and Emily Channan. Additional material by Carl Minns, Ali Panting, Helen Brooks, Pete Redford, Cooper, Mawini Swirt, Joe Topping and David Rifkin.

[Alan Myatt]

Oh, yeah. The Naked Wig is produced and directed by John Holmes. It's an unusual production for BBC Radio 4.

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