The News Quiz: Ep3. When the King came round for tea

Summary

Podcast Summary: Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4

Episode: The News Quiz: Ep3. When the King Came Round for Tea

Date: May 8, 2026
Host: Andy Zaltzman
Panelists: Ashley Storey, Vittorio Angelone, Simon Evans, Cindy Yu

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Episode Overview

This episode of The News Quiz takes a satirical look at the week’s major political stories, with the standout focus being King Charles III’s state visit to Washington D.C. The panel comically unpacks the King’s much-discussed address to the U.S. Congress, his dynamic with Donald Trump, and the broader absurdities of British and global politics. Interspersed throughout are quips about local elections, parliamentary booze culture, hereditary peers, and the rising tide of shoplifting in the UK. As always, the panel blends sharp wit, biting sarcasm, and playful banter, lampooning both the newsmakers and the system itself.

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Key Topics and Discussion Points

1. King Charles III's U.S. Visit and Speech

Timestamps: 01:08 – 16:01

• Event and Reactions:
  The panel discusses the highly publicized visit of King Charles III to Washington, D.C., highlighting how well his speech landed in the United States.

  • Simon Evans: “King Charles made a huge impact on the White House in Washington and an absolute triumph…how comfortable he appeared in addressing Britain’s current number one enemy.” (02:50)
  • Noted Charles’ jocular references to historical events like the Boston Tea Party and how his delivery balanced humor and pointed subtext.

• Diplomatic Gifts & Jokes:
  The King gave a bell from HMS Trump to Donald Trump.

  • “They even managed to give Donald Trump a literal bell end as a gift without causing a diplomatic incident.” – Simon Evans (03:31)

• Charles’ Tone and Trump’s Reception:
  Cindy Yu reflects on the King’s nuanced but direct language, particularly regarding Ukraine and references to the Magna Carta.

  • “He was quite funny, but it was also quite deeply sarcastic at times.” (04:09)
  • Trump, in contrast, “didn’t pick up on any of it because he’s a gonk.” – Ashley Storey (06:24)

• Comparisons and Satire:
  Jokes about “KC3PO” (a Star Wars riff), burning references, and “Real Housewives of Colonialism” swap imagined scenes of royal and presidential interactions.

  • “He turned up there with his burn book like a mean girl and he was salty and shady.” – Ashley Storey (06:24)
  • “It kind of would make an amazing Real Housewives of colonialism episode with Charles and Camilla and Donald and Melania.” – Ashley Storey (11:30)

• Royal Banquets and Historic Barbs:
  The King’s state banquet remarks (“better than the Boston Tea Party”) are dissected.

  • “It was a very considerable improvement on the Boston Tea Party, which was very much a kick in the balls metaphor.” – Andy Zaltzman (07:53)

• Trump’s Social Media Antics:
  Discussion of Trump posting a photo wielding a machine gun after the event, and a Daily Mail article linking Trump to King Charles as 15th cousins.

  • “Trump posted: Wow, that’s nice. I’ve always wanted to live in Buckingham Palace. I’ll talk to the King and Queen about this in a few minutes.” – Cindy Yu (09:46)
  • “His social media output’s quite unorthodox, Vittorio, isn’t it?” – Andy Zaltzman (09:27)

• Should the UK Lend Its Royals to America?
  Panel imagines a system of “geopolitical man marking” with rotating royals stationed in America.

  • “Maybe like a six-month course of royals. So after the King comes back, he can then send William, send Kate…Princess Anne. I reckon he’d love Princess Anne.” – Cindy Yu (13:36)
  • “Is this the first case of, like, geopolitical man marking?” – Vittorio Angelone (13:47)

• Imagined Private Conversations:
  Comedy sketches of what happened behind closed doors (Camilla and Melania swapping tips on faking migraines, Trump asking where to get a crown fitted).

  • “Camilla said to Melania: blink three times if you need help. Melania winked twice. Camilla was like, I don’t know what that means…” – Ashley Storey (14:56)

2. Upcoming UK Elections and Political Party Fortunes

Timestamps: 17:19 – 21:19

• Discussion of Elections in England, Scotland, Wales:
  Judgement-free political snark as the panel reviews polling forecasts, political apathy, the SNP’s prospects in Scotland, the quirks of Reform Party candidates, and Labour’s expected nervous breakdown if council seat losses reach a certain threshold.

  • “I don’t really care about anything right now other than potholes and nobody’s fixing them. I was thinking of becoming a vigilante and calling myself the hole filler...” – Ashley Storey (18:05)
  • “1,500 council seats was the threshold to lose for the Labour Party, at which point the Labour Party would have a collective nervous breakdown, while pollsters are now saying it’s 1,900.” – Cindy Yu (20:31)

• Green vs. Reform Party, Northern Irish Perspective:
  Vittorio draws parallels between UK color-coded parties and Northern Irish politics.

  • “Basically, the Green Party are Catholic and Reformer Protestant party. And I know who I will be voting for.” – Vittorio Angelone (20:04)

3. Parliament’s Drinking Culture and Hereditary Peers

Timestamps: 22:02 – 26:14

• MP Drinking Habits:
  The panel riffs on new Green MP Hannah Spencer’s revelation about boozing in Parliament, the subsidized bars, and historic anecdotes of political alcohol consumption.

  • “The bars in Parliament are subsidized…a Guinness is £4 50. I’m running for election.” – Vittorio Angelone (23:13)
  • “William Pitt the Younger was advised by his doctor to drink port for his health. He reportedly drank a bottle before breakfast, another before tea and a third before supper…” – Ashley Storey (23:59)

• End of Hereditary Peers’ Elections:
  A comic exploration of the slow death of hereditary peers in the House of Lords, likened to a chronic condition.

  • “Hereditary peers could become herpes.” – Vittorio Angelone (25:57)
  • “It’s been 30 years trying to get rid of them, or a thousand, depending on which way you start counting…and dozens are still going to remain as life peers. It’s like, harder to get rid of than herpes.” – Cindy Yu (25:26)

4. Shoplifting as a British Institution

Timestamps: 26:14 – 28:45

• Prime Minister’s Speech on Shoplifting:
  Panel makes light of the PM’s tough talk on shoplifting, with wild real-life and historical stories about British shoplifting customs.

  • “Oh, I love shoplifters. No, it’s bad, but…it’s a part of the world.” – Ashley Storey (26:18)
  • “Shoplifting is part of British culture and it’s definitely a rite of passage.” – Simon Evans (27:29)

• Modern vs. Historic Theft:
  Comparison between old-school “steal in secret” and today’s boldness, with tongue-in-cheek references to British Museum acquisitions.

  • “Proper old British tradition is you steal things and then put them on display in a museum.” – Vittorio Angelone (27:54)
  • “The problem is they make shoplifting so easy nowadays. Like I was in Tesco…as long as it weighs roughly the same…” – Vittorio Angelone (28:13)

5. Comedic Closer: Policy Satire and Breaking News

Timestamps: 28:45–29:52

• Final Score:
  Cindy and Simon win the quiz by one point.
• Joke Breaking News:
  "The government has just announced that all pensioners will be redeployed to the armed forces."
• Episode's Sentiment:
  “If revenge is a dish best served cold, irony is a dish best served at a five course state banquet.” – Andy Zaltzman (15:33)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “He turned up there with his burn book like a mean girl and he was salty and shady.” – Ashley Storey (06:24)
• “It’s quite a low bar being better than Boston Tea Party with its weak tea cold brewed in salty water. That was hipsterism gone mad for me.” – Andy Zaltzman (08:07)
• "Fifteenth cousin. That's basically about as much as any of us are related to Genghis Khan.” – Cindy Yu (10:31)
• "Proper old British tradition is you steal things and then put them on display in a museum." – Vittorio Angelone (27:54)
• "Hereditary peers could become herpes." – Vittorio Angelone (25:57)
• “If revenge is a dish best served cold, irony is a dish best served at a five course state banquet.” – Andy Zaltzman (15:33)

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Segment Timestamps for Reference

• 01:08 – Main introduction and King Charles satire begins
• 02:41 – Opening question: Which Brit made a splash in America?
• 04:09 – Political analysis of the King’s speech by Cindy Yu
• 06:24 – Panelist comedic barbs and burns about the state visit
• 09:46 – Trump’s family tree and social media antics
• 13:36 – Panel imagines “loaning” the Royals to America
• 14:56 – Imagined private palace conversations
• 17:19 – UK elections, SNP, and party breakdowns
• 22:02 – Parliament’s drinking problem
• 24:52 – Hereditary peers (“herpes” joke)
• 26:14 – Shoplifting, British tradition and modern methods
• 28:45 – Scores, satirical breaking news

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Conclusion

This episode exemplifies The News Quiz’s strengths: sharp satire, irreverent analysis, and lively rapport among panelists. The focus on King Charles III’s diplomatic debut in Trump’s America yields some of the episode’s most memorable lines but is kept buoyant with tangential forays into uniquely British topics (from political faux pas to the quirks of shoplifting). For listeners seeking clever, topical comedy, this is a quintessential installment.

Transcript

[Andy Zaltzman]

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[Vittorio Angelone]

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[Cindy Yu]

We.

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[Vittorio Angelone]

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[Vittorio Angelone]

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[Andy Zaltzman]

Is your long term relationship increasingly strained? Do you find that where once you could discuss difficult subjects with civility, now things tend to descend into mudslinging, name calling and petty insults? Are you worried that so many hurtful words have already been said between you that things will never quite be the same again? Then maybe you need a King Charles iii available for everything from behind closed doors, chats via potentially awkward double dates to full blown state banquets. A King Charles III can make everything seem okay again simply by talking in a soothingly royal, reassuringly neutral and ostentatiously unconfrontational manner. Price on application warning effects may wear off within days or hours. Not certified for use during actual negotiations. Su views whilst listening to the news quiz. Hello. To commemorate this week's historic meeting in Washington D.C. between the House of Windsor frontman and America's multiply convicted president, our two teams this week are Team King of the Castle and Team Dirty Rascal. On Team Castle, we have Ashley Storey and Vittorio angel. And on team rascal, simon evans and times columnist cindy yu. First question to Simon and Cindy. Which Brit made a big splash across the pond this week?

[Cindy Yu]

It must be Philip Barton, the former Permanent Secretary of the Foreign Office, in front of the Foreign Affairs Select Committee. I think all Americans were on tenterhooks, weren't they?

[Andy Zaltzman]

That's not what I'VE got written down

[Simon Evans]

here, but it's King Charles made a huge impact on the White House in Washington and an absolute triumph. People have commented on how well his jokes landed, how well judged the whole speech was and how comfortable he appeared in addressing Britain's current number one enemy. It has to be said, it's an extraordinarily brave and well judged and well rehearsed and well modulated speech in which he addressed and encouraged both those who wanted to see a closer union between our countries and those who just wanted to hear some jokes based on the Seven Years War, which you just don't hear much of these days on the BBC.

[Andy Zaltzman]

You open your Jongleurs set with us, quip about that.

[Simon Evans]

A number of extraordinary, well researched historical incidents. You know, the Boston Tea Party was referenced and they even managed to give Donald Trump a literal bell end as a gift without causing a diplomatic incident. Extraordinary. An absolute triumph.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Yes, because it was the bell that had HMS Trump.

[Simon Evans]

HMS Trump from a submarine. Yeah.

[Andy Zaltzman]

1944, which is also the year that Donald Trump last had a thought that wasn't about himself. I think a year before he was conceived. So what did you make of it as a political journalist, Cindy?

[Cindy Yu]

I thought he was much more direct than I expected. The whole speech was. Simon. You're right. I mean, he was quite funny, but it was also quite deeply sarcastic at times. He talked about importance of defending freedom in Europe as Ukraine is under attack. He talked about the Magna Carta.

[Simon Evans]

Do you think he was being sarcastic about that?

[Cindy Yu]

No, I don't think he was being sarcastic about that part. But then he was saying, you know, America's such good friends with us, we couldn't possibly imagine something like the Suez Canal crisis happening again.

[Andy Zaltzman]

So it's basically all about tone of voice, because he didn't do it. If he'd done it in the sarcastic tone of voice, it would have had quite a difficult.

[Cindy Yu]

Because he's so reassuringly, you know, gentlemen.

[Simon Evans]

It was when he kept saying lol.

[Cindy Yu]

Even the crying, laughing face emoji. But I think all of that was kind of lost on Trump, you know, the kind of direct indirectness of what he was saying. Although Congress does give him numerous standing ovations. And then Trump afterwards said, well, they liked you more than they liked me.

[Ashley Storey]

I wonder.

[Andy Zaltzman]

So it's a bombshell revelation that Donald Trump is not a master of nuance, but.

[Simon Evans]

It's the best nuance, the greatest nuance.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Vittorio, have you enjoyed the royal trip to America?

[Vittorio Angelone]

As a Catholic from Belfast, it's tough to say positive things about the King, but he did do a better job than I think a lot of people were expecting him to sort of maintaining that relationship while criticizing it. It was sort of a sibling relationship, you know, it's very similar to his relationship with his brother in a sense that he's also allegedly done lots of things.

[Andy Zaltzman]

So very load bearing, allegedly. There

[Vittorio Angelone]

I am, I start my tour in America in two days time and I have to go through the border in one day's time. And I'm just hoping that slightly before this gets broadcast.

[Ashley Storey]

I don't know if barter security are like, ooh, let's tune into Radio 4. It's the news quiz.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Well, I mean, they do like betting on the shipping forecast, but I don't know if that. Ashley, any particular highlights for you?

[Ashley Storey]

As a Catholic from Glasgow, it's very hard for me to say anything positive about KC3PO, but I. But it was great. He turned up there with his burn book like a mean girl and he was salty and shady. He threw all the tea and Trump didn't pick up on any of it because he's a gonk. So it was fantastic. It was. And also, like, I just love a Boston Tea Party burn. Like you don't get enough of them. And it was just. It was sick. I loved it.

[Vittorio Angelone]

I just realized, as Catholic from Belfast, Catholic from Glasgow, we've had the unfortunate choice between. And an orange man.

[Andy Zaltzman]

The King said that the state banquet was better than what, Ashley?

[Ashley Storey]

Better than the ones his mum used to make him go to where they eat people. Cause they're lizards.

[Cindy Yu]

Do you lizards eat people?

[Ashley Storey]

No, but lizard people eat people.

[Vittorio Angelone]

Come on, Cindy, come on.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Correct on said. The King said the state banquet was better than what?

[Simon Evans]

Happy hour at Wetherspoons?

[Cindy Yu]

I thought it was a pizza. Expressing Woking.

[Vittorio Angelone]

Is the answer a kick in the balls?

[Andy Zaltzman]

Well, I mean, not directly, but I mean, I guess the subtext. The subtext, yeah. He said a very considerable improvement on the Boston Tea Party, which was very much a kick in the balls metaphor.

[Vittorio Angelone]

A political kick in the balls.

[Andy Zaltzman]

I believe that's how that was described at the time. I mean, it's quite a low bar being better than Boston Tea Party with its weak tea cold brewed in salty water. That was hipsterism gone mad for me. But.

[Cindy Yu]

And look how they come crawling back to the British monarchy now.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Well, I'm thinking that's what Brexit was all about, wasn't it? We're taking bookings again, we're getting the old band back together.

[Simon Evans]

He went on after that as well. Didn't know it better than the Boston Tea Party. But seriously, whether you're drinking tea or wine or Scotch whisky or bourbon,

[Andy Zaltzman]

I

[Simon Evans]

mean, that seemed to me the most direct insult to Trump's face. Or cola, like a child might be.

[Andy Zaltzman]

The day after the banquet, Trump was back on social media, posting an image of himself holding. What anyone.

[Cindy Yu]

Is it a stethoscope? Because he loves dressing up as a doctor.

[Andy Zaltzman]

I didn't see that one, but I don't see all of his son media. Anyone else?

[Ashley Storey]

A rare golden laboboo. He's a collector. Everyone knows it.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Right, but not correct.

[Simon Evans]

It was a submachine gun, wasn't it?

[Andy Zaltzman]

It was a machine gun.

[Vittorio Angelone]

Yeah.

[Simon Evans]

Gangster style machine gun. He'd gone back to negotiations with Iran, which are conducted on a slightly different timbre.

[Andy Zaltzman]

I mean, his social media output's quite unorthodox, Vittorio, isn't it?

[Vittorio Angelone]

Unorthodox is certainly a word for it. It's. I mean, it's so unorthodox that he built his own social media platform so that he could be so outrageous with sort of impunity, which is, I mean, impressive entrepreneurship on a level, but just.

[Cindy Yu]

But the best thing that he posted on his Truth Social this week was this Daily Mail family tree. I don't know how many of you saw it, but the Daily Mail sent one of its journalists to trace Trump's family tree all the way back to a 15th century Scottish king and found that actually Trump is a 15th cousin of. Of King Charles. And Trump. Posted. Wow, that's nice. I've always wanted to live in Buckingham Palace. I'll talk to the King and Queen about this in a few minutes. So that's one thing that we know that they did talk about behind closed doors and in the same family tree also found that Trump was related to the Danish royal family as well. So we have the Daily Mail to thank when in a few months time, Trump's claiming Greenland by birthright.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Fifteenth cousin. That's quite.

[Cindy Yu]

It's basically about as much as any of us are related to Genghis Khan.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Right. Well, I mean, his Scottish roots we do see often in, for example, his love of walls across southern borders, His love of unhealthy food, and above all, his face care regime, which involves bathing his face in a vat of iron brew.

[Ashley Storey]

Very good for you.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Yes, he posted a picture of himself wielding a machine gun, a privilege so cruelly denied him in the Vietnam War due to his own tragically timed minor injury problems. And he also Posted no more Mr. Nice Guy. Apologies if you missed the Mr. Nice Guy interlude. Still waiting for clarification on exactly when that was. We will let you know as soon as possible. Is this the future of democracy? Basically just smartly dressed and heavily disguised snark. Is this, is this where humanity is going?

[Ashley Storey]

I mean, that's essentially every Real Housewives franchise as well. And then I was thinking about it and I was like, it kind of would make an amazing Real Housewives of like colonialism episode with Charles and Camilla and Donald and Melania. And they're all sat around the table and this is gonna take, you know, a lot about Real Housewives, but Trump's like, the only thing fake about me is my toupee. And he slams it down on the table. And then Melania's just staring into the distance blankly. Cause her back's rescue remedy hasn't worn off yet. It'd be great. I can't. I think that if we're gonna go down this route of politics means nothing anymore, then let's make it really mean nothing by getting Andy Cohen involved to host a reunion dinner. That's all I'm saying.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Yeah, I mean, it's a bit of a change in tone from Trump as well. A few days before the royal visit, Reuters reported that America was reviewing its position on the Falkland Islands as punishment for Britain failing to obey him, basically in the Iran war. Look, I know 80s nostalgia is all the rage these days, but I don't think that's a bit that anyone wants back, is it, Simon?

[Simon Evans]

I don't remember America. I mean, it's always like a retrofit, isn't it? The whole special relationship thing. I don't remember the task force being accompanied by a significant flotilla from America. I think it's all been rewritten, that stuff. It's crap. There hasn't been a decent special relationship since maybe 1918, I think.

[Ashley Storey]

No, there hasn't been a special relationship since the Prime Minister, Hugh Grant, pulled up the President of America sexually harassing that tea lady who wasn't fat in the slightest.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Martin McCu.

[Simon Evans]

The trouble with that passage in which is love actually, isn't it? Yeah. Is it set the bar too high for the degree of spine that could be actually shown by an incumbent British Prime Minister.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Is there an argument now, given the calming effect that King Charles seemed to have on Trump, that we should just leave the King in America on loan? No.

[Cindy Yu]

Maybe like a six month course of royals. So after the King comes back, he can then send William, he can then send Kate, he can Send kids one by one. Princess Anne. I reckon he'd love Princess Anne.

[Vittorio Angelone]

Is this the first case of, like, geopolitical man marking?

[Cindy Yu]

Why don't we send Andrew?

[Vittorio Angelone]

I think they've met before.

[Cindy Yu]

Allegedly.

[Andy Zaltzman]

So the public facing side of the state visit was in many ways the easy part. Dress up smart, read the autocue, don't mention the Waugh or the Jeffrey. But the question is, what was said and done behind closed doors. Now, through the undercover BBC intern in the White House, Scott, disguised as a house plant. Glad to get some use out of Gary Lineker while he works out his contract. We have full details of everything that happened away from the cameras. I've got the details here. In fact, we do know they played a game of Battleships, the new Iran edition. Big win for Charles, helped by the fact that he had so few ships they just basically couldn't be found. And all the big dons were crammed into the Strait of Hormu. So it's quite an easy win for Charles there. But can our panelists tell me what Charles and Trump and Melania and Camilla said in private, away from the cameras?

[Ashley Storey]

Camilla and Melania shared tips on how best to fake a migraine. I think Camilla said to Melania, blink three times if you need help. Melania winked twice. And then Camilla was like, I don't know what that means. And she doesn't know if it's because her face is froze full of Botox and filler.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Pretty close. Vittoria.

[Vittorio Angelone]

I think Trump just spent a lot of time asking, where's the best place to get a crown fitted?

[Andy Zaltzman]

Well, I'll give the points to Ashley for that. You're basically word for word correct there.

[Ashley Storey]

Thank you.

[Andy Zaltzman]

To summarize, King Charles is the second British monarch to address the Congress. Almost 250 years after America binned off his great, great, great, great, great grandfather because they viewed him as tyrannical, arrogant, egotistical, lacking in empathy, exploiting America for his own financial enrichment. So if revenge is a dish best served cold, irony is a dish best served at a five course state banquet.

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[Vittorio Angelone]

Hey, everyone, check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?

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Oh, no, we help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.

[Vittorio Angelone]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

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Anyways, get a [e-mail] or with your local agent.

[Vittorio Angelone]

Liberty Liberty. Liberty Liberty.

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[Ashley Storey]

My pregnancy test. It's a really old fashioned one.

[Vittorio Angelone]

You need a PCR pregnancy test the first round of the NBA playoffs.

[Andy Zaltzman]

That is the kind of answer that I like and it's factually true.

[Vittorio Angelone]

Factually true. And that's what I'm all about.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Right, okay, that's good. I'll give you a point for a fact and an extra point for mentioning a sport unnecessarily. So you're shown perfectly on your first appearance.

[Simon Evans]

I mean, it's obviously going to be. I mean, I'm a little bit stummied on the rules on this, but we're talking about a series of elections, correct? It's councils, isn't it in England?

[Andy Zaltzman]

In England it's councils, actually. What's the political mood in Scotland? As you know, there's a national election about to take place.

[Ashley Storey]

Easy breezy, everybody's chill, nobody's angry at each other. But yeah, it's looking like the SNP are gonna stay where they are at the top of the list. They don't fix potholes. I don't really care about anything right now other than potholes and nobody's fixing them. And I was thinking of becoming a vigilante and calling myself the hole filler and just going about and if yous want to join me in that, we could start a movement. But SNP first and then in the kind of second place. It looks like a tie up maybe in the polls between Labour and Reform, but Reform are having a lot of problems just now in Scotland. They keep losing candidates. One of them had to drop out because she tweeted something bad. Who hasn't? One of them dropped out because he supported her tweeting something bad. Who hasn't? One of them dropped out because he'd stole money from the COVID thing and put it in his own bank account. Who hasn't? And two of them dropped out because it was an accident and they weren't meant to be on the ballot at all. So fingers crossed that they can hold on. But the leader of Reform Scotland, his name is Offord, which sounds like a Handmaid's tale name. Oh, Sister Offord, better be your fruit.

[Vittorio Angelone]

That's bizarre about the tweets, meaning people have to stand down from the Reform Party. I thought sort of that was an entry requirement for Reform.

[Andy Zaltzman]

You've tweeted something bad now, Vittorio. So you're from Northern Ireland, live in London. Now, looking at the state, I think that makes you purely neutral on everything. How do you see the state?

[Vittorio Angelone]

Well, it's quite nice in England at the minute because it's always been very confusing coming from Belfast, moving over to England, sort of. It's a very different political system. But you very kindly sort of shifted to have the two parties that are in the ascendancy at the minute be Green and blue. So I can really make sense of

[Andy Zaltzman]

that a lot more.

[Vittorio Angelone]

As to. Basically, the Green Party are Catholic and Reformer Protestant party. And I know who I will be voting for.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Cindy, what do you. We're in a uniquely stroppy state across the whole uk. In fact, according the official National Stroppiness Index is a record 16.43 harrumphs on the Tunbridge Wells scale it's ever been. And basically none of the parties are particular sort of popular, really.

[Cindy Yu]

No, none of them are popular, but some of them are more popular than they were before. And so they can kind of be a bit happier than the rest. You know, as Vittoria says, the Greens and Reform are clearly on the. The up and it's. I mean, it's just incredible. We're talking about reform in Scotland. Notwithstanding their problems, the fact that they might even be in second place is absolutely remarkable. The fact that the Greens might take a few of the Labour's strongholds in London is absolutely remarkable as well. A cabinet minister told the Sunday Times on the weekend that 1,500 council seats was the threshold to lose for the Labour Party, at which point the Labour Party would have a collective nervous breakdown, while the pollsters are now saying it's 1900. So I think we're heading for nervous breakdown territory and what I call Christmas for journalists, actually.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Well, one week to go now until the national elections in Scotland and Wales. And in England, the most eagerly awaited local. Let me rephrase that the least uneagerly awaited local elections for a little bit of a while. Opinion polls are showing no parties above 30% in the UK as a whole, nor in Wales specifically, only the SNP above 20 odd percent in Scotland and even then only at 35%, much down from their vote share in the 2021 election. So next Thursday's ballot seems set to result in a resounding. In other British political news, recently elected Green MP Hannah Spencer said MPs do a surprising amount of what in Parliament work.

[Simon Evans]

Well, it's boozing, isn't it? Almost a bit too on the nose as a sort of self satire. The first like high profile Green MP since they became popular goes into piles of Parliament and immediately starts scolding people. I, I haven't been in the House of Commons, I don't know how pissed they are on a regulation but I do think this, this country has drifted towards the sort of nanny state mentality at all going extent on this, this kind of issue. Also I did, I mean if they do have an important committee meeting or something, in all seriousness, they probably should remain reasonably sober for it. But she said that they shouldn't drink before they have to vote. No MPs choose how they vote. She misunderstands the entire system. They are essentially automatons once they're into the voting procedure. Unless they're going to get whipped and that is obviously you probably want to have a drink before that as well, wouldn't you?

[Andy Zaltzman]

Having heard many politicians talking when sober, the last thing you'd want is to have them voting whilst in command of their faculty.

[Cindy Yu]

I mean Donald Trump's the teetotaler. That's not done him any good.

[Andy Zaltzman]

That is a literally sobering thought. What do you. I mean, are they drinking enough or.

[Vittorio Angelone]

The problem for me is that the bars in Parliament are subsidized. That's in central London and it isn't like some Wetherspoons on the outskirts where you can get like a doom bar that's about to go off for £4 99. A Guinness is £4 50. I'm running for election.

[Simon Evans]

The obvious solution is to actually sell the franchise. Two Wetherspoons and then you kill two birds with one stone. I love because Tim Martin does up lots of great old buildings as well. Weather spoons. Many, many weather spoons are in places that would otherwise have been demolished, which is very much the fate which hangs over there. House of Commons at the moment. So it really, it could be a perfect.

[Vittorio Angelone]

It's a good name For a pub, the Houses of Parliament.

[Ashley Storey]

William Pitt the Younger was advised by his doctor to drink port for his health. He reportedly drank a bottle before breakfast, another before tea and a third before supper. And then he vomited behind the Speaker's chair. While in the House of Commons, George Brown, who was the Foreign secretary in the 1960s, would get so absolutely off his boobs that private. I coined the euphemism tired and emotional to describe. And he supposedly approached a tall figure in a red dress and asked for a dance, only to be told, I cannot dance with you because you're drunk. This is the national anthem and I am the Cardinal Archbishop of Lima.

[Andy Zaltzman]

We've all been there. Another Parliament related question. What will not be happening ever again in Parliament?

[Vittorio Angelone]

Is this the hereditary peers thing?

[Andy Zaltzman]

Yes.

[Vittorio Angelone]

Which sounds like it's a sort of ailment that you get from your parents. Sorry, I can't make it. I've got hereditary peers.

[Ashley Storey]

It's like how I got autism off my dad. Nep. Autism.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Outstanding work. Emptied. I mean, is it slightly ironic in this week in which we're glorying in one relic of medieval feudalism in America, we've ditched another.

[Cindy Yu]

Yeah, but we ditched quite a few of them in one go, haven't we? Because there were 92 left over from the 1999 reforms which abolished most of the hereditary peers. But then you read into the small print, you realize, actually at least 15 of these hereditary peers that have been abolished this week will remain as live peers in the House. So they're actually really hard to get rid of. It's been 30 years trying to get rid of them, or a thousand, depending on which way you start counting, and dozens of them are still going to remain as life peers. It's like, harder to get rid of than herpes.

[Vittorio Angelone]

That could be a shortening of those two words. Hereditary peers could become herpes.

[Andy Zaltzman]

The Prime Minister gave a speech in which he claimed the tide could be turning on what?

[Ashley Storey]

The tide is turning on shoplifting, Correct?

[Andy Zaltzman]

Yes.

[Ashley Storey]

Oh, I love shoplifters. No, it's bad, but, you know, it's a part of the world. I was in Brixton. I stay in Brixton when I come to London because I like to feel at home. And it is the closest to Glasgow I felt in London. And I was looking for the Sainsbury's and the top review for the Sainsbury's on Google was five stars, great for shoplifting. And I went in and there was a man literally shoving Haribo in his pocket and I was like they're right, it is great for shop London. But I like when they steal the meat and then try and sell you out the front. Does that not happen here?

[Cindy Yu]

I was actually a store manager for Lidl for about half a year. We caught a shoplifter once. It was like, you know, almost £100 worth. Screaming us, swearing at us, all this sort of stuff. Then as she walks out of the store, she goes, I'm never shopping here again.

[Simon Evans]

I think that the key is that what's changed though I agree with you, shoplifting is part of British culture and it's definitely a rite of passage. And it may surprise you to learn that despite my wealth and privilege, I indulged a little bit in shoplifting in Woolworths.

[Ashley Storey]

Oh, you have to get your kick.

[Simon Evans]

You gotta get your kick. Exactly. It's an adrenaline rush. But there used to be at least the pretense that you were trying to actually conceal your activity. That's what's changed. Right? You used to have to go look a badger and then grab a load of pigment. But yeah, we used to have to try and pocket it. Now there's none of this. Just like making eye contact with the store staff as you do it. And that I think is off.

[Vittorio Angelone]

Well, you say, I think that's like recent tradition, but like proper old British tradition is you steal things and then put them on display in a museum. But the problem is they make shoplifting so easy nowadays. Like I was in Tesco on the way here because of the self service check out, you can just sort of weigh whatever you want and then sort of as long as it weighs roughly the same. Like on the way here I was picking up like sort of an assortment of loose carrots, just a few kilograms and it's like, I don't know,

[Andy Zaltzman]

I do like a prop in a radio show.

[Simon Evans]

The irony is you've got carver and champagne which exactly the same.

[Andy Zaltzman]

The Prime Minister took some time out from his hectic schedule of failing to engage with the voting public to make a speech on the contemporary social scourge that is shoplifting. Current anti shoplifting measures have proved ineffective. These have included putting cardboard cutouts of a disappointed looking Rachel Reeves by the door. Ray Winston voiced PA announcements and nailing potato waffles to the ceiling. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's news quiz. So our winners are Cindy and Simon with 12, Ashley and Vittorio have 11. And just some breaking news reaching us amidst continuing concern about the inadequacy of Britain's defence spending and the ballooning welfare budget, of which pensions is the biggest part. The government has just announced that all pensioners will be redeployed to the armed forces. Thank you for listening to the news Qu? Until next time. Goodbye. Taking part in the newsfeed were Ashley Story, Simon Evans, Vittorio Angelone and Cindy Yu. In the chair was me, Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Matt Hume, Hilary Morgan, Joe Topping and Angela Channel. The producer was Georgia Keating and it was a BBC studios production for radio. Political language can seem archaic. It's like the light from one of those stars that actually died. Sometimes bamboozly.

[Cindy Yu]

It's a theme park with a five foot log flume.

[Simon Evans]

From one thought to another and very often beyond words.

[Andy Zaltzman]

I don't know how to describe the language they use. I'm Armando Iannucci. I'm all reset and turbocharged. To stress test, to destruction. Used and abused buzzwords and phrases from the world of politics. I come with a dazzling array of guest presenters and I'll be exploring the verbal tricks of the political trade, the intentions behind them them and the effect they have on all of us. The new series of Strong Message. Here with me, Amanda Yannucci from BBC Radio 4. Listen now on BBC Science.

[Vittorio Angelone]

Mountain view equipment and sonicide.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Comprend? Mountain view equipment.

[Vittorio Angelone]

Mountain View Equipment. Contiguan

[Andy Zaltzman]

Les riciones

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[Vittorio Angelone]

Hey, everyone, check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?

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[Vittorio Angelone]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

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[Vittorio Angelone]

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