The News Quiz: Ep4. The people have spoken

Summary

The News Quiz: Ep4. The People Have Spoken

Podcast: Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4
Date: May 15, 2026
Host: Andy Zaltzman
Panel: Geoff Norcott, Rachel Fairburn, Lucy Porter, Hugo Rifkind

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Overview

This lively episode, recorded before the full results of the local elections are known, delivers the signature satirical commentary of "The News Quiz." The comedians deftly lampoon UK political parties, leaders, the culture of expectation management, Reform's rise, and the general confused state of the nation. Hot off the election cycle, the episode blends sharp wit with weary cynicism, skewering everything from party logos and political strategy to the Met Gala. The show also marks Sir David Attenborough's 100th birthday, finding comedy even in this national treasure's celebrated legacy.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Election Results & Expectation Management

• The panel discusses the strategic “expectation management” by Labour to soften the blow of projected losses.

  • Hugo Rifkind: Labour has “been engaged really heavily in expectation management...You talk up the scale of the defeat so in the end, whatever happens doesn’t look so bad.” (03:27)
  • Notable metaphor: “It’s like...you’ve got a bit of a cold and the doctor goes, ‘It’s bad. You’ve only got a day to live.’ And you’re like, ‘Oh, no.’ And he goes, ‘no, no, no, I’m only kidding. You’ve got a week to live. Feels better now.’” (03:36)

• Observations on early results:

  • Labour losing councils and councillors, Reform and Greens gaining but with complex vote swapping.
  • Many councils report "no overall control."
    • Andy Zaltzman: "She feels very British." (04:02)
    • Hugo Rifkind: “It’s also what they’re saying about Kier Starmer’s bladder today, I think: no overall control.” (04:03)

• Geoff Norcott jokes about incomplete data metaphors:

  • “If you were doing a jigsaw and you’d done the bottom right corner and you could just see the words ‘RMS Titanic’...you’re not going to think it might be a lovely picture of kittens…” (05:01)

• Panel mocks Labour Leader Keir Starmer’s stubbornness:

  • Lucy Porter: “To be that disliked and be so defiant…I would crumble. I’m a comedian, I need people to like me.” (09:15)
  • On Starmer’s alleged timetable for departure: “7:00am Breakfast. 7:30 emails. 7:35. Piss off.” (09:36)

2. Party Leadership, Personalities, and Metaphors

• Keir Starmer: Compared to Rick Astley (“Never gonna give you up…”), ridiculed for unpopularity and party unrest.

  • Geoff Norcott: “You have to say you’d have a pity shag with all the other political leaders out there.” (05:58)

• Conservatives:

  • Rachel Fairburn: “It’s sort of weird that people are still saying it’s like saying Blockbuster Video had a tricky first quarter.” (06:58)
  • Discussion about “youth-friendly” social media moments (fire emojis), but “no one knows who anyone is, beyond Kemi Badenoch…” (07:05)
  • Party frontbenchers compared to beige or outdated furniture: “He’s like if Beige was a politician…” (07:33)

• Lib Dems:

  • Rachel Fairburn: “They’d always be around about 12%...even if Ed Davey dropkick a puppy on live television.” (12:51)
  • Hugo Rifkind: “They always remind me of a kid …with a steering wheel, but no one’s put any money in…That’s the Lib Dems. They think it’s about them. It’s never about them.” (13:16)

• Reform Party:

  • Praised for tactical branding:
    • Rachel Fairburn: “Reform do have the best logo...a little arrow that points to the box. That’s genius.” (08:41)
  • Style of Farage’s speech considered influential:
    • Rachel Fairburn: “There’s just a rhythm in it…goes up every third word for no reason. He sometimes looks like he’s heading an imaginary football.” (14:14)

3. Satirical Election Recap

• Andy Zaltzman delivers a surreal summary:

  "A primeval yowl of confused frustration, reminiscent of a lost marathon runner in a pumpkin outfit who's got his foot stuck in a bear trap...trying to sing Ace of Spades...but can't remember the lyrics...” (20:40)

• Vivid metaphors for the country's confusing political landscape, including “Jackson Pollock would have looked at [it] and said, nah, that’s a little too messy, stick that in the bin and start again.” (21:15)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote / Memorable Moment | |-----------|-------------------|--------------------------------------------------------| | 03:27 | Hugo Rifkind | “Labour's been engaged really heavily in expectation management...If you go to your doctor and you've got a bit of a cold and the doctor goes, ‘It's bad. You've only got a day to live.’” | | 05:01 | Geoff Norcott | “If you were doing a jigsaw and you'd done the bottom right corner and you could just see the words RMS Titanic...you’re not going to think it might be a lovely picture of kittens…” | | 06:58 | Rachel Fairburn | “It's like saying Blockbuster Video had a tricky first quarter...” | | 09:36 | Lucy Porter | “I would love to see that timetable. 7:00am Breakfast. 7:30 emails. 7:35. Piss off.”| | 12:51 | Rachel Fairburn | "If Ed Davey dropkick a puppy on live television, they [Lib Dems] would still be around about 12%." | | 13:16 | Hugo Rifkind | "[Lib Dems] remind me of a kid...driving like one of those video games with a steering wheel, but no one’s put any money in and they just think they're in control.” | | 20:40 | Andy Zaltzman | “A primeval yowl of confused frustration, reminiscent of a lost marathon runner in a pumpkin outfit who’s got his foot stuck in a bear trap in a forest he can’t remember entering...” | | 23:01 | Rachel Fairburn | (On Met Gala protest) “Protest, wasn’t it? There’s a protest because apparently they're not letting Amazon workers go for a wee. So the protesters had 200 bottles of wee and they put it around there.”| | 27:07 | Geoff Norcott | (On Attenborough) “He obviously could get a telegram off the King now, but to be honest, I think the King should get a telegram off him because he's better.”| | 28:20 | Geoff Norcott | “Another one was a parasitic wasp. It's like, yeah, I'll just have a voucher, thanks.”|

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Noteworthy Segments (Timestamps)

• Labour Expectation Management & Early Election Analysis: (03:27–06:58)
• Party Leadership & Satirical Metaphors: (06:58–13:43)
• Farage, Reform, and Party Branding: (08:41–10:13, 14:01–16:28)
• Election Summary & Satire: (20:40–22:00)
• Met Gala Protest & Amazon Wee Bottles: (23:01–24:36)
• Attenborough's 100th Birthday: (27:02–28:57)
• Nature Documentaries & Naming Species: (28:20–28:57)

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The Met Gala Protest and Social Satire

• Protest at the Met Gala: Amazon workers and supporters protested by bringing 200 bottles of (fake) urine, a reference to working conditions in warehouses.

  • Rachel Fairburn: “The problem is 200 bottles of weed does sound like a dress made by Vivienne Westwood and Lady Gaga.” (23:01)

• High fashion and class satire:

  • Lucy Porter: "People dress stupid at the Met Gala and it's, you know, oh, this is high fashion, this is iconic. But then people get the darts and they're common as muck." (24:22)

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David Attenborough’s 100th Birthday

• Panel pays tongue-in-cheek homage, contesting which species are named after him, making light of the trend of immortalising Attenborough with odd animal names, and satirising his iconic status:
  • Geoff Norcott: “He obviously could get a telegram off the King now, but to be honest, I think the King should get a telegram off him because he’s better.” (27:07)
  • Rachel Fairburn: “One of them is called the Indonesian flightless weevil. If I was Attenborough, I’d be like you mugging me off. I’m David Attenborough, mate...” (27:40)

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Closing Notes

• The final scores are tight; Geoff and Rachel narrowly best Lucy and Hugo.
• Andy Zaltzman provides a signature blend of wry conclusions and cricket metaphors.
• The show's spirit is encapsulated in its relentless, lighthearted skewering of the week's events and Britain's perpetual political confusion.

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Summary produced for those who missed the episode or want a quick yet rich recap of its best satire, sharp analysis, and irreverent banter.

Transcript

[Andy Zaltzman]

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[Andy Zaltzman]

Tired of overpaying with DirecTV? Dish offers a reliable low price every month without surprises. Get the TV you love and start watching live sports news and the latest movies, plus your favorite streaming apps all in one place. Switch to DISH today and lock in the lowest price in satellite TV, starting at $89.99 a month with our two year price guarantee. Call 888, add dish or visit dish.com today. Hello, I am Andy Zaltzman. Ahead of this week's election special News Quiz, I am commemorating the 100th birthday of Sir David Attenborough by hiding in some undergrowth at Labour Party headquarters, trying to find at least some sign of life. Nothing as of yet, but as Sir David would testify, you sometimes have to be patient when trying to catch sight of endangered species. Very patient. Oh, I think that might have been west street making a move. No, no, it was a lemming, the party's new mascot. Anyway, whilst we wait for something definitive, here is the News Quiz. Hello, welcome to the News Quiz. I am Andy Zoltzman. We are recording before most of the results of Thursday's elections are known, but we do know some of the results. Plus it's 2026. Partially informed speculation is all the rage. In fact, it's way above average. If anything, our teams this week, in tribute to the state of the traditional political powerhouses of British politics, we have Team Rock Bottom against Team Paper and Scissors didn't do too well either on Team Rock we have Geoff Norcott and Rachel Fairbairn, And on team paper scissors, lucy porter. And from the times, hugo rifk. So, question one to Hugo and Lucy. The people have spoken. We admittedly don't know yet quite what all of them have said, but based on what we do know. What did they say?

[Hugo Rifkind]

What's been really interesting over the last few weeks, really, is Labour's been engaged really heavily in expectation management, as in, you talk up the scale of the defeat, so in the end, whatever happens doesn't look so bad. It's like if you go to your doctor and you've got a bit of a cold and the doctor goes, it's bad. You've only got a day to live. And you're like, oh, no. And he goes, no, no, no, I'm only kidding. You've got a week to live. Feels better now. So far, what do we know? We know Labour is losing lots of councils and councillors reform and the Greens are mainly only getting councillors. They've got a couple of councils mainly. We're hearing a lot of no overall control, which is.

[Andy Zaltzman]

She feels very British.

[Hugo Rifkind]

No overall control. It's also what they're saying about Kirsten was bladders today, I think, no overall control. Although if you stress it differently, it becomes no overall control. Sounds like what? A lot of the Greens wear reform are winning some councils, they've won one London council which is deranged. No, sorry, not deranged. Havering. I think the really important thing to remember is that what the results are going to look like is Labour losing a lot and reform picking up a lot. But that doesn't mean that Labour's losing voters, that reform are picking up because Labour's actually losing votes to the Greens and Reforms getting votes for the Conservatives. But just in the maths, there's no comedy in this.

[Andy Zaltzman]

It's just really important.

[Hugo Rifkind]

The main thing I've been really enjoying is the names of the various wards around the countries, because each council, you know, you vote in your ward and in. In Portsmouth, I just learned just now, there is a. There is a Charles Dickens ward in Portsmouth. Sounds like a little orphan girl. There you go. That's what we've learned.

[Geoff Norcott]

Yeah. I mean, it is kind of weird because we're obviously at that stage where all the politicians are saying, well, you know, like Labour going, well, we can't see the full picture yet, and seeing how long they can get away with saying that, it's like, well, we haven't got all the pieces of the jigsaw and it's like, yeah, but if you were doing a jigsaw and you'd done the bottom right corner and you could just see the words RMS Titanic, you're not going to think it might be a lovely picture of some kittens we don't know. So, yeah, not predicted to be a great night for Labour. Keir Starmer said he's not going anywhere. He's very much Rick Astley. Never going to give you up, never going to let you down. I mean, not looking great for him. I mean, you know, I have a reserve of affection for Keir Starmer, even though.

[Hugo Rifkind]

No, but you have a calendar.

[Geoff Norcott]

I do. Do you know what, though? A few years ago, if you'd said that me and Starmer were going to have a pity shag, I would have thought it would be because he felt sorry for me. Things have changed.

[Andy Zaltzman]

I think, for. For the sake of balance, you've got to say you'd have a pity shag with all the other political leaders out there.

[Geoff Norcott]

I mean, do you want me to go in order of preference? And, you know, there's all this stuff about, oh, he's not going to go anywhere. And, you know, David Lammy saying, oh, you don't change the pilot mid flight. He's like, well, you do if the pilot set the controls to sort of nose dive into the nearest open sewer. I think you might wrestle with a control, but, yeah, no, it's not looking. He's sort of in that position where everybody's sort of saying, we have great confidence in him, but, you know, they're just waiting, waiting for the next thing to come. It's like when you're at a party and you're talking to someone and they're constantly looking over your shoulder for someone more interesting. He's kind of in that situation at the minute. So, yeah, not a great night for them. I mean, who knows? Lib Dems, Everyone was saying, oh, they're going to have a good night in London. We'll see if that pans. I mean, to me, it just made me think, what is Ed Davies idea of a good night in London? Probably a couple of pints at the Wetherspoons in Waterloo after he's been water skiing up the Thames, I'd imagine.

[Rachel Fairburn]

The Tories. It's funny with the Tories, when they say the Tories have done badly. It's sort of weird that people are still saying it. It's like saying Blockbuster Video had a tricky first quarter. That's sort of. Oh, that's still going, is it? They just don't Kemi Bednock. She's done a lot better at PMQs. Right. But that's just like, clips, you know, like, she's. Well, we're not. We won't get back to power, but a lot of the kids are using fire emojis on her clips. It's not that no one knows who anyone is, beyond Kemi Badenoch, because Meryl Stride is the Shadow Chancellor. Just a little bit of information to digest.

[Geoff Norcott]

He's like, if Beige was a politician, isn't he?

[Rachel Fairburn]

Well, he's sort of like, he's less famous than the guy in the cravat that sits in Select Committee meetings. Preeti Patel is still knocking about, which is like finding out. Take that as still touring. You're like, oh, right, they're still. They're still Claire Coutinho. They've got somebody called Claire Coutinho, which just sounds like a range of bespoke curtains. So, like, it's. I think they got back a couple of councils so far in London, but it's sort of. They're in the realms of, well, we're less shit than last time, you know, Which I guess is growth.

[Hugo Rifkind]

Cammy Badenoch's been speaking this morning, Some actual breaking news. She says she can see signs of renewal and she said. She's also said our strategy is working. Good, Dear.

[Geoff Norcott]

That's the opposite of Breaking Bad. With the Tories. It's hard as well, because you don't know who's reformed now. So Suella Braverman was saying, oh, Nigel Farage is going to be the next Prime Minister. And I was like, well, that's a weird thing for a Tory to. Oh, no, she's not anymore, is she? So I find that sort of intriguing.

[Rachel Fairburn]

Can we just say that Reform do have the best logo? Because I was looking down the thing and they're not my cup of tea, but they have a little arrow that points to the box. That's genius. The Conservatives thing doesn't even look conservative. It's a little tree and you wouldn't even associate that with being Conservative.

[Geoff Norcott]

They should just have a little pair of boobs or something that people like

[Rachel Fairburn]

Zach Polanski would have a pair of boobs and they would get bigger in front of your very eyes. That's right, because that's how he's going to save the economy. Polanski. We're going to sit down together and hum.

[Lucy Porter]

Part of me thinks, with Keir Starmer refusing to go, I find it quite incredible. Like, I admire it in a way, because to be that disliked and be so defiant in, I would crumble. I'm a comedian. I need people to like me. It's pathetic. And I actually read that some MPs are so unhappy with him and he's so unpopular that they're thinking about presenting him with a timetable for his departure. I would love to see that timetable. 7:00am Breakfast. 7:30 emails. 7:35. Piss off.

[Rachel Fairburn]

It's actually Ed Miliband that sat him down as well. How galling must that be? Ed Miliband? It's like a battle of the people with the most irritating voices in politics. Ed Miliband just puts a hand on your knee and go, I think you've had enough, haven't you?

[Andy Zaltzman]

Well, it's what you need in politics. You need someone to support you and treat you like a brother.

[Geoff Norcott]

I'd actually quite like it if Ed Miller Band became leader and won, because I think it might reset the timeline.

[Rachel Fairburn]

What sort of marvel. Doomsday event.

[Geoff Norcott]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're back in 2015. It's amazing, you know, Alan Rickman's still alive. My knees still work. At the incredible.

[Andy Zaltzman]

England are about to win the Ashes. Awesome. Fully on board.

[Rachel Fairburn]

I mean, it was. What Hugo said was absolutely right. The expectation management. It doesn't change the reality of the thing, does it? If I said to my wife, like, babe, we're going to have a night out, it's going to be bad. Not all of us are going to survive tonight. Starmer hanging on in there. He come out. He's already done a speech, hasn't he, where he said that if he left,

[Andy Zaltzman]

it would plunge the country into chaos.

[Rachel Fairburn]

It's so cute that he thinks we're not already there, is he?

[Lucy Porter]

I mean, yeah, it is chaos. I shouldn't be surprised when a hand dryer works that. That's the level.

[Andy Zaltzman]

When is it? When he said, I am not going anywhere. Is this not a rare example of a politician being brutally honest? That's part of the problem, isn't it?

[Geoff Norcott]

You know, the alternatives, because, I mean, Wes Streeting and Angela Rayner, you know, not massively more popular. It'd be like sort of having a broken toilet seat and switching it for a sort of plank with splinters in it. It's like, you'll get a pain in the ass one way or another. And then Andy Burnham, of course, they're like, well, we've got to wait for Andy Burnham to find a safe Labour seat, which. Good luck with that.

[Rachel Fairburn]

I mean, if they lose Wales, that would be particularly remiss. Wouldn't it?

[Hugo Rifkind]

Well, it's massive and it's right there.

[Rachel Fairburn]

Yeah. It would be like Radio 4 losing the Archers to Talk Sport. You go

[Geoff Norcott]

read somewhere. If they lose Wales, it'll be the first time to plight. It will be the first time a pro independence party has controlled Wales since the 13th century. Which things very different back then. People worrying about affordable castles, trying to get their foot on the plague ladder, which bin it is. Green for plague victims, brown for leprosy.

[Hugo Rifkind]

Scotland's been fun as well, because Labour a while ago, a long while ago, because the SNP had been in power in Scotland for so long, Labour had really, really high hopes of taking control in Scotland. But then they're now led by Anasawa, who like six months ago said that Keir Starmer should resign, which meant he now has to go into an election basically defending a Prime Minister who he doesn't think should be there, which has gone about as well as you would really expect it to go, I think. Yeah.

[Rachel Fairburn]

The Lib Dems have just had yet another very Lib Demi nothing. They'd always be around about 12%, won't they? No matter what happens if Ed Davey dropkick a puppy on live television, they would still be around about 12%. I'm beginning to think they don't exist. Any Lib Dems in there? You go two.

[Andy Zaltzman]

We can edit them out.

[Hugo Rifkind]

It goes up and down, but it's never anything to do with them. It's like when the other parties are popular, the Lib Dem vote goes down and when the other parties are unpopular, the Lib Dem vote goes up and they think that. They always remind me of, like when you see a kid in the service station driving like one of those video games with a steering wheel, but no one's put any money in and they just think they're in control. That's the Lib Dems. They think it's about them. It's never about them.

[Andy Zaltzman]

That's the only part of our transport infrastructure that's still working.

[Geoff Norcott]

So I thought was the big winner on election night was Nick Robinson, because I went to bed with him in my ears and then I woke up in the morning and he was still yapping on. He's just a mate. It's like they've lost the off switch for Nick Robinson.

[Rachel Fairburn]

If we don't talk about, in fact, reform have done well, people might not unreasonably say the liberal bubble is ignoring their success. I think the way that Farage talks is underrated as part of their selling point. It's just a rhythm in it

[Andy Zaltzman]

just

[Rachel Fairburn]

goes up every third word for no reason. He sometimes looks like he's heading an imaginary football. Right. I just think we're underestimate how much of it comes down to the way that leaders speak. Because if you say yeah, versus, it's not the most evolved satire you're going to hear in 2026. It's fun, it's fun to do it.

[Geoff Norcott]

There was the thing, you know, where it emerged that one of his mates had given him 5 million quid, which, I mean, that's a Secret Santa that's got out of control, isn't it? We set a limit of a tenner in our house. I don't know about you, but, you know, and then it was meant to be for security and I think it turns out he's actually spent that 5 million already on security because he was so sick of getting milkshakes chucked at him that he's been fully laminated

[Andy Zaltzman]

in terms of this. This gift, which became quite a talking point in the last week of campaigning, a gift of £5 million with no strings attached. Should you not treat that with the same level of skepticism as the gift of a parachute with no strings attached?

[Hugo Rifkind]

Really important. It's not a funny point at all, but a really important one. The reason why he could do this is because it wasn't illegal, because he wasn't a politician. He wasn't yet even standing for a seat. He was out going, oh, I'm not going to be an mp, oh, I've got some money now, I'm going to be an mp. These two things aren't linked at all. But if he had been an elected MP and he got given this money and hadn't declared it, it would have been breaking the rules. But he wasn't. And you got to think almost no one in reform is an MP yet. You know, they've got a few of them, huge numbers of people. So the question every journalist should be asking, every prospective reform MP is has Anyone given you 5 million quid or any money? Have any Thai based cryptocurrency people given you money before you stand for mayor of this town or want to be MP here? Because, you know, if they won't answer the question, they have answered the question.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Yeah. I mean, I guess on the plus side, it does open up politics to people who otherwise wouldn't be able to get into it. Because, you know, if you feel underrepresented in politics now, you don't need to protest, campaign fundraise or go through the tedious administrative process of standing for election, you can just become a Thai based crypto billionaire and covertly purchase behind the scenes influence. I mean that's shortly democratizing the whole process.

[Geoff Norcott]

It's lovely those people are so patriotic about Britain that they will do everything except live here.

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[Andy Zaltzman]

Nigel Farage compared reform's performance with a sporting event. Can anyone tell me what sporting event he compared it to?

[Geoff Norcott]

Egg and spoon.

[Lucy Porter]

Wasn't that ufc?

[Andy Zaltzman]

I think that's the acronym for what a lot of people say to him. I should just point that out. You talked about approval ratings. According to the recent YouGov polling, Starmer was -47% approval. And next to the five leaders was Farage on -39. Somebody's a kind of weird state politically.

[Geoff Norcott]

Is it like cricket because it takes ages and nothing happens?

[Rachel Fairburn]

I wouldn't say that, Andy.

[Andy Zaltzman]

No, I'm not taking that.

[Geoff Norcott]

I do know the right answer. It was the grand national, correct?

[Andy Zaltzman]

Yes.

[Geoff Norcott]

Yeah, and I didn't understand. He said something about Beecher's Brook and he'd already lost me by that point.

[Andy Zaltzman]

So he said if we cleared Beecher's Brook, which is one of the fences in the grand national, one of the more difficult fences, and landed well. We go on to win the Grand National. So basically saying now reform is on course to win the next. That's not entirely how the grand national works. I don't know what the stats are on horses who are leading or to win the Grand National. You do have to get over Beechersbrook.

[Lucy Porter]

Twice, I think.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Yes, twice.

[Lucy Porter]

Yeah. You don't just do it once, you've got to go around again. Unless he was referring to the grand national ride at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Because you will do it once then, and there is a one in two chance of winning. So maybe you meant that. I don't know.

[Geoff Norcott]

I mean, they are, I suppose. Yeah. You know, it has been remarkable. The shift is that we now have a five party, six party, have a many party system and it is kind of about personality. And, you know, Farage is a big personality. Zach Polanski, very popular amongst younger voters, less so with those of us who actually remember Rick from the young one.

[Rachel Fairburn]

He is like the left wing Farage, isn't he? But I just don't. What's the left wing equivalent of saying, oh, he's the kind of guy you'd have a pint with, like a pint of mead, you know, just poncing incense in the smoking area.

[Geoff Norcott]

I think people have a go at him for being a bad hypnotist. And I'm like, well, that's good. The last thing you want is a competent hypnotist, otherwise first party political broadcast will all be clucking like chickens.

[Rachel Fairburn]

You know, it's weird. Like, as we recording this, like on the morning, people are tussling over the narrative and you think, if it is a comment on national politics, there's been a lot with this Labour Party being plot heavy, haven't they? You know, we've seen things. We had Rachel Reeves crying in the House of Commons. I'm not personally, I never judged her for that because in some ways that was the most honest thing I've ever seen in British public life, is that the Chancellor had had a look at the books and just burst into tears.

[Andy Zaltzman]

It's certainly not been a great week for Labour. Keir Starmer said on Friday morning that. That the results were, and I quote, like overcooked chicken nuggets in a poorly stocked pastry shop. Sorry. He said they're very tough and there's no sugar coating it. Yes. So to summarise the correct answer to the original question, the people have spoken. What have they said? The correct answer I've got written down here is a primeval yowl of confused frustration, reminiscent of a lost marathon runner in a pumpkin outfit who's got his foot stuck in a bear trap in a forest he can't remember entering. Who's trying to sing Ace of Spades by heavy metal legends Motorhead to attract attention, but can't remember the lyrics, so he's just making up in noises as he goes along. Instead, that was the correct answer for what the people have said this election. So we are still awaiting the full results and the official presentation of the strop vote. 26 awards categories such as party that has managed to completely and utterly alienate the lowest proportion of voters, most relatively non unpopular leader quite hotly contested and the biggest difference between publicly defined words and harrowingly defeated eyes. All in all, with all party leaders struggling for broad appeal and abuse of candidates surging to unprecedented levels, the country's more split than ever. The overall picture, well, as pictures go, it's one that Jackson Pollock would have looked at and said, nah, that's a little too messy, that. Stick that in the bin and start again. Just some breaking news reaching us, actually, from the elections. Keir Starmer's frown has just been declared a site of special scientific interest at the end of our election rounds. I'm going to. Well, you've been deducted points for anti cricket references. Rules are rules, Lucy. You've been doing this show long enough. It's five to Geoff and Rachel, three to Lucy and Hugo. Right, moving on. The Met Gala, the fashion industry's annual New York fundraiser where completely ridiculous people wear even more completely ridiculous clothes, took place on Monday. But why might Amazon Mega Cheese Jeff Bezos, despite being a certified gazillionaire, have heard the words, you're in trouble

[Rachel Fairburn]

because. Protest, wasn't it? There's a protest because apparently they're not letting Amazon workers go for a wee. So the protesters had 200 bottles of wee and they put it around there. The problem is 200 bottles of weed does sound like a dress made by Vivienne Westwood and Lady Gaga. I think she's done something like that in the past. And I always think of protesters like, I bet when they had their little me, and they're like, that's such a good idea, and then they go, we should have drunk more tea. This is. This is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

[Hugo Rifkind]

It was fake wee.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Yeah.

[Hugo Rifkind]

I was surprised because you think it's actually probably harder to get together loads of fake we than real we. I don't know.

[Geoff Norcott]

You know, I think that if you want to protest against Jeff Bezos, right, as an Amazon prime subscriber, I think what they should have done is not let him see any of the nice outfits until he'd watched two unskippable ads. There's four of us who subscribe. There we are. Yes, that's us.

[Rachel Fairburn]

The Met Gala. He does. I think it makes everybody a Bit more right wing, doesn't it? Because it's supposed to promote liberal values. But you watch it and you're like, there was that one woman, she had like a $1 bill over her eyes and this was to highlight the 1%. But she's worth 12 million, so she's part of the 1%. I mean, I am just sent awry. But by the end of it I was full maggot. I was like, build a wall. It's so aggravated. Do you see Katy Perry's one where she's sort of like got a fencing mask and she opens and goes, it's me, Katy Perry, renowned astronaut. And then she shouts again.

[Lucy Porter]

I think it really shows the snobbery in the world because people dress stupid at the Met Gala and it's, you know, oh, this is high fashion, this is iconic. But then people get the darts and they're common as muck.

[Andy Zaltzman]

So what, what would each of you wear to the Met Gala? Describe and explain your, your outfit.

[Hugo Rifkind]

I'd go as a one man band. Just so, just so whenever like any beautiful Hollywood celebrity wanted to speak to me, I'd just boom, tish at them, ruin every conversation.

[Geoff Norcott]

You could have a swanny whistle. If anyone, anyone's got a revealing outfit. I got it wrong. I thought the Met Gala was for the Metropolitan Police, so my outfit would be considered tasteless. I'd go with someone's hat. I'm only little.

[Rachel Fairburn]

The thing is, when you're dressed up. Have you seen all these Get Ready With Me videos? Seen this? Girls love it, don't they, when they get ready with me. This is the thing about being a 49 year old bloke. Nobody wants to, to do the Get Ready with me because what am I going to say? Like, hi guys, today I'm deciding which One of these 17 identical polo shirts I wear. And also whether or not I change my jeans. They are a bit itchy but I've got anti histamine so I think we're good.

[Andy Zaltzman]

How's your polo team doing at the moment, Jeff?

[Rachel Fairburn]

Ralph Lauren. Oh, smashing it, mate. Share price up.

[Lucy Porter]

I think I'd go with something very British and keeping in the dance theme, I think I'd go as Del Boy because I think it would be so baffling to Americans that they'd be like, oh my God, what is this? This is amazing. I think Anna Wintour would be like, this is, this is really something. Cause that's how she speaks and I think I'd do that. And then three days later, Kim Kardashian would be wearing a sheepskin coat and like saying, like, stick a pony in my pocket.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Yes, indeed. Now is the Anna Wintour of our Disney discontent after protests at the Met Gala, the Champions League final, of trying to look as absurd as possible whilst being famous enough that no one will stop you and say you look ridiculous. Disrupted by protests against the involvement of Jeff Bezos, King of Amazon. The protest was organized by the Everyone Hates Elon group which recently won a court case against Elon Musk over the factual accuracy of their name after a judge ruled that deep down Elon Musk does actually hate himself. Well, the scores are now eight points all. So we go into our tie breaker round. 100 years ago this week, the BBC broadcast a then record five news bulletins each day as no newspapers were published due to a general strike. But what major event did they not report?

[Geoff Norcott]

Is it the birth of our beloved David Attenborough?

[Andy Zaltzman]

Correct.

[Geoff Norcott]

Nice. Which so amazing but I do think the government should have done, you know, they can put a warning out on all your phones now. They should have done one of those to go, relax. It's because he's a hundred. Because I was worried. But yeah, I love him so, so much. And like he obviously could get a telegram off the King now, but to be honest, I think the King should get a telegram off him because he's better.

[Hugo Rifkind]

I think he's awful. Yeah, just a terrible man. I'm seeing how this goes down. Terrible man in every. What's, what's to like?

[Rachel Fairburn]

Yeah, he just, he's been phoning in, doing voiceover for years. You know, I admire is the blokes that bed themselves in in the ice for six months to film an ovulating seal. That's work. Who gets the bafta?

[Hugo Rifkind]

Attenborough.

[Rachel Fairburn]

Imagine what that guy is thinking going, yeah, sure, yeah, yeah, he recorded that in his room. He's got a studio at home. Doesn't matter, doesn't matter. But did you see? Did you see? Right before I get cancelled by all of the country, they named some species of things after him. And one of them is called the Indonesian flightless weevil. If I was Attenborough, I'd be like you mugging me off. I'm David Attenborough, mate. I'm even famous in America. Do you know what I mean?

[Geoff Norcott]

Like they say another one was a parasitic wasp. It's like, yeah, I'll just have a voucher, thanks.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Yeah, well, I mean you mentioned the things that have been named after him. Which of the following is not named after David attenborough A ghost shrimp, a rodent eating plant, a Welsh weed, a parasitic spider hating fungus. Or the Attenborough Wildlife Sanctuary. Only one of those not named after David Attenborough.

[Rachel Fairburn]

It feels like it might be the Attenborough Wildlife Sanctuary.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Correct. That's the winning point, Geoff.

[Rachel Fairburn]

Well, isn't it?

[Andy Zaltzman]

Yes. Sir David attenborough, whose nearly 70 plus year career has encompassed some of the world's most popular hardcore squid pornography ever broadcast. The blue platform. Damn right it was. As well as the numerous animal snuff, movie stroke nature documentaries. Potato potato has brought up his century. Super innings from Sir David. So calm as he reached three figures. We've seen so many people get out trying to bring up their hundred in a blaze of glory, but Attenborough was patient, just accumulated quietly, didn't try to get to three figures too quickly and made it safely to a century. His first hundred of course. And when he got there he didn't over celebrate, which suggests he's got his eye on a big one, maybe even a double. Sorry, I forget which of my jobs I'm doing it sometimes. So at the end after that final two point answer from Jeff, it's 10 to Geoff and Rachel, nine to Lucy and Hugo. Thank you very much for listening. I've been Andy's ultraman.

[Lucy Porter]

Goodbye.

[Andy Zaltzman]

Taking part in the news quiz were Rachel Fairburn, Jeff Norcot, Lucy Porter and Hugo Rifkin. In the chair was me, Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Mike Shepard, Cameron Locksdale, Stephanie Kemp and Angela Channel. The producer was Georgia Keating and It was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Hello, wicked wunderkind and degenerate do gooders. It's Russell Cain here, host of Evil Genius, the show that takes famous faces from history and knocks them off their high horse by revealing three unfortunate facts about their life. We shine a UV torch on the hidden evidence, then present our findings to a jury of three comedians who will decide evil or genius? Join us as we rifle through the drawers of history, then make a mess on the carpet. Listen to Evil Genius first on BBC Sounds.