The 30s Episode

Summary

Friends Keep Secrets: "The 30s Episode"

Podcast: Friends Keep Secrets
Hosts: Benny Blanco, Lil Dicky (Dave Burd), Kristin Batalucco
Date: June 16, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this playful, unfiltered episode, Benny, Dave, and Kristin dive into the realities of their 30s—reflecting on relationships, aging, work crushes, milestones, parenting, and the joys and anxieties that come with this decade. Punctuated by comedic role plays and intimate banter, the trio explores if life in their 30s matches what they’d envisioned, what scares them, how friendships evolve, and what moments will define these years when they look back. Themes of self-reflection, vulnerability, friendship, and humor run throughout the episode.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Reflections on Age and Entering 30s

• Starts with jokes about the "Dirty 30" and musings on crossing into a new decade.
• Kristin: "The 30s are a time to reflect and take it all in. See you on the other side." ([00:11])
• They contemplate what being 30 means and joke about how men and women experience it differently.
  • Ben: “I was 30 and I said, it’s just a different world for women to be 30. Now I’ve taken on a new approach to my 30s... it said something like, in your 30s, you feel like you’re running out of time, but really you can just take your time.” ([07:07])

Work Crushes: Innocence and Motivation

• Lighthearted discussion about the harmless excitement of having a work crush.
  • Kristin: “Sometimes in the beginning of our relationship, I would imagine that…she was like assistant account person for like a different brand and... fucking like next to the Xerox machine or whatever.” ([00:11–00:36])
  • Ben: “Work crushes are so innocent. I think they keep you a little bit alive. But I never crossed the border.” ([00:40])
• The crew jokes about fantasy scenarios and respect versus attraction at work.

“Freezing in Time” Game

• The hosts challenge each other to remain completely still, riffing on their (lack of) skills in this odd contest.
  • Dave: “Okay, you’re going to freeze right now... Oh, you just blinked. So. And you moved your mouth and you moved everywhere else. That’s not true.” ([02:22])
  • Kristin: “I’m good at staring contests.” ([03:42])

Navigating Small Talk and Silence

• Discussion about the anxiety around silences in long car rides or social situations.
  • Kristin: “That’s how much I fear the silent moment is that I never have to even worry about it with you guys. I kind of just get to react to whatever nonsense either one of you are spewing out of your mouth.” ([05:02–05:09])
  • Ben: “Recently, I started saying, let’s have some silent moments.” ([05:29])

The Kids Roleplay: Testing Parenting Skills

• The trio role-plays different parenting scenarios, from a toddler’s antics to a teen’s rebellion.
  • Dave (as child): "I'm scared. I don't want to sleep alone."
    Kristin: "You can sleep with us... Just tonight, my love." ([10:37])
  • Kristin (on parenting): “I look at it as like life one and life two. No kids, life one. Kids, life two. I feel pretty satisfied with life one. So I’m ready.” ([07:54])

The Realities of 30s and Readiness for Kids

• Reflections on being prepared for children, with acknowledgment that true readiness may not exist.
  • Kristin: “I don’t think anyone’s prepared…There’s nothing even remotely close to the life changing dynamic that having kids would take.” ([07:54])

Aging, Loss, and Luck

• Honest talk about mortality, growing old, and gratitude for their fortunate lives.
  • Ben: “It’s gonna be sad when we get old and then our friends and our partners die.” ([17:13])
  • Kristin: “Guys, we are in our 30s. I don’t know why we’re talking about this.” ([17:19])
  • Dave: “I’m very thankful for everything that’s happened to me.” ([23:47])
  • Kristin: “We have the luckiest lives… Don’t you think you’re so lucky?” ([23:33–23:42])

Selfishness, Self-Awareness, and Free Will

• The hosts probe each other about selfish tendencies and the nature of decision-making.
  • Kristin: “Selfishness is just the way of life... you’re trying to make yourself as happy as possible. When things are in the way of that, you try to resist them.” ([20:48])
  • Ben: “But then isn’t that selfish if you’re just giving in order to feel joy? Like, shouldn’t you just be giving to give back?” ([20:23])
  • Debates on free will, destiny, and whether luck or effort is more determinative.

Sex, Communication, and Milestones in the 30s

• Humor around nudes, body image, and the sexual prime.
  • Kristin: “You sent me, like, no visual, like, turn on picture ever.” ([23:06])
  • Ben: “I learned that women peak in their 30s sexually.” ([31:34])
  • Discussing the “honeymoon phase” and changing sexual dynamics.

Hygiene, Public Bathrooms, and Gender Differences

• The group gets real (and comedic) about bathroom experiences and hygiene habits.
  • Kristin: “If your hand is that close and there’s only a thin sheet of paper between your asshole and all that fungus and that bungus... then you have to wash.” ([26:52])
  • Dave: “No matter how much you wiggle or how much you dance, the last drop’s always wind up in your pants.” ([29:16])
  • Candid conversation about women’s anatomy, tampon logistics, and public bathroom flaws.

Existential Thoughts: Spirit, Achievement, and Joy

• Kristin considers whether life is predetermined and if true joy comes from accomplishments or kindness.
  • Kristin: “You will not be found if you’re chasing this dream and you’re climbing this mountain... you just start being good to everyone else. And only through giving can true joy be felt.” ([19:58])
  • The group muses on the meaning of happiness and the importance of kindness.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On luck and accomplishment:
  Kristin: “Oftentimes, I wonder, like, was I just given my perfect life to just test me to see if I do it the right way, and then at the end, they’re just like, you totally misplayed your hand, or like, well done.” ([19:01])
• On the realities of their lives:
  Kristin: “But not really for us. We’re so lucky. We have the luckiest lives.” ([23:33])
• On the nature of friendship and silence:
  Kristin: “That’s how much I fear the silent moment is that I never have to even worry about it with you guys.” ([05:02])
• On the change from achieving to giving:
  Kristin: “The first mountain is not where you’ll find the joy... only through giving can true joy be felt.” ([19:58])
• On relationships and sexual peak:
  Ben: “I learned that women peak in their 30s sexually.” ([31:34])

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Important Segment Timestamps

• 00:11 – Entering Your 30s: Quick thoughts on turning 30 and relationship fantasy
• 00:40 – Work crushes and innocent excitement
• 02:16–04:19 – The “freezing in time” game & contests
• 05:09–05:32 – Silence in relationships, fear of awkwardness, and small talk
• 07:07–07:54 – The anxieties and reliefs about being in their 30s
• 08:06–14:48 – Parenting roleplays, navigating tough conversations with kids and teens
• 17:13–17:46 – Reflections on aging, loss, luck, and gratitude
• 19:01–20:39 – Free will, selfishness, and the meaning of joy
• 23:02–23:29 – Jokes about nudes, body, and relationship comfort
• 26:31–28:21 – Bathroom experiences, gender differences, and hygiene humor
• 31:34–31:48 – Sexual peak and intimacy conversations
• 32:20–End – Projecting future memories, defining moments of the decade

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Tone & Language

The episode is characterized by fast-paced, funny, open-forum banter—equal parts intimate, irreverent, and reflective. The language is casual, frequently explicit, and true to the hosts’ styles, mixing authentic vulnerability with tongue-in-cheek humor and improvisation. The role-play elements and detailed discussions make listeners feel like they’re part of a real group hang, getting all the wisdom, weirdness, and warmth that comes with it.

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Recap

If you've wondered what it's like to enter your 30s in a tight-knit, creative friend group, this episode gives a window into the highs, lows, and raw honesty of adulting in a modern age. Through laughter, mock arguments, and genuine moments, the Friends Keep Secrets crew deconstructs what really matters as you get older—reminding listeners that, while life may not always make sense, it's a lot better (and less scary) when you can talk about it openly with your friends.

Transcript

[Dave]

The dirty 30.

[Ben]

Fuck me, I'm way past 30.

[Kristen]

The 30s are a time to reflect and take it all in. See you on the other side. We'll be back again next week. Sometimes in the beginning of our relationship, I would imagine that we were sharing the same floor at work and that she was like assistant account person for like a different brand and. Oh, that's cool.

[Dave]

Like sexually.

[Kristen]

Yeah, I would imagine like fucking like next to the Xerox machine or whatever.

[Ben]

Yeah, I love a work crush. Work crushes are so innocent. I think they keep you a little bit alive. But I never crossed the border.

[Kristen]

Work crushers. You never had one, right?

[Ben]

Any other refs he never liked? He never worked at like a company?

[Kristen]

No, he worked for the refs. He was one of the refs.

[Ben]

Yeah. When you were 13, when you were working in the working world.

[Kristen]

Yeah. I would dress up the day for your work crush. You know what I mean?

[Ben]

Yeah. It got me out of bed 15 minutes earlier.

[Dave]

Who was your biggest work crush?

[Ben]

It was more respect, I guess. And it's more of respect.

[Dave]

His name was Respect.

[Kristen]

Work Respect.

[Dave]

His name was Work Respect.

[Kristen]

Get a grip. And his name wasn't Work Respect.

[Dave]

Chuck, who was your work crush? What was her name? Sandy Finkelstein.

[Kristen]

I'm not naming any names. I just remember there was a girl who like, you know, was Cube adjacent one time. Cube adjacent at like this ad agency in Philly. It was just cool.

[Dave]

It wasn't really.

[Kristen]

It was just cool. It was just good energy to have like a opposite sex, similar aged woman. You're chit chatting. I forget if we were in relationships or what.

[Ben]

I never even really chit chatted with them. I just. It was just in my head to. It was just a little slightly more exciting to say I respect you in my head. Not that I didn't respect the other people. I take that back. I respected everybody. It's a very innocent thing that I shouldn't have to defend to you two corndogs.

[Kristen]

No, you don't have to defend.

[Ben]

I'm the most loyal, am I not?

[Kristen]

To the soil.

[Ben]

To the soil. I'm loyal to the soil.

[Kristen]

She is so loyal.

[Dave]

Have you had a work crash since you've been dating Bird?

[Ben]

Hell no.

[Kristen]

Chuck, you wanna come inside and fill up a java real quick? What, do you want to stay there frozen in time and space? I just found out a lot about the universe, by the way.

[Ben]

Oh, I'd love to hear more.

[Dave]

What'd you find?

[Kristen]

I'm not really able to be good at freezing. Yeah, you were Good.

[Ben]

Tell me what you learned.

[Dave]

Can you stay still? Mochi? Try to stay. Okay. We all have to try to stay completely still. Who's going to go first? Okay, Chuck, we're going to assess Kristen first. Okay, you're going to freeze right now. And you're just frozen. You're frozen in time. Oh, you just blinked. So. And you moved your mouth and you moved everywhere else. That's not true. Maybe she'll start freezing now. Now one of your eyes is drooping as if you just had a stroke. Oh, Chuck's frozen now.

[Ben]

He's swaying.

[Dave]

Oh, his is so good. Chuck, I didn't realize you had freckles all over your iris.

[Ben]

Oh, it's his Vinusha.

[Dave]

It's so easy for him to do it. Cause his jaw is like it's being held up.

[Ben]

What's the thing on your eye, Dave? What's it called?

[Dave]

Chuck something.

[Ben]

Poop.

[Kristen]

Chuck.

[Dave]

That can't. There's no way that can be your breath. It's got. Chuck, I think it might be a little bit your breath. You had tuna fish, didn't you?

[Ben]

All right.

[Dave]

Okay, Chuck, you're done.

[Ben]

You won.

[Kristen]

I won.

[Dave]

Well, I didn't even go yet. Oh, my God.

[Kristen]

My contacts fell out.

[Dave]

I didn't even start much. You want me to try?

[Kristen]

Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ben]

I wanna see you freeze and throw.

[Kristen]

Was that impressive?

[Dave]

It was very impressive.

[Ben]

I don't know that any of this is that impressive.

[Dave]

I think it's pretty impressive.

[Kristen]

I'm good at staring contests.

[Ben]

I'm not.

[Dave]

Okay, freeze. Right?

[Ben]

No, I'll tell you when. Okay, now. I mean, you are moving just as much. Isn't he? You're swaying. Can neither of you guys.

[Kristen]

No, he's good right now. Right now.

[Dave]

He's good.

[Kristen]

It's okay. Don't look at us. Or now you gotta stay looking at us. He's good.

[Ben]

Yeah. What a skill to have.

[Kristen]

Just stay like that. I just wanna. Don't move. Cause I really wanna get it. I really wanna get this on camera.

[Ben]

Bunny. Maybe your second talent is you can just freeze.

[Kristen]

Freaky smile. 4.

[Dave]

Did that scare you? Yeah, that was cool.

[Ben]

Do you ever feel like after you've smiled for a long time, it's like it's so hard to produce a smile. No, like when you're chit chatting or making small talk with people.

[Kristen]

Like, I never think I have to smile. I think I have to look in their eyes, listen to what they're saying. I never think I have to smile.

[Ben]

I'm not good at, like, casually getting out of the small.

[Kristen]

I'll keep it going out is I get a lot of anxiety about getting out.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

One of the things that really stresses me out that I fear in life. I don't care who it's with. It could be like maybe you're two. The only two people I wouldn't have this concern with would be like an eight hour car ride where it's me and one other person. Like, I've never experienced that. I think that the thought of that is terrifying. I think I don't even.

[Dave]

You just experienced it with me three days ago.

[Kristen]

No, just one on one. And you're probably the only two people I can do it with. It's not that I'm scared of the silence. I'd have to have music on. I would never be able to do it without music on to anchor the background.

[Dave]

Do you guys talk the whole time you're driving somewhere? Yeah.

[Ben]

Yeah. No, we don't.

[Kristen]

We don't have many silent moments.

[Ben]

Yes, we do. Recently I started saying, let's have some silent moments.

[Kristen]

Right?

[Dave]

Oh, Selena. Me and Selena have many silent moments.

[Ben]

Benny and I talk the most of all of your friends.

[Kristen]

Yeah, you both talk so much.

[Ben]

Who do you think talks more?

[Dave]

You. Wow.

[Ben]

Really?

[Kristen]

You both talk so much and I love it. Like, I think that's why I'm the perfect best friend for each of you. That's how much I fear the silent moment is that I never have to even worry about it with you guys. I kind of just get to re to whatever nonsense either one of you are spewing out of your mouth.

[Dave]

Isn't it crazy, Dave? You would think he was like a big talker.

[Ben]

You'll talk a lot if there's an argument to be made or if you feel like prove someone wrong. Do you need to seek justice?

[Kristen]

Well, yeah. Every vigilante would speak up when justice needed to be. Needed to be.

[Dave]

It looks like your brain just froze. You might be having a stroke right now. Wait, how old are you, machi?

[Ben]

35. Ooh. What do you mean? I'm like so much younger than you guys. You guys literally are in a grade above me.

[Dave]

Wow.

[Ben]

You're like, pretty much. It is so good.

[Kristen]

Once he learns that a woman is 35 or up, that's what his body does.

[Dave]

Yeah, my body's not even controlled.

[Ben]

What are you. Are you ditching? Are you pushing the 35 year old? Are you with the 35 year old?

[Dave]

My partner's 33.

[Ben]

We've had the 30s conversation so much between Dave and I, I'd like to

[Kristen]

know what's the 30s conversation?

[Ben]

Because we first started dating, I was 30 and I said, it's just a different world for women to be 30. Now I've taken on a new approach to my 30s, where instead of. I actually saw this little quote and now I've really attached to it. It says, it said something like, in your 30s, you feel like you're running out of time, but really you can just take your time.

[Dave]

Woo.

[Kristen]

But is that really true?

[Ben]

Yeah. I don't know why we have to be so scared that we're running out of time.

[Kristen]

Body starts shutting down, other kids start popping up. Kids, kids, kids. The ones that come out of you.

[Ben]

Yeah. But that's one of the things that comes into play. Forward to being in your 30s.

[Kristen]

Yeah. But your life changes. It totally changes. There's no bigger life change or I haven't had kids, but I know for a fact there's nothing even remotely close to the life changing dynamic that having kids would take.

[Dave]

Do you think you're prepared for kids?

[Kristen]

No, I don't think anyone's prepared. And I think I'm very. I do think I'm. I look at it as like life one and life two. No, kids, life one. Kids, life two. I feel pretty satisfied with life one. So I'm ready.

[Dave]

I'm gonna do a little exercise here.

[Kristen]

Okay.

[Dave]

Where I'm going to be a child at a different age.

[Kristen]

Okay.

[Dave]

And you have to, you have to assess the situation and figure out what you're gonna do.

[Kristen]

Okay. And if you behave kind of like a kid that you shouldn't at that age, I'm gonna call you out and send you to the loony bin or something.

[Dave]

Okay. I'm going to start. We're going to start at two, Start at six months. Okay.

[Kristen]

Six months. Okay. Zero cognition, so it doesn't even matter. Kristen.

[Dave]

Oh, stop, stop.

[Kristen]

I'm not playing if that's how you stop. You want to do it or should I?

[Dave]

I'll do it.

[Kristen]

All right.

[Ben]

Just comfortably.

[Kristen]

Okay. Okay.

[Ben]

Hey, that's good.

[Kristen]

I know what he's going to do. He's going to do it again or something. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. No, no, no, it is okay. It was my fault. I shouldn't have had the negative energy. It's my fault.

[Ben]

Good job.

[Dave]

Now I'm.

[Ben]

Good job.

[Dave]

Okay, Chuck, you ready?

[Ben]

But you could have also said, I'm carrying.

[Kristen]

You were doing anything physical.

[Ben]

You could have been like, maybe he's hungry. Maybe I should have changed his diaper. Maybe he.

[Kristen]

The first thing he Did. I don't know.

[Dave]

You guys should get in a fight about it.

[Ben]

Yeah. Your mom pulled me aside and she said, make sure as soon as you guys have that kid, like, day one, make sure he teach him how to change the diaper.

[Kristen]

It's like tuna fish. I was grandfathered in when I ate it when I was young, and now I eat it even though I would never do it now. It doesn't fit my eating palate. What if you get me in early? I'll do it for life.

[Dave]

Hey, John.

[Kristen]

What are you gonna say now?

[Dave]

I'm two and a half. You ready? One, two, three.

[Kristen]

Hey, hey, hey, john, john.

[Ben]

Jack.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Come here right now, please.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Kristen]

Come here.

[Dave]

Okay. Oh.

[Kristen]

Okay. That's it. Okay.

[Ben]

Pull up your pants.

[Kristen]

Oh, no. I guess he's too young to punish. All right, all right. Just stop him. They don't move this fast.

[Dave]

What are you talking about?

[Kristen]

They don't move this fast.

[Dave]

Yes, they do. They're so agile. They go like this. They're like.

[Kristen]

Not at this speed.

[Ben]

Hey, Jack.

[Dave]

They're like, jack, John.

[Ben]

I thought, no, Jack.

[Dave]

And they're just like.

[Kristen]

Oh, Jack. Yeah, check.

[Dave]

They're like. They move pretty quick. I'm dealing with one right now. Okay.

[Ben]

I would say, jack, I know you have a lot of energy, but. Ooh, look at the toy over there. Playing with that toy.

[Dave]

But then I'd throw it. Okay, now I'm five. Okay.

[Ben]

Why are you depressed?

[Dave]

I don't wanna. I don't wanna sleep alone. I'm scared.

[Kristen]

You can sleep with us.

[Dave]

I can?

[Kristen]

Yeah. Just tonight. Just tonight, my love.

[Dave]

But you said no.

[Ben]

And you said yes, you can. For the rest of your life.

[Dave]

For the rest of my life? Yeah.

[Kristen]

Whatever your mom says goes. You know the rules.

[Dave]

For the rest of my life, I'm gonna sleep between you guys.

[Kristen]

All right. We don't have to take this skit further.

[Dave]

I'm just sleeping between you guys. Don't fuck tonight, okay?

[Kristen]

We won't.

[Dave]

Now I'm 13. Okay.

[Kristen]

I couldn't have it at all.

[Dave]

You just caught me smoking weed for the first time.

[Kristen]

Sit down, Jack. Where were you?

[Dave]

Um. Why?

[Kristen]

It's not hard to figure out. Where were you?

[Dave]

I was with my friend. Where, though?

[Kristen]

I didn't say, what were you doing? I said, where were you?

[Dave]

We were at Jack's house.

[Ben]

You still hanging around Jack?

[Dave]

Yeah. He's got the same name as me. He's cool.

[Ben]

Here's what I'll say. I know you were smoking weed.

[Dave]

What do you mean? But, dad, you smoke weed every Time you high freestyle.

[Kristen]

Yeah, but Jack, I wasn't allowed to eat. Like, smoking weed was such a scary thing to me when I was your age. Cause my parents really, like, made it seem like that would be such an impossibility. I get so punished. And I was really scared as a result. So I worked hard and I really, like, maximized my full potential. And that's what I want for you. And then eventually, when you're an adult and you want to smoke weed, you can make that choice.

[Dave]

But dad, don't you think that, like, all the knowledge you found is that, like, smoking weed isn't even that bad and it's legal?

[Kristen]

I don't really seek this knowledge. I haven't found any knowledge. I just.

[Dave]

Why do you smoke it?

[Kristen]

Honestly? Because I feel like sometimes reality isn't satisfying enough.

[Dave]

Well, that's how I feel.

[Kristen]

Yeah, it sucks. Don't be like me, kid.

[Dave]

But I want to be like you. You're my hero.

[Kristen]

Be like me in all the other ways. Not this one. Or at least try not to be.

[Dave]

I tried not to. And my friends were still young. Still young.

[Kristen]

You got to do it till you're 18. You don't even know anything yet. But what I was thinking when I was 13 is what I think now.

[Dave]

Would I even get in trouble?

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Dave]

How much trouble do I get in?

[Kristen]

I'm not gonna fucking do a book report. John.

[Ben]

Here's what I. Sorry to interrupt the role playing. Here's what I do think. You have to change. Every kid's different. Like, you can't just apply.

[Dave]

I'm your son, Jack.

[Ben]

Because if I. If you think about, like, if you depending on the kid, they could just push them to do more stuff.

[Dave]

Okay? Now, Chuck, I'm your daughter and I'm 14 years old. And you just caught me coming back from a party and I'm a little drunk and it looks like I might have gotten a little frisky.

[Kristen]

What does that mean? Looks like it.

[Ben]

Wait, how?

[Dave]

Like, you're just drunk. No, but you've heard. You've heard that, like, I have like a. Like some. Like my brother said that I have a boyfriend.

[Ben]

I have one. I'm not at home. You're about to go leave and hang out with a car full of boys. You see your daughter leaving, her shirt's see through.

[Dave]

Bye, Daddy.

[Kristen]

Whoa, Stevie.

[Dave]

Yeah?

[Kristen]

Where'd you.

[Ben]

What?

[Kristen]

Where?

[Dave]

What?

[Kristen]

Have fun. Have fun. I'll see you later, okay?

[Dave]

You sure?

[Kristen]

Yeah. You're in charge of, like, what?

[Ben]

I'm not there.

[Dave]

You sure? I can have Fun.

[Ben]

She's about to get in the car with a bunch of men.

[Kristen]

Feel like it's like, inappropriate to even comment on it or something. I don't know. Okay, sit down.

[Ben]

You could say, sit down, Stevie. You just push me.

[Dave]

I don't know, Stevie.

[Ben]

Maybe your shirt is a little see through and inappropriate. You should be able to wear whatever you want. I just wanted to. I also don't think it's the best look getting into the car.

[Dave]

Well, you're not here.

[Kristen]

Who knows what the fashion's gonna be like.

[Dave]

You're not here. The fashion's even more in van.

[Kristen]

You've put in so much time that it would have taken.

[Ben]

Yeah, but you also want to guide your children, like, to make the right choices.

[Dave]

Okay, Daddy, I'll see you later.

[Kristen]

Stevie, I think you need to cover up a little bit. Wear a sweater. You should not be. You're going in a car with boys.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Why are you wearing that?

[Dave]

Wearing what?

[Kristen]

You're not allowed to wear that shirt. Please put on a more appropriate shirt. Thanks, Stevie.

[Dave]

Why is it inappropriate?

[Ben]

I'm a friend to Erica.

[Kristen]

Erica. Unfortunately, what you think really has no relevance to see under this roof.

[Ben]

No, I. It's so inappropriate that you would objectify our bodies like that. We're like becoming women. And I want her to show Janie. Erica.

[Kristen]

Okay, Stevie, go upstairs for one second.

[Dave]

Go upstairs.

[Kristen]

Go upstairs too.

[Dave]

Why? I gotta go to the party.

[Kristen]

You don't. You're grounded. You can talk to your friend Bethany.

[Dave]

Why am I grounded?

[Kristen]

Because you're hanging out with way too fast of a crowd.

[Dave]

Hmm.

[Kristen]

Which is something I was told when I was young.

[Dave]

What do you think? Are you having fun in your 30s?

[Kristen]

30s is great.

[Ben]

I think our 30s are different than most 30s.

[Kristen]

Well, I think 30 is the new 40. I mean, 30 is the new 20. 40 is the new 30.

[Dave]

So 90s, the new 80.

[Ben]

I feel like my face moves like Jim Carrey in the mask.

[Kristen]

Wow, it does look like.

[Dave]

Try to do your ugliest face.

[Kristen]

KFC box Feast.

[Dave]

Oh, my God. What is this?

[Kristen]

It's a part of the KFC box feast.

[Dave]

Oh, my God.

[Kristen]

It is really good. Show the box so they can know what the feast is.

[Dave]

This is an $11 box. Take a look at this. You see this chicken?

[Kristen]

Show the thickness of the patty.

[Dave]

Look at the thickness of a patty. This is grade A chicken.

[Ben]

Look at the thickness of the nugget.

[Kristen]

I mean, they call this a nugget. This looks like a big nugget.

[Ben]

When I think of a nugget, I Think this is like a real nugget. You know, I think of this as a real nugget compared to other nuggets.

[Kristen]

That's a nugget of wisdom. Time to feast. Prices and participation may vary. Tax, tip and fees extra.

[Dave]

This is the best thing I've ever tasted. We respect you more.

[Ben]

Funny.

[Kristen]

Olipop time. Let's debate which summer flavor is the best.

[Dave]

Raspberry sherbert. Very easy to bake. Next question.

[Ben]

Absolutely no debate. They even brought this one back because it was so popular.

[Kristen]

What is it?

[Ben]

This one.

[Kristen]

BlackBerry vanilla.

[Dave]

This is so good. It reminds me of when I was a kid. I used to go to this place called Hoffman's with my grandmother in upstate New York and it was delicious. All by the area.

[Ben]

Have you had this one, though?

[Kristen]

Buy any 2 cans of Olipop in store and they'll pay you back for one. Any flavor, any retailer. Go to drinkollipop.com fks Equally delicious with

[Dave]

no memory attached to.

[Kristen]

Can we talk about David? David. Protein. You know more about protein than us. Why don't you talk about it?

[Dave]

I will tell you right now. Right now, I'm holding a blueberry pie flavored bar in my hands. This thing has 150 calories and 28 grams of protein. You're gonna be having Bazooka arms in no time. Right, Kristen?

[Ben]

I mean, I did eat one of these earlier when I was great.

[Dave]

I know when your arms are looking.

[Ben]

I had the chocolate. I had the chocolate chip cookie dough.

[Dave]

Chocolate chip cookie dough's amazing. Blueberry pie is amazing. Red velvet's amazing.

[Kristen]

I just gotta eat this stuff to get stronger. I have to lift weights too.

[Ben]

You might want to lift weights too.

[Dave]

You might want to do both. David is available at Walmart stores Nationwide and on Walmart.com youm could try a single bar for only $2.97.

[Kristen]

Go grab one for yourself.

[Ben]

It's gonna be sad when we get old and then our friends and our partners die.

[Kristen]

Yeah, the end of life.

[Ben]

Like, I don't want to be the last. Or actually, maybe I do want to be the last man standing.

[Dave]

Chuck, what would you do if I died?

[Kristen]

Why are we talking about this?

[Dave]

I want to know. Chuck. Chuck, would your entire world collapse?

[Ben]

You know what your mom says? Which is a really good little sound bite. What she says, getting older is just about managing loss.

[Kristen]

Guys, we are in our 30s. I don't know why we're talking about this. Do you guys.

[Dave]

Why do we get. Why do we get so scared to talk about death? It's a real thing.

[Kristen]

Okay, Keep talking about death. I'll just chill.

[Ben]

Do you guys prefer a wood fireplace or a gas fireplace?

[Kristen]

I prefer when it's gas and there's things that look like real wood in there.

[Dave]

Yeah, I prefer real wood. Wait, guys. Listen to this sound. Okay, you ready? Never mind. I get that.

[Ben]

That's really good stuff.

[Dave]

Ben, you want to hear. You want to see something really cool?

[Ben]

Sure.

[Dave]

Wait.

[Ben]

Yeah, that's great.

[Dave]

That one's good. Fuck. Hold on. Wow.

[Ben]

That's so good.

[Kristen]

That's incredible. All three of those notes should be equally valued.

[Dave]

That was a great one.

[Ben]

Yeah, you're like a Foley artist, you know, and they're like, yeah, you could do it.

[Kristen]

I wonder if life has beaten down my spirit.

[Ben]

No, you have a good spirit. Life. Life was beating down my spirit.

[Dave]

What turned it around? Bird.

[Kristen]

You know, if you guys recall, when we walked inside, I said, I've learned a lot of new things about the universe.

[Ben]

What'd you learn?

[Kristen]

Actually, I haven't. My life is a lot like how I imagined, like, you know, my life would be. Oftentimes, I wonder, like, was I just given my perfect life to just test me to see if I do it the right way, and then at the end, they're just like, you totally misplayed your hand, or like, well done, you learned the lessons and you were a good guy.

[Ben]

So you don't know if you believe in, like, free will and that you made these choices and that choices were just made for you, and now you're just living it out?

[Kristen]

No, I think I'm making the choices and might ultimately become judged for them. I think my circumstances were not my choice, Chet. I was given a very particular set of circumstances. Yeah, Chet.

[Dave]

Do you think they're gonna say, congratulations, you made Dave and have a walrus stick?

[Kristen]

No, I think they're gonna say, maybe at first you were a little self involved, but how can we blame you for pursuing your dreams? And then you were so nice to everyone along the way. That's the most important thing.

[Ben]

Who's there?

[Kristen]

The spirits.

[Dave]

Do you think the spirit chief's gonna say you were selfish?

[Kristen]

I did read that true happiness and true joy will not be found if you're chasing this dream and you're climbing this mountain. The first mountain is not where you'll find the joy. You'll find the joy in the second mountain, which is when you've achieved what you want to achieve and realize there's no satisfaction from achieving those things, and you just start being good to everyone else. And Giving. And only through giving can true joy be felt.

[Ben]

But then isn't that selfish if you're just giving in order to feel joy? Like, shouldn't you just be giving to give back?

[Kristen]

I don't know.

[Ben]

Without the expectation of feeling joy or feeling anything from it. I don't think you're selfish when you are challenged. I think if you just get to do whatever you want.

[Kristen]

Well, I think we're both very similarly selfish. So we both have given ourselves the green light to be to live relatively selfishly. And then whenever it's inappropriate, we both kind of agree.

[Ben]

What do you think? I do. That's selfish.

[Kristen]

And to me, that's just a way of life. Like, you know, selfishness is just the way of life.

[Ben]

Oh.

[Kristen]

But not in, like, a way like, where it's like, you know, I just think we're all, you know, you're prioritizing your own happiness. You're not even prioritizing it, but, like, you're trying to make yourself as happy as possible. When things are in the way of that, you try to resist them.

[Dave]

What do you think Dave's selfish about?

[Ben]

He's not. I don't actually think he's that selfish. I think he, like, lived a selfish life. But then whenever I challenge you or I say, like, if I need help, you always show up. I mean, you were selfish about everything. When I first started dating you, you were literally, like, you had to have eight hours of sleep.

[Kristen]

Selfish.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

That's not selfish.

[Ben]

That's not selfish. That was a bad example. What? I don't know. You are the one that always says you're selfish.

[Dave]

He is about everything.

[Kristen]

It's a rep I've had just because I kind of minimally just live for to. I'm trying to be happy myself.

[Dave]

I think he's selfish about everything at, like, literally every single decision. But if you do push him on his selfishness, he's very quick to be like, oh, wait, okay. Yeah, for sure.

[Ben]

Like, I think that's a great thing about you.

[Kristen]

Well, that's what I'm saying.

[Dave]

I love. But you are very. I think. I think you pick the most selfish thing to be at every time. Unless someone is just like, hey, man, that's like. That really hurt my. If somebody brings in, like, no, it doesn't have. You have a lot of empathy when. When someone brings it in, but you don't notice it until they bring it to your attention.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Dave's so easy to do it with. Cause it's either this. It's either no Immediately, like. Or I know if there's any opening I can get him, and it's really. He really has. There is no reason for him to say no ever. Like, the only time I ever agree with the no now is if he has to go out of town to do something. But, like, the day, like. Because he fully makes his own schedule. Unless he's shooting a movie, like so. Or a television show. Do you send each other nudes?

[Kristen]

Oh, God.

[Ben]

Cool.

[Kristen]

Yeah, Chuck, I send an overhead shot of my boner to her.

[Dave]

Do you?

[Kristen]

Yeah, every day. No, I don't.

[Dave]

Have you ever. Has she ever sent you. Has he ever had. Has he ever sent you a nude?

[Kristen]

Never.

[Ben]

No, you were like. But I don't. I.

[Kristen]

You sent me, like, no visual, like, turn on picture ever.

[Ben]

Yeah, I don't know that I love dick pics.

[Dave]

Oh, no, check. There is one. The one where it looks like you have elephantitis of your penis.

[Kristen]

And the blue short sent that to you. Seriously? No, I think it was.

[Dave]

No, we sent it. And you were like, you see, I

[Kristen]

didn't make that as a nude. I made that because in the car we were together and we thought it looked funny. The world beats you down in your 30s.

[Ben]

The world beats you down a lot. And it is a never ending beat down.

[Kristen]

But not really for us. We're so lucky. We have the luckiest lives.

[Ben]

Well, I mean, stuff happens.

[Kristen]

Lucky, lucky.

[Dave]

Chuck, I thought you said we're so lanky.

[Kristen]

Don't you think you're so lucky?

[Dave]

I'm very thankful.

[Kristen]

Cause you're so lucky.

[Dave]

I'm very thankful for everything that's happened to me.

[Kristen]

Why won't you admit that it's luck?

[Dave]

I do think there's some luck in it, for sure.

[Kristen]

I mean, you could have been born.

[Ben]

Do you believe in free will?

[Dave]

Do you believe in Adams?

[Ben]

Do you believe that after Teenage Dream your life changed? I don't even. I don't know why I like to say Teenage Dream. I don't even know what your first song was.

[Kristen]

Teenage Dream.

[Ben]

All right.

[Kristen]

No.

[Dave]

Oh, I gotta piss.

[Kristen]

Go piss. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

[Ben]

Benny, how has therapy helped you maintain your mental health?

[Dave]

I mean, I'm nothing without my therapist. He's basically like a father to me. He's like another family member, except with. Without a biased opinion. And he helps me get through everything I need. Sometimes I come in and I feel like I know the answer. Sometimes I come in and I'm like a vase broken into a million pieces. And he helps put me together.

[Kristen]

Vase.

[Dave]

What Vase. Oh, it's not a vase.

[Ben]

I think it can be a vase, but it could also be a vase. But it could also be something that

[Dave]

you talk to your therapist about your mental health matters. Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] FKS that's betterhelp.com FKS now we're cooking. Therapy's important. You know what time it is.

[Kristen]

It really comes around every four years, and it keeps on coming.

[Dave]

Mm.

[Ben]

I know what you're talking about.

[Kristen]

Soccer or football. Yep. But we're in America and we're on Team usa and we got a lot of countries to. What?

[Dave]

Ooh. I'm not sure if that's who I would predict.

[Kristen]

Really?

[Ben]

What?

[Dave]

Well, I don't know.

[Ben]

I'm going for Spain. I got a cousin from Spain, so that's my place.

[Dave]

What about France?

[Ben]

And I love France too.

[Dave]

Brazil.

[Ben]

And I love Brazil.

[Kristen]

This is what's wrong with this country. You can predict the outcome of the pro soccer championships games all the way to the end of the tournament with FanDuel Predicts. Sign up and grab your $25 bonus on FanDuel Predicts and ride this playoff journey with us.

[Dave]

Sorry, I was just a little excited.

[Ben]

I like that.

[Kristen]

Let's talk about Canva for a second.

[Ben]

I have some things I want to say. Please. That I want to run by the two of you.

[Kristen]

Okay.

[Ben]

I took a picture of, you know, the shelf with all the plants and all the.

[Kristen]

Oh, the trinkets.

[Ben]

Trinkets. Yeah. I took it, I uploaded it, and I prompted it, and it can actually kind of, like, help you see it differently.

[Kristen]

Oh, like a little redesign.

[Ben]

A little redesign. It can move the plant.

[Kristen]

Oh, yeah. I mean, honestly, it's much better than doing the physical labor of having to shift every single thing around. But, I mean, wow, the fact that you can just, like, type in blah, blah, blah, get instant, like, more than feedback. Like, kind of like, this is what reality will be.

[Ben]

So I'll show you the options, and you guys can tell me which one you like.

[Kristen]

Yeah, we'll have to keep working hard to afford such luxuries in life. Canva makes design easy for anyone with built in AI that lets you remove, generate, and animate content in just a click. Start designing [e-mail].

[Ben]

do you wipe your hands every time you go to the bathroom? Wash your hands every time you go to the bathroom?

[Kristen]

Sitting down. And I don't touch anything. I don't wash my hands. But if I pee standing up or I poop and wipe my Butt. I wash my hands.

[Ben]

Do you wash your hands every time you go number two, even if you didn't get anything on your hand?

[Kristen]

I think if your hand is that close and there's only a thin sheet of paper between your asshole and all that fungus and that bungus, what then you have to wash. Do you wash

[Ben]

your hands after you go pee?

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ben]

I didn't hear it, but he holds

[Kristen]

his dick with his hand.

[Ben]

You have to hold it to, like, aim it.

[Dave]

I just put it.

[Kristen]

Yeah, you push it down. Yeah, he pushes it down. That's it.

[Dave]

Why so my dick. It just says, so a piece.

[Ben]

Can you pee with a boner?

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Pretty hard.

[Dave]

No, you can. You have to, like, move your body.

[Ben]

But why do you push it down? Like, I thought men, like, aimed it.

[Dave]

No, I just push it down against my.

[Ben]

It's a little bone.

[Kristen]

No, he's pushing it down to aim it. The reason you push it down is because if you didn't. Yeah, he's above the circle that you're

[Dave]

supposed to pee into. O. And pee in the right place.

[Ben]

When you're in a urinal, you can't see the other men's.

[Kristen]

Sometimes you can, sometimes you can.

[Ben]

Why don't they make a little blocker?

[Kristen]

There is half the time there is, but half the time there isn't.

[Ben]

And no one ever. Just you guys all respect each other.

[Kristen]

No people definitely. Look, I have no respect. I've had men standing next to me peeing and being like, I can't believe I'm peeing next to you. Like, don't worry, I'm not looking.

[Ben]

So do you feel peer pressure to use the urinal, or can't you just go use a stall?

[Dave]

I use a stall because I, like, can't bear. I didn't used to, but I do now. Like, it's. Yeah, I hate.

[Kristen]

Stalls are cool, but in public places, stalls, like, people have shit pissed. I don't understand how all the fucking shit is.

[Dave]

So everyone's like. It's grinding crazy. They're, like, in a public. Are the bathrooms disgusting in a female bathroom?

[Ben]

The space that they give men's bathrooms compared to the spit that they give women's bathrooms. Because you guys have urinals and stalls. Like, they give you so much more space. That's why there's always, like, such a long line outside of, like, the women's bathroom. And I just feel like, you know, women actually have to pee sometimes more especially if they're pregnant or other things.

[Dave]

Why do they even have urinals?

[Ben]

That's what I don't understand. I think for efficiency, because they can get more men in.

[Dave]

How many men got a piss?

[Kristen]

Every urinal, by the way, it's always designed in a way where the piss splatters on your legs.

[Ben]

Really?

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Dave]

I knew a lot.

[Ben]

I mean, to clean a urinal.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

You don't feel it because you're not wearing shorts. If you, like, wear short shorts, you'll feel how much piss ricochets every single time.

[Ben]

Here's the thing. You can't put toilet paper down a urinal, can you?

[Kristen]

But you don't have to wipe your dick.

[Ben]

Don't you have to pat it?

[Dave]

What?

[Kristen]

I mean, I do. I piss all over my dick. I pee on my dick.

[Dave]

You squeeze it like a toothpaste.

[Kristen]

Yeah. He wrings it out. He goes,

[Ben]

really? And there's never any moisture.

[Dave]

Well, I'll tell you. No matter how much you wiggle or how much you dance, the last drops always wind up in your pants.

[Kristen]

And I literally piss all over my dick and nuts because of my dick.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Dave]

His hand looks like he dipped it

[Kristen]

into a second finger, which is not really stopping anything. It's just stopping a ray from going out. But the fluid is still coming out, down, all over the nest.

[Dave]

This is crazy.

[Kristen]

Like, I can't stop the dam. I'm just, like, preventing the dam from bursting out onto the person next to me.

[Ben]

Do you find that if your urine is warmer that it. It goes in a different direction than if it's cold?

[Kristen]

What?

[Dave]

You're warm. Your piss is always warm.

[Kristen]

What do you mean goes in a different direction?

[Ben]

Like, sometimes when I've had to squat outside to pee, like, for whatever reason, if my body's too warm, it doesn't go. The urine kind of goes sideways.

[Kristen]

I have no clue what you're talking

[Ben]

about, but if it's cold, I think

[Dave]

you might have some stress.

[Kristen]

Where does the pee come out of the girl? It's not the main hole, right? It's a different small little hole underneath the clit. Is that what it is?

[Ben]

No, it's the urine hole.

[Kristen]

Where is that? Do you know where it is? Have you looked at your urine hole? I'm not like, what is the urine hole for a girl? What is it? I know. For a guy, it's in the middle of the dickhead. Where's the urine hole?

[Ben]

You can't see it.

[Kristen]

Have you ever seen it?

[Ben]

You can see it if you spread it.

[Kristen]

So it spread What?

[Ben]

Look.

[Kristen]

So you spread your vagina.

[Ben]

It's not the hole that the kid comes out of.

[Kristen]

No. Nor is it the clit. Where is it?

[Ben]

The clit is not a hole.

[Kristen]

I know. So where is it in relation to the clit?

[Ben]

I actually don't fully know.

[Kristen]

Have you ever seen it? Do you know how big it is? Is it like a pain prick? You have no idea.

[Ben]

I've never seen it.

[Kristen]

Never seen a diagram of it or anything?

[Ben]

No, I've seen a diagram of it, but I actually have never seen it.

[Kristen]

Do you pee. If you don't adjust your vagina, would you pee it against its, like, walls or. No.

[Ben]

You know what's annoying? Which I just figured out recently. I could. You know, if you're wearing a tan, this is, like, so unrelatable to you guys. But if you're wearing a tampon.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ben]

So I. My whole life have. I would pee without, like, moving the tampon string, which is just. Then it's. Then I would always be like, why is it wet?

[Kristen]

So you all girls should move the tampon string. And you just pissed into it all at all.

[Ben]

Yeah. And I couldn't figure it out. Like, I'd be like, why? Whenever I'm on my period.

[Kristen]

Yeah.

[Ben]

And I like, well, my underwear. But it's the tampon string. Or you take it out and you put it in one, and it is the maintenance.

[Kristen]

What you haven't noticed in your 30s, you're like, Ooh. Yeah.

[Ben]

I learned that women peak in their 30s sexually.

[Kristen]

Oh.

[Dave]

Oh. Big day.

[Ben]

Big dog.

[Kristen]

Wait, so when.

[Ben]

I don't know, 33 feels like. Feels like you got a little taste of it on our honeymoon.

[Dave]

Man.

[Ben]

That's a.

[Dave]

What? You guys keep talking about this honeymoon a lot.

[Ben]

Mm. Sexually, we had a really fun honeymoon. I think it was the volcanic energy of the.

[Dave]

What do you think, Bert, when you

[Kristen]

look back at your 30s, when you're 70.

[Dave]

But how will we know this answer?

[Kristen]

I'm just. You can't project. I don't know.

[Ben]

Does the color.

[Kristen]

Yeah, you can't project. I said project. You know what that word means? Project.

[Dave]

Yeah, but you have to finish the statement for it to make sense.

[Kristen]

Well, I was interrupted because you didn't understand the concept of projecting.

[Dave]

Okay. What are you projecting when you're 70

[Kristen]

and you look back?

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

At your 30s, you're going to have a flash of an image in your head. What do you think it's going to be like, one flag? A.

[Dave]

Still not the best orange. Not the best word. Use of projection.

[Ben]

Orange.

[Dave]

We'll let it slide. Not a great use of it, but not totally off base. But not a great use I see

[Ben]

the number 30 as the color orange.

[Kristen]

And if I said predict, it would have totally been perfect.

[Dave]

Better. I think you're what would you predict?

[Kristen]

I think you're picking the wrong battle.

[Dave]

I really think if we go back on it. Yeah.

[Kristen]

Hey, let us know who won this micro battle rejection. Yay or nay? Like comment? Subscribe what would I thanks everybody.