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Dave
The dirty 30.
Ben
Fuck me, I'm way past 30.
Kristen
The 30s are a time to reflect and take it all in. See you on the other side. We'll be back again next week. Sometimes in the beginning of our relationship, I would imagine that we were sharing the same floor at work and that she was like assistant account person for like a different brand and. Oh, that's cool.
Dave
Like sexually.
Kristen
Yeah, I would imagine like fucking like next to the Xerox machine or whatever.
Ben
Yeah, I love a work crush. Work crushes are so innocent. I think they keep you a little bit alive. But I never crossed the border.
Kristen
Work crushers. You never had one, right?
Ben
Any other refs he never liked? He never worked at like a company?
Kristen
No, he worked for the refs. He was one of the refs.
Ben
Yeah. When you were 13, when you were working in the working world.
Kristen
Yeah. I would dress up the day for your work crush. You know what I mean?
Ben
Yeah. It got me out of bed 15 minutes earlier.
Dave
Who was your biggest work crush?
Ben
It was more respect, I guess. And it's more of respect.
Dave
His name was Respect.
Kristen
Work Respect.
Dave
His name was Work Respect.
Kristen
Get a grip. And his name wasn't Work Respect.
Dave
Chuck, who was your work crush? What was her name? Sandy Finkelstein.
Kristen
I'm not naming any names. I just remember there was a girl who like, you know, was Cube adjacent one time. Cube adjacent at like this ad agency in Philly. It was just cool.
Dave
It wasn't really.
Kristen
It was just cool. It was just good energy to have like a opposite sex, similar aged woman. You're chit chatting. I forget if we were in relationships or what.
Ben
I never even really chit chatted with them. I just. It was just in my head to. It was just a little slightly more exciting to say I respect you in my head. Not that I didn't respect the other people. I take that back. I respected everybody. It's a very innocent thing that I shouldn't have to defend to you two corndogs.
Kristen
No, you don't have to defend.
Ben
I'm the most loyal, am I not?
Kristen
To the soil.
Ben
To the soil. I'm loyal to the soil.
Kristen
She is so loyal.
Dave
Have you had a work crash since you've been dating Bird?
Ben
Hell no.
Kristen
Chuck, you wanna come inside and fill up a java real quick? What, do you want to stay there frozen in time and space? I just found out a lot about the universe, by the way.
Ben
Oh, I'd love to hear more.
Dave
What'd you find?
Kristen
I'm not really able to be good at freezing. Yeah, you were Good.
Ben
Tell me what you learned.
Dave
Can you stay still? Mochi? Try to stay. Okay. We all have to try to stay completely still. Who's going to go first? Okay, Chuck, we're going to assess Kristen first. Okay, you're going to freeze right now. And you're just frozen. You're frozen in time. Oh, you just blinked. So. And you moved your mouth and you moved everywhere else. That's not true. Maybe she'll start freezing now. Now one of your eyes is drooping as if you just had a stroke. Oh, Chuck's frozen now.
Ben
He's swaying.
Dave
Oh, his is so good. Chuck, I didn't realize you had freckles all over your iris.
Ben
Oh, it's his Vinusha.
Dave
It's so easy for him to do it. Cause his jaw is like it's being held up.
Ben
What's the thing on your eye, Dave? What's it called?
Dave
Chuck something.
Ben
Poop.
Kristen
Chuck.
Dave
That can't. There's no way that can be your breath. It's got. Chuck, I think it might be a little bit your breath. You had tuna fish, didn't you?
Ben
All right.
Dave
Okay, Chuck, you're done.
Ben
You won.
Kristen
I won.
Dave
Well, I didn't even go yet. Oh, my God.
Kristen
My contacts fell out.
Dave
I didn't even start much. You want me to try?
Kristen
Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ben
I wanna see you freeze and throw.
Kristen
Was that impressive?
Dave
It was very impressive.
Ben
I don't know that any of this is that impressive.
Dave
I think it's pretty impressive.
Kristen
I'm good at staring contests.
Ben
I'm not.
Dave
Okay, freeze. Right?
Ben
No, I'll tell you when. Okay, now. I mean, you are moving just as much. Isn't he? You're swaying. Can neither of you guys.
Kristen
No, he's good right now. Right now.
Dave
He's good.
Kristen
It's okay. Don't look at us. Or now you gotta stay looking at us. He's good.
Ben
Yeah. What a skill to have.
Kristen
Just stay like that. I just wanna. Don't move. Cause I really wanna get it. I really wanna get this on camera.
Ben
Bunny. Maybe your second talent is you can just freeze.
Kristen
Freaky smile. 4.
Dave
Did that scare you? Yeah, that was cool.
Ben
Do you ever feel like after you've smiled for a long time, it's like it's so hard to produce a smile. No, like when you're chit chatting or making small talk with people.
Kristen
Like, I never think I have to smile. I think I have to look in their eyes, listen to what they're saying. I never think I have to smile.
Ben
I'm not good at, like, casually getting out of the small.
Kristen
I'll keep it going out is I get a lot of anxiety about getting out.
Ben
Yeah.
Kristen
One of the things that really stresses me out that I fear in life. I don't care who it's with. It could be like maybe you're two. The only two people I wouldn't have this concern with would be like an eight hour car ride where it's me and one other person. Like, I've never experienced that. I think that the thought of that is terrifying. I think I don't even.
Dave
You just experienced it with me three days ago.
Kristen
No, just one on one. And you're probably the only two people I can do it with. It's not that I'm scared of the silence. I'd have to have music on. I would never be able to do it without music on to anchor the background.
Dave
Do you guys talk the whole time you're driving somewhere? Yeah.
Ben
Yeah. No, we don't.
Kristen
We don't have many silent moments.
Ben
Yes, we do. Recently I started saying, let's have some silent moments.
Kristen
Right?
Dave
Oh, Selena. Me and Selena have many silent moments.
Ben
Benny and I talk the most of all of your friends.
Kristen
Yeah, you both talk so much.
Ben
Who do you think talks more?
Dave
You. Wow.
Ben
Really?
Kristen
You both talk so much and I love it. Like, I think that's why I'm the perfect best friend for each of you. That's how much I fear the silent moment is that I never have to even worry about it with you guys. I kind of just get to re to whatever nonsense either one of you are spewing out of your mouth.
Dave
Isn't it crazy, Dave? You would think he was like a big talker.
Ben
You'll talk a lot if there's an argument to be made or if you feel like prove someone wrong. Do you need to seek justice?
Kristen
Well, yeah. Every vigilante would speak up when justice needed to be. Needed to be.
Dave
It looks like your brain just froze. You might be having a stroke right now. Wait, how old are you, machi?
Ben
35. Ooh. What do you mean? I'm like so much younger than you guys. You guys literally are in a grade above me.
Dave
Wow.
Ben
You're like, pretty much. It is so good.
Kristen
Once he learns that a woman is 35 or up, that's what his body does.
Dave
Yeah, my body's not even controlled.
Ben
What are you. Are you ditching? Are you pushing the 35 year old? Are you with the 35 year old?
Dave
My partner's 33.
Ben
We've had the 30s conversation so much between Dave and I, I'd like to
Kristen
know what's the 30s conversation?
Ben
Because we first started dating, I was 30 and I said, it's just a different world for women to be 30. Now I've taken on a new approach to my 30s, where instead of. I actually saw this little quote and now I've really attached to it. It says, it said something like, in your 30s, you feel like you're running out of time, but really you can just take your time.
Dave
Woo.
Kristen
But is that really true?
Ben
Yeah. I don't know why we have to be so scared that we're running out of time.
Kristen
Body starts shutting down, other kids start popping up. Kids, kids, kids. The ones that come out of you.
Ben
Yeah. But that's one of the things that comes into play. Forward to being in your 30s.
Kristen
Yeah. But your life changes. It totally changes. There's no bigger life change or I haven't had kids, but I know for a fact there's nothing even remotely close to the life changing dynamic that having kids would take.
Dave
Do you think you're prepared for kids?
Kristen
No, I don't think anyone's prepared. And I think I'm very. I do think I'm. I look at it as like life one and life two. No, kids, life one. Kids, life two. I feel pretty satisfied with life one. So I'm ready.
Dave
I'm gonna do a little exercise here.
Kristen
Okay.
Dave
Where I'm going to be a child at a different age.
Kristen
Okay.
Dave
And you have to, you have to assess the situation and figure out what you're gonna do.
Kristen
Okay. And if you behave kind of like a kid that you shouldn't at that age, I'm gonna call you out and send you to the loony bin or something.
Dave
Okay. I'm going to start. We're going to start at two, Start at six months. Okay.
Kristen
Six months. Okay. Zero cognition, so it doesn't even matter. Kristen.
Dave
Oh, stop, stop.
Kristen
I'm not playing if that's how you stop. You want to do it or should I?
Dave
I'll do it.
Kristen
All right.
Ben
Just comfortably.
Kristen
Okay. Okay.
Ben
Hey, that's good.
Kristen
I know what he's going to do. He's going to do it again or something. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. No, no, no, it is okay. It was my fault. I shouldn't have had the negative energy. It's my fault.
Ben
Good job.
Dave
Now I'm.
Ben
Good job.
Dave
Okay, Chuck, you ready?
Ben
But you could have also said, I'm carrying.
Kristen
You were doing anything physical.
Ben
You could have been like, maybe he's hungry. Maybe I should have changed his diaper. Maybe he.
Kristen
The first thing he Did. I don't know.
Dave
You guys should get in a fight about it.
Ben
Yeah. Your mom pulled me aside and she said, make sure as soon as you guys have that kid, like, day one, make sure he teach him how to change the diaper.
Kristen
It's like tuna fish. I was grandfathered in when I ate it when I was young, and now I eat it even though I would never do it now. It doesn't fit my eating palate. What if you get me in early? I'll do it for life.
Dave
Hey, John.
Kristen
What are you gonna say now?
Dave
I'm two and a half. You ready? One, two, three.
Kristen
Hey, hey, hey, john, john.
Ben
Jack.
Dave
Yeah.
Kristen
Come here right now, please.
Dave
Okay.
Kristen
Come here.
Dave
Okay. Oh.
Kristen
Okay. That's it. Okay.
Ben
Pull up your pants.
Kristen
Oh, no. I guess he's too young to punish. All right, all right. Just stop him. They don't move this fast.
Dave
What are you talking about?
Kristen
They don't move this fast.
Dave
Yes, they do. They're so agile. They go like this. They're like.
Kristen
Not at this speed.
Ben
Hey, Jack.
Dave
They're like, jack, John.
Ben
I thought, no, Jack.
Dave
And they're just like.
Kristen
Oh, Jack. Yeah, check.
Dave
They're like. They move pretty quick. I'm dealing with one right now. Okay.
Ben
I would say, jack, I know you have a lot of energy, but. Ooh, look at the toy over there. Playing with that toy.
Dave
But then I'd throw it. Okay, now I'm five. Okay.
Ben
Why are you depressed?
Dave
I don't wanna. I don't wanna sleep alone. I'm scared.
Kristen
You can sleep with us.
Dave
I can?
Kristen
Yeah. Just tonight. Just tonight, my love.
Dave
But you said no.
Ben
And you said yes, you can. For the rest of your life.
Dave
For the rest of my life? Yeah.
Kristen
Whatever your mom says goes. You know the rules.
Dave
For the rest of my life, I'm gonna sleep between you guys.
Kristen
All right. We don't have to take this skit further.
Dave
I'm just sleeping between you guys. Don't fuck tonight, okay?
Kristen
We won't.
Dave
Now I'm 13. Okay.
Kristen
I couldn't have it at all.
Dave
You just caught me smoking weed for the first time.
Kristen
Sit down, Jack. Where were you?
Dave
Um. Why?
Kristen
It's not hard to figure out. Where were you?
Dave
I was with my friend. Where, though?
Kristen
I didn't say, what were you doing? I said, where were you?
Dave
We were at Jack's house.
Ben
You still hanging around Jack?
Dave
Yeah. He's got the same name as me. He's cool.
Ben
Here's what I'll say. I know you were smoking weed.
Dave
What do you mean? But, dad, you smoke weed every Time you high freestyle.
Kristen
Yeah, but Jack, I wasn't allowed to eat. Like, smoking weed was such a scary thing to me when I was your age. Cause my parents really, like, made it seem like that would be such an impossibility. I get so punished. And I was really scared as a result. So I worked hard and I really, like, maximized my full potential. And that's what I want for you. And then eventually, when you're an adult and you want to smoke weed, you can make that choice.
Dave
But dad, don't you think that, like, all the knowledge you found is that, like, smoking weed isn't even that bad and it's legal?
Kristen
I don't really seek this knowledge. I haven't found any knowledge. I just.
Dave
Why do you smoke it?
Kristen
Honestly? Because I feel like sometimes reality isn't satisfying enough.
Dave
Well, that's how I feel.
Kristen
Yeah, it sucks. Don't be like me, kid.
Dave
But I want to be like you. You're my hero.
Kristen
Be like me in all the other ways. Not this one. Or at least try not to be.
Dave
I tried not to. And my friends were still young. Still young.
Kristen
You got to do it till you're 18. You don't even know anything yet. But what I was thinking when I was 13 is what I think now.
Dave
Would I even get in trouble?
Kristen
Yeah.
Dave
How much trouble do I get in?
Kristen
I'm not gonna fucking do a book report. John.
Ben
Here's what I. Sorry to interrupt the role playing. Here's what I do think. You have to change. Every kid's different. Like, you can't just apply.
Dave
I'm your son, Jack.
Ben
Because if I. If you think about, like, if you depending on the kid, they could just push them to do more stuff.
Dave
Okay? Now, Chuck, I'm your daughter and I'm 14 years old. And you just caught me coming back from a party and I'm a little drunk and it looks like I might have gotten a little frisky.
Kristen
What does that mean? Looks like it.
Ben
Wait, how?
Dave
Like, you're just drunk. No, but you've heard. You've heard that, like, I have like a. Like some. Like my brother said that I have a boyfriend.
Ben
I have one. I'm not at home. You're about to go leave and hang out with a car full of boys. You see your daughter leaving, her shirt's see through.
Dave
Bye, Daddy.
Kristen
Whoa, Stevie.
Dave
Yeah?
Kristen
Where'd you.
Ben
What?
Kristen
Where?
Dave
What?
Kristen
Have fun. Have fun. I'll see you later, okay?
Dave
You sure?
Kristen
Yeah. You're in charge of, like, what?
Ben
I'm not there.
Dave
You sure? I can have Fun.
Ben
She's about to get in the car with a bunch of men.
Kristen
Feel like it's like, inappropriate to even comment on it or something. I don't know. Okay, sit down.
Ben
You could say, sit down, Stevie. You just push me.
Dave
I don't know, Stevie.
Ben
Maybe your shirt is a little see through and inappropriate. You should be able to wear whatever you want. I just wanted to. I also don't think it's the best look getting into the car.
Dave
Well, you're not here.
Kristen
Who knows what the fashion's gonna be like.
Dave
You're not here. The fashion's even more in van.
Kristen
You've put in so much time that it would have taken.
Ben
Yeah, but you also want to guide your children, like, to make the right choices.
Dave
Okay, Daddy, I'll see you later.
Kristen
Stevie, I think you need to cover up a little bit. Wear a sweater. You should not be. You're going in a car with boys.
Dave
Yeah.
Kristen
Why are you wearing that?
Dave
Wearing what?
Kristen
You're not allowed to wear that shirt. Please put on a more appropriate shirt. Thanks, Stevie.
Dave
Why is it inappropriate?
Ben
I'm a friend to Erica.
Kristen
Erica. Unfortunately, what you think really has no relevance to see under this roof.
Ben
No, I. It's so inappropriate that you would objectify our bodies like that. We're like becoming women. And I want her to show Janie. Erica.
Kristen
Okay, Stevie, go upstairs for one second.
Dave
Go upstairs.
Kristen
Go upstairs too.
Dave
Why? I gotta go to the party.
Kristen
You don't. You're grounded. You can talk to your friend Bethany.
Dave
Why am I grounded?
Kristen
Because you're hanging out with way too fast of a crowd.
Dave
Hmm.
Kristen
Which is something I was told when I was young.
Dave
What do you think? Are you having fun in your 30s?
Kristen
30s is great.
Ben
I think our 30s are different than most 30s.
Kristen
Well, I think 30 is the new 40. I mean, 30 is the new 20. 40 is the new 30.
Dave
So 90s, the new 80.
Ben
I feel like my face moves like Jim Carrey in the mask.
Kristen
Wow, it does look like.
Dave
Try to do your ugliest face.
Kristen
KFC box Feast.
Dave
Oh, my God. What is this?
Kristen
It's a part of the KFC box feast.
Dave
Oh, my God.
Kristen
It is really good. Show the box so they can know what the feast is.
Dave
This is an $11 box. Take a look at this. You see this chicken?
Kristen
Show the thickness of the patty.
Dave
Look at the thickness of a patty. This is grade A chicken.
Ben
Look at the thickness of the nugget.
Kristen
I mean, they call this a nugget. This looks like a big nugget.
Ben
When I think of a nugget, I Think this is like a real nugget. You know, I think of this as a real nugget compared to other nuggets.
Kristen
That's a nugget of wisdom. Time to feast. Prices and participation may vary. Tax, tip and fees extra.
Dave
This is the best thing I've ever tasted. We respect you more.
Ben
Funny.
Kristen
Olipop time. Let's debate which summer flavor is the best.
Dave
Raspberry sherbert. Very easy to bake. Next question.
Ben
Absolutely no debate. They even brought this one back because it was so popular.
Kristen
What is it?
Ben
This one.
Kristen
BlackBerry vanilla.
Dave
This is so good. It reminds me of when I was a kid. I used to go to this place called Hoffman's with my grandmother in upstate New York and it was delicious. All by the area.
Ben
Have you had this one, though?
Kristen
Buy any 2 cans of Olipop in store and they'll pay you back for one. Any flavor, any retailer. Go to drinkollipop.com fks Equally delicious with
Dave
no memory attached to.
Kristen
Can we talk about David? David. Protein. You know more about protein than us. Why don't you talk about it?
Dave
I will tell you right now. Right now, I'm holding a blueberry pie flavored bar in my hands. This thing has 150 calories and 28 grams of protein. You're gonna be having Bazooka arms in no time. Right, Kristen?
Ben
I mean, I did eat one of these earlier when I was great.
Dave
I know when your arms are looking.
Ben
I had the chocolate. I had the chocolate chip cookie dough.
Dave
Chocolate chip cookie dough's amazing. Blueberry pie is amazing. Red velvet's amazing.
Kristen
I just gotta eat this stuff to get stronger. I have to lift weights too.
Ben
You might want to lift weights too.
Dave
You might want to do both. David is available at Walmart stores Nationwide and on Walmart.com youm could try a single bar for only $2.97.
Kristen
Go grab one for yourself.
Ben
It's gonna be sad when we get old and then our friends and our partners die.
Kristen
Yeah, the end of life.
Ben
Like, I don't want to be the last. Or actually, maybe I do want to be the last man standing.
Dave
Chuck, what would you do if I died?
Kristen
Why are we talking about this?
Dave
I want to know. Chuck. Chuck, would your entire world collapse?
Ben
You know what your mom says? Which is a really good little sound bite. What she says, getting older is just about managing loss.
Kristen
Guys, we are in our 30s. I don't know why we're talking about this. Do you guys.
Dave
Why do we get. Why do we get so scared to talk about death? It's a real thing.
Kristen
Okay, Keep talking about death. I'll just chill.
Ben
Do you guys prefer a wood fireplace or a gas fireplace?
Kristen
I prefer when it's gas and there's things that look like real wood in there.
Dave
Yeah, I prefer real wood. Wait, guys. Listen to this sound. Okay, you ready? Never mind. I get that.
Ben
That's really good stuff.
Dave
Ben, you want to hear. You want to see something really cool?
Ben
Sure.
Dave
Wait.
Ben
Yeah, that's great.
Dave
That one's good. Fuck. Hold on. Wow.
Ben
That's so good.
Kristen
That's incredible. All three of those notes should be equally valued.
Dave
That was a great one.
Ben
Yeah, you're like a Foley artist, you know, and they're like, yeah, you could do it.
Kristen
I wonder if life has beaten down my spirit.
Ben
No, you have a good spirit. Life. Life was beating down my spirit.
Dave
What turned it around? Bird.
Kristen
You know, if you guys recall, when we walked inside, I said, I've learned a lot of new things about the universe.
Ben
What'd you learn?
Kristen
Actually, I haven't. My life is a lot like how I imagined, like, you know, my life would be. Oftentimes, I wonder, like, was I just given my perfect life to just test me to see if I do it the right way, and then at the end, they're just like, you totally misplayed your hand, or like, well done, you learned the lessons and you were a good guy.
Ben
So you don't know if you believe in, like, free will and that you made these choices and that choices were just made for you, and now you're just living it out?
Kristen
No, I think I'm making the choices and might ultimately become judged for them. I think my circumstances were not my choice, Chet. I was given a very particular set of circumstances. Yeah, Chet.
Dave
Do you think they're gonna say, congratulations, you made Dave and have a walrus stick?
Kristen
No, I think they're gonna say, maybe at first you were a little self involved, but how can we blame you for pursuing your dreams? And then you were so nice to everyone along the way. That's the most important thing.
Ben
Who's there?
Kristen
The spirits.
Dave
Do you think the spirit chief's gonna say you were selfish?
Kristen
I did read that true happiness and true joy will not be found if you're chasing this dream and you're climbing this mountain. The first mountain is not where you'll find the joy. You'll find the joy in the second mountain, which is when you've achieved what you want to achieve and realize there's no satisfaction from achieving those things, and you just start being good to everyone else. And Giving. And only through giving can true joy be felt.
Ben
But then isn't that selfish if you're just giving in order to feel joy? Like, shouldn't you just be giving to give back?
Kristen
I don't know.
Ben
Without the expectation of feeling joy or feeling anything from it. I don't think you're selfish when you are challenged. I think if you just get to do whatever you want.
Kristen
Well, I think we're both very similarly selfish. So we both have given ourselves the green light to be to live relatively selfishly. And then whenever it's inappropriate, we both kind of agree.
Ben
What do you think? I do. That's selfish.
Kristen
And to me, that's just a way of life. Like, you know, selfishness is just the way of life.
Ben
Oh.
Kristen
But not in, like, a way like, where it's like, you know, I just think we're all, you know, you're prioritizing your own happiness. You're not even prioritizing it, but, like, you're trying to make yourself as happy as possible. When things are in the way of that, you try to resist them.
Dave
What do you think Dave's selfish about?
Ben
He's not. I don't actually think he's that selfish. I think he, like, lived a selfish life. But then whenever I challenge you or I say, like, if I need help, you always show up. I mean, you were selfish about everything. When I first started dating you, you were literally, like, you had to have eight hours of sleep.
Kristen
Selfish.
Dave
Yeah.
Kristen
That's not selfish.
Ben
That's not selfish. That was a bad example. What? I don't know. You are the one that always says you're selfish.
Dave
He is about everything.
Kristen
It's a rep I've had just because I kind of minimally just live for to. I'm trying to be happy myself.
Dave
I think he's selfish about everything at, like, literally every single decision. But if you do push him on his selfishness, he's very quick to be like, oh, wait, okay. Yeah, for sure.
Ben
Like, I think that's a great thing about you.
Kristen
Well, that's what I'm saying.
Dave
I love. But you are very. I think. I think you pick the most selfish thing to be at every time. Unless someone is just like, hey, man, that's like. That really hurt my. If somebody brings in, like, no, it doesn't have. You have a lot of empathy when. When someone brings it in, but you don't notice it until they bring it to your attention.
Ben
Yeah.
Dave
Dave's so easy to do it with. Cause it's either this. It's either no Immediately, like. Or I know if there's any opening I can get him, and it's really. He really has. There is no reason for him to say no ever. Like, the only time I ever agree with the no now is if he has to go out of town to do something. But, like, the day, like. Because he fully makes his own schedule. Unless he's shooting a movie, like so. Or a television show. Do you send each other nudes?
Kristen
Oh, God.
Ben
Cool.
Kristen
Yeah, Chuck, I send an overhead shot of my boner to her.
Dave
Do you?
Kristen
Yeah, every day. No, I don't.
Dave
Have you ever. Has she ever sent you. Has he ever had. Has he ever sent you a nude?
Kristen
Never.
Ben
No, you were like. But I don't. I.
Kristen
You sent me, like, no visual, like, turn on picture ever.
Ben
Yeah, I don't know that I love dick pics.
Dave
Oh, no, check. There is one. The one where it looks like you have elephantitis of your penis.
Kristen
And the blue short sent that to you. Seriously? No, I think it was.
Dave
No, we sent it. And you were like, you see, I
Kristen
didn't make that as a nude. I made that because in the car we were together and we thought it looked funny. The world beats you down in your 30s.
Ben
The world beats you down a lot. And it is a never ending beat down.
Kristen
But not really for us. We're so lucky. We have the luckiest lives.
Ben
Well, I mean, stuff happens.
Kristen
Lucky, lucky.
Dave
Chuck, I thought you said we're so lanky.
Kristen
Don't you think you're so lucky?
Dave
I'm very thankful.
Kristen
Cause you're so lucky.
Dave
I'm very thankful for everything that's happened to me.
Kristen
Why won't you admit that it's luck?
Dave
I do think there's some luck in it, for sure.
Kristen
I mean, you could have been born.
Ben
Do you believe in free will?
Dave
Do you believe in Adams?
Ben
Do you believe that after Teenage Dream your life changed? I don't even. I don't know why I like to say Teenage Dream. I don't even know what your first song was.
Kristen
Teenage Dream.
Ben
All right.
Kristen
No.
Dave
Oh, I gotta piss.
Kristen
Go piss. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.
Ben
Benny, how has therapy helped you maintain your mental health?
Dave
I mean, I'm nothing without my therapist. He's basically like a father to me. He's like another family member, except with. Without a biased opinion. And he helps me get through everything I need. Sometimes I come in and I feel like I know the answer. Sometimes I come in and I'm like a vase broken into a million pieces. And he helps put me together.
Kristen
Vase.
Dave
What Vase. Oh, it's not a vase.
Ben
I think it can be a vase, but it could also be a vase. But it could also be something that
Dave
you talk to your therapist about your mental health matters. Sign up and get 10% off@betterhelp.com FKS that's betterhelp.com FKS now we're cooking. Therapy's important. You know what time it is.
Kristen
It really comes around every four years, and it keeps on coming.
Dave
Mm.
Ben
I know what you're talking about.
Kristen
Soccer or football. Yep. But we're in America and we're on Team usa and we got a lot of countries to. What?
Dave
Ooh. I'm not sure if that's who I would predict.
Kristen
Really?
Ben
What?
Dave
Well, I don't know.
Ben
I'm going for Spain. I got a cousin from Spain, so that's my place.
Dave
What about France?
Ben
And I love France too.
Dave
Brazil.
Ben
And I love Brazil.
Kristen
This is what's wrong with this country. You can predict the outcome of the pro soccer championships games all the way to the end of the tournament with FanDuel Predicts. Sign up and grab your $25 bonus on FanDuel Predicts and ride this playoff journey with us.
Dave
Sorry, I was just a little excited.
Ben
I like that.
Kristen
Let's talk about Canva for a second.
Ben
I have some things I want to say. Please. That I want to run by the two of you.
Kristen
Okay.
Ben
I took a picture of, you know, the shelf with all the plants and all the.
Kristen
Oh, the trinkets.
Ben
Trinkets. Yeah. I took it, I uploaded it, and I prompted it, and it can actually kind of, like, help you see it differently.
Kristen
Oh, like a little redesign.
Ben
A little redesign. It can move the plant.
Kristen
Oh, yeah. I mean, honestly, it's much better than doing the physical labor of having to shift every single thing around. But, I mean, wow, the fact that you can just, like, type in blah, blah, blah, get instant, like, more than feedback. Like, kind of like, this is what reality will be.
Ben
So I'll show you the options, and you guys can tell me which one you like.
Kristen
Yeah, we'll have to keep working hard to afford such luxuries in life. Canva makes design easy for anyone with built in AI that lets you remove, generate, and animate content in just a click. Start designing today@canva.com.
Ben
do you wipe your hands every time you go to the bathroom? Wash your hands every time you go to the bathroom?
Kristen
Sitting down. And I don't touch anything. I don't wash my hands. But if I pee standing up or I poop and wipe my Butt. I wash my hands.
Ben
Do you wash your hands every time you go number two, even if you didn't get anything on your hand?
Kristen
I think if your hand is that close and there's only a thin sheet of paper between your asshole and all that fungus and that bungus, what then you have to wash. Do you wash
Ben
your hands after you go pee?
Dave
Yeah.
Ben
I didn't hear it, but he holds
Kristen
his dick with his hand.
Ben
You have to hold it to, like, aim it.
Dave
I just put it.
Kristen
Yeah, you push it down. Yeah, he pushes it down. That's it.
Dave
Why so my dick. It just says, so a piece.
Ben
Can you pee with a boner?
Dave
Yeah.
Kristen
Pretty hard.
Dave
No, you can. You have to, like, move your body.
Ben
But why do you push it down? Like, I thought men, like, aimed it.
Dave
No, I just push it down against my.
Ben
It's a little bone.
Kristen
No, he's pushing it down to aim it. The reason you push it down is because if you didn't. Yeah, he's above the circle that you're
Dave
supposed to pee into. O. And pee in the right place.
Ben
When you're in a urinal, you can't see the other men's.
Kristen
Sometimes you can, sometimes you can.
Ben
Why don't they make a little blocker?
Kristen
There is half the time there is, but half the time there isn't.
Ben
And no one ever. Just you guys all respect each other.
Kristen
No people definitely. Look, I have no respect. I've had men standing next to me peeing and being like, I can't believe I'm peeing next to you. Like, don't worry, I'm not looking.
Ben
So do you feel peer pressure to use the urinal, or can't you just go use a stall?
Dave
I use a stall because I, like, can't bear. I didn't used to, but I do now. Like, it's. Yeah, I hate.
Kristen
Stalls are cool, but in public places, stalls, like, people have shit pissed. I don't understand how all the fucking shit is.
Dave
So everyone's like. It's grinding crazy. They're, like, in a public. Are the bathrooms disgusting in a female bathroom?
Ben
The space that they give men's bathrooms compared to the spit that they give women's bathrooms. Because you guys have urinals and stalls. Like, they give you so much more space. That's why there's always, like, such a long line outside of, like, the women's bathroom. And I just feel like, you know, women actually have to pee sometimes more especially if they're pregnant or other things.
Dave
Why do they even have urinals?
Ben
That's what I don't understand. I think for efficiency, because they can get more men in.
Dave
How many men got a piss?
Kristen
Every urinal, by the way, it's always designed in a way where the piss splatters on your legs.
Ben
Really?
Kristen
Yeah.
Dave
I knew a lot.
Ben
I mean, to clean a urinal.
Dave
Yeah.
Kristen
You don't feel it because you're not wearing shorts. If you, like, wear short shorts, you'll feel how much piss ricochets every single time.
Ben
Here's the thing. You can't put toilet paper down a urinal, can you?
Kristen
But you don't have to wipe your dick.
Ben
Don't you have to pat it?
Dave
What?
Kristen
I mean, I do. I piss all over my dick. I pee on my dick.
Dave
You squeeze it like a toothpaste.
Kristen
Yeah. He wrings it out. He goes,
Ben
really? And there's never any moisture.
Dave
Well, I'll tell you. No matter how much you wiggle or how much you dance, the last drops always wind up in your pants.
Kristen
And I literally piss all over my dick and nuts because of my dick.
Ben
Yeah.
Dave
His hand looks like he dipped it
Kristen
into a second finger, which is not really stopping anything. It's just stopping a ray from going out. But the fluid is still coming out, down, all over the nest.
Dave
This is crazy.
Kristen
Like, I can't stop the dam. I'm just, like, preventing the dam from bursting out onto the person next to me.
Ben
Do you find that if your urine is warmer that it. It goes in a different direction than if it's cold?
Kristen
What?
Dave
You're warm. Your piss is always warm.
Kristen
What do you mean goes in a different direction?
Ben
Like, sometimes when I've had to squat outside to pee, like, for whatever reason, if my body's too warm, it doesn't go. The urine kind of goes sideways.
Kristen
I have no clue what you're talking
Ben
about, but if it's cold, I think
Dave
you might have some stress.
Kristen
Where does the pee come out of the girl? It's not the main hole, right? It's a different small little hole underneath the clit. Is that what it is?
Ben
No, it's the urine hole.
Kristen
Where is that? Do you know where it is? Have you looked at your urine hole? I'm not like, what is the urine hole for a girl? What is it? I know. For a guy, it's in the middle of the dickhead. Where's the urine hole?
Ben
You can't see it.
Kristen
Have you ever seen it?
Ben
You can see it if you spread it.
Kristen
So it spread What?
Ben
Look.
Kristen
So you spread your vagina.
Ben
It's not the hole that the kid comes out of.
Kristen
No. Nor is it the clit. Where is it?
Ben
The clit is not a hole.
Kristen
I know. So where is it in relation to the clit?
Ben
I actually don't fully know.
Kristen
Have you ever seen it? Do you know how big it is? Is it like a pain prick? You have no idea.
Ben
I've never seen it.
Kristen
Never seen a diagram of it or anything?
Ben
No, I've seen a diagram of it, but I actually have never seen it.
Kristen
Do you pee. If you don't adjust your vagina, would you pee it against its, like, walls or. No.
Ben
You know what's annoying? Which I just figured out recently. I could. You know, if you're wearing a tan, this is, like, so unrelatable to you guys. But if you're wearing a tampon.
Dave
Yeah.
Ben
So I. My whole life have. I would pee without, like, moving the tampon string, which is just. Then it's. Then I would always be like, why is it wet?
Kristen
So you all girls should move the tampon string. And you just pissed into it all at all.
Ben
Yeah. And I couldn't figure it out. Like, I'd be like, why? Whenever I'm on my period.
Kristen
Yeah.
Ben
And I like, well, my underwear. But it's the tampon string. Or you take it out and you put it in one, and it is the maintenance.
Kristen
What you haven't noticed in your 30s, you're like, Ooh. Yeah.
Ben
I learned that women peak in their 30s sexually.
Kristen
Oh.
Dave
Oh. Big day.
Ben
Big dog.
Kristen
Wait, so when.
Ben
I don't know, 33 feels like. Feels like you got a little taste of it on our honeymoon.
Dave
Man.
Ben
That's a.
Dave
What? You guys keep talking about this honeymoon a lot.
Ben
Mm. Sexually, we had a really fun honeymoon. I think it was the volcanic energy of the.
Dave
What do you think, Bert, when you
Kristen
look back at your 30s, when you're 70.
Dave
But how will we know this answer?
Kristen
I'm just. You can't project. I don't know.
Ben
Does the color.
Kristen
Yeah, you can't project. I said project. You know what that word means? Project.
Dave
Yeah, but you have to finish the statement for it to make sense.
Kristen
Well, I was interrupted because you didn't understand the concept of projecting.
Dave
Okay. What are you projecting when you're 70
Kristen
and you look back?
Dave
Yeah.
Kristen
At your 30s, you're going to have a flash of an image in your head. What do you think it's going to be like, one flag? A.
Dave
Still not the best orange. Not the best word. Use of projection.
Ben
Orange.
Dave
We'll let it slide. Not a great use of it, but not totally off base. But not a great use I see
Ben
the number 30 as the color orange.
Kristen
And if I said predict, it would have totally been perfect.
Dave
Better. I think you're what would you predict?
Kristen
I think you're picking the wrong battle.
Dave
I really think if we go back on it. Yeah.
Kristen
Hey, let us know who won this micro battle rejection. Yay or nay? Like comment? Subscribe what would I thanks everybody.
Podcast: Friends Keep Secrets
Hosts: Benny Blanco, Lil Dicky (Dave Burd), Kristin Batalucco
Date: June 16, 2026
In this playful, unfiltered episode, Benny, Dave, and Kristin dive into the realities of their 30s—reflecting on relationships, aging, work crushes, milestones, parenting, and the joys and anxieties that come with this decade. Punctuated by comedic role plays and intimate banter, the trio explores if life in their 30s matches what they’d envisioned, what scares them, how friendships evolve, and what moments will define these years when they look back. Themes of self-reflection, vulnerability, friendship, and humor run throughout the episode.
The episode is characterized by fast-paced, funny, open-forum banter—equal parts intimate, irreverent, and reflective. The language is casual, frequently explicit, and true to the hosts’ styles, mixing authentic vulnerability with tongue-in-cheek humor and improvisation. The role-play elements and detailed discussions make listeners feel like they’re part of a real group hang, getting all the wisdom, weirdness, and warmth that comes with it.
If you've wondered what it's like to enter your 30s in a tight-knit, creative friend group, this episode gives a window into the highs, lows, and raw honesty of adulting in a modern age. Through laughter, mock arguments, and genuine moments, the Friends Keep Secrets crew deconstructs what really matters as you get older—reminding listeners that, while life may not always make sense, it's a lot better (and less scary) when you can talk about it openly with your friends.