The Inventions Episode

Summary

Friends Keep Secrets – The Inventions Episode

April 14, 2026
Hosts: Benny Blanco, Lil Dicky (Dave Burd), Kristin Batalucco (absent this episode)
Main Participants: Benny, Dave (Lil Dicky/Dave Burd), Chuck

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Episode Overview

The "Inventions Episode" of Friends Keep Secrets is a chaotic and hilarious roundtable as Benny, Dave, and Chuck riff on bizarre, mundane, and world-changing inventions. Recorded, as always, with hidden cameras in Dave and Kristin’s LA home, the crew banters through their own invention "pitches," questions about how everyday items work, and reveals just how little they understand about the world’s greatest technological advances. The conversation veers from the purpose of dental dams to philosophical musings on the universe, peppered with improv freestyle raps and deeply unserious debate.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Freestyle Rap Warmup and Podcast “Strategy”

• [00:18–03:38]
  • Lil Dicky (Dave Burd) kicks things off with a long, spontaneous rap, showing off his signature humorous, free-association lyricism—a meta moment highlighting his skills and the show’s unserious approach.
  • Quote: “This whole free like my freak tongue and cheek / Let me be, let her coming I’m a G, y’all are Z’s...” (Lil Dicky, 00:29)
  • Quick shoutouts to fans and playful jabs at music industry “strategy.”

2. Brainstorming (Awful and Absurd) Inventions

• [03:51–12:13]
  • The hosts attempt to brainstorm new inventions—intentionally outlandish and impractical.
    • “Machine wipes the ass from so far away,” “a pill that restarts your brain,” and, later, “Glow in the Dark toilet.”
  • They discuss how many inventions are accidents.
    • Notable Quote: “Everything that exists was invented.” (Chuck, 04:05)
  • A debate over the best invention and confusion over dental floss, dental dams, and diaphragms.
    • “A dental dam is a thin sheet of latex you can use to reduce spreading sexually transmitted diseases during oral sex.” (Dave, 07:15) - This bit includes some misinformation and then live fact-checking via text from Dave's mom.

3. “If They Can Freeze Embryos, Why Not Humans?”

• [20:42–23:08]
  • Benny marvels over modern science: “If they can freeze an embryo and then thaw it out, why can't you just do it until you... Why can’t you just freeze humans?” (Benny, 21:08)
  • The group gets tripped up on basic biology, marveling at how genetic inheritance works and the mysteries of pregnancy:
    • “They can’t explain it. Nobody can explain it. When you look at it, it’s like a wonder of the world.” (Dave, 22:26)

4. Brainstorming “Simple” Invention Voids

• [12:13–25:02]
  • Benny suggests sunglasses contact lenses (and laments not having patented the idea).
  • The group discusses “voids in the marketplace”:
    • Auto-wiping underwear, “a hair cap that styles each hair follicle perfectly,” a “pill that restarts your day,” and heated/encased umbrellas for weather.
  • Frequent realization: they don’t actually understand any simple technology.
    • “Could you invent anything scientific?... Do you think you can invent anything electronical, electronic yourself?” (Dave, 18:30)

5. Classic Inventions & The Utter Mysteries of Everyday Life

• [25:02–26:33], [41:22–43:00]
  • The crew reads lists of “greatest inventions of all time” and debates the criteria — wheel, electricity, penicillin, computers, and the iPhone 4s.
    • “Probably might be the best invention ever: locks and keys.” (Dave, 42:30)
    • “I don’t even understand how it works...” (Chuck, 42:36)
  • They are acutely aware of their lack of understanding, especially regarding old and basic inventions like the wheel, the lightbulb, or even microwave ovens.

6. Improving Everyday Life & Problem-Solving

• [32:09–36:53]
  • Modern annoyances are considered “invention opportunities”:
    • Sober-up pill (“You take one pill and immediately you’re sober—call it sober up.” – Dave, 35:26)
    • Bidet/toilet inventions (auto-wiping, wet wipes on a strand, “Dookie Wipe”)
    • Smart fridges, chair design, underrated inventions like zippers, chairs, elevators.

7. Tech Mystification: Microphones, TVs, and the Internet

• [13:44–17:39]
  • The hosts try to explain:
    • How a microphone works (“A microphone seems like one that I can totally get.” – Dave, 13:48)
    • How live TV images are created and transmitted, with zero technical knowledge.
    • How the internet, GPS, and radio waves work — “The microphone is peanuts compared to the internet.” (Dave, 17:39)
    • “How does a mirror work?” (Dave, recurring theme)

8. Young Inventors and Macro Hard

• [37:26–38:09]
  • The gang discusses young inventors (Jobs, Gates) and drops the tidbit: “Elon Musk created Macro Hard” to compete directly with Microsoft.
    • “That would have been a good album title for me—Macro Hard or Micro Dick.” (Chuck, 37:59)

9. The Doomsday Clock, Time, and Philosophy

• [30:09–31:53]
  • Digression into timekeeping, existential clocks (“What is the scale based on? Or is this just metaphorical?” – Chuck, 31:53)
  • Doomsday clock now “89 seconds to midnight”—group wonders about the math/meaning.

10. Sexual Health Products — The “Spot” and Odd Condom Alternatives

• [44:09–45:53]
  • Chuck proposes a “tape for your pee hole,” which the group deconstructs (and mostly mocks) as a possible alternative contraceptive.
    • “It is a small piece of tape that you put right over your pee hole... your dick feels the exact same.” (Chuck, 44:10)
    • “How fast does cum shoot out? ... 40 miles per hour.” (Dave, 44:59)
    • Chuck names it “Spot”—“Did you bring any spots? ... I can fuck all night.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On accidental inventions:
  “Everything that exists was invented.” – Chuck, 04:05
• How does a mirror work?
  Recurring confusion, multiple segments (e.g., [04:02], [14:21]), indicative of their genuine puzzlement and comedic tone.
• On their inability to invent anything:
  “We’re all so stupid. None of us know how to do it.” – Dave, 15:50
  “This is so stupid. We can’t invent anything.” – Dave, 42:47
• On micro and macro tech companies:
  “Elon Musk has created a company called Macro Hard—to completely compete with Bill Gates.” – Chuck, 37:39
• On the Sober-Up Pill:
  “You’re drunk. You take one pill and then immediately you’re sober. Call it, like, sober up.” – Dave, 35:26
• On sexual health product ideas:
  “It is a small piece of tape that you put right over your pee hole...and it prevents the cum from coming out. But it’s this big and it’s so taut against your...your dick feels the exact same.” – Chuck, 44:10
• On time and the Doomsday Clock:
  “What is the math that makes something go one second closer? ... Or is this just metaphorical length to tell humanity that someone’s watching world events?” – Chuck, 31:53

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:18] Lil Dicky’s opening freestyle
• [03:51] First brainstorming of new inventions (“Machine wipes the ass from so far away”)
• [07:03] “My mom said it’s called a diaphragm.”
• [10:02] Benny pitches the “restart your day” pill
• [11:02] “A faster airplane” — “Why don’t airplanes have parachutes?”
• [12:13] Inventions discovered by accident (Play Doh, LSD, penicillin, sticky notes...)
• [18:14] How did they invent the lightbulb?
• [20:42] “If they can freeze embryos, why can’t they freeze humans?”
• [25:02] What’s the best invention of all time—the big list debate
• [35:26] “Sober up” pill idea
• [41:22] The most underappreciated inventions (zippers, chairs, elevators, toilets, tin cans)
• [44:10] “Spot” — the hypothetical tape for pee holes
• [45:17] “You’re fucking right now with a...plastic bag wrapped so taut around my dick?”

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Tone and Atmosphere

Unfiltered, playful, and self-deprecating—a group of friends riffing on big ideas with no expertise and zero intellectual pretense. They’re earnest about curiosity and invention, but never let seriousness outweigh the fun. Many discussions end with them marveling at their own ignorance (“We’re all so stupid!”) and giddy about the absurdity of their suggestions.

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Flow and Usefulness

This episode is a testament to how easily “normal” things are taken for granted and how easy it is to dream up wild new inventions (even if none are practical or original). The gang’s inability to invent an actually useful product, despite brainstorms and good intentions, is the running gag and charm. Perfect for listeners who want an inside look at how creative, funny minds think in real-time—and are reminded that not knowing how things work never stops the conversation.

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End of summary.

Transcript

[Lil Dicky]

Shout out Connie for the beat

[Dave Burd]

and

[Chuck]

shout out every lil Dicky fan Every real Lil Dicky fan I love you

[Lil Dicky]

mad at me I never sweat it they don't know the strategy I never get into it but the battery is really fully charged when it's them or me I love flattery or you'd rather it me it's been a while yeah, I got the mileage up Tell me who doubt is us Sitting around waiting but nobody calling my bluff Damn, don't get checked I'm saying all this heck I'm saying that's your best one maybe y' all should prep or plan I been chefing crazy I'm the best damn who me? I'm a geek with a beat this whole free like my freak tongue and cheat Let me be, let her coming I'm a G, y' all are Z's Tell me about them they weed tell me about what you need if it's the mystique that you gotta see Then I'm getting blue Rebecca, Romij I'm so silly huh Hit my milly Rock that little Dicky Bop clambait y' all cook on some Gwen Stefani I leave no doubt don't speak but you know it's all in the bank I got a little check coming in like every single week goddamn 175,000 wake up Walt Disney about my shit, dawg, we ain't gotta talk about selling albums Nah, but overall deal couldn't overall he on my shit I gotta come clown Em go doubt em who's real and who bout it coming back I'm not a running back I'm never cutting back I'm taking everything I got a wedding ring, a lot of friends and family But I tell them ain't no disrespect but I'm the only specimen I got a regimen I got em sweating like it's gym we on the track let me jog your shit it's coming back make em run it back Ugh. They gonna play this shit back they will play it back they will play this shit back they will play it back they will show my highlight reel when I am done in fact I will show you all my skills and how I wanted that yeah I just do it all cause I got talent like that I've been really out fucking on this beat from the back doggy style Gun him down Cock it back full clip well, I hate guns, actually But I'm trying to go at him like brrr I'm trying to get door off the plaque I'm trying to get DOR off the dome though I got unlimited flows in the bag I'm trying to pull up to the hotel why is the bell hop looking like that? You know I gotta keep it low Pro Mike Porter's brother with the bags But I ain't going out the side way they really wanna get it we could rap Naw, they'll never do that sub 10 guys doing this damn, I'm generous it's probably five guys like my lunch plan he'd like bam fuck with a goat and I' w ref w bar w my girl holler when I'm all in it Even though it's little I don't fall out gotta slide in and hands full, plate full I ain't really nothing to call out ha, I never even sold out and when I got in stores going all out what are you talking about? Going nutty like a ball out, you know I ball out I got folks buggin shit buzzing, you know I'm on money stretching to the heavens Clay Dave this my shit long she really savin all the money even though I'm rich, rest in peace to Homie Quan Gotta live it up for everyone until I'm gone When they will play this shit back they will play it back they will play this shit back they will play it back they will show my highlight reel when I am done in fact I will show you all my skills and how I wanted that this the type of shit they get Play her in a layup line this the type of shit they get Player in a layer line this the type of shit they get Play her in a layer line this the type of shit they get Player in a bam bam holiday New little dicky drop today Son of Callum Papa Dave coming off the top to pay.

[Chuck]

Cord issues.

[Dave Burd]

All right,

[Chuck]

I'm done.

[Dave Burd]

Do you think we could invent something?

[Benny]

Let's give it a shot.

[Chuck]

Machine wipes the ass from so far

[Benny]

away A pill that restarts your brain

[Chuck]

Press a button and everything was good in the world. We're not like God, Are they using some sort of mirror?

[Dave Burd]

How does a mirror work?

[Benny]

Capitalism.

[Dave Burd]

Nobody can explain it.

[Chuck]

Everything that exists was invented.

[Dave Burd]

Play doh. Lsd, Parachute. What do you think the best invention is?

[Chuck]

The invention I'm talking about is.

[Dave Burd]

We're all so stupid.

[Chuck]

Long day. Long day. It was a long day. A long week's work. A long, long slog. Of.

[Dave Burd]

What?

[Benny]

It got stuck on my tooth. You know I broke my permanent retainer.

[Dave Burd]

Who invented the dental floss? Toothpick Hairy salad cats.

[Chuck]

Why?

[Benny]

It usually happens by happenstance.

[Chuck]

Inventions.

[Benny]

Yeah. Like.

[Lil Dicky]

No, they don't.

[Benny]

Yes.

[Chuck]

Like, I guarantee you this man, whoever

[Dave Burd]

uses himself working on a toothpick or

[Chuck]

is like a dentist or something, and he's like, I need this tool to figure this out. That's just like.

[Benny]

Or he's trying to invent something else and then something else happens. It's like.

[Dave Burd]

Hold on. Hold it now. Hit it. Didn't I just sound like it? Hold it now.

[Chuck]

I don't know what you're quoting.

[Dave Burd]

Hold it now. Hit it. Da, da, da.

[Lil Dicky]

Holy shit.

[Chuck]

Where'd you find that one?

[Dave Burd]

No, hold it now. Wait, hold on. So who invented the dental floss?

[Benny]

The dental dam? You know what a dental dam is?

[Chuck]

Isn't that what we just. Oh, no, it's like a. Oh, God. A pad. It's like a piece of wax paper that goes over the pussy.

[Dave Burd]

Hairy.

[Chuck]

You don't even know what it is. What is a dental dam or. No, no, it's a thing you put in your mouth to then give head.

[Dave Burd]

A dam.

[Chuck]

What a dental dam is. You put.

[Dave Burd]

A dental dam is the thing you put in your throat so you can't.

[Benny]

Condom.

[Dave Burd]

The old fashioned condom is a dental dam.

[Chuck]

I say it all the time when we have sex with a condom. Every time after we have sex with a condom, I always. I'm sure the condom broke. Like, I'm just. I can't believe it.

[Dave Burd]

Just like a big huge condom.

[Chuck]

No, just like. It's just like an active.

[Dave Burd]

Like it goes through and bone scent is a condom.

[Chuck]

And then every time I look at it and it didn't break. And I think I always say, like, what an incredible. Don't I always talk about the condom or. You're just in a different zone post sex. I do. I do it often.

[Dave Burd]

Wow. Guys.

[Chuck]

When we use condoms, guys.

[Dave Burd]

Charles Goodyear invented the condom.

[Benny]

Goodyear, like the blimp?

[Chuck]

Yeah.

[Benny]

It's the same plastic.

[Chuck]

We gotta realize is that we are the prime candidates for dental dams. We've been having sex with condoms recently because.

[Benny]

Hold on, Dave. It's not a dental dam. I can't think of the word. We should ask your mom. Text your mom. She'll know. It's like what used to be a female condom. No, it's not a. But it's like.

[Chuck]

I can't think of wax paper, no press, or cellophane.

[Benny]

There's a condom that like our parents are familiar with. That was for women, I think. Yeah. And it was huge. It was like this big and old Yeller. Old yeller.

[Dave Burd]

My mom said it's called a diaphragm.

[Benny]

Diaphragm, yes.

[Dave Burd]

Oh, okay.

[Benny]

Not a dental dam.

[Chuck]

Okay. We just. Is a dental dam what I was saying, where you put it down your throat so you can get cum and not swallow

[Dave Burd]

reduces. A dental dam is a thin sheet of latex you can use to reduce the risk of spreading sexually transmitted diseases during oral sex.

[Chuck]

Yeah, it's like you L. The cellophane or something.

[Dave Burd]

Really?

[Chuck]

I think so.

[Benny]

You can't. Really? Yeah.

[Chuck]

No, you can't.

[Dave Burd]

It's not about barrier between your mouth and your partner's genitals or anus.

[Chuck]

Well, and they use flavor. They make flavored condoms.

[Dave Burd]

Do you think we could invent something like.

[Benny]

I do have two good ideas.

[Dave Burd]

What are your ideas?

[Chuck]

Do you have ideas for invention?

[Benny]

I've had one idea. Contact lenses that are sunglasses so you don't have to squint. You don't have to. If you run, if you play sports. But you cannot. You cannot change the subject. It's a great idea.

[Dave Burd]

No, I just was with someone literally this weekend. Gunner has contact lenses that are blue light protectant.

[Chuck]

He does. Which makes me. He said that. Which makes me think that invention might already be invented.

[Benny]

I had this invention in 2007.

[Chuck]

But you didn't act on it.

[Dave Burd]

They're UV Protect. Isn't that crazy?

[Chuck]

You ever see the things where the. The phone on the back has little spots for the credit card?

[Benny]

A wallet.

[Chuck]

Yeah, but that's a phone case that you can put the credit card in. Yeah, my buddy invented that.

[Benny]

Who?

[Chuck]

Mark. He just didn't act on it, but he.

[Dave Burd]

What other things do you think?

[Benny]

Okay, here's my other one. In college, and I didn't want to take the bus and it would be snowing and you had to get to class, it'd be really, really cold. And people sometimes would carry umbrellas to like keep all the snow from falling on them and then like getting them drenched. And I thought, what if there's an umbrella that. At the top of the umbrella there's a heat lamp. When you put the umbrella up, you just can like pull down the plastic so you're kind of fully enclosed in a heated umbrella, plastic thing to keep you from the cold.

[Chuck]

It could play music too.

[Dave Burd]

I really think we could come up with something.

[Benny]

Well, let's give it a shot.

[Chuck]

I've never had. I've really never been inventive, I guess is the.

[Benny]

The way you come up with something is you kind of have to think what is missing. In life.

[Dave Burd]

Okay, so, like, what's everyone go around and say?

[Chuck]

The machine wipes the ass from so far away.

[Benny]

That's a bidet.

[Dave Burd]

No, like, what do you mean wipes your ass from so far away? Like, you want to be standing out here in a machine?

[Chuck]

I guess I'm thinking you want, like, a. I guess I'm thinking that I have. I swear to God, my butt is itchy right now, and I want to wipe my butt. And in that moment, the first thought I had was that it'd be nice if there was a thing that could wipe it.

[Dave Burd]

Butt. What about underpants that just wipe your butt?

[Chuck]

Ah, little windshield wipers.

[Dave Burd]

Yeah, but then there's, like, poop.

[Benny]

Okay, I don't like the underpants.

[Dave Burd]

What's something really. What's something that you wish existed?

[Benny]

Ooh, a pill that restarts your brain.

[Dave Burd]

What? What do you mean? Like, from birth?

[Chuck]

No, no.

[Benny]

Just, like, you're having a bad day. Life is too short.

[Dave Burd]

You're having a bad day.

[Benny]

You're having a bad day, and you're like, life is too fucking short to waste this day. So you take this pill, and then all of a sudden, you can only go back to when you woke up. So you can't go back too far in life, because people. We can't trust people, but we're not.

[Dave Burd]

Like, God.

[Chuck]

Yeah, that's too hard of an invention. I had to invent that.

[Dave Burd]

I'm trying to come up with, like, a Glow in the Dark toilet series.

[Chuck]

I thought you were gonna say that technology could, like. You could have, like, some chemical balance level that's, like, measurable that you could designate as your baseline. The same way in our home, where we have, like.

[Dave Burd]

You don't know how to do this stuff.

[Chuck]

Well, we don't know how to do anything. So. Yeah, I'm sorry. If we're gonna limit our inventions, the only things that we can create. Soup to nuts. I'm not playing this game with you.

[Dave Burd]

Soup to nuts.

[Benny]

I'm the best.

[Chuck]

I am gonna pee real quick, but the door's open, so I'm still involved.

[Dave Burd]

I just.

[Benny]

Oh, I have one.

[Dave Burd]

Okay.

[Benny]

A faster airplane.

[Dave Burd]

Okay, one thing that I really don't understand. This is a for real thing, and I'm totally down to invest money into this. How do airplanes, or the people on the airplanes. Like, why doesn't the airplane have a giant, like, parachute? So when it's crashing, it just. Like, how is there not. How have they not invented, like, a, like, alternate thing that can happen? Right. Like, when the plane's crashing. It's just like, ah, fuck it. Like, how is there not like either? Like each person, there are little, I

[Chuck]

believe, inflatables at the bottom of the thing for like landing in like the ocean perhaps.

[Dave Burd]

I'm not talking about.

[Benny]

I've seen like little AI things where it's like shoves like the. Under the plane. Like these big.

[Dave Burd]

Why is there not just like classic parachutes attached to the top?

[Chuck]

Classic.

[Benny]

Why does Titanic have enough lifeboats? It's a money thing. It's capitalism.

[Dave Burd]

You think it's only money related?

[Benny]

I think it costs a lot of money to invent stuff. And a lot of stuff gets invented by like accident and lives.

[Chuck]

I don't think that's true about this accident. I don't think. I have no idea what I'm talking about. But my instincts are, well, coke.

[Dave Burd]

I got some great things that were invented by accident. You want to hear?

[Chuck]

I do. But for the record, everything that exists was invented. So this is a drop in the ocean as far as like the ratio of inventions by accident versus.

[Dave Burd]

Yeah, but it's cool that there's a few.

[Benny]

There's a lot.

[Chuck]

I don't know. It depends on what? Your side of the argument.

[Dave Burd]

You were on anesthesia.

[Chuck]

That's nice.

[Dave Burd]

Play doh. Wait, like Play doh? Like play doh? Lsd? Coca Cola?

[Lil Dicky]

No.

[Chuck]

How could it be that?

[Dave Burd]

We'll dig into it in a second. We'll dig into it in a second.

[Benny]

You know Coca Cola had coke?

[Chuck]

Oh, right. It did have cocaine.

[Dave Burd]

Viagra. I knew that one.

[Chuck]

Lucky man.

[Dave Burd]

Slinky.

[Chuck]

How is the slinky invented by accident?

[Dave Burd]

We'll decide which one we want to know about.

[Chuck]

Did you see this? There's some good slinky Internet content these days.

[Dave Burd]

Silly putty.

[Chuck]

You've been talking about putty all for weeks.

[Dave Burd]

Potato chips.

[Chuck]

It's just a food.

[Dave Burd]

It was by accident. Sticky notes.

[Chuck]

No, I thought that sticky notes was an accident. Wow, this should make a movie about that.

[Benny]

I thought sticky notes weren't.

[Chuck]

That the guy should be like in the thing and just going like this and go best. Wait, let's think about what the voids in the marketplace is. Cause we're trying to. The money could be huge.

[Benny]

I think the voids are in the mental health space.

[Dave Burd]

That's so complicated. What if there isn't there something so simple. Wait, why you have so much. You have like. The lighting on your face right now is insane.

[Benny]

You know what I find insane? The microphone.

[Dave Burd]

You want to make a new microphone?

[Chuck]

The microphone isn't there's. A lot.

[Benny]

I just don't get it.

[Dave Burd]

A microphone seems like one that I can totally get.

[Chuck]

I agree. I kind of can wrap my head around it.

[Dave Burd]

Yeah. What about live broadcast television?

[Chuck]

Yeah. I have no clue. Like, I don't. How are they creating the image? Are they using some sort of mirror that then they take a picture of the mirror?

[Benny]

No, lens. It's called a lens.

[Chuck]

The lens is the mirror.

[Benny]

A lens is like takes an image and then it like. Doesn't it reflect? We shouldn't go into this kind of ends.

[Dave Burd]

And then how does it move? How do they do slow mo. How do they.

[Chuck]

I don't.

[Benny]

Well, radio waves. The microwave was an accident. I guarantee it.

[Dave Burd]

It is. I just saw that on the list.

[Benny]

Radio waves. Radio waves are really.

[Dave Burd]

But I just don't even understand how does a mirror work?

[Chuck]

Just even the concept of, for example, a picture. A mirror, I think is like the. When I look at water in the ocean, you can like be like, oh, a mirror can just happen. But like, how do you take a picture?

[Benny]

A lens. A lens.

[Dave Burd]

But how does the picture. Yeah, how do you take a picture? Tell me how you take a picture.

[Benny]

It's like a lay. I got it.

[Chuck]

It's like a Jewish bar mitzvah.

[Dave Burd]

Like, hey, check this out, Mochi.

[Benny]

I don't know how it works digitally, but I do think print wise, it was like a lens that took the reflection and then it like printed it on film. That then got like. Then when you put it in that stuff in the dark room, it.

[Dave Burd]

But how did it even print it? How did they even come up with the liquid that you put it in and then.

[Chuck]

Cause tv. When you figure that out, TV is just like. Just like running the images at a rate.

[Benny]

TVs. Radio.

[Dave Burd]

But how does a little TV have all the stuff?

[Benny]

Satellite? I mean, a little bit with all the wiring.

[Dave Burd]

Chuck, how does it. How did. How can I recall a movie and it plays the movie?

[Chuck]

I know. Like, I can't imagine someone in 1700 like sitting in front of a TV and being like all.

[Benny]

I know. It has a lot to do with zeros and ones.

[Chuck]

No, it doesn't.

[Dave Burd]

No, it doesn't. That's computers.

[Benny]

Well, that's.

[Dave Burd]

This is before computers. So far before computers.

[Chuck]

Well, it's all computing.

[Benny]

It's computing and then it's re. It's. I think it's all computer.

[Chuck]

Yeah.

[Dave Burd]

We're all so stupid. None of us know how to do it.

[Chuck]

No.

[Benny]

But TV's hard because I had to learn about it in school and it's like interlaced. Like there's like a signal and it's very confusing to me, but it's like. I think it really is zeros and ones. There's like interlaced TV and you have to. The video format has to match the satellite.

[Dave Burd]

I don't know

[Chuck]

now. Wow, that's a nice pie.

[Dave Burd]

Do you notice something about this pizza?

[Chuck]

Gorgeous pie.

[Dave Burd]

What do you notice about this circle? It's premium. Now, I know we have a little bit of an issue around sauces. I have no issue, but I'd like

[Chuck]

to just show you this slice sauce they call it. Oh, yeah.

[Dave Burd]

It's creamy. It's zesty.

[Chuck]

Put it in my hand.

[Dave Burd]

You want me to put it in your hand?

[Chuck]

Yeah. Beautiful packaging. Look at that.

[Benny]

I like it.

[Dave Burd]

It's gold.

[Benny]

Are we gonna eat it?

[Dave Burd]

I will tell you, it is a little warm. Give me a little. Yeah, a little sliced sauce.

[Chuck]

From 47 through 6 14, order a handmade pan or parmesan stuffed crust pizza to receive a free sliced sauce dip cut with your order.

[Dave Burd]

That's a good piece of pizza.

[Chuck]

And even better sliced sauce. Mm, yeah.

[Dave Burd]

Taste mine. I think mine's the best flavor.

[Benny]

Guys. Wait, I thought this was the best one.

[Dave Burd]

Cream is unbelievable.

[Chuck]

Unbelievable.

[Dave Burd]

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

[Chuck]

I agree completely. It's unbelievable. It's great. I hope the camera captures how much I love the cream that I just drank.

[Dave Burd]

The grape is honestly, it's like a three weight. I might need to try one. I might need to try this shirt.

[Benny]

Grape is also really good. I thought buy any two cans of

[Dave Burd]

olipop in store and they'll pay you back for one. Any flavor, any retailer. Go to drinkollipop.com fks how did they invent the Internet? Who even came up with the idea? Even before they were like. Even before. It's the hardest thing to do. It's the hardest thing to do in the world. How did before they. And Chuck, this is now.

[Benny]

I still can't get over the microphone, but you think you understand.

[Dave Burd]

The microphone is so much easier. The microphone is peanuts compared to the Internet.

[Benny]

Yeah, it has to be. Do we really hear the same vibrational sound?

[Dave Burd]

I think it has to do with vibrations.

[Chuck]

I'm gonna pour myself a glass of my wine. Anyone want it instead? This one.

[Dave Burd]

Chuck, you're really big on the oat milk Oat Malone. So. So wait. So I just want to know this.

[Chuck]

Thank you.

[Dave Burd]

Like, how did they invent the light bulb?

[Benny]

It was an accident.

[Dave Burd]

It was.

[Benny]

No. He'd been trying for a long time.

[Dave Burd]

Edison yeah, yeah, but how did he invent it?

[Benny]

Something with chemicals.

[Dave Burd]

Chuck. I don't even understand where to start. Chuck, could you invent.

[Chuck]

It started with the wheel.

[Dave Burd]

Could you invent anything scientific?

[Chuck]

Dagger?

[Lil Dicky]

No.

[Dave Burd]

Could you invent anything scientific? Like, do you think you can invent anything like electronical, electronic yourself?

[Lil Dicky]

No,

[Chuck]

no, I don't think I could be a technical executor of the invention. I think, I think of a void in the marketplace and someone, you know, hire the right tech guy.

[Dave Burd]

Okay, what's a void?

[Chuck]

I wish there could be a machine that kind of scanned every individual hair on your head and you put this cap on and you could figure out just where every individual hair ends up. And, and that combination feels like a good starting place. And you can have programs for going out, like just being casual. You press a button and it manipulates your hair and it ends up exactly every follicle.

[Benny]

So just like a wig that's motorized?

[Chuck]

No, it's made of your real hair. No, it's a machine. It's basically your hair is made of like kind of X amount of hairs. And if they end up in a certain place, their end point, you'll be happy. And so why can't you just like the way you set settings for your light vignette when you go home? It's like, oh, I like the lighting in my home at this thing. Cap, hair.

[Dave Burd]

Chuck, do you think you could know like the right way?

[Chuck]

Yeah. And I'll tell you, you'd be having a lot of trouble right now.

[Benny]

Do you want hair? Are you guys just saying, why can't my hair just stay in place?

[Chuck]

You just don't understand. Like, don't even move.

[Dave Burd]

Do I have an issue?

[Chuck]

No, you might. I don't. Why?

[Benny]

Your hair looks good to me.

[Chuck]

If I just think like his bang right here. I don't know if that's what I avoid is individual kind of wet looking curls. And that's what I look forward when you don't like it.

[Dave Burd]

Every barber or like anything, they're trying to create those on us.

[Benny]

Why don't you want wet?

[Chuck]

What I'm trying to do. And maybe he doesn't care like me. I want every hair to look like it's been woven into another one.

[Benny]

Have you guys ever heard of hairspray?

[Dave Burd]

Apparently, yeah, hairspray school. Yeah. Who invented hairspray?

[Chuck]

Who cares about who? It's like more. How did they think of it?

[Dave Burd]

Yeah. Okay, so what's something you wish there was in the common space? What in your daily life? What's the thing you wish was different.

[Benny]

I don't want to brag. Cause I kind of understand, because I looked into it, but I thought, if they can freeze embryos, why can't they freeze humans?

[Dave Burd]

So what did you find out?

[Chuck]

Well, they probably can, but no human wants to be frozen.

[Benny]

Right. And it's a lot easier to freeze, like, one cell versus a lot of cells.

[Dave Burd]

So what did you find?

[Benny]

Just that.

[Chuck]

Yeah. Back to square one.

[Benny]

We're not there.

[Dave Burd]

You just wanted to tell us that you read one day about that embryos can be.

[Benny]

No, I think they can freeze life. Like, if you can freeze an embryo and then thaw it out.

[Dave Burd]

Thaw it out? Yeah.

[Benny]

Why can't you just do it until you. Why can't you just.

[Dave Burd]

Because you have to put it into something that can grow it.

[Benny]

That's not why they freeze it.

[Dave Burd]

Yeah, but the only reason it works is because it's going into a womb. No, the only reason it can become a human life.

[Benny]

Of course. So it's like, if they can freeze that, why can't they freeze, like. Dave.

[Dave Burd]

Dave.

[Benny]

Right now I'm pulling out, and the only reason is because it's a lot.

[Chuck]

Drop the album.

[Dave Burd]

I think it's because there's no because. The only reason. I thought that the embryo.

[Chuck]

You just fart.

[Dave Burd]

No, I went. I thought an embryo can be frozen because it's like. It's, like, incomplete. It has to go into a thing. It has to feed off of something else. The thing that's even crazier that we were researching is that when you put an embryo into another person, it feeds off that person's blood. It feeds off that Persona, food, everything. But it takes no DNA and attributes. And do you know why?

[Chuck]

No.

[Dave Burd]

I just found this out three days ago. The outside of it absorbs everything. And it's like. It's a miraculous thing. They don't even know how or why it happens, but it happens. And it takes on no force. It takes on nothing of the other person's DNA.

[Benny]

Yeah. Cause it's its own thing.

[Dave Burd]

No, no, it's connected. It's literally connected.

[Benny]

Yeah, but just because the placenta just gives. Like, if I was to get pregnant, the placenta just feeds the being that's growing within me. It's not like taking your DNA.

[Dave Burd]

No, but it's taking your DNA even.

[Benny]

Like, you didn't take your mom's. Like, you just had your mom's DNA because you are.

[Chuck]

Yeah. You didn't get your mom's DNA through eating her from the inside.

[Dave Burd]

No. I know, but it's. But it's insane. And they can't explain it. They can't explain it. Nobody can explain it. When you look at it, it's like a world. It's like a. It's like a wonder of the world.

[Benny]

But why do they need to explain it? Cause it's just a separate entity. Like, isn't.

[Dave Burd]

No, it's not. It should eat off. It should. Your DNA should go through, but for some reason it doesn't. We were looking into it for hours.

[Chuck]

All right, we're not gonna invent anything.

[Benny]

Wait, wait, hold on. DNA is within every single cell. If you, like, ejaculate inside of somebody.

[Chuck]

Mm.

[Benny]

It doesn't take. Wait.

[Chuck]

DNA.

[Dave Burd]

It doesn't take that.

[Benny]

But it has your DNA.

[Chuck]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a good point. My cum isn't.

[Benny]

No. Cause the egg. The egg has her DNA. Yeah, you ejaculate, it has your DNA. It's not gonna just take. If you have a. It's not gonna take the DNA of the surrogate. It's just. It's its own thing. And that is the beauty.

[Dave Burd]

Can I please sit somewhere with a back? I just like.

[Chuck]

Just lean back.

[Dave Burd]

I don't. What do you mean, lean back?

[Benny]

Do you wanna sit outside?

[Dave Burd]

There's a bowl of fruit behind me.

[Chuck]

Oh, okay. I'll move the bowl. One sec.

[Dave Burd]

And then what should I do? Tuck into here. I need to sit somewhere else. Maybe we can invent a new back brace.

[Chuck]

Well. Well, you know what? Believe it or not, I actually suffer some back issues every now and then. And here is one of the inventions that I bought. What do I do? I think you can just sit on this and it'll make your experience a little more enjoyable. I know that you don't want to sit on the ground, but there you go. And somebody thought to invent that. That's the type of thing we should be thinking of. You needed something, I provided it for you. I don't think we should be thinking something.

[Dave Burd]

I don't think my back feels any different, but my butt does slightly feel. No, actually, I think it's actually actively hurting my back.

[Chuck]

I don't know if that's the way to use it. It might supposed to go on the back. I don't know.

[Dave Burd]

What do you mean? You bought it for your back.

[Chuck]

I know. Well, your mom sat in it that way earlier today and I thought, oh, that's how you're supposed to use it. I've been using it against my back.

[Dave Burd]

This thing felt terrible. This on the Other hand.

[Chuck]

That's what I thought it was.

[Dave Burd]

What do you think the best invention of all time is?

[Benny]

Light. Electricity.

[Dave Burd]

Let's see the wheel. Oh, wow. This is.

[Chuck]

Take context into account.

[Dave Burd]

It's like, here's the top ones.

[Benny]

Okay. The wheel.

[Dave Burd]

The wheel.

[Chuck]

It's kind of the first taught invention.

[Benny]

What was the wheel like?

[Chuck]

When they teach you and they're like, oh, human beings, like, they created this thing and it changed everything. And that was the wheel?

[Dave Burd]

Yeah, the wheel's up there.

[Chuck]

Is it number one?

[Dave Burd]

There's two separate lists. There's a list where it's like the wheel, personal computer and semiconductors, but then there's like a comprehensive list. You ready for the real list?

[Chuck]

Semiconductor. Semiconductor.

[Dave Burd]

A computer.

[Chuck]

What? That's like so many inventions in one.

[Dave Burd]

A television. I guess they're all like penicillin.

[Benny]

Oh, yeah?

[Chuck]

What's penicillin?

[Benny]

Because that, like, helped, like, cure a lot of. No, I think it's like an antibiotic.

[Chuck]

Did I think of, like, chicken?

[Benny]

No, it's not.

[Dave Burd]

Chicken is penicillin. Chicken's not on the list.

[Chuck]

Okay.

[Dave Burd]

Smart smartphone.

[Chuck]

It's a computer.

[Dave Burd]

This is crazy video.

[Chuck]

That's what I'm saying. Well, I wonder what they mean by that.

[Dave Burd]

And then the next one is film.

[Chuck]

To me, being able to see what occurred in the past or in the present is the most mind blowing event.

[Dave Burd]

This is the craziest thing. The next two things on this list. You'll never guess in 100 years, Chuck, I'll give you $10,000 right now.

[Benny]

The sprinkler so that you could water all your crops. So that you could. So that we could have more people living in one area.

[Dave Burd]

Nope. Nope. Doesn't. Not it.

[Chuck]

Fly swatter?

[Dave Burd]

Nope.

[Chuck]

Sunscreen.

[Dave Burd]

They're the two craziest things. Do you want me to read you one? Which one do you want me to answer first?

[Chuck]

The one that's next in the order of the thing. Which one? Shag. I don't know either of the two. They're like 13th and 14th on the best. Which one do you want to hear about?

[Dave Burd]

Give us a Super Soaker.

[Chuck]

Oh, wow. Who cares?

[Dave Burd]

I don't know. It's on the list.

[Chuck]

I used to fill them with my piss.

[Benny]

What?

[Chuck]

I didn't actually do that. Other kids did. I didn't like it.

[Dave Burd]

Okay, then the next one. Next one's insane. Okay, the pie iron. It's.

[Benny]

What is the.

[Dave Burd]

It's basically a George Foreman. It's basically a George Foreman. And then it's microwave. I feel like the microwave.

[Benny]

What source Is this.

[Dave Burd]

Is this like popped up atmosphere radio, atm can cash out and then iPhone 4s.

[Chuck]

Really? I swear, I think if we're gonna have a good invention.

[Dave Burd]

Okay, here we go guys. This is a dot org. This is like a real thing and it's like.

[Chuck]

What's a.org mean? Just educational.

[Dave Burd]

Yeah. And this is some of the most. It says 22 inventions that changed the world.

[Chuck]

Can you only have a dot org if it's like certified?

[Dave Burd]

Do you know you can make dot Anything you can make dot. What did you mean when you said

[Chuck]

it's a dot org?

[Dave Burd]

I don't know. Dot org.

[Chuck]

This is a dot org.

[Benny]

Don't you have to register?

[Dave Burd]

Yeah. Dot org I think is more I

[Chuck]

think I can make. There's like a website like clownpenis fart. There is, but I think go to clown. Clown penis fart right now.

[Dave Burd]

Makeup. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. I know I'm usually a big old jokester.

[Chuck]

We love you when you're like that.

[Dave Burd]

And they love me like that. But therapy has helped me become the person I am today. You know, I had a rough time when I was about to 2021 and I take the tools I learned in therapy and help apply them to my real life and tools I need when I was feeling like anxious or just depressed.

[Chuck]

Your emotional well being matters. Find support and feel lighter in therapy. Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] FKS that's betterhelp.com FKS I like that we

[Benny]

get 10% off and we're going to

[Chuck]

talk about Wayfair now.

[Benny]

You want a sleeper sofa in like a sofa.

[Chuck]

That's underrated. It's like a sleeper. It's been slept on.

[Benny]

No.

[Chuck]

What is it?

[Benny]

It's a sofa that turns into a sleeper. Like look at this one.

[Dave Burd]

Wow.

[Chuck]

That's nice, man. Wayfair. They got all that and then some.

[Benny]

They do have so many options. I'm on Wayfair a lot. We can put this at the end of our bed. So when you snore, I'll just go into the sleep or something.

[Chuck]

Sorry you have to deal with that.

[Benny]

The snoring.

[Chuck]

Find furniture, decor and essentials that fit your unique style and budget. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W a Y F A I r dot com. Wayfair Every style. Every home.

[Dave Burd]

Do you know Jack Black's mom invented gps?

[Benny]

Is there a giant magnet that.

[Chuck]

Thought you were gonna say magnet.

[Dave Burd]

What?

[Benny]

Gets the compass to know which Way

[Chuck]

everything is gravitational pull. Yeah, there's a giant magnet in the middle of the Earth. I mean, I actually don't even know this. This is just the logic in my head that yes, there's a very specific gravity that like.

[Benny]

But what is the exact wording?

[Chuck]

Will you look up physicists or whatever, people who understand the laws of the universe have come to some conclusion where they can, you know, you can just tell via like how, I guess pole, where is west, south. Among other things. Laws of physics revealed what time it is. We created laws of physics or whatever of universal law.

[Benny]

You just mean that the Earth, like that the earth rotates. We gave it meaning.

[Chuck]

No, I don't think we gave it meaning. It really kind of like lines up no matter what. No matter if there's a man in China who's like doing like looking up or a man in America. All the laws are doing the same thing in all the places. And they told us time is this. You can start that clock whenever. But here's how it works. And we decided what time it was. And then some man, like in a building, I guess was like, this is the official home base of like we. This is what time it is, everybody. And then the Navy or army was like, we protect it. We're gonna also have time. But really it's all just the laws. And then they started making more clocks. And the clocks tapped into the laws

[Benny]

don't really have to do with like the actual 12 hour day.

[Chuck]

I think they do.

[Benny]

But you wanna know what's interesting? Have you guys heard of the 12 hours till like the doomsday clock that like they just recently like there's an organization that meets to midnight. Yeah, isn't this crazy, Benny? There's an organization that meets where the. They actually like move the clock when they think they're getting closer and closer to the end of the world.

[Chuck]

Yeah, I love that.

[Benny]

Is it 12 hours to midnight?

[Chuck]

To midnight is involved. But I wonder where it's at now. I wonder if we're at.

[Benny]

They moved it recently.

[Chuck]

They moved it? Yeah, they made it like Code Orange or something. I don't know what happened. There's basically a little barometer that's measured by high powered people who. Not high powered people who understand the nuances of the world, which right now there are global powers with nuclear weapons who can do X, Y and Z.

[Dave Burd]

What time are we at?

[Benny]

It's kind of extreme.

[Dave Burd]

Anyways, I want to know what time we're at.

[Chuck]

What time?

[Benny]

Yeah, it says one second closer to midnight.

[Dave Burd]

What time Is it?

[Chuck]

Yeah, that's a good question.

[Dave Burd]

What time's the clock?

[Benny]

It's closer than ever. It's now 89 seconds to midnight.

[Chuck]

Like, what is the math that makes something go one second closer? Can a move be so bold that it actually makes it nine seconds closer? And then can you go backwards? What is the scale based on? Or is this just metaphorical length to tell humanity that? Like, someone's, like, watching world events and,

[Dave Burd]

like, saying, how do they get to 11pm so quickly?

[Chuck]

And is it real? Like, it's not. Like, why is it.

[Dave Burd]

What happens when it gets to 12?

[Benny]

The world is done.

[Chuck]

It's not only 11, it's 11. Like, 59 or something. Okay. I have an invention. It's like a bidet, but it's not a bidet. You sit on the toilet, nuclear bomb

[Dave Burd]

shoots up your ass.

[Chuck]

No, from the chuck. From the front and the back. Like, after you're done, it goes. And a strand comes up that's being held by two poles. That's really like a wet wipe. And it goes back and forth, and it wipes you, and it rotates and it wipes you. And it is aware of how much fecal matter is there, how much is left.

[Benny]

It's so. Such a waste. Just wipe your ass yourself.

[Dave Burd]

That's wasting the most paper. That's so bad.

[Benny]

Yes. Every day.

[Chuck]

Well, not everyone has access, so I have access. Some people will want access to the bidet that goes with the floss as well.

[Dave Burd]

Okay, so, like, what's really bad every day? Wiping is a big burden.

[Benny]

Traffic.

[Dave Burd]

What about something for your stomach? You're always in pain.

[Benny]

Tongues. Zofran.

[Chuck]

Think of the things that medicine work. What?

[Benny]

Yeah. Like, how does medicine go?

[Dave Burd]

How does it know where to go?

[Chuck]

Chemical medicine.

[Dave Burd]

Yeah, but how does it know where to go? The human body is so crazy. If your, like, head hurts, how does it know to go right to your head?

[Chuck]

The universe is.

[Benny]

I think it just does your whole body.

[Chuck]

The universe is full of inexplainable things that just seem to work kind of magically. But there is a science and a regularity to those things, and we have learned a lot of them.

[Dave Burd]

How does a thing make you less anxious? You take a pill.

[Benny]

Your brain chemistry.

[Chuck]

How do we have life changes in the world? There's no point. What are you thinking about these things?

[Benny]

Transmitters in your brain.

[Chuck]

Think about. Ring doorbell. Think about knees.

[Dave Burd]

Let's think about something. Let's think about something, like, simpler, like the.

[Benny]

What was that? Did you throw the basketball? What'd you do?

[Dave Burd]

I Thought it was gonna break.

[Chuck]

Like, that's a practical invention. Cause it's like. No, look at how. Stop. Look at what you just did. It's so fucking.

[Dave Burd]

That's art.

[Benny]

Wait, let me see if I can.

[Dave Burd]

Hey, Chad.

[Chuck]

Oh, yeah. How about that?

[Benny]

How did you do that?

[Dave Burd]

I don't know, but I think I might break the wall.

[Benny]

Okay, I'll do it up here.

[Dave Burd]

Oh, no. Do it from here. From far away. From far away. Get the door.

[Benny]

Well, I can't do it from too far.

[Dave Burd]

No, no, you gotta be far. Okay, I think you can.

[Chuck]

I want to try.

[Benny]

How'd you get it before?

[Chuck]

Stop, stop, stop, stop. Don't be inappropriate.

[Benny]

We're have to.

[Dave Burd]

No, we can't.

[Benny]

We can blur it if everybody at home listening. We're trying to get a. Oh.

[Dave Burd]

Oh, my God. We tried to get Chuck and it was perfect.

[Chuck]

Can we start thinking about inventions?

[Dave Burd]

Maybe we can invent an app.

[Chuck]

I want to invent, like, a good.

[Dave Burd]

Like a base good.

[Chuck]

Oh, I just thought it's a. Fuck. I can't forget my invention. Flying cars, traffic. They're gonna need two tiered top and bottom.

[Dave Burd]

I really wish you could, like, eat fried chicken and it was healthy.

[Chuck]

Yeah.

[Benny]

What if you took a pill and we were able to see what happens after you die?

[Chuck]

Come on, let's be real.

[Dave Burd]

You're drunk. You take one pill and then immediately you're sober. Call it, like, sober up.

[Chuck]

I like that.

[Dave Burd]

That's cool, huh? Like, if it's possible, I think it's the best invention of all time. We might have just, like. We might have to quit this podcast.

[Chuck]

We should definitely. It's not a podcast.

[Benny]

You don't have it for, like, right after.

[Dave Burd]

Obviously you can get it, Chuck, so

[Benny]

that you're fine in the morning. You might have to sleep it off.

[Dave Burd]

Do you know how incredible that. I can't believe I just thought of that.

[Chuck]

We. It's like a writer's. It's like being in a session.

[Dave Burd]

Yeah.

[Chuck]

Type in how long does it take to get sober when you're drunk? And can it go fast? And how long does it take?

[Dave Burd]

Yeah, type that in.

[Benny]

Could you say it again?

[Chuck]

How long does it take to get sober? Can it go faster when you're drunk, comma. And can it go faster.

[Dave Burd]

I'm gonna invent this thing and cut you guys out of it.

[Chuck]

No, there's. We'll have it all on tape, Chuck.

[Dave Burd]

You'll be. The Winklevoss as you'll be trying to get back. Won't even matter at that point. I'LL give you a measly hundred million to my 87 trillion empire.

[Chuck]

Sober up.

[Dave Burd]

If we could invent it.

[Chuck]

It's like it's gotta have its reasons.

[Dave Burd]

Yeah. Mm.

[Benny]

Slightly different. This is like the cousin, but there are Korean hangover drinks. People drink before consuming alcohol.

[Chuck]

I'm talking about complete reversal, 0 to 100. Or I should say 100 to 0.

[Dave Burd]

There's gotta be a way to speed it up.

[Chuck]

They were able to take a song and turn it into such a compressed file.

[Dave Burd]

What are you looking up?

[Chuck]

Just inventions.

[Dave Burd]

What type of inventions were you looking up? How to invent something?

[Chuck]

No, I just was reading about maybe something that allows for things to not get foggy.

[Dave Burd]

Has any young person invented something?

[Chuck]

Yeah, the AI guys are also young.

[Benny]

Wasn't Bill Gates kind of young? And Steve Jobs.

[Chuck]

Yeah, Microsoft, my friend. Did you know that?

[Dave Burd]

I say my friend's the youngest and youngest.

[Chuck]

I say Microsoft that way because I just read that Elon Musk has created an actual company called Micro Hard.

[Dave Burd]

Yeah, I know, I'm sorry.

[Chuck]

Called Macro Hard. That's designed to completely compete with Bill Gates and I believe AI and he has. His whole company is called Macro Hard. And it's totally serious as a legit company. And he's that competitive that he named it that because he thinks it's so funny.

[Benny]

Macro Hard.

[Chuck]

I thought, man, that would have been a good album title for me.

[Benny]

Oh, my God, that would have been great.

[Chuck]

Macro Hard or like Micro Dick.

[Dave Burd]

I'm looking at young inventors.

[Chuck]

Well, who? I mean, not that I don't care about the people, but for this sake of this. It's less about the names of the people, it's more about the solve.

[Dave Burd]

My friend invented the societal.

[Chuck]

The gap that was bridged. I just wish we could bridge a gap.

[Dave Burd]

My friend invented trying to get a good sound bite.

[Chuck]

Good sound bite? Not at all. Why did it sound like I was smart?

[Benny]

Yeah, I looked over and you were really pitching.

[Chuck]

No, no, no. I was just so.

[Dave Burd]

You know, like, the guys from Airbnb put blow up mattresses into their actual home and, like, tried to get people to rent it. They had blow up mattresses.

[Chuck]

There was a void.

[Benny]

Like, we want to go on vacation,

[Chuck]

not stay at a hotel. I know, Oh, I have a summer house. How can I profit?

[Dave Burd]

I want to book a home on Airbnb right now.

[Chuck]

All right, now I have to ask you an honest question. What are you doing? Or are you being serious? When you. Did you just bring up Airbnb organically?

[Dave Burd]

I was actually thinking, because I'M planning a trip in Europe and I love the. Like.

[Chuck]

I swear he's in ad mode.

[Dave Burd]

I swear he's in ad mode.

[Benny]

No, I believe it.

[Chuck]

They can see it. They can see it.

[Dave Burd]

I believe it.

[Benny]

Can I.

[Dave Burd]

Can I. Can I tell you?

[Chuck]

Dookie wipe. I would call my thing from earlier the Dookie Wipe. And the tagline would be, we thread the needle.

[Dave Burd]

Do you think. Do you think robots, like, have, like, emotions?

[Chuck]

No, but they will.

[Dave Burd]

Why do they feel so emotional?

[Chuck]

What do you mean? It's our emotions for. We have emotions. We can be emotional about a rabbit. We can be emotional about an ant.

[Dave Burd]

Have you seen those rabbits that have, like, weird horns now? They're, like, all messed up. No, you haven't seen them with, like, all of.

[Chuck]

Oh, maybe I have.

[Dave Burd]

There's, like, they're getting, like, these infections and they're freaks.

[Benny]

They have horns.

[Dave Burd]

Yeah. They have, like, large, huge barnacles and stuff.

[Chuck]

The human horn looks like mace. You press a button instead of spraying something with mace.

[Dave Burd]

Human horn.

[Benny]

They have a lot of. Not salamander, but, like, lizards, but giant ones.

[Chuck]

Were any of them caiman?

[Benny]

No, but they

[Chuck]

also. Bottles. I mean, that's before bottles. Like, when you were just, like, scooping up water and they were like, wait a minute. We can. Like, this is like. We should be thinking of shit like this. This is so useful. Like, oh, my God, this water is being held up in the air.

[Dave Burd]

It's too hard.

[Chuck]

Too hard right in front of us.

[Dave Burd]

No, I feel like everything, like, that's been invented. It has to be, like, everything utilitarian,

[Chuck]

but, like, the thermos. Do you think this invention that I think we all heard at some point over the last five years when we were like, oh, cool. Like, didn't see that coming, but it makes a lot of sense. Do you think that's actually, like, playing out enough in real life to warrant it? The invention I'm talking about is the fridge that keeps tracking of all the ingredients that's in there. And it, like, tells you when you.

[Benny]

It's a smart fridge.

[Dave Burd]

No, I don't think anyone can do that.

[Chuck]

I don't think it worked. Like, I think they thought the demand would be so much higher. Like, it can, like, make recipes for you. I've never seen in anyone's house, like,

[Dave Burd]

a smart fridge doing any work.

[Chuck]

No one's.

[Benny]

The price point's just too high.

[Chuck]

I'm right.

[Dave Burd]

What do you think the top 10 things are that we, like, don't appreciate? Inventions that we don't appreciate. Oh, number 10 zippers.

[Chuck]

I appreciate. Wow. Okay, nine.

[Dave Burd]

It says we don't appreciate chairs enough. I was appreciating mine earlier.

[Chuck]

I appreciate chairs.

[Dave Burd]

Elevators.

[Chuck]

I'm highly appreciative of elevators.

[Benny]

What is this? Just like, no one talks about it enough. It's not getting enough.

[Chuck]

Refrigerators, escalators. Better not be on a list.

[Dave Burd]

Flesh toilets.

[Chuck]

Flush. Yeah. What's a non flush toilet? Like, just a place to shit?

[Benny]

Yeah. Modern plumbing.

[Dave Burd]

Modern toilet.

[Chuck]

Just shit on the ground and someone comes and scoops it. What?

[Benny]

No, there's a lot of toilets that are like, on the ground.

[Dave Burd]

Tin cans.

[Chuck]

What do you mean on the ground?

[Benny]

Like in certain countries, I think there's just holes.

[Chuck]

Yeah, holes. And then who gets rid of all this fecal?

[Dave Burd]

Tin cans.

[Chuck]

The earth just inherits it.

[Dave Burd]

Tin cans.

[Chuck]

Never used any tin cans. I think that's so dated to the Folgers era.

[Benny]

What?

[Chuck]

What are you talking about, tin cans?

[Dave Burd]

Everything's in a tin can.

[Chuck]

Oh, tuna fish.

[Dave Burd]

Everything.

[Chuck]

Oh, it preserves. It preserves. Yeah, check.

[Dave Burd]

It is incredible.

[Chuck]

Okay.

[Dave Burd]

Probably might be the best invention ever. Locks and keys.

[Chuck]

Keys are crazy. The jaggedness of a keyboard.

[Dave Burd]

I don't even understand how it works.

[Chuck]

It must be so intricate how a lock is for that level of jagged.

[Dave Burd]

Okay, what about this? This is such soap.

[Chuck]

I think of soap in a bar.

[Dave Burd]

This is so stupid. We can't invent anything.

[Chuck]

The quill.

[Dave Burd]

We can't invent anything.

[Chuck]

The quill was so smart. A feather that is dipped in ink.

[Dave Burd]

Why can't we invent it?

[Benny]

We can. We have to give it one last really hard shot.

[Dave Burd]

This show is sponsored by Liquid IV.

[Chuck]

Did you know Liquid IV has 3x? That's triple the hydration. That's a typical sports drink. I'm talking to you.

[Dave Burd]

Oh, do I?

[Lil Dicky]

Yes.

[Dave Burd]

No, I didn't know. I know now, though.

[Lil Dicky]

Yeah.

[Dave Burd]

Are you a sports star?

[Chuck]

I'm a great basketball player. I'm a great athlete in general. There's a lot of sports that I'm good at. You can just go to YouTube, Google whatever, type in little dicky basketball. You'll understand why I'm uniquely qualified to be talking about this at all.

[Dave Burd]

Tear, Pour, Live more. Go to LiquidIV.com and get 20% off your first order with code FKS at checkout. That's 20% off your first order with Code [e-mail] we love you, Liquid I.

[Lil Dicky]

Okay.

[Chuck]

I just had a great idea.

[Dave Burd]

Okay.

[Chuck]

I don't know why this is impossible. If I duct tape my mouth right, I can't spit out of it. There's, you know, there's no. I can't get, like, liquid to come out of it, right?

[Benny]

Why?

[Chuck]

Because it's so taut.

[Benny]

Yeah, but you can't just, like, make up.

[Chuck]

That's part a issues. I really just thought of it.

[Dave Burd]

Okay.

[Chuck]

Instead of condoms or dental dams or fucking whatever the fuck IUDs, it is a small piece of tape that you put right over your pee hole. And it prevents the cum from coming out. But it's this big and it's just so taut against your. Your dick feels the exact same.

[Dave Burd]

How does it stay on?

[Benny]

Magnets.

[Chuck]

There's no way. There's no way that the force of cum coming out of the dick is strong enough to get past the tape level that we've created.

[Dave Burd]

Wow. It's like 70.

[Benny]

I have an idea.

[Chuck]

I think it's like, what would happen if the dick shot back.

[Benny]

They should just make men's underwear, though.

[Dave Burd]

How fast does cum shoot out of your dick?

[Benny]

They should make men's underwear where the goes. It's just a condom.

[Chuck]

They make those for strip clubs.

[Dave Burd]

Cum shoots out of your dick like 40 miles per hour.

[Chuck]

We've created such good adhesion. We have in all types of ways. Gorilla glue.

[Dave Burd]

How do you put it on?

[Chuck]

Oh, that's my pee hole.

[Dave Burd]

How does it stay on tapes?

[Chuck]

Adhesion.

[Dave Burd]

But how do you. You're fucking with tapes all over.

[Chuck]

Yeah, I'm fucking right now with a fucking plastic bag wrapped so taut around my dick.

[Dave Burd]

Why don't you just get a little adhesion for your pre comp.

[Chuck]

I. You're talking about spot, sort of Spot. Spot. That's the name of the device. Spot.

[Benny]

Is it like medical grade mesh?

[Chuck]

You're like, man, you didn't.

[Benny]

That's strapped to your.

[Chuck]

Yes.

[Dave Burd]

You're like, I got a spot on my dick.

[Chuck]

No, you're like, did you bring spots? Did you bring any spots?

[Benny]

You know, the.

[Dave Burd]

I mean, that sounds terrible.

[Chuck]

I brought eight spots. Like, I'm ready to go. It doesn't sound terrible. I brought four spots. I can fuck all night. That sounds normal. I brought four condoms.

[Dave Burd]

I gotta go freestyle. I'll see you guys.

[Chuck]

There must be something about the force of cum and the lack of adhesion. Piss. I get why we do piss strong through a spot.

[Benny]

I do like the name Spot.

[Chuck]

I think it's a good idea. I really do.