Giggling about authenticity, splits, and hairlines

Summary

Giggly Squad: “Giggling about authenticity, splits, and hairlines”

Hannah Berner & Paige DeSorbo | September 23, 2025

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Overview

In this episode, Hannah and Paige unleash their trademark wit and self-deprecating humor while discussing the idea of authenticity—in social media and in life. From the pressures of being “relatable” online to hilarious takes on pop culture, fashion, and dating, the duo jumps between topics with infectious energy. They also share personal stories about their stand-up tours, high school reunions, beauty routines, and even a deep dive into their TV obsessions. Expect plenty of tangents, memorable quotes, and the real talk only the Giggly Squad can provide.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Relatability and Authenticity Online

• Both hosts vent about the exhausting push for relatability online and how being genuinely “authentic” has itself become a performative trend.
• Paige on boundaries:
  “Let's normalize you not knowing a fucking thing about me. Like, let's normalize. I don't want to be relatable to everyone.” (03:35)
• Hannah on authenticity as a buzzword:
  “If you say ‘I'm being authentic or I'm trying to be authentic,’ you're not authentic.” (03:49)
• They poke fun at brands endlessly chasing “authenticity” and how Paige, ironically, can’t even attend her high school reunion because it doesn’t fit her schedule—declaring it “not relatable. Not authentic.” (04:54)

2. Stand-Up Life, Comfort, and Friendship

• Discussion about performing stand-up, what to wear, and the connection between comfort and creativity.
• Hannah talking stand-up:
  “When I'm working on new jokes, I wear something to reflect it. Like, I’ll wear a hoodie because if you show up on stage...when the material's ready, then you put the fit together.” (05:59)
• Friendship moments where Hannah references Paige in her act, and how personal relationships become part of the comedy hour.
  “If I didn’t talk about you in the hour, we’re not friends.” (07:29)

3. TV & Pop Culture Obsessions

• Deep dive into the TV show “Nashville” and discussion about its stars, character dynamics, and how TV casting standards differ for men and women.
• On hot men in TV:
  “If I wanted to look at ugly men, I would literally go on the sidewalk. Not in my television.” (10:39)
• Touch on streaming platform trends—Hannah and Paige compare notes on Netflix, Hulu, HBO, and specific shows like the new Jason Bateman series, “Bad Rabbit.”

4. Beauty, Aging, and Confidence

• They celebrate growing into their looks with age versus their 20s.
• Paige: “At 34, I’m the hottest I’ve ever been.” (14:31)
• Paige’s brother’s brutal honesty about her past “bitchy” phase, leading to family group chat revelations and laughs about personal growth and mental health. (15:14–15:49)

5. Dating App Realness and Bumble Talk

• Extended riff on dating experiences—success stories, horror stories ("Did you eat him?!"), and how Bumble’s safety features make dating less daunting.
• Hannah: “Bumble is always for like the type A girls...who are like, ‘I'm taking control of my life.” (17:05)
• They emphasize the value of ID and photo verification, relatable friends’ stories, and the importance of choosing who you want to talk to—"Let me do the choosing. Like I’m at a restaurant sitting down to eat.” (17:18)

6. Funny Takes on Football and Male Socialization

• Paige hilariously reframes watching football as “musical theater,” riffing on the choreography and costumes.
• Paige: “Honestly, the whole thing...This is musical theater, okay? You have to remember the plays. Sorry, that's memorizing lines.” (21:13)
• Reflects on the much-discussed “male loneliness epidemic” and immediately debunks it after witnessing the camaraderie and high-fives at Giants games.

7. Bathroom & Travel Comedy

• Riffing on airport bathrooms, seatbelt struggles after “Hot Ones,” and Paige’s “chic” story of a friend meeting her partner in an airport lounge.
• Hannah: “I spend a lot of time in airport stalls, which you know, is like Russian roulette.” (25:15)

8. Dancing, Splits, and Embarrassing Skills

• Segue into Dancing with the Stars, ballroom dance culture, and the “split at a wedding” etiquette.
• Paige (on splits): "If someone does a split at my wedding. No...that's worse than them wearing white." (47:50)
• Irish step dancing tangents, obsessions with kids ballroom dancing videos, and genetic theories about flexibility.

9. Feminine Safety and Navigating City Life

• Candid talk on navigating city streets, female rage, and how to project confidence as a safety measure.
• Hannah’s advice: “You keep your head high. And you look slightly angry. Don’t put your head down and look shy and scared.” (60:32)
• TikTok-inspired “predator studies” and why walking with purpose can deter unwanted attention.

10. Harvard Gig & Professional Validation

• Paige is invited to speak at a Harvard business class:
  "I literally got the email and I was like, why do you guys want me? And then I thought, let me throw the craziest fit." (51:22)
• Ongoing jokes about Paige’s reading and writing skills, with both hosts affirming the importance of leaning into one’s quirks.

11. Food, Technology, and Everyday Life

• Food confessions (Chipotle over fine NYC dining), Dunkin’ Donuts drink breakdowns, gripes about measurement units, and resisting technological upgrades.
• Flash debates on parenting styles and Paige’s predictions about Hannah's possible “crunchy” mom future vs. 1980s-style detachment.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On internet relatability:
  Paige (03:35): “Let’s normalize you not knowing a fucking thing about me.”
• On being authentic:
  Hannah (03:49): “If you try to be authentic, you’re not.”
• On attractive TV casting:
  Paige (10:39): “If I wanted to look at ugly men, I would literally go on the sidewalk. Not in my television.”
• On aging into your looks:
  Paige (14:31): “At 34, I’m the hottest I’ve ever been.”
• On dating fatigue:
  Hannah (16:58): "The algorithm is there for you now. You have interests, interests, new hobbies to talk about."
• On male sports bonding:
  Paige (21:32): "Take one look around that stadium...I'm like, male loneliness epidemic. Where?”
• On splits at weddings:
  Paige (47:50): "If someone does a split at my wedding. No, I'm...wait, that's worse than them wearing white."
• On flying and baggage rules:
  Hannah (29:14): “Craziest thing, sexist. That women...we have to consolidate our purse. And men have their fucking stupid little fake wallets in their back pocket.”
• On self-defense in NYC:
  Hannah (59:07): “I want someone to come for me. I’ve been fucking waiting for this moment.”
• Advice for street safety:
  Hannah (60:32): “You keep your head high. And you look slightly angry...head up, chin up, and you're focused.”
• On daily dining habits:
  Hannah (69:17): “I ordered from Chipotle yesterday...I think we all are eating the same four meals, even though there's billions of restaurants around.”
• On measures and ounces:
  Paige (67:28): “Don't talk to me about feet, inches, millimeters, kilograms, quarts, teaspoons...Don't talk to me in that rhetoric or tone.”

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 03:04–04:09 – Authenticity in social media & Paige’s “no more relatability” rant
• 05:57–07:32 – Stand-up comedy fits and friendship in Hannah’s stand-up
• 09:02–11:50 – Nashville and TV casting expectations
• 14:18–15:49 – Aging, confidence, and Paige’s brother’s “intervention”
• 16:09–19:33 – Bumble, dating app stories, verification, and safety
• 21:13–22:50 – Football as “musical theater” and debunking male loneliness
• 24:51–27:05 – Bathroom and travel comedy
• 39:30–43:00 – Judging reality TV, Project Runway, and fear of being mean
• 47:04–48:28 – Splits: party tricks and wedding drama
• 59:07–61:16 – NYC street safety, female rage, and projecting confidence
• 51:22–53:16 – Paige's Harvard appearance & reading/writing jokes
• 66:28–68:30 – US measurement gripes & Italian grandma “eyeballing” recipes
• 69:17–69:43 – New Yorkers’ real eating habits (not fancy restaurants)

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Tone & Style

• Conversational, self-deprecating, witty, observational; lots of rapid-fire exchanges.
• Encourages listeners (Gigglers) not to take themselves too seriously and always find the humor in the daily grind.

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This episode of Giggly Squad delivers an unfiltered, laughter-packed hour on living (and laughing) authentically—even if that means embracing your own messy, unrelatable, slightly unshaven, “eyeball it” self.

Transcript

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[Hannah]

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[Paige]

Gary, fix your WI fi.

[Hannah]

Manifest that shit. We can't be managed.

[Paige]

I mean, the day just got away from me.

[Hannah]

It's going down, down, Gigglers.

[Paige]

Every time the pod starts, I think of something that is like, so not acceptable for the pod and I'm like.

[Hannah]

Oh my God, I have to tell.

[Paige]

You this later because it's so unhinged and I wish that I Could say it on the pod, but it's just like, I can't wait.

[Hannah]

When I just said it's going down, I thought it was gonna come up more. But finish this song.

[Paige]

It's going down, down, sugar, we're going down swinging.

[Hannah]

See, I didn't know that was the words. I thought it was going down. Down. Neena. No, round. What is those words? And then I realized I don't want to know.

[Paige]

No, those. That genre. Specifically little fake and gay. I'm obsessed as I just wait.

[Hannah]

I've been wanting to make a TikTok of that. But I sat back, I said, which one do we do?

[Paige]

No, because you want to know what? We're in like, a different box. Other people on the Internet can do stuff. And then when we do it, it's like, oh, my God.

[Hannah]

Well, everyone was really mad. Not mad, but when I was talking about red lettuce, everyone's like, it's a fucking cabbage. I'm like, do people really know that? Is it that obvious?

[Paige]

No, The Internet.

[Hannah]

Because I never learned that in school. They're like, it's. It's a cabbage.

[Paige]

You could say anything.

[Hannah]

It's a cabbage.

[Paige]

And someone's right there to be like, except for the fact. And you're like, okay.

[Hannah]

And that.

[Paige]

I've actually hit a point where I don't want to be relatable to everyone. Oh, I don't.

[Hannah]

Oh, you've been in the comments. She goes, I have responses.

[Paige]

The Internet is all about everyone. So obsess with relatability and authenticity. You know what? Let's normalize. You not knowing a fucking thing about me. Like, let's normalize. I don't want to be relatable to everyone.

[Hannah]

If you say I'm being authentic or I'm trying to be authentic. You're not authentic. If you try to be authentic, you're not. And for brands to be like, we're just trying to be authentic.

[Paige]

I can't with the word authenticity anymore.

[Hannah]

Authentic is like the new essential. Where people used to be, like, essential. Another, like, I'm just, like, being. Trying to be authentic.

[Paige]

I want my feed to be filled with inauthentic people. I want super rich people on my for you page. I want to see how they live. I don't want to relate to them whatsoever. And I want something to aspire to. What happened to aspiring to something?

[Hannah]

If you want relatability, go to Facebook. Go to your high school graduation group. Click on one of the profiles.

[Paige]

Speaking of that, I'm missing my high school graduation. No, not that. I'm missing my high school reunion.

[Hannah]

Oh, your high school reunion.

[Paige]

And I was going to, like. I felt good for this one. You know, the one, like, five years ago.

[Hannah]

You were, like, ready.

[Paige]

No, you weren't ready. But I can't go to it because it's.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Whatever.

[Hannah]

It doesn't work out.

[Paige]

It doesn't work with my schedule. With your schedule.

[Hannah]

They didn't talk to your team beforehand, which is not relatable.

[Paige]

Not relatable. Not authentic.

[Hannah]

What's funny, though? Not to. Not to be too relatable, but Beacon on the Upper west side, they do like reunions, but it's, like, in someone's garage in Bushwick with, like, a dj. It's.

[Paige]

So. Ours is like a luncheon. It's like, come here, and we're gonna have cocktails. No. Speaking of authenticity, every Monday, I'm like, let me throw a fall fit for the girls so there's, like, inspiration for the week. When it comes to getting dressed for the pod, I can't do it.

[Hannah]

You have nothing left.

[Paige]

I think it's because I'm like.

[Hannah]

Is it? Cause you're bringing so much personality to the pod every week that, like, it's almost too much to bring both the personality and the fit?

[Paige]

No, because I've been on stage so many times doing both, which is insulting that you'd even bring that up. It's more like, when I'm with you, I need to be my most comfortable.

[Hannah]

And that's how I feel all the time. But also when you come in in a comfortable fit, I'm like, oh, she's ready to fucking go off on the mic.

[Paige]

I think I can say more.

[Hannah]

Well, we always joke in stand up in the standup community. When I'm working on new jokes, I wear something to reflect it. Like, I'll wear a hoodie because if you show up on stage, I love.

[Paige]

When life imitates art.

[Hannah]

Yeah. But then when the material's ready, then you put the fit together. You're wearing a tie on stage. Yeah. Which, by the way, I'm so in love with my new hour. I've been having so much fun, but I did fly in today, and I'm very tired.

[Paige]

I can imagine. Were you in Virginia?

[Hannah]

I was in Virginia, y'.

[Paige]

All.

[Hannah]

It is Southern.

[Paige]

I had so many of the Virginia gigglers being like, we know you're here.

[Hannah]

I always think I'm hiding you in my suitcase.

[Paige]

Like, guys, I'm. I was like, I'm not there. Like, I don't want to get your Hopes up. They're like, well, we know you're coming out.

[Hannah]

The worst part about my show is that, like, obviously, my hours about my life. So obviously there are references. Sometimes I'll just say Paige. Sometimes I say my best friend Paige, because I don't want to assume.

[Paige]

And I like, you know where we're at.

[Hannah]

I have a bit about how pretty you are. Thank you.

[Paige]

Obviously, that's all I require. Moving forward.

[Hannah]

Literally, it's like, it's okay if your best friend somewhere else, as long as she's saying your name and preaching your name.

[Paige]

You know what's so funny? Every time I watch like a Comedian hour, actually, the one that always pops into my head is John Mulaney. He's like, one of his earlier ones. He would do it all about his wife.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Paige]

I don't mean to bring that up because they're divorced now, but I would always think, like, does he run this by her first? And that's our relationship. Like, you do hours about me sometimes.

[Hannah]

No, because if you're close to a comedian, they're gonna.

[Paige]

You're gonna be in the hour.

[Hannah]

If I didn't talk about you in the hour. We're not friends.

[Paige]

It's not authentic.

[Hannah]

It's not authentic. But it's funny. Cause I mention you, and there's always, like, a big cheer. And then I'm like, okay, back to me. And then there's always someone's like, where's Paige? And I'm like, how do I tell this to you? She couldn't make it to Norfolk, Virginia, this weekend.

[Paige]

You were there Sunday, I was Richmond.

[Hannah]

Sunday, I went to Cat Cafe called the Perfect Bean. Get it? The Perfect Bean.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

Oh, my God. I went to A and beans.

[Paige]

Like, toe beans. A double entendre.

[Hannah]

What's so crazy is four years ago, you would have never known that.

[Paige]

You would have never gotten that.

[Hannah]

And, like, people grow as before, and they change. I have to make an announcement.

[Paige]

Okay.

[Hannah]

I'm obsessed with the show Nashville.

[Paige]

I'm obsessed with it.

[Hannah]

I'm only. Wait, wait, are you really?

[Paige]

Well, you texted me and said, do you want to start Nashville? And you've never done that. But we've never had a show simultaneously. I've never done it. I think it's a new.

[Hannah]

But this is the thing. I start it, and immediately I go, oh, no, no, no. There's a. They're singing, but it's not. It's not like, someone's like, I could.

[Paige]

Do a pop star in musicals.

[Hannah]

They're like. And then I remember this one time.

[Paige]

Yeah. That I was gone and I was free.

[Hannah]

I'm like, this is like, she's a pop star. And then the song's low key. I'm like, is this slapping?

[Paige]

Okay. Also, they're both really good.

[Hannah]

They all actually sing in it. I've done some research and I think.

[Paige]

There really was drama on that set for sure.

[Hannah]

Cause I googled it and everything on the Internet's correct.

[Paige]

Everything ever put on the Internet.

[Hannah]

And they like hinted that. Cause their relationship on camera had so much tension, they tried to be like. But also, just cause your relationship on camera has tension does not mean you have to not get along in person.

[Paige]

Right? No. I would say the majority of sex sets, people like get along. Unless there's like an A list male actor. Then I'm sure some shit goes around every single set. But other than that.

[Hannah]

So for people don't know. Nashville is about this older country star and this new country star, Connie Britton.

[Paige]

And Hayden Panter, an original, gorgeous redhead, I think we should also point out.

[Hannah]

So iconic. I never knew how Hayden Panettiere, like came up.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

Like, I've never saw her work. I can't look away from her in terms of, like, how she carries herself.

[Paige]

Like her aesthetic.

[Hannah]

She's such a good villain. But then you're like, wait, but is she just complicated? And I feel like every. Someone with add, every scene is giving now. Am I triggered by any man with a guitar? And were there a couple scenes? Especially with the very religious football player that I was like, it was feeling too close to home for me. And the CTE was raging. Um, but I. All the guys are so hot in it.

[Paige]

Yeah. No, and that's gonna know why.

[Hannah]

Why?

[Paige]

Because it used to be on prime time television and people wanna watch hot people. They don't want relatability in television.

[Hannah]

I also, I fucking hate when it's all these hot women with just below average dudes around them.

[Paige]

If I wanted to look at ugly men, I would literally go on the sidewalk. Not in my television.

[Hannah]

Yeah. Yep. I want the. Whoever did the casting, it was either a flaming gay man with impeccable taste or a woman who hated her husband and was living vicariously through this casting process. The men are so hot, they're like pulling off soul patches. I was like, am I attracted to a man with a soul patch right now? Like, I'm questioning everything about me.

[Paige]

Yeah. No, I think it was like a massive show. I don't. Like, where was I? We were in college.

[Hannah]

We were in college.

[Paige]

So it's hard to keep up with something.

[Hannah]

The only thing I came up with in college was Jersey Shore. Yeah, the Thursdays we watched Jersey Shore, but that was it. But I knew it was always around. But also, like, I'm not a country music fan. Yeah, we listen to misogynistic rap. Like, I was like, there's no way this is for me. But also, as comedians, we have this obsession with musicians. Cause, like, we're going to all the same stages, but we don't get respect. And they get one 3 minute song and people are like, you're amazing. Where I'll do the same joke twice at the stand and someone will be like, this bitch doesn't have any new material. Cutie said that, like, after a giant joke, they're like, next one, next one. What?

[Paige]

I wouldn't have even noticed, like, the opening scene is the Orpheum, the old free. Yeah. Up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What did I say?

[Hannah]

Orpheum, which is Madison, Wisconsin.

[Paige]

We're getting all the thinking of the badgers.

[Hannah]

So they perform in the first scene where we performed. So you're enjoying it.

[Paige]

Netflix, I feel like, is crushing it. I go through phases with my streaming platforms. Like, some days I'm like, it's all about Hulu, who could even compete. Then other days I'm like, hbo till I die. Netflix is doing a really good job because I also started that Jason Bateman show, Bad Rabbit, which I keep wanting to call Task Rabbit, but that's my own issue. He's such a phenomenal.

[Hannah]

Is Bad Rabbit about like a vibrator that goes rogue?

[Paige]

It's about a restaurant in New York City that they, like, open, these two brothers. It's Jason Bateman and his brother Jude Lawrence. And it's like they're like degenerates kind of. And like, it's just them, like, scraping by and trying to, like, get through. And these guys are, like, trying to kill the one guy. It's like a whole thing.

[Hannah]

Is Jude Law British or American?

[Paige]

No.

[Hannah]

Oh.

[Paige]

One thing about Jude Law.

[Hannah]

Remember.

[Paige]

When he had that crazy scandal because he cheated on his wife and he hooked up with the nanny? The nanny, I think his karma, currently his hairline. It's insane.

[Hannah]

Go to Turkey.

[Paige]

No.

[Hannah]

Go to Turkey. You're already in Europe. You live in Europe.

[Paige]

It's almost insulting to the American people because it's like, you're Jude Lee Law.

[Hannah]

Is he being relatable?

[Paige]

Not if you're on my tv. Don't be relatable if you're on my tv In a Scripted show. It is in tip top shape.

[Hannah]

My mom loves Jude Law on the holiday he came up on the screen, she said, oh, really?

[Paige]

I had the same reaction. I go, oh, let's put some criticism on the men, Jude. Figure it out, honey, because it's not, it's not, it's not looking.

[Hannah]

At least a comb over look.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

The European men are like, I don't do my teeth, I don't do my hair. They're just kind of like, this is me.

[Paige]

Well, if you want to work in America.

[Hannah]

Or do you also think he got cocky for a second where he was like, people love me because I'm good at acting.

[Paige]

I think it's just men don't think about it. Where women start thinking about it at like 23, we start getting pushed. I cream. So like by our 50s, we've been here where men are like, oh, am I aging? But even then, it's like they got salt and pepper hair. We got like witchy.

[Hannah]

But I do have to say hot take. I was talking to my friend. I had like baby fat in my face in my 20s. Yeah, that has gone. And I kind of feel like more snatched than ever.

[Paige]

At 34, I'm the hottest I've ever been.

[Hannah]

I'm the hottest I've ever been. Like, I was, I wouldn't say ugly, but the feng shui was off on my face. I was figuring it out when I was younger.

[Paige]

I socialized. This weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

[Hannah]

What? Oh, so you're more tired than me. And I went touring.

[Paige]

No, I literally yapped Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday night. Went to a party on Saturday night. Saw some people hadn't seen in a couple years because I'm not in the party scene. And they said, you've never looked better.

[Hannah]

But you know what? It's also inner beauty. You're shining.

[Paige]

It's my aura.

[Hannah]

You're shining from inside.

[Paige]

Thank you so much. 12:30, they go, you've always been beautiful.

[Hannah]

But you had an ugly energy deal. And they go, now positive.

[Paige]

It's actually. That's funny you say that. My brother said the exact same thing to me this weekend. He goes, do you know that like a couple for a couple of years, you were like, really a bitch to be around. And it was like, unsettling. And we all talked about it and I was like, what do you mean you? Who's you all? He was like, me, mom and dad.

[Hannah]

The family group chat.

[Paige]

He was like, pretty much everyone was like, I guess this is how she is now. I was like, oh, my God, you guys didn't even care enough to do an intervention.

[Hannah]

And then you're fired.

[Paige]

He was like, but you're, like, fun now again. And I was like, thanks, but get out of my apartment.

[Hannah]

You have phases in your life where you're kind of. You're navigating. And I did hear mental health moment, that at those times in your life that you're feeling lost and scared, you know, this is Marilyn Monroe quote that means something good is around the corner. That's how you know you're about to level up. When you feel most.

[Paige]

When things fall apart, it's so that other things can come together.

[Hannah]

Yes. Yes. You know they throw dirt on your name to grow flowers. That's a TikTok. That's what it's on TikTok. I do have to say, at my standup shows, I always ask how people met. And Bumble is literally one of the top ones.

[Paige]

I bet.

[Hannah]

And it's adorable.

[Paige]

I feel like any time I go to a wedding, like, and people are asking, like, how did the couple meet? It's always Bumble. And most recently, it's always been people being like, I deleted all the apps and then I redownloaded and then I met them.

[Hannah]

You never know. It's like thrift shopping, but another person's.

[Paige]

Yuck is another person's yum.

[Hannah]

Also, I do understand that sometimes you get tired with the dating apps and you, like, have to delete it. And then when you come back, it's like you feel renewed.

[Paige]

You need a minute.

[Hannah]

The algorithm is there for you now. You have interests, interests, new hobbies to talk about.

[Paige]

You have new pictures to upload.

[Hannah]

Yeah. And I also feel like Bumble is always for, like, the type A girls, which I feel like is a lot of gigglers who are like, I'm taking control of my life.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

I'm messaging who I want to message who I'm interested in. I don't like when guys are just bothering me. It feels very abrasive.

[Paige]

Like, let me choose.

[Hannah]

Let me do the choosing. Like, I'm at a restaurant sitting down to eat.

[Paige]

One of my friends met their fiance on Bumble. Not only did she, like, give up on all the dating apps and dating in general, she, like, moved states. She was like, got a new job, like, the whole thing. And then she was finally like, okay, I'm going to start dating again. Immediately found her fiance.

[Hannah]

That's crazy. I have heard stories of people being like, he was the first one I matched on. Yeah. And I'm like, how is that Possible. But you guys, anything can happen with love.

[Paige]

It's honestly such a rom com vibe.

[Hannah]

Yeah. Not to talk about my exes, but I did meet British Dave on Bumble, and British Dave has never done anything wrong.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

And he's perfect. He lives in Australia. He was trying to get away from me as far as possible.

[Paige]

I have a couple who've moved.

[Hannah]

Honestly, a win is a win. I definitely had the situation where the guy's photos were, like, him looking so hot in college, playing football, and it was like seven years later and that man looked so different. I said, where is that stud from this photo? And did you eat him?

[Paige]

I've had a lot of guys where, like, all their interests on the dating app and like, you meet them and it's like, none of those are their interests.

[Hannah]

Also, when they say, I want a girl who, like, doesn't take life seriously. Shut up.

[Paige]

Yeah. Or like, what I like. Sorry. Sundays, I'm doing my hair journey.

[Hannah]

I have a hair mask.

[Paige]

Yeah. Like, I have to hair mask on Sundays.

[Hannah]

But the great thing about Bumble is they're aware of all these, like, mistakes that happen on dating apps. So they have an ID and photo verification, which is amazing because I feel like it makes things feel safer.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

The only surprise is, like, their drink order.

[Paige]

Do a full background check.

[Hannah]

Yeah. Like, I don't want a guy saying he's like 35 and he's 26.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

And I'm like, where's your mother?

[Paige]

Like, when I needed to match up with your license.

[Hannah]

When's your curfew? I want to see a therapy bill.

[Paige]

And don't make me get the authorities involved.

[Hannah]

The profiles on Bumble kind of highlight what you have in common so you can quickly spot which prompts you should respond to like. So it makes it easy.

[Paige]

Like, if someone said, hiking, fishing, outdoor things, I would say next, no, thank you.

[Hannah]

It gives you a full vibe. I just think the algorithm and how they have the profile set up makes it so easy for you mentally and not as exhausting. And if you're still exhausted from dating, because dating can be hard, they have a dating coach, which is really cute.

[Paige]

Wait, I kind of love that job application.

[Hannah]

They give you advice tips right when you might need a hand. They encourage you to show interest in their interest. They prompt. It's like when your girls are sick of you talking about your dating life. You're just like, Bumble Coach when you.

[Paige]

Bring up the classics. Today's segment is brought to you by Bumble, the go to for finding love. Dating should Feel exciting, not exhausting. And Bumble makes it fun, safe, and totally on your terms. So if you're ready for a real connection that lasts, Bumble's ready when you are. So last night, when I'm at the Giants game.

[Hannah]

Wait, I didn't know you were at the Giants game. Malik Neighbors.

[Paige]

I hate to say it, perfect night for a game. So not a sentence I would say, but it was like, the best weather.

[Hannah]

Did I watch it on tv?

[Paige]

Did you?

[Hannah]

Yeah. Because Malik neighbors is my.

[Paige]

In your fantasy.

[Hannah]

In my fantasy league. And he. He hurt himself. Like, did he? Yeah, he might have left. No. Fantasy football is just trying to, like, make sure your guys don't die.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

And my guys went out on a stretcher, and I. Babe, I need you to live. Wait, I saw.

[Paige]

Wait. From the Giants. One of them, yeah.

[Hannah]

They're always getting like, here's the thing.

[Paige]

I'm sitting there, I'm watching the game, I'm eating my snacks, and at one point I go, that is adorable. And my brother is sitting next to me, and he goes, what? And I go, adorable. And he was like, what part is adorable? And I go, honestly, the whole thing, like, let's just bring it down for a minute. This is musical theater, okay? You have to remember the plays. Sorry, that's memorizing lines.

[Hannah]

That's choreography.

[Paige]

That's choreography.

[Hannah]

When they go, 5, 6, 7, 8.

[Paige]

And they're all putting the same outfit on. Sorry, that's a costume. And then they're all going out there, they know what they have to do. And then they're performing. And I think it's adorable.

[Hannah]

Also.

[Paige]

Take one look around that stadium. 85,000 people. I go, male loneliness epidemic. Where? What the fuck are you talking about?

[Hannah]

Singing the same song.

[Paige]

I'm like, it's stacked here. There's so many men high fiving each other. They don't know each other. They're just, like, having the best hugging ever.

[Hannah]

Crying.

[Paige]

No. At one point, I literally go, just kiss. Like, come on. I was wreaking havoc. And that's you.

[Hannah]

But at the end of the game, if a player, like, likes another player, he goes up to them and says, can we trade jerseys? And then they take each other's jerseys off. They undress, unclothe, and they swap jerseys. It's like going up to a girl at a party and be like, I really like your top. And she's like, I like your top. And you're like, do you want to go to the bathroom and, like, switch? And then you walk out and you're Like, I don't also. And then you walk out and you're like, it smells like you.

[Paige]

Oh. And then. And then at halftime, they had.

[Hannah]

Yeah, what'd they do?

[Paige]

They did the A and T band. Like, from the college. Like, from Drumline. Like that.

[Hannah]

Like, yes, yes.

[Paige]

They were so good. They were so good. And I was just like, this. What a great experience. And I just kept thinking, like, the men are fine. They're having a great time.

[Hannah]

No, they're literally.

[Paige]

Do you see? Travis Kelce was yelling, wait, so tell me the tea.

[Hannah]

Because I actually had to jump on stage during it. And they kept being like. They wouldn't say his name. They were like, the main players are really angry.

[Paige]

Well, I think he got fined earlier in the day for making, like, some, like, gesture. I don't know if he did, like, some, like, sexual gesture. He got, like, fined from the NFL. But then they were all.

[Hannah]

During the game or just, like, walking around.

[Paige]

No, actually.

[Hannah]

How early in the day?

[Paige]

I don't know.

[Hannah]

He did something.

[Paige]

I think he did something like referencing his crotch of some sort. Okay, whatever. And then he was, like, yelling at the code. No, literally.

[Hannah]

Wait, so he yelled at the code?

[Paige]

He was, like, heated about something. You could tell they were having a little back and forth.

[Hannah]

They had a little tiff. I mean, the drama.

[Paige]

The drama alone.

[Hannah]

Well, everyone's saying the Chiefs, they started off very badly. They're 0 3, and they just beat the Giants.

[Paige]

Okay, this isn't a.

[Hannah]

No, we're getting too.

[Paige]

We're getting to it. Honestly, I just started drifting off.

[Hannah]

Like, I. I know your eye. Literally, you started thinking, I have 3.

[Paige]

Minutes and 45 seconds in me to talk sports.

[Hannah]

You start thinking about my jazz, and.

[Paige]

Then I'm like, I think they all want to make out. We gotta change the subject.

[Hannah]

Wait, was Taylor there?

[Paige]

No.

[Hannah]

I wonder what she's up to.

[Paige]

I don't know, but they had prime rib, and so I, like, ate some of that.

[Hannah]

Did you get any finger food, though?

[Paige]

They had. No, it's not.

[Hannah]

No.

[Paige]

Sometimes when you go, like, fancy, you're like, okay, but where are the chicken wings?

[Hannah]

No, I hate it because I have to be able to hold it and talk and run around.

[Paige]

They did have these, like, fried lasagna balls, though. And I was like, you guys knew I was coming.

[Hannah]

Yeah, but this is the problem. If it's in front of me, I'm going to eat it. And then if I eat it, I'm going to make it everyone's problem because I'm going to blow up the bathroom?

[Paige]

Yeah. God forbid you want, like, a carrot stick at a football game.

[Hannah]

Sometimes, like, I feel like people judge me if I decide to go healthy for a second, and I'm like, it's not. It's not for me. It's for you.

[Paige]

Yeah, well, it's not really. It's not authentic to you.

[Hannah]

It's not.

[Paige]

So we feel the energy.

[Hannah]

We're like, when I'm home alone, I don't care if I have to run to the bathroom 800 times. When I'm in a public facility, especially where there's only one bathroom, these are things I factor in. There's a lot of. You know that meme when she's, like, adding carrying the one. Like, that's what I do when I see food, I actually do have something to say about the bathroom. Yeah. Because I spend a lot of time in airport stalls.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

Which you know, is like Russian roulette. You don't know what you're gonna get. Have you ever gotten into a stall and it smells bad? Yeah, but you're like this.

[Paige]

We just said I have to pay.

[Hannah]

But then you leave, and the other person thinks that you're the one who dealt it. Like, it's because of you. And do you ever want to be like, it was like that before I came in.

[Paige]

You know what?

[Hannah]

Do you know when the overall smell is just, like, stanky?

[Paige]

Yes, I know what you're talking about. And at an airport. No, I don't care. See, I think it's me all day long. There's something about me when I step so foot in an airport. I'm. I'm on alert. I'm pissed. I'm like. I'm all. I'm ready to yell at anyone who tries to, like, step to me. So, like, me, you thinking that I shit in the bathroom at LaGuardia. Least of my problems.

[Hannah]

No, but, like, do you know when it's a different kind of smell? Like something where some. Something died deep inside them? Like, it's not just like, oh, someone pooped.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

Like, sometimes these smells are crazy, and I don't want a giggler to. Then she goes on the Internet and she's like, hannah Burner killed someone in the bathroom, and I went in after her.

[Paige]

I feel like a lot of gigglers, though, have seen you, like, in and around a stall.

[Hannah]

Oh, that's where most gigglers see me. Or I'm, like, talking in a stall. I also, when I was at the stand a lot, doing spots, there's like. It's just a general Bathroom. So when I have to go to the bathroom, just bathroom. So I'd, like, see someone. I'd be like, hi, nice to meet you. And then be like, wanna go take a shift?

[Paige]

And no. Also, bathroom meetings are so interesting because it's like, do you hug? And I'm like, gross.

[Hannah]

Our girls will come up to me when I'm washing my hands. Yeah.

[Paige]

I'm like, let me wash my hands first.

[Hannah]

Also, everyone who sees me at the airport, they want a photo. And I'm like, are you sure? Are you sure? Because it's not good.

[Paige]

I met a girl this weekend, and we were talking about, like, how she met her boyfriend, and she met him in the airport lounge, which I'm like, so chic.

[Hannah]

That's so chic. And just because, you know, he has points.

[Paige]

And, like, then I was thinking, like, oh, my God, my mom is right. You should go to the. The airport, like, dressed cute.

[Hannah]

Okay. Okay, wait. This is a whole new strategy. Go to the airport, dress cute. Go to Delta Lounge or whatever your lounge is.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

Look lost. Even though it's, like, not even that big.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

And there's signs where the bathroom is.

[Paige]

She said he came up to her, like, and just started chatting.

[Hannah]

I'm obsessed, right? I mean, there's definitely moments where, like, you're sitting alone, they're sitting alone, we're all traveling.

[Paige]

And you're also, like, in the airport, and you have a crush on everyone because you're like, what if we. We all go down? This could be our last time.

[Hannah]

I had a crazy thing happen to me at the airport today. What? Well, I think the UN's in town or something.

[Paige]

When are they not?

[Hannah]

No, honestly don't know what UN is.

[Paige]

Anytime you get in a car in New York City and there's traffic, the driver always says, like, oh, it's because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, well, why don't they go home? It's so freaking annoying.

[Hannah]

So I'm in Richmond at the airport, trying to get to LaGuardia. And I love their Southern accents. But the lady who was in charge comes. It's a small plane. She goes, I'm not gonna say this over the speaker because it's just none of people's business.

[Paige]

But I wish you were. Damn.

[Hannah]

But immediately when she's like, I'm not gonna say this over speaker. I was like, if you're going to say something, I say with your whole chest, like, why is it not on the speaker?

[Paige]

And she goes, this is on the plane.

[Hannah]

No, this Is right before we're getting on. And she goes, I just need it.

[Paige]

Wait, so who is she saying it to?

[Hannah]

To all of us about to get on.

[Paige]

Okay.

[Hannah]

Like, you know when they're like, make sure you consolidate or whatever, and I'm never listening, but she doesn't go on the speaker.

[Paige]

You could give a shit less about accessories. Every flight I'm like, consolidate, consolidate. Like, all of a sudden you're like, I love my purse.

[Hannah]

No, because I think it's sexist. Craziest thing, sexist. That women who have a government. You have a little purse. We have to consolidate our purse. And men have their fucking stupid little fake wallets in their back pocket.

[Paige]

It's like, no, you know what? It actually is a gender issue.

[Hannah]

And then I have to shove it into my backpack. No. Okay.

[Paige]

Anyway. Okay, keep going.

[Hannah]

Since I'm in Tori, we're only getting flight stories. So she goes, I'm not gonna say he's not a speaker. And she goes, apparently, I've been notified that we need. You guys have to show us your IDs again. I have a theory while she goes, I have a theory while they're doing this, but I'm not gonna speak on that right now. And immediately I'm like, wait, what is the theory now? I need to know the theory. I wasn't worried, and now I'm worried. You. I have my theories for why they want to do this, but. So you're gonna have to show us your IDs. I think I know why, but they're. Anyway, so show your IDs first. We're just gonna have to do a special double check. I appreciate it. I look at Stuart, who's opening for me, and I go, what the fuck was that?

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

And she goes, what kind of conspiracy theory? And for a second I'm like, I.

[Paige]

Need to get in contact with her.

[Hannah]

Suddenly I'm like, I'm not getting on this plane. Like, what? It's one thing if you're just like, hey, we're gonna check IDs. No one would care.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

The fact that you go, I have also theories.

[Paige]

I feel like that's happened before where they're like, we're just double. Like, when you are traveling internationally, they look at your passport again.

[Hannah]

Also, it's possible that, like, they're just being double checking the fact that she goes, I have my theories. I was like, I'm out. Like, I don't need your conspiracy theory YouTube.

[Paige]

Say it.

[Hannah]

Say it legally on the speaker or don't say it at all. So we're all looking around. Suddenly, like, do we start pointing fingers at each other? We're like, who the fuck are you? I'm looking around. I'm like, who is on this plane? So then I called Des, and I'm like, this might be the last time I speak to you. And he was like, the UN's in town. That's why I'm like, then why did she make it into this?

[Paige]

One of you is going to try and take this plane down, and I will figure out which one.

[Hannah]

It's like, lady, I'm like, with planes, I don't fuck around. Don't shoot. This bitch went off script. These darn New Yorkers, you know, they're always planning. And she goes, and, you know, there's a bad history. And I was like, I can't get.

[Paige]

Into this right now.

[Hannah]

So anyway, everything was fine, except, same lady. We get on. I have nothing else going on.

[Paige]

How animated you are. I'm like, wait, should we make this into a movie? You're so passionate. We get on.

[Hannah]

And then towards the end, you know, they're always like, let me get your drinks. We're about to land. She goes, let me take your snacks. I said, what the. What is going on in America right now that you're taking my breath? Did the UN tell you to do this? I have my theories, but why are you taking my therapies? Okay, I'm sitting there, like, with a huge bottle of water, and she's taking this poor man's peanuts, and I'm like, let him have his peanut. What's gonna happen? So anyway, the airports need to get it in check.

[Paige]

The most important question I.

[Hannah]

She was blonde.

[Paige]

Okay. I was just gonna say in my head, I know exactly what she looks like. Yes or no. Had blonde hair. Could look like any one of your friend's moms.

[Hannah]

She was. Yes, she was a mom.

[Paige]

But, like, wanted to do a sassy updo, but really just had a clip, a thousand. You know, it wasn't naturally done to that woman.

[Hannah]

And it was the kind of thing that, you know, she's been doing every day since 1975. So anyway, she was on one. But also, I did. I did get random checked. I had a random check. It beeped and low key. It's main character energy. Like, when you go through and it beeps and they're like, you didn't do anything wrong. But, like, we just want to double check, like, your shoes.

[Paige]

I love knowing that there's something suspicious about me. I'm like, yeah, you can't read my mind. You don't know what I'm I just.

[Hannah]

Love that they're like of everyone in this line, you're different. There's something about you that's different. And I'm like, thanks for choosing me. Unpick me on the line. Oh God.

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[Hannah]

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[Paige]

Wait. I love looking at the note of like our shared note because sometimes it's just so crazy. Like just listen to this string of things. Coffee before a flight. New line. Pedophile New line. Songs I'm listening to. That is so unhinged. Pedophile pipeline to songs I'm listening to. So insane. So insane. What is the pedophile line?

[Hannah]

I'm intrigued. Such a good question. I think it was and I called him not knowing. I'm like it could be so many things. It could have been so many things. See, I have a theory. Okay, no, I was doing crowd work with a guy who had a mustache and I was just going in on him I was calling him all these names and then at one point I said, I was like, you look like a pedophile. And then I ran out of stuff to say, so I said, so what do you do for a living? And he said, I work with children. And the crowd, like, lost their mind.

[Paige]

Wow.

[Hannah]

But he was the good man, Susanna.

[Paige]

It's like you didn't. He's not a paid actor. You couldn't script.

[Hannah]

But you know what? Actually, this couple that I was talking to, I called a pedophile. His girlfriend messaged me after the show and said, we actually, like, went through a really hard time. There was like a death in the family. And this is the first time we laughed in a while. And she was like, thank you for calling him a pedophile. It really made my day.

[Paige]

And really.

[Hannah]

And you know what? Comedy's alive. Comedy's alive and well. Can we. We didn't discuss my. I'm like part of the Dancing with the Stars community now. Did you notice this? Did you notice this?

[Paige]

Where would I have noticed this?

[Hannah]

Okay, you don't follow me. On TikTok. I did one of.

[Paige]

Oh, I did. See, you did like a really.

[Hannah]

It was like six minutes.

[Paige]

I was like, what is this, espn? Like swipe. I liked it. I swiped.

[Hannah]

You supported. But you.

[Paige]

But I like, I kept going.

[Hannah]

Did you watch Dancing with the Stars?

[Paige]

I did. I watched the first episode.

[Hannah]

Okay. So, yeah, I had thoughts. And I didn't realize it's such a tight knit community that, like, everyone was.

[Paige]

Like commenting, Dancing with the Stars is a well oiled machine. They have a podcast discussing it. They have like, they have such a lore. It's been on for like 15 years. I feel like it's been on for.

[Hannah]

A long time, But I guess TikTok's making it really hot. But apparently one of the judges wasn't there and everyone's like, she's really mean, Carrie Ann. And I was like, first of all, I do not want a nice judge.

[Paige]

Right?

[Hannah]

We were raised on Simon Cowell. We were raised on, like, he's going to read you to filth. And we all have to sit back and be like, okay, that's part of the competition.

[Paige]

So, like Japan, Cowell would get canceled now.

[Hannah]

Well, now he has to be nice and it's really funny.

[Paige]

That's crazy.

[Hannah]

You see the words in his head. Be like, don't say that. Don't say that. Don't say that. I would be the worst judge. I did judge. Is it cake? Oh, yeah. And it was heartbreaking. These people Cooked for eight hours for my dumb ass to be like, that's cake.

[Paige]

Wait, I'm obsessed with project. Like, the reboot of Project Runway. Like. Cause the new season, Law Roach is, like, one of the judges.

[Hannah]

Oh, he's amazing.

[Paige]

Wait, I didn't watch the most recent episode. I just saw a clip of it. I can't wait to watch it. But Tyra Banks is on it, and he, like, quoted like, we were rooting for you. Tyra, like, looked at him, like, not amused by it. And, like, you could tell the energy almost like. And, like, as someone who's been on reality tv, like, sometimes people will say things to you and you'll be like, okay. But Also, I was 25 and, like, I had a camera in my face, you know? But that's such an iconic. Like, she wasn't whatever, but you could just tell she was not. Like, but she laughed a little, but I could tell how she felt.

[Hannah]

Well, also, fashion people, they take themselves seriously. But Law Roach, I love how free he is out there. Like, he's not. He's saying everything.

[Paige]

He's making the whole show. He is the star. You're only interested in what his opinion is. Honestly, sometimes, like, I'll test myself. Like, I'll say something and I'll be like, okay, if Lawbroach agrees with me, like, this is my shining moment. This is me in my bed by myself.

[Hannah]

Can I manifest it? I think a judge on Patrick, I would love that.

[Paige]

And then he. Then we have, like, a difference of opinion, and I'm like, and this is why I'll never make it in this town.

[Hannah]

Or it's good that you have a different opinion than him. My thing is if this is me as a judge. Did you try? You're perfect.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

You're literally. Do you have a family at home? They love you. I love you. You're perfect. You're. For my job to tell someone to, like, ruin their dreams. You know, they woke up that morning being like, I hope I do well. And I'm the one that tells them they didn't do well.

[Paige]

I think I'd be like, it's just not for me personally. I'm so obsessed with it. For you.

[Hannah]

I'm so much of a people pleaser. It could be, like, the ugliest thing, and I'll be like, your vision is like, next level. They have people. But this is the thing. I'm excited for Carrie Ann. I want to see her read people to filth.

[Paige]

Is Dancing with the Stars the way, like, American Idol used to. Oh, it's once a week. I thought it. For some reason. I thought it was like, twice.

[Hannah]

It seems like years.

[Paige]

So they perform once a week, and then they. It takes them a whole week. They get to practice a whole week for a new routine.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Paige]

That is a quick turnaround.

[Hannah]

It is. But I think they have, like, a couple weeks training beforehand to, like, get ahead on some of the technique.

[Paige]

Yeah, you would have to, because everyone's.

[Hannah]

Obsessed with Robert Irwin, the Australian, and.

[Paige]

All the Mormon Whitney. What's going on in Salt Lake City that all the ballroom dancers come from there? So, like, in Utah, So because they're.

[Hannah]

So religious and they don't drink, all they do is dance. Dance. And they're sober, so they were like. We just would, like, shake our asses drunk. They're sober. Remembering choreography.

[Paige]

Interesting.

[Hannah]

I heard that, like, Mormons are amazing at musical theater. Like, they love musical theater because they don't have TVs. So the kids.

[Paige]

That's Amish.

[Hannah]

Like, those of Mormons, they, like, they put their hair in braids and then they sing choir songs. So they're singing choir songs all the time.

[Paige]

Got it. So they're just like, natural born.

[Hannah]

We were listening to Nelly. They were like.

[Paige]

Okay. Because I was just like, what is this weird pipeline of, like, Utah and ballroom dancing?

[Hannah]

I'm.

[Paige]

Have you ever come across a TikTok video of, like, I was just gonna say, like, mini people. Children. They literally look like mini adults. Mini dolls. Children ballroom dancing.

[Hannah]

No, but that's adorable.

[Paige]

It looks AI. Because they look like little men and women, but they're not.

[Hannah]

I feel like that's abusive. Like, don't make children ballroom dance.

[Paige]

Also, I got really obsessed with ballroom dancers taking their hair out. Have you ever seen a ballroom dancer wash her hair after a night of ballroom dancing?

[Hannah]

No. Do they have a wig or something?

[Paige]

No, I'm not kidding. They shellack their. It's hard. They can tap it and knock on it and then them taking it down.

[Hannah]

All I remember from my friends who were dancers was that they had to gel their hair and they'd have tons of sparkles and stuff. And they love their leos and leotards and stuff, and all of it was really scary to me.

[Paige]

Irish step dancing ever come across your desk?

[Hannah]

As a child, I had a friend who was the Irish step dancer of Parksville, Brooklyn, and, like, she would pull it out at parties. You know, Des could do it.

[Paige]

Like river dancing. Like, every time the commercial would come on tv. Like, river dancing.

[Hannah]

Wait, so apparently it isn't true, but I Was told that, like, women or the Irish weren't allowed to dance in certain, like, British bars or something, so that's how they would dance. So that the bartenders couldn't stand see that they were dancing. But obviously I thought that was.

[Paige]

That seems like a myth. A limerick, if you will. That seems, like, not true.

[Hannah]

Did you just say limerick? You're so cute. So, yeah, it's basically dancing where you don't use your upper body.

[Paige]

No. I was obsessed with it when I.

[Hannah]

Was younger, and they would keep their face like they weren't dancing.

[Paige]

And I don't understand what the correlation was to their really curly wigs, but I was here for it.

[Hannah]

Maybe that was their hair. It was.

[Paige]

No, no. They would put these, like, massive, like, hair pieces that were, like, massive. And it was honestly, like, RuPaul's drag weeks before that was the thing. You know what?

[Hannah]

This is the next Hannah Paige. Try new things. River dance. That's what you get for putting ideas in my head.

[Paige]

Honestly, I have always wanted to have, like, super curly hair. So, like, I'll do it if I can do the hair.

[Hannah]

Look, I feel like the footwork. It's a good workout. Probably.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

But it is funny when girls will just break it out, like at the bar when they're 27. Yeah.

[Paige]

I just always thought it was, like, so interesting.

[Hannah]

How close can you. I don't want to expose you, but how close can you get to getting into a split?

[Paige]

Not close.

[Hannah]

Okay. I've never, Like, I'm not. People even know I'm trying to do a split.

[Paige]

I know that I can get closer than you, but not close.

[Hannah]

If we could do splits, I'd be in a split right now.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

Like, I would mid conversation. I'd be like, you want to see something?

[Paige]

I'd have a different job. Probably. Probably. That's not what. I'd be the cardi b of podcasting. Okay.

[Hannah]

No, Like, I can't even do the worm that well, and look how much I do it. Imagine if I was good at the split anyway.

[Paige]

Like, when people bust out a split.

[Hannah]

At, like, a wedding, it blows my mind.

[Paige]

Here's the thing, though. If someone does a split at my wedding. No, I'm.

[Hannah]

Wait, that's worse than them wearing white. That's worse than them wearing white. Not if you do a split at someone else's wedding. You want her husband.

[Paige]

Yeah. I would just be like, stop. Unless it actually. Oh, my God, I was just about to be so misogynistic.

[Hannah]

You said unless it was a gay man.

[Paige]

No, I was going to say if a guy does a split at my wedding, like, okay, but if a girl does a split at my wedding, I'm like, well, the guy, it's not about you. But I just realized like, that was misogynistic and I caught myself.

[Hannah]

Yeah. And that was a learning moment.

[Paige]

No one can split. No.

[Hannah]

I want to do splits.

[Paige]

Equal rights on this, this podcast and it's none.

[Hannah]

But also I feel like people who do squid, they like, have been able to do it since childhood. Like, it's like you're born with it. Like maybe you're born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline.

[Paige]

Yeah. It also seems genetic.

[Hannah]

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[Hannah]

Buying a car in Carvana was so easy, I was able to finance it through them. I just. Whoa, wait.

[Paige]

You mean finance?

[Hannah]

Yeah, Finance got pre qualified for a Carvana Auto loan entered my terms and shopping from thousands of great car options, all within my budget.

[Paige]

That's cool. But financing through Carvana was so easy.

[Hannah]

Financed. Done. And I get to pick up my car from their Carvana vending machine tomorrow.

[Paige]

Financed.

[Hannah]

Right. That's what I said.

[Paige]

You can spend time trying to pronounce financing, or you can actually finance and buy your car. Today on Carvana financing, subject to credit approval.

[Hannah]

Additional terms and conditions may apply.

[Paige]

Something funny? I'm going to Harvard this week. I'm going to.

[Hannah]

Like, it's hard.

[Paige]

Harvard Law? No, just. Just regular Harvard.

[Hannah]

Okay.

[Paige]

And speaking to their. One of their business classes. And I literally. I literally got the email and I was like, why do you guys want me? And then I thought, let me throw the craziest fit.

[Hannah]

Wait, I'm obsessed with this for you because first you wrote a book, which, like, no one thought.

[Paige]

No one saw that.

[Hannah]

No one saw that coming. Now you're just rubbing it in people's faces.

[Paige]

Now it's just like, getting under people's skin.

[Hannah]

Yeah. Now this is just petty.

[Paige]

Now I'm like, sorry, let me speak.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

To a business class.

[Hannah]

Wait, you're going to get an honorary degree?

[Paige]

Well, hopefully, because currently I don't have one.

[Hannah]

No, you do have a degree.

[Paige]

Am I going to go into Harvard and be like. Like, I don't. I didn't go anywhere.

[Hannah]

You went to college.

[Paige]

I know, but now it's not a thing. And I feel like I need to be upfront and authentic with them and tell them. You're like, look, I don't belong to any college anywhere as of recent, but.

[Hannah]

You'Re an inspiration to people who can't read.

[Paige]

Thank you.

[Hannah]

I've gotten a couple messages of people have been like, hey, I know you like making fun of Paige for not being able to read or write or spell, but it actually comes off mean. And I go, she told me she can't read. I'm literally just repeating what she said to me.

[Paige]

Never in our almost 10 year of friendship have you ever said anything to me where I've been, like, harsh, like, ever. Like, me hurt my feelings because it's most of the time accurate. And it's like, sorry, telling the truth is not a crime.

[Hannah]

Also, this means I came up with something to try to make you giggle.

[Paige]

And also, it's funny.

[Hannah]

And also, you're a New York Times bestseller. Wait, so what do you. Is it fashion?

[Paige]

No, I. I don't quite know. You're like, yeah, just like, come, you're gonna speak. I think that's just like a Q and A.

[Hannah]

Yes. Oh, I love a Q and A. Because one thing about us, we did a Q and A last week. We love to talk about ourselves.

[Paige]

There's no topic I'm more informed on than myself. We know my dreams.

[Hannah]

We know. Every now and then there'll be like a random Q and A person. What do they call them? The one who asked the question. Yes. And they are nervous because they don't ever, like, talk.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

And I always have to look at them and I go, watch us go. Yeah. Like you actually. You don't even have to ask a question. We'll just start talking.

[Paige]

If someone comes up to us and we're in a certain setting and they say, hey, we need to find fill blank number of minutes, me and Hannah go beyond easy.

[Hannah]

We actually been saving in. We have it in our back pocket. We've been saving some material for this.

[Paige]

20 minutes right now. Start the timer. Do you remember when we did, like the CBS Morning show and they, like, were just. We were just going rogue.

[Hannah]

Oh, yeah. And then they were like, I guess you guys can stay for another segment because we didn't hit one question about what you're promoting.

[Paige]

Yeah, we can do that. We can do the show right now. Yeah. What are the segments? Yeah, let's just fuck it. We'll do it live. Just go turn it on.

[Hannah]

I do think, though, it's because we're together. I feel like if I was alone, I'd be like, let's have some self control.

[Paige]

There are times where we're like in an interview and they'll ask the question.

[Hannah]

We enable each other.

[Paige]

And in my head I'm like, if I go first, I'll quite literally die. And that's when my head whips over to you. And I'm like, hannah, why don't you take this one?

[Hannah]

Actually, we love getting interviewed together.

[Paige]

Yeah. Because it's easy to balance.

[Hannah]

Speaking of, by the time this comes out, our hot ones verses is going to drop. Do you have anything to say?

[Paige]

I mean, I have a lot to.

[Hannah]

Say and we don't want to give anything away, but did you have fun?

[Paige]

I had a good time. Do you want to know when I didn't have a good time? Later that evening, I did not have a fun time. I thought I had to go to the hospital.

[Hannah]

Okay, you did it before, but like, with a lot of people.

[Paige]

I did it before, but it wasn't. I didn't have to eat every single one.

[Hannah]

And we ate.

[Paige]

How many were there? Five, six, A Lot.

[Hannah]

Cause I did it once before where it was just me, so I had to go in. And they were like, don't schedule anything after this. Cause you're not gonna feel okay.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

And I was so nervous and scared. But you came in very nonchalant.

[Paige]

I was like, this is fine.

[Hannah]

You're like, I had sushi with wasabi yesterday.

[Paige]

I can eat this. I'll be okay. And I was like, okay, doing it. But then it wasn't until like, two hours later that I think my stomach had digested.

[Hannah]

And it was like, why don't you.

[Paige]

Hold the fucking phone? This is the worst thing ever. And I actually thought at one point I was gonna have to go to the emergency room because my asshole was on fire. I had to get baby powder. Like, I'm not kidding. It was. I was like, this has never happened before in the history of any human. I literally forgot I had done hot ones earlier. That's how bad it was. I was like, no, my ins. I'm dying. Like, my organs are shutting down. They're trying to come out of my body. Cause they're done. They're absolutely done with me. I called my mom.

[Hannah]

I was like, see, for me, that's a Tuesday.

[Paige]

Anyone with irritable bowel, I feel for them.

[Hannah]

I feel like as long as you do it quickly, it's like puke and rally. I do diarrhea and rally.

[Paige]

Not to mention the moment it started hitting me, I was in an Uber and my seatbelt was on, and I was like, something's not. Something's not right. Why is the seatbelt so tight? Take the seatbelt off. And I was like, my pants are so tight. And then I, like, pull my pants.

[Hannah]

And I'm like, you gotta drive faster.

[Paige]

I'm gonna die.

[Hannah]

You're so good at puking an Ubers, but you haven't done.

[Paige]

No, I haven't shit in an Uber yet. I'm working my way up to it. Maybe when I hit 35.

[Hannah]

Which reminds me, my favorite thing about Tor is the Uber drivers in different states, they really. They come with a story. They. Sometimes they come with pets.

[Paige]

Yeah, they come with a lot of women.

[Hannah]

A lot of women, which I love. And then some people where I'm like, how did. Some of them have crazy stories? But just in New York, like, no one talks to you, which is nice. Where when I get dropped off in Richmond, I have a new best friend. Immediately they're like, you're in my car. Let's talk. And I'm practicing lying and saying, I Do marketing, But I'm so bad at it. I keep getting myself in kerfuffles.

[Paige]

Whenever someone asks me what I do. That's not like a dad. I'll be somewhere and I'll be like a dad. Why? My first reaction is to laugh. I just start laughing. I go, just like, different stuff. I can never. I don't know if it's like my own internal. Like, I'm embarrassed or like, do you.

[Hannah]

Know what you say now I'm a professor at Harvard. Google it.

[Paige]

I'm like, actually, I perform at Harvard. I perform for their business classes.

[Hannah]

And I have an Uber, and they have to, like, get me to the stage door sometimes, but they don't know. And they're like, can I just drop you off at this theater? And I'm like, no, you gotta go to the back. And then it's a whole thing. But I've. I've made some really good friends along the way, and occasionally, if we get really close, I'm like, do you want to come to the show tonight?

[Paige]

That's so nice of you, but I.

[Hannah]

Have a couple tickets sometimes extra.

[Paige]

See, you want to know here while why we're a little bit different?

[Hannah]

You go, I would. Over my dead body.

[Paige]

Over my dead body. I'm way more scared of, like, being killed than you are.

[Hannah]

See, I like attention. Like, I don't care what form.

[Paige]

Walking down the street. I'm way more alert and anxious than I think you. Then I think maybe because you know, that you could fight back is what it is.

[Hannah]

I want someone to come for me. I remember once I was walking with my friend, and there are these, like, two frat guys behind us, and it was dark, like in the East Village, and they were talking loud, like, clearly trying to, like, freak us out. And they were drunk. And my friend was scared. And I looked at her, I said, I've been fucking waiting for this moment. I hope they come for us, because I have so much rage that I want to deal with this and I will save your life. And then they didn't because they could sense that I was ready to go.

[Paige]

Yeah, I think they can sense it.

[Hannah]

And we have to normalize female rage. Also, what I learned growing around, walking around New York, first of all, we're scared. I never, you know when you would, like, escape at night? I never escaped from my house at night in New York.

[Paige]

Oh, like sneaking out.

[Hannah]

Sneak out?

[Paige]

Yeah, escape at night. I'm like, what? When was I escaping at night? The suburbs are not jail, okay? We would sneak out.

[Hannah]

We weren't escaping like we're not sneaking out like I'm gonna die. You just know your boundaries. But when you take this up for every day of school. No 100%.

[Paige]

A Taco Bell parking lot is not where a young 16 year old girl should ever be at 3am Sonic.

[Hannah]

That's where everyone who's hanging out on the burbs, apparently. But my advice to everyone is when you're walking and there's like scary people around you or you sense like a man staring at you, you keep your head high.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

And you look slightly angry. Okay, that's what. I don't make eye contact. I keep my head high. And you just look like something smells slightly bad. And they'll make comments. They'll be like, oh, what are you upset about? I'm like you.

[Paige]

That is such good advice.

[Hannah]

Don't put your head down and look shy and scared. Head up, chin up. And you're focused. Also, I'm crazier than you, bitch. Yeah. As my wise friend Ali Colbert once said, if it gets really bad, just shit yourself. And they'll be like, no, thank you.

[Paige]

I actually think if something really did get really bad, I would pee pee poo golf.

[Hannah]

You're crazier than them.

[Paige]

Interesting that you say head up because I feel like I'm always like looking down. No. Like my gaze is always at time the same sidewalk.

[Hannah]

No, head up.

[Paige]

And I'm not making eye contact. But I'm swift.

[Hannah]

Yeah, you're swift. You're good. I just always.

[Paige]

She's getting in and out.

[Hannah]

You want to have a confidence to you. And you also want to look. Not like you're trying to intimidate them. More like you just had a lot. Like you've had a day and you don't need anything else.

[Paige]

Well, remember it was on TikTok. It wasn't. It didn't originate on TikTok. Someone did like a study and they asked like criminals, what are things you avoid? And it was people that look like they're. They have a purpose. Like they know where they're going. They look organized, they're put together. Like they're more alert than like, it's like someone like on the phone or.

[Hannah]

Sharks like smelling fear kind of thing. But I do have to say on the road, my favorite thing is I find like a random luncheonette or a diner. And if the waitress knows who I am. Luncheonette, sorry.

[Paige]

She is that girl. Okay.

[Hannah]

What do you think diners feel about luncheonettes? They're like, okay, why did she get the cool name.

[Paige]

Luncheonettes are like, oh, cute. You're a diner. We do lunch and ettes, like, what is a luncheonette?

[Hannah]

A luncheonette is a gay diner.

[Paige]

I'm just like, I'm obsessed with luncheonettes.

[Hannah]

A luncheonette is a diner that thinks it's better than you.

[Paige]

I'm naming my daughter Luncheonette. Are you kidding?

[Hannah]

The next cat needs to be Luncheonette.

[Paige]

Lucy. Luncheonette Burner.

[Hannah]

Luncheonette wears those Amazon socks that have curls on them.

[Paige]

Nate, that's an amazing cat name.

[Hannah]

Luncheonette.

[Paige]

Stop it. So cute.

[Hannah]

Luncheonette. Okay, Sonny. When I'm at my luncheonette, if the waitress knows who I am, which you'd be surprised. Not that often. No. But when she does, and she's like, oh, my God, what are you here for? And I go, I have a show tonight. And you know, they have like, a long. They've been working, they've been up. These girls, when I'm at brunch, they've been up since 6am and if they're free that night, then I'll be like, I'll drop your name.

[Paige]

So that's like, very nice.

[Hannah]

That's fun for me.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

Cause it's like. But then sometimes I'm like, did they even want to go? Did I just force them to go to my show? And then you leave.

[Paige]

They're like, no, thank you.

[Hannah]

I'm like, come to my show.

[Paige]

Haha.

[Hannah]

So anyway, that's what I've been up to. Moral of the story is I'm listening to Nashville. Like, I downloaded the songs.

[Paige]

Oh, sorry. Wait, you forget that you forgot that in the beginning of the pod, when you confessed your love for the show, you forgot that you also downloaded. What, did you put them on a cd? I mean, what, there's an album, so.

[Hannah]

I. I have to listen to music on the flight so I'm not stuck with, like, my own thoughts, and I.

[Paige]

You're still, like, so against entertainment on the flight.

[Hannah]

Well, I'm taking some small flights that don't have entertainment.

[Paige]

I just can't believe you don't have an iPad. Like, how you run your life on an iPad.

[Hannah]

Yeah, Paige, what am I supposed to watch if they don't have a TV on the plane?

[Paige]

You bring your freaking iPad. You download all the seasons, you get your normal headphones.

[Hannah]

I still try to remember the 90s, okay? When you just. All you had was your little CD player and all the CDs I downloaded wrong song and love like mine from season one. Highly recommend.

[Paige]

Did you ever have moments in school where you were like, yeah, I'm never gonna need this. So, like, I literally don't care.

[Hannah]

DEZ has like a whole bit about how calculators were so insane and now we have like calculators everywhere.

[Paige]

I just feel like I had like a foresight as a child. Like, cool. I know I have to learn this, but I'm literally never gonna need this. So I don't, like, deep down, don't care. And like, in my life, I. I truly, I never needed any of that stuff. I feel like that's you with technology. You're like, nope, don't care. Never gonna need it.

[Hannah]

It's none of my business.

[Paige]

That's for you guys, not for me. Staying in my lane.

[Hannah]

None of my business.

[Paige]

Wired headphones, please.

[Hannah]

No. I flew American Airlines and I was like, where's the Delta headphones? And they were like, bitch, you're in the wrong place. I go, if I don't get my Delta headphones right now.

[Paige]

American Airlines, I'm pretty sure on the backs of their seats. Have a little holder for your iPad. Or is that United one of them? I don't know whether it's like, you could put your iPad in.

[Hannah]

Am I gonna be one of those moms who like, doesn't let their kid look at a screen until they're like 17?

[Paige]

I don't know. Because the type of mom you're going to be. Honestly, I can't even make wagers yet because it's too soon. But like, it could go in so many different directions. And I. I can't wait to see. Cause there is a world where I have a conspiracy that you become my mom. The crunchiest granola organic. Sorry, my kids don't have sugar even though it's Halloween, Mom. Or there's a world where you're like, they're self sufficient, like the 80s. They're putting themselves in the bath on their own. They're only 2 years old, and then they have practice at 7am and they have to wake themselves up. Like, there is a world where you're that.

[Hannah]

And you know what? I dabble every day in my head between that.

[Paige]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

I have to say, one of Dez's jokes that's really funny that I think you'd agree with.

[Paige]

Okay.

[Hannah]

He jokes about how. Sorry, I haven't seen him in a week, so I kind of miss him. This is so fucking gross.

[Paige]

Where is he?

[Hannah]

He's coming tonight from Vegas.

[Paige]

Are you gonna shave?

[Hannah]

This is such a good point. We have to Wrap this pot up. I literally need to wrap it up.

[Paige]

Who knows when the last time you did? And, like. But I know that. I know that there's no way you preemptively shaved for your husband to come home. No, no.

[Hannah]

His joke is what in the American system made us go up, like, in times tables at 12, they were like, and we're good here. Like, what about 13? What about 14? Why did we stop at 12? I mean, I guess it's because, like, inches. But, like, we're the only. We're the only country that uses inches. Everyone else uses centimeters. I just feel like this is why we're behind.

[Paige]

Sorry. My brain is. I'm gonna just say it here and now.

[Hannah]

Okay.

[Paige]

Don't talk to me about. About feet, inches, millimeters, kilograms, quarts, teaspoons. Isn't that a kind of crystal anything? Don't talk to me in that rhetoric or tone.

[Hannah]

Well, also, as an Italian grandma, they just go put a little bit in.

[Paige]

Like, I put a pinch of olive oil. I'll see the amount of times my mom said. And I eyeball it, eyeball it, eyeball it.

[Hannah]

Figure it out.

[Paige]

That's all you need.

[Hannah]

Also. Yeah, no. No one's measuring things. What was that something you measured?

[Paige]

It's not for me.

[Hannah]

I just like, oh, so you can get prepackaged things?

[Paige]

Or like. Or, like, yeah, or people are like, how many ounces are in a. Blah, blah, blah. How about you shut the up?

[Hannah]

Also, the fact that we have to drink, like, ounces of something is crazy. Like, no one's actually. You remember they tried to put it on the drinks to be like, how many ounces have you drank? That's. It's controlling.

[Paige]

No, I just like that it makes me. It's me.

[Hannah]

Very stressful to me.

[Paige]

It's rude.

[Hannah]

The only thing I like to drink a lot is my Dunkin Refresher.

[Paige]

I actually don't give this one enough credit.

[Hannah]

The mango pineapple. Well, that's mine. That I like to have with not too much concentrate in green tea when I'm on tour and I'm, like, really sleepy at, like, 5pm I love a Dunkin refresher. It just makes me feel awake and hydrated because I can't be drinking coffee at that time. I'll never go to sleep.

[Paige]

Put me on to the mango.

[Hannah]

Mango pineapple is really good. I'm gonna say something controversial about New Yorkers. I think we all are eating the same four meals, even though there's billions of restaurants around. And that's why when your friend goes, hey, I'm visiting New York. What restaurants should I go to? And I'm like, I ordered from Chipotle yesterday.

[Paige]

I'm like, unless.

[Hannah]

And do you know why?

[Paige]

You go to Popo and just get chicken and rice, I can't help you. I'm like, I have no idea. But look, we're relatable and authentic and authenticity is key, is the key to the world. Thank you guys so much and thanks to Duncan for making this episode possible.

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