How Much Are Couples Actually Fighting (and Why)?

Summary

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Girls Gotta Eat – How Much Are Couples Actually Fighting (and Why)?

Podcast: Girls Gotta Eat
Hosts: Ashley Hesseltine (“A”) & Rayna Greenberg (“B”)
Air Date: January 26, 2026
Episode Focus: Exploring how frequently couples fight, why they do (or don’t), and what “normal” conflict looks like in modern relationships – with lots of polling data, personal stories, and practical advice.

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Episode Overview

Ashley and Rayna take on the perennial question of fighting in relationships: How much is normal? Why do some couples claim they never fight? They break down recent celebrity statements (George Clooney and Travis Kelce), share polling data from 10,000 listeners, and dig into their own relationship histories—spanning every flavor of conflict, from passive-aggressive dishwashing wars to dramatic, knock-down disagreements.

The conversation is equal parts uproarious and insightful, with takeaways for anyone navigating love, conflict, and communication.

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Main Discussion Sections

1. The “Never Fight” Couple: Clooney, Kelce & The Myth (12:19)

• The episode is prompted by George Clooney’s recent claim that he and Amal “never argue,” and Travis Kelce saying the same of his relationship with Taylor Swift.
• Ashley reads out Clooney’s rationale:

  “Neither of us are going to win the argument, so why get in it? Dude, I’m 64. What am I gonna argue about at this point? I’ve met this incredible woman… I can’t believe how lucky I am. So what am I gonna fight about?” (12:52)

• Both hosts question whether a couple can truly have “never had an argument.” They suggest definition matters:

  “To say you’ve never had an argument or a disagreement… Do you just agree on most things and that’s great? … Is there resentment? Is there stuff that bothers you about them you’re just not saying?” – Ashley (15:10)

• Rayna is especially skeptical:

  “I never fought either. And when we broke up he told me, ‘I let you win every argument.’…it scares me when people say we never fight at all, because it’s triggering for me.” – Rayna (18:04)

2. What Do (Real) Couples Actually Fight About?

• Top listener-reported conflict topics:
  • Communication (“by far number one”)
  • Chores/cleanliness/division of labor
  • Kids, money, in-laws (16:20)
• The hosts point out that celebrity couples, with wealth and staff, may avoid typical sources of domestic conflict.

3. Personal Histories: Toxic to Healthy (17:15 & 32:08)

• Both hosts contrast chaotic, volatile younger relationships with their current, mostly peaceful ones.
• Ashley acknowledges:

  “I don’t want to sit here on a high horse…As someone who was in an extremely volatile, combative relationship…and someone who—we really do not fight. I can, on one hand, name something I’d even dare call a fight.” (16:38)

• Rayna describes the dangers of “never” fighting, when it’s due to avoidance:

  “When he left me, the first thing he said was, ‘I let you win every argument.’ I thought, ‘Look at me, I’m always right, we never fight!’” (17:29)

• Talk about signs that relationships are in trouble: loss of intimacy, friends/family can tell something’s wrong, and one person silently building up resentment (19:46).

4. How Do People Resolve Fights? (49:30, 54:10)

• Rayna admits to once being a “stonewaller” (avoiding or shutting down) but tries now to communicate better.
• Ashley underscores taking a pause and using self-talk:

  “Take some time and space away from it. Ask yourself if this is a pattern or a deeper issue…de-escalate before you pop off.” (36:09)

• Maturity is learning to avoid text-fighting, and recognizing triggers.

  “If something happens and I get that feeling of, ‘oh, that bothered me,’ I sit with it for a minute… My biggest tip—and I see the growth—is take a pause, take a beat.” – Ashley (36:09)

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Listener Poll Results & Insights (40:08+)

Frequency of Fights

• Rarely (less than once a month): 52%
• Once or twice a month: 37%
• Once or twice a week: 10%
• Constantly: 2%
  Ashley highlights: “Half of people are not having conflict monthly, but it’s ok if you are.” (40:30)

Nature of Conflicts

• Small disagreement: 70%
• Full-blown argument: 12%
• Passive-aggressive vibes: 18%
• World War Three: 1%
  • Valuable to see only 1% report truly explosive fights, but hundreds still experience them.

Escalation of Disagreements

• Stay calm: 47%
• Sometimes escalate: 48%
• Almost always escalate: 1%
• Every single time: 1%

Duration of Anger/Post-Fight Mood

• Minutes: 40%
• A few hours: 44%
• 1-2 days: 11%
• Until further notice: 5% Rayna points to value in a cooling-off period but warns against weeks of unresolved tension.

Who Starts (& Resolves) the Fights?

• Who starts:
  • Me (listener): 33%
  • My partner: 6%
  • We alternate: 23%
  • Hard to say/just happens: 37%
• Who initiates resolution:
  • Me: 50%
  • My partner: 19%
  • Whoever snaps first: 27%
  • Avoid it forever: 4%

Going to Bed Angry?

• Never: 38%
• Sometimes: 60%
• Often: 2% Debunking “never go to bed angry”—sometimes, you need a cooling-off period.

What Do Couples Fight About Most?

• Chores/division of labor
• Kids, money, sex, in-laws
• But “communication” is #1 by far.
  • “Feeling unheard, invalidated, stonewalling, defensiveness, sarcasm”—all destabilize feelings of safety (61:00).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Everybody fights, except for not you guys and not in my last relationship…but we do have conflict!” – Rayna (32:05)
• “Do you feel like your partner’s out to get you? …I think the best [of my husband]. We love and respect each other so much…We would never think the worst.” – Ashley (34:01)
• “Hold my beer, I’m about to do something really toxic.” – Rayna (on her 20s) (73:36)
• “You just don’t want to see how the sausage is made.” – Ashley (on group chats showing who’s typing) (11:33)

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Fight Triggers: “That wasn’t about the dishes”

• Most “fights,” the hosts observe, are about seemingly small things that mask deeper issues: division of labor, respect, or communication habits.
• Example from Rayna:

  “The worst, most nuclear fight I’ve ever had was over a joke about men being stupid. He took it so personal–the issue wasn’t the joke, it was something deeper.” (45:15)

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Tips for Managing Conflict (65:16+)

1. Lead with curiosity: “Help me to hear you better, help me to understand. Tell me what you need from me.” – Rayna (65:56)
2. Take a pause before reacting: “Take some time and space away from it…de-escalate before you pop off.” – Ashley (36:09)
3. Don’t fight by text: “If you feel something is starting to get inflamed—let’s do this when we get home or at least on the phone.” – Ashley (37:59)
4. Pick your battles: Don’t nitpick every annoyance, especially after moving in.
5. Use “I” statements: Focus on how you feel instead of blaming (“this made me feel ___”).
6. Trust your partner’s intentions: If you can’t, you may be in the wrong relationship.
7. Aim for repair, not perfection. (Though the hosts gently poke fun at how Instagrammy this advice is.) (75:38)
8. Don’t say things you can’t take back.
9. Know your styles: Some need time and solitude to process; some need fast resolution—figure it out together.
10. If things never get resolved, or one person always “wins,” be alert for underlying issues.

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The Fun Bit: Dumbest Fights Poll (78:00)

• “He stole my teriyaki sauce—even after I asked if he wanted his own.” (78:36)
• “Leaving me in Trader Joe’s and checking out separately.” (80:13)
• “He put an open package of chicken in the freezer, no Saran Wrap, no baggie.” (80:30)
• “I asked if I was the most beautiful woman in the world and he said ‘no’.” (80:38)
• “He doesn’t know what penne pasta is.” (82:21)
• Dishwasher loading, folding towels “incorrectly,” paper towels, meme-sharing timing, someone snoring too loudly post-fight–all classics.
• “He said, ‘bring your big ass back here.’” – (risky compliment gone wrong) (83:44)

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Final Takeaways

• Most couples fight occasionally—rarely or once-twice a month is the norm.
• Most conflicts are small, not explosive.
• Feeling heard and validated is more important than being “right.”
• If you’re constantly fighting or suppressed, it may be a mismatch—“Your partner should enhance your life, not make it worse.” (32:08)
• Conflict style—and willingness to resolve—matters as much as frequency.
• And yes, even rich celebrities probably fight…they just don’t have to argue about chores.

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Additional Episodes Mentioned (31:00)

• How to Manage & Make Sense of Fighting (with Dr. Orna Goralnick)
• Fight Smarter, Not Harder (solo by Rayna)
• How to Complain to Your Partner and Friends the Right Way (with Guy Winch)

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Useful Timestamps

• 12:19: Clooney/Kelce “never fight” discussion
• 16:38: Personal definitions and experiences with fighting
• 40:08: Poll results: how often do couples fight?
• 44:59: What small fights are really about
• 49:30, 54:10: Resolution strategies & who “starts”/“ends” the fights
• 65:16-76:10: Tools/tips for healthy conflict management
• 78:00: Dumbest listener fights
• 87:44: Wrap-up: final thoughts and takeaways

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Tone & Highlights

Throughout, the episode maintains the Girls Gotta Eat signature: sharp, self-aware, irreverent, but genuinely caring about helping their listeners get real about what a healthy relationship looks like—not the Instagram version.

“Everybody fights…except for rich A-listers, apparently.” – Ashley (87:44)

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For more, check out their referenced past episodes or vibesonly.com for their sexual wellness brand, and follow along at @girlsgottaeatpodcast.

Transcript

[A]

Couples who say they never fight or they've never had an argument. I have so many more questions. This podcast is a Dear Media production.

[B]

Hi, guys.

[A]

Hi, guys.

[B]

Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat.

[A]

Welcome back. What's up? Sorry, we just did another recording, and I feel a little spent. No, we'll be fine. We'll make it through. We'll power through.

[B]

I know we did 40 minutes and I was like, are we done?

[A]

End of the month?

[B]

End of the month. Almost your special.

[A]

We survived it.

[B]

Don't you feel like January last year? Like, would. There was no end to January. Every day was January 1st. I could.

[A]

It never ended fires, but it was like, hell.

[B]

This January is, like, normal January. Not because. Just the fires. Don't you think January is usually really long?

[A]

It is 31 days. It does make a difference. February is shorter.

[B]

I never know how many days are in a month. I don't even know February.

[A]

You don't know Reina.

[B]

What, 28?

[A]

Yeah, but you don't know the others.

[B]

I know the summer 31 and summer 30, and I know you couldn't know them.

[A]

You would guess them.

[B]

No, I could not guess Reina.

[A]

You should know this.

[B]

No, you don't. You don't do the rhyme every single time.

[A]

No, I just know. I just know which months have a 31.

[B]

Okay, tell me.

[A]

Oh, my God. All right. January has 31. February's 28 or 29.

[B]

I thought it was 27 or 28.

[A]

27. 27 would be unhinged.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

March 31st.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

April 30th. May 31st. June definitely 30. July definitely 31. August definitely 31. September 30th. October 31st. November 30th.

[B]

Unclear.

[A]

December 31st.

[B]

All I know in the rhyme.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

30 days past. That's April, June, and November.

[A]

I'm going on, Like, I can just visualize which. Like, there's no November 31st.

[B]

I guess that sounds weird, but you could tell me that there was, and I'd be like, sure. That sounds right.

[A]

Okay. Are you guys more Raina's friend or more Ashley's friend?

[B]

Here's a couple things that I can't do without a rhyme or, like, just somebody explain something.

[A]

Tie your shoes.

[B]

No, I tie my shoes pretty good. Also, I never untie my shoes. You don't have to tie them if you never untie.

[A]

Just stay ready so you don't have to get ready.

[B]

My shoes are all stretched out and the backs are all stretched out.

[A]

I know, I know. These are, like, obviously my favorite shoes. And I never untie them. I'm just stretching the. Stretching them out. But, you know, if I stretch them out too much, I'll buy new ones. That's what it's like to be an adult.

[B]

I have to relearn that rhyme because I think that the rhyme I know is like 30 days past September, April, June and November. The rest of 31, except for February 28.

[A]

That's what you said. I can't even. I don't even. That sounded crazy. That sounded.

[B]

I think it's wrong.

[A]

Like the spell.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Whatever you just did would not help me.

[B]

Okay. So I know that rhyme. Sort of left or right. I don't have to do the L thing anymore with my fingers. I actually. I think I have a good grasp on left or right.

[A]

You don't know just what hand you're dominant with?

[B]

No, no, no. I mean which direction to turn. Oh, can you tell somebody to make a left or a right? Like, I used to have to, like, make the L with my hand. That's a normal thing. Okay. And then the thing that trips me up the number one the most in the world is when we get to the airport and it says, arrivals and departures.

[A]

You cannot get a handle on this.

[B]

It's just like, I am arriving at the airport, so it's. Can they change the language?

[A]

That is fair. Like, you're arriving.

[B]

I'm arriving.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm not departing at the moment.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so it feels. I do have to say to myself, like, that means flights and not cars.

[A]

Yes. Who is. If you're coming in or if you're leaving, you are also departing. I would do that as a reframe. You are arriving at the airport to depart on a flight.

[B]

Well, then it's still. It's like, which lane. Which lane do I go in?

[A]

I'm trying to think if there's anything I have like this that I just can't seem to get a handle on.

[B]

Food words.

[A]

Yeah, but that's just. I can't pronounce anything. That's just my lack of culture.

[B]

Okay. Let's thank our partners. We can get into it. Thanks to Shopify. Go to Shopify.com GGE and start building your own empire today. And quints get free shipping and 365 day returns on your next order at quince.com GGE and thank you to Just.

[A]

Thrive, get 20% off your first order at justthrivehealth.com with promo code GGE and it's sexy season.

[B]

We're approaching Valentine's Day. It's blowjob season. It's masturbate season. It's staying your partner season.

[A]

January. You can't do that. But now that January is almost over. Get it popping. No one in January.

[B]

That's crazy. I haven't had sex all of January. Is that even possible? No, actually, I start the tour this week and I will probably have sex.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

You get it in in January.

[A]

Seriously, Raina, this. You have one week also. Yes. Raina's towards right at the buzzer.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So we can't wait to see you guys.

[B]

Oh, yeah, big week. Listen, I'm in New York City at the stand January 28th, Wednesday night. I'm gonna run my full hour, so please come. You guys just come. I made it cheap. And then I'll see you in Tampa with Ashley January 29th. And I'll see you in Miami with Ashley May 1st. And it is a 4pm May 1st, February 1st.

[A]

And how many days does May have?

[B]

31.

[A]

My Miami show was May 1st last year.

[B]

Your Phoenix show that like, you know, you had me come host and like I was so nervous and I had like never done a set by myself. Is almost one year to the week of my show. Oh, I love that your sister in.

[A]

Law'S gonna be there. Are you gonna come to that?

[B]

We'll see.

[A]

I don't know. We need to figure out my schedule. I do. I actually need to sit down and really look at my year. Yeah, I don't have a big ass calendar this year and I still haven't taken down my big ass calendar from last year. I just can't, I can't bear to like take it down. Like I look at the year and I sit there and just mourn.

[B]

Mourn the year. Best year ever. Well, you guys can get [e-mail] and those stand tickets at Stand NYC. I don't know. You guys, just Google it.

[A]

Stand NYC, figure it out.

[B]

But yeah, I'm very excited to start the tour on May 1st with actually happening. But it is Valentine's Day coming up. Ashley and I own a sexual wellness brand called Vibes Only. It is the most beautiful premium packaging and the most beautiful sexy orgasm giving toys.

[A]

The best products you could possibly have. We have designed these with your bodies and mind and they, they are second to none in terms of quality and how soft they feel on your body and how ergonomic they feel in your hand and the vibrations and the sensations and all of the things. So they are just top of the line.

[B]

Yes. So this is a great gift to give to anybody or yourself. We have couples toys. We have cock rings. We have air pulse vibrators. Just suck on your clit. It's the most insane, insane feeling. I have tons of them just sitting next to me. We have silicone handclass, which we have re released as of today in two new colors.

[A]

Okay. So Raina didn't really want to do the black. I'll say it. No, I just was like, I want to just try it. Like, we. This is the thing that we've really been able to do a lot of colors in, and it's really fun. So we have this really brand new burgundy hue and then we have the black. I mean, I love them both. So it's really. Just choose your own adventure with those. And they are such a great way to just get into some light bondage role play. They're one size fits most. There's no lock and key. And so they're just really fun to play around with and just grab out of the nightstand when you want to spice things up and pick your color. Yes.

[B]

And then finally, one of our best sellers is our Lucy kit. So we have a Lucy Love kit for Valentine's Day. It is four vibrators in one. So you get a little bullet and you get three different sleeves. If you guys are watching on YouTube, you'll see it, but you can slip different sleeves onto it if you want different sensations. So if you want to experiment with nipple play or different erogen stones on your body, this is a really nice way to just try a bunch of sensations in one box. And this is one of our less expensive toys. So it's a great gift for like a girlfriend. Maybe like a girly for galentines as well.

[A]

Yeah, it is really great. And the Lucy has been one of my longtime faves and the Lucy Love kit is probably my favorite because it does have this one sleeve that you can put on the bullet that is meant to stimulate your nipples. And then the heart shaped one is great. That feels so good on the clit. And then one that looks like a little lipstick that's just perfect to toss in your bag. It's great on the go. Yeah. So you guys check all that [e-mail].

[B]

Yeah. Or if you're watching, I'll just have all these dildos piled up next to me. Yeah.

[A]

Your emotional support vibrators. Okay. Can I tell you something that I just experienced because I just did a software update on my phone, so you might have seen this for a while or I Don't know if this is. This is new to me. Within the last few weeks that you can see when someone is typing in the group chat.

[B]

Oh, I've had that for a little while.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

It's a huge Raina.

[A]

What do you love about it?

[B]

I don't want to see that shit.

[A]

I don't want to. I feel like I will be typing and sometimes I'm typing something snarky to screenshot and send it to you and then I delete it.

[B]

Oh, I don't want to know when.

[A]

People are typing in the group. This is too many people looking at me typing.

[B]

That's where your mind went.

[A]

I don't do that all the time. I'm like kind of making a joke that I'll do that sometimes. I don't want all these people seeing me typing because what if I don't send it? What if I start typing? I don't send it. Like, I feel like I know people are. I'm not that self centered that I think people are sitting around watching me type. But sometimes something about people seeing me type in the group chat hits different than a solo text and invade your privacy. When it first happened, I was like, wait, what? I can see who's. I don't. I feel like I shouldn't be able to see that. Like when I'm on a group chat, there's five, 10 people, whatever it is, even three people. And I'm like, wait, I shouldn't know who's typing next.

[B]

I just, I really enjoy it because I think sometimes, like, you and I have so many comedian friends and like, everyone's just trying to like, get their jokes in and like, I, like yesterday, like, I was on a group chat with you and Brittany and I could see that you were both typing and I was like, I can just, I can take it easy now. They're gonna tell their jokes and I can just. They got their stuff to say. I'm gonna let them cook.

[A]

I just think it's. What if someone's typing in and they never sent it? And then like, so many people watch that happen. It's like, what did they. What were they saying?

[B]

I think that they just changed their mind.

[A]

It happens all the time. Yes. You start typing something, you get distracted or you change your mind or you're like, oh, that wasn't worthy of sending. But I think watching people type in the group chat is an update that I feel a little victimized by. It feels like invasive.

[B]

I don't think I've ever had a Thought or feeling I didn't type and immediately hit send. I don't have that, like, inner voice that's like, maybe sit on this for a second. That's never happened. Unless I'm talking shit.

[A]

Yeah. I can't explain why it's different. I mean, obviously I've never had a problem with this one on one, but something about the group, I'm like, I don't think I'm supposed to be seeing that. And I don't want a bunch of eyes on me.

[B]

I agree, though. It is like, a bit of a jump scare. You are like, that's not business.

[A]

Like, who's typing is none of my business.

[B]

I mean, like, what people write about me on the Internet, it's none of my business. I'm not gonna look.

[A]

And maybe there's, like, part of me that likes the little thrill of who's gonna respond. I don't know. Like when you get going in a group chat and, like, they're just popping up and you didn't know they were coming, maybe that's like a surprise. I like.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I think sometimes you just don't want to see how the sausage is made, you know?

[A]

Yes, like, exactly. Like when you're texting one on one, you're like, only one person could respond. But when you were in the group chat, who's. So it's like a fun little hit. And now I just have to know. I have to know. Oh, you were. And also, like, you were typing way too long.

[B]

That's embarrassing.

[A]

Someone's typing for 10 minutes and they send something they think is funny. You're like, oh, it took you that long? We saw you type in. Yeah, we saw you workshopping in real time. That's embarrassing.

[B]

I thought you ate down with that.

[A]

Workshopping? It's watching you work.

[B]

It is a jump scare.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

They just, like, give you stuff. They take stuff away. I used to have that AI preview for our text messages.

[A]

Oh, mine are back on that.

[B]

Are they back?

[A]

They're back with the software update date.

[B]

I don't have that.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

It never came back.

[A]

Who knows what they're doing ever?

[B]

I never know what anybody's doing.

[A]

Okay, well, let's sort of get into it. Let's talk about a cultural moment that inspired the episode topic today, which was, I guess George Clooney says him and Amal don't fight. And then he was on Travis Kelce and Jason Kelce's podcast New Heights. And Travis Kelce also said that him and Taylor Swift have never had a fight. So I went back and watched the clip of that. They. They cited for George Clooney, and he was with Gayle King, and he said they've never had an argument. Like, and we'll get into kind of like, argument versus disagreement versus fight. How people define them is differently. But to say you've never had an argument and then it says he at least offered a sort of reasonable explanation for his marriage. And I think this was on new heights. But he says, neither of us are going to win the argument, so why get in it? Dude, I'm 64 years old, and what am I gonna argue about at this point? I've met this incredible woman that is beautiful and smart, and she stands for all the most important things that I believe in in the world. And I can't believe how lucky I am. So what am I gonna fight about? And that feels a little reductive. Like, I'm also with someone that's, I think, is the most handsome man in the world. And we have all the same values. And so do a lot of people feel that way about their partner. But that doesn't mean you don't like.

[B]

To me.

[A]

And I get it. It might. That's how he feels. I'm not even criticizing it. But that's not the reason you. You don't ever get in an argument is because she's beautiful and you have the same values.

[B]

Yes. I mean, I've heard people say, what's there to fight about? You know, we've been together for so long. Who cares? I don't know. I think it's. To your point. Everybody defines argument and fighting differently. Do you never bicker? You never disagree? Like, that would be odd to me. But a lot of people think their partner hung the moon. They sell disagreements. And I think a lot of people are like, life's too short to argue. And we have the same values. We like all the same stuff. I don't know. Sometimes I'm just tired at the end of the day and just bicker a little bit.

[A]

Yeah. And so then Travis Kelce said him and Taylor Swift have also never had an argument.

[B]

They're just too rich. What problem could they possibly have?

[A]

So I don't know couples who say they never fight or they've never had an argument. I have so many more questions. Like, first of all, how do you define fight? Because if you were like, we've never yelled and screamed at each other, then same Shashanka and I have never yelled. And I mean, raised Your voice? Yes, but we have not screamed and we have not insulted each other, which I just. The thought of it makes me so sad to think that we would ever say something to intentionally hurt each other. And I've all been in relationships before where you were saying something to hurt one another and you're insulting one another. And we have not done that. And so I guess I can say if you picture a fight and, like, fight and there's screaming and yelling and throwing stuff and slamming doors, we haven't had that. But to say you've never had an argument or a disagreement, why are you just like, I don't know. We agree on most things and that's great. We said this before. It's nice that you're aligned with your partner. We compromise. We're not combative, all of that. But, like, is there resentment? Is there stuff that bothers you about them that you're just not saying? Like, are these two extremely passive people? I have so many questions.

[B]

I mean, I look at, like, what people fight about and we'll talk about in the episode because we polled you guys, we asked so many questions about what do you fight about? Who starts the fight, who ends the fight? What does the resolution look like? What do you fight about? And we had more than 10,000 people submit answers. So thank you guys so much, and we will go back to this. But when it. The list of, like, what do people fight about? It was the number one thing was communication. But chores, cleanliness, division of labor, all kind of wrapped up in one kids, money in laws. So if you hold those things, you could say about Travis Kelsey and also George Clooney, you guys probably aren't fighting about division of labor. You have tons of people that you've paid to help with that. You guys aren't probably doing the dishes. Yeah, kids, again, I don't know. You probably have a lot of help and a lot of staff money. You have all the money in the world in laws. I mean, both Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I don't know about George Clooney. They seem to have really super tight relationships with their families. So communication is the number one by far. Far and above the thing that people argue about the most. And I think it is about finding somebody who doesn't invalidate you and make you feel like you're being, quote, unquote crazy or ridiculous or being oversensitive. It sounds like those people found a counterpart that does not make them feel like that. Yeah, and if that's the case, then I do think you probably don't fight that much.

[A]

Yeah, I. I don't fight. We do not have a lot of conflict. My. My husband and I. I don't want to sit up here and on this high horse and brag, but I want to use myself as an example, as someone who was in an extremely volatile, combative relationship and someone who we really do not fight. I can. One hand. I can name something that I would even dare to call a fight. And I really use. Don't like the word because I. Again, I don't picture the volatility and the screaming and yelling and the ins. Whatever, but, like, conflict, literally one hand, I can, like, tell you all of them. And so we communicate really well, and there's people that communicate better than us. So if you are like, you have found your person that you have so much love and respect for, maybe you met them a little later in life, and you both communicate really well. I can see a world like people who say they don't fight with their partner. I am not invalidating that and jumping down their throat and telling them they're lying. I'm just not. But I have more questions.

[B]

I guess I need to know what kind of. What do you qualify as a fight? I mean, you guys, you disagree on stuff. Sometimes you calmly and kindly figure it out. But, like, you've not never had a disagreement. And I had. I mean, I had a relationship with somebody for four years where I'd say, we never fought. And when he left me, the first thing he said to me was, I let you win every single argument. Right. I never push back against you. I thought, look at me. I'm always right. I'm fucking crushing it. We never fight. We never have come conflict. And we were so much younger. And it's very partner specific. I didn't think we had a lot of volatility. We didn't yell and scream at the end of the relationship. He was like, I feel like I have to let you win every single argument. I don't.

[A]

Like.

[B]

I made more money than him. I was a little bit older than him. I had more experience. Like, I do see that dynamic. And so it scares me when people say we never have. We never fight at all. Because it's triggering for me. Cause I'm like, oh, yeah, I never fought either.

[A]

Yeah. And if those couples break up and one person feels blindsided because the other person never expressed any sort of dissatisfaction or annoyance or grievance at all. I mean, Shashank is really so easygoing and so agreeable and patient and just easy to get along with. I mean, I attribute him a lot with our lack of a conflict. Not that I'm so difficult, but, you know, I have like a strong personality and I'm certainly not going to be for everybody. But he is admittedly just less confrontational. Like, he puts me in my place. I mean, he doesn't let me get away with everything. But I think he's just. I was talking to him last night about his previous partners, and he's just more inclined to kind of let stuff go and. But I'm like, but if you can't. It builds up. And the few conflicts we've had, it was like something that kind of built up that he didn't vocalize in the moment. And so it is a fear of mine always, like, to your point, that I would be with somebody, friend even, and something's going on and they're not telling me and they're keeping score. And of course, it's not what I think he does. It's not what I think you do or any really, buddy, that's close to my life. But it is such a fear that someone won't say something and then it will all come rushing out in some conflict or they will, like you said, break up with you and be like all these things all these years. And it's just like, how have you not. Then you just. You also feel lied to.

[B]

It was tremendously destabilizing for me for somebody to be like, you thought you were right all these times, and I just let you be right. And to me, that's number one. It's partner specific, it's age specific. I mean, I was 28, he was 25. I mean, he was so young. I don't think back then. I mean, this is so many years ago. Like, we didn't have an avalanche of tiktokers with self help and a ring light being like, you know, five signs, you're being gaslit. Like, I didn't know those words. And I think there's a net positive to that stuff. But like, there wasn't so much information on the Internet that was just like, this is what's happening. This is how to handle conflict. If you said to me today, like, if I really ran the tape and I was like, okay, we. I do seem to win every argument. And he never pushes back and he never has an opinion. I really would pause for a moment and be like, does he feel heard in this relationship? Like, I'm not a detective, we're not mind readers. So if somebody tells you we have come to a healthy resolution here. You have to assume that that's the truth. But I just, I was so much younger. So was he, like, to his own admission, he allowed me to believe that everything was fine.

[A]

Yeah. And there are other symptoms too. I mean, I know you stopped having sex as much like which again, that can change over time. Lack of sex is not always. Cause there's a deep rooted issue. But like little things I think like that's the few times we've had these conflicts. Like our dynamic has shifted in the home. We're not talking to each other the same way, we're not being as cutesy. Something is off and I typically am the one that needs to dig into it. And I can't be off with anybody without saying something.

[B]

You really can't.

[A]

It's not even. You can't get. Fuck this. And I have had to learn that he needs a little bit of time to process what he's feeling and vocalize it to me. And I think a big thing with him is having to realize he's not you and he's not one of my girlfriends. And the way that we might communicate is not woman to woman. Like, he's just a different person completely. And we really communicate so well. But the two, the couple times when I felt like we can't get there. I have to remind myself that he needs some time to digest what I've said and come back to me. And I just don't experience that with my girlfriends.

[B]

He's not me. Like, you're not as close with him.

[A]

As Jorah, but literally when we've had these conflicts and we're talking things out, I have been like, but like my head is going like, but my closest people to me, which are women, would be different. And I have to remind myself that I'm not dealing with them. And I will sometimes say all the things. I'm doing a fucking monologue. I'm explaining something why I feel a certain way or what this made me feel or where I'm feeling a disconnect or I'm going on and on and then you just. Is he just like listens and I'm like, hello, what are you going to say back? And I think he has to digest it, take and have some time with it, go for a drive and like come back to me. And that's something I've had to learn.

[B]

Yeah, I think everybody processes things differently. And it also like, I think back to that relationship and when he left me, it wasn't a moment where I Went like, oh, my God. I think everything was so perfect. It was a watershed moment for me where I was like, oh, my God. We weren't having sex. We did have a lot of issues. I was deeply unhappy here. Yes. Like, I think some people are like, we never fight. And if you really ran the tape, you could still say to yourself, well, we don't really have a lot of conflict. We don't have a lot of problems. I don't. I don't feel deeply in my soul that something is wrong here. If I was honest with myself, I felt deeply in my soul that something was wrong, that this was not my longtime partner, that getting engaged was a mistake that I had all kinds of concerns about. He's a wonderful person, and he still is to this day. He's a kind person. But we had all kinds of issues in terms of money and how we saw our lives and where they were going to go and how we wanted to live. And I had a lot of problems in that relationship. I just wasn't willing to see them because I was just like, oh, I'm right. Every fight, I'm right. And I did. I thought dirty, too. Like, I think that you grow up and you change. Like, I. We would get in some kind of disagreement, and I just wouldn't answer his calls for, like, 12 hours. I would, like, go to a friend's. I would make sure he, like, didn't know where I was. It was super manipulative. Like, that's so unfair. And that's not something I would ever do to somebody today.

[A]

I know. I mean, I really think back to relationships. I mean, you know, one in particular, and I guess others, too, that were fighting dirty, like you said, and just you're doing stuff to sometimes really hurt the person on a deep level or just confuse them or, again, like, make them wonder where you are. Like, these aren't, like, fun games. Like, you really got to check yourself. I'm like, is this what I want in a relationship? Like, I know some people operate differently in their relationship and that toxicity, they need it. And I would suggest working on that in therapy. But, I mean, if that's what works for you and you consider yourself happy and you really like the thrill of that, that's fine. But it could never be me. I'd like to feel more safe and secure. You know, I think if you fight all the time, if everything is a fight, you're always walking on eggshells. You're always triggered. They're always triggered. And you've worked on this and You've tried and it doesn't change. That's not the person for you. Like, it doesn't have to be like that. Like, I think there's seasons in relationships where things can feel tense and big changes. Like having a kid for an example, or someone's out of work, they've lost their job, or you're dealing with family drama or trauma. You can have a season where there's more conflict and tension. But if it's like that all the time, it's not healthy for you. Literally. Like your mental health, but also your physical health. Like, I remember just always feeling that stress in my body. Like when your cortisol levels are up, like your stress hormones are up and you were dealing with chronic stress. And I was looking this up because I just wanted a little bit of proof to back me up. I mean, it obviously impacts your mental health and your emotional health, but also your physical, physical health. You can gain weight, you're fatigued, you sleep less, you have mood swings, anxiety, irritability, memory, concentration problems, high blood sugar, high blood pressure, weakened immunity overall, which can make you prone to illness. Like it literally makes you sick. Yeah.

[B]

If things are bad at home, things are bad everywhere. For me also, it's pervasive. I can't focus.

[A]

Like when it's all the time, it's like chronic. And you know, if you were chronically fighting with your partner and your relationship, you know that you are fighting more than you're not fighting. Everybody around you knows and everybody around you knows too. So we will get into some of these stats and go over all this stuff. We're just going to take a quick break.

[B]

Okay, I'm going to tell you guys about Shopify. I mean, Shopify is the platform that Ashley and I literally have used to run the girls got to eat merch platform and all of vibes only for many, many years. And we could not do either without this. And with Shopify, you can easily set up an online store and start selling your products literally in no time. So Shopify is the best place to start and grow a business like ours. It is the one commerce platform behind big brands that you know and love. So if it is a side hustle, if you want a full blown storefront, Shopify takes really the guesswork out of all of your business scaling. They have unbelievable reporting. So Ashley and I have access to every single order, every single product in our entire catalog on our phones and our computer. It's so easy to use. We have tons of users in our company that are in and out so everybody can log in. There's tons of AI tools that can help you with directions, reporting, editing, images, content, ideas as you build a whole website, a beautiful professional looking website on there. There's tons of plugins in terms of payments. I mean Ashley and I could not run this business without Shopify and many, many people could not either. It has made it possible to scale and to keep tabs on everything no matter where we are. I mean it is really our one stop shop for both of our businesses. So if you are ready to build your own empire, whether it's merch products or the next best idea, get on shopify.com GGE and make it happen today.

[A]

And that app, ching ching every time you get a sale. I love that. Such a rush. Yeah. So the app is great too. Okay. And I am telling you guys about Just Thrive. Okay. So this past weekend I just like ate poorly. I really, it was really out of character for me. Just like a lot of like fried foods, beers, processed food. Like it just, I felt so bad and because my gut was off. And when your gut is off, everything feels off. Your digestion, your energy, your mood. Like I woke up this morning, I was just like in a bad mood, you know, and like it's because it's in my body. So every day your gut is fighting a silent war, talking about fighting today, but your gut is fighting for its life all the time against processed foods, stress and even toxins in the air. And when your gut struggles, like I said, your whole body feels it. So we love Just Thrive and we trust them. Most probiotics never make it to your gut alive and that is why they don't work. But Just Thrive is clinically proven to arrive 100% alive and deliver measurable results. And it does something no other probiotic can. It turns your gut into an antioxidant factory, creating protective compounds exactly where you need the most. For you, that means better digestion, healthy immunity, much more energy and easy weight management. Just Thrive Probiotic comes in capsules or berry flavored gummies. They are delicious. So there's an option for everyone in the family. We love the gummy. It's like a little treat that's good for you. For over a decade, Just Thrive has been helping thousands of people take control of their health with science backed solutions you can trust. From their award winning probiotic to their full line of gut immune brain health supplements, Just Thrive is ready to help you live your healthiest life. So we love that this isn't just like some new Business that wanted to jump in on the health movement. They've been around for over a decade and really helping a lot of people. So our challenge is to try Just thrive probiotic for 90 days risk free. Visit justthrivehealth.com and save 20 with promo code GGE. See the difference for yourself or get a full product refund, no questions asked. Take the 90 day Just Thrive Probiotic Challenge today at justthrivehealth.com GGE and be the best you with Just Thrive.

[B]

Okay? And Quince. Literally, there is almost not a day that goes by that something on my body is not from Quince. If you are thinking about a wardrobe refresh, Quince is where you want to go. They've got you covered for luxe essentials. They feel really effortless. They look polished. And I literally cannot believe the price on any of these things. So I was going through my sweaters. I was looking at all the cashmere sweaters. They have Mongolian cashmere sweaters. Ashley and I have the cardigans, the turtlenecks. I mean, they've held up for years in my closet. The best, the jeans. I posted these jeans and this bag. So the women's Bella Stretch Relax straight Jean. They also have a patch pocket one. The length on them is great, especially for short girlies. They're $50. I cannot believe the quality of these. And then I just bought this bag. It's the women's Italian suede slouchy bag. Comes in a ton of colors as well. I don't know what they're doing over there, but the pricing is unbelievable for what you get. I get so many compliments on all the stuff I wear from Quint's and they have everything you could ever possibly need. They have bedding, they have luggage. They have all the things and everything with Quince. Their pieces are made with premium materials in ethical trusted factories and then priced far below what other luxury brands charge. I'm just, I'm thrilled. I really am thrilled.

[A]

They're not marking that shit up, you know, they're just passing savings on to you. You'd love to see it.

[B]

Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Don't wait. Go to Quince.com GGE for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q U I n c e.com GGE to get free shipping and 36065 day returns. Quints.com okay, so we have a bunch.

[A]

Of stats and research to dump on you guys, but I do Just want to direct people to a few other episodes because we've been talking about fighting the whole entirety of this podcast. So we did a few episodes if you guys want to look back, because today we're going to talk about kind of what's normal. But if you're like, but I need more conflict management, resolution, and all kinds of stuff. So we have, we have a lot of great episodes. We did an episode with Dr. Orna Goralnick from Couples Therapy in April of 2023. How to manage and make sense of fighting in your relationship. That was a really great one. Raina did three solos, fight smarter, not harder in April 2020. Should I be mad about this was November 2022. And then I love this one. Reina, do you remember? Just say the thing from January 2022.

[B]

You said Reina did three solos. I was like, I did.

[A]

Wait, oh, did I say Raina? I thought I said we did three solos.

[B]

Did I?

[A]

Guys, that's just right on our own. So take a listen. Raina solo podcast. Just say the thing was really great about like speaking up and voicing your concerns. And then we did how to complain to your partner and your friends the right way with Guy Winch in September 2022. So we can maybe make a little story with these and listen for you guys. But just there's a lot out there with a wealth of information on how to fight smarter, not harder in your relationship.

[B]

Yeah, everybody fights. Yeah, except for not you guys and not in my last relationship.

[A]

But we do have conflict. But again, like, I have been a different person in my 20s in relationships and my 30s and my 40s and my 20s were just reactive and expectations were all out of whack and just kind of being immature and not having the language and the resources, especially that we do now. And just, just being young. In my 30s, I was in a toxic relationship and that was the first time I had a really, like, in love, passionate, like, this is who I'm gonna end up with type thing that turned out to be really toxic. And it was non stop fighting. And you wonder, am I always gonna be this person and you're not? And I have grown up a lot, but I also found somebody that is obviously a way better match for me. And we have a really healthy relationship. And overall, your partner should enhance your life and not make it worse. And not every single day like we're all human, but if you look at the big picture and your life together and the, the part that they play in your mental, physical and emotional well being Is it a net positive?

[B]

I mean, I tell you all the time, I mean, he is literally, I credit you. But, like, he has really changed you. You are. Oh, my God. So you're a patient person. You have attained a level of patience all the time. It's crazy. Maybe you're patient with him, but I see the way you react to him. And I've said this always because one time you were telling me about sort of like a disagreement you were having, and you were so calm about it. And I said, isn't this so nice? Like, you're dealing with somebody that you know is your teammate and is on your side and is not trying to attack you or do something to hurt you. I think you trust that you're with somebody who would never do anything to make you feel badly on purpose. And there's a lot to be said about how you counteract that, you know, because I think in the relationship that was so toxic for you, you felt like you're being attacked by this person that wasn't your teammate, he wasn't on your side, he was trying to hurt you.

[A]

I don't know. It's like, you've got to ask yourself, like, do you feel like your partner's out to get you? Like, when something happens that upsets you, do you think the worst? Like, I think the best. I, I. We love and respect each other so much. I mean, that's my, that's my husband, you know? Like, we really would never think the worst. And additionally, even when we've had conflict, early days, before we were even engaged or married, you know, before we were locked in, like, I knew that it didn't mean the end of the relationship, I could rest easy. Like, very rarely. But when we have had a problem and we have gone to bed when we were long distance or even now, still in the conflict, I could still sleep. I mean, it wasn't the best sleep of my life, but I wasn't up all night just reeling and, like, what is this? Are we over? You know, and I just feel at ease and secure in our relationship, that this doesn't mean it's the end because we have a conflict.

[B]

I think it's, you know, about finding their partner. I think you just. We talked about this earlier. We don't, we don't want the whole episode to be, like, sometimes you just get older and you get better. But, like, when I was younger, I just let it fucking rip.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it does feel good sometimes. Like, all the nice, like, approach it with kindness and use I statements. I Know all the things you're supposed to do. Sometimes it really felt good to just go fudgeing crazy nuclear. And I don't know, I think about how I want to spend my days now and actually, like, what would I like the outcome to be? Or I'd like the outcome to be that we're fine, that we're together, that we respect each other. Hurled a bunch of insults at somebody. Like, I just think when I was younger I just had shittier partners and I didn't care if I hurled a bunch of insults at them. It was funny. I didn't. I didn't give a shit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I was just more toxic.

[A]

Yeah. And just being more reactive in general. I mean, I just used to feel like the second I was triggered by someone, anyone, I have to respond in that moment. Like, I don't know what that is. That like, sense of urgency. And again, I think I had a partner that brought that out in me. But that's my biggest tip. And I see the growth even today. Like, if something happens with Shashank and I get that feeling of like, oh, that bothered me. I like, sit with it for a minute.

[B]

How'd you teach yourself how to do that?

[A]

Take a. I mean, just with self talk. I mean, and also he's not. He's not doing the things that my exes have done. But it's the self talk and like I feel the growth from within. Like the. Take a pause, take a beat. A. Did he did not him, but anyone. Did he mean it like that? Or have you interpreted something via text or via a tone? Like, what actually happened here? Take some time and space away from it. Ask yourself if this is a pattern or this is a deeper issue of whatever it is that pissed yourself off and asked yourself why. Talk to somebody. Talk to your friends, Talk to your therapist. Talk to chatgpt. Like you have to de escalate before you pop off. Like with any relationship. That's what I've learned. Yeah.

[B]

I mean, I think when you think like, what do I like the end result to be? Working. And I work backwards from it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No one, I mean, listen, again, I can't stress this enough. I was a toxic mess in my 20s, but. And I was comfortable living like that too. I think I was just like, this is just how it be. But I don't want to be like that now.

[A]

Yeah. And I think of those times, like being out with friends and be like, head down, just text fighting. Like, I. When I watch people text fighting with their partner, like, I want to cry. I want to cry because it was me and I ruined a New Year's Eve party. You know, Like, I ruined events, friends events, birthdays, whatever. Because I was in the corner text fighting. He's part of that too. He wouldn't let me stop. You know, Like, I would think, like, ashley, put it down. Put your phone away. Enjoy the time with your friends. And he would keep coming at me, you know, but.

[B]

So it's your partner.

[A]

My ex. So it's, like, hard. You want to defend yourself and you want to. Oh, my God, I can't believe. You know. And you're being super triggered. But, like, I see people doing that and I'm like, also, like, why are you doing this over text with your partner? You know, like, if you feel something starting to get inflamed, it's like, whoa, let's. Let's do this when we get home. Or let's do this when we see each other next door. Let's at least do this on the phone.

[B]

Well, you know me, I won't get no text with anybody. I'm picking up the phone.

[A]

Will not do it. But that's a sign of maturity and growth because we've all been there, locked in a corner fucking text fighting with somebody, whether it be a friend or a partner. And so you just don't do it. Just refuse to do it.

[B]

I would. I just don't think anything is gonna get resolved that way. Sometimes you wanna just say something really mean via. I don't know. I mean, I'd rather voice note. It's a to somebody. Like, anything will be misinterpreted in text. Like, nothing good's gonna come about it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Come from it. Nothing good's gonna come about it.

[A]

Yeah. And I mean, if you have to say a thing and they're at work, like, don't try to fire someone up at work. You know, Like, I used to do that shit too.

[B]

It was really mean.

[A]

It's just like, say, like, I'm upset because of this. Use your I statements and be like, we'll talk about it later. Like, just, you know, if you're firing.

[B]

Someone up, I'm doing it on purpose. I used to just be really.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

I mean, I really would, like, leave the apartment for hours sometimes, like, the whole night. I would, like, stay at Melanie's or, like, run. I just. It was mean. So we said we are gonna, like, tell you guys a lot of these poll results, and we just can't thank you enough for what you offer to us. I mean, to say that 10,000 people, sometimes 20,000 people submit to these polls. I mean, nobody has access to information like that. So thank you for sharing your lives. And this is embarrassing and uncomfortable, and it's a. It's a tough topic to be like. I initiate a lot of fights. I start fights, you know, and so I don't think mean you should be embarrassed. I just mean people find it embarrassing.

[A]

People have time around all those kinds of things that we ask you guys about. And we appreciate you sharing always. But I will say, I mean, even if you try to Google search, how often do couples fight? You try to ask AI. I mean, it's hard to study this stuff, you know, like, this survey is as good as any, and it's 10,000 people. And if you guys are listening to this, it's 10,000 people that are similar to you in some way because you're all here answering this or listening to this podcast. So it's just like, we love doing this because it really gives clarity around what's, quote unquote, normal. And we did the episode, how often do people really have sex? And I think that was so eye opening and validating. So this is kind of what we wanted to achieve here as well.

[B]

Yeah. So I guess we can just start with. I mean, we asked just straight up, how often do you fight with your partner? So 52% of people said rarely, which doesn't mean never. I mean, once or twice a month was 37%. So a lot of people are fighting a couple times a month. And again, can't stress this enough. Fighting means something different to everybody. So we did not. We never asked what constitutes a fight.

[A]

Well, we. The next one, we kind of talked about it. But I just want to say rarely means less than once a month. So that's pretty good. You know, like, half of the people that answered this are really not having conflict monthly, but it's okay if you are, like Raina said, once or twice a month, 37% once or twice a week, 10% and 2% constantly.

[B]

It's interesting because people are only reporting on their own behavior.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I thought it was interesting. And we'll talk about it. Who starts the fight versus who? Who resolves the fight? Everybody thinks they did not start it, and everybody thinks they also resolved it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Everybody's like, I'm not the problem. It's them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's interesting doing one side of this.

[A]

Yeah. And, like, what you think about yourself.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We're not saying anyone's wrong here. I'm just. It is interesting to see this.

[B]

Okay, so how often you fight? 2% say only 2% say constantly. I think it'd be so interesting to see this 10 years ago or 15 years ago. Like, I just. I think about it every day. I'm so fascinated by what, like, TikTok and self help and AI and all this has done for people's ability to, like, self soothe, understand a behavior ahead of time. Like, I really shit on the amount of, like, information that's out there. Everybody has, like, a PhD in feelings. We all think that we're so smart. But, like, I do think people are realizing red flags sooner. I think that they're realizing this is not healthy sooner. I think people are getting out of relationships sooner. Like, I am obviously older than a lot of our listeners. I'm 40, but, like. Or the same age as you. But the constantly feels like, I used to know people like that more in my 20s. I don't see that that much anymore. And I wonder how much people just have evolved in general because of how much information is out there. And I like to see it 2% constantly. That's amazing.

[A]

Well, also, having a boyfriend is embarrassing. So I think every year that we progress, people feel like. Women feel like they don't need a partner as much as they did in the olden days. You know, like, we are just getting more progressive in terms of women's independence and all of the things. Well, hopefully, you know, I think we are definitely going back in time and we will be Handmaid's Tale in the next 60 to 90 days. But, you know, I think in general.

[B]

It'S just like, at the time of this episode, we still have Right.

[A]

Rights, but. And we can speak freely. But I think in general, like, women are settling for less toxicity and just. They don't need a partner. So I think they're just like, I don't want to be in that. And so it was really encouraging to see the 2% as constantly.

[B]

I think that's a great point. I really thought about it. People just stayed in relationships that were really bad because what else were you gonna do?

[A]

Yeah. And now you get shamed for it. Like, I think it used to be like, you're gonna be in the relationship because it's better than being alone. And now I think you're like. Like, it's an ick. You know, those toxic couples. Like, it's not cute and you don't want to be the person in the corner. Fight, text fighting. Like, it's become embarrassing to be in that type of relationship, which you Love to see it.

[B]

I think people think that they're better than that. And they are.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think there is just an air of like, I'm. This is beneath me. And to go along with that. We asked when. When you fight, it is usually. And the response was small disagreement. Small disagreement, 70%.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So to your point also, like, I think that there aren't these like World War Three fights because that was 1% of people, full blown argument, 12%, passive aggressive vibes, 18%. So 70% small disagreement.

[A]

Yeah. Which is great to see the 1%. World War Three, I mean, I got to dive into because. And that's by the way, hundreds of people. By the way. Like, it's not. It's 1%, it's 2%, but it's hundreds of people, 10,000 thousand people that are doing this. It's. That's normal. I want to normalize it too. Like, if you feel like you are in that toxic relationship, you are not alone. You gotta get out of it, but you're not alone.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Don't beat yourself up.

[B]

But I mean, sometimes I'm happy for those people because they entertain me.

[A]

Please do it publicly. Obviously. Not that I love more than watching couples fight in public.

[B]

Okay. So for small disagreements, I think that like these small issues can feel really charged a lot for people, I think because like you have these like service fights and a lot of things are like under it. And so these small disagreements, I think, like sort of escalate and they aren't really about that topic. And so I understand. It makes sense that most fights are kind of about that. I want to like, validate. That's probably like what most people are dealing with. Small disagreement is like, you left the dishes in the sink. But the main issue is, like, you don't help me with the housework.

[A]

It's so true. I mean, like a dumb little thing can still lead to someone feeling dismissed or disrespected or hurt. But like, when you actually run the tape, you're like, oh my fucking God. Like, I can't believe that shit led to, like you said it's the dishes or it's a thing. It was something small that just was snowballed.

[B]

The worst, most nuclear fight I think I've ever had. I mean, definitely a top three. Was the guy that I was dating showed me this video and it was about how men. It was like a dagger of men's brains and they could only think about one thing at a time. And I said something like, men are so stupid. Like, it was Just like a. It was funny.

[A]

That was.

[B]

The point of the video is that, like, men could have 500 different things going on, but they'll only, like, respond to one question you asked. But women's brains. It's like a thousand things going around all at once. And I just said, like, men are so stupid. And it escalated into this. Like, is this what you think of men? Is this what you think of me? You just think. And I was like, oh, this is a little deeper for you. Like, this is what you think I think of you. I've said things to indicate this is what I think of you. I guess, like, you're really triggered by my response to this. You're taking this real personal. But all I was a normal. The whole point of the video is that men are kind of stupid.

[A]

Yeah. And, like, he was kind of. Of stupid. Well, he took it personal because if he knew there was some truth in. Is funny. Like, I think I've talked about this in the podcast. Like, that day, I think I went up and I was wanting to work out, like, in a hotel, and, like, these, like, sweaty men were on the pelotons, and I was, like, so pissed, and they just, like, ruined my morning. And I was telling Shashank. I was like, I just, like, men ruin everything. Like, they just are so gross. These men are up there just, like, sweating, and they're, like, ruined my morning. Like, men ruin everything. Don't they? Men ruin everything. I'm saying this to my husband. He was like, ashley, I just, like, wrong audience. Like, he kind of clapped back. He was like, yeah, all right. You're annoyed because they were on the pelotons. Like, go talk to Reyna. I was like, I will. And I will go talk to Reyna, and she will validate that men wrote everything.

[B]

I also thought you were just annoyed about the pelotons, but I also validate that men ruin everything. I knew you were just annoyed you couldn't get on the peloton, but I was like, you have picked a villain in your story, and I think it's the correct villain.

[A]

Yes. Two sweaty men.

[B]

It's not circumstances that other people are at this hotel. It's men.

[A]

Yeah. Stop sweating in public.

[B]

Who gave you the right to be. Who gave you the right?

[A]

Okay, then we asked, do your fights usually escalate? 47% said, no, we stay calm. Okay. 48, though, said, Sometimes. So more than the majority is sometimes, which I think is the norm.

[B]

Yeah, I think that, you know, it depends on when you get me, at what point of the day, what's been going on? There's a million triggers for me. Stress, timing, tone, emotional build up. Am I already mad at you about other it? Is money an issue? Do we have kids?

[A]

Damn. All right.

[B]

Reading a lot going on.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And then 1% said almost always. And then 1% said every single time. So those are similar. So, you know, again, like, not negligible, but the majority is staying calm versus, like, sometimes they escalate because they do.

[B]

Yeah, I think that's. Listen, as long as there's. It doesn't escalate into, like, harmful behavior, I think it's fine. It's normal. It can happen sometimes. You're not trying to deal with that at the end of the day.

[A]

Yeah. And this is not a hot take, but relationships are an experiment. They are a learning experience of realizing how someone is in all these different situations. I mean, you can really go a long time with somebody that has healthy communication skills and they're secure and so are you, and you agree on most things, and you have similar interests. Like, you can go a really long time before a conflict arises. Months, a year, like, or forever. I don't know. It's just, just. But when they do, you will learn quick how they are in conflict, and it may not be what you expected. And like I said, I mean, I think we as women are better at processing our emotions and being able to name them and pinpoint them and talk them out. I think we're quicker to want to talk them out and resolve things. And I think we. A tale as old as time. As a woman that's like, I want to. To fix this. I'm ready to fix it. I'm gonna be vulnerable. I'm gonna be communicative. I'm gonna be honest. Like, I want to fix this. And the guy cannot, can't. And he has to go on a drive or he has to go in the garage or, you know, think of my dad. He had to go in the garage. And like, Shazunk's gotta go drive up in the hills and think about stuff. I mean, it's just like, men do need to retreat. I mean, men are from arms, Women for Venus. I read that, like, so long ago. And I do really think that there's some misogyny vibes to it. But that was one of the things I feel like I really learned in my early 20s was about men needing to retreat and go into their cave and think about stuff. And not all of them, but I do think this is the thing that can escalate the fight is, let's just say it's the female partner. If you're in a heterosexual relationship, being like, I want to fix this. Like, I don't want to walk around this house intention anymore. And he's like, no, no. I just.

[B]

Okay, so to your point, I want to read a stat and then I want to talk about it. So. So we asked, how long do you stay mad after fights or the initial argument before the resolution? So just for minutes. 40% of people I don't know who was staying mad just for minutes, a few hours is 44%, one to two days, 11%, and until further notice, 5%. So everybody stays mad for different periods of time. And I think there's a real difference between processing something and holding onto resentment. I mean, I do need a little bit of time and space. Usually, like, I need to say to myself, like, you're not gonna feel like this in an hour. Yeah, you are not gonna feel so angry. Like. Like, I have been more the person that needs to go for the drive, needs to go for the walk. I need you to not press me on this right this second, because, like, you will get a bad version of me right now as opposed to if you let me go have an hour or two. And I use that to probably, like, hurt people. In the past, when I was saying my early 20s, I would just disappear all day. But, like, I think it's okay to have like a cooling off time period and still, like, let your partner know. Like, we will discuss this. I just need a little time. Cause I do. I just. I know that I'm gonna react poorly if we have the conversation right this.

[A]

Second again, take some time and space and figure out how you actually feel when you're not heated and you can't feel that anger in your body or in your brain. But the one time where I do feel like we had a conflict that lasted a few days, it's only happened once, but, like, I feel like Shashank couldn't completely get there and articulate to me, like, the thing that kind of started the whole thing, whatever. Like, I'm not gonna get into it. And I apologize if you want more, but I'm protecting my relationship and, like, you know what? I'm sharing. Of course. And again, it wasn't anything huge, but it was just like, I told him, like, thank God you finally were able to figure this out and what I did that upset you in the first place and how we got here. But we have lost a couple days, like, of being quieter around the house and going to bed and not a great place and not being ourselves with each other. And, like, I just don't want to do that. And, like, I'm not. I don't want to pressure you if you need some time, if we have a conflict down the road. But, like, if I have a note, it is like, I'd like to work through things. I don't want days to go by like this. Like, we love each other. Like, nothing terrible happened. Like. And I think he was like, I will work on. I don't want that either, you know, But I get it. It's frustrating. And this is what my mom deals with with my dad, and I really feel for her. And my dad needs days, and he can't figure it out. You know, he. It takes a long time for him to come back around and A, say what he's upset about, or B, apologize if he needs to. And I feel for her. And that's probably her biggest critique in their marriage.

[B]

I mean, that's been everybody's critique in a relationship with me.

[A]

That I am that person, that you're.

[B]

That person, that I really. I mean, you know, that I'm like. I just. If it's a pervasive issue. And I'm like, I know the way I feel is not like a situation that I'm upset about. It is a larger issue, and I'm gonna hurt your feelings when I say it. So, like, I. It's. I just. I avoid those things. I get really nervous. Everybody I've ever been with, my family, friends of mine have been like, you refuse to share this. And I've worked to get better on it. Cause I know that that's very hurtful to people because, like you said, you lose days, sometimes people lose weeks. It's just in this weird, nebulous. Like, we're just kind of mad at each other. Well.

[A]

And then you get another person like that that's not gonna bang down your door, like, I will, and would you stop being friends? I mean, again, it's like, how much does it snowball from days to. To weeks to months, and then there's not a friendship there anymore. And that's an extreme case. But if you have two people that are like that, and, you know, I'm not even. I. I don't think you're stubborn at all. I don't actually think. That's not a word I would use to describe you or really any of the people that are super close. My life, besides my dad. But it's just, if you have two of those people. I mean, I'm sure there's couples that have broken up because they're both like that, and they were both stubborn, and they couldn't get there, and they maybe lost something good there.

[B]

I'm not stubborn. That's not the. I don't know. Yeah. I don't think you're saying I'm stubborn, but I just don't know how to say it. And I'm like, oh, I'm gonna say this, and I can't take it back. This is the thing I feel about you as a person.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's hard for me to get those words together, but I think that as I've gotten older, I've just. I see the best in people. I know the people around me are trying to hurt me. I don't want to hurt them. I try to. I'm just better at softening things. You know, I just. You know, we get older, we get better.

[A]

Totally. And I do think you do really give your friends and the people you care about the benefit of the doubt. And obviously, we talk about this all the time. Like, it is way different than, like, if we had conflicts early days, I just wouldn't hear from you. I guess she's dead, and I guess the podcast is over, because why would she not be texting me?

[B]

Yeah. Our conflict style is really different now. I really. I thank your husband.

[A]

Reina. We've been doing good for a long time since that one summer. We fought a lot. Okay, so.

[B]

So this is actually a stat that I thought was really interesting. Who starts the fights and who initiates the resolution?

[A]

Resolution.

[B]

Okay, so, I mean, most of our audience is female, so this is mostly women saying this. So most people say that they did not start the fight, and most people also say that they initiate the resolution. So every. All the women in our audience are perfect. And I love you guys, and I just. I love, love this so much. But listen, none of us really think that we're at fault, and.

[A]

Okay, but let's do the stats, because I like the majority stat for who usually starts the fights. So who usually starts the fights? 33% said, Me, it's me. I'm the problem. It's me. Only a third of you, 6% said, my partner. I like that. That's not putting a bunch of blame. Okay, we alternate. 23%. I like that.

[B]

And then I should let that out.

[A]

And then 37%, the majority who answered this said, hard to say. They just kind of happen. And I feel like that that's so Real where you're like, I don't even fucking know. It just all of a sudden it.

[B]

Got weird, you know, like. And then. Who usually initiates the talk with 50%? Me.

[A]

I. But that feels like a female trait to initiate, to drag. Like, I. When I think of the couple times with Shashank, I visually picture myself pulling something out of him. Like, the first time this happened, like, first real fight, summer 2024, I felt like all day I had to pull out of him. Why? He was pissed at me.

[B]

I mean, listen, I'm the last male apologist alive, but I do understand that, like, men are not taught to value feelings and, like, being vulnerable and saying how something makes them feel. And I don't think that men. I think it's getting better. But men have not traditionally been raised to, like, talk it out and say, you're hurt. So they weren't, like, given those tools so young, and so now it's our problem.

[A]

Well, he has a sister, and so he's doing.

[B]

That's her problem.

[A]

He's already got a leg up on all those other men that don't have an older sister, but yeah. So who usually initiates the talk? Who starts the resolution? 50 said me. 19% said them, the partner. 27% said whoever snaps first. So you started it, you got finish it, and we avoid it forever. 4%. That's a lot. I mean, this feels like Shashank and his previous relationships. Like, last night I was trying to talk to him so much it about. About his past relationships, and they're fighting, and, like, he finally had to be like, what are you trying to get out of me? Like, he was like, what are you trying to get out of me? I'm like, I want to understand.

[B]

I'm the best. That we are the best.

[A]

He's just not combative. He's just really easy. But he's also like. But I think I had stuff in those past relationships that I never said, and then obviously they didn't work out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know? Yeah.

[B]

I mean, I just. I do validate that. That is just tools that we did not get of boys growing up. And so it is harder for them. And so we have to raise them now.

[A]

But to your point, it's the, like, the vulnerability of saying, you hurt me and you did this thing that made me feel. I don't. Whatever it is, dismissed, emasculated, disrespected, looked down upon, condescending. Like, those things are hard for anybody to man. Hard for them to admit being really vulnerable because you don't want to think that like your partner did this thing that maybe not even perceived as a big deal, but it made you feel a certain type of way.

[B]

Yeah. I think that's why most fights are these. They starts with something little because like most people, men especially, are not going to start a fight with you by saying like this emasculates me. Most of them are going to say, like, why did you pick this plan? You know, like something small.

[A]

Or they'll like, if they really don't have healthy communication skills, they'll just take it out on you in some other way and you have to decode why, which is just unfair.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I love this question. I want to discuss it. Do you go to bed angry? Never. 38%, sometimes 60% and often that 2%.

[B]

Get out of there.

[A]

I love this because of the never go to bed angry marriage advice, relationship advice. And if that's, if you live and die by that, that's fine. But I think we hear it, we've heard it forever and it doesn't always work like that.

[B]

I don't know, I just think there's like, some people need a cooling off period. And yeah, you're not gonna sleep as well, but you're just like, I'll feel better in the morning. How often do I just wake up and I feel better in the morning? It doesn't feel so heavy and upset, you know, like, I'm more likely to be like, this was silly and I don't want to have this fight.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

You got to do whatever is going to allow you to emotionally regulate. So if you're like, I'm not, I'm gonna lose sleep over this. I'm not gonna be able to that. Then don't go to sleep angry. I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, couples who live and die by this. What does it look like? I mean, is it bedtime? And you're like, well, we gotta settle this now, you know, like, how do you navigate that? And again, the majority said sometimes it just be like that. So it does suck. And it is so embarrassing to get into a bed with someone you're in a fight with. That is so embarrassing. It's embarrassing to fight with your roommate. First of all, it's embarrassing to walk around the house and maybe you said used to give the silent treatment. We've talked about this. It is so embarrassing to fight with somebody. Especially you lived in a one bedroom apartment, giving your roommate the silent treatment.

[B]

Just being such a little, in this.

[A]

Tiny little apartment I am in my 30s or 40s. Like, what are we doing? And when you get into bed and you were both mad at each other, I'm like a grow up, Ashley.

[B]

We need to grow up.

[A]

This is so embarrassing.

[B]

Sometimes you're just like, I don't feel like doing this right now.

[A]

I just like this. Then sleep in the other room. Like, we're in the bed. I'm mad at you. You're in the bed. God forbid you snore. I'm even more mad now. You're moving around. You have the audacity to move. You pulled my cover when you pissed me off. The audacity.

[B]

No, it's really rude and it's terrible.

[A]

Seriously, for a man. For you to be fighting with a man and he has the audacity to get into bed and make a noise or a movement, Right?

[B]

And they roll over on their side and they just like, won't talk to you. Get out of here. Go sleep on the couch.

[A]

But it happens sometimes. And if there's couples that are like, this is what works for us. And before bed, we've gotta hash it out. And we refuse to go to bed angry. More power to you.

[B]

Yeah. And we asked you guys, what do you fight the most about? And we left this sort of open ended as a question box. And I mean, far. I mean, lots of stuff came up. So chores and division of labor came up a lot. You know, who's just responsible for everything around the house? Obviously, kids, money, sex in laws. But far and above, over and over and over again, is communication. And I really dove into what that meant with the next question side because we asked people what makes you feel crazy during a fight. And everything had to do with communication and just feeling like you are not heard by your partner. You are invalidated. Somebody just dismisses how you feel. They're sarcastic. I mean, there's just a laundry list of things that will destabilize you. Stonewalling, which was like, I was the MVP of stonewalling back in the day. Defensiveness and validation. All of that communication is just like. Like so much of fights is nothing to do with the fight. It's just like, how do I feel when we're having a disagreement? Do you hear me at all? Are you trying to see my side of things at all? Are you acting like I'm being ridiculous? I had my first boyfriend in New York, would say to me, we can talk about this when you calm yourself down. I mean, there was nothing more gaslighting on planet Earth than that. I Felt so unsafe with him in conflict, and it didn't even matter. Who cares what we were fighting about. It was just. That became the fight.

[A]

That became the fight. Yes, exactly. I mean, some of these answers for when we asked again, what makes you feel crazy during a fight? Is total disregard from my perspective. And we cannot agree on the recollection of an event. I mean, that is tough. And you see this with every relationship with family, friends, partners, where you were like, that's not what happened. Like, that it makes you feel insane. Like, I. I mean, there's different levels to this. There's literally like, that's not even where we were, what was said. And then there's just, like, that's not what I meant by that. And that's how it. You interpreted it. And one of the things that triggered, like, the, I guess, biggest fight Shashank and I've had, it's like he was upset by something that I did that I clearly didn't do intentionally. I didn't even think twice about. It's just a reaction to it. Whatever. It doesn't. Again, I don't need to get into the weeds with this. And, like, I don't know. I didn't not understand where he was coming from, but it wouldn't have bothered me. I certainly validated it. But if I felt like all the time he was telling me, like, you do this thing, and you do this thing, and you do this thing, and I feel like this. I. That's not the relationship we're in. You know, like, there was a thing that happened. I was like, okay, I see where you're coming from, and I see why that hit different. And I really will work on it. I hope it never happens again. No guarantees, but I will work on it. Even though, like, what I'm thinking to myself, I didn't do anything intentional. I didn't. I didn't even know I did anything. And so if you're with a partner that's constantly. You never know when you're gonna trigger them, and you feel like you're walking on a minefield at all times, that might not be the right relationship for you, but every once in a while, you might get into a situation where someone is telling you did something and you really don't agree with it or how it made them feel because it wasn't your intention. But you still have to understand and validate it because that was their experience.

[B]

Yeah, I think we're very. We're all quick to seize upon the gaslighting word. And, like, you're gaslighting me as. I don't know. We can have disagreements. We can differ on our interpretation of an event. That doesn't mean somebody's necessarily gaslighting you. Like, gaslighting you is. It is actually like, challenging your reality. It's abusive.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

But I can get past any disagreement with anybody as long as they say to me, I can understand why you felt like that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's all. Not. Not, this didn't happen, or that's not. You're so sensitive. I need somebody at the end of an argument to be like, okay, I understand why you digested it like this.

[A]

Yeah. And I do think we get into that intention versus impact. And some people can get really hung up on the stubbornness of, like, but I didn't mean it. And it's like, But I still am hurt by it. And that is when you do have to stop being stubborn and let your guard down and just understand you hurt your partner even though you didn't mean to.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know. Some people really can't do that. It's so interesting to me, like, some people really value being right or only having their side of things really. Like a narcissistic personality trait that, like, they truly do not see their side in anything ever. You never hear. I'm sorry, you never hear. I understand why you mentioned might feel like that. You have to ask yourself, is that. Is that the resolution of every single argument is I just have to back down? Then you might be with a narcissist.

[A]

Right. And also, like, I was mentioning, if that thing that happened with us was weekly, then that wouldn't be for me. And I think of a couple, an ex couple that we know, they're broken up, and she just always feels like he's, like, making fun of her or nagging her or being disrespectful to her, like, always. And, like, he doesn't. And he's like, that's how I'm just. That's how I am. And so I just don't think they're a mess match. Like, we've seen this with. Actually, they're not the only couple where I feel like that. Where there is one party that is constantly offending the other and being like, but I don't mean it like that. And it's just like, you guys are not. Whatever's going on, your sense of humor, your delivery and tone, like, you can only change that so much about somebody. You can work through your tone and your language and things on your own in therapy. Or whatever it may be. But if you really are like, like we are just constantly butting heads that it might not be your person. Yeah. So.

[B]

So we asked you guys, what are some tips for managing conflict? And then we're gonna wrap this up by telling you guys the dumbest fights you guys have had. But I mean, you guys were great. And I had a partner who always said to me, like, you're not, you're not listening to me. You don't hear me. And I'd be like, what are you saying to me? And so I had somebody suggest just putting it back on your partner and saying like, help me to hear you better, help me to understand. Tell me what you need from me, like in a calm, nice way. And, and that was helpful for me cause I was like, I'm being great. I'm using all this non inflammatory language and I'm listening and I'm being calm. And he still didn't digest it like that. And so I did have to figure out how to communicate with him differently in fights. And that was very helpful for me to just put back on somebody else and say, well, please teach me.

[A]

Yeah, I'm thinking of another two people we know that were together and have since broken up where one person always felt like the other person was yelling and screaming and that person was like, I'm not. And that sometimes comes down to your like childhood and what you dealt with in your home. Because my voice will raise and if I'm screaming, it's hit. It hits different. It does. There's a difference in a tone. Like if I am screaming or yelling, it's different than like I'm talking elevated on this episode. Like I am passionate and my voice raises and I see a world in which someone is immediately like, you're yelling at me. I think this is typically a man might raise his voice and a woman might retreat. And maybe it was your dad was like that or your mom or whatever. And so again, that's like, that is tough. You are not able to hear each other. And if I had someone that was like, I could not raise the volume of my voice, it would be tough for me because I'm like, that's. Am I supposed to whisper when I'm upset? I know it would be tough, you know, like when you have that communication breakdown.

[B]

There was, there was so much screaming in my house growing up. I mean, it was like a daily. I mean, I just got screamed at continuously from the minute she walked in the door until the minute we went to sleep. And it's just a bad environment to live in. I don't want to be like that. So it has helped me at least to be the kind of person that doesn't raise my voice a lot. And I don't want to make somebody feel like that. If I'm yelling at you, something really bad is happening.

[A]

Yeah, I know, but. And you will. It's rare, but, yeah, I will.

[B]

I like it sometimes, but, I mean, it's not my, like, go to. But I also am not so triggered by it. Like, I can deal with it a little bit, but I'm. I don't approach people like that, so I don't. I don't want to be approached, like, totally.

[A]

And it's just. This happens over time. Like, I was in a relationship where I was yelling and screaming all the time, and I have never once spoken to Shonk like that. He's never spoken to me like that. The thought of it legitimately upsets me to even think about. And that was what I was doing on the daily. Like, I. The thought that he could talk to me in that way, like, you know.

[B]

You know, that.

[A]

That mean, like, tone, like, oh, my God, I could cry.

[B]

I can't even imagine.

[A]

I can't imagine it. And I would never do it to him. Okay. Never say never. But still. Okay, so there's just some great tips in here. Someone, obviously, number one, trust the intentions of your partner. If you can't, you're in the wrong relationship. If you really think they're out to get you and you're not in the same team. I mean, you're married, you have kids, you're trying to work it out or whatever. Have you been with them forever? Like, maybe you want to go to therapy. There's different ways. But if it's just, like, the underlying feeling, I don't think you're in the right relationship.

[B]

When somebody says to me, like, he's just always attacking me. Everything. And sometimes my. I've had. I've had friends in the past tell me examples, and I'm not invalidating them, but I'm just like, this. This doesn't sound like you're. Like, he's trying to attack you, but you can only see it through that lens. Maybe you've gotten too far into the down that path. And I mean, obviously, go to therapy. I think relationships are worth working on if you're in love. And obviously therapy's on this list.

[A]

Yeah. And I do think, like, there is a point where you chip away completely your relationship. You have, like, completely shattered the Foundation. You are in a vicious, volatile cycle that is hard to break. It can be done. But I don't know. Sometimes it does feel like there's a point of no return. Someone said, write it out first. I like that. Just. And then also there's a point where you're like, this is so stupid. Like, I've been there. Where you're like, you're trying to tell somebody or something. You're like, you know, I forget it.

[B]

I feel I was on my period. Sometimes I just get so upset or mad about something and I wish that, like I could look back. I wish I could look from the future and be like, you're not gonna care about this later. Just relax, you know?

[A]

Yeah. Someone wrote, their reality is true, my reality is true, even if they're different. And again, we've all experienced this, but if it is all the time, I again don't know that this is the right relationship where you were constantly battling over what happened. I liked when you were reading. Okay, pick your battles. Oh my God, that's. This is the number one. What a hot take. I just think about this all the time. And I think this is really. When you move in with somebody of like. I just think that's a huge shift in a relationship dynamic is when you start cohabitating. I think it's the biggest.

[B]

Or.

[A]

And having kids, obviously those two. The kids more so, but kids too. I mean like the pick your battles that you think of someone that is just constantly irritated by their partner if everything that does annoy you. Again, wrong relationship. But like, can you deal with just them putting the towel on the door? I don't know.

[B]

I've lived three people, but I've gotten so anal since then.

[A]

Yeah, you take this one.

[B]

I guess you just have to say, I mean, it would be hard for me today. I've lived with three partners and you just have to. You just have to let people live. Like, I have a laughed of a lot of self talk in my brain about the way people like stock the refrigerator, leave dishes, leave their socks, leave their shoes. I hate all of it. It all drives me crazy. But you have to say to yourself, I guess it's enough positive. Like, I'm in love and someone's in the house with me.

[A]

Like, you don't have to.

[B]

You might be the new me.

[A]

You might not want to live with somebody.

[B]

I probably do. If I found somebody I really liked and we had good sex and we got along, we laughed a lot.

[A]

It would be tough. I'm a person that likes A clean, tidy house. It would be tough to be with, like, a slob. I don't know how. How some of you do it. So there's that. I just. And again, like, we talked about this years ago, and I've talked about it recently with a friend who runs her own business. Of when you employ people and they're gonna do it 90% perfect of what you want. Like, you have to think of that in your relationship, too. Like, are you really expecting and demanding perfection? Because we're all human, so sometimes your partner is not gonna do everything the way you want it done or you would do it.

[B]

That's also bad.

[A]

But you have to, again, let them live and understand their.

[B]

Cannot.

[A]

Headache, wiping.

[B]

Oh, my God. You just listen. If it was up to me, I would, like, follow somebody around with a dustpan, pushing chairs in after they moved and picking up everything. I just. I can't be like that when I live with somebody. And I wanna be.

[A]

Yeah. Ask someone how you can hear them better or support them. Like Rayna was saying, focus on how you feel versus what they did. I mean, this is where your. Your I statements come in. I'll add in one of my own. I think, again, you approach with these I statements. This made me feel this way, and this is why. And lead with love, of course. And calm yourself down first. And lead with love and respect. And always approach with curiosity. Like, I've said things before, even to you, like, if we've had a conflict, this felt out of character. This is not how I experience you. Typically. I'm not saying this to you right now, but, like, I've said, like, I don't understand what's going on because this hasn't been my experience. And I think in my head, I'm screaming, not to you, to whoever. I know you better than this. You know, that's what I'm screaming in my head. And I'm reframing it to be. Like, we have had this relationship for however many years, and this is not. Not typically how I would expect you to react or how I would have expected this to go down. So I'm just trying to understand.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And, like, again, this is stuff that, like, I am working out in real time, and I can feel my own growth of 10 years ago. And, like, the way I would have just popped off and used more inflammatory language. I think language is so important in tone.

[B]

I've grown up a lot.

[A]

Don't say things you can't take back. I mean, I don't know. This is. This comes with the growth too. Again. Again. It's like. It's just. I don't want to chalk it up to, like, you're just gonna be an in your 20s, but, like, you do grow out of a lot of. A lot of that.

[B]

Yeah. It stops being fun.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Back then, it's just like, hold my beer. I'm about to do something really toxic.

[A]

Okay, so for someone said, like, lower your volume to lower the tension. Calm tone equals calmer outcome. But I saw on here, someone wrote, like, when my partner is too calm, I'm like, I get more mad. Yeah, they feel.

[B]

Well, I mean, is it. Are you being calm to con. Are you being calm to instigate me Patronizing.

[A]

I'm just.

[B]

I've been with people like that that are like, I'm not gonna match your level of how crazy you're being. And that. To me, I remember the boyfriend who'd say to me, like, we can talk when you start calming yourself down or whatever it was. I remember in the beginning of the relationship, I said to my mom, I was like, he just.

[A]

Just never.

[B]

He never escalates, never fights me, really. He's just. He stays, like, super calm. And she goes, oh, that'll get old.

[A]

Well, yes, here it is. I found it. It was in the one that. What makes you feel crazy during a fight? Someone said, he stays overly calm. And I find it instigated.

[B]

I mean, I think people really do fight it because you're just like, I'm really upset, and I'm. I want to make this better. And you don't seem like you care that much or you seem like you're patronizing, maybe. Either way, I don't like. I don't like these.

[A]

Yeah, okay. Yeah, so there's a line there.

[B]

Calm, but not too calm.

[A]

Listen. To understand, not to win. Feeling heard often diffuses conflict fast. Obviously. I mean, people just want to feel heard.

[B]

I'm just laughing at somebody saying calm. It's like, you could be calm, but sell me an experience. I need to know you're a little bit upset. Like, sell it to me.

[A]

But that's the thing. Like, I've dealt with this a few. A few times with Shashank, where I'm like, are you gonna. Are. Are we like, are you gonna say anything? What are. Why are you so calm? Are you gonna.

[B]

Like, if you were Reina, you'd be yelling back at me by now.

[A]

And of course, I'm not doing that to him. I'm doing it for the fact now, you know? Like, I don't get in his face and screaming him. But I'm thinking to myself, like, I just fight with me. Like, not fight with me, but you know what I mean? Say the thing. Say the thing so we can get back on track.

[B]

Like, I'm upset. Can you act like you're upset?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sell me on an experiment.

[A]

Sell me on experiment. Oh, my God. Aim for repair, not perfection.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think. Is that just words? No offense. It's a nice. It's a nice little sound bite.

[B]

Who chat should be David.

[A]

What does that even mean? Y' all got that one from TikTok. Send me the TikTok where you got that repair when.

[B]

What if repair is perfection, I think what it means is, like, don't brush us under the rug way. Like, everything's great. Like, let's repair this.

[A]

Oh, you interpret it that way.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. No, I get it.

[B]

Like, let's not. Let's not act like, you know, everything's perfect. You know, let's.

[A]

Let's fix this up. Got it.

[B]

Sell me on a fixer upper.

[A]

Okay. And we are going to get into the dumbest fights you've ever had with your partner. But I have a question for you. I do want to talk about makeup sex. We had it on here, and we asked, how do fights usually end? 77% said rational discussion and resolution. You guys are so mature. No, I'm just kidding. 8%. One person gives in. 2% makeup sex. And in my more toxic relationship, we always had makeup sex. I could never. With Shashank. If we have had a conflict, I'm, like, sad, and I am the opposite of turned on. Like, when we resolve something, if we have any sort of disagreement, like, we work it out. And I feel closer to him, but I don't feel horny.

[B]

You don't just, like, fuck it out.

[A]

Yeah. And that's. Everybody is different. I have zero judgment surrounding this or any of this stuff.

[B]

Maybe people misinterpreted it.

[A]

No, I think it's normal. I'm. I think it's totally normal, and I don't even think it's unhealthy. I think people work something out and they feel a closeness and they want to. I. I really do think it's normal. I just have been, like. I've just been a little sad. My is sad. Yeah.

[B]

I think some people are just. They feel so distant from their partner.

[A]

Yeah. And you want to be close. We'll be physically close. Like, we'll cuddle up. And again, maybe it's later that night, but at the immediacy is not. I am not, like, horny after having that.

[B]

There's a direct. I don't know what it is, like a parallel correlation to how toxic the relationship was and how much I needed to have.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Like, how sad I felt all day and anxious and it was like the first time you finally feel like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Closeness to.

[A]

Yes. And I totally. And again, I'm not saying that makeup sex goes hand in hand with toxic relationships. I again, like, I think, think conflict resolution brings you closer together. That means you might want to fuck. But for me, I'm just like, okay, so this was like a wild card as we were doing these. I was like, wait, Raina, I want to ask. Dumbest fight you've gotten to with a partner and they delivered. They are insane. Okay, this one is so Raina coded. He stole my teriyaki sauce that I ordered for me. I even asked him if he wanted his own. That's the.

[B]

She.

[A]

She asked. She knew. She saw that coming. I know.

[B]

And she was like, you always steal my teriyaki sauce. And I got ahead of this.

[A]

Yes, exactly.

[B]

He doesn't know how to properly fold a blanket or a towel. Like, I can see that. Just being like, you don't have me with the chores or the housework and everything falls on me. And it's like you just act like we did this whole episode about weaponized incompetence. Like, I can see this happening a lot. Chores.

[A]

Yeah, there's. There is a lot of eating my food. When we had Andrew Collin on, what? Last year, the year before last time we had Andrew Collin on, he talked about the. This fight with Brenna. Did he eat her food? Like, she had saved, like, some. Like a couple pieces of sushi.

[B]

One of them had saved two pieces of sushi.

[A]

It was like World War iii.

[B]

If I'd haunt his kids when I died or not. His kids? What do you mean, if I haunt his kids when I died? So I guess she's the stepmom.

[A]

They fought over that. Yeah, they had a fight about it. This was the first one I saw. When asked what type of animal I am, he said, killer whale.

[B]

Like, I would really need to know what the fuck you meant by that.

[A]

Well, if you.

[B]

If you are a killer or a big personality, I love a killer whale.

[A]

That's. That's blackfish, right?

[B]

No one cared more about blackfish than me.

[A]

Yeah, like, that's Shamu, right?

[B]

Like those.

[A]

The bad, badass looking whale. If she is worried about her weight, you don't call someone a whale like If Shashanka said killer whale, I'd be like, dope. But if I was struggling with my weight, I'd be like, you're a fucking asshole.

[B]

Are we talking about vibes or are we talking about body sh.

[A]

Yes. Leaving me in a Trader Joe's and checking out separately.

[B]

That time you and I got on the plane separately.

[A]

Well, you know a couple that. They got off the plane and he went to baggage claim without her. They've broken up, but that was insane. That was the most insane things I've ever heard.

[B]

We know a couple that got into Penn Station and she got into a car and he walked home.

[A]

What? Oh, my God.

[B]

He put an open package of chicken in the freezer. No Saran Wrap? No Baggie. I mean, again, no. This all goes into, like, why everything fall on me.

[A]

Just chicken. A lot of this type of energy. I asked him if I was the most beautiful woman in the world to him, and he said, no, that's jail. Divorce.

[B]

Ask you.

[A]

No.

[B]

Let me ask you.

[A]

What?

[B]

I feel like this is, like a common meme fight. But I wonder if couples actually do this. I have no. I have no touch point to this. Like when people say, like, if I was an aunt, would you still love me?

[A]

No, I hate this. If I was like a slug, would you still love me? No. Absolutely not. I'm not a weirdo. If you're anything but a human. No, I like this fight.

[B]

What if. If I died, would you. Would you marry again?

[A]

I'd be like, wouldn't you want me to be happy?

[B]

I think you just gotta lie and just be like, no, I'd be alone forever.

[A]

I can't picture it.

[B]

Getting married again.

[A]

Yeah. And I think that's so much more of a female trait. Is their husband dying and not marrying again? Men typically move on quicker. Yeah.

[B]

He'll be like, yeah, I'll be walking down the street tomorrow. I'll meet my next wife.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think that's a nice response, though, if you're trying to not start a fight. I couldn't imagine such a thing.

[A]

That is the way to start a fight is, if I died, would you marry again or be with somebody?

[B]

I mean, I cannot tell you how many chore things about paper towels. The way people clean the mirror. I mean, people just. Women really feel like. Men pretend like they can't do stuff.

[A]

This one I'm upset about. My husband wouldn't wear the Hawaiian shirt with my face all over it on vacation. That's a vacation shirt. Why would you not wear that?

[B]

I actually Thought you were gonna take the shirt.

[A]

Did you bring argument? No, that's what. When you're supposed to wear it.

[B]

Also, I just. I mean, you and I, it's important us to be with somebody that has, like, a sense of humor about themselves, you know? He didn't know what penne pasta was. I don't know that we would have a fight. It would give me the ick.

[A]

Wait, do you know my. Like, our pasta thing? The. Our first date. I don't know if you know this about me, because it's kind of embarrassing.

[B]

Yeah, but it's like a food. You don't have food. Stuff.

[A]

Stuff. Well, okay, Raina, But. So I didn't know this was our very first date in 2023. We're at Alice in New York. And I didn't. I thought cacio e pepe was just spaghetti. I thought it was a very specific type of pasta. I thought it was obviously the sauce, the salt and pepper. I know what it means, whatever. But I thought it was only spaghetti. Like, I thought that was a dish.

[B]

The noodle. Like. Like penne vodka comes with.

[A]

Yeah, I thought it was a dish. Okay. And he was like, cashio e pepe is like. Like, can be any pasta. I said, no way. Absolutely not. Sure enough, we got cashew e pepe ravioli or whatever the fuck. And I was like, oh, you're right. That was like our first thing. And I was like, no way.

[B]

I'm gonna validate you on this one.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I actually. I mean, I haven't been in the cacio e pepe is a style. So, I mean, if you know about food, you know that, like, yes, ravioli can be cacio e pepe style. I mean, anything can be cacio e pepe style. But I think the mainstream, most common interpretation of this specific pasta dish is spaghetti.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Anything could also be carbonara. I think people have a specific idea of the type of noodles that come with carbonara.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like fettuccine noodles or spaghetti type noodles. So I'm gonna validate you on this.

[A]

Okay, thank you.

[B]

I think that that's. I think that some people don't know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I appreciate your commitment to not being wrong. You're like, I'm just not. If I don't admit I'm wrong. I'm not wrong.

[A]

Well, I was wrong. Okay. He said, bring your big ass back here.

[B]

He said a compliment, like, bring that big ass back here.

[A]

I mean, Shashank, language that men use about your body. Like, he has said to me, I Can't even believe I'm going to say this on air.

[B]

Like, I still, I remember exactly where we were.

[A]

He has said to me like once or twice, because I've remember that I can remember them specifically that I looked jacked. And he meant toned. I'm not, I'm not jacked. Like, I like, but he meant like, toned. Like I can see the definition defined toned. And I was like, it's not jacked. Never stop calling.

[B]

I'm not the Rock.

[A]

No, like, I'm not like, like jacked. Don't. Unless. If a woman is really working out a bunch and she's crossfitting, she wants to be super big and muscular, I think that's an appropriate word. I don't want to hear that word. No offense. If that's what you want to hear.

[B]

I'm gonna validate this one too. I really think that women have been tormented and badgered about their bodies their entire lives. And I think it can be like a one second thing of like, I didn't mean that word like that. Great, let's move on. But I think that women have been picked apart their entire lives about how they look. And we're a little sensitive about certain words being applied to our bodies, our faces, our hair, our everything. And that's fine.

[A]

Yeah. I told them, don't use that word again. That Ford is banned. Okay. I would show him a meme or he'd say he already saw it on Reddit three days ago. No shared laughs. That's a red flag. Like you, if you are always sending memes to your partner and they say, I've seen this already.

[B]

Ew.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I have to, like, hold myself back from saying it to people because it's just, no one's trying to hear that.

[A]

I, this is a deeper discussion. Like, I just wouldn't do somebody like that. Like, every once in a while, like, my brother will, we send a lot of memes back and forth and I'll be like, like, oh, my God, I saw the other day and I died over it. My intention is not to be like, you're late on this. Like, my intention is to be like, oh, my God, I, I literally, like, I died over that the other day. But like, I, I, people send me stuff all the time that I've seen. I don't feel the need to tell them.

[B]

I, I mean, unless I'm saying, like, if you think I have been involved in this all morning.

[A]

Right. If it's like, embarrassingly late. Yeah. Like, we have one friend that she will be Sending stuff so late, Me not loading the dishwasher correctly. Even though everything gets clean, you cannot fight about this. Do not fight about how you load the dishwasher. I'm telling you. Like, the way I load the dishwasher is so chaotic and crazy looking. Like, I remember one time Bobby Westside came over and took a picture and he was like, what is going. What is going on with this girl?

[B]

It's crazy that you are so anal about laundry and dishwasher. Do not care.

[A]

Your.

[B]

Your vibes is. It'll get.

[A]

That's true. But I'm just like, whoever loads it can load it however they want. Water gets all up in there. It gets clean. My parents had this fight my whole life. Like, this is one of their arguments around the house is how they would load the dishwasher. And I'm like, whoever loads it can do whatever they want. You. You. There is no right or wrong. Stop telling people how to do this.

[B]

My mom was like, military style this. I mean, watch me fucking pack this thing. I have never cared about anything less. It is. I got other stuff going on. And we will turn this on and it'll get washed and it doesn't get washed. We'll run it through again. Like, it's not even like the washing machine, which is way more water to waste. Like. Yeah, I've never cared about a single thing less.

[A]

Totally.

[B]

What's the difference?

[A]

Yes. Whoever's loading it, it. It's their method.

[B]

Like, I always put silverware with, like, the prongs up, knives down. But like, spoons, forks up. I think it's so weird when people put them down, but if they get clean, who cares?

[A]

Well, in my mom's defense, my dad does knife up.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

He says the knife cuts the thing.

[B]

Knife up.

[A]

He's like, the knife will, like, wear away at the.

[B]

The bottom.

[A]

The. Yeah, like.

[B]

So you'd rather just get stabbed.

[A]

Silverware hole. Yeah. So you'd rather slit mom's wrist? That's insane. What are we doing here? So she has a right to be mad. I love him, but I'm on her side for this one. Okay, so in conclusion, everybody fights except for rich A listers, apparently.

[B]

Yeah, you're not in the same bucket as those people.

[A]

And I just always want to remind people, you can have amazing chemistry with people. They can make you laugh, you can have fun with them. You can have stuff in common. But if you were fighting common constantly, or you cannot seem to find common ground and handle conflict healthily, that may not be your person like it's a big piece of the puzzle is how you manage conflict together.

[B]

Totally agree.

[A]

Okay, well, Raina's tour this week.

[B]

Yeah, it starts this week. I'll see you guys on the road. Ashley will see you in Florida with me and come fight with us. No, just kidding. But we'll see you guys. I'm really, really excited. And that's it. I hope you like the episode.

[A]

Yes. So her tickets are@raina greenberg.com girls gotta eat.com girls gotta eat. Podcast, Instagram and TikTok. I am Ash Hess. Raina is Raina Greenberg. Subscribe on YouTube. Share this episode with a friend. Leave a comment on YouTube or Spotify or wherever you are watching or listening, and we will see you Thursday.

[B]

Have a good week, guys.

[A]

Bye, Sam.