“I Love My Husband (Who Hates Me)”

Summary

Girls Gotta Eat – Episode Summary

Episode: “I Love My Husband (Who Hates Me)”

Release Date: March 30, 2026
Hosts: Ashley Hesseltine & Rayna Greenberg
Podcast: Girls Gotta Eat (Dear Media)

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Ashley and Rayna dive into the viral Cut article, "I Love My Husband (Who Hates Me)" by Bindu Bansanath, to explore a peculiar yet unnervingly common relationship dynamic: women who defend their partners' bad behavior—even as those partners belittle and disrespect them publicly. They unpack why this dynamic persists, how it manifests in pop culture and real life, and the psychological and societal forces that keep people trapped in these cycles.

Between genuinely thoughtful insights and the show’s signature humor, the co-hosts also field listener emails, swap stories about spicy food, relationships, and self-worth, and underline why everyone deserves to feel seen, supported, and respected in their relationship.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Friendship Updates, Food Tangents, and Life Lately

• Food & Cooking Chats (00:30–01:44)

  • Ashley shares her latest obsession with poached calamari, shrimp, and crab salads, using the Kitchen Sink app.
  • Rayna discusses Shashank’s (her husband) egg drop sandwich and bagel creations, the fun of cooking together, and the tiny kitchen gadgets that bring joy to their household.
  • Memorable Moment: Ashley is self-aware about her culinary purity:

    “I really like poached calamari...dropped in salted lemon water, taken out raw dog. You drop it in for 60 seconds, it’s cooked." (00:45)

  • Tangents about regretful manicures, food trends, and Whole Foods bagels ignite playful banter.

• Pop culture hot takes and navigating social media (06:15–16:10)

  • The pressures and pitfalls of public commenting—how a comment can spiral beyond your control, and the emotional aftermath of going viral.
  • The hazards of leaving popular comments, the mob mentality in replies, and the importance of not “feeding the trolls.”

2. Double Standards & Social Media Projections

• Photo Carousel Drama (06:22–13:17)
  • Ashley discusses the social media backlash after she posted a carousel of friends—minus Rayna—leading fans to suspect a podcast breakup.
  • “Over my dead body are we breaking up.” – Ashley (07:44)
  • The gendered double standard: Rayna can vacation with her husband, but Ashley hanging with friends without Rayna causes uproar.
  • Both hosts reflect on parasocial relationships and how fans internalize or misinterpret female friendships online.

3. The Allure of Spice and Pain

• Spicy Food and Psychology (21:00–28:22)
  • Rayna ponders why people love spicy food despite physical discomfort, concluding it’s “benign masochism”—people enjoying the endorphin high.
  • “I just think people want to feel something.” – Rayna (22:44)
  • Parallels are drawn between thrill-seeking (roller coasters, horror movies) and the rush from capsaicin.
  • “Maybe I have a pain kink.” – Ashley (27:21)

4. Main Topic Deep Dive: “I Love My Husband (Who Hates Me)”

Article Overview & Reactions (32:13–38:45)

• The Cut’s article investigates cases where women defend men who are objectively unkind or disrespectful to them—often in public.
• Rayna shares:

  “Nothing inspires rage like a woman who defends her partner’s bad behavior.” (32:30)

• Pop culture examples cited include Bravo’s Summerhouse (Kyle and Amanda), Vanderpump Rules, Southern Charm, and celebrity couples like Kristen Bell & Dax Shepard.
• The pattern: public humiliation of partners, followed by private defense, and appeals to “you don’t know him like I do.”

Why Do Women Stay & Defend Bad Behavior? (38:45–44:11)

• Possible reasons:
  • A sense of sunk-cost fallacy (“We’ve been together so long”).
  • Trauma, insecurity, self-worth, and replicating patterns learned in childhood.
  • Societal conditioning in patriarchal systems.
• Insightful Quote:

  “Nobody’s horrible 100% of the time…no one case is ever the same.” – Rayna (40:08)

• The double-edged sword of venting:
  • When women share negative stories about their partners with friends, then defend the very behavior when friends react.
  • “You almost feel like you’re judging me for having chosen this person.” – Ashley (42:04)

Social Dynamics & the Role of Friends (42:25–50:23)

• Sharing negative experiences can help women eventually seek change, but it can also backfire, causing them to become defensive or isolated.

• Projection & Secondhand Embarrassment:

  “Their experiences hit close to home. The treatment they seem to normalize for themselves reminds us of what we might once have normalized for ourselves.” (42:27)

• Triangulation: The “us against the world” mentality further isolates the person in an unhealthy relationship.

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Listener Emails: Real-Life Dilemmas

1. The “Sensitive” Partner (61:58)

• Summary:
  A listener describes her partner's incessant public digs (“You know her, she always exaggerates”) and feels diminished and on edge. He insists she’s too sensitive.
• Response:
  Both hosts underline that persistent public humiliation isn’t a personality quirk or “just jokes”—it’s valid to want basic respect.
  • “Why is your comfortability important and mine isn’t?” – Ashley (62:36)

2. The “Not a Words of Affirmation Guy” (67:03)

• Summary:
  Another listener feels unseen; her partner never compliments her or shows verbal appreciation, even though he does acts of service (coffee, chores).
• Response:
  Words of affirmation matter; it’s not “being needy” to want to feel desired.
  • “I just want to lay in bed with somebody and have them tell me how obsessed they are with me and ask me a million questions about every single thing I do.” – Ashley (72:50)
• Balancing love languages matters, but “why do you get to be comfortable and I don’t?” (73:07)

Overarching Messages

• You are not difficult for setting boundaries or needing affirmation.
• If your partner refuses to meet you halfway—or shames you for your needs—reconsider staying.
• Therapy (especially couples therapy) is a suggested recourse when communication fails.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On double standards:

  “People accept that you can do stuff with your husband without me, but I can’t do stuff with our friends without you. That’s a double standard and I don’t appreciate it.” – Ashley (13:02)

• On benign masochism:

  “Spicy food is primarily enjoyed for the rush of pleasure caused by endorphins and dopamine releasing in response to the perceived pain of heat.” – Rayna (22:44)

• On defending disrespect:

  “It is uncomfortable to be around. And you say to yourself, how could you tolerate this? But…time spent with somebody is important to people, and it’s hard to extricate yourself.” – Ashley (40:08)

• On keeping score:

  “There’s a difference…between writing down every single thing somebody does… and just making a couple notes about how something made you feel. If you want to call it keeping score, I don’t know what to tell you. But I’m entitled to take some notes.” – Ashley (47:03)

• On self-worth:

  “Being in a relationship with a man that is breaking you down, it’s ruining who you are…You can get it back.” – Rayna (44:11)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Topic / Highlight | |-----------|-------------------| | 00:30 | Catching up: food, cooking, daily life | | 06:15 | Pop culture, manicures, high-stakes Instagram commenting | | 13:17 | Reflections on online reactions and friendship dynamics | | 21:00 | Why do we like spicy food? Psychology of pain and thrill-seeking | | 32:13 | Introduction to “I Love My Husband (Who Hates Me)” article | | 38:45 | Why women defend partners’ bad behavior | | 42:25 | Social and psychological explanations; friend reactions | | 49:19 | Triangulation and toxic “us vs. the world” dynamics | | 61:58 | Listener email: public digs, “you’re too sensitive” | | 67:03 | Listener email: “not a words of affirmation guy” | | 72:50 | “I just want to lay in bed with somebody and have them tell me how obsessed they are with me…” – Ashley | | 78:28 | Final thoughts: break up with your boyfriend if standards aren’t met |

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Takeaways

• Respect in relationships is non-negotiable; it’s not just a “quirk” if your partner consistently embarrasses, belittles, or refuses to affirm you.
• Venting to friends is natural—but don’t shoot the messenger when they validate your pain.
• You deserve to feel desired, appreciated, and secure in both public and private.
• If the pattern persists, don’t be afraid to leave, seek therapy, or accept help from friends (or “strangers on the Internet”).
• Humor is a coping mechanism, but not a solution for pain inflicted by a partner.

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For More

• Girls Gotta Eat Live Show: May 7th, LA, Palace Theater (tickets here)
• Instagram: @girlsgottaeatpodcast, @ashhess, @raina.greenberg
• Full video: Available on Spotify & YouTube

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Closing encouragement:
If you feel unseen, disrespected, or constantly on edge in your relationship, it doesn’t have to be your “normal.” Set your standards, seek support, and—if you need permission—break up with your boyfriend.

Transcript

[Ashley Hess]

The behavior of you shared this with your friends and now your friends don't like this person and they're like coming at you and you snap into this, like, defensive mode. You almost feel like you're judging me for having chosen this person.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah. This podcast is a Dear Media production.

[Ashley Hess]

Hi, guys.

[Raina Greenberg]

Hi, guys.

[Ashley Hess]

Welcome back to another episode of Girls Got to Eat.

[Raina Greenberg]

Raina just revealed to me she's been making her own calamari that is so high level with the kitchen sink app, I'm assuming. Calamari with the kitchen sink app downloaded on the app store. What are you saying?

[Ashley Hess]

I mean, I really like poached calamari, which a lot of people don't like. They like grilled or fried, obviously. But I like it just like dropped in salted lemon water, taken out raw dog. You drop it in for 60 seconds, it's cooked, and you slice it into the rings. I like tentacles too. And I mix it up with like sun dried tomato oil and sun dried tomatoes and some olives. And I just like, eat it throughout the week. It's a nice snack in my fridge.

[Raina Greenberg]

Okay. Yeah. You are a calamari purist, love. So you're not frying it at home?

[Ashley Hess]

No, I would sear it a little bit if I had to, but not for this recipe. And it's cheap.

[Raina Greenberg]

It's $10 a pound at Whole Foods right now.

[Ashley Hess]

This week, the calamari.

[Raina Greenberg]

This week at Whole Guys, Calamari's cheap right now. Gas expensive calamari.

[Ashley Hess]

Calamari cheap. I've been doing that. I've been like crab salad and shrimp salad. I've just been like, cooking at home standing for and then I go to Whole Foods. Okay.

[Raina Greenberg]

Just making the rounds.

[Ashley Hess]

Oh, shrimp. Grilled shrimp.

[Raina Greenberg]

That's so wholesome. That's what I've been up to. Also.

[Ashley Hess]

I have to tell you something.

[Raina Greenberg]

I did this.

[Ashley Hess]

Well, should we thank our partners?

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah, I have a food thing too.

[Ashley Hess]

Okay.

[Raina Greenberg]

Okay.

[Ashley Hess]

Thank you. To Rocket Money. Reach your financial goals faster@rocket money.com GGE and Shopify. See how easy it is to start your own [e-mail] GGE and thank you.

[Raina Greenberg]

To Revolve, get 15% off your first order at Revolve.com GGE with code GGE and the Testaments. Watch the new Hulu original series, The Testaments, premiering April 8 on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus for bundle subscribers. Okay, we're going to get into it, but I just want to take a moment to remind you guys that we have a Show here on May 7th in LA with the Netflix is a joke festival at the Palace Theater. It's a Thursday night. We are so excited. It is the only show we have together planned on the books. Who's to say? But this is your chance to see us do our iconic girls. Got each show here in la, so stay. Such fun things planned. I have a call this week to lock in some stuff. I am so excited.

[Ashley Hess]

And if you guys have never been to a girls Gotti show, it is just the best night. Bring your girlfriends, bring your partner, bring your mom, bring your grandma. Obviously bring your girlfriends and your grandma. But it's just the most positive, fun, uplifting, beautiful vibe in that room. I miss it so much. I know I'm loving my tour and it's really wonderful. But like I'm on stage and I'm like, man, I miss being on stage with you. I miss the energy of just the strippers and the cryo and the T shirt guns and all of it. And I have loved every minute of it. But I told you the other day, it's really made me appreciate what we do more.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah. And I mean, I understand, like I love my solo career too, just like you do. But there's nothing more fun than what we do together. I cannot wait to shoot a T shirt gun. Right? You just said it. I just like cannot wait to feel my yard.

[Ashley Hess]

If you want just miss it.

[Raina Greenberg]

So get those tickets. We just cannot wait. Beautiful theater and make a night of it. And there's so many different shows that week. Obviously. Just take a look at the lineup after you get tickets to our show. And we can't wait to see you guys again. It is really what we need right now. You know, the show is truly so fun, hilarious. You'll laugh till you cry. We keep everything really light and you just can forget about the outside world for 2 hours, 90 minutes. And we can't wait to see you guys there. So tickets are gonna [e-mail] just go to our website, hit live shows and the ticket link will be right there. Or if you're on the Netflix as a joke website, we're there too. Just search. Girls gotta eat. However you wanna do it. Same ticket.

[Ashley Hess]

May 7:00pm Nice and early so that we can bed by 9:30.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah, let's go to dinner after.

[Ashley Hess]

You may downtown.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah. Or well, friends there and stuff.

[Ashley Hess]

You guys could be in bed by 9:30. You and me?

[Raina Greenberg]

Who?

[Ashley Hess]

You and me?

[Raina Greenberg]

I mean other people. Like we usually be doing it.

[Ashley Hess]

No, we can do it. I'm Glad you brought this up. I'm going to circle back to this as well. Oh, God. So. May 7th, Palace Theater, 7pm Girls, gotta eat dot com. We'll see you guys there. It will be so much fun. And I told. I told you I did something so brave yesterday.

[Raina Greenberg]

What?

[Ashley Hess]

I mean, the bravest thing that a woman can do. So I got my nails painted and I had to try a different color. And I've been, like, looking at the color you have, and it's like a really nice just. It's like the bubble bunny.

[Raina Greenberg]

No, this is Opi. Let's be friends. Which I do a whole bit about that colorist.

[Ashley Hess]

Yeah. Oh, okay. So I really like that. And I was like, I only do red or white, and I just wanted something in between. And so I got this nail color and it was, like, looking a little fleshy. And I was like, I don't like it. I want it to be like yours is leaning, like, not fleshy looking.

[Raina Greenberg]

I know.

[Ashley Hess]

And so I texted my nail girl yesterday and I was like, can we change the color to come back?

[Raina Greenberg]

Oh, you left. I left. And you went back.

[Ashley Hess]

Three days went by and I texted her and I was like, can I change the nail color? And she was like, if you can come right now, we can change it. And I was like, I'll be there in 10 minutes. And. And she put a coat of white on top of it, and now I hate it.

[Raina Greenberg]

Oh, my God. Wait, you didn't take it off completely. She just went white on top.

[Ashley Hess]

She had to buff off the top layer. So, like, it did include some work. She had to buffer off the clear and put this on. And I hate it. It's white.

[Raina Greenberg]

It is. It's like white out nails.

[Ashley Hess]

I want your color.

[Raina Greenberg]

I know.

[Ashley Hess]

I should have asked you what you

[Raina Greenberg]

did when I got the gold nails and then I had her come back to change them, and I still was just like, I don't like them.

[Ashley Hess]

Yeah, that's the worst.

[Raina Greenberg]

Like, when you have done a nail change and you still don't like it,

[Ashley Hess]

I feel like I, I, I like white in the summer, but now I'm just. I keep looking at this. This looks like highlighter white out. White out. That's what? White out? Yeah, in the summer, it doesn't feel like this.

[Raina Greenberg]

They still look nice. Nail regret is so real. We blew the lid off of that a couple years ago. Yeah, it's real.

[Ashley Hess]

Okay. So another thing about our friendship I want to talk to you about.

[Raina Greenberg]

Okay. I. Oh, God.

[Ashley Hess]

I put up this post on Instagram And I had been in New York for, like, two weeks without you. You went on your honeymoon.

[Raina Greenberg]

You were.

[Ashley Hess]

You're ob. Invited to everything. I do always. You were on your honeymoon with your husband in Singapore. And I hung out with a lot of our friends, took all these photos. I put up this carousel of, like, photos and food. And it's people that people have seen on my Instagram a lot. It's Jeremy and Emily and our publicist, Alana. And, like, it's my very longtime good friends and a lot of food. And I captioned it food. I like people. I love people fucking cooked me in the comments for not including photos of you. People were like, is this the end of the podcast? Where's Ashley? Did you read the comments on that post?

[Raina Greenberg]

But I commented, oh, yeah. I just wrote, oh, which is why I hear, oh. And okay, if girls got to eat.

[Ashley Hess]

Comments to you. Oh, it's Ashley. And I'm hilariously laughing.

[Raina Greenberg]

No, I do okay a lot.

[Ashley Hess]

It's hilarious.

[Raina Greenberg]

And I like using people's name. Like, last week, someone had the audacity to say some shit about Shashank. I wrote, okay, Shirley. I just. Something about using someone's name. You went to their profile, you looked at their name, and it's kind of saying your name is stupid.

[Ashley Hess]

One person one time commented on one of my reels about my tour and was like, oh, how original was a man? How original. Women talking about sex. And I said, like, thanks so much, Frank. I'll take this into account the next time I Plan A30C exactly.

[Raina Greenberg]

But I love an okay. Okay. But I wrote, oh has like, hundreds of likes. I didn't go deeper in the comments

[Ashley Hess]

than that cooked you guys. People be like, I can't believe you posted that, Ashley. That's bold to post without Ashley. Some girls like, are you guys breaking up? I'm commenting back with people. Over my dead body are we breaking up? Somebody said, is this the soft launch of the podcast? You guys, stop.

[Raina Greenberg]

This is crazy. Why aren't you saying that about my honeymoon pics?

[Ashley Hess]

Where's Raina? That's what I'm saying. Where's Raina? I actually took a vacation. Without me? Was anybody asking? I was laughing, so. And also, I didn't caption it. Like, food. I like the only people I love. I just wrote, people I love. People were like, what the.

[Raina Greenberg]

I do. I think it was the caption. Right? That's why people got triggered up, probably.

[Ashley Hess]

And then you left a comment which was. I mean, it made me laugh so hard. Shashank Got in there, too.

[Raina Greenberg]

So can I just tell you, I'm glad you brought this up. I have been learning the hard way about leaving comments that take off because it can be a real mixed bag. So as soon as the video came out about Taylor, Frankie, Paul, which we will have discussed last week on the snack, at this point, I thought I had the hottest take. I had not heard this yet, and I still think I'm the one that came up with this. But I said Dakota sitting on that tape was like Stephen from Tell Me Lies. So I was like, I'm commenting this the first chance I get. So the chicks in the office had posted something. This is where they canceled the Bachelorette, by the way, which was a bombshell that happened, what, 10 minutes later, but

[Ashley Hess]

the bombs kept going off.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yes, exactly. So I just write under the chicks in the office post about the video. I was just like, dakota, is Stephen from Tell Me Lies sitting on that tape? Something like that. And it got. It went crazy. People mostly liked it, but then some people did it and they were like, this ain't it or something. And I'm just like, oh, my.

[Ashley Hess]

Oh, my God.

[Raina Greenberg]

Like, I don't care. You know, this was funny and the metaphor was fun. Not the situation is funny, but the metaphor and the people. Well, he didn't release it.

[Ashley Hess]

No, no, no.

[Raina Greenberg]

I'm like, oh, my. I'm just. It's just a joke. It's just a metaphor of, like, he had this incriminating tape. It's just a comparison of this thing. Whatever. People took it, like, so out of context. Most people really, really liked it. And it blew up as, like, thousands and thousands of likes. Yeah. And it was mostly positive. But you get inundated with the responses and you can't turn them off. Like, I pop open my feed and

[Ashley Hess]

I'm like, oh, my.

[Raina Greenberg]

It's hundreds and hundreds of people commenting back. And I'. Whatever. I'm not triggered. If people disagree with me or want to hate on me. I don't. I made a funny comment, and most people liked it. And then yesterday on Brian Kelly's the Points Guy post, I said something about ICE being paid and TSA workers not. And the first person that commented back to me was an insane, incoherent, idiotic string of word salad. It was nuts. It was like, didn't deserve a response. Was like a really unintelligent, uninformed person said a bunch of shit. But then everyone jumped down their neck and. Yeah. Jumped down their throat, whatever. And I get inundated with that. Like, I don't. I don't know if it's worth it sometimes, like, I think I have a thing I want to say, and I don't know, like, is this. Is this worth it for me?

[Ashley Hess]

Well, that's why I stopped to be inundated. You know, I was like the number one troll, like, in, like, Page Six comments and people. And I was just like, it's not unless it's me, like, commenting on some random guy's videos about how sexy he is. And then, like, all of our listeners are like, yes, Queen, we need to be in here. Like, that makes me laugh. But other than that, I'm like, it's not necessarily worth it, I guess.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah. It's like, if something is purely just funny, it's not controversial at all. But I really thought the tape thing, people would just get the joke, you know?

[Ashley Hess]

But they took it, and some people

[Raina Greenberg]

did not like it.

[Ashley Hess]

It's so interesting to me because I. I mean, you are the very. I'm by far the first person I ever heard say that. But tons of people are saying that. I'm seeing all the comments. Like, I mean, I really. We will have talked about this. I'm enjoying listening to everybody's opinions about this. I mean, everybody has a side, and no one's totally wrong. And I'm enjoying listening to everybody's feedback about the situation.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah. So at this point, we will have discussed it. So if you guys want to hear our full thoughts. That was last Thursday. We're not just, like, brushing it all aside with this one, like, comment I left, but I just. Last night, I said to Shashank, I was like, I don't know if this is worth it. Like, I don't even know if you can. Once you start to become, like, a top comment, someone will find a reason to. Someone will push back or insult you in some way. Like, there was something that the. The Eagles posted that they fired one of their coaches, and this kid had just gone viral for saying that coach needed to be fired. And I just wrote that kid on the news was right or something that kid on the news called it. And even some people had to be like, he's dying. And I'm like, oh, my God. I just. It's just a joke.

[Ashley Hess]

I stopped doing it. It's just, we can't have nice things sometimes. It's this kind of nice thing. Yes, exactly. To close the loop on what I said, I actually was not thinking about you leaving the comment at all. I don't. I don't care about one way or the other people just, like, were, like, so stunned that I had this whole roundup of. It is weird. Like, I. I can't imagine another scenario in the world where I'd have like an 18 photo roundup. Except for you were on another continent and I was somewhere for two weeks. Other than that, you guys, I'll never do it again. I have another public apology. I have a Q1 roundup. Maybe I'll drop it today. Okay. Ooh, I have a Q1 roundup. You're in tons of them. All of them. Some might say I've stuff from our Miami trip in Tampa. And like, I have. It's a Q1 roundup, so I'll drop it today.

[Raina Greenberg]

But I have all this content that you're not into because it's like, from Singapore. It's just like, this is a time in our lives we are doing some separate stuff.

[Ashley Hess]

People accept that you can do stuff with your husband without me, but I can't do stuff with our friends without you. And that's a double standard and I don't appreciate it. Okay. If she can take a trip with her husband that I'm not included in that I can take a trip at the same time to try to enjoy my life while she's in Singapore.

[Raina Greenberg]

Go off queen. I support it. You know what else?

[Ashley Hess]

With comments, I'm really surprised. So I don't want to say who

[Raina Greenberg]

this was or which post it was

[Ashley Hess]

because I don't want them to get dragged. But speaking of Taylor, Frankie, Paul, there is a. One of her more, more recent posts, kind of like a celebrity commented on it. She'd put like two hearts. And I think she was just trying to, like, show some support for this person that is probably having a really tough time. And some people, of course, will say she deserves it. And I'm not here to discuss either side of that fence, but people went so hard at this person. There was hundreds of comments below it. And I think she was just trying to show a little bit of support during a hard time. People dragged her so hard and I was like, at what point are you allowed to just delete it? I don't think I have the stomach to, like, have 100 plus people comment back at me.

[Raina Greenberg]

Right.

[Ashley Hess]

I don't think I'm built for it.

[Raina Greenberg]

You know what? There was something I did. I don't. I'm not even going to do it because people get all riled up again that I posted and no one got that I was being, like, sarcastic. I can't remember what my Comment was, but it was the AOC said the girls are fighting or something like that.

[Ashley Hess]

Was it him and Elon Musk?

[Raina Greenberg]

Was it? Yeah, maybe. And I commented something and I was like, being sarcastic, but people jumped down my throat again. I was like, nope, absolutely not. Don't think. I don't know the reference. And I, like, deleted it. But it's interesting because when you have the power of all these people fighting in the comments, not with you, but under Brian Kelly's post, for example. So all these people have put so much time and energy into their comments, and they're all infighting under my comments. So I could just do delete. I don't need this in my life. And all of their hard work, you know, like, people take a lot of time to write thoughtful things back and rebuttals and all this stuff. And I'm able to just be like, no, thanks.

[Ashley Hess]

Not under my comment, but sometimes even my own posts, I see people, like, popping off back and forth and arguing. And like, I'm like, I do like the engagement, but I don't really want this on my page.

[Raina Greenberg]

I've done it every once in a while. Yeah, stuff gets really toxic. Get out of here. Not under my pictures. Yeah, no, I'm just trying to have a good time. Post a carousel.

[Ashley Hess]

Can't I have anything nice?

[Raina Greenberg]

What did you have to say about food?

[Ashley Hess]

I don't understand what's been going on at your house. I mean, I know that Shashank is like doing kitchen sink app. And so you guys are just cooking. You're just. You're cooking. You're letting him cook. I actually get excited to look at his Instagram stories on Saturday and Sunday morning specifically. Cause I'm like, what is he up to? He made these sandwiches and he bought these, like, special sandwich boxes. And I was like, did you guys order food? I'm confused. I thought you were cooking. And he was like, no, I bought them special sandwiches.

[Raina Greenberg]

I mean, this is just not new for him. Like, he's so cutie about what he wants to do in the kitchen. Like, he has bought so many different gadgets. Like, he has a vision and he wants to execute it. So he wanted to make these Korean egg drop sandwiches.

[Ashley Hess]

Korean egg sandwiches are unbelievable. You have this really thick, toasty bread. They sort of slice halfway down the middle and they slice stuff it with like, really, like wet kind of like not soupy eggs, but like soft scrambled eggs. It's so divine. It's unbelievable.

[Raina Greenberg]

That sandwich he made, he posted it. It's on the Kitchen Sink's Instagram, the way he executed via the app. So kitchensink app on Instagram, you can go see a photo of it that I took. It was unbelievable. He had been talking about it all week. He was like, just wait till Saturday. I have this surprise. And it was like the best breakfast sandwich I've ever. Best sandwich I've ever had in my life. But yes, he wanted to have the execution be in like a little box. So he found these online because they

[Ashley Hess]

have to stand up because you have to, like, eat it from the top. You can't like, eat it. Like, you have to eat it like an ice cream cone kind of.

[Raina Greenberg]

Right. Like, you can't hit it from the back. Like, I picked it up to look at the back and he was like, don't eat it from the back. You eat it from the back. You eat this from the back. But so yes, like, he has these ideas and it's really cute. I mean, that's why this app is so natural to what he has already been doing.

[Ashley Hess]

Okay. And then you guys this weekend made bagels with four different toppings. I was like, I want to be Ashley when I grow up. You just, you're just hanging out.

[Raina Greenberg]

I didn't see that coming. He ran off to the store. We didn't have any eggs.

[Ashley Hess]

Eggs didn't look that good.

[Raina Greenberg]

He made a mistake with the scrambled on the thing. No, there was one. He made four. I'll post on the screen if you guys are watching on YouTube or Spotify. Just one was kind of a mess. And we both agreed because, you know, I don't want a wet tomato with eggs.

[Ashley Hess]

So here's my problem with all open faced sandwiches. Bagel sandwiches, la, it's like very prominent. You just. It's not a New York thing. Everything in LA is served open faced. It's wet. All of them are so wet. I can't like bite into the food. Everything just slides all over the place. They put olive oil all over the fucking bagels here. It makes me feel crazy. And there's so many bagel places that I love, but I have to be like, please don't put olive oil all over this bagel. It's already bad enough for me. I'm all scared.

[Raina Greenberg]

I know. Yeah. The tomato with the scrambled eggs was a miss. And he knows that. And here's my tip.

[Ashley Hess]

Okay. You put cream cheese down.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah. There's cream cheese on all of them.

[Ashley Hess]

Make the eggs omelette style.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah, exactly. It should have been a fried egg.

[Ashley Hess]

Yeah.

[Raina Greenberg]

But even then, I don't know that. I want a wet tomato and a good in season tomato is juicy, and I don't know if these really go together. I don't want tomato in an omelette.

[Ashley Hess]

I do want it sometimes, but it is a wet veggie.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah, it's not. I don't need it.

[Ashley Hess]

Also, if you're gonna do that, tomato has to be on the top.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah. Okay. That's a good note.

[Ashley Hess]

I'm just like, wow, she's really just. I want to be here when I grow up.

[Raina Greenberg]

You're gonna hate this, but. And I said I wasn't gonna tell anybody this, but the bagels, just a

[Ashley Hess]

couple hundred thousand people.

[Raina Greenberg]

Whole Foods, everything.

[Ashley Hess]

Bagels so good out of a bag.

[Raina Greenberg]

Out. Ashley, I don't.

[Ashley Hess]

You toast them a little. That's why they're edible.

[Raina Greenberg]

Raina, don't. Don't you do it. Because they were so soft.

[Ashley Hess]

Listen, maybe you don't understand bagels the way I do.

[Raina Greenberg]

I think they're putting more preservatives or something to keep them soft. No, they're.

[Ashley Hess]

It's the extra preservatives for me.

[Raina Greenberg]

I'm not saying that's a good thing. They're keeping them longer. They're still soft. Like today. Like, if I go get a fresh bagel from anywhere, it is rock hard the next day.

[Ashley Hess]

Yeah. Cause it's a fresh bagel. That's why I would never buy a bagel from the grocery store. It's disgusting.

[Raina Greenberg]

Well, it was delicious.

[Ashley Hess]

Maybe you were just tasting what your life is like. If you were like, I have a man that woke up this morning and cooked me four different. A bagel sampler, if you will. Remember the time on my birthday you suggested to my boyfriend that he'd go get us bagels and lox. And he was like, I'm not gonna do that. Yeah. I got across the street from our apartment.

[Raina Greenberg]

I know. I said, just set her up a little bagel bar.

[Ashley Hess]

You were like, you're broke and you can't afford anything, and here's a great idea. And he was like, I don't think I'm gonna do that. What I'm gonna do is go to a restaurant with her for dinner, and I'm gonna tell her I forgot my wallet when the check comes, and she's gonna have to pay for it.

[Raina Greenberg]

That was tough. I was there for that. I showed up to crash the dinner like I do.

[Ashley Hess]

To bring my credit card. To bring your credit card. You're like, hi, Reina's real partner's here. So I'll pick up this dinner.

[Raina Greenberg]

This is like an older story you guys have probably heard, but one of my favorite things was you did a birthday on a boat, and there were fireworks on the river, wherever we were, on the Hudson or on the east river, whatever. And there were fireworks, and people were coming up to me and being like, did you get fireworks for Reyna? Not one person asked your boyfriend. Everyone was like, ashley, oh, my God. You got fireworks for Reyna. I'm like, first of all, I'm so flattered that you think I could afford this, that you think I could coordinate with the FDNY to set off fireworks in the river.

[Ashley Hess]

I mean, it was hundreds of thousands of dollars for the fire. It was a giant fireworks show for all of New York City. And people like, did Ashley do that?

[Raina Greenberg]

Okay, so there's this one food thing. It's going to be really cold take. But last night, like, you tell me

[Ashley Hess]

you need eight hours of sleep. You're like, right now. It's crazy.

[Raina Greenberg]

This is my new thing. Just the coldest takes. This is like when I used to talk about old movies. I was like, have you guys seen the Bodyguard?

[Ashley Hess]

It's so good.

[Raina Greenberg]

So last night, we were eating this pasta. We get pasta every Saturday morning, our farmers market, and we have pasta every Sunday night. This. This pasta place is just so incredible. It's called anapasta La. We get their pasta, their sauce. We've had all the combinations they make. This is, like, our weekly tradition. We get their parmesan. Everything's, like, fresh. It's delicious. Unbelievable. They had a new sauce. They had an arrabbiata sauce. Oh, and you said that. Good. Thank you. That's what I really do know. And they were like, it's. It's spice. It's spicy as it is. But they didn't say, like, it's so spicy, or they didn't give any sort of warning. They were like, it's spicy. It's our abiat. I'm like, all right, great. So we'll get it. We'll have it with the rigatoni. It was so spicy that I couldn't taste anything else. And I can handle a lot of spice. Like, I don't. I'm not. My mouth. I'm not, like, I'm, like, on fire. Like, I don't think I'm Ariana Grande on hot ones, but I really can handle a lot of spice. My dad can. Like, I can handle it. And I like medium spice. I like food that's also not spicy, too. But when you get to that level where it has overtaken your taste buds and you cannot taste the food. Like, this isn't like, my mouth is on fire. I have to drink milk. I'm fine. I'm sitting there. I'm fine. But like it would do to anyone else. My tongue has been compromised and my taste buds have been compromised. So I was like, people can't like this taste. Like, I was like, why do people like spice? So I looked it up. Do you know why?

[Ashley Hess]

Like, why do people, like, just, like, that sensation of, like, capsaicin?

[Raina Greenberg]

Like, I said to Shashank, I was like, I think people are just trying to feel something. Like, I was like, I think this is psychological.

[Ashley Hess]

So to me, it makes food, like, more dynamic. It's like, it's not just, like, salty or sweet or, like, savory. To me, it's like, it's just a dynamic flavor profile.

[Raina Greenberg]

I think it covers up every other flavor in the profile. I think that when I was eating that sauce, I was like, is it even tomato? Well, it needs to taste the pasta.

[Ashley Hess]

Also, acid and spice is really intense, spicy tomato sauce.

[Raina Greenberg]

But my point is, is at a certain level, that's it. It is dominating the whole dish. Okay? So I looked it up. I had this feeling. I was like, I think it's psychological. I think people like spice for the wrong reasons.

[Ashley Hess]

Even they're trying to prove something. Yes.

[Raina Greenberg]

So I look it up. I can see it. Spicy food is primarily enjoyed for the rush of pleasure caused by endorphins and dopamine releasing in response to the perceived pain of heat. Beyond this, it acts as a cultural tradition, providing a cooling sweat effect in hot climates. To Sean sweats when he eats spicy food and was historically used to preserve food too. So for safety, for food safety. But the reason why people consume and enjoy spicy food is the endorphin high. Capsaicin triggers pain receptors, so causing the brain to release endorphins and dopamine, the feel good hormone, to counteract the discomfort, leading to euphoric spice high or an adrenaline rush, and it's benign masochism.

[Ashley Hess]

Yeah, the pain king.

[Raina Greenberg]

Similar to enjoying horror movies or roller coasters.

[Ashley Hess]

I hate both those.

[Raina Greenberg]

Humans enjoy experiencing a high intensity yet safe sensation that creates a sense of mastery over the pain. And then, of course, there is cultural and there is climate and, of course, flavor and aroma enhancement. But, like, the primary reason is psychological, which I. Or, like, a dopamine rush, which I literally was like, I just think people want to feel something.

[Ashley Hess]

Well, maybe at a certain Level of spice. Like, I put Frank's Red Hot in my hummus last night.

[Raina Greenberg]

I always do 100%.

[Ashley Hess]

I put a little Frank. Frank's Red Hot's not spicy. Like, I put it on eggs. Like it's not. It's not uncomfortable.

[Raina Greenberg]

That's my point. Like, we went to this brunch, this baby shower brunch on Friday. I wanted to put the chili oil in the hummus. Like, I want to put sriracha on everything. Like. Like I gravitate towards a medium heat. I love it. I love spice. But when it's that highest level, you can't taste anything else. And people want that and they seek it out. My dad being one of them. And my dad's a thrill seeker. He's like a pilot, a race car driver. Like, it goes in line with the personality type of, like, a thrill seeker. They're just doing it for the plot.

[Ashley Hess]

Okay, I'm glad that you brought up roller coasters and horror movies. Two things I will not do. And it really embarrassed me. Growing up, I felt like such a loser. Cause everybody wanted to, like, get all scared watching a horror movie movie and scream. Like, was my favorite movie when I was a kid.

[Raina Greenberg]

A kid.

[Ashley Hess]

But, like, I. I do not. I have no interest in a scary movie, a slasher film, even if it's like, so stupid, it's ridiculous. I do not want to feel scared. I don't want it. And I fucking hate roller coasters. And I again, felt like such a loser growing up. All my friends wanted to go on them and I would, like, wait downstairs.

[Raina Greenberg]

Like, I live for them. I dreams about them.

[Ashley Hess]

What do you like? You like the fear?

[Raina Greenberg]

I don't know. Like, I was just. I guess I was a little more of thrill seeker as a. As a kid. I was obsessed with amusement parks and roller coasters. And I think part of it was like, we didn't grow up in year one, and so it was such an exotic, like, novelty to me. Like, it was a three hour drive to get to the closest Six Flags. And I was obsessed with, like, Busch Gardens and Kings Dominion and Disney World

[Ashley Hess]

and all the things.

[Raina Greenberg]

But I love the thrill. Like, the thrill. But I'm curious about this in people's personality. Because my dad, it makes a lot of sense. So he's just. Now it's skiing. I mean, which is not that skiing's dangerous, but again, his, like, life has been like, pilot, race car driver. He wants to ski, even, like, against the doctor's orders. Like, he's a thrill seeker. And he Will eat whatever you give him. Like to watch him do the biggest glob of wasabi. He's just doing it to do it.

[Ashley Hess]

Ashley, it's crazy. Your dad eats spicy stuff like my dad eats mayonnaise. They take a scoop of it on every bite. Which is objectively disgusting that my dad does that. But your dad, I'll never forget watching him squirt a bottle of Sriracha on. On every bite.

[Raina Greenberg]

And the wasabi, Matt will be like, you won't eat this and I will give you a hundred dollars. Backup matches. Always had cash on it. You know when he was bartending, he'd be like, here's a hundred bucks. And my dad would do it. And it was insane. And nothing was ever hot enough. Like no hot sauce was hot enough. Nothing is hot enough for Lee Hasseltine. And it's for the rush.

[Ashley Hess]

I mean, it's gotta be. Also, I had this like big league moment. I had the show in San Francisco this week and I wanted to go to Swan Oyster Depot. It's this old school, like kind of diner style seafood counter. It's like 15 seats. Whatever. I had to go at 8 o'

[Raina Greenberg]

clock in the morning.

[Ashley Hess]

Cause that's the only time I could make before the flight.

[Raina Greenberg]

Love it. Morning seafood.

[Ashley Hess]

Lindsay was like, this is disgusting. And I was like, we're gonna go. This is my dream. So they have the condiments like on the counter. One of them is horseradish. And I ordered like crab cocktail and some sashimi and shrimp and all this other shit. The guy behind the counter was like, be careful of our horseradish. It's really hot. Okay. And I was like, like, you're a. I took like a big glob of it. I mixed it with a little cocktail sauce. Yeah, it was a lot. And I put it on like a, like a little crab claw. The way that I was like coughing and hacking up along like I was trying to function. You can't, you know, you just can't breathe.

[Raina Greenberg]

It was eight. It's up here. It's in your nose.

[Ashley Hess]

It hit my tongue. I was like, I'm fine. And then it hit my nostrils and I was like, I'm not gonna survive this.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah.

[Ashley Hess]

And he was like, I literally told you. And then I did it two more times.

[Raina Greenberg]

I literally told you. See, for the rush.

[Ashley Hess]

I was like, it won't be this bad. The second time I did it. Two more. Lindsay was like, I'm not going to sit with you if you're going to

[Raina Greenberg]

keep doing the Pain mastery Of it. Yeah.

[Ashley Hess]

Maybe I have a pain kink.

[Raina Greenberg]

That's what I'm saying. So I would be curious if you guys like in the comments, like, are there people out there? They're like, no, I genuinely like the. The quote unquote taste of this. And like, I live a pretty vanilla life otherwise. And this is how I get off. Like, I'm just curious about why people are. Are really seeking that out. Because I just can't. It. It takes over the taste. And I wish those people at the pasta stall, the farmer's market would have been like, it's really hot. Like, they. No warning. I appreciate a warning, but you're. It is so funny though, when people over hype it and they're like, it's so hot. And you're like, this is nothing. And Shashank can handle a lot of heat and a lot of spice, but again, he's probably a medium heat preference, but he sweats and he. He's handling it. Again, this isn't like a I'm on fire, but he is pouring sweat that says bodily response. Like, very funny. Like any. He is dripping his physical reaction.

[Ashley Hess]

So I don't. I really don't. So maybe that's why I also like it. I will say in restaurants, when they make something spicy, you just can't make food at the grocery store or the farmer's market that spicy. People don't want it.

[Raina Greenberg]

I know.

[Ashley Hess]

I. So I just. I don't. People don't want this stuff.

[Raina Greenberg]

Okay, well, anyway, that's my hot take. No pun intended. Let's just go over a couple partners and then we will get into the topic today. Okay. Revolve. You guys, these are Revolve pants. Of course. These are super down, which is one of Revolve's house brands. We love Super Down. They are super affordable, great stuff, quality. I said this before that every single thing, with the exception of one daytime look on my honeymoon was Revolve. And I just got a bunch of new stuff last night. And such a range. Like, I got this blazer I'd have my eye on. It has like cutouts on the side. It's so good. It's lacaded. Yeah. Yeah, we love this brand. They have Lacademy.

[Ashley Hess]

I just like what they do because they have all these different shops. So if I have to go to like a wedding or if I have to go to a festival or it's like a summertime vacation. Like, it's just. I like that they've segmented it. That's my favorite Thing about the Revolve

[Raina Greenberg]

website, it makes it easy because they have so many items on the site. They have, I mean, like dozens, hundreds of designers and they still make it easy to navigate. Like, I think it's so easy to get overwhelmed. But when you really condense it down to exactly what you're looking for, they're going to have what you're looking for. And again, we have have warm weather coming up. They have great swimwear, great cover ups, everything you need for all your vacations, everything you need for date night, work, day to night. And they also just launched their own label called Revolve La. It is so chic. I am obsessed with this. The silhouettes are really strong and modern. It's very polished, very confident. It's the kind of stuff you put on when you want to look expensive, especially for a dinner or event where, you know, photos are happening. So this is great to just. If those are the goals, like an event, for sure. Like just Revolve La. I am just like, like loving the clothes they have in this new collection. So whether it is a big night out, a wedding, a trip, or you just need something last minute that actually works, Revolve always has it. Go to Revolve.com GGE to shop our faves and use code GGE for 15% off your first order. And definitely check out the new Revolve La label while you're there. Fast shipping, easy returns, it just makes everything easier. That's Revolve.com GGE. You can shop our faves and get 15% off your first order. Offer ends April 16, so don't miss out. One trend I have to say, let me just tag onto the end of this. I saw this on Tick Tock and it said capris with like a trench. So I already had black capris from Revolve and last night I ordered this trench that's a silhouette I'm really excited about to wear in New York when I'm there in a couple weeks.

[Ashley Hess]

What kind of shoes are you done?

[Raina Greenberg]

I don't know, maybe like an old school high heel. Yeah, you need a heel, not a, not a sneaker with this.

[Ashley Hess]

Look around.

[Raina Greenberg]

With Capri, Revolve has such, I mean, so many different capris and I like when it'll say like, this is our best seller in this category and people leave reviews and it's just like, anyway, get your capris on Revolve and get your trenches too.

[Ashley Hess]

Get your capris, your trenches. Okay. If you guys had decided at the beginning of the year to get your finances in order and to track your spending. And you kind of like, let that little goal go. It's never too late. So Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and up lower your bills so you can grow your savings. So maybe you just want to get a handle on what you spend or you want to plan for like a summer vacation, something like that. It's really great. First of all, Rocket Money can find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions. The interface is really easy to use when you go in. It will truly just tell you every single thing you're paying for. And I could not believe how many things I was paying for. There's automatic transaction categorization across accounts. There's customizable categories and tags so that you can look at your spending patterns. It'll help you set budgets and goals. And it consolidates checking, savings, loans, investments into a single dashboard. So this is truly the one thing you can do to monitor your spending and try to get a hold of your finances. It's really tangible, it's easy to use, and I love the interface. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at Rocket Money.com/That's Rocket Money.com/GGE RocketMoney.com okay.

[Raina Greenberg]

I love My Husband who Hates Me. Unrelatable A Memoir. Just kidding. Can you imagine? So this article in the Cut was a couple weeks ago, but we've been wanting to talk about it. It didn't go as viral as our boyfriend's embarrassing, but it certainly made the rounds and we were seeing it. I Love My Husband who Hates Me. The subhead is Nothing Inspires Rage Like A Woman who Defends Her Partner's Bad Behavior by Bindu Bansanath, a writer for the Cut who covers news, culture and relationships. Relationships.

[Ashley Hess]

I've seen this, you know, play out a lot on television. This dynamic on television and with celebrities and some people that we have been in social situations with couples where you're like, ooh, yikes. And with friends of my own where, you know, everybody hates the partner and then they defend them to you and you're like, I'm sticking up for you because of how they treat you. And we'll talk about all these different dynamics. But I really like the topic of this episode and I would never have known how to really, like, encapsulate it. Like, I love my partner, but. But He Hates Me is like, I would never titled it that, but it is this dynamic I've never been able to like. Yeah, really put a title to.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah. And it's an extreme title. It's a click.

[Ashley Hess]

Yeah.

[Raina Greenberg]

Clickbaity title. But, you know, we have always talked about those couples where you're like, they hate each other or he hates her or she hates him. And, you know, if you had seen this title years ago, not even, I don't know, prior, if you saw a title that was like, I love my spouse who hates me, I'd probably think the woman hates the man. If we're talking about heterosexual relationships, like, I think that's a real trope. Like a woman who really resents, despises her husband. And a lot of times after you've had kids, he's not helping around the house. And so we are talking about male behavior today, but I do want to acknowledge that this is the case in reverse in a lot of relationships, in any relationship relationship. So we know those type of women who hate their husbands. They're open about it.

[Ashley Hess]

Yeah.

[Raina Greenberg]

And they belittle them and they nag them. And it's not exclusive to men. And those men probably deserve it. But, you know, if you are a woman and you're in that relationship, you, you know, hopefully you don't want to be and you can change. You figure out what's going on, work on it, or get out of the relationship. So I just wanted to say that disclaimer up top. This isn't exclusive to men, but I think. I think that in the society we live in, terrible men do terrible things and they're ruining this country. And so I'm especially triggered by, like, giving men a pass to do terrible things. Like, I think as women living in a patriarchal society, we are especially sensitive to men. Again, like, belittling us, like, diminishing us, not validating us or our friends and family.

[Ashley Hess]

I feel like when I see this dynamic play out, which is just like withholding compliments or insulting your partner in front of groups of people or just blatantly disrespectful behavior. I it. The examples in pop culture and in my real life tend to just be men. On women crime, it's not as common where you see women just railroading a man as much. And then in private, they're so sweet, and it's different.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah. I just wanted. I just wanted to acknowledge it. You know, any relationship that's talked about toxic in this way, it can be coming from either side. But we were talking about the men today. You know, all I'm trying to do is get ahead of the comments. Women do this too. Shut up.

[Ashley Hess]

We know. Yeah. For every one woman that does it, thousands of men that do it. So that's the problem.

[Raina Greenberg]

Again, it like hits different.

[Ashley Hess]

So there's a, there's a couple things in the article. It's pop culture and in person, examples of partners not complimenting you, doing hurtful things that are framed as kind of funny, undermining you in public and disrespecting you. And even privately, not really like giving you your flowers and just kind of feeling like I don't know where I, I stand with this person and when I try to address it, I'm undermined or told that I'm the problem. And then additionally in this article, it talks about women share bad behavior with their friends and then when others react, they kind of defend it and they're like, well, you don't understand him. This is not really how it is. And I think that we all have had that whiplash with our friends and their partners where they unload on you the things their partners are doing because they want comfort and community in that. And then you have a feeling about it and they defend it. You're like, but, but don't tell me if you don't want my opinion about this.

[Raina Greenberg]

I know. And the article, it opens with Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard and the Cher interview that they said was like super awkward. And we talked about that too. And I did notice some people that didn't like what we said. And I think people don't view Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard relationship like that. And that's fine. And if you have watched his podcast and listened to him for all these years, you have more information. You can perceive it however you want to. But they are like a prime example of culturally how people think that he does quote unquote. Like, he comes off like he hates her and he embarrasses her and puts her in her place and she's just like, hahaha, you don't get it. Again, that's just in the article, you're welcome to think whatever you want. And they give a lot of other examples and there's a lot on like TikTok. Like, this is this one woman who posted a video about how her husband tried to destroy her favorite perfume by smashing the bottle again against the sink and broke the sink instead. And it's like, why'd you post this? And there's a bunch of different things like, you know, this woman saying he never compliments me. And I remember that one trend. What was it? Right. I remember it was like couples together, like admitting Stuff and, like, it got so dark.

[Ashley Hess]

We trust and we don't give feedback.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah. We don't judge. Yeah. And, like, guys were like, I hide out to avoid my family kind of stuff. And it was like.

[Ashley Hess]

So I found these examples particularly prominent among the Bravo universe and the men and the male female dynamics, really a lot like on Vanderpump Rules with Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney, where he dumped a drink on her from Vanderpump Rules. You see it with Shep Rose and Taylor on Southern Charm, where he's screaming at her, you're a fucking idiot. And you see it a lot. A lot with Kyle and Amanda on Summerhouse. And that's really the prime example of somebody who. Who is, like, ritually humiliating their partner on national television. And, I mean, the most viral clip from Summer House is him screaming at her. Summer is supposed to be fun. Amanda's not fun. And I mean, cheating on her publicly. And he's always just, like, embarrassing her. And then she tries to defend it a little bit. All these people defend their partners by saying, you don't understand what they're like behind closed doors. And we have this kind of sunk cost fallacy of, like, we've been together so long. You don't know what he's like. People give all this feedback, and then it is, I guess, the nature of. Not these. I'm not calling out these women on Bravo, just in general, this dynamic to, like, defend him. You don't know what he's like behind closed doors. He's better behind closed doors. And I'm always just like, is he?

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah. You know what? It's funny. I was thinking about, like, what would you prefer? Neither, of course. But bad in public and good behind closed doors. Or it's almost worse good in public and treats you like shit behind closed doors. I think I'd prefer the former.

[Ashley Hess]

But. But. Well, I prefer the former because I think you want other people to see it because you want people to hold you accountable that this is unacceptable behavior and that somebody. I mean, what a nightmare if somebody is such a narcissist and they're performatively fun and charming and kind and.

[Raina Greenberg]

Exactly. No, it's scary. Yeah, that. That really is. And then the article outlines, like, why people post this, you know, because I think you see some things, you're like, why would you post this? And the article says. I mean, sometimes it is a cry for help or a woman trying to be like, see, all these people agree you're terrible. Or you actually do think it's funny. And then people like, that's not funny. That's actually pretty toxic. I mean, I think that whether you're posting about it or not, this isn't relatable to everybody. Not everybody is posting tiktoks about this stuff or anything in their life. But I think there's a number of reasons why a woman would stay with someone who treats her poorly. They think they're deserving of the treatment, or this is the best they can do. The breakup or the divorce, a fate so much worse than being single. Or there's trauma, insecurity. There's a lack of self worth. I mean, there can be a lot of reasons. And like, no one case is ever the same.

[Ashley Hess]

Nobody's horrible 100% of the time. And so these people tend to know how to balance it out. You and I have people that we know in our life where the husband insults the wife all the time. And I know that they've built a great life together and they really like each other behind closed doors at I think they have a good time, but it is uncomfortable to be around. And you say to yourself, like, how could you tolerate this? And time time spent with somebody is important to people. And it's hard to extricate yourself from a situation. Whether you're on a TV show together or you guys work together, you have the same friend group, or you've built a house together. Like, it's really hard to get out of these situations. And we'll read some emails, but, like, so many people are like, is it really that bad? Am I asking for that much? I have 80% of what I like, even though 20% is so bad, but 80% of it is great, right?

[Raina Greenberg]

I mean, what are your boundaries? How much can you tolerate and what's normal to you? In a lot of relationships, this may be the dynamic their parents had. This may feel normal. I mean, it depends. We've all grown up so differently. I mean, I. Sometimes I'm just thinking of one couple I know and the way that she talks to her husband is shocking to me. I know his mom, and I'm like, I'm assuming that's how his mom talked to his dad. And, like, he thinks it's okay. Okay.

[Ashley Hess]

And it couldn't be me.

[Raina Greenberg]

It couldn't be in my household, but there's that too, you know, that's the way your dad treated your mom. It felt normal. So you might even seek it out. And that's a whole different thing. Again, it's like, case by case. And this stuff can be explored in therapy. And I think we choose the patterns

[Ashley Hess]

that we're comfortable with, even if the patterns feel terrible. It's why I'm attracted to emotionally available people. I grew up in a home like that. So yeah, like, I think that even if it feels really, really bad, it is, is the trauma we know how to deal with.

[Raina Greenberg]

Right.

[Ashley Hess]

And so we do seek it out. And so, like, yeah, maybe as a woman, you did have a father who kind of put your mom down and put a joke and put you down. You're like, this is a comfortable dynamic for me at least. And the behavior of like, you shared this with your friends and now your friends don't like this person and they're like coming at you and you snap into this, like, defensive mode. You almost feel like you're judging me for having chosen this person. You're seeing it through the wrong lens. Anybody that says to you like, this is, is bad, loves you and they want you to get out of a bad situation. But I think a lot of people hear this as like, you're judging me for my choices. This is who I picked, so don't judge who I picked. And you're like, I don't. I only have this information because you

[Raina Greenberg]

gave it to me and you can unpick them.

[Ashley Hess]

Yeah.

[Raina Greenberg]

Why are you sharing this with me? What do you want from me? I love this one quote from the article. What is it about a random couple's marriage that can set off such an explosive reaction? Commenters sometimes get too worked out up about someone else's affairs. But many of us get secondhand embarrassment from these women because their experiences hit close to home. The treatment they seem to normalize for themselves reminds us of what we might once have normalized for ourselves. So if you have a really disproportionate reaction, it could be a projection or, I don't know, I was trying to dissect that sentence. Like, as a woman, you're like, you're making us look bad. Kinda, you know, like, don't expect, accept. What are you doing? Like, we're supposed to all be better than this. Like, I wouldn't tolerate this and you shouldn't either kind of thing. Like, it comes from different places.

[Ashley Hess]

And even if you know that you've accepted it in your own life, it doesn't preclude us from looking at other people's lives and being like, this is bad. When I did it, it was bad. And when you doing it, it's bad and you deserve better. And I do understand that some women do also Just feel kind of beaten down by the dynamic. If somebody is just constantly making fucking digs at you like you do, just start to believe it. And I remember this scene this season in Summer House where Amanda is talking about Kyle. And I mean, it's just the dynamic with the two of them seems so terrible and I don't know what's on my closed doors when they're not on camera, but it seems so awful and there's so much contempt. And she says to one of the cast mates, like, I don't know if I deserve anybody else or I could do any better. And I'm looking at this woman who is successful and beautiful and kind and people seem to really like her. And I've never heard a bad word about her from press or anybody. And I'm like, you have been beaten down into thinking this. He probably doesn't tell you you're a piece of trash every day. I'm sure that doesn't happen. Of course you've accepted this dynamic and think it's all that you're worth and that's really tough. And the longer you stay in situations like that, the more you believe it.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah, these situations, these toxic relationships, completely shatter your self worth and your value. They have you questioning all the other decisions you're making in your life. I mean, I was in a relationship that was so toxic and I was making weird career decisions, you know, like, it just makes you doubt yourself and everything in your life. I mean, these relationships ruin us. They truly do. I mean, being in a relationship with a man that is breaking you down, it's ruining who you are. You can get it back. I will say that I think there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. And then you can stop accepting this. You'll never accept it again, hopefully. I mean, I have no tolerance for this. I am highly sensitive to it. Like, you will not belittle me or like you won't put me in my place in public. Like, of course I'll have conflict with my partner. Like we all do. But I like, will not be disrespected and I'm really sensitive to it around other couples as well. There's something that is just so gross to me, like, can you not keep it in the box? Like, I know we're all human, we all bad days and we have things happen in our life, we can take them out on the people that we love. But can you not self regulate in public? Like if you were acting like that in public, I always think, how is it at home. Like, I don't believe it. Because unless they are trying to put you in your place in front of other people, which is even worse.

[Ashley Hess]

It's a dynamic that I find so fascinating because I look at the man and I'm like, by telling everybody how ridiculous she is or she exaggerates or the only person you make look bad is you. You look terrible. No one wants to be around this dynamic. And I don't understand why you can't keep it in the box. And I've had plenty of problems in relationships, but that's never one I've had where somebody's like, embarrassed me in front of people and has to, like, act like I'm a little too much. And I. And people are afraid to do that to me. And I think they should be. No one thinks I'm stupid or ridiculous. No one thinks I'm too obnoxious. And if they do, then I don't need to be around those people. So I don't need. I don't need a man managing me.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah. And if you feel like this is happening, I mean, you just have to. You have to clock it and you have to remember it. You have to provide the examples. Anything I've had in a relationship or a friendship even, that I am like, this thing is happening. Go write it down in your phone. If something happens at a group dinner and you don't want to address at the dinner, you want to remember it for later. I mean, go to the bathroom and make a note in your phone to when you have the opportunity to be like, you did this thing and it made me feel this type of way. Like this, I will say, is something. I think you need concrete examples. And I'm not. I'm not saying you should keep a log of your relationship. I'm saying this happens once, twice, it's time to talk about it and say, this is what happened and this is how this made me feel.

[Ashley Hess]

I don't like this notion of being told that you've been keeping score. And we got an email about it, we'll talk about it. But, like, there's a difference to me between writing down every single thing somebody does and storing up her fight and just making a couple notes about how something meet. And if you want to call it keeping score, I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. But I'm entitled to take some notes because when I have an argument with somebody, I do want to be able to say instead of, you always do this, which is like the most like shaky foundation to start an argument. I want a real example, by the way.

[Raina Greenberg]

I need to be super clear. If someone comes at me and they start bringing up stuff from we weeks prior. Absolutely not. You've been keeping a log. You know, like, unless it's like, this happened a couple weeks ago, and I didn't think much of it, but it's happened a few times since. Like, I'm not saying that to keep a log. And I know you don't mean that either, but, like, I just mean sometimes something happens in public or in a social setting where you really can't address it in the moment, and you want to remember it, and you want to remember the way it made you feel. Sometimes alcohol is involved, and so there's no harm in doing that. I remember one time something my ex said to me. I could not believe it. And he was drunk and I was drinking, and I wrote it down on my phone because I could not believe how mean it was. And I told him the next day, and he, like, tried to deny it, and I was like, I wrote that down. That was so out of pocket, you know? And so there's just no, no harm in that. But that's, like, a little extreme.

[Ashley Hess]

I hate this dynamic with your friends sometimes because, like, I've lost friends over men that they were with because they've shared stuff with me. And eventually it's like, what do you want me to do? I have an opinion about this. I'm gonna share it with you. I love you. I care about you. I want more for you. And oftentimes, like, you end up losing the friend, even at least temporarily, it causes issues. Or somebody will say, like, well, I can't tell you anything. Cause you judge him. And it's like, but I don't know what you want me to do here. Like, I don't want to say to people, like, don't share things with me that you don't want an opinion about. But, like, I'm a human. I'm gonna have feelings about it. You can't be mad at me for being mad at a person for treating you poorly. And I don't know, this is really abusive. And I don't think all these situations are like this. But, like, when a partner backs you into a corner to the point that, like, you can't tell things to your friends, and it's you and them against the world. Like, that's a really bad dynamic. They've triangulated you against everybody in your life.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah, that comes up. And they even have a Quote from Esther Perel in here about, about the triangulation where it is us against them. And I don't know if that's on some sub subconscious level, the goal sometimes of someone coming to their friend and being like, he did this thing and the friend pushes back, that's awful, that shouldn't happen. That's not healthy. And then you're defensive and you take it back to him and then it's like, can you believe she said that about us? And you do this so many times and you become that toxic, unhealthy couple that's us against the world. When you presented the situation to the

[Ashley Hess]

world, it's very Kristen Doute and Tom Sandoval and you won't understand that, but I mean, they just cheated on each other so much and everybody was so mad at them and then it was just them against the world. But in a real life scenario, it's real abuse isolating somebody like this. And if your partner is telling you that your friend is not a good friend for giving feedback, feedback on a situation that you know instinctually is really bad for you, then you should clock that.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah. And a couple tips we have here are just listen to your instincts, of course. And you wrote down here, pay attention to your instinct before you defend the person. Like, why am I doing this? Like, why did I share this in the first place? If you know there was going to be an adverse reaction. And also if everyone has the same reaction but different friends have different opinions,

[Ashley Hess]

you know who to go to for what. Right.

[Raina Greenberg]

But if you have shared something and everyone's feedback is like, this is not great. And I've witnessed this and I don't think it's great. And you know, don't think that we're all talking about behind your back, but like, you know, this is making you feel bad and he treats you this type of way, it may be time to rethink your relationship.

[Ashley Hess]

So, I mean, I think you can just ask yourself, like, what are red flags and what is normal? I mean, red flags to me, like you, you're editing stories to make them sound better. My boyfriend that I lived with when I was like 23, I just like left out huge chunks because I just, I knew that it was gonna sound so bad. I look back at like how much I tried to protect him. Everybody in my life hated him, which is my friends hated him. I felt embarrassed after sharing. And you're constantly explaining this person's behavior. I mean, this is an archetype of a type of person. Like we all Deserve to be with somebody that makes us feel solidified hole in our bodies.

[Raina Greenberg]

Good.

[Ashley Hess]

Deescalate our stress levels. Like, if you are constantly defending somebody else's behavior. Constant. You don't know him. Like, I do. I know. No, I. I know the archetype that you're dating, and that's a real problem.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah. And again, like, we're all human and we have reactions and we do things we're not always proud of. And I just feel like, especially in today's climate, like, people are just stressed more, they're angry more. You know, like, I have to really catch myself. And I. When I'm in a dark place, to not take it out around those around me. And, you know, people you love, you know, just. We all make mistakes, and we all should get passes to an extent. But if I were to tell you something that Shashank, like, said to me or did, that was bad, you could acknowledge that is bad. That seems out of character. I don't. I'm not even having anything but. And you. But you know him better. Like, I don't have to be like, you don't know him. Like, you.

[Ashley Hess]

I see him through the lens of the other positive things I know about him. I'm never gonna have a reaction like that. And that. That should tell you something. That your friends can tell you bad things about their partner and you can be objective versus, like, I fucking hate this person.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah. I think that's the main thing. When you find yourself constantly being, like, you don't get it. You don't understand. He's different than you think. Which. How much are you having to say that?

[Ashley Hess]

I wonder if this is a dynamic you kind of grow out of. Like, this feels like something I dealt with a lot in my early 20s. You're just making excuses for men. And, you know, you just grow up and people are better and you have less tolerance, and those two things kind of cycled together just makes people a little better. Like, I haven't dealt with this as much in my old age. Like, everybody hating my partner. Since my 30s, everybody likes everybody I date. But you do just grow out of

[Raina Greenberg]

it a little bit.

[Ashley Hess]

I think. You just. You learn. You just learn the behaviors a little bit better.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah. And again, like, the tough part is, like, not all of this is so terrible. It just can be more minor incidents. Like, it can be death by whatever. Paper cuts. What is it?

[Ashley Hess]

Death by a thousand cuts.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah. Like, it can just be little remarks here and there. Like, And I think that's when it's tough. You Know when you are having these things happen and you're like, am I overreacting? Like, you know, and maybe it is. He's, he's great at home. But you're like, I feel this certain type of way in these certain situations. And we'll get to some of the emails. Like, I think sometimes it's hard to know if it really is that bad.

[Ashley Hess]

But I think that like those situations are really hard to deal with because like, that's what the article focuses on. It's not like systemic abuse. I know it's not emotion, but it's pervasive underlying issues of just like, I don't like how this feels all the time. And people in my life tell me how bad it is and I'm defending it all the time. And it's never bad enough usually that it's like, like you could categorize it as actual abuse. That's easier to at least make a concrete decision about. I'm not saying getting out of abusive situations is easy, it's very hard. But you could at least make a concrete, like, I know this is bad, right?

[Raina Greenberg]

Like I, you see sometimes couples online and you're like, oof, he hates her. And it's not, I bet he's hitting her. Or even I bet he's yelling at her. He could be, of course. But I mean, you're just like, like, oh, I don't think he likes you. You know, and why post this? And I'm just thinking, this one influencer. And I was just like, this is sad to, to see. He doesn't want to be here.

[Ashley Hess]

And he's letting everybody know there's a fashion girly influencer, her boyfriend. I mean it's, it's a tough watch. I mean, he will not emote. He won't smile, he won't participate. And she's like. And you're like, girl, do you have eyes? Are you watching the same video as me?

[Raina Greenberg]

I know.

[Ashley Hess]

Don't put him on here anymore.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah, you know what I think? Think sometimes like long term couples, like long marriages, 20, 30, 40, 50 years. I mean, I'm thinking even, I'm just saying, like sometimes it's just like they are going to bicker and bickering.

[Ashley Hess]

Old people bicker.

[Raina Greenberg]

I know. Yeah, you're right. But it can, it can be exhausting. But just to counteract with some of the red flags or the healthier dynamics where you can share honestly without needing to defend them and you can share about a conflict and you can even share something mean that he said in the heat of the moment. And your friend will understand that that is a isolated incident and this isn't like all the time, and that your partner does uplift you publicly and privately and they let you tell a story and they don't need to put you in your place. That's what I cannot stand and what I'm highly sensitive to it when either partner and whatever type of relationship kind of has that, that, like, need to just belittle or embarrass the person a little bit and just, I don't know, make them feel small.

[Ashley Hess]

I don't know what is to be gained from this. Like, you're so small that you have to do this.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah. Well, let's just talk about our remaining partners and then we will get into some of these emails from you guys. So the Testaments A new dawn rises in Gilead. The timing couldn't be more appropriate. From the executive producers of the Handmaid's Tale comes the Testaments, a new Hulu original series based on the novel by Margaret Atwood. Goldenglow nominee Chase Infinity plays the dutiful teen Agnes, who guides newcomer Daisy through the halls of Aunt Lydia's elite preparatory school for future wives, where obedience is instilled brutally. With no connection to the outside world, the daughters of Gilead's commanders start to challenge authority, seek independence and explore their identity. This is just the beginning of the reckoning. The series explores friendship, empowerment and resilience and what coming of age means for young women in a society that affords them no rights. Agnes and Daisy's bond becomes the catalyst that will upend their past, present and future. Raised to obey, but destined to defy, there's nothing more powerful than a teenage girl. So you guys can watch the new Hulu original series, The Testaments, premiering April 8 on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply. I cannot wait. I mean, if you liked the Handmaid's Tale, you guys are gonna love this. And we have seen some screeners and I mean, you know, it's a little sensitive to the time that we're living in, but it's empowering. We love anything about friendship and resilient women and empowerment. So fantasy, a coming of age. Yeah, all the things are really encapsulated in the show. So check it out on Hulu April 8th.

[Ashley Hess]

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[Raina Greenberg]

you did okay and we are going to get into emails, but I do just want to say that the article ends on, on a positive note. It talks about how your friends and even strangers on the Internet can you help you leave these unhealthy relationships. And they interviewed someone that she says she without her friends, she wouldn't have realized how abusive her relationship was. And she says they did not enable me. They stopped laughing at my jokes. They didn't coast on the lies I was telling myself and that saved my life. And then there's another story about a woman on the Internet that people in the comments really helped her see the light on this relationship that was. It doesn't sound like it was physically abusive. The previous one was this man she said tried to kill her. So it just goes to show that sometimes again, talking to your friends will help you leave these relationships. Of course that's what your friends are there for, to help you through these tough times. And then even posting some of this stuff on the Internet again, it can be a cry for help. And it can be illuminating.

[Ashley Hess]

People treat you like this. They're always going to tell you that you're overreacting, that it's not that big of a deal. I mean, I, a solid, healthy, emotionally stable partner will hear you out and try to change the behavior, but in these situations, you constantly hear women saying like, I don't know if it's actually that bad. I don't know if I'm overreacting. He tells me that I'm overreacting. Maybe I am. And it is that person's job to keep you in this dynamic because it's comfortable for them. And of course you're being ridiculous and sensitive and overreacting because that's their job, to keep the cycle going. And your friends, even though you feel like maybe you're being some type of you, of course you feel like you're being attacked, your decisions are being attacked, but most of the time have your best interest at hand and they don't have anything to gain from telling you.

[Raina Greenberg]

Right? Right. Yeah.

[Ashley Hess]

Okay, so we're gonna do some of your emails and just talk about these different dynamics. So I've been with my partner for five years and I genuinely love him. We have a great life on paper. But lately I've been noticing he's just kind of mean to me. It mostly comes out as jokes, especially in front of other people. He'll say things like, you know her, she always, always exaggerates. Haha. And everyone laughs, including me. But afterwards I feel weirdly small. It's never one huge thing. It's just consistent little digs. If I mess something up, it's good thing you're pretty or it'll undermine me mid story, like I'm not capable of telling it myself. If I laugh it off, everything's fine. But if I push back, he says I'm being sensitive or killing the vibe. And this is just not our dynamic. The confusing part is when it's just us, he can be really sweet and affectionate. So I start to feel like maybe I'm overreacting. But lately I've noticed that I'm a little on edge in social situations. I'm almost waiting for the next comment. And I hate that feeling. Is this just his sense of humor and I need to accept it, or is this actually something bigger about how he sees and respects me? I like felt this email in my body. First of all, I hate being around couples like this. And I don't think you're overreacting. I think, listen, I'm not there with you. Day by day. If your boundary is, I don't want to be publicly embarrassed in front of people, you're always taking digs at me, and your reaction is just that I'm being too sensitive. Why are you right and I'm wrong? Why is your comfortability important and mine isn't? Why is everything that I'm too sensitive? Why isn't it like, okay, I'll try a little harder to not do this. This clearly bothers you, and maybe you are a little too sensitive. I don't know. I don't know you, and I don't know every situation, there are people that are that skew more sensitive and don't want to be nagged in front of other. Other people. I love being made fun of. But some people, they don't like it. And if you're telling your partner, I don't like that, I don't know why you're wrong and they're right, and that's the final end all. Be all of this conversation right.

[Raina Greenberg]

These things are really tough because you get into this territory of, like, you're overreacting. I was just joking. What? That's just how I am. I'm not gonna change, and what do you expect me to do, you know? But it's interesting that it's become more as of late. Like, this wasn't always the dynamic. Is this just a relationship that's run its course and you're just annoyed with each other, like, he's fallen out of love with you? I'm not saying that's what's happening. And he has contempt or for some other reason. Like, is there something under the surface? Yeah, like, what's going on outside the relationship. If this feels like a newer development

[Ashley Hess]

that's so interesting, I think that you see this in dynamic shifts a lot. Like, if he made more money than you for a long time, or he. He was more traditionally successful, and then the roles reversed and he's just trying to cut you down and everything. He doesn't realize he's doing it.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah, I mean, that's the tough part. Like, again, like, sometimes the only answer is a third party. And we knew a couple that had some issues, and they went to couples therapy for years because it was like, stuff like this. Someone else has to play referee and see this and validate this because they. This will just keep going in circles if you tell your partner, like, you kind of do these things when we're out, and this makes me feel small. And here are some examples, and they don't validate you at all. If you want to try to salvage that relationship, someone else has to be involved. That's the only way. I don't know what else you could do. You know, I think you see toxic stuff, like people try to record be so they can play it back and be like, this is what you do. I don't. I don't know. Like, I did that in my most toxic relationship where I was like, you got to hear the way you sound when you say this shit to me. You know? But couples therapy to me is the answer when it comes down to this kind of stuff. If they really are not hearing you, that's your last resort. And I don't know.

[Ashley Hess]

I'm certainly not his side, but, like, I can see a dynamic where you both have just beaten this relationship. I have a friend who was broke up with her partner recently, and she kept saying, like, he makes fun of me a lot. She'd give me these examples and I'd be like, none of these things sound that bad to me. It would be like, it would be digested really cute to me if it was a partner I wasn't mad at. I didn't have contempt for her already. But you can only hear this through a negative lens now because the relationship has run its course and you guys are done with each other. And I'm sure he is probably like, I can't joke around with her at all anymore. Everything is seen as like a dig or something negative. But. But I think that that's another time when you need to, like, bring in a third party or call it, like, she's saying, like, you know, do I need to just accept it? No, this is not a dynamic I would ever accept. You both need to figure out a middle ground here.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah. And you do have to reflect. Is this the same as it's always been? And I am just digesting it differently. Cause I'm mad at him too, which I probably is. Not the case in this. I'm just saying there is that too. There's always just like, am I just annoyed with him? So the stuff he's always done annoys me now. You know, did those little comments of, you know her, she always exaggerates. Would he have said that three years ago? But I just loved him then and now I'm annoyed with him. And I think it is again. I think men have a harder time dealing with their shit. And when my dad was going through all his health stuff before he had his hip replacement, he just. Just was in chronic pain and angry. And he's certainly not someone that qualifies under any sort of abuse. That goes without saying, like, verbal or emotional to my mom. I mean, they have. They have a great marriage, but I think he took it out on her. It's just his frustrations. I think that, like, he was probably shorter with her and just more annoyed. I mean, my dad is just. We're the same. We're very annoyed at all the things all the time. You know, I think that. That it became tough for her, and she talked to me a little bit about it, and it's like we all knew what was happening here, and that's why we were all so desperate for him to get the surgery. And meanwhile, he's had such a loss of identity. He's not skiing, he's not doing the things that he loved. He's just cooped up in the house in chronic pain. Like, I'm not saying that that's an extreme, but what is your partner dealing with? It doesn't make it acceptable, but at least maybe you can pinpoint where it's coming from. Like, if you told me this and I would ask so many questions, and if I could get to the root of, like, what that guy is dealing with that's making him unhappy in his life, we can at least know why.

[Ashley Hess]

Is this like, a season or is this, like, forever? I mean, I see this from men when they feel competitive with their female partner and they really feel the need to make you look stupid in public. And that's when I typically. They're threatened. For some reason, they're threatened.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah.

[Ashley Hess]

Yeah. And it's not you being too sensitive. And I refuse to live in a dynamic where somebody says, like, you need to just get over it, or you're being always sensitive because, like, your feelings about this will not supersede mine. Like, we need to both feel comfortable

[Raina Greenberg]

here and compromise a hundred percent. The next email. I have been with my partner for two years, and overall, he's a really solid, dependable guy, which is part of why I feel weird even writing this. But one thing that's been bothering me more and more is that he just doesn't compliment me. Like, never. I got really dressed up for a wedding recently. Hair, makeup, tried on a ton of outfits to find the perfect dress, and he said I looked nice in quotes, which is honestly the peak of what I get from him. I never hear these proud of me or even get thanked that much when I do things like make fun plans for us or cook a really good meal. Meanwhile, I'm constantly hyping him up, telling him he looks hot, that I'm proud of him. All of that I brought up a few times. And he always says that he's not a words of affirmation guy and that he shows love in other ways. And to be fair, he does. He makes me coffee every morning. All right, well, now we really got to get into this. Takes care of things around the house without being asked. He's super reliable. Like, I never question if he'll show up for me in a practical sense. So then I feel guilty for even wanting more. Like, am I just being needy or asking him to be someone he's not? But at the same time, I don't feel that desired by him or even really seen in that way. Like, do you notice or appreciate me at all? I work hard to look nice and do fun things for us, and it's as if it's totally unacknowledged. And I hate that I'm starting to notice other people complimenting me more than he does, like, casual acquaintances. I guess my question is, is this just one of those you can't have everything relationship things and I need to appreciate what I do have, or is this actually a sign that something is missing that matters more than I want to admit? Oh, that's. That's tough.

[Ashley Hess]

I think we all want to feel appreciated by our partners, and I think we all have different love languages for how we feel. That. Right. And this comes down to, like, some people want gifts, some people want acts of service. Some people want compliments. I like a lot of compliments, and I don't know a girl that doesn't. Also, these are two different things. Compliments and being thanked.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah, 100%.

[Ashley Hess]

You need to thank me for the nice stuff that I do.

[Raina Greenberg]

For us, we have feeling undesired on one hand. We have feeling underappreciated. Both of those are not great. Those are two things you shouldn't feel in your relationship because you. If he's not complimenting you, it's just. It's not in every guy's nature to say you look beautiful. They sometimes don't have the vocabulary. I mean, I did a whole reel about this when I got my makeup trial for my wedding. And what did she say?

[Ashley Hess]

You look great.

[Raina Greenberg]

And, like, I get a lot of compliments from him. I know things. I'm beautiful, but he didn't say the right thing. And I think he also has seen me in glam. He didn't know the difference, but, like, I really took the wind out of my sails. I Mean, I made a full real about it and made it funny, but I was like, oof. I didn't see that coming. I thought it was gonna be more. And he's like, you, you look beautiful, like you do every day. And I'm like, shut up. Not the right thing, but. So it's just, like, not feeling desired. Like, what's going on in the bedroom, like, is making you cough every morning. A lot of women don't get that, you know, as he's showing you, he appreciates the stuff you're doing by doing something for you in return. Like, is this guy really stoic? You know, is this someone who really is a man of very few words? And he is just acts of service. That's really like my dad. I mean, I don't know. I'm trying to think of my dad with the compliments. And he's such an acts of service guy. And I've seen him be physically affectionate, obviously with. With my mom, but he's. Stop. No, like, growing up, I saw them, like, touch and kiss and stuff like that. They still hold hands. Oh, God, can you imagine? But I'm trying to think. I don't know if I can picture Lee Hasseltine and being like, cindy, you look beautiful. Like, outside of, like, once or twice a year.

[Ashley Hess]

But your dad is. I mean, you know, everything's gonna be taken care of. Like, he is an acts of service guy. I would not work out with somebody who's not a words of affirmation guy. I just wouldn't. That's my love language. I want to hear how proud you are of me. I want you to ask me a thousand questions, but I had a partner. He just never said anything nice to me. He was never excited about anything. How I dressed. I mean, I would, like, pick out outfits to, like, I knew he would like, and I'd look really nice. And I never, ever heard anything. I never heard appreciation of her, how I looked. He was proud of me. He. But he would say to me, like, but I've planned all these things, but I. I thought about things you would like, and I made reservations and I booked these tickets. And I don't know, I. It's just we did not have the same love languages and it was never gonna work out. I know, I know, and I appreciate those things. But, like, of course I do. But, like, there's gotta be a balance of everything. I need a balance of all those things.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah. I mean, again, two years. A lot of couples call it after that, being together.

[Ashley Hess]

Yeah. Like, I Thought you meant compliments.

[Raina Greenberg]

This might not be.

[Ashley Hess]

You're like, I haven't done compliments for two years. I'm exhausted.

[Raina Greenberg]

She's like, he did compliment me that first week or two. That first month when he was really trying to light up in it. Yeah, exactly. When he's trying to get laid. No, but it's the Love Languages book changed my life. I think looking back, I probably think it feels a little like feel a little misogynist in some ways or no. Is that men are for Mars, women are for Venus. I can't remember. People would probably problems with both, but it changed my life because of the guy I was dating at the time and how much I realized he was acts of service and really not good with the words of affirmation. It made me realize that every time he did these things for me, how much he did desire me and appreciated me. But I don't know what's going on here. And this might not be the right match. And I'm not invalidating her experience. I mean to say I don't feel that desired by him or even really, really seen in that way. Like, do you notice or appreciate me at all? I mean, she needs to decide that for herself. Like, if he's making you coffee every morning and taking care of things around the house without being asked, he's super reliable. I think that's him showing you. But what's going on with her intimacy and what's going on in the bedroom? Like, that's part of it too. Is he physically affectionate? If you were. If he's doing all that stuff and he's physically affectionate, I physically I, I hope you feel desired because he is trying to show you. But it's not going to be every man, I, I, every man is not going to do those compliments. Like, I think we've seen a lot of stuff in the, in the movies and in TV and in pop culture that's actually like, not even. You want these. You, you want it to be the Notebook. And it's not. That's not real life. But you can obviously find men that will compliment you and make you feel beautiful and say the right things and tell you how much they appreciate you. Those do exist. And if that is your hard line, then maybe this isn't the right partner for you.

[Ashley Hess]

I just want to lay in bed with somebody and have them tell me how obsessed they are with me and ask me a million questions about every single thing I do. I mean, I'm the biggest words of affirmation this would. I couldn't last a week with this person.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah.

[Ashley Hess]

Like, I don't care what you do for me around the house because, I mean, I'm just like an independent lady and I'll do all these. I just. It's so important to me. Some people might say, like, that's just words and it doesn't matter. Having somebody show up for you and be consistent and that's more important to me. Everybody's different. But like, I really need to hear those things. And. And it's so interesting to me. I'm trying to differentiate between what I hate more is the you're being too sensitive guy from the first email and the I'm just not a word of affirmation guy from the second email. Cause like, why do you get to be comfortable and I don't 100% and I don't like it. And okay, if you're not a words of affirmation guy, but I'm telling you that this makes me feel really bad. And you could just tell me that I look nice once in a blue moon. That won't make you feel really bad. So why can't I win a little bit on this one?

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah. And I don't know their communication style. I don't know these people. But it sounds like she's trying to lead by example. She's like, I'm constantly hyping him up, telling him he looks hot and stuff like that. Like, are you speaking to him in his love language? Do you know what it is? I said this back with the guy that strong acts of service guy, that the first time I ever cooked for him, he treated me completely differently. He didn't treat me bad. That's the first night I ate my pussy, the whole thing. We've talked about this. He changed towards me. So it sounds like she knows what she's doing. I wanna come across that I'm on her side. But like, are you guys speaking to each other in the right languages? But to your point? Yes. Like, I'm sorry. Like, you can talk, you can say thank you for the meal. Like you can utter the word beautiful. Like, I mean, again, you don't want to have to force somebody to say those things. But for her to say when I make a really good meal, like, is he just doing the dishes? Is that how he's showing you appreciation? Great, do the dishes. But you can say thank you.

[Ashley Hess]

Well, you don't process.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah.

[Ashley Hess]

My ex, who I had said this to, and I, I did the same thing. I tried to lead by Example. I was like, I'm always telling you how gorgeous I think you are, how proud I am of you. And he was like, I don't need to hear that song.

[Raina Greenberg]

He's like, I just want you to suck my dick.

[Ashley Hess]

Yeah, he wasn't fun. I did that.

[Raina Greenberg]

Oh, that's right. He didn't like, wait, what do you think he wanted from me?

[Ashley Hess]

Like, I still don't know. He wants to talk to me every day still. I. I don't know what he liked about me ever.

[Raina Greenberg]

And

[Ashley Hess]

not a super sexual person. He just was sort of like muted in general. Nothing really excited him, including me and sex. I just, I don't know. He wanted to go out to eat a lot.

[Raina Greenberg]

Okay.

[Ashley Hess]

And he was hot.

[Raina Greenberg]

He made a dinner res and he changed his tune.

[Ashley Hess]

I mean, listen, if he, if his personality was like a little bit better, we would be together right now.

[Raina Greenberg]

I'm still holding out for this, but yeah, I mean, she says, I brought up a few times, what was the tone? You know, if you feel like this is serious and this is breakup territory, it sounds like, I don't know, you can sit him down and be like, I, I gotta be honest. Like, I brought this up a couple times and it is something that I need in this relationship is just a little more when it comes to this. And is there anything that you feel like you're not getting from me? You know, I want to stay in this relationship.

[Ashley Hess]

I.

[Raina Greenberg]

If you love him, maybe, I mean, two years they've been doing this. Like, I don't know if she's. I'm just saying, like, I, I love you. I want to be with you. I want to make this work. Here's why it is not working for me. And again, check ins with your partner. You should be doing that. I mean, they're really healthy. Like, I don't know that you need quarterly, but like a check in. And I hate to say area of grievances, but like, when you're in a good place and things are feeling positive, is a time to sit down and be like, you know, I just, I gotta be honest, like, this stuff, it really has been sitting on me. I don't take it lightly. And I want to know if there's anything that I could be doing, because I do.

[Ashley Hess]

I start to, to nag a little bit and I'm like, well, I brought this up in a light way and then I brought it up in a more serious way. And like, I'll bring up individual situations, but I think when you actually sit down with somebody and say, like, this is so. This is, like, serious to me. This is not. I'm not trying to pick on you, but, like, I need this. I really need this. And I need better from you than. I'm just not a words of affirmation guy.

[Raina Greenberg]

Does he have any women in his life? Like, I. I mean, he can't have a sister, that's for damn sure. He cannot have an older sister. I know that for certain. Certain. But, like, anybody in his life to be like, talk to them. Ask them what you're supposed to say. Ask Claude. Google compliments.

[Ashley Hess]

My best friend, right? Claude, write me a list of compliments. I was on a car trip the other day, and I was like, I have run out of things to talk about. Please give me a list of things to talk about.

[Raina Greenberg]

Seriously. I mean, this is the beauty of the Internet is it can help you. Yeah, Hot take.

[Ashley Hess]

It was like, hey, sis, I validate. This is an uncomfortable situation. So here's what you guys could talk about, right?

[Raina Greenberg]

You're, like, referencing that. Your iPad for that, for the outline topic.

[Ashley Hess]

So could. If you had unlimited funds, where would you travel? He's like, what?

[Raina Greenberg]

You're like, no, we're in the car. You, like, travel. That's why, like, justify where you got the.

[Ashley Hess]

If you could get any car in the world, what kind of car would you buy? He's like, you care about cars? I'm like, no, just. I just care about feeling the silence.

[Raina Greenberg]

All right, guys. Well, you know, you should never feel like your partner hates you or resents you or has contempt towards you. And again, things ebb and flow. We all have, like, ups and downs in different seasons. But if this is pervasive and you've talked to them, it's not changing. I mean, you have your therapy and your third party as an option always. And just breakups, always an option.

[Ashley Hess]

I think they should both break up with the boyfriend.

[Raina Greenberg]

These ones. Yeah, maybe.

[Ashley Hess]

I think that they deserve compliments, and I think that they deserve to not be insulted in public. And I think you can do better.

[Raina Greenberg]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The. The first one I'm more worried about. The second one, she. The coffee in the morning. That's really nice, Ashley.

[Ashley Hess]

Okay, pretend you didn't see that. Pretend it wasn't that takes care of

[Raina Greenberg]

things around the house without being asked. Like, some women heard that and were like, no, that's. Takes out the trap.

[Ashley Hess]

Somebody else will tell me I'm pretty.

[Raina Greenberg]

Okay.

[Ashley Hess]

Yeah, exactly.

[Raina Greenberg]

Exactly. Send a selfie to the group chat. That's how you get your validation so many people. The Internet will tell you something.

[Ashley Hess]

Yeah, that's true.

[Raina Greenberg]

All right, guys. Well, Girls Gotta Eat.com get tickets to our show here in LA on May 7th. Girls Gotta Eat podcast on Instagram and TikTok. I am Ash Hess on Instagram and TikTok. Raina is raina.greenberg and raina greenberg.com for her tour ticket, you can watch full video of the episodes on Spotify and YouTube. Subscribe Share this episode with a friend. Stay safe out there and break up with your boyfriends. Yeah, we'll see you Thursday.

[Ashley Hess]

Have a good week, guys.

[Raina Greenberg]

Bye. Quick break. One useful thing to share. I thought TikTok was just dances. Turns out it's where I learned how to save money, fix stuff, and get real tips. Short videos, real people. Download TikTok now.