Transcript

Ashley Hess (0:00)

Crushes should be at a distance. I love that. Yes. If that farmer's market guy slid into the DMs. Oh, glad you like the pasta. Get out of here. You know I'm married. And now I can't have a crush on you anymore. This podcast is a Dear Media production.

Raina Greenberg (0:30)

Hi, guys. Hi, guys.

Ashley Hess (0:31)

Welcome.

Raina Greenberg (0:31)

Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta eat.

Ashley Hess (0:34)

Welcome back. Mid May, that is what it is.

Raina Greenberg (0:39)

I'm gearing up to be in New York for a whole month.

Ashley Hess (0:43)

Yeah. So I will be getting to New York today and then we have some fun things this week. Raina's show in New York. I will be there.

Raina Greenberg (0:50)

Oh, that's my special guest. Yes, Gramercy Theater, Thursday night. Please come. Ashley will be at both shows.

Ashley Hess (0:56)

And then, yeah, I'm going to be on the east coast for two weeks.

Raina Greenberg (0:58)

That's crazy.

Ashley Hess (0:59)

And then going to see my family and then going to Boston for Memorial Day weekend. Exotic. And I'm so excited. Just haven't been to Boston and so I guess I was in Boston for the Thanksgiving holiday, but just summertime, springtime, you know, I used to spend so much time there when I was in a long distance relationship. So, so excited to be there.

Raina Greenberg (1:17)

You surprised me with that. I didn't know you were going to Boston. So exotic.

Ashley Hess (1:21)

I know people like. What are you doing for the holiday? Going to my first Red Sox game. Oh, you've never been? I've never been. So that'll be next weekend.

Raina Greenberg (1:27)

Do you care about baseball?

Ashley Hess (1:29)

No.

Raina Greenberg (1:29)

Do you like going to baseball?

Ashley Hess (1:30)

I just have always wanted to go to Fenway. I don't know why.

Summary

Girls Gotta Eat – Episode Summary

Podcast: Girls Gotta Eat (Dear Media)
Episode: Is It Okay to Have Crushes in a Relationship?
Date: May 11, 2026
Hosts: Ashley Hesseltine & Raina Greenberg

Episode Overview

This week, Ashley and Raina tackle a listener email and recent article from The Cut exploring the question: Is it normal or healthy to have crushes on other people while in a committed relationship? Using their trademark blend of humor, candid storytelling, and audience input, they explore boundaries, motivations, harmless crushes vs. emotional affairs, gender differences, and personal experience. They also share (and debate) data from a massive poll of over 20,000 listeners on the topic.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Personal Updates and Banter

Ashley and Raina discuss upcoming travel (Ashley to Boston, Raina extending her comedy tour, [03:37]), share thoughts on live sports vs. couch relaxation [02:40], and give shoutouts to favorite local LA guides and restaurants [09:09].
They poke fun at LA's attempts to recreate New York food culture (Bagel Fest in LA, "dairy-free, seed oil-free" bagels, [11:48]) and riff on food snobbery.

2. Money, Food Delivery, and Relationship Dynamics

The hosts break down a Cut article examining couples' spending on food delivery and associated relationship tensions [15:18].
Three scenarios discussed:
- Couple 1: Joint debt, one partner over-ordering DoorDash against agreed budget—"You are not being a nag. You have every right in the world to communicate with your partner about this." (Raina, [18:27])
- Couple 2: Emotional eating and takeout routine in relationship—deeper issues than just food delivery, possibly lifestyle incompatibility [23:53].
- Couple 3: One frugal home cook, one high-earning takeout enthusiast—Are they financially, culturally, and lifestyle aligned? [28:46].
Discussion on boundaries, fairness, and whether "money differences" are relationship dealbreakers [30:18].

3. Main Topic: Crushes in Committed Relationships

Sparked by The Cut article "The Secret to a Great Marriage: Crushes on Other People" and a listener email:
"Happily married but still fantasize about others. Is that fucked up?" [41:53].
Defining harmless crushes:
- "The line is, are we moving this relationship forward? Are we talking? Are you doing something you can't admit to your partner?" (Raina, [47:24])
- Shared laughter about harmless farmer’s market/flirty barista crushes—but hard line at private messaging or emotional intimacy [50:42].
The hosts clarify they're discussing traditional monogamy, but recognize not all relationships are monogamous.
Key insight: Having a crush is "actually harmless" if there's no personal connection or secrecy. Examples: celebrities, people you barely interact with ("40 words or less" rule, [69:12]).

4. Audience Polls & Community Insights

Over 20,000 responses on relationship crushes:
- 73% have had a crush while in a committed relationship [57:55].
- 56% say it's "sometimes normal, it depends;" 24% "totally normal;" 21% "it means something is wrong" [58:09].
- 45% only want to know if their partner has a crush "depending on situation" [58:30].
- 52% believe crushes are "just human nature;" 22% say they indicate something missing in the relationship [60:34].
- Overwhelming agreement that "harmless" = nothing hidden/concealed from a partner [66:24].
Discuss "actor-observer bias": We justify our own crushes as natural, but may judge a partner's more harshly [62:08].

5. Gender Differences & Cultural Context

Citing research and personal anecdotes, Ashley and Raina note differences between how men and women experience, interpret, or act on crushes and infidelity [53:04]:
- Men: More often pursue for physical novelty, ego, or because they can.
- Women: More likely rooted in emotional dissatisfaction or relationship neglect.
- Some female listeners say male "crushes" (especially at work) feel predatory or unsafe, while harmless female crushes rarely bother men [54:48].
"Typically, women cheat because they are missing something in their relationship and men cheat because they can." (Ashley, [53:29])

6. Listener Letter: Fantasy and Boundaries

A listener writes that she's happily married but fantasizes and occasionally masturbates about a co-worker. She's worried her crush might not be so "innocent" if the other person pursued her [69:17].
- "Are you missing something in your relationship, or is this fun, or are you missing something in your life?" (Raina, [71:04])
- Advice: Fantasies are normal; the issue is whether it manifests as action or damages the relationship. Ashley suggests dialing back on romanticizing/sexualizing the crush to avoid crossing a line [73:02].
- If frequency of thoughts/fantasies feels out of control, therapy may help [73:44].

7. Where’s the Line? Harmless vs. Hurtful

Listeners and hosts agree:
- The line is crossed when there’s secrecy; DM’ing, texting, confiding emotionally, or hiding interactions [66:24].
- "Anything you wouldn’t do in front of your partner" is suspect [66:03].
- Harmless = “pure fantasy” or fleeting, not persistent, not acted on [69:10].
Ashley: “Crushes should be at a distance. I love that.” [68:25]
"As soon as you start interacting privately...that’s how you know. That’s the line." (Ashley, [68:04])

8. Closing Thoughts: Novelty, Routine, and Relationship Health

The hosts note that long-term relationships naturally lack the novelty of new crushes, but that’s normal.
"If you’re craving novelty...can you create novelty within your relationship?" (Raina, [75:43])
Small “from-afar” crushes can add a little spark, but shouldn’t be a substitute for what’s missing in the relationship or cross into emotional/physical affairs [73:44].
Dreaming about someone else is not, by itself, meaningful or worth anxiety [76:28].

Notable Quotes & Moments

Ashley, on harmless crushes:
"If that farmer's market guy slid into the DMs...get out of here. You know I'm married. And now I can't have a crush on you anymore." [68:35]
Raina, on confronting partners about money:
"You are not being a ‘nag.’ You have every right in the world to communicate with your partner about this." [18:27]
Ashley, on men and harmlessness:
"I was my husband's celeb crush and he did marry me. So you should be scared of celebrities too." [47:26]
Raina, on what crosses the line:
"Any communication you can’t share in front of my face, I don’t like it." [65:54]
Ashley, clarifying the crush “rules”:
"Crushes are just supposed to live in your head. Exactly. Imaginary and then engaging in any way, I mean, again, this is...the line." [68:44]

Timestamps for Key Segments

00:30-07:14 – Personal updates, Raina’s tour, Ashley’s comedy special
09:09-14:15 – LA food scene tangents, Camber/restaurant recs
15:18-36:02 – Money and food delivery in relationships; deep-dive of “The Cut” article’s examples
41:37-57:08 – Main topic: The meaning and role of crushes in relationships, polls, “work wife” boundaries
57:55-64:59 – Audience poll results & analysis, actor-observer bias
69:17-75:43 – Listener email: When fantasy about a co-worker starts to feel risky
76:28-end – Final insights, importance of transparency, wrap-up banter

Summary

Ashley and Raina dissect the nuance between healthy, passing crushes and problem signs in a relationship. Their bottom line: "Harmless" means it lives in your head, doesn’t involve secrecy, and can be joked about openly. Anything hidden, persistent, or emotionally deep is a warning sign. Couples should talk about their boundaries, acknowledge attraction as human, and focus on creating novelty and connection at home. As always, the hosts combine humor and empathy, giving listeners solid self-reflection tools—and plenty of laughs along the way.