Girls Gotta Eat – "Performative Males and Black Cat Boyfriends" with Alec Flynn

Episode Date: September 22, 2025
Hosts: Ashley Hesseltine & Rayna Greenberg
Guest: Alec Flynn (Comedian, Host of Big Al's Grill ASMR)

Episode Overview

This lively, comedic episode explores the rising phenomenon of "performative males"—men who outwardly adopt feminist, sensitive, or ‘woke’ aesthetics and attitudes. The hosts, Ashley and Rayna, along with guest comedian Alec Flynn, debate authenticity vs. performance in modern masculinity, green flags in relationships, dating app behaviors, and shifting male friendships. The conversation also touches on the “golden retriever” vs. “black cat boyfriend” archetypes, providing both laughs and genuine insight into 2025’s messy dating landscape.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. What Are "Performative Males"? (42:48–46:22)

• Definition: Men who outwardly adopt progressive, sensitive behaviors or aesthetics (tote bags, tattoos, quoting feminist literature), but may do so for attention or as a surface-level performance rather than true belief.
• Alec’s Take:

  “God forbid a man create an inner life for himself. Literally. God forbid a man develop confidence and a sense of style, and the women are like, ‘trying too hard.’ … Every guy I know wears a golf polo and hits me sometimes. God forbid.”
  — Alec Flynn, [42:48]

• Authenticity vs. Performance: Alec and the hosts agree that while performance isn't inherently bad, manipulation or insincerity is. “If the ‘future is female’ shirt is just gonna get me pussy, you’re the worst,” says Ashley ([45:51]).

2. Green Flags in Relationships (10:37–30:59)

• The trio conducted a crowdsourced survey on "obscure" green flags, and discussed their personal relationship preferences:

  • Treats animals well (extremely important)
  • Shares home responsibilities (e.g., making coffee, walking the dog)
  • Has a sister; cooks; isn’t obsessed with porn; is moderate with alcohol ([19:42], [20:53])
  • Remembers small details—“So hot” if he remembers her sandwich order ([25:57])
  • Splitting food (“you have to split it with me” – Rayna)
  • Shows up for small acts of service without needing credit
  • Reads books; is curious and dynamic, not “one note”
  • Is relaxed if partner is running late (Ashley: “Not feeling rushed around them just hits different” [26:09])
  • Talks about exes without negativity: “Anybody that tells you all their exes are crazy or a narcissist or whatever, just run away” – Rayna ([27:01])

• Memorable Moment:

  “If you treat animals poorly… jail.” — Ashley, [14:30]

3. The Shift in Male Friendships & Socializing (69:54–75:58)

• Exploring why men “disappear” into relationships and lose friendships over time, and how societal messages are conflicting: men are shamed for too much ‘guys’ time,’ yet expected to have strong male bonds.

• Alec points to Gen Z men increasingly socializing online versus in-person, often through gaming, and less through drinking and bar culture.

• There’s a plea for partners and society to support men maintaining robust friendships outside their romantic and family lives.

• Insightful Quote:

  “This is the podcast that supports men the most.” — Alec, tongue-in-cheek, [76:06]

4. The Realities & Pressures of Modern Dating (53:38–62:49; 76:54–82:55)

• Listeners, especially men, share frustrations about dating, expressing self-doubt, perceived ‘nice guy’ syndrome, and the difficulties of standing out without posturing or game-playing.

• These challenges are exacerbated by the scrutiny and performativity of social media: “Nothing I do will be right. So, we’re here, but we’re afraid of you.” — Rayna, [76:54]

• Alec relates personal tales of dating in LA, tech usage, and how vulnerability and curiosity are key for both men and women to thrive in dating.

• Advice for “Nice Guys” & Those Struggling:

  “Read more. You can always be more interesting... Pick up a new hobby or skill… Women find that shit so hot.” — Ashley, [57:48]
  “Just be confident… The best way to build up that confidence? Go to the local bar, get a couple sloppy makeouts. Just grease the wheels.” — Alec, [56:44], [57:12]

5. The “Golden Retriever” vs. “Black Cat” Boyfriend Archetypes (83:37–89:02)

• Golden Retriever Boyfriend: Outgoing, openly affectionate, reliable, energetically supportive (e.g., Travis Kelce); contrasted with
• Black Cat Boyfriend: Moody, reserved, emotionally complex, elusive (e.g., Felix from “Too Much,” Carmi from “The Bear”).
• Hosts express a real preference for the former—opting out of the moody, avoidant “black cat” dynamic.
  • “I have no interest in black cat boyfriend. … Nothing is less interesting to me than that.” – Rayna ([88:24])
• Alec self-identifies as more of a “golden retriever,” applying those secure vibes in his relationships.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “God forbid a man develop confidence and a sense of style, and the women are like, ‘trying too hard.’” — Alec ([42:48])
• “If the choice is between a man cosplaying feminism with a tote bag and a man clinging to outdated ideas of what real men should be, I know which one I’ll take my chances with.” — Ashley, paraphrasing a HuffPost article ([52:13])
• “It should just be standard that if your partner gets up before you, they should make you a coffee.” — Rayna ([19:18])
• “I always feel like if you give me a sandwich and there’s peppers or onions on it and they’re like, just take it off—We’re getting a divorce.” — Rayna ([25:57])
• “Confidence. From what I’m gathering from [the listener email], you’re doing the right things, but maybe they can…like, an audience can smell fear.” — Alec ([56:44])
• “Pick up a hobby, alright? Talk to women and just be normal.” — Alec ([79:23])

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [10:37] – Crowdsourced relationship green flags
• [19:18] – Acts of service in relationships (“should be standard…”)
• [42:48] – Alec’s performative male monologue
• [46:41] – Therapy speak and authenticity challenges in men
• [53:38] – Listener email from a struggling “nice guy”; advice for lonely men
• [69:54] – Male friendships and why men disappear in relationships
• [76:54] – Are men “scared” to participate in dating due to online scrutiny?
• [83:37] – Golden retriever vs. black cat boyfriend breakdown

Tone & Takeaways

• The episode is self-aware, sharply funny, and manages to balance playful teasing, cultural critique, and genuine dating advice.
• All three agree that being dynamic—curious, authentic, and continually growing—is attractive in men and women alike.
• There’s empathy for the pressures of modern dating, but a call to action: “You got to do the things,” says Ashley.
• The ideal partner? Real, reliable, self-aware… and not above making the coffee or walking the dog.

Recommended Listening

• If you liked this episode, try previous episodes with Ingrid Clayton (on trauma responses) or Scott Galloway (on advice for men in 2025) for more on relationships and cultural shifts.

For tickets to live shows, follow Ashley and Rayna on Instagram, or catch Alec on tour as “Big Al Flynn” for more comedy about dating and modern masculinity.