Girls Gotta Eat — “The Man Who Made Me Rethink My Marriage” with Amber Rae

Podcast: Girls Gotta Eat
Host: Dear Media
Episode Date: October 20, 2025
Guest: Amber Rae
Theme: Challenging expectations in love, the bravery of self-liberation in relationships, and Amber Rae’s personal journey from a “good on paper” marriage to finding authentic, passionate love.

Episode Overview

This episode features author and speaker Amber Rae, whose new memoir Loveable: One Woman’s Path from Good to Free chronicles her deeply personal journey out of a safe, stable-but-unfulfilling marriage and into a life—and love—that’s truly her own. Hosts Ashley Hesseltine and Raina Greenberg dig into the nuanced realities of “good enough” relationships, self-abandonment, the courage to choose yourself (even when it means disappointing others), and how Amber’s story is resonating with women everywhere. Throughout, the signature GGE banter blends humor, vulnerability, and honest reflection.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Amber’s Marriage and the “Good on Paper” Trap

• Amber’s Backstory:
  • Married for nine years to her “best friend”—a relationship that outwardly seemed positive but lacked sexual and emotional intimacy.
  • “We were best friends. We were never really romantic partners, had a sexless relationship, but we were good friends and we got along and there were things that worked. And I think I was just like, this could be enough.” — Amber Rae [35:14]
• Suppressing Intuition:
  • Ignored the inner voice warning her things weren’t right. Shared about walking down the aisle already doubting the marriage’s longevity.
  • “I walked down the aisle thinking, I’m not sure how long this is gonna last, but maybe we’ll throw a great party.” — Amber Rae [36:43]

2. The Catalyst: Meeting “Her Person”

• Transformational Encounter:
  • Four years ago, while married, Amber met John by chance and immediately sensed an undeniable connection—she describes it as “knowing he’s your person.”
  • Honest with her then-husband about feeling this soul connection.
  • “It was the moment that they walked toward us and I connected eyes with him that I had this kind of feeling of hello again, and felt like I was home.” — Amber Rae [51:47]

3. Self-Abandonment and People Pleasing

• Emotional Patterns from Childhood:
  • Grew up with trauma and learned to avoid her own needs in favor of keeping the peace.
  • “I was constantly hypervigilant around everyone’s okayness. And if I can maintain harmony, then I can maintain okayness ... I didn’t even realize I was self-abandoning, you know, when I was in it.” — Amber Rae [50:00]
• Societal Pressures:
  • Both Amber and the hosts discuss how women often stay in “good enough” relationships out of fear or obligation, feeling that they “should” be grateful for stability even when unfulfilled.
  • “The good on paper guy is almost harder to leave because it’s like, nothing’s wrong.” — Amber Rae [40:17]
  • “Why am I afraid of disappointing others but so willing to disappoint myself?” — Amber Rae [49:26]

4. Honesty, Therapy, and Facing the Truth

• Denial in Couples Therapy:
  • Amber and her ex went to therapy but painted a rosy picture, avoiding discussing their lack of intimacy, essentially using therapy to convince themselves everything was fine.
  • “We were in this deep. We’ve, you know, our communities are now we’re in business together. It was like we were too far. How could we, like, blow it all up now?” — Amber Rae [47:55]

5. Deciding to Leave, Facing Judgment, and Self-Liberation

• The Decision:
  • The realization that staying was harder than leaving; preparing herself to be seen as “selfish.”
  • “I am no longer going to abandon myself. I am no longer going to disappoint myself so that I don’t disappoint others. And I am going to have to tolerate the discomfort of other people being mad at me and of other people not approving of my choices. And, like, that’s okay.” — Amber Rae [72:37]
• Judgment from Others:
  • Some friends supported her; others were highly judgmental or left her life entirely.
  • “I’ve probably lost like a dozen relationships.” — Amber Rae [70:05]
  • Both Amber and the hosts stress that projection and fear drive much of the judgment women face when breaking free from comfortable but stagnant partnerships.

6. Aftermath, Healing, and Building a New Relationship

• Relief Over Grief:
  • Amber grieved her marriage while still in it; the ending brought empowerment, not sadness.
  • “I wasn’t filled with grief. I was filled with relief because I finally honored myself and did the thing that, like, I knew I needed to do.” — Amber Rae [67:45]
• New Relationship (With John):
  • Explored fears around re-learning intimacy and sexuality after a long sexless marriage; humor and vulnerability in discussing rediscovering passion.
  • “I felt like a 16 year old girl and I was like, oh God, if I like can’t measure up or like I felt like we were equals in a lot of areas of our life. But like if I can’t measure up in the bedroom, will he leave me?” — Amber Rae [76:24]
• Transformation:
  • No longer seeking approval or harmony at her own expense. Creative work and personal relationships now come from a place of authenticity and self-knowledge.
  • “My gaze, I feel like is less outward and it’s more inward.” — Amber Rae [75:09]

7. Universal Messages from Amber’s Story

• Not Just a Love Story:
  • The book’s deeper focus is on self-love and personal liberation, not simply romantic fulfillment.
  • “Yes, this is a story of me leaving my marriage, but I think it’s more than that. It’s, you know, more than a love story. It’s a self-love and self-liberation story.” — Amber Rae [78:05]
• Encouragement to Listeners:
  • Emphasizes trusting your own inner knowing, making brave choices even in the face of judgment, and understanding that your life belongs to you.
  • “Maybe in another life. There is no other life. So, like, grab hold of this one and make the brave choice and do the thing that’s right for you.” — Amber Rae [78:38]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Amber on her initial intuition:
  • “So four years ago, while married, I looked into the eyes of a stranger and I had this knowing feeling of he’s your person.” [00:00]
• On leaving “good enough” for what’s true:
  • “Why am I afraid of disappointing others but so willing to disappoint myself?” — Amber Rae [49:26]
• On judgment:
  • “It tells me much more about their pain than it does about my own story. But … I didn’t need anyone to get it, because I thought that mattered. And I Can’t.” — Amber Rae [69:15]
• Hosts’ reflections:
  • “Why would you want to be with someone who isn’t happy with you or doesn’t want to be with you?” — Ashley Hesseltine [71:34]
• On sexual self-discovery:
  • “I was like, what do I do with this penis? And she’s like, you grab it.” — Amber Rae [76:29]
• Amber’s ultimate wish for readers:
  • “I want people to, you know, make the choices that are right and true for them ... grab hold of this one and make the brave choice and do the thing that’s right for you. Even if people are going to have feelings about it. Because at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is how you feel about your life.” — Amber Rae [78:56]

Essential Timestamps

• Amber’s “knowing” at meeting John: [00:00], [35:14], [51:47]
• Wedding day doubts: [36:43]
• Suppressing self in marriage: [49:26]–[50:00]
• On losing friendships through transition: [70:05]
• Discovering self after divorce: [67:45], [75:09]
• Sexual rediscovery and new relationship: [76:24]–[77:56]
• Universal takeaways: [78:05]–[78:56]

Tone and Takeaways

The tone is deeply candid and relatable—equal parts humor and raw honesty, with the hosts echoing themes from their own lives and sharing collective wisdom from years of listener correspondence. The atmosphere is supportive, affirming, and empowering, with plenty of laughter and a little irreverence. Amber’s story gives permission, as one host says, “to be a little selfish in the name of self-love,” and reminds listeners that “your happiness belongs to you.”

FINAL MESSAGE:
Amber Rae’s journey challenges long-held beliefs about obligation and fulfillment in relationships. Her story is an invitation to trust your desires, risk disappointment, and create a life that’s not just “good on paper”—but actually good for you.

Find Amber Rae’s book, Loveable, everywhere books are sold, and connect with her at heyamberrae on Instagram or amberrae.com.