Girls Gotta Eat – "What Do You Hide From Your Partner?"
Podcast: Girls Gotta Eat
Hosts: Ashley Hesseltine & Rayna Greenberg
Date: February 24, 2025
Episode Theme: Exploring the (mostly) harmless lies and little secrets people keep from their partners—and why.
Episode Overview
Ashley and Rayna dive into the subject of "white lies" in relationships, questioning what people hide from their partners, why these secrets are kept, and where to draw the line between harmless omission and harmful deception. They blend relatable anecdotes, listener polls, and expert insights with characteristic humor and candor. The episode explores everything from appearance-related fibs to financial secrets, emotional boundaries, and even state-by-state fetish data, all while maintaining a supportive, no-shame perspective.
Main Discussion Sections
1. Valentine’s Day & Relationship Traditions
[00:26–07:41]
- The hosts reminisce about spending previous Valentine’s Days together, usually working or performing.
- Discussion of gift-giving dynamics: Ashley describes getting her fiancé a kettlebell and "cutesy" gifts, while Rayna recalls low-effort boyfriend presents.
- The cohosts discuss the role of love languages in relationships, especially around holidays.
“I don’t know, Valentine’s Day for guys. Like, it feels like it’s more of a girly holiday… what do you get guys for Valentine’s Day?” — Ashley [03:11]
2. Wellness Routines, Environmental Anxiety, and "Better Living"
[10:08–29:45]
- Rayna talks about her gradual transition away from plastics and environmentally harmful products after a friend prompted her.
- Ashley discusses her own environmental and health anxieties, referencing concerns over air quality and choosing reasonable boundaries.
- They laugh at the futility of avoiding every toxin and the irony of California’s cancer warnings being on everything.
“You pull at this thread and it unravels, and suddenly it's, 'Should I just become someone else entirely?' I want to do things within reason." — Rayna [16:12]
"You can't avoid these chemicals, but you can limit your exposure, and you can take these steps when they're really potent." — Ashley [17:46]
3. State-by-State Fetish Deep Dive
[29:45–38:47]
- For levity, the hosts break down a Mashable list showing the most-searched fetishes in every US state, ranging from the familiar (face sitting, tickling) to the bizarre (smotherbox, vore).
- Amusing, bemused, and never shaming, they try to interpret unfamiliar terms and riff off the results.
“The number one on this list, I think it's pronounced 'vore.' ... It's Armie Hammer coded.” — Rayna [36:28]
“If you're a tall woman, move to those states... Men are like, I just want someone to hold me.” — Ashley [31:54]
4. Lies We Tell Our Partners: Exploring the Spectrum
[43:58–86:47]
Establishing the Theme
- The episode’s heart: Why do people lie to their partners? What’s considered "normal" fibbing?
- Rayna lists common categories from her research and listener polls:
- Finances
- Social activities
- Appearance and medical treatments
- Emotional state
- Past relationships
- Substance use
- Sex and pleasure
- Most lies are “white lies” (one or two per day, per studies) and about relatively mundane things.
"I think we all lie to our partners a little bit to just make the day go better, not hurt somebody’s feelings." — Rayna [50:08]
Why We Lie:
- To avoid judgment, shame, or conflict.
- To spare a partner’s feelings or avoid unnecessary drama.
- Sometimes, to protect autonomy and privacy.
Finances & Shopping
- Ashley admits being private, especially about spending, though both agree on the importance of financial independence.
- Rayna discusses compulsive shopping, Amazon packages, and "girl math" justifying returns as saving money.
"No one should care what you spend. You make your own money, you know, you make plenty of it... it’s just, like, how you feel a certain type of way." — Ashley [64:19]
Appearance (Botox, GLP-1s, Grooming)
- Many women lie or omit discussing Botox, plastic surgery, or weight-loss meds with their partners.
- Motivations range from not wanting to spoil the illusion of “natural” beauty, avoiding partner disapproval, or not wanting to debate.
- They encourage self-reflection: “Why are you hiding this? What do you fear?”
"He doesn’t know the difference. Again, like you said, well, I’ve been getting it." — Ashley (on husbands unable to tell the difference between Botox and natural aging) [54:25]
- Grooming: Nipple hair and chin hair tweezing are frequent “secrets,” but mostly treated as don't-ask-don't-tell.
Emotional State & Vulnerability
- Many listeners lie about having a "bad day" to avoid burdening their partner.
- Sometimes strategic, sometimes covering up a pattern of complaint.
- Ashley stresses the importance of not becoming the “cool girl” who never expresses needs.
"If you really feel like you can’t open up to your partner, that’s a problem." — Ashley [63:02]
Sex, Masturbation & Porn
- Some lie about porn consumption or masturbation, often to avoid conflict or judgment.
- The hosts note the gray area between privacy and deception, especially in sex-related matters.
Past Relationships & Sexual History
- “How many partners have you had?” or "Did you hook up with my friend?"—most say number is nobody’s business, but sometimes curiosity or context matters.
- Cheating history: Both hosts describe learning that being honest about youthful mistakes isn't always appreciated.
"I explained the situation... He made me feel really bad about it. I regretted telling him and being honest." — Rayna [78:26]
Social Life & Substance Use
- Omitting details about social outings, drinking, or drug use is common, especially when a partner might disapprove.
Where’s the Line?
[74:11, 77:42]
- Harm is key: If the secret affects your partner emotionally, physically, financially, or impacts their ability to make informed decisions, it crosses into inappropriate territory.
- Harmless fibs are seen as sometimes necessary lubrication for daily life; patterns of deception are red flags.
"If it directly impacts their life, if it's going to be a pervasive issue, if they're going to find out in the never trust me again kind of thing… that's the line." — Rayna [74:26]
Notable Quotes & Moments
- Ashley on People Lying About Where They’ve Been:
“I really don't lie to my fiancé a lot... I think the main thing I lie about to you, to friends, whatever is why I'm late.” [46:01] - On Permission to Age:
“What do you think about not wanting your partner to know you're aging? I mean, I don't want to be in that relationship.” — Ashley [52:19] - On Relationship to “Cool Girl” Persona:
“I think we've stopped selling girls this lie of the cool girl, and nothing bothers me, and I'm fine about everything... suddenly you're not a doormat, but, like, you've disappeared in this relationship.” — Rayna [62:24] - Defining a Liar:
“It was a lot of little harmless lies. But, like, when you add them up and you’re a liar.” — Rayna [84:32]
Timestamps for Key Segments
- [10:08] – Rayna’s wellness journey, anxiety around plastics and new routines.
- [19:31] – Cutting boards & the avalanche of health anxieties.
- [29:45] – State-by-State Fetish Rankings and comedic asides.
- [43:58] – The topic introduction: why we lie to our partners, and the six main categories.
- [50:08] – Discussion of financial lies.
- [53:48] – Appearance, Botox, and grooming secrets.
- [60:39] – Emotional state and when to share or withhold.
- [68:36] – Past relationships and sexual history, why omission or honesty can backfire.
- [74:11] – Drawing the line between harmless and harmful secrets.
Closing Thoughts
- The episode encourages nuanced thinking about honesty: it’s natural and sometimes necessary to leave things unsaid, but repeated, meaningful deception erodes trust.
- Motivation matters—ask “Do I lie to avoid harm, or to protect myself from accountability?”
- Vulnerability and communication fuel intimacy; sharing flaws and struggles often brings couples closer, not further apart.
“You could even become closer when you are more vulnerable and more real. You just never know.” — Ashley [84:04]
Final Takeaway
Everyone keeps little secrets, but the intention and potential harm of those lies are what matter most. Use self-reflection to figure out what, when, and why you're hiding—and trust your own judgment about when the truth truly matters.
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