What Do You Hide From Your Partner?

Summary

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Girls Gotta Eat – "What Do You Hide From Your Partner?"

Podcast: Girls Gotta Eat
Hosts: Ashley Hesseltine & Rayna Greenberg
Date: February 24, 2025
Episode Theme: Exploring the (mostly) harmless lies and little secrets people keep from their partners—and why.

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Episode Overview

Ashley and Rayna dive into the subject of "white lies" in relationships, questioning what people hide from their partners, why these secrets are kept, and where to draw the line between harmless omission and harmful deception. They blend relatable anecdotes, listener polls, and expert insights with characteristic humor and candor. The episode explores everything from appearance-related fibs to financial secrets, emotional boundaries, and even state-by-state fetish data, all while maintaining a supportive, no-shame perspective.

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Main Discussion Sections

1. Valentine’s Day & Relationship Traditions

[00:26–07:41]

• The hosts reminisce about spending previous Valentine’s Days together, usually working or performing.
• Discussion of gift-giving dynamics: Ashley describes getting her fiancé a kettlebell and "cutesy" gifts, while Rayna recalls low-effort boyfriend presents.
• The cohosts discuss the role of love languages in relationships, especially around holidays.

“I don’t know, Valentine’s Day for guys. Like, it feels like it’s more of a girly holiday… what do you get guys for Valentine’s Day?” — Ashley [03:11]

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2. Wellness Routines, Environmental Anxiety, and "Better Living"

[10:08–29:45]

• Rayna talks about her gradual transition away from plastics and environmentally harmful products after a friend prompted her.
• Ashley discusses her own environmental and health anxieties, referencing concerns over air quality and choosing reasonable boundaries.
• They laugh at the futility of avoiding every toxin and the irony of California’s cancer warnings being on everything.

“You pull at this thread and it unravels, and suddenly it's, 'Should I just become someone else entirely?' I want to do things within reason." — Rayna [16:12]

"You can't avoid these chemicals, but you can limit your exposure, and you can take these steps when they're really potent." — Ashley [17:46]

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3. State-by-State Fetish Deep Dive

[29:45–38:47]

• For levity, the hosts break down a Mashable list showing the most-searched fetishes in every US state, ranging from the familiar (face sitting, tickling) to the bizarre (smotherbox, vore).
• Amusing, bemused, and never shaming, they try to interpret unfamiliar terms and riff off the results.

“The number one on this list, I think it's pronounced 'vore.' ... It's Armie Hammer coded.” — Rayna [36:28]

“If you're a tall woman, move to those states... Men are like, I just want someone to hold me.” — Ashley [31:54]

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4. Lies We Tell Our Partners: Exploring the Spectrum

[43:58–86:47]

Establishing the Theme

• The episode’s heart: Why do people lie to their partners? What’s considered "normal" fibbing?
• Rayna lists common categories from her research and listener polls:
  • Finances
  • Social activities
  • Appearance and medical treatments
  • Emotional state
  • Past relationships
  • Substance use
  • Sex and pleasure
• Most lies are “white lies” (one or two per day, per studies) and about relatively mundane things.

"I think we all lie to our partners a little bit to just make the day go better, not hurt somebody’s feelings." — Rayna [50:08]

Why We Lie:

• To avoid judgment, shame, or conflict.
• To spare a partner’s feelings or avoid unnecessary drama.
• Sometimes, to protect autonomy and privacy.

Finances & Shopping

• Ashley admits being private, especially about spending, though both agree on the importance of financial independence.
• Rayna discusses compulsive shopping, Amazon packages, and "girl math" justifying returns as saving money.

"No one should care what you spend. You make your own money, you know, you make plenty of it... it’s just, like, how you feel a certain type of way." — Ashley [64:19]

Appearance (Botox, GLP-1s, Grooming)

• Many women lie or omit discussing Botox, plastic surgery, or weight-loss meds with their partners.
• Motivations range from not wanting to spoil the illusion of “natural” beauty, avoiding partner disapproval, or not wanting to debate.
• They encourage self-reflection: “Why are you hiding this? What do you fear?”

"He doesn’t know the difference. Again, like you said, well, I’ve been getting it." — Ashley (on husbands unable to tell the difference between Botox and natural aging) [54:25]

• Grooming: Nipple hair and chin hair tweezing are frequent “secrets,” but mostly treated as don't-ask-don't-tell.

Emotional State & Vulnerability

• Many listeners lie about having a "bad day" to avoid burdening their partner.
• Sometimes strategic, sometimes covering up a pattern of complaint.
• Ashley stresses the importance of not becoming the “cool girl” who never expresses needs.

"If you really feel like you can’t open up to your partner, that’s a problem." — Ashley [63:02]

Sex, Masturbation & Porn

• Some lie about porn consumption or masturbation, often to avoid conflict or judgment.
• The hosts note the gray area between privacy and deception, especially in sex-related matters.

Past Relationships & Sexual History

• “How many partners have you had?” or "Did you hook up with my friend?"—most say number is nobody’s business, but sometimes curiosity or context matters.
• Cheating history: Both hosts describe learning that being honest about youthful mistakes isn't always appreciated.

"I explained the situation... He made me feel really bad about it. I regretted telling him and being honest." — Rayna [78:26]

Social Life & Substance Use

• Omitting details about social outings, drinking, or drug use is common, especially when a partner might disapprove.

Where’s the Line?

[74:11, 77:42]

• Harm is key: If the secret affects your partner emotionally, physically, financially, or impacts their ability to make informed decisions, it crosses into inappropriate territory.
• Harmless fibs are seen as sometimes necessary lubrication for daily life; patterns of deception are red flags.

"If it directly impacts their life, if it's going to be a pervasive issue, if they're going to find out in the never trust me again kind of thing… that's the line." — Rayna [74:26]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Ashley on People Lying About Where They’ve Been:
  “I really don't lie to my fiancé a lot... I think the main thing I lie about to you, to friends, whatever is why I'm late.” [46:01]
• On Permission to Age:
  “What do you think about not wanting your partner to know you're aging? I mean, I don't want to be in that relationship.” — Ashley [52:19]
• On Relationship to “Cool Girl” Persona:
  “I think we've stopped selling girls this lie of the cool girl, and nothing bothers me, and I'm fine about everything... suddenly you're not a doormat, but, like, you've disappeared in this relationship.” — Rayna [62:24]
• Defining a Liar:
  “It was a lot of little harmless lies. But, like, when you add them up and you’re a liar.” — Rayna [84:32]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [10:08] – Rayna’s wellness journey, anxiety around plastics and new routines.
• [19:31] – Cutting boards & the avalanche of health anxieties.
• [29:45] – State-by-State Fetish Rankings and comedic asides.
• [43:58] – The topic introduction: why we lie to our partners, and the six main categories.
• [50:08] – Discussion of financial lies.
• [53:48] – Appearance, Botox, and grooming secrets.
• [60:39] – Emotional state and when to share or withhold.
• [68:36] – Past relationships and sexual history, why omission or honesty can backfire.
• [74:11] – Drawing the line between harmless and harmful secrets.

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Closing Thoughts

• The episode encourages nuanced thinking about honesty: it’s natural and sometimes necessary to leave things unsaid, but repeated, meaningful deception erodes trust.
• Motivation matters—ask “Do I lie to avoid harm, or to protect myself from accountability?”
• Vulnerability and communication fuel intimacy; sharing flaws and struggles often brings couples closer, not further apart.

“You could even become closer when you are more vulnerable and more real. You just never know.” — Ashley [84:04]

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Final Takeaway

Everyone keeps little secrets, but the intention and potential harm of those lies are what matter most. Use self-reflection to figure out what, when, and why you're hiding—and trust your own judgment about when the truth truly matters.

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Find the Girls Gotta Eat Podcast:

• Website
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• TikTok
• Vibes Only
• YouTube

Share this episode with a friend who’s hiding their Amazon purchases—or their smotherbox.

Transcript

[A]

Like, can you imagine?

[B]

Your man comes home, he's like, what have you been tweezing? Did you tweeze your chin today? This podcast is a Dear Media production. Hi, guys. Hi, guys.

[A]

Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta eat.

[B]

Welcome back.

[A]

Happy Valentine's Day.

[B]

Happy Valentine's Day.

[A]

I know.

[B]

We're 10 years. Ten days since, you know, it's such a big holiday, you celebrate it for 10 days. Just kidding. But we are recording a little bit farther out than normal.

[A]

Yeah, definitely further out than normal.

[B]

But on Valentine's Day, our special day.

[A]

You said you wanted to be together today.

[B]

So what, seven years running? Eight years running.

[A]

Sorry. This will be our eighth year. This is my first Valentine's Day not spent with you in the evening, but.

[B]

We'Re still together all day. Oh, in the evening.

[A]

Yeah. So we were trying to remember, like, run the tape on the. So the last two years, we were at the Improv. You hosted shows at the Improv in Hollywood. Hollywood. And we've done shows a lot. We've been in Vancouver for jfl. I don't know if we ever did, like, a friends thing in New York. I feel like we've mostly hosted shows on Valentine's Day or that weekend.

[B]

I feel like I really need to run the tape on every time. Tell me if this is Valentine's Day or not. I'm gonna. We're playing trivia now. We were just able to dine back inside, and it was still really cold out. And we went to Eataly, and then we went to Gupshop. And when we were in Italy, it was nice and warm and cozy. And then something happened midway through. Like, I don't know if an inspector came up.

[A]

A cop showed up.

[B]

A cop showed up, and they opened up all the windows, and we were sitting there, like, freezing. Cause it was February, New York. I really think that was Valentine's Day.

[A]

Did you. It just. No. We all were black. I guess that's every day in New York.

[B]

But I swear that was Valentine's Day. And I remember I was, like, dming with this guy, the one, like, influencer guy I was talking to.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I just have this feeling it was.

[A]

I can't confirm or deny. I actually don't remember. I feel like. No, because I don't remember a lot of red decor around that. But, like, it was weird times because you just couldn't really be inside.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, this is my first Valentine's evening without you.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'm excited, though. So I had, like, a bunch of girls that I was gonna hang out with, and then one has to be out of town, and one I'm not hanging out with tonight. Hannah and I had dinner plans, and she was like, I made a reservation for, like, six girls. And I was like, who do you want to invite? And last night she texted me and was like, do you want to, like, stay in and watch Love is Blind and order John and Vinny's, which is a great Italian restaurant in la? And I was like, I just came.

[B]

Totally. That sounds.

[A]

We Light My Fire, we sleep.

[B]

Porn category, Love is Blind and John and Vinny's.

[A]

Am I gonna try to. Hannah.

[B]

Maybe I could see it at this point. Love is Blind has been on, and we'll be talking about it on the snack. But, yeah, I am doing a show tonight.

[A]

If you're not with me, you're doing.

[B]

I love comedy on Valentine's Day. Yeah.

[A]

I love an activity on holidays like.

[B]

This, But I'm doing, like, a 10pm show, so my fiance will come. We'll go to dinner before. I guess, where are we gonna go to dinner? And then Usama is on the show, so I'm excited for them to meet you guys.

[A]

A former guest of ours and the biggest hands. Just fingers for days. Comedian. I'm so jealous you're gonna see him.

[B]

Yeah. And we're gonna do, like, gifts. But I thought it was funny because I got him a lot of really thoughtful and expensive Christmas gifts. I went, like, full send for Christmas. Yeah. And I was just like, I don't know, Valentine's Day for guys. Like, it feels like it's more of a girly holiday. Like, I woke up, he had flowers for me. Like, I'm sure he'll. You know, he did a lot for me last year. It doesn't. I don't know, like, what do you get guys for Valentine's Day?

[A]

Blow jobs. Exactly.

[B]

Of course. All of that.

[A]

Cook him dinner, sucker dick.

[B]

All that's on deck.

[A]

Yeah. Birthdays, Christmas holidays.

[B]

He has to come watch me tell jokes about him, and then he gets to fuck me. Yeah. No, I'll blow him. But I did, like, something.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I got him, like, some funny, cutesy things. I found, like, dice that you roll to pick, like, where you want to eat. You know, couples are always like, what should we eat tonight? Like, there's a dice that's just, like, Mexican or steak or, you know, burgers, and you can roll it and then these. Like, I got him some other cutesy things, and then his main gift is I'm getting him A kettlebell. And he didn't. He loves a kettlebell.

[A]

He works that way. Oh, he does. This isn't, like, a subtle hint. Workout equipment can be interpreted in different ways. That's so funny.

[B]

Yeah. And I say that I'm getting it. Cause I haven't got it yet. I'll go after this. We're not doing gifts until later.

[A]

I had a boyfriend in New York that broug Dwayne Reed bag. And just handed it to me, and he had, like, just come from Dwayne Reed with, like, a card. He even fill the card out. It had, like, candy and some, like, garbage bull. He was like, I don't have time to wrap it. I was like, you just came from Dwayne Reed.

[B]

Literally, it's in the bag.

[A]

In the bag.

[B]

The receipt from Dwayne.

[A]

The receipt was still in there.

[B]

The receipt. I've talked to him anyway to take it back. Yeah, of course. But no, he works out with a kettlebell, and he didn't send it here from Boston. So he hasn't bought one yet. I'm just, like, hoping he doesn't come home with one every day. Because this is gonna be my big. My big gift. I think it's, like, 30 bucks. Tessa, can you Google where I need to go? Like, Dick's or something? Like, where do you.

[A]

Where do you get one? Like, so there isn't a Dick's around here. And I know this because I tried to find. I was gonna go get an Eagles jersey for the Super Bowl.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I could not figure out where in LA to find it. There is a Ross right by my.

[B]

There's a big five near you, Ashley. Big five. What is that? Oh, it's a sporting goods store. Okay. I thought the big five is where you get those pickles and more finals. That's it.

[A]

Actually, it's a superstore, and you can get kettlebells and pickles.

[B]

Wait, okay, first of all, can we back up? I'm so upset. I didn't know you were trying to wear an Eagles jersey. Because I have one that says Heseltine on the back, and I would have loved for you to wear that.

[A]

Well, I want to surprise you. And I felt really. So you and I went to this really wonderful Valentine's Day at actually our friend Hannah's, and she just had, like, TikTok searched all these, like, different decorations. She had, like, cups and themes. She had little gifts. It was so nice. And I was like, man, I really did not theme the super bowl party the way I wanted to. I Like, I just was spending so much money and there were so many people coming over. It was 20 people. I had to, like, cook and buy alcohol.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I. I do like a theme. So I tried last minute to find the eagle stuff, and I couldn't.

[B]

Okay. Oh, well, what are you gonna do? We have next year.

[A]

Your relationship is. Interesting's the wrong word. You guys always buy each other a lot of gifts. You're very thoughtful. You're always like, he sends flowers when you're out of town. He's always thinking of, like, little ways. He sends you food all the time. Like, when you were like, long distance. Like, gift giving is, like, so much his love, Lang. I think he does all the love languages. But you guys gift a lot in a way that I have never experienced from a partner. Maybe it's because I predict only date Brooke dudes. So no one's ever sent me anything so, like, he's ever that one rich guy who was sending his assistant to stand in line, encourage for me. And I was like, but you didn't do this.

[B]

You're both extremes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You've had, like, the rich guy who is not going to put in the thought and effort. Someone else is going to do it. And you've had the broke dudes. No. You've had him gifts.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So he is so thoughtful when it comes from his, like, mom and even his aunt. So they get me presents, and I'm like, don't. Like, I send stuff to his family. Like, I sent them a big basket on Christmas day. But, like, he just recently. Because he shipped it because it was like, how else am I going to get this? I was like, it's. It's no rush. But, like, his aunt, who I met once, got me really nice Christmas gifts. And I know. And then sometimes, like, he'll be like, my mom wanted to get something for Raina. I'm like, okay, we gotta stop this. Oh, my God, Ashley.

[A]

I just reminded. She sent me a gift and I forgot. Can you seriously make a note right now and tell me after we record? I have to thank her.

[B]

Yes. She got you a gift. His mom, My fiance's mom, who Reina's met zero times. Never time. Never, never times, never times. You guys were supposed to meet, and then they couldn't come to brunch.

[A]

His sister I met, who I'm, like, crazy about.

[B]

Yes. But so he is crazy thoughtful, and he always has been. And so many flowers when we were dating. Obviously, we're long distance, and so the flowers now are a little more Difficult. So he, like, woke up this morning, and he got out of bed, and he was, like, in the garage doing whatever he was doing. And then I. Flowers. When I went downstairs.

[A]

You know what's funny is I walked into our, like, office space today. There's two bouquets of flowers sitting on the desk. And I started rooting around in them because I was like, for sure they're for us. For.

[B]

Sure they're for us.

[A]

I mean, they were not my business to touch them, but they're behind the desk in the office. And there was two bouquets of flowers, and I was, like, there reading the cards. You're, like, lame.

[B]

You're judging the cards. Whose flowers are this?

[A]

Whose grocery store flowers are these? I went through somebody else's flowers.

[B]

I'm so dead.

[A]

All right, well, we'll thank our parties. Oh, my God. We haven't thanked our partners.

[B]

We will. Okay. We'll get.

[A]

All right. Thanks to built. Get points by paying [e-mail] GGA and.

[B]

Thank you to Hungryroot. Get 40% off your first delivery and free item in every box for [e-mail] GGE with code GGE and Symbiotica. Get 20 off and free [e-mail] Girls gotta eat. Okay.

[A]

Okay. I had this, like, amazing thing I was so excited to talk about. Then I had this, like, aha moment. So I had, like, a morning hang this week with a friend. Yeah, this girl that I'm friends with said that she was coming to Venice in the morning to pick up some Valentine's Day gifts for her boyfriend on Abbot Kinney. And she was like, I wonder what.

[B]

The gifts are now. What'd she get him? I need inspo. Why did you find a fucking kettlebell?

[A]

So it's a new relationship. So she was like, it's new. It's not like an I love you relationship yet.

[B]

Sex toys, then.

[A]

Yeah. I said, you got. You got to revert to, like, sex stuff also. I should have offered her a sex toy, and I did not. I can't give out sex toys all willy nilly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, I think about that sometimes. Like, when you will tell me, like, I gave so and so a sex toy. I'm like, well, they deserve it. They're our close friend. We've never given them anything. You gave some stuff to Taylor recently. I should probably give some stuff to Alyssa. She's done me some favors, but, like, I'm just not handing them out. And I don't really have in my house Anymore.

[B]

I have so many other brands that we've tested, I'm start giving them out. I use this once and it's not even ours, but I washed it. Yeah. Anyway, while we're here, guys, vibes only. Our premium sex toys. Amazing gifts. A great gift. I mean any gift, any season. Like stuff like the handcuffs or the blow gel. Like even just entree into kink. We have it all.

[A]

That massage candle. We even talk about that that much. You're like what should I do for a date night?

[B]

That totally.

[A]

But this girl, she texted me and she said she was going to have a kitty. And she was like, are you out in the morning? Take a walk. And I was like it's actually supposed to rain but if you want to like stop over, we'll have a coffee. And she came over like 9am we hung out for like 90 minutes. It started my day like so nice. And I was like, why are we like doing this? More like morning hangs. Like I don't have to get dressed. I looked horrible. I had no makeup on. I'm just drinking coffee. I don't get drunk. Like it's nice. Started my so good and I was like I'm gonna like blow people's minds suggesting this. Then I was like, oh yeah, people have to work.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like people have jobs.

[B]

I don't know. So many more people aren't going into the office.

[A]

You know, I don't know anybody that's going to the office anymore.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Barely anybody.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But like if I put my phone down for 30 minutes. I mean you and I are on 100 group texts together.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It. I feel the anxiety building in my body.

[B]

But I love the coffee date. And I mean I was, I said I was gonna do this thing that I did once. I said I was gonna do in the new year and that. Well then the. Actually so I. I may have. But I was going to do Friday lunch dates with friends. You did tell me you're going to do that. And then I was going to do the 3pm yoga class at Y7 cuz it's in West Hollywood. So I was going to do like a West Hollywood lunch date with a friend. Whoever. Whoever is available. Whoever I want to see. And yeah, I did it once and then the city burned down. But I'll pick it back up. But I like when people suggest a coffee.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

But here's the thing. Like a walk you're having someone at your home, little risky and you know you gotta have an out plan. Before you knew she had to Go.

[A]

I knew she had to leave.

[B]

If you're gonna have someone to your house for coffee, which I love that you did. I think you guys had such a nice time. Like, I think you gotta be like, I gotta get on a call at 10:30. You know, like, people try to stay. Not that they're trying to overstay their welcome, but how do you end this? Is the coffee done? You know? Like, how do you get them outta your house? If you were like, all right, now I gotta get to work.

[A]

I actually think that it's the perfect time to have an out because you can just say, I gotta get to work. I gotta. I have a meeting at 11. I need to get going. Like, oh, shit, look at the. Like, sometimes I'm out at night and I'm like, when can we call it? Who's going to be the first person to start the leaving?

[B]

Actually, you're so right. It's. The out is way easier when it's in the morning. Because the nighttime hang, people will just stay.

[A]

Not me. You never have to worry about me staying, but everybody else, right? If a hang is at my house, I will hang forever. If I don't have to change venues, nothing gets me out of there quicker than when I'm having a nice time. At dinner, everyone's hanging and drinking, and somebody suggests, let's get a drink at the next bar. I am not a next bar early. I don't need to change the background when I'm already enjoying the company that I have in front of me. I know people agree with me and they love it. They love to go to the next place. The next place. I don't wanna do it.

[B]

I have learned over the years, if you are having a good time, stay. If you have plans and a reservation, that's different. But if you just are like, we thought when we started the night we would bounce around, but you're having a good time. The vibes are high, the people are good. Whatever's the music, whatever's on in the first place, don't leave. You're not gonna find that again. It just, like, stop thinking the grass is greener. Yes.

[A]

It changes the vibe.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You and I were out with four girls and you lose the, like, dynamic. We were out four girls the other night for dinner at Companion. Is that what it's called in Venice? Which I love. Great restaurant. It's new if you guys want to check it out. It's Italian. The four of us, it was a perfect four top. And then we got up and we went to the next place. And we had to sit in a line at the bar. And I don't want to do that. It fucks up the. It fucks up the dynamic for me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I didn't want to leave.

[B]

Yeah. So someone's always gonna be the brave person to be like, hey, guys, are we having fun here? Let's stay. It's not gonna be more fun.

[A]

It's never gonna be more fun for me.

[B]

I mean, unless it's like a really, like a pre game and then like a club. Yeah, you gotta get to the club. But if you're just gonna go to another bar just cause you think the people are gonna be better, the music's gonna be better. But if you're having fun, just stay.

[A]

I don't want it. Hold it down. I'm old. I don't wanna put my coat on now. I don't have to walk somewhere like New York. Fine, New York, you, bars in 12 seconds. But like, I don't want to like rejigger the seating, interrupt my conversation. I don't want to do it.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I feel like in my 20s, I mean, you always want to bounce around. And then more as I got in my 30s, like, I would be the person if. If someone is like suggesting should we go to the next place? I'd be like, what if we just stay here? We got tab open, I got nachos on the way. Like, let's just stay.

[A]

What if. What if we don't get up? Right? I'm gonna try to get up. I'm not a next place kind of girl.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I've really leaned into not being fun.

[B]

Okay, well, I love your ideas. Just more daytime hangs in general. And we always say this. And it's a great way to get to know somebody. A new friend is to just do those like coffee or lunches again. Like, you meet somebody, you're like, I don't know if I could go out with her all night or even sit to a dinner. You do a coffee date.

[A]

This girl's into her friend and I just have a great time. I love talking to her. She's great. Okay, so speaking of, like, me and my personality traits, I'm gonna try something new.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I want to talk to you about it.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

It's a journey. Okay, but. Okay, so I had a friend stay with me last week and she is very much on a journey of like, organic, healthy decision making for what she puts in her body and on her body.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she made some suggestions about my house. And I was like, I could try this. So, like, I use a lot of water bottles, a lot of plastic water bottles. And she's like, it's a lot of waste, and plastic is not great for your body. You know, stuff like goes into the bottle, it sits in a warehouse for months, and then you're consuming it. She's big into, like, microplastic. And so I started looking into this filter that I could put in my fridge, which will be an easy change. And then I was like, what else do I do? This plastic that I should stop doing. And so I threw out all my plastic cutting boards. Cause, oh, my God, every time you slice into a plastic cutting board.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I just started looking into, like, plastic cutting boards, and it's an easy, cheap swap for me to do a bamboo cutting board. So just wood. And then I was like, what about the stuff that I store my food in? And so then I'm like, all right, I'm not gonna toss out all my Tupperware, but I will stop microwaving stuff in plastic.

[B]

That. What you've just been microwaving stuff in plastic.

[A]

I read stuff in plastic.

[B]

Let's start Raina's GoFundMe because she's gonna go through some sort of treatment. Not the microwaving of the. Oh, my God.

[A]

So, you know, once you tug on this string a little bit, like, it really starts to unravel of, I mean, everything. Seed oils in your food and red dye. And then when you start thinking about what you put in your body, you're like, well, what about what I put on my body? So, like, what about my body wash and lotion and the determin detergent? And what about what I wash my dishes with? Like, those plastic? This is not an anti. Big plastic.

[B]

The detergent pods.

[A]

The detergent pods. So you and I have used blue Lantern for years, and I love those tabs, and those are really good. They're like, eco friendly. But you think about the chemicals, and, I mean, you could go on and on and on forever. And there has to be a point at which you just say, like, I should be allowed to live my life. But I started getting served all these videos about, like, shredded cheese that you buy at the store versus, like, grating your own cheese, shredding your own cheese. Fruit that's pre cut that, like, sits in its own juices in this plastic. And I don't. Not everybody has access to, like, erewhana across the street. And these things are very precut fruit over here. I'm just saying, when you put. When you tug on the string and you're like, I could overhaul my entire life and become a totally different person. But I wanna do it within reason. I wanna do some things slowly and replace some things. And I don't wanna spend like a fortune. Cause I think a lot of people are like, well, I don't have the money to replace all this stuff. You can't just throw out everything you have. But as I get older and I'm heading towards my 40s, I wanna take care. And I mean, you and I have said this for such a long time. When we travel sounds so pretentious. Like, when I go to Europe every summer, I feel better. It's not the same type of foods that are here. And so I just want to make some better decisions for myself. And at some point I'm going to have to, like, hard. Stop it. Because I can't replace everything in my house.

[B]

Yeah, I am with you. I mean, you can be a completely neurotic, obsessive person and you can raise your children that way. You're welcome to do that. But like, we are gonna ingest these chemicals one way or the other. I mean, I got really obsessive over the air quality after the fires. And I was like doing so much research and what were acceptable levels. And it got these air purifiers and I'm checking those along with like the weather app. And like, then. But that doesn't account for all the chemicals. Cause all these houses burned down and there's all the lead and asbestos from the houses. And it's not just like the typical pollutants that we have every day. And I had to just. Just make my own boundaries up. And I had to be like, okay, well, maybe if it's over 50, I will wear a mask or something like that, you know. But like, I had to tell myself, like, these chemicals, these PM chemicals, PM10.5.2.5. PM 2.5 is the ones that like, really get in your. They're tiny. You can't see them. They get in your lungs. You can't avoid them. They're in the air. They're in the air no matter what city you're in. You know, like, the. The air quality here is so many. Better than so many other countries and also worse than other countries. Like, I just had to be like, I. You can't avoid these chemicals, but you can. Can limit your exposure and you can take these steps when they're really potent or prevalent in the atmosphere. So, like, yeah, you can't be psychotic I mean, it's the same with germs. You know, if you really start to think about the type of germs and when you're traveling on an airplane or whatever. And, you know, I get it. Some people are like, I would never come home from the airport and, like, sit on my furniture. And it's like, yeah, you. You can live like that. But I've had to start being like, I. I've been all right. You know, I've been all right in my outside clothes on the couch, you know? But the cutting board thing is really interesting because there are these ads, obviously, get served, and they basically cut something up on a plastic, and then they take the knife, and all that plastic goes into your food and your body.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You know, so whatever. It was an ad for a titanium cutting board. So then they're saying, like, wood is bad too. Cause it absorbs too much wood chips. Like it. Wool absorbs too much meat. Stuff like that. Not even the wood chips into the wood. They're too absorbent. Whatever. Got it. So I tell my fiance. I was like, we're doing titanium and cutting boards. Boards. And he was like, you gotta slow your roll, sis. You know? Like, he was like, we will get rid of the plastic, but wood's fine. And we're not gonna put a knife on titanium. That makes me, like, want to die. And I'm like, you're right. You're right. So we, like, met in the middle.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I don't have titanium cut. No offense to big titanium and, like, the cutting boards out there. But, like, even when he started to say, like, think about putting a knife on that, I'm like, you're right. It gives me the egg.

[A]

Yeah, it gives me the egg a little bit.

[B]

And he was like, you wash wood. It's clean. And, like, you were. Sanitize it. We'll wash it. It's like, wood's fine. We've decided wood is fine for us, for our.

[A]

Okay, I'm a wood family now. I.

[B]

The plastic cutting boards, you see all the knife ridges in them? So that plastic went somewhere, and it's in your food and your body.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

But that happens. We cannot avoid plastics in our body completely.

[A]

We can't.

[B]

You really got me started. You started this.

[A]

I knew you were going to. I was really hoping you would like this conversation. And I. I was talking to my friend who inspired this, and she was like, you can't bring up the seed oils on the podcast. You get 10,000 emails about it. And I was like, I do think we're going to get a lot of emails about this. I think we're all the. Well, actually, people are going to show up. I'm not sitting here right now saying I won't have any seed oils. Also natural flavors, like, if you see that on a label, that means the opposite of natural flavors. That means in a lab somebody tinkered around and created a flavor and then injected it into the food. I can't get that far into it. But I said it. I was like, we'll get so many. Well, actually emails about this.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, it's like anything else. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You know, I don't think that we can avoid those things completely. And you've had them up till now, you know, you, for example, you know, so. So I just think, like, you have to decide where you want to limit your exposure and what things you don't want to care about and what things you do. I do go to the farmer's market every Saturday morning and get my fruit for the week and get a few other, like vegetables and fish and things like that. But I still buy at some of the grocery store. I try to stick to whole foods. I mean, you can only do what you can do.

[A]

You can only do what you can do.

[B]

And then you're eating out at restaurants, you don't know what they're doing.

[A]

Don't ever see myself getting to the point of like making it my whole personality. Like, I want to know that I'm doing something bad for my body. It's fine. I go out to the restaurant and I eat like a 6,000 calorie meal and it's like, that's my choice. That is my choice. But I don't want to like cut into plastic or be drinking out of plastic because to me, that's not an expensive swap either. You know what I mean? Like, I don't need to buy water bottles and be wasting this much stuff. I can just. There's a filter in my fridge. I'll just use it.

[B]

Yeah. And then Donald Trump signed an executive order banning paper straws. We have to use plastic straws. Like, what an absolute fucking clown. And no, I don't like paper straw. We've also come so far from paper straws. Like, the straws that are not plastic that are out there now are great. Like those early days we were just. We had paper disintegrating in our mouth. But, like, they're better now. I don't know. There's different alternatives. Like, we didn't have to go back to plastic. Like, he's a fucking clown. I mean, that's so many things. He is. But, like, in that way, it's like, this is what you're spending your time and energy on. Like, you're. This is not the flex you think it is. We've been fine.

[A]

Yeah, we've been fine.

[B]

So I'm not gonna.

[A]

I'll see how far down the road I kick this and how long this takes and, you know, how long this lasts, but I'm gonna make some different decisions for myself.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I hate that you just would always have, like, a fridge full of not even spring water, you guys, Purified water, Just Aquafina, you know, just Pepsi Dasani. But I have a filter that I heard about on, like, a podcast. I think it's called Clearly Filtered. And I just heard some expert say that this was the best one. Like, better than, like, a Brita or whatever. So I use Clearly Filtered. And. And that's supposed to get the most bad shit and chemicals out of your water.

[A]

I don't think it's that hard to, like, swap out the kind of detergent you use. So we'll see.

[B]

Okay. You're on your journey.

[A]

How long this goes. I am. I'm excited about it. And I have faith in our audience that they're gonna send helpful emails and not be like, well, actually, well.

[B]

And if you want to be like, you're exaggerating. It's like, all right, fine. That's your truth. I don't know. Like, we have the most cancer in the world. I mean, and then in California, everything has a what Prop 65 warning on it. It's just like, this could cause cancer or reproductive harm. Every I saw in the lobby of a hotel, materials in this hotel could cause cancer. Oh, what should I do? I was going to get married here. Everything you buy on Amazon has the Prop 65.

[A]

There's tons of. You can't even get sent to the state of California. Yeah, I was shopping for, like, faucets, and most of the faucets I couldn't get sent here.

[B]

I mean, it's like, I appreciate. Yeah. California's Proposition 65, also known as the Safe Drinking Water and Toxic Enforcement Act. I'm sure Donald Trump will cancel this out as soon as he gets the opportunity. Requires businesses to warn Californians about exposures to chemicals that make cause cancer, birth defects, a reproductive harm, which is just kind of everything. So when you buy something, it says, like, the packaging. So it's not my air filter for Example, it's like the plastic around it. It's just, it's plastic essentially, I think because it's on everything. But the fact that I saw that in a hotel, I was like, oh, all right. I hope that my guests don't see this. I hope you guys aren't pregnant. You just.

[A]

I'll get married here, but you have to cover.

[B]

This pregnant friend comes in, she's like.

[A]

Excuse me, it's healthy here. I mean, I will say things are healthy here, but you know, everybody has what we works well for their body. And I think about that in relation to like exercise. Cause you have a million people plugging different exercise plans. Some people are like, only cardio. It's the only way you lose weight. And then you have other people who are like, well, actually weightlifting is the thing that leads to weight loss. And well, actually it's a combo of this type of all carb diet with cardio. Everybody has like the magic habit of how it's gonna change your life. And I can't subscribe to any of those things.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Also like different diets. People are like, well, this workout with this diet will make you look like this. We know people that just like count every calorie you is so different and.

[B]

What works for them. And I really subscribe to like lifting weight and building muscle to achieve the type of body you want. You can't just do all cardio. You can.

[A]

I'm not going to become like a health influencer or anything girly. I'll probably become like a home goods Amazon Influencer is so on her journey.

[B]

To anti vaxx is not even.

[A]

Catch me in 2026.

[B]

Raina popped a bottle when RFK got confirmed.

[A]

Hypothetically.

[B]

Put it up. Get in, loser. We're getting polio again. We laugh because what are you gonna do? What are you doing? Cry.

[A]

I'm excited that you like this topic because I was like, of course I do. I was like.

[B]

So my fiance said, has anyone ever called you a hypochondriac? And I was like, that's not the right word.

[A]

I just like to complain about stuff.

[B]

Hypochondriac is you always think something's wrong with you.

[A]

Finish and I'll give you my thoughts on you.

[B]

Okay. It was about the cutting boards, it was about the air quality, all of that. Like, that was kind of at a high. For a moment I was really. I was feeling panicky about. I mean, we don't know what was in the air. And it was really. It was a 150. Like it was, it was bad, it was scary, it was smoky, it was ashy, whatever. And then I got in this cutting board thing, whatever. So he said that. And he said it in like a totally, a kind, gentle, loving way. But I was like, I clap back. First of all, it's a wrong word. Google it. Have I ever, like, thought I was sick when I wasn't? I'm not a hypochondriac, but like, I don't know the word for what he meant. Where you just are like constantly like worrying about like adverse health effects or whatever.

[A]

Health is very important to you. It's like tantamount. And I actually, I don't think you're hypochondriac at all. I just, I think when you, when you're like, this thing is happening, I think you put all of your energy and resources into googling it, understanding it, having it addressed. You don't want it to go on for a long time. If your knee hurts for a little bit, you kick it 10 steps down the road. You're like, like, what if I have to get my knee amputated if I don't take care of it today? I mean, we're just, we're a few steps away from doing that. I, I don't know what the word is. You take it very seriously. And I don't know that's a bad thing. It's your body.

[B]

I just get a little worked up and I do sometimes have to like, calm myself down. I mean, again, he was like, we don't need titanium cutting boards. I'm like, you, right? You know, like, I, I can be rational. I do worry about our health. I mean, my health is just so important. And, and I do think we have problems here in this country, clearly, with health and what's in our food. And I worry about it, my nephews, everything, the environment, our climate, all that stuff. But, like, you can only worry so much. You gotta go about your life.

[A]

I don't think you're hypochondriac. I just say I think you, like, this thing is happening and you become like, hyper focused on, like, how do I fix this? It's only about you and your body, by the way. It's not about, like, other people.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I don't police other people. You do. You.

[A]

The air quality thing was really scary. Sometimes it's like a 20 here, like after it rains. And then two weeks ago, that weekend was like, at 100, I didn't leave the house.

[B]

Yeah, it's really bad. And so, like, I Was talking to a doctor about it of like, you can use 50 kind of as that gauge. But again, the whole thing was like, we don't know everything that burned down. Cars burned, houses burned. Like, all that stuff blowing over here. So anyway, well, I would like to validate.

[A]

Not a hypochondriac.

[B]

Not the right word. Me.

[A]

What is the word for your arm could be hanging off and you'd still be like, I'll go to work first. I worked in restaurants.

[B]

Randall life, it's rain, raw dog.

[A]

It's type B energy. I have gotten on stage when I feel sick, I'll go to work when I don't feel good. Not contagious, not feel, but like, I'll push through most things, and I don't care that much. Most of the time I'm like, is this a problem or is it just being alive? We'll chalk it up to being alive.

[B]

Yeah. For me, it just depends on what the ailment is. I feel like I can push through, and I've obviously never canceled a show in my life. But nausea, Forget it. Pregnant women who have morning sickness. Sickness. How do you live?

[A]

I don't.

[B]

I don't understand the tiniest bit of nausea. I'm. I can't come, and I don't get nauseous nausea. I'd rather have a broken limb. I know you would not. I could throw up right now thinking about just a time I've been nauseous. Like, pregnant women just deal with that every day.

[A]

I can't believe they get pregnant, they go to work. It's crazy to me.

[B]

Like, pregnant women are just sitting there at work like, yeah, doing spreadsheets.

[A]

Some dumb man is telling you what to do, and you're like, I'm trying to grow a person and not throw up.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like work.

[B]

You have all my admiration. Yeah.

[A]

You're the strongest people.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Stronger than I could ever be.

[B]

Okay, let's talk about fetishes. So we just thought I saw this thing and it said, the most searched fetishes in your state. And they put it on Mashable, but it says clips for sale. Is that a porn site has released its United States of fetish. The United States is divided politically. But what about fetish preference? As it turns out, we're pretty divided on that too. And of course, you guys know we're not in the business of kink shaming. Whatever you guys want to explore on the Internet or get involved in, legally, consensually, ethically, you know, we don't care, but we Just thought some of these things were very funny and we didn't even know about a lot of them. So we just wanted to discuss like a light way.

[A]

There's some one offs that only exist in one state. There's quite a few of those. And then there's one that dominated the list.

[B]

Oh my God. And I don't even know.

[A]

I'll tell you what it is.

[B]

Okay, so how do they know people are searching fetishes? Because Wyoming just searched cpr. What if they're just trying to give cpr?

[A]

Well, is it based on a porn site?

[B]

Okay, yeah, I guess so.

[A]

Like CPR is funny. Well, CPR probably means what? It's not erotic asphyxiation.

[B]

CPR is like a life saving technique.

[A]

Maybe they're turned on by the erotic asphyxiation and they need to get cpr.

[B]

Okay, I'm really into Kansas, Louisiana and Maine. Face sitting.

[A]

It's funny because I didn't know that that was a fetish, but I guess it is. Fart. Fart had one. Idaho. And Virginia. Delaware is the only one in here being gagged. Delaware gagged.

[B]

But also, do you think Delaware is just searching? Like, what does it mean when you're gagged? Like where the kids. What do the kids mean when they say it?

[A]

I think it's a porn site.

[B]

No. Okay, yeah.

[A]

This one I did not think would chart so high. Giantess, meaning just big. Big what? Big people. Oh, large.

[B]

Just plus size porn. Is that really all it means?

[A]

Just large people?

[B]

Oh, like superhuman size giants. Like the Hulk or like superwoman or like Godzilla. A female giant.

[A]

Female giant. And this is pretty popular. Okay, this is very popular. So Arizona, D.C. indiana, New York, New Jersey, and Tennessee. The most searched fetish.

[B]

Giant, giant, woman. If you're a tall, move to those states. Europe. People want.

[A]

Men are like, I just want someone to hold me. All right, here's what I don't know and we're gonna look it up together. Smotherbox.

[B]

I was just looking at that. Maryland. Maryland with smotherbox mother.

[A]

Okay, what do you think it means before I tell you?

[B]

Smother box. My visual is a face sitting, but that's just your smothering with your box.

[A]

So I googled smotherbox fetish and the first thing that comes up is Etsy. So you're like, what in the world is this? I mean, you guys can look it up. It is a box that looks like people insert their head into it and someone sits on it. Looks like a toilet seat.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And someone sits down on top. And basically your pussy or your penis or your balls are just like hanging down on top of their face.

[B]

This is insane.

[A]

You're smothered by their box.

[B]

The fact that this is on Etsy, this is people's crafts. This is artisanal smother boxes. It says. And everything says smotherbox queening chair. And then here's one that's like fem Dom. Oral pleasure chair. So it's BDSM gear. Like you throw it in the category with like whips and chains and handcuffs and all that stuff.

[A]

People have like smotherbox stores on Etsy. I did not know you could sell this kind of stuff.

[B]

This one is 500, but like right next to that is like a leather muzzle. Okay. No, people are going to need to know what their state. I'll just run through a few. So Utah is balloon, you fucking weirdos. I'm kidding. I'll see you guys in Salt Lake. Bring your balloons. Ball busting is Connecticut. And Illinois. Biting is Iowa.

[A]

Wait, ball busting? Because for me, I just like get made fun of, right?

[B]

It means like you, but you bust.

[A]

You like squeeze their balls.

[B]

Okay. Biting is Iowa. Breast expansion is Montana. We can't google all these. You guys do it. Okay. Okay.

[A]

I thought it was boob jobs.

[B]

I mean, it sounds like it's like the smother box for boobs. Chastity is Nebraska.

[A]

I actually thought that this would be larger. I thought that more people would be into that.

[B]

Okay. CPR is Wyoming. But again, they might just be looking at life saving techniques. Kentucky Freaks. Diaper. I'm kidding.

[A]

Don't have to google that one.

[B]

West Virginia is Ebony. Oregon, you guys are crazy. Enema. You love that.

[A]

An animal fetish? No, I use anal suppositories and it's been a long time.

[B]

Also, I need to take this moment to plug my tour. So I'm gonna theme every city. So I am coming to Portland, Oregon. I'm steaming every city with their fetish. So get tickets ashouse.com face sitting. Kansas, Louisiana. Maine. Fart. Idaho, Virginia. Gag. Delaware. Giantess. We said Minnesota. Hog tie.

[A]

That makes sense to me.

[B]

Those sweet Minneapolis people, they want to be tying people up with their hands and their feet.

[A]

It's funny. Latex is is New Mexico. Panty hose. Ohio. And I actually had a guy in Ohio ask me to tie his.

[B]

Oh, that guy was from Ohio.

[A]

We were in Ohio having sex.

[B]

He knew the assignment.

[A]

He wasn't from Ohio, but he was.

[B]

Like, I know what they do here.

[A]

Okay? This Is interesting. Alabama. Pedal. Like pedal on a bike?

[B]

I don't know, but it must mean something.

[A]

Do you think it means, like, your feet and your vagina get, like, sweaty? People are into, like, smelly feet and smelly vagina also.

[B]

I don't want to leave out any states. New Hampshire is also pantyhose.

[A]

Okay. Alaska.

[B]

Sissy. Is that like sissy porn? Like, you're like a little bitch. I kind of just like guessing. That's my guess.

[A]

Socks. Wisconsin. You do great in Wisconsin. You love to sleep in a sock.

[B]

I have sex in socks a lot.

[A]

That's the same.

[B]

Supposed to give you a better orgasm.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

Study show.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Seriously.

[A]

You know I get hot.

[B]

Yeah. Maryland. Smotherbox. Smoking is Rhode Island. Are these all certified as fetish searches?

[A]

I guess. Smoke.

[B]

What?

[A]

What? All right.

[B]

Mississippi. You guys need to be arrested. Tape.

[A]

I mean, do you think people are like, tape porn? Like, I guess it's like being tied up.

[B]

It feels like you're trying to tape someone's mouth and put them in the trunk of your car.

[A]

This one. Delightful full tickling.

[B]

The fact that it's Florida and Texas, that's all they're allowed to do sexually. Women are like, we won't be able to have sex soon. It'll be against the law.

[A]

Don't be gay there.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

Don't be non binary or trans.

[B]

They're like, sex out of wedlock is about to be illegal, so all we can do is tickle. You can't get pregnant tickling because you can't get an abortion. Okay. Florida, Pennsylvania, Texas, and Washington. That's funny because, like, Washington is.

[A]

As a Pennsylvania resident. Former resident. I've.

[B]

No one's ever tickled me right the.

[A]

Way I would elbow somebody. So the number one on this list, I think it's pronounced vore V O R E. And I'll read you the definition. It's. It's arm. It's armie hammer coded. So it's. It's a fetish characterized by the erotic desire to be consumed by or to personally consume another person or creature or an erotic attraction to the process of eating in general. Eating in general practice. I mean, it's like armie hammer. It's like wanting to, like, eat somebody or be eaten or, like, be like, mutilated in some way and tattooed. It's the number one fetish of all these. Arkansas, California, Georgia, Hawaii, Michigan, Missouri, Nevada, Vermont. All of you guys. Big vore fetishes.

[B]

Hawaii. I didn't see that coming.

[A]

South Dakota is just Wedgie.

[B]

Wedgie. People have wedgie fetishes. Did you know one of our friends, like, when she was an only fans, some guy requested a wedgie video of.

[A]

Her just getting a wedgie.

[B]

So she had a friend come over and give her a wedgie.

[A]

Like a sexual wedgie?

[B]

Yeah. I mean, to him it was sexual, but they were like, laughing. It was like one of the funniest things they've done, like, to bond. And I don't think he ever paid.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

Okay. And lastly, we have Colorado, Massachusetts, North Carolina and South Carolina. So all the Carolinas, North Dakota, and Oklahoma. Wrestling.

[A]

My dad's into wrestling as a fetish way. Main wrestling.

[B]

Well, he's in Pennsylvania, so he's gonna be tickling. It's gonna be tickling. This is ridiculous.

[A]

Actually, my dad's down in Florida right now. And it's funny because Florida is tickling too. He only follows the tickles. Oh, my God. My dad will only go to a state where he can get tickled. Wait, he lived in Texas.

[B]

Texas?

[A]

Wait, Ashley, tickling is Florida, Pennsylvania and Texas?

[B]

Your dad is like, yeah, he's following the king of the tickles.

[A]

Crazy.

[B]

A real tickle monster.

[A]

All right, well, if you guys want to get tickled, hit a Bill Greenberg.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I don't really like. For as sexual as I am, I don't have like, fetishes per se, that like, I don't want to say, like, I'm so boring, but, like, I don't have like super out of the box fetishes, I guess. Yeah, yeah. And I would talk about it if I. Yeah.

[B]

I think most of the stuff I'm into is just like, in line with what's common. And that's not again, like, shaming. I think this stuff is super interesting.

[A]

We have a great episode coming up about sex appeal. So with Shamboo Dram, which I'm very excited about, and she has a masterclass coming out. She'll be on the show next week.

[B]

Okay, well, we are just going to talk about our partners and then we will get into our topic. Today I am telling you guys about hungry root. So I love this so much and I've been loving it even more. I now have a roommate and so we cook together a lot. So it's really great to get our hungry root and just pick what we want for the week. And yes, for dinners, but even just like what we want for snacks and for breakfast foods and for little sweet treats. So I really, really love it. It's the easiest way to eat healthy again. We were talking about health today, so really I do trust them when it comes to that. Hungry Root is like having a personal nutritionist. They take care of the stressful meal planning each week by recommending delicious recipes tailored to your tip taste, nutrition preferences and health goals. You can really just plan with them. They'll give you personalized recommendations and you can fill your cart with top quality meat and seafood free of hormones and antibiotics. There is no high fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners or preservatives and any of Hungry Roots foods. And then all Hungry Roots recipes can be made in just 15 minutes or less. I love that. I really just, I did that last night. I made a meal, it was like literally 15 minutes start to finish. Like I just. That's, that's my sweet sweet spot. And with over 15,000 recipes shipped each week, there's something for every taste and nutrition preference. So you can really just get in there and see what you want. Again, you can get all of your food in any type of meal category, but also these incredible meal kits. And I've gotten like tacos and again they have seafood, they have great seafood, like chicken dishes and you can do burgers and just, you know, proteins with sides. And then they have like pre made meals too, like a chicken pad Thai and like salmon sandwiches, breakfast foods, all that kind of stuff. So we just really love it. It's such a game changer. Amazing variety. And you guys are going to love Hungry Root as much as we do. Take advantage of this exclusive offer for a limited time, get 40 off your first box plus a free item in every box for Life. Go to hungryroot.com GGE and use code GGE that's hungryroot.com GGE code GG to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice. Choice for Life. Hungry.com GGE code GG okay, and this.

[A]

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[B]

So last night at my yoga class, they had a little sign in the door that said bill. Like they accepted.

[A]

I saw it on the door at Walgreens.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yesterday when I was picking up my phone.

[B]

I know. I love it. I was like, oh, that's awesome. That's good to know. Okay. And I'm telling you guys about Symbiotica again. We talked about health just a few moments ago and I think this is really something you can do that's so quick and easy. Daily is to get involved in Symbiotica and specifically their liposomal vitamin C, which I am obsessed with. But I'm going to tell you about a couple other products too. Too. But just to kick it off, this is just this little liquid packet. I squirt it right into my mouth. It is going to give you that vitamin C. Hit the citrus vanilla flavor tastes so, so good. And it's just going to go down the hatch, you know, like in seconds. And it is going to be your 1000 milligrams of vitamin C. It's going to support healthy aging, boost collagen production, support a healthy immune system. And I mean, the thing I think some people don't think about is they only want to do these things when they start to feel sick. You know, like if you do these things every day, you won't get sick as much. I mean, I haven't been sick in a long time, but it's very like, stay ready so you don't have to get ready. So if you're always just keeping your immune system up, you're just going to feel better all around. You're going to fight off any chance that you might actually get sick or just even feeling sluggish. And I just love all their products so much. I can't hype this enough. I've been turning everyone onto it. I mean, again, the liposomal vitamin C. There is a liposomal vitamin B12 and B6 that's going to support your cellular energy and mood. There is a magnesium supplement that's going to enhance memory, focus and learning. So they really have everything. Just go to their site. You can shop by bestsellers, shop by benefits and you can also subscribe and save, which we love too. Symbiotica is one of the most trustworthy brands out there. They never compromise on quality and sourcing. Their products are free from seed oils, preservatives, toxins or artificial additives. It's something you can taste and feel in every packet. So go to symbiotica.com Girls gotta eat for 20 off plus free shipping. That's symbiotica.com Girls gotta Eat to claim 20 off plus free shipping today. And I will spell it C Y M B I O T I k a.com girls gotta eat.

[A]

Okay, I'm very excited about today's topic.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So we wanna talk about sort of lies that you tell your partner. And we focus more on white lies. We had an episode about a year ago about like pathological lying and cheating and things like that. So this is like a little different. But we polled our audience and the answers were just incredible. About what you lie about, why you lie and where's the line. And I don't know if you remember this, why we started talking about this. I was reading this book, it's called in five Years by Rebecca Sable. We both read it and there's a line in the book where the main character just says like she was going to get Botox. And she's like, I'd never tell my partner. He would kill me if I did that. And I was like, it's not nothing against the, the writer. I, I see you see this all the time. I have girlfriends that tell me this all the time. Like my partner would kill me if he knew I did Botox.

[B]

Yeah, I've heard it a lot. Yeah.

[A]

And I. I think that's pretty common.

[B]

And I.

[A]

It struck me. Cause I was. Was like, we're lying to our partners about like pretty common medical procedures.

[B]

Yeah. Anti aging.

[A]

Yes. And it's not a major surgery.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it got us thinking.

[B]

I have so many different. I don't even know what avenue to go down when it comes to this. I mean, I'd love to just kick it off with this.

[A]

Well, can I tell you something?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. So I started doing research about how often are we lying to our partners, which most studies say one to two times a day. Mostly white lies.

[B]

And that is What? Drew Curtis, who was the guest that we had on this episode, said that you, like, lie every day.

[A]

Yes. So I want to talk to you about what a lie is and what people's relationship to the truth is. But also I did a little research about what do people commonly lie about? What are the most common categories? And our audience fell directly into these. So we'll break these down. But I just want to tell you what the six are. So finances and little things like how much you spend on coffee every week or something costs, Social activities. So your friends, who you're going out with, how long you spend somewhere appear, which we saw come up a lot. So Botox, GLP1s, things like that. Emotional state. So I had a bad day today. Past relationships. I slept with my friend or I slept with your friend. And then the last one, substance use. So how often you're drinking or doing drugs. The only additional one that I really saw from our listeners a lot was sex and pleasure. So how often are you masturbating? How much are you watching porn? Things like that. That came up quite a bit.

[B]

I really don't lie to my fiance a lot. Like, even the little white lies, I. I hold it, like, in the highest. Like, honesty is so important to me. I think the main thing I lie about to you, to friends, whatever it is, is, like, why I'm late.

[A]

Yeah, Like.

[B]

But, you know, and it's usually not that far off. Like, it's just like, I'm leaving and maybe I haven't left. I mean, it's just. I don't. Again, I think this is something that we all do. Traffic was bad. Like, whatever. I'm not. It's not. Doesn't feel so insidious, you know, And I obviously am always trying to improve, but I don't. I don't know. I'm not trying to be on my. On a high horse. I just. It's really important to me. I don't want him to be doing little white lies once or twice a day, and I don't want to either. And I don't really have anything to lie to him about. Like, I don't even know what I would. Like, I'm really, you know, thinking of what I would lie to him about. Like, he knows everything I do to my body and my face. And, you know, I really like our honest relationship. And I'm not shaming anybody. You know, it's normal to have those little white lies. So we want to open this conversation with kind of like, we're not attacking anybody. For the way that they live their life and the way they interact with their partner or their friends or their family or whoever. But as we discuss this, maybe you think about why you're doing certain things and what that means about your relationship, and that's it.

[A]

So I guess it depends on. I read a lot about this, about, like, what do you think about lying to your partner? And what I learned in this is a lot of people have different definitions of what a lie is and how much harm is this gonna cause and a different relationship to their partner. Cause a lot of this comes from. We'll talk about why people do this. But a lot of this comes from shame and judgment and past habits that you're embarrassed to share with somebody, feeling like you're a burden to other people and not wanting to share your feelings about something. I mean, this all comes from, like, you know, outside. And you and I also have been doing this for a long time. And so you have a good ability to discuss your feelings and what you're thinking and ask for sort of a state of the union and take a temperature with your partner in a way that's probably different than the average person. But it's interesting because, like, I was reading on, like, Reddit specifically, and people were like, I would never lie. I would. Absolutely. Other people are like, well, little things here and there to spare somebody's feelings totally fine. Or to not ruin somebody's day. Like, you might walk in the door and he's had a day and you've had a day, and he's like, how was your day? And you just kind of. Of, you just omit a little bit. You just don't want to get into it.

[B]

Well, and it does. This does not have to be about me. It's going to be applicable or whatever that I'm like, brutal honesty, you know? Like, I do think, like, if your partner cooked a meal that was not the best thing you've ever had, maybe it needed a little more something. Something you don't tell them. I don't know, like, if it's inedible. But, like, that's an example, I guess, of it being like, babe, this is not about you, but, like, something that they're like, cooked for you and they're proud of. And you're like, it could have used some.

[A]

You don't say it. I'd love to hang out with your parents. It sounds great, you know, like, some people are like, okay, yeah, that's a lie. And I would never lie. And it's like, even if you think you would never lie. You lie. You lie to make somebody's day a little bit easier. To not hurt their feelings, to not make somebody feel judged. It's not a pervasive, like, I fucked my best friend and they're around us all the time. Yeah, there's a huge spectrum. So I find it really interesting. Some people are just, just like never ever went online. It's like, well, what do you consider a lie?

[B]

I mean, I've never been really explicit about money with any partner. But I am a little more private in general. Like, I think if there's one thing, it's maybe like also maybe what certain stuff costs, you know, like. And I think guys are sometimes shocked. Like, we were in the Grove last weekend and I bought some stuff in Charlotte Tilbury. And he was. Was like floored by how much like the face cream cost. Also I buy the big giant one. But he was like, what the fuck? But he. It was with no judgment. He knows I make money. You know, like, we're not sharing a bank account where my money's his money and we can talk about that too. But I think if there's anything that I may be less transparent about, it's money. But I'm just more private about money.

[A]

There's a huge scale between I get coffee four days a week and he doesn't really want me to, and financial infidelity. Like, I'm lying about debt. I'm hiding all these bags. We can't really afford it. I'm gambling. Pathology is different to me. I think we all lie to our partners a little bit to just make the day go better, not hurt somebody's feelings. And it's different to feel like I've been lied to and robbed of my autonomy to react to something. Cause I think we lie to our partners to make the soften a blow a little bit or something. How many women have asked their partners, did I get fat? And they lie to you a little bit or we lie to our partner a little bit. But I don't wanna feel like I've been like robbed of the ability to make a decision about something. Cause you've decided that I can't handle it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know?

[B]

Yeah. I mean, we can talk about like the Botox and stuff. So for. For me, if I were to ever little white lie to him, it would be more to spare his feelings and not because I ever feel judged by him. He lets me live. That's our relationship. I don't feel like I need to keep up any sort of Appearance, like, he doesn't care what I spend on stuff. Like, I just don't feel judged. And I think he, like, loves me inside and out for who I am. And when it comes to the Botox stuff, I think there are a few different reasons. I can think of one couple and I'm. I think the reason is she wants him to think she's just aging naturally, beautifully, not aging, basically. And that's that. I can think of another couple that he just doesn't understand the different types of injectables. And some men hear Botox and they think it's phylloc. And if you sat them down and explained what it was like, again, yes, there's a difference between a needle to the face and anti aging cream, but there's not that much distance between the two. This is just an anti aging thing. That's very common. They think big lips and their. Your face is going to change. And I understand that. Like, I would want to know if my partner was going to go to the doctor and come home looking a lot different.

[A]

Totally. And I would invite people like that to just dig a little deeper. And if somebody says like, like, I don't want you to get Botox. Well, why it's gonna change your face? Well, why do you think it is? Because I don't like the way your face could look. Well, I am getting Botox now. Do you like the way it looks now?

[B]

Well, yeah. And then I guess the other thing is money. And I guess those are the three reasons. And like, are you sharing money? Is it, is it his money? Is it her money? That there's that too. But what do you think about not wanting your partner to know you're aging? I mean, I don't wanna be in that relationship. I don't wanna be scared to age.

[A]

I really share a lot, you and I both, we just like, God forbid. You and I had a thought. We didn't think we were sharing. I mean, I, I can't imagine doing anything for an hour and coming home and not telling somebody even one day. Like, you and I had dinner. It was very funny. I heard we had dinner somewhere and then I heard you talking to your partner the next day and you said something about how good the restaurant was. And I was like, you didn't tell him yet. Like, I can't imagine you or I like experiencing anything and not like rushing home. Also, yes, there's an addition of like, I'm paying for it. So, like, you don't really have a right to say anything to Me about what I've done to my body that I'm paying for. You can have a preference. Sure you can. If I said I'm gonna go from a D cup to an A cup, you are welcome to have a preference.

[B]

Chopping your hair off.

[A]

Yes. Coloring your hair.

[B]

And a lot of people don't subscribe to that. They're like, I'm gonna do whatever the I want at all times. I would want to know if my partner was again, making huge changes to their appearance. I would just want a heads up.

[A]

Shaving their beard, stuff like, that's crazy.

[B]

I can't. I know my night stuff in my nightmares.

[A]

The thing that came up probably the most, one of the most in our audience's appearance. So definitely when you get Botox and other aesthetic treatments, weight loss assistance. So GLP1s, a lot of people said, I'm on them. I lied to my partner about them. Dieting and exercise. So pretending that you are dieting and exercising.

[B]

But why? Like, again, like, I just got to dig in deeper, you know, Like, I'm thinking every one of you listening, you're one of my close girlfriends and like, you're asking me advice and I'm asking you, you to take a deeper look at why. The thing that pisses me off most and we'll, we'll can just, we can just close that conversation is guys that want to tell you to not do this stuff and they don't even fucking know what it is. You don't know. You don't know what it is. You think it's filler. It's not like, it's just like, educate them and like, if they still are like, well, I just don't like it. I don't, this is, I don't, I don't know what to tell you. I'm not saying break up with him, but like, I just think of a married couple I know and like, he has always been anti. And she does it behind his back and like, he doesn't know the difference. Again, like you said, like, well, I've been, I've been getting it.

[A]

I guess I could see a world in which a lot of couples are like, it doesn't matter if I get like, he doesn't like it and it's not worth talking about. Okay. That's also fair, you know, like, I don't need to explain this.

[B]

That's true. Yeah, exactly. Like, is he gonna catch you and divorce you? Like, you could be like, I've been getting it and you ain't been knowing. You Know, like, so I do think you're right. It could be one of those things where like he doesn't get it and that's fine and you're gonna spend money on it. And I do think that's like a solution also. Like it's fine, just keep doing what you're doing. But the, the GLP1 stuff, again, like, I don't have any judgment on why you would want to keep that from somebody, but it feels like such a big decision in your life and maybe not, maybe you don't think of it that way, but like that was a big decision you decided to make and like it feels like you'd want to share your part, your journey with your partner.

[A]

It's a tough. That one's tough because so many people are on them. And if my partner was injecting something into their body, self injecting once a week and it's prescribed by a doctor, I do think I'd want to know just because I love you. And this is not a long time tested medication on people that don't have diabetes. But I understand the shame around telling people that you're doing that.

[B]

Yeah. And I guess there's two camps. You have been doing it and then they come in and then I get it. I guess I'm like, you're in a committed long term relationship and you make that decision. It just feels like you. I'd want my partner to know I was making that decision. I'd want their support. People have various emotional experiences with it, you know, and it's just like you're hiding it from them. That just bums me out, I guess. But for. Everybody's got their own reasoning.

[A]

Yeah. I think there's a lot of shame obviously around weight loss and probably people have turned to that, have like tried a million other things and so I get it. But I guess for me, if my partner was injecting something into their body, I would want to know. And if you live with somebody, how do I not know? Because it's refrigerated. So like the lengths that you're going to to hide it, I would hope you would feel comfortable telling me.

[B]

Right, right. Yeah. You gotta hide it. You'd really have to hide it. Like you got a secret fridge somewhere. Yeah. The working out and the. I don't know. I had a partner that like, I just thought he was so unhealthy and he always complained about like his body and stuff. So it was like it did kind of affect our relationship and the way that he felt about his body. But then he would like go get fast food and not work out and all that stuff. So it did affect our relationship. I'm not breathing on someone's neck like you need to be hot or, you know. But it was just like I did start to feel like I wanted him to be healthier for his own self and for the sake of the relationship and his mental state. And so I'm sure there were times when he lied to me or felt the need to lie to me. It's like that judgment, but like, you gotta ask yourself, why do you feel like your partner is judging your. Your body?

[A]

I think to me this, the weight loss thing is a great episode a couple years ago with James Clear talking about atomic habits and why people know something's good for them but can't stick to it. And dieting came up a lot. And you know, it's hard to stick to it because it is natural and comfortable to stick to what is normal to you. And I think you make these big proclamations we all do to resolve to lose weight. And we tell our partner and we're excited and we're proud. You make a big deal about it, they make a big deal about it, and then you renege on it. You're embarrassed, and it's so embarrassing it shouldn't be. Weight loss is super fucking hard. And deciding to not eat carbs in lieu of a vegetable, very hard. But I think a lot of shame around complaining about your body and not liking it, feeling self loathing and then being like, but I reneged on this thing. I promised. So a lot of people said, there's people that said, I tell my partner I'm a vegan, but I eat dairy in private. That came up about a lot of snacking, a lot of just like I run and have snacks when they're not around. Which I thought was funny. Definitely. Like I say I'm working out, but I'm not. The only problem I have, they say if I'm working out, I'm not. Is if you tell me that you're at a place and you weren't there.

[B]

Yeah, I don't like that.

[A]

Yeah, that's a real life.

[B]

Again, I just want to know the reason. Like you said, there's like this internal shame. They don't care. They could care less. That's on you. Or you feel like you need to look a certain way for them and like they are breathing down your neck to like be thin and hot or whatever it is, you know, which that's not a great Dynamic. No, that you want to feel like you can't ever relax and be yourself and look how you want to look.

[A]

Yeah. You know, so a lighter thing that came up a lot was just grooming in general. Tweezing came up continuously.

[B]

But, like, what do you. What's the lie?

[A]

Do you tell this funny joke? I don't know. People should go see your stand up, but you talk about tweezing your chin and, like, people just maybe don't want to know. Like, that your partner, you want your partner know you tweeze your chin or your nipple hair? Like, this comes up a lot.

[B]

Yeah. Like, like, did they ask why is there a lie? Like, is your partner. Like, did you tweeze your nipple hair today? You know, like, I don't think you ever need to bring it up or lie about it. Don't ask, don't tell.

[A]

Also true. Like, just shut the bathroom door.

[B]

Yeah. Like, my fiance caught me plucking a chin hair. Come see my stand up. I'll tell you the whole story about it. Ashes.com. no. So it's just like, like, it's so funny, but. Sorry I snorted.

[A]

I just.

[B]

It's funny that that's the lie. Like, can you imagine? Your man comes home, he's like, what have you been tweezing? Did you tweeze your chin today?

[A]

What if you're hooking up and they're like, you had a hair on your nipple yesterday. I know it was there.

[B]

Well, then there's nothing to lie about. You're like, well, let me get to that.

[A]

I think that a lot of people don't necessarily want their partner to know, like, how the sausage got made.

[B]

Yet if you are bleaching or waxing your mustache, I'm telling him everything but that I will say that, like, what.

[A]

If you bleached your butthole?

[B]

I think he noticed. He noticed on the second week of the month when we do butt stuff. No, I don't know if he would. That's hysterical.

[A]

You're fucking.

[B]

He's like, did you bleach your butthole?

[A]

I feel like men would never know because they don't even know if you dye your hair. So, like, what are the odds they would if a man didn't notice I bleached my hair, but they noticed my butthole was a different color.

[B]

He is not up close and personal with my butthole in broad daylight. I don't think there's probably been a time or two.

[A]

Yeah, butt stuff is not for the afternoon.

[B]

As much face to have done doggy in the daylight.

[A]

Yeah, but face to butthole.

[B]

He hasn't eaten my butthole. So we'll do it tonight. Valentine's Day.

[A]

Okay. I thought this one was interesting. Lying about your emotional state. So a lot of stuff came up about past trauma, which, of course, I understand. Trauma in general. You need to share that when you're ready. You go to therapy, you figure out how to do that. I understand that, but a lot of just, like, I'm stressed out today, and I lied about it because I don't want to, like, burden my partner.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, you obviously should be able to tell your partner how you're feeling and be vulnerable and let them support you. But do you just feel like it's been too much lately? Like, what is the reason? Like, are you just, like, I don't want to dump on them today. Hey, I've been dumping on them a lot lately. I'm gonna go talk to a friend or a family member. What is the reason? Because you should feel like you can talk to your partner about what's going on with you, but I also respect the notion of keeping it in the box sometimes. I also dated someone that just dumped on me constantly. It was every single thing he was going through I had to hear about and support him and try to fix, and it was too much. So. And, you know, bless him. I hope he's doing well. He had a lot going on, and I'm sure it's not the case anymore, but, like, he just needed more professional help. I mean, whatever it was, I had to bear the brunt of all of that. So I wish it would have been a little less.

[A]

It's just kind of like, where's the line? You know? Is it like, we both got home, we had a bad day, and I'm just gonna let him have the floor today? Or, like, I got home, I was having a bad day, but they're taking care of the kids, and so I'm gonna, like, let them have the day off for my issues.

[B]

Or, like, are you complaining about your job? Every day you. And I say this, like, you gotta get a new job. You know, like, again, it's not so easy. I really do understand. I think it's harder than ever to get a new job. But, like, you have to at least be actively trying if you really hate it that you come home and have to dump about your job every single day. So I can see where you're like, I can't do it today. I gotta tell her I had an okay day, or him.

[A]

You know, I Think we've. I think I hope we've stopped selling girls this lie of the cool girl, and nothing bothers me, and I'm fine about everything. And I think that that is a very quick, slippery slope road into pretending you never feel anything, nothing bothers you, and people only know what you show them. So then somebody just assumes you're just, like, cool with everything, and suddenly you're not a doormat. But, like, you've disappeared in this relationship.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, vulnerability brings you closer to anybody romantically, platonically. So you have to be vulnerable with your partner. But again, this is just like, what's the motivation? Like, if you really feel like you can't open up to your partner, that's a problem. Problem.

[A]

It's a problem. Yeah.

[B]

Like, at all, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But. Yeah, I mean, also, sometimes you don't have the energy, and it's just gonna be okay, you know? Like, there was something that happened professionally, recently with us, and it really did, like, bother me. It was something that kind of dominated the day, but, like, it was just such a long story. And, like, I think he did say, like, is everything okay? And I was just like, yeah. And I actually just kind of kept it moving. And I was like, I just don't have the energy to tell the story right now. I think I might have told him later. I think it was like, eventually I had the energy to be like, oh, this thing happened, and here's how we fixed it or worked it out. But in that moment, it was on my mind. It had been. And then I did let it go. So then I was fine for the rest of the night. We had dinner, we did whatever. But sometimes it's just that.

[A]

Yeah, I think that that's fine. Yeah, I think that, like, relationships are just a negotiation all day long, you know, and it's fine. And also, like, it's important to just have a space with your partner where you just feel like at some point, you feel like you can have the floor if you need it.

[B]

Of course. Of course. Yeah.

[A]

I feel like, financial stuff. I feel like I would lie about it. So, like, it runs the gamut, like, the cost of an item. I think we white lie that this thing was, like, $40 and it was $80 or how much we buy coffees, but I shop a lot, and I could see a scenario in which a partner would not love that.

[B]

Yeah, but you have a little shame around it.

[A]

That is why I lie about it. That is why I lie about it.

[B]

No one should care what you spend. You make your own money, you know, you make plenty of it, you know, so it's not that. It's just like how that you feel a certain type of way.

[A]

I could also see myself changing a little bit, but my partner said, time to evaluate how much stuff's in the closets and how many packages we get every day. And this is not normal. I could probably go to therapy for a shopping addiction. The amount of packages that come and that Tessa returns for me, I mean, it's not normal. And I return a lot. And girl math of that is like, I'm making money. And like you said, I make plenty of money. I've never put myself in a financial situation. I have no debt in my life. I have zero debt. But, like, if it all went away tomorrow, in 10 years, I would look back and be like, I didn't need all this stuff. That was like a good exercise. When I packed up the house too, during the LA fires, we left town and I was like, walking through the rooms like, this is just crap everywhere. Just stuff.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I do understand there being a lot of shame around that, especially when your partner is paying for more than you are or you should be contributing and you're, like, lying about why you can't contribute.

[B]

I mean, that's tough. The dynamics are tough there. I mean, I think a dynamic that I don't love, which, again, whatever works for you, is when you're. All the money is shared. Like, I grew up where my parents obviously had a shared bank account. My mom had her own checking, so did my dad, you know, and that's. My mom took me shopping on that. And like, sometimes it was like, don't tell your dad. You know, like, women should have their own money, you know, but like, again, if you don't make any money, then I don't really know what the answer is. So I just wouldn't like someone monitoring my spending all the time. So just for anybody who's listening, like, if you. You make your own money, don't let someone take that away from you. That you don't have your own bank account in some way, you know, even if you have a shared one too. I do think that's the setup of, like, most couples is shared and then separate, obviously. But yeah, I mean, when you have a dynamic where one person makes more and maybe they're spending more on the rent or on the travel or whatever it is, and the other person is frivolously spending, it is tough, tough. And it is going to be tough for the person, not always. But it may be tough for the person spending more to see that because, like, if you can spend it on all this, like, can you give me more for rent? Or can you pay more for the trip? Or, like, whatever it is. And how do you avoid that? I mean, it's the same thing as a friend that owes you money and then you see him on an airplane. You know, it's like that meme of just, like, when someone's traveling and, like, they. They owe you money and they're taking a trip, and you're like the bird on the window, like, tapping, you know, like, it's weird.

[A]

Weird to see it's a bad dynamic. We've done plenty of episodes about money, and it reminds me of our very first episode about money in, like, 2018. I was talking about a relationship at that time. I used to have, like, psychotic fights with my ex back then, because I had lent him money, I paid for more stuff. There wasn't such a disparity between us. I mean, I made quite a bit more than that him, but I didn't make that much. He just really didn't make anything. But, like, he would buy weed, he would take cabs home at night. Like. Like, he would buy himself shoes, like a new pair of sneakers. And, like, it's not that people aren't entitled to be comfortable and have a comfortable life, but you're not entitled to it when you owe me this volume of money and you're making no attempt to pay me.

[B]

Yeah. And this just, again, cliche as fuck comes down to communication. You got to talk about this with your partner because you will just harbor that resentment when you're covering more of the financial burden and they're out buying weed and shoes and cabs. I want a of lot.

[A]

Okay, well, we have three more main buckets, Sex and pleasure. So we can do whole episodes on this. But frequency of masturbation, what type of porn you like, and just generally like things you enjoy in bed or things like that. I think sex is its own bucket kind of about how to communicate intimacy like this. To me, I'm like, is it a lie if you say you like something, or are you just trying to make somebody comfortable? Yeah, there's all kinds of issues around porn addiction and online activity, and to me, that's kind of like a separate thing.

[B]

Yeah, again, that's the. There's a little bit of a bigger issue there, you know, Like, I don't know what is the dynamic with the porn. And the line is one person badgering the other one Constantly. How much porn you watch today? How much porn do you watch today? Like. Or is someone really have a porn addiction and they gotta lie to you about it? Like any other addiction?

[A]

Mm, okay, we'll come back to that.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Past relationships. Big one. So lying about you having slept with one of your friends. Lying about having slept with one of their friends.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And number of sexual partners.

[B]

Yeah. Number of sexual partners is not their business.

[A]

Never. What is the difference?

[B]

What's the difference? I mean, I guess. Well, you know, I want to know if it's like two, if it's too small. If it's too small. I mean, I have had more sexual partners than my partner.

[A]

He knows this.

[B]

He's not asking for the number. I'm not really asking for his. I don't know. We got a good thing going on. I. I don't. I always question why you need to know that, but some people really just, they want that info and it doesn't have to come from like a controlling or possessive place. It. You just want to know for whatever reason. I don't know if someone was really coming at me for that, pestering me for that. I wouldn't. I mean, I guess there's just a.

[A]

Tone and, you know, it. Like, some things are just a genuine curiosity, you know, I just, I want to know, have you had a lot of sexual experiences? It's fun for me to hear about it.

[B]

I don't know. I. I mean, how do these conversations go? They're all case by case, you know, is someone asking kind of lightly because they're just curious, and you get defensive and you're like, you don't need to know that. And then they're like, is it 500 again? No. Shame on the number. But I think if you immediately kind of get defensive, they're like, what is it?

[A]

You know what I mean? I'm trying to think about how I've answered in the past. I mean, it's just sort of like, enough, enough. I don't need, I don't need to talk about it and I don't need you to talk to me about it. That's like, it's a two way street here. I don't need you to tell me.

[B]

Yeah, like, I think you can talk about your sexual history with your partner. You know, I think that most people I've been with know that I was way more busy sexually in like college and in my 20s and this is out there in the open on the podcast and my stand up and stuff like that. And, you know, then it slowed down, and I don't have any wild oats to sew. And I know what I'm doing, and that's really it. And I'm not asking for anything from you.

[A]

That's all I can care about. Have you had enough experience? Do you feel like you've kind of filled your cup out there in the world?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I personally never had any STDs in my life. By the grace of God, I'm a medical miracle. I really spent a lot of years not using condoms. I'm back into condoms now, but condoms are back. I'm into them. I have never had an std. I don't currently have an std. You should share those things with somebody. Otherwise, what's the difference?

[B]

Yeah, I mean, like, what's the motivation coming from the person that's asking, what is the tone? Are they attacking you? You know, like. Or are you just getting defensive unreasonably? Like, are you just having a conversation? You know, if I were to ask my partner, have you ever had an sti? I wouldn't be like, I want to find out if he's completely clean. But maybe someone might be like, I don't want to tell you that. I don't want you to think less of me. But I wasn't asking because I'm judging. I'm just curious. So it's always like, what's the intention?

[A]

Most things are probably right up the middle. Right. Like, most things aren't, like, trying to control you or. Or, like, being so, like, silly. You just love it. You want to hear all about their STDs. Yeah, most things are probably just right up the middle. It just comes up in conversation.

[B]

I mean, like, some of these. I saw one that caught my eye. I had an OnlyFans during COVID Can they find that out? I don't know. I always worry about, like, I understand the reason to want a lot. I don't know if I would, because that seems like something that can be found out later.

[A]

It's tough because, like, you and I are, like, unique. Like, if anybody just took some time, listen to the podcast, they could find out about anything. Like, I.

[B]

That's true. Yeah.

[A]

I have a really close guy friend. We had a sexual relationship really early on in the beginning. I've talked about this quite a bit. I had a boyfriend who just never asked me if we'd ever hooked up. It never came up. And I lived in fear of the day that he would be like, have you and so and so ever slept together? Cause, like, at that point, we'd hung out with him, like, 20 times. And you can find out on the podcast that I slept with him. I've mentioned it before a couple times over the years. And that's, like, one of those things where I, like, just rolled the dice, but only fans feels like. Like, it's, like, stamped on the Internet. And you can find out about it pretty easily, and your friends and family can find out about it.

[B]

Yeah. The whole have slept with a friend before. Didn't we deep dive on this? On an episode recently. Okay.

[A]

There was an email from a girl that said that her partner had asked her not to tell. They had some pact together that he said, I don't want to know about anybody you've slept with in the friend group, and vice versa, essentially.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then one of the people that she had slept with had come to this party at their place, and she says. I mean, like, her boyfriend said, have you ever hooked up with this guy? And she was like, I didn't really know what to say.

[B]

Right. And that's case by case. Someone wrote, when another guy texts me to hook up, I mean, if some guy was hitting on me in my DMs or somebody texted me to hook up, like, I just think that's gonna piss my fiance off. Like, why am I telling him that? Like, why are you. Why are you telling him? You don't have to. Well, I don't know what kind of, you know, trust and tell each other everything policy you guys have going on in your relationship, but that's also like, omitting something. I don't. I guess there's a word in which they're asking.

[A]

It's a lie through omission. And this is like, a very gray area because, like, on the one hand, I'm like, well, you tell your partner, and they're probably gonna get a little uncomfortable. And what did you expect? I mean, it's like being like, I cheated on you, now forgive me. And it's like, well, I'm gonna have a reaction to this. This is not, like, a good thing. It's not the same. Being DMed by somebody and cheating on somebody. Not the same thing. But that's like, one of those things where you're like, well, I lied to spare their feelings because I know that I'm not gonna hook up with this person.

[B]

Right. Yeah. Did you just, like, shut it down or not respond?

[A]

Well, the last bucket of things people lie about that she'll tell you is social activities and substance abuse. So obviously how much you drink and do drugs, smoking, like, downplaying, that kind of stuff. And the frequency of an activity, I guess you could say, like, the onlyfans thing kind of fits into here. But that's pretty, like, common. How often do you drink, go out? Things like.

[B]

Like that? Yeah.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I mean, a lot of this stuff, it's just like, where is the line? Why are you doing it? And like, how big is it? You know, like, is this something that's going to snowball into something bigger and then you haven't been honest about it from the start? We ask people, where's the line?

[A]

Where's the line? And I think most people fall kind of in the same camp, which is like, if it directly impacts their life, if it's going to be a pervasive issue, if they're going to find out in the never trust me again kind of thing. Legal stuff, like financial infidelity, all that stuff.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

I mean, there's definitely a pretty. The line is, like, gray, but I just, like, know it when I see it. There's like, lies that I'm okay with and there's lies that I'm just not. And like, when you find out about a lie, when I get it also depends. Like, how does somebody describe why they did what they did? Like, I felt a tremendous amount of shame around this. I'm really embarrassed. I feel really uncomfortable sharing this with you. It flat out was none of your business. Like, trauma.

[B]

Yeah, right. Like. Like you said, like, does this have anything to do with you or is just about me, me? And I think you have to know if it's harmless or not. I think we all know deep down, like, is this harmless truly or not? Like, is this something so trivial it doesn't matter? But I do obviously think honesty is the best policy. I mean, someone wrote most comes out eventually, so I don't overdo it. And it's just like, that's true. Like, it will come out again. These things like, snowball and like, this isn't. Once you start lying, you can't stop again. I get the statistic is that most people tell, like one or two white lies every day, but how deep are you gonna go with this? You know?

[A]

Totally. And I think that, like, when the reason for lying is you want to, like, spare somebody's feelings or not cause them pain, it's like, well, what are we applying this to? Like, you didn't tell them you cheated because you want to spare them and you're cheating all the time, you know, and it's Like I said before, I don't want to feel like I was robbed of the ability to react to things, but I guess there are certain things that would upset me and hurt my feelings and I don't need to know. And the DM thing is like a perfect example of like, I don't know. Ignorance is bliss. Like, if somebody DM'd my partner and they were like, you're hot. And he never told me about it. I guess if I find it I found out, I'd be like, what the fuck may up? But like, I don't really need to know that either. It's just gonna make my day feel. It's gonna fuck my day up.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I just love our audience. I mean, I love the stuff that they said. Someone said anything past shaving my face, you know, it was like the little embarrassing things, quote unquote, embarrassing, whatever. But anything that impacts him emotionally, physically or financially. And someone said wrote something that he'd leave you over. And I don't really know if how I'm interpreting that, but I wanted to talk about that today too. Like, that's a reason. Like, you don't tell somebody something because you're afraid they're going to break up with you or leave you. That to me is like, we. I really would have to know what it is because that to me feels like something so big that would eventually come out anyway. Like what, what would those examples. I don't know. I mean, would that be something you did in your past? I mean, would that be that you had an only fans during COVID You know, like, is this something you think he would leave you over? I mean, again, it feels like something you did in your past. Like, if it's something really big that you have a bunch of debt, you can't hide that, you know? Like, you have to be upfront, honest. Like when it. That feels like financial infidelity, like hiding something so big like that, or like something crazy illegal from your past? Things like that. But are you really scared your partner's gonna leave you if you get Botox? Like, I don't know that you want to be in that relationship. Right. Like they've prohibited you from doing something. You know, Are you really scared they're gonna leave you if you don't work out every day or if you take Ozempic or whatever it is? You know? So I guess ask yourself that. Do you want to be with something that's gonna leave you over this thing that you're hiding from them?

[A]

Yeah, I mean, I Think we all kind of try to spare people's feelings. It depends on how far it goes. Like, I had a partner once ask me, have you ever cheated before? And I decided to be honest. And he made me feel like that was a mistake. I explained to him the situation. I explained to him why I did it, when I did it. I was my early 20s. It was a relationship that did not last very much longer after that. I wasn't proud of him. I always say, you and I always talk about, like, once a cheater, always a cheater. No. How do they feel about the cheating? What was the scenario? How do they talk about it now? I thought the way I spoke about it was as though I was ashamed. I wouldn't do it again. He made me feel really bad about it. He had been cheated on in the past by somebody. I think he just applied that to me and I don't know, I regretted telling him and being honest. And it definitely made me think twice about ever admitting that to another partner.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, that was that Love is Blind episode. I forget what season that was where it just completely, like, blew up.

[A]

Steven, orange haired Steven, told Monica that he had cheated in the past.

[B]

That's what it was. Okay. Cheated, right? Yeah. I'm trying to think if I've asked that, I think I guess I have. I guess we've had that conversation. Like, I guess I technically cheated on somebody when I was 18. You know, like, I think we see a lot of bad behavior in our 20s. We said it before with, you know, our episode with Esther Perel is called Cheating Isn't Black and White. You know, I guess you have to decide if that defines someone's character. But, like, to your point, you spoke about it in the appropriate way. I did this thing. I regret it. I wouldn't do it again. And he never forgot it.

[A]

It changed how he thought about me.

[B]

Yeah, it changed how he thought about you.

[A]

I would think about sharing it again, and I can't remember if anybody's ever asked me since then, but it's like.

[B]

He was cheated on. So it was like the reason for asking was a projection and then the way that he viewed you was a projection. Like, that's the tricky thing. Like, that's when those things go really south. Like someone is asking you because they've been cheated on and they're traumatized from it and they want to decide if you'll do it, and that's not necessarily fair.

[A]

And it feels like you can't put the baby back in the bassinet. Is that the phrase you're probably put the. There's like a bunch of phrases that mean that you can put a baby back in the back of the box.

[B]

Back in the box.

[A]

But you can do that too.

[B]

Put a baby back in the bassinet. You can always put a baby back in a bassinet. It's not like a thing that it.

[A]

Comes out, like after you take sheets out of the box. It's a boss, like, in the back of the box. It's like, I would feel really bad lying about it to somebody, but like, once I tell them, is it gonna change how you think about me forever? And like, this is this thing I did when I was 25 years old. Like, it was a couple years ago. So don't punish me for my experiences two years ago.

[B]

Yeah. And again, like, did it define your life in any way? Like, is it that big of a deal, like, to tell them? Is it part of your story? Can you just lie? I don't know.

[A]

It is not part of my story. It's something I learned a big lesson from and I would not repeat it. It was a relationship when I was pretty young. Young. It was early on in a relationship. I don't know, there's a lot of factors and I mean, I guess somebody could listen to this episode and be like, you lied to me.

[B]

But here, here's the thing. If someone is asking you that and the answer of you saying you have cheated a long time ago, you regret it, you learned your lesson. Like, if that really makes them freak out, like there were going to be problems anyway. There were going to be problems of them being insecure, thinking you're cheating. Like, if they are so on guard about cheating all the time, like, you're gonna have more problems. And I stand by that. So again, like, if someone hears that and that immediately just like sets off like all their alarm bells, like those were gonna come out anyway. They're just terrified of being cheated on and like they're gonna be looking for those things anyway.

[A]

Yeah. And I think you'd be hard pressed to find somebody doesn't have a relationship to cheating in some way at some age. Like I think it was Esther Perel on our show said that it's like the most universally looked down upon practice, but universally practiced. And like so many people do it. This is probably the most hot button thing of all these. Should you lie about this thing is like, I cheated on somebody. It's hard for me though, when somebody asks me a point blank question and I just flat out Lie. And that feels different than like, did you get Botox today? Did you tweeze your butthole?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Most other things I think we're just trying to like make people feel comfortable and good and it won't affect them in any way. Whether I'm honest with them or not. It'll actually probably affect them them negatively. And this has no bearing on our relationship. And I like how that girl phrase it. If it doesn't hurt, if it doesn't hurt them financially, physically, or what was the other one?

[B]

Anything that impacts him emotionally, physically or financially.

[A]

So like if I can just omit something that would kind of bother somebody but doesn't have a material impact on our relationship. I mean everybody's welcome to their own relationship with the truth, but I think it's fine to like omit stuff that like will genuinely never impact your relationship ever.

[B]

Yeah, but you know, know I also think honesty is like the best policy. But everybody does these things overall honesty. But again these things are like normal and common. And at the end of the day you got to ask like, what's your intention for being dishonest? And I also think it's important to think about why you may be anticipating someone's reaction to be negative if you are lying to them them because they may not care. You know, like what evidence do you have that they aren't going to like what you have to say. Like, are you basing this on a past partner? Are you basing this on your friends partners? You know, have you only heard that guys get mad when you bring up Botox? Like why do you think they're going to react poorly? And I say that only to do the self reflection of what evidence you have. Because they may not care. You know, I think we've all been in those situations with people where we think something's gonna be such a big deal and we tell them and it is no big deal. So are you paranoid about something in your head that really wouldn't be a big deal at all?

[A]

Right. Is this a projection?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And a lot of this I think is rooted in this desire to appear to be successful and unburdened and somebody who doesn't need to over shop or quit the gym. And you wanna look successful, but that is your own projections of success and how, how you want to be. Because we are all flawed and your partners are going to see those things and you have to be able to create an environment where you can discuss those things. And I understand the nature to be like, but I want them to see Us, me, a certain way. But we are all flawed people.

[B]

And you could even become closer when you are more vulnerable and more real. You just never know. So ask yourself where your motivation to do these things are coming from. From.

[A]

Yeah, it's a problem. If it's a pattern. Yeah, it's a problem.

[B]

Right?

[A]

All the time. And you're. You find out these, like, lies. I mean, I, I talked to that.

[B]

Little tiny things.

[A]

Little tiny things.

[B]

Find them all out.

[A]

You're like, oh, are you a liar? Have we talked about what you occurred to somebody in my life that just, like, lies a lot. I have a lot of people in my life.

[B]

A lot.

[A]

Yeah, but this one guy. And it was a lot of little harmless lies. But like, when you're like, well, you add them up and you're a liar. And I don't know, I think when you realize somebody's a liar, it really shakes your relationship to reality because you're like, how did I not see all this?

[B]

Has everything been a lie and I can't trust you? And when it comes to the most harmless of all lies, what are you thinking about?

[A]

I mean, we've all asked our male partners this.

[B]

I actually want the straight answer. So someone, of course I want to know. He's like, thinking about me and our future together or whatever. But, like, you know, that's not always the case. Pace. And like, men's minds work in crazy ways. They're thinking about the Roman Empire three times a day. Whatever. That's where the whole Roman Empire thing started. But someone wrote in, do you think this was from a dude? Oh, it was for me. Okay, so what are you thinking about? He said, I always lie when I'm asked what I'm thinking about. I'd rather say you or our future together or something else inane rather than admit, I'm wondering how many sixth graders it would take to overpower a horse sized praying mantis. And like, sparkle eyes asks me, what are you thinking? Sometimes? Because, you know, I'll be deep in thought. I can't hide it. You know, I'll be like, stressed or thinking about something or overanalyze, like, you know, microplastics. And it's important. Usually I'm just like, you can't overanalyst you.

[A]

And I just have never had a thought that we didn't share. But I think that, like, what you just bucketed out to, like, women and male dynamics. I think women want you to say, like, I'm thinking about you. And, like, men just aren't there. Just aren't. They're not thinking about anything. They're thinking about food or video games or sports or porn.

[B]

Some ridiculous thing.

[A]

Insane scenario.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Well, Nellie, hope that helps.

[A]

Yeah. These submissions were, like, really incredible. We were really excited to do this episode. And you guys are always just so honest and amazing and open about your lives. And I feel like I learned something new every week.

[B]

Yeah, you guys are the best. Thanks as always for, you know, inspiring these episodes and writing in and sharing. You guys can find us at girls gotta eat.com girls gotta eat podcast on Instagram and TikTok. I am Ash he hess.com raina.greenberg vibesonly.com for all the goodies. And you can subscribe on YouTube. Share this episode with a friend and we will see you Thursday.

[A]

I always pause. I'm like, have a good week, guys.

[B]

Bye, Sam.