58. Giving you grief, loss, and expensive mistakes

Summary

Podcast Summary: Give It To Me Straight – Episode 58: Giving You Grief, Loss, and Expensive Mistakes

Episode Information:

• Title: Give It To Me Straight
• Hosts: Alex and John (Dear Media)
• Description: Follow along as this husband and wife duo give you unfiltered advice from two different perspectives. No topic goes unspoken, from sex, money, relationships, the good the bad, and the ugly. Alex and Jon will give it to you straight.
• Episode: 58. Giving You Grief, Loss, and Expensive Mistakes
• Release Date: July 1, 2025

---

1. Opening Banter: The Pool Predicament

The episode begins with Alex and John engaging in their characteristic humorous banter about their struggles with maintaining their pool.

• John: "[00:02:12] We're going into the pool, it costs money. ... The pool is a money pit."
• Alex: "[00:02:40] Last year at this time we used the pool almost every day. It did help with my depression."

Key Points:

• Pool Maintenance Challenges: John expresses his frustration with the pool, highlighting frequent leaks and expensive maintenance issues.
• Emotional Connection: Alex shares how the pool previously served as a coping mechanism for her depression, emphasizing its importance to her well-being.
• Expensive Mistakes: The loss of their custom pool cover to trash collectors leads to a costly replacement quote of $8,000 to $10,000, exacerbating their financial strain.

---

2. Transition to Grief: Personal Loss and Coping

The conversation shifts from the pool mishaps to the profound topic of grief, setting the stage for an in-depth discussion.

• Alex: "[00:13:36] Because I think that we have some experience with grief these days."
• John: "[00:09:58] But I think we have to keep it light."

Key Points:

• Personal Experience: Both hosts hint at their personal experiences with grief, preparing listeners for a heartfelt exploration of the subject.
• Setting the Tone: While Alex approaches the topic earnestly, John attempts to maintain a lighter atmosphere, reflecting their differing perspectives.

---

3. Supporting the Grieving: Practical Advice and Insights

Alex and John delve into actionable ways to support individuals experiencing grief, drawing from their own journeys through loss.

• John: "[00:16:03] ... if you truly want to help them, just a small gesture helps you."
• Alex: "[00:17:28] What are some of the most helpful and kind things people did for you and said while you were grieving?"

Key Points:

• Acts of Service Over Words: John emphasizes the importance of taking tangible actions rather than offering empty phrases.
  • Notable Quote:
    John: "[00:16:03] Whether it's like an Uber Eats card or, I don't know, chocolate strawberries... it's that just doing something instead of saying 'let me know if you need anything.'"
• Thoughtful Gestures: Alex highlights actions that remove burdens from the grieving individual, such as providing meals or offering practical help.
  • Notable Quote:
    Alex: "[00:17:28] Just send them an Uber Eats gift card so that they don't have to worry about a meal..."

---

4. Things to Say and Not Say: Navigating Conversations About Grief

The hosts discuss common pitfalls in conversations with those who are grieving, offering guidance on what to avoid.

• Alex: "[00:29:18] Don't say 'Everything happens for a reason.'"
• John: "[00:30:14] Why do you have to be telling me that you're praying?"

Key Points:

• Avoiding Dismissive Comments: Phrases like "Everything happens for a reason" or "At least..." can invalidate someone's feelings.
  • Notable Quote:
    Alex: "[00:29:07] Don't start sentences with 'at least' or solutions because... you cannot fix the reason why they're hurting."
• Respecting Boundaries: Recognizing when to offer support without imposing one's beliefs or solutions.
  • Notable Quote:
    Alex: "[00:29:25] Or like, you don't have to act a certain way."

---

5. Grieving in Marriage: Maintaining Connection Amid Loss

Alex and John explore how grief can impact marital relationships and share their strategies for staying connected.

• Alex: "[00:45:29] Moments of grief, how we grieve differently."
• John: "[00:45:35] Moments of grief, how we grieve differently."

Key Points:

• Different Grieving Styles: The couple acknowledges that each partners may process grief uniquely, necessitating open communication.
  • Notable Quote:
    Alex: "[00:46:05] ... we had to lean on each other to get through that."
• Seeking Professional Help: They share their experience with a grief counselor, which helped them understand and support each other's grieving processes.
  • Notable Quote:
    John: "[00:46:05] ... we had a meeting with our grief counselor and she turned it back on me and was like, do you think that you would be okay if he was grieving as hard as you were grieving?"

---

6. Individual Grieving Styles: The Spectrum of Coping Mechanisms

The hosts highlight the diversity in how individuals handle grief, emphasizing that there is no "right" way to grieve.

• John: "[00:55:11] Just leave me alone. Honestly..."
• Alex: "[00:55:26] Yeah, that's what I was saying."

Key Points:

• Personalized Grieving: Recognizing that each person's experience with grief is unique and should be respected.
  • Notable Quote:
    Alex: "[00:55:28] Everybody has an experience around grief. Not everybody, which is the tough thing..."
• Avoiding Comparisons: The dangers of comparing one's grief to another's, which can lead to feelings of resentment or invalidation.
  • Notable Quote:
    Alex: "[00:54:20] ... it's easier to get through those moments of envy when you just look at the things that you do have."

---

7. Dealing with Envy and Resentment: Emotional Turbulence Post-Loss

Alex and John discuss the complex emotions of envy and resentment that can arise when interacting with those who haven't experienced similar losses.

• Alex: "[00:52:35] ... I often find myself having angry feelings towards friends who haven't experienced loss."
• John: "[00:52:49] That doesn't bother me."

Key Points:

• Natural Emotions: Acknowledging that feelings of envy or resentment are normal but managing them constructively is crucial.
  • Notable Quote:
    Alex: "[00:52:35] I felt like they don't have a deep understanding of the world as maybe I do now."
• Maintaining Relationships: Strategies to stay connected without letting these emotions damage friendships.
  • Notable Quote:
    John: "[00:53:02] ... but if they're prime example, don't resent them."

---

8. PTSD and Trauma: Healing from High-Stress Events

The conversation touches upon PTSD resulting from traumatic events, such as Alex's car accident, and the importance of seeking therapy.

• Alex: "[00:58:09] ... why do we wait so long to finally try to heal from traumatic events?"
• John: "[00:63:41] ... when you know you're ready, you'll be ready to deal with something."

Key Points:

• Delayed Healing: Understanding why individuals might postpone seeking help for trauma until it becomes unmanageable.
  • Notable Quote:
    Alex: "[00:63:30] ... pipeline was underestimated why we wait so long to finally try to heal..."
• Therapeutic Approaches: Alex shares her experience with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) as a tool to process trauma.
  • Notable Quote:
    Alex: "[00:66:28] Therapy that really helped me was EMDR..."

---

9. Role as Influencers: Community Support in Grief

Alex and John reflect on how their roles as content creators helped them navigate their grief by connecting with a broader community.

• Alex: "[00:68:32] ... finding a community to feel less alone."
• John: "[00:68:59] ... seeing the positive feedback we got helped me."

Key Points:

• Building Connections: Leveraging their platform to share their experiences and receive support from listeners.
  • Notable Quote:
    Alex: "[00:69:00] The fact that so many people can relate and connect over very similar situations made me feel less alone."
• Positive Feedback: Highlighting the therapeutic aspect of receiving understanding and encouragement from their audience.
  • Notable Quote:
    John: "[00:68:47] ... the exposure did help."

---

10. Final Thoughts: Embracing Grief and Moving Forward

The episode concludes with a poignant poem and light-hearted conversations about personal stories and upcoming content.

• Alex: "[00:72:56] ... a poem about grief that really helped me understand and navigate."
• John & Alex: Discussing their recent movie experience to lighten the mood.

Key Points:

• Poem Reading: Alex shares "Love Came First" by Donna Ashworth, encapsulating the essence of grief intertwined with love.
  • Poem Excerpt:
    "Love came first by Donna Ashworth
    You don't move on after loss, but you must move with.
    You must shake hands with grief..."
• Light-Hearted Interaction: The hosts engage in playful banter about movies and personal anecdotes to end the episode on a balanced note.

---

Conclusion: Episode 58 of Give It To Me Straight offers a deep and heartfelt exploration of grief, loss, and the various ways individuals navigate these challenging emotions. Through personal anecdotes, practical advice, and sincere conversations, Alex and John provide listeners with valuable insights into supporting loved ones and understanding their own grieving processes. The episode balances heavy topics with moments of levity, ensuring a comprehensive and engaging experience for the audience.

Notable Quotes:

• John on Supporting the Grieving: "[00:16:03] Whether it's like an Uber Eats card or, I don't know, chocolate strawberries... it's that just doing something instead of saying 'let me know if you need anything.'"
• Alex on Grieving Together: "[00:46:05] ... we had to lean on each other to get through that."
• Alex's Poem Reflection: "[00:72:56] Love came to you, my friend, because love came first."

---

For more episodes and content, visit Give It To Me Straight Podcast and follow Alex and John on Instagram at @givetomeestreampodcast.

Transcript

[Alex]

The following podcast is a dear media production. You're not supposed to swim in a green pool.

[John]

You're not supposed to drink water out of a hose.

[Alex]

Like, come on, you're gonna get a brain eating amoeba and I'm gonna be.

[John]

A single one's getting through this body.

[Alex]

No.

[John]

You're either gonna turn my body, my temple, my fortress.

[Alex]

The next season of the Last of Us.

[John]

And welcome back to Give it to Me Straight.

[Alex]

I'm Alex.

[John]

And I'm John. And we're your gracious, gracious, grac. Host. Much better.

[Alex]

Much better day, John.

[John]

Happy Tuesday, my lady.

[Alex]

How are you feeling?

[John]

Great, actually. I might have to take a. At some point.

[Alex]

You knew it.

[John]

That's why you were like, I feel it's bubbling up. I shouldn't have ate right before.

[Alex]

You didn't eat that much, though.

[John]

It doesn't matter. You even stopped yourself a little in a lot out.

[Alex]

Is that not ibs? Like, the second that you sniff food, your bowels are like.

[John]

Were you talking? We're eating Indian food. I'm like, all over the place. Did you see what I put together in there? It was like. No, that ETO pepe pasta. The little. Little balls of pasta that I made that like a week ago. I finished that off. Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. I got the pasta from last week. Little ground turkey I made like four days ago. And then I threw in that. The last of the Indian takeout.

[Alex]

You don't care about flavor profiles. Like, if we're at a restaurant, John is asking for every condiment that they own.

[John]

I don't care.

[Alex]

Yeah, Hot sauce on everything, Ranch everything.

[John]

When fajitas come and you know how you get the plate of, like, your. The stuff you put in, like the. The rice, the guacamole, all that stuff. A pro tip is you just stir it all together. No, that way you just slop it onto your fajita.

[Alex]

No, because you, like, want. I want to enjoy the. The flavors of the things in. In bites. Like. Yes. You could mix it slightly.

[John]

What do you mean? You're. You're mixing it once you.

[Alex]

But you're making it, like, into a soup.

[John]

Like, it's not a soup.

[Alex]

Yeah, you are exactly.

[John]

Scoop it, throw it on there.

[Alex]

Comes in as a paste, and it's.

[John]

Saving time as a paste, I hope. What's new? What's new this week? I'll start.

[Alex]

How do you. Oh, okay, go ahead.

[John]

I'm going to start. You know, coming from a privileged standpoint, we have a pool at our house, and I Want to first start by saying I didn't want a pool. The house came with a pool. I fucking hate pools. Cause I don't know anything about them. Alex, like, I'll take care. I'll do it. She hasn't done a fucking thing with the pool. So we opened the pool in May and it's July now. And we've been in the pool twice.

[Alex]

Whereas last year at this time we used the pool almost every day. It did help with my depression. Yeah, that's probably why. Sure.

[John]

Yeah, it did.

[Alex]

It did.

[John]

And buoyancy.

[Alex]

Yeah. I was like, I'm feeling a panic attack coming on. I'm just gonna go dive to the bottom of the pool. It did help. We use it everywhere.

[John]

The pool is nice. I guess. Whatever. Anyways.

[Alex]

What the fuck are you talking about? You love it. You also use it all the time. And if it wasn't green like Shrek Swamp is right now, you would be using it.

[John]

Get out of my swamp.

[Alex]

You know what the other thing is? Before John gets into this story, he doesn't care if there's algae in the pool. And tell me if I'm wrong. I grew up.

[John]

It's not a public pool. It's just you and like you're not.

[Alex]

Supposed to swim in a green.

[John]

You're not supposed to drink water out of a hose. Like come.

[Alex]

You're going to get a brain eating amoeba and I'm going to be a.

[John]

Single getting through this body.

[Alex]

No, you're either going to turn my body.

[John]

My temple, my fortress.

[Alex]

The next season of the Last of Us. Hopefully better than this past season. It will. That's what's going to happen when you go into the pool with algae. I'm almost positive. And don't. I mean actually fact check me. Can you swim in a pool with algae? Because I'm pretty sure.

[John]

I mean it's not like growing like swamp thing in the pool. There's a little allergy at the. Allergy. Allergy at the Algae. Algae at the bottom of the pool. It's just a little bit.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[John]

Anyways, back to my story. We've been in the pool twice, pools leaking. Could never figure out why it was leaking. Had to pay for that every time. Again, the chemicals are off. So we have some coming in to do the pool. Cause we don't know how to do that. So it's just every time we open the pool, it costs money. Most recently, besides the filter being clogged up, that was another service. Alex calls me because she's like, I'm gonna put the little machine in the.

[Alex]

Pool that cleans well because I want to use the pool. And I'm like, listen, if John's not gonna do it, you were supposed to do it. I was like, I'll do it. So I'm like, how would you put it in? What do you mean? It connects into the hose hole and you turn it and you let it run its course.

[John]

So you don't shut anything off before you put the Polaris thing in there.

[Alex]

Yeah, you do. I know how to use it.

[John]

Which one? Shut off. What are you supposed to shut off?

[Alex]

Whatever is system.

[John]

Yeah. You don't know.

[Alex]

I figure it out. Figure it out.

[John]

I think you're the one who fucked the pool up.

[Alex]

I didn't. You're the one who turned the filter off when it's supposed to be running. And that's why it turned green anyway.

[John]

So she's looking for this little machine called a Polaris. And she goes, where's the pool cover? And in my head I'm like, I think it's in the garage. And she's like, no, it's not in the garage.

[Alex]

Last year it took up. It's huge. It took up, like, the whole space. They still roll it up, but it was like. It took up, like, half our garage.

[John]

So I'm at the gym and I'm thinking, and I think. And I'm like, no fucking way. So when they opened the pool in May, I asked them to take the pool cover and drag it down to, like, the garage, like, in the driveway because it was wet, so I wanted it to dry out. And it's so heavy. I know that I'll be able to just drag it into the garage when it dries, no problem. Well, I forgot about it. I left it out overnight. And the trash guys picked it up and threw it out.

[Alex]

They thought it was a tarp.

[John]

They thought it was a tarp. Threw it out. And that's on me. And that's on me. And let's.

[Alex]

Let's talk about it.

[John]

What makes it worse is I got a quote. And they said between 8 and $10,000 for a new pool cover. And the pool cover is new. I'm just. God, I'm beside myself.

[Alex]

I can't wait to just like, use this moment for when, like, I want to buy something and just be like, you can't.

[John]

We can't afford it.

[Alex]

Well, when. We can. When we re. When we make up for the funds that you lost for this pool cover. Because the issue is too. It's a Custom pool cover. Like it are. We have one of those weird shapes. But what's nice about them is, like when they are new and when you don't throw them away, apparently they're like strong enough to hold a whole elephant.

[John]

So I think we implode the pool. No, just throw dirt in there, level it off, and put like a putting green up there or something. I'll see.

[Alex]

Never use that. You hate golf.

[John]

I'll put a archery up there and shoot arrows at my neighbors.

[Alex]

I was gonna say we have deer, but I would kill you if you did anything to the deer.

[John]

Anyway, so that's what happened this week. And now every time I look at the pool, I just look at a money pit. And now it makes me not enjoy the pool.

[Alex]

Well, because summer's gonna go by quick and we're gonna have to close the pool soon. So it's like we should probably start getting on the pool cover. Like, what are you gonna do? Or we just. Do people not cover their pools? Because in California they don't. A lot of people don't have pool covers.

[John]

Well, it's gonna freeze either way, I'm assuming, right? The. The pool water does it?

[Alex]

Yeah. Well, I mean, if it gets cold enough.

[John]

Unless the pool cover insulates it. But what if we just get tarps and center block around the pool? What's the worst that's gonna. It's just gonna have more leaves and in the pool.

[Alex]

I don't know what the point of covering a pool is, because every time you open it, it's filled with shit anyway. But maybe it just keeps it from being filled with less. Or maybe it's a safety thing, I guess. What if somebody fence around the pool?

[John]

True. So we're not liable. It's like somebody.

[Alex]

No, that guy. Remember?

[John]

I was going to bring it up? I was going to see if you were. The guy was hiding.

[Alex]

Yeah. So if you don't know what we're talking about. Some guy was on the run for killing his dad. They found him months later in a pool, dead. After the homeowners took off the pool cover because he hid sometime in the winter, I guess. Passed away from hypothermia for sure. I don't know. But yeah, maybe it's better than if we don't cover it because then we could see to make sure that there's no one hiding.

[John]

I feel like I remember the. The like helicopter footage of like a cop putting his ear to the pool. Or like, around me, like he thought he heard something.

[Alex]

I think you're me I don't remember that.

[John]

I think there is video footage of it.

[Alex]

Okay.

[John]

All right. What else?

[Alex]

What else from the week?

[John]

Yeah, well, we had a really good week. A good week. We had a lot of positive feedback on our announcement. It was really nice.

[Alex]

Yeah, I mean, like, we officially announced. So, like we had announced last week. And I mean, again, I think I still stand the same, like, where I thought maybe that would help me take a step forward to be a little bit more excited or. I don't want to say hopeful, but I still have that feeling of a little bit of dread, but I just don't think I'll. I'll honestly be able to take a cyber.

[John]

Don't. Don't kill the vibes. Right now. I'm wearing a fun shirt. This is. We're having a fun day.

[Alex]

Do you know what our.

[John]

I got sad on the last. Last episode. Let's just keep it light. It.

[Alex]

It's going to be a little difficult cuz. Do you know what we're talking about today?

[John]

No.

[Alex]

Grief.

[John]

Why? Just so everyone knows. I have. I walk into every podcast episode not knowing a thing.

[Alex]

You want it that way? You say, surprise me. And so I go, okay, this is so depressing.

[John]

We're talking about grief.

[Alex]

Well, it's about how to support people who are grieving. And I do think that's an important conversation. John.

[John]

What?

[Alex]

One of the most. One of the top questions that we've gotten is how to support people while they're grieving. And to be fair, if we hadn't gone through it, I don't know that I would be able to show up for someone in the best way. But now we know. We don't have to get into it yet. Give me some more updates.

[John]

John, you ruined it.

[Alex]

Oh, I ruined it. My bad.

[John]

We're already depressed. Let's make it more depressing.

[Alex]

I'm not depressed. You're just always in a bad mood. That's not in a bad.

[John]

What are you talking about? I'm not in a bad mood.

[Alex]

You just like. You just.

[John]

I'm. I have my fun shirt on.

[Alex]

What's so fun? Look at you. You look.

[John]

You just look moody right now.

[Alex]

I'm trying to balance so that I'm on the same level as you feel.

[John]

We swapped roles.

[Alex]

I'm, like, so happy about.

[John]

I'm glass half half full.

[Alex]

You can't even.

[John]

I'm glass half full. I'm happy, optimistic, and you're a Debbie Downer.

[Alex]

No.

[John]

It seems like you are.

[Alex]

Why? How is why?

[John]

Don't ask me why?

[Alex]

Trying to help people. Being a Debbie Downer.

[John]

Just in general.

[Alex]

I'm the least Debbie Downer. Mr. Complain all day. You threw the pool cover away and I didn't even get mad at you. I was just like, wow. Oh well. Expensive mistake. Like I could. I could rip you to shreds if I want. But I won't. Because you know what I am, John? Perfect. I'm forgiving.

[John]

You're perfect.

[Alex]

Thank you. I'm forgiving, though, which you aren't. If I did that, I would never. You would never let me live it down.

[John]

Probably not exactly.

[Alex]

But that makes you a bad person.

[John]

The pool is both of our job, not just mine, which you said in the beginning, I'll deal with the pool.

[Alex]

I know how to turn the buttons on for the hot tub and that. And you don't. So that's just.

[John]

You know, there's cameras all around our house and pointing down in our driveway, you could see the tarp. So you could have. I don't had some proactive approach.

[Alex]

Obsessed with the cameras. I don't check the cameras. I could be swarmed with people to rob me.

[John]

I'm in my Eagles nest.

[Alex]

I have no clue. I would be sitting on the couch with Kobe watching Love Island.

[John]

I already dug a tunnel. I'm out. Escape artist done gone.

[Alex]

John is out of town and he's texting me who's at the door. And I'm like, someone's at the door. I have no idea.

[John]

Your. Your survival skills are zero.

[Alex]

10. You know why? Because I don't worry until I have to worry.

[John]

Always gotta.

[Alex]

You're always worried.

[John]

I'm always watching my surroundings.

[Alex]

No, you're always.

[John]

I know everything that's going on.

[Alex]

That's why you're so stressed all the time is cause you're always worried.

[John]

You know the. But because I'm that way. That's the only reason that you're not stressed. You're like, oh, whatever. John. John. But you know what the difference is? When we go on trips, I don't give a fuck.

[Alex]

John turns his brain off. It's like, usually it's the other way around. Like, I see videos of like wives or women who are just like, oh my God. When I'm on vacation with my husband, I get to.

[John]

I don't plan it would get lost.

[Alex]

We walk into the airport and I'm like, you know what? Let me just see if John even knows which way the gate is. He starts walking towards the exit. I'm like, where are you going? He's like, to TSA, to PreCheck. I'm like, okay, have fun outside of the airport. I'm going this way. You don't look at signs. You don't look at anything.

[John]

I'm on vacation mode.

[Alex]

Okay, well, that's.

[John]

Even if it's work trip. I'm on vacation mode.

[Alex]

It's a balance, John. That's why we work out there.

[John]

Perfect.

[Alex]

We're the perfect match.

[John]

Something like that.

[Alex]

Do you think that you would couple up with me along? I don't know what that means on Love Island.

[John]

Speaking of Long Island, I still can't go into the city by myself. I don't know how to use the trains. I don't know how to use the railroad service. The subway.

[Alex]

I'll teach you.

[John]

I'm good. Yeah, I'm fine here. You just go in yourself.

[Alex]

But then again, like, one day goes by and you're like, I hate it here. Let's move to the city.

[John]

I'll never be happy.

[Alex]

I know. Except with me, right?

[John]

All right, what's next?

[Alex]

Okay, well, let's get into it. So today we are talking about grief.

[John]

Sweet.

[Alex]

Because I think that we have some experience with grief these days. But one of the top questions that we did get, and a lot of it, we got a lot of questions about grief, healing, loss, just in general, like, across the board, not just when it comes to infant loss or child loss or pregnancy loss. So we're gonna go through that. But a lot of them were repeat questions. So we're just gonna ask, like, the top ones that we got that you.

[John]

Oh, yeah, we. We got. But you.

[Alex]

They all said Alex and John, but, I mean, if you want people to just start talking.

[John]

No, no, no. It's both of us, John.

[Alex]

This could be my show. Really?

[John]

I mean, it is. It is your show. I'm just here, dude. I'm just a vessel.

[Alex]

Let's think back to the last episode. I was like, did I let you talk? Because every time we scrubbed through, it was only me. I was trying to get to a part where John was talking, and it was only me.

[John]

But you know what? I was drained.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[John]

I was tired.

[Alex]

Because you listened to me. You. You.

[John]

I'm active listening for the until questions.

[Alex]

You have to. We're getting into questions. You have to pay attention.

[John]

I'm ready.

[Alex]

Are you Mr. Fun Shirt? Okay.

[John]

I probably would be more into it if it wasn't depressing that what we were about to talk about, but let's go. Let's.

[Alex]

It's not. I think it's more helpful but let.

[John]

Me just put a disclaimer that, like, down the road, the episodes won't be so, like, sad.

[Alex]

I can't help that I have a very depressing chapter of my life right now. Hence why I did wear all black. Not it's really just a coincidence, but. Okay.

[John]

You can't tell if you're sweating.

[Alex]

That's true.

[John]

Yeah, I do.

[Alex]

I'm not really that hot right now though.

[John]

I'm wearing black shorts cuz my.

[Alex]

I know your ass sweats a lot. Thankfully, I'm not in that stage of pregnancy yet where I'm like, on fire.

[John]

But I heard, yeah, you supposed to like, sweat a lot.

[Alex]

I sweat a lot all the time anyway, so I don't think it will be very different for me. So I don't notice me sweating any more than I normally do, but I do notice. You know what? Let's just.

[John]

First question, let's go.

[Alex]

What were some of the most helpful and kind things people did for you and said while you were grieving? I'm wondering how to support others experiencing similar loss.

[John]

I'll go first. Just because I don't want you to steal the one thing that I can think of, John.

[Alex]

I know, but half the time I give you the floor first.

[John]

Always. Unless I say you first. Got it?

[Alex]

No, you never say, I have.

[John]

I have. I go, well, what do you think?

[Alex]

No, you say that. You say like when you go on a really long rant, you're like, are you gonna help me? Are you saying I can't win? Okay, you have the floor.

[John]

Okay. Okay. I think like some of my friends who just automatically sent us something, right? Not saying I needed anything, but instead of. And we've talked about this a lot, and I actually catch myself now not even saying anything. Like, let me know if you need anything, just do something instead. Because then it's like you're putting in that person's court. Like they need to reach out to you. Like, if you know someone's in pain and grief, whatever, and you truly want to help them, just a small gesture helps you. Whether it's like an Uber Eats card or, I don't know, chocolate strawberries or some. I mean, you like those. But I just like, I think it's that. That means more than words just acting on something.

[Alex]

Because I think it takes a lot of brain space for someone who's grieving to try to think. Like, they're gonna be like, I'm good, thank you. Like, they're not gonna say, hey, I could really use some help with grocery Shopping or running errands or I don't feel like cooking tonight, you know, would you mind bringing me dinner over? I think you just have to give them a solution and give them the opportunity to say yes or no or choose what they are interested in.

[John]

You're taking something off their plate, which is like huge.

[Alex]

So I actually for this question made a list because I was like there's a lot of things but it's not, it's not a super helpful.

[John]

Of course you did. Yeah.

[Alex]

Well, do you want to help? So you said food. That's a good one. It's just like get an access service.

[John]

Or act of service.

[Alex]

Like yeah, like offer, don't even offer. I think, I think you just say hey, I'm mowing my lawn, I'm coming over. You know when works for you. Or just send them an Uber Eats gift card so that they don't have to worry about a meal if you're not close to just like send them a home cooked meal. But I think when sending messages, the top thing that I loved was when people would say no need to respond but xyz because you get flooded with messages and, and then you feel like you need to respond back to everyone and say thank you so much or I appreciate it. And it's like just to be given the permission to not respond is very nice because. And also from the other side, don't expect a response. If someone is grieving, they might not have the mental capacity to respond. Another one is don't try to fix things. You know, don't start sentences with at least or solutions but because oh God, I've done that.

[John]

Like at least they're in a better place.

[Alex]

Yeah, yeah. And those, the, the thing is again with grief, you cannot fix the reason why they're hurting. Someone passed away. You cannot bring them back. So by trying to create a solution to their pain, it's not helpful because the only thing that would help their pain is if that person didn't pass away or they didn't experience, experience this loss.

[John]

But you know you're being informative right now, which is good. But gives these people a little credit for even, even you messaging someone. You're putting some sort of effort in and it's better than nothing.

[Alex]

Right?

[John]

And some people don't just don't know what to say.

[Alex]

No. And that's, and that's what I'm saying though is just showing up is great. And again I was this person prior to experiencing grief. I didn't know. And you don't know until you know, but so these are just again, some tools. Use them if you want or not. But I just think. Not trying to solve their problems for them, I think just validating their feelings, sitting with them and just being like, yeah, this sucks. Like, how can I support you? Another one. Which again, didn't think. And if you've done this, still a thoughtful gesture. Flowers was the hardest thing to get because they die. We had so many flower, dead flowers to deal with.

[John]

Well, that's all there. Doesn't even matter if it's flowers or not because even so the getting strawberries, whatever, anything is a reminder. So you can counter the.

[Alex]

No, no, no. My thing is.

[John]

No, that's. That's subjective. That's different because even getting the chocolate covered strawberries from.

[Alex]

But you eat those, you look at flowers and then they.

[John]

Subjective. That's subjective because still it's like, you know, you think you're like. Because some of us just want to forget or not be daily reminders.

[Alex]

You're saying don't send anything.

[John]

No, no, I'm just saying like there's two sides to that coin. Right? Because it's like, oh say like two weeks go by and then you get something in the mail. It's like it's just bringing it back.

[Alex]

I don't think so at all. I mean, but again, to each their own. And maybe that's like what you need to ask someone is, you know, how to show up. But I think that if you're going to send something, try to be creative outside of things other than flowers because it's not comforting. They're pretty to look at, but then they die and then this person has to now like trash these dead flowers. For me, the things that I enjoyed getting were aside from food. Consumables. Yeah, consumable things were like candles or just things that made me feel like cozy and loved. So just like treats, candles, food, just coffee, teas. Things that were very comforting and cozy as opposed to just something that was pretty to look at but I couldn't actually use. And then again when it's. If it's like on an anniversary, maybe, but when it just happens, people are flooded with flowers. And that's just my personal take on things was.

[John]

Well, I think two things could be right at the same time. What's the.

[Alex]

What's the few things could be true at once?

[John]

Yeah, yeah. Right. At the same time. Because it's like you can be like, I like all those things, like getting like I appreciate it, but at the same time it's still sad, because it's still just a reminder of, like. Like I, you know, I lost something. I don't know. Like, you're going to have both feelings. You can have them at the same time, too.

[Alex]

All I'm saying that. So you're saying you don't want anything in the mail. No, but if people are. Some people do.

[John]

But some people do.

[Alex]

But if people are sending.

[John]

I don't want anything. I don't want anything.

[Alex]

You would rather flowers.

[John]

No, I don't want anything.

[Alex]

Do you understand what I'm saying?

[John]

Yeah, I do understand what you're saying, but you're also subjective, too. You're just talking about flowers. I get that. But you could literally look at flowers. You can look at consumables at the same thing. They're like people gifting you something that in turn still. Are you not agreeing with me? Like, because at the same time, I'm.

[Alex]

Saying if you're thinking of sending something.

[John]

But some people like flowers. Some people want flowers. Like, I wouldn't say flowers is bad. Some people generally love flowers.

[Alex]

Okay, you know what? I'll go fuck myself. Send flowers. I didn't love getting all these flowers, but John. John loves flowers.

[John]

I didn't like getting all the flowers. I didn't like getting all the sweet.

[Alex]

Treats that we're gonna talk about later, though, is people just grieve differently. So, like.

[John]

Well, I don't know what we're talking about later, so.

[Alex]

You do. It's. This is all about grief. Okay. Another way that I say to show up for other ones. I mean, apparently these tips are fucking horrible, so I don't know why I even made a goddamn list. Include them. Don't assume that they don't want to do things because they're grieving. Still invite them out. AKA if you're having a gender reveal party. People who just lost their baby might not go, but they would still love the invite.

[John]

Yeah. Inside joke.

[Alex]

Inside joke. Yeah.

[John]

Don't assume.

[Alex]

Don't assume. Don't assume that you know how someone.

[John]

Well, let's be honest. You're not doing it for us. You're doing it for yourself because you don't want it to be uncomfortable at your event.

[Alex]

Perhaps. I don't know. Or again, like, if there's. If someone just recently lost their dad, like, and you're hosting a Father's Day brunch, like, I think it'd be really nice to still offer the option to that friend who just went through this loss. Hey, I'm hosting this thing. I know this Might be hard for you. Invitation is open. I completely understand if you don't want to come.

[John]

Yeah.

[Alex]

Leave it in their court to decide, like, what they do and don't want to do. I think it's. You might think that you're protecting them by not inviting them to something or not including them in some holiday or some event or, you know, whatever is going on. But I think again, everybody has a different grieving process. Some people just want to forget. Some people do want to avoid those triggers, but you really have to leave it up to them. Don't just assume the other way to show up for a grieving loved one is remembering important dates. But you probably don't like that because you don't want to be reminded. But I really appreciated when people would remember important dates and just say, I.

[John]

Guess we're both just completely different. Like, yeah, I don't. I don't need any help grieving or remembering anything. I'll do it myself. I don't know. I'm just that person. Like, some people are like that. I don't need to be reminded. Like, I know, but I think then.

[Alex]

To my next point it's follow their lead. Like if someone then sets a boundary and it's like, hey, I don't need you to remind me or I don't need you to check in. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. But I think that's what it is to like, follow their lead. And maybe if like you're trying to support. Support someone who's grieving is say I'm looking for. It's hard because it's like you don't want to put the mental load on them and be like, I'm looking for you to lead me. Like how you would like to me to support you. But I think by just saying, let me know how I can support you. Offer ways to support again, like food for John specifically.

[John]

Oh, I just want. You know, I think you're giving really, really great advice. Like, I really do think you are and that's for a lot of people. But again, I'm different and there are people like me who that. That doesn't work. So Levi example is. Is great. I'm starting to just think about how did I heal? I guess and us doing our dark.

[Alex]

I'll tell you how he didn't.

[John]

Okay. I just think us getting ahead of it. Like, I want. I don't like the uncomfortableness of the situation. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't. I like it's my Trauma. Right. It's my pain. Pain. And I'll deal with it how I see fit by myself internally. I don't want other people to treat me differently. I don't want other people to. Yeah. Like, act a certain way. And I think when we made our videos and. And did dark humor, like, it made me feel good because I felt like we were just getting ahead of it and making other people feel like it was okay to, like, laugh with us and just take the edge off. Am I saying, like, does that make sense?

[Alex]

No. I mean, I think creating, like, our dark sense of humor helped, like, alleviate the tension or the elephant in the room. But that's one thing, too, that, like, personally, when I was grieving, that I noticed was some people just avoid conversation about it. And I'm like, I. It almost makes it more awkward. I would rather you address it and just say, like, I'm so sorry for your loss. Like, you know, every situation is different.

[John]

Yeah, I could see that too.

[Alex]

Again, and it also depends on who you are. Because if I'm walking into a group of people who I'm not sure, I don't want to talk. I don't want to fucking talk about it. I don't know, you guys. I don't. You know, I'm walking into a work event. Like, we don't have to talk about it. But if it's friends who I haven't seen in a while, at least, like, since the loss, to just pretend like it didn't happen is almost more painful because I'm like, I would. I just want you to acknowledge it.

[John]

And.

[Alex]

And after experiencing people who didn't address it, you know, and I would. They'd be like, I'm sorry. I didn't want to bring it up. I didn't want to hurt you. And I'm like, I've already been through the worst pain. You bringing it up is not going to hurt me any more than it did. Like, and again, depending on who you are and how you grieve, I don't mind talking about it. Like, I am fine bringing it up to my friends. Like, I want you to ask how I am, but I just think avoiding it and pretending like it didn't happen, depending on your relationship with this person isn't always the best option either. Although it's uncomfortable for you. And sometimes the only thing, if you don't know what to say, say that and say, I don't know what to say, but I'm here for you and I love you. That's it. Like, just that simple.

[John]

Is that your list?

[Alex]

Yeah, for things of how to show up for them. And then I have things not to say.

[John]

I think at least I've actually taken this from. I haven't gotten to use it yet. But like, Aaron, your friend who says, do you want advice or do you want me to listen? You know, I just think flat out asking that question, and that clears up any confusion and. And whatnot, too. Like, just sitting with someone, be like, do you want. Do you want me to try to. Do you want comfort? Do you want me to listen? Do you want me to just sit here? Do you want advice? I. I think that's a great idea too.

[Alex]

Yeah. Well, because then you know your place, right? With your friend or whoever it is that you're sitting, you know, and helping them grieve, what. What you're supposed to do in that moment, you know, which is. I would say nine out of 10 times, people really just want to vent. They just, like, want you to listen right there. And so just being a good listener. But things not to say. Everything happens for a reason.

[John]

Mm.

[Alex]

Because.

[John]

Are you looking at me like. Do I say that?

[Alex]

No, I'm just saying, like, people do say that. It's.

[John]

I don't know why the fuck you were looking at me like, I'm just like.

[Alex]

So many people say that. Or like, you know, it was God's will.

[John]

Is this another inside joke that I'm, like, I should be picking up on?

[Alex]

No, no, no. But the inside joke that I will give you that you could pick up on is when people say, I'm praying for you. That's another thing not to say. And I think the reason why. And again, prior to this, I would say probably half of these things, like, everything happens for a reason. Change that for life is unfair because it validates this person's feelings without trying to be like, well, everything happens for a reason. Because it feels like to you, but not to me. So, like, oh, you're allowed to have your child, or you're not allowed to have your child, but I can. Everything happens for a reason. You'll get your next one, and it will be better than the last one.

[John]

Yeah, that's pretty tone deaf.

[Alex]

So that. Because it feels like things didn't work out the way or things are working out the way they're supposed to. Like, you're supposed to feel this tragic pain. But as someone who grew up in a very religious family, to me, personally, when I would hear I'm praying for you from an acquaintance or like, a stranger, that's something that I would expect. And I'm like, that's okay. But from someone who's close to you, it felt like they were outsourcing their effort to actually help me or be there for me. It's like, I'm praying for you. Saying that. It felt like someone is just saying that to make themselves feel better by letting you know, you're in my thoughts, you're in my prayers. I'm doing the most that I can be doing.

[John]

I would love to hear the counter to this because, you know, so many people are going to it are out of the woodworks and I try to counter this.

[Alex]

The other issue is too. It's like, you should be. But like, why are you telling me that you're praying?

[John]

Because they want you to know.

[Alex]

That's my point. It just feels like you're outsourcing your energy to a higher power. And you're like, I did my job. It's like, but you didn't actually. It's not a tangible thing. And to you, you might think that that's a tangible thing, like prayer. Great. Like. And again, I appreciate it from the larger community who of people who don't know you or acquaintances, but from a close family member who truly should be showing up for you in ways like physically being there for you, listening for you. I'm praying for you. Just feels like such an easy. Like a lazy cop out. In the same breath, if you're talking to someone who is religious, they might be mad at God. Like they might be mad at whatever higher power that they pray to.

[John]

And they're like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to remind you about it.

[Alex]

Or like, yeah, because it's like you prayed for a healthy pregnancy and it didn't fucking work. Like, you prayed for so and so to not have cancer and they still died anyway. So are you saying that prayers only work for some people and then God's will. Everything happens for a reason. I think during times of loss, some people, not everybody question their faith. And so I think by bringing religion into could be rocky waters, whatever, you know, you don't.

[John]

Everyone's different. Some people might lean into religion more than others and that might help them each his own. That ain't us, right?

[Alex]

I just think you have to know who you're communicating with.

[John]

And I even still think for them it's a cop out. I'm praying for you. Why don't you get off your ass and go help me, you know, be there for me. You praying for Me is not. Does whatever again, each his own, but do more again.

[Alex]

As people who have gone through a very heavy grief process, it just feels like the other person says it to pat themselves on the back.

[John]

Also. This is from experience. We both came from religious households. Mine religious, I mean, until eighth grade.

[Alex]

But God, like, I. My favorite summers were going to church camp. I love church camp.

[John]

Really?

[Alex]

I was a bad one in church camp, but I loved it.

[John]

Almost got beat up at church camp.

[Alex]

Really?

[John]

Yeah, some. Some kid took a. In the urinal and that was that.

[Alex]

Church camp?

[John]

Yeah, it was actually at my buddy's, like, Presbyterian church camp. I was having fun and then like the. The cleaners were like, lined up all the boys, because outside the boys bathroom, I think it was like nine or ten. And he was like, which one of you took a shit in the urinal? And I started laughing so hard it wasn't me. And they're like, guilty, guilty. They took me, put me on the ground facing up, and they made me do like this crunch thing, like, hands to my feet. They made me hold it there for like, I don't know, like five.

[Alex]

Sure. This was church camp.

[John]

And they were screaming at me in either ear. They were like, I know you did it. Like, yelling at me.

[Alex]

Yeah, may the power of Christ compel you. They were like, this guy needs an exercise.

[John]

I mean, I guess I shouldn't have.

[Alex]

Left, but it doesn't sound very churchy church like behavior. But who knows, you know, Are we.

[John]

Still in question one?

[Alex]

Probably move on before we get canceled from the church people. But, you know, again, I think you just have to understand who you're speaking to. Tread lightly in that topic again, don't try to fix her problem.

[John]

We don't need this recap summary. They could. They could rewind.

[Alex]

Okay, but my other thing was going to be don't compare your grief to someone else.

[John]

Yeah, that's. That's brutal. Yeah, I think that would annoy me.

[Alex]

Comparing losses again, sticky situation. Because this person's loss that they've gone through is so unique to themselves. Even if it's like we both lost our dads, you know, like, so someone has a different relationship with their dad or might not have lost their dad in the same exact way. So it's just. You can empathize with them. But like, I just think comparing your grief is just don't do it. Just don't compare your grief. And we did get a question on that. Just comparing losses in general, where someone asked, and this was something that we have experienced after Losing Leo. And the question is, I had a 16 week miscarriage in March and I've honestly struggled with this one thing. And let me know if I'm crazy or if you guys have experienced this too. I by no means compare miscarriage by how early or late you lost your baby. Loss is lost and that hurt is incomparable. But sometimes I feel like I can't talk about the major differences in early versus late loss without someone making me feel like it's all the same. And I shouldn't even insinuate that there's really difficult differences between a four week miscarriage and a second trimester or even a stillbirth, mainly physical differences, for example. I just feel like there's a little conversation on with what happens in a second trimester loss or stillbirth or what that's really like, may just be my perspective. There should be openness on all baby losses, regardless of gestation.

[John]

Did someone say that to her or something? Is she just like, well, for example.

[Alex]

This summer we went, we were in LA and we had a late term loss and someone who was in a professional setting asked if we had kids. And I go, oh no. Like we had lost our son over the summer and so this was like a few months after that. And I was like, it was very traumatic. It was late term loss, 26 weeks. And she goes, I know exactly how you're feeling or like I know exactly what you've been through. And I'm thinking, oh my gosh, like someone else who's had a second trimester or close to third trimester lost. She goes, I had an eight week miscarriage. To be fair, I would never diminish her pain and what she went through. But I would, I would also never compare our loss to someone who lost a living child or someone who went through a full term stillbirth. And this is why I think comparing is just dangerous because it's gonna make people feel resent towards you. Like how you don't know what I felt. But what I've learned is someone who's gone through an eight, nine, even a four week miscarriage, if that's the worst pain emotionally that they've ever experienced, that's valid for them.

[John]

There's a time and place, right? And her bringing it up right there was not the time.

[Alex]

Well, and again, it's just like you don't, you don't know exactly how I'm feeling. Like I had to deliver a baby.

[John]

Where it's open mic and it's like lost parents all talking about Their grief is one thing, but then. But do you think that, like, in your head, did you think, like, I'm gonna. You telling us that is gonna make us feel better?

[Alex]

Right. But I think people in general, and this is why, again, I don't. If someone wants to bring up their miscarriage to me, and that's the other thing that a lot of people in the lost community have to understand. Like, a miscarriage is early term. Like, that is first trimester. Second stillbirth is when you're at viability. So I think that's 24 weeks plus, like, if your baby is born and they're healthy, they have the chance of survival. They don't all survive, but if, like, they're in the NICU and the stars fucking align, your baby has a chance of survival outside the womb at 24 weeks. And that's why I think it gets a little bit tricky when people try to compare miscarriages to stillbirths or late trimester losses, because physically they're different. You're dealing with different things. But to what I was saying before, I don't think that it's. She's trying to necessarily say, like, I get what you're going through. I think people are just looking for connection. And so it's not to hurt someone or be like, oh, I went through just as much pain as you. I think it's more about creating some bond, which I get. And so again, because that's the worst pain that that person might have ever experienced. That's valid. I'm not. I don't. I don't. I've never shamed someone for comparing my loss to theirs, but I. It's something that I personally don't do because I hated it when people would do it to me.

[John]

Yeah, just leave me the alone. Honestly, her saying that I'm just like, dude, I'm just. You weren't.

[Alex]

Were you in the room? You weren't in the room.

[John]

You told me. I don't know. Whatever.

[Alex]

I'm sure I was there, didn't love it. But at the same time, I was like, I hate that she went through something that was so painful for her because, again, that's probably the worst thing that she's ever experienced. Again, I can't imagine going through it at an even later gestation. So it's just like, you just can't compare. You just don't compare your grief.

[John]

Just, like, hearing, like, women talk about, I wonder, like, guys, what do we. Like, I don't know any other guys who've gone through it or really talk about it. I don't. I don't know. Like, are we this open or do we kind of just like, hey, been there, you know?

[Alex]

Why do you think you don't want to talk about it? Do you think it makes you feel.

[John]

Too vulnerable or like, no, dude, come on, I'm. I'm a fucking open book. I'm sensitive and I'm. I'm an emotional being. It's not that we've talked about it, right?

[Alex]

But you.

[John]

I just don't feel the need to talk to, like, strangers about it. I don't fucking know you. You know, like, what is this doing? We're like, we're having a good time. And you're like, hey, but that's what.

[Alex]

I mean when I'm saying that. I think people are just looking for connection, you know, Like, I don't want that connection.

[John]

That is a connection I don't want to have. And like, we. And like how we've had people in the lost community be like, this is a group that no one wants to be a part of. And unfortunately we are in. Like, I still, like, it's not something I want to like, kumbaya over.

[Alex]

I mean, I don't know. I think to each their own, which is just. Maybe that's what we put on a shirt these days instead of put me in a home. It's to each their own because we have met people in the lost community who I'm so grateful that they've reached out because they've actually given me tools to help cope.

[John]

I agree. I get it. I did have. When I visit my friends in Florida and I had. I had a waitress come up to me and, like, give me a hug. And she cried and was like, I've been through this. Like, I felt good that I was there to support her, I guess. And that's how I looked at it. And I didn't. Which I should have looked at it both ways. Like, you're comforting me, but I want to comfort other people's. I don't want to be comforted. I don't know. I don't know. It's.

[Alex]

Well, do you feel like you've truly, like, processed your grief?

[John]

I think so. Because it. It's not like I'm affected by it daily. I'm only really affected by it when, like, I see some sappy ass video or like, you're upset.

[Alex]

Well, I don't think grief is like that, though. It's not linear or like where I think in the beginning you think about it every day and it impacts you but over time. And that's.

[John]

You're gonna be like, john needs to go to therapy.

[Alex]

I mean, say it. Everybody in the comments tell John therapy. I don't.

[John]

I mean, sure, I guess I could talk to someone else about it. I'm open about it. Like if I, I'm open to talking to you about it. If I saw a therapist, I would say the same exact thing to therapist as I'm saying to you. Maybe she would have some better tools to cope. But like, even if I get upset about it, I'm still self regulated. I still know like, this will pass. Or like, and it's okay to grieve too, in whichever way you want. There's nothing wrong. Like, why would I, Why do I have to go to therapy? Because I feel sadness sometimes. It's not affecting my day to day. It's not affecting my relationships with anyone.

[Alex]

And no, I think that that's a normal human emotion. And that's the thing with grief too is it's not linear. It will hit you at any time.

[John]

Right.

[Alex]

And it's not that it gets easier with time. You just become stronger as a person and you just, it's just something that you learn to carry with you over time.

[John]

Right.

[Alex]

But when you're in the thick of, it fucking sucks.

[John]

Brutal.

[Alex]

But yeah. I don't know, I just think that everybody has an experience around grief. Not everybody, which is the tough thing about, about, you know, having conversations with certain people in your life that haven't experienced this pain. But sometimes people just want to talk about it and I don't blame them. And that's my point of just being like. While it's not. I don't think it's great to compare each other's griefs. I do enjoy hearing other people's stories about what they've experienced and gone through because it makes me feel less alone.

[John]

I get that. I understand.

[Alex]

You want me to go to the next question?

[John]

Let's talk about grief.

[Alex]

I've heard loss can tear couples apart. How did you manage to protect your relationship in marriage to prevent that from happening?

[John]

You're obviously like my whole world, right? Like, so if you're. Get away from me.

[Alex]

Come here, Come here.

[John]

No, but I mean, like, why, why would something like that tear you apart? That's how I know. Like, there are reasons why, but like, my brain didn't go there at all. I'm like, we're in crisis mode. My wife needs me. I'm there no matter what. Whatever it takes. I'M there and like everything else doesn't fudgeing matter. It's weird. Don't cry. That's weird. You're being weird. So awkward. I don't know. You're making me uncomfortable.

[Alex]

John is like the most in. In tune, emotional, like person, like self regulated with your emotions. As soon as we're in front of people or in front of like the mics or cameras, you're like, this is weird. It's not weird.

[John]

Okay, hold my hands. How many episodes? We're gonna just cry. You're gonna get sad now.

[Alex]

John.

[John]

People are just enjoying their day and now they're like hearing the podcast, like, well, this is.

[Alex]

We're on subscribe.

[John]

I'm on brunch.

[Alex]

I'm on lunch to be fun. And that was just sad. No, these are happy tears. Because we've come out on the other side.

[John]

John.

[Alex]

These are happy tears, happy tissues.

[John]

But I never looked at it like that. It would break us.

[Alex]

Yeah, no, but I think communication sometimes lacks during loss or times of grief that people don't know how to reconnect again. But I think our communication, with which we haven't sang yet.

[John]

Communication. That's a big ass spider on the wall.

[Alex]

That's actually this one of the small spiders I've ever seen.

[John]

We should say once. And we've been on several podcasts talking about this, but we'll say it one more time because I feel like it needs to be said. Moments of grief, how we grieve differently. Because I don't think we talked about last time when we were in crisis mode. And I mean, there was days I couldn't get you out of bed, couldn't get you to eat. Like, you know, there was rightfully. So you had some resentment, I think, because I wasn't grieving at that time. And it wasn't until you spoke with like your therapist about it. Like, what you say to you.

[Alex]

Well, we went to a grief counselor together because I was like, I think it's important that, like, I have a therapist who I've been seeing for years. But I was like, it might be helpful to go to a grief counselor who specializes in this so we can have these open conversations and see how to like, reconnect as a couple. Because there was a moment where I was like, do you even care? Because I felt like you didn't. And so we had the meeting with our grief counselor and I was explaining how I was grieving so hard. And John, I just feel like I wasn't getting the same level of emotion out of you. And she turned it back on me and was like, do you think that you would be okay if he was grieving as hard as you were grieving? And in that moment, I had a realization where I envisioned if you were grieving as hard as I was, and then I feel like I would have to step up for you. And. And not that you didn't deserve that platform, but I just don't think right now we both could have been grieving so heavily. And so I think realizing that. That I had to heal first and that it was kind of in waves and in a process. And once you saw that I was okay, that's really. When you took the moments to.

[John]

When I knew that you were. You were on the up, I. I felt more comfortable, and then I was able to process more myself. You know, I'm gonna. On a lighter note, that grief counselor was kind of. To be honest, I was like, this is the biggest waste of time. She was saying. I'm like, do you listen to our.

[Alex]

But was it a waste of time? If it helped me, like, if. If it helped me realize how you were grieving, I don't think it was a waste of time.

[John]

Cool. She said one thing, and that's all.

[Alex]

That you get in therapy. That's all that matters. $150.

[John]

I was like, I'm listening to her. I'm like, do you listen to our podcast? Everything you're saying? Well, communication and it comes in ways. I'm like, the. I'm going to be. No, I'm not going to say that.

[Alex]

John did say that after, though. He's like, I'm just going to be a fucking therapist. I'm like, okay, John, I am a therapist. Not a mental therapist.

[John]

Mental therapist. A psychologist.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[John]

No, I probably couldn't do that. Maybe I could. I don't know.

[Alex]

John, you could do anything.

[John]

I love Dr. John.

[Alex]

You could do anything.

[John]

That's not me. Side note, it's not me. Psychologists, everyone. Like, I know I can't do it. I know your. Your job is valid. I'm just saying this one lady we talked to, I was like, this is. We're paying. How much is kind of. But anyways, I think it was helpful.

[Alex]

But at the same time, yes, we grieve differently on different timelines. And for us, I think what kept us together was knowing that all we had was each other. During that, John was the only other person who knew exactly what I was experiencing. And same vice versa. And so we had to lean on each other to get through that. Communicate and move on through thick and thin, lady. I know. That's what our wedding vows are for. And that's like, what comes into play. It's like, good times end in bad. Gotta think about those times.

[John]

What are we looking at? We were watching Love island or something the other day, and I'm looking at these young couples and just, like, look at the spark in their eyes. Like this. This potential. No problems potentially dating. I'm like, I never want to go back to that time we went through war and we've been through so much together. I'm like, I don't think I can ever find that with someone else. But also, I wouldn't want to. I don't want to do all that over again. Fuck.

[Alex]

I know. But sometimes you have to have a choice, though. Like, you lose a spouse and never get married. Get back out there.

[John]

I'll never get married again.

[Alex]

You say that now. Okay, next question. I lost my mom at a young age and believe in God, and I know she's in heaven and she's not in pain anymore. However, I'm now getting married and I'm seeing everyone else with their mom coming to these events. And it really saddens me. It is just now setting in that I will never have her for any of my important life events. Any advice on how to get through this? We've gone through. We used to be in the wedding industry. John and I were wedding filmmakers. If some of you haven't known that, or if some of you didn't know that, there were so many creative ways that people would still incorporate their parents who have passed into their day, whether it was sewing a piece of mom's dress into their dress or keeping a picture of dad in the bouquet. And I think that during these big life events, these are going to be extremely challenging times in your life for you. And I can't speak on experience. So, like, I might not have the best advice on how to do this, like, again. And this whole episode, like, you have to remember that this is through the lens of us. Like, our grief is from the lens of losing a baby. Like, not a living child, not a sibling, not a parent. And so I think there's ways that you can still incorporate your mom so that she's not forgotten throughout these days. Whether it's her. Her favorite flower, a picture of her that you continuously, like, bring throughout these events, her favorite song. There's a lot of ways you can.

[John]

Do a prayer in her name if you want to.

[Alex]

Keeping her memory alive, or just like, what was her favorite dessert. Like serve that at the wedding or, you know, these events that you have.

[John]

Light a candle for her.

[Alex]

But I'm. Yeah, light a candle for her. But I'm not. I'm not going to sit here and be like, yeah, like, there's ways to get through it and it's going to be easy. It's going to be fucking hard.

[John]

There's ways to get by.

[Alex]

Yeah. Yeah. But I'm sorry for your loss.

[John]

Yeah.

[Alex]

And again, congratulations on these life events. But I think, you know, maybe confide in someone else who has lost parent and see how they were able to incorporate their parent through these milestones in their life. Any advice, John, or did you just want me to take the floor for all.

[John]

Yeah, that's fine. I said candle. Is there like a happy question?

[Alex]

No, not a single one. Okay. But this is a good one. It's not happy, though. Do you find yourself ever feeling resentful towards friends or family that haven't experienced such profound loss like you have? I lost my mom last year when I was 26. I often find myself having angry feelings towards friends who haven't experienced loss. I have friends who haven't lost a grandparent yet, let alone a parent. I feel guilty for feeling that way because I know it's not their fault and I don't wish this on them. I just feel like they don't have a deep understanding of the world as maybe I do now. It makes it harder for me to feel like we can relate on other levels without this shared experience. Is this something you guys have experienced?

[John]

That doesn't bother me. I think I more would have resentment towards someone through action if they're saying something or doing something that's like triggering to you for that. I mean, I don't know, maybe because.

[Alex]

Again, you physically didn't go through the loss. But I can relate to this for sure.

[John]

Because you're resentful when, like some people have had like a healthy pregnancy.

[Alex]

And like, I think when people take for granted the healthy pregnancy or the kids that they do have, and I'm like, what I would give. You know, but you only have that perspective, again, similar to you losing a parent because you lot, you went through that loss. So I understand exactly what you mean. It's just like it's a type of pain that I guess if they're com.

[John]

But that's what I was saying. Then if they're prime example, don't resent them. But if they come back and they're complaining like someone who has a kid and they're complaining like they don't. They're stressed with this kid or like they don't have help. Whatever, Whatever. It's like you have a healthy child and you're complaining about the. Just things that aren't important.

[Alex]

Right. But I just think it's a natural human emotion. Like, even if they don't complain to. Just think like, why me? And again, those are inside thoughts. Because I actually talked to my therapist about this.

[John]

Makes sense.

[Alex]

Yeah. Where I'm just like, it's. It's not even necessarily resent for me. It's more envy. And I'm like, why the did I have to go through this and experience. Experience this pain? And you didn't. Like, you don't even take care of yourself or like, you know, you start going through this whole thing of, you know, why do they deserve this happy quote unquote thing. But.

[John]

And it's not saying you want to think. No, no. It just happens. We're human. Yeah.

[Alex]

And the thing is too, like, I would never wish this on anyone, like you said, but you just do feel this disconnect because they don't actually understand your pain. And they won't unless they go through it. But what I've also realized is that they haven't gone through this pain yet. And it might not be the same exact pain, but nobody is immune to tragedy. Nobody is immune to going through loss at some point in their life. And I think that's just the circle of life, is that people will experience some type of grief in a different capacity. So that's again, going back to. You can't compare because your experience is just gonna be so different. Like. And it's so easy to look at what you don't have versus what you do have.

[John]

Right.

[Alex]

So I don't wanna be like, toxically positive here, but it's. It's easier to get through those moments of envy, jealousy, resentment when you just look at the things that you do have.

[John]

You're such a good speaker.

[Alex]

God, thanks, John.

[John]

It's good to know you're just, like, naturally raw, talented. It's fucking annoying.

[Alex]

It's just therapy. I'm really just repeating.

[John]

You're like, you're a good speaker. You're creative, you're attractive, you're an athlete. And I'm over here. Like, you play instruments. I got Alex, a fucking electric piano or whatever it's called. You know what? When I was a kid, I had a recorder and my sister. Did we talk about this? My sister's playing.

[Alex]

I'm just like, is this a pity party for you? Like, you're complimenting me, but it's like a backhanded compliment. You're like, and I'm a loser.

[John]

No, no, no, no. I just think it's bull. Just, you're. Good for you.

[Alex]

Okay, now let me take the floor and compliment John. John has a really nice mustache. I wish my mustache looked that nice. Keep going.

[John]

Honestly, I'm just trying to lighten the mood. Could I just tell a funny story?

[Alex]

Sure.

[John]

I need. I need this. Jen, my sister, plays a clarinet. Killing it as a kid, playing the. What's this one?

[Alex]

Violin.

[John]

Violin. I think. Yeah. Doing it. And my parents said, let's get John into.

[Alex]

Let's get John into, like, the tambourine.

[John]

So Jen's one room doing the violin, and my parents look over. I have the recorder. I'm like Hot Cross Buns. And I have all this spit and drool coming out the other end of the recorder.

[Alex]

That's what happens if you play clarinet, too. You got to clear that out.

[John]

I'm just saying. I think it's that some people get all the. The natural talent.

[Alex]

John, you're naturally talented.

[John]

I'm just saying it's, you know, it's annoying. I want some of this to rub off on me. I want you to rub one off. Rub it off.

[Alex]

I mean, I will absolutely do that later. All right.

[John]

Continue with this depressing shit.

[Alex]

No, I just think that your feelings are valid. They're very normal. But the way to try to get past that. Not that you asked, because you just asked if it was something we experienced. And yes, personally, I have, is you just have to look. You can't compare knowing that people will experience tragedy down the road as well, or, you know, and hopefully not every.

[John]

Everyone's gonna get it, but that nobody's.

[Alex]

Immune to it, you know, it doesn't mean that they also haven't experienced some loss earlier in their life that you just don't know about.

[John]

There's a clock. We're all gonna punch out one day.

[Alex]

That'S depressed and then see, like, that's more depressing. John, you go, let's make this happy. We're all gonna die.

[John]

From the depotted. What did Jack Nicholson say? He's like, we're all gonna die. Act accordingly. It's a good line.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[John]

Then he snapped. Leonardo carpet. Leonardo DiCaprio's arm.

[Alex]

I don't think I saw that movie.

[John]

You never saw the Departed?

[Alex]

I don't know. Is it, like, a really old movie?

[John]

What's really old? You okay, next question.

[Alex]

This one is specifically for you, John. My partner and I recently each lost a parent due to cancer. I tend to process my grief out loud. I like to communicate how, when, why I'm feeling sad. And it's often. While my partner doesn't really see the benefit for himself in terms of sharing how sad he may be feeling at any given point, if anything, he feels like it will make him more sad to keep talking about being sad. I want to be mindful about the ways in which he prefers to process his grief, but I keep feeling like we're missing out on ways in which this could bring us together. More could be all in my head. But any advice on navigating grief with your partner that processes trauma in a different way, that would be super helpful.

[John]

So the first part of that, if. If him as a person hasn't changed at all and you don't see any differences, like, let him grieve the way he wants to grieve. But to the second part where, like, you think this could bring you together, I would express that. I mean, I. I think I understand where you're coming from, and it could bring you more together. But you do need to tread lightly because you don't want to push that onto him if he really doesn't want to talk about it. I mean, for what, like, he. He doesn't want to reopen a wound, but he's your partner. If it's going to make you feel better. You got to. You got to meet. You got to meet halfway on that. How do you meet halfway on that?

[Alex]

Well, I, again, I think it's a balance of asking him what he needs and just respecting his process. Because you can't push someone into grieving how you grieve or healing quicker, you know, Like, I just. Everyone also has different relationships with the people who they are grieving. And so that might make it a little bit more complex. Not saying, like, he didn't have a good relationship with his parent who passed, but I just think that everyone has a different process for how they grieve, depending on who it is, what their relationship is, and who they are as an individual. You know, it's a very personal journey. And the one thing that we were told while we were grieving is that there's no right or wrong way.

[John]

Right?

[Alex]

So his way isn't wrong. It's just different from yours.

[John]

Why don't you spin this differently? Instead of grieving together to come closer, maybe there's something you could do to come closer together. Maybe celebrating their lives instead of talking about the depressing. The grief of them dying just like. Or what's good about having one parent. I don't know that there's another way to connect versus connecting over grief again.

[Alex]

And I think, I think him saying to like, talking about your sad feelings keeps you sad. And I think that like, yeah, while you do need to get those feelings out of your body, I think there's studies based on, you know, the more that you talk about your problems, the more problems that you have. And not saying that that like compares necessarily to grief, but that just might be again, his process and that he's thinking that if I just think happier thoughts or don't address this, like, I'll just be a happier person.

[John]

I'm also trying to compare myself because to him in this situation, I'm like, but I'm different because I talk about it and.

[Alex]

But it's not.

[John]

Well, it seems like they don't. She. He hasn't talked about it at all. Like, I feel better talking to you about like, I've gotten it all out. I've. I have spoken about it. I have gotten to my feelings about it. Like, has he at all? We don't know. You know, and that's different. Like, if he's just kept it all in, like, that could be bad.

[Alex]

I think when to address it is if he's struggling personally in his life.

[John]

In the beginning. Exactly.

[Alex]

Yeah. Like if you see that he is not able to function anymore because he's holding it and it's turning into depression, that's when I think you need to take action. But right now it might just be too soon to really intervene in something that he's just trying to process on his own. It's a very personal journey.

[John]

Do they just lose them?

[Alex]

It said. My partner and I recently each lost a parent due to cancer.

[John]

Oh, then yeah, wait a little bit. You both are grieving differently. Yeah, for sure.

[Alex]

But maybe you could, you could ask him what are ways that you feel comfortable celebrating this parent.

[John]

I would not worry about his grief at all right now because it's fresh. But you could ask him, like, how do you want to be comforted? Like on your. From your partner.

[Alex]

Right.

[John]

You can ask him about that or like figure that out. What's ever going to try to make you feel better because he should want to help you with that. But don't start trying to get him to hash out stuff right now. Let him come into his own about it.

[Alex]

Yeah. And again, I think just respecting that you both are going to have different grieving journeys, at least for now. Good job.

[John]

Good for both. To us.

[Alex]

Good for us. All right, next question. I want to bring to light PTSD and how it has impacted me. A couple of years ago, I was in a car accident, and highway driving has never been the same for me. It took me a while to get myself back on the highway, and I thought I was making progress, but now I feel like I'm regressing. I get the worst panic attacks imaginable while I'm driving and honestly, probably shouldn't be driving at all. I waited two and a half years to book myself a therapist appointment for. For this issue. I guess my question is, why do we wait so long to finally try to heal from traumatic events? Why do we think we can be strong when in reality we need the most support we can get?

[John]

I don't think you're waiting so long. I think you're waiting until you're. You're pro. Until you process it right. It's like, when you know you're ready, you'll be ready to. To. To deal with something.

[Alex]

I think that's even like a breakup. Like, why did I wait so long to leave this relationship? Because you finally hit your point of enough. Like, you finally get to your breaking point, and that's what it is.

[John]

It's like, why did it take me so long to get over somebody, like, after? Because you're still healing from whatever that.

[Alex]

Was, and you're obviously going to try to process it on your own without outside sources first to see, like, what you can manage until it gets to be overbearing. But personally, a situation like this, and I'm glad that you're okay from this accident, but I think trauma that's very physical. I spoke about this a little bit on the last episode, but therapy that really helped me was emdr. And again, it's like going back into that memory, like, reprocessing that trauma. And it's a lot of work. It's exhausting. It's very emotionally taxing, and it might not be for everyone, but I think that it's a tool to look into to potentially help you with your panic attacks. Because for me, I also, I've never had a panic attack in my life, ever, until losing Leo. And honestly, before having a panic attack, before experiencing one myself, if someone was telling me that they were having a panic attack, I'd be like, about what? Like, you're safe, nothing's happening. But it's like your internal system just. You feel it coming on. It's like a mix of, like, your mental. And you're like, I know I'm safe, but my body doesn't feel. Feel safe right now. And so I thought after processing that I would be okay, like after, you know, a few months of losing Leo, but I started having them again when I was working out. Like, my heart rate would get so elevated and my body would get back into that state where it's like, you're not safe. You're losing your son. You know, you're having. You're back in this. You're back in this very elevated heightened state of anxiety. And I would have panic attacks. And I was like, I don't know what the fuck to do about this. Then I found out I was pregnant, and I was like, I can't continue to move forward if I can't even have control over my body. And that's when I learned about emdr. So it might not be the best option for you, but I would look into it. And I don't think that you should feel guilt for waiting so long to get therapy to get the support that you needed. I think you were just doing your best and trying to deal with it on your own at first also.

[John]

Yeah. Don't go on the highway right now if, like, that's not. That's not something you rip the band aid off for because you don't want to cause harm to yourself or others. So take back roads at this point. I mean, until you think you're comfortable. Like, you don't want to risk injuring anyone. So.

[Alex]

Well, not a fun one, but an interesting one that I thought that you might want to answer another question, just a short one. Do you think your grieving process would have been different if you weren't influenced influencers?

[John]

I don't know. It probably would have been, I hate to admit, almost worse because I feel like I had to readjust real quickly for some reason, like going out in public or whatever. Like, I don't know. Like, I think if I was. What I was doing five years ago, I probably would have just sat in my house, gone to work, gone home and just been miserable.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[John]

And not have gone up every day to. To overcome what we went through.

[Alex]

I think reading this question, it, like, made me reflect on just, like, our jobs as content creators who are influencers. And I think when we had initially gone through loss and we were taking time off, I could not be more thankful for the ability and the blessing that we had to be able to take time off. I kept thinking about people who like or if you and I are our regular jobs, when we were wedding filmmakers, if we had to show up to a booked wedding, I don't know that I mentally would have been able to handle that. Like, while I do think it's important to get back into your life and.

[John]

Your routine, you need a fucking minute.

[Alex]

You need a minute. And that's all that I kept thinking about was just like, I can't imagine going back to work and just pretending postpartum that things were okay. And I think that's another conversation to be had about just, you know, help for parents in general, whether it's after loss or just parents in general in the fucking us, you know, like, that's another conversation to be had. But being influencers, I found that once we were to a place to like, quote, unquote, get back to our jobs, it was healing in a sense because we were able to find a community. And when we were putting out these videos that had an undertone of dark humor, I felt more connected to people than I ever had. And I don't know that I would have found that community if we were.

[John]

I guess now I'm being hypocritical because seeing the positive feedback we got helped me. Right before we had a platform, who would we get any, any sort of feedback from? Our parents and, like our small friends.

[Alex]

Like, we didn't know anyone who had gone through a loss that we had. It was maybe one or two people in like, our actual community that we knew.

[John]

I guess the exposure did help.

[Alex]

Yeah. Because I. Again, like, I. Not that I can answer every message that we get, but like, I read like a lot of them that come through and the stories and I'm just like, the fact that so many people can relate and connect over very similar situations. I felt like personally it helped my grieving process because we were able to reach a larger community to feel less alone, but in a weird. In a weird way.

[John]

Yeah, weird, weird times. Weird depressing times. I don't know. It's hard to navigate.

[Alex]

It's so hard. And again, it's like people are just like, you just, can I.

[John]

Can we talk about some for some? And it really pissed me off. I remember seeing some comments where they were like, don't, like, well, this is what you get for announcing your pregnancy on social media.

[Alex]

I think those are just troll accounts looking for you all.

[John]

Can you all can go yourselves. Because anyone, whether you're an influencer, a regular person, doesn't matter. Like, you're showing you have friends and family on social media. You're just showing them what you're excited about. It's not like we were doing it so we can gain clout from it or just like anyone else.

[Alex]

Right?

[John]

And it's really irked the shit out of me that some dumb little on behind his keyboard would say something like that. Like, you don't fudgeing know me Well.

[Alex]

I think again, it's troll accounts who don't who are just looking for a reaction. But I do.

[John]

You got one.

[Alex]

Yeah, I think too we stay out of the comment section as often as we can. But going through grief, it heightened things so much. Like people just say the most horrible things and like again, 99 of the feedback that we got. But we also got a lot of negativity when we announced our pregnancy the first time, you know, and I, I people believe in the evil eye and whatnot. And I just think that. Keep your negative thoughts to your fucking self. But some people can't help themselves because they're negative. They're just horrible, sad people. But the other thing that I didn't expect was like the lack of self awareness. There was someone who like would probably three weeks after losing Leo, someone who I'm not really friends with, sends me a picture of their newborn and goes, can't wait to meet Aunt Alex. I'm like number one, tone deaf. Read the room. Like, we're not that close where I need to see a picture of your newborn. Or you know, sending family photos in the group chat, like of everybody's newborns. Like, then don't be surprised when I send my son's urn in the family group chat. Like, it's just I. When people are grieving, just read the room. And I know it's hard unless you've really experienced loss, but it's one of the most painful things that someone can go through. And to anyone out there who's grieving, I hope that it gets better for you. Because I feel for us personally, the pain, the heavy pain did not last forever. It still comes. It comes in waves, but it's not as often. And I think that in itself is a win.

[John]

Yay.

[Alex]

And just know that people are idiots. You're gonna have very uncomfortable conversations. Oh, wait. On that note, I did wanna. I know this episode is so much so fucking long already, but there was a poem about grief that really helped me understand and navigate. And I wanted to read it to you guys. It's called Love Came first by Donna Ashworth. You don't move on after loss, but you must move with. You must Shake hands with grief. Welcome her in, for she lives with you now. Pull her a chair at the table and offer her comfort. She is not the monster you first thought her to be. She is love. And she will walk with you now, stay with you now peacefully, if you let her. And on the days when your anger is high, remember why she came. Remember who she represents. Remember. Grief came to you, my friend, because love came first.

[John]

Well said.

[Alex]

Wow. What's your rec for the week? Jesus.

[John]

Is that the next thing? Is that the next category in the podcast?

[Alex]

Yeah, after. After that one wrecked me.

[John]

Oh, you know what? And oh, I was like, oh, yeah. And I forgot one thing we did. I got a tattoo.

[Alex]

Oh, yeah, you did. In remembrance of Leo. Why are you taking off your shoe for it?

[John]

Because this is my wreck. Oh, CVs. And the reason why this is my wreck. I have like six different pairs of these. They hands down to the most comfortable shoes from first wear. Feel like I get a lot of shoes and like my pinky toe goes numb or something. Most comfortable shoe also gives me a little height.

[Alex]

Do they?

[John]

Yeah. Look at the.

[Alex]

Wow.

[John]

Look at the like 2 inches.

[Alex]

I knew I was like looking up like a. Like a fourth of a centimeter.

[John]

I'm just a good stature of a man.

[Alex]

Right. And today's fun shirt, John Day.

[John]

Fun shirt, John Day. And cv. Cv, Shoe Day. So cvs S E A V E E S really good shoes.

[Alex]

Not sponsored. My wreck is paradise on Hulu. I don't know if we talked about that.

[John]

So good.

[Alex]

Maybe we did last episode. I don't remember remember. I like can't remember. I feel.

[John]

I don't think I just been telling everyone to watch it.

[Alex]

I know. It's so good and it kind of spooked me. I feel like. I don't know if that it was marketed really. I didn't see much on it until someone else told me. They were like, you should watch a show. Unless we're.

[John]

No, our friends. Durafest. They promoted it.

[Alex]

Did they?

[John]

Yeah, they went to the premiere or something of it. Is it on Hulu or.

[Alex]

Yeah, it's Hulu. So good.

[John]

So good.

[Alex]

We won't.

[John]

We won't ruin it. But it's like post apocalyptic kind of.

[Alex]

Kind of? Yeah, yeah. Just another one of those shows, you know.

[John]

Why'd you say like that?

[Alex]

Like a post apocalyptic show. Just another one side note.

[John]

We haven't watched 28 years later. I really wanted to see that. Apparently the only big thing from this movie is there's some zombie with a horse Cock. And he's chasing people around, so I know Alex wants to see that.

[Alex]

John, they hired you for the movie.

[John]

Did we talk about Sinners on the podcast?

[Alex]

No. We should. Next time.

[John]

No, no, I just. Real quick.

[Alex]

We don't have time.

[John]

Yes, we got plenty time. Alex wanted to see this movie, Sinners so Bad with Michael B. Jordan.

[Alex]

I'm like, well, I heard great reviews.

[John]

And I was like, is that all you heard?

[Alex]

Well, no, I just didn't hear much.

[John]

About it other than don't kill the punchline.

[Alex]

Then that it was good. So I was like, okay, let's. Let's go see Basket.

[John]

Kept asking. Keb asking, kept asking. I'm like, okay, let's go. We go see it. I never watched the first two minutes. Opening scene. There's like a jump scare or something. She looks at me, if you guys are watching this, this was her. She goes, did you know this wasn't a comedy? She thought we were going to a comedy movie. I'm like, it's called Sinners. There's Redneck Zombies.

[Alex]

Dude.

[John]

It.

[Alex]

I was not expecting the jump. Like, it scared me. So I hate scary movies. I covered my eyes. I'm like, why the. What the movie is this? What the fuck are we watching? And John's like, this is a scary movie.

[John]

And, like, I'm not saying. I'm not saying it was a bad movie, but just in general, Alex is like, oh, and like, seven with movies.

[Alex]

No, I mean, I still enjoyed it, but it. It threw me one.

[John]

Just.

[Alex]

They were, like, choosing movies for, like, a spoiler alert. It threw. So if you haven't seen. Really threw me for a loop. When they were vampires, I was like, what in the Twilight is going on? No clue. I was so lost. But, like, it was great.

[John]

Where's Taylor Lautner? It was great. Where's Taylor Lautner when you need him in the werewolf?

[Alex]

And it wasn't as scary, like, once they were vampires. I was like, now it's a comedy.

[John]

Oh, my.

[Alex]

So it really. It was a comedy, Honestly.

[John]

Well, that's all we have for you. Did you already give your wreck? Yeah, yeah. Paradise.

[Alex]

Paradise. All right.

[John]

That is all we have for you this week. Alex, plug us.

[Alex]

Do the right plug to our episode. You can read, you can email us at. Hello. Give it tome straight podcast dot com. You can follow us. I Give it to me straight podcast. Everywhere. Everywhere. My name is Alex. That's John. Wait, wait, wait.

[John]

Like, subscribe, email. That's the only thing I remember. I used to say.

[Alex]

I. I feel like, listen Hello.

[John]

Give it to me straight. You said that?

[Alex]

Yeah. And then if you want to ask us advice, you could click the link in our show notes, go on our website and on Instagram.

[John]

Are we gonna ask questions on Instagram?

[Alex]

Follow us there. Whatever.

[John]

Do better ever.

[Alex]

Okay?

[John]

And we'll see you next week. Ciao. Ciao.

[Alex]

Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.