59. Giving you modern marriages, prenups, and name changes

Summary

Podcast Summary: Give It To Me Straight – Episode 59: Modern Marriages, Prenups, and Name Changes

In Episode 59 of "Give It To Me Straight", hosts Alex and John delve into the evolving landscape of modern marriages, exploring topics such as prenups, name changes, and the dynamics of millennial relationships. Released on July 8, 2025, this episode offers unfiltered, honest conversations that reflect the complexities and shifting norms of contemporary partnerships.

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1. The Evolution of Millennial Marriages

Alex and John kick off the discussion by examining how millennial marriages differ from those of previous generations. They highlight the shift away from traditional gender roles and the increasing involvement of both partners in household and parenting duties.

• John notes, "[Millennial dads] are 40% more involved with their kids compared to boomer dads" (30:29).
• Alex adds, "There's not as many stereotypical gender roles as there were before, partly due to women pursuing careers and the current economic climate" (30:13).

This shift is attributed to economic pressures, such as higher living costs, requiring dual incomes and fostering a more balanced partnership.

2. Deciding Whether to Have Children

A significant portion of the episode addresses the personal and societal factors influencing the decision to have children. Alex shares her internal conflict about not wanting kids, challenging the notion that choosing not to procreate is inherently selfish.

• Alex states, "It goes against basic biology to not want to procreate. What is miswired in their brains that they don't want babies?" (20:24).
• John counters, "If it's overwhelming for you and you feel like it, it's not something you want, that's okay, right?" (22:07).

Their debate underscores the importance of personal choice and responsibility in the decision to bring a child into the world, emphasizing that the reasons for not having kids can be both selfless and pragmatic.

3. Legal Planning: Wills and Guardianship

The hosts discuss the sensitive topic of legal guardianship in the event of both parents' passing. Alex faces a dilemma in choosing a guardian for her daughter and contemplates how to communicate her decision to her sister.

• Alex asks, "How do I tell my sister the reason why she will not be the legal guardian in our will because we hate her very serious boyfriend?" (25:22).
• John advises, "I don't think that you have to tell your sister why she's not the legal guardian unless she was expecting it" (26:11).

They explore the nuances of legal preparations, suggesting that such decisions should be handled with discretion and based on the best interests of the child rather than personal grievances.

4. Changing Last Names After Marriage

Another focal point is the tradition of changing last names post-marriage. Alex grapples with the emotional and identity-related aspects of adopting a new surname, while John provides his perspective on the modern approach to this tradition.

• Alex shares, "Changing my last name makes me feel like I am not part of my family anymore and into a whole new person" (38:06).
• John responds, "Do whatever the fuck you want to do. Traditional stuff has changed" (39:34).

Through their conversation, they highlight that name changes are a personal choice and should reflect the couple's mutual agreement rather than societal expectations.

5. Navigating Friendships After Parenthood

Alex and John address the challenges of maintaining and forming friendships after having a child. They discuss how parental responsibilities can alter social dynamics and the effort required to cultivate new relationships.

• Alex remarks, "With a baby, how do we go about making new friends that also have kids or at least better friends that still want to hang out with us with a kid" (46:32).
• John adds, "When you're older, you need to be fluid with friendships, and that's so true" (48:45).

They emphasize the importance of adaptability and proactive efforts in building a supportive social circle that accommodates the new family structure.

6. The Role of Prenups in Modern Relationships

The episode delves into the topic of prenups, exploring their perceived implications on trust and commitment within a marriage. Alex expresses discomfort with prenups, feeling they imply a lack of faith in the relationship's longevity.

• Alex confesses, "A prenup makes me feel like he's planning for the end of what hasn't even happened yet" (61:39).
• John counters, "The more separation you have, the easier it is to separate. Prenups can bridge that gap if managed correctly" (65:20).

They discuss the practicality of prenups as tools for protecting individual assets and ensuring clear agreements, rather than signs of impending divorce.

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Notable Quotes

• On Millennial Dads' Involvement:
  John: "Dad are 40% more involved with their kids." [30:29]

• On Choosing Not to Have Kids:
  John: "If it's overwhelming for you and you feel like it, it's not something you want, that's okay, right?" [22:07]

• On Legal Guardianship Decisions:
  Alex: "How do I tell my sister the reason why she will not be the legal guardian?" [25:22]

• On Changing Last Names:
  Alex: "Changing my last name makes me feel like I am not part of my family anymore." [38:06]
  John: "Do whatever the fuck you want to do." [39:34]

• On Navigating Friendships Post-Parenthood:
  John: "When you're older, you need to be fluid with friendships." [48:45]

• On Prenups:
  Alex: "A prenup makes me feel like he's planning for the end of what hasn't even happened yet." [61:39]
  John: "The more separation you have, the easier it is to separate." [65:20]

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Conclusion

Episode 59 of "Give It To Me Straight" provides a candid exploration of the modern challenges and decisions faced by millennial couples. Through their open dialogue, Alex and John offer insights into balancing personal identities, legal responsibilities, and evolving societal norms within marriage. The episode underscores the importance of communication, mutual understanding, and flexibility in navigating the complexities of contemporary relationships.

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Timestamps

• [20:13] – Introduction to Millennial Marriages
• [22:07] – Discussing Selfishness in Not Having Kids
• [25:22] – Legal Guardianship Dilemma
• [38:06] – Emotional Impact of Changing Last Names
• [46:32] – Friendship After Parenthood
• [61:39] – Concerns About Prenups
• [65:20] – John’s Perspective on Prenups

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Note: This summary intentionally omits non-content sections such as advertisements, intros, and outros to focus solely on the substantive discussions between the hosts.

Transcript

[Alex]

The following podcast is a Dear Media production.

[John]

Looking into the sun. I heard it's good. It's good.

[Alex]

Did you see that on the Internet? Like in a TikTok. You can't believe every.

[John]

It's all. It's like sunning your asshole.

[Alex]

When you were a kid, were you not told to not look at the sun because it's not good?

[John]

Maybe don't look right at the sun, but like looking up.

[Alex]

Okay, but this is. You ask my mom.

[John]

Take your I've always had bad eyes and welcome back to Give it to me Straight.

[Alex]

I'm Alex.

[John]

And I'm John. And we're your gracious, gracious gracious host.

[Alex]

What a day.

[John]

What a day is right? It is 3:50 and we're just starting.

[Alex]

Listen, sometimes we just gotta beat each other up a little bit.

[John]

Yesterday we were like kidding.

[Alex]

I do not condone domestic violence.

[John]

Yes. God, my tooth. My gums. It's like cold air just shooting in the inside of my tooth. Anyways, you have receding.

[Alex]

A receding gum.

[John]

I do have receding gum.

[Alex]

At least you don't have a receding hairline.

[John]

That's true.

[Alex]

But if you did, I would still love you. But it's just. Which would you rather? Would you rather have receding gums or receding?

[John]

Wow, that's a good, good one.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[John]

Cuz gums, like I'm the only one that could really see because it's on.

[Alex]

The side, but it hurts and then you need to get.

[John]

But beauty is pain. Right.

[Alex]

Well, so for what, like hair plugs?

[John]

Right.

[Alex]

So which would you rather?

[John]

I'm. I'm thinking about it. I don't. I don't know. What would you do?

[Alex]

I mean, I'm already bald, you know.

[John]

I'll just stick with my receding gums because I like my hair.

[Alex]

Yeah. And. And again, I guess like if you're really vain.

[John]

Yeah.

[Alex]

It's like people would notice if you did something about your receding hairline. Yeah. Sort of like deal with the pain of your teeth because you could still, either way you could get it fixed.

[John]

You get veneers.

[Alex]

Yeah. No. Well, you don't need veneers for whatever.

[John]

I always just think if I like lose my teeth, I'm like, fuck it, I'll just get veneers. Or I'll just be like my grandfather Popsy and he's just gums. No teeth. Used to crack pistachio nuts with his gums. That's how strong his gums were.

[Alex]

That makes me want to cringe inside. That's Disgusting.

[John]

Watching him eat peanut butter was the fucking funniest thing ever.

[Alex]

Is that why you have problems though? Because you don't like seeing people spit?

[John]

Well, like maybe. No, mine's from working at the skilled nursing facility.

[Alex]

Like, because when I take out my retainer, you get grossed out.

[John]

Yeah, I don't know. Poop doesn't bother me at all. Anything oral care related. I want to throw up. I don't know why. Especially like after they eat or they're cleaning the dentures or something. I'm like, yo, can you. Can we. Is there a better way of doing this besides you pulling it out of your mouth and cleaning it and getting all over the floor and shit.

[Alex]

At least you'll be really good at changing diapers. You have a lot of experience.

[John]

Oh, no problem. I'll. I'll flip her back and forth with ease. Compared to patience where I'm like, I need assistance.

[Alex]

Yeah, well, happy birthday, Kobe. His birthday was a few days ago. He turned 11.

[John]

Oh, our special, special boy. Yeah, we made him a cake on my cooking journey.

[Alex]

And we had. So John made him like a dog friendly birthday cake. Which I thought that you were going to make it so that we could all enjoy it.

[John]

You could, you could eat everything up to the sprinkled dog treat on top.

[Alex]

Like the combo of oats, bananas, blueberries and cream cheese. Not cream cheese frosting, just cream cheese and dog treats. Cream cheese did not sound appetizing to me. Also the whipped cream cheese. I asked, I was like, did you get any dog treats in that? Like should I put it back in the fridge? You go, no, no, it's good. I opened it up yesterday. Dog treats all in it. I'm like, John, I would ate it. I know, I threw it out.

[John]

Why you waste food? That's my one thing pet peeve. Wasting food. I will like morning when I made us breakfast, I put a smorgasbord of stuff together.

[Alex]

I don't waste food. I made banana bread with the extra bananas and I hate bananas. But the banana bread was trash. Was delicious.

[John]

I hate banana bread.

[Alex]

Why do you hate. Do you like bananas themselves?

[John]

Not really. I'll eat them. Oh, I'll eat them like in a smoothie. But I didn't know. Fun fact, John. There's a difference between eating a banana regular. Like whole verse, like smoothie, like blending it. The sugar intakes different. Just a fun fact.

[Alex]

You're saying it changes its properties.

[John]

Sure.

[Alex]

Nutritional value.

[John]

Like it's worse for you blending up a banana.

[Alex]

I don't like bananas anyways. Raw it in cheesecake. I like it in banana bread. What are we talking about?

[John]

I actually want to go way back to the way back. Well, how long are we doing this? Five minutes. I want to go back to the very beginning. Okay. Yes. We just started our day at 3:50 yesterday. Alex and I sitting on the couch ago. All right, let's wake up at 6:00am let's start our day, work out early, shoot the podcast. Let's do it.

[Alex]

We were like, we'll get the podcast over in the morning. We'll shoot our content. We'll have a really cluster productive day. You know why? Because I'm in the third trimester now. I woke up like 18 times last.

[John]

Night and that's why we got in a fight.

[Alex]

Is that why you also, for some reason just can't sleep? Like.

[John]

Well, in general, I'm used to it. What annoys me, you didn't sleep cranky, Alex.

[Alex]

I wasn't. Listen, I wasn't cranky. You were cranky at the start of the day because. Why? You poured bleach on your shirt.

[John]

I did. I did. It was. I could tell that I'm grinding my teeth right now. I got like five bean coffee at 7:11. I'm like, like tweaking out. Like I just did a line of coke.

[Alex]

As long as you're in a good mood.

[John]

I'm not. Anyways, so our day today, we're just starting.

[Alex]

Well, we. We did things, but we had a few arguments along the way.

[John]

Yeah. To be separated.

[Alex]

I was like, you know what? Fine. I'll do the admin work, I'll answer emails. I'll take these meetings while you can. Go fuck yourself.

[John]

I was like, I'll do the laundry, I'll go to the grocery store and I'll go to the liquor store.

[Alex]

It was still productive. We just didn't do the things that we planned to do.

[John]

Right.

[Alex]

And we woke up an hour and a half later than we planned.

[John]

Yeah, it was like 8 o'. Clock. I'm like, oh, and also I had to sleep on the couch because Alex is snoring.

[Alex]

I don't think I snore.

[John]

I think it's just. I'm, you know, I get it. You're in your third trimester, but your snoring is getting worse with the further along you go.

[Alex]

I have extra weight. Just like compressing in your neck and I'm. My neck.

[John]

Like you're laying down.

[Alex]

I can't believe that you don't snore because you have no neck.

[John]

What did my Doctor say, don't gain any weight. Yeah, you have your. The length of my neck is too short.

[Alex]

The circumference of your neck is too thick.

[John]

She's like, if you gain any weight, you're gonna have. You're gonna have breathing like a bulldog.

[Alex]

That's you.

[John]

All right, let's start this podcast.

[Alex]

Wait. I want to talk about some things, something that you said, which I wanted to get other people's take on this past week. Also, the other day, I think we were in the pool, you take your sunglasses, and you're, like, squinting at the sun, and you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's good to tan your eyeballs.

[John]

Yeah. Not tan your eyeballs. Looking into the sun. I heard it's good. It's good.

[Alex]

Did you see that on the Internet? Like, in a TikTok, you can't believe everything.

[John]

It's like sunning your asshole.

[Alex]

When you were a kid, were you not told to not look at the sun because it's not good?

[John]

Maybe don't look right at the sun, but, like, looking up, getting sunlight into your eyes.

[Alex]

I think you just being outside is good enough.

[John]

Go to the con in the comments. Somebody tell me, because I'm pretty sure I heard sunlight is good going into your eyeballs, not looking directly into the sun.

[Alex]

But this is you at the sun.

[John]

Ask my mom.

[Alex]

Take your.

[John]

I've always had bad eyes. Always. It's not because I have bug eyes, like you always say.

[Alex]

Yeah, but you're not. I. Your eyes are not bad. Maybe your eyes are bad because you look at the sun.

[John]

I don't always look at it. I'm not looking at the sun all the time. I'm looking just in the sky. But even, like. Even if it's cloudy out, I. I can't. Yeah, you need sunglasses all the time, baby.

[Alex]

Bug eyes. Like, you have a really hard time being outside without sunglasses on. So that's why I found it weird the other day when you were forcing yourself to look directly into the.

[John]

Maybe if I keep looking, it'll be better.

[Alex]

I don't think so. I think it's just gonna make it worse.

[John]

Okay, cool. So I look into the sun, and you jump onto the fucking pool float belly first and. And scare the out of our kid.

[Alex]

That was a mistake. I should not have done that. I.

[John]

And now we have a special float.

[Alex]

Well, I got a hole because I was like, I obviously cannot lay on my stomach, and I'm like, how does one relax or, you know, tan their back? Like, if I just want to, like, Relax on my stomach and, like, read a book by the pool or whatever. You have to make the hole. So also, I bought a raft. I'll. I'll let you know.

[John]

What is the difference between your raft and the basic donut?

[Alex]

Well, because there's a whole support my, like, upper body. You know what I mean?

[John]

There's just, like, a product out there.

[Alex]

Yeah. Raft with a hole in it. I bought it. I'll share it on my stories. If it's good, maybe I'll give it as a wreck next week if I like it.

[John]

If you, like. You haven't used it yet.

[Alex]

Yeah, no. I think some people have bought it for, like, their beds. Because I was reading the reviews, and they're like, only good in the pool. I'm like, well, where the else would.

[John]

You use this but in your yard?

[Alex]

Yeah, Like, I guess people use it as, like, a, you know, lounge chair. Mattress device.

[John]

Mattress device.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[John]

Like, I'm excited for my wreck this week. I hope you don't take it. I hope we don't have the same one.

[Alex]

We probably. I feel like we might have the same wreck, but who knows?

[John]

Oh, okay.

[Alex]

Who knows?

[John]

Who knows?

[Alex]

It could be different.

[John]

That means it's doubly worth it to get it done.

[Alex]

Do we have the same wreck?

[John]

We'll talk about later.

[Alex]

Yeah, we'll talk about it later. Another odd thing that I feel like you did this week. Well, you do a lot of odd things throughout the week, but something that I was like, this is such a John ism. We've had these gift cards in our drawer, and you were so you just wanted to clear out the clutter, so you went on a mission to spend all the money on all the gift cards. Guys.

[John]

What? I feel like we're doing icks at the moment.

[Alex]

It's not. I'm just telling people the weird things that you do.

[John]

Just know what? I don't like that you do. Alex, you just leave everywhere the bag of trash bags that you got from Amazon. The little, little can. Trash bags. Are you gonna. I just see us both moving it around the table, the island. Take them, put them somewhere.

[Alex]

Why can't you put them somewhere?

[John]

Just like the bleach. The bleach. White's been on the chair, the stairs for three days.

[Alex]

You' one who. You put those there.

[John]

I know, but.

[Alex]

So why would I move them?

[John]

I mean, you're the one who uses the gym mostly. You could have. I'm surprised you didn't use it to clean the equipment.

[Alex]

I do.

[John]

Oh, you did. But you still left it on the stairs.

[Alex]

I did not put the bleach wipes on the stairs. And they're also not bleach wipes because I don't want to bleach the gym. They're just like.

[John]

I'm not confused.

[Alex]

Those. No, those. The wipes that you have. Those aren't bleach wipes. My God, you're so annoying. Also, like, you're the one who asked me to buy those bags, so I'm like, why would I?

[John]

Because I know you won't me it right now.

[Alex]

It just sounds like you're giving me more chores to do and then getting mad that I'm not doing your chores. Okay, that's not happening. But anyway, so you spend all the money on this.

[John]

She also leaves her. Her plate on the table. You know, I'm cleaning up a lot after you lately. I get that you're pregnant. I understand. But I'm cleaning up a lot after you. A plate. Breakfast plate on the table. Or your eggs in the castaway was a caraway. Caraway pan.

[Alex]

What do you. I literally. John, the issue with you is you don't give me a chance. The second I finish taking my last bite, clean it. You take it from me. I'm still sitting there. I'm still chilling. I'm in no rush for anything really in life. But John is always just wants to finish the tasks at hand. Like. And I'm not asking you to clean up my plate. I'm still enjoying my time just sitting down, so. And then you get annoyed.

[John]

So you're so used to me doing that for you that when I don't. You still. You leave it there.

[Alex]

No. When have I ever left a plate behind?

[John]

I know you don't. You don't recognize.

[Alex]

I've never left.

[John]

You don't realize it.

[Alex]

John, I'm being honest right now. I've never.

[John]

Oh, my.

[Alex]

I think, like, are you just doing this for the bit?

[John]

No, no. A little bit, but. But you do. Like a little bit. But you do leave.

[Alex]

There's the exaggerated.

[John]

You leave the caraway on the stove. I'm like, is she going to clean it? And then I just take it. I clean it.

[Alex]

That is so false.

[John]

How much time should I leave for you to be able to pick it up and clean it?

[Alex]

You want me to do it the second. That is scalding hot. If you've ever read the directions of a caraway, you have to let it cool down.

[John]

Have I look at it. You destroyed it with eggs. It's taking. It's Taking the paint or whatever's on the side of the caraway. It's gone because of the age.

[Alex]

Are you just annoyed that I'm talking about how you're spending your gift cards?

[John]

No, I'm just proving a point that you have problems too, Alex.

[Alex]

Because I'm not saying that this is a problem of you spending all the gift cards all at once. I'm just saying that this is just part of your interesting behavior. And then you're dogging me on things that I don't even do. You know what? Next time, John, you grow our child, okay? And then we have this.

[John]

If I could, I would.

[Alex]

That's a fucking lie. That is a fucking face, full face lie.

[John]

We'll never know.

[Alex]

We do know, because I'm pretty sure I asked you on another platform and you said absolutely not.

[John]

Sponsored by lacroix. Alex, go tell me. I want to clean. I wanted to use the gift cards because you'll just leave stuff. That's what I was getting at. You just leave stuff. You know, just leave stuff around.

[Alex]

Don't you use gift cards? Forever ago, but don't you use them like, as you need them? Like, you're like, oh, I'm. I'm going to Popeyes today. Let me use this gift card.

[John]

When have you ever gone to Popeyes?

[Alex]

Never. So.

[John]

So I'm going to use it. I drove all the way to get Popeyes.

[Alex]

Popeyes guys has the best chicken sandwiches. Hands down.

[John]

That should be the wreck.

[Alex]

I know.

[John]

I'll. I'll die on that hill. They had the best chicken sandwiches, and.

[Alex]

I didn't realize that until they gave them away at one wedding. At the end of the night, it was like a midnight snack.

[John]

Yeah. In Jersey.

[Alex]

Yeah. And I was like, oh, you know, Chick Fil a has great sandwiches. I don't know, McDonald's, whatever. But, like, I had a bite of this Popeye sandwich.

[John]

Not beat a Popeye sandwich. Oh, my God.

[Alex]

Changed my life.

[John]

So I took the gift card. I went all the way to this Popeyes. Not even close. Also, I didn't know how much we had on there, but I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna make it worth it because we'll probably never drive all the way out here again. I got like $90 worth of Popeyes and there was a $20 gift card.

[Alex]

You're like, oh, my God, we're saving so much money. I'm going out of my way.

[John]

12 chicken tenders. I got three sandwiches, and then I got wings fries. I think that's it. No, I think I got something else too.

[Alex]

Chicken tendies wings sandwiches. I don't know. It was a lot, but I just thought it was interesting that, like, you had to. You were on a mission to spend all the gift cards, all the money on the gift cards, and you did it.

[John]

I did.

[Alex]

Now we have no gift cards left.

[John]

I even bought something from Apple. It was a 15 gift card. And I got this little keychain for 14.50. Bargain chopper. Love, Dr. John. Fun fact John. Bargain Shopper John.

[Alex]

Anything else from this week? Oh, you know what actually emotionally wrecked me from this week? An artist wrote a song for us about our loss slash pregnancy announcement. I have to. I have to shout her out. Let me look for her name, okay? On Instagram. Her name is Hannyco Music. Her name is Hannah. And I'm probably gonna pronounce this wrong. Hannah Nicolaisen. Beautiful. I literally we. You. You sent it to me. We got tagged.

[John]

It's a very nice song. Very nice song. Sad.

[Alex]

Can't even talk about it. He sends it in our group chat with our team, and he goes, I'm not crying. You're crying. And I'm like, what is this? I click on it. I think I sobbed for 45 minutes straight. I had that song on repeat.

[John]

So you kept listening to it. I was like, done.

[Alex]

It was so special. So she stitched our pregnancy announcement and was like, I wrote this song for Alex and John, yada, yada, yada. And it was just the most beautiful thing that I've ever heard. And it. It wrecked me in the best way possible. But if you guys want to check her out, she's amazing, talented.

[John]

You want to cry with us? Yeah.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[John]

It was a very nice song. Lovely.

[Alex]

No, it was so beautiful and so thoughtful. So thank you to Hannah for that.

[John]

Was really cool. She did that.

[Alex]

Would love to include it in a movie one day.

[John]

Anyways, I don't want to go on an IG train, but I do need it.

[Alex]

Oh, my God.

[John]

I need to bring something up.

[Alex]

Did no one teach you to not bring up your ex about your wife to your wife who's. Who's with child?

[John]

It's almost like I want to bring it to your attention, perhaps.

[Alex]

No.

[John]

When we have people over, we make a charcuterie board.

[Alex]

I make.

[John]

I help making this charcuterie board. Okay. I do help. I cut the meats. Just because I don't place it all nice on the coochie board doesn't mean I don't deserve any credit. Okay. Because sometimes I help John and When people come over and they're like, alex, this is such a nice coochie board.

[Alex]

And I'm like, john, how often. What percentage would you say you assist with the coochie board?

[John]

Every time you maybe believe that sometimes it's 2%, sometimes I'm just taste tester, sometimes it's 35%.

[Alex]

I would say on average if I make 10 coochie boards, John maybe helps with one.

[John]

If there's a train going 20 miles.

[Alex]

An hour, that's not a hard.

[John]

How long does it take for the train?

[Alex]

I think people can.

[John]

Fucking irrelevant.

[Alex]

No. So why is this hurt?

[John]

Why does this hurt your feelings saying I help out? I deserve some coochie board appreciation.

[Alex]

I give you credit where credit is due. Go grill on the Blackstone. Go do your thing. You could go make cocktails. But I am not giving you credit for the coochie board. When you sliced one cucumber in half.

[John]

How dare you?

[Alex]

I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. Anyway, let's just move on because I'm going to fudge you up. Why are you. This is like the most petty shit that you're just bringing to the table just to fight. Like, I know that you got no sleep last night, but neither did I, and I'm going to choke you.

[John]

Alex and John's Coochie Board Chronicles. Alex. John Coochie's board company Coming soon to a place near you.

[Alex]

No, it's just going to be the.

[John]

All right, question number one, Alex, is coochie coming near you? Oh, I actually do have a question. We're all over the place. I do have a question. I'm seeing a lot of. Do people prefer buttoned baby outfits or zipper clothing? Baby outfits. There's like a huge war. No, I'm. I'm seeing like. Well, if you do zipper all the way up, baby shits and it's like gets everywhere or like they. Sometimes the zipper gets stuck in their skin.

[Alex]

Why would the button be better for blowouts?

[John]

Oh, because you don't take the whole thing off. Like, maybe you just unbutton the bottom part. You can keep the top part up. I think I saw that as a comment. So some. They're torn. So I want to know which one's better. Prepare us.

[Alex]

I would assume during a blowout you just want a whole outfit change.

[John]

No, I mean, depends. Did it shoot up their back?

[Alex]

I don't know. I guess this is just one of those things that we might learn and have our own preference for.

[John]

Okay, all right. Now I'm ready. What is the topic today?

[Alex]

Well, I guess it's kind of a vague topic. It's on millennial marriages and just how they've evolved over time. Like marriages in general. How people are either getting married, they're choosing not to have kids, or they're getting a prenup or they're not changing last names. Like there's a whole category of things that are different. I feel like in millennial marriages, I feel like we're a little bit of trendsetters.

[John]

You know, you and I are.

[Alex]

No, just millennial marriages in general, or.

[John]

Lack thereof technically, isn't like Gen Z at marriage age also. No holds Gen Z. I guess the.

[Alex]

Older gen zers are. Yeah, because they're in their 20s. We know a lot of Gen Z pop culture.

[John]

I just saw that Gen Z's are buying homes together. Like siblings are buying homes together because they can't afford a house. I'm like, that's kind of smart.

[Alex]

I've seen millennials do the same thing.

[John]

We are trendsetters then.

[Alex]

Okay, so I will move on to these questions about all things related to whatever. Okay, this may be an unpopular opinion, but I think it's super weird when people don't want to have kids because of selfish reasons. It goes against basic biolog to not want to procreate. And it's very scary and gives me bad vibes about someone. If they don't want kids, what is miswired in their brains that they don't want babies?

[John]

It's very fudgeing. Biased of you.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[John]

Are you. Are you a goddamn chemist?

[Alex]

What's scary in this conversation is you that you can't see that maybe there's a lot of reasons why people would not want children, but let's go back to the selfish reasons of it all. What is selfish about choosing to not want a baby? Because I would argue the latter as a pregnant individual myself and say, if anything, it's more selfish to bring a child into this world.

[John]

This conversation is like, everyone is so beaten into the ground, like, oh, it's selfish because you want someone to take care of you when you're older, or you want your bloodline to continue, or your lineage, like it's everything is. Sounds like that I hear on that end is selfish because you're talking about how is it benefiting you.

[Alex]

Right.

[John]

You know, and then the other flip side, you're not contributing to society, like having a kid.

[Alex]

Or there's so many reasons currently, again, that you might think are selfish reasons, whether that Someone just wants their free time. They don't have the mental capacity, you know, it's extremely acceptable, expensive to raise someone else in this world. They're not set like the world.

[John]

Sure you're not.

[Alex]

The US Is not set up to support families as it is. So if anything, what like, you would be burdening other people? Like, I just think that there's more reasons, there's more selfless reasons to not have a kid, if anything.

[John]

I agree. I think everyone's just so, like, you need to have kids. But not really thinking through the ins and outs of having a kid, how expensive it is. Your meant the mental toll, the emotional told, the time, you know, the amount of time it takes to raise a kid. It just seems so overwhelming. And if. If it is overwhelming for you and you feel like it, it's not something you want, that's okay, right? You need to have kid. You don't have to have kids. Like, don't force that on people.

[Alex]

Yeah. And again, I don't think anything is miswired in their brain. I think it's a very responsible thought to choose wisely about having children and bringing someone into this world with. Without. I think it's without their consent.

[John]

The one with the question is, would you just say miswired?

[Alex]

What is miswired in their brain? That they don't want babies?

[John]

It seems miswired that she would even say that.

[Alex]

Could be a guy running into.

[John]

Or him. Guy or girl. He's like, you can't. You don't know anyone else's life. And you start like, you just assume that you're. What you're saying is right. Like, oh, no, this is. This is 100%. I'm like, teach his own. I just think how this person wrote the question. I'm just like, shut up.

[Alex]

I mean, it goes against basic biology.

[John]

Okay, so if it does what this.

[Alex]

Person writes, we're gonna have robots taking.

[John]

Over here in like 5 years anyway. 5 years anyways.

[Alex]

When it comes like the population or like the biology, biology statement of it all, it's like we've been. It's been hammered into our brains since kids, that the world is overpopulated. It's like we're not replacing ourselves anymore. They're saying that, you know, we need more babies to replace ourselves. And it's like, since when? I thought overpopulation was always an issue. Why are we.

[John]

Because they're talking like, per country.

[Alex]

I think there's a lot of reasons that are valid why someone might not want to bring a child into this world. And I don't think that is miswired. I think that is responsible of them.

[John]

Even if it is miswired, it's none of your business, so move on. You have, you know, what if they don't have a kid? Have another kid. So it equals out them, Right? You have every single person you see that doesn't want a kid and says they don't want a kid. You have another baby then.

[Alex]

Correct. Okay, moving on. My husband and I are currently working on our will and trying to navigate who will have responsibility for our daughter in the unfortunate event that we both pass. How do I tell my sister? The reason why she will not be the legal guardian in our will is because we hate her very serious boyfriend she is dating.

[John]

Is it just the one? Does she only have one sister? Does she have anybody else?

[Alex]

Yeah, no, I guess she only has one. Or maybe she has another sibling who she's choosing.

[John]

But will your kids, your parents, and then when they pass away, then will figure, wait till then, like, just will have it. Will to your parents at this point.

[Alex]

Then I don't know. But what if their parents are older?

[John]

Well, when the parents go, then you can rewrite the will.

[Alex]

I don't think that you have to tell your sister why she's not the legal guardian unless she was expecting it. Because for us, I have a few siblings. You have one sibling. If we choose one person, either your sister or my brother or my sister, I don't feel the need to tell the other siblings why they weren't chosen. You know, Although you have your own reasons why. Do you feel like you need to tell her?

[John]

Can I just, like, will our kid to, like, Leonardo DiCaprio or somebody?

[Alex]

You probably need their consent.

[John]

I'm gonna be like Jeff Bezos or somebody.

[Alex]

No, whoever's a billionaire, you probably need that person's consent. Also. I don't love either of the two options that you chose, so the two.

[John]

That came to my head. Isn't it all? I guess Will's different. I'm gonna dive in a little bit, though. Godparents, for example. I just think all that stuff is so your religion. I get that. But is it real? You know, like. Like having godparents and having them sign stuff, I just. Yeah, Will is different than that.

[Alex]

You're a practicing Catholic and Catholicism is your religion, then. Yes, I think that if you want your children raised in the church. But like, for us, we had godparents and it was more of like a formality. But like, my mom converted to Christianity and so My godparents I never ended up, like, really seeing growing up. I just think it's that. But, like, a will is if something happens. I don't know. I don't think godparents are the same as that.

[John]

No, that's what I'm saying. It's a little different, but I'm, like, teetering on that line of. So you think you're, like, painting responsibility of your kid off to somebody else? Side note, that's just a huge fucking ask.

[Alex]

Okay. But just in the event that you and I go and we're, you know, on a flight, it goes down. Who are we leaving our daughter with? You didn't make a will.

[John]

I would still just will will her to my parents or your parents. I just wouldn't want to give it to, like a sibling. They have their own lives to live in their future. Our parents are. They're tired.

[Alex]

This is what's great about this podcast is it brings to light conversations that John and I have to have on a deeper level, because we're not going.

[John]

To do what I want to do anyway, so it doesn't matter. Like, I'm just throwing my opinion out. I'm sure we're going to.

[Alex]

Let's just get to the question. You don't have to bring your bias into it. I just think that even though that's all that we do with these questions, I just think you don't have to tell her the reasons why. And if she asks, be honest. Say, because your boyfriend is a twat.

[John]

I stir the pot.

[Alex]

Is a twat reserved for just, like. Is it, like, for either party? Like, for anyone? Can I call anyone?

[John]

I assume so.

[Alex]

Okay. I wasn't sure if I feel like that's the next calling someone a bitch.

[John]

Say, like. See, if you say hunt, that's really bad. Twats, like, surface level.

[Alex]

Oh, okay.

[John]

You're not digging pg. You're, like, only sticking the knife in. Just through, like, the subcutaneous skin, you know?

[Alex]

Okay.

[John]

Cunts to the wrist.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[John]

And that's why this podcast is explicit.

[Alex]

Yeah. I don't think that you have to tell your sister, honestly. But again, if she asked, you could just be honest.

[John]

Right. Again, we don't know the details. Who else is in the family that you can will your kid to?

[Alex]

So you could also use a friend. Anyway, next question.

[John]

Yeah.

[Alex]

How do you think marriage has evolved for millennials relative to previous generations, like our parents?

[John]

How has it evolved? How has it evolved? I think from a guy's perspective, I know guys are more involved with Their kids. At least from what I've seen. You know, there's more because how work has changed. A lot of remote work, both parents working from home. I think there's a lot more splitting of duties, I would say.

[Alex]

Yeah. Like, I don't think that there's as many stereotypical gender roles as there were. But, I mean, I think that also has a lot to do with the economy or just, again, women being educated, going to school, pursuing their careers. But like, homes used to cost three potatoes, and so you used to be able to live in home on one salary and the mom could stay at home, but it's like two people can't on average these days. So both parties have to work three potatoes. It's true. I mean, when you think about it, honestly, rightfully so.

[John]

I don't think one per. To have both parties involved. I think it helps out so much more too. I mean, we're. Less strain on your relationship anyways. That's not the question. It's just like, how has it evolved? I just think that's how it's evolved.

[Alex]

Right.

[John]

They said, like, dads are 40 more fun fact. John got this from Instagram. 40 more likely to be involved with their kids. Millennial dads versus are boomer dads.

[Alex]

Yeah. I mean, even just with the way that I grew up, like, we were in a position where we were lucky to have my mom stay home. But I know that that in turn created a lot of tension as well, just because there are those stereotypical, you.

[John]

Know, your mom also has gender roles, like life and goal. Like the amount of times your mom has brought up, like, her job she used to have back in the day.

[Alex]

Yeah. And I think it's hard for women who do step back, and again, this is not a generalization, but who step back, stay at home to watch the kids, to get back into their career. It's very difficult or. And some people just want to do that. But I think that on average today, both men and women are working, but both are more involved with their kids as well, which is, I think, a.

[John]

Good thing to see.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[John]

Aced it.

[Alex]

Next question. At what point did you guys change your mind about kids? I remember listening to your podcast before and you were still unsure. I'm in my mid-30s with a partner of five years and still don't feel the desire to have a kid, Only the fear that I'll want one when it's too late.

[John]

Off topic a little bit from her question. Don't you find it funny that we were like, category categorized as like, dinks. Like, we never wanted kids. Because we never said that.

[Alex]

No, we never said that.

[John]

We never said that once. And everyone that. Whatever. I don't want to give that chick credit.

[Alex]

No, no. The people hating on us for apparently.

[John]

Claiming, like, how dare you? Like, we never said we didn't want to.

[Alex]

The evidence of the videos that she used was all videos where we said, like, why when we don't have kid. Or like, we don't have kids yet. Like, it was all. It wasn't like your conversation, the reason.

[John]

Why we don't have kids. We never said anything like that.

[Alex]

Whatever. Anyways, that's not part of it. But I just think that for us, I. We were so.

[John]

Let's be full transparent on why we. The reason why.

[Alex]

I think for so long, though, because for not wanting kids, we were so career focused. I truly didn't want to be burdened with a child. I was like, it's a lot of fucking work. So we just knew that we wanted to get our lives and our career to a place where we felt comfortable. And then it, it did. And I think we still just had these aspirations. We were like, do we want a kid? Is it going to change our dynamic? Like, we really do love our lives as is. Why do we want to change it? And then why, John?

[John]

Well, going off of what you said, I just think we. For the industry we're in and the experiences we got to be involved in, it's a lot of it is, you know, we've been there, done that. I'm like, I feel like I did a lot of things I wanted to do. There's still some things, but for the most part, I did a lot of it. I'm like, I'm ready for the next step in life. The turning point for us is our friends in LA who are very successful and they're. They're just like us. They're very similar to us and that's why they ended up having a kid. And I was like, holy shit.

[Alex]

You can have it all.

[John]

You can have it all. And they were just so happy. I'm like, that's. That's what we knew. I always felt like we were missing.

[Alex]

Something, but for us, I also thought it was either one or the other. You were either really career focused or you were focused on growing your family. It wasn't. I didn't know that you could really balance it and seeing our close friends being able to do it, and I won't say so seamlessly because obviously bringing a baby into this world is A lot of work, but being able to navigate both and figure that out together.

[John]

Still have their identity. They're still having. They're doing everything they were doing beforehand.

[Alex]

That's what really brought up the conversation for us was like, oh, my God. Oh, shit. Is this something that we should consider? Because it wasn't anything we've ever considered before or we always thought down the road, down the road, down the road. But then I think, too naturally I started realizing that we were ready for it. And this is going to be, like, really hard to say. When we were, like, bored and we were like, it's just us. Do we.

[John]

I went to, like, we were doing everything we wanted to do and like, our jobs. We're at home, we're doing it, we're efficient. Everything we do. I'm like, what is.

[Alex]

We didn't have any FOMO of what we were missing out on on the other side. If anything, I was like, huh? What if, like, we.

[John]

What really matters together is what we were doing? I'm like, this is so shallow. It's superficial.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[John]

I'm like, I want more meaning in my life.

[Alex]

Not saying that if you don't have kids, you don't have meaning, though.

[John]

I'm talking about what we do for work.

[Alex]

Oh, right. That, like. Well, I think that's a larger question about what brings you fulfillment, because you can't look at your partner to bring you fulfillment. You can't look at your job and you can't even look at a kid to bring you fulfillment. You really have to find happiness and fulfillment within. But I think you also have to think about your future self and ask, what do you want your life to look like in the next five, 10, 15 years? And I think we were just like. We do envision a kid involved at some point.

[John]

So to answer your question, you'll. You'll have a turning point. I think it's like she's asking, like, when. Or him he. Or she was asking, like, when did you know? I think we knew, like, that something needed changes because there was a turning point.

[Alex]

We were talking about it every day.

[John]

We were talking about it. Okay.

[Alex]

So, yeah, because we knew that it wasn't for us, because we were. It wasn't even a thought. We weren't talking about it, but for us, we were like, the fact that this is all consuming every day, we're kind of spiraling. Like, do we? Don't we. We were like, it.

[John]

Let's just also, I don't know how old you are. I think age.

[Alex]

She said, mid-30s.

[John]

That plays a big factor too. I'm not talking about like the whole like, you know, for women, a certain age, high risk, all that. It's just more so, like the older you get from, for both parties, the more you're like, I'm like, well, if I do have a kid, like it needs to be now. I don't. And that was a big factor too. Like, I'm not going to wait any longer. I want to be young and youngish.

[Alex]

Everyone. Yeah. But I think that everyone has a different circumstance too. Like a lot of times it is finding the right partner. A lot of times you want to just be in a place career wise or, you know, you just want to be somewhere mentally better or you don't. You're like, fudge it. Like, everyone's scenarios or reasons for starting their family is so different. So it really is just whatever works for you. And I think you know in your gut though, deep down if it feels right or not, you know.

[John]

A good point though, like, having a good partner, you know, I think that makes conversations so much so, so different than like just the day to day. Are we good? It's more like I'm just in such a good place with this person with our lives. Like, do I want more with this person too?

[Alex]

And then some people too decide to start their own family without having a partner. And that's a decision that they make themselves. And you also just have to know, like, is that something that I want? Because that's an option as well. I just think there's so many different paths that you could go down. But you have to truly do the deep dive and just be like, is this something that I want? But don't feel rushed. Even in your mid-30s, you could still get pregnant. Down the road, if it does not feel the like it's the right time, then it's not the right time.

[John]

Right. But I agree.

[Alex]

Next question. What are your opinions on changing your last name once you get married? My husband and I have been together going on 11 years and married for two and a half. He has started to bring it up more about when I'm going to change my last name. He's not mad about it, but I could tell it does bother him a little. I'm having a hard time changing it. So since it feels like I will be completely changing who I am, the name I've had my whole life, it makes me feel like I am not part of my family anymore and into a whole new person. Am I thinking too much into this?

[John]

No. Because it's something you have. Like he's asking you to do. So. No, think about it. This is such a tough question. I know. We've answered. We've talked about this in the past, like, previous episodes, way back in the day. I'm biased. I mean, I wanted you to change your name, and that was such a norm. But then I say now, I don't give a. Yeah, your name is changed. Legally, you. But we're different now, I guess. Okay, so say we got divorced. I was marrying somebody else. I wouldn't get. I would not give a.

[Alex]

Right.

[John]

Not saying I. Even though, no, I won't get married again. But.

[Alex]

Oh, I thought you were gonna say.

[John]

It depends on what? Like, are you. For the guy? Why. Why do you want her to change her name so much? And also, they've been together. They're married. For him to bring it up now for two and a half years. They've been married, right?

[Alex]

Yeah, two and a half years.

[John]

I'd be like, shut up. Shut up. You can't tell me to do it now.

[Alex]

Again. It's just such. I think, again, when we got married, it was more of the norm. I don't think the conversation was really on the table of people not changing.

[John]

Is it not an ego thing? It's like an ego thing.

[Alex]

I think it's just a stereotypical, like, traditional thing. Just how a lot of fathers give away their daughters at ma, like, when they're getting married. But, like, now, some women are choosing to just walk down the aisle by themselves or just certain wedding traditions or marriage traditions that people, millennials or, you know, other generations as well, are just not doing anymore because times have changed.

[John]

Good. I love that. I love everyone doing. Do. Do whatever the fuck you want to do. You know, like, tradition. Come on.

[Alex]

I think, too, I. It is your identity. Like, if he wouldn't be willing to change his name for you, why do you have to do it? Yeah.

[John]

I mean, such a valid point.

[Alex]

It's just like, turn it around on him. But I don't. I don't think you're thinking about it too much. Like, your partner is annoyed with it. I think you just have to have a conversation with him.

[John]

You should think deep about it because it's. It's. Again, you're. It's something you have to do. So do you want to do it or do you not want to do it? Like, don't. Don't think lightly on it.

[Alex]

I think it's also one of those things that's a personal decision. If you Want to have the same last name as your partner. Valid. I get that. Because any. I mean, like, I wonder if I didn't change my last name when we got married, and I loved my last name too, but currently, now having a child, would I feel more inclined to change my last name or would we just do, like, a hyphenated situation for our daughter?

[John]

Oh, so you're saying. So say your. Your original last name made a name my. And we're having a kid. What would you want to do? You're saying you would want to do.

[Alex]

Like, yeah, like, I don't know.

[John]

I'm saying your last name.

[Alex]

I don't know how I would feel because I would want her. Because it kind of unifies you in a. In a weird sense, but it doesn't have to. Again, like, you're married on paper. It's like, you don't need your last names to match.

[John]

I just wouldn't want to give her two last names because it's just my name is so long, my first name into my last name. I would hate to have to make her write all that out for the.

[Alex]

Rest of her life, but it might make it E. So I'm saying if I didn't change my last name and let's say, like, have the daughter and I'm like, she's taking my last name. Would it be more of a bitch if she's, like, in school and I'm like, her dad is picking her up and then your last name doesn't match? You know, like, what it would.

[John]

Okay, legally, what is. Say two people have a kid out of wedlock and they're different. When you have a. When you have a baby, what last name does the baby take? Or do you let them know?

[Alex]

I guess it's whoever used decide.

[John]

Interesting.

[Alex]

But, yeah, I guess that would be annoying.

[John]

All I know, it's a bitch to.

[Alex]

Change your last name to go back and forth. I mean, I started the process when.

[John]

We got married, started it and fully finished it like, a year ago.

[Alex]

We just got an email earlier this morning and about, like, planning a trip, and someone was like, using my maiden name, and I'm like, no, now it's my married name. Finally home, almost six years later. But it does. It's. It's a. But I don't know. I think someone maybe weigh in who has kids in the comment section because I'd be very interested to see if you have different last names. Is it annoying with children or is it not? Who knows? But I did change my last name. Would I change it if we got married tonight, today, probably not.

[John]

No.

[Alex]

Yeah. But again, you know, you have to do what you want to do, and it's a conversation with. With your partner. Flip it around. Love that. Next question. How do I know if I will be happy with my decision not to have kids? I feel so sure that I don't want them. But I'm also very aware that I'm only 26. And everyone tells me that one day my feelings will change. I'm very happy with the idea of living my life as it is now and just being a fun auntie. But there's still some doubt in my head that maybe my mind will change one day and then it will be too late. I'm finding it hard to know my own feelings and what is just pressure from others telling me that I will change my mind. I'm a strong believer that if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no on the kids topic. But how do I know for sure if I'm happy not having kids?

[John]

You're 26. You got plenty of time. Don't let people tell you you don't have plenty of time. But also, some lady just got pregnant. She's like 50 years old. I just saw it on the news.

[Alex]

Happens. But also, don't let people tell you that your feelings about not wanting to have kids is not valid. Right. Did I say that correctly? Like, your feelings of not wanting to have kids is valid. That's one thing too. Because when people. I don't think that we ever said that we never wanted kids, but when people would ask us in the moment, I'd be like, no, not for us. Like, not right now. They'll be like, your minds will change. I'm like, shut. You don't know our circumstances.

[John]

Or like, what Your dad yesterday.

[Alex]

I know. Yeah.

[John]

Told me I'm gonna say at least nine times yesterday. Oh, no, you're gonna at least have two or three kids. I'm like, no, I'm not.

[Alex]

The thing.

[John]

I'm getting a vasectomy.

[Alex]

No matter what, people are going to have opinions on how many kids you have or if you're going to have kids, the gender of the children that you're trying for. It's just people love to insert their own opinions on your. Your life. So I think you're 26. I don't think you're in a rush at all. But don't. You don't have to completely close that door if you're confused. But the thing about being it this is what I'm interested about to hear your opinion. Because she says, I'm a strong believer that if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no. The kids topic. And we always said that, but for us with the kid topic, it still wasn't a hell yes.

[John]

Right?

[Alex]

It's. I'm still, I'm still worried.

[John]

Everyone's path and journey is different. It's different. And we just. I know just from our experience in our track record, anytime we have a discussion and it becomes daily, that discussion becomes reality. It was us constantly talking about moving to la, move to la. Constantly talking about move to New York, move to New York.

[Alex]

I mean, where's our next move, John?

[John]

I know, I don't know. The city. Oh, God.

[Alex]

Oh, yeah. I just think like you're you personally. If you want to close that door, you have every right to. And if you want to change your mind down the road, you have every right to do that too. But don't let people tell you you're gonna change your mind because you might not.

[John]

Look, nothing's 100.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[John]

Can't be like, oh, absolutely not. Because you don't know who you're gonna be, what type of person you are, who you're gonna be with down the road. Just like be fluid. Whatever happens, happens. But I do hate outside pressures. People just need to live their own lives and like let people just train wreck at themselves or do their own thing. You know, Last episode I said tell them so you could feel better saying, I told you so.

[Alex]

That's the one thing here. We're hypocrites, okay?

[John]

We are hypocrites.

[Alex]

Don't hold us to whatever we say. But I think from our own personal experience, and again, this is from us. And people say this all the time is you'll never find feel fully ready. And I will truly say we don't feel fully ready.

[John]

Be fluid, Live your life. Shit's going to change. Don't ever say 100% no or yes to something because you never know. And I was that person.

[Alex]

Yeah. But also just like tell everyone to go themselves and. Yeah. Next question. Hi there. My husband and I are parents of a one year old and all of our current friend group doesn't have kids yet. It seems like since we had a baby they are not interested in hanging around us as much. And it's a big effort on our part to make plans with them that work around our schedule. With a baby, how do we go about making new friends that also have kids or at least Better friends that still want to hang out with us with a kid.

[John]

Honestly, you're preaching to the choir. Alex and I are trying to figure the same thing out with just like making friends. It's hard when you're older.

[Alex]

It's hard when you're older.

[John]

What did you send me today? The lady. The lady. I really like her. If I can ever get her on the podcast, I would. The blonde lady with the black glasses.

[Alex]

Oh, Mel Robbins.

[John]

Mel Robbins. She's so smart. It's called like the great scattering after college.

[Alex]

Oh.

[John]

Just making friends as adults and how hard it is to do that.

[Alex]

Well, because you use. She says that you used to have like organized sports or like school activities that you had built in community and built in friendships. And it's like even in college you do as well in your dorm and your classes, but then after that you're in your 20s and then it's like where the am I finding new jobs? People are moving, but I think in the kid department apartment. I don't want you to. I hate the verbiage that you say or. Or at least find better friends that still want to hang out with us with a kid. Some people just don't want to hang out with your kid. And I feel like we've me having zero kids. I've had a lot of different friendships ebb and flow after my friends have had kids. Some friends who have had kids just hang out with people who don't have.

[John]

That's fine.

[Alex]

Who do have kids. And that's like it makes more sense for them. It's not because like we don't love each other anymore. It's just that's their preference because it makes it easier. I have other friends who have had kids and it hasn't changed our dynamic at all because they either bring their kids around or they make sure that we have our one on one time too without their kid involved.

[John]

I think you're the one who changed. To be honest. You're the one who changed.

[Alex]

Right.

[John]

So don't expect other people to change for you. Whether it's your best friend or friend or whatever shit happens, life moves on.

[Alex]

Because when we have a kid, I do not expect people to just want to hang out with us just because.

[John]

First off expect anything from, from anyone. And if somebody was like I'm just, I, I rather people be fully transparent. Like to be honest, I just don't want to hang out with like you and the kid.

[Alex]

Like I totally get that when you try to. It's like time with that person is always interrupted. It's hard to get uninterrupted conversation with a friend and catch up and that's fine.

[John]

But if they do want to hang out with you, they'll accommodate to your schedule. But, like, I wouldn't force or get upset anyways. Mel Robbins, whatever she said is like, when you're older, you need to be fluid with friendships, and that's so true.

[Alex]

And you have to be bold and reach out to the people who you want to hang out with. So whether that's meeting other families at the playground, preschool, daycare, be vocal about wanting to get together if that's what you want. But I think friendships in general, during different seasons, seasons of life, they ebb and flow. So these friends who, you know, you might not be hanging out with currently, maybe down the road they'll have some kids and then you could come back together. Who knows? I just don't think you could be.

[John]

Like, I told you so.

[Alex]

But I just don't think you can hold them to this standard and call them bad friends for not wanting to hang out or not being around anymore.

[John]

I think it's annoying when. And I, I know I'm not going to change on this. So I don't, I don't give a shit. Like, having a kid. I'm not going to expect anything from anyone. And just like assuming when you have this new baby in your life and everyone's like, look at me, look at my baby. Help me take care of my kid.

[Alex]

Or like, you want to be around my kid?

[John]

Like, no, fuck off.

[Alex]

Nobody loves their baby more than themselves. And I got that. It's like, I'm so obsessed with Kobe, but people probably think he's an ugly mutt. I love him so much.

[John]

But I also don't expect people to like, hang out with Kobe.

[Alex]

Right, Right. And that's the thing too. It's like we wouldn't just assume that people are. Everyone's a dog person.

[John]

Look at my baby. I have the cutest baby. No, relax.

[Alex]

I don't want to hang out with you and your baby. Yeah.

[John]

So anyways, if anyone wants to hang out with us, they can. But if you don't, I totally get it. Totally understand. We'll right off, right?

[Alex]

100%. Next question. I recently found out that multiple married friends of mine still have separate bank accounts and divide household payments. They don't have a joint anything and it blows my mind. I silently judge them and can't imagine what's on going struggle they have to go through for every purchase, bill and life event to ensure everything is both separate and equal. What do you guys think? If you're married, should you merge finances? Are there pros to keeping them separate? What's mine is yours, right? Personally, my husband and I joined phone plans a month into dating. The rest is history. We have a joint everything.

[John]

That's a ballsy thing to do. Joint phone plan. Right. That early?

[Alex]

Well, we'll just go back to your main question.

[John]

So we have friends that do both. Yeah, we do everything together because it's easier.

[Alex]

Do you think that's because we work together, though? Where? No, even before that, I guess we.

[John]

Were joined, I think, again, not just my parents split everything. I remember your dad was like, why even get married if you're gonna have separate stuff? Again, that's just what your dad. I don't know. So that was in our minds. I'm like, yeah, why would I not? Because I am a believer that, like, if you're getting married, it seems you're already having a point of separation. I just feel like that's not a good first step. My opinion on it. We have friends. That where it works. Also, if you have someone who's shitty with their finances. Okay, yeah. Have separate accounts. I get that.

[Alex]

You know, I wonder though, if you're married to someone who's shitty with their finances, and even if you're keeping your finances, quote, unquote, separate, unless you have a prenup, if something. If shit hits the fan, is it. Is it still your responsibility either way?

[John]

If you're doing a prenup, I know that there's legalities you have to go through where then, you know, it's like you're ala carte.

[Alex]

Right. But I'm saying if you don't have a prenup and you just have a separate account with someone who has a shit, like, shitty finances, I think it.

[John]

Depends on the state that you're married. If it's like 50, 50 states.

[Alex]

I don't know. For us, like, it made us feel more as a unit and as a team by just like. Like not having to split all that.

[John]

Burn the ship, right?

[Alex]

What do you mean?

[John]

It's like burn the ship all or not all. We're all in.

[Alex]

Oh, burn the ship. I thought burn the ship was more for, like, you know, we're.

[John]

I'm using that analogy for who knows?

[Alex]

You might be.

[John]

No, I'm not taking them down. Burn the ships like, we're going for it all. I'm getting rid of my therapy license. We're not doing weddings anymore. We're completely done. We're burning the ship to go to this new venture.

[Alex]

So we burned the ship to my Wells Fargo account. I'm just kidding. We just put our names on both of them. But yeah, I think again, this is another one that we're gonna put on a shirt. To each their own. I think what works in different relationships. But I would never judge, like, my friends who have separate accounts from their husbands. I don't judge them. I'm like, that's interesting.

[John]

I don't judge them. But I'm like, how does this work to me?

[Alex]

I'm just like, is that not more work and effort to put in?

[John]

I'll die on that hill. It definitely is. There's no way that it's not. Again, not judging you. But don't. Don't come to me like, it's way easier because it's fucking not. I could tell you right now there's no way that it's more. But also, are you filing jointly?

[Alex]

I would assume separately with tax purposes?

[John]

You think so?

[Alex]

If you're already like, joint. If you're already have separate accounts and like, you really aren't paying bills and.

[John]

You'Re splitting everything another.

[Alex]

I don't think that you would file joint.

[John]

Negative. I would think because you're not getting a tax incentive.

[Alex]

I don't think it's that much of a tax incentive. But I guess you just have to, like, do your research. But I. I don't know. Again, I don't judge people. I'm just like, cool, if that works for you. Again, I just feel like you don't. If it's not something that impacts you, why am I judging you? If you're not. If it's not hurting someone else, if.

[John]

It'S a situation judging people all the time, and so are you. Don't act like you're an angel people.

[Alex]

If it's hurting another person or if it's not. Okay. If it's like an immoral affecting your.

[John]

Mental space, you're judging that person.

[Alex]

But if it's like a lapse in value ethics. Yeah, I'm gonna fucking judge you because then I think you're a shit person. Something like this, doing something stupid, who cares? You're just making your life a little bit harder for yourself. But whatever.

[John]

I'm not talking about judging people on this, but your comment of like, we both judge everyone judges. It's a topic of conversation. Oh, angel Al. Next question. Good luck, by the way.

[Alex]

Next question. My boyfriend and I have been together for just under eight Years. We have a two year old and have a pretty solid relationship. However, he doesn't seem interested in proposing. We have talked about marriage and he said that it's something he can see. I know for myself it's something I want and have brought up multiple times. Both of our parents had pretty nasty divorces. Maybe that's what's scaring him. I don't want to put pressure on him or any kind of ultimatum. Should I try to accept that he may never propose? John, from a guy's perspective, what would prevent someone from getting married? What's your advice, what you just said?

[John]

I guess maybe he has some like deep seated negativity towards it because of his parents getting divorced. I don't know. Go to therapy about it then. Dude. But if it's something you want as your partner, you both need to have a conversation and figure out what's the best plan of action. I don't know because you're thinking about it a lot. But is it something you really, really want? Think about that more first. I wouldn't just bring it up to him to bring it up until you know exactly what you want.

[Alex]

Yeah. Because if it's something that is important to you, it's one of your values. Whether he makes marriage feel stupid or.

[John]

Not, at the end of the day, it's a commitment thing for him.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[John]

You're not committing. It's. You're not committing.

[Alex]

I, I don't know. Yeah, I.

[John]

Are you judging him, Alex? To each his own, right?

[Alex]

I'm not judging him because he's my, my, my thing is don't lead someone on. Like have this open conversation about it.

[John]

And I hate that you had his kid. I'm. I'm judging him, but I'm also judging.

[Alex]

You a little bit. Like why the would you. If, if you truly wanted to get married, why are you true after eight years?

[John]

I don't, I mean you coming to him now, that's like. I guess it's hard because you can't change anyone. Did you have this conversation in the beginning about down the road wanting to get married? If not, it's like coming to him now about it. It's the same thing about political views. You guys are married down the road, your political affiliation changes. Are you going to get into your wife or husband's ass five years down the road if they think differently, like it's unfair. You can't change. Expect people to change from when you marry them until a certain point in time.

[Alex]

I just think I agree in that you have to have these conversations and also just stand up for yourself. If this is something that is a non negotiable for you, why do you keep pushing it out? You're just going to continue.

[John]

Well then if it's a non negotiable, it should have been a non negotiable eight years ago. You can't just do that now. I like how I flipped it. At first I was like annoyed with the guy, but now I'm like, that's kind of on you.

[Alex]

It's both parties, both parties are at fault here. And it's like, you can't, you're the one who's allowing this type of behavior to slide. Like, I do believe in setting up an ultimatum because I do think that it's like, it's been this long. You have a child. Like, you're either committing to me or you're not.

[John]

But first off, she doesn't know if she's 100% wanting to get married. She's thinking about it. Let's just go there first.

[Alex]

First we talked about marriage and he said, I know for myself it's something I want and have brought it up a couple of times so she knows it's something she wants.

[John]

Oh, okay.

[Alex]

But how, how hard are you really communicating that? I get it. Like you don't want to, you don't want to spook someone that you love away. But then if you do spook them away by kind of setting this like ultimatum, is that really the person for you? And again, I don't want to use the word ultimatum, but it's also, at this point in life, like how much.

[John]

Longer I'm also leaning more on the woman's side. Now I'm all over the place. First it was, I was on his side now, then I was against her. Now I'm with her again because I go back to, and I just go look through what you're going through through a pregnancy. You're, you were doing everything. I'm doing nothing.

[Alex]

Don't say that. You're, you're as far as my car.

[John]

Building a baby, right? You're doing everything. Like you had this guy's kid. That is a fudgeing lot. That's a lot. I mean, you gave yourself, you gave your all for him and the, the kid.

[Alex]

He should.

[John]

Get over your, go to therapy. What are you gonna do? But he needs to commit to you.

[Alex]

Well, let's say the past divorces weren't part of his past. Like as a straight man, what do you think someone's reasons would be for just dating someone for not 8, 9, 10 years and not committing to them.

[John]

In marriage, it's because he's non committal 100%. What else, what else could it be? What other bullshit?

[Alex]

But do you think that some people, like in this day and age can be together?

[John]

Yeah. Like again, me saying this now. I know someone, if they listen to this, we know each other, like, will give me shit. But I wouldn't know his reasoning either. Like, you have a partner who gave up their body, gave up their own identity, even for nine months to, to. For a kid, your kid. And you can't do that for them. What, what is he doing on his end that he's sacrificing.

[Alex]

But what is the sacrifice in marriage? I think it's less of a sacrifice and it's more of a commitment. And saying like, I am, I am legally binded to you because I commit.

[John]

To you, that scares people. The legal binding scares people out of.

[Alex]

But that's a commitment thing. Like that's. I, I mean, I don't know.

[John]

But yeah, not for a lot of people. It doesn't. I don't know why, but it doesn't. And again, teach his own. For some people, like, they don't care about marriage. Both.

[Alex]

Maybe we need a couple on the podcast who has. They're both, they're both okay with not being married. I would really be interested in taking their take or hearing their take on what.

[John]

I wouldn't judge that though. If both parties correct, then I'm like, cool. And your situation works for you. Hell yeah.

[Alex]

But it's when it's uneven and one person wants the commitment of marriage and the other person is pushing it off, that creates issues. And that's the problem. Yeah. Because if you're both okay not having that piece of paper and legally doing the paperwork. Who said it?

[John]

Also, was she saying this in the beginning? Were you cool in the beginning? Like, I'm good. We don't have to get married. And now eight months down the road, I'm like, I think eight years down.

[Alex]

The road, Ashley Hesseltine, who's one of the co hosts of Girls Gotta Eat, she did stand up and she talks about this where she was like, I never really wanted to get married until, you know, I found the person. I never wanted him to leave me. So I wanted to make it as hard for him as possible to leave me. So. So like paperwork and you know, once you do that, it is really challenging to get divorced and leave person. But. So I think it probably does fall under the Scared of commitment category. And that's the conversation that sounds like you've had before. But it's like, how much longer do you want to push that out for? It's really up to you, honestly. Like, you. The balls in your.

[John]

We talked about this question way too long.

[Alex]

Okay?

[John]

Figure it out.

[Alex]

You got this. Next question. Hey, Alex and John, my boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half. We have been talking about marriage and all the exciting things that come with this life change. He has been talking about the idea of a prenup, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Makes me feel like he's planning for the end of what hasn't even happened yet. I'm trying to figure out a way to talk to him about this uncomfortable topic. Makes me feel like we aren't a team and he's preparing to be separate. If you could give me any tips, I would appreciate it.

[John]

You're thinking about bringing this up to him? Thank God you're not married yet.

[Alex]

You're also. Well, yeah. I mean, I guess, like, this is a conversation to have while you're dating. You've been dating.

[John]

It's not a guess. It's not a guess. It's a definite question. You. A conversation you need to have. Because if you don't want a prenup. He wants a prenup. You're already. This is already setting up for failure. Just. If you guys aren't going to meet on this dude, just fine. You're not doing somewhere else.

[Alex]

I don't know. So pre me. Pre married me. Didn't know much about prenups. I also had nothing to my name. But now adult version. Alex realizes that a prenup isn't a bad thing. It helps put verbiage and legal legalities into place while you loaded.

[John]

I get it.

[Alex]

It's a legal document that you decide on while things are good and happy so that God forbid, again, things go wrong down the road, which statistically, sometimes they do. You don't have to go to absolute war because you already in a healthy state of mind, decided how you want to split your assets or, you know, things down the road.

[John]

So you're either either way. Because right now, we got married. You didn't have anything. I barely had anything. We didn't care. Now that we're better off, you're saying if you got married again, you do a prenup.

[Alex]

I even think if we wanted to now, like, we could sign a prenup.

[John]

Not that it makes no sense.

[Alex]

I Think. But I mean, I think. I don't know. Can you do a prenup after marriage?

[John]

I guess we could split everything down the middle, but we're also 50. 50 partners on our business and everything, so I don't know how that would work. I mean, if you want to. We're doing it right now. Prenup, Alex.

[Alex]

I mean, maybe we get a lawyer on. Because I think, again, it's. It's not. It's not necessarily a bad thing. It's just about, like, how you want to navigate in the case that you split up down the road in a healthy way. Like, you both decide while you're not heated, while things aren't toxic. And then again, I think you could put in, like, in the case that someone cheats. In the case that someone.

[John]

That's not the question. I get it. If prenup works for people, do it. If it doesn't work for people, don't do it. I get that her question is she doesn't want a prenup. And what I'm saying is, if he's not going to meet you on that, this. That's just like. That's a hard. That's a hard note. Even getting married.

[Alex]

Well, what I'm saying is I also didn't want to prenup because in my brain I was just like, no, you're already, like, assuming failure. You're already. Already planning to be divorced. And it's like, it's not necessarily for that. So I'm just saying maybe do a little bit of research into the pros of a prenup prior to saying no to it completely. Because I don't know, having the knowledge of a prenup, like, I would have been more casual about signing one or doing one with you. And that's my point. It's just saying, like, I don't think it's as dirty as it is at. As people make it seem.

[John]

I will counter with. I'm a firm believer, agree or disagree, that the more separation you have, the easier it is to get away, to separate. So again, prenup, whatever, it's fine. Whatever works for everyone. But I will think, I wonder statistically if this is true, too, like you getting a prenup point of separation. You separate bank accounts, point of separation, not putting both your names on the house point of separation. And I think the more you do it, the wider the gap. And I. And I think it just makes it easier to walk away.

[Alex]

Yeah. And I think you have a point there. And so I just think you need to consider all options. I don't think that you have to completely take it off the table because a prenup can also be made to protect you as well.

[John]

Good or bad.

[Alex]

Yeah, but, you know, I mean, depending on who you're with. True. It's like, I don't know, I just started watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and like Camille in season one, like, thank God she didn't have a prenup. She got to keep all of her houses. And so I think that I don't.

[John]

Know the fuck that is.

[Alex]

It just depends.

[John]

She the one who owns Vanderpump?

[Alex]

No. Other one. Well, she was. Mel. She was married to Kelsey Grammer.

[John]

Oh, yeah. Not signed. Kramer.

[Alex]

Kramer.

[John]

Yeah.

[Alex]

And so again, it's like, but would.

[John]

He having his eighth kid or something?

[Alex]

I don't know. But not just them specifically, but in these situations, like, if it's a man or if it's a woman, would they have been able to build their career without your support? You know, and so like, I do think that a lot of times, like, the woman is entitled or the man is entitled to half of their. The assets because they. Like in again, Camille's situation, she. I mean, she had a lot of nannies taking care of her kids, but in a Maybe. Maybe in a smaller situation, someone is likely taking care of the household while the man is making his money.

[John]

Jeff Bezos, ironically. Did you see that post today?

[Alex]

No.

[John]

It was Jeff Bezos. It was like his current wife versus previous wife. She started Amazon with them, came up with the name Amazon, did in house, like purchasing shit with the warehouse. Like, she did all the startup initially with him. So she's deserved what she received.

[Alex]

Yeah. Or Portnoy, like he.

[John]

His wife still has like his ex wife still has like, access to his account or whatever.

[Alex]

Exactly. Yeah. I just think that, like, so in certain situations, you know, you just have to look out for yourself. But also know that, like, sometimes in situations, a prenup can be a good thing to protect you. Or in situations potentially not, it's all legalities.

[John]

Oh, my God.

[Alex]

Talk with your lawyers. We got it.

[John]

We got it, we got it.

[Alex]

Should we talk about our Rex?

[John]

Talk about our Rex. Let's say it at the same time. So I'm gonna go 1, 2, 3, and say it.

[Alex]

Okay.

[John]

1, 2.

[Alex]

Fruit riot.

[John]

What?

[Alex]

Did you not remember the name? You were gonna give a recommendation of a name that you didn't remember?

[John]

Fruit something.

[Alex]

Oh, my God. You can thank me because I'm the one who put it in the car.

[John]

Did you find that from Instagram?

[Alex]

I knew when I walked by it, I recognized the branding and I was like, I'm pretty sure this was. Had a viral moment. We should try it. Fruit Riot.

[John]

Fruit Riot.

[Alex]

And so we got. We first tried the mango ones and now we have the grape.

[John]

Side note, I fucking hate mangoes.

[Alex]

Yeah. I'm not a big. Well, actually, I do like.

[John]

But I love Sour Patch Kids. And so all this fruit has the Sour Patch stuff around. Is it probably a healthier version?

[Alex]

No, I'm sure it's horrible for you.

[John]

I like how I've told everyone about this, but I never really read the nutritional value on it.

[Alex]

Who cares?

[John]

It's 45 calories per serving. I'm like, is that per piece?

[Alex]

You have to look at what the serving is.

[John]

We should have done it before the podcast.

[Alex]

I just like, no, I don't care anyways.

[John]

I actually don't even like fruit. Really? Banana.

[Alex]

Ew. I don't need a sour banana, but so good.

[John]

There's, like, grapes, there's mango, there's all this stuff. It's a good treat.

[Alex]

Yeah, I really enjoy it.

[John]

Fruit Riot.

[Alex]

That's my rectory.

[John]

I don't know where they're at, though.

[Alex]

I feel like. Did I have another wreck to give today? No, that was the one that I wrote and you stole mine. I'm glad that I influenced you because I said we should get these. Yeah, they're really.

[John]

Respect. I might have one right after this. I know I'm kind of hungry anyways, guys. Submit your questions to hello at Give.

[Alex]

It to me straight podcast.com or the anonymous link in our show notes. You could follow us at Give it to Me Straight Podcast on all the socials. Like subscribe.

[John]

Like subscribe. Email, Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, TikTok.

[Alex]

Where all the places. Thank you guys for tuning in, and we will see you next week.

[John]

Ciao, Ciao. Bye.

[Alex]

Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.