88. Giving you lazy husbands, stay-at-home moms, and promotions

Summary

Give It To Me Straight: Episode 88

"Giving you lazy husbands, stay-at-home moms, and promotions"

Release Date: January 27, 2026
Hosts: Alex & John
Podcast Network: Dear Media

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Episode Overview

In this candid, no-holds-barred episode, husband-wife duo Alex and John dive straight into the highs and lows of modern relationships, parenthood, career dilemmas, and marriage dynamics. From hilarious takes on household routines to serious talk about postpartum changes, career sacrifices, and relationship resentments, the couple provides advice (and plenty of laughs) from both female and male perspectives. The episode features a series of listener Q&As, each sparking lively debate and unfiltered insights on promotions, stay-at-home motherhood guilt, infidelity, postpartum identity crises, marital intimacy struggles, and friendship boundaries.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Banter & Parenting Realities

• Timestamps: 00:00–17:00

• The episode humorously opens with Alex and John bickering about shoveling the snowy driveway and juggling early-morning parenting duties with their baby, Lucy.
• They share experiences around infant routines (Lucy’s sleep habits, bath time, and developmental milestones like rolling over).
• Both discuss their tendency to compete or feel hurt over whose parenting “works better,” reflecting on how babies can seem to pit parents against each other.
• On Lucy’s quickly-changing preferences:
  • Alex: “Babies are like puzzles that are consistently changing. Always. I feel like I'm in Indiana Jones every single day.” (02:20)
• They affectionately discuss their obsession with their child, joking about being “too nice” as parents:
  • Alex: “God forbid we love our child too much.” (03:47)
• Tangent on celebrity crushes and insights on miniseries definitions.

2. Postpartum Experiences & Relationship Shifts

• Timestamps: 11:00–18:00, 38:00–41:40, 62:59–71:42

• Alex shares postpartum hair loss, hormonal changes, ongoing rage, and body changes four months after birth.
  • Alex: “I think, again, what did they... it takes, like, a full year to two years to, like, have your body really go back to homeostasis and maybe longer if you’re breastfeeding.” (13:23)
• John expresses awe at what women experience post-birth, emphasizing how people undervalue the commitment and changes kids bring.
• Both reflect on how obsessive love for their baby feeds worry and fear.
• Listener Q&A: Navigating motherhood after infant loss—Alex and John speak vulnerably about grief for lost children and how it forever shifts self-identity, but that joy can eventually outweigh grief.
  • Alex: “You grow with grief. It's not always going to be dark and heavy.” (41:13)

3. Division of Labor, Weaponized Incompetence & Marriage Teamwork

• Timestamps: 62:59–71:42

• Many questions circle the division of parenting and emotional labor, with acute focus on partners (often men) who withdraw from childcare or household duties due to micromanagement or incompetence.
• Alex and John break down their own routines—how explicit teamwork (splitting bath and bedtime, chores) prevents resentment.
  • John: “That’s how we don’t resent each other, is because we’re both working, both have to do.”
  • Alex: “You both want to chill together. So the quicker that you can get all this stuff done, the quicker that you get to just enjoy each other's time.” (71:00)
• Advice to listeners: Direct, honest communication is key—admit mistakes, but both partners must show up and contribute regardless of prior arguments or micromanagement.

4. Career Crossroads, Stay-at-Home Mom Guilt, and Promotions

• Timestamps: 29:50–34:31, 42:46–50:29

• Several listener questions grapple with evolving career priorities, guilt over not contributing financially after having kids, or envying colleagues’ promotions missed during maternity leave.
• Alex and John acknowledge the legitimacy of guilt on both sides—working moms miss home, at-home moms miss work identity.
  • Alex: “No matter what, moms have guilt… you’re never—it’s hard to find a balance.” (43:16)
• Advice: Remember that seasons of life change; if you want to be home with your kids, it’s valid, but ensure you’re financially protected and communicate openly with your partner.
  • John (on missed promotion): “You miss all the shots you don’t shoot.” (30:54)
  • Alex: “If like, getting a promotion is important to you, focus on work, talk to whoever is higher than you.” (30:57)
• On stay-at-home parenting: It’s real work; don’t let your contributions be devalued.

5. Relationship Resentment, Emotional Labor, and Communication

• Timestamps: 52:06–56:11, 74:54–79:29

• Listeners share struggles about emotional connection, romance, and carrying the mental load.
• When a listener feels her responsible, stable husband isn’t romantic and their life feels monotonous—John challenges whether she’s also putting in romantic effort, or solely blaming him:
  • John: “I'm such a 50, 50 person. ... You can’t have it all.” (52:45)
• Both advise: If you want more romance or excitement, initiate it; don’t outsource your happiness.
• Value of small gestures and shared accountability in relationship fulfillment.
• On friendships: Honesty about limits with couple friends can be necessary if one spouse can’t stand the other’s friend’s partner.
  • Alex: “I just know being with you, I'm never gonna make you do something that you actually don't want to do.” (75:24)

6. Sexual Intimacy, Mismatched Drives, and Divorce Considerations

• Timestamps: 57:54–61:02

• A listener describes sexual frustration with her “checked-out” husband, who's more interested in solo activity than intimacy, prompting her to contemplate divorce.
  • Alex: “If you were touching yourself and not having sex with me and knowing that I have a high sex drive or I’m just wanting some physical interaction and you’re off doing it yourself... I would consider leaving you over that.” (59:49)
• John, more bluntly: “He doesn't care about your feelings.”
• Both stress: Communication is critical, but ongoing disregard is a real issue; it’s not “too harsh” to consider leaving if core needs aren’t met.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Parenting as a Puzzle:
  • Alex: “Babies are like puzzles that are consistently changing. Always. I feel like I'm in Indiana Jones every single day.” (02:20)
• On Postpartum Shifts:
  • Alex: “I think I have more rage.” (13:17)
• On Teamwork in Marriage:
  • John: “That’s how we don’t resent each other, is because we’re both working, both have to do.”
• On Stay-At-Home Mom Guilt:
  • Alex: “No matter what, moms have guilt… you’re never—it’s hard to find a balance.” (43:16)
• On Emotional Labor:
  • Alex: “I just don’t understand when people don't want to make their partner's lives easier. ... That's how they're going to show up when you have kids.” (72:30)
• On Intimacy Issues:
  • Alex: “Like, it costs nothing to flick my bean. Take your time.” (60:52)
  • John: “He doesn't care about your feelings.” (59:59)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Topic | Start | |--------------------------------------------------------------------------- |----------| | Parenting Banter & Baby Updates | 00:00 | | Postpartum Body & Emotional Changes | 12:00 | | Career Q&As—Promotions & Stay-at-Home Decisions | 29:50 | | Grieving Lost Children/Motherhood Identity | 38:00 | | Relationship & Romance Advice | 52:06 | | Sexual Intimacy Issues & Divorce Considerations | 57:54 | | Weaponized Incompetence/Household Labor | 62:59 | | Friendship Boundaries—Awkward Double Date Q&A | 74:54 |

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Tone & Style

Alex and John remain unfiltered, relatable, and dryly comical, blending personal details, mutual jabs, and genuine empathy. The banter is fast-paced and irreverent, with both loud laughter and moments of supportive vulnerability; advice given is pragmatic and often blunt.

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Overall Takeaways

• Teamwork and open, honest communication (including apologies for missteps) are non-negotiable in marriage and parenting.
• No decision—whether to work or stay home—is guilt-free for moms, but either is valid; protect yourself financially.
• Emotional labor in relationships must be shared; weaponized incompetence is unacceptable.
• It’s normal to grieve past identities after huge life changes; healing is possible, and new joy does arrive.
• Intimacy issues can be a dealbreaker—needs, even sexual, are legitimate and deserve attention.
• Not all friendships have to be couple-based—sometimes solo hangs are best.

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Final Advice (in the show's own words)

Alex: “Whatever works in your relationship, like, you will figure it out.” (49:57)
John: “Grow the fuck up. ... Show up.” (66:10)

For full context and the hosts’ signature dynamic, listen to the full episode.

Transcript

[A]

The following podcast is a Dear media production. You're driving a wedge into our relationship.

[B]

Stop talking. Flick my bean. Like, what the fuck, dude?

[A]

Like, it costs nothing to flick my bean. Take your time.

[B]

Awesome effort.

[A]

Probably hardly.

[B]

And welcome back to Give It To Me Straight.

[A]

I'm Alex.

[B]

And I'm John.

[A]

And we're your gracious, gracious, gracious, gracious host. Good.

[B]

How are you doing this week, John?

[A]

You can ask me.

[B]

I know.

[A]

No, you just said John.

[B]

I know. I just wanted to cut you off first. How are you doing this week, Alex?

[A]

I'm good. I'm cold. I shuffled the driveway this morning. My toes are cold.

[B]

I would have shoveled the driveway.

[A]

No, I know. I.

[B]

You were like, I want to get out of that.

[A]

Yeah, well, someone has to watch Lucy. You were sitting and I said, I'll go sitting.

[B]

I was not sitting.

[A]

Like, you weren't. Okay, but you were sitting.

[B]

Let's just backtrack. Let's.

[A]

Are you already trying to fight me, number one?

[B]

Well, choose your words. Choose your words.

[A]

Saying that I shoveled the driveway does not take away from the fact that you did not. Me saying that does not.

[B]

I would have shoveled the driveway, but.

[A]

You were like, shovel the drive.

[B]

You watch, Lucy. I'm going to shovel the driveway.

[A]

I thought that we were going to, like, start this off, like, good vibes. You immediately ruined it.

[B]

No, I want to start off with a bang. Really get your blood flowing for the remainder.

[A]

Want me to be mad at you for the remainder of the podcast?

[B]

Just trying to wake you up a little bit.

[A]

You know, I was awoken at six in the morning when Lucy got up.

[B]

Yeah, I don't know what's going on now. She's waking up at like 5:30 in the morning. And now from 5:30 until we just wake the fuck up, it's a battle. I'm starting to not be able to calm Lucy down at night, which is sad. I would pick her up and rock her and normally I could get her back to sleep. Not happening. Passed off to Alex. She calmed down right away. It was like a gut shot. I'm like, oh, well.

[A]

I was like, this morning, I feel like every day it changes who she wants to be with. Like, I was holding her. She didn't want anything to do with me. As soon as I pass her to you, she's happy. Happy as well.

[B]

That's nice of you. I think you're just giving me credit for, you know, she just wanted to face forward. You had her facing you.

[A]

I don't know. Because if I knew that you wanted to face forward. I would have just turned her around, but I didn't know that.

[B]

I was just saying I don't think it's me that she wanted. I think it's just, like, turning her around.

[A]

Babies are like puzzles that are consistently changing. Always. I feel like I'm in Indiana Jones every single day. Just like.

[B]

Is she pitting us against each other? Maybe she's the smart one.

[A]

I'm like, we went left and right this day. We got to just do left and right again. And she's like, no, we're doing up, down, center, right, left, backflip, triple tuck, aerial, cartwheel tuck, tumble, tumble.

[B]

It's crazy, though. She's growing. She's moving around. She's so smart. She's rolling over. We talked about this. I need her to roll back, though, is the problem. Yeah, she's only rolling through getting.

[A]

When they're frustrated, that's how they grow. That's how they learn.

[B]

And so that's our problem, is we don't let her. We're just like. We don't let her cry. We're so sad. We're like.

[A]

I just. It depends. Well, if she's frustrated on her belly because she can't roll back to her back, you got. I let her struggle for a minute because I'm like, I don't. I can't.

[B]

A minute?

[A]

Yeah, Like a full minute. Because I'm like, I can't. You got to gain the strength, gain the knowledge.

[B]

She has her arm just, like, stuck underneath her stomach. I'm like, pull the arm out. Pull your arm out.

[A]

I hate that I consistently think that something bad is going to happen to me and you because we love her so much.

[B]

I feel like we are Harry Potter's parents.

[A]

And then you also.

[B]

We get shot in the alley or something. Like the good parents.

[A]

Maybe we should start being a little bit more bad.

[B]

Maybe, like, it's. We're just too nice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Pattern backs.

[A]

My God. We just. Again, God forbid we love our child too much.

[B]

God forbid.

[A]

Speaking of bad, you know who's a little bit bad that I like John Bernthal. I have the biggest crush on him.

[B]

Oh, is he your new. I got a crush on. He's a badass.

[A]

I know. I wouldn't say that. He's my hall pass. Like, before. Before. Jason Momoa. But, like, I do have a huge crush on John.

[B]

I think it's so talented. His origin story of how he got in is so cool.

[A]

But what show was it, his and hers, that we just watched.

[B]

So good miniseries.

[A]

Really good recommend. What makes a miniseries just less than.

[B]

Maybe less than 10 episodes or something? I don't know. It's only eight. Or it's. It's. Maybe it's just like one season, I guess.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Like it's a beginning.

[A]

Miniseries would be more like four episodes. Because seasons of shows these days are.

[B]

Just like eight baby reindeer. That's considered a miniseries, right? How many episodes? Just one season or like one finishing and end within a certain amount of episodes?

[A]

I feel like I should know this. Like, what is the definition of a miniseries? Let me look it up. A television drama shown in a number of episodes. Okay, cool. So does that mean anything? Is a miniseries? What qualifies? It says usually five to six.

[B]

Okay. Today's podcast is sponsored by Premier Protein.

[A]

Yay.

[B]

I love Premier Protein.

[A]

Literally.

[B]

This is coffee every morning.

[A]

My favorite partner that we've had. We love everybody.

[B]

I mean, we religiously use Premier Protein every morning.

[A]

One thing we use every single day.

[B]

Let me just read it. Life right now can best be described as lovely chaos. We're juggling work, a baby, sleep deprivation, and the constant feeling that we're forgetting something important. And spoiler alert, it's usually ourselves. Because once you become a parent, taking care of your own health suddenly feels optional. Like, I'll get to that after the baby eats sleep, stop crying, and I remember what day it is. That's where Premier protein comes in. With 30 grams of protein and tons of delicious flavors. Premier protein isn't just for those who get after fitness. It's for those who get after life. And right now, getting after life for us means functioning on minimal sleep and still showing up like real humans. We generally drink Premier protein every single day. And one of our favorite ways to have it is mixing it straight into our coffee.

[A]

I think it's actually in this cup right now. I need a refill.

[B]

The vanilla is the best. Because if we're already holding a cup of coffee for Dear Life at 7am it might as well be doing something productive. Turns our coffee into an actual meal, which feels like a parenting win. And the best part? It actually tastes good. No chalky. I'm being punished for not working out. Flavor cafe latte, chocolate cake batter. It's healthy choice you want to make even when your standards are low and your patience is lower. Premier protein gives us the fuel to get after everything we have going on, not just workouts. It's fuel for powering through the workday, keeping up with a baby, still having energy left for the joyful stuff. Or at least enough energy to stay awake past 8pm for me. For me, not Alex. So if you want something easy, delicious and parent approved, find your favorite [e-mail] that's P-R-E-M-I-E-R protein.com or at Amazon, Walmart and other major retailers.

[A]

This episode is sponsored by Skims. Before skims, underwear was honestly kind of an afterthought for me. I'd spend time picking out an outfit, but whatever bra or underwear I just grabbed like fine. And then halfway through the day I'd be adjusting, pulling down, uncomfortable and just not feeling my best. Or what Skims made me realize was what you put on first actually sets the tone for the rest of the day. Which is true. You don't want to be in something that's uncomfortable and ruin it.

[B]

Never.

[A]

Then that's all that you think about. There's something about having on a matching bra and underwear set or just really a solid comfortable support that instantly makes you feel more put together. Even if no one else sees it. John will see it eventually. You're ready to take on the world. My drawer is basically all skims at this point, which is true. I open it up and I'm like maternity bra, skim skim skim, nursing bra, I underwear strapless bra. All the fabrics are so soft, stretchy and actually supportive without digging in. I love how everything smooths and moves with you. Whether I'm recording the pod running around, living my life. It's just kind of the underwear that disappears under your clothes but makes you feel confident. If you're looking to upgrade your everyday bras and underwear or you want the perfect Valentine's Day gift for someone you love or for yourself. The Skims Valentine's shop is officially open and also it's the new year like time to refresh your underwear and brajor you guys like. When was the last time you did that? Shop my favorite bras and [e-mail] after you place your order. Make sure to select podcast in the survey and to give it to me straight so they know we sent you.

[B]

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[A]

Not just are they sometimes difficult to follow, sometimes they don't always rhyme. And they're real, they're. They suck. A lot of these kids books are trash. If you have recommendations, maybe there's a meaning of why they're supposed to ask for recommendations for good children's books.

[B]

We already have Chicka Chicka Boom Boom just so everyone.

[A]

No, we have a big library for her, but just like drop your favorite ones that are actually good in the comments because I feel like I have read more shitty children's books than good ones.

[B]

Confusing. I'm like, what's the plot?

[A]

Because some of them are good. And then they make me cry. Like, I don't want to blast this because I just feel like if one day we're like, yeah, actually let's write a children's book. Like people might hate it too. And I don't want to like shit on any art.

[B]

Why shit on our book? And I'm like, okay, for next time I shouldn't do this.

[A]

But yeah, I just.

[B]

Guys, I would shit on it if I knew who she's talking about. But yeah. Anyway, some of the books are confusing, but Alex and I are Trying to be, like, lively, do the popcorn reading, and we're, like, messing up the words.

[A]

I think it's also because it's late at night and we're on our last leg there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I'm, like, seeing double anyway.

[B]

I just think we're always someone's. We're always with her. Like, there's no, like, nap time. We're trying to learn nap time, but right now she's still strapped to our chest. So there's never, like, any downtime that we have during the day.

[A]

I mean, that's the other thing, too. The Internet doesn't really help with, like, you know, us wanting to put her in daycare or hire out other help. Seeing all these cray crates that are out there, I'm like, hello. No, I'm keeping her with me, next to me forever.

[B]

Yeah. I'm still trying to convince Alex of one and done. So I'm gonna, you know, I'll just spoil her all the way.

[A]

Just go back and forth, you know?

[B]

No, I don't know. Since I know that, like, I'm not gonna do this again, I'm like, I'll spoil the. Out of her now. It's the last time I'm doing this. First last time.

[A]

I'm doing you again. Then go get snip snips.

[B]

I could just be safe.

[A]

I don't think it's John. That is a load of bullshit. Not that we have sex often these days, but when we do, you're.

[B]

You're.

[A]

It's.

[B]

I'm good. You're not. I'm good.

[A]

It takes one time and I don't even.

[B]

Two of us.

[A]

I don't even have my period back yet. Speaking of being postpartum, I don't know if you've noticed, I'm starting to lose my hair.

[B]

No, I haven't noticed. You always have hair everywhere. Wrapped. Wrapped around my boxers. Wrapped, like in the couch. On loose.

[A]

Have you ever had my hair wrapped around your dick?

[B]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Why don't you show me?

[B]

Not now. I don't.

[A]

I'll take it and collect it and put it in a weave for myself.

[B]

You're going to weave it?

[A]

I don't know. I need to collect all the hairs that I can because I remember after losing Leo, I didn't lose. I didn't, like, go through significant postpartum hair loss until like, three or four months after. And that's where we're at now. Timing wise is four months later. And so I feel like I've been taking all the Vitamins. Like, my eyelashes look great, but I do notice that, like, I am losing way more hair in the hairbrush.

[B]

Are you, like, sweating, like, how you.

[A]

Do still not as bad. Yeah, but, yeah, I'm still, like, last night I woke up and didn't put my shirt back on.

[B]

It was hot, though. Do you feel like, you know, four months postpartum now? Are you, like, how are you feeling? You feel like you're kind of getting over the hump of. With your hormones and. I don't know. No, no.

[A]

I think I have more rage.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I've seen that, too. We don't have to. We don't have. We could bypass that.

[A]

I don't. Yeah, I think, again, what did they. What have I seen? It takes, like, a full year to two years to, like, have your body really go back to homeostasis and maybe longer if you're breastfeeding. And so I don't know, because I'm still breastfeeding her.

[B]

I'll say this, like, just people getting pregnant and having a kid on a whim is so crazy to me. The amount of stuff that happens to, like, a woman's body or just, like, having a good partner or not. It's crazy how people take other things more serious than they do having a kid.

[A]

I think some people don't understand the weight of having a kid, though. Like, they don't mind leaving their kid and not, like, we put a lot of energy and effort into Lucy. I feel like a lot of people just don't put that energy and effort into their kids. Not. Not everyone, but there are people out there.

[B]

Prime example, dinner. You would think we were in a food eating competition at dinner. For some reason, every time we have dinner, I think I'm eating at a rapid, rapid pace.

[A]

The thing is, Lucy sees us and she's like, oh, they're eating. Time to lose weight.

[B]

Cooking. She's cool. So we have her sitting in this, like, little chair thing. She's watching us cook, whatever. The minute we sit down, losing her mind. And so now I'm. It's either me or Alex. Alex or I. That I'm, like, eating with one hand and moving her little, like, peanut pillow. She's in back and forth.

[A]

Actually, there's a skit in that. I got to remember to write that down. Like, when we're eating and then losing.

[B]

Now get up.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's something. She notices that we're calm and she's.

[B]

Like, we're just slowly dying through the day. Like, in the beginning, we're like, we're good with this. Manageable. Whatever. Whatever. Five o' clock hits, it's war. And we're like, just survive. Survive another two hours. Little. Little mat time, a little bath time, but it's a little reading time.

[A]

Babies are made cute. Like, they're born cute. Because you can't. I will give her anything. Like, she starts. I'm just like, you are a little baby angel face. Like, whatever you want. She has us wrapped around her finger.

[B]

Thank God she's cute. That's what my mom said about me.

[A]

Thank God. Well, I've heard stories about you. You were a terror.

[B]

I know. Wasn't. I just wanted to be left alone.

[A]

I don't know. It's like, there's really no baby pictures of you. Like, did your parents even like you? I did a comparison photo. Like a little collage of two photos of Lucy compared to two photos of me. You really can't tell who's who?

[B]

Yeah, I know. Just on a daily basis, I'm just getting my feelings hurt knowing that my child doesn't look like me at all.

[A]

But Lucy, in our content, literally looks just like you.

[B]

Sweet.

[A]

It is crazy. I wonder how many people. Because my friend just had a baby, too. Her baby looks just like her baby photos. She is 100% like her.

[B]

Oh, really? Okay. I didn't know she looked like him or her. No, just like she looked like him or her.

[A]

Yeah, but your sister just had a baby. Doesn't look like her.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Our genes did not.

[A]

Jeans are so interesting.

[B]

I think I'm still banking on Lucy.

[A]

She'll change.

[B]

She's gonna change. She'll start looking like me when she's older.

[A]

And again, if there were more baby photos of you, maybe we could compare. Because I feel like, again, we do look similar.

[B]

I. Maybe they're gonna.

[A]

You were just way. You were very tan as a baby.

[B]

Yeah, I think intentionally. Maybe now she's just cute in general. They're gonna. She's gonna end up looking like me when she's older because they know that I'm gonna have less patience as she's older and being like a sassy teenager. Maybe she's gonna look like me then. So I'm like, okay, I'm gonna tolerate you, you know, more.

[A]

So, like, you think that biology is going to shift. Shift and make her look more like you so you like her more when she's a bratty teen.

[B]

When she's a bratty teen, you're like.

[A]

Oh, she is mine. If she has an attitude, she is Yours. Like, that's gonna be the tell side.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I mean, yeah. Again, do we need. Do we always need to have this conversation? Like, yeah, I would say yeah.

[B]

It's our therapy session.

[A]

If this was our therapy session, there's a lot more I would open up about and we would get advice. It wouldn't just be like, us.

[B]

Give it to us straight. We said that before. Not a whole lot's going on, but it's. It's just been snowing here a lot. I feel trapped inside. I'm ready to get out, walk with Lucy, meet. Meet with some people, go to a coffee shop that is just so isolated right now.

[A]

That is what I was going to say about the seasons. Like, besides sides, when it snows and it's pretty for, you know, a few days, being in the cold for an extended amount of time is so depressing because you can't do anything or it just feels like. I don't know, I guess maybe you. You can do some things. But it's just like with the season and having a baby, you're like.

[B]

People say that's a good time to have a baby, though, because then you're just like, inside. No, with your baby.

[A]

I've heard the opposite. Like, that's one, at least from a woman's perspective is like, that's when a lot of women deal with women on.

[B]

Like, who told me that they're. Like, being inside when you're with a newborn's perfect because you don't have to, like, go out and, like, expose them that you just hang out inside and, like, enjoy your time with your baby until, like, for a couple months before the weather changes.

[A]

Maybe like the. If you do it right before spring. But I've heard the opposite, where everyone who I've spoken to has had a baby in the winter. It's, like, very depressing because you can't just, like, get out and walk when it's 10 degrees outside. I guess you could. They do it in the Nordic countries, right?

[B]

Yeah, Just like, they're.

[A]

They leave their. No, you said that's European. Are there any. I'm not. I'm not going to get into geography over here, but it's ice.

[B]

The Icelandic. Iceland, they leave their babies outside.

[A]

Yeah. Probably because it's safe there. We can't.

[B]

You would leave.

[A]

We can't do that here. We heard some, like, crazy banging on our house last night. Have no idea what it is.

[B]

Alex gets up, she's like, what is that? I'm like, oh, let me. Let me go check.

[A]

Well, the thing is I'm like, is it snowing?

[B]

I'm walking outside my Crocs. I'm like, I don't see anything.

[A]

I'm like, just checking on the cameras. I just see you walking around like kicking the snow. But it did. It sounded like consistent banging on our.

[B]

I feel like I could be a good tracker. I went out there. I'm like, okay, there's no tracks. Snowfall. Nothing new has been here. I see a package by a garage. I'm like, hold on, let me check the cameras past history log. Okay. That guy dropped that packers off at 11 at 3:27pm earlier today. So like the loud sound couldn't be from him. I do a perimeter sweep.

[A]

No, I feel like I did this.

[B]

I did this and I, I checked the wind. The wind pattern.

[A]

You wouldn't even know what direction it came from. You're like.

[B]

But you stick your finger in the air.

[A]

Yeah. You what? Right now? Say we right now. Do you know where north is?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where?

[B]

This way.

[A]

Wait a minute.

[B]

Oh wait. Actually I do know. Based off of our address, north is there. No, based off of the our address, this where this, that's north right here.

[A]

West. West is left. North.

[B]

I didn't know you had your compass on you. How do you know?

[A]

I know this is the front of the house and so the sun sets there. It rises in the east.

[B]

Okay. I'll give you that.

[A]

So yeah, you sticking your tongue out. You have no idea where the sun.

[B]

There's no fucking airflow. Besides the AC seen when I was outside checking.

[A]

Yeah. You would still have no clue. You'd be like weester east. You would have no clue. And it's interesting because I was going to say you would make a great cop. Horrible detective.

[B]

I'd be like, crime scene, this guy got shot in the head. This guy got shot in the head. All the scenes messed up.

[A]

You would create hypotheticals for every situation though.

[B]

So you. That might be good.

[A]

Yeah. Because you would come up with like.

[B]

When we were watching this guy, money. And the reason why he owed him money is because they were both at the strip club and the guy only had a 20. He didn't have any single dollar bill. So then he went to the ATM and got it. I could, I could make it all these up.

[A]

You know what sucks now with me and you watching crime shows like his and hers or whatever it was called. You and I like try to like beat each other out to see who can. We were like, I guessed it first. No, I guess.

[B]

Well, I did guess it first. No.

[A]

No, you didn't. We.

[B]

I said, it's a person, and I. And I held it down.

[A]

I literally got the name right. I go, this is. Was her old name.

[B]

Okay? We're a team, so, yeah, sure. We together. I know the lines you're going to say right afterwards.

[A]

If. If. If I see someone on the street, I bet you I could find out who they are, what their name is, what their Social Security number is before you can.

[B]

Sure. But I could tell you if that.

[A]

Person who would make a better detective for sure.

[B]

Me.

[A]

There's no way. There's no way. You don't have the skills, John. You don't even know how to, like, search someone on Instagram.

[B]

Okay, fine. You're the detective.

[A]

I am, thank you.

[B]

You're the detective who's gonna get murdered trying to figure out who it is. Because your awareness level is so shitty.

[A]

You'd be like, my awareness level?

[B]

Like, I think this is the murderer's house. You're like, no, I know it's murder, John. Yeah, I'm gonna walk in looking for clues, and you're gonna see the murderer right behind you.

[A]

Because the other day when we were. Were at breakfast, our waiter goes, would you like whole wheat regular or rye?

[B]

And I go, sorry, my survival skills didn't kick in because I don't care what bread you were ordering.

[A]

Do you guys have rye? I just ordered it. You dumb. Like, that's what it was. You're not aware of anything.

[B]

When I have to. When I have to have survival skills kick on.

[A]

Snap. See, but that's the problem. You don't know when you have to, you have to always. No, you don't.

[B]

Spidey senses for sure. I know.

[A]

You should have known.

[B]

You get a vibe.

[A]

It should have been on.

[B]

Sorry. Only someone had that talent to vibe.

[A]

That's me. I'm like, something's going on here. You don't. You're. Listen, You're a good. You would be a good cop.

[B]

You're right. You would be a good detective. But it's after the fact we already got in that guy's fucking car. And you're like, something's off. Yeah, us getting in the car was the first problem. And then you're searching his car like, you, Mr.

[A]

Protective. You didn't even say anything. You're just like, oh, you didn't even negotiate the price. Like, do I have to do everything?

[B]

I was like, get me out of the car. I mean, get me in the car. It's so full.

[A]

You didn't even Say like, hold up, Alex. This is.

[B]

I was already strapping Lucy in. I'm like, we're going.

[A]

That's my point.

[B]

My survival skill of weather versus getting murdered was higher.

[A]

So you're a bad detective and you're a bad cop. Both. I'll just take over everything. I'll be Batman and Robin and you'll be Catwoman. Actually, I'll be Catwoman too. You'll be the pedestrian that I'll save.

[B]

I'll be penguin.

[A]

Speaking of penguins, really good show.

[B]

You didn't watch it?

[A]

I didn't. But speaking of penguins, do you know what I'm going to say?

[B]

Happy feet. No.

[A]

Lucy, she does like these little penguin arms now. Her arms, as you're watching, they just go wherever they want. But you know how penguins like slap their arms to their sides? That's Lucy all the time just smacking her arms. Anyway, should we just jump into questions?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

This episode is also sponsored by Parallel. Before I was pregnant, I thought a prenatal was just a prenatal. But once I actually started looking, I was completely overwhelmed. There were so many options, so many opinions and I had no idea what I was supposed to be taking at all these different stages. My body was changing fast, but the vitamins felt one size fits all. That's when I discovered Parallel and it honestly made everything click. They were the first prenatal routine that actually made sense to me. Instead of buying multiple bottles, googling doses and wondering if I was missing something. Parallel gives you everything you need in one daily pack and it changes with you as your pregnancy progresses. Which really made me trust Parallel. It is the first obgyn founded vitamin company. All their products are formulated by an ob GYN using research backed ingredients in doctor recommended doses. When I was pregnant, knowing exactly what I was putting into my body mattered so much and that peace of mind was huge for me. Parallel has trimester specific packs for the first, second and third trimesters and they even have a conception support pack. If you're preparing your body for pregnancy, every daily pack is designed specifically for the stage that you are in, which takes so much of the mental load off. Exclusive for our listeners. New customers can enjoy 20% off their first order with code straight. Visit parallel health.com that is P E R E L E L H E a l t h.com I see you trying to.

[B]

I was like, I can't get it.

[A]

I think that's what I said.

[B]

Parallel Health.com this podcast is also sponsored by Brooklyn Betting. If you listen to the show for a while. You know, Alex and I are both hot sleepers and now add a newborn into the mix. We're not exactly swimming an extra sleep over here, so when we do get the chance to sleep, it has to actually count. That's why Brooklyn Bedding has been such a game changer for us. What I love about it is that you could tell these mattresses are thoughtfully made. They're handcrafted in Arizona, and there's this balance where the bed feels supportive and solid underneath but still comfortable on top. It doesn't trap heat, which is huge for us and it actually helps us stay asleep instead of tossing and turning all night.

[A]

I actually have noticed that where it does feel cool, cooler, it's great than our old mattress.

[B]

Another thing I really appreciate is that Brooklyn Betting understands sleep is a one size fits all Bedding is a real investment and sometimes you don't get exactly right on the first try. That's why their 120 night comfort trial is such a big deal. You actually get time to live with the mattress, see how it works for your body and your sleep habits. And if it's not the right fit, they'll help you swap or return it hassle free. They even have cooling features designed specifically for hot sleepers, which honestly makes such a difference when you're already running unlimited sleep. It feels good knowing we're resting on something built to last and designed to support better sleep. Go to BrooklynBetting.com and use our promo code straight at checkout to get 30% off site wide. This offer is not available anywhere else. That's brooklynbetting.com and promo code straight for 30% off site wide. Support our show and let them know we sent you after checkout brooklynbetting.com promo.

[A]

Code straight this episode is sponsored by no CD. You know how we all have doubts sometimes about our relationships, our choices, ourselves? I mean, that's why you guys write into this podcast. It is totally normal. But imagine if those doubts just never shut up. Like you're constantly questioning whether your partner is really the one replaying every conversation, every look, every text for proof. Or you start avoiding intimacy because certain unwanted thoughts pop up and it makes you feel awful about yourself. Or maybe you're steering clear of social situations altogether because you're just terrified of attraction, jealousy, or what those thoughts might mean. Experiences like that can actually be signs of ocd. And, and because OCD is so misunderstood, a lot of people don't realize it could show up this way. Real OCD isn't about being super organized or liking things clean. It's a serious, highly misunderstood condition where unwanted, distressing thoughts called intrusive thoughts get stuck on repeat. They're often disturbing, taboo and totally out of character. And because they usually target things you care about most, like your relationships, your identity, your health, they're incredibly hard to ignore. To cope with anxiety, people with OCD often feel driven to do certain mental or physical behaviors like seeking constant reassurance or avoiding situations or following rigid routines. The problem is those behaviors only give short term relief and fighting the thoughts just make them come back stronger. The good news? OCD is highly treatable with the right kind of specialized therapy. What works for OCD is ERP therapy or exposure and response prevention, not standard talk therapy, which could actually make things worse. No CD is the world's leading provider of OCD treatment. Therapy with no CD is 100% virtual, covered by insurance for over 155 million Americans and includes support between sessions. So you're never doing this alone. To learn more about starting OCD therapy with no CD, go to nocd.com and book a free call to learn more about how they can help. That's n o c d.com? 1 I'm going back to work after maternity leave and found out that my colleague who is a bit more junior than me, will be starting a new role on another team. She will now be in a higher position than me and I will need to check things with her in our day to day work. She is smart and competent, but has less experience than me and I can't help but think that had I not been on maternity leave, I could have applied for that role and made this jump. Am I the asshole for being upset? Should I just accept it and move on? Because at the end of the day it's about timing and I clearly prioritize my family during these months.

[B]

I get it. I would be an. I would have a hard time listening to somebody who initially was junior than me and then pumped up. That's like if I was in the military right now as a 38 year old and I had a 20 year old barking orders at me, I'd be like, I'm getting court martialed.

[A]

What is court martial?

[B]

Drop down and give me where the military police.

[A]

You're like don't tell me what to do.

[B]

Oh yeah, I'd be like, you're 20 years old. What it would don't like if you.

[A]

And I were like detectives on the scene. And I'm like, hey John, that has.

[B]

Nothing to do with Me.

[A]

Go take that. Go tape this off. Get out of. Get out of here. You're not being helpful.

[B]

Well, but you. I would listen because it's the same thing as, like, when we shot weddings. You'd be like, go set the camera up over there, you fucking idiot.

[A]

I never called you a fucking idiot.

[B]

Did you get a shot? Did you get a shot?

[A]

No, No, I wouldn't. I was abuse, okay? Go to hr. That's also me.

[B]

But I get, you know, your family's your priority. You know, sometimes you. You miss the shots you don't take. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

What is it you're saying, John? You shoot all the shots you don't shit on.

[B]

No, you miss all the shots you don't shoot.

[A]

Exactly. So if I were you, I would just. If, like, getting a promotion is important to you, focus on work. Talk to whoever is higher than you. Not your.

[B]

Because you're back now. You're like, all right, what do I got to do?

[A]

Yeah. And again, you did take some time off. That is well deserved. You did focus on your family, but you also, like, can't expect for other people to see the company, not to keep moving forward.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Next question. I just gave birth to our newborn baby girl in December and don't plan on returning to work. And I'm terrified. My whole life I've wanted to be a mom, especially a stay at home mom. And now that the time is here, I'm having a hard time letting go of what life and my routine looked like before. I know this is just a new routine and I get to do it with my daughter and that it's what I've always dreamed of. But I'm still scared. I'm so thankful for my husband and for the opportunity to stay at home with our daughter. But I can't help but feel guilty about not returning back to work. Do you have any advice for grieving the old workhorse version of myself while stepping into this new version?

[B]

It's a time in your life. It's a shift in your life. So you.

[A]

You made the decision to stay at home. This is a whole new chapter, and this is gonna be new for you, John. She's basically. She's becoming. She's a stay at home mom. She's worked her whole life, and so now she's like, how do I, you know, get over being this old workhorse version of herself while stepping into this new version?

[B]

I'll tell you right now, you're. It's a whole nother job. It is another job, your workhorse at home. Because it's fucking exhausting.

[A]

That's a good way to put it. It's like you're going to be working probably even harder and be more exhausted. My only, my only note that I want to say here first. Just make sure that you know you're set up and taken care of because you just never know. And again, I know every relationship is different and you ever think like, this is going to be me, but to step away and have like of work completely and have live your whole life as a stay at home mom, you just want to make sure that you're good financially.

[B]

Like if you get divorced, you're not over by your husband.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because that's the thing too. It's like if you get to a place where you do want to go back to work once your daughter is in school, you know, like you can, sure, that's fair to like, yeah, do something. And then again if like you want to hire help, but you might end up loving being a stay at home mom and feel like, okay, I did make the right decision, but everything feels scary in the beginning. So.

[B]

So if you are watching your dude's kid, that is a job and you need to be adequately paid for that, compensated for that. And like, yeah, you don't want to get. How many women have been screwed over by like getting a divorce and then they have nothing. Do you know they just passed the law about men, like the fathers have to pay for. I don't know what state it is or if it's everywhere where they have to pay the half, at least half of all medical expenses for baby mamas.

[A]

Well, they should, they should.

[B]

But it was never like legalized. So like if the OB GYN appointments, the, the birth plan, pregnancy, all that stuff, that wasn't part of it before. So that could, that was all just like on the mother. Which is wild.

[A]

Yeah. And that's the thing here as well. And again, this isn't what your question is about. But I'm just like future just like, you know, yeah, you, you love to work. Don't get into. If you still find yourself that you want to go back to work eventually, don't feel like that's not an option. You always can.

[B]

And if you're like me, because I want to get out of that mindset, we spoke about it. Child care is a job and it's a meaningful job. And like me, like getting out of that mindset of fulfillment from that, not like being drained from it, but like you are doing something important because how I talked about like being task oriented and. Yeah, like, because I know you're going from being like a workhorse woman to being at home now. It's like, it's. They're different, but they're similar.

[A]

Yeah. Next question. I have known and pretty much been with my daughter's dad for about 25 years. I moved across the country to be with him after we met in college. We have a beautiful nine year old. We really are each other's best friends and tell each other everything. But we have separated twice before. But we have always found our way back to each other. Over the summer we were not really involved with each other and he briefly hooked up with someone. I knew about it and he was upfront with me. Towards the end of the summer, we got back into our groove. We were spending time together and decided to work on officially getting back together together. The week of Christmas, he got information that the hookup had kept a pregnancy from him for a while. She shared the information when she saw that the two of us were spending time together. He really did not want another child, but he knows he played a part in this and wants to do the right thing. He is trying to support her because he knows he needs to. He has also made it clear that he wants to be with me. I feel very in limbo and just want to know, do I give it time and trust that this will work itself out.

[B]

You guys have been together for 25 years, split twice. It seems like you keep going back to each other, but there's reasons why you split.

[A]

You know, that's what I was gonna say. Like if, where, where is the commitment? After 25 years you have a 9 year old together.

[B]

Get out the pot.

[A]

What is going on? This is just a very elongated breakup really. You know, and I'm not saying that it can't work out, but now he has another kid on the way with someone else and that is also going to involve you if you guys stay together. I just think that like, well, he's.

[B]

Already involved either way because they have the kid.

[A]

Exactly. But I'm saying like, she doesn't have to be as closely related to this now other woman who's going to be involved and yeah, if he's doing the right thing. I'm just like, after 25 years. Yeah. If it's not already working out, like the signs are have been on. I, I don't even say they're on the wall. They've been on the wall.

[B]

So I mean, first off, I Would get a paternity test.

[A]

Oh. If you were the dad.

[B]

She's like, I kept it from you. I'm like, okay, well, fair. Now I want to know. Yeah, Yeah. I mean, you're saying you're in limbo. Yeah. Let's go that route first. Just make sure it's as good first. And then if not.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, 25 years. What are you guys doing?

[A]

I just feel like at this point, you're comfortable and that's probably why. The reason, like, why you probably haven't left yet. Like, you have a daughter with this man. But, like, you keep going back and forth. Why are you in the same cycle?

[B]

I think co parenting at this point might just be the route to go. If you guys are on good terms with each other, keep it that way. Now, adding her in your life is just. You're already, like, having issues with him right now.

[A]

You're even more getting someone else pregnant. You had already split up this year. You've already split up before you. There's no real commitment after the past 25 years. I think it's. I think you know that it's time.

[B]

The best situation, I think, is co parenting. If you guys are cool with each other. Yeah.

[A]

But at the end of the day, you're still going to do what you want to do, so best of luck. Next question. This question is mostly for Alex. After you lost Leo, did you.

[B]

Too bad I'm answering her.

[A]

Find yourself grieving the person you were before you got pregnant. I lost my daughter at 27 weeks last year, and now I'm currently 35 weeks pregnant after a miscarriage and a stillbirth. I'm excited, of course, but I'm also carrying so much grief for my babies, for the parent I imagine myself being, and for the version of me that existed before I knew this kind of heartbreak to grieve the girl who didn't know what was coming, who didn't know this level of loss. These experiences have taken so much from me, and I feel nothing like the person I used to be. I believe this will ultimately make me a better mom, more present, more intentional and deeply grateful for my baby I have worked so hard for. But I also feel like I've lost some of my spirit spark. I worry that I'll be a little less adventurous and fun than I always imagined being as a parent. I'm still trying to navigate all of this and would love to hear how you're navigating, grieving who you used to be while stepping into motherhood. If you've ever felt anything similar. I would say that you also can speak on this because I, I do feel like personally there's a me and you before losing Leo and then there was the after. But personally I did think that I would become more of a, a nervous helicopter mom now. Like with Lucy, like when I was pregnant with her, I was so filled with like anxiety as much as I tried to just like, you know, not stress. I kept thinking like there was going to be another shoe that was going to drop. But then once they're here, it's just so. I don't want to say healing, but it does heal a part of you and you do find your, you feel.

[B]

Guilty to bark back.

[A]

I mean, I think you just have to accept, accept that your experiences from the past did make you to who you are today. And I don't know, like I, I think that going through those things, I only looked at it, even though it was dark and horrible and tragic, it did make us better and better parents. Yeah. I feel like throughout my pregnancy I did have those times where I was like questioning who I would be as a mother. Like would I be able to be, be the joyful, carefree mom that I thought I was going to be with Leo and I wasn't sure. And I think now that Lucy is here, I do have that joy that I thought that I would have, you know, being a mom to Leo. But I think on like an even elevated scale. And I don't think that you have to go through loss or something tragic in order to be a present, more present parent or like more appreciative of your child. But I do think that without experiencing loss, I wouldn't be the parent that I am today. And like I'm thankful for that, as hard as that is to say because like I didn't want to lose Leo. And again, I don't think that you have to go through a loss, but like I'm thankful because now I get to be a more present parent. For Lucy.

[B]

It puts everything in perspective. I think losing Leo has made me just respect the pregnancy journey so much more and, and just know like how much of a miracle it is to have like a healthy kid instead of going into a blind. I mean that's the biggest takeaway.

[A]

Yeah, but I think.

[B]

And relief once she got here. You're being anxious now. Totally understandable.

[A]

But there, no matter what, like you are a changed person. This was a life changing moment. These are life changing things that people experience unfortunately. But I think that, what do they say?

[B]

Take us Take away you losing you're, you're first just you're changing in general from before kids to having a kid in general and like you need to be mentally prepared for that. It does change and just in the time in life that we are, I, I'm just so glad we did it when now in my lifespan than when I was younger. Like I'm not, I don't miss anything. Maybe I miss a little more downtime. That's about it.

[A]

Just being a parent overall you're saying?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So like last part. Yeah, yeah. And again you grow with grief. It's not always going to be dark and heavy. I think around at certain anniversaries, certain dates or certain times that like I'm looking at Lucy, like I will think about, you know, what we did lose. But ultimately there's more joy and happiness than there is sadness. And I think that that's because like we've become so much stronger since then.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But sorry for your loss and congratulations on your newest addition.

[B]

Congrats.

[A]

Next question. My husband and I had our first baby who is now just over a year old. We are so in love with our son and couldn't be happier to be parents. I work in health care. I'm a registered nurse but I've always worked in outpatient or case management settings and I worked very hard for my degree pre baby. I always thought I'd never want to be a stay at home mom. I worked so hard for a career that would offer stability and a decent income to sustain a comfortable lifestyle. I strived for promotions and never minded working long hours. However, now that I have my baby boy, I have never yearned for something more. My husband is supportive of me wanting to stay at home with our son, but we can't afford it long term. I've found that I don't care much about a career at this time. I don't want to miss any moments with my son or any future kids that we may have. How would you navigate becoming someone different career wise after having a baby and the guilt associated with not financially contributing to the household, I feel ashamed for putting my hard earned degree degree on hold and leaving the financial burden to my husband. But my desire to watch my son grow up is unmatched. Any advice is appreciated.

[B]

First off, shout out to all healthcare workers. It is a very, very awarding but hard job. She can't afford to live like survive off her husband's income or is he.

[A]

Gonna have, I don't think long term. And so that's where she's saying, like.

[B]

You know, I don't know what long term is for you. Like, the first year is going to be like, yeah, like you should be involved and like, I totally understandable that you want to be home with your, with your infant. That being said, if you're not financially able to make that work down the road, like, you're going to have to go back to work.

[A]

What I think is so crazy is that reading this question and the one from earlier is no matter what, moms have guilt, like moms or feel some sort of guilt or like pull or confusion no matter what they decide to do, like, if you want to be a stay at home mom or if you are a stay at home mom, you're like, what about my work life? And then if you are working, you're like, now I want to be a stay at home mom. Like, you never. I do think it's hard to find.

[B]

A balance because like, guilt aside, though, guilt aside in this question, this is different. You want to be home with your kid. Totally understandable. If you financially can't do that in your husband, what now he's got to work two jobs, never be home to be with the child, you know what I'm saying? Like, if they can't sustain a life on just his income, you're going to have to go back to work. I don't understand.

[A]

I don't think that's more of the question here though, because she's saying, however, my husband is supportive of me wanting to stay at home with our son, but we can't afford it long term, so maybe she just wants to do it short term.

[B]

That's fine if that's, if that's what it is. But really I think she's like, how.

[A]

Would you navigate becoming someone different career wise after having a baby? And the guilt associated with not financially contributing to the household. That's a personal conversation between you and your husband. Again, like, if you can't afford it and you, this is what you want to do, you figure out ways to make it work. You like downgrade your lifestyle. And yes, I know what you're saying, John, but like, I think she's talking about, like, how do you feel? Like, let's say they can't afford it short term. So she's talking about the short term.

[B]

Okay, how she presented this question, Tell me if I'm wrong. It's, she's, it's talking about temporary. People have maternity leave for up to four months sometimes. Some people do, some companies give that, like, that's temporary what is temporary considered?

[A]

She didn't use the word temporary. You use the word long term. Let's just forget about the money part of it. Because she's just saying like, about navigating, like not wanting to focus on her career anymore.

[B]

I'm just saying, you know, you don't have to think about, you don't have to think about any of that if it's a temporary thing. Like you don't have to change your identity for a temporary.

[A]

But she's just saying like in general, like the guilt of not like contributing to the house and household income. And then like now she was so career focused, now she wants to take care of her kid.

[B]

You don't have, you don't have to. You're good, you're a mother, you're doing a job, you're doing a job.

[A]

I relate to this question because my entire life I was like, hashtag, fuck them kids, put them in daycare, do whatever, get a nanny, focus on career, burn the ship. When Lucy got here, I was like, I only want to take care of her. I want.

[B]

Everyone knows that, like we understand everyone's situation is different. And you have to put kids in daycare. Like, we're not saying anti daycare, anything like that.

[A]

Also you do what you have to do. Like, and again, if you have always wanted to be a stay at home mom, that's a job, that's valid if that's what you love to do. If you have to go back to work and that or you'd want to go back to work. Whatever the fuck you want to do, do it. We support every mom, we support all moms and every mom, no matter what you want to do. My experience was similar to this where that I was like so focused on building my career throughout, throughout. And then once Lucy was here, I was like, I don't want it. I love her so much. I don't want to miss any of these moments. But I will say, having gone back to work sooner than I wanted to, I do think I enjoy it because it does give me a sense of independence and make me feel more like myself. Like when I'm with Lucy, that's all that I care about and I love her so much. But then like, I notice for me, I get, I do forget about myself in those moments. Like, I don't care about working out, I don't care about hanging out with my friends. And then you could like see slowly lose yourself in that. And I do think it's important to like find a healthy balance. So personally I did enjoy while I wanted to just like focus on her and do what I can. We're in a position that we like have the choice if I did want to quit and stay at home. Like, we're very blessed in that situation. But I do like working because it makes me feel more like myself. Because at the end of the day, your kids, when they're 18 or whatever, they're going to go off and live their own lives. Like, you still have to focus on yourself in the first year of your kid's life. Like, obviously not. They need you and whatnot. But like long term wise. So that's where short term, if you want to stay at home and if you can make it work, it's a season of life, do it. They're only young for so long. You could work the rest of your life. That's my take.

[B]

I agree with all that. I'm just gonna hot take here for a second because. Do you, do you think sometimes not saying this question, man, I don't know. I'm gonna say it, whatever. Do you think sometimes moms are like, I have a kid, I'm done working. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I just feel like then it's on the husband for the financial burden to either take on another job or whatever when you could navigate a way of, well, is it more feasible for me to go back to work part time, have the kid in daycare? I just feel like unless that's a discussion had beforehand, I would just be concerned. Like, oh, I don't know, you have a kid now and you're like, you know what? I. My mindset has shifted. I want to stay home with the child and that's great. But then it's like, then the husband's like, oh, all right. I guess that I now need to pick up that financial slack to where now he is constantly working and never getting to spend time with his family. I just think it, you know, I just want, like in this question, I want to look for to the husband a little bit too. Like, even though he's supporting her, like, that's gonna be fucking tough.

[A]

Well, again, if they're able to make it work where he doesn't have to work extra hours.

[B]

Not feasible.

[A]

She said long term, so that might be for. Who knows? Honestly, who fucking cares? Do what you want. Whatever works in your relationship, like, you will figure it out. You downgrade your life. You don't go, you don't rent movies off of Amazon for $18. Every weekend you get three movies. You don't get the snacks. Like, you figure it out. And so that's my point. It's like what you. The conversation that you have with your husband. I don't think that that's what she was asking, though, like, how to financially make it work. She was saying, like, how do you.

[B]

I guess how I hear the question, though, and you can tell me if I'm wrong. It makes me seem like she's already preparing to. Like, that it's not temporary. You know, she's like, I want to be home. This is my new.

[A]

Who cares?

[B]

My new role. And it's like, now she does want to be home.

[A]

And so whatever if it's temporary or not, like, that doesn't matter.

[B]

It does matter, because that's tough, man. Your part. You have a partner. Am I just going off in the hypotheticals?

[A]

Yes, because I think that you're saying you assume that he's going to have to work extra to pick up the slack. Whereas, like, if they are able to cut down financially to make it work and he might not have to work extra, their lifestyle might just change.

[B]

Maybe he doesn't.

[A]

He does get to still come home and spend the same exact time with. And again, then they're not, like, having to give the. Send the kid off to daycare and whatever works in their marriage. Like, maybe he doesn't want his. No, maybe he doesn't want his son. Like, he'd rather his wife stay at home with their child than send him to daycare. Like, every. Everybody's situation is going to be different. And it doesn't mean just because she's not working that he's going to have to work extra. They might just have to downgrade their life for a little bit.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Who knows? Who knows? We really. We didn't get enough information in this question per usual. Next question. I just got married in November 2025. My husband and I have been together for seven years and will be eight years together this April. We met when we were 21 and we're now 29, going on 30. From the beginning, we were total opposites, which is actually what attracted me to him. Growing up, I was a good student, but more on the wild side. I went out, party, drank, smoked, and he was the complete opposite, a homebody who didn't drink or smoke. He was the calm to my storm, and honestly, he helped ground me and slow me down in a good way. Fast forward to now. We're both teachers. This is my fourth year teaching and his third, and we are hustling. We're putting a lot of money aside for retirement, contributing to Roth, ira, saving for a home, et cetera. On paper, we are doing really well. He is responsible, stable and genuinely a good guy. But emotionally, I feel like something is missing. We still live very much like homebodies. We go out to eat, but we don't really do fun things. Just a few local trips. No spontaneous plans, no experiences that feel exciting. On top of that, he's not very romantic. I've told him multiple times that I want flowers, want to feel pursued, and want to feel like the apple of his eye. But I don't feel that way. To be clear, there's no disrespect or infidelity. He's not liking other girls pictures, his social media isn't full of naked women and he's loyal. This isn't about jealousy or insecurity. It's about connection, romance and fun. I'm grateful for the life that we're building, but I also feel like I'm missing joy. I don't feel content even though everything looks right. I've communicated this to him and I still feel stuck, wondering am I asking for too much by wanting more fun, more experiences and more romance.

[B]

So on paper, what I'm seeing is you both are doing the exact same thing. Full amount, full amount, full steam ahead. You, you. Because I'm not sure what you are reciprocating or adding. Now you're kind of wanting him to add more to his plate. Are you as well being romantic? Are you? But like, you can't just be asking someone else to do something. Like, are you doing it as well? I'm such a 50, 50 person. I'm like, you guys, you can't have it all. You guys are grinding right now to get a house. Whatever. I'll be fucking burnt out too, man. We're hustling. You're in hustle mode, you're not in romance mode and whatever, you can't have both. I like, I don't see you having both.

[A]

I mean, but you both have to be putting energy and effort into it. Like if you want to do a date night, like you can plan. And again, maybe this guy sounds shot. Maybe you are planning date nights or maybe you are also planning fun experiences.

[B]

But based off of that, she's not. So go off of just that she wants him to pursue her. I'm like, you gotta be understanding here.

[A]

I think a lot of times too, we get stuck and we put the blame on our partner for the way that our lives look. If you want to go do fun experiences. Go do them, plan them, book them. Like, there's no reason why him not.

[B]

Being like, I'm not expecting you to. To do something unless I want to do it, right?

[A]

Like, when I think, like, if I see other people out and they're like, out to dinners or out at the aquarium or, like, on vacations, I don't think, damn, John, I'm not gonna do it to do this for me. But the romance part, like, sure, but again, to your point, are you doing romantic gestures? Like, I can't get mad at John for not booking romantic dates for me or, like, getting me flowers if I'm not out here reciprocating and doing those things for you as well?

[B]

The shitty thing here, though, is, like, we understand the hustle. We haven't stopped hustling. And that's the problem. You have to have an on switch at some point. So, like, I get that you need to set time aside, but you both contribute to. Okay, listen, I know you want to go somewhere, and, like, we have to file this. We're going to. On Friday this week. We're going out of town. We're doing something just because we're so much more partners than, like, we don't do surprise. Like, we're partners. Like, this is what we're gonna do. We're gonna enjoy this time. We're gonna go do this and just, like, communicate that. But, like, I wouldn't put that on him. If you guys are grinding.

[A]

Well, I mean, it's kind of like when I've seen now having a child, a lot of people say, mimic the actions that you want to see your kids do. So if you don't want them to have screen time, if you don't want them to eat treats, don't be eating treats in front of them. Like, you can't expect someone to do a behavior that you're not willing to do. So if you're not willing to do something, how can you expect him? Maybe just, like, show him how you want to be treated and treat. You know what I'm. Does that make sense? Like, just, like, start to, like, lean into the things that you're interested in doing, and then it will help him feel like he can follow again.

[B]

Your feelings are justified. But, like, what if he was feeling that way? You know, like, just talk to your partner.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

It's kind of. That kind of annoys me a little bit, though.

[A]

I think, again, just, you get into a boring. It's very easy. And this isn't just you. It's very easy to get into a boring groove with each other. That's why you really do have to schedule.

[B]

It's in time. It's unfortunate becoming adults. Like, yeah, is this the best time of life? My healthiest I've ever been. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like that spontaneity is gone.

[A]

But that was even before we had Lucy. Like, we, we lost. And I think that really happened because we built our business. Like, we didn't just, we were, we were so focused on growing the company that we weren't like, let's just.

[B]

I miss times of being young when like you just get to go, just freely do whatever, scrounge for money, all get together, hang out, whatever, whatever. But then I, like, I don't miss that time. At the same time, like, I don't want to be that person.

[A]

I think it feels very nostalgic though. Like looking back, like, was it because we were stressed then? Just unhealthy.

[B]

Yeah, whatever. Next question.

[A]

I am a 25 year old female and my husband is 29. We've been married for exactly one year. I have a very high sex drive and I thought my husband did too. At the beginning of our relationship, we usually have amazing, passionate sex. About six months into dating, my husband's sex drive basically disappeared. We rarely have sex now. When I ask about it, he gets irritated and says he's under a lot of stress. At work, I'm so sexually frustrated that I've booked hair appointments at the salon just so someone can touch me. Not in a sexual way, but just because I crave touch. On average, we have sex about once a month, if I'm lucky. A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I got into a huge argument and I went into the bedroom to isolate for a bit while he stayed out on the couch. When I later walked into the living room to talk to him, I found him touching himself while watching something on his phone. He jumped up when he saw me and acted as though I caught him cheating. He brushed it off and said it was nothing, that he had been in the mood. And then when we got into a fight, he had to deal with it, so I let it go and ignored it. But it happened again last night and this time he didn't know that I saw him. He came home from work stressed and was on the phone with his boss for two hours. I went to bed and he came in being very touchy and flirty. He touched me, kissed me and then walked out and lied on the couch to answer emails. That's when I Walked out and saw him doing it again without him noticing me. I feel incredibly insecure now. He says it's not my fault and that his sex drive is just low. But I don't believe it. Now when we do have sex, it doesn't last long because he goes soft. I've been considering divorce over this. Is that too harsh to think about over something like this? I've never thought I'd consider leaving someone over sexual. I love him, but I feel disgust and shame after all of this. How do I go about addressing this issue? Is divorce an option or am I an asshole for even thinking about it?

[B]

Give it to me straight special.

[A]

Go for it. John.

[B]

This is. How many times have we had this question? Oh, this is a very similar question.

[A]

It's been a while since we've answered it, but I think like, good news.

[B]

There'S dick pills, hashtag 20% off with hims.

[A]

But why do you think.

[B]

Why listen to our ads later?

[A]

Why do you think though that he is like more willing to watch porn on the couch than have sex with his wife? Like, why is that a thing?

[B]

Could be easier. Could be like stress induced, performance induced. Maybe he's like. I mean there's all types of things. I'm not giving him an excuse, but like to make your relationship go smoother. Yeah. You gotta smash more than once a month so you don't hate each other. Is he just watching porn or is like. What is she saying he's watching? What? What is he watching?

[A]

I'm assuming porn? Or like he's.

[B]

Or is he like FaceTiming someone?

[A]

No, I wouldn't. I don't think so. I don't know. She said watching something on his phone, so I'd assume something.

[B]

Have you talked? Well, I guess she has talked to a.

[A]

For give it to me straight special. John, you really don't have any good answers.

[B]

Cuz I'm like, I'm bored with this question because we've answered it so many times. Like do you need a divorce? No. Do you need to communicate? Yeah. What can be done if you're going soft? Take a dick pill. Is it going to help out in the bedroom? Do whatever it takes to, to help each other out.

[A]

But he doesn't seem like he's interested. Like he's.

[B]

So is he not motivated to please his wife or like make her happy? I just like want to. For me it's like I want to do whatever it takes to like make my partner happy. It's gonna make my life fucking easier.

[A]

But I think that that's where this question like actually boils down to, does.

[B]

He care about you?

[A]

Yeah. It's like you've expressed multiple times that this is like you need physical touch. That's what you want. I don't know how long you were together before you got married. You've been married now for a year. Sex is important. And if it's important to you, like without physical touch, I would consider getting divorced over that. If you're hu. If my husband. If you were touching yourself and not having sex with me and knowing that I have a high sex drive or I'm just wanting some physical interaction and you're off doing it yourself. Yeah. I would consider leaving you over that.

[B]

I think the bottom line is he's not. He doesn't care about your feelings.

[A]

Yeah. And it's not doing anything about it deeper than that. It's like a lack of respect for you and then like you're lacking that intimacy.

[B]

How many though? I guess it is a give it to me straight special because how many times is a guy saying, oh, it's not you. I just have like, I don't feel like it's so much deflecting. It's so much. And you're not getting to the root of the problem. You're not addressing it. The sooner you address it. And I think it's just embarrassing for a lot of guys. They just don't want to admit like whether it's low libido or whatever it is. Like, go see a doctor, do something about, figure out what the problem is or all you're doing is making shit.

[A]

Worse and maybe explain that to him. Just be like, you're not making this any better. You're making this worse.

[B]

You think you playing yourself is helping me out at all?

[A]

Yeah. You're driving a wedge into our relationship.

[B]

Stop talking. Flick my bean. Like, what the fuck, dude?

[A]

Like, it costs nothing to flick my bean. Take your time.

[B]

Well, some effort probably.

[A]

Hardly.

[B]

That's what it comes down to.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Next question. I'm a first time mom to my son who is now five months old. I had an incredible pregnancy overall and truly felt like I stepped into my feminine. During that time. I felt beautiful, deeply loved by my partner, powerful, and so excited to meet my baby. My partner and I were closer than ever the day my son was born. The birth itself went well, but almost immediately afterwards it felt like a switch flipped. I was suddenly overtaken by a jarring sense of lost identity. I was overwhelmingly in love with my son, but simultaneously experienced experiencing intense anxiety and grief for my former self. I could barely sleep or eat in the hospital because I was hyper focused on caring for him and terrified of doing something wrong. Looking back now, I realize I didn't allow myself to fully soak in the beauty of those early moments. In the weeks and months that followed, my partners and my relationship became strained. Neither of us had ever cared for a newborn before, so we were learning as we went. But it felt deeper than just inexperienced. I lost myself while also knowing without a doubt that motherhood is exactly what I was meant for and that I would do absolutely anything for my child. That included hovering over every move that my partner made when caring for him. Some of my concerns were valid, like him not knowing how to do certain things yet, or not recognizing safety issues such as properly buckling our son into the swing. But I became so overbearing that it eroded our relationship. Eventually, my partner pulled back from helping with the baby altogether out of fear of being micromanaged. I understand now how much that hurt him. At the same time, his withdrawal created an even bigger rift. I felt isolated, as though I was caring for our son entirely on my own unless I explicitly asked for help. From the very first night, he never got up with the baby, never offered to feed him or change diapers, and only let me rest in the mornings. Eventually, I told him how resentful I felt. His life seemed to continue largely unchanged, playing video games at night, waiting for dinner to be ready, talking on the phone with friends for hours on Sundays while my entire life and identity had been turned upside down. I was angry because it felt like the weight of parenthood felt almost entirely on me. My question is this. If you were in my shoes, how would you approach these emotions with your partner in a way that fosters understanding? I recognize that I have personal work to do and at five months postpartum, my anxiety and postpartum depression have improved significantly. Still, I need a partner who truly understands what my body and mind go through during pregnancy, birth and postpartum. With especially as we consider having more children, I cannot continue to feel like the entire burden will fall on my shoulders or that I'm simply expected to handle all the night feeds, diaper changes and emotional labor for future babies. It's also important to note that we don't live near family, we move states for his job, so our village is just the two of us.

[B]

It's nice that you like understand looking back because you have to let your partner figure things out on his own, like learn through doing safety part I get if it's safety thing. You need to, you know, correct them. And so he knows how to do it. But micromanaging your partner is surefire way to get him to stop helping you.

[A]

Both of us have dealt with that. Like just where if I'm doing something or if you're doing something and we see each other not doing it the way that like we would do it.

[B]

No, that doesn't bother me. It's the safety thing. Like if we.

[A]

Oh, right.

[B]

No, just a safety thing.

[A]

Like, you know, that's what I mean though. Like seeing that like for example, like you walking away when like Lucy is very clearly like, fine. I'm like, you left her alone with like a stuffed animal near her. What if the wind blew and it fell on her face? You know, like, those are the things.

[B]

But you do the same thing. That's what I'm like. That's irrelevant. You leave her on the, you leave her on the mat too. That's what I'm like.

[A]

Right, whatever.

[B]

So that being said, the what I don't like about your partner doing it doesn't matter whether you reprimanded him or not and he pulls away. You're still a dad. You're not gonna. So what, you're going to reprimand your partner by, by, by being like, well, it. She could do the whole thing and I'll just.

[A]

Oh, you're, you're saying from him reprimand.

[B]

So you're not. Yes.

[A]

Yeah, but I thought you meant like her reprimanding.

[B]

No, he's like reprimanding her by being like, oh, you don't, you don't think I could do this? I'm incomplete. I'm not going to help you. So now I'm going to deflect or I'm going to, I'm going to pull in and I'm just going to do my own thing. Like, you're a fucking grown ass man. You don't get to do that whether you're happy or not happy. That goes for either partner. Say the husband was reprimanding the mom for not doing stuff, right? You don't get to just, you don't get to just be like, well, fuck it, I'm hands off. I'm not doing anything. It doesn't matter. You both have a kid together. You have to pull your own weight. Talk about it. Dude, you. That would piss me off either way. Like, I understand that. I micromanage you. I'm sorry. You don't get to just leave me in the trenches by myself. It doesn't matter. Grow the fuck up. Because we want to rip each other's heads off once in a while. It doesn't matter though. It doesn't matter because by the end of the day I'm, we're making sure we're back on the same page. I will never leave you to just watch Lucy on your own. I'm way, I feel way too guilty whether I was right or wrong and be like, I still need to show up, show up.

[A]

But I think again, we've always like operated as a team and that's. I think that the difference is that a lot of people don't and I'm not. Doesn't matter. I understand.

[B]

You're grown ass adults. You don't get to do that.

[A]

Right?

[B]

You don't get to do that.

[A]

But I think though, traditionally a lot of people just like, they're like, well, I don't know, they use the weaponized incompetence. They're like, well, I am a bad, I am a bad dad because I don't know how to change a diaper as good as. And when I, whenever I do it, I do it wrong. So I'm just not going to do it at all. Like that is not. But how would you then recommend that she communicates this to her partner?

[B]

Viciously.

[A]

Number one, I will also say, do not have another child until you figure this out because this will only lead to more resentment and this will only lead to more on your plate.

[B]

And that's like someone being like, let's have a kid to make our marriage better.

[A]

But like, unless you do get to the root of this, continuing to add to what is only going to stress you out more is not going to resolve any of this. So. But what would your, what would your advice be on addressing her husband?

[B]

Get the fuck up on Sunday, he's on the phone with his boys and you're feeding your kid, you're making dinner, you're doing all this stuff. I wonder how this got the, the, the willpower and, and mental fortitude. This guy has to just sit there, watch it. Can you imagine me sitting there watching TV while you're holding Lucy, making dinner in the room like, like I'm watching you do it and I'm not.

[A]

Honey, I worked all day. You were just home with the baby. Like, let me relax. I worked all day.

[B]

That's what I bet you that now that wouldn't be his response.

[A]

Who knows? I think it could be some response.

[B]

Would be. And minus two would, minus two. If you were to have an argument. Be like, you tell everything I do is wrong. You told me everything I do is wrong, so I'm just going to sit here. The spiteful way of doing something. Now tell me how you feel. Like, it doesn't matter that I bitch at you or not. Get the fuck up.

[A]

And I think, too, that you recognize that, like, micromanaging did hurt him.

[B]

Or like, you know, I would start with apologizing.

[A]

Yeah. And just be like, listen, like, we both have things that we need to work on. And I think that that's ultimately where communication is going to be the most effective, is when you both take down your walls. You both understand where you had wrongs and how you can improve. And so that's where I.

[B]

Yes, sure. Yes, definitely. That's what you. You both should be doing. It doesn't matter though, bro. Step it up. Step up. Take the baby from. Be like, I got this. You can even tip for tat if you want to. Be like, you can micromanage me, you want, but I'm going to swaddle this baby. How I'm going to swaddle this baby. You're still there.

[A]

You show up to the husband.

[B]

No, the husband saying that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Whether you want to stick it in her ass or not, you're still contributing. You don't get to shut off. That's what I'm saying. Like, whether you're mad or not or whatever, you want to get even. That's fine. Still help out. But, like, I'm going to. I'm going to contribute.

[A]

I wonder, though. And again, that's where weaponized incompetence can come in, where, like, people purposely do things wrong so that they know, like, no longer have to do those tasks. Like, I am just so bad at folding her clothes, you know? So, like, I'm like, I can't do it.

[B]

But that's still such, like, a immature, like, dude, you can't do that, especially.

[A]

When you have a family. Like, I just don't understand when people don't want to make their partner's lives easier. Like, we both want to enjoy downtime with one another. And so it is figuring out who's doing what during the day.

[B]

Cool. We're going to toot our own horns for a second. Let me tell you about bath time. This is exactly how bath time goes down in our house. You want to learn? You want to know? You want to know? Learn, learn. No, you got to learn. Today, successful team works. Boom. 6:30, it's bath time. Alex goes in, turns the water on, gets that temperature just right for little Lucy. I take Lucy into the bedroom, unclothe to diaper, tickle her, say it's bath time, enjoy a little dance and song and dance. Boom. Bring her into the, to the bathroom, lift her up, do my Simba thing, put her in the water, Alex takes over. Once Alex takes over, bath time, she does shampoo, all that stuff. I go, I get the towel, I get her onesie ready, I get the, the diaper ready with the cream. Boom. Come back, we dry her, Alex takes her, lotions her up, puts the diaper on, puts the. You're cleaning the onesie on. I'm in the bathroom now, cleaning the tub. Boom. Tubs done, we get together, fucking story time. Boom. Bedtime. And then she doesn't sleep through the.

[A]

Night, but you know, while I'm feeding her, then you're cleaning the kitchen from dinner. It's like we're both doing things to have the most downtime, but that's how we don't resent each other, is because we're both working, both have to do.

[B]

You have to do.

[A]

And let's just say like, you know, yeah, your husband did or your partner did have a long day at work and like they want to relax. You haven't relaxed either. It's like you're at home with the kids, like you're both working, like you both want to chill together. So the quicker that you could get all this shit done, the quicker that you get to just enjoy each other's time.

[B]

I think it really puts it in perspective if the other person has been in the shoes of the other person. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like one day Alex and I got in a fight and then she was like, you do bath time, for example. It was a horrible experience for me. I'm like, I understand how hard doing bath time is because I thought I had to go to the hospital for my back, but like have him watch the kids for a day and you, I don't know, make money somehow for a day, Go work, do something for one day so he knows what's going on.

[A]

That TikTok, it was a girl who posted a video and she was like, oh my God, so funny. Like my husband, I go on a work trip or a girls trip, whatever, for four days. I come back, my kids, their hair hasn't been brushed, they haven't eaten in real meal in three days, the dishes haven't been done. Hahaha. People were like, that's abuse. Like your husband is actually abuse. Like you, he can't Brush your daughter's hair. He can't change their outfits. Like, if your kid goes to school with a huge mat in the back of their head, like CPS is getting called, your husband is doing the actual bare minimum and he's abusing your children and you think that's cute. And so in situations like this, look at who you're. It's. You have a child with this. You're married. But like people who are maybe single, look at your partner. Are they a competent person and do they show up as a teammate? Because this is how they're going to show up when you have kids.

[B]

No. It makes me think that you're not competent if you actually get with that person.

[A]

Person.

[B]

So neither one of you are competent. You're like this. You know, this person. I'm gonna start a family with this person. It's a great idea.

[A]

I don't know. I just.

[B]

Next question.

[A]

I need some advice on how to handle an awkward situation. I have a best friend whom I love dearly, and we used to spend a lot of time together when we lived in the same city. In the past, she would come over to hang out with me and my husband for dinners while her husband was away traveling. This happened often as her husband's job required him to be away most of the time. During that period, she and I grew even closer and she and my husband also developed their own friendship, which meant so much to me. It's so awesome when your two favorite people get along so well. My husband and I have gone on a few double dates with my friend and her husband when he was in town, which were fun for me, but not for my husband. He does not find my friend's husband enjoyable and has described him as difficult to be around. My husband has tried to include him in conversations, on double dates, at parties, and even at our wedding, but he feels that nothing ever came from it. He believes my friend's husband doesn't actually like us because he rarely talks when we all get together and doesn't make much of an effort to connect. I'll admit that my friend's husband isn't the easiest person to talk to. He's pretty quiet and not exactly a fun time, but I don't find him unbearable. A few months ago, my friend and her husband moved to a different city, which has been sad for the both of us. While we stay connected, virtually being together in person means a lot. Recently, they made plans to visit our city to see see us and other friends and family. She asked if we could plan some One on one time together and also arrange a double date. When I asked my husband about making the double date work, he refused to go. He explained that he has tried many times to make things work with my friend's husband and isn't willing to spend time with someone who doesn't make any reciprocal effort. On one hand, I understand that our husbands aren't a great match, but on the other hand, I feel like it would be harmless to go on another double date, especially since they now live in a a different city and we rarely get to see them. The most awkward part is how excited my friend is to spend time with both me and my husband because she genuinely likes him. And now I have to figure out how to tell her that only the two of us can see each other. Part of me feels upset with my husband for not being more flexible and willing to do this for me and my friend. We all have couple friends where not everyone is a perfect match, but you could usually make it work for one night. Not to mention, my friend and her husband live far away and it's unlikely they'll come back for a visit visit anytime soon. What are your thoughts on this? Is my husband being unreasonable or am I expecting too much?

[B]

You always have to do something in a relationship you don't want to do, you know, but that said, you can always just hang out with her and just be like, he's. He's sick. Make lie.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Why torture him for what you're gonna have? Are you gonna have more? You're gonna have more fun one on one or at a double date, if you get to spend time with your. You have one chance to hang out with your girlfriend one time. Would you rather do one on one verse one or two v two?

[A]

Yeah. I mean, I just know being with you, I'm never gonna make you do something that you actually don't want to do.

[B]

I'm gonna show it. Yeah. You know, not. Not on purpose, but like, dude, I can't help my face.

[A]

So if I'm on a double date with, you know, John actually wants to be there or he won't show up again, like, the next time, and then I will. Like, there's been so many situations that I can think of with girlfriends whose husband's like, they're like, let's all get together. And I'm like, maybe let's just go get a coffee. That's because my husband doesn't want to have more fun. Yeah, you're going to. Oh, well.

[B]

And again, that is rude though. Like, I get that, that's a cop out on, on my end. Like if you were like, no, like I really want you to come. Yeah, I'll go. But I'm like, is this something where you really want me to come or.

[A]

You do really care because roles reversed. Think about it. If it's a one off, fine. But if it's like continuous and so for this situation where they're just kind of coming out from out of town, like, do like I, if I was you, I'd be, I, I would feel the same way as you do. I'd be like, just do it once. Like they're, they're not in town for a while.

[B]

The only difference between me and this guy is like, he's made an effort to try to be friends with this person so many times. So like I give, I respect that guy because I would never give that amount of. After one shot and didn't go up, like, well, that's done. What I'm saying, like her husband is the one being genuine.

[A]

Right?

[B]

You know what I mean? He's like done it multiple, multiple times and the guy's just like, nah.

[A]

And that's where I think that you kind of have to put yourself in your husband's shoes here. And if like you try to be friends with this girl multiple, multiple times. But again, what's a dinner. But time is. It's your time. Like if you would rather chill on the couch and do something for those few hours, then go to dinner with our.

[B]

A little different for us though too is you and I run each other 247 so it's no spilled milk of like, you want to get out. Yeah, just get out. I get it. Go do your.

[A]

I don't need to be around these wives or you don't need to be around my friends husbands that you don't enjoy.

[B]

But I feel still spending time with each other. But I mean like you can, we're around each other all the time. You can get out.

[A]

But I feel like the majority of those situations, they're like people who we've been friends with for a long time. We both genuinely like get along with like those couples.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I feel like the times when it's separate, it's like if it's just my friend who you have no tied to at all. Like if I'm friends with someone and you're also friends with that person, you're likely friends with their partner or can tolerate them enough also, I mean, I'm.

[B]

A very good judge of character. I know when these people are bad Vibes, Alex. Takes a while.

[A]

Yeah, that is true. Whatever. Better late than never, you know? Cut, cut, snip, snip.

[B]

All right, cool. That it?

[A]

Is that it? No.

[B]

Did we.

[A]

So how. What I think you both are valid here is basically what it is.

[B]

I think. Yeah. I think you can ask them. Explain to them, hey, they're. They're only here. But if your husband's like, honestly, no, I've done it so much, you should be like, okay, yeah, really. However it ends up, both, you should be okay with it.

[A]

And do you enjoy her husband? Like, as long as you're getting quality time with your friends, that's what matters, you know, like if you're not besties with her husband, want to hang out.

[B]

With your girlfriend, just the two of you, and not have to worry about your husband being annoyed or what.

[A]

Yeah, sometimes I'd rather just have girl time anyway, too. But I understand, like, wanting to.

[B]

I do like girl time gossip. Like, I'm.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

I'm down for that. I'm all about the tea, the drama. I'd rather be hanging out with the girls, doing that versus, like a sporting event because I don't give a about that. So boom. Take that how you will.

[A]

Your friend. Yeah.

[B]

Questions are done. I don't have a wreck. You guys. Shit.

[A]

We ask now. We ask for racks. We're done giving wrecks.

[B]

I'm also not giving a life hack ever again.

[A]

Yeah, well, that was the worst pro tip I've ever heard.

[B]

Black coffee.

[A]

Yeah, no one wants black coffee.

[B]

I do. Boring. Oh, you know what I want to wreck, though? An alternative to Splenda stevia.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

That actually tastes like Splenda. They don't all nothing tastes like Splenda. I want a Splenda alternative stevia, not monk fruit. Not the pink bag, not the blue bag. None of them taste like Splenda. So there's got to be something I don't know about.

[A]

I think like everything that you named are the other. It's not a life Hack.

[B]

Wreck. Hack. Yeah.

[A]

I just want more books that aren't trash for Lucy's library, that are easy to read but have a good story.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And some that are short, you know, because I feel like sometimes she gets a little bit fussy while we're mid and we.

[B]

There's some long kid books. I'm like, bro, who the. The reading these, like 40 page books that are like paragraphs long on each page. Let's just make our own. I'm starting to think, like, I know who's letting these people print these books?

[A]

I guess anybody can. Should we. What should Our children's book. What should we make it about?

[B]

I don't know. We'll. We'll think of it, though. Anyways, guys, that's it. Like, subscribe, email, comment, do all the things.

[A]

If you want to follow us, you can find us at Give a ticket me straight podcast everywhere on the socials. If you have an anonymous question, you can send it in our show notes or on our website. I think that's it. We'll see you guys next week.

[B]

Ciao. Ciao.

[A]

Bye. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.