ADVICE FOR WOMEN IN THEIR 2O'S PART 1 | Good For You #337

Summary

Good For You with Whitney Cummings — Episode #337: ADVICE FOR WOMEN IN THEIR 20'S PART 1
Release Date: April 6, 2026
Host: Whitney Cummings

Episode Overview

In this candid and uproarious solo episode, comedian Whitney Cummings takes listeners through the wild terrain of life advice for women (and people) in their twenties. Eschewing traditional “don’t do this” warnings, Whitney champions a philosophy of experience, trial, error, and self-discovery. With her signature wit, irreverence, and a healthy serving of personal anecdotes, she touches on adulting’s pitfalls—from relationships and self-image to careers, questionable decisions, and the allure of tube tops. This is the first half of a two-part advice series.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Scam of Your 20's: Nobody Listens to Advice

[02:01] – [04:44]

• Whitney opens by reflecting on the chaos and emotional messiness of the twenties, admitting that "no one listens" to advice at that age.
• Emphasizes that monumental life lessons come from first-hand mistakes, and that’s foundational to growing up.

“You need to feel the impact yourself. On your face, on your collagen. You will see very quickly that the wrong decision just starts aging you.” – Whitney [03:49]

Experience It All (Badly, If You Must)

[04:44] – [07:10]

• Advice isn’t to avoid mistakes, but to go “do them with aplomb”—date wrong people, make questionable wardrobe decisions, allow yourself to be naive, and learn the genuinely hard way.
• Amusing safety tip: buy men's muddy work boots to leave outside your place to deter creeps.

On Marriage: Just Get It Over With If You Want

[07:12] – [12:13]

• Contrary to the typical advice to avoid marrying young, Whitney’s take is tongue-in-cheek: “Do it. Do it. Dude, do it.”
• Asserts that warnings rarely work—telling someone they shouldn’t be with a partner in their twenties actually cements the bond.
• Suggests every successful woman has “a husband/assistant type in their twenties” who they “mentally destroyed.”
• Nuanced point: getting married (or not) isn’t the issue, but being regular in your personal life allows you to be “violent and original in your work.”

“The idea of going up to girls in their 20s and being like, don’t get married—do it. Okay, I don’t do it. When did anyone ever break up with someone because someone told them not to?” – Whitney [08:22]

• Practical advice: “Get a prenup... put the dog in the prenup... Make sure you want to live another 20 years before you get a Chihuahua.” [09:54]

Know Your Dog (and Yourself)

[10:57] – [11:47]

• Only get a dog suited to your lifestyle. It’s unfair to both you and the pet.

Wedding Realities: If Parents Pay, It's Their Party

[11:48] – [13:40]

• If your parents pay for your wedding, accept that “there will be a person at your wedding with a bird,” and it’s not really your event.

Fashion Fails: Bangs, Jeans, & Tube Tops

[13:41] – [15:00], [41:38] – [43:16]

• “Just get the bangs. Do it while you still have the energy to fist-fight your forehead every morning.”
• Date weird people (the DJ, the Blue Man Group understudy, the “app guy”), get the silly haircut, wear the risky jeans—but get it out of your system now.
• Tube tops are a liability: “I don’t think the tube top ever changed the course of someone’s life... tank top is fine, it’s just as sexy, if not sexier.” [42:50]

Relationships: Change Yourself, Not Him

[21:44] – [27:48]

• The “romantic comedies were toxic for men too” theory—nobody is emotionally mature in their 20s.
• Instead of putting in energy to change partners, accept that both parties are “figuring it out.”
• “Don’t be a mom to a guy. It’s gross. Your mom didn’t even hit it out of the park.” [27:49]
• Most self-help authors “will be in prison by the time you’re 30.” [27:02]

On Sending Nudes: Pragmatics & Power

[29:00] – [29:44]

“Crop your head out of your nudes, for god’s sakes. Don’t send them at all. But if you must, crop your head out.” – Whitney [29:00]

• Sending nudes is rarely empowering and generates needless anxiety.

On Drinking and Addiction

[29:44] – [33:55]

• Don’t confuse alcoholism with fun: “Alcoholics are the only people who believe that they deserve to be having fun all the time.”
• Be mindful that “addiction is not a choice,” and don’t make major life decisions while drinking.

Physical & Mental Health: Real Talk

[33:55] – [40:00]

• Pre-gaming isn’t a personality replacement: “Let’s just call it ‘let’s de-dork at my place and head to the party.’"
• Anxiety and ADD: “If you don’t have anxiety, like—you’re a dud.”
• "Don’t take advice from people who don’t have the life you want... Don’t take advice about marriage from single people.” [35:20]
• Have some real skills—be someone who could teach or coach something practical.

Life (and Looks) Logistics

[40:03] – [41:38]

• Eyebrows: “Leave your eyebrows alone. They were made to make your face better. You have too much face.”
• Dating as a business decision; sleep on your back for your skin; if you have ADD/OCD, “take the win.”
• Don’t wear clear bra straps—they are always visible.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “No one can tell you anything in your 20s. No one could tell me not to date that guy, or not to be friends with that girl, or to not wear those platform heels down the snowy embankment…” – Whitney [04:44]
• “If you’re in your 20s, stay at the bar until two... see what hepatitis pirate wants to walk you home...” – Whitney [06:30]
• “Just get bangs. Rip the Band-Aid off…let’s do it in your 20s while you have the energy…” – Whitney [13:52]
• “I think it’s funny to spend your tight skin years at City Hall.” – Whitney [08:37]
• “Get a prenup. Even if you have nothing, get a prenup. Because when you have someone take your nothing, that’s when you realize it was kind of something.” – Whitney [09:41]
• “Date the DJ... and you’ll realize, oh, all he’s doing is playing other people’s music. It’s like wanting to date a valet because he drives a nice car.” – Whitney [14:27]
• “If you don’t have anxiety, you’re a dud.” – Whitney [36:36]
• “I could not do anything that I do if I didn’t have OCD... If you see me on tour in an airport, I am in a full conversation with myself, counting.” – Whitney [41:24]
• “Don’t wear clear bra straps. We can see them.” – Whitney [41:46]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:01] - The scam of your 20's and advice no one takes
• [04:44] - Embracing mistakes and messy experiences
• [07:12] - Wedding and marriage advice; do it if you want, but with wit
• [13:41] - Bangs, style regrets, and just getting it over with
• [21:44] - Relationship wisdom & redefining emotional labor
• [29:00] - On sending nudes: “Crop your head out!”
• [29:44] - Drinking, party culture, and addiction
• [35:20] - Avoid advice from the wrong sources
• [41:38] - Physical/mental health hacks; tube top laments
• [43:16] - Tease for Part 2 coming next week

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Tone & Style Summary

Whitney’s delivery is sharply comic, confessional, self-deprecating, and direct. The tone ranges from raucous to heartfelt, always unfiltered and never preachy. She encourages young women to “find out for themselves,” make mistakes, and avoid taking anything—including her advice—too seriously.

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Next Week

Whitney promises even more practical, “thoughtful” (but inevitably hilarious) advice in Part 2.

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Useful for anyone who wants real talk about surviving—and thriving—in the wild, weird jungle of your twenties.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, y', all, it's me. The fact that I am about to do an episode on giving people advice in their 20s when I still do not know how to start a podcast, it is shocking.

[B]

Action.

[A]

Ah. See, you know what? I do believe that I am uniquely qualified to change your life with my episode because I know my weaknesses, and I have told Pat. Pat, I'm awkward. I do this for a living. I'm great in front of an audience. That's what I'm trained to do. But I'm in a guest room in my house, and when I'm not in front of an audience, I'm lost. When I'm not trying to make drunk strangers like me, people whose approval I mean, their own children don't care what they think of them. And I. And I want them to love me. And I know that for me to turn on the show pony, I need an action. Okay, Pavlov's dog. Google it.

[B]

You had an encounter with a mentalist a long time ago.

[A]

Is that what it was?

[B]

And it hasn't worn off. You were hypnotized.

[A]

I did used to hire this one mentalist for all my girlfriend's bachelorette parties. And there's a couple things I still can't figure out.

[B]

Why you keep clucking every time you

[A]

get out of that car. He did a couple things that just, like, are pissing me off. Those people pissed me off. Yeah, it's a human to me human version of a horror movie, but also, like, let me make you feel dumb.

[B]

Yeah, it's like. Well, like, the psychic trick is always the one that's that disgusting. You lost somebody and their name starts

[A]

with M. And if you don't think my mom would, I mean, snap up out of her grave to talk to an alive psychic to just make me feel bad, you are sorely mistaken. Okay, Whatever telekinesis that she's been working on down there order to find a way, the mentalist is just like, she's telling me, you should wear more lip gloss. I'm like, that's her. I mean, that's her. That's her. I actually kind of was all over the place when I was jotting down notes for advice episode for not just girls, but people in their 20s. Because I'm. I'm. Maybe it's my emotional dyslexia. I was asking people, I was like, what should I include in the advice episode for people in their 20s? And everyone's like, don't get married. It was all the things of not to do. And I'M so like, no, do all those things and learn on your own because you're never gonna listen to advice. So I feel like I'm fully going into this knowing you're not gonna take any of this advice because you're in your 20s, so by nature. But maybe some of this will resonate. And look, if you are in your 20s and you're watching this, let me first just open with, I am so sorry your 20s is such a scam. I am. I. My heart breaks for you. I am sorry all over the place. I mean, if you get through your 20s, laughing even once or twice, that is a huge victory. It's mo. It's a lot of crying. It's going to be a lot of worrying. So much puking and trying to find your debit card. Or honestly, I was thinking about it because I was like, oh, I have all this advice. Then I was like, well, there's a couple of things that are different than when I was in my 20s. When I was in my 20s, you could, like, lose your phone. You. You could lose your debit card. And that was it. Like, I'm going to call to get a new debit card. Now. If you lose your phone, you also lose your camera and your credit card and your contacts and everything. I wonder if there will be a day where we actually reward burglars who steal our phones and thank them for giving us the opportunity to take in a couple minutes, like, just take you. The burglars don't steal people's phone.

[B]

Just go.

[A]

You're welcome. Go make a memory, psycho. You actually saved her life because you stole her phone. And then she had two days to process her situation and see that the relationship she was in was toxic. She moved on. Two weeks later, the guy she was with strangled a kangaroo at the zoo. You saved her. She develop the ability to see what was right in front of her. If you're in your 20s, I am not going to tell you to not do certain things that are bad for you. In this episode, I'm going to actually tell you to do the do them with aplomb because you're not going to listen if I tell you to do it. You need to feel the impact yourself on your face, on your collagen. You will see very quickly that the wrong decision just starts aging you. No one could. No one can tell you anything in your 20s. No one could tell me not to date that guy or to not be friends with that girl or to not wear those platform heels down the snowy embankment or put Jeans on over an unhealed knee. No one. Plenty of people said your knee. I can see your kneecap after that rollerblading blunder. Philadelphia, City of bloody love, not the city of brothers going to fix that pothole when Winnie was rollerblading listening to Brandy Bops. Wear a skirt. I don't wear, I'm wearing my jeans. I got Diesel jeans. They're going over this wound. It's gonna be fine. Okay. Then they played mace. So I'm there till 2am and the scab did grow into the knees, but I got a cute pair of jean shorts out of it. So all I'm saying is that like if you're in your 20s, stay at the bar till to go, go go see what hepatitis pirate wants to walk you home. Let him walk you home. Let him tell you all about how his mom breastfed him until he was six. The only advice I have for you is make sure that you have a pull out couch because he will need a place to crash for three to six months. You have to just have that experience, okay? And I do wanna be genuine in this episode. I just, I, I know you're gonna have to do a lot of things the hard way. So here's what you should do in your twenties, in no particular order. I just have like bullet points. Okay? If you do have your own place or if you're a gal with roommates, buy a pair of size 16 work boots that are for men, put mud on them and leave them outside your apartment. So that creeps think like a homicidal lumberjack lives there. You can get like funny about it and put like blood on it and stuff. And like, like, like you can just like get cute with it. Like random, like just hairs on the bottom and stuff. But like the booths do a lot of the work, right? That's just like a little safety protocol. The main thing people wrote me back when I was just asking friends like what's should I give, you know, girls in their 20s advice about everything was like, don't get married in your 20s. You know what? Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it, dude, do it. I think the idea of going up to girls in their 20s be like, do it. Like do it. Okay, I don't do it. When did anyone ever break up with someone because someone told them not to? The worst thing you can do is be like, you guys should really shouldn't be together then that just when you're in your 20s that bonds you to the toxic person. It's like it's us against the world. Everyone's trying to tear us apart. Okay? Just because you are poly and, like, just get your first marriage out of the way, why not? Being in a relationship for four years where you don't get married, it's the same. It's the same kind of breakup. You're still living together. You're still. Like, why not? You still have to deal with passwords. If you both have the same password, you're basically married to the Hulu or the. What? You know what I mean? By the time you realize you have to go down to city hall and fill the stuff out, like, you're not. Do it. Go. And then it'll be your idea not to. My advice for people in their 20s is always like, f around and just find out yourself. You know, it's like, yeah, go. I think it's funny to spend your tight skin years at city hall. I. There's no better place to. Really? Well, in your 20s, you shouldn't be planning a wedding, but you should be at what? What, what, What, A bubble party in Miami? Dude, please. Honestly, get married. The less competition for me at Coachella, the better. Marriage. You gotta understand, it was invented when the life expectancy was truly like 15 years old. Right? But there are people who shouldn't be single. There's certain people. That's not where they shine. I would say it's not. Don't get married if it's a calm marriage. Do it. Flaubert's quote is my favorite. Be regular and orderly in your personal life so that you can be violent and original in your work. Right? You think J. Lo would be J. Lo if she didn't have that marriage to that dancer in her 20s? I feel like every really successful person had like a husband slash assistant when they were in their 20s, you know what I mean? Like some kind of like, ride or die type of person who they mentally just destroyed, you know, but probably got a retirement fund out of it. You know, there's always like a marriage when you're like, wait, that person was married in their twenties to who? The. A puppeteer. Like, huh. Chris and I were talking about this the other day. If you are into being with a lot of people, your kink is really just like texting. Know the amount of time and energy and money that you put into a wedding, you could have started a business. You could have down payment on a house right? Or bunker, you know, so you don't have nuke. Nuke face. Do you think that's what we'll call it? Like, he's got nuke face. It's going to be like clown lung. Like, if you want nuke face, that's fine. I mean, I don't. I don't know. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe that's gonna be like the new, like, hot eyebrow scar from a bar fight. You know, you'll get, like, special benefits from the government if you have nuke face. I don't. The point is, I don't know the Darwinian advantage that is gonna happen. But marriage, Nobody knows what order you should do it in. All right, maybe you. Maybe you're the kind of person that should get married from 22 to 26 and then get married again at 40. Don't. Don't listen to bitter weirdos about this. I don't think there should ever be an order the heart wants. You're gonna do what you're gonna do. And it's more distracting to try to resist that than to just do it and get it over with. You're gonna do it anyway. Just do it as fast as you can. Okay. And get a prenup. Even if you have nothing, get a prenup. Because when you have someone take your nothing, that's when you realize it was kind of something. Put the dog in the prenup. When I tell you the number of people I know that cannot move on and be in a new relationship. Cause they spend most of the time driving two hours to visit their Chihuahua that will never die. Main advice, make sure you wanna live another 20 years before you get a Chihuahua. There's no. Actually no biological reason that they live till, like, two and they live till they're 20. It's actually kind of wild. Put your dog in the prenup. Your clownfish, I don't care. Just get ahead of any of those curveballs. I'll put a human friend in a prenup. Like, I don't care. All right, while we're on dogs, I think good advice is learn what your dog was bred to do. Don't get a husky if you live in New York City. Don't get a Jack Russell if you live in California. Right. Don't make me have to see your. Did you see, when you came to my house today, there was a sign that said lost cat.

[B]

Yeah, I saw that when I came in today.

[A]

I mean, honestly, it's like, I thank you for supporting the coyote community by getting a cat. All I ask is you don't spend money on your wedding in your 20s. You piglet it. If it's your parents money that's fine. If you want to be your wedding, you gotta wait to get married or do get married, have a party later. Who cares if your parents are paying for your wedding? It's not your wedding. You're getting Aunt Bonnie with her Dutch hounds. And there's some. There's always, like, breeder dogs. You're gonna get a migraine from cousin Carly's body shimmer. There will be people you have never met in the background of all your photos. These people will have a. A bump it. They will have. They will have hair dye on the side of their face dripping down. One of your mom's sorority sisters will do the splits in front of you in a photo. If your parents pay, there will be a person at your wedding with a bird. And that's the deal. There will be a parrot at the wedding, which is fine. It's fine. There's just. You got to be. You got to just. It. Life is really all about accepting what's the consequence that comes with that. Your parents pay for the wedding. Great. There's going to be a bird. Enough about the marriage thing. Get bangs. Just get them now. Let's just get. Let's just. Let's just rip the band aid off. Okay, go. Do. Actually go now. Today. Just whatever is around you, just cut them. Let's just get this over with, because you are going to do it anyway. And. And let's do it in your 20s when you have the energy to fist fight your forehead every morning and night for the next three months as it grows out. Just do it before you have a real job and employees, because they will, frankly stop coming to work if you do it. You want me to ship out orders? Okay, well, you should be on mental health leave. I don't know where your eyelashes end and your hair begins. All right, you don't. You don't get to tell me what to do when you're, you know, clearly going through a earth shattering breakup with your parasocial relationship with Morrissey. I don't know what's happening here. Oh, oh, you got the tickets to Morrissey, but it got canceled because he smelled meat, and now you have bangs. You look like the girl from Scooby Doo. Oh, Lego hair is not gonna tell me I need to stay two hours later. So just do it. Just. Look, I'm a grown woman. I need to see your eyes. You gotta. You don't get to, like, hide behind, like. You don't get to move through the world, like, hiding, like, peekaboo. You don't get to Wear, like, a little bangs burka where nobody sees you and you kind of. We're not doing this, all right? Go buy some bobby pins and a headband. Let the healing begin. Because we're growing those.

[B]

Just.

[A]

Just grow them out. Get it? I. I think about it every day. I want bangs again every day. But I remember there's stuff you just gotta get out of your system. Date the dj. Okay? Just date the dj. And then you'll realize, like, oh, all he's doing is playing other people's music. It's like wanting to date a valet. Cause he drives a nice car. Like, it takes a second. Date the Blue Man. The understudy for the Blue man group. Date the entrepreneur with six roommates. His app. His app might take off. I've been wrong before. I agree. I do think there should be an app that helps you locate bar fights in real time. I think it's a good idea.

[B]

If it does succeed, then you're stuck with someone who created a successful app, and that's pretty annoying.

[A]

Even worse, get out before it takes off. I mean, if it works, you're screwed. If it doesn't work, you're screwed. Okay? But there's. There's some guy that made millions of dollars off the Squatty Potty. Like you don't know. All right, it's your 20s. This is the time if you want to date that fixer upper and change him with your love. God speak, speed. It's gonna take you going downtown, looking everywhere. All right, you guys know that I am surrounded by men. It's just. I don't know how this happened. I had a son. I have Pat. I was just baby daddy, you know? And it's summer, and there's no better way to ruin a relationship with one of your platonic guy friends more easily than just go for a swim with them. It is funny, though, watching, like, the prank that is men's swim trunks. It's just a. It's just balloon. It's so funny. It's actually, like. I can't tell you the amount of times I've instantly fallen out of love with someone when I saw them get into the pool. I mean, it really does defy all laws of physics when a guy gets in pool. But thankfully, someone sane came along and made chubbies. These are swim trunks for men that are supportive. They keep everything. It's HR approved. Okay? Human resources approved. You can go on an office trip. You can go out with a co worker. You can hang out with a friend. You can hang out with a Platonic guy. You can go on a couple's vacation and not cheat by accident. You can all get in the pool together. They manage to be supportive, ridiculously comfortable, flattering at the same time, which honestly, it just. No offense guys, but no guy has ever looked good on the beach. Has never happened. You all just look like the Michelin man. Like it's so embarrassing. You got to get them. They really do fit. The fabric is four way stretch. It dries very quickly. So you don't have like some nasty swim trunks like hanging from your shower knob for seven days. Like why is this still wet? Chubby's is celebrating 15 years, so the original shorts that redefined proper length shorts are back with the same iconic fit. With over 2.6 million custom customers, they clearly know how to keep these men's thighs happy and the vibes high. For a limited time, Chubby's is giving our listeners 20 off with code whitney@chubby shorts.com. they're not just swim trunks, they're also just shorts.

[B]

Boat where?

[A]

Boat guy, Legoland guy, maybe golf the golf guy.

[B]

You know, mow the lawn guy.

[A]

Just like that guy. That guy.

[B]

Shorts guy.

[A]

Shorts guy. Dude, shorts is an art. I can't when. When Chris wore some shorts the other day and I went, babe, I cannot believe I'm still in love with you. You nailed it with those shorts. That was hit or shorts on men is hit or miss. Where Elsa we're at with what's going

[B]

on in the world.

[A]

You better. If you're in about shorts, they better work. You can't just. You can't just dodge the draft by putting on a pair of umbros and just being like, no thanks. Not available to help. 20% off your order with Code Whitney. Give your thighs the VI treatment they deserve with Chubbies. Chubbies. Look, I'm. This is summer. I have a kid. I'm going to ball pits. I'm going down slides. If I'm in a park and I see another dad, you know, undercarriage, I. I will. I'll sue you. I don't care anymore. Wear Chubbies or I'll. I'll sue. Support the show. Tell em we sent ya. Hey y'. All, I wanna talk to you about Kashape. You know that I love anything that makes everyday money stuff feel less annoying and more organized. Cash app just. I like to keep all my spending. I like to keep all my mistakes in one place. It just. Then I can copy and paste and just put it right into my fourth step of aa. All my spending blunders. I can just copy and paste and then I can just do my inventory right then and there. You know, I'm always into anything that rewards the way people actually spend money in real life. It just feels like, I don't know, fair. I'm turned on by fairness, guys. And Cash App just released a new status program for the way people actually spend money. It's called Cash App Green. It unlocks new ways for you to pay, get rewarded easily, grow or manage your money on your terms. Now, when you spend at least $500 a month with a Cash App card or Cash App pay, you going to earn green status which unlocks benefits like up to $200 of free overdraft coverage, higher borrow limits and custom personalized cash back offers. Every Friday at places you love to shop. Turn everyday spending into status with Cash App Green. Download Cash App today with Cash App Slash new to learn more about this and other great features. Launching now for a limited time, new Cash App Customers can earn $10 if they use the code CASHAPP10 at their profile. Sign up and send $5 to a friend within 14 days. Terms apply. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash Apps bank partnerships with a thing around the S. Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton bank member fdic. Cash App Green overdraft coverage. Cash back offers and promotions provided by Cash App A Block Inc. Brand visit Cash App slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures. Get me. Get me that website for him. Can't find him. Using your cellular data to download Rosetta Stone to learn some phrases in Spanish to ask someone if he's seen your friend. You know, he's wearing a hoodie that says supreme backwards that I paid for. And guess what? They have seen him. They have seen him. And he was with a girl who had a misspelled poem tattooed on her rib cage. And he's not calling you back. But in your 20s, you'll also learn addiction. It's not a choice. It's not a choice. And he will be back and he will make that very clear to you. He will capitalize on the fact that addiction is not a choice. He will go to a fake program. He will. He'll go to like one AA meeting or like, he'll die well in Scientology or something like that. And then he'll make an amends to you. He'll be like, I am sorry. Addiction was not a choice. And then he will give you some passive aggressive apology and you'll take it. You're gonna Take it. You're gonna take the apology. You're gonna accept the apology. Okay? It's like two sentence apology. It's. But you don't. What kind of weirdo makes a long apology that's fishy? You're gonna talk yourself into it. This is. He's. It's concise. I like a guy who. He's at a loss for words cuz he's so sorry, he's speechless. You'll get back together. And by back together, I mean he texts you to come meet up with him and his friends at 11:30pm at some apartment with wall to wall carpet. And they're not blankets hanging on the walls. They're like, they're not quilts, they're not beach blankets.

[B]

Those stoner tapestries, It's a tapestry.

[A]

It's like a. It's like a 13 count tapestry. And you will be so baffled at who manufactures these blankets that you won't even realize he's ignoring you. You will get lost in the Mayan Incan pattern and you'll sit there on a floor pillow, the floor pillow that is frankly sadder than the children who fabricated it. And you'll tell yourself, you know what? He's scared. He's scared of my love. He's scared of being so in love that he's so scared of my love that he goes downtown to a crack house to feel safe. He's scared. He says he's scared of. Of how much he likes me. And in your 20s, you're gonna believe him because you know what? When you're in your 20s, why would he lie? Doesn't add up. This is what your 20s is all about. It's realizing that people lie because they panic and they just say whatever they saw in a Reese Witherspoon movie. But forget that romantic comedies were also toxic for men. Men watched them too. Men saw like, I just. I'm scared. What if it does work out like they saw like Patrick Dempsey or someone say that and you're like, oh, that sounds good. But also slightly plagiarized. But it's so corny that it must be true, because the odds of this guy being this corny are slightly lower than the odds that they're a liar. Also, it's baffling because you're 23. No one expects you to be ready to marry me. This is what gets really tricky for women in their 20s is they're like, well, you're. Just tell me you're an aspiring twitch streamer. Just say that. I know what that Means just be like, I'm a streamer. And I'm like, well, do you want to date me? Just be like, I'm a streamer. Do you love me? I'm a streamer. I'd be like, got it. Just say that in your 20s, you have to practice asking for clarity. And when you get it, get it. If you're a girl in your 20s, you can't expect any friend or guy to be the paragon of emotional maturity. All right? But, like, there's this thing now where it's very popular to say that, you know, men are bad to women. But there's a lot of guys out there who actually don't wanna hurt women or hurt their feelings, which is actually way worse. The nice ones are the ones that never tell you. They never just say, like, hey, you're not enough. Like my mom. Which I know is creepy, but dating my mom is kind of what I need emotionally right now. The guys who cheat are the nice ones. They don't wanna break up. They don't wanna hurt your feelings, so they go cheat. The ones who waste two years of your life. Cause they can't just break up with you. And then you find out he's been Snapchatting with a. You know, this girl for four years. With the cat, the tiger. Filter. Snapchat's got some filters right now. Like, you can be in a full relationship with a jellyfish if you want. The point is, maybe he's lying to you. Maybe he's lying to himself, and you're just a casual. It doesn't matter. He's gonna tell you he needs time to work on himself so. So that he can be better for you. If you don't laugh at that, go back to one. Call your dad. Tell him he dropped the ball. It's no one's job to be better for you. What do you. What is this? What is. I was literally trained that you meet a guy and then you change. You see, like, a spark of potential, and then you change everything about them. We need to stop with Mr. Potato Head for kids. There's something in our child rearing where we're taught, like, I love you. Now let's get to work. Okay, let's see. How do I make you the person that you don't even know what you want. Don't make someone change to be what you. You don't know what you want in your 20s. You get gaslit to conflate self respect and a simple demand for clarity as neediness. And that's fine. That's fine.

[B]

If you spend time in your 20s trying to change your boyfriend, it's only gonna go bad because you're gonna train them to be what a 23 year old girl wants.

[A]

Is that why so many guys after their first marriage go back to dating 23 year olds? They're like, this is what I was built to do. All of these books that you're reading of, these self help books that are telling you this is your wound and this is your love language. The authors of these books, by the time you're 30, will be in prison. The person I read the most in college that changed my life, had the biggest impact on me was Osho, who went on to start a cult where they put beavers in blenders. Here's the thing though, he is someone you should be taking advice from. Just not about love, just about how to find the dumbest people on earth to start a cult so you can have 93 Rolls Royces. This guy had 93 Rolls Royces.

[B]

That's a lot of beavers.

[A]

Married, don't be married. Who cares? Just don't be a mom to a guy. It's gross. First of all, you don't know how to be that. Your mom didn't even hit it out of the park. You don't have maternal instincts. Your mom grew up in the 80s and 90s. My dog, okay, she has brain damage from Aquanet and she's cut off blood circulation from looping her T shirts into a bikini top. She has no blood flow to her brain from the Delia's tube top. So we're not, we're breaking some cycles here. All right, Some logistical advice. Crop your head out of your nudes, for God's sakes. First of all, don't send them at all. Let's be honest. If you must, crop your head out. But there is no reason to send a nude photo of yourself to truly anyone. Porn is free. You're taking a job from another woman. Quite frankly, it's like the new come through, it's the new you up. It's a weird, spooky power move. So he can like show his friends or something. I don't know. No. Also, you can't guarantee he's gonna respond right away. And you could add years to your life in the 20 minutes you spend waiting for him to respond to that text you sent. What if he leaves you on read? What if you just sit there slowly go bald? No, no, that is the last thing on the list of like first base, second base, third base, that I would ever do with my guy. When did I send. I mean, well, don't say do as I say, not as I do.

[B]

Have it be your idea to send the note there. You don't do requests. Do it on your terms.

[A]

Ambush him at church. I actually think it's funny to just like sharpie, like other men's names and fake tattoos. Like at least do a prank.

[B]

Make it something that he doesn't want to show his friends.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, make it so that he doesn't show his friends by just putting what, like Carl. All right, getting nitty gritty. Don't confuse alcoholism with fun. If you want to drink, go. Fine, go. But you know, what is it? Alcoholics are the only people that believe that they deserve to be having fun all the time. Also, pragmatically like aliens, I think they're here. Seems, seems like gonna be hungover when the aliens shot. Like, can you imagine if everyone's still drinking? Like, you know, I don't know. When I was in my 20s, I didn't drink. And then I got like, you know, a career. I got successful. I didn't know how to fill the God sized hole. Cause it didn't fix everything. And then I was like, oh, I'm gonna start not on a drink, I'm gonna be fine. And then all of a sudden cut to my hair is pink and I fell over on an IG live and got a hematoma on my head so big I had to get it surgically removed. So don't do it in your 30s or 40s either. Like, I don't know if drinking, like, what are you celebrating? You know what, if you're gonna drink, make sure there's an occasion. Just have an occasion. That's all I ask. We make plans to ingest poison. Isn't that weird? It's also when people drink, I feel like I only hear them practicing drinking. Right. This is a perfect time to talk about the Illumina eye restore face mask. Because we are doing the episode, of course now of giving advice to girls in their 20s. But I'm not going to get into skincare. I made so many dumb mistakes. I was such an ignoramus in my 20s with skincare stuff. Cuz there's so many scams and I wish this existed back then because this is the only thing that actually works. It is a red light mask. This one is lightweight, cordless, comfortable. You can throw it on while you're. I mean, I, I have it on all the time. I'm doing zooms. I'm watch my ambiolic podcast. The last time I was on, I was just wearing it. I was like, I'm just doing this on podcast now. I don't care if you don't think it's cool that I look like Darth Vader and am aging backwards like Benjamin Button while I'm on a zoom talking about mental. If you don't think that's funny, you don't get it. The Illumina face mask is a dermatologist recommended at home treatment with 360 medical grade LEDs. It uses red, infrared and blue light to target fine lines, breakouts, sun damage, inflammation, without adding a bunch of complicated steps to your routine. And because your skincare does not stop at your face, there's also the Illumina neck and chest mask which has 230 medical glaze, great LED and is designed to smooth, firm and brighten those areas we usually forget about. Not me, not me. I'll pick myself apart, every nook and cranny. Both masks are lightweight, breathable, they're easy to wear. I do them when I'm, when I'm working, when I'm on my phone, when I'm. All of it. I live in these things. All you need is 10 minute sessions, three to five times a week. You can start seeing brighter, healthier looking skin. I mean, I'm downright luminous. It's actually kind of wild. Okay, so they've done studies because they're a real company. In a 12 week independent study, 94 of users saw improvement in their skin tone. 92% saw an overall improvement in skin appearance. Give your skin the love it deserves. Right now, I Restore is running their spring bundle savings and with code [e-mail] you can unlock an exclusive discount on the Alumina face mask. That's code [e-mail]. that's code whitney@I restore.com support our show, tell them we sent you and for God sakes, get the red light special. Let's get everyone feels bad and complain and then they're like, okay, I figured it out. All right, so if I just do a whiskey first and then if I eat something like it's always like a course correction from it's never gone well, but they justify the next time they're gonna drink. It's like, I figured it out. So like we're pregaming at 6 o'. Clock. What you're saying is like, look, I know my personality isn't good enough to just show up at the bar, so let's Like, I'm gonna. I'm gonna change my personality. I'm gonna tweak it just like, just enough to be able to get to the bar and then we can get started. Or I know I'm gonna make a bunch of bad decisions and I want to be able to blame it on being drunk. Or if I, you know what I'm

[B]

saying, Show up blacked out.

[A]

We shouldn't call it like, let's pre game. Just call it like let's de dork in my place un loser and head to the party. Like that's how it comes off. That's all. There's stuff you just need to cut out. Like, cut it out. Aluminum deodorant. Let's just if just stink. Who cares? If I had, do you know how many less gay guys I would have dated had I just not had I just stank? Just repel the men that care about that. We're wired to smell pheromones. This is why the divorce rate is through the roof. Birth control aluminum. It's wonking up our ability to smell who we should actually be with in general. Before you use a product, just make sure there isn't like a multi billion dollar lawsuit about how it made a bunch of Cyclops babies like it. Just stop googling your ex for five minutes. Google the eyelash glue that you just put into your cornea. It's just antidepressants. I don't know. Good. Fine. I just. I believe you should be a little depressed in your 20s if you have a. You need antidepressants to function. Fine. You don't get to be on antidepressants and drink and like, you gotta. We have to know what's working. It's okay to be sad sometimes. It'd be weird if you were always in a good mood. That's like a nightmare. You know what? Help me put the person you wanna be in a movie cast the person in your head and then step out of you detach objectively and then watch the movie and see if you like that person or not. Do you hate the person or do you like the person? Why are you trying so hard to be the person everybody hates? It's like when everyone's like, know it all person. Like, and here's the thing. And here's the fact. And here's the fact, like, everyone hates that person. Stop listening to all these podcasts. No one but did you hear this episode? Did you hear this episode? Did you read this one? The New York Times and. New York Times and Wall Street Journal. It's just like, dude, if that was in a movie, that was just like, we hate that guy. If you don't have anxiety, like, you're a dud. You should have anxiety. Why wouldn't you have anxiety? Anxiety is the only thing we have left, frankly, that they haven't taken from. It's the only thing we have to protect us. All the things we thought were protecting us are actually what's making us sitting ducks. Our phones, our ring cameras, everything. If I was hiring people right now, I'd be like, do you have anxiety? If they said no, I would just be like, I don't even look at resumes. I'm like, do you have crippling anxiety? Yes. You're hired to not have anxiety. It's just like, it's. You're an evolutionary dead end. No offense. We're so backwards on all this stuff. Like, I see a homeless person outside in the street, screaming at the sky, like, ah. I'm like, that guy. That's. That's a normal reaction. We're weird for being this chill. But also, don't take too much advice. That's the other thing. That's why I feel like I'm like, staying away from too much advice here. Because it's like, I don't know. I mean, don't take this advice if it's not resonating. I mean, I did pay for my house with jokes. But the point is, I think I'm good to talk about this because I've made a lot of mistakes. Don't take advice from people that don't have the life you want. It took me so long to be like, don't take advice about marriage from single people. Don't take advice about guys from girls. Don't take advice about girls from guys. Like, just go to the person that knows the thing. Remember when we used to, like, go to, like, a record store or, like a CD store and you would, like, sing a song? I was like, five, but you would just be like, what's this song? La la la. And there was someone who'd be like, it's that. I mean, looking back, I feel like they knew the song a minute before we were done singing it.

[B]

We get the chorus one more time.

[A]

Yeah, one more time.

[B]

No, no, the words are wrong, but I'm picking up the melody.

[A]

Most of the wisdom that I was, like, obsessed with in my 20s, the people turned out to be actual maniacs. Like, I had quotes on my wall by Charles Bukowski. Then YouTube comes along. There's videos of him kicking no less than three women off couches. I was obsessed with artists and their quotes. I had Degas all over my walls, like, the ballerinas and all the quotes. And now I'm like, why was this guy sculpting little ballerinas? Like, why did I base all my choices on his wisdom? Like, this can't be great. I also think that people should have a skill that you could teach or coach for when the meteor comes, but not life.

[B]

Don't become a life coach.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Isn't the requirement for life coach, though, that you have to be in $40,000 of debt? Like, I think that's how you get certified. You get certified, you have to have four roommates with criminal records, and that's what certifies you to be a life coach. I don't think I've ever met a life coach that didn't have a snake in his car.

[B]

Or at least an empty terrarium formerly occupied by a snake.

[A]

Empty terrarium Industries is such a funny.

[B]

I'm working on this one. I got a snake lined up.

[A]

My Craigslist contact just felt whatever the

[B]

lucky snake is that goes in the turret is going to be. If you know anybody. One of my clients. My clients promised me a cobra, but they can't get their life together.

[A]

Oh, God. But I do think everyone should have a skill that they could be a coach for if they need to. Once you have a kid, you realize that the people with the most secure living are the people who at any moment can con a parent into coaching their kid for $300 an hour on some skill. People that know how to ski, play piano, and they're decent with kids, and they just charge moms who had a kid out of wedlock a bunch of money to be like, hi. They come in. Not in the mood today. No problem. You don't even have to have the skill. You could just look at the kid and go, oh, not feeling it today? You'd rather do that?

[B]

Learn how to play I'm a little teapot on the piano.

[A]

Yeah, that's it. I'm not going to force him. I'm not going to force him to do this. Oh, you just want to throw your toys at the piano your mom just bought? That's fine, too. You know, I don't have a bad association with it. You don't have to know the skill either. Coach. Be able to coach something. Leave your eyebrows alone. They were made to make your face better. You have too much face. Your face isn't ugly. We're just seeing too much of the face. Cause you keep thinking we want to see your upper nose. Like, no one. When you're in your 20s, you're just like, everyone wants to see. Like, it's a little mystery in. The upper nose is completely fine. You should be able to hold a pencil. This is how you know your eyebrows are janked. So you have to hold a pencil here, and your eyebrows should go to the edge of the pencil. All right? That's where your eyebrows should start. All right? Who you date is a business decision. If you don't get it, I can't help you. Sleep on your back. Just do it. I've talked about this on many podcasts. Just do headphones if you need to. If you have OCD and add, take the win. I'm so sick of this. I don't have add. I'm busy. You're boring. And Dropbox is stupid if you don't have ocd. Get it? Like, get it. I could not do anything that I do if I didn't have. I'm always counting, right? I'm in the airport. If you see him in an airport, I am in a full conversation with myself, counting. I'm like, 1, 2, 3. I got my three bags. 1, 2, 3, 1, 2. That's how I don't forget things, right? I just like, if. If you see me on tour in an airport, it's. Any other context, I would be a woman in Central park covered in pigeons.

[B]

Like, I'm doing phone, wallet, keys here to Tampa.

[A]

G64. Phone, wallet, keys.

[B]

Looks like I'm doing the Macarena.

[A]

Hey, Pensacola. Like, I just like, phone, wallet, keys, pocket protector. I got my covered in straps. Like, if things keep happening to you, it's you. That's the worst. That's the worst. Oh, my God. Don't wear clear bra straps. We can see them. If you need clear bra straps, wear another top. I've done it. I've done it. I've wrapped myself in double sided tape. I've done all the duct tape. I've kidnapped myself coming out of the guest store with a tube top. Like, I don't. I don't think the tube top ever changed the course of someone's life. Like, tank top is fine. It's just as sexy, if not sexier. Tube top is actually, like, a liability.

[B]

I'm a fan. They're the best.

[A]

When people just go. When people are like, the patriarchy keeping women down, I'm like, can we talk about tube tops? When I have a tube top on. It's all I think about. I know it's all everyone else is thinking about.

[B]

But it's just the men in charge are not assigning these tube tops. Ladies are doing it to themselves.

[A]

Okay. I want to talk more about tube tops actually more than anything. I feel like I have so much more to say about this and because I'm slightly congested, I'm going to. We'll break it up into two episodes because I have so much more to say, so much more advice and I don't want to just like go past stuff fast and be like flippant with it. I really want to like give context because it's just I'm right and I want to be right longer. No, I have a lot more thoughtful advice coming. So we'll do a part two next week. I mean the main advice guys to red elephants. I'll see you next week for part two of advice for you in your twenties. Sat.