← Good For You with Whitney Cummings
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Focus features in Blumhouse Obsession. When I have a crush on a guy no one knows, Be careful. I wish Nikki loved me more than anyone in the entire world. Who you wish for? Obsession is 96% fresh on rotten Tomatoes. I love you so, so, so, so much. It's blood soaked nightmare fuel. What kind of spills you put on her? You have been warned. Obsession. Rated R under 17 animated without parent only theaters May 15 with special engagements in Dolby. Ready to soundtrack your summer with Red Bull Summer All Day Play. You choose a playlist that fits your summer vibe the best. Are you a festival fanatic, a deep end dj, a road dog or a trail mixer? Just add a song to your chosen playlist and put your summer on track. Red Bull Summer All Day Play. Red Bull gives you wings. Visit red bull.com brightsummerahead to learn more. See you this summer. The feedback I've been getting about the advice episodes have been really funny. People are coming up to me in airports and stuff and being like, thank you so much. Like they want me to get more granular. But I guess I've been thinking about it and I just feel like when you're in your 20s, it's so much of what you think you need because these girls are coming up to me in their 20s and they're like, I just, I need this. How do I get a boyfriend? How do I just. I like, I really need a job, you know, Like, I just. If I just get I. In your 20s, all you're focusing on is what you need that's external. As a general Note, in your 20s, you don't need a boyfriend. You don't need the job. You don't. You need. You need to clean your apartment. That's the only thing anyone needs. I mean, we need to have like a conversation about like black mold with some of the. There's this new thing where girls are like messy. What is this? Is this, is this like the other. Like, I don't, I don't cook, I don't clean. I'm a feminist. Like, I don't like. What is that? There's the things you need to do in your twenties is you need to. We also need to get your moles checked because you're all just out in the sun like maniacs. You got. You have black mold and a black mole and both of them need to be addressed before even moving forward about the boyfriend or the job or the whatever. Also, I'm looking at tiktoks of girls in their 20s. Amber alert me and what is these backgrounds? It's just trash. Is that. Are those chicken wings in the back? Yeah. I don't see paid partnership with Wingstop or Wild Buffalo. Wild wings. This is just wings. I think we just need to just pick it up. Pick it up. You don't. We need to do one thing at a time because none of the things that you say you need or want will sustain. You're gonna find what the man of your dreams and then bring them back and give them clown lung. Hold on. You're not putting the nail polish brush back on the bottle before you leave? I'm wondering if it has to do a little bit with everyone's room being their set for their TikTok. And it's like, well, this is my set. Which if on a sitcom set it was, like, all messy, you'd be like, oh, this girl's so fun, you know, like. Cause this is where they're shooting all of their content. Is it like. Well, I don't want to come off like a. Try hard. Try hard. It will stop you from a folliculitis I wish on nobody, not even my worst enemy. You can't have stuff on the floor that you know, do you. Okay, we need to have a silverfish conversation. If you go back to your apartment or your room and you see a silverfish or a earwig, which I drank the other day. Oh, you drank an earwig? Yeah, because I always have drinks everywhere, and there was one outside. Did you cough it up or did you go. I felt the hooks and hit me right in the back. Gag reflex come through, and I just, like, poltergeisted it out. I know this sounds, like, nitpicky and type A neurotic, but what'll happen is just listen very carefully. Come sit on Auntie Whitney's lap here. If you see a silver fish that night, you will leave the apartment. You will meet a mediocre at best bro who is, like, holds up his drink to the camera when he takes pictures. Like, flicks off the camera, curses at people through the phone. Just FaceTiming his friend from back home at the bar, just yelling, you know, just holding girls by the back of their neck he barely knows. And you're gonna be like, you know what? He's got an apartment with no silverfish, and that's what I need right now. And you will throw away two and a half years of your life to a man whose car is neon green that he has lowered to the ground. It can't go over a speed bump if you're hemorrhaging blood, and he's driving to the ER and there's a speed bump. That's it. So these little things, like picking up your tube top out of the, you know, musty, moldy corner. It. It has ramifications, real ramifications. Okay. You get. There's certain, like, health things that I feel like. I feel like a lot of girls are getting weird, like, skin infections now. Like, you guys aren't. It's. We gotta pull it. There's some things a filter can't fix. All right? You gotta pull. There's a lot like. But that said, I'm big on. In your 20s, don't take antibiotics unless you absolutely have to. All right? I can't get too much into it. Just. It will mess up the crevice, the balance. I don't even know what to say here. Just Google it. Google how to balance your tacos. Biome. Don't Google that. It changed my mind. Don't. Gosh. Eat sourdough bread. That's a big one. Took me a long time. It'll save you a lot of fake stomach diagnoses I went through in my 20s. Candida, weed, allergies, lactose intolerant. You're none of these things. You're hungover. It's fine. It's just. No one thinks of that. Just eat sourdough and get sober. I don't know how to break it to you that you're fine. You don't have a allergy. When you're in your 20s, you make up all these allergies that have nothing to do with the nine Long island iced teas you had the day before. You just. You're an alcoholic, which is just not obvious yet because you haven't lost everything, but you don't have anything to lose, so how could you tell? But also, have fun. If you can drink like a lady, go for it. Just know that if you drink all day, I'm not going to sit and listen to you talk about your peanut allergy. And that's why you're so tired. Just be like, I'm drunk still. I'm still drunk at school, and I'm a teacher. It's not. Don't pretend. It's like the air vents. Don't make us all change our. No perfume. Don't do that. I get migraines from perfume. Okay, but you're drunk. Also, your. Your brain is still full of poison. Don't stop me from wearing my poison. Cause you're chock full of poison. I'm not the person that's like, take care of yourself. Yeah. But you know, also know, like most wellness products are a scam, which is fine if it makes you happy. It's not a scam. Crystals, for example, they're not medicine. But if they make you happy, that's as. Why is that any worse than anything else? Crystals. I strongly encourage you buy crystals now, put them all over your place. And it will protect you from a serious relationship with an adult man, or at least a serious one that you know so you can stay unmarried longer. I think that's the best way. Crystals are really good for warding off husbands. Know your rights. You are allowed to have crystals and not tell anyone about them. You're allowed to have secrets. I wish someone had told me that when I was in my twenties. Cause I felt like I grew up around so much lying that I would always overshare and tell people my secrets. Also. We're at a time where so many people around us are making money by revealing their secrets and like colonoscopy videos. That doesn't mean you have to do that. The people that you know everything about right now, they're oversharing on the Internet. They will not have custody of their kids in five years. Like we. You don't see how it ends. I'm telling you how it all ends. So just, you can keep it to yourself. You can always say something later. But like this whole. We're all trauma bonding about everything all the time on the Internet and just don't. You can. As someone that is nauseated by small talk, I highly recommend it in your 20s. Keep it small, keep it light. There. It's. I promise you that the talk is going to get bigger. It goes from, oh, it's, it's, it's a little foggy out to she lost the baby in like a year, 29 to 31. All of a sudden you're like, oh, God, I kind of miss talking about the chemtrails. You gotta just watch the wellness industry because it's coming for you. It is coming for you to convince that you are sick. It is coming to convince you that you are dumb and that you are crazy. Doctors have found a whole new way to call women crazy. You're this, you have this diagnosis, you have this diagnos, you need this pill. But who knows if it's for you, it's for you. But there's some stuff we know is not charcoal, toothpaste, acupuncture, all these, they're all coming for you. They're all coming to tell you you need them. If it works, it makes you happy. It works. That's really all the evidence you need. Cuz don't spend a bunch of time going, I tried this thing to fix myself and it didn't work. I tried. And then. Because then you're going to build the case that you're broken and unfixable and that nothing works on you because you're terminally unique and you're unfixable and you're broken forever. No, it's just. It was never. You were just wrong about wrong. Which is better. I'd rather be wrong than broke. I was just wrong. The great news about being in your 20s is no one expects you to be right. So just don't take a failure or a grift that you took too seriously or a cult you joined that ended up being a scam. It's like that's what your 20s is for. Join as many cults as you can. As many cults as you can afford. Most of us try to solve with things that is solved by a nap. I know you're not going to listen because you want to try to solve it with the fancy cream and the tonic and the TikTok Shop capsules and it can be accomplished by truly like an hour of sleep. I know no one wants to hear that. All right, that said, you don't need as much sleep as you think. I know I'm sounding like I'm all over the place on this one. There's this thing now where men will not stop telling us to sleep and it's so weird. All these podcasts are like go to sleep for eight hours and then send me your email. All right everyone. I'm pretty serious when it comes to comes to my over the shoulder boulder holder. When I tried Honey Love the bra, I was stunned. 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Check out my what my honey loves and how just to get it. I like it when you're, when your cleavage looks like separate but they move. They don't move separate. Does that make sense? I lived through too much divorce as a child. I don't want it happening on Masternum. After you check out, they're going to ask you where you heard about them. And you, you're going to say this show, you're going to say, good for you. Support our show. Just like this bra supports my cans. Experience the new standard and comfort with support with Honey Love. Home Chef. It's you guys. This is the time of year when everyone's just so buzzy and by dinner time it's like, everyone's like, now this. I thought you were making dinner. No, I got a shellac together some porridge for this guy. Look, I'm just going to be honest with you guys. My fiance is using Home Chef and it has saved our relationship. Home Chef is rated number one by users of other meal kits for quality, convenience, value, taste and recipe ease. I want to meet the person who has used other ones and is like, I want to, I want, I've tried them all. Ask me, ask me my favorite from, from their hospital bed. Where was. I tried all of them. Where was this quiz? First of all, I want to meet the people who tried them all and weighed in. Stands to reason that they would be number one over here at Home Chef because they work with Gordon Ramsay. Excuse me. And now they're partnering with Giada De Laurentiis. You can find those Chef inspired meals across Home Chef's culinary collection. Classic meal kits express options. So whether you want a 30 minute meal at oven ready tray, you got it. You also, they work with people like me who will sprinkle hot gossip in while I'm, you know, hawking my wares. There's even a dedicated family member for four to six serving dinners. We get it. You have a family 30 meal options. What? Pat, what? They have a dedicated family menu, but there's a meal within that menu. Yeah, I know what you're trying to do. Like you said, they were assigning you a dedicated family member. Trying to do like they would have somebody sit at your table like they're part of your family. When they give you a dedicated family member, you can get a family from Home Chef. You can have a brother with meatballs. I would like a. I would like a three month supply of a father, please. Home Chef will recreate your childhood circumstances by putting food on the table, but nobody there to eat it. Home Chef customers have an average of $86 per month on grocery savings. For a limited time, Home Chef is offering my listeners 50% off and free shipping you for your first box. Plus free dessert for life. Homechef.com Whitney for 50% off your first box and free dessert for life. Home chef.com Whitney must be an active subscriber to receive free dessert. An address. I'll send you a newsletter and I'll just make sure you're sleeping half the day. Deep sleep. Like, what are you. Where are all these guys telling us to sleep? In a post they're posting at 2am from their phone. None of them are sleeping. Nothing puts people to sleep faster than you saying two men discussing how to fall asleep. I love watching all these men make millions of dollars off of things women have just known for 2000 years. Like sleep. Breathe in and out. That's called Lamaze. You gotta fast. That's anorexia. That's our thing. Eating disorders. Guys finally have eating disorders and it's like, we all have to like, get involved. Sleep when you're tired. Pat hasn't slept in four and a half years. Don't take advice from a man who has a bracelet that tells him how he slept. He doesn't even know he needs a device. He's like, stay away from your phone at night. I'm just gonna put on a radiation handcuff to track my sleep. Protect your privacy. I'm gonna put my heartbeats into this bracelet. How do you not remember what happened back there when you woke up Again, this is a drinking problem. So many things can be boiled down to a drinking problem. And this shouldn't be bad news. This should be good news because there's a lot of like. Like there was a while where everyone had Lyme disease or they thought they had Lyme and it was I. I also saw you. You drink every day, starting at 2. But like, maybe there's. I think this is good news when you just go like, oh, no, I'm just still drunk. I'm depressed. I'm tired. I'm this, I'm nauseous. I have an allergy. No, you're just wasted. You're pickled. Most people are pickled, but you might not Be ready for that. If you're not ready for that, Godspeed. Therapy. I don't know. People keep asking me about advice with therapy, and you're. Don't. Definitely don't go to therapy if you leave with more problems you entered with, you know, what you're going for. I would try free 12 step programs first because it's a lot of money. Therapist. If you're gonna go to a therapist, make sure she or he doesn't want you to be in there forever. The reason I kept going to my therapist, and she's like, I don't want you to be here forever. Like, the goal is to get you in and out. The goal is to, like, get the. And then you gotta do work when you're not in here. But then I went to this male therapist once, and not. I mean, I. I'm not saying this, but he was so clearly, like, wanting me to keep coming back. He was, like, in love with me. Was like, what? Are you in love with me? Every question I had, because I go to therapist and I go, what am I doing wrong? What am I doing? Tell me, am I this? Am I. Am I a narcissist? Am I borderline? Am I da, da. And always, like, borderlines. And narcissists don't show up to therapy and ask if they're borderlines. But I'm always like, what am I doing wrong? Please tell me. I just want to fix it. And he would always say, it's premature. It's too early to know, is always what he would say. And I'm like, just ask me questions. Let's get in and get out. There's times where I'm just, like, looking for a sign. And I'm like, just let me. Astrology, I think, works for a couple of reasons. Number one, you're gonna see what you're looking for. I used to go to the astrology page. It was, like, in the Philadelphia, like, Metro magazine or whatever. And I would always, like, I would go read it. I'm like, oh, my God, that's so true. And I'd be like, wait, that's Taurus. Like, they're all gonna work for you if you want. If you're looking for something specific, it's just a Rorschach test. I believe astrology works only because your birthday, the proximity of your birthday to a holiday does develop your personality. If your birthday is near a big holiday, you're not gonna get the same amount of tension on your birthday. I feel like our personality is in a large part Formed like what we believe we deserve. How we're able to celebrate ourselves, how we define ourselves. My birthday was the first day of school, September 4th. Me and Beyonce. No big deal. Couple of losers I went to. There was no birthday party. It was just, you work. That's how you celebrate. Like, this is all you're made to do. Organize. Put pencils in cases. Like, that's it. That's it. If your birthday was in August, everyone was coming back from summer, and your birthday was, like, what everyone talked about when they went back to school. We just went to Carly's birthday. Were you invited to Carly's birthday? I guess my big, big advice I was thinking about was, whatever you're gonna do. Like, don't take advice from me about what you do, but whatever you do, do it so hard. Cause at least you know, if you failed at it, it was you. That's my thing. Go hard. Like, when someone's, like, dating someone that I think is maybe not great for them, I'm like, go hard and just, like, get it over with. You know what I mean? Like, just dive, right? You can figure. I think you can be more successful at something if you try hard and fail four times in your 20s, then kind of like, I don't know if I should. It's same with relationships. Like, go so hard at your crazy dream or the bad relationship so that when it fails, if it does, you haven't left anything on the table. It wasn't for lack of trying. It's just, I can't do it, do this for no other reason than I cannot have another conversation with another guy who said he could have been in the majors. Just don't put everyone through that. I could have been a comedian. Okay? Just go. The super toxic ones. Go hard so it's over as fast as possible. You don't have to drag it out for four years. Don't be like your Aunt Whitney here, you know, and be half in something for four years just because you realize, oh, in order to be in this, I have to change my whole personality. So let's do this dance where I wait for your personality to change, because I think mine's pretty good. Like, there's this. I see a lot of people do this when they're in a relationship. They're like, well, they just need to do some work on themselves, and I need to do. How. How. What's this? What's over under on this remodel here? How long are we. And then you're in this dance of who's gonna Change in order to make this work. Neither of you. If you're all of a sudden wearing different clothes, it's not the one. A relationship should not be a two year masquerade ball. This is how we kind of trick ourselves into thinking that we're more similar to the person or don't wanna actually emotionally change. Like, every date's just Halloween. I'm just like, ah. I'm like the hockey J now. Like, it's. If you're in a thrift store buying cowboy boots two hours before the date. Like, he's not the guy. I remember, like in my 20s, I started dating a guy. All of a sudden I was just like, Converse sneakers with no socks girl. Like, what? What? No, I'm just wearing like long dresses. Like, I'm this. That's what. You know who did that? Isadora Duncan. Google it. I've talked about her. I mean, I. She's almost at Shirley Temple level in terms of my current obsessions about women from the past. She was a dancer who wore long scarves and it got caught in the tire. Convenient. As I say it. As I say it. Good cover. If you're working a. It is the tire. Got it. I mean, she was just asking for that. What was she wearing? A scarf. Mini skirt and a scarf. If you have a corporate job, and I feel like I'm talking a lot to people who are like, trying to figure out what to do if you already have a corporate job, I'm just gonna say it. Don't have fun with your boss or your employees. It's. It's not. It's not in the cards. Okay. I don't know if you're like in your 20s and you're like a child CEO. I don't know. It's. You guys, like, have gofundmes for like hummus businesses or something. It's hard enough to find real connections when there isn't an exchange of money. But I promise you, this is going to end in disaster. Your boss is cool. That's awesome. That's awesome. But if he or she didn't like, pay you every Friday, you wouldn't think they were cool. They're cool. For someone that sees you as subhuman, when someone thinks their boss is cool, it always means they're cool for a boss. Like, I remember when I first. My first job was like, oh, my God, my boss is like, so awesome. Like, my boss is like, so cool. They like, let me work like overnight to like, learn. They like really want me to learn. Like, you have it in your head that you have like a cool boss. They don't know. No, they're nice to you because they have to be nice to you. And a lot of times the way that they're nice to you is so that you don't invoice them for overtime. It's just like a. They have an office down the hall called human resources. They have to be nice to us or they get like a ding. They get dinged. It's just a. I think it's a weird Stockholm syndrome we get into, you know, and also especially now because, like, young people have so much leverage. Because if they're not nice to you, you'll, like, tweet that, you know, your boss didn't say good morning chipper enough and that they didn't get your vegan snacks. So they're scared of you. They're also scared. Know the difference between someone being nice to you and being scared of you? All right. This woman spent her entire life trying to build this eco friendly luggage company, and you're going to take it down with one Snapchat. She dated a trust fund kid from Qatar to get the seed money, and you're going to ruin it by pulling up a photo of her dressed as a Native American eight years ago. She was just trying to make the interns laugh. You threw it in her face. Morale building. You know what builds morale? Let us go home. Let us go home. And why do I have to go on vacation with my co workers and crowd surf on the trust fall? There's always someone who's a little too claw hand on the trust fall. Flatten it out, Earl. I know a lot of friendships feel like work. Work friendships. No, friendships that feel like work. Also bad. Everything should feel like what it is. Work should feel like work and friends should feel like friends. This is the hardest part of your 20s. The sleepover party's over. You're sleeping in your bed. You're not all just hanging out for two days at a. Our social lives in high school were just like, we hang for days on end in our jammies and our slippies. Sometimes you gotta just wear pants with a zipper. Mentally as well. I read something recently. A piece of advice. Maybe it was Dan Levy. Cause he's doing a bunch of press about when you walk through a threshold to mentally take the step into the new space you're walking into and be like, I'm in this new space. Like, there's a new energy. I know I'm not explaining it well, but like, when you walk into your Office. You're not. We're not talking about jet lag. No one over 30 believes in it. Also, just like, logistically, there was a couple of things we missed last time. You got to back everything up. You got to print it out. License, passport, passport, expiration date, put it in your calendar. You're going to get your passport and you're like, this expires into thousand years. I would love to read all this, but the kind of person who has time to. I mean, I actually drink Huel. All right, because you just. You drink it and you're done. I don't have time to read all this copy. Hey, Huell, believe in yourself. You think so? You think that the people who actually use your product have time to read about. This is a thing and it's a drink. And I know. Amanda Rush Huel Black edition ready to drink complete meal. It is actually. This is actually so good. I really do use this all the time. I don't even know all this about it. I just think it tastes good. 35 grams of protein. Oh, yeah. I did 27 essential vitamins. Maybe this is why it looks so good. No artificial sweeteners, colors or flavors. Gluten free under $5 per meal. It's fast. It fills me up. It helps me be consistent. I have these in my fridge and when I. I'm having decision fatigue and I don't want to have to if I. I cannot. The amount of plates, when you have a kid, it's just spinning. It's just plates. If I have to look at it. Honestly, if you just can't take another plate, if you can't open another drawer, you gotta heal. Yes. If you go to Coachella, if you're busy and you go to the gym, yes, this is genius. But I just, I can't. I can't take it anymore. The plates. And I'm so grateful to Huell for giving me something I can just grab. I can drink it in the car and it's delicious. For a limited time offer, get Huell 15% off online with my code whitney@huel.com whitney new customers only. Thank you, Huel, for partnering and supporting our show. Support for today's episode comes from Square and they have got big news. During Square's biannual releases event, they launched a wave of new tools to help local businesses run faster, smarter, and more productive profitably. I always notice when a business uses Square because it's like, it's. There's just no Rigamar Roll checkout. It's fast. They know the thing you're not like, waving your card onto any thing. Square made it so you can go in, pay like an adult, and get out of there. All right? They have Square AI, which lets businesses ask questions like, what sold the best last month? Or what day of the week is the slowest? And get instant answers as charts or Tablas tables. They also launched new financial tools that help businesses compare supplier prices, track where that their money is going. Square launched its most powerful tools yet, designed to give local businesses a competitive edge without the complexity. If you are ready to sell smarter, run faster, and stress less. Right now, you can get up to $200 off square hardware@square.com. go, Whitney, that's square S Q U-A R E dot com, G-O slash. Whitney, run your business smarter with Square. Get started today and then you're going to get married in Belize because you're mentally ill. And you're going to go, oh, got to get my passport. It always is going to expire in five days. Have you seen the Hunger Games? That's what the Hunger Games is based on. That's the ip. Just someone getting their passport renewed in not. Not even in a rush. Just a regular, normal, like, you have an appointment. I know you're looking at me like I'm insane. Like, what do you say? Get a copy of your Social Security card. Your mom's not as together as you think she is. She just seems together because you're young, okay? She does not know where that is. Get a copy of your birth certificate. I don't care if your mom lied about your name. You gotta get it. You gotta get your own birth certificate. Your parents house may burn down, okay? Their marriage might be a sham. They may lose these documents, throwing things at each other because they didn't sign a prenup. You never know what's going on with these people, all right? You gotta have a folder with your documents and then photos of it in your phone digitally back it up on the cloud so Planeteer can have it. Just have it all printed out, you know, and just hide it somewhere and forget about it. That is. God, I wish I'd done that in my 20s. The amount of time I spent in the wrong line down at the city hall. And then you get there to get your birth certificate and they're like, oh, we're taking your license because you haven't paid any of your bills. You're like, ah, good thing I'm going out of the country. I mean, you think they don't have it together down There. Then all their computers really do talk to each other in terms of how we project onto people. This is a new thing I kind of figured out. Whatever you think makes someone a dork or like a loser. Loser is kind of a tricky word. I think dork or nerd do what they're doing. Whatever annoys you about someone is always either reflecting what you hate about yourself or what you should be doing, right? Oh, Jenny, like, works so much. She's so ambitious. She's such a workaholic. You need. You're a slob. You are jealous. Just do what Jenny's doing. I'm trying to save you time. I remember understanding this in my 20s because people would make fun of me for working so hard and I didn't have social grace yet. And people would be like, why do you work so hard? And I'd be like, you should just work as hard and it won't make you as mad. There's a couple phrases. I think we should all retire, but especially in your 20s, because I think they're self defeating. But a lot of people make them their identity or use them as an excuse to keep doing something over and over again expecting different results. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And that's not true. The amount of times I've been in a bad relationship or bad work situation, I'm like, what doesn't kill you makes you stung. What? Just say, I'm addicted. I only beat you half to death. I don't like when. That's the advice that's given to you when you're in like a bad relationship and something. So it's like at that age, I'd be like, well, I should get in another bad relationship because it's gonna make me stronger. It helped me glorify, like pain and suffering and be like, I'm just gonna try to make this addict love me. Cause it's gonna make me stronger. Like, what? Let's get it together. Because then we start to attribute failure and being hurt as some kind of resilient, like rising like a phoenix. Like, you don't. You can also just go to bed. I am Bill Cosby. I'm just like, go to bed. I am all these podcasters telling you to sleep. Where there's a will, there's a way. That's not necessarily true. The number of actors I kept dating because I thought my love would make them straight. It's. There's not a way. There's not a way to make that will be into girls better to have loved and lost to never have loved at all. No, better to not have dated a DJ. I think there's like three DJs you can be proud to have dated and they all wear mascot heads and they're all hoping that somebody's willing to fill in for them half the time. Yeah, exactly. And it's not even them under there most of the time. We got to chill with some of these adages, these platitudes like, hurt people, hurt people. But also, she's 30. You can't, you can't follow Mel Robbins and Jay Shetty and Brene Brown and still be a monster. You have to pick a lane. Like, stop the worst people I know as soon as Jay Shetty posts a clip. Like, like, like the worst people you know are watching some of these online therapists and gurus and getting permission to be unapologetic. Stop making excuses for people under the guise of mental health. Wisdom from someone whose podcast is brought to you by bluechew. It's. They're doing the best they can with the tools they have. Yeah, but also they're a tool that's also a thing. Don't justify doing the wrong thing because you have some twisted up self help wisdom making it make sense. Stop fighting so hard to do the wrong thing. I spent so much time in my 20s manipulating situations, being like, yeah, but what doesn't kill you make you stronger. So this isn't gonna me stronger. And then I like, it's again, they don't have the tools. So I'm going to help. It's just learn how to do an actual Rubik's Cube or become an actual master at chess instead of this metaphorical rigamarole. Okay, everyone's saying, like to wear sunscreen. I get if it's not poison. If it's not poison. There's also hats out, wear a hat. Can I. How about his clothes? This is such a boomer take. But like, you can also wear clothes or you wear a hat if it's not made by children. You know, I just, I. Stop letting strangers tell you what to put on your face. Use your head. Stop outsourcing your intuition to grifters. That's. I guess that's my main thing. If someone that doesn't sell sunscreen tells you to use it, think about it. I don't sell sunscreen. So I'm gonna say, maybe I'm on some gloves. I'm on some Diane Keaton, Marcel Marceau, Charlie Chaplin. I'm just doing gloves. I can't be this slippery. All the time, if sunscreen makes you break out, which I'm prone to breaking out. And then I'm putting all this retinol and, like, you know, chemicals. It's like, undoes the whole point of protecting your skin. If I get such a big zit that I have to apply all these carcinogens in order to get rid of it, it's just kind of. There's a. There's only so many layers of sludge. I can function. I mean, wear sunscreen if it. If it's physically safe. I mean, I can't pick up my child half the time. When we're caught both covered in sunscreen, I'm just like, I can't get this kid out of the pool. We're just too lubed up as a he. Like, one of us can't be covered in sunscreen, right? So I got the powder that's not good for you. You know, get. Stay in, go out. See, I had this dog that is a pit bull that was white, and she needed all the sunscreen. I put a shirt on her. And then I went to this vet who was finally like, can you just take her in the shade more? And I was like, it's like, yeah, I take. Take her out at 7am Hang in the shade. Take her out at 2. Find the shade. How about just 20 minutes? How about 20 minutes in with none and then, you know, throw on a fingerless glove. Don't perennium sun without fingerless gloves on, guys. And look, anything I tell. The main reason I'm reluctant is that anyone who's giving you advice should be giving it to you like this. We'll see. Depends. Check the sticker. I don't know anything that I recommend you right now. We're going to find out later. Is a scam. God. I found out that one of my favorite cosmetic brands got funding from Epstein. I'm still using it. I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything. Why can't I listen to R. Kelly? I bought it before I knew. Now we're going to punish everybody. I'm not going to, like, I'm not even going to play it. I think for the skin stuff, because people want to know about the skin stuff. Sleep on your back. I'm not going to explain. Sleep on your back and cover yourself in oil. That's it. I'm truly just a pitted olive. Every night I'm just in a dark room just soaking. That's what works for me. Also, makeup counters. You can go to a makeup counter and they'll teach you how to put makeup on. They might not even work there. There's some that'll just hang out with you. I grew up in department stores, and half of them, you're like, do you even. They're like, yeah, we don't get commission. There's some brands where they're just, you know, in it for the love of the game or they're practicing because they're trying to get, like a beautician degree or something. Some of you. Some of you are out there looking like a jackal. And I know on some days I look like a joker, but that's my brand. That's. I'm a comedian. People need to look at my face and laugh. That's not you in your 20s. You should not have locked into a weird, delusional, body dysmorphia based approach to your face. You don't need to draw your lips on yet you didn't want. You didn't see Selena, that. You don't get that excuse. All right? Give. Give the universe, God, whatever you believe. Just. I would start at least in your 20s, with the benefit of the doubt that evolution or whatever may have been right about how your face should fall. Sit. Just once you start with makeup, it just. It's whack. A mole. You lose sight of what you even look like. And then later in life, it's just. It's just a Salvador Dali painting. I'm like, why? Why is my face just a melting clock on the side of a bench? In 20 years, you have plenty of time to put makeup on. You're going to be down the line. You're going to be 20 years down the line. You're going to be going to Home Depot, getting caulk and grout with the lever on the back. Okay? You don't. Don't get too attached to any regimen. I used to wear when I was in my 20s. My thing was black lipstick because Lisa Loeb wore it in a music video where she was, like, storming up and down a hallway. And I wore this brown lipstick every day in my 20s. I look back at these photos. I look just dirty. I look sick. I look like a wino. I look like I have wine stains. I didn't drink in my 20s. It made me look 30 years older than my age. It was. It looks like I gave up halfway through a racist costume. It was just. It was not working for me. Which also means get good friends in your 20s who are going to tell you the truth. I guess now you go on social media and people tell you maybe your personality. It's that, like, I couldn't. I was trying to do everything except just fix my personality. My friends that have been texting me about these episodes when they're like, well, it's just like, tell them about how, like this mask and this, this lotion and this cream and this brand and da, da, da. And I'm like, no, I'm telling them to forgive their dad. That is the ultimate beauty secret is to forgive your. But I need to sleep eight hours. You will if you forgive your dad. And an aloe mask won't hurt. It's like, it's not. There's nothing that can happen before you forgive your parents. None of these health things. I need to de stress I have anxiety. Can you just think it's funny that your parents were crazy? That to me is the ultimate. Like, what's the thetan level of Scientology? Like, that's it. Where you go, oh, my God. If my mom was the number two in a in Bridesmaids, it'd be my favorite character. If some. If Kristen Wiig played my mom in a movie, it'd be my favorite movie. But she's my mom, so it's trauma. If my dad was played by Robert Downey Jr. In any movie, I'd be like, da clever guy. Ah. Both of his wives were happy. They both. I, you know, how does he do it? How does he do it? But when it's your dad, it's a nightmare. It just wrecks your self esteem. So just, you know, forgive your parents. People wanted me to do some red flags in men, you know? You know, the red flag is, you know, don't. You don't need a red flag from me. But there's. I mean, there's basic ones that I have is if a man says crashing updates with no plans, telling me your plans that don't involve me or no plan to see me. I know about buffalo wild wings. I know. I know about it. I know. I know about Wingstop. I know dizzied wings with my guy. Okay, you're gonna send me a photo of it. There's. I'm good. I don't need a pen pal. A mattress with no cover on it. Not even a sheet, Nothing. No, sir. Not ready. Not ready. Not washing your jeans. I will die on this hill. If you are a man, you're gonna wash your jeans once a month and you can dry them out. I know there's a Japanese denim that you can't wash. It'll change the fit Then change your body to fit the new fit. Change your body to fit the ones that don't have laryngitis. Okay. And on the pants. I want to see a belt. The older I get, the more I realize all of the men that I couldn't rely on didn't wear a belt. You certainly can't have a chain wallet and no belt. You gotta hold it together. Love bombing. I'm fine with. Yeah. Yes. Do it. What a guy. Moving slow. It's. It's gonna end. It's gonna end fast or slow. All right? I'd rather you be in and out. All right? It's like you're the loser. If you love mom, women act like it's like, yeah, it's confusing. It's gaslighting. It's all those things, but it's like they're the losers. Like you're. It's like you went to Trader Joe's, you filled up your card, and then you're gonna just not check out. Everyone knows you're a loser, and you deserve that. A guy that talks trash about exes. I'm not. You know this, you know this, you know this, you know this, you know this. If all three of your exes are stalkers, all of them, they're coming to pick up their stuff. You go to the same gym. No girl hears a guy go, like, my ex is a stalker. And it's like. It's just like, why weren't you more clear? Seems like you need to be more clear. Seems like you need to leave the gym after three and a half hours. She was going to show up at some point. Anyone that does bits at the bowling alley. You know what? A guy, like, throws a bowling ball at a bowling alley, and you're just like, who do you think's going to. Someone has to fix that. Gutters on purpose. Get out of here. Or just funny. Bowling drives me nuts. Are we playing or not? Are we playing or not? Are you here to win or get one for your blooper reel? Game night. What are you doing? Someone put dip in a bowl. This isn't your. Are you a Leo? A. Don't invite Leos to game night. It's just how it's too. Too much. A guy whose handshake with other men is just too complicated. Like you Stop trying to make men miss your handshake. It's such a weird. You never look cool because they didn't get it. Calling his mom by his first name. If anyone does that. Girl. Boy. As soon as someone's like, Lori, I'm like, kid, I don't. I hate your mom and that was rude. Your mom should honestly be in jail. But like, that was apologize. Can't stand. The main thing is how they hold their phone. Can they put down their phone, just walk away or after they put down their phone, is it like they have to swallow it? Do they hold it here? Do they put them inside? Do they put their phone inside their body? If a guy has a panic attack when a text happens, that's it. No one does that and is like, oh God. The Amex payment went through a guy. Drinking as a sport to numb trauma is fine, but to do it as a competitive, like, it's just dorky. And you know why? If you're going to drink and poison yourself and. And be the bad boy, do it. Don't trick us into cheering for you. Now I have to be a cheerleader. Be like, go, go, go. Don't make me like cheer your just be like, I'm sad, like I don't want to be here so I'm gonna drink. I'd be like, awesome. That. Go, go, go. Like that Cool. But don't make me. Don't pretend it's I'm lame if I don't cheer for your. It's 5:15 on a Wednesday, guys. I just read about how dinosaurs are fake. I need someone to be sober and to talk to me about this because I just read that none of the bones that are in the museums are real and they've never found a complete one and that the bones are radioactive, so that's why none of us have seen them. I need someone who is not out of their mind trunk to talk to me. I'm raw dogging this life and I need someone who's willing to participate. I love you guys, especially if you're in your 20s. Good luck. And if you're lucky, you will one day be 40 doubting dinosaurs existed. But for now, just don't. We're not there yet. You're in your 20s. It's fine. Don't take any photos on elephants or with tigers or any apex predators. I promise you, you don't want that karma. You'll be apologizing it for 350 episodes of your podcast. You can't reason with the sun. Trust us, we've tried. This summer, it's time to put that angry ball of fire on mute. Columbia's Omnishade technology is engineered to protect you from the sun's harsh rays that can burn and damage your skin. The sun is relentless but so is our gear. Level up your summer@columbia.com to spend more time outside and less time slathering on aloe lotion. You're welcome. Columbia engineered for whatever.