← Good For You with Whitney Cummings
Good For You with Whitney Cummings
ADVICE FOR WOMEN IN THEIR 3O'S SPECTACULAR | Good For You #335
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Hey, y'. All. Welcome to the program. This week, I will not be talking about if dinosaurs were real or not. I won't be talking about the moon landing. No. I really wanted to do an episode that was an advice episode. I asked the Internet what they wanted me to talk about. I was overwhelmingly not getting requests to talk about geopolitics or I taking over. I think people want a little break. People want advice because they look at me and they go, look at her. I want that. I want a kid out of wedlock at 40 and to be engaged to a guy who doesn't have kneecaps. So here's the thing. I have accumulated a lot of very good advice over my life. Have I taken it all? Debatable, but I have it. I wrote a book that's around here somewhere called I'm Fine and Other Lies that has excellent advice in it. At the time, I didn't have the attention span to, to. To cont, like, recur with all of the healers and therapists and psychoanalysts and, you know, random just wellness people that only took checks and worked out of their apartments. But I went to one or I went as far as I could go to get as much information I could to be like the Robin Hood of mental health, to like, give it to other people. So a lot of that is in my book. This episode is going to be advice for girls in their 30s. I'm also doing an episode that's advice for girls in their 20s. That's a totally separate one. We are focusing on advice for women in their 30s because, like, Mel Robbins, love you, but like, let's. Is it let them. That's two words. I'm about to give you about 850,000 words. You can go to other mental health experts and find someone that will be a war shock test and allow you to project. I'm not that person. I'm getting granular. I'm getting into the details. I'm not being vague here today. Okay. There will also be no fake CIA experts on this episode. There's this thing now where everyone's getting their advice from all these former FBI people. Is there really no, like, clause in the application for FBI CIA, like a non disclosure agreement that's like, hey, when we fire you for being a fraud, you can't go on podcasts for four and a half hours and tell people how we do it. Every. Every wellness podcast high performer podcast right now is like former CIA expert. And he's like, so at Area 51, this is what's actually, you're like. I feel like if you really worked there, you couldn't say any of this. Everyone just has a red dot. I know. I don't know. Okay. I don't think you worked at the CIA. I just don't. Because you're telling me the location of what? It's just not. It's a lot of. A lot of CEOs giving advice. What's this company? Why is it a dot net? I feel like real CEOs don't have time to do four and a half hour podcasts in Austin. Am I wrong? You're a CEO? Why. Why are you on Bad Friends? What? You're the. You're the. The biggest. You were at the top of the FBI. Why are you on Tiger Belly? What? Why is Bobby Lee showing you his balls? I don't feel like you're an expert, but I am an expert on making mistakes. I've made them all. I can help you avoid some. I'm not an expert in anything except the things that matter. Except that are applicable to you. Why am I taking advice even if you are a real FBI CIA person? That's not my goal. I just want to not cheat on my soulmate. Can you help me with that? I just want to not tweet something that I can never untweet that's going to be screen grabbed and taken over to threads. I. We. Most of us don't need to know how to run 50 miles and be in ketosis for two and a half years. That's going to happen naturally because of the AI apocalypse that will be forced upon us. We don't have to do it voluntarily. Most of us are just trying to pay our bills and not turn our children into stand up comedians. Okay, here we go. The much requested advice for women in their 30s. This will be in no particular order. I'm going to be all over the place. It's going to be very stream of consciousness. But you know what? Allow this to be an example of why being authentic makes you money. It's not going to be perfect. In my 20s, I thought I had to be perfect. In my 30s, I was like, oh, no one wants that. No one's into it. So buckle up, buttercup. But take notes because if you're in your 30s, this will change your life. First up, freeze your eggs. I know it sounds elitist, but this will save you from having a kid with the worst person on earth or settling because you think you're running out of time. Nobody can afford to freeze our eggs. I know this. But you have to. You have to hinge the emotional cost with the financial costs. It's expensive to freeze your eggs, but a very small price to pay to not have a kid with a guy who has called himself an entrepreneur for 10 years and still has six roommates. I know, I know it's expensive. But you need to start asking your friends to not buy you thing. Don't buy me a Starbucks gift card or some facial that is going to make me break out and probably give me impet. Buy me some ros all day down at the fancy Double Tree in Des Moines, which I will be this Saturday. See you soon, guys. Ask for cold hard cash. I'm not kidding. And if you have friends in your 30s that think it's weird that you're asking them for cash instead of ros all day, they're not your friends. They don't get it by the time you're 30, we're talking cash. Cash. Right. I think a 30th birthday, that is when you should have a registry. That is the only time you should be able to get a registry. Not for having a baby or getting married. You don't need stuff for that. You don't need a registry for a baby. All you need are truly burp cloths, which is what Pat got me. And human beings to help you do laundry and shower. No amount of sound machines is going to clean up the crusty breast milk out of your crevices. You don't need anything else. I know I cannot convince girls to freeze their eggs in their 20s, so I don't even bother with the 20s advice episode. But you do need to do it. And you don't just stop buying stuff. You don't need that new bathing suit. Nobody cares. Nobody has ever gotten a promotion or a husband because of a new bathing suit when you have five perfectly good ones at home. Maybe Farrah Fawcett. Maybe. Maybe. Or the girl from the Robin Thicke video. Maybe if you're not actively making money as a swimsuit model, you need three swimsuits tops. Stop buying swimsuits. Freeze your eggs. You might not even use these eggs, by the way. You may use them for your third kid when you're 45. Who does. Just don't have a panic child at 38 years old with a guy who spends most of his time trying to convince females that monogamy is not natural. That's what's gonna happen. That's what's gonna happen in your 30s. I don't even go to the Gym. I do push ups every time I have five minutes before zoom. I'll work out while I'm podcasting. You should always be kind of working out. I'm not kidding. This isn't a joke. I'm not even trying to be funny. This is just true. I do prison body weight workouts. If you have time or money for an overpriced gym, but not time and money to freeze your eggs, we will have words. You're 30. Your priorities don't get to be like this. All right, I'm gonna throw in a couple little ones too, but this is one to save money. No gag gifts. You're an adult now. No one wants your gag gift. You're just giving someone Chinese trash. You're just helping the enemy. By 30, you have to understand the difference between someone laughing at you and smiling at you because they have to and because they want to. If you give someone a gag gift, they. They. They have to laugh. They feel sorry for you. They also feel insulted. Also, stop apologizing, because I know in your head you just went, oh, God, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. Don't. Don't do that either. All right, Stop apologizing. If you apologize when you didn't do anything wrong, it's weird. In your 20s, it's like, you know, you probably did something wrong when a girl in their 20s, like, sorry. I'm like, you know what? Probably. I bet when someone in their 30s does it, it makes you look like a weirdo. It's like druggy behavior, you know, like, get it together. By your mid-30s, frankly, you shouldn't be saying much at all. You should only be talking if it's absolutely necessary. Most men aren't going to hear you anyway, so choose your moments wisely. So everyone's like, when you do talk, they're like, whoa, Helen Keller said something. Keep them guessing. I said it once, I'll say it again. Silence is the only language men understand. You're going to talk less. You're also going to get aaa. You're getting aaa. I don't know what to tell you. You're getting triple A. And while you're at it, you're going to go to aa. All the acronyms. This is. This is your decade for the acronyms. You're going to AA because you're going to get ahead of it because you are addicted to something. You're addicted to something. If it's not alcohol, it's bad relationships, it's drama, it's shopping, It's Labubus. It's lip balm. It's the ren faire. Whatever it is. Also, you're not gonna like this, but you need to go to the dentist. I know you do. You're an animal. You're flossing your gums. Your gums are connected to your actual brain. I don't know why I didn't put that together till, like, way too late in life. Also, you're going to stop dating anyone where you have to be fake interested in their stories. I promise they. No one gets funnier over time. The stories from their past never get better. There's no past story where you're like I, now that I hear it that way. And here's another thing. You're not going to like it, but it's. This is really going to help you find out who your friends are and deter people that aren't, like, the cool kind of weird. You're going to stretch in public. You're going to stretch when you're waiting in line. I go to the airport, and you're all just standing there. Just standing there, just atrophying in front of my very face. No one's stretching. No one's doing squats. No one's practicing for a. Yeah. Sport that they'll never get drafted for. No one's practicing their three pointers. No one's tackling anyone. It's. That is. Honestly. I sit at the airport, I'm looking at everyone. I'm like, really? Really? Y' all have two hours to kill. And this is the posture you choose? This is the way you're choosing to spend this? I'm hanging from the Hudson news gutter, indoor gutter, doing dips. It's like the guy that the Epstein files. Guy who is like, the Epstein files have been released. And all y' all acting normal. I'm like, you're all just. Yeah, The Epstein files were released, and you're not even doing planking. There will be a day when you need to reach into the back seat of your car while at a stoplight to hold down a cat you rescued that was actually just trying to leave its home to go die. And you will have to hold it down till you get to the vet. There will be a day you have to climb out of a window very quickly because a woman that you did not know existed got home early from Coachella. Okay. And your Achilles is going to be too tight. What else? Oh, the cat. Well, that reminds me. Get pet insurance, you pig. It's $10 a month. I promise You. You will go to a vet one day when there's absolutely nothing wrong with your animal. They will give it a fake surgery. That will be $6,000. There will be a day your dog is perfectly fine, and they will charge you $2,000 for fake tests. And you. So pay them fake money. Don't pay them real money for a fake test. Introduce them to the people you've been paying $10 a month. Hook up the criminals. Make them deal with each other. Okay, yeah, honestly, they might find their soulmate. They. You might be setting up two people that fall in love. If you put the veterinarian's office on with the pet insurance people, they will find their soulmate. They're like, we weren't really going to charge her that. Yeah, we weren't really gonna. Well, we haven't really done the test either. They will be dying laughing. They do this service. You are now Cupid. If you are paying full price for clothes, you should be in a mental hospital. I'm not even kidding. If you're paying retail, look, you can participate in being stolen from if that's your kink. Like, if you're, like, dying to get Sydney Sweeney your money because you think you'll. You want to be able to, like, when you run into it, be like, I bought these because of you. Like, I don't know if that's why people go to, like, stores. I'm not clear. I have not bought something poshmark, Etsy, vintage only. Anything you see that is $300 you can find secondhand on a resale site right now for at least half that. And you get it. You're saving money and you're getting good karma because you're also supporting a woman who is in a pickle if she needs to turn that top around this fast. After it was in stores two weeks ago, her sugar daddy left. But good news for you, you have a new reformation top. Okay? Even wedding dresses, by the way. Spending money on clothes. This is how they keep us down and scared. I do feel like having some cash on hand is the only way to not be in a complete panic at all times. But we're like, I gotta get that top. Depending on what state you live in, with taxes, State, federal, all of it. Income with somewhat sales tax. Insane. Say something's $100. You have to earn 200 to afford it. So basically duplicate, everything's twice as much as you think it is. Okay? So, wedding dress. Oh, my God. I found this wedding dress for $300. Babe, that's $6. Hundred. $600 eBay. Never worn wedding dresses. Jump in. The water is warm. It's shocking how many people buy wedding dresses and never wear them. Am I going to be one of them? You'll find out after the break. Relationships. Let's get to it. So if he doesn't text you back in 24 hours, block him. I'm so sorry. This isn't my advice. If you're in your 20s, I think you should go for it. I think you can change him. You need to learn the hard way. I can't tell you, it's not personal. The deal is, by the time you're 30, you just have to accept the fact that you're either his soulmate or. Or a video game. There's no in between. If he's giving you video game, you're also not even the princess in the video game. You're the mushroom. Well, no, no. The mushroom was important. There's a little power up with Mario. Yeah, you're a little power up. Like you're his little ego. You're as mushroom he pounces on to get a little ego up. That's it. There's no exceptions. Listen to me. Listen to Auntie Whitney here, okay? You can absolutely not hear from him for 24 hours and go post on Instagram looking cute or like his Snapchat and remind him that you exist or show up where you know he's gonna be. You will possibly get the result you want, won't be the result you need. He. Here's the other thing. He'll probably take the bait. You might even be together for a year or two, but you will always know that you manipulated the situation. You will never trust him. And you will always know the only reason he texted you back is because you forced it. And you will hate him. You will hate him and you will hate yourself. And one day you'll be in Costco and he'll be like, do we need more conditioner? Like, oh, you remembered. I didn't have to post about conditioner on Facebook for you to remember. Like, you will snap. Okay, Read the book. Getting to I Do it is a very bad title, and the book is deeply toxic, but it is correct. Okay. It's also tricky, though, because whatever. When you chase something, it feels good. It feels fun. Like peekaboo. We like playing peekaboo. We never get past peekaboo. Guys with boobs and butts. It's just peekaboo again. That's. It's peekaboo. A new shirt. Peekaboo. We wear Sunglasses. Peekaboo. We love peekaboo. We love peekaboo. I see my son with his peekaboo now, and I'm like, we never stop. I'm like, he's so obsessed with peekaboo. What is this peekaboo thing? Do I need to get him on the spectrum? I'm like, no, we never stop playing peekaboo. That's it. The Kardashians made a bra with nipples in it. Peekaboo. You. But you gotta stop with the peekaboo. I gotta unwire. Our deep reptilian obsession with peekaboo coupled with the fact that we've been brainwashed by movies and music to believe that, you know, a pit in your stomach is, like, chemistry and, like, passion, and you need to, like, chase people, like, in the rain. No, that's just familiar. Movies and music trained us to conflate our body's alarm system with butterflies. Butterflies? No, no. He still lives with his ex, babe. Adrenaline makes dopamine, and that makes a person a drug. A guy that doesn't text you back is a drug. If you're gonna do drugs, go do the fun ones. This isn't even a fun one. A person who stresses you out and makes you feel uncertain is addictive because they make adrenaline and that turns into dopamine. We're wired for completion, okay? We will finish a terrible movie no matter how bad the movie is. I'm like, let's just. I mean, we want to know how it ends. We're wired for completion. We can't get out of a bad relationship till it's done because, well, I gotta know how it ends. I'm on the edge of my seat. Wait a minute. He said he was going to come over and he just texted me that he's in Tulsa. We should move in together because I am dying to know how this ends. Watch someone else's movie. You don't have to be in it. God, there are times you're just like, I am I. Will they or won't they? Will he, like, go watch the Notebook? Go watch it. Live vicarious. Live like an adult, okay? Don't be the one. You have to override this reptilian wiring. That is the key to having time and dignity in your 30s. Has it end? I gotta climb over this wall and peek into his window? It doesn't. You don't need to know how it ends, and you don't need closure. It was never open. It's closed. It's Blockbuster Video. That's it. I. You know how it ends. He's in Tulum for business. What business? There's no business. He. He's not. He has creatine poisoning. He can't take you on dates because he's saving money to go to Turkey to get the hair plugs so he can date a girl whose thighs don't touch. How much more closure do you need? You made it all up in your head. Honestly, if you're going to gamble, at least do it for real. Go to Vegas. Go gamble. Go to a. Do a. You know, I don't know, go to one of those gambling sites, you know, preferably one of the ones whose founders aren't currently in prison, and actually gamble with your money instead of your collagen and your time, because that you could actually pay off, right? We're wired for completion and we want to know how a relationship ends. How about just like, you know how it ends? I walk away and get to have a family. I. I've never experienced that ending personally, but I think you should. It ends always the same. Spoiler alert. The way it ends is that you're three years older and you may miss your window to have kids. And by the time you do find the right person, you'll be too mad at the wrong person to be present and not chock full of crystallized resentment. Avoid collecting bad data on men and women. If a guy's bad news, just get out of there, because then you're going to, like, make the case that all men are bad. This is what I. I wasted a lot of time going, like, dating Bad News Bears because I was just like, oh, I'm not ready for something real. So I'm just going to date, you know, DJs and aspiring magicians. I know. Mentalist. Sorry, an art director. Sorry, what is it? What. What is art? Creative director, whatever it is. And you're like, ah, it's fine. It's not serious. Don't do that. Because then you're just collecting bad data and God knows how many microbes. I know. It's fun to date weirdos. I know, but you're just adding up in your brain and forming a generalization that will make your bar go lower and lower until you find yourself resetting your bumble password in an overpriced rehab. I don't want that for you. If I were to do it over again, I would be have been single way longer. Rather than just being like, I'm gonna put myself out there, you know, I'm gonna go get a fun story out of it. No one thinks that story's fun. It makes them sad. No one thinks it's cool. You knew he was broken. You thought you could fix him. I get it. But how about this? He's less broken than you because at least he's not trying to fix an adult. You're trying to rescue a grown man who would not piss on you if you were on fire. But he's crazy. He. No, he'd probably piss on you, but not if you were on fire. Look, I can't say this to girls in their 20s because they still need to, like, work it out. They still need to make some mistakes. But if you're in your 30s and you're still trying to fix men, you. You should be required to do habitat for humanity and fix, like, a house for someone actually in need. Like, we need some kind of consequence for this. I know it's hard to not breastfeed grown men. It's hard. Anyway, if you struggle with this, read the book. Getting the love you want again, embarrassing name. I got that book back when I had to go to Barnes and Noble and ask for it. No, cut to me going to the desk and being like, do you guys have a book? It's called getting the love you want. The guy literally goes, getting the love you want over the loudspeaker. Getting the love you want. Getting the love. Do we have get relationship? I'm like, dude, it was so hard for me to come here and do this. You can't do this. It's all about how what we want. Essentially, we're attracted to people that have the negative qualities of our primary caretakers. Ensure you're in love with your dad. I'm sorry, but you can't. You can't date your dad. There's laws about this. There's laws about this, all right? And guess what? Your dad doesn't want to date you. He's not interested. Tough. So then the first guy that comes along who ignores you in the exact same way we think is our SoulMate. In your 20s, you're allowed to do this. In your 30s, you're not in your 20s, you can drink and have, like, a hangover, and it's, like, funny. In your 30s, it's sad. It's a condition. It's an ancestral curse you need to break. You should remember how you got home last night in your 30s, and you're not rescuing grown men. All right, you get. You can make all the mistakes with guys date, you know, buffon, mullet guy and V neck king. But in your 30s, your ovaries are like, do you even need us at this point? You know, like, vintage car. You have to, like, start it, like, every week. Ovaries. You have to, like, let them know you're around. Men that could be a father, they just need to know. They need to feel some kind of testosterone somewhere. Oh, and if you think that he has a girlfriend and you're hanging out with him, put a couple bobby pins by his bed. He will never notice it, but she will. Anyway, moving on. If you do find the right person in your 30s. Shut up. That's it. That's all it is. Just. You have to shut up. You have got to shut up. That is the only advice. The fact that I am giving people advice to shut up. I understand the abysmal death of this irony, okay? I. I implore you, if you find one, thank the Lord every day and worship that person. Don't test them. I know it's in our nature. Just be nice. Just be nice. Nobody wants to be roasted or made fun of or called out. Even if he says, yeah, I love a girl, she gives it to me. She really. He doesn't like it. No one likes it. No one likes it. Take this from me. Don't make fun of them in public. Ever, ever, ever. Even if there's something to be made fun of, Even if you're in the right, you have to shut up. You've got to. You cannot make fun of them. Well, Pat over here, Shirt guy. None of it. You. You're right. You're correct. Pat is shirt guy. Okay. Yes. Yes. My guy will, like, fake skate downstairs at a wedding, and I. I go, woo. That was so good. You have to like it. You're not like, oh, this guy. Oh, oh, rickety cartilage over here. Nothing. No jokes. You do not make fun of your person in public. Ever, ever, ever, ever. You. It might. You might think you got away. You might think, like, where's. I married my best friend. He's my rock. They will never forget it. In that moment. They're done. They're done. They're done. It's just about planning their escape. You'll notice. You notice. You went to the ATM machine. Oh, you got cash. Okay. Oh, you're opening another bank account. Like, it'll just be gradual. Oh, oh. All of a sudden, he's doing mud runs. We can have separate hobbies. It. I'm telling you, in your 20s, say it all. Say it. They're not right. Anyway. In your 30s, you gotta shut up. You should know by now that words have never fixed anything Shutting up is the honestly most loving thing you can do. I know. I know. You're the main character, and you want to, like, do your little monologue and you need to have the last word, but there's no. There's nothing to say. I know that sounds crazy. You. You. You can't. You can't win in a fight, in a relationship. That means you're on opposite teams. Now. I'm not happy about this. It's just true. None of. None of what I'm saying do I like or support. I'm just telling you what will work. Once you're in a relationship, you're. You've lost it. There's no pride. You have no leverage. In order to win something, you have to have leverage. You can go. I'm out. All right. Oh, oh, oh. You can't. There's nothing to do. You can't threaten to leave. You can't say the thing back. You can't even dunk on them because then what? You will have always have dunked on them. And then if you. You wait. You. You think I'm an idiot? Then why are you with me? Then they respect. They lose respect for you and go find someone better, and you're back on hinge being better. You can't be with someone that you're better than because it makes them better than you. God, it's a nightmare. So there's. Stop with the dignity. Stop with the power plays. There's no. You don't have any power. There you go. There's no power to be had. Also, your boyfriend is not your girlfriend. They don't. It's not. They don't not love you. They just can't. Pat sits here and listens to me talk. I get an invoice after, to be clear. Okay. If I don't pay it, I'm sure I get a reminder. Okay. Chris, my guy's listening to me. He listens to me on the podcast so he doesn't have to listen to me in person. Like, it's not. Anytime they are listening, there's, like, a reason. Okay? You talk to your girlfriends. You talk to them about that, your boyfriend, you. You sit in silence. That's it. That's it. They can't be your emotional support system. That's not. It's like, the same way that you can't play Dungeons and Dragons and Call of Duty with him for two days straight. They're not going to talk to you about Lindsay being weird. Don't date guys who shave their chest. Don't date Guys who don't return their carts tells me everything I need to know. Your first date should always be the grocery store. See, if they return their cart, that's it. Guys who fall asleep the second they get on the plane, I just. Like, we're in the sky. Is this. You're just. Okay, so you're just. You're just. You're just letting everyone know, like, I can't help. I'm. I'm. I need a nappy poo. If you need a, like, a body to be in your way when you're helping, I got ya. You need something to roll your ankle on when you're trying to jump over the middle seat to get to the marauder in the sky, I'm your corpse. It's not normal. He can't care more about his car than his dog. You know those guys, they're like, their car that. They're. They're. They have, like, a diaper in their car. Washing their car with, like, a diaper. And their dog's overweight. Hate your guts. Two phones. I'm not even. That's obvious by now. If they're rude to waiters, yuck. If they can't get be friends with girls, we got a problem on our hands. That he should have a couple platonic girlfriends too. From high school. From high school. Not named Amber. I know, but just like, if they're not friends with any girls from high school, something off. If he doesn't just, like, say hi to his female neighbor instead of, like, she's just invisible because she's married and they should be friends with their God, their, like, homeboy's wife. Like, when you're dating a guy and they're like, oh, this is my best friend from childhood. I'm like, oh, what's his wife's name? They're like, Emma or Emily. He can go out with his boys, that's fine. But if he says my boys, nope, I'm going out with the boys. Excuse me, are there any men anywhere? Any men at the bar? Don't allow guys to communicate with you through memes only. Nope, that's not. If a man sends you funny memes, he's not funny. He didn't write them. You don't get points for the memes you sent. You're not funny. Sending you a quote from Joe Dirt doesn't mean you're funny. Sending me a bunch of sending. DMing me homework isn't dating. Why am I watching a bunch of videos of Trump as a baby? This isn't hanging out Guys used to take you to a movie. Now he just DMs you. 30 mini movies a day. You have to watch alone. There's always a quiz at the end. So the Kill Bill Paw Patrol thing was funny, right? What? I know. I haven't gotten to that one. Sorry. Do you have your own personality at all, or we just. Are we just all. The sum of the videos we save on Instagram and tick tock. If a guy texts you for more than three days and doesn't make a plan, goodbye. Take advice about men from men and advice about women from women. You can take advice from your girlfriends about should I date him? Because they know you so well. But you're not. We're not. They're not. I love my girlfriends. Their advice about dating is never helpful. They. You. They love you too much. Like, he has WI fi on the plane. His phone isn't down. What does that mean? His phone might be down. His what? His phone might be down. Thank you for loving me so much, but this isn't love. Cell reception isn't weird. He doesn't have a Samsung. He's in Texas with his actual girlfriend. It's fine. No, I shouldn't email him. And maybe he's an email guy. Okay, he saw my message. He ignored it because he wants to date a woman who doesn't make him watch videos about how when we landed on the moon, they called Nixon on a landline in the White House from the moon in the 50s. And I can't get reception in 2026 on the 405 in Los Angeles. Okay, well, maybe he didn't get your text if he was on the 405 in Los Angeles, to be fair. Oh, gosh. All right, enough advice about humans, because there won't be any in a couple of years. So digital hygiene. This is important for your mental health. Everyone I know is like going to therapists and, you know, going on meds for the. You need to unfollow everyone you're following. Anyone makes you feel bad, unfollow them. Especially celebrities. The number of celebrities my friends follow is so cr. You should. We're not designed to be looking at photos of people all day who have trainers and dietitians and facialists and hair artists and makeup artists. What you should. No human should ever see a celebrity's closet. Can you imagine Marie Antoinette letting any of them see? They. Kings and queens know this. They're like, you can't see what we have. You'll kill us. Marie Antoinette didn't let the people she was ruling. Come in and see. All the cakes she was feeding to the rats in her wig is a joke. Like, we can't get a credit card that gives you points and miles and use them. You better be on the phone with the credit card company, an airline, Amex. You better bookmark the login sites for these. These ridiculously byzantine, impossible to figure out mile sites. This is to get your Christmas gifts. You're going to use miles if you pay for traveler hotels. Honestly, you hate yourself and you hate me. You're being played for a fool. So many companies. So many companies rely on us not wanting to deal with this rigamarole. But the people who are willing to spend the time. You're the ones that save money. Apps and streamers, they don't need you to watch their shows. They need you to sign up once and then forget. That's 12 bucks a month. What, am I gonna call? Yeah, you're gonna call. You're gonna download the app, okay? You're gonna log in, you're gonna have a number with a letter and a peace sign and a hashtag, okay? Because you know what you did? You downloaded an app that told you what kind of flower it was when you took a photo. 18amonth for the rest of your life. They don't even have people working to have these apps. These apps got started, so you downloaded them and they're like, well, we got what we needed. I go back, I'm like, I thought I had an app where I took a picture of a flower and it told me what it was. I don't know where it is. I'm still being charged from some, like, Russian sbc, global Bitcoin Ethereum account. So you're going to be the person who gets turned on by a hassle, and you won't go broke, okay? Be the person who goes, I'm sorry, I just stayed at your hotel for a couple days, and on my thing, there's a resort fee for $150. Can you walk me through this, Ned? Oh, it's for newspapers and wi Fi. What are we. What are we, five? You're gonna look me in the eye and say that. I know. I know. You're slowly dying from the inside, but I'm alive and I'm awake. I know you hate your job, but we will. We will sit here until this is off my room. I know, I know. I don't like it either. I'm sorry. I know. There's a line. I got it. I know, I know. I'm also Paying on Hilton honors points. And technically, this is not even money coming out of my pocket. This is your game. I'm just playing. I'm just winning. All right, you've met the winner of your game. Hi. And yes, if you get rooms only on points, your room will have a radiator in it on the wall that none of the other rooms have, with a view of a dumpster that seems to have body shaped trash bags inside. Fine, fine. Circle of life. You have to treat your money like your favorite video game on your phone or your PlayStation. Your money is Zelda. Get off Farmville or Fruit Ninja or Kung Fu Panda or Instagram for five minutes and make your money. And tracking your money, your credit cards, the airlines, make it your favorite game. Go through all the transactions and play Grand Theft Auto. With the constant theft going on in the app stores, I'm telling you, the amount of money, I don't think they're a sponsor anymore. But I think rocket money does this right. They look at all your crazy charges. I was paying for a hiking trail app that I downloaded. Coincidentally, when cannabis became legal, I was like, I'm go for hikes, never come back. Also, for God's sakes, stop going to Starbucks every day. Make your own coffee. When someone asked me for money, which happens pretty often, first question I asked, do you make your own coffee? If you do, I'll give you any amount of money. If you show up with a Starbucks and you're like, can I borrow some money? I'm like, all right, so you, you found some money for the pumpkin spice, coconut milk cake pop. At least jam down your gullet before you get here. I mean, geez, I love prop comedy as much as the next person, but don't walk in with a twelve dollar drink and then ask me to pay your rent. I have some money. I'm bad with it, by the way. That's the way to do it. What else? Get a bunker. Obviously, if you can't get a bunker, solar powered chargers, generator. I know this advice seems a little conflicting. I'm like, freeze your eggs and get a solar powered ventilator. Gotta be ready for anything. Print three copies of your passport and license, birth certificate, insurance card, put them in your purse, your car, a drawer, all important stuff. And then you got to screen, grab them into a folder that just. I have a screen, a folder. It just says important things, photos of everything. Assume everything you own will catch on fire at some point. Because it will. Well, no, in order for something to catch on fire, there has to be Electricity. The grid has to be up. Have all the receipts you need in an apocalypse to prove you're an American is what I'm saying. I have the Mini Seed Bank. Don't vape or smoke, you psycho. When you do that, you're just like, hey, everyone who loves me, you know that money that you work so hard for? Well, make sure to save it up, because in 20 years, you're gonna have to pay for my corny cringe addictions. Kaiser Permanente also takes credit, so get onto the cash. You can just put. Put your card down. Thanks so much. Anytime someone misunderstands you in a way that feels intentional, that's all they do. That's what they do. That's it. Anytime someone accuses you of doing what they're doing, that's what they're doing. You're not making it up. All right. Don't get ferrets. Snakes are fine. Are you pretending? That's the main thing at 30. Am I pretending? If you're pretending, you've got to remove yourself. It's so weird. Are you being fake? Why are you being fake? It's so creepy when you're being fake or, like, nice. What you're really saying to people is like, I think you're all too dumb to notice that I'm hate you, that I don't want to be here, that I think you're fine. You're so dumb. Like, everyone's so dumb. What's it like to be the smartest person on Earth that you have to fake everything all the time around people, and they just, like, don't even notice? Must be lonely. All right. I ask people all the time when they're like, in a thing. I'm like, do you like him or are you pretending to like him? It's hard to tell. So even we don't know sometimes. I'm like, I don't even know. But when you're in your 30s, you gotta know. Same with friends. Do you really like her? Are you pretending? Because you should? I know you've known her since high school, but are you pretending it's fun and funny? When you're doing the group photo and she goes to the front and does the splits when she sees a Latino person and she's like, hola. Are you, like, pretending it's cute? Hola. Or is it aloha? You have to leave the function like, this friendship might have run its course. That's okay. You grow apart from people. That's a good thing. You know, you have that friend who's like the costume party girl. We got it. Your dad covered the down payment on your condo. You have this kind of time. I'm so happy for you. But if you are someone with a job, like, I don't have time to do homework for the party. I don't have time to go get a geisha girl outfit on a Friday night for your Memoirs of a geisha party where the photos are gonna, frankly, get me fired if you post them. When someone tells you the same story twice, do you stop them in your 30s? You gotta stop them. You can't. In your 20s, like you, you can listen to the same story again in your 20s, you can go to baseball games. You don't know yet if you like it by 30. If you're still, like, sitting through nine innings and you don't like it. You're weird. Like, it's weird. I always thought it was just being nice. It's weird. People know by 30 people are pretty sober, they can afford contact lens. Like, they know, right? It's confusing when you fake it. Everybody. Everyone thinks you're a scientologist. I'm just gonna say it. If you go through a breakup, clean your house, clean your apartment, clean your car, throw away the expired stuff in your fridge. You can't start over if you don't start over. Breakups, there's so much harder when you keep everything else the same. You have to do a total software update because of, like, just the pattern recognition of, like, the person you break up. But then everything around you looks the same. You got to rearrange your furniture. You got to make you will stub your toe the first couple of nights. Make new playlists. You have to. New perfume. First thing to do when you go through a breakup is change your perfume. You may just need new playlists. That's it. All right, don't get bangs, though. Don't get bangs. Do everything else first and then maybe wait a couple months before the bangs. New shampoo, new conditioner, new brush. All right, you got to do it. Change your commute home from work, right? With your left hand, do something. You have to become a completely new person. It's not that hard. No, but you do have to change the patterns that you had when you were with this person that you subconsciously associate with them. New candles. I don't care if it's half burned, you're throwing it away. New pajamas, new face, new lip balm. All of it. All of it. You're starting over. All right? I don't care how much you Love Bad Bunny. If you guys loved Bad Bunny together. Oh, it's out of the rotation now. I don't care if you like that Matcha Place. I'm not giving up my Matcha Place. Yes, you are in your 20s. You're not giving it up in your 30s. You're giving it up. The Dubai chocolate latte at Starbucks is delicious, but you're not going to. You're getting off the apps. Do not. Don't be someone's video game if you send nude photos of yourself. Listen to me. Crop your head out. I know it's a great angle. You look great. He's not looking at your head anyway, so why not just crop it out? Sorry, I'm. There's plenty of naked girls online he can look at. You don't need to be involved. If he wants a nude photo, how about you tell him to grow up because you would like to have a job and keep it and get promoted. You would like the one job that's left. You can't have nudes flying around. Okay. And also, he might leave you on read before you send that nude. Be like, where are you? I did that once. Didn't hear back for six hours. It got so bad, I started sending it to my guy friends to be like, is this weird? Is there something off about this photo? That's how panicked I got. I started sending it to my guy friends and my. And my girlfriends to be like, is something weird about this? Because he hasn't responded? And then he went, oh, sorry for the delay. I was in church. All right, speed round. Speed round. Learn how to pickle. Learn how to pickle. I'm telling you, learn how to pickle. Mason jar. Be useful. Be able to feed yourself. Okay. Get your eyes checked. You may be blind, literally and figuratively. I know it's expensive. That's annoying. But I. I didn't. I needed glasses for, like, four or five years. And I must say, a lot of the mistakes I made, I really want to blame on that. And I think I can. I'm not even. I'm not even joking. I run into some of the guys that I date, and I was like, huh? I truly thought you were taller than me. That's weird. Read the book the Power of Now. I just do it. I'd say drink water, but, like, have you seen what's in our tap water? I don't know. What do you give advice to people? Drink water or don't drink water. I feel like I would win the wellness community if I just went, you guys don't drink water. Like everybody's life just extends 20 years. Sleep on your back. If you can just figure it out, don't complain, Just do it. And I just put pillows here on each side, but grapeseed oil on your face before you go to bed so that you don't look like a lagoon by the time you're 35 years old. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Don't say it. Mean. Read the book called the Tools by Barry Michaels. Some of it's annoying, like the stories, but a lot of the tools are really good. You don't have to talk to your family if they're whack, but you also might be the one that's whack. Before you cut them off, make sure it's not. You love yourself. Maybe. Maybe be lovable. Also, don't love yourself too much. Don't trick yourself into that. Like, but I'm perfect just the way I am. Maybe don't let Instagram self help wisdom trick you into thinking there's no more work to be done or that, you know, you can just, like, be obnoxious and like, under the guise of authenticity. Wear sunscreen as long as it isn't chock full of things that cause cancer. Eat things that have ingredients you can pronounce. Good general rule, for God's sake, stock up on rice and pasta. That could last you about a year or so. I just did that. Make a will. Just a little one. Just put it on paper. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Type it up, put the date, sign it. Just so your sister doesn't get your dog. If you, you know, do try to fly into LaGuardia via Air Canada, read a book called the Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Also, this took me. I wish I'd known this sooner. The harder someone advertises something about themselves or their thing, the less they are the thing. We'll know if you're not crazy. Well, everyone will know if you're honest. We'll know if it's real. We'll know. The more someone pushes and tries to convince you that it's an animal sanctuary where we rescue the animals. Why? I assume that before all the signs, why are you reminding me so much if it's just I should see it? This took me so long. Like when people are like, well, I'm not a liar. You're like, oh, thank God, that's me in my 20s. Oh, you're telling the truth. I'm telling the truth. Oh, okay. I was worried there For a second. People who tell the truth don't. Don't say, I'm not a liar. They just say it. People who aren't crazy, don't say, I'm not crazy. Don't listen to what people say. Listen to how they say it. Anyone can say anything. That is so wild to me. That didn't occur to me. I was like, 30. Forgive your parents. Do they deserve it? Of course they don't. We forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, because we deserve peace. Have a printed backup of all of your contacts. I literally have it right here. Passwords, all of it printed. Look into if recycling is a scam before you yell at your house guests about it. Learn how to do stuff. Raise chickens. Have a skill nobody else has. All right. Also, I'm not gonna say question everything I'm saying. Use your head. When you aren't sure if something's true or you're taking all we've got, all these studies and all this information now, does it add up? Does it feel. Re. Engage your gut. Get your gut back. Don't worry about money. Don't worry about job. Get your intuition back. We have been so lobotomized by scrolling that we don't even check in with our gut anymore. We have outsourced our, like, body wisdom to what? The cloud? Peter Thiel. And if what I'm saying sounds wrong, go with that. I mean, you may be being defensive because you're jealous that I'm Nostradamus and I'm correct, but even, like, medical advice, people are like, do you think my doctor prescribed me this and diagnosed me with this? What do you think? I'm like, what do you think? Is it true for you? You weren't in the fake studies. This may not apply to you. The meth heads that were in their migraine study made have had those responses because they were on meth. Maybe it'll help you, but you're not them. I don't know. You have to know. Stop trusting all these people, making all this money off of you. We've been so brainwashed to believe that we're all, like, the same. We're also homogenized. They don't. They don't even do studies on both men and women for, like, pills. You notice men never have pill problems because their dose, they know the dosage. Women's dosage is not. We metabolize them differently, but they don't do studies on us. So, like, ah, they'll cut in half, I guess, and then get on Twitter. I don't know. When someone gives you something, just ask. What do they stand to gain? That's all. No one is being nice. Sorry. Your intuition is the most valuable thing you have. I still am learning this. I'm still learning this. That's our wifi, basically. Like, we have WI fi. That's WI fi, and we cut off our WI fi. I just think words clutter things. When you're in your 20s, it's like, words, words, words. I'm tell everyone how I feel. I'm going to explain myself. And then you realize none of it works. None of it helps. Everyone's made up their mind about you. Everybody's, you know, essentially receiving you, interpreting you, is more of a. It's a confluence of what you're projecting, not even who you are and what they're projecting. You have no control over how somebody perceives you. That's why I'm kind of like, I don't even try anymore. Like, the less you know about me, the more you'll understand me, because I'll stop talking and making you confused about who I am. Every time I talk, people understand me less. You know, orcas gather once a year in Australia. All of them. That's WI fi. They've got WI fi. Sharks never go into each other's territory. It's called site fidelity. They don't cross certain invisible lines. Sharks have better boundaries than human beings, which is actually kind of amazing. The Greenland Shark is 400 years old. Respecting boundaries makes you ageless. Good reminder when your cousin won't stop asking you for money. So all of this is to say is that being right doesn't matter because you're also not. For now, there's a chance you're correct for now. That just makes it more embarrassing later when you're wrong now. So in summation of this episode, I would like to say one of my favorite quotes that I heard recently, which is the difference between intelligence and wisdom. Because, you know, I'm on some post. Intelligence. The more you know, the dumber you are. The person that memorized everything we learned in high school is the dumbest person now. They think Columbus discovered America. They basically memorized everything that Ghislaine Maxwell's dad put into a textbook. So joke's on you. I never learned it. So now I know more than you do, so I don't have to be deprogrammed. So we're so obsessed with knowing things, and now that you see how much of what we learn is nonsense. Memorizing a bunch of nonsense doesn't make you better than me. How dare you? And doesn't make you, quote, smart or intelligent. The difference between intelligence and wisdom is. Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing, not to put it in the fruit salad. So in your 30s, that's when it's about wisdom? No, I could. I could force this, but, like, should I? To someone else? He's not broken. To the person who's right for him, he's not broken. There is a girl out there with a thigh tattoo of Marilyn Monroe and a quote that is mistakenly attributed to Marilyn Monroe, that is that guy's soulmate. Leave him alone. Leave him alone. Be with your thoughts. Break up with your dad. He's just not that into you. And that's a good thing. It's a good thing. If your dad paid you any more attention, it would have been weird. It's all fine. They nailed it. They nailed it. After having a kid, you kind of go, you know someone was there. Oh, and, God don't ride elephants. That's the main thing. In your 30s, definitely not. You should know by now. Love you guys. Ram.