Alix V Alex | Good For You #339

Summary

Good For You with Whitney Cummings – Episode #339: “Alix V Alex” (April 22, 2026)

Episode Overview

In this solo(ish) episode, Whitney dives into the headline-grabbing “fight” between social media heavyweights Alex Cooper (of Call Her Daddy) and Alix Earle, musing on the larger theme of how women’s relationships in business, friendship, and public life are navigated online. Blending razor-sharp cultural analysis with her signature irreverence, Whitney also riffs on girl friendship dynamics, influencer culture, and why female "beef" is monetized and scrutinized so differently than men’s. Pat, her co-host, jumps in throughout for side commentary and wild tangents (including the mystery of missing scientists).

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Alix Earle vs. Alex Cooper “Feud” and Female Boss Dynamics

• Opening riff: Whitney jokes about global threats (war prep in Europe) and how America cares more about a TikTok spat between two influencers: “Sweden ... saying if war comes have a plan. Germany, bunker app... Meanwhile, the fight between Alex Earle and Alex Cooper just happened. Here we are.” (01:32)
• Whitney calls the feud “the new business model,” comparing it to MMA (“Real Housewives is like MMA for women” (12:02)), and joking she could never join the fight club herself because she’s too worried about her dead mom’s guilt trips.
• She digs into how “two self-generating women trying to collaborate” is like “putting two beta fish in the same fishbowl,” referencing her own disastrous childhood pet experiences as a metaphor for in-group female competition. (05:57)

Notable Quote:
“It’s just like that… two self-generating women trying to collaborate. It’s like putting two beta fish in the same bowl. We’ve done this. Everything’s the same. It just looks different.” (05:47 – Whitney)

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2. Why Female “Fighting” is Policed and Monetized Differently

• Whitney contrasts how male and female conflicts are labeled; men “stand up for themselves,” women are “bullies.”
  “When guys fight, it’s standing up for yourself. When girls fight, it’s bullying... If you’re going to get bullied, you might as well make money off it. It’s like MMA for women.” (12:13)
• She observes that social media has turned all friendship into performance for an audience: “Now all friendships are public consumption. There’s always going to be a Beyoncé, and if there’s two, that’s a problem.” (15:46)
• The “war paint” of Gen Z women fighting online: “It’s hilarious…business women with stickers on their faces are like, ‘She tried to take 40% of my deal!’... It's kind of amazing. I can’t think of a harder approach than putting stickers on your face to go into battle.” (13:34)

Memorable Moment:
Whitney’s riff about makeup as war paint and TikTok fights:
“They have stickers, like pink and blue, stars and flowers on their zits … Hardcore business women with stickers on their forehead are like, ‘She tried to take 40% of my deal!’” (13:34)

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3. Changing Nature of Female Friendship: Then vs. Now

• Whitney reminisces on friend drama in her 20s, before apps, rideshares, and Venmo; “You had to make up with your friend or you couldn’t get home.” (17:29)
• Now, social compatibility is about “do you hold the ring light the same way, are we makeup tutorial compatible?” (16:08)
• She notes that women, unlike men, are expected to be “so much more evolved and so much less messy.”

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4. Scarcity Mindset and Women in the Workplace

• Whitney compares the influencer space to a “dog park” (comparing women to dogs, with tongue-in-cheek self-awareness): “You never know what’s going to happen when you throw two women together. You can’t throw every woman on earth a steak and not expect us to throw elbows.” (19:36)
• “Women just started making money. We’re all staring at 12 chicken nuggets that have been thrown to us...It’s just like, ‘why isn’t there more nuggets?’ As soon as women started making money, guys were like, ‘Money’s over, crypto now!’” (20:02)
• Commentary on AI encroaching on influencer jobs: “Women just figured out influencing—now you’re going to use AI to take that job?” (21:49)

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5. Riffs on Gender, Influencer and Makeup Culture

• Whitney teases men who are “ride or die” for their Old Spice: “They’re not afraid of commitment—they will commit to a gel they’ve used for 30 years even if it was recalled.” (24:41)
• Men’s commitment to routines vs. women’s to makeup, surgery, etc; “No amount of working out can make your hands bigger or your voice deeper or your credit better.” (26:37)
• Discussion of the current minor trend of men’s makeup products and how it’s “just for other men.”

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6. Mean Girls, Family, and the Myth of the “Girl’s Girl”

• Whitney confesses affection for “prickly” women: “I tend to love them. A girl who is kind of prickly and mean—I’m like, Mommy. MOMMY.” (35:17)
• Her mother as a model of the classic “girl drama/office drama” archetype:
  “‘Did you see she got tattoo lip liner?’ … No matter how tight you are with someone, you are allowed to gossip behind their back if they got tattoo lip liner… Women just started making money. All we had were divorces and gossip.” (36:21)
• The evolution of airing grievances publicly, from mall run-ins to TikTok: “My mom would push me into a coat rack to avoid Marlene. Now it’s—say it online!” (38:10)

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7. Business and Friendship: It’s Complicated—Especially for Women

• Whitney on why hiring women is complex and emotionally loaded:
  “When I interview a new employee, there’s a montage in my brain of us running through a field, holding hands...I want a friend, I don’t want an employee. It’s embarrassing even having an employee. It’s just you admitting you can’t do a podcast yourself.” (10:01–10:45)
• She admits, “There’s no good way to be a boss. No one likes their boss. Not once.” (39:53)

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8. Sidetrack: Missing Scientists & Conspiracy Tangents

[40:00–57:50]

• Pat brings up “missing scientists,” sparking a classic Whitney tangent about government coverups, aliens, and whether witness protection even makes sense for scientists with dangerous knowledge.
• Whitney: “If you want to know what happened to these scientists—talk to their girlfriends. Scientists can only pick up chicks by bragging about what they’re working on…” (47:07)
• They riff on whether the real “retired government scientists” are out there, or if it’s all a smokescreen.
  “No government scientist is out here telling us how to make an atomic bomb on a podcast.” (56:03 – Pat)
• Funniest moment: Whitney breaks the tension in a checkpoint story by bribing with, “Do you want to see a giraffe?" (53:36)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Whitney on influencer spats:
  “Girls fighting does seem to be a new business model. Unfortunately, I will not be profiting from this because I am still scared to upset my mom and get guilt-tripped. And she’s been dead for three years.” (04:13)

• On public girl drama:
  “It’s like MMA for women… If you’re gonna get bullied, you might as well make money off it.” (12:12)

• On the impossibility of peaceful girlboss partnership:
  “It’s like putting two beta fish in the same fishbowl. … This is like a skeleton with their Away luggage in the museum of ‘women who were in charge.’” (05:46–06:00)

• On superficial friendship compatibility:
  “Are we both right handed so we can do a makeup tutorial next to each other? ... We could concuss each other while trying to get into the algorithm!” (16:08)

• On the “Beyoncé” problem:
  “There’s always going to be a Beyoncé in every group… When there’s two Beyoncés, that just means there’s a ‘Say My Name’ Beyoncé and a ‘Homecoming’ Beyoncé. You can’t have two Beyoncés!” (17:45)

• On gossip and family role models:
  “My mom’s friends would come over and they’d all be gossiping. Then they’d leave and my mom would be like, ‘Why didn’t you get me out of that?’… Like, I had to come jump on a grenade.” (36:54)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:32–06:00: Whitney sets up cultural context, compares influencer beef to war preparedness, and introduces Alex vs. Alex.
• 06:17–10:00: Beta fish metaphor + difficulties of female friendship and work relationships.
• 10:45–13:34: The new “girl boss” era, why hiring and being friends with women is tricky.
• 13:34–17:30: How women “go into battle” online, girl-fights with stickers as war paint, and the Beyoncé/friendship dynamic.
• 17:29–20:02: Evolution from IRL friend drama to social media compatibility and public consumption.
• 20:02–26:30: Women, money, and scarcity—plus, influencer turf wars and the rise of AI.
• 26:30–29:01: Riffing on men’s commitment to grooming, male insecurity, and leg extensions.
• 29:26–32:44: Sleepover memories, Truth or Dare trauma, and how girl-fights were always public.
• 32:45–39:53: Mean girls, family stories, and the myth of the ‘girl's girl.’
• 40:00–57:50: Pat brings up missing scientists—Whitney riffs on government coverups, witness protection, and offers wild analogies.
• 53:36: “Do you want to see a giraffe?” checkpoint story.
• 56:03–59:00: CIA side-hustles, the narcissism of conspiracy, and why real experts don’t podcast.

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Tone & Style

As always, Whitney leads with a comic’s self-deprecation, rapid-fire analogies, and vulnerable confession. She’s petulant, skeptical, and self-aware, dissecting her own flaws, the system’s flaws, and never letting the listener get too comfortable.

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Summary Takeaway

Whitney Cummings uses the viral “Alex vs. Alix” spat as a launching point for a sprawling, hilarious, and incisive meditation on the complications of female business relationships, the performative expectations of modern friendship, and how female aggression is uniquely policed and monetized. As she weaves through her own life stories, family drama, and wild side tangents, Whitney positions the “girlboss” feud as both a novel business model and a centuries-old rerun—reminding us that social media may change the medium, but not the fundamental dynamics.

Transcript

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[Whitney Cummings]

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[Whitney Cummings]

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[Whitney Cummings]

I love you so so so so much.

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[Whitney Cummings]

What kind of spills you put on her?

[Promotional Voice]

You have been warned. Obsession. Rated R under 17. Animated without parent only theaters May 15 with special engagements in Dolby.

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[Pat]

Action Cat.

[Whitney Cummings]

Can you not yell at me when I'm trying to. I'm like in my pre show routine

[Pat]

that felt like a whisper.

[Whitney Cummings]

Also, like, never do what I asked you to do. Ever. What are you nuts?

[Pat]

Who put you up to that?

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, whose idea was that? Let's get serious, guys. This is actually a big month. It's gonna be. It's intense. Look, I. I don't know if you've been reading the news. Capital N, the real N word. These days. You're not allowed to say out loud. I'm like, have you read the news? Big month. All right. Sweden distributed a 32 page pamphlet saying that if war comes, have a plan. They've fully started notifying their citizens. Germany is developing a bunker app updating defense plans to be war ready. Norway issued a booklet advising residents on how to manage 72 hours without water and power. Poland is handing out survival guides to all citizens. The Netherlands conducted a think ahead campaign to educate citizens on how to respond if there was going to be a fight between Alex Earl and Alex Hooper. And it happened. Here we are. Pat, you probably have no idea what I'm even saying, and I love you for that. You shouldn't know a thing about this. This is why we're always going to be tight. You don't know anything about what I just said. Alex Earl and Alex Cooper. Do you know what that even means?

[Pat]

No.

[Whitney Cummings]

Great. You're promoted. Alex Cooper and Alex Earl are fighting on TikTok. Hey, Warren. Iran, take a hike. Grid going down. Sit down. Go down. Straight at four moves. Get a clue. Okay. We don't need gas. We don't need your gas. We won't be leaving our homes. We're refreshing, waiting to see if one of the Alex has responded. I'm rooting for both of them. I'm rooting for both of them. I am. I look at. They're just like, we don't need Andy Cohen to get paid to fight. This is like Ronda Rousey going to Netflix for her fight that's coming up. They're just like, we're doing this on our own. Good for them. Girls fighting does seem to be a new business model. Unfortunately, I will not be profiting from this because I am still scared to upset my mom and get guilt tripped. And she's been dead for three years. I'm still worried my mom's going to be mad at me. So, you know, I did get her earned off Etsy, and it was made by someone who was not trained to make urns. The urn I got was someone's hobby and not their job, so. And I'm in an earthquake zone, so I'm just. I don't want to. I do not. I can't incur the wrath of my mother being mad at me and saying, well, maybe I'll just get hit by a bus. So I'll never fight with a woman in my life because I'm programmed to be terrified of them. But Alex Earle and Alex, they're breaking these cycles, all right? And I'm, by the way, not gonna weigh in on the details. I don't even really know all the details. I'm an adult woman who sometimes has to spray her roots in. I shouldn't know the details of this. I'm not gonna obsess over girls in their 20s drama. That's creepy. All right? Also, I'm too busy with deep dives on Shirley temple. Next up, JonBenet Ramsey. I don't have time to Google Gen Z. I'm too busy Googling famous babies with an undeniable star quality. Alex Cooper. Alex Earl. These girls are smart. I don't know them, right? Really, like, personally or anything, so I have nothing bad to say about them. But I'm fascinated by this. And it's to me like a bigger conversation about how fascinating it is that women are bosses now. Cause it's such a new thing. We gotta just take this all in while we can. One day we will look back the way we look at the dinosaurs thousands of years in the future. People will be like Morgan Friedman. Well, his AI voice will be like, years ago we had female bosses. They only survived about 30 years. They roamed the planet. Then the podcasting boom exploded and they all got dinged by hr. Their own fans got mad at them because they hired other women. And in 2026, being a female boss and working with another woman was the equivalent to a meteor hitting the dinosaurs. And that was that. That's going to be it. In 2040. There will probably be a museum that's just bones of women who are in charge. It's just like that. Like a skeleton with their invention. It's just a skeleton with like away luggage. Two self generating women trying to collaborate. This is like. It's like putting two beta fish in the same fishbowl. We've done this. Everything's the same. It just looks different. That was it. Alex Earl, Alex Cooper. It was two beta fish in the same bowl, that's all. God, the amount of times I think about it a lot. I kept getting more fish to go in. It was like such a metaphor about what was to come in terms of my toxic relationships in my 20s. I was like, oh well, no, just we'll try again.

[Pat]

You were putting them in the same bowl together.

[Whitney Cummings]

Listen, I had absolutely no supervision. When I look back of going like, yeah, I put like four different fish in with a beta fish and every morning I woke up and it was deceased. There's so many things like that where I was like, why was I running point on my own fishbowl? Like, no one. How do I even get that up and running? My like, I just went to the pet store alone and I like I did, I would walk to this pet store. I remember the pet shop guy and because he kept giving me fish full. He didn't tell me either. It's like I just come back.

[Pat]

Like I thought it was cool. You were killing fish.

[Whitney Cummings]

Every time I came back, a goldfish was like 20 bucks. Then it was like 40 bucks. It was just like, he was like, she is a gold mine. There's like homicidal. I don't know if he thought I was doing it on purpose. I true. I was like, I don't know what happened. I must not give it enough drops. He's like more Drops like he was just. Don't you get into being a pet store person because you love pets? Shouldn't you have called an authority the third time I came in for a new fish? I don't know. The point is women being in charge. Alex Earl. Alex Cooper. This is. It's going to take a second. Maybe what they're doing is genius. I don't know the details, but it's going to take a second for women in business to figure out how to do business and be friends or not be friends. And look, I'm not a big call out person. If you're gonna publicly post our text messages, like, okay, just don't forget I'm a double Virgo with ocd. I have goldfish brain, and I back up my cloud every 10 minutes. I'll put it in highlights. I'll. I'll put the text in highlights like I did the giraffe. I can't explain that to you right now. You know it or you don't. It's hard to work with other women, right? Because not. Cause we're mean. I think sometimes we catch feelings. It's really that when I interview a new employee, I'm like, I'm gonna hire her. In my mind, there is a montage in my brain of me and my new employee, like, running through a field together, like, tackling each other, doing a 5k, like, holding hands, laughing out loud, like, while painting, like. Like, boop on the nose. It's truly the John Wick flashback of him and his wife. I just, like, see her. I'm, like, holding hands with her, and I just see her in a field. We're braiding each other's hair. We're at Coachella. She's on my shoulders at Coachella. Like, that's my idea of hiring somebody, right? We're doing, like a. Like a photo shoot, like, spoofing the Janet Jackson cover where she's not wearing a top. And then my employee's hands are, like, on my boobs. Like, this is so funny. Like, I. In my head, it's just a blast. I don't know the difference. Okay. I don't want employees. I don't. Here's the. I want a friend. I don't want an employee. It's embarrassing. Admit having an employee. That's just you admitting you. I'm truly admitting I can't do a podcast myself. You know, Humiliating, that is. Aside from Alex Earl and Alex Kuber, girl friendships did get so weird recently. You know, I know we're talking about, like, AI and that there's so many things that are changing, but, like girlfriend friendships in general, even if you don't work together. It used to be like we're friends based on what? We go to the same school, right? We like the same music, we play the same sport. We were the same size tube top, whatever it is. Like, now it's like, do you hold the ring light? Do we have the same angle? Do we. Does the. Does the ring light? Like, get rid of the double chin? Do we have the same side? Do we have complementary sides? I remember she was kind of joking, but also not. I was at some, like, the fancy event and there was like an actress there and she's like, what's. What's your side? And I was like, oh, I don't have. They're both bad. They're both. And she's like, okay, mine's the left. She was. And she did. She was like, we can never be friends. And I was just like, you're not kidding. You know, it's now sort of like, are we both right handed so that we can do a makeup tutorial next to each other? Because if you're left handed and I'm right handed, we're not makeup tutorial compatible. All right? We can't be next to each other. We could concuss each other while trying to get into the algorithm. Like, I see these groups of girlfriends on TikTok and I'm like, they're compatible for production, for public consumption. The problem now that all friendships are public consumption. This is the worst thing I'll ever say on this podcast. There's always gonna be a Beyonce in every. There's no shame in the Destiny's Child girls. I identify as one of them, right? There's always going to be a Beyonce. Only one. One in each group, one in each room, one in each school. That's just the deal. When there's two Beyonce's, that just means that there's a say my name Beyonce and a homecoming Beyonce. Are you the homecoming Beyonce? I fear I am not. I am not. But Alex and Alex, they might be two Beyonce's. That's what I always say. I go, two Beyonce. Can't have two Beyonce's. That's it. That's all. One of you has to go to Instagram, one of you takes TikTok and one of you takes Instagram. I don't know what to tell you, all right? And look, girls are always. It's like when guys fight, it's just called standing up for yourself. When girls fight it's like, called bullying. You know, it's. I don't know if you're going to be. You're going to get bullied. You might as well just make money off of it. All right? It's like MMA for women. Why can't we have an mma? I. I always say Real Housewives is like MMA for women. If you're going to get bullied, you might as well make it a business. I got bullied. I made no money when women were mean to me. I made no money when I was bullied by women, AKA TV critics. They made some money off it, but not. Honestly, not enough for them to not actually just be doing it for the love of the game. I feel like there's this crazy pressure for women to be so much more evolved than men and so much less messy. Men, when men fight, they just start wars and close the streets of hermuzes. And everyone's like, women are bullies. I'm like, I can't wait. I don't know. I don't recall bombing a school in a cat fight. I feel like people online on TikTok now and my algorithm at least are like, girls are. This girl fighting has to stop. This girl on girl crime. Like, does it have to stop? Do. No one says bar fights have to stop. No one's like, guys, these bar fights are getting out of hand. Everyone's like, sick tell. Let's put it online. I guess we say street violence has to stop, but we just mean stop it. Unless it's in a cage in Vegas. Make sure the guys are hot and there's Saudi money behind it. Slap fight is a show. You guys turn fighting into, like, a business. Why can't women monetize their fights? It's hilarious. It's actually so funny when women argue now because they. They have stickers on their faces. They have stickers like pink and blue, stars and flowers on their zits. Hardcore business women with stickers on their forehead are like, she tried to take 40% of my deal. I'm like, hey, sticker head. I mean, it's kind of amazing. I can't think of a harder approach than putting stickers on your face to go into battle. It's like the American woman haka dance. Staring your enemy down and just being like, oh, really? You don't think I'll release the. Just putting stickers all over your face now. What? It is terrifying. It is like the girl in their 20s equivalent of an old guy with just a piece of toilet paper on their face where they Cut themselves shaving. And just being like, I wouldn't mess with that guy. He's got a piece of toilet paper he grabbed from the bottom of his shoe because his face started bleeding. It. Was it a stigmata? Unclear. He was shaving. He's 65, and he still doesn't know his angles. He's still cutting himself shaving like that. Is that. Is that was on purpose. Just a g piece of toilet paper. Like, yes, sir, you can have a refund without a receipt. Absolutely. These girls are in their bathroom arguing with towels on their heads, like, putting on pink and blue stars on their faces. It's kind of. It really is a game of chicken of, like, who is crazier at this point there. They look like they're going into battle. It's kind of. I. I can't tell if it's intentional or not. I don't know if they're, like, missing the metaphor. They're contouring. They're. They're putting makeup on their face. It looks like war paint. They're just like. And then I'm gonna post a video. And they've got red and blue stripes all over their face, on their cheeks. What is the difference? They're like, okay, let me tell you what happened with Kaylee. What's up with the passive aggressive emojis? Like, we're dissecting emojis. It's. I'm. I'm all in. It's seems like it's a better way to fight with your girlfriends than the way I fought with my girlfriends in my 20s. When fighting with girlfriends in my 20s. First you had to find them at the Funk. You had to find them, all right? You had to find them at the thing. You had to find them in the bathroom. And you're just like, jenny, are you. Are you in here? You had to figure out what bathroom they were in. Are you mad at me? You're just yelling. It was always public. You're yelling over the stall in a public bathroom. You're, like, looking for her shoes under the stall. You're like, I'm sorry I left you on the dance floor. When Dancing with My Own came on. I just really. That's a date song I dance alone to. It's not a joke song to me. It's a real song. It's not funny. I needed. I'm so. I didn't mean to leave you with Ashley with an E I G H. I know you can't stand her. I just, like, I had some healing to do in the corner of Club Wet. I'm sorry. Don't be mad at me. I need a ride home. You used to have to make up with your girlfriend or you couldn't get home. All right, so let's dig into me being a fashion icon. Revolve Clothing has changed my life because Revolve has every genre of clothing you could ever need. I love that it's all in one place. Revolve shows you similar options and all like looks that fit the same vibe. Revolve's festival shop is open right now. It is perfect if you want standout looks, matching sets, textures and pieces that feel styled for festival season. Not problematic ones. Tube tops that are unproblematic. 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There was no other way to get home. If you didn't make up with your friend by the time you. The. You. You. You got left. You got left at Club Deep. You. We had to figure it out fast. Now it's like, I'll get away mo. I'll have a robot take me. Like, you can just leave whenever you want. You could. There was no storming out of a girl fight in my 20s. You had to figure it out or find. Get a new friend. You'd have to get a new best friend in like 20 minutes. I'm just trying to help people understand. Like, it's taken me a long time to accept this. I don't like it, but sometimes you even. Girls. Girls don't get along. We're not all. To imply, like, they're all exactly the same is so weird. It's like, you know when you go to a dog park, I just wrote the headline for this podcast episode. Whitney compares women to dogs. Yes, I did. I did fine. You know the dog park, when two dogs just get along, you never thought. You're like, all right, like the basset hound and the Dutch hound. You're like, okay, like a guess, I guess basset hound. It's like the Dutch hounds, like those epic bass and hound. You're like, tracks. Like, you decide why they get along. But then two Jack Russells are like, fighting, and you're like, huh? Why are you guys fighting?

[Pat]

Little beta fish.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, there's some ancestral beef, some inbred like, like, you're the six fingered man. You killed my father. Who know. Well, you know when you see two dogs randomly just fight or they've never fought before, and then they fight and you're like, I don't know what this is about. Like, that's like putting girls together in a room. You never know what's going to happen. You can't throw every woman on earth a steak that's like nine feet wide and not expect us to throw elbows sprinting towards it like the bouquet at a wedding. Women just started making money. All right, we're all. We're all staring at 12 chicken nuggets that have been thrown to us like, I'm a founder. That's my nugget. Like, that's. We're all competing for Silicon Valley money. I don't even know at this point. Attention, eyeballs. And we're all competing for this. And then it's like, oh, well, now I have all this stuff. Now I need to hire other women. And they're like, but that nugget you have chewed. Can I scoop it out of your mouth and. And swallow that? And you're like, why isn't there just more nuggets? This is. As soon as women started making money, guys were like, money's over crypto. It's invisible. It's invisible money. It's a code in the sky. Look, find it. Find it, cutie pie. And then it's like, okay, we have influencing. This is gonna be our thing. This is talking, suggesting, gossiping. And they're like, nah. AI influencing. Sorry. It's like, guys, women belong in the kitchen. Then why do only male chefs get famous? Like, how? Like, what do we do? What can we do to what can we have fighting with other women? Fine. Over the scraps you're throwing us. This. Men. This happens with men, too. I don't mean to make it so gender, but, like, men just handle things differently. When a scientist is like, I saw aliens. Men are just like, make it look like a suicide. You guys handle it quick. Make sure he has a history of hiking. That's it. We do it publicly, so at least it's fun for everyone, you know? You guys just make it so no one can hike anymore. Or look into gravity. What is it, 10 scientists?

[Pat]

Yeah, the missing ones.

[Whitney Cummings]

Look, I feel like women are fighting for such limited resources, especially influencers. Well, as soon as I happened, the first AI thing to happen had to be a female influencer. The Coachella influencer. AI lady. It was like, we just got a thing. Women just did a thing. We just figured out influencing. And now you're going to use AI to take that job. It's just. Can you let women influence? It's a. Women just figured out a lucrative marketing thing for them to do, which is, by the way, it's a female thing. You don't. Don't come for influencing, all right? This is something only women can do. It's gossip. We're just gossiping about production. Like TikTok. Influencing is only fans for women. It's. It's what we want to see. It's not for you, all right? It's not feet pics. That's what you guys. It's Korean skincare booties. You leave your feet in for two days to make your feet feel soft so you have a shot at selling your feet. Pics, because that's really all that's left. It's the opposite of OnlyFans. It's like, it's not naked girls looking perfect. It's girls in sweatshirts, in bed with face masks being like, did you know dolphins evolved from deer? No. I did it and now I do, and I need to leave the earth. Influencing is for girls, it's not for men. You guys, it's. It's so funny that you will not allow yourselves to be influenced. I have bought my partner the number of products I buy him that are just truly effective. How about this? Just effective. And then I go in there yesterday, and it's one's this Italian pomade, this salt water spray. I go in there today, just Old Spice. I'm like, you can't. They do not say men are afraid of commitment. They will commit to a gel that they've been using for 30 years and they will not deviate. They are not afraid of commitment. They will commit to something that has been recalled. There's been a class action lawsuit, nothing. There's no way there's a new one that's better. There's just no way. I got this at Wawa when I was 12. If you clown influencers, you're such a boomer. We. It's just. It's. We need to gossip about blow dryers. Fine. Guys should start their own influencing thing. You guys need an app called, like, Locker Room where you talk about how, like, this is how to get a girl to go swimming so you can see her without makeup. That's. I don't know why that's on my TikTok right now. I keep seeing guys saying that, like, make sure, like, you take a girl swimming so you can see her without makeup. Do you really not know what she looked like under there? If you're that easily tricked by makeup, my guy, I'm very worried about you and artificial intelligence. You need a girl to go swimming to figure out what she looks like under that makeup. When you see a mural painted on a building in a city, are you like, whoa, the oceans downtown now, Are you, like, thrown? You're like, oh, Kobe's alive and huge. Are you, like, confused for it? No, that's a mural painted by someone. Like, that's not that there's a building under there. When you go to museums, you're just like, whoa, look at all these windows that open. The 1600s. Guys act like when we put makeup on, we have a different head entirely. Like, I don't look that different without makeup on. Do I right? Am I crazy? You don't. Even if we line outside our lips, you see that I've lined outside you. I don't think I'm like, getting away with it. You want this. You're. You're. Who wants this? I don't know what to tell you. You guys are into, you know, attracted to marzipan. Like, you need every woman to look like a cake. I don't know what to tell you, but, like, guys think it's such a flexible seer without makeup on. Like, I don't. I love when someone is. Thinks they're clever and they just reveal how dumb they are. It's funny because guys think that makeup completely disguises a person. But there is like a little bit of a trend of men wearing makeup. Guys will wear makeup. I will see a brand, like a guy just with like concealer on. And it's just like a.it's like a bendy.it's just a highlighter, like circle. And I'm like, like, what guy makeup was like a thing? For a second there was a brand. I feel like we talked about this. Didn't catch on or did it?

[Pat]

I mean, I think it's probably a pretty big industry now, really.

[Whitney Cummings]

The whole.

[Pat]

Everybody's meeting in the middle.

[Whitney Cummings]

Men are insecure now. That's kind of funny. It all started with calf implants, but no woman was ever like his calves. It was just for other men. No amount of working out can make your hands bigger or your voice deeper or your credit better. I don't think, like, what do you guys think we want? I'm so confused.

[Pat]

I just ordered a new face hammer, so we're going to see how that goes. I've heard great things.

[Whitney Cummings]

So I. I don't know if it's like, weird for me to laugh about this because didn't he just. Oh, he just overdosed or something?

[Pat]

He does maxed.

[Whitney Cummings]

Stop because. Because name. That's not his screen name. Okay. So he hammers his face to try. Does it work? Asking for a friend. We'll find out to what to make his bone bigger.

[Pat]

Long story. Stupid kung fu masters will break the bones in their hands so that their hands become like rocks. Because every time you break a bone, when it heals, it has an additional layer of calcium on the bone. It's super bones. People are smashing up their face so they. They can start to. Instead of getting cheek implants, they're just, you know, getting the discount that's fully gone.

[Whitney Cummings]

Girl remember when she was just like, is this Any less weird than the fact that I wear someone else's hair on my head sometimes? Like, Genghis Khan whole, like, taking someone else's scalp and just clipping it into my head. Is it any weirder than anything else? Women, we just, like, cut in and, like, put a bowling ball, like, put a pool float into our bodies for 10 years straight? I don't know. I mean, have you seen these men? I'm so sorry. This is probably going to come off like, it, like, is this the equivalent of a man making fun of a woman getting, like, a facelift or something? If I make fun of guys that get leg extensions, I guess to me so sorry. It's just that. It's just that these. These, like. I'm sorry. It's just these dudes on stilts are like, check out my. I went to Hungary, and now I'm like, look better than ever. I'm like, dude, Woody from Toy Story. This homie is about to. He's just Bambi on ice. Like, on Venice beach being like, look how tall I am. I'm like, dude, like, I don't know what. How you think your life is going to change after this, but I guess height is the real thing that guys need.

[Pat]

Unfortunately, it comes with long shins, part of the look.

[Whitney Cummings]

Can you get calf implants to your new extended legs? I have this. I have. As I twitch out of the side of my mouth, Instant karma. My face starts twitching just instant. I'm making fun of someone about something they can't control. I do have a twitch, and I. My guy says it's potassium.

[Pat]

Did somebody stuff a voodoo doll with your hair?

[Whitney Cummings]

I had a voodoo doll. I'm having so many weird flashbacks writing about this, like, girl, girl episode because I was thinking about, like, sleepovers and girlfriends and all the weird stuff that goes on. Because it used to be, like, I don't know what sleepovers were like for guys. I don't think I want to know. That was just, like, parents who were like, I can't handle this today. Like, I just. I need to find a new stepdad for my kid. Like, you have to go to a sleepover. Like, I can't have you in the house as I try to procure a new stepdad. But girl sleepovers were brutal. DraftKings Casino is changing the game with flex spins. This is such a fun setup because it gives you way more choice in how you play new players. Play $5, and they get 1500 Flex spins 50 a day for 30 days. Then you get to decide how to use them across select games like Huffing, more Puff, Cash Eruption and more. So fun yet so hard to say. It is a much more flexible way to play and I like anything that gives people more options instead of locking them into just one thing. If you are the kind of person who likes trying different slot games or just want more control over how to use a promo, this is an awesome offer. You are not stuck with one game. You can spread your spins around getting 50 spins a day for 30 days. It makes you feel like something you can actually enjoy over time instead of blowing through everything immediately. Download the app now and sign up with code good for you to claim 1500 Flex spins on your choice of slots. The crown is yours in partnership with DraftKings Casino Gambling Problem call 1-800-GAMBLER in Connecticut. Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly. 21/physically present in Connecticut, Michigan, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, West Virginia only Boyd in Ontario eligibility restrictions apply. Non withdrawable spins issued as 50 spins per day for 10 days. Valid for select games only after 24 hours. See [e-mail] Do y' all if you've ever felt stuck trying to lose weight, you are definitely not alone. There's so much advice out there. There's so many plans, so many scams, so many things that you are supposedly doing wrong and it gets overwhelming. That is why weight loss by hers is such a game changer. Hers now offers access to an affordable range of FDA approved GLP1 medications including the Wegovy Pill and the Wegovy Pen, designed to support you in reaching your goals. With WeGovy that hers, you can lose up to 20% or more of your body weight and then combined with the diet and exercise, it's going to help you regulate your appetite, eat less and keep weight off. And one of the big things here is convenience. Everything is 100% online. Through hers, you connect with a licensed provider to determine if treatment is right for you and if prescribed, your medication is delivered right to your door. No insurance necessary. Plus, weight loss by hers goes beyond medication with 247 messaging with your care team and an in app lifestyle and nutrition support like recipes, meal plans, fitness videos, sleep content and more. It's designed to fit your life and your budget. If you're eligible, visit forhers.com Whitney to get personalized, affordable care that gets you that's four f o r h e r s.com Whitney for hers.com Whitneyweightlossbyhers is not available in 50 states. Wegovy is the registered trademark of Novo Nordisk. As to get started and learn more, including important safety information. WeGovy clinical study information. For restrictions, visit for hers.com. like, they. It would be like, suddenly we're doing Truth or Dare. Suddenly it's like, how many boys have you kissed? Suddenly you're just like, lying at 3:00am like, yeah, I've kissed a lot of boys. Yeah, I kissed this guy who's like 40. It's our gym coach. Help. Can you help me? Does anyone want. And they're like, oh, you're a slot. And you're like, ah, I need help.

[Pat]

You tricked me.

[Whitney Cummings]

He's picking me up from your house tomorrow. Yeah, just women on women fighting. We've always done this. This is just like, you know, gladiator shows, town squares, duels. Duels used to be public. It was like, I'm gonna challenge you to a public duel. Like, Aaron Burr was like, me, cash me outside. How about that? It always was in public before this whole thing. That's like, we're going to fight through like an HR person and sort of have someone media just, whatever, dude. I don't know if this is girl on girl bullying. I just feel like this is how business is now. The business model now is I'm going to tell everybody all of my business all the time. So when there's beef, why would it be surprising to just do it all publicly? This feels very Howard Stern coded, but also Trump. Like, Trump's impact on etiquette in the Zeitgeist. Like, he would do things where, like, you're allowed to even do that, like, publicly just being like, do you want to go outside? And everyone's like, like, he's like, I'll lob astray at a former co worker in a state of the union address. He'll. He'll just, like, casually dunk on Omarosa from the war room. He's like, he holds a grudge. You're just like, wait, you're not allowed to do. Are you allowed to just do that? He'll throw a grenade about Rosie o'. Donnell. He'll make a fat joke about Rosie o' Donnell in a speech about Iran. He's like, I need a closer. Yeah. And you're like, it's so. Some people think it's a stunt, by the way, for anyone that's thinking that, I don't know the world's wwe. Now I see why everything could feel staged. But if it is, Godspeed. Sell your skincare. How else is a 24 year old gonna sell skin care? Her skin's already perfect. I'll buy skincare from a woman who's 60 who looks 24. There's no proof that your skincare works. You're already stunning. The odds of girls conspiring to lie to you is higher than the odds of girls not getting along at all. I can't tell what sexist or a compliment anymore. It's a real humdinger. People see two women fighting and they're like, well, it must be fake. It's like, oh, so you think that we're all liars who get along so well that we can pretend not to? You know how much time and effort it would take to collude to pretend to not get along? I don't know.

[Pat]

Maybe that's a. I, I don't know what even happened.

[Whitney Cummings]

It feels like thematically we're at a reckoning over the concept of a mean girl. And I talk about this, my new special. I'm talking about this a lot. Like, I'm just obsessed with this at the moment. There, there's, there's girls that just don't play well with others. And the problem with them is that, well, first and foremost, I love them. I tend to love them. A girl who is kind of prickly and mean. I'm like, mommy, Mommy. I had a mom who hated her own friends. I. I had this epiphany recently because when people like, she's not a girl's girl, I'm like, I'm like, I can fix her. I'm not like that with men. I don't try to fix men. I'm like, I can break him. Like, he's too fixed. I got this. But like, women, I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no. They just haven't had me as their chosen sister. How quickly chosen sister starts being texted is wild with me. I had a mom who hated her own friends. I didn't even know that was weird. My mom's friends would come over and they'd all be like, hanging out and drinking and gossiping. And they'd be like, diane's husband has to sleep in separate bedrooms. I would listen. They'd be like, did you see she got tattoo lip liner? That was a thing back then. We commit to lip liner the way you guys commit to deodorant in middle school. No matter how tight you are with someone, you are allowed to gossip behind their back. If they got tattoo lip liner, that is fair. But then she moved with all her friends. Her friends would leave, and then I'd get in trouble. She'd be like, how come you didn't get me out of that? So I was like, where were you? Like, what do you. What do you mean? She's like, I'm drowning out there. It's like I. Like, I had to come jump on a grenade. I'm like, mom, you were planning a trip to Rehoboth beach with your girlfriends. I. I. Nothing about this is probably why I was diagnosed with autism. I couldn't. I could. Nothing about what you did made me think that wasn't going well. All right? Mean girls often seem like they're getting along the best. It's so weird. How would I know? Mom? I'm. First of all, I'm 13. She'd be like, well, her husband is gonna file before she is. Like, okay. She's gonna get. She's. He's gonna get custody because she's a pill head. She would call all her friends pill heads, which is so funny. My mom did have some bangers. Like, she would always say, like, everyone who drinks thinks everyone else is drunk. 2. And every pill head thinks everyone else is a pill head. It's. It's. It's a gift. The apple didn't fall far from the tree. The point is, in my mom's defense, before TikTok, there was nothing else to talk about besides your friends, because we didn't know anything. We were just like, columbus discovered America. Tyrannosaurus Rex. That meteor got him good. Every five years, we had, like, a O.J. we got to watch, like. Like, NASCAR with one car with a white Bronco for a year. I feel like we watched a white. I have a white Bronco now. I just realized that. Ah, good product placement, guys.

[Pat]

It only took 30 years, but you got her.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, every five years, we'd have, like, a O.J. simpson, a Desert Storm, a 9 11. But between horrors, all we had were Deborah's divorce proceedings. This is hardwired into us. There's always. There was always drama at my mom's work. Like, we're just seeing drama at work on TikTok. It wasn't posted online back then, but it still felt public again. Everything's always happened. It just looked different. I remember my mom and I would be at the mall. She worked at a department store in a mall, and we'd be walking around the mall. I remember we would just be casually walking out of nowhere. She would arm bar me. I'm eight. Grab me, pull me into the coats. And be like, she. Like, that's Marlene. She can't see me here. She just tried to get me fired. Like, what? Yeah. I looked hotter than her at the Christmas party. I'm like, I don't think that doesn't. Okay. Like, we would hide from people in public. We did that. Do you remember your mom, like, pushing you into a coat rack to avoid someone? That's how our mom solved problems. Now it's just like, hey, say it. Say it. I don't. I mean, I'm just. I'm not on either side. I'm defending them as a unit for solving it this way. There's no better way to solve. Doesn't have to. You're not a mean girl. You're not a girl who knows there's no good way to be a boss. No one likes their boss. No. And it's never happened. Not once. I will tell the story as many times as I need to. The time I thought I was friends with someone that worked with me, and I was going through one of those breakups that when you look back, you truly don't remember the person's name. But at the time, it felt like you were devastated because you were really just dating your dad. Just me. Because it just recreated all the childhood circumstances. So it was, like, about getting this person's approval that I could never get. But it was just, like, a familiar adrenaline response. Who cares? Read my book. I talk all about it. And I was just crying in a way that was, like, releasing old. Like it was coming out of my fascia. I can't explain it. It was just, like, so, like, I'm, like, shaking, sobbing. And this girl I worked at the time, she was. What. What did I call? I didn't call her an assistant. I don't call people assistants. I don't like that word. Because I. I might. The whole thing was like, you're not assisting me in doing something I can do.

[Pat]

You would say chief of Chief of

[Whitney Cummings]

Staff is what we would say. But then she was the first one I made. Like, we can't really say chief because chief. Not all native tribes have chiefs. And I'm like, that. I didn't even go there.

[Pat]

Her first job should have been to do a land acknowledgment.

[Whitney Cummings]

Right after I bought a house, I had, like, a screening for this girlfriend of mine's movie, Zoe Lister Jones. And I had, like, just bought the house. I was so proud of it. And we had these, like, witches come to do, like, a ceremonial thing. It was, like, a fun thing. We did during the pandemic, and the first thing they did was, like, first, we would like to acknowledge that this is on stolen land. And I was like, the amount of money I just paid, we haven't even

[Pat]

really looked into it to find out who. We just know for sure it was a deal.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. I mean, honestly, the coyotes got it fair and square. I still think that they might get it. I still. I still think that we're battling it out on a daily basis. They really do just show up now. They are looking at Henry like, gotta

[Pat]

get one of those not today coyote vests.

[Whitney Cummings]

I need to get him a spiky vest.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

What would ward off coyotes? Should he dress like a wolf? Should I just get him a wolf costume?

[Pat]

New York City Street Punk, 1976.

[Whitney Cummings]

I feel like Chris can just look in his glove compartment and find me a spiky, studded vest. So I'm just saying let's. Let's just. I'm. We can root for both of them. Can we root for both of them, or can we just solve this like adults and do, like, a jello fight? That would be sick. So those are my kind of thoughts this week. People probably want me to pick a side, but you know me, I won't. I won't. Never, never. Let's even see if I'm still an Eagles fan this year. Never. Not loyal to the person I was 20 minutes ago. Will always change my mind with new information. What? Pat, is there anything that's, like, important we should be thinking about this week? Just curious.

[Pat]

Yeah. The guy who purchased the lease to the Trade Center.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, my God, you in this Trade Center?

[Pat]

He now owns the tallest building downtown in la, the US Bank. And I know there's another building that says it's taller, but they broke the record with the needle. And I don't count the needle.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's just a needle downtown. Is that just because. Emblematic of.

[Pat]

There's. There's a lot of reasons not to count that needle, just.

[Whitney Cummings]

Twin tower update.

[Pat]

Yeah. 10 missing scientists.

[Whitney Cummings]

How about that?

[Pat]

There's 10 missing scientists.

[Whitney Cummings]

What do you think of that? Like.

[Pat]

Well, I did look into it, and it's not like last week. 10.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Pat]

The 10 most prominent scientists.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Vanished.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Over time. Over, like, 35 years.

[Whitney Cummings]

Because I'm the first to say, let's do a checklist of all the things that could be. Oh, you're a scientist. Were you exposed to something carcinogenic, which would mean you would be sick, or that you would, you know, or if you're a Scientist, you're obviously smart. If something like aliens is on the horizon and you don't want to, like, you can fake your own or just bounce, you know, I mean, like, one guy left with a gun, I think, and he was like, peace. Here's the other thing. Most people are going crazy as well. What are the odds if you're a scientist? I mean, I. I know next to nothing, and I'm ready to get a gun and just walk into the woods slowly.

[Pat]

Scientists decide to leave. Scientists.

[Whitney Cummings]

Scientists might also know what's coming. Yeah, they might be like, oh, I know what this means. I'm gonna go to my bunker in the woods and let everybody think that I was offed. Do you think maybe the government, like, even helps them do that? Like, part of it is like, look, there's a point where we're gonna need to pretend to kill you, but we still need to know what you know.

[Pat]

Well, the. The number is 10, but it goes back to 1993. Like, that's a long time for 10 people overall to have gone missing in

[Whitney Cummings]

a category of the way they've gone missing is a little odd. No one died in a hospital. Doesn't seem like.

[Pat]

Well, they're missing. They don't know what happened.

[Whitney Cummings]

All of them.

[Pat]

It looks like 10 people have not been accounted for in the last year.

[Whitney Cummings]

If you're going to murder someone, aren't you going to do it, like, and make it look like they had a heart attack and have them go in the hospital and then make sure they, like, it feels like it's. And this is pro. The hiding in plain sight. The fact that it is too on the nose is why I'm like, they wouldn't ever get away with this. So they would make it look like a real death. Heart attack, a stroke, something like that? No. Car accident.

[Pat]

They're like nuclear scientists.

[Whitney Cummings]

The guy, the Virginia Guthrie guy they could bring in from Australia, do a hit and run. It feels like the fact that they're all the same. Like, they're like, on an email chain going, should we all just bounce at once and freak everybody out? I'm just. It feels a little.

[Pat]

Perhaps a sleeper cell that was really just here to get nuclear technology and then bounce. Or somebody who was forced into sharing.

[Whitney Cummings]

Because why would you want to get rid of a scientist that knew a lot that you might need to know?

[Pat]

Maybe they didn't belong to us. Maybe they belong to somebody else.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, Pat.

[Pat]

Maybe they had it. Maybe they wanted to get on a sailing boat.

[Whitney Cummings]

What if they were just raw dogging what if they're raw dogging? Yeah, everyone just saying raw dogging all the time about sitting on a flight without a computer. I'm like, can we call this something else? Can we call this like phone free time? It's just, everyone's like, I'm raw dog in a flight. It's like, dude, like, gross.

[Pat]

I'm board maxing.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, totally. Okay, well, there's nothing we can really do about these scientists. I would like to think in the movie version of this, the scientists are ahead of it in some way or the scientists are all colluding to go, like, set the aliens free.

[Pat]

I would like to think that they had access to extremely valuable information. It's an all very interesting story, but maybe they went for a hunt.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, I don't know. I just feel like they. What? It's a little insulting to scientists to think the government could just get them like this.

[Pat]

Well, I don't even know if they're saying who got him.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, sorry.

[Pat]

It's. The whole thing's a big. Who done it?

[Whitney Cummings]

I need to. I mean, I've been texting with Kurt Metzger today, so. Sorry, I have a. I have.

[Pat]

You have access to the answers.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, totally. But yeah, in my version of this, I would like to think that they, you know, I don't know, we're ahead of it and are letting everybody think that this is what happened. Yeah, they backed it up. I mean, you can't just get rid of a scientist, get rid of the whole situate, like as it's all written in a journal or something. Don't you think? Don't you think scientists are smart enough to have a backup plan in case someone wants to get got them maybe? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Do you think scientists like, ho hum, I'm hanging out with aliens, like this won't ever backfire, like I got all this secret information, like, but we're friends, me and that. Like, they're men. They don't. They know they're not friends with their co workers. They know that they're enemies with anyone that pays them. They have a plan. No.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Well, here's the thing. If you want to know what happened to these scientists, talk to their girlfriends. Talk to their side chicks. Scientists can only pick up chicks by bragging about all the things they're working on. So I'm concerned about their side chick safety. I'm concerned about the hinge girl who got a photo of the alien. A selfie with the alien, like the wife. I mean, they talked to one wife. And she was like, yeah, he made himself disappear or wanted to make sure he wasn't found. It's also like, babe, he's ghosting you.

[Pat]

Well, that's what he told you.

[Whitney Cummings]

What if they're all just wanting to leave their wives and they're like, the aliens are here, babe, I gotta go. They're gonna get me if I don't leave and completely change my identity. I love you so much though. I wish I could stay here being me, but I have to move to Brazil and date a teenager so that they would to throw him off the case.

[Pat]

This is the best version of it for you, by the way.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't know why I'm like, hopeful that I just. It's hard for me to believe that they would hire scientists that are this intelligent that couldn't outsmart the government or whoever it is that owned them. It's like when elephants kill their trainers.

[Pat]

I'm like, if you were a scientist and you were a disgruntled scientist, perhaps, and you realize that you now know from scratch how to go from zero to nuclear power plant. Okay, you could name your price anywhere in the world to a country that needs nuclear technology.

[Whitney Cummings]

Ah.

[Pat]

And say, set me up in your country, make me a wealthy person and I will teach you how to do this.

[Whitney Cummings]

But the point is, you can't just steal my hard drive and get rid of me. You need my brain.

[Pat]

Well, and then you're also not leaving a trace of how you. I mean, I'm just, yeah, a little creative.

[Whitney Cummings]

Why wouldn't the American government just be like, we're gonna gave you everything?

[Pat]

Yeah, well, it's. I mean, the technology is known.

[Whitney Cummings]

I need to see this contract marriage one also. But it's just like, it is weird because like, you see this, there was a photo of one of the guys that got. Is no longer with us. And you see his house and you're like, they just let this guy who knows about aliens just live in the middle of Arizona. Like, aren't there just people outside his house at all times just making sure that he doesn't have an alien come through, like, or have one, I don't know, or whatever. The thing is, I just feel like if you are a scientist working for the government or you or whoever, you pretty quickly need a plan A, B, C, D. And it's this weird mutual assured destruction thing of like, I'm not going to tell you everything I know because if I tell you everything I know, then I'm in a hot jam.

[Pat]

Well, and what do you do with a retired scientist. If you have a scientist that knows all sorts of government secrets, and they're like, I'm done working. Yeah, I'm 68. Or I'm whatever. I don't want to work anymore.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Pat]

They have to put you in the witness protection program so you can retire.

[Whitney Cummings]

But who runs the witness protection program? I mean, the same funds.

[Pat]

The same people that need to keep an eye on them anyway while they're working.

[Whitney Cummings]

But how do I know that the witness protection guy is not my problem?

[Pat]

Because if you read an article 15 years ago and you're like, oh, that nuclear scientist Doug Jones is my neighbor. Let's go talk to him about nuclear physics and how to build a whatever, that you can't have that convenience as a citizen. So the government perhaps would say, hey, Doug, when you want to retire, we're calling you something else.

[Whitney Cummings]

There's never been a scientist named Doug. They can't. You can't go further. Your name is Doug.

[Pat]

Rusty.

[Whitney Cummings]

Hi.

[Pat]

We're gonna be straight with you.

[Whitney Cummings]

There's something so funny about, like, hey, I'm Doug. So I figured out nuclear fit. They're like, okay, Doug. The whole office, like, all right, Doug.

[Pat]

Oh, Doug's got an idea

[Whitney Cummings]

dog. All right.

[Pat]

We're gonna call you Doug. You're moving to Baltimore.

[Whitney Cummings]

So dumb. I'm. I don't. I'm.

[Pat]

They have to disappear.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't know anything. I just don't buy that. If you're. If I'm. Maybe this just comes from, like, trauma brain, and, like, being where you always are. Like, I. I know your plan for me. I know. I know there's things I shouldn't know. And if there's certain things I do know, pay me an amount of money that makes me loyal to. See, this is. Putin is so good at this. Putin knows. Just poison him or give him a castle. There's no in between.

[Pat]

Or pretend to give them a castle. Poison them when they think they're moving.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. Put arsenic in the paint in the castle.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Or put him in witness protection, which is really just our spies watching you to make sure you don't give away the secrets.

[Pat]

Just agreeing to go into witness protection. Like, would they really spend this amount of money on me every year?

[Whitney Cummings]

And then they could just give me the money to stay quiet. And they're paying all these men to stare at me.

[Pat]

Yeah. They'd rather tell me my status and watch me for the rest of my life.

[Whitney Cummings]

Just fascinating. These are all human beings, or.

[Pat]

I just need to get in the van. And then I'll disappear. And then they don't have to spend all that money on Witness.

[Whitney Cummings]

This is like this story. It's a really quick antidote. Before I tell you guys to not ride elephants, I will talk about the drafts. Weird. I did bring that up earlier when there was a fire in la. I just always am shocked when I remember that everyone's just a human being. Everyone is just a person that wants to see something cool. And there was a huge fire. Woolsey fires. There's a giraffe in Malibu. They're not evacuating it. I've said what I said, I don't wanna kick this up again. But there were all these checkpoints that nobody could get past, right. Because there was like downed power lines and whatever. And I managed to kinda like, con my way past, like, two checkpoints. And then there was a final checkpoint that was. It was a fiery hill. Before I had a kid, I was quite reckless. Adrenaline is my drug of choice. And I just. When an animal is being abused, I just. I go offline. Like, I'm just gone. And so I was like, I'm driving an electric car over down power lines. Like, it's actually kind of wild. It was like LA traffic guy. It was someone that was just like, you can't drive past this. It wasn't like an actual fire fireman. The firemen were heroes and kings during this. And I get there and there's no way I can get past this checkpoint. There's no way. I can't say I live up there. I can't. There's nothing like you would need, like, a media pass. But even then, you couldn't even get up there from a media pass because there was a downed power line that had to be driven over. And there's active flames. It's smoky. I mean, it's true. And I pulled up this guy and I just was like, do you want to see a giraffe? And he was like, hell, yeah. I was like, let's go. That was it. That was it. You know what I mean? Like, it was so. It's like, are you going to kill? Do you want to see an alien or not?

[Pat]

Maybe he thought that was like, swinger talk. Yeah, like your uniform. Want to see a giraffe?

[Whitney Cummings]

I literally. It was. It was the only card I had and the most powerful card. I'm just saying, if you've seen an alien, if you can do, like, there's got to be a way that you have more power over anyone that actually wants to end you Even if I'm hired to go take one of these people out, I'm like, okay, I have to get rid of you at some point. Could you. Can I just see your cloud? Like, who are these people that actually would go through with that? They're like, here's the deal. We're gonna go for a hike. I'm gonna pretend. I'm gonna pretend to kill you. But, like, ET Is my favorite movie. From what I understand, you've seen an alien. And guess what? I'm not gonna kill you. I'm gonna just be weird until you show me those. I'll let you live if you just show me, Tell me what you know.

[Pat]

I need you to prove that you trust me well enough to think that I'm gonna pretend to kill you and get in the van.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, totally. So we're gonna just pretend. I'm gonna do this. It's like, what was the guy's name in Handmaid's Tale? And June in the Handmaid's Tale, where they sort of like, he pretended to be, like, punishing her all the time and hot. And I just feel like that, to me, is what these stories are more like. And there's a guy that now has to live with the secret that he didn't kill the scientist and he's seen aliens and he's just going nuts somewhere in Tucson. Like, I have. So I don't know. I think it's because I am incapable of keeping a secret. I'm like. I just have to say it. All these people that are required to keep secrets, I just. Oh, my God.

[Pat]

Well, you know what? You would think that if a government scientist was able to retire and not have to completely changed their identity in their whole life, wouldn't there be hundreds of podcasts starring, of course, former government scientists?

[Whitney Cummings]

But we have some of those, and no one buys it. There's all these people. Like, I was the head of the CIA for 10 years. Now I'm on rich roll. We're like, who's this guy?

[Pat]

But the CIA, that's all. It's all smoke and mirrors to begin with. So who knows what they're saying? But you're not. There's no government scientist that's like. And here's how we figured out how to make a really compact atomic bomb.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Pat]

How many retired government scientists are there that are even how much of it is?

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. I think that, like, the people, the real deals aren't out there like, LARPing, you know, it's like, real comedians aren't, like, eating Tide pods off of a boat for a tick tock challenge. But they say they're doing comedy. And we're like, well, you, like, might not hear from us for a year because we're trying to make comedy. You know, it's like all these people, like, I. That are. I mean, truly just like, talking to Trisha Paytas. Just being like, I was in the CIA. And you're like, well, now you're in Tarzana, giving, like, who is this guy?

[Pat]

The more you say that, the less people believe you, by the way.

[Whitney Cummings]

What? I was in the CIA.

[Pat]

I was in the CIA. Every time that comes out of your mouth, people believe you're allowed to say that.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, I feel like that's not the case.

[Pat]

Thought of an interesting side hustle, which is convincing people that they are in the CIA.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's so funny, Cat. There are times I think it all the time. I'm like, I'm a. I'm a vehicle for them.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

They have me passing messages.

[Pat]

Yeah. I need a couple of people wearing an ear thing that they've never seen before, and I just need them to bump into them a few times in the next three weeks.

[Whitney Cummings]

They're feeding something up on my algorithm. They're like, whitney's gonna talk about this. It's gonna help distract from this. Am I just a puppet to you people? Am I a CIA puppet?

[Pat]

Switch her mail with the neighbor's mail just a couple of times a month.

[Whitney Cummings]

The level of narcissism. To think I'm. I'm a puppet. I'm a CI. Because I'll say things sometimes I'm like, I didn't want to say that. Why am I talking about Bill Gates's vaccine bugs? Who put that in my chip? And I'm like, someone must have put a chip in my head. It's like the ultimate way to try to, like, not be accountable. I just. I'm a CIA puppet. They don't even know it.

[Pat]

Yeah, but the evidence is clear.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, they have me playing. Why else would I say something so crazy? That's what I went on CNN and started yelling about. Where's the silverware of the Trump shooter? He was in a black rock commercial. Huh? No one would say that unless they were hypnotized and brainwashed by the gate program. As a kid, I have the tattoo. I mean, I do have the dot. It is weird. The gate program thing. You're just like, I do have the dot. Don't Google gate program, kid. You can't. You can't. You're not ready for that. But love you guys don't ride elephants.

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