← Good For You with Whitney Cummings
Good For You with Whitney Cummings
Basketball Gods | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 301
00:53:29
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Transcript120 lines
- [00:00]
A
Are we rolling?
- [00:01]
B
We are rolling.
- [00:03]
A
And can you just say what you just said again?
- [00:05]
B
I'm going to remind you to promote the fact that you're on tour.
- [00:09]
A
Do you guys hear Pat?
- [00:10]
B
Because people want to see. They don't know where to get tickets.
- [00:13]
A
Do you hear Pat telling me on the 301st episode just how to start a podcast? And by the way, how. How closely I'm listening to try to, like, this is the day I'm going to get it.
- [00:28]
B
Today's the day.
- [00:29]
A
Today's the day.
- [00:30]
B
I. I know you're going to get it because we wrote it down.
- [00:32]
A
You're, like, generally promote your tour, just.
- [00:35]
B
You don't let people know what else you're up to other than what they're looking at now.
- [00:40]
A
I just feel like, you know, I prefer a little scavenger hunt. I prefer a little mystery. We're like animals in a zoo. You know why animals in a zoo are always sick? Besides the fact that they're on drugs. Not allegedly for sure. True. They don't get to hunt. They just throw them meat that's already been deceased.
- [00:58]
B
Depression.
- [00:59]
A
That's what telling someone your website is. Okay, yeah. You like the hunt. You guys are. You're hunting. You're trying to find shack in the mall. You're trying to find the food truck that's downtown. It's at a different place every week. You're trying to go to the Labu Drop. You don't want us to tell you where we are. So if you want to come see me do standup, good luck. Good luck finding me. Norfolk, maybe St. Louis. Who knows? Your guess is as good as mine. I should just. You know what? I want to start doing just, like, no website. Find me. Who does that.
- [01:35]
B
Another Daniel Day Lewis. You're the Daniel Day Lewis of comedy.
- [01:41]
A
I want. Daniel Day Lewis is obviously a brilliant actor, but also, like, who knows? Who knows who?
- [01:45]
B
He's not telling us everything.
- [01:47]
A
There's no way of knowing. We don't know his personality. So there's. He might just be this guy, and there's just no way of knowing if someone's a good actor or not.
- [01:55]
B
Yeah.
- [01:56]
A
Am I wrong?
- [01:57]
B
Well, if they're good, you won't even know they're acting.
- [01:58]
A
You know, I'm right about this. It's impossible to know. But I just love the idea that, like, he. What if he's, like, not getting jobs and he's like, I retired.
- [02:10]
B
Like, I only do one movie every seven years by choice.
- [02:13]
A
I'm gonna say that. To me, that's me with tv. I'm in retirement. Once every seven years, I'll take something on because, like, I'm gonna go. I have to go. If I'm gonna play a cobbler, I'm gonna go be a cobbler for years. So if I'm gonna play an annoying single mom, I need to spend some time being an annoying single mom. Yeah, I get offers up the wazoo.
- [02:38]
B
But the problem is they're asking for a not annoying single mom.
- [02:41]
A
That would be bad acting.
- [02:44]
B
Do you want to promote the special?
- [02:46]
A
If you stop me from self sabotaging, I will.
- [02:50]
B
What will we have to talk about all week if not forgetting to do something?
- [02:56]
A
Our text is literally me going to Pat, hey, remind me to do this thing. Remind me to do this thing. And then we get in here, and I'm just like, stop, like, yelling at me. Oh, my God. Gaslighting much? You guys, I have a special on YouTube. It is free, right?
- [03:11]
B
Yes.
- [03:11]
A
Not emotionally. I'm sure you have to watch a couple of random ads. But the good news is that with my standup special, they'll probably be pretty entertaining sponsors. It's gonna be like, oh, oh, word therapy for polyamory people. Well, I didn't even know that was a business until I watched Whitney Special. You know what? I do have bad credit from the last app. I got to help me with my credit. Who ruined my credit?
- [03:40]
B
Throuple Mediation.
- [03:41]
A
Yeah, Morgan and Morgan's Throuple Mediation Division Promo code, Whitney. So I have one special on YouTube right now, streaming, free. And then we have another one coming soon. The one that's up there now. I am pregnant and very out of breath. And let's just say my torso is in fuego. So now that. Pat, what would I do without you? Fogarty finished reminding me what I do for a living. Time to welcome you to the program, whether you're a real human or a bot or a hater or a troll. You're all welcome. Let's just. Let's just all try and make some sense of the world for the next hour and just try to pretend that we are all, indeed real. Now I am starting to think that I might be real.
- [04:30]
B
Really?
- [04:30]
A
I know you've turned a corner. I know. Plot twist. Like, could we be real? I did something healthy the other day. I made a good choice. Every now and then, it happens. So I decided that for one night, and one night only for now, instead of hunching over my phone like a gargoyle, to try to live vicariously through videos other people take. I went to something in person.
- [04:56]
B
As a fan.
- [04:56]
A
As a fan, going to something in person at this point is an extreme act of bravery. I believe you're like, okay, I'm going to a thing with a bunch of people. What am I. Do I. I got my clear purse. That's not stressful. That's not stressful. Like, I gotta get a clear bag so people can see what's in my bag. Where are we going? You're like, okay, so I gotta be prepared for what? Is there gonna be an explosion? Is there gonna be a. Is someone going to drive through the crowd? If I go to a theme park, is the roller coaster going to collapse and crush a bunch of Disney adults? Is the pirate ship going to fly off and hit a cava pop up store? I went to an event and something happened that was way scarier than any of those things. I went to an event where I had to worry about the entertainer slipping and falling on a neon green item that is in the shape of a zucchini. Because humans broke. We broke. I went to the Fever Sparks WNBA game. Let me just tell you right now, I don't have any jokes for this. It was sensational. You know, about you. I don't know if everybody knows that basketball was my dream in life.
- [06:11]
B
I think you could still join the league.
- [06:13]
A
I don't know about that. I don't know about that. I know you're being facetious, and I. I'm taking it seriously. I'm like, no, I'm. Look, that was my plan. I think everyone. I actually did an episode about this on a sitcom I did because no one ever believes me when I'm like, basketball was like my. That's what I wanted to do. I played like, super hardcore aau. Is that still, like, around, like, AAU leagues? Right? I went to Europe to play basketball, which is like a pre Olympic thing. And like, here's the thing. Everyone's like, were you good? It's like, it depends what league. I was like, the more competitive it gets, the shorter you get. It's like, you know, I have that theory that every million dollars a man has adds an inch of height in basketball. Like, I started as a power forward, and then by the time I got to Germany, I was like a point guard, you know, because in Europe. There's no in Europe. By the time we got there, it was just like, men just in wigs. Like, we were just literally playing men in wigs. There was no. They didn't even try. There was no. Like, you think men are Trying to get into sports in America. It was just like straight up lurch, just slamming the ball, like, into our throats. Like, no questions that. No, there's no fouls. You just keep going. Like, it was. Well, I. That's what I wanted to do, and I want to go to college for basketball, and that's what I was working on. But money is a thing, and sometimes we have to make it. And I was in a couple of jams back then, and I had to work for money back then. The WNBA being like, the option because I was like, oh, that was my dream, going to WNBA back then. It was like a joke. It was like. It was like a charity. It was like the make a wish scrimmage. It was like the WNBA back when I wanted to be in it. I guess this is what 18 years ago was like. It was like the McRib like, you never knew if it was still happening or if it's just every now and then or like a special occasion. It's like, like the WNBA back then was like Alaska Airlines. You were just like, is it just in Alaska? Sometimes I see it in other cities. I'm just unclear. Like, is this a real business? Like, I'm not sure what, like, money laundering scheme. Like, I couldn't just give my life over to trying to get into a league that no one even knew was real or not. I mean, that would have been so unstable and insane of me. So instead I decided to tell jokes to drunk strangers at night instead. You know, a real job. Something that would be good for my mental health.
- [08:35]
B
The easy route, the.
- [08:38]
A
But basketball. I still identify as a basketball player, like, first and foremost. And then I just, like, happen to do comedy on the side. Like, that's how, you know how, like, there's girls who are still, like, the head of their sorority. Like, they're still in a sorority even though they're 40 and, like, sell cosmetics at MLM in their jam. But they're, like, still trying to, like, haze you and put rank people. You're like, what do you. They still, like, do splits in a photo. You're like, what are you doing? Like, that's me with basketball. It took me a while to figure out. Most people in entertainment do not come from team sports. It's not team sports mentality, people. It's theater dorks that are all competing and to, like, tap dance. Like, they have. They have. They. They hammer, like, things on their shoes to make more noise. Like, I mean, it's like, I didn't think I would meet anyone who need more attention than me. Like, I need to make noise while I'm walking alone. Like, I'm not. That's a level that is, like, I can't even relate to. You know, it's like ballerina people. Like, entertainment's like ballerina girls who were, you know, their moms and dads drove them to some, like, mini mall and. And shimmied pantyhose on them and the put mascara on them in the parking lot. Like, I did not have that. My dad dropped me off at, like, a rusty basketball hoop where it was like. Like the pavement wasn't even the full court. It was pavement, dirt, grass. Like, it was just dumpsters. That was it. And then threw maybe some Gatorade gum at me, which, for sure they don't make it anymore, I don't think. And then I just do free throws until he would come pick me up at, like, midnight that day. I mean, that was pretty much it. Today we call that autism. Back then, we called it being a winner. It's why I think I've struggled in this business, because I'm all about, like, let's get on the same team. Like, we can also not get along every second of the day but still be on the same team. Like, that's. That's, like a sportsmanship thing. Like, and it made me realize, like, this epidemic of girls being weird with girls. Like, girls don't have a thing that, like, unites us all. There's no thing that. That girl that. You see girls working together as a team. There's, like, cults, like, astrology, like, your astrological sign. Like. Like, sag. Sag. There's like, that. Like, birthdays, the month you were born in. You kind of see girls teaming up slightly. Like, tell me your birthday.
- [11:00]
B
July 30th.
- [11:01]
A
July 15th.
- [11:03]
B
We have so much in common.
- [11:05]
A
Yeah, like, the back. The bathroom. But we don't have a lot of. There's no thing for girls where they're, like, fans of one thing. Coachella. They kind of. Every girl now is kind of their own island. We don't work together on things. I feel like the WNBA is our only hope at watching women, like, work together as a team at anything. Am I wrong? When. Where else do you see that in reality shows? Women always fighting each other. Can you think of any time that women are working to, like, the hospital?
- [11:33]
B
No, they're usually competing against each other.
- [11:35]
A
That's also true. Like nurses, girls volleyball. I mean, literally, you'd have to wait for the Olympics to happen every four years. Right. Cheerleaders in the NFL? I don't know. I don't. I guess they're all working together to try and not cry during the game. I guess there's teamwork in the changing room when they give each other oic. I don't. The point is, basketball was my whole life for, for a very long time until I basically had to get an eating disorder to be able to do modeling at the mall to pay for college, where I would stand on a block in panties. Sorry. It is, it is. Actually, whenever someone's like, you modeled? I'm like, no, it's actually worse. It was a humiliation ritual. I did like some QVC where they were put like half tanner on my face, but the other half they wouldn't. So I was like half a hate crime. And to show how well the tanner was working, I was doing maternity catalogs when I was like 14. I mean, it was walking around a mall in wedding dresses. I was like the person that was like going up to a bunch of women who were not even engaged probably wanted to be like, would you like to go upstairs and look at the bridal gowns? It was like the Internet in person. I was like a pop up ad. I was like that person, like trying to perfume. That was a big thing. Just giving people migraines at the mall when they were just like trying to cheat on their husbands. Like it was just a whole ass thing. But to be in a fully sold out arena for female basketball players. There were men wearing Caitlin Clark jerseys who were straight. I checked.
- [13:06]
B
How did you check?
- [13:07]
A
I followed them around for a while. Okay. People were chanting for Sophie Cunningham, who you guys already know I have a giant crush on. When I, I, I was sobbing like, I'll cry just thinking about it now. I was having this emotional moment like, oh my. Finally women get to compete and be taken seriously as basketball players. Honestly, I'm gonna say it. I believe that the WNBA is more entertaining than the NBA right now. I'm gonna say it. In the NBA now, they're like zombies, just like walk sleepwalking through plays. Like men's college basketball is still, I think, pretty fun to watch, you know, But I feel like in the NBA we're just watching guys try to not.
- [13:43]
B
Get injured if they were paid on a rewards basis where you get paid per point, you get paid per steal, you get paid per rebound. It'd be a completely different game.
- [13:54]
A
Also, if you get injured, you don't get all your money, which is a weird way to motivate, yet depends on your contract. Motivate people. Oh, that's not everyone.
- [14:02]
B
I'm sure.
- [14:02]
A
Some people I've only dated the ones that don't get paid if they're injured, I guess. Or that's what they said. Anyway, I need you to drive to my house tonight. I can't get injured or I won't get paid. Okay. I just. To me, the WNBA is just so electric. Like, they have so much more to prove and it seems like they actually want to play basketball instead of just like get in a Verizon wireless commercial. So we all have to sit through awkward acting, by the way, after you just missed six free throws. So you go be an actor now. Like, okay, can you act like you can maybe hit free throws? To me, when something's not competitive anymore, it's like, why did I just compete with 500 people in the parking lot to get. Why am I the person? Why have I ran more than you coming to see this NBA? Why am I sweating and you're chilling? Okay. I just like sports to actually be competitive. And I feel like the NBA, NFL, like a tiny bit, they're losing a little bit of their competition because they're all making just way too much money. Okay? They're going to win either way. So it's not always about, like, winning. It's like, it's like when people say that standup is a male dominated job. I'm always like, huh? Okay, well, that's only because it's done at 10pm on Friday night. But standup is a very female thing. It's trying to be the center of attention to talk about your feelings and complain. It's. It's basically being a bridezilla. You're on stage. Like, guys, guys, it's really. This has been really hard for me. Like, what are you doing? Why aren't you guys together? And you know, where you're from? Like, I want to know everything about everybody. Like, where have you been? Where are you from? Where do you live? How come you're not engaged? Why are you wearing that? It's just basically like, it's my party. I can cry if I want to. No one else is allowed to talk. And if someone does talk, they're gonna remove you. I just feel like in terms of compelling competitive energy, the WNBA is so much more interesting right now. And by the way, I'm not like, everything needs to be female. I think we. I think we need to switch a couple things around. I actually think we need to take a break from women teaching teenage boys for a while. Seems. Seems to be too much of a conflict at the moment. I'm not sure why any female teacher is attracted. I don't know what they see in these teenage. I'm not sure when acne and. And a high score on Twitch became such an aphrodisiac, but I think we might need.
- [16:23]
B
We need to reintroduce the marm.
- [16:25]
A
We need to reintroduce the marm or at least weed out the female teachers who want to date their students. Like, I kind of thought that a kid saying, I got to go, my mom's here to pick me up might be a vibe killer, but apparently having deep conversations about PewDiePie and the Nelk boys is a turn on these days for women in their late 30s. I don't. The point is, I went to this WNBA game and I truly had the time of my life. It was. I am an intensity junkie. You know this about me. So there is just nothing. There's nothing like watching underdogs work twice as hard to get half as far. And I just feel like there's no underdogs anymore. Everyone only wants to be perceived as winning, winning, winning, winning all the time, right? You don't see anyone with anything to prove, right? Like, the WNBA has managed to capture a level of tension that may only be achieved by nascar. Because when you're watching nascar, you're basically waiting for the crash, right? You're kind of. You're kind of hoping you don't see one, but if you do, it wouldn't be the end of the world, you know, if it was going to happen anyway. I was just here. I wasn't rooting. Like, I'd rather it happen on a race I'm at than one I wasn't at. Like, if it's going to happen regardless, you know, they're going to crash at some point if I'm here. So it used to be like the Coliseum in Rome, right? It's like the opposite now. You go to the Coliseum in Rome to see people die. But now we've evolved to a way more sophisticated level of, like, playing Russian roulette with it. We're like, if I go to 10 races, I'll for sure see one person at least get disfigured to the point of not being able to open his iPhone with his face. And so I'm not like a heathen. I'm not like a psychopath, right? There's some kind of comfort in going to a NASCAR race and knowing at some point you get to rubberneck, you get to rubber that's our favorite thing to do. You get to look at a car accident without having to wait in traffic. You get to buy the ticket, and you're pretty much guaranteed the ability to rubberneck at some point, you know, I feel guilty either, because they're getting paid so much money. And I get to look at every brand that has ever existed at one time, which, honestly, you know, nostalgia is the only thing that I think makes anyone feel anything anymore. Nascar. I love watching nascar. Cause I'm like, okay, Fig Newtons. A Fig Newton car. Good for them. I'm, like, proud of brands. Like, I'm proud. Like. Like, look at you, all grown up at nascar. You see brands you have not seen in so long, like, in your face. You're like, okay, Werther's Originals. Oh, I didn't realize you had rap. A race car, money at Daytona. Like, I love the ads in nascar. That's honestly part of why it is so entertaining to me. And because it's like a walk down memory lane. You're like, okay, zebra gum. All right. Oh, Henry Barr, look who's back. Like, wet and wild. Okay, do your thing. Okay, Johnson and Johnson. Like, like, you bouncing back after all those lawsuits for, like, arsenic and baby powder. Like, okay. Like, it's. It's. There's. It's history. It's current events. It's nostalgia. The point is, the tension in this WNBA game was so intense because everyone was waiting for, you know what, that green projectile to be thrown onto the court. We're all like, is it gonna. Or is it gonna. Do I have it? Where's it gonna go? I mean, everyone was waiting for this thing to be thrown. When it finally did happen, it wasn't even, like, funny. It wasn't. Was just, like, awkward and weird. And I did have an epiphany that in society, most problems we have start with someone trying to be funny. As someone that does that for a living, I believe I'm able to say this with certainty and authority. Every king that started every war, I feel like, was like, well, we also just go kill them all, you know? And everyone's like, ah. And then later, he's like, well, we just kill him. Shouldn't we? And they were like, they didn't laugh again. He's like, you don't think I will? I mean, you laugh last time. You don't think, I'll do it. I'll do it. It's like, why are you spiraling, King? I would do so poorly in times with kings. I would have gotten beheaded so fast. I'd be like, oh, really? Really? You want me to bow? Like guy wearing a red cape lined with Dalmatian, like, no, no, sorry, I can't bow, Lord, because you forced me to give birth to five children. Breach. My body's backwards. Maybe you can't see my leg coming out of my shoulder because you're blinded by the diamonds and rubies in your bedazzled headband. Head gone. Just gone. But no head. Even no head, it would still be talking. I would just cut the head in half and in half. I really do want a time machine just so I can go back to, like, the 1600s for the king and just see how long I'd have a head. 15 minutes maybe. Everyone, there's a company called Kickoff, and I already like this brand. I'm already into what they do. I especially like the fact that they're trying to write in my voice. They started the ad with, you know what's wild? Like, thank you. I. The way you do anything is the way you do everything just based on the fact that this company is trying to cater the ad reads to the talent and actually, like, knows what we do is, like, I already know that this company is legit. So here's the deal, and you know it's wild is that a huge chunk of people in the US have credit that is considered below average. And when that happens, borrowing gets way harder and more expensive. This is. This is why I defended Anna Delvey. This exact thing. How can you get money if you're not already rich? How can you get anything if you have bad credit? It's impossible. You got to just be a con artist. So thank you, Kickoff, for ending an excuse for con artists to go con. That's why I like Kickoff. It's built just for building credit, not a credit card that you can go blow on some pair of kicks. It's small credit line just to help you improve your credit history. They report to three major credit bureaus and the monthly payment is tiny, starting at just $5, which makes it easy to pay on time, which is the whole point. Open a Kickoff account. It adds to your credit mix. You're going to make on time payments. Your utilization looks healthier over time. Your cred can grow. Sign up is quick. There's no credit check, and you can even start for just $1 a month. Go to kickoff.com Whitney. That's K I K O F F.com Whitney. You must sign up at Get G K I K O F F Whitney to activate the offer. Offer Applies to new Kickoff customers. First month only. Subject to approval offer subject to change. Average first year credit impact of plus 84 points for users starting under 600 with on time payments. Late payments may negatively impact credit. Individual results may vary. You know something about me, Pat?
- [23:17]
B
I know a few things about you.
- [23:19]
A
You know what. You know what they say about me, don't you?
- [23:23]
B
You know what they say I don't dare to repeat.
- [23:26]
A
You know, like, sometimes I'll start something and not know where I'm going with it and just sort of throw myself off of a cliff. And then I'm like, they say that, too. I thought I was kidding. I thought I was gonna. No, here's the thing. I'm nothing if not a broken record. But a broken record is right twice a day, okay?
- [23:44]
B
Everybody knows that.
- [23:45]
A
Everybody knows that. All right? You can take a horse to water, but you can't teach it to fish. Quince is my new obsession because I find myself, by the way, talking about it off the podcast all the time. I am like, here's the deal. You don't have to pay as much. And it's got quality cashmere separates, and it's got the best cardigans. I love being, like, the star of the dinner. Who's like, but what about Quince numbers? Like, Quint. And I'm like, yeah. And the people that haven't heard about it, I'm like, that's like. Like, dropping Quince at dinner with the girls now is, like, dropping, like, BON Iver, like, 15 years ago. You know what I mean? Or like, you're like, have you heard of Bright Eyes? Like, when I was in college, Like, Bright Eyes. Everyone's like, who? And you're like, I'm the coolest person. Like Quince, I am obsessed with quints, okay? Staples that feel expensive, but they're not basics. Jackie. Oh, no. With the other Jackie, the other Gleason Nip, who's the one that the plane went down? The RFK's. What, the blonde Paltrow. Look, the point is, why are we.
- [24:48]
B
Talking about a plane crash?
- [24:51]
A
Because that's what this podcast is, okay? I can't say train wreck for legal reasons. My son loves trains too much. We can't talk about that. I just mean, like, she was, like, the Paragon poster girl for, like, classic clean silk skirts with, like, a sophisticated white T shirt. No problem. Like, cashmere baggy sweater with, like, a linen short GW Paltra when she was dating Brad Pitt. Old news. Still. Still need to. Still need to dissect that at some point. So it's. So everything goes together. Okay, My favorite little white cardigan. I throw it all on over everything. I'm just like the chicest person. I'm like, oh, did she just come from tennis or is she just like from Europe? Like, okay, Malta. Like, every time I like, wear it, I'm just like the cutest person alive. But then you could also like, put it with like, like a little, like, skirt or something. It's like, okay, 90s dream girl. Like, all right, Liv Tyler. So here's the thing. Everything costs about half of what you would pay for 70. It's half the cost of what it would be in any other place. It's not just about the price. It works at factories that use safe, ethical, responsible manufacturing practices. It's luxury without the guilt. Upgrade your fall wardrobe. Now go to quince.com whitney for free shipping and 365 day return. That's quint.com whitney. Okay, so I'm at the Fever Sparks game. I am so obsessed right now with what entertains us. Cause we can't find. We're on our phones all day. Nothing. It's not enough. It's not enough. This is no imax. Not enough. Not the sphere. Not enough. Not enough. It's just not enough. WNBA is enough. Okay? And I went to a game where Caitlin Clark was injured. Honestly, when a great player is on the bench, there's oddly even more intense energy because they're playing without her. So everyone has even more to prove, right? They have to, like, have even more grit. And then it's the other team's only chance to win. So they're being super scrappy, you know, like in the, you know, statistics later, when they say 2025. 2025 win over the Fever, like, no one's going to know. Remember that Caitlin was injured. Just going to. You know what I'm saying? So it was personal and it was rough. It felt like some players were trying to, like, show off in front of Caitlin. Okay, I'm not. I'm not making this up. I follow the WNBA drama obsessively. And Kelsey Plum, who is point for the Sparks, they had just shaded Caitlin Clark in a press conference, right? And then she's playing right in front of Caitlin Clark. And I'm like, this is like Real Housewives meets Love island meets, like, high School meets, like, the mma. I was like, oh, my God. I just. I forgot what being in the present moment felt like. And I. Oh, if you think the trash talk in MMA is bad, dude, Dude, WNBA is getting so wild. Because, you know, what's craziest about it and why the WNBA is actually better at this is cuz, you know, the trash talk hurts their feelings. With guys, you're like, they don't care. They don't care. They're just like throws.
- [27:44]
B
They might even think it's funny.
- [27:46]
A
They have all that stuff. Like, the only reason you're talking about me is because when you talk about yourself, no one listens. Like, they've got all their mantras and, you know, whatever. And they're just like the haters. And with the girls, you know, it hurts their feelings. And they want, they're like, I just want to be her friend, you know? So the guys, they don't care. They're just like trying to focus on holding their power rate up right? So they. For the partnership, you know, the WNBA doesn't have the endorsement culture money yet. They're still playing. Like they're playing in college. They don't make the money yet. That would make them be playing for the money. Like they're still playing for the love of the game or their dad's love or whatever it is. And I realized at the, at the game that I forgot what people look like when they love something. That's what I was. I was like, this is watching. I was watching people care. And I was like, this is what we never see is people care. I feel like all day we watch sore winners do all the things that they wanted to do. They're living their dreams and they resent it. We're watching singers just sort of like, you know, sleepwalk through their Vegas shows lip syncing. We watch influencers complain about how hard it is now that they've accomplished their goals and have money. And it's all fake friends. We watch famous comedians complain about their depression. We watch entertainers try to get pity because of their Lyme disease. Like, okay, FDR had polio. He had like half a leg and he was fat and he sang the verses and he. I'm. I'm just saying no one is proud anymore or happy or celebrating. My entire TikTok is people saying they hate everyone. Everyone's a narcissist. Everyone they go on dates with is gaslighting them. They hate their friends. All their friends are fake. You know, this celebrity is toxic. And this celebrity is toxic. This. I hate this person on Love island and I got the. The boo boo and it's fake. I got the gay Chucky as fact. No one's grateful. No one loves what they do even billionaires now are like, I need to go to space. Like, nothing's good enough for you. Like, we watch people try to love something, anything, to no avail. No one's having fun. Okay? Logan Paul seems like he's having fun and his like, brother, who does kind of look like a labubo, now that I think about it. Can you think, Pat, of anyone else else who at the moment is not just broadcasting their super avoidable problems?
- [30:21]
B
No, that's hot content all around, dude.
- [30:24]
A
Even the WNBA players who are getting knocked over and getting in fights, they're like, I'm just grateful to be here. And we're just like here to play the game basketball. And we just like love what we do and we're just like so grateful. And they're not in like a. Look at their press conferences, dude. They look like a, like a, a, like a Holiday Inn Express business center, but like sheets on the back just stapled. You see the NBA guys and they've got the. They've got like chairs and there's like a towel and there's like someone like giving them water. They've got all the waters with salt in it already or whatever that their greens. They got their kids sitting there wearing like a Gucci hat, Balenciaga handcuffs, or I don't know, whatever. And they're just like in the parking lot trying to get into their leaf. They're like bleeding from the eye, broken heart, broken ocular socket. And not only are they grateful to do this and happy to be there, they're having someone at every game. Some chromosome hoarding prankster throwing sex toys on the court. I mean, I will say it is genius. It is very disrespectful, of course. But I gotta say, the way that the girls are handling it is. And can I not call them girls? I just realized I probably shouldn't say that. Athletes, chicks. Okay, so of course this is so disrespectful that someone is like throwing these onto the court. But it's also just like revealing how pro they are and also how used to this they are. Like, it's. To them, it's kind of like not that big of a thing. Sophie Cunningham had it like thrown at her and she'd had it just like jumped over it and kept walking. The game just kept going on. They were so pro about it and that was it. That was it. They love what they do so much that they just kept going. Imagine if an actress had that happen to her on like a stage at the theater or on the Wicked set. They'd be like, we're triggered. We're going home forever. Forever. We're never leaving our house again.
- [32:23]
B
I would like to share something with you that might put into context a little bit.
- [32:26]
A
Oh, tell me.
- [32:27]
B
Yeah, Somebody posted a video on X. I'll share it with you if you want, but they said with these new gambling websites, you're not just gambling on who wins and who loses or what the spread is or whatever. You're gambling on literal events. In reality, Caitlin Clark will twist an ankle. This game I'm gonna put.
- [32:48]
A
Do they do this with the boys, too?
- [32:49]
B
They do it on everything. They do it on political events, all this stuff. There's like, these gambling sites where you're.
- [32:54]
A
So. These are divorced people.
- [32:56]
B
People are betting, not only will something be thrown onto the court, but what color will it be? And you could put $8,000 to Blue on that game in the third quarter. And all you'd really have to do to guarantee your bet is buy a ticket, show up with a blue one, throw it, and walk away with 150,000 bucks.
- [33:21]
A
This is feminism. This is women being bet on. This is. You're betting on women. You're not a magician sawing them in half. You're not making them have simulated coitus in movies for the art. This is it. We want equality. This is what it looks like. People making money off of you is equality. Congrats. You're a racehorse. We made it. We made it. Okay, People are coming in person here. Look, I just. There's two kinds of people now. There's people that go. And they're like, I want to see it live. I now realize that it's because they're going to make some kind of money if. If someone gets hurt. But better than the other people who are like, I don't want to. I'm not going to go see that. No, I'm going to. You know, I'm not going to go see a bunch of humans play a sport. I'm going to go watch other people play video games because I'm too lazy to play the video game myself. There's people that are like, can I just. Can someone else do this? And I'll just watch. What, am I going to play the video game myself, where I look like a bodybuilder? Like, I can't use my thumbs to play video games. My thumbs are occupied at the moment, sending acronyms to people I don't even really like that much. I don't want to live vicariously through some video game like some broken brain nihilist. That would take too much time and energy. I don't have any of that because I'm too busy making comments about female comedians on Reddit. I'm not some loser who's going to play video games all day. I'm going to pay money to watch some loser play video games. Okay? Even the person who goes to a WNBA game to try and humiliate the players or steal the show or bet on something, they bought a ticket. And honestly, even with those spooky intentions, this person is a radical feminist for going to, what is it, four WNBA games in a row. Honestly, this weirdo. Here's what. Anyone who tries to humiliate you publicly usually ends up doing you a favor. I, I just. The PR for the WMA right now is like, this is bad. We gotta stop this. We gotta shut this down in like a couple years. We have got to put an end to all this attention we are getting. I guess what I'm trying to say, you guys, is that can this prankster please come to my big Baby tour? Norfolk, Richmond, Philly, Baltimore, New Orleans, Arkansas in the fall so we can sell out at some shows. Thank you, WendyCompies.com if you want to cyber prank me or leak some tasteful nudes, I'd really appreciate it. I feel like this might be evidence of the psyche of what is happening to how technology has made people's lives so easy that they actually, like, think they're God. Like people. Like, I get my groceries delivered to me now, right to my door. AI is my secretary. When I want something, I can just. My car drives for me. I don't even have to steer. I guess I'm just God. Like, what if people just think they're God now? Like, Alexa Tosla, Hulu, Quirby, to be like, I have minions now. The only logical explanation is that I'm God. Brene Brown and Mel Robbins told me to believe in myself, and I believe in myself. Ask Jay Shetty. I'm God. The level of narcissism. Like, I'm gonna do this thing. No one's gonna see me. Like, there's cameras everywhere. They caught, they caught the last guy, right?
- [36:41]
B
Oh, for sure. They're gonna. Every time. And that's, and that's why when you, when you game the system on the betting site, you plan for bail lawyer, two days in jail.
- [36:54]
A
I don't know why it keeps coming to me. Like, the idea of, like, playing God, like, we're all in our own video game and I'm gonna play God and I'm gonna like, you know, what is it? Rig. Can I say, like, rig the game or glitz put a glitch in the game? Listen, this is a recurring segment I just started called Grow Up. And I just started it right before this podcast because I am obsessed with the fact that, did you see that Religion is on the rise. Like, religion. I just find it fascinating that we're just like, back to religion. Like, I guess all the, like, cerebral dorks were like, according to evolution and biology and carbon dating and string theory, God is not real. But now AI is taking over and they're like, okay, let us pray. Dear God, please don't let AI kill us. Please, God. All of a sudden, religion's looking pretty good. Like, I guess the crystals didn't work out, huh? I guess the Andrew Tate school of, of man boy love didn't deliver in spades, huh? Nambla didn't come through. I, I love that the atheists are like, like, you believe in God? You're such a loser. Like, if you really were a science person, you'd know placebo effect is more effective than anything, right? Secondly, the people who believe in God, who I know I just feel like, are so onto something. Like, they certainly have no capacity for embarrassment. And truly, that's like half the battle in life. They will sing with a group of strangers that they don't know in public. I would truly do anything for that kind of confidence in a social setting. Like, atheists are like, I don't believe in subscribing to a dogma. And then they're like, let's go to Geno's Cheesesteaks, Pat. Cheesesteak sucks. I'm a Geno's guy. They're like, I don't use a Samsung. Use a Samsung. Are you insane? I'll never let something not real dictate my life. Now excuse me, I have to go play fantasy football for six hours. Okay. Even though I'm on the program to do the four hour work week by Tim Ferriss, who I listen to all day, every day, but no one tells this guy what to do. I, I just knew. I knew it. I was feeling that. We are in an existential crisis. People are searching for meaning. And by meaning, I do mean Lamubus. I, I, look, I'm in a 12 step program. I've talked about this. I say God. I'm fine with saying God. I don't really care. I just want to be on. Even as a.01%, I want to, I want to be on the good side here. Okay? All I know is that whenever things go sideways, I'm like, God, I know you haven't heard from me in a while. That's always how I open. Like, I spin. I just want you to know I'm very. I don't want to bother you. I'm not going to, like, bother you every day. But, like, I'm, you know, we're like. We're like, you know, like your best friends you can hear from once a year. That's me. Okay.
- [39:44]
B
Got my tail tucked again.
- [39:45]
A
It's just humble. You're on. Humble as you like us.
- [39:53]
B
As I am. Want.
- [39:56]
A
Born flawed as you predicted.
- [39:59]
B
Your image, not mine.
- [40:00]
A
Right. Right again. Back with some. With some cash money for the church. Where's that basket? Got some guilt, just as you suspected. Not my fault. Feels like it was Eve's. Eve did that. You know, I'm not going to blame Eve, but, you know, what choice did I have? I just. I find it hilarious when religions feud. Like, I'm. I'm used to now. Republicans and Democrats feuding. Eagles fans, Cowboys fans, fine. Like, you know, left, right, Woke up. I'm. We. We can't start with, like, religious. I'm starting to see, like, religious feuding going on again. It's like, guys, no, we're not. No, no, no, no. We can't go back. We can't go back. Having different religions. Honestly, like, if you have a different religion from someone else, you have more in common with them than anyone in your family. Like, what. Why is religion the thing that makes you the most different from someone else? It's truly, like, the six or seven most important, like dog or cat person is way bigger. Like a cat person and a dog person who are both Christian, have way less in common than a cat Christian person and a cat. Jewish person. Like, your religion is cats, but you go to church on Sunday. The difference between what kind of hair is in your house at all times that isn't your hair is way bigger than, like, what symbol you have on your necklace. Like, that's a different. Some people have a box of their animals feces in their laundry room, and some don't. That's a pretty big difference. Maybe like, the main one. Some people have poop out on display and some don't. I have way more in common with the person who worships a different God than the person who's okay with poop being inside the house for a couple days because I'm the kind of person who takes their animal outside to Put their excrement somewhere that isn't the place where I put all my life savings into. They don't get to poop where I breathe. That's a personal belief system. That might be my religion, so to speak. Some people will allow their animals to poop in the laundry room where you take your clothes to get clean, your stuff to get clean. The room where you take things to get clean smells, you're greeted with feces. The point is, look, I'm not slamming cat people. I'm about to be a cat person. I have to. My guys gonna get a cat. I'm. I'm trying to figure. And, you know, I'm a cat person who really, like, identifies as a dog person. I'm not slamming cat people. I grew up with cats, but how I grew up with cat. They were outside, they would come and they would go. I'd see them on the street. I'd be like, what up? They'd be like, not in public, okay. I'd be like, all right, sorry. I mean, in the yard, behind the trash cans, later, okay. My cats growing up, they had a life. Cats used to have a life. They would go do things. They would, like, go out. You know, they let you know when they needed to go out. You'd be like, oh, you were in. Now we have to, like, keep cats inside in a high security prison? Like, what happened to just like a cat? It comes, it goes. That's the whole point of a cat on the East Coast. You just let them go. You're not. What are you worried about with the cars or the dogs? Like, the cats I had growing up were like, mafia dogs were terrified of them. Like, they were street cats who would, like, fight dogs, no problem. They all had toxoplasmosis and drank sewer water. Back when all, like, the good stuff was getting flushed down toilets at work in, like, a hurry. I'm just saying, two people who have different religions, they have more in common than, like, an English person and an American person from two different countries. My niece was just here for two weeks. She's English. My brother married an English woman, and we went to the Freaky Friday premiere. She brought a camera with the wheel on it, disposable camera to take to the photo place. Her and I, same exact situation with God. We're strangers in the night. She's perfectly fine. Leaving her film with some guy for two days who could make as many copies as he wants. She's perfectly fine. Not putting a filter on it. Just having the same face in real life. As she has in a photo. She's like, not catfishing anyone. She's just going to put the photo where? Like in a drawer. Like a creep on a corkboard. Like a strung out detective. Like, who. Who do you work for? Who does my niece work for? She's like, got this disposable camera. I'm like, why can't you have a phone? Like, what's up? Like, like, so fishy. Like, two people, different religions. Like, not trusting each other. Like, I just. If you are religious, you have more in common than someone who uses a doctor versus a chiropractor. Two different religions. Like, one person loves outdated medicine and the other loves magic. What I'm saying is I'm fascinated by this new development. Get ready for me to have more thoughts on it, even if I, you know, contradict myself from this week. I like religious people. They. They see, they figure out the thing. I like people that have their thing. I like to know what your. Your thing is. You know what I mean? Because also, hot, hot. Take. Religion is not that big of a deal. It's just like, not like what we read different books, we go to different buildings. You know what I mean? Like, the people who boss us around to pray wear different kinds of dresses and hats. Like, we eat different things, but people do that. Any are vegan, some aren't, which is weird because they eat the body of the Christ, which is like cannibalism. Like, no one, none of it makes sense. None of it makes sense. But you. I like people to just go, got it? Also, who cares? Like, imagine caring. Something's fishy when people latch on to an identity that will either what is it, an inculcate. What is it when you're immune, make them immune to something, throw you off the trail. That's what I'm always just. I don't listen to what anyone says after they say what they. I'm a this, I'm a this. And I'm like, what are you? What's in it for you to say that? Because I would have made that deduction naturally had you not said it. But you said, I'm a Christian, I'm an atheist, I'm this. As soon as you say what you are, I'm like, why do you feel the need to. Your behavior should speak for itself. So anytime, something. When someone's like, I'm an atheist, I'm like, what are you up to that you need, like, morality to not be real? What are you up to? Is that what you need to tell yourself before you Make a bad decision or hurt someone. You're like, well, there's no God. No God is watching. And then Christianity. Is it a. I can do whatever I want? Because I'll just make. What is it? Go into the bucket. The. The photo booth thing later.
- [46:48]
B
I've already RSVP'd with the Lord.
- [46:51]
A
I'll just. I'll just hit the Lord's PayPal down at the church. I'll just venm. Saint Nazareth.
- [46:59]
B
Do what you want to me. You're just speeding up my vacation.
- [47:02]
A
I just believe that anyone who is too passionate about some label that they. That they. I'm just like, I don't know. You left or right? I don't know. Do you. I don't even know what they are anymore. Are you. Are you got, like, anyone that's like, this is my thing. I'm like, I don't know, man. I don't know. That said, I am the Fever's number one fan.
- [47:28]
B
I think you should play.
- [47:30]
A
You think I should play in the wnba? Can you imagine?
- [47:33]
B
And you should. I've seen you out there on the court.
- [47:36]
A
Pat has seen. We have played basket. We have played. We just shot. We've shot around together.
- [47:40]
B
I've also seen some of the highlight reels of people betting on who's going to miss a layup. And it's happening frequently enough in the wnba where someone with actual skills could probably try out. I think you could try out.
- [47:54]
A
Here's what I would say. I would be. I mean, if I was to get into the NBA now, to be clear, I would be so good. Because here's the thing. I am so, like, desperate for a space where trying hard is rewarded. Like, that's my. Like, no one gets to see me trying my hardest. Because in what we do, it's like, you're a try hard. You're a pick me. Why are you so desperate for attention? Like, I love sports because that's when the harder you try them, you can't try too hard. You can never try too hard. And that is my thing.
- [48:32]
B
Yeah. You know, people hate you for making it look easy in sports.
- [48:35]
A
You better fall over the chairs and destroy your elbow to just try to tip it back in and miss. Like, that's what I love. I love trying hard and people not thinking like, you're crazy. Why do you work so hard? Why do you try so hard? Why are you doing so many things? Like, sport basketball was the last time that. That no one talked to me like that.
- [48:56]
B
I think we have the opening shot of our 30 for 30 documentary on Whitney joining the WNBA.
- [49:02]
A
Can you imagine? I. I don't know.
- [49:06]
B
In five minutes, you could have somebody on the phone that can actually set this up.
- [49:12]
A
No. Can you imagine? That would actually be, like, so sick.
- [49:16]
B
We should coordinate a day. Were you just gonna show up to a practice?
- [49:20]
A
It is hard to outshoot me, I'll tell you that.
- [49:22]
B
And just.
- [49:23]
A
Then you'll know.
- [49:24]
B
Then you'll know. You'll know in about 30 minutes.
- [49:27]
A
And you know how I know I do still want to play? So seriously, every time I'm out there shooting alone, I'm like, ah. Because I broke. I did break my shoulder. And I'm like, ah, I gotta. That's the shoulder. Like, I. I'm like. I'm figuring out why it didn't go in. I'm like, ah. Cause I had a pump up the ball in between the shoulder. Like, I can't just be like, I missed. I'm just like, in fix it mode.
- [49:49]
B
Yeah.
- [49:52]
A
Okay. Pat, how's your summer? I forgot to ask. I'm on the edge of my seat.
- [49:58]
B
Horrifying.
- [49:58]
A
That's such a funny answer. It's a hot nightmare, but no, horrifying is the only word left besides, like, awful trash. Like, horrifying. It's like, such a good, like, existential terror. It's still. Do you wake up with. Do you just have ants all over your altar? This is how my summer's going. I have an ant infestation in my home. Oh. Oh, really? And I. I think they want my flesh. They're coming through. I think they're coming out of my mouth. I think they're coming from inside me. Oh, out in the night. Because I've.
- [50:33]
B
Because you're rotten on the inside.
- [50:34]
A
I have covered. I have. Or I have covered every hole in this house. I have put diamaceous earth into every nook, every. Every cranny. The problem is I do exclusively eat cherry pie these days.
- [50:47]
B
And you're just wiping it on surfaces around the house.
- [50:50]
A
I'm always walking around with, like, a crumble cookie, like a Marie Antoinette or something now. So it. It also, I have these energy drinks and coffees I leave everywhere. So they're drinking. What they're. What they are getting is, like, energy drinks. They're all on, like, Logan Paul's energy drink. Like, oh, Pat's here again with the coffee. Like, that's what they're consuming. So they're just, like, so riled up. But yeah, the ant problem has kind of ruined my summer. I got to be honest with you.
- [51:17]
B
I want to look at your diatomaceous earth situation before I leave.
- [51:21]
A
Everyone, look, you did just watch me kill some ants with not an ounce of guilt, not a glimmer of shame or regret. It's like whack a mole. Now, I actually find it kind of, like, fun because they have started biting me. And you know that when ants bite, it's, like, personal. They make the choice to do it. They don't have to. And they've started biting me. They're. They're colluding. I have some yellow jackets that are colluding as well, because, you know, if you go after one yellow jacket, they send the other ones after, you know, Yellow jackets will wait for you. If you go underwater, they wait for you.
- [51:51]
B
Like crows. They. You've been identified by the pack, correct?
- [51:55]
A
They will wait for you. So I am dealing with a yellow jacket situation. I'm dealing with an ant situation. I have a bobcat situation. I've got a lot of. A lot happening over here. And, you know, there is a strong chance that I will be strangling a wild animal with my hands, like, quite soon. That said, we still don't ride elephants, you guys. No, that's where we draw the line. No, no, no. Don't ride elephants, guys. Talk soon.
- [52:28]
B
Sa.