Blood Sports, Human Rabies, and a Ballsy Karen

Summary

Good For You Podcast: "Blood Sports, Human Rabies, and a Ballsy Karen"

Host: Whitney Cummings
Guest/Co-host: Pat Nolan
Release Date: September 14, 2025

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Episode Overview

This week’s episode is a raw and hilarious dive into human nature, public outrage, and the increasingly desperate ways we seek validation in a technology-driven, attention-hungry society. Whitney recaps her recent tour stops, riffs on the weirdness of suburban New York, and delivers a biting analysis of viral “outrage” moments from recent sports events—including fights over hats at tennis matches and a headline-grabbing, foul ball-stealing “Karen” at a Phillies game. Through it all, Whitney blends sharp social commentary with personal anecdotes and plenty of self-deprecating humor, all while reminding listeners that, at our core, humans are deeply flawed—if endlessly entertaining—creatures.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Rituals, Professionalism, and The Artifice of Preparation

• Whitney and Pat open with a tongue-in-cheek look at pre-show "rituals" in podcasting, revealing the chaotic, informal energy of recording days.
  • “My pre-show ritual in podcasting, I, until just now would have said, I don’t have one. I just go. We wing it.” [00:43, Whitney]

2. Tour Reflections: Suburbs vs. The City & Personal Epiphanies

• Whitney recaps her sold-out shows in Connecticut and Huntington, NY, mocking both her own "Memento"-level memory lapses and the bemusement of city friends exploring the suburbs.
  • “The suburbs are now cooler than cities. I said it. I know. Just blew Pat’s mind.” [03:01, Whitney]
• Describes the evolving coolness of suburbs, comparing it to historical explorers, with asides about hosting friends from the city.
• Shares an Airbnb anecdote—a kids' camp doubling as a rental—riffing on inventive capitalism and her suspicion of accidental cults.
• Has a “crystallizing” moment of confidence and self-acceptance after a show:
  • “There’s a point where you go, like, I have no excuse to not be on point… you have to figure out where in the movie you are in your life.” [06:23, Whitney]
• Emphasizes a theme of personal responsibility for one’s trajectory, especially in “act three” of life.

3. Seasonal Shifts, Persona Reboots, and Fall Energy

• Whitney muses on her annual autumnal reset—using each fall as an excuse for a personality overhaul, friend culling, and gift-planning neuroses.
  • “Mommy gets a new personality. Fall is always the opportunity... It’s fall stretch to Christmas. But who are gonna be my friends?” [09:16, Whitney]
• Jokes about her flightiness:
  • “I’m fully on the Jussie Smollett playbook over here. Just like, I will fake my death and go live in Vermont if a cool breeze hits me the wrong way.” [09:29, Whitney]

4. The Myth of Speaking Truth & Outrage Culture

• Sharp critique of America’s “speech warriors”—and the reality that no one is truly afraid to speak their mind (especially at airports, among her own brash relatives, or online):
  • “You’re not insecure. You’re talking about how insecure... You’re on a podcast. You’re not insecure.” [11:00, Whitney]
• Discusses performative concern for issues, mocking social media virtue signaling and cause fatigue.

5. Viral Outrage: Kids, Hats, and Sports Morality

• Whitney unpacks two viral sports videos:
  • A kid at the US Open denied a hat by a player
  • A woman at a Phillies game snatching a foul ball from a family
• Lampoons the “empathy inflation” around such stories, contrasting them with real global crises:
  • “In the real world, humans are scum pigs who do not care if you live or die. And if you do die, to be clear, they will watch videos of it on X. They will not even heart it.” [19:59, Whitney]
• Decries attempts to shield kids from ordinary disappointment:
  • “Thank you for giving my son his superhero origin story. Thank you for giving my child some much needed adversity and a taste of what the real world is actually like.” [23:06, Whitney]
• Draws a through-line from indulgent parenting to a lack of real superheroes:
  • “This is why we have no superheroes anymore. But wait, do you want winners or not?” [24:18, Whitney]

6. The “Ballsy Karen”: Desperation and Clout at Sports Games

• Detailed breakdown and searing analysis of the Phillies “Karen” moment—exploring both the woman’s motives (validation, desperation, possible Ebay ambitions) and society’s rush to shame and meme her.
• Connects this “zombie” energy to broader trends:
  • “This Karen Philly foul ball energy is the new normal. Having something rare or special is the only way to truly know you matter. We’re all Gollum now. Is that the guy with the ring? We’re all Gollum, all right.” [29:28, Whitney]
• Asserts that mass public shaming no longer works as intended—“it actually helps people”—citing high-profile “canceled” celebrities rebounding.
• Sharpest zinger:
  • “Trying to catch a foul ball at a baseball game may be the only viable career plan left at this point.” [31:27, Whitney]

7. Sports as Microcosms of Human Nature

• Wholly unfiltered description of Eagles fans as the “truthers” of American sports fans, spotlighting her own experience at a game where a heckler yells simply:
  • “I hope you die.” [43:38, Played clip]
• Whitney extrapolates—everyone is, deep down, this brutally honest Eagles fan, more interested in their own wins than in community or kindness.
  • “Everyone is an Eagles fan. But instead of rooting for the Eagles, they’re rooting for you to die. Nothing personal, this isn’t bad news. It’s just the truth.” [44:13, Whitney]
• Final warning: Do not get in the way between a person and a thing. Ever. And just know that everyone wants you to die.” [45:07, Whitney]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Viral Outrage:
  • “If this situation happened to my son, I would send the player an edible arrangement. Thank you for giving my child some much needed adversity and a taste of what the real world is actually like.” [23:06, Whitney]
• On Desperation:
  • “This woman, she saw that ball coming and she saw more than a ball. She saw a nursing home. That’s not a YMCA. She saw Medicare Part A. She can now pay someone to put it in her will that her only possession in her life is a baseball from a game and that it will go to her ferret.” [31:27, Whitney]
• On Human Nature:
  • “You can’t make apps where we get to show everyone our thing and then not expect us to elbow a child in the face to get a thing.” [33:50, Whitney]
• Describing Eagles fans:
  • “Going to Eagles games… you get a reality check on what everyone’s inner monologue actually is, on what the future is going to look like. And I hope you die.” [43:38, Clip/Whitney]
• On Outrage Recycling:
  • “Every five years, we will be outraged by a different thing. So none of it truly matters.” [41:47, Whitney]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Comedic intro on preparation rituals: 00:00–01:37
• Tour recap, suburb v. city culture clash: 03:01–04:41
• Autumn personality reboot, social reset: 09:06–10:41
• Social critique: fake caring and truth-telling: 11:00–13:00
• The viral ‘kid didn’t get a hat’ outrage: 19:36–25:05
• Deconstructing the Phillies ‘Karen incident’: 26:17–34:26
• Societal desperation & objects as identity: 29:28–34:26
• Sports, tribalism, and the Eagles fan moment: 43:03–45:07

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Overall Tone & Takeaway

Irreverent, self-aware, and unapologetically dark, Whitney Cummings mines both viral news and her own experiences for humor and truths about the human condition. Her message is clear: our culture’s desperation, need for validation, and performative outrage are all symptoms of a deeper existential malaise—and if you want to survive, don’t get in the way of someone and their “thing.” It’s biting, bleak, but cathartic—reminding listeners that confronting human nature with humor may be the sanest response of all.

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If You Only Remember Three Things:

1. Outrage is the new currency—and everyone’s bankrupt.
2. Human nature hasn’t changed—just our platforms for displaying it.
3. Sports, especially the crowds, are the truest place to spot who we really are: “rabies zombies” with merch.

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Go Birds. Don’t ride elephants. Love you. I hope you don’t die.

Transcript

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, hey, y'. All. I never do this, but I just want to let you know that the Charlie Kirk assassination happened after we shot the podcast this week. So I won't be addressing it in the episode you're about to hear, but I will address it next week at length. I just want to think about it. I don't want to knock out some really quick, undercooked takes on the whole thing. I want some time to process it. And, you know, I'm going to think before I speak. What a concept. Enjoy this week's episode. Love you so much. So much. Hey, y'. All. Pat picked the backdrop for this episode, and is there a way to not see myself on here? Yeah, you know what? Fine. Who care? I'm not gonna. You know what? I have a little mini ritual. People always ask, they're like, what's your, like, pre show ritual? I'm like, I don't have one. I just go out. My pre show ritual in podcasting, I, until just now would have said, I don't have one. I just go. We wing it. I prepare. Do some bulb. I have to sort of pretend I care about something I don't care about.

[Pat Nolan]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, to seem like, make it. I have to solve a fake problem.

[Pat Nolan]

Yeah. Like, you have to score some points.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, hey, is this squishy cord?

[Pat Nolan]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Should we get. Look at this Looked at.

[Pat Nolan]

That was the last thing to do before we get started.

[Whitney Cummings]

I have to, like, pretend I solved a problem. Or, like, pretend, you know, as my ritual is, I have to pretend I have some kind of ritual. I'm like, I can't look at the. Can we turn the thing around? Cuz you know me.

[Pat Nolan]

And we were going to start with that mistake happening.

[Whitney Cummings]

And podcasting is so deeply unprofessional. I have to trick myself into thinking there's a modicum of professionalism at the beginning.

[Pat Nolan]

There's nobody here.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know, I'm like, ah, guys, this is. We gotta. Should I move the baby wipes from off the desk? I'm literally just like, all right. Can you tell that aunt to just hold, Hold. All right, so I just got back from Connecticut and Huntington, New York. Sold out shows. Guys. Thank you for showing up. I did New York. I did Connecticut. I missed the desk again with my elbow. Who did I. I did see some friends, but I don't remember. Here's the thing, Pat, remember the movie Memento?

[Pat Nolan]

No.

[Whitney Cummings]

What? Okay, hold on, Ant. Yes, I am memento guy. There's a reason it is my favorite movie. I remember watching Memento and Being like, so what is. What is this plot of this movie? It's just following a person around. What's. Where's the storyline?

[Pat Nolan]

You have to watch it backwards.

[Whitney Cummings]

No, this is just a person. Like, I think when I watch a regular movie, I'm like, they remember what happened yesterday, so they're just a superhero. What, like, memento. I was like, what's the story?

[Pat Nolan]

Yeah, I relate. Every time I open my eyes, I'm.

[Whitney Cummings]

Suing them for plagiarism. 50 first dates. I was like, what's the. What's so weird about that? Why is she freaking out?

[Pat Nolan]

I have nothing to feel bad about.

[Whitney Cummings]

Zero compunction. Can't remember a thing. Did have a blast, though, in Connecticut and Huntington. Uh, you know, here's the thing, though. Huntington, New York, which is, like, outside of New York, the suburbs are now cooler than cities. I said it. I know. Mm. Just blue Path's mine. I went with Mikey and Jeff. Jeff, who is a writer on Seth Meyers, and both are, like, New Yorkers. You know what I mean? Like, city guys, right? And we're going out to Huntington, New York, and in Connecticut. But this happened. We were driving to Huntington. It's like an hour out and watching. Watching, like, the coolest people ever, like, discover, like, the country is so funny. They were truly, like, who discovered America? Who? I just need to make a metaphor. I'm like Christopher Columbus when he said Leif Erickson. Who is it now? Who did it? Sacagawea. Who? I just need to be able to say, like, they were like, when Columbus discovered Magellan. Magellan. It was like Magellan being like. They were like, look, there's just grass. You could.

[Pat Nolan]

They didn't finish making the town, so.

[Whitney Cummings]

The construction workers just all go home at night and take the scaffolding with them.

[Pat Nolan]

Working on this.

[Whitney Cummings]

Wait, is this the set of the Crucible? But I must say, as much as I was making fun of, like, you know, the hardcore New Yorkers going out to the country, being in New York, I did. New York always does this to me. It's like running into your ex and you're like, should we what? And I think this time it was. I never lived in New York. I was. When I was with someone there, I had a place there. And every now and then it wants to pull you back in. And it was stronger than ever. And I think it's because I have a son and he loves cars so much. This weekend, I'm going to Vancouver. Then I'm gonna go to Norfolk, Virginia. And I hope I Hope all my past frenemies and enemies show up. Richmond. We're in an Airbnb, the middle of Virginia. That's not going to end in something terrible at all. It's also, by the way, how about this? We get this Airbnb in Virginia, and it's going to be, like, a bunch of people coming. And, like, looking closer at the Airbnb, it is a camp. It is also a camp for kids. People are having to be so creative for how to make income. At any point, someone's like, I got a farm. Okay? It's an Airbnb. Get a couple of canoes. This is a camp. So I have no idea what I'm walking into. Like, watching how creative Airbnb people need to be at this point to try to, like, maximize on their investment is getting pretty wild. So I. It is probably a cult. Like, I. I mean, there's no chance it's not some kind of setup cult, but, you know, I'm in the market for one, so maybe this is it. I'm gonna go to Philadelphia. I'm gonna go to Reading. You know what? I'm. I. I'm good. Is this weird? I'm. This is. I had an epiphany where I was, like, on stage and Huntington, and I was like, I'm fun. I'm hilarious. You know, whatever. I think that just. I don't know, something clicked, you know, something crystallized for me. I'm like, okay, I'm a mom now. I'm sober. I'm brunette again. There's a point where you go, like, I have no excuse to not be on point. Like, you can't have, like, dead parents, dead best friend, kid. You like, you.

[Pat Nolan]

After all that, you didn't get your shit together.

[Whitney Cummings]

Act three. Like, you. This is it. You have to figure out where in the movie you are in your life. And we're all. We all act as if it's the end of act one. Like, this is the end of act two. You have to triumph. It's like, what would the person in the movie theater be yelling if they were watching the story of your life? Like, what would they be yelling for you to do? Yeah, right now. They're not going like, oh. They're like, let's go. I have the tiger.

[Pat Nolan]

You're late.

[Whitney Cummings]

The Right. Yeah, yeah. What? They're not like. They're like, she. Wait, she's back in bed again. She. At 2:00pm no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. If you are watching the movie of your own life and pretend It's. What are you yelling at the screen? For me, that's all I'm thinking about now. Like, when I walk towards my bedroom, I just hear voices going, get out of the window. No, no, you're not taking a nap. You have a son downstairs. You can't. You can't sleep this off. You're not that tired. You're just sad. I just had this epiphany. I was like, if not now, when? Imagine. I'm never good. This desk. Here's the thing about this desk. Is it someone watch the movie in my life, the desk move closer, and.

[Pat Nolan]

It'S actually curved in the direction that will help you.

[Whitney Cummings]

No, it's not. It's coming forward. It's curved around in a way that no person's elbo would be able to hit. I had a lot of GMOs as a kid, and this is even wide for me. Imagine if I got sober, lost on my loved ones, and then somehow got less funny. Especially as a comic, you don't get to have more trauma and get less funny and interesting. You know what I'm saying? Like, so I was like. I had this thing where I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is. This is where the rubber hits the road. The whole deal with being funny is you have to keep having adversity. You have to keep. You know. And I see. I always worried. I was like, am I going to get less funny? Like, I have to make sure I stay funny. And, you know, the universe handled it for me. I feel good. I had a. I think there's something when you do something that used to drain you and it doesn't drain you anymore, there's some triumph over it. Like, if you see a friend that is always like, oh, God, this friend. I'm going to have to hear about the ex forever. I'm going to hear about this. And then you see them and, like, it was fun and great, and you're like, whoa. Like, was it me that whole time? Was it them? Did they change it? Who cares? But New York, the last bunch of times I've been there, I'm like, oh, my. I'm exhausted. Like, why do I have mono? Do I have Lyme disease? What is this? I had such a good time. I mean, look, I live in la. Chernobyl is the breath of fresh air. But you know what it is? I got it. I'm a fall guy. It's fall. It's fall. Fall's coming around. And when fall comes around, you know what happens to me? Pat, you Know what happens?

[Pat Nolan]

You get a little frisky in the fall, really, don't you?

[Whitney Cummings]

Is that how you start wearing little.

[Pat Nolan]

Little fur numbers?

[Whitney Cummings]

Excuse me?

[Pat Nolan]

Little furry numbers?

[Whitney Cummings]

I do. Yay.

[Pat Nolan]

Little boots.

[Whitney Cummings]

Well, that's part of it. You know what happens when fall comes around? Mommy gets a new personality. Fall is always the opportunity to just start in my brain. It's like, it's fall stretch to Christmas. It's. It's. But who are going to be my friends? Because I got to start planning Christmas presents. I got to make plans for Christmas. I got to get rid of friends that I don't want in my Christmas photo. It really is back to school. Like, who am I going to be this year? It, like, at school, like, for what fall is. Like, am I goth girl this year? Am I, like, preppy person? Like, I will take any opportunity to completely delete who I have ever been in the past. Like, any big gust of wind or rainstorm will make me leave it all behind and start over. I'm fully on the Jussie Smollett playbook over here. Just like, I will fake my death and go live in Vermont if a cool breeze hits me the wrong way. I'm like, I. I'm. I do. I have silkworms now. I'm a farmer now. Like, that New York, it rained, and it was, like, really windy one day, and I was like, okay, guess I'm moving to Pennsylvania. Like, any opportunity. Like, I will do the damn. I mean, look, I. We all know I'm not gonna, like, leave it all behind, because I am. I'm. I'm a comedian. I'm fighting the good fight for free speech. I'm a hero. I can't just. I can't just walk away. I'm a warrior, the ultimate bastion of truth. I can't just go have a farm.

[Pat Nolan]

Imagine the power vacuum.

[Whitney Cummings]

What would happen. Society would crumble if I stopped telling the truth. Okay. In one of my guest rooms in Topanga. You're the only ones that tell the truth and that speak your mind. It's not. Hang out with my Aunt Melanie for five minutes. Hang out with any of my family members. No one's scared to speak their mind truly anywhere. Go to the information desk at an airport after a flight is canceled. No one out there is afraid of anything, much less speaking their mind. If you come up to me in an airport and go, you're not afraid of anything, then you're not afraid of anything because you. It's like, when people are like, I'm so insecure. I just use it. No, you're not. You're talking about how insecure. You're on a podcast. You're not insecure. I'm just, like, so af anxiety. No, you don't, because you're being so boring. If you have such bad anxiety, why are you sitting here making everybody listen to you talk about your anxiety? There's. That's not. You need more anxiety as far as I'm concerned. We are so backwards in a lot of this thing. It's like the people are afraid to speak their minds. No, it's only, like, university professors and people who work at Hollywood high schools. It's. It's all done. Oh, and by the way, and MTV turns out. Did you see. Did you VMAs. I got so confused because it said they were doing the VMAs and it's. The award is now called the Moon Person. It's not moon man, because I was watching it and this girl was like, and you got a moon person? And I was like, that is so funny that she's doing that. Like, that's so funny. And then I was like, oh, no, that's real. So a couple of years ago, they changed the moon man, which is the pop. The astronaut holding the popcorn, is the VMA award into moon person. I'm the first person to say, like, yeah, doctors don't study migraines because it's mostly women. I'm the first to do that. This is not. No, we don't need to do moon person. Moon man was fine. Moon man was fine. Also, take the win when something's accidentally sexist the other way or empowering. It's a moon man. It should be moon person. The fact that all of these super successful diva women are holding a tiny man is so sexist against men by accident. And you guys had to go, who cares? This is like, when, like, it's not history. It's her story. I'm like, no, it's not. We didn't do any of that. It's like all the wars and all the horrible stuff and the plagues. That's her story. No, it's not. It's his. That's his story. We had nothing to do with that. If it's a moon man and a bunch of these super rich women are holding this little tiny man on the moon that they're eventually just going to put in their bathroom. It's a man on the moon. We already know. This thing is. No woman would say they went to the moon. Like, yeah, okay, I went to the moon. No woman would be able to say it with a straight face. All right, guys, you know. You know that women. You know us. But that never ends. How are you supposed to stay aroused when women are like, but do you love me? Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah. But. But you listen to Joe Rogan. Get out. We'll talk after. Yeah, we'll talk after. Imagine. Look, getting it on is not just about, you know, being ready as a man. It's about staying there. Okay? David Goggins said it best. Okay. Sign up [e-mail], consult with one of their licensed medical providers, and once approved, your prescription ships right to your door. Your wife, your girlfriend, all those girls that think they're your wife or girlfriend will thank you. Everything is done online. No visits to a doctor's office. No awkward conversations, except, can we go again? No waiting in line at the pharmacy. Because what's a bigger, you know, be killer than going to the pharmacy? Blue cheese tablets are made in the usa. Thank the Lord. That makes me want to get it on straight to you in discreet packaging. We've got a special deal for our listeners. Your first month of BlueChew is free. Use promo code Whitney at checkout. Pay only $5 for shipping. Guys, this isn't just about performance. It's about legacy or third Legacy. Go to BlueChew.com for details and safety information. Huge thanks to BlueChew for sponsoring this revolution of whoopee. Hey, y'. All. Now I'm just gonna get to it. If you're using toilet paper, you're a pig. What are you, a pig? Hey, pigs, listen up. Time to finally put a dress on that snout. All right, I have a kid. And before I had a kid, I didn't even know what baby wipes really were. I didn't. I'm dead serious. Or I didn't. Like, I didn't know about wipes. Like, I had heard about. I thought wipes were for, like, guys that cheated. And you, like, had, like, you know, you had to. Just. After the club, you would just wipe down. I didn't know.

[Pat Nolan]

Glitter off.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's shimmer. How dare you. Glitter is a whole other thing. Glitter. That means you've been to a kids party. Oh, no. Okay, so here's the thing. Wipes, for a while, they were. I told you this, that I was staying at a house and someone flushed a wipe and it, like, broke. California. Like, literally. I thought we were gonna go to jail. So. So you can't wipe them. You can't yeah. It's like you can't flush them, is a whole thing. Okay. The point is there's this company called Good Wipes and they make these flushable plant based wipes. They are soft, they're soothing. They're made to actually leave you feeling clean. I use them with my son in the car. When you have a kid, Pat Nolan told me this. It's like, you know when you make a smoothie and forget to put the top on? No, just me. It's truly like that all the time. Like I am just soaking wet with things that only stay wet for like 30 seconds. Right? What's that? Was that milk, Smoothie, Fruit, Blood. Like the things that they're so wet and then two seconds later they're so dry. That's my life now, these wipes, I have them all over the house. They have saved my life and they are 40 bigger and stronger than the average wipe. No tearing. They break down easily. You know what else? You guys didn't even put this in your copy. Good wipes. It's easy to open this thing to get out the thing at the flap.

[Pat Nolan]

You don't take out four when you're trying to take out one dude. So you have to wad it back in and then you try to take one and four come out.

[Whitney Cummings]

Pulling one wipeout in the entire package coming out is just like, guy, can we pull it together please? I am just trying to wipe the tears off my son's mini jeep.

[Pat Nolan]

The people at the company, they're secretly gluing them together so you go through them faster.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, I, I, by the way, solid theory. That is something my dad would totally be like. Yeah, they have a guy there whose only job is to glue together the wipes. Yeah, I love them. They smell good and they're not like too wet. They're not too, they don't dry really quick. Whatever it is, they figured it out. We live in a time where they figured this out. A lot of things they have not figured out yet. Calf implants. Haven't these wipes figured it out? Aloe, chamomile, vitamin D. Safe for sensitive skin. You can pick up good wipes at Target, Walmart, Kroger, really just about anywhere. And right now they're giving away free wipes. All you have to do is buy a pack head to goodwipes.com Whitney, text them your receipt and you're going to get reimbursed. Goodwipes.com Whitney, try them for free. Don't be dumb. We need this week on the Podcast to do a refresher course. This conversation is actually a perfect segue because everyone is confused about what everybody cares about. And because there's so much fake caring on social media, we're all putting our best foot forward of like, look, I care about. I can't. I've muted everyone that does this, so I can't think of any causes. But this is. The sunscreen's bad for you. I care. So we gotta take it off the shelves. We gotta. Did you know we are starting to get confused about human nature? So this is gonna be. Da, da, da, da. An episode. This is a refresher course on. On human nature. I have been sensing some naive, naive, naive thoughts creeping back into everyone's psyche. And frankly, I'm worried about you. I'm worried about you and you and you and you. I'm worried about all y'. All. There's every now and then something happens that exposes how deeply naive we all are, which is confusing because all of our narratives is like, everyone is so mean. And this psychopath. Everyone's a psychopath. Now. Let's just. We just throw that. Everyone's a psychopath. No one cares about anything. It's. We care too much. We're naive. It's the opposite. All right, I don't know what this is. I don't know what this recent wave of delusional magical thinking is. I don't know if it's Taylor Swift getting engaged or all the videos online of, like, raccoons becoming friends with elephants or. We're starting to get the Lulu over here, and we're all having a little bit of amnesia around human nature. And your number one MVP mom is here to remind you about how in the real world. Okay, listen carefully. Listen very, very carefully. In the real world, humans are scum pigs who do not care if you live or die. And if you do die, to be clear, they will watch videos of it on X. They will not even heart it. I have been getting texted videos of many sports games of sports I don't even watch. So I'm already annoyed that I have to address this at all. Tennis and baseball videos. That was. That was. That was what we all want. Tennis and baseball. Okay, one video is. And I didn't. I wasn't even gonna address this, but it got sent to me so much and. People, what's your take? What's your take? One is a video of a guy who, at some tennis match, the kid didn't get the hat. There was a hat. The. The thing didn't get it. And then in Philly, the lady took the foul ball. Okay? These are kind of the main.

[Pat Nolan]

She gave him a little talking to. Also. I saw.

[Whitney Cummings]

Let me be clear, okay? A kid didn't get a hat. Okay, I. I get. I get it. The kid. Did you see this? This poor kid. You have to watch this video. And I was like, oh, no. Did they finally get crystal clear footage of the kids mining the electric car batteries in the cobalt mines? Did they get proof? What's this video that everyone's talking about about this poor kid? Is it a thirsty child in Flint, Michigan, trying to choose between quenching his thirst with the lethal water or passing away due to dehydration? Is it a starving child in any country? Because they're at all of them now. No, I watched it 15 times. People like, get it. And I'm like, what's the problem here? They're like, well, the kid wanted a hat and he didn't get it. So the kid that's in the, I guess, VIP section getting autographs from the player at the US Open. And you're. First of all, is anyone go to school, like, a school still open? So he's. During the week at the open, that's.

[Pat Nolan]

Like 500 school lunches. So to go to that thing.

[Whitney Cummings]

So we're in an existential crisis, all right? We've gone numb. We've gone numb to children making our clothes that cost $3 that you can truly get the day you ordered it. You can get it today. Monogrammed with your name on it. You know it was made today, okay? Chemicals in our food, fine breast milk, frankly, chock full of Roundup. But when a rich kid at a tennis match can't get a hat, this is not the time to break out the empathy, right? People are like, well, what. What if it was your son who. The hat that wasn't even his that he had for 10 seconds was taken from him. What if that happened to you? If this situation happened to my son, I would send the player an edible arrangement. I'd be like, thank you for giving my son his superhero origin story. Thank you for giving my child some much needed adversity and a taste of what the real world is actually like. Thank you, sir, for building character and my child so that I don't have to wait in my car outside the house and pretend to not come home on time so that he can not become a coddled, entitled brat because otherwise I have to sit in my car and ignore him. And what am I gonna do? Thank You. What is. What is this thing where we all need to get between kids and their superhero origin stories? This is why we have no superheroes anymore. But wait, do you want winners or not? The people who built great things in America, they worked in factories as kids. The great entrepreneurs of today. Their parents were drug addicts in the 70s and had the audacity to. To call it being a hit, caring about music and art. They had the audacity to try to pretend it was about a music festival. Woodstock, all these 70s, which is. It's. We're forward thinking. You're scum. You're dirty scum, though, if that you. Oh, this Woodstock hippie thing where it's like, if you were. No, it's like, we're. It's free love. We're empowering women. Then how come none of them are sober? And then their kids had to go, wait a minute. Why do I have so many siblings I've never met? Oh, but dad just loves music. He saw the Grateful Dead live, so I'm not allowed to think he was a deadbeat. I don't like when people try to make sleeping around seem progressive so they can cheat. If you're gonna lure women into, like, a music festival or, like, a movement so that you can cheat, don't do it in the mud. Can you just do it at a hotel or something? Somewhere near a wet wipe, please? Honestly, seeing this video of the U.S. open, which, you know, at tennis. I can't, I can't. It's just like, I can't, I can't, I can't. I like watching, like, the clips of it when the girls win or when someone wins. I like it, but it's just like, you're literally. Your head is just truly saying, like, no. Like, that's your. I, now that I've seen this video, will start going to games until someone does this to my son.

[Pat Nolan]

I think for $1,500, Shaq will skip your child in the autograph line.

[Whitney Cummings]

Dude, that is an incredible business. Not even, like. Like, learn right away not to put people on a pedestal. Can I pay you to disappoint my son? Please? People go, good news. The kid that didn't get the hat, okay, that he never had, that wasn't his. That would have made him an entitled monster. He would have gone to school and been like, I got a hat from the US that kid was going to get knocked out the next day at school. To be honest, this saved. Probably saved his life. And some CTE was a good news. The tennis Company, whatever. They gave him a goodie bag. So the kid who had the money to go to a tennis match, who, by the way, was with his dad. Dad was there. How bad was the BLM money? Mismanaged. That this is something we feel comfortable caring about publicly, but also it's fake. Do you notice like now that when people bring up something that's getting a lot of traction on the Internet, they sort of bring it up like trepidatiously to sort of see what your take is before they commit one way. But they are ready to go either direction based on where you are. Like, so something like, did you see the. The kid at the baseball game? You know, they're like sussing it out. They're like, they're like floating it.

[Pat Nolan]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

To see. And like, is that disgusting? What happened? And I'm like, huh? What do you mean? What is it? And like, they're just looking to fish for some kind of like, good person points or morality points or something. Like, did you see the kid at the US Open? Have you seen your kid in four years? What is this for? What are we doing? What, What. What is this? Morality small talk? Did you say the kid with the hat? It's disgusting. Now I have to look up what you're talking about just to say you're not the person you think you are. Now you're dragging me into your self dilute. Now I have to go. Like, I have to give you. What is it? Go. You're right. You are good.

[Pat Nolan]

You have to validate.

[Whitney Cummings]

No one gets points for caring about kids. Even if it was traumatizing to the kid. It goes without saying that you think that's wrong. The same people pretending to be outraged about this are the people that start fights on planes. I'm just telling you all you need to. You need to understand. Any ostensible empathy that you see at this point is just to get points so those people can gear up for their next attack. They're just storing up the reserves of good person morality fuel so that they can then go do something awful defending a boy who didn't get a hat. It's like a safe retweet before posting about how Caitlin Clark should be put down because she's a bad example for women. Like, it's like people use these safe things to sort of inoculate themselves from their actual, like, terrible thoughts and ideas. Like, give a white boy his hat back. Also, American Eagle is racist. Like, wait, what? What if the Internet found out the hat the kid didn't get was an American Eagle hat. They'd be like, give us the hat, and we're gonna make Sydney Sweeney eat it and swallow it. She should have to eat the hat on a live feed until she chokes to death. Like so. Then for whatever reason, now it's in the zeitgeist that at sports games people are, you know, being wild with taking things that kids want. It seems to just be like the Phillies fan. You saw the Phillies fan. The woman that took the foul ball.

[Pat Nolan]

I did see that.

[Whitney Cummings]

The ball comes, the guy gets it. The woman comes and gets it. And you know what? Thank God. Thank you, ma'. Am. We all needed this reminder that this is who everyone is at their core. This woman's knee jerk reaction was to fight with a man and his son over a baseball. Temu Rachel Maddow. Yes. She's a monster. Fine. I need to prepare you that this video of this woman losing her mind over a foul ball. The rage in her eyes of how badly she needed that ball. When you could easily buy a ball on Amazon, put it on your shelf, grab a Sharpie, tell people it was a foul ball, put some dirt on it, rub it on grass. This is where we decide we need something real. She dyes her hair seven different colors and has fake glasses. But this is where she needs the thing to be real. You need to wrap your head around the fact that that energy that you saw, that zombie Patagonia sail rack woman who's very serious about her marathons, who confronts you. This woman. This is the woman that confronts you if you don't wipe down your machine at the gym. Energy. This is the new normal. This is the new normal. Her eye. Her eyes were those of a person with no meaning, no purpose, no future, nothing. Nobody cares about her. I'm not trying to be mean. I am just saying this is a preview of what is to come. This is the pre. This is a human zombie. This is the default energy of every human in like two or three months. I am. We are in a society where the delusion that we matter is quickly fading away. We can no longer trick ourselves into thinking we matter in any capacity. AI can do our jobs. Robots are coming. You waited in line for a labubu for four hours only to find out it was fake. If this woman doesn't get a foul ball at the Phillies game, she truly does not exist. And she's right. She doesn't. This. This. This Karen Philly foul ball energy is the new normal. Having something rare or special is the only way to truly know that you matter. We're all Gollum now. Is that the guy with the ring? We're all Gollum all right. With what is happening with the economy, honestly, this woman, this. This ball might have been her last shot.

[Pat Nolan]

Run of the mill homer.

[Whitney Cummings]

Any kind of a run of the mill homer? Is that what it was?

[Pat Nolan]

It wasn't like the career ending record breaking home run in the World Series, just a run of the mill weekend homer. No big whoop.

[Whitney Cummings]

But this is when you have to understand you're trying to get between a lion in a carcass. When you come between something rare and valuable in someone meaningless. That is the biggest danger we face at this moment is being in the crosshairs of that. Honestly, she was probably angling for a semblance of retirement. She worked as a school administrator. Give this woman the ball. The ball on this ball on ebay is this woman's only chance of having a coffin that's made of real wood at her funeral. Trying to catch a foul ball at a baseball game may be the only viable career plan left at this point.

[Pat Nolan]

The irony is that she made it a thousand times more valuable by not getting it.

[Whitney Cummings]

She still wins. Now she has a patreon about how she was wronged and she'll make who the dad? What was he gonna do? Put it on a mantle for his son to look at? He and his friends would be like, cool. Then in a week they would. His son swallows the ball for a TikTok challenge. The kid shouldn't have the ball, okay? This woman, she saw that ball coming and she saw more than a ball. She saw. She saw a nursing home. That's not a ymca. She saw Medicare Part A. She saw an executor of her will. She can now pay someone to put it in her will that her only possession in her life is a baseball from a game and that it will go to her ferret. You don't understand the level of desperation that we are about to witness, even even at America's pastime on a Desperation is about to escalate to a level unseen by even the most sober Burning man. Dj. A baseball being snatched out of the hand of a child is truly just the beginning of what we are about to witness as a society. You can't make people spit in a tube so they can finally find their family and then sell the data and use it to take their health insurance without things getting a little squirrely. You can't make apps that connect lonely people. FaceTime, WhatsApp, emoji, whatever, and then capitalize on our loneliness and need to feel special by building corporations that will then erase our individuality and confirm how deeply unspecial we are. You can't do that with someone. Some kind of consequence in transforming the very people that you are mining all of this from. You're turning me to zombies. You can't make apps where we get to show our thing. Here's my thing. My thing. Clack, click, clack. Here's my thing. You can't make apps where we show everyone our thing and then not expect us to elbow a child in the face to get a thing. Here's my Stanley Cup. Here's my Pokemon card. Here's my pumpkin spice latte. I have the thing everyone wants. I have the thing everyone wants. And this must mean I'm not profoundly alone in society. You can't make us rely on holding up the thing and then expect people to not rip out a child's hair in order to get the thing. Peak tulip mania. We're here. We've become so expendable that something that is one of one is so worth fighting for, worth being publicly shamed for, worth destroying your reputation for. In order to have a reputation, you have to exist in the first place. So she can't have a reputation.

[Pat Nolan]

She wasn't lucky. She was special.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't know anything about. I don't know how baseball works exactly. I don't. I don't know why there. Why they're. They're not. I don't know why this is even allowed and why the dad shouldn't be put in jail because of how dangerous it is to have baseballs flying into the stand at kids. But should kids even be allowed at baseball games? I mean, isn't it a bunch of balls just flying into the.

[Pat Nolan]

Well, part of the fun is when the batter swings the bat, you don't know where the ball's going to go.

[Whitney Cummings]

The irony is that this woman saw how famous she was the next day. Infamous. Fine. All over the news and her react. We're like, pig monster. She's like, oh, my God. I, I do. I. I do exist. There's no downside to publicly shaming someone and ruining their reputation. If they're not a someone and don't have a reputation, they're like, we're going to punish her. Let's fire her from her job. She's like, sick. I don't have to put on a bulletproof vest every morning to go into the school that I work at, where I get paid ten grand a year. Like what are. Also, by the way, you know me. Nothing more refreshing than to see someone that works at a school not like kids. I think we seen a couple too many female teachers who like their students a little too much. Seems like. Seems like most teachers at this point would be like, oh, no, that's your ball, big boy. You can have it. Oh, that's from me to you. Like, I'm glad she's like, give me the ball, you punk. Like, that's the energy you want of a woman and a young boy. We don't see that enough these days. I feel like we need to get used to this. We need to get used to extreme desperation. We need to stop expecting mass humiliation to be a deterrent for everyone. Mass shaming. It used to work okay. It's. But it's over. It actually helps people. Louis C.K. funnier than ever. Massive world tour. Huda from Love Island. She's literally on the board of mental health organizations now. Armie hammers like a dad influencer. I don't. I. Russell Brand's, like, gonna run for president and win. Like, look, should this woman be put down? Yes. But also, I think we need to just be grateful that we have now seen you. You're gonna have to see this one way or the other. You were gonna have to see that. This is the beginning of the actual Hunger Games. People are trying to go. Karen energy. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Karen's were calling the cops in parks. Karen's didn't know they were on camera. Okay, Karen's were. I want to talk to a manager. They were not ripping something out of a child's hand. They. They. The dad. Did you see the dad? The dad was like. The dad flinched back.

[Pat Nolan]

You thought he was going to get punched in the face.

[Whitney Cummings]

If a Karen comes at you, you're like this. You roll your eyes. This man was scared for his physical safety. You're. This is not Karen. This is not a Karen.

[Pat Nolan]

You're right. So the Karens that don't know they're being filmed, they. They have a turning point. When they realize they're being filmed, then they either double down or they storm off. But this lady knew that there were nationally televised cameras all over the place.

[Whitney Cummings]

But, like, did she. Did she. Like, did she. I don't know how that all works.

[Pat Nolan]

You know she's at a major league.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, but it's hard to get on the Jumbotron. Oh, no. But the idea that that woman in any capacity ever thought that she would be on the Jumbotron all The cameras follow the ball.

[Pat Nolan]

They're all following the ball. And the ball that came from the game that everyone in the country is watching that afternoon went right into her world, and then she decided to go after a kid.

[Whitney Cummings]

I guess what I'm saying is, like, you know, we talk a lot about rabies and animals, but humans, we have desperation. Rabies, and there's no ability. It's. Oh, it's. It's out of the lab. If someone is. If you see someone and you don't go, I've seen you on that thing. They will do whatever it takes to make sure they become special. It might not be today, might not be tomorrow, but right now, because it is life or death to have something other people want. Money isn't valuable anymore. Money's not over. Money is done. Being rich isn't impressive. You need a dinosaur tooth, a foul ball. Matt Rife just bought a haunted house, and I'm on his side about this. Listen, being publicly shamed, it's. It's not bad. It's not. It's not bad anymore. Jumbotron public shamings. These can continue. They will work somewhat, but it's not. It. It's not doing what you think it's doing. 150 years ago, humans would hang people first thing in the morning and. And other humans would go watch it, like, on a fir. Like on a first date. Like, do you want to go watch the hanging human nature? Like, that was not that long ago that we'd see a death in person as, like, entertainment. Okay? And then another thing I will say is, hey, baseball, can you get it together that fights in the crowd are the most entertaining part of your game? I mean, can we just.

[Pat Nolan]

It's the Coldplay situation.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm start. I'm starting to worry that this is getting intentional. All right. What is going on with baseball that I only know what's happening when there's a fight in the stand. Like, can. I don't know what we need to do. I know that Angel Reese.

[Pat Nolan]

Sports are really into the sideshow.

[Whitney Cummings]

Angel Reese has got in trouble for saying we need younger players on the team. I don't know what's going on, but, like, America's pastime is baseball, okay? America, we're about getting attention, and baseball's not getting attention. So this is no longer America's pastime, okay? This is. It's not. We gotta. We gotta do something to make it interesting. I don't know if we need to start throwing green phallic objects. I don't know what it is, but you guys need to step it up, okay? Because the only time I hear about baseball is when there's some kind of, like, child abuse going on, okay? They know that baseball is so boring that filming the kind of person that would go to a baseball game, they're so much. We just know something crazy is going to happen because they're at a baseball game. So maybe that's why they keep it boring, because, like, those wild people are going to show up to this. And then they also gave the kid, of course, they gave him presents afterwards because he didn't get the foul ball. They're like, thank you for making our ratings go up. Thank you for letting us exploit you. So I also think this video is kind of funny because last thing I'll say on it is, like, I love that every five years, this video will have a different takeaway. Like, 10 years ago, the video of this woman taking the ball from the kid would be like, look, let the woman. Come on, women. Let the woman get nothing. She's a fan. She showed up. They should give the woman the ball. That was disgusting that he tried to take her ball, right? Today we're like, this. Karen tried to take the child's ball. In, like, five years, we'll be like, they filmed this child without his consent. And then in, like, 15 years, we'll be like, they made this camera film this child without the camera's consent. And then they'll be like, this ball never agreed to be taken by the.

[Pat Nolan]

Cowhide on that ball.

[Whitney Cummings]

So just know, every five years, we will be outraged by a different thing. So none of it truly matters.

[Pat Nolan]

Friend, just let her run over there.

[Whitney Cummings]

Also, this woman is. I'll just say she's a star. That's the other thing. You can't. You would literally cast Melissa McCarthy to play this woman in a movie, and she'd be your favorite character of all time. Like, we've decided in our heads that, like, all the characters we see in movies aren't based on real people. Like, this is Jane lynch in your favorite TV show. Also, this is truly the least insane thing I've witnessed at a Philadelphia sports game. Like, this is. I was like, look at them. Look at those manners. At a Phillies game. I went to the NFL season opener. I will end the show on this video. Because if you won't take my word for it, you will see again another example of human nature at its finest. I do think we have to. Okay, so as an Eagles fan, you have to understand, Eagles fans are known as the most it is a microcosm of what is to come. You don't have to. You know, as we say as Eagles fans, we say we don't care. That's literally the slogan. We don't care. We don't care if you like us. We don't. We don't care. Which is they don't care. So you can hate them, fine. But it is the best way to see what is ahead, right? To just see what you're in for. 28 days later. Was that the movie where everyone was a zombie that.

[Pat Nolan]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

So I am going to play a video for you that I took at the Eagles game. This is a man who saw a Dallas fan, Eagles and Dallas famous rivals. And there was a Dallas fan in the front, and then two rows behind was an Eagles fan and he was taunting the Dallas fan. And this is the first time I've seen someone tell the truth and truly, it might be the first time I've ever, I think, seen an honest person say what they mean and mean what they say. And here it is. I hope you die.

[Pat Nolan]

I hope you die.

[Whitney Cummings]

Again. Going to Eagles games are not only are you cheering for watching a good game, watching a great team, you do get a reality check on what everyone's inner monologue actually is, on what the future is going to look like. And I hope you die. He didn't say it like, as a. He was just like, I. I hope you die. Like, he's just like, I'm just going to let you know I'm. I'm going to give you the respect of telling you this even if you're not a Eagles fan per se. Everyone is an Eagles fan. Does that make sense? Even if you're not wearing an Eagles jersey, even you're not cheering, everyone is deep down an Eagles fan. But instead of rooting for the Eagles, they're rooting for you to die. Nothing personal, this isn't bad news. It's just the truth. And you know, we'll our way out of this. This is why we collect things that can't die. Things. Baseballs, Labubus, Stanley Cups. Just know this is. It's. I find it refreshing. Everyone wants you out of the way so they can get their thing, they can get their foul ball. They. You're in the way. So just as you move forward, just know you're in there. Even people that say they love you, you are in their way. Even if it's of them trying to love you. This is the new normal. No need to be outraged. Just familiarize yourself, get very comfortable that this rabid zombie lady at the Phillies game is everyone. She just. She just slipped that day. She's still a better person than anyone who runs a charity.

[Pat Nolan]

You want to dig up some dirt on this lady? Find a charity.

[Whitney Cummings]

She's still a better person than anyone we give our taxes to to protect us and our kids. She's the best person I saw that day on social media. At least she wasn't pretending. Yes. At least she wasn' lying about it. When I see someone act like this, I'm like, thank you for just doing what anyone else would have done or thought would have thought to do. Just remember, do not get in the way between a person and a thing. Ever. And just know that everyone wants you to die. Sports games are important. They remind us who we really are at our core. And no matter how many Brene Brown quotes we all post, we are still rabies zombies. Go. Birds don't ride. Elephants love you. I hope you don't die. Just to be clear. Miss you already. Sam.