← Good For You with Whitney Cummings
Good For You with Whitney Cummings
Brigette Macron and Bill Belichick should just Wife-Swap and Whitney’s Great News
00:42:36
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- [00:00]
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- [00:59]
Whitney Cummings
Hey everyone. Back again. Back again. Me again. This weekend I will be in Lexington, Kentucky, at the Lexington Opera House singing opera. May 3rd, I'll be in Indianapolis, Indiana, at the Egyptian Room. I don't think we can say that. Chattanooga. I'm going to be there on May 9 and May 10, I'll be in Knoxville. I'm going to be in Las Vegas, Nevada on May 25, this time at the Palazzo Theater. Once I saw a woman throw up in her hand and hold it the whole show. Also, one time a woman left her kid with me who was 7, so I and I didn't call child Services. That's on me. July 18, I'm gonna be in Winnipeg, Canada. August 9, Halifax. August 24, Calgary. September 5, I'll be in Ridgefield the day after my birthday. September 6, I'll be in Huntington. September 12, Vancouver, Canada, the National in Norfolk, Virginia, on September 20. October 3, I'll be in Ontario. I'll be in Baltimore. Then I'm coming to Fayetteville, Arkansas, Hot Springs and then reading Pennsylv and then Philadelphia on November 22nd. Then Fort Lauderdale and New Orleans. New Orleans, Narrance. Now this Bridget Macron thing, it's starting to hit my Instagram feed, like main feed and Discover page. So I'm like, let's go. All right. A couple of weeks ago, Tim Dillon was supposed to come on this podcast. We rearranged everything, okay, move my entire day to make it happen. And he canceled. And instead he did a podcast with Candace Owens about the President of France's wife allegedly being a man. And I've never been so happy that someone canceled plans on me. I'm excited that other people are talking about this because I'm not gonna be the first person out front talking about any wild things anymore. I already said on CNN that it's weird the two presidents chefs are six feet under. It's. Google it. I didn't come up with that myself. All right, I just. I got to chill on the wild theories for a bit because I did have blue hair during the pandemic. People already think I'm unhinged, so I have to wait till it hits people's algorithms who don't think we're in a simulation, and then I can start joking about it. Okay, so now that Tim Dillon kind of took the bullet, I will hide behind him because he's gay, and gay men owe me. So, Candace Owens, who everyone has feelings about. Fine, fine, fine. Did a deep dive into the president of France's wife, Bridget Macron. I don't know how possibly being a man and might allegedly be the French president's uncle. I'm so in. First of all, I do blame all of this rigmarole on the Game of Thrones prequel not being done sooner. You guys can't take this long. We want. And we want it now. All right? We don't want news anymore. Okay? We don't. We need porn. All right, There's a category on for stepsister and stepbrother. Our brains are gone, and incest is the only thing that makes us feel alive anymore. So here's the difference. I'm never surprised by anything. I'm. I'm only surprised. I'm actually only surprised when something isn't a scam or a cover up or a lie. Like, that's. That's how I see the world, right? Like, when I meet someone who's like, hey, you're winning. Cummings. Thank you for donating to the. You donated to this animal charity. I rescued a dog. And the money you donated covered the leg surgery. I'm like, wait, that got there. The people who said they were going to do the right thing did the right thing when no one was watching. Like, am I dead? Like, I'm stunned. Oh, my God. I just thought I was, like, going to get a tax write off and maybe helping these people pay off their mortgage. Like these criminals. I don't. When something. When a plane, when I get to the gate and it takes off on time, I'm like, what? Like, that's what blows my Mind.
- [04:35]
Pat
When the plane lands and people start clapping, I'm like, give, Stop. Give it a rest. This is what's supposed to happen. Like, I do think it's a miracle that it happened, but, like, I don't know. There's something that irks me about it.
- [04:48]
Whitney Cummings
That the applause isn't for you winning a trophy at the X Games.
- [04:51]
Pat
I'm like, I didn't do it, guys.
- [04:53]
Whitney Cummings
I couldn't do it. I could have landed that. Yeah.
- [04:56]
Pat
I'm one of the 50%. Is it 50?
- [04:59]
Whitney Cummings
Half say they could land a plane if they needed to. My guess is it's more than that. Truly in their bones, growing. Every day, it's growing. Pat, do you think you could land a plane if you. I always feel like people are focused on the wrong things. Is that dyslexia is that I just see the world? I feel like a little bit in an inverse. What?
- [05:20]
Pat
It's comedian brain.
- [05:21]
Whitney Cummings
Comedian brain. Fine. The fact that this person may or may not be a man, like, well, fine, fine. We'll get to that. What we do know is true for sure is that the president of France was 14 when they met. She was his high school drama teacher. She was 40. I don't care if the man. Woman. I don't. This is. I love that in America. What would get you sent to jail in France makes you the president's wife. This is riveting to me. Okay. She was his drama teacher. Why does no one care about. No one's focusing on this part. Tell me if I'm, like, in the weeds too much here. Drama teach. Should we let anyone run a country if they were in an acting class or married to someone who teaches acting? He's just running a country with someone who knows how to coach people to be good liars. Who cares the gender? He basically hired an acting coach to be with him at all times while he's running a country. No one thinks that's weird. Like, okay, so this is how they first connected. They were writing a play together when he was 15. Also the worst part of this whole story. This is the worst, most offensive, egregious. This woman has three kids at the time. She's writing a play with him on Friday nights. I have one kid. I can hardly get this podcast out on time. All right, she's writing a play with a teenage boy. What in the. Woody Allen. First of all, we don't need more plays. We have enough bad plays. Honestly, at this point, when someone is running for office in any country, I do believe the main qualification is that you were never arrogant enough to think you could write a play. You can't run a country if you think people want to go see a play. People can't afford eggs. The meteor's coming. AI is making us obsolete. Let's cool it with the monologues until the grid goes back up. Shall we? What? But I guess that's part of what makes you want to be pre. Is you want to be in control. I guess if at that age you're already trying to control what people say. Because a play is basically you have your own little country where you can make people do what you want. Right. I do think that there's ways to make people respect you that are not just nukes and this and that. Bridget. Maybe being a man is so much less weird than her being his teacher. He was 29 when he married her. She was 15. D. Other countries are like, I don't know, man. I wouldn't with this guy. This guy means it. He plays for keeps. This guy is scared of nothing.
- [07:59]
Pat
Each thing that I find out about this is crazier than the last thing I found out.
- [08:04]
Whitney Cummings
He was 29, married her when she was 50. And you think your boyfriend doesn't want kids? This is a man who was. Who was just like, no kids at all costs. Which is fine. It's fine. But should you run a country if you're a man who doesn't want any kids and obviously have mommy issues? I don't. It feels a woman that doesn't want kids. That makes sense. It's hard. It hurts mentally. It hurts physically. When a man doesn't want kids. It's like, you don't have to do anything. What's weirder to you that he's with a man pretending to be a woman? Isn't it actually more shocking that he's just with a seven year old woman?
- [08:42]
Pat
For sure.
- [08:45]
Whitney Cummings
Isn't that the most shocking for sure? A man. You're like, oh, that's his homie. And like he just wanted him in there with him.
- [08:52]
Pat
But like, that would make all the sense in the world.
- [08:54]
Whitney Cummings
Although I do think being 40, running a country with a 7 year old wife does make him a better leader. He's actually super qualified to address the issues in the medical system since he's probably at the doctor all the time. Like, he knows. He's like, this building needs a ramp. This museum's not wheelchair accessible. This pothole is dangerous. You could break a hip driving over. Like, he's actually. This is why they have such a.
- [09:18]
Pat
Good Health, driving over it.
- [09:20]
Whitney Cummings
This is why they have such good health care. Like, I mean, it's kind of amazing. Like, people who run the world are weird. And I feel like we are not wrapping our head around this or anyone who wants to run a country is not right in the head. And we have to stay. Stop holding them to the same standard. It's not normal to go. You know who should run this whole place? This guy. Like, it's not a normal. That's not a normal person. Okay? So the same kid who's 14 who's like, that's my wife over there. And the teacher came in and was like, do what I say. And he was like, will you marry me? That's not a normal person. You're supposed to hate your teacher. You're supposed to hate your teacher. It's not normal to think that you can run a country, okay? But you have. But you have to think in order to run the country that the rules don't apply to you. You can't care, okay? You can't have shame. You can't get embarrassed. To be fair, no one really messes with France. Other countries. Like, this guy has his eye on the ball, might be balls. That's not even what I care about. His wife's 70. He's not getting in the office all day. This guy, he was banging his teacher at 15. The man is not afraid of death. He looks it in the eye every morning. There's nothing more power than a man who is not distracted by hoes, all right? World leaders know that. And the French people elected this guy. They were like, that's my guy, 15, dating his 40 year old teacher. Yes, we love this guy like, we love this guy. I didn't really respect France until now. Now that I found out about all this. If you gotta marry your uncle because you wanna be the president of a country, that's just smart, all right? You're in there, you're like, I don't know what I'm doing. Can we get a wig on my uncle? Because I just need a smart, loyal guy I can trust helping me behind the scenes. I can't marry a woman because she's gonna see that I need my uncle's help on everything and I don't know what I'm doing. So she's gonna stop being attracted to me and she's gonna want to have sex. And I don't get turned on by women. I get turned on my power. And we don't have bluechew in France. If you want to be the president. It's not about what your wife was born as. There are a lot of people, like, why would he want to be with a woman so much older? First of all, see, that's not that I'm not on board with you, okay? Older women know how wieners work. We do all the things that Girls in their 20s do, but better, faster, and with our eyes open. So let's just. We know why. All right? Was she born a man? Ah, does that even matter? But also, if. If, if born a man, I'm into it. I love to see a country that is still operating how they did back in, like, medieval times, where nations did what they had to do to get the job done, to maintain their hubris. A country who still values the family unit, who understands that blood is blood and that you put your country before your gender. Back in the glory days when the men were men and the women were also men. Put a wig on and get it done. This guy's trying to get on a coin. This guy's not trying to get. Dude, like, these aren't.
- [12:16]
Pat
These are different motivational levels. They don't. The Venn diagrams do not. Yours and his don't enter.
- [12:26]
Whitney Cummings
We're not. You can't begin to get in someone's head that is, like, no one has good ideas but me. And I would know the megalomania of, like, I want to marry my teacher. The only thing more powerful as a man than sleeping with every hot 25 year old is sleeping with one 70 year old forever. Like, damn if she's secretly his uncle. Good, good, good. Good for taking the government seriously and knowing that this guy needed to be surrounded by family and there was work to be done. Italians have the godfather, France has the uncle. It's fine. I have an uncle, okay? I don't know what I would do without him. If I, for some reason, became the president tomorrow, I'd be like, mark, look, not attracted to you in any way. And I know this is weird, but we do need to photoshop some documents and get married. I need some help in here. They keep talking about tort reform. The more. The more they talk about it, the more confused I am. Like, I would need help, but I could only do it with someone whose family. You know, there's a point when you get in that level of power where it just. Family is the only option for who you can date. You guys know I'm obsessed with hu. It's this, like, full meal drink that, you know, I can't eat. I only eat, like, pie. These days I'm like all over the place with what I eat. I don't know what to eat. I'm baffled. Am I wrong? Hu has been a game changer. It's in my drink fridge downstairs now. Huel's ready to drink. Black edition is complete. It's a complete meal. Okay? 25 grams of protein, 27 essential vitamins, minerals and 0 added sugar. Perfect for people on the go like me who are trying to eat healthier without committing to a full on meal prep. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing it. Okay? We're not doing this. High protein plant based. Made with ingredients like flaxseed, coconut and green tea extract. Designed to give you energy, fullness and actual nutrients, not just filler. People ask me why I look good. I do. Yesterday someone said body ody ody when I was walking in my car.
- [14:18]
Pat
They did.
- [14:18]
Whitney Cummings
Thank you, Huell. Mm, mm mm mm. Yep, Legend. It's great for breakfast between meetings and I do it after workouts anyway. Go to huel.com whitney use code whitney to get 15 off your first order plus a free gift. That's for new customers with orders over 75. Don't be dumb. Do it. This episode is sponsored by Squarespace, your one stop platform for building your online presence. Whether you're launching a business, selling merch or showing off your portfolio. Squarespace. It makes it easy with professional. Is it templates or templates?
- [14:52]
Pat
Templates.
- [14:53]
Whitney Cummings
Templates.
- [14:55]
Pat
That's how you would say it if you were a human being.
- [14:57]
Whitney Cummings
Templates. Do you say crayon or crown? Crown.
- [15:00]
Pat
I used to say crown.
- [15:02]
Whitney Cummings
Me too.
- [15:02]
Pat
Now I say crayon.
- [15:03]
Whitney Cummings
Crayon.
- [15:04]
Pat
Crayon.
- [15:04]
Whitney Cummings
Crayon.
- [15:05]
Pat
It's like cray in we'd say crown. Crayon.
- [15:09]
Whitney Cummings
Okay, because I'm a princess.
- [15:10]
Pat
Go the crayons.
- [15:12]
Whitney Cummings
Squarespace also has SEO tools and even AI powered thing. I. Oh man. It's an adjective, not a noun. And Squarespace, it even has an AI powered site building thing to help you get your vision online faster. Because you can't wait to be a mogul. There's no time. The meteor is coming. You can sell physical and digital products. You can schedule appointments, take donations, and even start a newsletter all in one place. So whether it's a legitimate business or a scam, they've got your back. And if you're a content creator, their member areas feature lets you lock content behind a paywall, offer subscriptions and sell exclusive access to your work. What are you waiting for? Quit your job and start your thing. Go to swear Space.com Whitney for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use code Whitney to get 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain. I just feel like we're so naive. Like, we left England, right? Like the old dusty ass monarchy. They're like, we're not gonna do jewelry on our heads. Like, you know, we came to America where, you know, we're going to be fair. We're not going to marry family members. We're not going to wear jewelry on our heads. We're going to have integrity and just take donations from corporations. We're America to become president. We go to Austin and we prank call Tom Segura's mom. Like adults, okay? We talk about our sex addiction on Marc Maron's podcast sponsored by DraftKings. We're free. All the stuff that everyone seems so shocked about right now is just the fact that today the stuff we watch on, like, HBO show, like, still could be happening. Like, we have no idea what the top, top people. We just don't know. And I think a lot of the top, top people don't even know what they do. I, I think, I think, I feel like if you, you become president, you become that. You get there and your first question is, like, you guys, am I real? Like, I know I just won this thing, but, like, is this even a. Am I real? Am I mascot? Like, I'm just curious. Like, am I going to get like, you know, normal people don't want to run countries, so whatever's in place that makes a country run all the things.
- [17:16]
Pat
You campaigned on, you can't even do.
- [17:19]
Whitney Cummings
You can't even do. These aren't even things.
- [17:22]
Pat
How would we power the Navy?
- [17:24]
Whitney Cummings
You just took money from Goldman Sachs. We can't. Like, are you insane?
- [17:27]
Pat
We need coal. Are you like, we can't. What the.
- [17:30]
Whitney Cummings
When a new person comes into power, it's like they're like, oh, yeah, you're Mickey Mouse at Disneyland. You're Mickey Mouse that everyone wants to see you and you're the star of the show. But, like, we can't trust a person who want to be the president to be the president. Just get to your cute little term where you think you're the president.
- [17:45]
Pat
The prom king and queen don't then go on to run the school. Like, actually, now you're. You're the vice principal.
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Whitney Cummings
The class president doesn't decide curriculum.
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Pat
Yeah, yeah.
- [17:59]
Whitney Cummings
The class president doesn't, like, change parking spots or like, they make posters, manage donations.
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Pat
They make posters with glue sticks.
- [18:07]
Whitney Cummings
Once Emmanuel Macron got into the French presidency. They were like, yeah, dude, we can't let you make decisions. You, like, married your drama teacher. This is like. This is like you're ill. But we like it. We like it. Russia thinks twice before messing with us. They don't know how to blackmail you. Usually we get all these blackmail things in, but not with you. Because the most embarrassing thing someone could do, you just did it publicly.
- [18:28]
Pat
You led with your.
- [18:30]
Whitney Cummings
You can't ruin someone if they don't have any secrets, okay? And they can't kidnap your kids because you don't have any and you don't want any. They can't hurt your mom. You already destroyed her by dating your teacher. There's nothing you got. There's. No one's got anything on you, man. Even if we released a sex tape of you and your wife, no one would watch it because it's too gross. Okay? No one. And the scariest part is that if you're watching the sex tape, you might stumble upon you two in bed writing a play about how no one understands you. I mean, dating an older woman is smart. She can't tweet about you. She's not going to post online about you. She can't Photoshop.
- [19:09]
Pat
It's kind of a life hack, has a flip phone.
- [19:12]
Whitney Cummings
Another reason I love this story so much is because I'm always reading news through the lens of where did all the time we saved go? Yeah, you know, because we don't. We don't run errands the way we used to as a species. We got apps, right, to do everything online. We save 10 hours a week of driving around doing all that stuff. In other countries, they probably use this time to, you know, start hobbies, grow a farm. In America, we exclude exclusively use all of this freed up time to try and figure out who is secretly a man. And it is just so funny. I mean, look, there is an argument to be made that presidents of countries, frankly, should not be able to have wives that are biological women, quite frankly, especially hot ones that know nothing about the government. That's crazier to me, you know, like presidents have. When I first saw this couple, I was like, he's serious about what he does. There's nukes and death cults out there at large. You can't just be getting your hog all day in a palace. This is serious. Look, behind every great man might just actually be his missing uncle dressed as a woman so that the president can actually focus on what needs to be done. I looked into the metrics of France, dude. Annual economic growth, 1.2% a year. Whatever they're doing is working. Yep. Okay. Their school lunches have kiwis. Did you know that? Oh, their lunches have blueberries. And vending machines are natural fruit juices, not sodas. This is the kind of healthy food you get in airports and vending machines. And amazing, conscientious, you know, initiatives about longevity is when the president's wife is going to die any minute, when he's trying to keep his wife alive. These are the kind of bills that get passed. Did you know if you have a kid in France, they send you a baby nurse, you get, like, two years off work. Qua. If the president needs to marry his uncle in a wig, who cares? This is winner mentality, dude. The head of countries can't just marry random women. That's how we got Meghan Markle. You can't have both. You can't be annoyed about Meghan Markle and then be like, why is he with some woman that might be a man who, you know, loved a sonnet. Bridget Macron doesn't have a show where she makes us watch her pretend to make jam. And that's kind of all I ask for at this point from my first lady, people. It's just weird. I love France. Like, this is. I'm into this. I like France more now that I have seen this. I'm just saying they can get away with a lot. I like when you do crazy stuff. This is like a Robert Greene thing. Be crazy and unpredictable. You get away with more because people just, like, expect it from you. This is our problem in America. We're like, we are moral and have our shit together. It's just like, it's not working. France is like the Florida of Europe. If this story was any other country, we'd be making, like, documentaries about it. But we're like, it's France. It's. They eat snails and frogs. They smoke inside like that. You want to. That's what you want to be. You want to do. You want to make a mistake. And they go, that's Whitney. Gotta love her France. Like, that's. That's what we should be striving for. We're striving for perfection all the time. You want to strive for, like, yeah, good for him. He gave us something to talk about. When you give people something to talk about, you can get away with so much more. And if this is the thing they're using as a distraction, what's actually going on over there, guys? Everyone keeps talking about how amazing my skin has been looking lately. That is because I use a silk pillowcase. If you're still sleeping on cotton, this isn't in the copy, but you are a fool.
- [22:52]
Pat
Neanderthal.
- [22:53]
Whitney Cummings
Is that Neanderthal? Isn't it Neanderthal?
- [22:55]
Pat
No, that's just not.
- [22:56]
Whitney Cummings
Okay, Blissey. Silk pillowcases are made from 100% myrtle mulberry silk, which helps reduce frizz. The one day my hair is frizzy. Okay, the one. Has my hair been frizzy at all? This is.
- [23:08]
Pat
Yeah, but I took her pillow last night.
- [23:10]
Whitney Cummings
You did? You always take my pillow.
- [23:13]
Pat
So she had mine because I'm the Neanderthal she stole.
- [23:15]
Whitney Cummings
Talking about, look, these are hypoallergenic, naturally cooling and gentle on your skin and hair. It's not a gimmick. Legit luxury with benefits. Dermatologists, stylists, celebrities all recommend Blissey for better sleep, better skin. People ask me all the time. They're like, why do you have such good skin? I'm like, because I sleep on a silk pillowcase, you silly goose. Easy to pack. I take it with me on the road. Also great for your hair. You don't wake up, you know, looking. Do you have another fictional monster?
- [23:42]
Pat
Large Marge.
- [23:42]
Whitney Cummings
Large Marge? Who's that?
- [23:44]
Pat
That's from Peewee's Big Adventure.
- [23:45]
Whitney Cummings
Fat shaming on YouTube.
- [23:47]
Pat
Large Mars was the truck driver.
- [23:49]
Whitney Cummings
Oh. Is this offensive? No.
- [23:52]
Pat
Large Marge, she.
- [23:53]
Whitney Cummings
She can take it. Okay. Silk pillowcases do it. Change your life. I promise. Because life is already aging, you don't let your pillow too. You can try Blissey risk free with a 60 night guarantee and get 30% off. Go to blissey.com Whitney Use code Whitney at checkout. Game Changer. It's Game Changer. Speaking of products that really work that you're just allowing your pillowcase to use. I am obsessed with One Skin. I've talked about this brand before. It's skincare for aging, which, as you can tell, I'm not because I use One Skin. It's skincare that targets aging and the root cause, having a boyfriend. I'm kidding. Cellular senescence. Senescence, okay. Those stubborn cells that stop working and make your skin look older. They're unacceptable. This. This company draws a hard boundary between you and the senescence. What?
- [24:48]
Pat
Sir, that's very healthy.
- [24:49]
Whitney Cummings
I know. Their topical supplements, powered by their proprietary OS01 peptide, are designed to improve skin strength, hydration, and elasticity. Look, I, by the way, do not get Botox. I look amazing. Am I wrong?
- [25:05]
Pat
Phenomenal.
- [25:05]
Whitney Cummings
It's kind of weird. Okay, you know who doesn't use this? Brigitte Macron. The point is, this is not just a moisturizer. It's a skin longevity science. And it works on the face, the neck, the body. Look at me. Look. I'm wearing a deep V today to show off how youthful I am. I don't. I don't even want to show this. We might get flagged for pedophilia. I look so young. This is clinically proven dermatologist tested, fragrance free, backed by 15 years of research. That's real research, not a scam. Get 15% off your order when you use Code Whitney at checkout. Go to Oneskin Co and see the difference. Free for yourself or just look at me in the face. I just. I just feel like we're always focused on the wrong. If you really want to be mad at France, I feel like we need to revisit the fact that they just like, let Notre Dame burn down. Why am I the only person still defending what kind of alcoholic pigs let that happen? The same people that allowed Notre Dame to burn down are not going to notice if this woman's a man or a woman or they don't know how old anyone California would have been able to put that fire out. That's how long they took. I don't even care about this place. It just pissed me off. My favorite part about this is that we all kind of overlooked it because we were all too busy patting ourselves on the back for not being ageist. Like, I remember seeing them as a couple and being like, huh, good for him. Wow. And good for me for thinking this is can work and isn't a crime. I was like, good for France. This is okay. It is also such a testament that I truly don't know what women look like when they don't get Botox. I was like, maybe this she's. Is that. Maybe that's just a 45 year old woman now. I don't know. I didn't realize how much older she was. We're so off on what aging even looks like at this point on a woman. I was like, yeah, I think they're the same age. Bridget is not very feminine, which is why I assume she is is a woman. Like if she's a man pretending to be a woman, she's not even really trying to sell it. She holds her purse like it's a bowling ball. Like it's hilarious.
- [27:12]
Pat
Yeah, she's about to send it to the end zone.
- [27:15]
Whitney Cummings
No, no, she holds a purse like, like you'd hold the collar of a dog who's trying to attack someone. She's like, I just feel like if she was born a man, she'd at least, like, you know, throw on a shoulder pad or, you know, be like. I mean, like, honey, your face is on stamps. Would it kill you to arch your back a little? Like, it's like the whole thing now of the hiding in plain sight. This is what we all keep missing, right? We're like, oh, no. Diddy's done all these award shows saying he has these parties with Justin Bieber, who's 15. But if they're saying it, they're not actually doing it. If it was, the uncle was like, yeah, I'll just put a wig on and call it a day. And I was like, well, you got it. Kind of like, nah, if I try too hard, they'll think I'm a man. What? It's like my thing about the Denver airport. Everyone's like, there's the bunkers in the Denver airport, and that's where the.
- [28:01]
Pat
But it's like, they're not going to be there.
- [28:03]
Whitney Cummings
But they put all the alien stuff there, and that's where they are. It's like, no, no.
- [28:07]
Pat
Why would they do that?
- [28:08]
Whitney Cummings
If they put all the stuff there, saying, this is where we have the bunkers, then it's going to be somewhere else. Like in Florida. Right?
- [28:14]
Pat
Don't tell people where the bunkers are. But that would be wounded.
- [28:17]
Whitney Cummings
Do you think they're under Denver Airport? No, no, they'd be in Tampa.
- [28:22]
Pat
I love.
- [28:23]
Whitney Cummings
Where do you think they'd be?
- [28:24]
Pat
Where do I think they'd be?
- [28:25]
Whitney Cummings
Like, they wouldn't be there, Right?
- [28:27]
Pat
Yeah.
- [28:28]
Whitney Cummings
Pat? Yeah.
- [28:30]
Pat
They put the city giant horse with the glowing red eyes to distract you. But I bet he's pointing in the direction of where they are.
- [28:38]
Whitney Cummings
They're going, this is where the bunkers are. Which means the bunkers are somewhere else, right? Wrong. They're there. Game theory. Do you know what I'm saying?
- [28:47]
Pat
Oh, the double back.
- [28:48]
Whitney Cummings
They're there. They're there.
- [28:50]
Pat
I mean, they're also in the Greenbrier, but.
- [28:52]
Whitney Cummings
The Greenbrier. Yeah. Well, that was a secret forever. But in 1991, they. They revealed it. That the Greenbrier had the bunkers underneath.
- [28:58]
Pat
Means that there's another spot.
- [29:01]
Whitney Cummings
Or not. We've started to give psychopaths too much credit because we assume they try to cover it up, Right? But they don't need to because they're psychopaths.
- [29:12]
Pat
We don't have a key to the bunker. They do but we're going to get in.
- [29:16]
Whitney Cummings
If I lied, I just pretend I did. They just go, yeah, we're not even. We don't even. We don't care if, you know, we're just going to tell you what we're doing to your face. And we can still do. We don't need to lie to you. We're going to get away with it.
- [29:30]
Pat
Right.
- [29:30]
Whitney Cummings
We're not going to walk on eggshells to make you think something else. Yeah.
- [29:34]
Pat
You're not getting in the bunker.
- [29:35]
Whitney Cummings
Yeah. We'll just kill you. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Exactly. The bunkers are right here, and you'll never have access to it. Look, if you are going to be the president of a country, who you marry is a business decision. And I think we all need to be thinking like this. Okay? I appreciate a country who takes things so seriously, they just bring in the most talented person, regardless of gender, and then they make them be the gender they need to be. They'll figure out the gender later. All right. How is this different than Putin? You know Putin has doubles, right? That. That's way wilder. In Poland, the president in 2010 was shot down in a plane by Russia. They threw in his twin brother to take his place for four years. You gotta do what you gotta do, even if it's the plot of a 90s movie starring Robin Williams. You gotta. You know, in Iceland, they eat horse meat. That's just. We don't know we're not the same as all these people. In Spain, people get impaled by bulls once a year. It's never gone well. They still do it. We can't begin to understand the minds of other. Like, in Japan, guys date pillows. Like, I just. Everyone's got their thing. The fact that we're obsessed with this is so wild to me, because we're obsessed with age. This is. For some reason. I don't know if it's because we're living longer. So we actually have the luxury to be obsessed with age. And people are actually getting to this age and able to still function and walk and talk. I don't know, but it feels like the new frontier is age. And someone sent me. The thing about. Did you see the Bill Belichick thing? Bill Belichick and his girlfriend. So his girlfriend's like, 24, he's 73. Fine. Why are we mad? Because a billionaire finally picked a brunette? This is progress where I come from. All right, who. Who cares? Like what? Like, they're like, why is she dating this older man, who's she going to date? A guy her age? Some 24 year old dude who eats edibles all day who's going to cheat on her at senior Frogs in Tampa after a Theo Vaughn show? Like, what options do you have at this point to date guys in their twenties who are all in ice baths yelling stay hard on their twitch stream? Like, why not? Why can't younger girls date older men? I mean, half of all the guys in their 20s think we're in a simulation. I don't want to date a guy who cheats and is like, yeah, that was, wasn't even real. I just want to date a man that's at the age where they think I'm real.
- [31:50]
Pat
Thank God you're dating me.
- [31:51]
Whitney Cummings
That's all I ask. There is a video going around where Bill Belichick's being interviewed and the interviewer asks how they met and she's just like, we're not answering that, but I'll do you one better. Always missing the point. Why are they doing an interview at all? Yeah, is football even off?
- [32:11]
Pat
Who gives a shit?
- [32:11]
Whitney Cummings
I don't need to hear about a coach's dating life. This is a man who wanted to yell at other men about how to throw a ball. We already know he's dedicated his life to it. Also, what options does he have? An old football coach has to date someone in their 20s because no woman over that age wants to hear about football. No grown woman his age is gonna want to hear about his day. Oh, really? Did your 20 year old quarterback sprain his ankle? Sorry I'm not more empathetic. I can't remember my kids names. Like they don't. I don't have time to be mad at Bill Belichick. I'm too mad at Anthony Kiedis. I can't take on Bill. All right? She's also, by the way, not on the beach with Birkin bags and just spending his money. She is in the trenches in those interviews. Like a stage mom, just micromanaging. A man who needs truly no help with anything. I get it, dude. When I was in my 20s, I wanted to caretake older men. I was like, daddy, Daddy, is there a man who doesn't need help, who has assistance in healthcare and a house he owns, who I can try and rescue, who has no problems? I'll just make some problems and solve them so he thinks he needs me. Like that's what they do. Fine. We all did that in our 20s. A man in his 70s who has money dating a woman in her 20s is the most normal thing we have going for us right now. It is the only thing that makes me think there's some sort of sanity being restored. Getting through even a day of your life from here on out without being blindsided by something insane is over. This is. This is it. We got to grow up. We got to accept reality. Nothing normal will ever happen again. Yeah, yeah. 25 year old girl. They're dating rich guys, okay? That's the only job AI can't take. Eggs are $20. There's no way to own a home unless you marry someone with osteoporosis. Yeah, we're marrying our teachers. We met when we were 14 and they were 40. Yes, we are doing this. We're selling photos of our feet to pay for basic dental care. We are going to space to promote our tour. We kind of don't even care that Kanye and Jeffree star had an affair. That story just came and went. It wasn't even enough for us. We literally now run on adrenaline and gossip. We are now the people that watched White Lotus and were bored. A girl got bit by a snake and then murdered. Season was slow. Murder is slow for us now. It's over. Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively, they're acting like nothing happened. Amber Heard's in Spain making movies. Nothing to see here. Mel Gibson has 15 movies in production. We are, we are talking about antisemitism on a daily basis and no one is reposting. Mel Gibson pulled over drunk on the PCH yelling about Jews. We don't even old hat. If you need to feel something, by the way, I do highly recommend you listen to Mel Gibson yelling at his girlfriend about Lakers tickets. I think it's important. I do believe that is the moment that incels were created. Mel Gibson stud Braveheart done dirty by his Russian girlfriend. Teen boys were like, if this is what happens to Mel, what chance do any of us? It was a very pivotal time.
- [35:23]
Pat
I understand.
- [35:24]
Whitney Cummings
You know, I mean, he's got, he's got front row Lakers tickets. He played warriors in movies. He's got. It's what women want. Classic. Can't even get his lady to respect him. And then they started, you know, building sex robots. It was like literally at the same listening to Mel Gibson psychologically crumble on that voicemail was the broken man cry heard all around the world to trust no bitch ever. Like, I literally think Emmanuel Macron listened to that and was like, I gotta just marry my teacher. Like, I can't. I'm not gonna go out there. I think that is why he married her in the first place. These all connect. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. I mean, look, Mel Gibson did pick a woman from the scariest country on the planet who historically does not respect America at all. He picked a woman from the country who beat us at hockey and made it their whole personality. But still, like, fame is just. You know what I mean? Fame doesn't end well for anyone. We all have proof of this. But all we want is fame. We're back. Everything's backwards land now, right? R. Kelly is singing birthday messages from jail. If someone doesn't get this for me for my birthday, I will move to England with Ellen and Rosie O'Donnell, and I will join their talk show, complaining about how hard it is to live in Montecito and how triggering it is for employees to not, like, getting yelled at. Like, I will do it. Okay? Nothing can make us feel anything anymore. We are so numb. We are so hard up for joy. At this point, we have to compartmentalize and prioritize nostalgia and have R. Kelly sing us happy birthday from prison. We're so jaded at this point. Honestly, it takes R. Kelly calling us to even get us to answer the phone. I haven't answered the phone when someone called me in. Truly, four years. It would take. I know it would.
- [37:04]
Pat
It's insane.
- [37:05]
Whitney Cummings
We're gone mentally. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, the woman, she. It rang, and they're like, it's R. Kelly. And she's like. It's just. Yeah. Is she Bridget McCrott a man? Probably. Fine. What next? Is he a woman yet? Who knows?
- [37:21]
Pat
Sure.
- [37:22]
Whitney Cummings
Fine.
- [37:22]
Pat
The answer is sure.
- [37:23]
Whitney Cummings
What are we doing?
- [37:25]
Pat
That's a man. Sure.
- [37:27]
Whitney Cummings
Woman.
- [37:28]
Pat
Sure.
- [37:28]
Whitney Cummings
Yeah. Let's just all be adults about this, and let's stop pretending to be outraged by anything. All right, Leaders, they're going to lead, and they're going to do what they need to do based on a set of rules that nobody knows. We don't know what they're up to. We don't know. Look, I don't want to be negative, okay? That's not. That's what podcasting has become. I want to be, from now on, a bright light in the world champion. Okay, I've decided we're gonna start a new segment on the show. We're gonna end with it every week. It's called Great News. Great News. The closing moments of this week's 60 Minutes. The host insulted Paramount for not creating a space for real journalism. Great news. Now we can cancel another streaming service. We forgot we subscribed to good news. Luigi Maglione pleading not guilty. Now we. Yes, we, yes, we can find him attractive without shame.
- [38:27]
Pat
I love pleading not guilty. I fight it.
- [38:32]
Whitney Cummings
It's such a power move. It's so cool.
- [38:35]
Pat
They know you did it, but you're.
- [38:36]
Whitney Cummings
Just like, no, I didn't. I didn't talk about it for six months on tv. That's literally what every guy that looks like him in his 20s does when you're like, were you out with your ex last night? No. No, I wasn't. No, I didn't me out.
- [38:54]
Pat
I love that. Luigi's just gonna go, like, prove it. Like, I'm gonna make you work for it. Also, like, I'm not just gonna give it to you.
- [39:03]
Whitney Cummings
The Internet's kind of on my side. Good luck. Just prove it.
- [39:06]
Pat
You have to prove it without a doubt that it was me.
- [39:09]
Whitney Cummings
He's just waiting till everything by, like, default is AI. How do we know he didn't have a heart attack before I shot him?
- [39:18]
Pat
Yeah, AI says he shot himself.
- [39:23]
Whitney Cummings
I don't know.
- [39:23]
Pat
Check out this video.
- [39:24]
Whitney Cummings
I don't know. He's like, I got an entire Alcatraz full of prisoners who will kill your entire family. They're on my side.
- [39:33]
Pat
Catch me if you can't.
- [39:36]
Whitney Cummings
More great news. People are debating if 100 men could beat one gorilla in a fight. Why is this good news, you ask? This feels like it's a real curve downward in evolution. No, no, because 100 men haven't been dumb enough to actually try it yet. This is great news. There has been no TikTok challenge of, like, the Duke lacrosse team kidnapping a gorilla and doing it. I think that's a win. Great news. The New Jersey wildfires weren't caused by global warming. It was just a 19 year old kid.
- [40:07]
Pat
I could have told you that. I didn't even know there were wildfires, but I could have told you that.
- [40:12]
Whitney Cummings
New Jersey's full of those kids. 19 year olds aren't useless. They can start fires.
- [40:17]
Pat
They love starting fires.
- [40:18]
Whitney Cummings
This is great news.
- [40:19]
Pat
That's all they ever did.
- [40:20]
Whitney Cummings
Great news. No politicians were on the COVID of Vogue this month. You know, the small things, you gotta just really train our brains. This is like a gratitude list. It's like doing a big gratitude list. Okay, great news. Japan invented a plastic that disappears and it's good for the ocean. I don't. I mean, after the cool. After the Fukushima thing, it's the least they could do. But, like, the plastic thing could be over. We could. This is good.
- [40:45]
Pat
This is great.
- [40:46]
Whitney Cummings
They think they invented a plastic that disappears. I don't know. Disappears?
- [40:49]
Pat
In Japan.
- [40:50]
Whitney Cummings
Yeah, Love Japan. It disappears into, like, other dimensions. Like. Okay, fine. Oh, it's a vortex aliens problem now. Yeah. Good news. Blake Lively is the time Person of the year. This is great news. This is proof messy women can just keep going.
- [41:08]
Pat
Is that real?
- [41:09]
Whitney Cummings
I gave up for a while. You don't. This gives me hope that half the world can hate you and you can just keep going. For a female comedian, this is a big deal. This is big. You guys, great news. This is great news. Being delusional pays off. Woman of the year. All right, y'all, so you know that sometimes we have to cut stuff out for YouTube because we get in trouble and we're naughty. So if you go over to my of profile, there is the uncensored version there. Thanks so much. We didn't say good. Don't ride elephants.
- [41:47]
Pat
Be a doll, be a doll, be a doll. And don't ride elephants.
- [41:51]
Whitney Cummings
All right, we did talk about Bridget Macron for an entire hour. That's wild.
- [41:55]
Pat
That's sick.
- [41:57]
Whitney Cummings
Oh, but don't ride elephants. We can change that. Outro.
- [42:21]
Pat
Slot.