COLD BLOODED CHEATING | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 299

Summary

Podcast Summary: "COLD BLOODED CHEATING" | EP 299 of Good For You with Whitney Cummings

Release Date: July 27, 2025

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Introduction

In Episode 299 of Good For You, comedian Whitney Cummings engages in a candid and humorous conversation with fellow comedian Bert Kreischer. The focus centers around a high-profile public affair between a CEO and an HR woman at a Coldplay concert, delving into societal perceptions of leadership, morality, and personal accountability.

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The CEO and HR Woman Affair at Coldplay Concert

Whitney initiates the discussion by referencing a scandal involving a CEO and an HR professional caught in a romantic entanglement during a Coldplay concert. Bert expresses his skepticism about the event's setting, questioning why someone affluent would choose a Coldplay concert, describing the atmosphere as "boring" compared to more exclusive corporate affairs.

Bert Kreischer [00:02]: "The energy is so boring at a Coldplay concert that a corporate affair is actually a highlight at the event."

Whitney humorously critiques the couple's behavior, highlighting the public nature of their cheating and the consequent internet frenzy. She remarks on society's obsession with such scandals, drawing parallels to her own experiences growing up in an alcoholic household.

Whitney Cummings [00:28]: "I can't process something for, like, a. Because I don't care about the event as much as I care about the reaction to the event."

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Psychopathy Among CEOs: A Societal Reflection

A significant portion of the conversation delves into the notion that CEOs may inherently lack empathy, with Whitney referencing a study claiming that 1 out of 5 CEOs exhibit psychopathic traits. She offers a satirical take on the motivations behind such studies, suggesting that the very act of researching empathy in humans is a psychopathic endeavor.

Whitney Cummings [02:44]: "That's the other thing is we all give people leeway to be scumbags. We work actually cool with you being a dirtball..."

Bert joins in, questioning how to reduce the perceived rate of psychopathy among CEOs, to which Whitney responds with sarcastic commentary on the flawed study's funding and intentions.

Whitney Cummings [06:02]: "Some CEOs have feelings. This can't be right. Okay, we're going to have to fire this researcher immediately."

The duo critiques the ethical implications of leaders who prioritize personal desires over professional responsibilities, emphasizing the lack of genuine empathy in high-powered individuals.

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Human Resources and Corporate Morality

The conversation shifts to the role of Human Resources (HR) in maintaining workplace ethics. Whitney satirizes HR professionals, suggesting that their positions often place them in morally ambiguous roles where they oversee the misconduct of their superiors.

Whitney Cummings [26:10]: "HR person. You know you are. You know me and my. I like to just boil it down. Hey, HR person. You know you are. You're a rubber necker. That is the coldest insult."

They explore the idea that HR departments, especially those intertwined with top executives, may inadvertently enable unethical behavior by protecting powerful individuals rather than enforcing accountability.

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Symbolism of Accessories: Bracelets and Necklaces as Character Indicators

Whitney humorously dissects the significance of excessive accessories, particularly bracelets and necklaces, in revealing a person's character and intentions. She argues that such adornments often signal attention-seeking behavior and a lack of commitment to personal or professional standards.

Whitney Cummings [16:20]: "The next thing is giant water bottles...you need attention when you're not talking."

This segment serves as a metaphor for deeper societal observations about superficial judgments and the tendency to make substantial assumptions based on minor physical attributes.

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Surveillance and Privacy: Embracing Transparency

In an unexpected twist, Whitney discusses the concept of surveillance, advocating for complete transparency as a means to curb unethical behavior. She juxtaposes societal fears of being constantly monitored with the potential benefits of such oversight in preventing misconduct.

Whitney Cummings [24:00]: "If it means that this man will never go on a date again, I guess I'm pro-surveillance."

Her stance sparks a debate on the balance between privacy and accountability, questioning whether increased monitoring could lead to a more honest and less deceitful society.

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Mental Health and Workplace Stress

Touching upon mental health, Whitney underscores the rising concerns related to workplace-induced stress, especially in the context of remote work setups. She emphasizes the importance of small, actionable steps to improve mental well-being, such as spending time outdoors and seeking therapy.

Whitney Cummings [15:30]: "Therapy can help with all of this. Better Help is the world's largest online therapy platform..."

This segment highlights the podcast's ongoing commitment to addressing relevant societal issues beyond the primary topic of discussion.

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Conclusion: Reflecting on Modern Relationships and Morality

As the episode wraps up, Whitney and Bert reflect on the broader implications of public scandals and the evolving dynamics of modern relationships. They ponder the factors that lead individuals to betray publicly and the societal tolerance for such behavior among the powerful.

Whitney Cummings [42:01]: "She is going to nibble your backside. I think that's all guys see."

The hosts conclude by reiterating the necessity for personal integrity and the challenges of maintaining ethical standards in high-pressure environments.

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Notable Quotes

• Bert Kreischer [00:02]: "The energy is so boring at a Coldplay concert that a corporate affair is actually a highlight at the event."

• Whitney Cummings [02:44]: "That's the other thing is we all give people leeway to be scumbags. We work actually cool with you being a dirtball..."

• Whitney Cummings [06:02]: "Some CEOs have feelings. This can't be right. Okay, we're going to have to fire this researcher immediately."

• Whitney Cummings [24:00]: "If it means that this man will never go on a date again, I guess I'm pro-surveillance."

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Final Thoughts

Episode 299 of Good For You offers a blend of sharp humor and insightful commentary on contemporary issues related to leadership ethics, workplace dynamics, and societal values. Whitney Cummings and Bert Kreischer provide listeners with both laughter and food for thought, challenging conventional perspectives while entertaining with their trademark comedic flair.

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For more engaging discussions and interviews, subscribe to Good For You on YouTube: Good For You with Whitney Cummings.

Transcript

[Whitney Cummings]

What do you think I'm going to talk about today? You know me.

[Bert Kreischer]

I hope you're going to talk about the. The Coldplay concert.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I hope you talk about the fact that this person obviously could have afforded to go to a better concert. They have all the money in the world. Why do they go to that concert? The energy is so boring at a Coldplay concert that a. A corporate affair is actually a highlight at the event. There's 25,000 people there in a band playing on stage.

[Whitney Cummings]

And the most interesting, he's like, he knows you guys. This next song is not a banger. What are you guys up to?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but he didn't even busted, right?

[Whitney Cummings]

But he didn't even know it was affair. He was like a kind of a dorky couple, frankly, is more interesting to them. Okay, so the Internet has been, like, consumed by the CEO and the HR woman going to the Coldplay concert. I. It is starting to die down. I know, but you know me, I can't process something for, like, a. Because I don't care about the event as much as I care about the reaction to the event. It's called growing up in an alcoholic home. Google. And I just love spending time reflecting on, like, what it means that us as a society, you know, did this and got obsessed with this now that, like, the adrenaline rush has subsided. And I think part of the reason people are so obsessed with this CEO HR affair is because it was so, so reckless. It was so delusional. This dude was just cheating in public. Like, I assume all CEOs cheat. That's the other thing is we all give people leeway to be scumbags. We work actually cool with you being a dirt ball, but, like, don't you do it on your own time and then feel bad and be keeping secrets to the point to where it eats you alive and then you get cancer and that do that. Why are you dragging us into it? Like, the sheer audacity of doing this in public, I think is what's fascinating us, because right now we're all in it. We're all at a point where we're realizing, like, people in power, people with money. These aren't geniuses. These aren't visionaries. These are people who are emotionally five years old with severe neurological disfigurement, and they're in charge. I think we're all kind of like, going, oh, wait, like, psychopaths rule the war. Like, psych. Like, these are like, psychopaths that think that the rules don't apply to them. Like, first of all, this is what I keep hearing. It's like, all in my feed, where people like 1 out of 5 CEOs are psychopaths. First of all, the person that funded this study is obviously a psychopath, because only a psychopath would be like, all right, you know, we should study humans and their level of empathy. Okay, I just. Can we do a study to see what empathy looks like? Because I'm not. I'm not clear.

[Bert Kreischer]

How do we get the number down from five out of five to one out of five?

[Whitney Cummings]

Totally, totally. But like, this is someone who's like, I need to figure out what empathy looks like. Can we get a bunch of humans and put them behind a glass wall so I can study their. Like, I want to experiment on humans in order to find out how to be human. That's what these people are doing. So. But for sure, this psychopath who funded the study and was hoping it was going to be five out of five CEOs were psychopaths. Like, I think this person was just trying to get, like, confirmation. He needed this study to be like, hey, you know, everything's got a price. You see what it says. We did the studies on it. He needed this study to be everything.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's a winner. To win.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, that's it. Like, he needed some kind of scientific proof. He's like, you know, being powerful and rich, it's going to lack a little in the empathy department. But look what I did for the mosquitoes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Kind of crack a few, but.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, but have you been bit my mosquito in Dubai recently? No, you haven't. Do you know what I mean? Like, ah, Like, I can't make an app that tracks your period if I'm just worried about you all the time, you know? So this is a study that some rich dork needed to have done so he could be like, babe, I mean, yeah, sure, I forgot your birthday, but do you have a Birkin bag or do you have a Birkin bag? See? And look, I got you the crocodile one because I have no empathy. Otherwise you would have gotten the vegan leather one. Now your friends wouldn't be jealous. You like that I don't have empathy, okay? I'm frankly turned on by the thought of the alligator skin being torn off to make you, you know, a bag to hold your pills in. If you want a CEO, you gotta put up with the thing all of us lack. This is our thing. All of us. Are you in space or are you not? Will you have inner ear issues for the rest of your life? Because of the pressure up here. Yes, you will. But do you need to hear anything? No, you don't. You won't understand it anyway, because you're a mere suggestion of a human to me. Like, to psychopaths, people are either facilitators or obstacles. Right now, you're a facilitator, sweetheart, because what you're. You're letting me do whatever I want. You don't ask too many questions. You're very flexible. Why did I. What is this with my hands? Oh, no. As I'm doing an impression of a psychopath, I'm like, I don't even know. Shane is so good at it. The reason we're together is because you don't talk to me about your life or your hobbies. Thankfully, you don't even speak English. Because that would make you a major obstacle to me. That would mean you drain my time and energy. And on one hand, I refuse to waste any time. Yet I also spend most of my time trying to live forever. Ketosis, ice bath and such. To be clear, I don't have time to hear you tell me where you're from, because I'm going to live forever. So I don't have this kind of time. I don't have all day. I'm gonna live till I'm 150. I don't have a lot of time for you. Okay. I will live for another hundred years. Yes. Much to the chagrin of future generations, who I am getting addicted to apps who steal their eyeballs and hand deliver them to Chinese programmers. The point is, I am a psychopath, which is why you get to live in this giant concrete box in the Hamptons where you can't even go outside because a tick could crawl inside you because I don't let you have pubes. And then you could get Lyme disease, which would make you very tired. Forever, actually. I love that idea.

[Bert Kreischer]

And popular on Instagram.

[Whitney Cummings]

Babe, I'm a psychopath. And so are all these other CEOs. Just check out this study we're working on. I funded a study to prove that it's not just me. I just got an email from my CEO scientists that I'm paying to make sure I. We get the results that I need. Hold on. This. There must be a mistake. One out of five. No, that's not true. No, no, no, no, no, no. Hold on. Some CEOs have feelings. This can't be right. Okay, we're going to have to fire this researcher immediately. One out of five is low. When people are like, one out of five CEOs or psychopaths. I'm like, that's not that many.

[Bert Kreischer]

The missing factor is CEOs of what?

[Whitney Cummings]

Well, that's the thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can think like the CEO of like a pillow company. Obviously a very grounded individual.

[Whitney Cummings]

I. My pillow. I can't think of any companies who are run by CEOs who could be normal. Maybe like Chris Farley's cousin is the CEO of Ford. That is real. My dog for life. So here's the thing. The Coldplay dance. We have to dissect this. It's important. This will be in history books. This is kind of a turning point for humanity that we love cheaters in a lot of ways. We like, you know, we know we, we support them. We're. They're back as long as they were like I had a drinking problem or like I had a sex addiction. We're like, oh give you poor thing. Oh gosh. Oh my God. That 21 year model. Like, like that must have been so hard to have to. You know. And so this is important because these two losers who cheated at a Coldplay concert, the CEO and the head of human resources. First of all, atheism is done to all atheists. I think you stand corrected. If this happens on a Jumbotron at a Goldplay concert, there's a God. What other explanation that this would happen so perfectly? The number of bracelets this woman is wearing tells me everything I need to know about this woman. This isn't going to go well. And I know this. And this may be our last episode, which is unfortunate because the next weeks would have been 300, which is how many bracelets this woman was wearing. Maybe this woman wears all these bangles so she's not, you know, tempted to give out blow blows in the office. I don't know. This could be a smart way to restrain yourself. You know, everyone be like, what's that? Clack clack, clack, cl. Like it'd be too obvious. May. Maybe it's that this many bracelets is a red flag in a professional person who believes they have a moral compass. You know this about me. I do like to glean giant generalizations from things literally nobody else notices. But you guys got to stay with me. I am Sherlock Homes. This many bracelets means you never type on your computer. You run HR so people at work feel safe, but you never allow people around you to just have peace and quiet. Your very existence makes noise. Everyone's like, is that wind chime? Like, am I going crazy? Do you guys hear that? Did you hear, like, a. Did my IUD fall out? Like, people are going to urgent care. They're, like, worried. They're like, did you, like. Oh, no, that's just Janice, the person who's supposed to make this a peaceful place to work. Now it just sounds like the ghost of Christmas Past is haunting us in a place where we can't say Merry Christmas. These are. This is. You can't wear this many bracelets, you know? Okay. You know, I'm obsessed when people get attention in little ways that seem kind of innocent, but they know what they're doing. Like, being late. That's that when someone's, like, always late, it's just, like. They just want you to be like, is she coming, Sean? Or what is she. Where is she? Oh, you're here. No, it's fine. Like, it's just all about you being. That's a big one. I don't think anyone's ever been late by accident. Like, I don't think anyone's tried to be on time and been late. There's. And so another one is giant water bottles. Just like the. The water bottle theater where. Just, like, a giant water bottle where they had. Like, someone has to help you care. Clear. Bra straps. They've never been clear. You know, they're not clear. You know, they're not clear. We can see them. And it's just us trying to figure, like, do I tell her it's clear? Do I not? And she's just, like, noisy bracelets. Like, you need attention when you're not talking. Like, when you're itching your leg, you want everyone to know about it. And then. Oh, and then she gets to be a hero because it's like, she goes to, like, you know, put her hair back, and it's like. And then everyone looks at her. She's like, sorry. Sorry. I just. I'm dating two billionaires. I got a lot of bracelets. You know, it's like, Then you get. You cause the problem, and then you're a hero for being like, I'm so sorry. Sorry. Sorry about all the noise. I'll shut up. I'll shut up. Like, take them off. Take them off your hand. We're not doing this. Okay? This is the person who. When they put their hands on the table, it's just like a drum solo. You're like, I'm. I'm literally already nervous to pitch this idea at work in front of 20 people. And now, bracelet girl, I'm at work. It's clear that you're on vacation. In India, but I'm trying to pitch something, and everyone's. Ma', am, every time you put your hand on the table, we're in a Bollywood movie nobody asks for. All right. I am so glad that you're on a trip with the girls to Mexico, but the rest of us are at work here. Okay? I left my whoop band at home. It's not even charged. That's a joke. I don't wear a whoop band. I know how I slept. I know how it went. Dude, her necklaces don't even go together. I know this sounds like I'm shallow, like, and I'm. I'm shaming her or whatever. It's an important clue. It's willy nilly. Okay? This is me as a lawyer. Look at this willy nilly behavior. The judge would be like, got it. Like, the jury. Like, that is. Sometimes you got. There's words that don't sound smart that are way more effective. She's willy nilly. She's getting necklaces from all these different dudes so she'll keep quiet. But they don't all go together, so they just look like, you know, she looks like a spider web in the Taj Mahal. And everyone. It's. People have to put it together. If a woman wears a necklace that that's good, they're gonna get tangled. And that someone else's problem. She has a necklace that goes around, that's like a thick chain, and then a thin one that goes, like, straight down. They're different types of necklaces. They will inevitably become entangled. And she's gonna have to go, can someone. Could you take it off? And then someone's gonna have to take, like, a pen and be like, I guess I'll untangle these. She makes messes. She. She makes entanglements. People that allow entanglements all over them are entanglement people. I see all these girls getting in bad relationships, and everyone's like, oh, this person's toxic. Look at the jewelry on the people. Too many bracelets and too many necklaces with no strategy tells me this is a woman who will make sure that her kids Google searches are forever the worst case. This is really going to piss people. She hasn't had her roots done. Listen to me. I'm not trying to beauty shame. I don't think all women need to get their roots done. This is a person who is saying, I don't care. I know women shouldn't have to care about this, but this tells me this woman is like, I'm fun. Like, Like, I'm fun. Like, I don't. I'm not gonna submit to your standard of beauty and like, socially constructed norms like monogamy. I don't do hair roots, guys. Monogamy, I'm gonna go to burning mana with my rats. Listen, this is a woman who's like, yeah, I just like, sorry, I haven't had time to get my roots done. I was doing Kegels. This is the woman that will make you look at her grown out roots. And then you have to stress out about whether you address it or not, even in a good way, being like, that's so cool that you don't dye your roots. She's like, what? You're like, ah. One time I met a person who didn't have a hand and they didn't give me a heads up and I grabbed a stump. That's a power move. Okay. Should they have had to tell me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes, they did, in the, in the funniest way possible.

[Whitney Cummings]

Props for being hilarious. But if. And look, I. I am nothing if not able to really. Not, like, if the camera's on, I can't hold things together because I'm on the side of the audience. But if it's just me and there's no audience, oh, I won't even. I. The entire rest of the time I was like, I'm not, I'm not acknowledging the fact you wouldn't acknowledge that you didn't have a hand. So I'm gonna enter into your reality. So, like, can you pick that up for me? Oh, could you grab that? Can you crack my back? Like, good. You wanna, you wanna do this? I'll. I will enter into a delusional reality for as long as push ups. You wanna go work out? Let's go to pull ups down at Venice Beach. I will do this. This podcast is brought to you by Better Help. We've all said it. I just need a break. No, mine's not. I just need a break. Mine is. Next week will be more chill.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, right. Just over the horizon.

[Whitney Cummings]

I said that to Mikey this morning. He's like, yeah, every week for the rest of your life. It's like, I just gotta get through this week. Like, next week, I promise. Like, as soon as I, like, get this new sunscreen in, like, it's gonna be better. Like, you're holding on to some little thing. You're like, no, no, no. Next week's gonna be easier. Starting Monday, we're all on vacation forever. Just bear with me through this. Everything's gonna change on Monday.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

My childhood, my neurology, the way that I drive dopamine, like it's all like the fire insurance laws in la. I won't have to pay fire insurance anymore. Like on Monday, Gavin Newsom is gonna like change.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's why this week felt so hard because we were getting everything fixed.

[Whitney Cummings]

It was like the storm before the calm, you know. But like next week when I tell you I've been saying this since 2004, so. Mental health. I'm an authority on it. Workplace stress is one of the top causes of declining mental health today. Mostly since we're all working from home and people have roommates. But there are steps that you can take to feel better, even in small ways. Maybe it's getting outside in the sun. The fact that we have to tell people to go out in the sun is just so wild. Stop self confining. I. I don't know. You're watching me on a screen. Like if that's not pure sunlight, I don't know what is. Therapy can help with all of this. Better Help is the world's largest online therapy platform. Over 30000 licensed therapists, 5 million people have been served. Where are they? Where? I'd love to know where they are because they're not in my Whole Foods parking lot. You can join a session at the click of a button switch therapist at any time. And the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access and mental health professionals to a diverse variety of unwind from work with better help. Get 10% off your first month. Betterhelp.com Whitney Betterhelp H lp.com Whitney Door- guys, we all need to eat. Let's be honest. It's a Life is a nightmare where every day, three times a day you have to like a truffle pig. You just have to figure out a way to fill your pie hole with something that is not going to kill you. It is exhausting. It is a full time job. Yes. This is the actual copy written for me from Doordash. Here's the deal. Door Dash you already know. It's amazing. Summer of Dash Pass is back from June 26 to July 30 and it is loaded with deals, deals and steals that'll cool your wallet down.

[Bert Kreischer]

Think about it.

[Whitney Cummings]

I just bill fold the one with the pictures of your daughter printed out from Olin Mills. I have a wallet. No, I don't. I have like a satchel. No, my wallet's on the back of my phone. How about that? So if I lose my phone I lose it. I lose my total identity.

[Bert Kreischer]

So what you want to do is you want to get all of your eggs, put them in one basket.

[Whitney Cummings]

I have no eggs left, Pat. Let's not rub it in. We're talking $0 delivery fee. Reduce service fees on eligible orders from favorite restaurants, grocery stores, local spots. If you're not already a Dash Pass member, you're dumb. And now is the time to join. You'll save this. They didn't write that. I swear. I'm just cracking myself up today because there's a thousand degrees in this PO Studio. You'll have more room in the budget. Order on doordash. Save big during summer of DashPass. Sign up today. DashPass benefits apply only to eligible orders. Terms apply. This is important. The Internet is, is coming after her, being like her roots weren't done in like a shallow way. That's not what I'm doing. I'm just saying when someone makes certain choices, examine them and act accordingly. Okay. I think women got really annoyed at this woman because we all know her. We. Every woman knows what did Janet. I don't want to say her name. I think when a woman like this is front and center. This is the type of woman that makes cool women look petty. Like she was being like all over my husband. Or like she was just like, you know, flirting. And I was like, you're being jealous. And you're like, I'm telling you, look at all of her bracelets. This. We all know. We all know this woman. We all know this woman who's got a bunch of bracelets that she like got in Bali on her yoga retreat. Cause she's like so much better than every woman knows. This woman, she has no girlfriends. She. This is the woman who can do the splits. And every, every chance she gets, she's doing the splits. Everyone knows about her talent. She's. She's got like a quote of a tattoo on her rib cage from when she was in much a bitch or, or something. But you know, it's really the splits. It's her main talent. Like when there's like a girls trip or like a reunion or you know, like a data phase Fidelta sorority reunion. She's the one at the front of the group doing the splits. Down at the front. It's like, get up, get up. She's the one that's like, you guys, let's do a pyramid. Everyone's like, we're 50. The actual pyramids were easier to build than one of a bunch of 50 year old women covered in Coconut oil and bedazzled spiritual gangster tank tops. We're going to slip and lose our kneecaps.

[Bert Kreischer]

A lot less complaining too.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. She's the woman who goes to Hawaii and is like, aloha to the greeters. She's like, can I get lit? Like, she's the one who's just like. She talks louder English to Chinese people. She's like, hella. And they're like, louder. Doesn't make it my. Like, this woman has breeder dogs. This is what I think. This is it. She's. This is a breeder dog. What? She's like, breeder dog energy. I will pay you money if she doesn't have two matching breeder dogs. Corgi span. I feel like she's like a spaniel gal. Like, she has pillows that are like, my spaniel rescued me. Even though she bought it and went and picked it out from the litter. She picked out. She's like, and I saw him in the litter. It's like that. You left four behind. All I hear is you left four other ones and took someone's brother. I'm just saying. Gone are the days when we can trust anyone who is morality police. That is the number one red flag in someone at this point. If someone's like, hi, I work for this charity, I'm like, excuse me, I would like to talk to a lawyer. Gone are the days that someone working in HR or who's an activist or thought of as good people that they can. They now go into the category of what are you hiding? What are you up to? What does this self righteous job give you the immunity to do when no one else is watching? Someone who says, I'm in charge of good behavior, I don't know. I feel like they just think that the rules don't apply to them. I'm a saint. I say people. I protect people from corporations. They work from home, but they have a toxic work environment. They work in their house. That feels like an issue for them and their landlord, not you. She's like, I make sure that our employees work at home and stay at home so that my boss and I can sin all over their desks at work. The Internet is coming after her for her roots not being done. Don't go after her. She taught us a valuable lesson. Guys don't care. Guys don't get. Guys are into. Guys are into a mess like this. They're into like a woman who's got her gray roots going out. Like, women are like, I have gray hair. I can't let My. They love it. All right, first of all, they're like, great. She's not fertile. Great. Number two, if a woman doesn't care about her roots. She's fun. She's fun. She is going to dine on your butt. What can we say? Pat just went.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think that would work.

[Whitney Cummings]

She is going to nibble your backside. I think that's all guys see. Guys are like, oh, word. Her hair is two completely different colors. She is down to clown. This should be kind of liberating for this woman with all her bracelets and, you know her. The roots and the black. Dude. I'm sorry, the black shell top. Sorry. I'm. I'm gonna have a. A laughing bit because it's just the. How little she care. Like, how little she was like, okay, like, let me just dress like we're at work so if I do run into someone, like, I'll be able to. Like, she was fearless about this. She was just like, yeah, I'm in my black. It was like a sports bra. Like, Lululemon top. Hey, sweetheart, would it kill you to add to car to Trina Turk top? You're a mistress. Can you at least have some class about? This is a Coldplay concert. I guess it makes sense that she's wearing that because if you're at a Coldplay concert, you kind of have to wear whatever matches your hookahs. And she's definitely wearing hookahs. There's no way I will give you everything I have.

[Bert Kreischer]

This could have been a publicity stunt by hookahs.

[Whitney Cummings]

See how she rolled back, like, because, you know, they have, like, a curve on the bottom. She, like, rolls back and kind of like, gets out of there quick. I guess this is good news. It's not like, not all men want, like, Kate Upton, the woman you think you don't have to worry about. Like, oh, her grays are showing. He's not cheating with her. That's the one. That's what guys look for. She's not uptight. She's forward thinking. Her hair is half blonde, half gray. She's like, she's not so hot that she's entitled and gonna, like, show up at, you know, my wife's home and confront her when I leave her for someone in the London office.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not looking for anything serious.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know what I'm saying? She's. Yeah, exactly. She can't even commit to a hair color. We love her. She doesn't get her roots done. She's like, f the patriarchy. Like, she literally will f. She really actually will F the patriarch. She will sleep with powerful men that run the world. That's actually effing the patriarchy. She's got bracelets. She got gray roots. She's going to Coldplay when they're both married. Is there no limit to how much blondes believe they can do in a day? Like, it is? Kind of. I want to go back to being blonde. That's my main takeaway of all this. I want to go back to being blonde with the personality of a brunette. That's kind of the key. I feel like blondes have this. Like, I'll just cry my way. I feel like this is the first time she didn't cry her way out of something. She never got a speeding ticket in her life, and she, like, drives with her toe. She's the girl. She's the girl.

[Bert Kreischer]

Foot on the mirror.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. Oh. Foot outside the car. Can you name any man who's ever cheated with a brunette? I'm just curious. Comment section. Enlighten me, because I am not thinking of any. And truly, this is the type of trivia that my brain holds on to. Social Security number. You tell me. This brought us together as a nation. Like, this is a healing moment. I have not had anxiety since this Coldplay thing. I feel great. I feel so validated as well on my theory about hr. It's like being the head of a charity, you know? Or if you want to be, like, an activist, in theory, it's good. But why do you want to be the boss of morality? Citizens arrest people. These are people that they believe they're morally superior to, so much so they believe that they should get money for how good their judgment is. These are people who are like, I want for a living to not mind my business. Do you know the original slogan for America that was on the coin was mind your own business. Google it. Google it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna Google it.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're correct.

[Whitney Cummings]

The first American coin said, mind your business. Fugio sent HR people. You know. You know what you are. You know me and my. I like to just boil it down. Hey, HR person. You know you are. You're a rubber necker. That is the coldest insult.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa, looky Lou.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, you can't mind your own bee. All right. On some level, you have a kink for seeing people at their worst. There's like, 500 other jobs at a company where you don't have to hear about the sordid antics at the Christmas party and read through your Microsoft Teams app looking for a slur. Like, on some Level, you want to be entrenched in other people's bad behavior, which means what you do when no one is watching is so shady that you want to watch other people make mistakes. So comparatively, you're a saint. That's it. It's like you're a lawyer who didn't pass the bar. Cozy lawyer. Yeah, cozy lawyer. Sit in the beanbag chair. I didn't go to law school, but like, I'm going to decide who's in trouble. HR just wants to tell, like, oh, you're naughty. There's. You want to be the office dominatrix. You want people to be scared of you, but also think you're protecting them. It's a kind of power that only a very specific person wants. You want people to be. Oh God, here comes Jessica. What was her name? Sally. You want people to be like, when you walk by, which by the way, you not typing does. She can't fire you for that. She like gets off on you being like, oh God, here comes, you know, yeah, here comes Trina. Here she is in her sweater with the pumpkin on it, even though it's September 1st. Truly, you know, I'm close. I'm. I'm close to this. I think here's my problem is that I'll have a gut feeling. That's right. But then I can't figure out how to articulate it. And I know I have to owe an explanation. There are cool HR people, like the one that I worked with on a show who had to tell me that an intern was annoyed that I said Merry Christmas. And when she called me into her office to tell me, she rolled her eyes. My dog. She's like. So the intern, she's like complaining that you said like. She was like. I was like, you're sick. You wouldn't wash your hands without water. So why are we still using dry toilet paper? Good wipes are the flushable wipes made for adults. They're soft, they smell amazing, and they leave you feeling like you actually cleaned something, not just pushed it around. Those aren't baby wipes. These are for grown ups who want their bathroom experience to be less medieval. With scents like rose water, chick lavender, and their own new botanical bliss. You can upgrade your routine without the shame. They're naturally scented, hyperallergenic, and made for sensitive skin. And they're actually flushable plant based fibers that break down just like they should. If you want to upgrade your restroom ritual and stop being gross and a dirt ball, you can grab good wipes at Target, Walmart, Kroger and most local grocery stores just headed the toilet paper aisle. Look for the bright aqua rose and emerald packaging. Or shop on Amazon. If you're agoraphobic, you know it's worse than overdrafting your account. The overdraft fee they hit you with afterwards. Honestly, this is un American and should be punishable by you. Remember in the Roman days where they tied four horses to someone's limbs and then they all ran?

[Bert Kreischer]

You're quartering them.

[Whitney Cummings]

Quartering them. I mean, that's not possible. Horses don't move like that. But what they actually do is they follow the one leader and then they all trample, which is actually worse than the original plan, like, of making a person a ninja star. That gets, like, stretched out. But the point is that Cash App has your back. If you direct deposit 300 or more each month and you use your Cash App card for purchases, you can unlock up to 200 in free overdraft coverage. No hidden fees, just real protection for for life when it does this thing. Manage your money on your terms. Take advantage of overdraft coverage. Up to $200 completely free with Cash App. Here's the offer. For a limited time, new Cash App customers can get some extra cash. Okay, we're not talking crypto, we're talking cash. Okay? Just use the referral code, Whitney, with your profile. Send $5 to a friend and then you're going to get $10 into your account. That's money. Cash App financial services is a platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash Apps bank partners. Prepaid debt cards issued by Sutton bank member fdic. Visit Cash app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosure. This is the element I think that we're missing is that this human resources trollop. She's working for a company that does AI so her job is to make sure that people have jobs. Human resources for the company replacing humans. She wasn't going to have a job that much longer, and she knew it. Why do you think she had a backup billionaire? She was married to one of them and then she was getting a backup one in case she had to go on the ocean gate. What was it? The. The toaster oven Submersible. There's no Pat. I'm not. Pat was like, no. Cold.

[Bert Kreischer]

Learn the word submersible.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm not doing it. I'm never dating a billionaire. I'll never have to know that word. But, like, yeah, I mean, this. You know. You know that billionaires are doing that right now. They're like, I heard they worked out the kinks like narcissistic, ego maniacal psychopaths, they can't not.

[Bert Kreischer]

They want to go down and look.

[Whitney Cummings]

At that wreckage that's we now submersible that goes. And you can look at the submersible from before. I mean, it just. It's honestly a good idea. They should be like, look, send your wives. This is. Okay, this is a new submersible company, Oceangate. And for you to send your wives only the ones who know about all the lists that haven't been released. Okay? You can go view the Titanic. Ms. Maxwell, do you miss feeling like you're rich again? Come.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you thought of going on a retreat?

[Whitney Cummings]

You know what? You're not really allowed on land, but you know where you are allowed under the water. The point is, a huge part of this thing is the fact that the woman worked in hr, and this is. It's important. We can't. You know, it's funny because Chris Rock one time said in one of his bits, like, about Tiger woods, you know, the whole thing with Tiger woods when he was cheating with all those women is all women were going. And they were like, bottle service girls. You know, like. And he was like, we don't care what you do. Which blew my mind. And girls tend to name guys their job. Girls would be like, how's the skateboarder? You know, like, how's the rock climber? Like, they have, you know their name. Like, it's the fight. So sometimes people care about jobs, sometimes they don't. But in this case, it matters so much. And I think in all of these, like, public cancellation things, it always matters. We're actually, weirdly, not that hard on people when they do gross things. If it's consenting adults, whatever. As long as people have not made their entire identity morality and charged money for their ability to be moral. You know what we don't like as humans? We don't like a high horse, okay? That even I don't. That's my thing. If a woman had just worked in accounting, we'd be like, fine, fine. Good for her. Am I just giving advice to people that want to do bad things? If you want to do bad things, we don't really care. Just don't make yourself the paragon of being a good person. You can actually be a dirt ball, but you have to just be like, I'm a dirt ball. This is why no one's ever mad at Kid Rock. No one's ever. Jared Leto, he's like, guys, like, Jared Leto's been having an island. Been having One. But when the, you know, guy with the island full of kid sisters had an island and that became a thing, everyone's like, where's the list? And I'm like, oh, wait, guys. No, but Jared Leto, he has an island that his, like, fans go to. And everyone's like, yeah, but he's had it for a while. What? No, that's like. He's. It's an open. Everyone knows about it. What? Huh? Why isn't that. Well, we're just finding out about this one, so. Yeah, but you. You just found out about the Jared Leto one at some point.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I don't think a lot of women in their 40s right now had a crush on Jeffrey Epstein when they were 14.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, whoa. Jordan Catalano gets a pass. There's just something funny about being like, I didn't know that. Ship sailed. I live in Fort Worth, Texas. This never would have gotten to me until now. So I just. I have to let it slide. He also. He's a Hollywood actor. He's weird. He. He's weird. We have. There's not. There's no plot twist here. I'm just saying, if you're a dirt ball, be a dirt ball. If you don't blindside anyone, it's fine. All right? And this woman made a lot of mistakes here. The biggest mistake is that you don't get to work in human resources and also listen to Coldplay. Half of your emails are from employees complaining that their co worker is playing Coldplay without headphones.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whose side are you on?

[Whitney Cummings]

Whose team are you on? In my field, HR is ridiculous because it's also beyond comprehension, inappropriate. There's just like. It's like, hey, in the nude scene, the naked guy's wife came to set to watch. What should I do? HRs like, Ah, here are your options. Okay, let her watch. Or let's Google her and see if you could take her in a fight. Because I don't. That. Or that. I don't know. There's no rules. This makes no sense. We don't. Also, no movies ever needed a nude scene. So the fact that I'm here trying to, like, just can tell the director to cut the scene is what I would do if I were you, because it's completely unnecessary. No one's going to be rooting for your character more if they see the sex scene, like, quit. That's me as an HR person. You should quit. The HR person dating the head of the company. This is like a centaur essing his own D. You can't like, you can't do that. There's other billionaires to do. The HR person still works for the person that they're trying to protect everyone from. This is the rub, if you will. Okay. Shouldn't this, shouldn't this be proof that we should have outside human resources people that don't work for the CEO that signs their check? This is so wild to me, like, for hr, literally. I've seen HR offices right next to the office of the main boss. Like, if I went to this woman, it was like, hey, the CEO is like asking me to work late and like, I'm not getting paid. She'll be like, I'll handle it. Like, but you're not gonna like, like, tell him, are you? And she's like, no, no, no, I won't tell him. Because next time I see him, his hand will be over my mouth in the back of his sprinter van. So I. I can't really say anything. Okay. We'll be destroying our families to a song called yellow to a color. A song that's a color. There's kind of an upside of the Internet. Like, this is the first time I was like, this is. Surveillance is good. Like, I do think that we're so anti surveillance right now, but we're like, nah, good. I think this is when people like, huh, Maybe there's something. Maybe we should just have cameras on us at all times. I'm fine at this point to be surveilled. Okay. You can put a camera. I'll say it on record. You can put a camera in my toilet whenever you want. I'll install it if you want. If it means just one CEO who is cheating on his wife gets publicly humiliated, whatever the cost is of that. I think we have to stop going like, surveillance. They're taking our data. If it was like, what if someone filmed you all day? But also, no woman with bracelets is going to take your man. I'd be like, fine. Daily colonoscopies. I guess fair is fair. Fair is fair. Okay, I just. If it means that this man will never go on a date again, I guess I'm pro surveillance. There's a way to deal with the surveillance fear. I do believe that if you're worried about surveillance, you need to take some advice from me. This is very easy. I don't know why people don't do it. You just have to lean in to being recorded. Lean in. Alexa, everyone's like, there they are. My conversations. It's. This is easy. Okay, first of all, buy your mind altering substances and Fast food and cash, so insurance companies have no record of it. And then every now and then, you know, you just have to, like, say stuff that you would never say. You just gotta throw em off. You have to be like, hey, Alexa, like, is it possible to eat too much kale? Just want to make sure. It's so simple. Hey, Alexa, I would. I went running for two hours this morning. How much should I hydrate? Alexa, I love my wife so much. I hate Coldplay. Just want to be very clear about this. Like, you just have to say stuff you don't mean to, like, throw it off. Why is this so confusing? Hey, Alexa, do you have any ideas for someone.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is it possible to love your wife too much?

[Whitney Cummings]

Yes. Is there a way to go do a wholesome outdoor activity that burns calories, that is nowhere close to minors, that minors would never be near? You just gotta lean in. Okay? If they're hacking you, we gotta just hack them back. You know what? I just thought of a business. I'll come to your home and for an hour, I'll fix your. I'll fix your data.

[Bert Kreischer]

You'll feed Alexa for them.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's it. Like, that's the way that people come over, like, maintain aquariums and stuff. They should have someone that just comes over and changes what's being fed into the Alexa machine. Yeah, it's like, okay, tell me. Okay, so you did you what you ordered? Okay, okay, that wasn't great. Just tell me all the things you ordered on Amazon this week that I need to undo.

[Bert Kreischer]

You'll pull up the antidotes.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay, so. So, like, what's up this week? What do I need to handle and be like, I was just, like, in a panic and I googled, like, how do you, you know, make sure your wife doesn't know you're cheating? How do you clear your cookies? Like, I got it, dude. I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it. And then it's like, they figure out a way to be like, ah, my brother's staying with me and he's using my computer. What should I do? Like, then you Google all the things that would undo the things that would get you later in court. Family services. This is where people don't lie. It's amazing to me when people are like, what, am I gonna lie? Yeah. Yes. Lie to your Alexa. Lie to your every now and then. Just go into your ways app and just put in, you know, ymca. That could go either way. Now that I say it. Put in the church again, that could go either way. If It's Catholic church. See, this is why this needs to be someone's full time job so you can go, like, look on my ways every day. I went to this gym. I feel like this is like the storyline of, like, bad Santa or something where, like, if you just pretend to do something good for the wrong reasons, you eventually will just start doing good things or something. You know, be like, I guess I got to drive to the shelter every day and feed these homeless people to throw off my algorithm. And then you're like, oh, this feels. Wait a minute. This is fucked up. You're my, like, Jenny, a hottie down.

[Bert Kreischer]

There with her roots not died living out of her car. That's really why I'm going down there.

[Whitney Cummings]

She. She's going to have to get hookahs on ebay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Golden Bachelorette.

[Whitney Cummings]

Golden dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

One of them will be on.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's such a good idea. I. If. If that happens, it's from you saying.

[Bert Kreischer]

That it'll likely be her and it'll be a huge payday because so many people would watch that season.

[Whitney Cummings]

But why would men. But then the men signing up for it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, they're all going on it to lose and be the Golden Bachelor next year.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay. Okay. So since this is happening clearly, and sometimes I need a little bit of evidence to back up my wild, correct assumptions. Watch every guy on it. Be like, I know she went, but she's so fun and like, she's been to Bali and she's like, got the bracelets and she's got, you know, carefree. She's carefree, okay? She's. She doesn't care about it. She's not shallow. Like, she's very active now.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's looking for something serious.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, she was a gymnast. You know, she's very, like, flexible. Literally and figuratively like that. I. That's the entire show. Spoiler alert. That's the other thing. She. Her thing is, like, I've been with billionaires. I want to be with, like, a regular guy who signs up to be on tv. You know, just like a regular guy as they ride elephants in Thailand. If this woman rides elephants, that will be my last straw. I let the bracelet slide. This is me letting things slide. By the way. This is a woman who's. One of her boyfriends or husbands has ivory somewhere in his home. So don't ride elephants on the Golden Bachelor. Jenny, Jessica, Abby. Gab. Abby. She's such an Abby. She has a. One of the spaniels is named, like, Abby. She's definitely got, like a couple nicknames. She's the person where it was like. Like, lizzy, and then it was like, tizzy. Lizzy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Kristen.

[Whitney Cummings]

Kristen. She's. Kristen has the word Christ in the name. I always wonder if that has an impact. She's like, you guys, it's in my name. Christian. Kristen.

[Bert Kreischer]

Absolved.

[Whitney Cummings]

Absolved of all from birth. So. So is the billionaire single, or what are we doing? Because I got a new Hawaiian shirt that I had to, by the way, close up with a pin. Don't ride elephants, especially if you're on the golden bachelor and, like, Coldplay. Thanks so much, Sam.