← Good For You with Whitney Cummings
Good For You with Whitney Cummings
Don't Panic, I'm Just Evolving | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 272
00:51:55
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Whitney. Hi, everyone. Whitney Cummings here, coming in hot from my still evacuated podcast studio. I know it's a creepy vibe in here, but that's my thing. It's turned more into, like, kind of a panic room energy. I am touring. These announcements are so embarrassing. 2025 tour dates are up on Whitney Cummings Edu. You know where to find them. Let's get into the podcast today. Part of the reason these have been a little bit late is I don't know what to say because things have gotten kind of weird and not just after the CNN roast. Things got a little wild. A lot of people are like, you know, and. And I don't want to be one of those people. It's like people are saying. Everybody's saying. It's like, oh, you talk to everyone. You talk to everyone. And this is what they all said. That's kind of. How did you. That was quick for talking to everyone. You already have this data in. My life has. Has gotten pretty interesting. I mean, when I go to the grocery store or I'm just, you know, out, like, with my son at a playground, people come up to me and they're like, hey, you know, Magic Johnson didn't have aids, right? Like, I'm like, I said a couple things on CNN that were like, I think, pretty true. That there's fluoride in the water, right? That the Democrats kind of bombed the election. That didn't. That those didn't seem like hot takes to me. What else did I say? The. The president's chefs. I mean, two of them died mysteriously. Like, that's not like a crazy conspiracy theory, but people are just coming up to me now and they're just like, did you know that Britney Spears is a trans man who was hired to pretend to be Britney Spears? I'm like, dude, I just. I honestly just. I need to just get through this checkout line. There's, like a link involved, people. Let me send you this link about, you know, the. The ocean. There's another ocean down there. I'm like, I'm sure there is. I can't take on Atlantis right now. Someone came up to me. They're like, do you know about the Giants? And I'm like, oh, no, I'm a. I'm actually a commander's fan, Eagles fan. I mean, I'm all over the place with that. Don't get me started. But he's like, no, no. I mean, like, giants. You know, humans. There were giants. I'm like, I. What does this have to do with anything, right? Like, I Don't. I don't know. I don't know. When I. I become the go to person for, there's this wild things, like, I guess people just being like, hey, I have to have nightmares about this, so, so do you. But, like, I don't really know what to. To talk about because, you guys know, I'm just. I just, I want to make people laugh. That's really all I want to do. And I guess I have evolved a little bit since having a child. I'm going to get into all the ways that we got here because I think people are like, how come you're all of a sudden talking about this and you're all of a sudden talking about politics and you're all of a sudden, like, calling out hypocrisy? I've always done that. Maybe just the CNN thing because it was on a news network. I use it all of a sudden became like I was trying to make something big statement or. I. I don't know. I just, It's. Look, I think part of the reason that I'm a little more skeptical, number one, it probably just seems like that to most people because, I mean, people only know me as like a single, like, mess of a person who's, like, talking about dating and my specials. Like, if you've never listened to the podcast, like, you don't know that I'm the kind of person that questions everything. Now all of a sudden people are like, you know, like, oh, you. What happened to the liberal, the head of the Me Too movement? Like, I was never the head of the Me Too movement. I was always the person. I actually got in trouble because I was the person at. It was like some meeting or zoom call or something where they were like, you know, we need to do something about the fact that we walk onto set and it's all white men, like, actresses saying this. And I was like, you know, these people are hired, like, six months ahead of you getting to set, right? Like, actresses don't hire anyone. Why are only actresses talking about this? It's line producers. And I was like, we should do like, a mixer with line producers so that line producers could. And they looked at me like I had the biggest, most flaccid dick hanging off my face. Like there was nothing sexy about. But I was like, yeah, like, this. Actresses can't solve this problem. Like, I mean, they can act like they're solving it, but I just. I don't know. I've always been this kind of pariah in Hollywood and people like, I'm too. It's like, I'm too YouTube for Hollywood, and I'm too Hollywood for YouTube. I feel like I'm in this in between place where I'm like, I just. I'm not an expert in politics. I'm not an expert in the moon. I'm not an expert in, you know, Magic Johnson's white blood cell count. I'm not an expert in any of this, but, like, Republican, Democrat, I am an expert in hypocrisy. That's my. That's the only thing I'm able to really, like, point out and deconstruct. I grew up, like, I was raised by alcohol. All they did was lie. And I had to, like, figure out, you know, where hypocrisy was. So I do have to acknowledge the fact that you do update your mental software when you have a kid. I'm sure there's maybe ways to do it without having a kid. But when you have a kid, you totally reexamine everything you thought you knew. Like, you have no choice but to question everything. And, like, you're watching your child, like, have a childhood, and then you start thinking about your childhood. And I always thought of my childhood as being these, like, you know, more innocent times or some things. I mean, I was raised by, you know, alcoholics, and it was a chaotic mess, but there was something, like, wholesome. It was your childhood. But then you become an adult and you're like, I barely survived that. Like, my parents, they didn't put the, the, the block, the electrical outlet blockers. Like, those were just invented. Like, I have a kid now, and there's. There's like all these things that you have to do that didn't even exist back when I was a kid. I'm buying him toys. Like, I'll go to the toy store and I'm like, where are the lawn darts? You guys are out of lawn darts? They're like, yeah, we don't carry those. I'm like, no, no. But the knives that we used to throw at each other for fun, where they're like, yeah, no, that was outlawed, like, 30 years ago. Even in Texas, it was outlawed. That's how dangerous they were. So you start rethinking things and wiring your brain to go, wait, that was weird. Like, oh, yeah. Like, that thing that I totally thought was, like, fun and cool was, like, super dangerous. Like, and then when you're pregnant, you finally start reading ingredients on food. You start caring about yourself, like, by accident because, you know, you care about the baby. I. When I got pregnant, I realized how bad I was to myself, like, how poorly I treated myself. Once I got pregnant, I was like, well, I guess I should put a seatbelt on, you know, where is it? Oh, like I. I'm literally putting a seatbelt on for like. It's so wild that you start having self respect and caring about yourself only when you're growing another person inside you. Like, I'm looking at ingredients, I'm like, yeah, red number five. Like, why not eat red number five? Who cares? Like, when I was a kid, I used to eat glue. Like the damage was done, you know, Like, I used to lick batteries. Like, who cares? You know? But then, like, you start going like, I don't want this, I don't want this. You know, I want this kid to have a fighting chance, you know? And so I started doing recon. Like, what happened in the last couple of years to my brain and the way that I think and having clarity or why didn't I have more clarity before? And is it, is it clarity or is it just, have I changed or has everyone else changed? I'm trying to sort of figure it out. The variables I've isolated is, number one, I got off birth control, which I believe was making me insane. Like, I look, when you're on birth control, your body thinks it's pregnant. That's why you don't get pregnant. Someone literally told me, like, never marry the guy you're with until you've gone off birth control for at least a year. Because you smell pheromones differently when you're on birth control, right? So when you're on birth control, you're attracted to more feminine faces, more like beta male types, whatever that means. But like, honestly, like, no wonder I was dating vegans with razor scooters for so long. It does make some sense. Like, yeah, I was definitely dating guys with tank tops and a scarf at the same time. Like, when I was on birth control, I literally, I dated a guy who would carry around a journal that had a strap around it, like a, you know, I mean, like it wrapped and you know, in case. I mean, because, I mean, I'm sure many people want to read it. Like, he had to protect his, like, poems or, you know, whatever. And then it had another rabbit that would go around his wrist so that he could hold it. I don't know if he got at the Ren Fair. I'm not sure where they even sell this thing. But it also had like a. A big, like kind of like a Game of Thrones, like, like a brooch Almost that just stuck to the front and it was very like flat, like, like this. It was like skin. It was like an animal skin or something. And he would rabbit and carry it. It was like. I don't know, it was like he was in Jack Sparrow's book club or something. I'm just saying I don't think I would have done that if I wasn't on birth control. And I, I need something to blame for that choice. And I really hope that that is why. But, like, I don't know, I just. Like he was a writer and like, every time he would have. Sorry. Every time he would have an idea, he'd be like, well, that's a good idea. Okay, I'm sorry. Anyway, birth control, back to that. I have gone off of it. I don't think having a kid any sooner than now would have made a lot of sense for me. My mental health wasn't really on par. I wasn't a shining example of, of mental equilibrium before now. I just, I would have had depression and postpartum depression at the same time. And I think that that's. That feels like a recipe for live streaming your birth on only fans or, you know, I don't know. That might just be good business. At this point, it's unclear. But after that, after I was first put on birth control for migraines, right. I was also put on Lexapro for a bit, which I don't know. That felt like a very big setback for me in mental clarity. Like, I don't. Again, if you need to take Lexapro because you're clinically depressed and it's going to save your life, I think that's awesome. I'm just not one of those sort of people, you know, I'm. I might have been depressed, but like, you know, it doesn't help depression having to go to CVS every 28 days. I deal with the logistics of getting a prescription and then waiting the CVS, the gas x pill section for like two hours because it's never ready, and then paying $100 to get your medication, not be depressed. Like, after spending 30 minutes sitting in CVS next to all the medicated gold Bond, you will have depression if you didn't already. Also, like the fact that there's a pill for depression that's like, hey, you're depressed. Here's a pill where you can never have an orgasm again. Like, how, how is that helping things? Like, shouldn't the therapist have been like, look, I know why you come in here and complain about Non relationships working. You're having terrible sex because those pills broke your box. And I recently had the epiphany that I think that a lot of my relationships weren't going well in work and life, personal, family, a lot of things. Because I was getting Botox. I know, I know. It is so wild to me that a therapist wouldn't be like, you know, you come in a lot for communication issues. Like, your face isn't really relaying what you're thinking or feeling. Like there's kind of. You're. I'm not understanding anything you're saying. Like, why wouldn't someone point that out? Like, it's wild to me. Like, two years ago, I stopped getting Botox, and my life is so much better. Like, yes, I look my age. Like, Anthony Kiedis is not going to want to date me. Fine. But, like, when I'm in a bad mood, people know, right? Like, they could actually read my micro expressions. I. When I had Botox, I was like, no one understands me. No one cares. It's just they didn't know. And I was upset because I had no wrinkles on my face, you know? Like, I think that having Botox kind of makes you go crazy because people can't see how you feel. And you constantly have to, like, advocate for yourself. You know what I mean? You have to be like, I'm sad. And everyone's like, are you? You're like, yes. Like, they're like, how would we know? Like, when I had Botox, I was always thinking, like, this guy doesn't really love me. He doesn't understand me. We're not connected. He doesn't even notice or care when I'm upset. Like, how could he know that I'm upset if my face defaults to looking like a. Like a happy jellyfish all the time? Like, every conversation with someone I was in a relationship, I would have to subtitle my face. Like, I was going to a therapist to learn how to communicate when I really just needed to, like, stop getting Botox. Because I was like, yeah, I guess I'm bad at communicating. You know, the key to relationship is communicating. So I'd be like, I'm upset because this and this and this. And it's like, well, why doesn't your face match what you're saying? Like, my face was in congress with what I was actually saying. I don't know. I also feel like I look bitchier with Botox, you know? Like, I feel bad. Like, what if I wasn't able to, like, show up for Friends emotionally, because my face wasn't expressing, like, the compassion that I had for what they were going through. Like, you know, like, people would say to me, they're like, whitney, you're like, you know, I need. This is what I need. I need tough love. And I'm like, I'm not trying to give you tough love. I'm trying to, like, I feel awful that this happened to you. And they're like, no, this is good. This is good. I need tough love. I'm like, I guess it's just because my face was like, that sounds hard. That sounds really hard. Well, I hope you feel better. That's not what I mean. I meant to be like, that sounds hard. Are you okay? Like, I think nature knew what it was doing with, like, wrinkles, you know? I don't know. I mean, look, if you get Botox, if you're. But that's totally fine. I am definitely entertaining getting Botox in my armpits because I do have a sweating problem. I. I sweat like a pig. I mean, it is so disgusting. I've just started wearing short sleeves. Like, it's cold, it's winter. I'm wearing a sweater. Short sleeve sweater. I don't know what to do about it. But the doctor I went to was like, oh, yeah, you can get Botox in your armpits. You won't sweat out of your armpits, but the sweat does have to come out somewhere. And then he just pointed to crevices. This is a hot take. Maybe I'm completely body dysmorphic or something, but, like, I think I look younger without Botox. Like, I don't even. I don't know if there's something subconscious of. Like, when you see someone young with Botox in your brain, you go like, oh, that person's like, 40. Like, when you see someone who's 25 with Botox, like, oh, that person's 40. I don't know if it's because they don't have wrinkles. That doesn't make sense. Even though I kind of think wrinkles are a sign of youth at this point. You know, like, when you see someone who's actually 22 who doesn't have Botox, you're like, oh, you have wrinkles on your face. Like, I forgot. But also I think there's something subconscious that goes on where you're like, oh, if you have Botox all over your face, like, you must have money, and to have money, you have to be older. Does that make any sense? Like, I kind of. I'm like, oh, like that's such a, like a wild thing to spend your money on in your 20s because, like, you don't even need it. So I'm defaulting to this person. Must be like 40. I don't know. I don't know. I don't even know why I was getting it. It's like. So I think that this is a big year of me, like breaking patterns and breaking cycles and habits that I just thought were normal. Like, I don't. I was, I was just trained to believe that women shouldn't have lines on their face. You know who trained me to believe that? A bunch of pedophile producers. Like, why, why did I listen to them? I, I thought I had to. Didn't know any better, you know, Like, I did grow up with a mom. My mom worked at department stores and she had all these like anti aging creams, you know, And I would use those even when I was a kid. It was just like everything said, anti aging eye wrinkle cream. Wrinkle cream. Like I just from a very early age and like wrinkles are like bad, you know. But then I got to LA and a producer was like, you know, you look tired. Like, it's really easy. You just do like a couple. What was that? Like, it's. What is it called? Bunny lines or something? He was like, this is a man telling. By the way, it wasn't even a woman telling me to do. Like, I don't know, that'd be weird too. But I don't know. I. No woman has ever told me to get Botox. I don't know if that's sabotage or. Now I'm kind of like, wait a second, you're keeping all the secrets to yourself. Like, the whole thing is just like such a fun house of nightmare, the fact that we do this. But yeah, told me to get a little around the eyes and then in the forehead and. And then the way that they sell it to you is like, it's preventative. And you're like, oh, okay. Like, yeah, I'll get it. I'll get ahead of it, you know, which is like, why not just deal with it when it actually happens instead of it being preventative? Like, that's the workaround to make it not. Like at 24 you look too old. Like, I don't know. It's just why? You know what, though? I was thinking about it and I was like, you know, if you're a man at work and you're working with women, I do understand how like women's Emotions are stressful to a guy who isn't. Like, you're not in a relationship with these women. The idea of a married guy all day working with women and just thinking, like, can everyone get Botox, please? Because I already have to deal with one woman's emotion at home. I can't deal with them at work. Like, I can't deal with this woman's side eye and this woman's furrowed brow and this woman's look of disapproval. Can you all just freeze your faces, please? Because if I see a woman upset, I either have to do something about it or go jerk off. So please freeze your faces, or else I'll just have to move my entire desk into human resources. At this point, I already have one strike against me for buying Sheila truck nuts for Christmas. I don't know. I'm just. I'm trying to, like, address the main questions I'm getting right now, which is, like, you seem different, and you seem to be thinking differently, and I think it's a lot of that, you know? Like, I. I guess I'm just in this new phase of questioning everything in a bigger way. Because, like, I already said it. When you're a mom, you know, you have to buy stuff for your innocent, vulnerable child, and you want to give them a fighting start. And when you start researching stuff you're buying for your kid, you start learning the most horrific things that you have been ignorant about. Like, I was stuck in the nursery before my son came, right? And I was like, you know, you got the. The shelves and the rolling rack. And I'm like, you know what I need to do? I need to go get some baby powder. Okay? I go online, Google it. Like, where should I get, like, you know, stock up, get, like, 10 things of baby powder? You know, I Google baby powder. The first thing that comes up is that Johnson and Johnson has to pay more than $10 billion. It was 8 billion and then 2 billion. I looked this up for a while. Over 25 years, whatever. But 12,000 people sued Johnson and Johnson over various cancers because baby powder, the ones I mean, I used, chock full of asbestos. We were just rubbing it all over our butts and our crevices and our holes. And, I mean, like, when I was a kid, we would put baby powder all over our bodies instead of taking a shower. That wasn't weird. My aunt used to put baby powder on the carpet before she vacuumed it to freshen up the place. I did it all through college. Like, if I had friends coming over, I would just put Baby powder over it and then you vacuum over it like that, that, that wasn't that long ago. Like Tide pods. Honestly, it felt like a huge like step up health wise for teenagers. Kids like eating Tide pods probably. Honestly, at this point the healthiest thing they can eat, like, probably better than Bill Gates's appeal covered apples at this point. I mean, and I'm out of the algorithm. Okay. So all this started making me think of like, okay, what else am I putting on my body that's going into my bloodstream and like, maybe making me crazy or like, could harm my child? I am truly convinced that between makeup, hairspray, perfume, lotions, creams, like we're basically always high. Like, is that possible? Like the amount of chemicals in our bodies at this point, Perfumes, alcohol, like I spray it all over myself. Like, I'm starting to think that if I am going to get gussied up for something, I probably should not be allowed to drive. Honestly, it's like, it makes so many of my bad choices make sense. Like, I feel like I've been under the influence of parabens and like phthalates. Like, I was so obsessed with makeup not being tested on animals that I didn't even think to check them for like, I don't know, formaldehyde. I feel like our brains are just like chock full of alcohol and aerosol is like, is anyone surprised that people are falling off cliffs taking selfies? Like, honestly, the craziness in the world is making a lot more sense to me given the amount of chemicals in our bloodstream. I feel like we're doing pretty well given the circumstance, you know? But I feel like I've detoxed a little bit. I'm not doing hairspray. I do like coconut oil, which is why I always look so God damn greasy. Everyone's like, is it raining out? I'm like, no, I'm just, just a greasy ass now. You know what I mean? But I, I feel better. I have more energy, you know, I. Here's what I'll say though. I got sober off weed and alcohol, but sober off lotion, dude, that is next level. It's next level mental clarity. Now that I'm sober from formaldehyde, I'm like, I'm ready to take on the LA tunnels. Which, by the way, I did try to dig into the LA tunnels thing. I, I can't, I can't find a reliable source. Please stop coming up to me at the airport and telling me about tunnels. I. This is just not going to be my Cause all right, Shirley Temple. If Shirley Temple was in any of these tunnels, let's talk. Okay. You know, that's my expertise. But I don't know. Every video I see about the tunnels, it's like there's a watermark over it that's like, 13 Shan. The account is called, like, Extinct the Libs or like, Russell brand for President 1 4. Like, I'm not. I need more time to vet some of these sources, but I do think the LA tunnels, I think they have something to do with prohibition, right? That's really what. All the time. Like, to travel during prohibition or something. Like, which. God, like, when you stop drinking alcohol, like, you start seeing all the alcoholic, like, the infrastructure that is a reflection of how intense alcoholism is. Like. Like, prohibition was in the 20s, right? That the tunnels that they built during. That's how intense alcoholism is. Alcohol was outlawed in the 20s and alcoholics were like, all right, well, grab a shovel. Like, there was no, like, I guess we're not going to drink anymore. Like, grab a shovel. We're building a tunnel. Like, what? Like, we'll live like rats if we have to. We're not doing this life sober. Like, I mean, they literally say, like, alcoholics hit rock bottom and keep digging. Like, they literally start digging tunnels. Like, I don't know. Look, I'm a gal. I've been a teenager. You really never stop being a teenager. Life is just keeps being high school in different iterations. So skin never stops being an issue with your confidence. Like, I still get zits. Even if, like, you know, you have a kid, you get hormonal, you still have zits. I tried to do the thing where I use one of those stickers to cover it. Like a. It's like a little star sticker. I was like, look at me. I just have, like, the star sticker over my. My face. You can't. That doesn't work. You can't just cover your zits with. With stickers. At my age, people are just like, are you okay? Like, it's not. It's gonna get me into, like, a conservatorship with Britney's dad. But look, if you want your skin to look good, you do have to use expert care with it. That's why I love apostrophe. They make it easy to get personalized dermatology treatments tailored exactly to your skin's needs. Apostrophe connects you with a team of expert dermatology providers who create customized treatment plans for everything from acne to ant aging concerns. Like, I have those Simply fill out an online consultation, upload a few selfies and let them handle the rest. 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And here's what makes Ritual stand out. Their delayed release design is gentle on your stomach and every bottle includes a citrus essence tab to make your multis a little more enjoyable so you're not burping up warf. Their dedication to transparency is what makes Ritual special. Every ingredient is traceable, tested, verified by third party certifications like the clean label project and non GMO project verified. When you're pregnant, knowing exactly what's in your supplements does matter. See for yourself. With 25% off your first month, visit ritual.com Whitney that's ritual.com Whitney for 25 off. Once you hit a certain age, you've been around long enough to see things that you held on to as a belief system be debunked and changed. Like I've been around long enough to see science change, you know. You know, surreal that is. You know how hard it is to believe in anything after science. The one thing that's like, this is true. It's science. That's what you learn that gets debunked. And you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I can't believe anything anymore. I mean, it's like I drank soy milk for 15 years. The science was, soy milk is healthy. This is what is good for you. For 15 years, I drank soy milk. All my friends were drinking soy milk because it was healthier. Now everybody has cancer. It's like all my girlfriends had to get their tits cut off. All my guy friends grew tits. Like I Was told drink eight glasses of water. All through high school, I would carry around a plastic. Sorry, it just is so dumb. A plastic water bottle all day. And it'd be outside. I'd have it in my car. I literally. They say now that like, you know, plastic water bot the water and it has microplastics in it. Because if it's sitting out in the hot sun, that's the worst thing. I would go to, like, you know, practice basketball or whatever it was. I would keep my plastic water bottle in the car. I remember getting back in and it being hot. I mean, like, how do you have my glasses? I mean, like, I probably would have been better off not drinking any water than eight glasses of the microplastic. I don't know, it's probably. Oh God, I drank so many microplastic. That's probably. I'm so shiny all the time. Who knows? Water, dude. How do you even get water, by the way? Like, how does anyone drink water? Do you know where I can get some water? Also though, on the same token, like, I drank out of a hose till I was 10. Like, can we stop? I remember the first time I went to Applebee's. They were like, you know, here's a water. I was like, what's this? What is this clear shit? Like, I like. I like some water. The murky stuff that makes you tie, tie. Like, what is. Like, everything's bad for us to a degree, I'm sure. But like, I'm at the point where nothing would surprise me. How about that? Is that being red pilled? I don't think so. I'm not saying, like, you know, the idea of just misinformation, which, by the way, it's. We've always had that people now being like, Whitney, you're spreading misinformation. Okay? That's all I got when I was a kid was misinformation. This is the. This is the most accurate, I think we've ever been with information as far as I'm concerned. My mom used to tell me that the ice cream truck was out of ice cream when it rang the bell. I was told as a kid to wait 30 minutes before going back into the pool so you don't get a stomach cramp. That's. I found out like two years ago that wasn't anything. I. I had friends over and they were eating and I was like, don't go in the pool. And they were like, that's a lie our parents told us, you idiot. What was that? I feel like a lot of the Lies we were told in rules were like, just a parent needing a break. I know someone. Her kids wanted to go to the beach, and she said, sorry, babe, the ocean's broken. Like, it's out of order. Like, there's just. There's. We've been getting misinformation our whole life. Do you remember the food pyramid? It was in our classroom, on the wall, there was, like, a food pyramid of all the stuff you're supposed to eat. There was, like, a couple fish, by the way, with eyeballs. That always felt very unnecessary and traumatic as a child, but it was, like, also, by the way, fish. We've now learned that they're chock full of mercury. So fish. Like, I don't know. It seems like a death wish. But the point is, a whole food group was cereal. Remember cereal? And I remember, like, yes, cereal's healthy, because I, like, ate Lucky Charms all day. And then later, you find out that the food pyramid was made by General Mills. Like, it was a. A General Mills joint. Do you blame me for having trust issues? I've just been. I've been hoodwinked a little too many times, you know? So there's a point where you just get old enough to have seen. You've seen science change. You've also seen history change. You know how surreal that is? History is facts. And then you see it change in front of you, and you're like, oh, history is just gossip. I can't really take that on. It destroys your whole paradigm. Like, I have a nephew, and if we're talking about, like, his homework or something, and he's like, you know, Thanksgiving. We'll bring that up. And I'm like, oh, yeah, Thanksgiving. Like, you know. And he's like, yeah, that massacre. And I'm like, huh? I learned that Thanksgiving was like, a fun dinner between the natives and the pilgrims. Like, they had a cornucopia. They had maize. You know, like, it was Christopher Columbus and Sacagawea. You know, they had a real will they, won't they? You know, there was that love story going on. He gave her a bunch of blankets. Like, at school, we had a mural on the wall. Okay. Of our cafeteria in gym. It was painted on the wall of pilgrims and natives. Like, having a. Having a real hoedown at the time. You don't think, like, I don't know, it's November, like, on the East Coast. Like, I feel like these two groups, people are not dressed for the same temperature. Like, I should have known then. You know, like, when you're a kid, you're like, yeah, the pilgrims traded beads for land. Like that feels like a pretty good deal. When you're a kid. Like, beads are your whole life because you're making bracelets. You're like, yeah. Wait, they had beads? Yeah. Of course. Take this hundred acres, you have a bead. Like it makes sense to a young girl who, you know, loves bracelets. You know, I don't know. Like, it just. And then you're a kid, you got to take off some days in school, so you don't really think much about it, you know, but now as an adult, you're like, I got. Got fair and square. Big textbook got me. You know, I don't. Because you're kind of like, it must be true. It's like in a book. Like, they weren't gonna like, print all this stuff without making sure it was true first. Like, it's just your default, like, I don't know. And then I don't know. Then there's the second round of it when you have a kid because you realize, like, I got. Got like so many things now. The health stuff. I mean, when I was a teenager, we. I mean, breakfast, lunch and dinner ate lays where they. They were called, I just think fat free potato chips and it said may cause diarrhea and like vitamin D deficiency. But you're just like, I used to think a Lester potato chips was like a normal meal, you know, because they told you that fat made you fat. How did that even get. How do we even get to that? Like, that's. It's just wild when the things that you held on to get debunked after a while. It's exhausting. And you stop believing anything in the first place. You're like, I'm not going to commit to this belief because it's just going to get debunked later and I'm going to feel like an idiot. You know, like, being cold gives you a cold. That was a big thing. Like people. Okay, then why do people do cold plunge now to get healthy? Like, which is it? Who perpetuated this? Being in the cold makes you cold. Who? Who? Who? Big scarf, big mitten. Who? Like, yeah, of course your body has to work harder to stay warm, so your immune system's gonna be a little chat. But you know that's not true. And like, sugar. They say sugar makes kids crazy and hyper. I mean, look, I'm sure it's not great for them. Like, I don't give my kids sugar, but, like, kids are crazy without sugar. Don't give Your kids sugar, they're still nuts. My son does not eat sugar or candy. And he bites at the vacuum cleaner. Like, we're not. Do you remember when they said sugar caused acne? So I was like, oh, my God, I'm eating too much sugar. That's what's causing my acne. When I was a teenager, so I wouldn't eat any sugar, but then it didn't even matter, so I couldn't eat sugar and I had acne. Eating candy would have at least been like, a bright spot to get through having acne, and I didn't even do that. Okay. And it's just like, I mean, acne, by the way, that's a whole other thing because we're so lied to about that too. And as a teenager, all you want is to, like, fix it, you know? And so I'm not eating sugar. I'm doing all the things it tells me to do. Which, by the way, I. I don't even know if you guys relate to this because now, like, you don't get. You don't have zits anymore, but you just put the stickers on them. Like, just star. Like a star pat like a little post it note to cover up your zit. When we were in high school, we all looked like garbage pail kids. Just fully oozing from the face, just magma, like, coming out of your chin. You're, like, squeezing zits in class, like, secretly. Like, then you would just, like, fill it with, like, white out. Like, the blood was like. Oh, God. I mean, we were. We all just, like, had a stigmata. I mean, it's so. Oh, the. Does the. Of course we were willing to just put any chemical on. I mean, I would put toothpaste on my zeds and then cover it with like, makeup from like a Rite Aid or something like, wet and wild. Make, like. No wonder we all have so much brain damage. I don't know. I was. Look, I was a real looker in high school. I also. I had clear braces. Like, that's. If you. You want to know like, who. I mean, think of. Think of how insecure you have to be and delusional to be. Like, I want the clear ones. Well, how did I end up. Why did anyone even let me do this? Because first of all, there's no such thing as clear braces. Okay? That's not. They're never clear. The. Whatever color the food was that you just ate. It's also, you know, that clear braces, you have to keep them on longer for whatever reason. I Was like, yeah, I'd rather have them on longer. I'd rather them, like, not really work than be visible. Even though these are totally. What did I think I was getting away with? I know I'm rambling. It's just there's a lot of things that I feel like, fried my brain, you know, like the acne thing. I mean, I was on Accutane twice. You don't think that left a mark? Like, between the Accutane, the baby powder, drinking from a hose in West Virginia? Like, I feel like it's a miracle that I'm not one of the people with Tourette's on that new TLC show. Which, by the way, have you seen this reality show? It's about this, like, cute girl who has Tourette's. I find this very upsetting, mostly because this girl is stealing my actor tissue, chicken. And scene off. That is verbatim my second Comedy Central special. But I don't know, like, Accutane. Like, I never really read the warnings on Accutane. You know, it did have. It did say, like, may cause suicidal tendencies. You're like, okay, fine. Worth it. Having a zit is making me suicidal. I mean, I'm a girl in high school, you know, with clear braces that are. Look like mustard at this point. Like, I'm not on the packaging. I remember for Accutane, it was like, it was a pregnant woman and then an assign. Like, the red. No thing over the pregnant woman. Like, don't take this while pregnant or the baby will be deformed. And you're like, all right, glug, glug. Like, why? Like, if that feels like a. It's not ready to be on the market yet. That feels like it's not. We're not there yet with this product. But, like, I took it for six months twice. There's. I mean, here's what I'll say. I do have pretty good skin. I think it's worth the new twitch that I get every couple. Sometimes, like, my aisles are twitching and I'm like, accutane twice. You got me. I have a hot take. Let teenagers have acne. Is that okay? Like, I know you make a lot of money off them being insecure and buying all these products, but, like, maybe we should all just go, let's let teenagers have acne. They're not going to need the Accutane. That's poisonous. And they're not going to need the birth control. Nature worked this out already. What if teenagers having acne was nature's way of deterring pedophiles. I'm just. I don't know. I. I think we could all get behind making teenage girls a little uglier. Am I wrong? Why are. That's the funniest thing I think you've ever said. It's a new year. Many of us have health goals we're ready to tackle. For me, well, look, it's to get out of Los Angeles because the air is chocolate full of ash. But also, staying healthy doesn't mean giving up the foods that I want to eat. That's why I'm obsessed with Hero Bread. Whether it's sliced bread, bagels, tortillas or dinner rolls, Hero Bread gives you the delicious, fluffy experience you love without the guilt. Hero Bread products are ultra low in net carbs, they contain zero grams of sugar and they're super high in fiber, from avocado toast to cozy grilled cheese sandwiches. I'm a mom now. I make them all the time. Herobred fits perfectly into any meal. And you know what? You'd never guess that it's low net carb because the texture is so soft and satisfying. When I'm making healthier choices while still enjoying my favorites, Herobred makes that possible. Get 10% off your first order by going to Hero Co and using Code Whitney at checkout. That's Hero H E R O CO C O promo Code Whitney. We've all done it. We pushed off going to the doctor because it felt like too much of a hassle. Going to the doctor is a nightmare. We all know this. Okay. ZocDoc is genius. ZocDoc is a free app and website that helps you find and book in network doctors in your area with ease. From mental health professionals. I don't need those. To primary care doctors, dentists and specialists. Zocdoc has you covered. You can search for doctors who take your insurance, are nearby and are highly rated by verified patients. Best part? You can see their real appointment availability and book instantly. You don't have to wait on the phone and like listen to Anya for two and a half hours and then go in three months later. I've even found same day appointments using zocdoc. It is the ultimate convenience for busy people like us who just need things to be simple and quick. Stop putting off those appointments. Go to Zocdoc.com Whitney to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's Zocdoc. Z O C-O C.com Whitney I just feel the need to explain to people who are like Whitney's changed or why is she thinking about this? I just, I also, like, I got my heart broken enough times by men. Yeah, fine. That's like, it's more like when you get your heart broken when some, when something like that you deeply loved a person. Not even a, like, relationship, a boyfriend, girlfriend, like someone that was the light of your childhood. Okay. I grew up around alcoholics. TV was my escape. It was my, oh, my God, if I only had that family. And you have to understand, like, if the Cosby show was your favorite show, you'll never be the same again. Like, we joke about Bill Cosby a lot. Fine. But, like, actually, I don't even know if this next generation, you guys find out that people are creeps so fast, that you never lived with the delusion that someone was like a good person for too long. Right? I mean, I guess it still happens, but like, Bill Cosby was my hero for like 25 year more maybe. I don't know. When. I don't know. It's like you don't know what it's like to have one of your heroes, the true north of the type of family you wanted and the type of relationship you wanted and the type of man that you wanted to be married to and to have be your dad. All of it, like, outed as a complete serial psychopath. It's like, you guys, I don't know, some of you might remember, like, he was the jello guy. Like, he would make jello. He was the, what do you. The face of Jello. Whatever. Like, and you find out that guy is like, like making women corpses for a couple. Like, it's a. It does a number on the soul, you know? And after that, there's something in you. You can't really have hope after that. This might sound dramatic, but I'm just trying to do recon on all the. The ways that my psyche has been chipped away at and why now I'm kind of just like, eff it, you know, Like, I don't want this next generation of people to have to go through that. Like, it's one thing to have your own parents be disappointments, but when you're just like, like the thing that you held on to is your, you know, it's really kind of earth shattering, you know, but by the way, I egg on my face, I. I was maybe too young at the time, but if you really look back at the Cosby show, if you were over like 15, 16, you should have known there was something off about Bill Cosby. Like, no one Thought it was weird that he was a gynecologist that worked out of his basement. Did you notice that? Like. Like, I think I just thought he was, like, a doctor, like, who delivered babies. I was too young to really put it together, but, like, a scene would start where he'd be walking up the stairs, like, taking off plastic gloves, like, walking into the living room, like, all right, well, just delivered that baby. Like, what? Hold on. His delivery room is in his basement. Like, it. The fact that, like, 200 people on that set, no one was like, is this a little, like, can't you be like any other kind of doctor? I don't know. But still, I think that things have chemically impacted my brain over time. But then also, like, the emotional impact of things like that, which I haven't had time to really unpack. I'm in a place where I'm just like, maybe I'm wrong about that. Of course, we don't get to simultaneously think we're right about everything and then say everything's fake news. Which is it? So if all the news is fake, then how could you possibly be right about everything? You know? I mean, my thing is, like, the news is fake, so I'm an idiot. How would I know anything if everything's fake, you know? So I think this is also the year that I'm going. Like, I don't think I've ever known anything, let's be honest, you know? So that's kind of the place I'm in. I'm kind of in the market for some facts and belief systems, you know? And the Cosby thing did capsize my reality. Like, once the Cosby thing happened, I was kind of like, anything I hold dear to me, truth wise, could be untrue. Like, I get like. I'm literally like, yeah, the moon landing. There's something fishy about that. Like, yeah, for sure. Like, I don't. I don't know if we landed on the moon. Like, but it is funny to me that the moon landing is really what divides us as a country, you know? I don't know. But my take on the moon thing is actually that this is a hot take. I just don't care. Is that weird? Like, it makes no difference to me if they went or not. I know. Look, and aliens, yes, that's important. Like, I think aliens are a guy thing. Guys are obsessed with aliens. And, I don't know, a lot of women that are like, are the aliens here. It's. You know, guys are obsessed with aliens because, like, when they come you're who has to fight them. Like, I get why you guys are obsessed with aliens because you need to figure out, like, what skills you need to protect us from them. Because when the aliens come, we're like, whoop, I'll be upstairs. Like, you can go handle that. Like, but, like, I don't think about aliens, you know? Like, I don't know. I know. There's also a lot of things that our country has had to pretend to do to, like, make Russia and China think twice about blowing us up. And I'm so pro that I'm like, government. Whatever you need to do to, like, go for it like that, this is not. I don't think that telling the truth about our vulnerabilities is the way to go. I don't feel like, you know, when you get to the top of whatever, you know, agencies protecting America, I don't think the strategy is to be authentic and to embrace our imperfections. That's like Instagram self help nonsense. I'm like, military. Whatever you need to do to keep the psychopaths to stop nuking us. Like, I'm going to defer to you on that. I can admit that. That's not my expertise. You know, Like, I don't. Whatever you need to do. Carb make cardboard tanks, drones over New Jersey so they know we have, I don't know, fake a moon landing. Fine, do that. I don't care. Do what you have to do. You know, I'm also one of the few people that believes that there's actually, like, competent people in the military and competent people in our intelligence agencies. Like, yeah, of course there's criminals everywhere. But, like, I don't know. I. I think they're smart ones. And I do think there's a lot of things that, that we just shouldn't know. Like, they know we shouldn't. They're like, if we tell Americans this, like, chaos will ensue. Like, there's certain things that we're just not capable of being able to know without losing our minds. Like, the prime example of this was that radio show. It was called War of the Worlds. It was, I don't know, in the 20s or something, and it was about aliens landing and a bunch of people just started losing their minds. I think that we learned from that. Like, you can't just tell, like, you know, 300 million people, there's aliens without it. Just a lot of people completely self destructing, you know, I don't know. I mean, look, I'm sure that they're like, we Would love to tell you guys what the drones are, but you were wearing masks in your car during COVID so, like, we would love to tell you more about the alien situation, but you guys, you have Katy Perry dancing at political rallies with cupcakes on her tits. Like, I don't know. We'd love to tell you more stuff, but 500,000 of you rode in Hoktua when you voted. 300 of you died taking selfies last year. I just. I don't think you're ready. I don't know, guys. The biggest show of last year was suits. I don't think you're ready. We're waiting for you guys to be ready, to be able to process the kind of information we have. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know who decides it. You know, I don't know. It's like, around my dog, I can't say the word leash or he'll concuss himself trying to get out the door. There's certain things I can't say around my dog. There's certain things that our government can't say around us or tell us. I don't know. But the moon landing, I am kind of obsessed for some reason. It's like in the Zeitgeist, you know? I would find it way more impressive if we did fake the moon landing. It's just my take. Like, if the moon landing was shot on a Hollywood soundstage, I feel like we would have heard about it in the MeToo movement. Like, someone would have come out of her grave and been like, I was uncomfortable. Maybe we went to the moon and just didn't get the footage. There's also that the footage I've seen of the moon landing is. Is very ratchet. I mean, a lot of stuff may be fake, you know, and even if it is, like, whatever. But here's what I find funny if the moon landing is fake, is that it went so well that they would have had to be like, okay, look, there's no way they're gonna buy that we've nailed every one of these landings, you know? So, like, people are gonna start questioning if this is real or not. So in order for people to think that this space travel we're doing is real, we're gonna have to do a fake crash, too. We need to show one mission fail on purpose. So they keep thinking it's real. Too many real ones look shady. And everyone gets there and they're like, hey, guys, we have good news and we have bad news. The good News is there's no chance you will die on this mission. The bad news is we are going to fake a crash, and we need you to pretend that you did die, and you have to go into hiding forever. But the great news is you might meet Tupac down there faking your death. That's where I really. I don't. I can never fake my death. I don't think that artists can fake their deaths. Like, we have too much to say. We need to be seen. Too much. You know, there's no way. That's why I think, like, there's no way Tupac is alive. Like, he's got too much to say. You know, he wouldn't be able to. You think that he's in some bunker and was able to tolerate Iggy Azalea rapping at the Grammys. He would have come out if he was faking his death. That's when he would have been like, it's an. It's enough. It is funny to think about, like, what would make Tupac come out if he was in hiding? I feel like it was like, Chet Hanks once. You saw, like, Chet Hanks rapping in patois. He'd be like, all right, I've had enough, guys. I can't take it anymore. I am an investigative journalist. I am very interested in the stories we tell ourselves to try and fabricate a modicum of sanity and control in this world. And I'm obsessed with hearing people's conspiracy theory. It's not the only thing I do. I'm not trying to spread them. Like, I'm not. I make fun of them. If you look at the stuff that I put out, it's usually me making fun of conspiracy theorists, saying that they're idiots. But I don't know, man. I don't know. It's a weird thing that. But also, like. Like being dismissed as a conspiracy theorist, like, that doesn't do anything to me. Because when you're a woman, you've already had that done to you in a different way. Like, men being like, conspiracy theory. Like, calling me a conspiracy theorist is invalidating. But I. Women have always had that. Now you know what it's like to be called crazy. That's what that is. It's like, the same thing. People like, you're crazy. You're crazy. Like, you're a conspiracy theorist. Same thing. Now you know how annoying it is when someone just, like, shuts you down and you're like, okay, now anything I say after this is going to, like, feed into that criticism. Also, like, if you don't want to, just go talk to someone else. You know, people have always been wrong, right? You just say, that's wrong. You wouldn't say, that's a. You're a conspiracy theorist. You'd be like, you're wrong. You're incorrect. Isn't every scientist, before they prove their hypothesis, a conspiracy theorist? Like, you know, like, I think that when kids use phones, it actually makes their attention span get shorter. And everyone's like, yeah, right. And then they prove it, and they're like, now it's just a true scientific fact. Like, I don't know. I just believe that people talking like that used to be the most interesting person at the party. I just believe I am at a place where I'm so humble to going. Like, even if I think something is true or know something is true, it is only because someone smarter than me told me. Like, I can't. Like, the beliefs that I hold so tight are only held tight because someone smart told them to me. And even if I think someone's wrong about something, I'm guessing people are like, helen Keller wasn't blind. She wasn't deaf. I'm like, yes, she was. And I'm like. And I would know that because why? I've read all the books. I've. I watched the movie. Like, how? Like, I don't have any proof either. It's just that we believed this for a while, and I don't think we can undo this right now. You know what I mean? I think. I think you know what it is. I think it's also more the disgust that, like, why would you spend your time on this? Like, there's a little bit of, like, people. I get it. When someone's like, helen Keller wasn't blind. I'm like, I can't unpack Helen Keller right now. You know what the solution is between conspiracy theory people and the people, the people that accuse people of being conspiracy theorists and the conspiracy theorists that think the people that are asleep, that don't is just. I think we all just need to get comfortable saying, I don't know. Like, we don't know. I don't know if Holland Color was blind or not. That's the sanest sentence of all of this. I don't know if she was blind. I. I probably. The bigger question is just like, why do you give a shit? Like, you can't sleep at night knowing that a woman flew a plane 100 years ago. Like, it's just eating you up. You need Amelia Earhart to be trans. Like, why. Why do you need this? I don't. It is interesting. Like the. The what do you need to believe? Or like, what is the belief that you're capsizing to accept the new one? So when people like Avril Lavigne is. She's. She's been replaced by someone else. And you're like, why? And you're like, look at her. She doesn't age. And you're like, you. It's more likely to you that a pop star perished and was replaced with a clone than the idea that a woman looks good at 40. Like, that. You cannot hold that. Avril Lavigne still looks amazing. So you're like, well, she must be dead and she was replaced. Okay, you need to believe that. Fine. Anyway, I'm now just fully rambling and I'm sweating, so I love you guys. Don't ride elephants. The podcast studio is going to undergo some changes right now. Kind of under construction. Love you. Don't ride elephants. Goodbye.