Elizabeth Holmes is back, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Christmas and the Bad is the New Good

Summary

Podcast Summary: Good For You – "Elizabeth Holmes is back, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Christmas and the Bad is the New Good"

Release Date: May 17, 2025

Host: Whitney Cummings
Episode Theme: A humorous and critical take on recent events in Hollywood, Elizabeth Holmes' resurgence, and societal shifts in entertainment preferences.

---

Introduction

Whitney's Opening Monologue ([00:01])

Whitney kicks off the episode with her signature humor, lampooning the return of Elizabeth Holmes to the spotlight. She quips, “DuPont. I'm going to keep bringing it up,” blending comedy with sharp criticism of Holmes' legacy and her impact on the tech industry.

---

Section 1: Elizabeth Holmes’ Return

Forgiving Elizabeth Holmes ([00:44])

Whitney expresses a mix of amusement and skepticism about Elizabeth Holmes' comeback, stating, “Elizabeth Holmes is back, and we're gonna forgive her. Okay, if you're mad at Liz Holmes, you don't,” highlighting her disdain juxtaposed with a comedic forgiveness.

Holmes' New Venture ([52:43])

The conversation delves into Holmes' new diagnostics company, with Whitney sarcastically praising, “She invented Theranos. Yeah. That's every Silicon Valley company,” criticizing the repetitive and deceptive nature she perceives in Silicon Valley startups.

Racial and Gender Commentary ([58:06])

Whitney touches upon underlying societal issues, mentioning, “There's a lot of racism in the world, a lot of sexism, ageism. But the thing we need to talk about within white privilege, okay, Is blonde privilege,” using satire to discuss privilege and superficial judgments.

---

Section 2: The State of Modern Entertainment

“Bad is the New Good” ([07:09])

Whitney critiques the quality of contemporary movies, asserting, “ChatGPT will make movies that are good. Good's over. Good is replaceable. Bad is where the money is.” She humorously laments the decline in storytelling quality, citing examples like “Christmas in the Spotlight” and “Cocaine Bear.”

Overthinking in Filmmaking ([08:53])

She continues, “They're listening to us again. They weren't listening before,” pointing out how Hollywood now caters to fleeting trends and controversies rather than genuine storytelling.

Authenticity and Role Models ([36:53])

Whitney addresses the modern obsession with authenticity, stating, “We don't have role models anymore,” and suggests adopting behaviors from beloved movie characters as a coping mechanism in a chaotic world.

---

Section 3: Advertising Segments

LifeLock Promotion ([00:01]-[00:30])

The episode begins with an advertisement for LifeLock, emphasizing identity protection with Whitney's comedic twist: “The amount of energy that is freed up in your brain in the summer when you don't have to worry about the pubes on your big toe having grown out. That's Theranos, baby.”

Cash App Endorsement ([23:17]-[24:28])

Whitney and Pat discuss Cash App’s resurgence, humorously noting, “Cash App is like Coke or Pepsi,” and promote its ease of use with a playful jab at their own promotional mishaps.

Paired App for Couples ([26:01]-[27:00])

Promoting relationship-building through the Paired app, Whitney jokes about her own relationship struggles: “It's cute. For a love that lasts,” blending sincere promotion with her comedic insights on maintaining relationships.

Squarespace Sponsorship ([43:46]-[48:50])

Whitney recounts a humorous interaction with Squarespace regarding an overlong ad segment. She ultimately praises Squarespace’s ease of use with a light-hearted endorsement: “If you want to launch a business, a portfolio, a stage, store, or blog, Squarespace makes it stupid easy.”

---

Section 4: Social Commentary and Cultural Critique

Main Character Syndrome ([37:30]-[41:03])

Whitney explores the concept of "main character syndrome," encouraging listeners to emulate the positive traits of movie protagonists: “Cast yourself as the cool person in a movie and just do what they would do.”

Impact of Technology and Social Media ([80:27]-[81:05])

The discussion shifts to the pervasive influence of technology and social media on personal behavior, with Whitney sarcastically lamenting, “How do I bring it from the water place to my mouth?” highlighting the absurdities of modern conveniences.

Satirical Take on Hair and Stereotypes ([58:11]-[70:17])

Whitney uses humor to discuss societal stereotypes based on hair color, particularly blonde versus brunette dynamics, blending personal anecdotes with sharp social observations: “Blondes are kind of a problem and no one will address it.”

---

Conclusion

Final Thoughts and Wrap-Up ([80:27]-[81:05])

Whitney wraps up the episode by circling back to Elizabeth Holmes, blending critique with comedic praise: “We love it. I'm just saying...Liz Holmes is Mommy Mommy to the max. She's Mommy, Mommy.” The episode ends on a humorous yet critical note, leaving listeners with plenty to ponder about fame, authenticity, and societal values.

---

Notable Quotes

• Whitney on Elizabeth Holmes’ Motivation ([00:30])

  “The only way to win these days is to create a problem that doesn't exist and then solve it with a device that doesn't work.”

• Whitney on Modern Movies ([07:09])

  “ChatGPT will make movies that are good. Good's over. Good is replaceable. Bad is where the money is.”

• Whitney on Authenticity ([36:53])

  “We don't have role models anymore. No one's modeling morality.”

• Whitney on Elvis-like Fame ([70:17])

  “Theranos baby. Liz Holmes is back, and we're gonna forgive her.”

---

Final Thoughts

In this episode, Whitney Cummings masterfully blends humor with sharp social critique, dissecting the resurgence of Elizabeth Holmes, the declining quality of modern entertainment, and the chaotic influence of technology and societal expectations. Through witty banter and keen observations, Whitney offers listeners both laughs and thoughtful reflections on the current state of fame, authenticity, and cultural values.

---

Subscribe to "Good For You" on YouTube for more engaging and insightful episodes every week.

Transcript

[Whitney Cummings]

This episode is brought to you by Lifelock. Not everyone is careful with your personal information, which might explain why there's a victim of identity theft every five seconds in the U.S. fortunately, there's LifeLock. LifeLock monitors hundreds of millions of data points a second for threats to your identity. If your identity is stolen, a US based restoration specialist will fix it, guaranteed or your money back. Save up to 40% your first year by visiting lifelock.com podcast terms apply the amount of energy that is freed up in your brain in the summer when you don't have to worry about the pubes on your big toe having grown out. That's Theranos, baby. Liz Holmes is back and we're gonna forgive her. Okay, if you're mad at Liz Holmes, you don't. You don't get it. You don't understand winner mentality. The only way to win these days is to create a problem that doesn't exist and then solve it with a device that doesn't work. I'm gonna take Pink Pony Club off my workout jams playlist. Just in time for me to go to Las Vegas on May 25th. I will be at the. Look, I don't know why I'm at the Venetian Palazzo on a Sunday night at 10pm I just. This is what I get for responding to an email. They're like, do you want to do Vegas? I'm like, yes. I violated every boundary I have, every molecule of integrity I have left. And I responded to an email. You know, I don't do that.

[Pat]

Tuesday morning at Caesar's Palace.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm like, what happened? Like, why am I. I'm sorry, did Chris Angel's Ghost Brothers show cancel? Why am I on at 10pm on a Sunday in Las Vegas? Who. Who is available in Las Vegas Sunday at 10:00pm? You know, the. The whole.

[Pat]

Is it a holiday weekend? Is Monday a day off? And that's why it's good for Sundays.

[Whitney Cummings]

Pat, I don't care about holidays. You know, holidays are for dorks.

[Pat]

But, like, people will party in Vegas on a Sunday night if Monday is a day off work.

[Whitney Cummings]

The people whose Groupon, like, they didn't read the fine print. Yeah, it's all.

[Pat]

They didn't get the Carrot Top fast enough.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's all Sunday night. Vegas people are the ones that didn't read the Groupon fine print. They thought it was Saturday, but it was Saturday at 12:01, so it was actually the next day that they had the room. They just didn't get it. I don't know. Anyway, so Go to church on Sunday in Vegas and then come see me Sunday night at 10pm I don't know if I'm available for this, Joe.

[Pat]

Will you be. Will you be attending?

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't know. I'm going to go to the show, just see who's performing. I can't wait to see what you guys do when I am mentally incapable of performing on a Sunday night in Las Vegas. Then I'm gonna come to Canada on July 18th, Halifax, Canada, on the August 9th, Calgary. On the 24th. September 5th, I'm gonna be at the Ridgefield Playhouse. We're doing two shows and I'll probably getting Lyme disease there. If I am able to make it to Huntington the next night with said Lyme disease. That'll be on the 6th. Then Vancouver, Canada. 9-12-19th, Norfolk, Virginia. Richmond, Virginia. On the 19th, Toronto, Ontario. October 4th. That's just Toronto, Canada. Toronto, Canada.

[Pat]

Provinces matter.

[Whitney Cummings]

When I say Toronto, Canada, is that like saying Santa Monica, America?

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Instead of Santa Monica, California?

[Pat]

Yes.

[Whitney Cummings]

Thanks, Pat. Pat just went to Paris, Texas. I was gonna say hullabaloo. He went to Holland and now he thinks he's so international. Then Balt. Fayetteville, Arkansas. Hot Springs, Arkansas. Reading, Pennsylvania. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Fort Lauderdale in New Orleans. Welcome to the program. I'm very excited to talk to you guys today. Usually every week I'm a little bit like, oh, what am I gonna talk about? Am I get in trouble? But this is my week. Th. This is my week. This is my week. First of all, Pat is here. And, and yes, he was not expecting to be forced to be on camera. And he is wearing a Pee Wee Herman shirt where Pee Wee Herman is wrapped in duct tape. For people like, over 40, that's pee wee Herman wrapped in duct tape. For anyone else watching the show, Pat is just a psychopath and it's just a man in a bow tie who has been wrapped in tape. That's my favorite thing about certain ages. So, you know, like, like there's a meme of Michael Jackson eating popcorn in a movie theater when he was younger. So if you're 25, 30, that's not what Michael Jackson looked like when you were alive.

[Pat]

Whenever anybody asks me who this is, I go read a book.

[Whitney Cummings]

Stupid. So it's my Rum Springer. I. I was online just, you know, scrolling, like throughout the week, I'll like text Pat wild stuff to be like, should we talk about this kind of thing? And then I went a little rogue in the algo on Sunday on the tarmac. Coming back from Knoxville and Here's the thing. I know everyone makes fun of me for not having YouTube Premium. And I'm sorry to our YouTube rep that I don't. But every now and then you get an ad that you wouldn't have seen otherwise. Okay? I love ads. I love commercials. I love watching them. I love analyzing the casting. I love, like, oh, yeah, you thought those two would be a couple we bought. Like, I love commercials are so bonkers. Insane at this point. I just. So anyway, if you have YouTube, you're not gonna see what's going on out there in the streets.

[Pat]

You're paying to get less.

[Whitney Cummings]

You're paying to get less entertainment. Okay, I like, I'm an edger. If I'm gonna watch a podcast on YouTube and it's 3 o' clock, I wanna see it at like 3:45, 4. You know what I mean? I don't wanna see it right then. Cause then I've seen it. Okay? It's like you go to a movie and you see all the trailers and that's the best part. Last time I saw a movie, fool me once, I missed the trailers and had to see the movie. It was a nightmare to sit there. Oh, I was bored out of my mind. It was the one, the Civil War one. Oh, God. And then I missed the trailer for Zelda. I know, dumb. So I saw a trailer for a new movie that is coming out. You might have to look up what it's called because. I don't know, because I'm too excited about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. This is a scripted movie that is coming out on Lifetime and I think it's out. I tried to buy it because I.

[Pat]

Don'T rent Christmas in the Spotlight.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yep. On Lifetime, right?

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Is it out? Is it. Can we. You know what? Can we just watch it?

[Pat]

Yeah, let's see.

[Whitney Cummings]

Watch that. Can we watch that on this podcast? I'm not kidding. Let's dress up and watch Christmas in the Spotlight, the Taylor Swift Travis Kelce movie. You guys, this is what I live for. This is all. This is it. Do you remember when there was a To be. Oh, to be movie about the Amber Heard Johnny Depp trial came out before the actual trial verdict even came in. They wrote it, shot it, edited it.

[Pat]

And like three had an ending.

[Whitney Cummings]

Dude, they just cut to the actual. I. I refreshed the to be Paid. I was. I swear I was the first person to watch Call the company and ask them who was the first person. It was me from Canada where I was shooting a TV show. Dude, do you know, the amount of Adderall that has to be ingested in order to write, cast, costume, direct, edit and release a movie. This is. But this, you have to understand, this is how genius things are made. That's art right there. And I'm done with the overthinking and the writing and the rewriting. And there should be laws against rewriting truly anything. That's how bad movies happen, okay? They're like, do another pass. We're not rooting for the character. And why can't his brother be his friend? Why is it his brother not his friend? Why is she a scientist? Can't she work in a magazine? That's why every movie is bad, okay? This is a Christmas movie about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. Hollywood is back. They're listening to us again. They weren't listening before.

[Pat]

They're shooting their shot again.

[Whitney Cummings]

They went a couple years where it had nothing to do with making movies and it had nothing to do with what people wanted, right? It was like, I don't know. Can we make the, you know, protagonist, like, be in a wheelchair maybe? But can the mom be dead?

[Pat]

Because, you know, can a board game be a movie?

[Whitney Cummings]

Really? Can a. Can a battleship just be a movie? You know, saying. But it's like, oh, no, we really need you to make this character handicapped because our president of the company, let's be honest, he's a sexual predator. Can you just make the movie suck and pander to mentally ill, toxically compassionate, unemployed people on the Internet whose kink is superiority, and just make the love interest an amputee? Please. This is not how you make things. The best movies at this point are only written by egomaniacs on drugs who write things on mushrooms, on a bender while cheating on their wife at Big Bear. They send it in, that's it, and it's done. You don't get Snakes on a Plane from someone who keeps improving a script. Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift. That's our movie. America's Spoken. Okay? We're in a crisis right now in entertainment of overthinking it. Just in general. Everyone's overthinking everything. I think we have too much time. We save too much time. Amazon. We don't have to go to the store. The thing that the Postmates. Now. We have to. We need. We have too much time to think about stuff. We don't have enough real problems, so we make up fake problems. Honestly, the only people who will have jobs after next year are people who have the ability to make something bad. Listen, Chatgpt will make movies that are good. Good's over. Good is replaceable. Bad is where the money is. Listen to me. Listen to me. Cocaine bear. Christmas with the Kelsey's. What is it called? Christmas in the Spotlight. Okay? Homeboy. Mario Lopez did a movie. Pull it up because you're not going to believe me. Where he plays the guy from the chicken buckets. Kfc. Colonel Sanders. He plays Colonel Sanders. Listen, there was a movie about hot Cheetos that is. These are the classics. Dude, this is. ChatGPT would never think to do this. ChatGPT would never think to make Mario Lopez. Colonel Sanders. Isn't it called Kentucky Fried Cinema or something? A recipe for seduction. Chachi Beatty would never think of something that stupid, okay? The new business is bad stuff. The biggest movie right now is Showgirls, Period. The end. That's it. You have to understand what I'm saying. Glitter, Mariah Carey. This is what people want to watch now. Today. You can't make good things anymore. I'm trying to help you guys survive in this economy. I'm trying to keep you employed. Listen, best case scenario at this point where we are evolutionarily is that you are liked. Ironically, liking things is done. We're not. We can't. We don't like any. We can't. We don't. We've evolved past it. Hate watching something that's kind of all we have, right? Labyrinth is my favorite movie. They were, of course, on drugs. In the movie. You can literally see the dilated pupils of the puppeteers. Like, look, there's a. Behind the scenes of Labyrinth, you can see the guys like. Like doing the goblins and stuff. Dude, it is so funny. If they had spent a bunch of time on Labyrinth, they'd be like, wait, wait a minute. Should Jareth not be 40 and Sarah not be 15? Is that weird at all? You know, they'd be like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Should we tell the costumer to get David Bowie some underwear?

[Pat]

Or at least some stiffer pants?

[Whitney Cummings]

No. Thank God they were on drugs and they forgot. A sober perfectionist ruins that movie by putting underwear on David Bowie. And then what? And then what? No one would be gay now. I need you guys to really just hear me, okay? Bad is the new we're all trolls. We're all trolls. And the people that accuse other people being trolls. You're the number one. You're number one troll. You're trolling a troll. Think about that. This guy, this loser writes negative comments. I went to his profile and he says, girl, dad, What a scumbag. You're a troll. You're trolling a troll. That is the only thing weirder than a troll trolling a normal person. All right? We don't want to like anything. We don't want hope. We don't want to be inspired. Movies were trying to inspire us and trying to. It's done. Mario Lopez in a white goatee. This is what we want. Movies cannot understand that. There's no stories anymore about love. We're not. We don't buy it. Stop and try and inspire us to fall in love. It's sick. Movies about love, they ruin. They broke us. They broke society. They. They. They're toxic. Like, remember for, like, 15 years, the main Act 2 twist would be that a man would just show up at his girlfriend's job after he, like, cheated on her or something. For years. I'd be at work, and a guy would just show up at my job and be like, I want you back. I'm like, I'm literally at work. Like, I'm sorry. You went all the way to Lake Havasu with your ex and now you're at my job to get me back. No amount of coming to my work can undo Lake Havasu, all right? Now get out of my place of business. I'm trying to flirt with my boss. Also, did you just ask me to pick you up to drive you to my work to come and apologize? Movies. We do things we see in movies. That's the problem. You know what I'm saying? So we gotta stop with that. We gotta. Movies gotta stop with their propaganda that we all gotta fall in love. It's hateful. It's sick. A man cheated on Halle Berry. Why does nobody talk about this? People ask me all the time. They're like, why are you so negative about love? Because Halle Berry got cheated on. It happened to all of us. Tiger woods happened. Could have had any model. He had a Swedish angel whose thighs didn't touch. Then a side chick, then another side chick, then another one and another one. Up to 18 side chicks literally and figuratively had 18 holes. And you want me to just fall in love with someone? That's sick. I'm good. This. That's when I think I. We all, as a society, broke. I like looking back and going, oh, when did things change? It was then. All right, I'm out. Kentucky Fried Seduced. What's it called again? I just want Kentucky Fried Seduction.

[Pat]

Bucket of Lopez.

[Whitney Cummings]

Bucket of a breast of Lopez. I don't know.

[Pat]

Recipe for seduction.

[Whitney Cummings]

Recipe for seduction. It's so funny. We don't use typewriters anymore. We don't use horse and carriage. Unless New York tourism grows puke. We don't do use leeches for medicine, but we still do. Like love. Love was. That was for when our life Expectancy was literally 35 years old. You'd meet the person at 20, you'd marry them. By 30, you'd be like. Like, I don't. But then they start dying around then. She'd be like, oh, we got to get the quill pen and do the paperwork so I can get the orchard. That was. That was it. And then you'd be taking care of them when they had their disease, and then you'd catch their leprosy. And that was it. That was it. Right? Movies went too far with this. They tried to. They've tried to use that to get it. We got to switch. Even drug dealers know when to switch drugs that they're selling. You know what I'm saying? I know this because I've dated them all. Movies went too far with trying to be good. No one cares about the human condition. It sucks. Like filmmakers. Like, we're gonna show you the human condition only like filmmakers on sets. Are you confused? We know how. We know. Tell the people in foster care about how the human condition works. Like, we know, all right? And here's why. Movies are done. Because every person who a movie used to be made about is on Kill Tony. We get to see the trash collector who probably killed someone, talk about his time in the military and his addiction to catfishing people on stage at the comedy Mothership, and then we get to see him play arenas two weeks later. That's cinema, all right? I don't need to watch Timily Shameless pretend to be that guy. All the scary, complicated characters Carnegie Mellon theater nerds wanted to portray in cinema are now in the green room with the comedy Mothership. They're on my Instagram story. Like, you don't. We don't need any. The movie business has mostly been elitist. Insiders from New York and LA making movies about outsiders. Nepo babies with stay at home moms would make movies about a single mom in Arkansas who has to prostitute herself. Now we get to see that on Kill Tony every Monday night. The real version of it. Okay? We used to only see one type of person making movies about everyone else or what they thought everyone else was. But now everyone else has YouTube. You can just go right to them. It used to be like, Hollywood, make a movie about a guy who is Like a handsome renegade who relies only on his survival skills. And then he's in Kenya and he falls 16ft off of a rock. Right? Leonardo DiCaprio straight off. Or Oscar, but that's Bear Gryllis. We go to his YouTube. Okay? I think that the people that movies used to be based on got sick of being paid $40. Leonardo DiCaprio got paid 20 million. They were like, I have a GoPro. And my wife, I've broken her down mentally and brainwashed her enough into filming me 24 hours a day. Like, why am I going to loop in Will Smith's production company? Why am I paying Will Smith 50% of what I make? And then he punches my favorite comedian. Why am I driving out to Calabasas to meet with Will Smith's assistant's assistant to not get this thing made? I'll just film this myself on my ring camera and get 30 million hits on Twitter. Because Andrew Tate reposted me from prison. Like, that's Hollywood now. It used to be like, his. Am I going to get discovered? Am I going to go on the Tonight Show? It used to be like, is this casting director going to notice me at Harvey Weinstein's house? That was Hollywood. Is a music producer going to see me at a Diddy party and put me in a music video? That used to be what Hollywood was, but then you snitches ruined it. Now it's, is Andrew Tate going to retweet me in a state of rage from a Romanian prison? That's it. That's it. Taylor Swift, Travis Kelce movie, Christmas movie. I'm in. That's the best part. It's a Christmas movie. We're in May. It's a Christmas movie out now. Sick, dude. That's it. I love that. Time's done. We don't have time anymore. Like, time is done. Like, we can't even bank on it being May when it's maybe we don't even have that. We don't even have that. And you wonder why people don't know if we went to the moon or, like, I don't know if we went to the moon. Is the Earth flat? Time isn't even time anymore. We will wait for nothing. No one's waiting for anything any more. Am I being clear about this? We're not waiting. We're not waiting for our groceries. We're not waiting for our Starbucks. We're not gonna wait for our soulmate. Get out of here. We will marry the person we got pregnant at the office party and call It a day. We aren't waiting to get a divorce. We're on legal zoom. We're not waiting to watch a Christmas movie till Christmas. The meteor is coming. Stepsister porn is number one. Do you think we're gonna wait till December for Christmas to happen? A guy just got impaled on a fence at the Roman Coliseum. He didn't have time. He regrets nothing. 47 year old American, attempted. He lives in Taiwan. I guess he tried to climb over the fence in the Piazza del Colosseo and he felt he was skewered by the sharp metal bars in the fence. He was trying to take a photo. He might have a sick photo. Like honestly, photos of people right before they die of taking the photo is a genre I'm in that I would actually put my credit card details in. That's a subscription I can get behind. He had to get there. He woke up when the doctor was like, I can't believe you're alive. And he's like, take me back. I didn't get the shot.

[Pat]

How many likes?

[Whitney Cummings]

How many likes did I get? No, you have no blood cells left. Likes. Did I get the likes? By the way, this guy was 47. This wasn't a 22 year old influencer. We're in a rush. This guy had no time to go through the door to go to the Coliseum. You plan a vacation, you plan the trip. You get in line, you get on the. Sorry, just it. The idea that he was planning this trip for so long, it's. He gets on the plane, he says that they get to go, puts the film in the car, charges the phone and it's. This is when you cut the corner, like at the buzzer. We're in a rush. There is no time. By the way, what better way to celebrate the Roman. It's weird that we celebrate the Roman Colosseum. All they did was slaughter people. I mean, honestly, the Colosseum is doing what the Colosseum does best, which is just impale people. The fact that we go there and we're like the Colosseum animals, species of animals went extinct because of the Roman Colosseum. They used to put elephants in there with like six tigers in just eight hours.

[Pat]

It's work is not done.

[Whitney Cummings]

Now let's talk about money. Honey, Cat Cash app is back.

[Pat]

They're all coming back.

[Whitney Cummings]

They're all coming back to me now.

[Pat]

All the OGs.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay? There was a lot of brands that I was pretty sure me and my podcaster friends ruined by promoting them on our podcast. They bounced back Cash App being one of them. So Cash App managed to survive being promoted by me, Bobby Lee, and Tim Dillon. That's a good company if you can survive being endorsed by Andrew Santino, Whitney Cummings, Bobby Lee and Tim Dillon, the four people known to be the worst with Cash.

[Pat]

The Four horsemen of the apocalypse.

[Whitney Cummings]

And Cash Apps back, they bounce back. Cash App is. Is. Is having a resurgence in the zeitgeist. Actually, Cash App is like Coke or pep, not the drug. I mean, like, it's like. It's the thing. Cash App, it's like sodas, a Coke. Like, can I have a Coke?

[Pat]

Kleenex?

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, have a tissue, right? You guys nailed it. I love Cash App. Okay, so here's the deal. It's fast, it's safe, it's easy. You download it, you set it up with your phone or email. No bank account needed. See? Good. This is sick. Sending money to friends. Done. Handled in seconds. Do you have loser friends like me who spent all their money on Coachella tickets? Cash out makes it easy to keep those friends, to enable them to keep them making bad choices. Okay? No more awkward IOUs. That never happens. It never happens. Cash App even gives you personalized payment options. Add your own notes, emojis, and all your flourishes to make it fun, because paying someone back is fun. Plus it gives you security if something seems sketchy, if paying someone without a bank account seems sketchy, they'll flag it for you, okay? It's reliable. It's straightforward. It just. You guys, it just works. Here's the deal. For a limited time, new users can use our exclusive code. Download the Cash App. Sign up, Use referral code Whitney in your profile. Send $5 to a friend within 14 days, and you'll get $10 back. Finally, having a friend paid off for once. Cash App. Okay, look, sorry. Hey, guys. Relationships take work, and I won't do it. And that's why Pat's sitting in today for Chris. Pat is the only person I'll work.

[Pat]

On a relationship with willing to endure.

[Whitney Cummings]

Remember today I was like, I can't text during days when I'm writing the podcast. I can't. I. Relationships do take work, and I need to work on that about myself. But it's just that it's most relationship takes. It doesn't have to be boring. It doesn't have to be emotional. Enter Paired app. It's a relationship app that helps couples stay close and connected with just a few minutes a day. You both download the app, you pair together, and you get daily prompts, questions, game, and Quizzes. You know what? I. I'm gonna do this. Truly, right now. I'm not even. I'm actually not joking because once you get a little bit older, you don't know what to ask people. I don't know what to ask Chris.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, I don't know where to start. Like, I'm so rusty and weird and I don't. I. I don't remember much.

[Pat]

You need someone to tee you up.

[Whitney Cummings]

He doesn't remember much, so you know what I mean?

[Pat]

Yeah, you don't.

[Whitney Cummings]

And also, what if I don't like his answer?

[Pat]

Well, he better have an app that helps him with his answer.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, what if I'm. Like what? Like, I'm so afraid because my point of view on stuff is always so off that like. Like, what do you think about this? Just don't tell me because there's. I'm going to have to argue about it. I'm. I'm no joke. I'm getting this and I'm gonna start sending this because we've run out of things to talk about. We're really. We're really kind of. What is it? Paired. Can I get my discount? Paired. Paired app. All right. Paired app for couples. There it is. Cute. For a love that lasts. I'm. I'm genuinely getting this. Start strengthening your relationship today in a fun, easy way. Head to paired.com Whitney Am I allowed to do my own thing if anyone Slash Whitney. To get a 7 day free trial and 25 off the subscription. This. Even if you do end up paying for this without the code, it saves you money in divorce fees. Right? P A I r e d.com Whitney Here we go. Ah, look. Welcome. Good for you fans. Look at us. Cute. Connect with your partner. I'm going to do it. I'm serious. I. We're in a. We're in a lull. And I'm going to fix it. Fight. But I need to get wi fi first because also, if I'm going to be. You don't want to go back out there. You probably are. Like, I don't know. We've been together for four years. Trust me. Whatever it is, just resuscitate it with the parrot app. There's nothing better out there. Men in Asia are mirroring pillows. They know. They know what's up. There's no time to make a movie, much less shoot the movie, much less wait till Christmas to watch the movie. All right? Ever since porn stopped having storylines, we all just go up to Act 3. We don't. We can't we don't want Act 1. We don't want Act 1. We don't want Act. We don't need Act 1. Oh, okay. He's a divorce attorney who's incapable of intimacy. I know you didn't need to set that up. Just put a man in the shot and we know he's incapable of intimacy. Just go to the part where Cindy Sweet. And he runs down the stairs in the bathing suit. I'm busy. I'm busy. I'm too busy. Saving time. Okay? I'm busy. We're all slammed. Saving time. I can't do this right now. I don't have time for your movie. Setting up the character. I need to go download Postmates and track my Amazon driver and call the airline because I saved so much time getting the ticket online and my TSA Pre is expired, so I need to save time by renewing my TSA Pre so I never have to wait in the long line. But in order to do that, I have to schedule an appointment at the airport where I wait three hours so I can save five minutes in two months. I don't have time for any of this, okay? I'm busy saving time. All right? You think I'm gonna wait till Christmas to watch a Christmas movie? If you think that is the, you have another thing coming, all right? Christmas is the only thing anyone has left. It's the only thing anyone has to look forward to anymore is literally fighting with our families around a slowly dying tree and giving them presents we can't afford and that they don't deserve. That is the brightest spot in our lives at this point. The businesses that understand that Christmas is all we have to hold onto are the ones that will survive. This is why the Honey Baked Ham store is open all year round. That's the only business that won't get replaced by AI because they get it. AI would never make a store that sells a holiday.

[Pat]

Delectable.

[Whitney Cummings]

Delectable. I literally am like, what do you call that? All year round. AI would be like, that's dumb. Because they don't understand, okay? They. You guys, Lifetime Hallmark Honey Bay Cam store. They understand the only reason anyone keeps going is because they look forward to a holiday that happens once a year that's never gone well. But that's. That's it. We run as humans on delusions about Christmas all year. That's what keeps us going, all right? We make money. We work hard all year to be able to afford the scooter that will shred our son's knee clear off the Bone on December 26th. This is all we have to look forward to. We should only make Christmas movies that don't make any sense, frankly. Let me say this again in a different way. Movies, they have to stop making sense, all right? We're in a mental health crisis, and it needs to be matched with art that is so bad that insane people think it makes sense if a storyline makes sense. A mentally ill person, everyone, now, they don't know what's going on. Like, have you known anyone recently who just goes to a movie? Like, I don't get it. And you're like, yeah, because it made sense. Of course I didn't get that mov. The movie was dumb.

[Pat]

You're like, yeah, because it wasn't Christmas at all.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. Yeah, because they stayed together at the end. I know. It's confusing, okay? Why would they say I love you? Okay, dude, that movie was. Didn't make any sense, okay? He said, I love you, and she said it back. You have to lean into what actually brings us comfort. Violence and horror doesn't work anymore. That used to be our cozy comfort zone, but now we're too desensitized. Right? We've seen live war footage on Twitter. We've seen helicopters drop out of the sky in New York City during the day. No. Why are we talking about that every morning? I already forgot. Honestly, I assumed it was fake. The default is like, they don't exist. We can't keep trying to evoke emotion from people who lack the ability to feel. Art is about playing on the heartstrings of people. There's no heartstrings left. We. We're so mentally numb. That entertainment, it just needs to be pure confusion, like a visual puzzle. Like, the only thing that entertains anyone now is like, wait, did they mean to release this version? Is this the right version? They're like, I'm gonna watch this movie because I heard the actress did her own wardrobe. That's why people watch. Wait, I gotta. I gotta watch this. I gotta watch. It ends with us. Because it's evidence in a court case, and my kink is the law. I want to participate in a court case. We watch movies only if they are evidence in a court case involving Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift is being subpoenaed. I gotta watch this movie. So they'll only watch it if it's evidence in a court case that Taylor Swift may testify in or a Christmas movie based on the latest relationship about Taylor Swift. Do you understand? It has to just be about Taylor Swift and Christmas and make no sense. People are like, we need diversity in movies because this doesn't reflect what the world looks like. I don't even want to. The cast is not your thing. No. Movies reflect the world if it has a beginning, middle, and an end. We only have an end. It's just end, end, end. The only movie that's ever made sense is Memento Matrix. I'll give it to you. Linear's done. Okay. People went to space and we got mad, and they think the moon landing is fake, so they think we didn't go to space back then, which makes us mad. And then we go to space and we're even more mad. If you go to space, we're mad, and if you don't go to space, we're mad. People are naming their kids Harriet and Maude. It's full circle. Time is over. Rich people go camping. They sleep outside by choice. Rich people say out loud to other people that they have depression. You can't act like things are. Heidi Montag is in my feed again, and I like it. You don't know. I don't know when it is ever. We have no concept of time. They brought back a Jurassic wolf, but we don't have the technology to put out a fire in Malibu. Do you see? Does anyone understand? Do you get it? When you walk on a plane now, half the people on the plane are taking a photo of themselves in the seat and sending it to another person who has to look, we're fake people. We're not people anymore. But that said, I think. I think we should stop trying to be authentic. It's not the way forward, right? There's a movement that was like, we gotta be authentic. That was our big mistake. That is dangerous. That is actually like getting a Belgian Malinois and not training it. I miss pretending. You know, we used to go home for Thanksgiving and pretend we liked our family. Pretend that we didn't see the ridges on the cranberry sauce from the can. We pretend it was homemade, and we'd all just pretend. Your cousin would pretend he wasn't gay. We'd pretend. We'd all pretend we had to work the next day so we could leave early. And everyone got that it was working. Back then, no one knows how to behave anymore because the directive is authenticity. It's chaos. No one knows what anyone wants because we're all I. We're all these, like, street cats who have been alone for too long. We've been consuming so much fake content. Watch influencers be fake, and then watch. Whole thing is Be authentic. But it's a fake person saying, be authentic. Right. And then you can't. We don't have a reference point for authentic. We don't know what it means. It's not a real. It's. It's a word that doesn't work.

[Pat]

Nobody you know is telling you to be authentic. It's only a message.

[Whitney Cummings]

People that don't know you don't know. That's so funny. It's someone that never has to spend any time with you.

[Pat]

Yeah. Someone who'll never meet you throwing a grenade.

[Whitney Cummings]

But be authentic. And then it's like when the X ray technician sprints out of the room. We watch influencers be fake video games and now porn. So by the time we see a real human, we're like. We don't know how to act. So it's time to just stop watching movies and live like you're the star of one. This is the only approach that will work. Am I a, like, life coach? I think I'm like, the best life.

[Pat]

Coach you're advocating for. Main character syndrome.

[Whitney Cummings]

No one knows how to behave anymore. So I think if you just think as if you were the main character in a movie that you like, starring a person that was cool, just do that. I'm talking, like, basic manners. Like in a movie, if the main character landed, right, was like, on a flight going somewhere, and if that scene was him calling someone and being like, hey, I landed, you'd be like, that's a bad movie. I hate that guy. So don't do that before you do something. Just be like, what a cool character in a movie. If they did this, would I be, like, sick if the lead of the movie had his opening scene getting out of a vintage Ford Bronco, walking toward the bar. Ka Chuck. Ka Chuck. Okay, would he have an apple? AirPods. There's your answer. The cool girl in the movie played by Zendaya in her opening scene, where you see at the roller derby in ripped tights. I don't know. Like, would she be talking about Mercury being in retrograde? No. Her crazy divorced friend with a drinking problem. The sidekick would talk about astrology. Don't be the sidekick. Cast yourself as the cool person in a movie and just do what they would do. That's the only way people can figure out how to function anymore. I don't think we have enough reference points for how to actually behave because we haven't done anything real in so long. We don't have a moral compass anymore. Cause there's just. Because sociopaths are winning. We're only seeing sociopaths win, so we don't know how. We think we have to behave like that. We don't have role models anyway. Do we have role models? No one's modeling morality, all right? The huge ethical movements where we marched and posted ended up being money laundering schemes. We can't. We don't know what we're all even supposed to do. We don't understand what's valued. We don't know how to get what we want. Ethics don't work anymore. Psychopaths are winning and they've got boats. The dorks we didn't talk to in high school, they will not stop till they have every last bit of our data. They will not stop until they have your spit in a tube, until they have your heart rate. They want to know how you slept. They want to watch your baby sleep on a baby monitor. They want to know when your next period is, and they're not going to stop. You didn't go to prom with that dork. And now you will pay. He will know when your next period is. You'll be waiting on codes to be texted to you to log into your own page. These dorks, the time you didn't give them in high school, they will take from you now. You will be waiting on codes to be texted to you to log into your own Facebook page. And you will wait. Okay? You will wait. You will put it. As soon as you get it. You will put it in as fast as you can in your phone, but not fast enough. Your baby will fall down the stairs because you're trying to get that code in, because you couldn't just copy and paste it. You're locked out of your account because we didn't keep them locked in that locker where they belonged. I know. This is all over the place. I don't care. That's my brand. Stop reading self help books. Stop listening to podcasts hosted by people without psychiatry degrees telling you what your psychological diagnosis is and people giving you relationship advice and they don't have husbands. Just it's do what someone you like in a movie would do. Would Emma Stone's character go online and write under Lana Del Rey's last photo? You're a right wing grifter? Probably not. Would the guy from Peaky Blinders and Oppenheimer, what's his name? Didn't sexually Cillian Murphy?

[Pat]

Cillian Murphy?

[Whitney Cummings]

Yes. Would Cillian Murphy in a movie where he was like a gangster who took down bad guys with his talking car would he go on Reddit and engage in the comments about how much he hates Gwen Stefani because she said she's Christian. I don't think he would. I know. We don't have role models anymore. That's not your fault. We don't, do we? LeBron is done. LeBron. A video. God. So close on LeBron. Scottie Pippen said in some interview that came up on my feed, he said, if you're the greatest to ever do it, you're not the greatest if you say it. Other people should say it. Chapel Roan, she's kind of a role model. I know you're mad at her because she said something. There's a video I'm gonna send you where she said all the things she likes. And I'm back. I am on board with Chapel Roan. The call her daddy interview got a lot of hate. Who cares? Who cares? The reaction people have when a 25 year old pop star, if she doesn't agree with you, you're mad at her. Why would you want to have the same opinions as a 25 year old pop star? Like why? What are we? If everyone's not us, we there, it's over. Our whole thing is I hate myself. I need to work on myself. And if someone doesn't literally agree with everything you say, you're like, they're trash. But I thought you're who? Which is it? Your life's not over. If Chapel Roan is grumpy and doesn't want kids, I want people who don't want kids to not have kids. Hot take. If someone's like, I hate dogs, I'm not gonna ask them to dog sit for me. If you're watching a movie starring Robert Downey Jr. And he was an astronaut whose side hustle was, you know, helping strippers get out of bad relationships without being a creep. And there was a scene of him in his car watching Call Her Daddy and watch Chapel Ron talk about her friends and how much they don't like being parents. Would. And his character was like, I want an ingrate. I'm gonna take Pink Pony Club off my workout jams playlist. Everyone just breathe. All right? You don't. If you don't know how to behave, just think about Robert Downey Jr. Doing it in a movie and see if you should still do it or say it. Would Emma Stone say this? Would Tom Hardy look cool texting his ex on the way to pick up the girl he likes? Probably not. Look, we don't have God anymore. We don't have Scruples. We don't have inner wisdom or the ability to think through a choice because we don't have time. We don't have brain cells or a moral compass as a species. So just Darwinism right now is, can you put yourself in a movie? Watch that movie, See if it's a good movie. Squarespace. Squarespace is still a sponsor. After I tore them a new one.

[Pat]

We got a mess. I didn't share the message with you because you were having a busy day, and I was like, I don't think Whitney wants to see this one. I'm gonna let it float by.

[Whitney Cummings]

Could you read it?

[Pat]

I can pull it up. They had comments on the first one back. We had a lot of fun with it, and they did, too. But mainly, the last time we did.

[Whitney Cummings]

An ad for Squarespace, we hadn't heard from them in a while. They didn't sponsor us for a bit. I dyed my hair blue, had a manic episode, and all of a sudden, they were nowhere to be found. And then I go on CNN and start yelling about dead chefs, and they come crawling back. So the last ad, I was kind of like, where have you been, Squarespace? And I was like, I can't believe they let us do that.

[Pat]

They said they emailed us that Roast comic that we sponsored made fun of us. What a shocker.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, okay. I thought that was really the. I was like, they don't know my name. I'm going to. Did you see? Oh, wow.

[Pat]

We can't believe that the Roast comic made fun of us when he came back with money. Okay. Hi, Patrick. Got the below note from Squarespace about the spot on 419. I am assuming they want it removed from the audio, and it should be good. Let me know if you have any questions. And this is the note from Squarespace. From Squarespace.

[Whitney Cummings]

Can I just give you this? I'm not. I'm not.

[Pat]

It starts right there in the middle.

[Whitney Cummings]

We're huge fans of Whitney and the humor she adds to her show, and we thought the bit was funny, but it goes on for a while. Yeah, that's my thing. I go on for a while after it's. The point's been made. It's called overkill. It's my brand. It could have a negative brand impact with the listeners and their perceptions of how we handle our relationships with the shows we sponsor. Could you please remove this ad? Can you please remove this ad, read from the episode, and replace it in a future integration? So I owe them an ad.

[Pat]

They're asking for a Make good. That's podcast lingo for do it again.

[Whitney Cummings]

Were you gonna tell me about this?

[Pat]

No. I've been having a rough week with the computers and such, so I figured the last thing you wanted was a hiccup like that.

[Whitney Cummings]

I had a rough week with the computers.

[Pat]

With the computers? Yeah. They've been after you and not. They're not giving you any slack.

[Whitney Cummings]

I have been attacked by computers this week.

[Pat]

Yeah, I want to pile on. Oh, by the way, Squarespace is pissed.

[Whitney Cummings]

I love the idea of picturing you, like, alone at your house, getting an email like that, being like, should I send this to her?

[Pat]

Based on the last text that I got from Whitney, I should not send this to her.

[Whitney Cummings]

I love the idea that the more, like, annoyed I am about something, you're just like, that's the time to send it because I'm already there. You might as well. I'm already in the headspace. If you just threw it at me when I was like, pat, I was having a good. No, computers attacked me today. Why would you throw this at me today?

[Pat]

Yeah, well, it was probably 30 seconds after you texted me, I'm going to sleep or I'm going to rest. I need to do this.

[Whitney Cummings]

Have I ever actually done that when I said I was gonna do that?

[Pat]

No.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, but I don't want to.

[Pat]

But then I'm ruining your dip. Out.

[Whitney Cummings]

So Squarespace did respond and say that my read went on too long. And honestly, I agree. And they're right. And this makes me. Now I respect their brand even more.

[Pat]

And their web creation tools are top notch as a result, which is what they make.

[Whitney Cummings]

So if you want to launch a business, a portfolio, a stage, store, or blog, Squarespace makes it stupid easy to go from idea to online, pick a template, customize how you want to do. Are they the one that did outdoor clothes or indoor clothes? Outdoor outfits.

[Pat]

Outdoor outfits.

[Whitney Cummings]

Was this them?

[Pat]

No.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, okay.

[Pat]

That was me.

[Whitney Cummings]

No. On Squarespace, you can sell your products, books, services, post content, host video, and even attract analytics all in one place. It's built in. It's everything. It just. It works. That's it. Across desktop and mobile. Plus, they got built in SEO tools to help you people find your site. They also have self respect in their advertising department. And they gave me a little tsk, tsk, and I actually agree with them. Whether you're a creator, a small business, or just someone trying to get their stuff out there, Squarespace is the tool you want. Yeah. Goodbye, only fans. Hello, Squarespace. Get your stuff out there, go to squarespace.com whitney for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use code Whitney and save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I'm so sorry. It's just some like the email saying, like, we love her humor. Like, that person is definitely Croatian. We love her humor. Thanks, Squarespace. You know, coconuts kill like 2,000 people a year. Dude.

[Pat]

Dude, you know what? I keep hearing that.

[Whitney Cummings]

Dude, I don't know if it's true. I was going to do a whole bit about this. The reason I think it's a shady statistic is because it's not exactly 2000. We know. And also everyone that dies via coconut probably doesn't get to go to the people don't. They didn't see it.

[Pat]

You know who's reporting a death by coconut?

[Whitney Cummings]

Acorn tree.

[Pat]

A murderer. The coconut got her, guys. Another added to the tooth. The pile of 2000. Another coconut death.

[Whitney Cummings]

Half of all coconut to the head. Deaths are absolutely murderous.

[Pat]

Yeah. Darn it if it wasn't a coconut.

[Whitney Cummings]

Did you see the guy who tried to kill his wife on a hike in Hawaii and didn't succeed and he went to jail. He tried to push her off the cliff and she wouldn't fall.

[Pat]

I'm betting it was also on camera.

[Whitney Cummings]

Dude, no. And then he's an anesthesiologist. He then tried to shoot her with a substance and she's like, what are you doing? And she.

[Pat]

Harrison ford in the 90s with the.

[Whitney Cummings]

The Fugitive did it. Like, she literally was like, what are you doing? Like, if you're gonna try to push me off a cliff, I don't know, maybe like get in shape first. Like, she did not.

[Pat]

She's like, knock it off. Go to jail.

[Whitney Cummings]

Imagine your husband trying to push you off a cliff. He got mad. This is it. He was like, come, let's take a selfie together. And she was like. She was like. Something felt weird and she was. He was trying to get her to take a selfie so that he could push her off a cliff.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

You first. Make sure you can act before you try to kill your wife. Make sure you're like, hey, can you get over here? Can you like.

[Pat]

Well, make sure she doesn't want to push you off the cliff if you're like, hey, come.

[Whitney Cummings]

They're both like.

[Pat]

Real two step.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's a real mutual assured destruction right there. Now time to get to some great news, because you know me, I'm. I'm happy. I'm positive. Not only is there a Christmas movie out on Lifetime. We are going to be watching live on the show. I don't know if we're allowed to do it, but we're going to do it. Pat's going to figure it out. If I have to remake the movie myself and have Pat shoot the whole.

[Pat]

Thing, I know how to do it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Should we do a remake of Christmas in the Spotlight?

[Pat]

Yeah, let's shoot it.

[Whitney Cummings]

This summer started Dead serious. You know that I want to start doing a thing with Chris where we recreate 80s music videos.

[Pat]

Oh, nice.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, we've run out of things to talk about.

[Pat]

You guys, could you take on me in the doorway?

[Whitney Cummings]

No, I think Chris Isaac in the. In Helena.

[Pat]

Just take you guys to the beach and flop around. Let's do it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Where she's just, like, sucking her thumb.

[Pat]

Yeah, I'll get a list.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'll make a list. Well, I definitely want to do Separated by Fools, the one where the guy is like. But I have to play that guy. Benny Mardones. Yeah.

[Pat]

I worked with his son.

[Whitney Cummings]

We. That's. We need to talk about that later. Ah, I've gotten really into my segues recently, Pat.

[Pat]

None of them go to ads, though.

[Whitney Cummings]

You ever. Speaking of websites, Pat knows me so well. When I was in Chattanooga this weekend, I got a text from him, and it was Elizabeth Holmes and her husband, like, in an Olin Mills shoot on a rock. I don't know how she does all these photo shoots from prison, but I was like, how did you know I wanted to talk about that? Next week, she's back. Guys, look, here's the thing about me and Elizabeth Holmes that she. She invented Theranos. She built that big company. She is now in jail. What's her exact crime? Fraud, Embezzlement, Whatever it is. I. I'm so glad she's back. I missed her. Her and her husband. She. From jail is working on another diagnostics company with her husband. Okay. I'm. I'm just. I'm excited that I get to talk about Elizabeth Holmes, because I didn't have a podcast format like this when she was really out there crushing it. And I don't think everyone truly understands how important Elizabeth Holmes and Theranos truly is in terms of putting humanity into context. Okay, so what's your problem with Elizabeth Holmes?

[Pat]

Well, the only problem that I could sympathize with is anybody who received bad, like, incorrect results and then changed their life based on thinking they had AIDS when they didn't have aids, or not knowing they had cancer when they had cancer, or whatever they were Testing for. And you. You steer your life in a different direction.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm sorry. They were perfectly healthy. And then she gave them a diagnosis that they were gonna die soon. So they started living every day like it was their last and started enjoying their life for once and now are still alive. I would love to get a diagnosis like, you're gonna die in a year.

[Pat]

A lot of quick divorces. Probably. They're like, what, six months?

[Whitney Cummings]

Yes. Who would you be if you only knew? Oh, someone make that company that tells people they only have five years to live. And then they start living.

[Pat]

Wrap it up.

[Whitney Cummings]

They all instant just eating Tide pods. That's the only way to get anyone to be happy anymore is to tell them they're gonna die soon. Lucky bastards. And then you get to hear you're not gonna die. That's the only way I can come at this point. Then you're let down. Like, I have all this time left. Yeah. I just talked to my doctor the other day and he was like, so you're probably gonna live till 100. I was like, what? Fix that. So, yes, okay. Obviously, Elizabeth Holmes is a psychopath. I'm more fascinated by how we allowed her. We're the crazy one. I don't. I don't blame her. With people like this, you can't blame them. This is any teenager. This is any teenager. We did Elizabeth. We made Elizabeth Holmes. Here's the thing about Elizabeth Holmes, we let slide. And it is important for me to rehash this. I never. I'm never focused on what everybody else is. She made a fake machine. Yeah. That's every Silicon Valley company. They want all of our fluids up there. That felt right. Part of her pitch for the Theranos machine. There's a call. I believe she's talking to Henry Kissinger, where she says, this machine will reduce nurse error in Africa. Her whole thing that she just assumed everyone else agreed with was these nurses in Africa can't figure out how to draw blood. So we need to send this machine down there so people don't have to deal with these stabby, crazy African nurses can't even find a vein to save their life. No proof that there's needle error or nurse error. No proof that's an issue. But the underlying assumption was, oh, yeah, you know, African nurses, they can't figure out how to use a needle. She said that with a straight face. I feel like nobody for people just, like, let that slide. Maybe it's just, like, too boring or something. That was part of her justification in Africa. No other country, just Africa again. Everyone that gave her money, they're the idiots. When you're 19, you're supposed to say dumb things and adults are supposed to go, oh, yeah, no, that doesn't work. If it worked, we'd do it. But she was a 19 year old that said dumb things and everyone went, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No one is gonna rush out to war with a giant printer for blood while someone's bleeding out on a battlefield. This is what pisses me off. She's not a girl's girl. Nurses know how to draw blood. Stop taking nurses jobs who are serving in a war. They're serving. They're doing more in a day than you've ever done in your life. And you're going to flippantly say, they don't know how to use a needle. They know how to do things. You don't. Let me be clear, I'm about to lose you, but then I'm gonna get you back. There's a lot of racism in the world, a lot of sexism, ageism. But the thing we need to talk about within white privilege, okay, Is blonde privilege. Just stay with me, okay? Blondes are kind of a problem and no one will address it. But me and my Asperger is happy to step in and save the day on this one. It is kind of a struggle to be a brunette. Not by choice. And watch most of these Karens be blonde. And like, no one will say, remember when women were just calling police on people of color? I mean, they're probably still doing it, but it was like going very. And they were all just blonde and like no one said anything. It's like when a school shooters trans. No one will cover it. It's like that kind of anytime a woman loses her mind on a plane and there's a video of her just like screaming at people and like fighting. They're always blonde. I don't know. It's a Clorox going to the brain. I don't know. When I bleach my hair, I started collecting vintage pets, dispensers and tissue boxes made out of doll heads. So it might just be Clorox. I don't know. And let me be clear, natural blondes is more the issue. Bottle blondes, we've all been there, we've all done it. We've all turned 30 and gone to the hair salon and been like, just do it, do it, do it. Pour the bleach on my head. I don't care if I go bald. I would rather have two blonde hairs than a billion brown hairs. At this point, I don't care if the bleach gets in my eye. I'd rather could I have one blue eye so I'll get a promotion at. Brunettes don't get away with stuff like this. They just don't. Okay? The biggest mistake Jeffrey Epstein made was his psycho wing woman was a brunette. If Ghislaine Maxwell was a blonde, they'd still be trafficking. They'd be thriving. He'd be at the White House Correspondent's Dinner. He'd probably be in the White House as the head of education. He'd be the head of the education department, focusing on all girls schools.

[Pat]

She would have left him a long time ago.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, if Jeffrey Epstein had gotten a blonde as his main wing, he'd. He'd have a Peabody award because that's the size of body. He prefers pea sized blondes. They truly are unstoppable. Natural versus bottle. You know, when you're natural blonde, you're just treated different from the jump. You are coddled and you are cared for. Right? They're just. Some of my best friends are natural blondes. I've seen this up close. They have no concept of consequences because they've been so coddled and so protected. You know, they don't really know how the world works. Right? The imaginary tea party never stopped. Brunettes only got to be princesses until they were like five or six. By five, my mom was like, hey, idiot, there's nothing in the cup. You're embarrassing me at the mall. And mommy needs a new boyfriend to pay for your Lisa Frank toddler makeup so that we can contour your beat. Cause I don't know whose nose that is, but sugar daddy is going to take on a single mom with a brunette kid who drinks fake tea all day. It's weird, but when you're a young blonde that does it. It's like charming. It's magical. Wow, she has such a great imagination. You have a blonde and a brunette, Pat.

[Pat]

You know they're meeting in the middle.

[Whitney Cummings]

And that's what the blonde one told you to say.

[Pat]

Yes, she's in charge.

[Whitney Cummings]

After all, she's blonde and she knows it. Blonde girls at a very young age, they look at all the storybooks and they see they all look like her. And the sister that doesn't get the prince looks like the brunette girl. Okay, blondes. Okay. You have a blonde and a brunette kid. It's so funny that you're in for this one. I had the same. I have the same sibling Situation as you have with your daughters. The blonde, when you go to the pool, they're just getting sunscreen. Put on sunscreen, put on sunscreen. They get sunscreen on their back. The brunette girl, she. I'm in the deep end, just drowning. Everyone's like, why is there a raccoon in the pool? They don't care. Brunettes, we don't care. All right, I know. I'm not mad. It's just, it's just helpful to know. Why can't we just say it? Elizabeth Holmes was 19. She said, I, I'm dropping out of college. I got it. She, she decided she was too smart for Stanford, so she dropped out. What do these idiots know? These bunch of idiots. I'm gonna go make a blood machine that gives you a test at home. And I would know because I'm 19. A bunch of brunette scientists in their 40s were like, hey, can we get some money, please? We actually already have this machine. It's like, we could actually do this. We know the technology. We've actually discovered it and tested it. It works. It actually works. Not a complete scam. Henry Kissinger was like, shut up, Gail. This 19 year old blonde girl has some good ideas. And according to her, she doesn't even need to go to college to learn about how blood works, you moron. Henry Kissinger invested in Theranos. Press secretary of the United States, National Security Advisor. He negotiated a peace agreement with North Vietnam. North. But he was a Jewish immigrant from Germany in 1938. I get one to have a blonde around. You want to have a blonde in your house during that time? That would have been a huge advantage. I get why older Jewish men think they should have a blonde around, but this is. Henry Kissinger is a man who invested a ton in Theranos. So I'm like, he must know something. He must know that a 19 year old blonde. Forget that she's blonde. That a 19 year old girl can do this technology, by the way, also, what about a 20 year old guy? Why a 19 year old blonde? So I'm going, either he's got some essay allegations that he needs to invest in this girl to look like he, you know, can be in a room with a woman without being a creep. I had a bunch of meetings with her, like, and we're like, okay, maybe it's that. No, I think I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt. Okay. Because he did all this, right? He did organize us pulling out of Vietnam, right?

[Pat]

Yeah. He was involved in all kinds of.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt. My guess is that in order to achieve everything that he achieved, he has to understand human nature, Right? He has to understand what motivates people. He knows that if Liz Holmes is young and blonde, she will raise enough money to hire the right people and eventually figure it out. I bet he was like, she'll figure it out. Of course she doesn't know. But that level of confidence and delusion, she's a winner. Am I right? So she'll hire the best people, then she'll take all the credit. That's. She gets it. Okay? This is what natural blondes were born to do. He knew that some brunette would beat herself up and go, guys, I don't think I know what I'm. I don't. I don't think this works.

[Pat]

Slow to market.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's what we would do. I'd be like, I feel bad. This might tell someone they have AIDS and they don't have aids. We should, we should.

[Pat]

It would be irresponsible to try to make money right now.

[Whitney Cummings]

Can't. Okay? That's what I would do. Women, you gotta just dye your hair, okay? Think about it. Think about the most successful women in history, the most powerful. Hillary Clinton, blonde. I can't really say anything I want to say about that, so just Google it, okay? Google what I said on New Year's Eve. But Bill Clinton knew. Mary, blonde, 23, and me, founder, blonde. If a brunette was like, I want everyone to spit in a tube so I can tell them when they're going to get Alzheimer's, we'd be like the electric chair. Gwyneth Paltrow. If I made goop, you would put me in a psychiatric hold. Marjorie Taylor Greene. If brunette said anything that woman has ever said, she'd be in a Russian prison. I'm just saying, if you do a movie about a female assassin, what color is the hair? Always blonde. Because you know she'll get away with it. No one. If she's burned out, we're like, yeah, like, she's really gonna get away with all these. But killing Eve, she had to be blonde. She's a murdering psychopath. But if she's blonde, she's like charming. It's like a charming. You're like, what happened to her? It's not her fault that she's just bored all the time. Martha Stewart, I dare you to find an 80 year old brunette woman they'd put on the COVID of Sports Illustrated.

[Pat]

Maria Perlman.

[Whitney Cummings]

She dude sick. She went to jail and in her documentary. She admitted to cheating on her husband. She's like, he cheated on me. And they're like, didn't you have an affair? And she was like, yeah, but that.

[Pat]

Was like a short term thing.

[Whitney Cummings]

Rachael Ray posted one video where she was a little bloated. Destroyed online recently. Blake Lively and Amber Heard. They're fine. They're fine. Amber Heard just had twins. She's thriving. Blake Lively was in the time power list of the year thing. Everyone's like, she just got excited. She was just excited. Give her a break. She loves clothes. Who cares? She want to play dress up and be an imaginary director who gets she. She has such a good imagination. You know, that's how we hated Anne Hathaway for no reason. She didn't do her own wardrobe. She didn't bully a directed. What I'm saying is that women. I'm just saying go blonde if you want to survive. I did it when I went blonde when I was blonde. It's very different when you're blonde. Like, I'd go into Starbucks and they would draw a heart on your cup. No heart. They knew I was blonde, went blonde. The next day I went on a plane. The pilot invited me into the cockpit. Did you know that was a service come. But it's for blonde. Yeah. They did your blonde because you had a blonde daughter.

[Pat]

It was her birthday.

[Whitney Cummings]

When you're blonde, every day is your birthday. When blondes do bad things, it's cute. She went for it. When brunettes do it, it's witchcraft. She's a pick me. Blondes do it. It's like, look at her going for it. Brunettes are like, if brunettes do it, we're like, try hards. I'm just saying, if Jordan, what's her name, Bill Belichick's girlfriend was blonde, we'd be like, what a sweetheart. She could date any billionaire and she chose him. The brunettes banned from football stadiums. What's she going to do? Everyone's just like, yes, they banned her. They. No, look, they banned Jordan, Bill Belichick's girlfriend. They've banned her from like all the sets. They're like, how dare you make a stare at a Burnett all day? Like, dude, this isn't in the agreement. JonBenet Ramsey is still on the COVID of People magazine, like every couple years. I don't know, maybe Ali Wong in April. We just found a new baby picture where she's in a tube top. We can't really make room for that girl from White Lotus. We kind of wish Leslie Bibb had more screen time. Angela Merkel, blonde. It is Germany. Madeleine Albright, Princess Diana. Be serious. Her hair was a disaster.

[Pat]

Talk about a Karen cut.

[Whitney Cummings]

But, but blonde. So it was fine if she was a brunette. They would, they, they would, they would do to her what Meghan Markle says was done to her. They'd be like, you can't just marry Janet from Three's Company. This is England. You can't just marry one of the boys from Stranger Things. This is serious. The female presidents of Norway, Slovakia, Denmark, Estonia. The French president's wife's been all blond. I'm in it. I like it. We like a blonde to be in charge because we know her life is good. We know, we know someone's putting sunscreen on her. We know we don't have to worry about them dying of skin cancer. We know they're getting laid. It's, it makes us feel better. Remember when we were super obsessed with diversity? And then Taylor Swift went on tour and Barbie came out and everyone was like, oh, take all my money. All Fox News anchors are blonde. No one listens to brunettes when they talk. That's it. They're like, oh, really? You think JFK is a liar? Maybe you're just jealous because he'd never date you. Like when blondes do something criminal, we're like, at least she's trying to, she's trying to do business. I mean, she could be a stay at home gold digger and she's trying to change the world. She could be on a yacht in Saint Tropez and instead she's trying to get everyone's blood out of their body. That's a hero. I know this is hard to hear. It's hard to. I know. We just have to start being more skeptical about natural blondes just because. The same way you get a rescue dog and you're like, be careful. You don't know what happened. Natural blondes, you gotta go, just be careful. They've just, you know, they're treated like angels. I have a dear friend who is a natural blonde. When she comes into my home, she asks for candies that I've never even heard of. She'll be like, do you have any? Like, do you have a butterscotch? Like strawberry butterscotch? I'm like, what? She'll eat like a cow tail out of nowhere. You know when you go to like Starbucks and they have the caramels, she'll take one. I'm like, you're just gonna have a caramel for no reason at 9am they're like. They're all like little Miss Muppet or something.

[Pat]

Doesn't it just cost a wink?

[Whitney Cummings]

Just a wink and a smile? She's like, they think everything's free. Natural blondes. They always think they're getting kidnapped. When any of my girlfriends are in Ubers that are natural blondes, they're like this. He's going a weird way. She comes in, she's like, oh, God, that was a close one. Like, no, no one wants to take you. So sorry. We're not mad at them. They just. The same way that when you rescue a dog who had adversity, you go, they had a lot of adversity. Be careful. Right? Blondes maybe didn't have all the adversity. They kind of skated through life and they think they can just make a magic machine that can read blood. Why? How? Why not? They've never gotten a ticket. They cry to get out of speeding tickets. They went to prom with a senior when they were a freshman. When they see their hair in a drain, it doesn't look like vermin. When they see their hair on the bathroom floor, it doesn't look like the Blair Witch Project. That's a different life.

[Pat]

The expectation was that the nerds who.

[Whitney Cummings]

Would go do the homework, the nerds did their homework. Nerds. Never did my homework. Never happened. I don't think you understand what it's like. If I take a shower and brush my hair, if I look at the floor afterwards, I'm like, I am in a horror movie. Look, seeing your own hair off your head when your hair is not blonde is terrifying. Can you imagine the confidence that comes with never having to shave your arms or big toe? The amount of energy that is freed up in your brain in the summer when you don't have to worry about the pubes on your big toe having grown out? That's Theranos baby. Liz Holmes is back, and we're gonna forgive her. Okay. I believe it is my job to prepare you guys emotionally for what is about to happen. I'm helping. She's a legend now. She's so brat. She's going to be our queen. We can't remember anything. We don't remember what happened. All right? I'm the only person that is making sure people remember stuff because I'm a snitch. I'm a loyal snitch with ocd. I'll keep bringing it up and bringing it up. Dupont. I'm going to keep bringing it up. I'll never. I'm a dog with a Bone. Okay, as long as someone is famous, we're now fine with it. We don't care how they got famous. We don't care that you're a criminal. Notoriety now is way more valuable than fame. Infamous. Way more glamorous. It's Twilight. She wanted to be with a vampire. We don't want. We don't want love. We want adrenaline. We don't want a hero. We want a villain who we think we can change. Liz Holmes is Mommy Mommy to the max. She's Mommy, Mommy. Same thing. Our moms told us Santa was real and that the Easter Bunny was real. And we love her. All she did was lie to us. She told us that you had to sit by the pool and wait to digest your food for 30 minutes before going in the pool. And we sent her a card on Mother's Day. Liz, thank you for lying to us. Thank you for making magical days out of giant lies. That is the current Easter Bunny. We got to, like, look for your scam. Liz Holmes gave us podcasts, TV shows, the Easter egg hunts of adulthood. She gave us the feeling of superiority, and we can never return that favor. She is the ultimate feminist. She showed us that you can lie, cheat, steal, as long as you're pretty and you can just keep going. Frank Abagnale. Catch me if you can. He pretended to be a pilot and a doctor and lied about and lied. But he gives TED Talks for money. The CIA hired him to say, can you help us? TED Talks? She's gonna write a book about how she was abused as a kid. None of it will be true. Don't care. A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. We don't care that it was fake. Stop it. It's enough if we find out it's fake. And buster, she'll go, well, it was AI. I can't believe they did that to me. And we'll go, ah, you poor thing. They took the IP of your life and lied and made a fake book about you. Cockroaches can't not cockroach. If you're mad at Liz Holmes, you don't. You don't get it. You don't understand winner mentality. The only way to win these days is to create a problem that doesn't exist and then solve it with a device that doesn't work. She's the Marilyn Monroe of science. Okay? Marilyn Monroe's charm is that she was an underdog. The men she dated distracted her, same as Liz Holmes. Her boyfriend was a bully. She wanted to tell the truth, but he made her lie. The fact that she didn't die in prison. Bone chilling goosebumps. It tells me everything I need to know. How do you kill someone in prison who doesn't blink? You can't. The woman doesn't blink. I just want to get on her good side. Okay? Look at her. She looks great. She's never looked better. Dude. Prison was like a cakewalk for this woman. The woman is a psychopath. Now she spent a couple years in prison. Now she's unstoppable. She will fake cure cancer and it'll work. The only mistake Liz Holmes made was that she made a product. Don't quit it. You gotta make an invisible thing. Placebo effect. That's an effect. It's gotta be. It's gotta be something that already is around. Or invisible. Turmeric. Okay.

[Pat]

An organization.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yes. A mentality. You gotta sell a mentality. You know what I mean? Let them. Mel Robbins. Let them. Two words. Let them. She made up. She brought a machine into it. Get out of here. Okay. My big issue with Liz Holmes is there was no art to the con. A con artist is an artist. She went straight for some clunky thing that you had to plug in. Quit. It stopped. We're at capacity on plugging things in. There's no more plugs. Silicon Valley. No more chargers. No more the plugs. The plugs are full.

[Pat]

As soon as the soldering gun came out you were doomed.

[Whitney Cummings]

There's no cords and no more. Get out of here. Art. You ever go into a museum and seen a bunch of cords? That's not art. Art. Con art. It's to convince someone that acai berry prevents cancer. That's art. You see? Okay. You got you. You change someone's mind. You're in their head. Don't bring plugs into art. Don't bring buttons into it. You're not. That's science. You're an artist. You're a con artist. Liz. Call me. I will literally coach you through this. I will invest in your next blood company as long as you promise to make a fake thing on purpose this time. Okay. That's has to be about projecting on to your thing that it's working when it's not. Think of the great products. Think of the great products. Think of the great products. Magic 8 Ball. Crystal Ball. Mood ring.

[Pat]

Dousing rod.

[Whitney Cummings]

What's that?

[Pat]

It's how you find water in the ground with a little stick.

[Whitney Cummings]

Metal detector. You never find anything. It's not about that.

[Pat]

It's about the beeps.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's about the beeps. It's about our addiction to beeps. It's about I might find something.

[Pat]

It's a close calls.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's about getting away from your family.

[Pat]

Chasing the next beep.

[Whitney Cummings]

Chasing that beat. You got to stop with the things that great products. Lip balm with addictive ingredients in it. So you always need it created the problem, then solve it. Religion. These are the great inventions. Okay, Vapes. Okay. The thing that will get even more popular after it is clear that it is giving people clown lung it but it people it makes them look cool. They're renegades. They're outside. They don't care it you need to cause problems, not solve them. Lip balm has an addictive chemical in it. The good ones stop solving problems. What you don't get, Liz, is that we want problems. We love them. If you solve them, then we have nothing to no way to get attention.

[Pat]

Liz, she solved her way out of success.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's it. Listen carefully. If you're a hater of Liz Holmes, let me also just stop you right there. Thank God that machine didn't work or China would have your blood and you'd be like, why does China have our blood? Okay, now they have our spit from 23andMe. Now they have her blood. It's one big sex party over there. That's a girl's girl. She made a machine that some guy was gonna make and it was gonna work. She saved us from all being turned into robot bloody robots. The machines I hate the most right now are the ones that work. Can someone put Liz Holmes in charge of the clear kiosks at the airport? Because I think they work. Can we get Liz Holmes on the x ray machines at the airport so we don't have to walk through radiation every time we take a flight? Can we get her on some of the machines that are working? If the tanning beds I use twice a day as a teenager didn't work, I wouldn't have to fill my podcast room with the actual sun because of the 900 moles I have to get removed every morning. Stop solving real problems. No one wants it. People love their problems. They love being sick. They love not sleeping people. I couldn't sleep last night. I'm so tired. Stop trying to help us sleep. No one wants to sleep. And anyone who's like, here's how to sleep better. That's just like a rich guy podcaster. If we had your life, we'd sleep. All these podcast men, they're like, here's how to sleep. No one wants to sleep. All right, you like sleeping because you have dreams. Most people have nightmares. They don't want to fall asleep. Also, most people are tired because they have real jobs. They don't podcast for two hours a day and give everyone information that women have already known for 2000 years. We know. No, we know. I love it. The richest male podcasters are like, drink water and sleep.

[Pat]

We're like, oh, deep breaths. Is this dude. Deep breaths.

[Whitney Cummings]

Wait, wait.

[Pat]

Think about it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Wait. I should drink water. That your whole episode is about how I should drink water, and then the next episode is about how I shouldn't drink water out of plastic water bottles. Where do I get the water then? Where's the water?

[Pat]

How do I bring it from the water place to my mouth?

[Whitney Cummings]

What? How do I get. I'm not even kidding. How does anyone get what?

[Pat]

Is there a what collection method? Could you support.

[Whitney Cummings]

Said 23andMe spit? I don't know. I don't know. Look, I just. Liz Holmes is back. Great news. Holiday with the Kelsey's.

[Pat]

Does Liz Holmes need a ride home from prison? That's what Whitney wants to know.

[Whitney Cummings]

Dude, this is it. The best show on TV is the Manson audio. Like this. Is it the brains of psychopaths. This is what we should all be studying because they own our blood. What Liz Holmes did with that company in her twenties, most girls do with a man. So good for her. I almost ended up in jail a couple times trying to learn Spanish to fight with drug dealers. So good for her, you know, trying.

[Pat]

To collect blood from strangers.

[Whitney Cummings]

We love it. I'm just. I'm just saying. I mean, is Anna Wintour so different? Sorry, I can't. I can't. Okay, well, I have much more to say, but we'll do it next week, and we're gonna figure out this, okay? Hey, Liz Holmes. Invent the thing that makes it so no one can ride elephants. Thanks, Sam.