← Good For You with Whitney Cummings
Good For You with Whitney Cummings
Elon is Even Higher Than Space? | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 292
00:58:33
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- [00:00]
Pat
Action.
- [00:01]
Whitney Cummings
Whitney Cummings here, straight from being electrocuted. The hair is herring today if you guys want to see me live. I don't blame you. Sorry. I'm going to be in Winnipeg, Canada, July 18 and Halifax, Canada. I'm going to be in Calgary, then Ridgefield, Connecticut. I'm going to do two shows there. And then Huntington. What is Huntington? Is that New York? Oh, that's where you're from, right, Mikey? Oh, yeah, I like Huntington. Is that where the guy killed all those Craigslist trollops? No, that's Kimo beach or something. Gilgo. Gilgo. Gilgal Island, Richmond, Virginia. Norfolk, Virginia. From where I hail actually Roanoke, Virginia. So come out and see me if I beat your in basketball in high school. I'm really entertaining myself today. I'm going to be in Alabama. Two cities in Alabama. That'll be in Reading, Pennsylvania. And then I will be in Philadelphia. Go Birds. And then for La Da in Florida. And then New Orleans. Guys, get to the show today I finally a topic I can weigh in on with authority. Ketamine, allegedly Elon Musk was doing in the White House. Honestly, this is truly the first news story I have believed in years. Journalism is back, okay? I now trust the mainstream media again. The New York Times is my true north. All of a sudden, this, this news story, I am not even focused on the fact that he may or may not have been doing Academy. It's more like journalism. Like, this is what journalists are supposed to be doing. This was the tradition of Upton Sinclair and the Muckrakers. This is all we want from you guys. Journalists are like, no one believes us anymore. No one pays us. We just want you to tell us who is and isn't on drugs, okay? We don't. Stop bothering us with who is and isn't a man. That's Reddit's job, all right? I am obsessed with finding out when someone's on drugs because it means the rest of us aren't just crazy. Like, this was my entire childhood being, like, completely confused by everyone's behavior and being like, I guess I'm just insane. And then you're like, oh, you're water bottled that seema. Okay, I don't even care that you're drinking. I just. Okay, I thought I was crazy for a minute. Like, because you start doubting your own reality when everybody's on drugs but you, you know? So I'm like, why is no one picking me up from school? Why don't I ever have the field trip letter signed? Why does my mom keep calling Me. Jean. Is my name Jean. She called me Jean. This is true. And I'm like, what is my name? Is it Jean? Is it Whitney? What is it? Then I'm like, oh, the maker's mark is in your coffee. Okay. It's just the makers. I find it very relieving. I think it is great news when I find out someone is on drugs. Look, I'm, like, taking inhales and exhales like, he's just on drugs. I also, for him in general, it's just hard because, like, there were so many things he was doing that were just so cringe, you know? It's a relief to be like, okay, he doesn't actually think he's funny. He's just, like, on drugs. Everyone thinks they're killing allegedly when they're on drugs. You know what I'm saying? Like, I remember when I was smoking weed. Rest in peace. I would write in, like, a joke journal. I'd be like, oh, I got the funny. Like, I got the funniest thing. Like. And you, like, write it down. You're like, tomorrow, I'm gonna, like, just try these out at the Comedy Stor. I woke up one morning, it just said, isn't it crazy? I'm, like, trying to, like, make a catchphrase happen. Isn't it crazy that we cut down birds houses to make bird houses?
- [03:32]
Pat
It's not bad.
- [03:33]
Whitney Cummings
And then. Then what if there are ninjas everywhere, but the ones in Japan are just really bad ninjas, which is why we see them. Are we blindsided by this? I mean, the cybertruck looks like it was made by someone on drugs. That's why you make a cyber truck, your vehicle. Because if you're driving on, you need a car that can bang into the sides of stuff. Because when you're on, you don't have peripheral vision. You're focused on taking over the world. You don't have time for that pole. Your head just found the cure for Alzheimer's and you need to get it to Poland fast. You don't have time to wait to put your ticket in for the. The. The thing to open in the parking lot. Like, he needs a bulletproof vehicle because, like, he's got the cure. That's what these drugs tell you. Like, you got stuff to do. Are there laws about this? The way. The way that there's no doping in sports of no drugs. If you do, you get drug tested. If you're, like, in the White House, I feel like if you test positive. What's that? During the Trump's first administration. I'm telling you this. That, like, they did a article report that, like, the pharmacy in the White House was popping. First of all, why is there a pharmacy in the White House?
- [04:47]
Pat
It makes sense that there would be.
- [04:48]
Whitney Cummings
No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't yet. No. I mean, look, I grew up in Washington, D.C. when Marion Barry did crack publicly and we reelected him. I mean, this is. I come from a place where, like, this is actually a positive. Like, I've never served in office, but, like, I. I mean, there's a lot to get done. I mean, I don't know how you would do any of this sober. Remember when Kamala Harris, like, was giving speeches? She seemed a little tipsy. How could you not? I'd hope so. Can you imagine being a woman running for president? Yeah, let her have some rose all day. Like, when would you need it more? But also, maybe that's okay. It makes you fearless. You know, you probably get in there and there's. They show you all this stuff. They sh. They're like, oh, here are the aliens. And you're like, I. Can I just get a amaretto sour before you show me the other aliens, please? I'm good. Can I maybe. Maybe get a shot of tequila before you me the base on Mars? Like, you know, like, I feel like you probably get in there and there's a lot of stuff that you probably need, like, a drink to process. But as she was running for office, I remember being like, maybe we need a woman that drinks a lot. What is more terrifying than a woman with a drinking problem with no kids, the entire world, China, Russia, they'd be like. She would just be, like, drunk dialing them at 2:00am like, hey, give her whatever she wants. I know. Like, she won't stop calling. Putin's missed call list. I don't know. There's a lot to get done. This is how you fix makes America. Not only do you vote on who the president is, you also get to vote on what drugs they have to do for all four years. Okay. Because then you can, like, tweak them a little bit, you know? Like, I want this guy, but he needs to be on 20 milligrams of Adderall. He's a little slow. I want this woman, but she needs me on Lexa Pro because she's kind of a bummer. This one. This one just needs some weed because he has some good ideas, but he's stressing me out.
- [06:36]
Pat
Their personal doctor should be their running mate. And they should describe, like, here's What I'm going to do. This is what he's going to be taking every day.
- [06:43]
Whitney Cummings
I'm just. Maybe they just need some, you know, Logan, Paul prime. Or maybe they need to go off certain things. You know what? You know, like, I really want a lawn, but sober, you know, it was a little much with the chainsaw stressed. You know, you either need to get him off or I want him sober. I want him on drugs. Give her what he's doing. I just think that we should be involved in the biohacking of these people. Look, I'm gonna say it. I don't know if this is gonna get cut out. I hope Pat would protect me by cutting this out. But it is a true fact that Hitler did. You know, there's a book called Blitzed. I think it's called Blitzed about drugs in the Third Reich. And I feel like if more leaders at that time were doing the same thing Hitler was doing, he maybe wouldn't have had such an advantage. You guys, Pat has something to say again. What?
- [07:30]
Pat
YouTube is definitely going to make us bleep.
- [07:35]
Whitney Cummings
And you just said them. Then why did you just say them? Walk the walk, Pat.
- [07:41]
Pat
I'm going to. I'm going to write him a letter and let them know that I needed to say it and see if they'll.
- [07:47]
Whitney Cummings
Let me get through my numb skull.
- [07:49]
Pat
They need to let me say it.
- [07:50]
Whitney Cummings
Okay, let's call it something else. Let's call it dork juice. Like, what is it? Is it a pill or is it a dork dust?
- [08:00]
Pat
It's a liquid as well.
- [08:02]
Whitney Cummings
Okay. If other leaders are doing these drugs, isn't it kind of your patriotic duty to do the same ones so that you have the same.
- [08:11]
Pat
You got to keep up.
- [08:12]
Whitney Cummings
I'm just saying if you can't beat them, you might have to join them if you're the president or in the White House. You're not like us. You're not. You're not. You're not like us. It is your job to make sure.
- [08:21]
Pat
It's unclear what advantages Elon Musk was experiencing while taking substances in the White House.
- [08:28]
Whitney Cummings
I can both defend and criticize Elon's choice to do this substance for a couple reasons. Number one, this substance is now being talked about is like a medicine or a tool, not just like a club drug. Like, they're talking about this as like, Prozac, as, like, Wellbutrin, you know, which does sort of, like, have the energy of. You know, when people are like, well, red wine makes you live forever. If you Drink four glasses a day. The resveratrol from the grapes. You're like, I feel like you just want to drink. It's now being called a medicine, and the new thing is it's being called a tool. Even therapists now will be like, it's a tool for grief and depression. No, a tool puts a nail in a wall. This substance makes you walk into the wall and not feel anything. You didn't know it was there in the first place, and you just keep walking through it. Tools are things that fix the house after you destroyed it while on substances. It's just so wild that they're trying to make this like a natural. Like, this is not. It's made out of. I looked at hydro, silica gel, stevia. Acacia, which is what giraffes eat. Citric acid. Poly. Is everyone Poly. Is everyone poly in Silicon Valley? Poly. Even the gels. Even the glycol. Polythylene glycol. 15, 40. It's. It's numbers. This isn't a natural remedy. It has four numbers in it. Okay, I'm not even gonna start with the citric acid in the. In the stevia. In the words. Okay? Mushrooms. You can sell me on that being like, a natural remedy. Weed, maybe from a plant. Then you can't be like. And then numbers. No, you can't sneak this one in with the natural medicine just because it's really fun. Okay, You. I microdose. Okay, you microdose four times a day. That's a dose.
- [10:23]
Pat
He might accidentally name one of his kids that number combination.
- [10:26]
Whitney Cummings
Oh, yeah. Shouldn't we have known all this when we heard the names of his kids? Like the fact that everyone's black. Blindsided now because it's being pushed as this cure for depression. It is so funny that the first place they go is billionaires. There's an epidemic of depression and billionaires. I'm not even kidding. I do feel like it might be hard being a billionaire. Do you know how hard it is to find someone reliable to maintain your boat if you're that rich? You know, you, like, you have to constantly worry, like, are they. What are they doing with the boat? And I went to that Diddy party 30 years ago, and is this boat guy someone who's putting a camera? Like, do you know what I mean? I feel like you're in such a state of paranoia.
- [11:04]
Pat
Hard to relax.
- [11:05]
Whitney Cummings
Look, taking medicine implies that you're sick. Here's my thing. How about go take a sick day and go do your medicine? This thing where we're now Doing our medicine with everyone at work, and some people are on it, and some are mentally sick and physically sick should be seen as the same thing. Like, you know, when people are sick, they will not stay home. You cannot get a sick person to stay home. It's actually, like, shocking. It's like they got the it ends with us thing, and they, like, have to come into work or they have, like, toxoplasmosis, and they just need to come and spread it to people. Like, they have some, like, zombie virus that makes them. People who work from home will go into work only when they're sick, just because they want everyone to know about it. Dealing with sick people, they're just like, I just. I'm sick and this. And you're like, oh, no, you should go home. And they're like, no, I'm. I'm. I'm good. We're like, we don't want you. Please leave. Okay. People love getting sick. They love it. They get to talk about it. They get to go. Like, I've had this on and off for months. And then this thing, and then I was on a plan. I think it's like, are you. Are you bragging? I think you're. Are you bragging about bacteria? Why are you making me think about your blood? It's so weird. And then I had the phlegm in my throat, and you're like, can you just. I don't like pity, personally. I. It makes me uncomfortable. Like, if I am sick, you will never know about it. It will. I'm embarrassed when I get sick. I'm the person when you call me at 4am and I'm like, hello? And you're like, are you asleep? And I'm like, no. What, me? No, I'm up. I never sleep. What do you mean? I've never slept before. Once. And I'm in my life. I don't sleep. I'm a vampire till I die. I'm dead, but I'm not sleeping. I broke my toe on Friday. Everyone was like, whitney, why does your toe look like a legume? I was like, I don't. What toe? I don't know what you're talking about. I don't have toes. The point is, we need to let people take a mental health break. The same way if you were to get maternity leave or paternity leave or had a surgery, our brains get sick, too. When Elon came in to his office and said, I want to make a truck that looks like a transformer, HR should have been like, you know what? Bud, we love it. We love it. We're going to do it. But how about you take a day? You go home. Just go home, take a day. The same way if he was coughing or if someone's, like, you know, snotting everywhere. Just go home, hug your kids, walk on some grass, get a massage. Don't go to Burning Man. Don't go to Bohemian Grove. Don't go to space. Just you barefoot. Grass. You know what? How about you go talk to someone who doesn't work for you? When it's someone like Elon Musk or a billionaire or something like that. The prescription for depression or loneliness or whatever shouldn't be an antidepressant. It shouldn't be a substance like this. It should just be like, you know what your prescription is? You need to go talk to someone you don't employ for two hours. Someone who won't lose health insurance if they disagree with you. That's your Prozac. That's your medicine. Okay? Or maybe, like, you know what? You need to go cry, call your dad, tell him he dropped the ball. These people are very dangerous. Because it seems like they became this way because none of us wanted to hang out with them in high school. So now they think, I'm gonna become billionaire. I'm gonna make machines that fly. I'm gonna take you to space. And then they think they're gonna all these friends, and then they wanna hang out with us. And we're like, no, we still don't like you. It turns out we're not just gold diggers who wanna hang. No. So if we keep rejecting them, it's gonna get worse. Then they're gonna go, why don't I just kill all of you? I had a Tesla for a while. Asked me if I ever put in an auto drive. Of course not. Did I crash it three or four times? Absolutely. Did I back it into a rock at Avril Lavigne's house and leave it there? Yes, I did. I'm a danger to myself when I drive a car. But I was like, I'm not gonna put this on auto drive. Because if I'm Elon Musk, all of the cars that I'm selling are all the people that wouldn't hang out with me in high school. I'm just gonna be like, drive off the cliff. Like, this is him. This is his way of being able to control whether we live or die. If we, like, don't hang out with.
- [15:22]
Pat
Them on the stick shift. It's got R, D, N, and now.
- [15:26]
Whitney Cummings
K for oh, yeah, that's probably why he put auto drive on it so that people could do this substances he wants to do and also get carted around. I don't know, maybe that's like, helpful. Maybe that was like an assist. Thanks, dud.
- [15:39]
Pat
Have to give Trump credit because he played Elon Musk better than anyone ever could have imagined. He. He let himself look small in front of Elon in. Inside the Oval Office. Do you remember when Elon was informally dressed, standing taller than the president, sort of joking around, throwing jokes down toward the president for their initial press conference. And people were like, why would President Trump ever like, oh, he's so weak and small. And he let this random foreigner come in and start treating him like he works for Elon Musk. Like, so brilliant. Because he knew the whole time. This person is digging their own grave every single day. Yeah, I only need him to get elected.
- [16:30]
Whitney Cummings
Yep.
- [16:31]
Pat
And then now that we're four months in and he's like, hey, I'm not allowed to cause enough problems with your budget and all this stuff.
- [16:37]
Whitney Cummings
And it makes Trump look like an adult, like a super mature adult who's.
- [16:40]
Pat
Maybe we should list all the drugs you were on for the last eight months and talk about why you're leaving.
- [16:46]
Whitney Cummings
It's also, I think, a pretty Machiavellian move. And pretty just like classic in general to surround yourself with crazy people so you look sane. Yeah, I definitely spent a long time regressing maturity wise and not becoming an adult because I'm like, well, I have, I have it together. Compared to someone who calls herself Little Esther, she's 40. Compared to Annie Letterman who spray paints abs on her stomach and has a snake in her purse. Actual live snake, you know, so it's a way to surround yourself with people that. And then all of a sudden, he looks like a mature adult. Squarespace is obsessed with us.
- [17:26]
Pat
They want to be here every week.
- [17:27]
Whitney Cummings
Now, I got to tell you, like, this episode is brought to you by Squarespace, the all in one platform that helps you build a strong online presence. Whether you're just start out or scaling your brand business, whatever we call it these days, Squarespace gives you everything that you need to create a beautiful website. Without any technical skills, you can be as dumb as me. You can choose from stunning templates. Is it template or template?
- [17:49]
Pat
Template.
- [17:50]
Whitney Cummings
Template. And use their drag and drop editor. I think that's what my dermatologist. Sorry, I'm feeling myself today.
- [18:00]
Pat
That's what you do to your boyfriends at the end of the relationship. You drag and Drop.
- [18:06]
Whitney Cummings
Pat. Pat, don't make me drop. Don't make me drag and drop you. And you know that I can't because you have me on some password confirmation.
- [18:18]
Pat
You need two keys.
- [18:19]
Whitney Cummings
Pass key.
- [18:19]
Pat
You need two keys.
- [18:20]
Whitney Cummings
I need a physical key to get into my computer and Pat has it. He managed to install something.
- [18:26]
Pat
I hooked you up with a dongle and I hid it in your backyard.
- [18:30]
Whitney Cummings
Dude. Dongles, dude. This is how you know these people. They hate us. They hate us. And they literally just like. What would be a funny thing to have to make our customers who already had to spend all this money on a new charger each time a new phone comes out to have something connected? Dvd. Anyone who's connecting a DVD to a laptop is a dong. Let's just call it a dongle. You're still watching DVDs and not wearing your headset to watch. You know, Zelda. Squarespace. I'm so sorry that every time you advertise on our show, I completely turn the ad into like a chaotic mess. Two standout features that I would love to mention with Squarespace. First, offering services. You can promote what you do. You can book appointments, take payments, send branded invoices all directly through your site. It's perfect for anyone offering coaching classes or creative services. Second, blueprint. This is a Squarespace's AI powered website builder. Just answer a few questions about your business goals. It generates a site structure and design recommendations for you. It's fast, it's smart, and shockingly accurate. If you're going to launch something personal, brand a store, a newsletter, your personality as a commodity, Squarespace gives you the tools to do it right and make it look good. Start your free trial today@squarespace.com Whitney and when you're ready to launch, first of all, just let me know. Second, use code Whitney to get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. What is the difference?
- [20:01]
Pat
Well, a domain is the address that you're going to then put a website.
- [20:07]
Whitney Cummings
So it's like the plot of land and then the house.
- [20:09]
Pat
Yeah. Like you can get domains without ever.
- [20:11]
Whitney Cummings
Designing a website, but you can't have a website without a domain.
- [20:14]
Pat
That's right. You can make a website and then offer that website to someone as a product to put on their domain.
- [20:22]
Whitney Cummings
Pat, you're dragged and dropped.
- [20:24]
Pat
I expecting a nice dragon. One thing you do know how to do is drag and drop.
- [20:28]
Whitney Cummings
Wait, wait, hold on. I'll deal with that insult later. Number two, today is cash app. Okay, Squarespace, we. We had our words. We did what we had to do. We're good. We worked through it. Water under the bridge. We consciously recoupled. Cash App is back.
- [20:48]
Pat
Mm. Yeah, I think they actually. They came back about four or five weeks ago. Three or four weeks ago.
- [20:56]
Whitney Cummings
Oh, so three months of doing shows with no bras and a tank top, and now Cash App is back.
- [21:03]
Pat
Like, didn't we used to.
- [21:04]
Whitney Cummings
I mean, Cash App. We haven't had Cash App sponsor our show, truly, since the pandemic, I don't think. Wow. Cash App. Hey, girl. Sending and receiving money. It should be simple. Here's the deal with Cash App. Whether you're splitting a bill, in what world better not be on a date, paying someone back or moving money fast, or if you just got to move money around quick. Dude, Cash App. I missed you. Few taps and then you're done. There's no waiting for days to see your own money. Ridiculous. Cash App lets you send and receive funds now, instantly. We're running out of time. The meteor is coming. You don't even need a bank account to get started. This is my type of company. You don't need a domain, you don't need a place, you don't need a bank. You don't need a. You just need, like, some crypto at best. Crypto in quotes. And they'll let you move money around. All you need is a phone number and an email. It's also designed with safety in mind if you are about to send money to a suspicious account. Oh, no. Cash App will give you a scam. Scam warning. That's my brand. That's my whole thing. I'm the Cash App of people. I walk around all day giving people scam warnings that they don't even want. So Cash App, I mean, I'm. It gives you peace of mind. Sorry, I'm trying to read the copy. And for new users, there's a bonus. Download the app after you use the referral code Whitney and send $5 to a within 14 days, and you're going to get $10 back. This sounds like me having a conversation with my dad. As soon as I got a TV show, he'd be like, if you send me $4,000 now, I can give you 700 back every day. Every other day for 14 days, as long as we. The lock on the safe doesn't jam. Like, what?
- [23:02]
Pat
I got a guy lined up to double whatever you send me 14 days after you send me.
- [23:06]
Whitney Cummings
Yeah, but also, time is a construct. So money. You're just gonna get money. Let's go. Start now. Cash App today. Download it in the app store. Promo code. Whitney, this substance, it gives you, like, delusions of grandeur. That's was my experience. Like, it tells you you can do impossible things, which we need leaders to think they can do those things. You can't have someone in power being like, I don't know if we can pull that off, guys. Like, you need this kind of madness.
- [23:34]
Pat
You know, you don't want it reinforcing grandeur.
- [23:38]
Whitney Cummings
Yeah, but, like, do you have to have delusions of grandeur to think you can make the American government function?
- [23:44]
Pat
Probably, like, three days in, basically solved. Guys.
- [23:49]
Whitney Cummings
I'm just saying, like, you have to have this level of delusion. Anyone else being, like, cutting all this. We can't fire all these people. That's what's happened this whole time. Maybe you need someone that is on this concoction of substances to be crazy enough to think they can actually do something. I don't think it went particularly well. What confuses me is that also this substance, it makes you very forgiving. I actually stopped it because it made me too forgiving. And I started, like, letting vampires back in my life. But I'm like, couldn't this. If you started getting more. Forget, maybe forgive college loans? Like, I don't. It, like, didn't work on his brain the same way that it did on mine. I literally, when I did the substance, forgave the men who were like, creeps with me when I was a kid. I was like, hurt people, hurt people. Poor thing. How low was his self esteem that he chose me? And trauma made me funny, and now I have a career out of it. Sometimes I feel bad for anyone that abused me when I was a kid and then watched me get successful. It's like, oh, no, that cockroach. Like, it's just like, they thought they were gonna, like, destroy me and destroy my psyche, and then I just ended up using it to get a house. Anyway, the point is substances, fine. Everyone's always been on something. That's the other thing. Mad Men generation. Those dudes were just crushing three martinis at lunch every day. Like, we've always. Right? Like, that's wild when you think about it. Like, I'm sure that was the case in the government.
- [25:08]
Pat
You don't want to get lost in the details all day long.
- [25:11]
Whitney Cummings
Maybe there is a concoction of all these things that makes you better at this, but I don't think he got it. My point is, I support using a substance if it makes you more compassionate, because we want compassionate people in There. But if you're lacking empathy and can't be compassionate, it doesn't seem like the substance nails it, you know, like, maybe that's what we have to do with all these psychopaths. We have to give them the thing that makes them feel compassion so that they don't kill us.
- [25:45]
Pat
I don't think it sticks.
- [25:47]
Whitney Cummings
I don't think it sticks. Also, there's a city in Japan that put lithium in the water, I think, and then the rate of taking your own life went down. Like, there's. I'm not against mushrooms and lithium in our water. You can keep the fluoride if you want. I just feel like Elon's behavior has been a setback for functional substance users everywhere that are using it to improve their lives and make, you know, like, therapy. Here's the other thing with the substance, the K1, is you do believe you have, like, purpose in a meaningless existence. And this is what I witnessed just watching him, like, all these rich dorks, you know, they all want to be these, like, superheroes. They want to make the invention, you know, that changes the world, but at the cost of humans, right? All of these inventions, they succeed by dehumanizing us, so now we're all as inhuman as they are, right? And so they all of a sudden need a purpose, but we don't have one anymore. So why you took it from us? Don't. We don't need. Don't. We can't. You can't make us the sociopaths by taking our souls away and then decide you want a soul. All of a sudden, it's like Jeff Bezos opening grocery stores. It's like, no, we did this. You can't. We're addicted to this other thing. You don't get to switch the thing. Don't put us on. It's like when a drug dealer gets sober. You're like, you can't do that. You need to be able to test it, make sure it's good. Okay. I just. It's. They have figured out a way to make us all as inhuman as they are and be as depressed as they are. So now I think they're depressed because every human they see isn't something they can prey on or suck. We're just a mirror to them, right? They used to live off our energy and the potential of being able to take our happiness by, you know, here's how you document, and here's how you connect to people, and here's how you. Right? So they used to, like, feed off and our Data. I'm gonna take their data. I'm gonna take their happiness. I'm gonna take their holidays. I'm gonna take video. I'm gonna take their Zoom meetings. We're gonna take all this stuff. But then they used to live off of the life in our eyes and our souls, but then their invention sucked those souls into some airplane hangar full of hard drives, and now we're all just zombies. All right? And problem is, some of these zombies that you guys created have absolutely nothing to lose. And we are due for one of them to snap like Luigi did. And I'm just saying, these Silicon Valley rich dudes turned us into zombies. But the problem with zombies is they're strong. And no amount of MMA fights that you go to to try and be friends with Rogan by hovering in the background, begging to be sat next to Theo Vaughn is gonna make you capable of fighting off all the zombies whose soul you stole. The zombies are gonna be like, we're gonna get you. And they're like, oh, you're friends with Theo? Never mind. Like, you're. No one's gonna protect you, okay? All of the tech that you made is drugs. You guys have had to take drugs to try to deal with the fact that you're the drug dealers who gave it. You made us addicted to all this stuff, right? So drug. Drug dealers do drugs to get rich, but also to have friends and feel important and feel needed. That's the whole thing. Whenever I'm in a. Like, an AA meeting, like, I'm an al an hour, but it's like, there's double winners. That's always what the narcotics people say. Like, I just want to be the man. Like, I just wanted to have friends. Like, I just want to feel important, you know? So that's what they've done with all of these. These digital drugs, these apps and stuff. They feel like a king. But of who, right? Of a bunch of crankheads whose eyes are bleeding. Crank is a real thing. Google crank, Philadelphia, YouTube. There's a live feed. It's pretty wild. So it's not power if you're the king of the losers. You know, you want power over people, but you had to drug them. You had to get them to obey you. That's not real power, right? And they might not even know that, but you know that. And you have to live with the fact that you had to get them on some app or some video game or some mushroom gummy or some, you know, period tracker or some meditation app or some take a picture of the guy you're with to show you their baby. You had to.
- [30:17]
Pat
Those are kind of fun.
- [30:18]
Whitney Cummings
They're very fun. Chris's and I was Asian for some reason, but it's a Chinese app. Fair. Like, honestly. True.
- [30:25]
Pat
Probably a well trained app.
- [30:27]
Whitney Cummings
Probably. I mean, the first thing I do is put the kid in Mandarin at this point. So by the time you get all this power that you never had before by controlling all these people with your invention or your product or your charcoal toothpaste suppository or whatever, then you realize, oh, I have power and control over all these people, but these are people who are very easily controlled. They're the type of people, like, I'm just gonna buy this gummy because Addison Rae posted about it, and I'm just gonna get on this app because everyone else is on it. The king of the dorks is still a dork. It actually makes you the biggest dork. So you're way further behind in popularity and coolness than even in high school. I always think about David Miscavige. So he's who runs Scientology. I'm kind of obsessed with him. I think about how rich he is. And he built this huge cult, all right, for sure. On a substance, by the way. Not allegedly for sure. And he probably just hates all of his members. Like, hates. Imagine, deep down, the guy that runs Scientology. He must just be like, you losers. You guys fell for this nonsense. Why don't I have anyone cool in my cult? Like, why can't I get Kendrick Lamar? How do we get Kendrick into Scientology? Can we pay him? Like a partnership? Like, can we get anyone? Kimmel, anyone? I mean, I bet Scientology could probably get Kanye right now, but even Scientology is like, I don't know, man. I just imagine being the head of Scientology and having to hang out with Tom Cruise all the time. And Tom, just like, I do my own stunts. Cool. I hung off a building. You know who else hangs off a building every day? Window washers. The average fireman and construction worker does way more dangerous stuff in an hour than Tom Cruise does in four months of stunt work in Australia, you dork. You think your job is dangerous? Okay, Tom Cruise. Try being a trollop in Malibu. You could catch on fire. Having a bunch of people you brainwashed and tricked and blackmailed into staying by recording their secrets means you trap them. Fine, it worked. But, you know, you trapped them, and you always have to know that they would never stay if you didn't trap them. And you have to live with that. So of course that type of person has to Do a bunch of substances to be like, I'm not me. I'm connected to everyone, and I'm helping them by trapping them because we're all in it. Like, of course you have to think you're in a simulation, because then you can go, like, my simulator did this. I'm not just some dork that has to trap people to get friends. You know, you have to grapple with that. I've had a version of this feeling before, like, my dogs are my, you know, whole life. I like my son, too, but my dog Frank sleeps with me. I got him when he was two months old. Someone threw him out of a car. He slept on my chest until he was. I mean, frankly, just too big. It was becoming, like, dangerous. Slept on my chest. I would carry him in a Baby Bjorn. And one time he almost died. And I remember I was. Oh, I'll cry just thinking about it. You remember this? When he cut his foot and he was in the hospital for three days. Oh, my. And I was banging on the floor. We know when you're, like, all of a sudden, like, super religious, and you're like. You're like, God, okay, take that. You can. Okay, I never will tour again. Like, I'm negotiating with God of, like, if you could just. And he ends up living, and. Oh, wow. And the point I'm trying to make is that when Frank and I go somewhere, he'll jump into someone else's car. Someone opens the door, he'll just, like, I'm with this person now. Peace. And I'm like, you know what, fair? Heads of cults, they have to go to bed at night knowing that they're trapping people. These Silicon Valley nerds have to go to bed at night knowing, well, I got their data, and I got that. And they can never leave. We can never leave Facebook. We can't leave. So the head of Scientology knows. If they stop blackmailing these people, even these easily brainwashed losers wouldn't stay. And you even went after AA meetings and acting classes. Vulnerable people. You preyed on the most vulnerable people. People that have abandonment issues would leave you if you didn't blackmail them. You went after Fish in a Barrel. And your biggest brag after Tom Cruise's, I'm friends with that guy from that 70s show who's in jail because he couldn't even get an actress in Hollywood to have consensual sex with him. I bet, honestly, he just wants a podcast. He just wants to have a podcast. That's. That's. Here's the problem with Starting a cult is that you don't get to have a podcast. Men started cults and started running cults and to get heard so people would listen to them. You could get people captive to listen to your idea. Now there's podcasting, and everyone can have their own little cult and their own little followers, and they get to be the leader. He just wanted to be heard. He wanted to have his own show. Now he has this frigging cult, which seems like a hassle, you know, and then podcasting comes along. He's like, ah, you know, and there's no way to take over for him. No one. That's. What's this? What's he going to do? First of all, I volunteer as tribute. Second, someone like that can't allow someone else to take over, and he can't. He's right. Someone else will get into Scientology to be like, why are we doing. What's this all for? But why are we working so hard to keep all these people brainwashed? Why not just, I don't know, let them go? I don't know. Why don't we just. Well, it's for money. Why don't we just donate to a fake charity? Let's just start a fake charity. But let's just do that. That's what most people do. And, like, I know they're still doing that. I know, but we have to put lithium in the water that we still. This is exhausting. I mean, isn't China going to buy us soon? Can we just sell this to China? Like, what are we considy by this? Like, what a nightmare. And David's like, no, we need to keep this thing going. We're this close to landing one of the girls from making the band. Hey, everyone, relationships take work. I mean, not for me. I'm just like. I'm like, effortless. Easy breezy Parrot is the app that helps couples stay close, build better communication, and keep their connection strong. Chris and I are actually doing this. We were, like, having a little bit of, like, a tricky week. Not it's neither of us fault. Like, I like to know everything, but also don't tell me all this stuff I don't need to know. Does that make sense? I get overwhelmed with information that I can't really do anything with, and I also like to hear information closer to when I need to know it.
- [37:11]
Pat
She won't scroll up. That's one thing.
- [37:13]
Whitney Cummings
This guy.
- [37:14]
Pat
This guy does not scroll up.
- [37:16]
Whitney Cummings
Well, here's the thing, though. That guy won't stop adding 500 things after it you know, no, I can't get carpal tunnel today. No, I actually can't. The amount of scrolling up I would have to do is, I mean, would cost an arm and a leg.
- [37:32]
Pat
You truly have 300 people that you need to read their text every day?
- [37:36]
Whitney Cummings
I. Well, yes and no. I mean, I do have at the moment 1393 unread text messages.
- [37:45]
Pat
Yeah. And you might have to scroll up on some of them, but you're not gonna do it.
- [37:49]
Whitney Cummings
I. We just can't be friends anymore. Like I did. There's a point where you just gotta start cutting the fat. You know, I like, I don't even know what, where to start on that. But I did start doing the Paired app with my lover. And it's actually super cute. It asks you like really cute questions. Like, before you guys met, what thing do you wish your current partner would have like been at with you so they could have seen you? You know, it's like stuff like that. It's actually really cute. And it's like every day you go back and forth. And what I really like about it is that you can't see the other person's answer until you answer. So it's not like you're, you're not trying to like one up them, you're not trying to like bounce off theirs. You don't get like argumentative. So I'll answer it and I'll go in and Chris's answer will be there and it'll say answer to unlock Chris's, you know, so we're actually answering it without being informed by the other person. So you don't like get defensive or like try to be like, don't get.
- [38:44]
Pat
Your answer's not influenced by what they said.
- [38:46]
Whitney Cummings
Pat, can you cut me off sooner next time if you have a more concise way to say it?
- [38:51]
Pat
I'll try.
- [38:52]
Whitney Cummings
Thanks so much. Everyone's out here, like, stop interrupting me. I'm like, can someone interrupt me please, because I cannot shut my ear mouth. Paired is the app that helps couples stay close, build better communication, and keep their connection strong. With just five minutes a day, you and your partner both download the app. You pair together. Each day you're gonna get a new question, quiz, or game created by relationship experts. You're gonna get prompts like, what makes you feel the most appreciated? What's something new that we, excuse me, could try together this month? And would you like your spouse to stop burping on camera in front of people? And then little check ins that lead to bigger conversations, fewer arguments, and More laughter. Because what's laughter, Pat?
- [39:32]
Pat
Medicine.
- [39:33]
Whitney Cummings
The best medicine. It's not just medicine. It's the best medicine. Go to Paired. It's also a coping Mechanism. Go to paired.com Whitney to get a seven day free trial and 25% off your first subscription. And if this doesn't work, you should drag and drop all of these substances that are being taken by these, like, high performer people and business people. It originated, I believe, at Burning man, which is not a mental health retreat. Stop. Protect. Can everyone just do these substances and just say they're doing it because it's fun. No one's mad at you. You have a million excuses to go disassociate and have fun and do these substances. Don't be like, well, I'm doing it because I'm working on detaching from my ego. Like, just don't insult me. You just had an orgy and gave some girl an accounting. Hpv. This isn't healing. You're not. You didn't just break an ancestral cycle. You rode a tricycle with strippers from New Mexico. That's it. So it's fine. That sounds fun. You just go do it. Don't try to convince yourself by doing bad improv with me that this was some, like, healing journey. It's just, it's fine. I just, I find it fascinating that these people that spend their whole life and their vocation is making machines that are gonna take all of our jobs and our purpose. I would not take something right now that makes you feel empathy because you're gonna, you're gonna realize what you did. It's a little late to, like, start feeling bad. I just, I don't think that's a. I would just stay the psychopath you are and just not try to hack your brain to, like, connect with everybody else. Like, it's just, it's just wild to me that all of these, like, high performer people are aware on some level that they're not able to, to consider the feelings of others. A lot of these substances are about being more conscious and being more connected and more present. It's like, it feels like all of these Silicon Valley high performers are like, please make me conscious. I want to, I want to fall in love like a real boy. Like, they, they want to become human or something. It's like we're all worried. What if the robots get conscious? That's our concern, right? The robots are only going to get conscious if the Silicon Valley nerds that make the robots get conscious. And that's what I Feel like they're trying to do with all of these substances. The robots are here. They're them. Right? So the current robots, the Silicon Valley dorks that are building the robots, they're currently lacking empathy. So if they start to take all these substances and start feeling feelings, that's the problem. What if these humans become human? That's going to be way worse than the machines becoming human. That's what we're really going to have a problem. Okay? They're taking all these. These substances to try and like, connect and heal trauma. Like, we don't want you to heal your trauma. You have a billion dollars. You. You just need to make the thing that deletes our trauma. That's all we really ask. Just make the. Make the neural link. All I hear is that you can read other people's thoughts. It's none of your business. Mind your business. Okay, you're not reading my thoughts. I'll tell. I'll say what I want to say. If I want you to know something, I'm thinking, I'll say it. How about instead of I want to read everybody's thoughts, how about just, like, create an environment where people want to talk to you, be the kind of person people want to have a conversation with, and you won't have to, like, hack people's thoughts to know what they're thinking at all times. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just. That is, yes, it's great for stroke victims and stuff like that. If you're the kind of person that gets along with your parent who, you know, had the stroke, and you actually want to hear what they have to say. Godspeed. But, like, you guys should just be healing us instead of healing yourselves. You're. You're gone. You're gone. You're gone. I just. Why can't villains just be happy? I just want to see a villain. The people who run the world or have the biggest influence on the world do all these things. They get there, they have all this power, and then they just. They're like, well, I just want to be a normal person. By taking a bunch of substance that.
- [43:25]
Pat
Aren'T even legal, you guys, it's lonely at the top.
- [43:27]
Whitney Cummings
No, it's not. Not if you're cool. There's people at the top who are cool and everyone wants to hang out with them. That's not true. It's lonely wherever you're whack, whether you're rich or poor or whatever. Like, it's just like, I hate things like that. It's Lonely at the top. Like, hey, loneliness isn't so bad. If your inner monologue doesn't suck. It's not loneliness. It's just being alone with yourself. If you can't be alone, if you being alone with yourself is lonely, that's on you. I just. I'm. I just find it so wild that these guys spent all this time and girls, fine, the one girl that tries in jail, the one girl that tried to join this pack of that in the bud. Yeah. The rest of them are just billionaires. She's just in jail. I mean, like, everyone did the same thing Liz Holmes did, right? I just find it fascinating and weirdly tragic that these guys spent all this time trying to be Iron Man. They wanted to be Iron man, right? They want to be the superheroes that they grew up watching. And then they get there and they're Iron Man. And then they're like, I just want to be friends with Shane Gillis. How do I hang out? The comedy Mothership with Mark Norman. I mean, then they just want to hang out with the dirt balls. Like, these people are going to Burning man to try and get perspective. It's like, why do you want perspective? You'll never have perspective, okay? You can afford to get a sand induced UTI at Burning Man. Chop her out of there. Have it handled by a doctor who texts with you directly and comes to your house. That ship sailed. Burning man used to be for broke people to go try to convince themselves that money doesn't matter. It's a place where people who felt like they had no way to express themselves got to, like, you know, be unique because they work at some corporate job where they're a cog. That's what Burning man was. And now it's just like a bunch of super rich people doing this substance that is apparently being done in the White House, where people go to find meaning. I think that these Silicon Valley dorks think that if they dress up as a gay warlock, Burning man, no one's gonna know who they are. And they get to, like, be anonymous. They get to be like everyone else. And, you know, once you get that rich and successful, I guess they're just like, I just wanna be a normal person. I hear that from these guys. Like, I just wanna be a normal person. You can't come in on a harrier jet and then think you're gonna blend in at Burning Man. Also, famous people, famous people sometimes, like, try to blend in. And then if they do, you'll watch them, like, go into a panic and just like, Slip. You know, if they're, like, not being recognized for too long, they'll just start panicking like, I'm Will Smith under here. Like, it's just like when famous people say, like, I just want to be normal like everyone else. I'm Elon Musk. I just want to be normal like everyone else. Like, only people who are never around normal people think anyone is normal. Like, who is. Like, look at all those normal people out there in the world, just falling off cliffs, taking selfies and dying, injecting butterflies into their body for a TikTok challenge. Like, you want to be like. Like us who are jumping off the back of boats to get 10 bucks and our ex to notice us. Like, why would you want this? I'm not trying to rag on Elon Musk. I just. Look, I'm just gonna say it. You know my problem with Elon Musk. What do you think my real problem with Elon Musk is?
- [46:53]
Pat
He doesn't have a dog, Pat.
- [46:56]
Whitney Cummings
He doesn't have a dog. Okay, first of all, if you don't have a dog, of course you're gonna need all these drugs to feel something. Why doesn't Elon Musk have a dog? A cat. Fine, fine. More of a cat guy, probably. Horse. Anything. Anything that requires some emotional capacity at all. If I had that kind of money, I would have every dog. I'd steal other people's dogs and then let them sue me and just pay the settle. Here's a million dollars. I wanted this dog. I want all the dogs. Dog island, dog island. I'd have every horse. I would buy every zoo and return every animal to where they should be living. And yes, would I watch them die immediately because they've never been to the habitat that they were evolved to be in. Yes, maybe I'd take every orca from SeaWorld, but he doesn't. Well, of course he doesn't want to rescue the orcas from SeaWorld, because then what? He puts them back in the ocean and there's no yachts left? Honestly, the SeaWorld thing, it makes so little sense that they keep orcas in SeaWorld at this point. I. I will bet you money that billionaires with yachts pay SeaWorld to keep them there. Okay, I know. I'm all over the place. Fine. It's because I'm no longer on these substances.
- [48:12]
Pat
Wait, can you hook me up?
- [48:13]
Whitney Cummings
Hold on. Is the cocktail that Elon is on available for me to do podcasts so that I can actually get through one without going on a rant about Scientology. Okay. So this substance, I do believe helped me mixed with oxytocin a little bit with what I was going through with grief. Okay, so my parents both had strokes around 10 years ago. They were in beds and, you know, hospitals for, like, six and seven years, respectively, didn't have health insurance, so I had to pay for it. The icu, daily rate, take a guess what that costs. And Kaiser Permanente doesn't really take Hawk to a coin. So the fact that these hospitals charge us any money is truly shocking. By the way, Kaiser Permanente is a prank hospital. I will. I'll die on this hill. It's like the value jet of hospitals. It's the Pinkberry of emergency rooms. Like, I will go. I can go on and on. I once went to Kaiser. I was doing this, like, equine therapy clinic with kids, and the horse that I was on got spooked by a peacock, and we were both gonna fall off. So what I did was I just grabbed the kid and just slid off. And I was like, I know I'm gonna fall on my butt. Whatever. Fall on my butt. I'm like, okay, I definitely cracked. Like, something just bad happened. So I'm, like, trying to walk to, you know, the car. I get to the hospital, they do the X ray, and he's like, you have a cross, you know, crack in your L4 or whatever it was. And I was like, can I see it? Can I see it? Like, you're not supposed to look at the screen. I'm like, I. Can I get some content out of this place? Like, can I take a picture? And he's like, okay, fine. He made me look at it. And then I see it. I see my spine, and then I see the crack. And I was like, that. Are you sure that's not my iud? And he was like, oh, yeah, this is. This is a real hospital. That. And then. And then I checked out, and they proceeded to give me a bill. I was like, did you hear about what happened? I'm fine. Just. He saw my IUD and thought it was a. Didn't know, guys. So the point is, my parents went into ICU. No health insurance. So if over the past 10 years, you noticed me doing any weird sellout paid partnerships around that time, it's because I was paying for fake hospitals and their malpractice, which is most. I mean, look, look, I know a lot of doctors that are like, great, here's the medicine is. It's called a practice. It's not called the championships. They call it a Practice, because they're doing the best they can with what? It's a scrimmage at bat. They should honestly call it a scrimmage at this point. So I'm having to deal with flying, you know, to my mom who can't walk, to a dad who can't move or swallow. Back to Hollywood, where I'm too tall and fat and shrill. Back to the icu, back to touring, where there's often a guy in the front row who sent me death threats, and I'm like, ah, dude, death threat guy. I really can't afford another person in the icu, so my mom and dad are there. So if you're gonna try to kill me, all I ask is that you nail it. You can't almost kill me. I can't take on another ICU bill at this point. It's a weird. It's a weird time when someone's threatening to take your life and you're like, you better not miss and just injure me real bad. I. I hope you're talented. So emotionally, I was pretty wrecked. I was in a state of. It's called depersonalization, I guess, and shock, which I think we all forget about that. I would say my default state in general is shock. Not just because this is my hair at the moment, but since I was a kid, I've just, like, been in shock. Like, I think that's why nothing ever surprises me. You can't surprise someone who's already in a state of shock. So whenever I was telling someone was going on over the past 10 years, and I'm, like, laughing and making jokes, and they're like, are you. Should you talk to someone? Like, are you okay? And I'm like, what do you mean, talk to someone? I have a podcast. I talk to people all the time. I have plenty of social time. I do IG lives. Like, gone. The point is all of this with doing some shows that didn't go for a litany of reasons that were out of my control. Relationships are falling apart because of my inability to let things slide or pretend, unless I get paid by a TV network to do so, in which case, I'll pretend for you. So then my dad dies, mom dies. It's hard. Like, comically awful. And I just. I was just numb. Like, I couldn't cry. I wasn't. Just got weird. And so I was, you know, prescribed to do this oxytocin substance thing. I was told that I just had a lot of, like, unprocessed grief, and I was, like, frozen and in A state of shock. So I was given this substance, slash oxytocin spray, some mushrooms. I did not cry. The goal was for me to cry out the grief. Instead, I started a text chain with all of my friends telling them we need to clean up the water in West Virginia, which by the on New Year's Eve. Side note, don't get me wrong, I was right and I still am. Someone should do that at some point. I wish Doge had handled that. Okay. The water is truly flammable. And I have umbrella insurance specifically so I can call out Dupont for putting Teflon in the water. I say this sober, not that different. People are like, is she on drugs? I'm like, it's really hard to tell.
- [53:11]
Pat
They know each other.
- [53:14]
Whitney Cummings
So the point is, during the pandemic, I did microdose. This substance, not straight. It was mixed with oxytocin. Right. During the pandemic. This is the thing a lot of people are doing. It's starting to become like a prescription for depression and stuff. You remember, you know, when I did it, I had blue hair. I was rescuing all those dogs that ended up biting my fingers off. The great news is that if you are doing the substance and you need to go to the hospital, you are already numb. You save them a lot of time, they just stitch you right up. It's way cheaper if you're someone that gets like, bit a lot. Highly recommend. Look, I definitely think I shouldn't have done that while I was, like, on Instagram and stuff like that and whatever. And it was the pandemic and everyone was on edibles and all this kind of stuff. But I, it. I do think a lot of people have gotten a lot of benefit out of it. It probably just should be for, like, soldiers.
- [54:01]
Pat
It was a good time to have notifications turned on.
- [54:05]
Whitney Cummings
So what's going to happen? Like, do you lose? Does your stockholder get affected by this? Like, does anyone care? How about that? Does anyone care? Or is everyone like me, where they just assume everyone's on substances?
- [54:16]
Pat
Politicians at that level are assumed to be puppeting a plan and not really making their own decisions. And if they're all on drugs, it's because they have to perform. They have to make the appearance. You need to look alert. We're going to give you whatever. You're a performer. You're basically on tour. Like a, like a musician who must make the money every week. They have to perform their duty every week. And if they have to travel and stay up and have a 3:00am press conference and an 8:00am meeting.
- [54:43]
Whitney Cummings
Well, my thing with all these substances is I. My gut is that it's, you know, whatever acronym, you know, organization wants these leaders to be hooked on all these things because if they ever need to put something in it, you know what.
- [55:03]
Pat
I mean, they have their hand on the tap.
- [55:06]
Whitney Cummings
They need something that is going to go into your bloodstream fast. Should they. They need to be addicted to that and have that habit in case they ever need to just dabble a little in there and then you've already been established as a drug addict or just.
- [55:17]
Pat
Yeah. Pave your way out the door or remove the need for a door.
- [55:24]
Whitney Cummings
Yeah, exactly. So they want you publicly to come off like this crazy drug addicted person. So when you just like, you know, die from a drug overdose, it's like.
- [55:32]
Pat
Oh, yeah, didn't you know? Everybody knew.
- [55:36]
Whitney Cummings
You know who they do give this substance to when you want to ride them in zoos? Elephants. Which is why you don't ride them. Yeah, one of the million reasons. Because they're on these same substances. Except the M1 and the E1 that Elon was on.
- [55:54]
Pat
They might end up firing government employees if they aren't happy.
- [56:00]
Whitney Cummings
I was gonna say what is. What is. Is elephant Republican or Democrat? I forgot. Republican is the elephant and donkey is the Democrat. Where do they get that?
- [56:07]
Pat
I think they gave them to each other.
- [56:09]
Whitney Cummings
Oh, that's funny. Oh. Cause Ellipt was never funny.
- [56:12]
Pat
Oh, the jackasses.
- [56:14]
Whitney Cummings
Elephant's not an insult though. Maybe back then it was.
- [56:17]
Pat
I'll look it up.
- [56:18]
Whitney Cummings
The Republicans are not elephants. Elephants have funerals. Do you remember a funeral for a manga?
- [56:26]
Pat
I don't know. I was on a par 5 and a little distracted.
- [56:31]
Whitney Cummings
Don't write elephants, you guys. Love you. Bye. It.