Geopolitical Hot Takes | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 326

Summary

Good For You with Whitney Cummings – Episode 326: Geopolitical Hot Takes (Jan 19, 2026)

Episode Overview

In this episode, comedian and host Whitney Cummings dives deep into the weirdness of modern urban life, online trends, and the geopolitical chaos making headlines in 2026. Joined by her co-host, she blends irreverent personal stories with sharp (and self-aware) social commentary, touching on America’s interventions abroad, viral nostalgia for recent history, and the anxiety-inducing news cycle. The conversation spans topics from daycare scams and city murals to why everyone’s posting 2016 photos and what’s really at stake in Venezuela and Greenland.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Urban Oddities, Post-Pandemic City Changes

• Whitney describes how American cities feel in 2026, post-pandemic, noting a curious brightness and increasing street art:
  • “Every city is a set. Every time I go back to a city, I don't find them like more like depressing... everything just gets like brighter and, you know, more taco standier.” (01:56)
• She relays wild anecdotes, especially about Austin’s 6th Street:
  • "Austin is the bottom of the ocean that we've never explored. I saw a centaur person... 6th street is wild." (02:40)
• Exploration of homelessness and comedy culture intersections, particularly referencing Kill Tony lineups.

2. The $1 Billion Minnesota Daycare Scam

• Discussion of the Minnesota daycare funding scandal, structural loopholes, and a general sense of bureaucratic fatigue:
  • "If you just get a racket that is so boring that no one's going to look into it..." (04:10)
• Insight into why certain frauds fly under the radar—scams succeed when they’re boring or hard to comprehend at scale.
• Absurdity of daycare Yelp reviews and government oversight.
• Reflection on news cycles and activism, questioning whether awareness really leads to action:
  • “So like, that is a lot of trying to... There's like, nothing gets done if it doesn't get covered, it doesn't get seen.” (26:56)

3. Nostalgia, News Fatigue & The 2016 Social Media Trend

• Whitney’s take on why everyone’s romanticizing 2016 with old photos—nostalgia as emotional escape:
  • “Nostalgia is starting to be the only drug stronger than rage... war, war, war, snore, snore...it's a meme that's like, you're this old if you remember this.” (11:20)
• Observes the cycle of ‘unsafe-for-children’ toys being rehashed as nostalgic on social media, noting that even dangerous or strange childhood experiences become comforting memories.
• On the performative nature of activism and news, and the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle applied to media:
  • "You can't catch something happening because catching it affects the event." (24:38)
• Compares journalists and activists to unreliable narrators, always casting themselves as heroes and never the bystanders.

4. Distrust in News and Institutions

• Whitney draws parallels between news reporting and medical practice: "It's like medicine, you know... It's a practice and we're patients, they're practicing. It's our job to be a patient." (30:04)
• Co-host explains historical practices in news, like multiple newspaper print runs and scoops, highlighting the competitive and often exploitative side of journalism.

5. Social Media Virality, Data Privacy & Scams

• Whitney shares a comedy club chat with Indian tech professionals about online advertising’s pervasiveness:
  • “As someone that makes, you know, these ads...what's something that you yourself would never do on the Internet? He's like, never click on an ad.” (19:27)
• Lively critique on data privacy, with tips from industry insiders: always ‘Google it separately’ if you see an ad.

6. Geopolitical Hot Takes: Venezuela, Greenland, and U.S. Interventions

• Whitney and her co-host lay out a “real talk” about America’s mixed history as global police force, weighing up the morality and pragmatism of intervention:
  • “For every World War II, there's a Cuba. For every South Korea, there's an Iraq... we're batting like 50/50 for intervening.” (40:22)
  • “I'm big on non-intervention until there's a bully that can only be handled with a bigger bully... you gotta fight big evil with like a little evil.” (41:05)
• Explore the 2026 U.S. moves in Venezuela (oil) and Greenland (rare earth elements):
  • “Let’s say Venezuela's about oil, Greenland is about the elements that make oil obsolete, right?” (49:41)
  • Whitney insightfully links China’s control of rare earth minerals and American interests in Greenland.
• Adult cynicism: as you get older, priorities shift from idealism (“fighting for the rights of pigeons”) to hard realities (“we’re running out of helium!”).

7. The Limits and Absurdities of American Politics and Policy

• The hosts highlight how world events and social trends collide, with the superficial (2016 photos) coinciding with major invasions or interventions.
• Whitney’s reflections on the unseen work of intelligence agencies: “How much you guys, like, stop something that could have, like, been a disaster, and, like, we never hear about? He's like, truly 15 times a day.” (47:34)
• Skepticism towards both the overt spectacle of politics and the shadowy competence in the ‘deep state.’

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On cities post-pandemic:

  • “Austin is the bottom of the ocean that we've never explored. Like, there I saw a centaur person...6th street is wild.” (02:40)

• On daycare fraud and boredom as camouflage:

  • “If you just get a racket that is so boring that no one's going to look into it.” (04:10)

• On nostalgia as an emotional crutch:

  • “Nostalgia is starting to be the only drug stronger than rage.” (11:20)

• On the illusory power of online activism:

  • “Raise awareness. Can you please do the dorky part, and I'll get back to the dogs.” (26:55)

• On news as unreliable narration:

  • “You can't catch something happening because catching it affects the event...It's like the Heisenberg Principle.” (24:38)

• On interventionism:

  • "For every World War II, there's a Cuba. For every South Korea, there's an Iraq, right...we're batting like 50/50 for intervening." (40:22)
  • "Sometimes you gotta fight evil with...like, you gotta fight big evil with like a little evil." (41:05)

• On the Greenland-Venezuela connection:

  • “Let’s say Venezuela's about oil, like Greenland is about the elements that make oil obsolete.” (49:41)
  • “China has 90% of all of our like rare earth elements. What do you do? Do we let them just have it and see how that goes?” (50:05)

• On existential anxiety as an American:

  • “I have started watching Amish men build barns...It’s my fidget spinner.” (44:54)
  • “We keep making promises to ourselves that we will not keep. And that is fine. I think it works.” (45:52)

• On the weird machinery of government:

  • "When they went into Venezuela, America had a weapon that made the security people's eyes and ears bleed. No, it was not my voice." (43:16)

• On modern attention spans and geopolitics:

  • “Make sure before you say this is ridiculous that we're trying to take Greenland that you wouldn't say the same if...Biden did it." (46:27)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• [01:56] – Whitney’s riff on post-pandemic city transformation and Austin weirdness
• [03:47]-[05:35] – Minnesota daycare scam details and what makes a good scam
• [10:45]-[14:50] – 2016 trend on social media/Nostalgia as a coping mechanism
• [19:27] – Advice from an online ad engineer: “never click on an ad”
• [24:38] – Heisenberg principle as applied to news and activism
• [26:55] – Absurdities of performative activism: “Raise awareness. Can you please do the dorky part?”
• [30:04] – Whitney on journalism as a “practice,” not a reliable channel of truth
• [40:22] – Geopolitical interventions: “batting 50/50”
• [49:41] – “Venezuela's about oil, Greenland is about the elements that make oil obsolete”
• [52:35] – On the unexpected importance of rare minerals and helium
• [58:53] – Satire on political distractions: “Can we tell everyone the Pope’s going to the Super Bowl?”
• [59:23] – The world’s absurd balance: “Is the dress blue or is it gold?... I'm literally on a drone mission... and you’re like, blue or gold?”

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Final Tone & Takeaways

• Whitney keeps things irreverent, self-aware, and consistently comedic, even when spiraling into existential dread or geopolitical realism.
• The overwhelming pace of news and complexity of global politics serves as both an anxiety source and an excuse to lean into “comfort” nostalgia and absurdity.
• Ultimately, the episode underscores the limits of public understanding and the comfort sought in small, manageable distractions—from memes about 2016 to watching YouTube barn-building to just raising awareness (and then moving on to the next thing).

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“We keep making promises to ourselves that we will not keep. And that is fine. I think it works.” – Whitney Cummings (45:52)

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Listen if you want: comic relief with your headlines, skeptical but not cynical takes on America’s place in the world, or a reminder that you’re not alone in feeling lost at the intersection of memes and global geopolitics.

Transcript

[Whitney Cummings]

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[Guest/Co-host]

Their feet were wheels.

[Whitney Cummings]

That is. That's fully function. That's a fully functioning society there. I mean, it. 6th street is wild.

[Guest/Co-host]

It's hard to know where the homelessness ends in the line for kill, Kill, Tony begins.

[Whitney Cummings]

So true that. You know what? That is a really big part of it, isn't it? Minnesota, March 7th. I'm gonna be in Rochester. Is in Minnesota. A little wild right now.

[Guest/Co-host]

Yeah. They're getting a lot of attention.

[Whitney Cummings]

You're a native Minnesotanian, right?

[Guest/Co-host]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Minnesotan.

[Guest/Co-host]

Yeah. It's hard to believe.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. Did you. Do you put your kids in any of those.

[Guest/Co-host]

Any of. Any of the daycares out there?

[Whitney Cummings]

No.

[Guest/Co-host]

I don't know. I've heard things. Yeah, I've heard. Yeah, a lot of.

[Whitney Cummings]

Do you know anyone.

[Guest/Co-host]

A lot of Yelping about the daycares.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, did they have Yelps?

[Guest/Co-host]

I mean, I'm sure people are all over Yelp. I could look into it, but I would imagine they're the Yelp traffic on.

[Whitney Cummings]

I guess my bigger question is, so, like, each of these fake daycares would get, like, $1.5 million from the government. Is that how much a daycare gets?

[Guest/Co-host]

I think the. I think the real compounded problem is some daycare organizations were having one address and saying that there's 11 daycares being run out of.

[Whitney Cummings]

This is why they get away with it, because no one has the attention span to live to. If you just get a racket that is so boring that no one's going to look into it.

[Guest/Co-host]

Yeah. What are you. You're looking into what?

[Whitney Cummings]

I know. It's also. Okay, creepy. Like, if this guy had not found $1 billion of fraud, he would have been a creep. If it was 100 million people, what are you Doing over there? Well, I saw you go to daycare.

[Guest/Co-host]

I saw that video like, an hour after it came out. And the first thing that came across was anybody who goes up to a legitimate daycare shouldn't be allowed or shouldn't be able to get pictures of kids.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. Like, did he.

[Guest/Co-host]

Well, no, that's. So he was using the point as, like, I'm here and I don't see any kids.

[Whitney Cummings]

Good point.

[Guest/Co-host]

And it's like, you should be able to.

[Whitney Cummings]

As soon as a dude in a hoodie rolls up with a camera.

[Guest/Co-host]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

We hide the kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Guest/Co-host]

They're not available. That photographs.

[Whitney Cummings]

When I was in Atlanta, this is something that was so fascinating to me because there was a school right by where we were filming, but it looked like a citadel or something. Like, it looked like a. It was just like this. And I was like, what is going on at that school? And then I was like, awesome things. At first, I'm like, God, it's like a prison in there. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. The playground should just be a giant black box.

[Guest/Co-host]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

That is A. That's 700ft under the ocean.

[Guest/Co-host]

Yeah. No wandering into the.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Guest/Co-host]

Thing.

[Whitney Cummings]

He's like, I went to this daycare and they wouldn't let me see the kids.

[Guest/Co-host]

Yeah. I just wanted the evidence.

[Whitney Cummings]

But I guess that is. Most daycare is you just like. It's like. Is it like a. Like a pet care where you walk by and you see the dogs playing in the window?

[Guest/Co-host]

In Minnesota, there's little reason to have, like, a big outdoor play area for little kids, because the weather's so up and down and crazy. That are really going to spend a lot of time outside. In California, like, if you go to a daycare or you drop your kids off or whatever, you might hear kids playing in the area, because outside, they're.

[Whitney Cummings]

Putting themselves on tape.

[Guest/Co-host]

They're like, I live in Woodland Hills and I can work locally.

[Whitney Cummings]

Union. And check out my tap dancing. Sacramento, March 13th. I'm gonna be in Sacramento. I cannot wait. Santa Rosa, California. I'm gonna be in St. Louis, Missouri, March 19th. Royal Oak, Michigan. Let's go on. March 20th. Omaha, Nebraska. March 27th. Des Moines, Iowa, the 28th. All right, Philly, I'm gonna be there April 3rd at the Miller Theater. This is rescheduled. Go Birds. But also, being a Birds fan. Excuse me. I burped. My body's just, like, rejecting even talking about it. It's just like, I don't. I gotta tell you, like, I know you hate us and we don't care, but not wish this on my worst enemy. Maybe I'm going to be, like, a Cowboys fan just for like, a year. Is that what's wrong with that? Don't people go, like, poly for a year? Can you do something kind of out of character for like, a year? You know how, like, Ari Shafir goes to, like, Burma for, like, six months with no phone? Can I just be a fan of another team for like, a year?

[Guest/Co-host]

There's a bridge across the highway, and the last three times I've gone up.

[Whitney Cummings]

And down the highway, there were Eagles fans jumping off of it.

[Guest/Co-host]

There are Rams fans in Rams jerseys. Just go, Rams.

[Whitney Cummings]

Go Rams.

[Guest/Co-host]

All day long, many days. Three times this week. Go Rams.

[Whitney Cummings]

This is la's. They were talking about the actual sheeps, though.

[Guest/Co-host]

This is parents and their kids standing on the bridge just saying, go, Rams.

[Whitney Cummings]

What does that mean? The fentanyl is in the water.

[Guest/Co-host]

Where do you find the time to do that?

[Whitney Cummings]

Go, Ram. That is a. That's. There's some up here. There's something up. Take a picture next time. Especially of those kids. I. I smell a scheme.

[Guest/Co-host]

I wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it on camera.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know what I'm gonna say? You. I have a son, so you have daughters. Okay.

[Guest/Co-host]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's. There's, like, if he. He could very easily be like, we have to go hold up a sign and support the Rams. And I'd have to be like, okay.

[Guest/Co-host]

All day, all week.

[Whitney Cummings]

And you're a. You're a boy. And if I don't, I cannot. If my child is a serial killer, I swear to God, like all women here is that, like every serial killer, their mom did this. Their mom lied about this. Their mom was actually their sister. Their sister was actually their aunt. Like, I'm just like, how do I get you to not end up on my favorite murder? What do I do?

[Guest/Co-host]

I don't know if the bridge thing's gonna help them.

[Whitney Cummings]

Take me to the plate. Thank you for bringing that up. I haven't talked about Anthony Kiedis in a while and his child bride, have I? Allegedly, Anthony Kiedis. What's up? Still with your girl who's 47 years younger than you? Fact check it. Actually, don't even if it's not. That's what it is. Oklahoma City. I'll be there May 8th. I'm gonna need you guys to show up at Fayetteville, Arkansas, May 9, to pay my legal fees against the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Miami, Florida. I'll be there November 19th to November 23rd. I went to see Bert's show. I went to see Bert's Netflix show. It was like, here's the problem is that I. When I'm being sincere, I sound sarcastic. And I'm just gonna try to say this sincerely. It was great. Did that work? Yeah, like, it was great.

[Guest/Co-host]

See, I believed it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Now it's like, you know when someone gives you a. A gift you really like, and you're like, no, I, like, love this. And you're like, like, well, I normally don't like anything, but I.

[Guest/Co-host]

The gift receipts in the box.

[Whitney Cummings]

Well, this is also, like, I have no practice with, like, liking a show, so I'm just like, is the. It's actually, like, first of all, was made by my ex boyfriend, which is hilarious. My first boyfriend in la. It is so. It pains me to say this. No, it's so funny. And there's something really traditional about it. And I think that we're all, like, craving missionary again. Things have gone so extreme that now missionary is, like, the kinkiest thing you can do. Like, it's. Things have been so. It's just funny. It's just great. It's just, like, hilarious. Even the kid's funny. And it's very rare that I'll say that. Okay, the daughter is really funny, and I'm the person that's like, is she. Is the child funny? The child's funny. The child's a good actor.

[Guest/Co-host]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Whitney Cummings]

Rolling in the aisles at the child who said a sarcastic comment, but she's actually, like, actually really funny. Good. I was. I was shocked. So anyway, I. Stop. Stop goofing off, Pat. This is. This is. We're going to war against Europe, okay?

[Guest/Co-host]

Only Europe.

[Whitney Cummings]

Listen, listen, listen. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Stop being a big goober over there, all right? America has taken over Venezuela. It says under Donald Trump's name on Wikipedia. It says President of Venezuela, by the way. Right. Now, I don't know if they've taken it down, but we may be invading Iran, and we are clearly bulldozing into World War Three. But more importantly, let's just get to something a little more serious. Just real quick, let me just get this out of the way. How fun was it back in 2016? Were we so cute? We were so cute in 2016. Let's talk about it. What is this trend? We're out of nowhere. We're all, like, posting photos of ourselves from 2016. What? Can we. Can we all just choose the year that we peaked? Can we choose what year? Like, what guy who founded a company in 2016 wants an excuse to post photos of him on top of a rock with his Victoria's Secret model wife before she got pregnant and let herself go and started, like, a cricket protein brand. It's like pulling out a photo album at dinner and making me sit and look through your photo album. I have two theories about this. Okay? My first theory is that nostalgia is starting to be the only drug stronger than rage. Like, it seems like we're all going a little numb to rage bait, right? Or. Or at least, like, our tolerance is just so high that to get someone angry, you literally have to show them, like, an AI baby Nick Fuentes dressed like an ICE agent detaining Kanye west and his, like, grand wizard Balenciaga Easy skirt or something. But nostalgia, that's what stops me from scrolling. I'm like, war, war, war. Snore, snore, snore. And then I'm like, it's a meme that's like, you're this old if you remember this. And it's like, the Nintendo Duck Hunt gone. And I'm like, huh, I remember that. Like, I remember. I remember that was taken. Dude, I had the Duck Hunt, the orange. And it got taken from me at the airport when I was like, 8 years old.

[Guest/Co-host]

And it was a gun.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yes. And I'm like, I have so many questions. Like, I forgot about that memory. That weird. Like, why was. First of all, why was that a toy? Why was I traveling with it? Like, that's my childhood in a nutshell. Me, like, at TSA was like, an orange gun. There's a lot of nostalgia toy core in my algorithm. And when I go and look at it, it's like, you 700,000 likes in an hour. I think people are, like, latching on to super dangerous parts of their childhood as twee. They're like, member lawn darts when we almost died. Like, that's how bad it's gotten is as long as it was something horrible that happened a while ago. It's warm, cozy hug, big mom got me hard for a while now. It's like, big nostalgia, big memories or something. Like, I'll just see a popple. Remember Tamagotchi, Cabbage Patch Kid? And I'm like, in this wormhole, I'm like, why were all of our toys when we were kids like gremlins, cabbage? Like, it. It's. Remember the troll dolls? They a thing came up on those. And then you're like, this is so nostalgic. Until you're like, why Are they naked? It. Nostalgia is not even fun anymore because you have to go like, oh, my God. And then you're like, oh, no. Why Winnie the Pooh? Can we just put pants on him? I don't know how many times I have to say this. You got to put pants on. Although once you're potty training like a kid, it is nice to go like, let's do Pooh Bear. And the pants are off, you know, but then you're like, I don't want someone to be like, hey, do you like Pooh Bear? And he's like, and yeah, it's just put the pants on the bear. I don't know what to tell you. That's like how they took the Native American girl from Land O' Lakes. They change. It's not that hard to change something. Change the books. Which, by the way, I googled that because I didn't want to get it wrong. Did you know in the Land O Lakes butter thing, did you know she was on her knees, like, holding it like this? I googled it. First of all, it said she's a Native American maiden. And then I had to google maiden. I don't even know what maiden means. It means unmarried woman. First of all, way to kick her while she's down.

[Guest/Co-host]

When I'm buying butter.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Guest/Co-host]

It's just like, I like to know if she's single.

[Whitney Cummings]

Did you have an old man at home? Like, it was just, what a weird.

[Guest/Co-host]

If I buy this butter, some guy gonna show up at my place with an ax.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's so me to be like, look at this Indian maiden. You called her a maiden. It's just. I love that. Like, was it so hard to sell butter back then? Like, they're like, we gotta figure out a way to get these. Like, you're. Why are you using sex to sell? I mean, I love the guys are. Oh, exotic. If you can't sell butter, your butter sucks. Oh, quit close. Do another thing. You know, you know, you see someone advertising, so harvest something, you're like, do another thing. You can't not sell it. Like, if you need like a Native American, like a, like a thought made in, like, buttering you, it's just like you lost.

[Guest/Co-host]

The butter churning process is rather erotic.

[Whitney Cummings]

If you just have a woman holding a butter churn stick, maybe that's what.

[Guest/Co-host]

They had initially, and then they were like, she can't just be churning, but.

[Whitney Cummings]

Let'S just have a Native American on her knees. Like. Like, I mean, it's. That's less horrifying. But I just, it, it just makes you think, like, I just feel like we spend so much time with people going, like, it's, this is the craziest it's ever been. We've always been like conniving, desperate monsters selling snake oil. Like when pop up ads just follow me around the Internet for four weeks. It's like the equivalent of that. Just been like, I put one shirt in my cart, I said, and I walked away. Like, can we just move on? Why do you need closure? I'm not going to change my mind. I came to my senses. You don't have to follow me around the Internet for six months. I don't buy new clothes. I, I truly can't buy new clothes. There's something like, what is that? It's like, it's like the, the clothing version of being into older men. Oh, do you hear those bubbles? Oh, Buble. Thank God Olipop came along and made it so we could still be kids forever. Olipop is a new kind of soda that combines the classic soda taste with functional ingredients in their blend. It supports digestive health instead of ruining your body. It's a soda that grew up, went to therapy, came back with high fiber and low sugar. And right now they have a new limited edition flavor, the Shirley Temple Olipop. Shirley Temple is like the classic Shirley Temples you remember. Brighter, bolder, and made with real ingredients you can actually feel good about. They're releasing it just in time for dry January. Because you're a drunk, because you got a problem. Okay. The Shirley Temple is the original mocktail that made not drinking fun. So if you're skipping school, if you just want something festive and bubbly that still supports digestive health with real ingredients, less sugar, this flavor is for you. Get a free can of Olipop. Buy any two cans of Olipop in the store. We'll pay you back for one. Works for any flavor. Any retailer, visit Drink Oll Olipop is sold online, drinkolipop.com/Amazon and available with the in the soda aisle with chill beverages. Also in the nationwide with Walmart and Target too. A new year always makes me ask those annoying honest questions, like, how do I actually take better care of myself this year? What would make me feel lighter and less anxious every day, not just for one week in January. For a lot of us, the answer is therapy. But the second you try to find someone who takes your insurance, it gets confusing and expensive and you just give up. And you're like, I just. I have trouble with conflict. How am I supposed to get past this debacle. Rula is a healthcare company that helps you actually use your insurance to get quality mental health care. They work with more than 100 insurance plans, so Rula's patients typically pay around 15 per session when using insurance. Depending on your benefits, your cost could even be lower. Take your goals, your background and your preferences and use that to create a curated list of licensed in network therapists who actually fit what you want to work on, not just whatever is available next. There are no wait lists and no endless searching. You can often find someone who's accepting new clients as soon as tomorrow. And you know what? I'm going to tell you something right now. You need it this year. Make one change that you can actually stick with. Visit rula.com/whitney to get started. Are you la.com/whitney mental healthcare that's actually built to last. If you've been telling yourself I'll find a therapist for years now, this is the year you actually do it. Visit rula.com/whitney to get started. That's ruler R U L A.com/whitney mental health care that's actually built to last.

[Guest/Co-host]

Nobody's tried this song.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, I'm just like, it's a virgin shirt. Like, oh, like I feel gross. It's. If it's from a gas station, I'll usually settle for it being like brand new. Ish. But it has to have like animals running away from Purple lightning.

[Guest/Co-host]

Definitely handled.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. Strangers gently used. Gently used. Which reminds me, last night I was at the Comedy Store. There were these, this group of dudes from India and they were Indian and they worked in tech. Not obviously. Not obviously. And I was like, what do you guys do? And they do ads that follow you around. And I was like. And they were explaining like how it gets your data and how it follows you and whatever. And most people do cave eventually. Most people do just go like, fine, I'll get the shirt. Or they'll go like, my interpretation is they go like, you know what it's meant to be like. I should get that. It's karma. It's, you know, serendipity. This shirt again, I've seen it three times. This means it's meant to be. Like, you know, if you're like a shopping addict, you'll take anything. It's fate. It's fate. And I said to the guys, I was like, okay, so you're just doing that? I was like, so like, as someone that makes, you know, these ads, like, what's something that. Because of how much you know about the Internet. What's something that you yourself would never do on the Internet? He's like, never click on an ad. He's like, ever. And I was like, well, then what if I want to buy it? He's like, go Google it separately. So if you see an ad for something cat's hat, don't click and buy it. There go La Dodgers hat. Separately.

[Guest/Co-host]

Yeah. It's a separate world you're entering altogether.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, do not under any circumstances click on an ad as someone who makes them.

[Commercial/Advertiser]

So.

[Whitney Cummings]

So the 2016 trend. There's something up here, you know, and I'm gonna find it. I just. I have to find. So this is the trend on social media. Everyone is posting like, like, you know, these out of these paintings, out of focus photos. It's like Hipstamatic. Everyone's in, like, Nashville. Phil. It is kind of nice to not see beauty filters, though, seeing, like, bad mascara and, like, bad lip liner and, like, no one's face foundation matches their neck. Like, it's kind of. It's like before, like, you know, we had the filters just blend everything for us. It's like, it's. It's funny. It's definitely funny to see, like, like, everyone out in the club, like, like in tube tops and in Bando, like, Harambe just got shot. And they're like, like, what are we? There was a lot of celebrating in 2016. And, like, if you were just to look at the time capsule of what we're posting, it would look like it was the best. Is this Trump? Because this is when he won him going, this was 2016. This is like a data collection thing. Like, remember when face swap the face they wanted. They were like, let's swap each other's faces. And it's like, so funny. And then you're like, oh, you got me right where you want me. Or the woman's like, see what you look like old. It's like, I don't need to.

[Guest/Co-host]

Okay, first of all, everybody's mailing in their spit.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, you should do.

[Guest/Co-host]

It'll be fun.

[Whitney Cummings]

Remember when it turned into, oh, you're some paranoid weirdo who's not gonna gag into a tub.

[Guest/Co-host]

You're missing out on the fun.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. Like, okay, so you're just not going to know which celebrity you're related to. Okay, We're Luddite. They're already using this face swap stuff, right? To trick people into, like, sending. Sending money and stuff, which is. That was happening before you could. You could have done that over the phone, too. I actually think that it's way easier probably to do it over the phone. Like, I remember one time I. You know, when you first, like, become an adult, you know, at 35, and I got this email. This is when emails. If it said, like, apple.com.net or, you know, I mean, if it was like, [e-mail], you'd be. And it would be like, there's a breach on your account, and we're just trying to make sure that your account secure. I was like, I was at a Whole Foods because they have free WI Fi. And I went to. And when I was two and a half hours on the phone with these, giving them my credit card, they're like, we just need to confirm your routing number of your. I'm like, I find a check. I'm like, here's my routing number. Okay? And they're like, we're just confirming that no one has stole money from your account. I'm like, okay, so check. I'm just, like, giving them everything.

[Guest/Co-host]

They're gonna hang your picture on the office of the scam call center.

[Whitney Cummings]

This is how much of, like, a bleeding heart I. If the person had just gone, like, hey, you don't know me, but, like, I need a thousand dollars. I'd be like, got it. I've been there, man. I have 2,000. Here's half. Pay me back. He's a sure. I'm like, got it. Okay, so 2016. I'm like, okay, why this year of all years? Okay, this is when Trump was elected. Is he trying to, like, make. Is it, like, funny to him that, like, liberals, like, scroll through all of their selfies with the I voted sticker just to remind that, like, there's something up? I Googled it, and the Internet said I was also. There was, like, thought of as, like, the year that we started seeing fake news. I don't know why that was in my. They were like, this is. No, it wasn't. No, wasn't. Because people like, well, this was the end because Russia was hacking. And then all of a sudden, 2016, because election. This is when everything was fake. This was the last year of, like, real news and truth and reality. Guys. News. It's never been real. Sorry. Even if it was real, whatever they reported was, was fake. Like, I'm just. Name one thing we've ever learned in the news that happened.

[Guest/Co-host]

Debatable.

[Whitney Cummings]

You can't catch something happening because catching it affects the event. Right? It's like the Heisenberg Principle, right? Uncertainty principle. It's like, it's like the marching. We're protesting, we're marching. Is there going to be news outlets? Then I'll march. But then how does the news outlet know to go? And if the news outlet doesn't go, did it happen? Right. See once you've worked in scam charities, you can never go back. So there's some animal charities that I work with that aren't scammed. Actually we like would do these like press events, like dog rescue stuff, right? Where you call press, wire, image and photographers to come, like cover, you know, celebrities come so that we can like, you know, raise awareness. And we're, this is back when you like think that you're like using your platform, like moves a needle instead of just makes Reddit hate you. And I work with the Beagle Freedom Project which takes these beetles that are beetles. I rescue beetles, guys. No one would, no one would be shocked.

[Guest/Co-host]

It's just Paul and Ringo at this point.

[Whitney Cummings]

So beagles are the most tested on animal in labs. They're the most tested on dog because they're the most forgiving. I know, I know. Can't, can't, can't. You think I'm sniffling normally? And so we, you know, get them out of the labs, rescue them, and they've never been on grass before and they film them going on grass for the first time and they pretty much just walk in the same circle that they did in their cage because they've never had space. It's this like amazing moment and you know, you invite press to catch it, right? Because you know, you got to post the photos for us to stop the thing. We're going to do the rescue and then you take the photos, you cover and you guys take it from here. When I reveal an injustice on camera, I'm like, so it's fixed, it's the law is changed, right? Someone got. Got that? I did my part. Like you guys got the photo of the abused dog. What do you mean? I thought, wasn't that the modern day equivalent of the napalm girl in Vietnam that just stopped the war. I did my part. You can you run with the animal? People aren't people people. I don't, I don't know how to contact my senator. I don't know how to write a bill. I don't know. I raised awareness. Can you please do the dorky part.

[Guest/Co-host]

And I'll get back to the dogs.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm too busy trying to sew my ear back on my head. So you know, hey you. Hey you know, you everyday Americans who have so much time on your hands between your three jobs and screaming curse words at the sky, can you handle the beagle problem for me? So, like, that is a lot of trying to. There's like, nothing gets done if it doesn't get covered, it doesn't get seen. And if it happens without the coverage, it doesn't exist. So nothing happened if it wasn't documented. And the process of documenting something influences how and if it happens. That's the jam we're in. And you can't trust anyone's account of anything because they always leave the part out of what they did. You know what I mean? It's like when you see someone filming something awful, you're like, you just stood there. They always like, look what I got. You're like, you just stood there. The act of telling someone anything worth hearing inherently doesn't add up because the person telling you, they didn't say what they did. You know, so it's like, you think that what you're. All I care about is, is why you have the information in the first place. When someone's like, yeah, you know this. She said this about you, and she said this about you. And then she said this. It's like, well, why did she feel so comfortable telling you that? And how did she get to the second and the third and the fourth thing? Why did she keep talking then?

[Guest/Co-host]

So then she had my attention.

[Whitney Cummings]

So then she also said this, and I'll find out more for you when I hang out with her tomorrow. It's like, wait, what? I've always been weird about just any information. Like, it's just like whenever someone comes to you with any, they always have to make themselves the hero in any story. A journalist is already doing that by nature, going, like, I'm a journalist. I'm the person who gets the truth. Like, that's my thing, you know? And if anyone else did any of the stuff that you're doing, it'd be stalking, it'd be obsessive, it'd be creepy, whatever. Fine, fine. But remember, like, how for a while there, every couple months, like, a new person killed Osama bin Laden. Remember? It's like, okay, but we're not like to say anything because, like, you were there, you are a hero. But like, it's this, okay? Like, we entered into that. We're like, yeah, yeah. I mean, if someone said, I shot bin Laden, I feel like many did that. I'm sure after they shot him, they all shot him. We got him, we all Shot him. You're like, everyone's like, no, he was still twitching. Like, sorry. Like, I think mine's the one that really put him out. You know what I mean?

[Guest/Co-host]

You would have left him alive.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, you, you. Which is a way better way. Like, why did you do that so fast? Like, we still need to get some information out of him. Like, well, I didn't want you to do it first.

[Guest/Co-host]

We were going to talk to him.

[Whitney Cummings]

Look like you cocked that pretty hard, but I had to threaten him.

[Guest/Co-host]

I killed him, and they're mad at me for it.

[Whitney Cummings]

I love the idea of them turning on each other and Osama bin Laden being like, do you guys need a man? I just all at the same time, ready?

[Guest/Co-host]

They have like a Mexican standoff with each other to figure out who gets to kill that guy.

[Whitney Cummings]

If you shoot him first, I will kill you. I said, they're holding guns to each other. Like, nah. It's also. It's like the news is just. I think this was maybe the year that less skeptical people, you know, had to just accept that, like journalists and news is. Is like medicine, you know, like doctors. It's like the day that you realize it's a practice and we're patients, they're practicing. It's our job to be a patient. And you're like, oh, they have it right there in the name. I thought it was the championships. I just remember as a early teenager, maybe late kid, getting newspapers, and it was like, this happened yesterday. I'm like, so when the. Huh. You'd read about something that happened the next day with no Internet. Like, how did you guys even get any of this information? From 9 to 4, everything's closed. Sorry you had to print it in for it. I was always like, when did this print? Wait, this happened yesterday? So what? But everything closes at 10.

[Guest/Co-host]

You're talking about pre Internet.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. You would get a story that was like, this happened yesterday. And you're like, but Everything closes at 9.

[Guest/Co-host]

Printed newspapers, the metropolitan newspapers, they do two runs. They'd print one at 3 or 4 in the morning, and then they print an afternoon edition with corrections that came out during the day.

[Whitney Cummings]

But you, so what, went to the hospital in the middle of the night. What's the rush to get me this news that I didn't know happened? And you're going to. How about you get me this news without harassing the moment of the victim in the middle of the night?

[Guest/Co-host]

If they heard anything, the little light bulb went off and they're like, what a scoop. And then they'd go back when they got paid.

[Whitney Cummings]

But they're. But, but that's when you're like, what kind of person, what kind of person signs up to what kind of person is like, yeah, I get to like, go to the hospital and like ambush someone at their house at two in the morning. Like that. That's what I'm. So I can get the scoop. I'm going to get the dirt.

[Guest/Co-host]

Yeah. And then their competition from the other papers hanging around the er.

[Whitney Cummings]

I mean, it's SNL for journalists. You don't have to do it at midnight on a Saturday. You can do it when moms can be there.

[Guest/Co-host]

They're not going to get the scoop.

[Whitney Cummings]

Look, I, I'm an in the weeds person. You know this about me. I live in the weeds. And you, you know this and I just. I do. We know Kim Porter's cause of death. Still, still, still, still. It's changed a couple times. So even when we do have real news guys, we have to know the history of the news and how we got here. You, you have to know so many newss for one story. You're like this. We'll remember what it used to be. I remember what it was before news evolves, which means it was never. So my thing with news now is I'm like, oh, this is happening. Can you just fill me in in a couple months when you're at the.

[Guest/Co-host]

The Minnesota thing, they are taking action, like on the streets about a story that hasn't been litigated for a second. Nobody's gone to court. No evidence has been provided on any of it at all.

[Whitney Cummings]

Does someone have to sue them?

[Guest/Co-host]

Well, the federal government is going to do an investigation to find out where did any money go that it wasn't allocated correctly. Yeah, but nobody's been to court, nobody's filed charges. None of this. So there's no actual measurable reality going on other than, hey, I've got an idea that anybody could latch onto and argue it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Well, also, there's. I love the things that shut us down as well. Like, what makes you care about an issue? Like, does it have to be solvable, unsolvable, or what? As soon as they went, it was $1 billion. I'm like, I'm out. Cartoon. That's a cartoon amount of money. I'm just going to say it. I love TikTok for so many reasons. Come for me. I don't care. I love it. It's going to the mall. And the new thing I like to do is find artists on TikTok that are making like cool like AI stuff or just like cool stuff and dming them and being like hi, can I hire you to make something like a tour announcement or something? They always say send me a Cash App. So I'm obsessed with Cash App. I do use it for everything, just day to day keeping my money organized. They've added something that is really smart and safe because a lot of these things are kind of sketchy. Cash App just released a new status program for for the way that people actually spend. It's called Cash App Green. It unlocks new ways for you to pay, get rewarded and easily grow or manage your money on your terms. Now, when you spend at least $500 a month with the Cash App App or Cash App Pay, you earn green status which unlocks benefits up to $200 of free overdraft coverage, higher borrow limits and custom personalized Cash back offers every day Friday at places you love to shop. Turn everyday spending into status with Cash App Green. Download Cash App today and visit cashapp.com-new to learn more about this and other great features. Launching now for a limited time, new Cash App Customers can earn $10 if they use the code CASH APP10CASH APP10 in their profile at signup. Send $5 to a friend within 14 days. Terms apply. Cash App as a financial Services platform, not a bank Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank Member FDIC Cash App Green Overdef coverage Borrow with Cash Back Offers and promotions provided by Cash App a Blog, Inc. Brand Vision Cava Slash Legal Slash Podcast for full Disclosures People keep asking me about my 2026 resolutions. Sure, I've got the usual goals. Read more Hit the gym. Maybe learn how to crochet. This year there's a new one at the top of my list. It's to get comfy. That's where bombas comes in. They're bringing serious comfort to all my everyday Go to's. First up, the all new Bombas sports socks. This year I really want to stick to my walks and workouts. And these socks are perfect. They're cushioned where I need it most, sweat wicking and loaded with tech features that keep my feet comfy and locke in instead of sliding around and plotting my downfall. And the new Squishy Saturday Suede Slipon for comfort on the go. Errands, airport runs, bookstore trips. And what I really love is the mission. For every item you purchase, the essential clothing item is donated to someone facing housing insecurity one purchase, one donated. With over 150 million donations and counting, head over to bombus.com Whitney use code Whitney for 20% off your first purchase. That's Bombus. B O m b a s.com whitney code whitney@ checkout. I can't, like, I can't fathom it. So I can't participate in this. Like, I think you need someone who understands like how zeros work a little better. Because once it's a billion, like, that's above my big grade. Like, I can't understand it. And also at that point, they're in the right at this point, because what's going on with you guys that it got to this? You know what I mean? I kind of go like, this is so convoluted, entangled. Because that doesn't happen by accident. It 3,4 million bucks could have, could have fallen through the cracks. Once it's a billion, it's like, oh, this is like, like people were in on this. Oh, right.

[Guest/Co-host]

Yeah. The, the idea is that the investigation will hopefully lead to like a system wide issue that's actually going on across the whole country.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Guest/Co-host]

And not just there. Like, that happened to be a thing that sparked the idea. Like the hunch is the story.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's not right. Of course, of course, of course, of course. Yeah, but you do that all day long. You know what I mean? It's like I walk down the street, I'm like, money laundering, money laundering, mattress store. Okay. Like, you're just like, nothing's what it is.

[Guest/Co-host]

But you wouldn't believe it if they tried to prove it wasn't.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't have time. I don't. I can't, I can't. That's on you. I raised awareness. Anyway, so 2016, do you think this is. You're always in my head when I go like, 20. The innocent thing is always something else. Why are we all posting 2016 photos? Gun to your head?

[Guest/Co-host]

I think it's, it's a generation on social media that is having their final throws.

[Whitney Cummings]

Because what is 2016 to that?

[Guest/Co-host]

Oh, because 10 years ago. Oh, so they're, they're having their final throws of their 20s and they're like, oh, I'm still young. Look at only 10 years ago I was but a boy.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's just so they can say 10 years ago because nine years ago is weird.

[Guest/Co-host]

It's, hey, guys, 11 years ago.

[Whitney Cummings]

Dorks. We are such dorks. Like, it is weird when someone's like, do you want to come to my 39th birthday party? I was Like, I, of course, I'm like, I got to post the 2016 photos everyone's doing. I got to not, you know, and then I had to go through all these photos of me from 2016. I'm like, I don't need this. Some of us didn't have a great 2016. Some of us had to go through photos of us with men who had, you know, wore a rope as a belt, who needed to make time to go work on themselves, who produced movies that never came out, but for some reason still had to go to Miami twice a month. I don't need to relive that. I don't, I don't need to relive a stroll down memory lane. This is where AI can really come in handy. Like, hey, is this gonna be nostalgic or mentally crippling to participate in this trend? It's just whenever something happens the same time of some wild invasion or something, it's like, you know what, though? I do picture a lot of people like, oh my God, look at my 2016. Like, anything to not have to learn how to spell Venezuela. It is like, it is funny. The more serious things get, the more unserious we all get. You know, it's like life is over la Boboland. You know, it is kind of interesting how we're in these polls. Like, extremely serious, life threatening revolution, like horrendous videos and then just like, boo, boo lady. But I don't talk about international politics. I should, I mean, I should, but the Venezuelan thing is like half my friends being like, I mean, it's for America to get the oil. And you're like, do you even know what you're saying? Like, who, what, what parrot at a pet store?

[Guest/Co-host]

This is the first time that the government has explicitly said exactly why they did it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Now it's when you do see something real or someone just saying something, that's AI, they're telling the truth. That can't be real.

[Guest/Co-host]

I believe that I said that.

[Whitney Cummings]

Look, in terms of America, why do they have to intervene everywhere? I'm, I'm gonna play a little bit of devil's advocate on that. If you're one of those people, which is like, we have a pretty even track record, right? For every World War II, there's a Cuba. For every South Korea, there's an Iraq, right? For every Vietnam, there's an Afghanistan, like, right, we're batting like 50, 50 for intervening, right? I'm not going to say what I think is going to happen because I never feel like I have enough information to do so. But I do, I do feel like when crazy people are in power and Maduro's this, this dude's nuts. I am, I'm big on non intervention until there's a bully that can only be handled with a bigger bully. You know what I mean? I'm into bullying the bully. Like I think we are so delusional about how much evil there is in the world. Okay. Sometimes you got to fight evil with. You got to fight big evil with like a little evil. Okay. I don't know if you've ever been on a plane and had someone answer a FaceTime. I have. And everyone looks around like this guy who's gonna. Someone say something. I'm like, this is where I shine. I have a very specific set of skills. Skills that I've accumulated over a very weird career and terrible childhood. And I would love nothing more than if it's actually just to go in and handle this. Like when there's a woman on the flight who pulls out a perfume bottle and is about to spray, I'm like, like I get to go in in hand. Some people get migraines. Baby girl, grab some baby wipes, wipe the crevices in the bathroom and then you can do the perfume of baggage claim. Okay? But also this guy, this guy had to, I mean if, if America didn't go in and extract this dude, him and his wife frankly would have been torn apart. Like this is maybe the most dignified version of how this guy was going to go, right? I mean they let him change clothes four times. By the end he's in like James Purse. Like he's in like John Varvatos. Like Oxford's with like a wedge. It was like, hold on. This is a pretty good way to go. Opposed to being like impaled by the statue of yourself. It's a nice reminder when something like this happens that sometimes the government works. Like sometimes like it's got it. It can function. We're used to seeing such a nonsense part of the government, you know, that, that you. The one that, that actually can function and pull off things. It's kind of nice to be like, oh, got it. We don't see that part. Like when you go to the DMV or you try to get like a copy of your birth certificate, you're like, is am I inside a godaddy? Like what is this? Like is this a squarespace? Like I'm, I'm confused. Like you would ought to pay a ticket. And you're like, hold on. What happens if there's like an Iranian dictator with nukes. Is this our A team? Like, that computer's actually a speaking spell. Like, what is the plan? And you're like, oh, no, this is. They don't spend the money on this. It's on the B2s. That's where our taxes go. Like, when they went into Venezuela, America had a weapon that made the security people's eyes and ears bleed. No, it was not my voice. And no one knows what. Like, you're like, oh, got it. They don't spend the big bucks on the talent down at the courthouse. They. They put it into the invisible bomb that makes your eyeballs fall out. Like, that's where, you know, it's just. This is the most grew up in an alcoholic thing I will ever say. That, like, makes war. Oddly comforting is when you're like, oh, like, we've got all the things we need. We're all just looking for something. Like, that's a modicum of, like, competence. Like, I've started watching Amish men build barns very quickly, and there's something really. It's my fidget spinner. I don't know. It is, like, I think that would just. Feeling so helpless. And, like, you're like, I just want to watch someone build things with their hands, you know, it, like, tells your amygdala there are still people out there who can protect you. They won't, but they can, you know? And then you'll promise yourself that you're gonna learn how to do stuff like grow your own food and pickle stuff in case of the apocalypse. You won't, but you will promise yourself that you will. And that is how we're keeping it all together right now. We keep making promises to ourselves that we will not keep. And that is fine. I think it works. I think it works. I'm gonna do this thing. I'm gonna buy this plot of land. You just keep making plans that you will never execute. I'm gonna start doing red light therapy on my face tomorrow. It's. I have the thing. If you think I'm taking it out of the box. I hate your guts. It's just. But I'm gonna do it. You know, that's how tiny our, like, wins need to be right now. I think we're all in this, like, purgatory of. I'm kind of over here trying to live forever. But, like, what if we die tomorrow? Like, how do we proceed? That's so us. As soon as you say to a guy, I don't think this is working. All of a sudden, they become the best boyfriend ever. Like, this is. You could have done this this whole time. You know, people only try when there's an actual threat. Like the same guys who say, america is Rome, we're a falling empire, but here's the pills and the power to snort, to live forever. Promo code. Live forever, strong for life, stay hard, Millionaire mindset. Now Greenland, just. All I ask is that if you talk about the Greenland thing, if I see you at Starbucks or the airport, just don't. Don't be like, why is he trying to take we. You don't have to like Trump to know that we need it. I'm just like, make sure before you say this is ridiculous that we're trying to take Greenland that you wouldn't say the same if you're on if Biden did it.

[Guest/Co-host]

I have a harebrained theory, and it's agnostic of political party. All these global power struggles right now are bigger than Trump and that administration and seizing Venezuela and seizing Greenland are things that only the craziest president ever would attempt to do. And they've got him in their hands, and now we're doing it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Look, once you, I think, are a parent, once you've seen horrific death in your life, of which I, like, have things get a little clearer and you stop saying, in a perfect world, and you just go, though this is the world, and you've seen people's nature, and it's like we say, we don't want China to go into Taiwan. Well, if they get all the oil from Venezuela, they can do that. You know, it's sort of like, there's things that you want in a perfect world, but you don't realize what needs to be stopped in order for that perfect world to happen. But the. Sometimes the stopping something is preventing an act of aggression that you don't want later, but the stopping seems aggressive or you don't. We never know what's been avoided all the time. Like, I was talking to someone. I've been in the CIA a long time ago, and I'm like, just curious, like, because we make fun of you guys and think that you're, like, monsters who, like, put messages in our music and stuff and, like, are just like. Like, just drug addicts who just, like, manipulate people and, like, assassinate our favorite musicians and stuff. And I'm like, so, like, what's, like, how much you guys, like, stop something that could have, like, been a disaster? And, like, we never hear about. He's like, truly 15 times a day. Like, the whack a mole that they are playing to keep it that they never get to tell us. And I'm like, it must be so. It's like when a guy's like, I could have cheated on you and I didn't. And you're like, am I supposed to give you credit for that? Like, but if you keep it to yourself, you're like, I could have cheated. And I like, I have to tell someone. You know what I mean? But they. Maybe they don't, you know, but like, Greenland people. I don't know what this thing is where people think we're just like steel. It is elements, man. Remember that whole thing we had to memorize in school? The table of con. Periodic table. I don't remember it one bit. And stoichiometry is not where I shine. But it's like we were memorizing all this stuff and just be like, like, that's everything. That's everything, right? Like these. Greenland has elements that, like, make phones work and like, airplanes work. It's like, it is a giant island of ice. It's only like 57,000 people live there. Which, like, that's so funny. It's like, it's a giant island of ice. It's just like all of our, like, podcasters who are like high performers are just trying to go over there to like, dry hump it so they can live forever. Like, I'm never gonna age. They all. Everyone wants to be Edward Cullen in Twilight. Like, you're 18. How long have you been 18? A long time.

[Guest/Co-host]

What'd you look like in 2016?

[Whitney Cummings]

That's so funny. If this is just a sneaky way to get girls to post photos pre botan.

[Guest/Co-host]

It's a bunch of 26 year olds getting girls to post their high school pics.

[Whitney Cummings]

Whoever looked amazing in 2016 and amazing now who's like, yeah, post a photo of you in 2016. Like, brutal. So let's say Venezuela's about oil. Like Greenland is about the elements that make oil obsolete, right? Like, it's. These are. I think it's safe to say that we don't need Venezuela's oil. Like, it's. It costs us more money to get it right. This is, by the way, all stuff I've run by my very, very much smarter than me brother. And I say it like I came up. I'm like, like, he'll say it to me. It's like, that's a. It costs so much more money to go get that oil. Also, oil's the cheapest. It's Been in a while. Again, all me plagiarizing my brother telling me this in a dismissive way. So I'm relaying in a dismissive way to seem like I know way more than I do.

[Guest/Co-host]

But I was given all this information sarcastically.

[Whitney Cummings]

So no, I'm like, I'm like making my brother explain this to me, which is, look, look, it's. You really have to spend a lot of time on it to like put the pieces together and just take your ego out of it. Because it's like, okay, the oil is seized. China immediately starts buying up silver. And no one can sell silver without like a permit in China. And silver is what is used, right, for solar panels. So it's like, I don't know what to tell you. China has 90% of all of our like rare earth elements. What do you do? Do we let them just have it and see how that goes? It's almost like some of you don't have a scarcity complex. It's almost. You grew up getting dinner. I got it. There wasn't one plate of food put in front of all of you. There's wasn't one. I just realized that that was not normal. Put a plate of chicken nuggets down and that was it. We all had to lick them. I didn't realize that that was that. Everyone got their own plate. If you got your own plate, I'm sure you think all this is crazy, you know, but it's just, there's a point where you just go like, the world is a giant smash and grab. And as you get older and you have a child, you start to be like, look, yeah, we need to melt that giant glacier and get all the magnesium and the minerals and that are just 50 vowels in a row. And just because you don't know the them, I, they have like 50 vowels and like a dash and then a number. I don't know it either. You're. You're just. Cuz it's embarrassing to admit you don't know what the minerals are. Doesn't mean they're not important. They do this on purpose so that we don't talk about it. Okay, like, before I had a kid, I was like, we need to fight for the rights of pigeons. Cuz puddles are toxic and they're full of waste. And then you have a kid and you're just like, we're running out of helium. Where's the helium? Not because you need to blow up balloons for a birthday party. It's like helium is used for like welding. Do people Know this or am I just. We have the Macy's Day parade and then this huge helium full of like paw patrol motorcycle falls on a kid, snaps their Achilles, they have to go to the hospital, use an MRI machine. They're like, sorry, we're out.

[Guest/Co-host]

The thing that like, is it valuable or is it not valuable?

[Whitney Cummings]

This is what's tricky about it. It's like, so I would like to get a tortoise and you have. I love that you're just going solving, but you have to put it in your will because it's already going to outlive me by like 50 years. So the idea of planning for a time when you're not going to be alive is not something we do or not something you'll ever really do unless you're a parent. And even then it's kind of like they'll fix this. By then we all have, like, someone will figure that out. But is, is someone figuring out helium? Like, is there someone I can speak to? Is there a manager? I just need to know if we have a handle on this or not. I think we all as a society thought we were past like mining. Like we're, we're mining like data now. The idea of like mining minerals, we're like, we don't have that. We're still fighting over rocks. Like, it's a weird thing when you think like, I thought we. So all the tech bros in Silicon Valley that are tracking our period didn't figure out how to make a comp for all these minerals that we're fighting. It's just there's a giant thing of ice that we all need to fight over. What? It's just, it's too much to take on. I don't think any of us are ready for what is under the earth that we didn't know was there that we need. Do you know? I mean, I don't think any of us are ready for like, you know, a lot of people know about this stuff in this big thing, ice, and you don't know about it and we do and you're never gonna hear about it. And like, honestly, like, I'm just Remember when they discovered a fifth ocean? And I was like, I'm not taking on a fifth ocean. Because then I'd have to list the other oceans. Then I have to wait. There were four. Like, I just. We're back to geology class, we're back to Earth science class. And I think a lot of us are just like, wait, I, I was promised I would never have to say manganese. Again, I can't take on new species. I can't take on stuff that we learned in third grade that I, like, forgot. Like, have forgotten already. It's like I was watching. There was this diver because you know how obsessed I am with what's at the bottom of the ocean. And this guy said he was down there and he believes there's still a Megalodon, like, that Megalodons still exist. I get why people shut down what they think is conspiracy because they just can't envision it. It's like the bugs in the eyelashes, like, that's a conspiracy. But I'm gonna move on with my day. I can't deal with the bottom of the ocean. All right? The school buses with tails that have a head full of guns. I'm not taking on Megalodon. For real. I get it. As soon as someone says, we need Greenland because the minerals, I'm like, la, la, la. I got a C minus on that test, and I don't ever have to hear about that again. All right? But I also think, like, you know, it's hard for a lot of people to admit that there are real gangsters in the government. I don't mean, like, the thugs that, like. I mean, like, that you never meet. You're never gonna meet. They live in Missouri, they live in Ohio. You're never gonna meet them. Like, on. It was June 22nd, when they sent the. The B2 bombers. It was like, no one really fought that. No one. No one seemed to have a problem with that. Like, because it was like, so surgical. It went in and it was just like, we saw that B2 bomber, and if your nipples did not get hard, I cannot help you. When you saw that video of that B2 bomb, I mean, it was just like, you know, no one seemed to have been mad about that at the time. It was like, yeah, Iran tra funded, trained and armed Hamas, like, since the 80s. Like, there was no way to be like, why is. Are we. Is America meddling with those nukes? You were like, I feel like they knew some stuff we didn't know. That was a good, good call. I don't. I wish. I wish Biden had done it. But, like, fine. Even Biden said that they were. That Iran was complicit in October 7th, you know, but. But then again, so was Hunter. I mean, I don't know what to tell you. I'm not a pro war person, but I am an anti bully person. All right? I think there was a point where you. If you're not going to send me over to Iran to talk to the ayatollah personally. Give me a couple. I can change him. Okay. I can change men with my love. This is where I. This is where I really shine. But if you're not going to do that because you suck at foreign policy, something has to give. Dude, Iran in the 70s. Have you seen these photos of Iran in the 70s? It was like Manhattan without the rats and poop everywhere. It was like, Iran in the 70s was like, Milan. It. Like, it was, like, amazing. It's. I think that when you're in your 20s, you don't care about history. You don't care about anything about yourself. So it took me this long to be like, I've never seen a photo of Iran in the 70s. It looked like that and then did that. It's important to just go, you know what? We don't see everything. And there are some people in this government that probably don't even care who the president is, frankly. And they don't even talk to them. Like, you guys don't talk to me like your puppets, your mascots. You're the prom queen. Like, we don't take you seriously. We're handling. We're cleaning up a mess that you don't even understand because you spend most of your time speaking at, like, Goldman Sachs to get paid to get elected. Like, we don't need any. We don't need, like, the ego of what you do. Like, you know, we build B2 bombers. Like, you wouldn't understand what we do. That these are people that live, like, 50 yards under the Denver Airport who know so much stuff that we don't know. And. No, but it's not the Denver Airport. If we think it's the Denver Airport, then it's obviously somewhere else. But I, like, I love that the Denver Airport started leaning into it. Like, they say, like, construction is just like an alien doing construction. Like, it's so funny now you're making me think it is here. I wonder if there is just an office building or whatever it is somewhere. It's gotta be like a floating submarine in the middle of the sea or something. That's like, you know, the person who's like, all right, we need to pull the trigger on, you know, getting Ayatollah out. How are we gonna do whatever it is? And the guy next to him who's just like, okay, so let me know when to start the 2016 trend. Should I. You tell me, like, what do you. What do you think we should. Should we cancel Mother Teresa, she was. She was like, what? John Wayne was racist? Like, I have a whole. I got a couple. I.

[Guest/Co-host]

Can we tell everyone the Pope's going to the Super Bowl?

[Whitney Cummings]

Trump said Rosie o' Donnell was fat. That one. That one is just a gift that keeps on giving. Like, it just keeps. Like, the idea that the dumbest person on earth is right next to the smartest person on earth trying to sync.

[Guest/Co-host]

Up the chemistry is magic.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's one person's job to send the B2 bomber or, like, the nuke, and the other person's job to be, like, Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo are being weird with each other at the Grove in L. A. And they're just, like, right next to each other. Their work wives.

[Guest/Co-host]

That's how the planet stays balanced.

[Whitney Cummings]

Is the dress blue or is it gold? You got to take a look at this. The guy's like, dude, I'm literally on a drone mission. I'm saving children's lives at the moment. He's like, blue or gold? This is a good one. They're going to love this one. And if you're someone that is thought of as an evil leader right now, Trump, I mean, the best thing you can do is expose even more evil leaders. You know, it's like you're fighting with your guy, and you're like, why are you. Well, Johnny full on cheats on Lindsey, and you're like, you know what? Thank you. Like, that worked. Everything is relative. It's a weird time. I went three days off news, and I came back and we were, like, at war. I was like, your tolerance will go down too much if you plan on, like, drinking a lot at the bachelor party. Don't not drink. Leading up to it.

[Guest/Co-host]

Train. You have to train.

[Whitney Cummings]

You have to train with news. You have to keep your tolerance high, because when you come back in, it's just gonna be like, it's too much puking at 9:30. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I was, like, in London for the holiday. I was like, you don't read the news for, like, five days, and you come back and it's like, Diddy pardoned by Trump.

[Guest/Co-host]

Within six months of Diddy being released, there will be a white party hosted by Diddy at Trump's new ballroom.

[Whitney Cummings]

We'll see, man. Okay. I've been rambling too much. Love you guys. Don't ride elephants. Bye.

[Commercial/Advertiser]

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