Ghosting Aliens and RIP Water | GFYP #352

Summary

Good For You with Whitney Cummings – Episode #352 "Ghosting Aliens and RIP Water" (July 22, 2026)

Host: Whitney Cummings
Guests: Jonathan Cohen, Chris

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Episode Overview

In this lively, comedic episode, Whitney and her friends muse on everything from the mysteries of alien visitations and UFOs, to absurdities of modern-day trends, dangerous water cups, generational shifts in reading and memory, and the unsung heroics of drawing cartoon platypuses for children. The conversation swerves seamlessly from pop culture critiques to personal anecdotes, always loaded with wit, clever commentary, and meta self-awareness.

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Main Topics & Key Insights

1. Band-Aids, Moles, and the Comedy of Trauma

• Timestamps: 01:01–05:36
  Whitney opens the show joking about the Band-Aid on her face from a mole removal, riffing on aging, trauma, and skin insecurities.
• She humorously compares trauma to a comedic superpower:
  “Thank God I have trauma. Like, at least I’m funny... Ostensible sanity is not one of them.” (04:02)
• Anecdotes about family quirks and the peculiar realities of getting older.

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2. The Confusion of Modern Life

• Timestamps: 05:36–07:56
  Whitney and Jonathan share stories about being baffled by current technology (e.g. paying for parking), online shopping, and how roles and routines are constantly changing.
• Quip: “If you haven’t been to a store in a couple of years, you are such a boomer.” (05:41)

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3. Netflix Jokes, Production Credits, and the Business Behind TV

• Timestamps: 07:56–10:02
  Debunking rumors about Netflix cutting jokes and poking fun at the endless parade of production company logos in entertainment.
• Whitney on credit vs. cash:
  “There was all this like, whenever I would do something, it was like, well, we’ll put your production company... I’m like, no thanks. I don’t want anyone knowing, thinking I produced this. How about money?” (09:23)

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4. Brazilian Aliens & UFO Disenchantment

• Timestamps: 10:02–12:26
  Discussion turns to alleged UFO sightings in Brazil, with Whitney drawing a parallel between aliens and unreliable ex-boyfriends:
• Quote: “At this point, I am still willing to believe in aliens. I’m just—I'm no longer considering them a superior race. They can't get it together.” (10:03)
• Satirical musings on why aliens always appear to “farmers in overalls” and Whitney’s growing apathy:
  “I’m just personally at a point where I can’t keep trying to pretend to care about aliens. You’ve taken too long.” (12:28)

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5. Aliens as Ghosting Exes (Peak Metaphor)

• Timestamps: 12:28–16:22
  Whitney launches into an extended analogy, comparing alien encounters to being ghosted by a bad ex:
• Memorable Quote:
  “Aliens are basically that ex that shows up way past when you still care about them. Like, it’s been so long since I’ve been in love with you—I’m now into hockey.” (12:44)
• Discusses moving on from alien hype (“Aliens need to just put a ring on it or move on. I’m bored.” [15:48]) and relates it to personal growth after bad relationships.

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6. Water Crisis, Stanley Cups, and Modern Naivete

• Timestamps: 16:22–23:26
  A comic takedown of the Stanley Cup water trend, including recent headlines about lead contamination and consumer crazes.
• Joke: “The Stanley Cup was already bad for you. It was making people punch you in the head. What was in it was not even the problem.” (21:16)
• Reflections on society’s optimism (“We are the most hopeful species on Earth. It’s, like, downright adorable.” [23:00]), and pokes fun at America’s trust in corporations for safe hydration.

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7. Are We Really Done Reading?

• Timestamps: 26:16–33:11
  Whitney pushes back on a recent Atlantic article calling it “the end of reading,” highlighting the irony of consumption today:
• Quote: “Social media is all words. It’s all subtitles. All we do is read things I shouldn’t have to read all day, all day long… We’re reading more than ever. It’s just that we’re reading nothing.” (27:33)
• Laments the shift from reading for joy to reading endless user agreements, TikTok captions, and performative social posts.

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8. Book Culture, Podcaster Books, and the Writing Crisis

• Timestamps: 33:11–36:07
  Whitney and Chris satirize the saturation of podcaster-authored books and question the literary value of “classics.”
• Wit: “The idea that people consume a podcast host’s content two, three hours a week, and they’re like, ‘Guys, I finally made something I’m proud of! You gotta spend money on all my secrets!’” (32:35)
• Jokes about how writing has become so rare that handwriting a birthday card feels “like a serial killer in a 90s movie.” (35:51)

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9. Domestic Life, Drawing Cartoons, and Dudes Being Dudes

• Timestamps: 36:07–39:03
  Discussion of male simplicity, being engaged to a “dude,” and the unexpected ways men show love—like drawing Perry the Platypus.
• Quote: “There’s two speeds. Fighting a meteor or drawing Squidward.” (36:26)

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10. Memory, Multitasking, and Information Overload

• Timestamps: 39:03–43:31
  Whitney and guests muse on memory loss (intentional or accidental), how we multitask to the point of “not being able to unitask,” and forgetting bizarre facts—like how many people are killed by coconuts each year.
• Quote: “We don’t talk enough about the benefits of having no memory anymore. We used to have memories.” (40:31)
• Comically laments pens that don't write, and buying notebooks as props for "fake desks." (42:24–43:12)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “Remember in Uncle Buck? … For the rest of my life I was like, moles on your face are bad.” [02:57] – Whitney
• “At this point, I am still willing to believe in aliens… I’m just—I'm no longer considering them a superior race.” [10:03]
• “Aliens are basically that ex that shows up way past when you still care about them.” [12:44]
• “The Stanley Cup was already bad for you. It was making people punch you in the head. What was in it was not even the problem.” [21:16]
• “It’s not that we aren’t reading anymore, it’s just that we’re reading nothing.” [27:48]
• “Every podcaster has a book about their depression and trauma. Guilty as charged.” [31:58]
• “I tried to write a birthday card for my friend’s kid, and it looked like a threat.” [35:51]
• “We don’t talk enough about the benefits of having no memory anymore. We used to have memories.” [40:31]

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Additional Highlights

• Ongoing theme of generational changes—how technology, media, and cultural fads warp our sense of time, value, and identity.
• Running gag about the futility (and cuteness) of trying to stay safe, stay hydrated, or stay informed in America.
• Emphasis on how ridiculous human optimism can be, even amidst product recalls and celebrity drama.
• Closing threads touch on personal quirks, family life, and the existential comedy of everyday survival.

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Summary

Whitney Cummings delivers another sharp, insightful, and hilariously self-aware episode dissecting everyday absurdities—from the waning mystique of aliens to modern water cup scandals, book culture panic, and the meaning of memory. If you’re looking for a deep, funny, and honest slice of (often neurotic, always relatable) cultural commentary, this one is "good for you."

Transcript

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[Mayim Bialik]

every home I'm neuroscientist and actress Mayim Bialik.

[Jonathan Cohen]

And I'm Jonathan Cohen.

[Mayim Bialik]

On our podcast Mayim Bialik's Breakdown, we explore the biggest questions about consciousness, quantum physics, healing, and what it means to be human.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Featuring conversations with Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Michio Kaku, and other leading scientists and experts, our podcast is where science and spirituality meet.

[Mayim Bialik]

Listen to new episodes of mayimbiolic's Breakdown every week. Follow the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Watch full video episodes of Mayim Bialik's [e-mail] mayimbialik I'm going to be on

[Jonathan Cohen]

tour in the fall again 9 11. Never forget that I will be at the Tower Theater for the Performing arts in Fresno, California. Then I'm going to be in Palm Springs on 912 at the Plaza Theater that I'm coming to Buffalo, New York September 18th. Syracuse, New York on the 19th Albany, New York. I'll be at the Egg because I have one of those left, I think on the 20th of September. Then I'll be in Tucson, Arizona on October 2nd and then I'll be in Albuquerque. I've never performed in Albuquer, New Mexico. Let's go on October 3rd and then on the 9th of October I'm going to be at Cape Fear Community College. Is that a prank? In Wilmington, North Carolina. Then I'll be in Charlotte and then Boise, Colorado Springs, late October. Then Charleston, West Virginia. Let's go on November 6th. Roanoke, Virginia. All my enemies and friends come through from my alma mater on the 7th of November Miami, Florida. I'm going to be on a crazy cruise with Bert. I don't know, I assume that's happening on the Ohio in December. Come see me perform. I'm too dyslexic to read the rest of these, but go to Whitney Hummings Edu. Welcome to the show. I do have a band aid on my face, so this might be the day to listen to the show and not watch the show. It's an old school band aid. It's not like one of these cute. Like, it's like a ladybug. It's like an iridescent seahorse. This is a straight up. I think it's a Brillo pad, actually. It is coarse.

[Chris]

It smells like dementia medicine.

[Jonathan Cohen]

It is made of sand and super glue. This is just Elmer's and dirt. I got two moles removed. One of them, I took the band aid off because it was just, like, too much band aid. But this one right smack in the middle, this is a mole I got removed, like, 10 years ago, and it came back. No one thinks that's gross. Why isn't that the new Blumhouse movie? Just a girl realizing a mole that she already cut off is bad back.

[Chris]

It's dating her best friend.

[Jonathan Cohen]

It's just literally. Is that why it's called Whack a Mole? Like, literally just trying to lob off moles and they come back. Remember in Uncle Buck? I remember growing up, I had an older brother, so I saw movies I shouldn't have seen way too early. And he goes down to the principal's office at the school, and the woman has, like, a big mole, and he's like, here's a quarter. Why don't you go find a rat to bite that off your face to gnaw it and to gnaw that thing off your face for the rest of my life. I was like, moles on your face are bad, but this is one that just. Look, I. I don't know what the cruel joke is that, like, a black hair will grow out of a mole. Like, what's a mole, by the way? What is a mole?

[Chris]

Abnormal skin cells that are reproducing faster than they should.

[Jonathan Cohen]

But sometimes they're just chilling. Are they? Like, to let the. What's the biological basis, like, the dad has it. To let the dad know you're the kid of one of his. Like, don't kill me. I have the same mole as you. Like, what? Why? Why?

[Chris]

I have the same birthmark as all of my male cousins and uncles.

[Jonathan Cohen]

You. You were in a cult. And I don't. It's not a bad thing. That's not a birthmark, but it's fine. I don't. You're fine. You're. You're funny. I'm literally the point where people share the trauma. I'm like, you're funny. Take the win, everyone I know that had amazing childhoods. They are a mess Anyway, so there's a point in your life where, like, thank God I have trauma. Like, at least I'm funny. At least I can move through the world with a band aid on my face and be like, I have other qualities to offer. Ostensible sanity is not one of them. It's cool, though, when you get to the point in your life or, like, when you were younger and you looked at people and you're like, oh, band aid on the face. Oh, that person's gonna die soon. That band aid's holding them their entire skin bag together. That's not a band aid. That's a zipper on his face. I remember a friend of mine hung out with his mom after they were sort of estranged and, like, they became friends again or whatever that. Sorry, I have such a toxic idea of what men and their mom's relationship. So then they started talking again, texting, they started hanging out again. I don't know, what do you guys call it? And he called her, and she was like, yeah, things are great. I can't stop stealing. But, you know, otherwise, everything. I'm like, dude, that's the final boss. Like, once you're older. And it's like, yeah, I'm just going to steal. I'm dying. You can't. You can't make me wait in line at Sephora for 30 minutes. I'm going to die soon.

[Chris]

I'm confused about where to pay.

[Jonathan Cohen]

I just want wave my hands. Now, where do I put a check? Wait, you come to me to check out? Like, you're coming to me with a. With a PlayStation. The most technologically advanced people of which I would like to include myself. The people that buy everything online. If you haven't been to a store in a couple of years, you are such a boomer. I've bought stuff online for so long that when I go into a store now, I'm just like. I was completely. I was trying to leave the airport because I like to drive myself to the airport now. Things just change so fast now. Like, I drove myself to the airport, like, a year ago, and then I drove myself to the airport again, like, a month ago. And I go. And I'm like, excuse me. Like, I. My thing. And I put my ticket in. They're like, oh, ma', am, you just leave. We don't do that anymore. Just drive. I'm like, no, but I haven't paid yet. They're like, no, leave. I'm like, no, I'm. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I need to pay. And he's like, no, you drive out. We've already charged you. Last time I went to the airport and parked two times ago, I came back and my car had been completely drained of gas.

[Chris]

That's old school.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Yeah, yeah. Straight. That's straight of Hormuz core.

[Chris]

Somebody's grandfather told them about that.

[Jonathan Cohen]

People are just going to parking lots of the airport, taking the gas from your car. It's a pretty good hustle. There's sometimes when you get robbed or like, stolen from where you just have to be like, good game.

[Chris]

It's uncomplicated. You don't have to find someone to buy it.

[Jonathan Cohen]

It's still not enough to get you anywhere.

[Chris]

You don't have to convince the guy at the pawn shop that it's worth something. You just start using it.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Whoa, that's a. That really cuts out the middleman.

[Wayfair Announcer]

Yeah.

[Chris]

They need gas.

[Jonathan Cohen]

They need the gas. They need the gas.

[Chris]

And they're probably not even in the parking lot long enough to pay for parking.

[Jonathan Cohen]

And I need postmates. He's like, I'll become a postmate if I could just steal your gas. You don't need your gas. You can stay at home. I'll bring you your Pokeball. Why don't I cover your gas when you bring me Pokeball? Or I don't need Pokeballs, but you know what I mean. Why don't I cover a postmate's gas? That feels fair. What if it was one of my postmates who's like, I followed you to the airport, I come to your house twice a week, and this company's a scam.

[Chris]

I drive exclusively with your gas.

[Jonathan Cohen]

I've got the giggles today, as you guys can tell. I think having a sticker on your face, it's very hard to feel like a serious person in any capacity. I feel like I should just clarify again, this is gonna be. My new sign off for the show is gonna be don't ride elephants. And Netflix didn't cut my joke from the Mark Twain Prize. Netflix did not cut the joke. If you're watching this podcast to look for a quote, that was it. This part. The. Remember the last couple episodes. And I was like, can I watch that before it goes out?

[Chris]

This podcast is brought to you by Netflix. Not cutting jokes.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Yeah. Has Netflix given you the vibe in the past that they cut jokes? You see any of the roast lately? Guys like, what are you talking about? So, no, Netflix did not cut any jokes. So you do the Math. You lift a finger, you do the least. And use your noggin. I guess if you're not in our business, you might not know there's, like, a studio or a production company that makes a show and then that a distributor channel will air it. I guess I see why that could be confusing. But if you. If that's confusing to you, don't weigh in on something until you understand it.

[Chris]

Yeah, I like those fake movie intros where there's, like, 75 production company logos always.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Well, also, the whole thing with that is, like, they're like, we'll give you a title card and not pay you. Like, I'll take the cash. Like, there was all this. Like, whenever I would do something, it was like, well, we'll put your production company. I'm like, no, thanks. I don't want anyone knowing, thinking I produced this. How about money?

[Chris]

It'll blend in with the 40 other ones.

[Jonathan Cohen]

I'll take the money. I'll just take the money. I'm good. Thanks, though. Thanks so much, though. I'm not gonna make a fake company logo so that you can fake pretend you respect me. Lot going on in the world. Did you see Brazil has aliens?

[Chris]

They deserve it.

[Jonathan Cohen]

I don't know. Feels like Brazil is kind of trying to distract from being eliminated from the World Cup. It feels a little bit like that. I feel like that hit them hard. Like, no matter what country you're in, like, we all kind of love it when Brazil wins the World cup because the way the fans celebrate is so much more entertaining. Like. Like, this is them being like, sorry, you don't get to see us freak out and thongs, but here's some flying saucers. Like, we need something to be proud of right now. I. At this point, I don't know, I am still willing to believe in aliens. I'm just. I'm no longer considering them a superior race. They can't get it together. They can't. They can't. We can't. You're not just gonna vaguely fly ships around peekaboo. We're not doing peekaboo. We're adults now. All right, if you've been visiting since people have supposedly been seeing you, what's the. What. What do you.

[Chris]

What.

[Jonathan Cohen]

What? Need more time? What? Not yet. Not yet. Like, like, a kid behind the. Like, ah, I don't want to go out yet. Like, are you shy?

[Chris]

They're, like, as clever as teenagers going cow tipping.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Yeah, I don't. I don't like it. Or. Or it could also be the same way I think about twice a week, the guy who accidentally left the new prototype of the iPhone, like, at a bar. He was probably trying to. There could be some rogue aliens, like the teenage aliens that keep getting out. Like, it could be that, you know, and they're like, ah, we're not. We're not.

[Chris]

Hold.

[Jonathan Cohen]

And then, you know, some underpaid employees are like, you know, why do they only visit Brazil? Okay, Brazil's a new one. But before that, it was only people who wear overalls. Like, every. It was always. It was always like a farmer. I guess that makes sense. They're the ones that could protect their butt the best in case they're being probed when they wouldn't want anyone in overalls. How would they probe? I feel like, I don't know. They may have been captured by us by now. Like, that seems to be a thing. And I don't know if you can. If you can be hidden by us. You're not that cool. Like, we're not. We can't even keep a orca in a tank. There's. There's like, we can't hide things. That's not really where we shine.

[Chris]

We're likely to forget where we put you.

[Jonathan Cohen]

I'm just personally at a point where I can't keep trying to pretend to care about aliens. Since you've taken too long. I've, like, I've moved on. Aliens are. At this point, it's like. And guys. I feel like guys are so, like, obsessed with it because you don't know what it's like to have a. A guy ghost you constantly. And be like, you. You guys are now in a relationship with you. Now you guys know what it's like to date you. Like, aliens are basically that ex that shows up way past. You still care about them. Like, it just. It's. It's been so long since I've been in love with you. I'm now into hockey, so. You know that moment when something randomly pops up last minute that you and you suddenly need an outfit. One of your friends needs citizenship. So all of a sudden, there's a wedding next Tuesday night in Bakersfield. Okay. You have to go to the gyno, and you just want to dress up because you want to be classy. When you get your bad news, they show you the top that you're about to order, and then they show, like, a skirt with it, some pants with it. Like, oh, it's so genius. When you don't feel like overthinking what to wear. That is a game Changer. It's also just a no brainer because it's easy to return, shipping is fast, and it is stress free. If you want to be cool like your boy, go to Revolve.com Whitney use code Whitney for 15% off your first order. That's 15% [e-mail] Whitney. Offer ends August 3rd, so don't miss out. Change your clothes. Living in a big city means your social calendar is absolutely packed. Rooftop parties, dinners, late nights. It never stops. But here's the thing. You have real responsibilities. You go, you have brunch plans tomorrow, or you're heading into a big meeting on Monday morning. So how do I actually enjoy going out without dreading the next day? ZBiotics pre alcohol is literally my first drink of the night. It's the world's first genetically engineered probiotic. PhD. Scientists engineered it to break down the byproduct of alcohol that's actually responsible for rough mornings. Here's how it works. When you drink, your body converts alcohol into a toxic byproduct in the gut. Pre alcohol produces an enzyme to break that down. So here, you drink it first, stay hydrated, then get good sleep and wake up feeling like yourself. I've got plans tomorrow. We all do. Summer's packed with barbecues, lake, weekends, all of it. Head to ZBiotics.com Whitney and use code Whitney at checkout for 15% off. That's ZBiotics.com Whitney code Whitney for 15% off. So you're gonna like, I'm a different person now. The bangs I cut when you broke my heart are now fully grown out. I have a middle part now. Like, you missed your window. Like, aliens are doing that. They're like, now. It's like, no, I don't even have alien stickers on my car anymore. The guy was like, I'm going to show up at her work and get her back. I don't work there anymore, okay? I'm you. And now it's the pressures to. If you show yourself, you have to be like, if my ex comes back after this long, you better have a teardrop tattoo. Okay? You better have started a business that helps track down everyone that did that to Shirley Temple. I'm not doing this. Will they? Won't they? I spent the last 20 years waiting for a guy to show up. Like, I'm done. Like, girls that have dated fboys. Like, we're good. I'm not dating, thank God. But I am seeing a lot of guys remix every Matthew McConaughey quote from every movie he's been in. It's like, I just. I'm afraid this will become something. What? Aliens need to just put a ring on it or move on. I'm bored. I'm moving on to the Anunnaki. I don't know what they are, but I'm. That's my new. That's. I'm. I'm. I've moved on. I'll focus on the diarrhea at Taco Bell because it showed up.

[Chris]

I thought people stopped reporting diarrhea at Taco bell in the 80s.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Sorry. But there is, like. There is something funny about them coming right now. And they're like, we're here. And we're like, cool, we have diarrhea.

[Chris]

This is my alien defense burrito.

[Jonathan Cohen]

They all seem to be pooping liquid for weeks at a time to the point to where West Hollywood is. The. The water main broke. I mean, West Hollywood is underwater at the moment. I didn't know we had water in Los Angeles, but I guess there is some. And it just. The water main broke just in time for fire season. That's not weird. I guess it's also just like flying saucers. I don't. I just. I don't buy the flying saucer thing. Why does. Why does every alien drive the same car? Like, what

[Chris]

then?

[Jonathan Cohen]

I don't. I just don't. A Frisbee. This is. This, like, screams to me what a Hollywood writer would think a spaceship would have looked like 30 years ago when he was on mushrooms.

[Chris]

If you're gonna try to fake some footage of an alien spacecraft, a Frisbee is literally the cheapest prop you would ever need.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Hey, are you done eating that? Can I use that plate real quick? That's like the guy that shaves his legs, thinking it'll make him swim faster maybe. I don't think so. That's such a thing a Hollywood writer made up. I just. I do feel the aliens have missed their window because also now it. What are you gonna do? Come in. With what authority? You're gonna come in with more rules. There's none left to make. We have human resources at work now. We're not allowed to give our co workers truck nuts. What rules could you possibly give us in our worst. We're being filmed by everything and listened to by every. There's nothing you can do. That is weirder. We were told to stay in our houses for two years, and we did it. What are you going to do? I don't. I don't. I'm not taking on new rules. From a species that can't even make up their mind right. I don't need HR from outer space, thanks. We're not going to respect you. You also can't scare us. The whole thing was, you're the scariest thing. So we're going to listen to you, but you've missed your window on that. You can't out weird us. We're no longer capable of being shocked. If aliens came right now, we were just like, oh, hey, welcome, dude. Have you heard about the woolly mammoth in Silicon Valley? Do you know anything? Is it up and is it out? What about that dire wolf? We haven't really heard anything. It's definitely not a puppy anymore. Do you know anything? And I watched a thing the other day. Sunscreen's bad for us. We don't have. We have too much on our plate. That's horrifying. Oh, Stanley Cups are chock full of lead. What? Why? Tell us. Why not? Just don't tell us. A friend of mine was married to this guy. She's like an awesome Philly girl. And she said to her husband, if you ever cheat on me, don't tell me. I want you to live with it. And get stomach cancer. Never. You have to keep a secret, like, telling me, like, never to. I just. I, like, loved that. You're gonna tell me. You're out of your mind. Okay. There's this whole thing. My whole feed is, Stanley Cups are full of lead. Okay? The aliens are coming down, being, like, they're drinking lead, and flowers are on the outside.

[Chris]

It was marketed to a group of people that would never check what's next.

[Jonathan Cohen]

They're gonna find traces of beef and cows. I knew this was fishy, dude. Whenever there's a new basic essential that's already been invented, and there's, like, a new one that's, like, a little bigger, like, has a handle. What is. Even the hook. There's, like, a lion on it. Like, I don't. Good font. That's good font. We have cups. We've had them like that. We've got. What you're telling me is the ones you already made. It's like when someone's like, oh, my God, have you seen the new Nikes? I'm like, so what about the old Nikes? You guys just charged me for those. Like, when, like, we've improved this so much. I'm like. It's like when someone says, like. Like, like, you look amazing. I'm like, I didn't last. You didn't say that last time. Stop improving Things. You're admitting guilt. You're admitting your last product was bad. I don't like saying it. It's just. It's just. It is what it is. Whenever something is super popular, 60% of the time it's chock full of lead. I didn't decide this. I just. It's. Anything cool or jaunty is toxic. How do you think it gets cool and jaunty? That's just a glow in the dark. I don't want to know how that's made. But it's fun. And that's the risk you take. You go, I want to be cool. I want to be jaunty. You just have to go. Is it worth this? Taking three weeks off my life? Usually the answer is yes for me. Most of the time. Most of the time. So just decide. Do you want to live or do you want to have the cool cup? At school, that's an easy answer. For a girl in high school, it's a pretty easy answer. All right. I remember, I mean, a friend of mine driving to no less than six targets in one night to get the Stanley Cup. Remember, people were fist fighting over the Stanley Cup. The Stanley cup was already bad for you. It was making people punch you in the head. What was in it was like, not even the problem. It was other people's behavior towards you. When I saw someone with it, it did give you less friends as well. More of the wrong friends, less of the right friends. Look, we have to find ways always to find the silver lining in this literal silver lining.

[Wayfair Announcer]

What?

[Chris]

Like the idea of someone, like, they don't give a shit about the flat screen, they don't give a shit about the product. They're just hanging out, waiting to punch someone in the face, coming to get

[Jonathan Cohen]

one of those cups, pretending. It's like a frenzy.

[Chris]

I'm just gonna knock everybody out who comes to get one of these cups. They're like, they're partnering over Boo Boos now.

[Mayim Bialik]

Boom.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Like any excuse. And it's weird because oddly, I feel like. Don't get in trouble. Oh, yeah, Everyone wants. It's the thing's fault.

[Chris]

No, I don't even bring my wallet. I just. I'm just there for the get my licks in.

[Jonathan Cohen]

And I feel like the cops are on my side somehow. I feel like we have to find a way to just make this a pot. Let's just. I'm gonna just be like, I had a Stanley Cup. Cause I was standing in solidarity with the people of Flint, Michigan, who have been doing this exact thing with water that comes out of their faucet. They're like, you guys drink out of Stanley cups? Are you insane? I love when stories by accident reveal how naive we are as a society. I feel like there's this narrative that humans are, like, negative and cynical. We are the most hopeful species on Earth. It's, like, downright adorable. We're like, oh, my God. Like, these cups, I'm gonna put water in them, and it's gonna be so healthy. Like, this company just, like, wants what's best for me. This corporation. Like, thank you so much for making something that holds water so I can stay alive longer. Like, what? Huh? Like, to think that there's still a company that would provide a way to drink water without getting into your bloodstream. Like, in what world? Like, there's something sweet about it. Like, how dare. How dare we think of, like, the fact that we didn't know this right away. The fact that they didn't come out. We're like, but what's up with the lining of it? Where do we land on the line? That's not our first question. We're just like, who do I fight to get one? This episode is brought to you by Booking dot com. So I was literally just scrolling through my phone, just mindlessly scrolling. You know me. A photo of a hotel in Charleston came up. It was, like, pink and yellow and just like, ugh, heaven on earth. And I was like, that's it. I'm done. I live here now. No, I was like, that's where I need to go for a little while. Change of scenery. See, I'm looking. I'm here. Staring at my laptop on a gloomy Wednesday. Suddenly all I can think about is a beach somewhere else entirely. Okay, Charleston. They have dolphins there. I saw dolphins there once. So instead of just doom scrolling about it, I actually booked it. Here's what amazed me. The whole thing came together so fast. Finding the hotel, checking availability, getting everything set up. It was just so easy. Like, shockingly easy. The search isn't overwhelming. The options actually make sense. And I went from I'm stuck, I live in a prison, to I have a trip booked in, like, 10 minutes. That's the thing about booking dot com. Once a place gets into your head, you getting there is actually very simple. Whether it's a beach, hotel, somewhere warm, a mountain vacation home, a city weekend, booking dot com just makes the whole thing frictionless. Go on, book that trip. It's easy. Booking dot com booking. Yeah. I mean, we are so naive. Like, how? Why did we think not dying of dehydration wasn't going to make us die of something else.

[Chris]

What was wrong with the three gallon bucket with the little nipple cup at the bottom from 7:11?

[Jonathan Cohen]

Nope. There were those crystal geysers people were carrying around with the handle always full. There's nothing left on this planet that isn't trying to murder us at all times. I truly believe when people make products that are like, how can we cull the herd? I think that there's something sweet about it. And I don't like this narrative. Well, I don't like this narrative that humans are negative. But I also don't like this or like, you know what I mean, toxic. Like we're just like, can I have a pink Stanley cup? That'll fix it. Like, it, it's heartbreaking, you know, and I don't know I'm in the mood to defend humans right now. I got real. I have a bee in my bonnet. And I didn't, I didn't read the article. I realize the deep irony of that right now, but the Atlantic did an article about the end of reading. Then why did you write it? Also not true. I read all day. I read more than summer reading. Kon Tiki. You remember that book, Summer reading book that just Paperweight of a nightmare. Okay. Social media is all words. It's all subtitles.

[Mayim Bialik]

Every.

[Jonathan Cohen]

It's all I do is I read things I shouldn't have to read all day, all day long. All we do is read social. If you're like, oh, well, you're on social media eight hours a day, that means you've been reading for eight hours straight. Captions, subtitles. Every TikTok challenge is like a, like a beach and then just a block of text and it's like how to, you know, make a million dollars in 10 minutes. You're like, well, I have to read this. Like, the hooks are so good. We're reading more than ever. It's like my therapist said. And I have to read two paragraphs about psychology I would never have read if I was in medical school, in grad school for psychology. Like I, we read more than ever. I read my friends inner monologues. My friends on TikTok just eating kung pao chicken and like talking about nothing. And I have to read it. I'm just reading nothingness. It's not that we aren't reading anymore, it's just that we're reading nothing. We're reading anything. But it's because we're always literally reading everything. I'm being Forced to read things I used to be able to listen to. When I listen to a song on Spotify, the lyrics come off. I'm like, why are you making me read this song? I want to listen to the song. You have to put subtitles off to not read. You have to beg your device to make you not. I'm like, can I watch tv, please? Can you turn the subtitles? And I have to read 50 directions to turn the subtitles off. You can't. Everything. I have to read everything. The best movies are in other languages, so I have to read my movies. Squid Games was three books. A trilogy of reading. All we do is read. Like, it's just more than we need to have you. We read so much more than necessary. Have you seen an unhappy couple wish each other happy birthday on Instagram lately? Two paragraphs of how you're my rock and then 50 passive aggressive inside jokes. Thanks for not leaving us at Disneyland that time. He wasn't. Do you. He wasn't gonna leave you at Disneyland. Do you think he's reading that? Like, good one. Thanks for the birthday shout out. Thanks for not giving me a divorce every time I ask for one. Cool dig. Cool dig. But I don't. I read. I read. I am an OCD paranoid Virgo. I read User agreements. You guys don't read. I read. I read contracts. That's why I'm not married yet. I read. It's also not our fault we're not reading. Every time we go to read something, it's like, your water's killing you. Like, I don't blame anyone for not wanting to read. The only happy people at this point are illiterate. When's the last time you read something and you weren't like, well, you know

[Chris]

how I know if someone can't read? They have a smile on their face.

[Jonathan Cohen]

We don't have to do literacy tests anymore. Just like, look how sweet and happy he is. He can't read. He can't read. Also, books aren't fun anymore. Where's the new Harry Potter? Lord of the Rings? Where's all the wild fiction? Oh, right, it's the news now. Fiction can't compete with the news anymore, so fiction has to regroup. They're like, how do we even take people to a fantasy world when their daily reality is that you might be in a simulation? And also, we're at war. And you could live. Watch it. The footage of it. Also, the woolly mammoths are in Cupertino. Sorry. You know, those direwolves got loose. I'M sorry. I can't stop laughing about this. Here's the thing about me. I don't drop a thing. Y' all are done with the direwolf. I'm just getting started on the dire. Remember the front of Time magazine? We're bringing back the direwolf. That thing's a year old now.

[Chris]

Are they on Instagram? Are these pups on Instagram or anything?

[Jonathan Cohen]

The makers of it are dead, Pat. I mean, those direwolves definitely got someone. One of those tech dorks. As soon as he turned around to invent an app to track women's periods, the direwolf was like, I'll show you blood. I've tried to buy new books. They're all like schmucks trying to run for office. But it's like, AI written, you know, when it's just by them, it's AI. It was by them. And, you know, some guy named Carl, you're like, okay, they wrote this together.

[Chris]

Well, certainly Carl kept you in check.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Yeah, Carl transcribed it and was like, maybe let's not. Maybe let's, like, skip the dy's. Like, I'm not.

[Chris]

I do the audiobook first and then I transcribe.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Yeah, exactly. Every podcaster has a book. Every podcaster has a book about their depression and trauma. Guilty as charged. But I wasn't a podcaster at the time when I wrote my book. But what are you. What? You've already said it all. What's the book gonna have in it? What are we gonna read? The classics. Every great author's great work. Every time I go back and try to read a classic, it's like, wait, what?

[Chris]

You were saving it for the book.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Hold on.

[Chris]

I've been listening to your show every week, and you were saving it for the book. I have wasted my life. That's it.

[Wayfair Announcer]

That's it.

[Chris]

That's it.

[Jonathan Cohen]

People that have been listening to podcasts, let me tell you something. I wrote my book years before I started a podcast because I'm like, the idea that people consume a podcast, hosts content two, three hours a week. And they're like, guys, I finally made something I'm proud of. You gotta spend money on all my secrets. All my funny jokes are in this book. They're like, what's this been? But also, if I've been listening to this, I'm not the kind of person that likes a funny, interesting thing. I like you. Droning on.

[Chris]

Wait, you thought we were readers?

[Jonathan Cohen]

You're gonna put effort in?

[Mayim Bialik]

No.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Yeah, I listen to your podcast. Why would I Want to read a book? I have to read your YouTube description of this episode every week with your dorky puns. I'm good on the book, babe.

[Chris]

Tell somebody else's audience about your book.

[Jonathan Cohen]

You know what I'm good on? Gag gifts. Tell someone else's. Why don't you tell NPR about your book? We don't read. I listen in the car. That's the whole point. I don't read. Cause my hands are on a wheel for four hours a day.

[Chris]

I'm listening.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Oh, my God. I can't. But, yeah, the classics are a joke, dude. I made the grave mistake of going, you know what? I feel like I didn't really absorb Anne of Green Gables the first time. Do you know, as a brother and a sister just adopted a girl? What? I don't think you could do that. I don't think you can do that.

[Chris]

A lot of unchecked plot points back there.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Yeah. Just like. Hold on, Wait. Slow down, slow down, slow down. A brother and a sister were like, we need help around the house. I don't even know if I remember, like, what. And they're just like, you're gorgeous. Braid your hair so I have something to drag you by. And put on this twee hat.

[Chris]

Well, nobody else wants to feed you.

[Jonathan Cohen]

And as long as. As long as you're wearing a dress, it doesn't seem. It doesn't look like servitude. It like. It just looks like you're frolicking in the Gables. What's a gable? I think stable is the word. The whole thing. I'm like, I'm good. And then even if you do read now, it's like you read a book by some famous guy that's like, well, his wife wrote it. You're like, oh, God, I have to, like, read something that was force. Written with a feather, with some. The man standing over her. I'm good. My issue really isn't reading. I read. That's my problem. Honestly, writing is my problem. I tried to write a birthday card for Dan for my friend's kid, and it looked like a threat. It looked like I was cutting letters out of magazines like a serial killer in a 90s movie. It looked like I was telling him to send me one of his fingers or else. Like, I was embarrassed. I think writing is actually the problem. I rest my case. Like, this is not who I am. Can you even see it? Writing is the. By the way, reading my writing is my problem. I can try to write. Have you tried to write something lately? It's scary. It's. I, like, have carpal tunnel of the hand. Like, it's. It's very scary that I can't just write in cursive the way I used to whenever I want, just in case I want to fake my death or something.

[Chris]

I did realize that I can draw that platypus character from Phineas and Ferb really well. It's my new talent.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Men. Men. Men.

[Chris]

Men.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Men. Men, Men, Men.

[Chris]

It was request. It was special request.

[Jonathan Cohen]

I'm working on this

[Chris]

bit

[Jonathan Cohen]

skit, if you will, in my new hour, about how I'm engaged to just a dude. Like, date a guy, marry a dude. And a dude is not stupid. A dude is just wired to protect and goof off to cope from the level of protecting that there's two speeds. Fighting a meteor or drawing Squidward or whatever you just said. And it's about being useful, and that's it. And he. That's something he would say. But with you, I don't have to pretend I care. Yeah.

[Chris]

I didn't. I. Well, to be honest, I didn't know I could do it. I was asked to do it.

[Jonathan Cohen]

No, I know. I just mean, like, that's a Perry the Platypus.

[Wayfair Announcer]

But that's.

[Jonathan Cohen]

I'm trying to update my software going. That's today's version of going out and getting a buffalo for dinner. Like, that's a useful skill.

[Chris]

Everything that I do outside of the house is not impressive to the children at home.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Yeah.

[Chris]

But if I can draw that platypus cartoon, that's it. They're all over it.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Chris has this ability to dazzle my son in a way that I. I could never guess. It would have been that. And it is so frustrating when I tell you I'm cutting kiwis. I'm. I've got. I'm doing pancakes with a smiley face with the chocolate eyeballs and the chips and the thing. And I got. He's got a fire truck that works. And then Chris 3D prints him a tiny sword, and it's like, that's it.

[Chris]

He just grabs an orange slice and sticks it.

[Mayim Bialik]

That's it.

[Chris]

He's chopping fruit all day, and he just.

[Jonathan Cohen]

He has trash in his mouth. This is gonna sustain your life. He just put the trash in his mouth. Now he's got a canker sore. It's just like. I would never have thought of that.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Mayim Bialik]

Humbling.

[Jonathan Cohen]

No, I mean, there's times where I'm like, henry, one day you're gonna know, like, you're just. You have bad Taste in comedy. Like, it's weird. Sometimes things skip a generation.

[Chris]

Maybe he's an alt comic.

[Wayfair Announcer]

No.

[Jonathan Cohen]

How dare you? The alternative to comedy. I'm just like, I just want you to know that your mom's comedy paid for the. Your Lightning McQueen race car bed.

[Chris]

Eventually, you gotta stop cutting that fruit and let him bite into it.

[Jonathan Cohen]

I shan't.

[Chris]

I shan't keep cutting the grapes for a while, though.

[Jonathan Cohen]

That's a good. You know what? I love this game called how long would it take for you to forget about that thing? So I got obsessed with. And Mike Perpigli ended up doing a joke about it, and then it was hilarious. But about my baby's dad is so funny. One time I hardly knew him, and he was just like, talk. I was. I'm sorry. I was talking, and he doesn't talk a lot. It's kind of fascinating. And I was like, do you want to say something at any point? And he just went, 4,000 people a year die from coconuts. And I was like, I will have your kid, dude. Like, this is my type of conversation. Thank you. We'll talk about crows in a minute.

[Chris]

I was waiting for my opening.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because my brain was like getting killed by a coconut. Fine. You're dead. You're fine. You're chilling. But what about the people who saw it happen? How long do you go till you can forget about it or just stop thinking about it? Like, one day will come? Is it six months? Is it four years where you're just, like, doing something? You're like. I just didn't think about that.

[Chris]

You have to leave the state.

[Jonathan Cohen]

I just mean. You guys.

[Mayim Bialik]

You guys.

[Jonathan Cohen]

I finally stopped thinking about seeing the guy get hit in the head with the coconut. Like, for a second, it was almost like, I. It didn't happen. It wasn't top of mind. Like, how long does it take to forget that happened? We don't talk enough about the benefits of having no memory anymore. We used to have memories.

[Chris]

I potentially feel better now than I would have had. I just remembered. And I'm okay with that because just the.

[Jonathan Cohen]

As I'm authentic, I can't remember. It's very liberating. It's liberating.

[Chris]

Yeah. Because there's nothing to be upset about.

[Jonathan Cohen]

I used to talk to people, and we would both be like, oh, my God, how is this. And how is this person? Every conversation I have now, we're like, what's the. Where were you in. What? Were you in Atlanta this week? Or is that and everything? No, I was In Pensacola. But yeah, like, we're just guessing things. We just read or we ingest it, and then it's just. We're all memento, right? What is the. What is the. We're just trying to pull the word from our hippocampus to get this sentence out while going, this could have been a text. Like, why am I doing one thing at once? Like, doing. Having a conversation we're so used to doing six things at once is so boring that we can't. And. And when we're. It's funny when people like you multitask. I'm like, okay, do you want to see how it goes when I uni. Task. One task. Do you want to see how this goes? Go ask me anything. I just. It's not gonna go well. I just can't remember what I was just talking about. You know what? I can kind of write. I can kind of write. I mean, my pen has no ink. Pens don't have ink anymore. That's the other funny scam.

[Wayfair Announcer]

They never do.

[Jonathan Cohen]

I've. I've tried to write things like, just in journals and stuff recently. Every time I write with a pen, nothing. And I'm like, I'm licking it. I'm like, how do I. And they're like, oh, no, we. We haven't been putting ink in them. We know you guys buy them as props for your fake desks and pretend you're gonna. You. You never do. It's like, books. What if books just didn't have pages with words? Like, what if there was just. It was just abc, blah, blah, blah. There's nothing. Okay, I can kind of write. I can kind of write kinda that. And then my hand is tired.

[Chris]

Can you flip through the pages of that?

[Jonathan Cohen]

Why?

[Chris]

This one just ruffle the page.

[Jonathan Cohen]

This one.

[Chris]

Oh, it's no book, dude. You got no book.

[Jonathan Cohen]

This does not mean I don't read. This does not mean it's the end of reading Atlantic. It's just that I'm a tricky person, okay? I like places to hide things. I need to be able to camouflage a birth certificate. All right?

[Chris]

Should see where I actually do keep my books.

[Jonathan Cohen]

I need to be able to put credit cards with other people's names on them and my name spelled differently in boxes. Okay? I am so obsessed with these. But by the way, it's so funny because a book this old would look so weathered. Like a brand new old book is like. It's like when a celebrity wears sunglasses and a hat, you're like, is that a famous person? Whereas if they just didn't. You probably wouldn't notice. This draws so much attention to the things you're trying to hide. Love them. Yeah. This is the worst possible thing to have on my desk in the it's not the End of Reading episode. Oh, my God. Are there any real books anywhere in here?

[Chris]

Chapter one.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Yes.

[Mayim Bialik]

Look.

[Chris]

Put on some eyeshadow.

[Jonathan Cohen]

Bob the Drag Queen. Yeah. Rosebud Baker Boom Books. Now what? Did they have to send them to me? Yes, they did. I love you guys. Don't ride elephants.

[Chris]

It.