IAN FIDANCE | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 267

Summary

Good For You Podcast – Episode EP267: Ian Fiddance with Whitney Cummings

Release Date: December 14, 2024
Host: Whitney Cummings
Guest: Ian Fiddance

---

In Episode 267 of the "Good For You" podcast, Whitney Cummings welcomes comedian Ian Fiddance for an engaging and humorous conversation that delves into the highs and lows of life on tour, personal relationships, self-reflection, and the intriguing intersection of technology and intimacy. The episode seamlessly weaves together candid anecdotes, comedic exchanges, and insightful discussions, making it a must-listen for fans and newcomers alike.

---

1. Life on Tour: The Big Baby Whitney Tour

From the outset, Whitney and Ian share their experiences navigating the tumultuous life of touring comedians. Whitney humorously describes the rigors of the road, emphasizing the chaotic and often surreal nature of performing constantly in new venues.

Whitney (00:00): "Come on out to the big Baby Whitney tour. It's gonna be amazing. By the time you see me, I'll probably have a new face."

Ian adds to the banter by highlighting the absurdities they encounter while on tour, such as unexpected venues and quirky performance setups.

Ian (00:46): "I drove from West Hollywood to go into a ball pit. What the is this?"

Their playful exchanges set a lighthearted tone, illustrating the camaraderie and mutual understanding between the two comedians.

---

2. Pets and Personal Lives: Cats, Dogs, and More

The conversation naturally shifts to their personal lives, particularly their relationships with pets. Whitney proudly talks about her affectionate cats, contrasting Ian’s more comedic take on pet ownership.

Whitney (03:28): "My cat sleeps on my chest, the others on my lap. I wake up, they're cuddled with each other under my arm. It's amazing."

Ian counters with a joke about cats' notorious independence, leading to a humorous yet heartfelt discussion about the bonds between pets and their owners.

Ian (03:39): "Hold on. I can't. Admit the cats are good."

This segment not only provides laughs but also underscores the importance of pets in their lives, offering listeners relatable insights into pet ownership.

---

3. Relationships and Intimacy: Navigating Threesomes and Self-Perception

A significant portion of the episode delves into the complexities of relationships and intimacy. Whitney recounts a personal experience involving a threesome, blending humor with genuine reflections on her desires to settle down versus engaging in casual encounters.

Whitney (09:25): "I'm gonna put that and go. All right, honey, let's hurry this up."

Ian engages with Whitney’s story, adding his own comedic perspective while also exploring deeper themes of self-worth and relationship dynamics.

Ian (10:14): "I think I'll know when I'm in love. When I'm okay with rolling over in the morning and making out."

Their dialogue offers a humorous yet honest exploration of modern relationships, touching on themes of vulnerability, expectations, and the search for meaningful connections.

---

4. Therapy and Self-Reflection: Compassion and Self-Criticism

Whitney and Ian transition into a discussion about therapy and self-compassion, examining their own struggles with self-criticism and the journey toward understanding and accepting themselves.

Whitney (34:22): "I'm really trying to work on getting rid of that and focusing and centering."

Ian (34:18): "I think therapy is like, helpful to an extent. But then you're kind of just like, I am just a top. We think about ourselves so much."

This segment offers listeners an intimate look into their personal growth and the challenges of maintaining self-compassion amidst public life and personal insecurities.

---

5. Sex Robots and Technology: The Future of Intimacy

In one of the episode's most unique discussions, Whitney and Ian explore the concept of sex robots, blending their comedic talents with speculative insights into how technology might shape human intimacy.

Whitney (43:49): "This your face next to Mae West?"

Ian (44:01): "Don’t you think this maybe would be a good, like, way to take some time off of sex with strangers?"

Their playful yet thought-provoking conversation raises questions about the future of relationships, the role of technology in personal connections, and the ethical considerations surrounding artificial intimacy.

---

6. Closing Remarks: Reflecting on Success and Mental Health

As the episode winds down, Whitney and Ian reflect on the intersection of success, mental health, and the pressures of the entertainment industry. They emphasize the importance of self-awareness and the continuous effort required to maintain mental well-being.

Whitney (30:20): "I've been really like focusing and praying and speaking to, you know, to ask not for outcomes, but to accept whatever outcome is I'm receiving."

Ian (34:16): "A lot of them are charlatans. But I have. I have. Like, I'm really, really mean to myself."

Their candid conversation serves as a powerful reminder of the significance of mental health, especially in high-pressure environments, and encourages listeners to prioritize self-care and compassion.

---

Notable Quotes

• Whitney (00:00): "By the time you see me, I'll probably have a new face."
• Ian (03:39): "Hold on. I can't. Admit the cats are good."
• Whitney (10:57): "I think I'll know when I'm in love. When I'm okay with rolling over in the morning and making out."
• Ian (34:18): "I think therapy is like, helpful to an extent. But then you're kind of just like, I am just a top."

---

Conclusion

Episode 267 of "Good For You" with Whitney Cummings and Ian Fiddance offers a blend of humor, honesty, and insightful conversation. From the chaotic life on tour and the joys of pet ownership to the intricacies of relationships and the potential future of intimacy through technology, Whitney and Ian provide listeners with a relatable and entertaining experience. Their candid discussions about mental health and self-compassion add depth to the episode, making it both amusing and thought-provoking.

---

For more episodes, visit the Good For You YouTube Channel.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, everybody, come on out to the big Baby Whitney tour. It's gonna be amazing. By the time you see me, I'll probably have a new face. We are having so much fun on the road. Oh, my God. I'm living a nightmare. Come see me. Bear it all. Ow.

[B]

Bap, bap, bap.

[A]

This is. This is what I really have to sit in to do this. Hulk Tua gets a chair and I get a baby thing. This is insane. I drove from West Hollywood to go into a ball pit. What the is this?

[B]

You mean you drove from a ball pit to a ball pit?

[A]

I ended up. I mean, we should just film last night when I was surrounded by about 30 of these.

[B]

Put one on your chin.

[A]

You. You, Pat. For co signing this. And I don't know your name, dog, but you're. You're fine. It was.

[B]

It was literally Pat's idea. I couldn't stop laughing.

[A]

This is nuts.

[B]

I was like, why don't we put him in a standing desk? Because, you know, I went into an agency the other day. Rest in peace agencies. And everyone was at a standing desk, and they were like, oh, no. Legally now your employees have to be at a standing desk.

[A]

Nuh.

[B]

Because they can sue you later if they get damaged. I was like, oh, would it be funny if we had guests and we just gave him a standing guest?

[A]

That'd be funny. This is not.

[B]

This. We don't do guests anymore because it's such a.

[A]

What an honor. Why wish you still wouldn't do guests? Because I'd rather not be here. That actually kind of comfortable. But God damn it. Haley Welch is talked to in. In a chair. Kiki with Whitney.

[B]

Hey, I.

[A]

And I'm here to ball pit. Treat me like old baby Huey nuts.

[B]

I bought that ball. I bought.

[A]

I don't have abs anym.

[B]

I bought that ball setting the timer. I bought the ball pit with hock to a coin. So don't really.

[A]

Oh, did you also get shortage?

[B]

This is a 20 minute hourglass, which, by the way, doesn't work. A guy I was dating who I truly thought like we could be together, gave me that as a gift and.

[A]

Said, this is your biological clock. The time's a ticking. Oops.

[B]

What is the symbolism of a guy giving you an hourglass? That's 20 minutes.

[A]

You better come in 20 minutes or I'm there. So many things, dude, before I. Girl, I'm gonna put that and go. All right, honey, let's hurry this up.

[B]

I'll do it in like an old timey steam pump.

[A]

Sorry. Is this all good? I'm so. Is this. She's a sweetie, right?

[B]

I mean, she's at. She is a Ridgeback pit bull. The two most dangerous breeds. Still less dangerous than a cat. Still friendlier than.

[A]

You're so off base on that. You were so out of your element. And let me tell you, you haven't met my new cat, Glenn. This. Neither have you. The cool.

[B]

What the.

[A]

I got his name tattooed on me. Glenn. No. Glenn.

[B]

Well, wasn't. Isn't there one that you couldn't.

[A]

Samson.

[B]

Here's what it is. Most of my friends, you're different. And I'm sure that. Here's what I'll say. I think I'm realizing this. The people I know that have cats who attack them, scratch them, or won't, like, engage with them, they have personalities. I just realized this. You're awesome. So your cat. All my friends, like, yeah, my cat. I can't even touch my cat.

[A]

Oh, dude.

[B]

I'm like, my guy, four years.

[A]

My guy sleeps on my chest, the others on my lap. I wake up, they're cuddled with each other under my arm. It's amazing. Now admit the cats are good.

[B]

Hold on. I can't.

[A]

Admit the cats are good.

[B]

Can't, because.

[A]

Admit the cats are good. I like this. This is ammo. Admit the cats are good. Open your mouth and laugh. It's like a clown at the. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You're all right. You're all right. You're all right. Get this thing out of here. What? I mean, what romper room did I walk into? This is crazy PP's playhouse. And. And, I mean, how many drinks does one woman have to have? Do we see the lineup of drinks over here? Two square containers of water, another sparkly Goku drink.

[B]

Look, I'm a squirter, okay? I get dehydrated.

[A]

What if that's what this ball pit was? You like.

[B]

I'm at the point where I'm like, if bad friends does numbers, we could just throw balls at each other for the next hour.

[A]

Whoa. This is a good ab workout. I like it.

[B]

So I'm into the new tattoos.

[A]

Thanks.

[B]

Okay, which ones? I like the one of your cat. I like how all your tattoos. See, I'm into the. Do you not like these fine line ones? Are you just like, okay, I hate them.

[A]

There's a new trend. These are. These are big, bold, beautiful, bright colors. They've been around for. For decades and decades.

[B]

Cheating on wife style.

[A]

Like, what.

[B]

What is the style of this tattoo?

[A]

It's like American traditional.

[B]

Is that what it's called?

[A]

Yeah, I get it at R and D tattoo in Queensborough.

[B]

I bet. I bet Vietnamese teenagers could tell me exactly what it is.

[A]

What? Why are you talking to Vietnamese teens, Whitney?

[B]

I feel like they saw a lot of them in the seventies.

[A]

Oh, well, this. I got this.

[B]

Thanks.

[A]

Got it. These.

[B]

Got me these.

[A]

I got to put some lotion. They're brand new.

[B]

Yeah, I got some serious lotion on that. It's giving me anxiety that you're good. Why don't you guys let your tattoos heal?

[A]

I do. No, I dry heel. I dry heel. I'm a dry healer. That's what I do. But this guy's angry at me because it's in my elbow ditch.

[B]

Okay. Whenever I learn a new word I've never heard before, which makes no sense because we are from the same part of the United States of America, we should have the same exact. Like, what do you say for the. It's a. It's a thing you drink juice up. A thing you drink juice.

[A]

A man. Oh, a juice box.

[B]

Juice box.

[A]

Capri sun.

[B]

I say sip up. We're from the same place. A sip up. Were you rich, Delaware trash? What's a sip up? Were you.

[A]

Were you infantilized?

[B]

No, I've never been a child. I never got to be a child.

[A]

And then sit here. You'll feel pretty childish.

[B]

What do you call a. A thing that you write with if you're a kid? That's different colors.

[A]

Crayon, Crown. No. Yeah, that's fake crown. No, crayon.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

What's crayon?

[B]

What's a fizzy sugar drink?

[A]

Soda.

[B]

Okay. Yeah.

[A]

And people in Philly call them. We say, coke, soda pop. Do you call him pop? No, that's Midwest.

[B]

That's more Midwest.

[A]

Pat, is my double chin showing when I lay like this? No, the shirt's covering. You're good. The shirts. Oh, so you admit I have a double chin. I wouldn't know. Take the hat off. You balding.

[B]

It covers your uncircumcised face. Hi, everybody. So Ian and I have entrenched emotionally. Can't get enough. Thank you for coming on tour with me. Did you have a good time? And any.

[A]

So much shows, really? It was amazing. Yeah. And Denver was great. We played the Paramount, and then I played it this past weekend, and people came out to. The shows were like, I saw you open for Whitney. So that was, like, awesome. And I sold out Saturday.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

It was like the best. I had the best weekend ever at Denver. Comedy works. It was so fun.

[B]

Dude, Comedy works is honestly my fa. It is, like, one of the only places I've ever performed and, like, stayed in the condo and been alone all weekend and not been. Like, I need to end it. Like, I love.

[A]

I stayed in the condo with my opener, Zach Townsend, who's super funny, and he heard me have a threesome and said it. Said it sounded like someone rolled dice and was in Jumanji. Whoopsies.

[B]

So how do you do a threesome in that altitude?

[A]

A lot of water. A lot of water.

[B]

How do you do. They know each other. The girls know each other, live together. Guys, girls, girls.

[A]

My first girl, girl, guy, three. My first threesome with two girls.

[B]

Girl, girl, guy. Okay, so there was a guy there.

[A]

I. What was the guy? How dare you? I was the guy.

[B]

So the man explain this to me.

[A]

What.

[B]

How does this go down? Okay, do one. You're talking to one, and she's like, drinks nine. No, like, what about her too? Or like, one's like, I have a bad back. I need her to spot me.

[A]

Like, they, like, started making jokes about it, and then they're so insecure.

[B]

They're like, I can't satisfy you. But between the two of us, well.

[A]

They did a good job. The two. Three.

[B]

If the guy ever has sex with me and says, you did a good job, I will pinch.

[A]

Really good job.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you high five each other. You go, hey, that was great. Good job, dude. You high five.

[B]

When you do a threesome, do you take off your 12 rings on 10 fingers?

[A]

That's when you know it's going down.

[B]

Yeah. Do they.

[A]

I take off my rings and my eyes go black like wing of crow.

[B]

Do they need to. Do you provide tetanus shots before the orgy, or do you take the rings off?

[A]

Uh, well, I gotta admit, high altitude. I've been heavy salt diet. Some of my rings couldn't come off, and I had to walk around like this for a minute to get the blood flowing, which may not have been that attractive, but they. They were, like, joking about a threesome. I was like, you know, I've never had a two girl threesome. It's always been two guys.

[B]

Girls usually just say, no, thanks.

[A]

Well, no, they went, well, maybe tonight's different.

[B]

I was like, is that how they talk?

[A]

No, but that's my girl voice.

[B]

So here's what. How I realized that I was in love with the guy that I'm with and that he's the person for me is because when I do impressions of him, I don't go, oh, this is how I knew. Because I would, like, normally on stage or when I was like. I'd be like, so. My God.

[A]

I was like, hey, where are we going to? So my guy was like, but when.

[B]

It'S Chris, I'll make. Chris is like, so, what do you want to do later? And I'm like. I was like, whoa, I respect him.

[A]

I think I'll know when I'm in love. When I'm okay with rolling over in the morning and making out. And, like, I'm okay with morning breath.

[B]

Well.

[A]

Or I not insecure about mine.

[B]

That's it.

[A]

But that. That.

[B]

Or. But.

[A]

Hold on.

[B]

But. But. But I feel like if you love someone, you're. You're kind of like, I don't want to. You know what I mean? Like, I'd be less insecure about it. To someone that. I'm like, I need to get this guy out of here.

[A]

Good morning.

[B]

You know the guy. So Chris and I, every morning, we go, good morning. And we talk in here.

[A]

Where is the old scally way? Is he still asleep?

[B]

He's down south right now. He had to clean up his wood shop.

[A]

Classic fella.

[B]

Like, man, I don't think I've ever dated a truly straight guy. He's like, I gotta go clean up the wood shop. So it passes fire.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Like, don't shower. I want you to. You have wood chips in your pews. Yeah.

[B]

He, like, knows how machines work. I don't know. So, yeah, for the first, like, 30 minutes in the morning, it's like our little bit. We'll be like, what are you doing today?

[A]

Oh, that's fun.

[B]

Yeah. So that we don't breathe, like, nasty. You know, you're supposed to brush your teeth before you eat anything because otherwise all the bacteria in your mouth will go into your stomach.

[A]

Really? I didn't reverse today, okay?

[B]

So they're like, maybe tonight's that night. And you're like, man, well, I told.

[A]

Them I cucked a guy down in dc, and, like, how'd that work? And I was. They're like, did you tell. Did you, like, over in dc, Lead it, huh? Down in dc? Over. No.

[B]

If you're in Denver, dc's over.

[A]

No, but I'm always in New York in my heart.

[B]

See, this is something which someone's telling an interesting threesome story, and all I can go is, like, that would be over, not down. Like, I can't. This is the autism.

[A]

Neuralize the autism.

[B]

Okay, like, let me interrupt this hilarious riveting story with like above about a cross after against a manga round.

[A]

What is that?

[B]

Four behind, beside between beyond by down enduring. Except.

[A]

Feather.

[B]

You don't know this? Mxpx no, it's. It's like all the, the.

[A]

All the positions in the last threesome you had Pat coming in hot.

[B]

Dude, Pat is funnier than anybody.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I know.

[A]

That was amazing.

[B]

See what happens when you let white men talk in Hollywood? Oh, see the content gets better.

[A]

We gotta bring it back.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know I'm available for punch up.

[B]

So you were like, oh, well.

[A]

They were like, how'd that work? And I go, why? I wouldn't let the guy. I was like, watch me a chick like a real man. And they were like, uh huh. And they were like, would you tell us what to do? I'm like, yeah. I mean, how else are you going to get things done?

[B]

I'm sorry, I didn't. Women. I didn't even know what cuck. Okay, so I didn't know what. I kind of know what it is. But let's be honest. So you know those things that like everyone knows what it means and you have to kind of pretend you know what it means and then you realize like three years later you've never like meta.

[A]

I still feel like with the. With the phrase anti racism.

[B]

You're anti racist. Oh yeah.

[A]

Like I was making a joke. Oh, God damn it. You know, this ball pits, by the way.

[B]

I actually am confused about that. So that was the word. I'm anti racist.

[A]

So you're against racism.

[B]

Shouldn't that just be I'm a good person? Yeah, Yeah. I don't.

[A]

I guess I think the def. That the idea is that as whites, our default setting is racist. So you have to be anti racist. Whereas I say just accept me as I am.

[B]

I would say act.

[A]

Oh, whoa.

[B]

I would say, how do you not.

[A]

Like cats when you have cat like reflexes?

[B]

I don't like looking in a mirror. I okay to drink.

[A]

Can you help anybody up? Ease up.

[B]

This is having a reason. I think anyone who's like, I'm not crazy. You're like, oh, that's the. You're the craziest person.

[A]

I'm crazy. But not. I'm not insane. War zone. Don't forget the struggle. Don't forget the streets.

[B]

If you're going to go, I'm anti racist because I'm in trouble. Internalized racist them or whatever, just go, yeah, I'm probably racist. And I'm.

[A]

That's.

[B]

And I need to fix it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But being Like, I have a. I.

[A]

I say the first part, but I don't say the second.

[B]

I don't like a buzzword when it comes to racism. I'm anti racist.

[A]

Like, speaking of buzz. To infinity and beyond.

[B]

I love how we could go from, like. Like, threesome cuck to, like, dad joke. Disney dad joke. Yeah, seamlessly.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So cuck is when you have sex with another man's wife. Okay, but why is it called that? Why isn't it called, like, they're cheating together?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

You know what I mean? I don't know. Where are they still together? Do you follow up with them and be like, hey, you guys still together?

[A]

Couple? The couple that.

[B]

I love that. You had to take that off.

[A]

Well, I need to get serious. The couple that I cooked. What was wild about that is we finished. And she finished. They. I made sure she finished. Come on, now.

[B]

Get out of here. No way.

[A]

Way.

[B]

I don't think I would be able to finish in front of my husband with.

[A]

Well, then she lied, and I accepted it. Okay? And so we. We finished and he didn't. And what does that mean?

[B]

He's just watching.

[A]

Yeah, he's just watching. Pulling his limbs, crying. Yeah, he really was, like, not into it, and she kind of made him. And then when we went to their place, dude, it was, like, weird, man. I. I rode in their car. They had a kid seat. I was like, oh, do you guys have a kid? She's like, that's not mine. It's his. She's like, yeah, he had a kid a while ago, if you don't know. He's old. And he was like, oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no.

[B]

Oh, no. I know, but you pushed through.

[A]

Nice. Like, Hillary, she persisted. So we get to their apartment, and they have a cat named Gizmo, and wait.

[B]

Apartment?

[A]

Yeah, this is down in D.C. okay. And they. Oh, it was across in D.C. i'm.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

Huh?

[B]

What?

[A]

Across the river, through the woods, up, down, left, right. BB start. So we. We. Oh, we're at their apartment, and they're. Everyone's pussyfooting around. I'm like, all right, why don't you guys go in the bedroom and you guys, you know, get comfortable, and I'll.

[B]

Come in 10 minutes, checking in, being like, still cool.

[A]

Still cool with her, because with women, consent is king, but with guys, we're just, you know.

[B]

But I just.

[A]

That ain't my problem, though.

[B]

But is there, like a. Still cool with this? That maybe this was, like, a cute idea at the club right after I was on when the molly hadn't worn off.

[A]

Well, I asked her when he went to the bathroom. I was like, is this because she was pushing forward? And I was like, is this all right? Like, also, I'm not going to him. And she was like, no, no, no. We've talked about it. I really want to do it. He wants to support me and he's okay with it. And I was like, do we know.

[B]

Someone'S on birth control? Do we know you don't.

[A]

I wore a condom.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Really? What? Yeah.

[B]

That's so weird to me.

[A]

Oh, is it? Kid in their 50s. Is it?

[B]

Pat, you are fired. The holiday are here. Let's be honest. It's time to find the perfect gift for the men in your life. Because you know they won't go to therapy, so there's no point in getting them that gift card. Forget the predictable socks and the ties, okay? Get them something they will actually love and use that will protect you from razor burn and having to look at ingrown hairs all the time because. Introducing the Chairman Pro electric foil shaver by Manscaped. It is the ultimate tool for a smooth, irritation free shave. What makes the Chairman Pro so special? It comes with two interchangeable skin safe blade heads, of course. Dum dum. Whether it's the four blade foil for a close shave or the stubble trimmer for a sharp, clean look, the shaver has your guy covered. Its flex adjust technology allows the blades to contour perfectly to his face and neck so he won't be wearing little patches of toilet paper because he has a stigmata from the face. It's even waterproof for easy cleanup in the shower. And with a 75 minute runtime, it'll handle everything from everyday grooming to trimming a five day beard. Plus, features like the precision lock and LED spotlight make every shave detailed and precise. Don't settle for ordinary gifts. Give them the gift of confidence. Oh yeah. Because men don't have enough of that this holiday season. Get 20% off plus free shipping with [e-mail] that's 20% off plus free shipping with the code [e-mail] it's all about giving. And finding the perfect gift can be tricky. And you know this. That's why I love quints. Okay? Quince is my favorite. I'm not even joking. Okay? There used to be, I don't know if I'm allowed to say other brands. Like I used to be able to go to these websites where you get like a Crisp white shirt. You could get just like a gray cardigan, just like cute navy slacks. No one will do that anymore. Everything's got, everything's crops less all of a sudden. There's no way to buy clothes where you just look like a person trying to go to work. You know, I love quints. Luxury essentials at prices that will not break the bank. With Quint, you can treat your loved ones to everyday luxury that feels personal and special. I love. Okay, there's a white cashmere sweater that has three buttons. I am a 90s queen. I wear it literally every day. Starting $50. That's what it should cost. But still, if you're looking for Timeless gifts, they have the, they have really cute little 14 karat gold jewelry, Italian leather handbags, Timeless classic European linen sheet sets. What, Whatever you choose. Quint Items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands because you're not paying for like some celebrity to be the face of it who's going to get canceled in two days anyway. Right. So they're cutting out the middleman. You go directly to the factories. They're not just about affordability. Quince ensures all their products are made with safe, ethical and responsible manufacturing practices. You will not find a child's thumb in your delivery luxury. You can feel good about. Shop quints today. Go to quint.comwh Whitney for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's quint.comwh Whitney with a stranger.

[A]

I'm going to use a condom.

[B]

Uh huh. I know I'm, I think that's, I just. Doesn't that take some of the.

[A]

Yeah, it sucks.

[B]

Yeah. So I couldn't come.

[A]

I can't come.

[B]

So this is more psychological. So then you take the condom off and then finish.

[A]

Or you go, I came. And they go, let me see how much? And you go, I'm old. No. And then you run away, take it off and go. I keep.

[B]

Are gals out there being like, let me see how much some of them. I've never been like, let me see how much some girls like come. No, I, it's, Well I, I like it so much it's in my belly. So I don't even, I'm not like, let me see the proof. Like what I want to see if these kegels are paying off. Like, why do you need to see?

[A]

Well, you know, I, the, the. We both went and then they were doing aftercare in bed.

[B]

What's aftercare?

[A]

Aftercare is after you have sex, emotional, you talk about it, you kiss and you Decompress, basically. I did more or, like, aftercare. Aftercare could be me cuddling, you texting.

[B]

Getting on Instagram and looking at negative comments.

[A]

Aftercare. Aftercare for me is going into the bathroom going, you're living a lie. You're living a lie. Just be yourself.

[B]

Aftercare for me is getting online and going, did Jeslnick talk about me on Marin? It's getting on my 19 comedian text chains and sending, like, conspiracy theory links about the Clintons and the Shaft.

[A]

Oh, you must be going wild about this CEO thing.

[B]

I'm actually kind of not. I don't. I don't know that. I was literally trying to catch up on it last night.

[A]

I'm just glad Italians are relevant again. I'm just happy about that.

[B]

But what is that? Because is there conspiracy theory about it? That it's. It's so funny to me that our default setting now is everything's fake. This happened, like, six months ago. I feel like, where it was like, it used to be, like, default is. That's true. That now it's like, that's fake. Remember Trump got shot? We were like, fake. People were like, yeah, or tell it.

[A]

To the guy whose head got exploded.

[B]

Yeah. Wait, hold on. So fake. Like, but you think democracy is real. I mean, it's, like, weird the things we think are real and fake. Yeah, but people are like, someone got shot in New York fake. It's like someone's dead.

[A]

Yeah. Fake that.

[B]

There was a shooter at the Trump thing. Two people are dead, dude.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. It's unfortunate, but.

[B]

Okay, keep going. So.

[A]

So we. Well, that. Down in D.C. i. So I was like, what the fuck just happened? And I was kind of, like, frazzled. So I gathered my stuff and went to the bathroom. And when I was going to the bathroom, like, do you need fun?

[B]

Or is it more, like the taboo of it? Like, what is.

[A]

It was fun for a minute, but, you know, I'm always like, I really do want to settle down. But then I get into these rapscallion situations, and I'm like, oh, boy. Like. Like the threesome the other night, I'm having sex, and I'm like, finger in this girl. And I'm like, God, I wish I had a family. And then. Oh, thanks. And then the one pops her boob in my mouth, and I'm like, actually, this is pretty. All right, hold on, hold on.

[B]

I am realizing I've never had sex. Not one time.

[A]

So.

[B]

Pops her boob in your mouth?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, just like, huh. Okay.

[A]

Because they were. One was laying Down. And they were the girls making out with her. Perpendicular.

[B]

And so they're together. They're couples.

[A]

No, they're just friends.

[B]

No, they're not.

[A]

You know how friends do.

[B]

No, that's not a friendship. That's not friends.

[A]

Hung out with your friends.

[B]

Friends is. I need a ride to the airport. Can we talk about my breakup? It's not like, let's go. This comic. Who wants a family. Let's go stop this man from having a real life. Yeah. With our rigmarole.

[A]

I've never. I've never dated a guy, and I'm. I'm kind of. I. I might.

[B]

I recommend it.

[A]

I might. I might give myself over to sin.

[B]

Dating a guy?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is that sin?

[A]

No, I'm kidding.

[B]

I mean, the woman is the one that ate the app. Made him. Ate the app. Are women the sinful ones?

[A]

Women came from our rib. And we don't get enough credit for that.

[B]

The McRib we're from, we're white trash. It was a McRib.

[A]

That's funny.

[B]

Also.

[A]

Well, I went on a date with a guy I've. I've seen in the past, and it was, like, so fun. You just, like, rip cigarettes, listen to Steely Dan and play video games. It was great.

[B]

Why not do that? And then you can adopt a kid. I know how much adoption agencies want to give children to.

[A]

Because I don't want a kid with an arm hanging off their forehead. It's like, what's it. What's a guy got to do to get a normal kid? You know?

[B]

But, like. Okay, okay. Dating guys is really fun.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. Dating girls is a lot of work.

[A]

Well, I've. I've always dated women. I'm just so afraid I'm going to be, you know.

[B]

Is that why you think, like, dating trans women is. Also feels like a little bit like.

[A]

Like, not a Miley Cyrus song? It's the best of both worlds.

[B]

There you go. But hold on. So dating this guy, why aren't you now?

[A]

Because I don't think I want to be in a relationship with anyone, but I.

[B]

Why not? What kind of. What kind of sentence is that?

[A]

Well, because I'm selfish and I don't want accountability, and I don't want to have to check in with someone every.

[B]

Night, find someone who's into that.

[A]

I guess certainly I could. Me.

[B]

Me. Up until two years ago, I mean, I was dating a guy that would give me hourglasses. Like, you know what I mean? There are people that are fine with that, that it won't be a problem for but.

[A]

Well I guess maybe that's kind of what I'm looking for. But in the meantime I don't want to date and not be open about that. So I guess can I just.

[B]

Can I.

[A]

You may.

[B]

You and Jordan.

[A]

Yeah. Who I love.

[B]

Can't wait to share my best. You guys have these like fake rules about how you should live that are like self limiting beliefs that are like I don't want this and I don't want and I. I need this and I'm this person and I'm self. You're not selfish. You're my friend. I know you're not selfish.

[A]

That's so nice.

[B]

You're not selfish. When we are with someone we're not into we're selfish, we're non committal, we're annoyed. I was all those things too. And then I meet this guy and all of a sudden I'm not selfish. I'm not afraid of intimacy. I'm not avoidant. I'm not toxic, I'm not annoying. I'll make a coffee for a guy like you know what I mean? I all of a sudden like to cook. What? I all of a sudden I'm like I want your babies. Like I don't think. It's not about you. It's about you. You're right hands or other person together. You know you're like. It's like oh my girlfriends were like you know what? I just need to date like an architect. And you're like what?

[A]

That's so funny.

[B]

Like no. What? How did you cut.

[A]

Yeah, maybe that's what it is.

[B]

What straight to DVD Kate Hudson movie are you. You need to date a job. We have all these beliefs about ourselves.

[A]

I think I just want to live out my best friend's wedding.

[B]

Do that but like just go. I don't know what I need. I would like to meet the person that brings out the best in me.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You're so committed to the fact that you think you're like an. You think you're selfish. You think like with the right person you're not going to want to be those.

[A]

Well I'm in therapy and I'm working on compassion for myself and when the.

[B]

Guy are con artists and a lot of therapists want to use that's my pro.

[A]

Why are you. Oh my God. That's incredible. Gotcha. Why?

[B]

I'm just saying you need to stop thinking about yourself so much.

[A]

Yeah, I gotta stop reading myself like the Torah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Stop and just obsess. You're right. You're right. You're right.

[B]

Therapy. All you do is talk about me, me, me. That's what's selfish. I'm just talking about me, me, me and all my problems. You really have any problems except the fact that you smoke. You don't really have any problems. Go to. That's why just do free therapy. 12 step meetings. Just be of service to other people.

[A]

That's why I gotta leave here and go to one.

[B]

I know but I just. I you the. I know where you are because I've been there this like over obsessing about everything that's wrong with me and like I'm broken and no, I can't do like. Yeah, you can if it's the right person. You're selfish. When the people are annoying and not worth giving.

[A]

Who knew I just had to allow myself to put on the dress. Is a part of the emasculation ritual in Hollywood. By laying in this tub of balls to find out the truth. Wow.

[B]

I am just say I love that men are like, there are emasculation rituals where we have to wear dresses. Women just like get r. What?

[A]

Jesus, Whitney.

[B]

Yeah, like when women are just like, oh, yeah. I just had to think Harvey Weinstein. Like, I had to wear a skirt.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I didn't even get to wear the skirt.

[A]

I mean, look, I keep getting turned down on auditions. I'll wear skirt and get ring.

[B]

You know what else I think? And I think that I'm getting laugh. I hate. So what'd you say is that I hate your guts.

[A]

Oh, I thought you said you have two cats. I was like, you're right.

[B]

I guess I also just think I'm working on this myself. So obviously I'm projecting. Which is like, we don't have to be crazy to be funny and successful. And I feel like you are getting so success. You're in that place right now where you're getting successful and you might be having that thing where you're like, I gotta make sure I'm still crazy. I gotta make sure my life is still hard.

[A]

No, I'm. I'm trying to work on getting rid of that and focusing and centering. And I've been really like focusing and praying and speaking to, you know, to ask not for outcomes, but to accept whatever outcome is I'm receiving whether I get something or I don't to accept it. Rather than like, I wish, I wish.

[B]

You know, can we do something kind of uncomfortable?

[A]

Oh, boy, here we go. What? Talk to your dead father on camera. No. What? What? What? What? What is it? As if I'm not already uncomfortable. What? Go ahead, go ahead.

[B]

I think we should pray together.

[A]

Are you a crazy person? I'm not praying on camera.

[B]

I think we should just say what our prayers are.

[A]

I'll say the our Father, but I'm not praying.

[B]

But yours is. What? I mean, both of our fathers are dead. Why are we bringing fathers into this? Already sad. No, I just mean, like, I have been praying a lot lately and it always starts with like, your God. I know it's been a while.

[A]

You sound like me trying to hook up with someone from 10 years ago. Hey, Brandon. I know it's been a while. Like, sorry, just wondering if you're still there.

[B]

It's like, you up? Like, I've learned, like, things have been crazy. Like, I have to like, explain why I haven't prayed for a lot like you. I mean, you know, I'll literally be like, you know, because dad was. I mean, you know, but like, like I have such a weird, shameful thing when I start praying. It's so bizarre.

[A]

I used to. I. Yeah, I do.

[B]

I forgive you. You forgive me. I forgive myself is a big one, which is a meta practice. I do that and I go through all the people in my life that I resentments with and I say them all. I had to do Audrey Hepburn the other day.

[A]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You prayed to Audrey Hepburn?

[B]

No, I. It's a way of releasing resentments. Your ten step.

[A]

You had a resentment against Audrey Hepburn?

[B]

I had to do it to crypto. I've had to do it to a lot of things. You've never had to release resentments around things? Oh, dude, I don't think so. Oh, yeah. I had to release resentments around people and then I had. I realized how much like self righteous indignation and resentment I had towards like.

[A]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, Accutane.

[B]

I had to shut up. I mean, it did really work. But also I feel like it left a mark mentally.

[A]

Amazing. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah.

[B]

Things, things. I forget that like we have. We have anger towards things.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, do a forgiveness on myself thing and then serenity prayer I'll do, but I'll be like, God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can in the wisdom.

[A]

No difference. But I.

[B]

What are they? Just show me what are they?

[A]

What.

[B]

What can. I can't. I will talk myself into what I can change and what I can.

[A]

Right, But I think you can. You. You can substitute things for that. Like, if it's a situation, like, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change my partner. Change the things I can. My feelings towards this and the wisdom to know the difference between the two. I kind of.

[B]

You don't think you change your partner. Loser. Not trying hard enough. You can change yourself.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you could change yourself and you're.

[A]

Thinking in your actions.

[B]

I know, but if you change yourself often, your partner will change a little bit. Life hack.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Thing.

[A]

Look at that. Oh, no, I didn't mean now.

[B]

I love that. I love that. I just think therapy is like, helpful to an extent. Extent. But then you're kind of just like, I am just a top. We think about ourselves so much.

[A]

Well, a lot of them are charlatans.

[B]

That's correct.

[A]

But I have. I have. Like, I'm really, really mean to myself.

[B]

And also not on. Not always on purpose. Like, I don't think they're going in like, I'm gonna keep this person sick. I think they're just like, well, I'm.

[A]

Pretty mean to myself and I'm. I feel like I have, like, compassion and understanding for everyone else but me. And then I. In talking about, you know, my childhood and stuff like that he. And the anger that comes out and then the anger that I direct inward. It's just good to talk about it and have someone go, hey, can I just stop you right there? And that's like a pretty mean thing to say to you. And then I'm like, I guess it is. And then when he's like, find compassion. I'm like, no, that's feeling. Because I conflate compassion for myself with feeling sorry for myself. And I.

[B]

What is the difference?

[A]

I mean, I know that feeling sorry for myself feels really good.

[B]

Piss self pity.

[A]

And I get in that sometimes. But I don't intentionally go, oh, it's so hard. But I think I isolate and just obsess about how I'm not good enough for this or that. Which in a way, is feeling sorry.

[B]

For myself good enough for what or who?

[A]

For anyone or anything. Or why I'm not getting this or why I'm not further. Or why I. I should have been there.

[B]

I did not get to do a roast at the Trump rally.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Don't think. I didn't think that I was like, I could have, like, why did they ask me?

[A]

That's so I would have been perfect. Would you have said yes him?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Of course.

[A]

You would have gotten so much. Watch a movie, I bet.

[B]

Oh, really? I don't even. I. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. I don't. I just. Yeah. I don't care. I would have loved to have done.

[A]

I would think that I would live in a world that if I were to do that, I would roast him and the people he's involved in as well as the other people, and then not endorse. You know what I mean? That was my whole thing on it. Like, dude, he did what he was supposed to do. He got hired to be a vicious roaster.

[B]

Tony is my friend, dear friend. I just am obsessed with the fact that his, like, roast that Trump rally was the most disastrous Trump rally. And there was one where Trump got shot in the head.

[A]

That's so funny.

[B]

There was one where two people die.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And his was the most disastrous. It was so bad.

[A]

So funny.

[B]

Like, literally, we had to hear Jennifer Lopez give a speech about it. It just got worse and worse. And then. Do you remember when Trump pretended not to know.

[A]

I don't know this guy.

[B]

Trump pretended not to know Tony Hinchcliffe when he publicly says Jeffrey Epstein was a good friend? Like, he. No, no. He literally. When Ghislaine Maxwell went to prison. It's Ghislaine. Ghislaine.

[A]

I thought it was just Lane.

[B]

Maybe it is. I don't know.

[A]

What would the.

[B]

What did she say when she left voicemail messages for you? Did she say, gillian, call me back immediately.

[A]

I got new gals and they're waiting.

[B]

It was just like. So he literally said, I wish Ghislaine well. She's a good person, and pretended not.

[A]

To know he was friends with them. Oh, yeah, you're right.

[B]

Like, he literally, like, sucks Trump. And then Trump pretended not to know him after.

[A]

So funny.

[B]

Now he knows what it's like to be a Miss USA contestant.

[A]

Step. Now he knows what it's like to be on a show.

[B]

Now. Welcome to Hollywood, baby.

[A]

Yeah. So you.

[B]

The holidays. Oh, my God. Are the perfect time to relapse. Kidding. Holidays are the perfect time to hop, open a bottle of wine, celebrate your friends and your family. Because let's be honest, we like our friends and family better when we're a little buzzed. Okay. Don't grab something random from the grocery store. Go with something unique. Naked Wines connects you directly with independent winemakers from around the world delivering award winning wines to your door. With Naked Wines, you get six bottles of wine. That's enough for like an hour with my family. Just 39.99 shipping included. Each bottle is crafted by passionate winemakers and every sip has a story. Whether into reds, whites, or a mix, there is something for everyone. I recently got one of their bottles during a dinner party. Total hit. Every time I bring something from Naked Wines, I was like, oh my God, how did you know about this Argentina thing? And I was like, I didn't. But I pretend I do. Because I lie. Naked Wines makes it easy to lie. Explore new wines without the guesswork. And the best part, you're supporting small winemakers while enjoying exceptional quality. Go to naked wines.com Whitney don't just find the best sticker on the best wine. Doesn't work that way. I learned that the hard way. Naked Wines code Whitney for both the promo code and the password. That's six bottles for just $39.99 with shipping included@naked wines.com Whitney wine better than therapy. They didn't write that. I did. That was me. What's one thing that you wish you knew starting your pregnancy journey? I get asked that a lot. And honestly, it was how important the right, like, nutrients are. Like the multivitamin search. It's. It's worse than online dating to try to find the thing. There's so many scams out there. And you know me in a scam. I just can't with a scam. Okay. Thank God for Ritual. They're essential for women. Prenatal vitamin. It takes the guesswork out of the prenatal care with just two daily capsules. That's it. It's designed with mom to baby support in mind. Includes nutrients omega DHA for brain development, Vitamin D. It's gentle on the stomach, delayed release design. Easy to take on those queasy days. It's tested. It comes with Citrus Essence tab for a pleasant experience. Your mouth's not going to smell like a dwarf. B Corp, non gmo, clean label, you name it. What else do you want? Get 25% off your first month at ritual.com Whitney ritual.com Whitney for 25 off. Your baby deserves it because you're going to ruin them later with your personality. You might as well give them a head start with some dha. You want to hear my jelly roll roast jokes?

[A]

Yes. Remember I was with you when you got it?

[B]

Yeah, when I started today.

[A]

Are they gonna air that or was that like a private.

[B]

They might. I don't know. Yeah, I'm not sure, but I got.

[A]

Invited to go down there and I didn't go.

[B]

Why did you go? That would have been such a quick flight. It was so fun. It was so fun. I'm gonna read some because people keep asking, can I.

[A]

Can I just adjust this?

[B]

You can also get a chair. I mean, this wasn't supposed to get a chair.

[A]

I don't see one in this room.

[B]

This wasn't supposed to keep some sort of riddle. I'm this way. Oh, my God. That's what you look like.

[A]

What? Huh?

[B]

This your face next to Mae West?

[A]

Is this another old timey actress you have a resentment against? I mean, dude, Pat, I brought in her Casper mattress, by the way. It was in the fucking mail thing by the gate, and I'm pushing it down the hill. Oh, hey, how you doing? She's like, laying the ball pit. Queer. You look like Mae West.

[B]

What is this? Oh, do you want my sex robot? Maybe that could be a good way for you, Pat. Would you mind grabbing her? I feel like that'd be a good way for you, Gervaise. Is that be a good thing for you if you want to take a little break, you know what I mean? Or have, like, healthy threesomes where you can foster intimacy with a man or woman but not involve another person who could sue you or cancel you or go on Twitter one day because they had hard times and got fired by Chipotle and, like, need some cash fast. They're gonna be like, Ian took advantage.

[A]

They're barking up the wrong tree.

[B]

I just mean, like, maybe a sex robot.

[A]

I high five after sex.

[B]

The robot can do.

[A]

So that means we have. We. Everything's good.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, in writing. We high fived after. I just. I just get Will.

[A]

I like making friends everywhere I go.

[B]

I get where if you. If you have sex with me with a condom, you are not my friend, okay? My UTI results beg to differ.

[A]

Is this the sex robot that looks like you?

[B]

Not anymore. I mean, it was made six years ago, so she's like the younger version of me with Bell's palsy.

[A]

And you have it here?

[B]

Well, yeah. I mean, she's. She. You know, she can be in the.

[A]

What the is this? Get. Why is she wearing a sack of A burlap sack? She's already given me a hand job. I like this Whitney. She doesn't talk. This is a good Whitney. Oh, God, her head fell off. Oh, my God. She's RoboCop. She's got RoboCop. Get this thing off me, Pat. What hell have you put me into? Get this away from me. I'm with a headless Whit.

[B]

Look at.

[A]

Oh, my God. Now I know what it's like to be married to Whitney. Headless by the way.

[B]

Look at that. Look at his. Look at his feet.

[A]

Sorry, I didn't even notice. God, her body's so heavy. Can you lose weight with me? This is out of control. Oh, look, she's me. Hey.

[B]

Oh, yeah. High five.

[A]

Dude, is this AI? Her fingers are messed up. Dude, this is out of control.

[B]

Don't you think this maybe would be a good, like, way to.

[A]

Yeah, tell me how this would be a good thing for me while you reattach its head and it's got a hook in its back.

[B]

Okay, so.

[A]

I mean, this. People have sex with these.

[B]

Yeah, no, she can actually.

[A]

I'm not Asian into anime. I don't think I would. Like. Like, this is. Can you show her nipple? Does she have good boobs? Oh, you're putting her ass on me. Come here, mama. See, this is like the three. God, no, don't show her. This is crazy.

[B]

The most popular nipples down at the Robot Sex Robot factory is bigger than the boob and big nipples. I never thought guys were into bigger nipples, but they are, according to the sex robot.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

Don't you think this could be a good way to take some time off of sex with strangers? I mean, she's got a.

[A]

Is it good?

[B]

Here's the thing. I have not touched it, because once you build your own sex robot and spend a lot of time with it, you do start to anthropomorphize, and she feels like my kid or something.

[A]

Wait, were you in the, like, lab being like, hey, make her face more?

[B]

I mean, tell me you haven't seen my specials. Tell me you haven't seen my specials. But yes, I went down to the factory for two years almost.

[A]

It's. It's not against you. I don't watch stand up.

[B]

Hold on. That's smart. Well, it wasn't really stand up.

[A]

Oh, my God, this is wild.

[B]

Head is very. And you know that she.

[A]

I mean, barely. She doesn't have a head. Whitney.

[B]

As soon as she's. As soon as she talks, she stops being a sex robot because your just gets off right away. I mean, she's got a vagina.

[A]

She's hurting my shoulder. I mean, she's a heavy gal.

[B]

That's the hardest part about them, is they're kind of. Oh, don't pull her head off again.

[A]

Ow, ow. She's already hurting me.

[B]

This is. Hey, Ian, how did you get a concussion? Hi, everybody.

[A]

Welcome back. Oh, there we go.

[B]

Hold on, hold on.

[A]

What is my life? What is my. Oh, perfect. Thanks, RoboCop. Oh, she's got nice ears.

[B]

RoboCop.

[A]

No. Oh, no. Face off. Oh, God. Hello, Clarice. Hello, Clarice. Fava means a Chianti. Get it away, get it away. I feel like I'm gonna the Terminator. This is crazy.

[B]

She can't be ridiculous. Okay, well. Okay. Whoa.

[A]

Sorry. I'm pulling a disease. Come on. This is out of control. Let me just suck these.

[B]

Where's her face? Okay, you're Whitney. Hold on. I mean, hold on. You're good in my chair.

[A]

Oh, God, where are my glasses? Oh, you have.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, my. I can't. Oh, my God.

[A]

I'm.

[B]

I'm having a heart attack.

[A]

Here's what you need to do with your life with Whitney Cummings. Oh, my God. You know, can I get another drink, please? I don't have enough. One drink, two little. Three little drink drinks. I only drink garlic. I only drink. I love roasting. Let me read my own jokes on my own podcast.

[B]

Okay, well, how did I go on.

[A]

Someone else's podcast and say a bunch of shit that's going to get it out of the algorithm?

[B]

I'm just going to say pussy talk.

[A]

I'm turning into the sex robot because I only care about algorithm, Algorithm, algorithm. Al Gore has rhythm, rhythm, rhythm. Rhythm and blues, blues. Sad sadness. Feeling sad. Shutting that hit my real eyeball here. I'll be like, oh, you throw rhythm. Stop. I can't see. My face is always. What's happening.

[B]

Wait, you look sick with long hair.

[A]

Oh, this was. Oh, that one looks heavy. Okay. I thought it was, like, a big dude. This is fun. Like the reflex.

[B]

And now you get to be a cat. This is. This is. Hey, YouTube. This is what you've made comedy become. This is.

[A]

This is. This is what you've wanted all along. I mean, this is wild, man.

[B]

It's even my ear.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know.

[A]

How are you? What about. You know, I've really. I'm a girl that looks like me with a girl that looks like you, and I think. Anyway. Whitney, what were you saying?

[B]

See if it looks like my face.

[A]

I can't. I can't see a thing.

[B]

All right, maybe.

[A]

Wouldn't it be funny? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You. Would it be funny if the cameras weren't on and we were just in an insane asylum?

[B]

Okay, there's something kind of therapeutic.

[A]

Oh, dude, that is jarring.

[B]

What?

[A]

Somehow you look like Dennis Hopper in Speed. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Stop. I can't look. I can't look. I can't look. Let me put on this. Oh, that's I have shirts for you. Yeah. This is great. I love this. Get it on the Bad Body Tour. Bad Bobby. What is it? Big Baby?

[B]

Bad Body.

[A]

No, that's. That's. That's. That. Isn't that that rap rapper Danielle Bergoli? Both. Stop doing the lip thing. Good God.

[B]

Would you be able to put your dick.

[A]

Oh, my God. Let's find out right after this. Dude, what if you got a blowjob from someone wearing that mask?

[B]

I bet you could do it.

[A]

I bet. I bet I could.

[B]

I don't know, because when there was something nice about not knowing, like, who was.

[A]

Yeah. It's called a glory hole. I've done that before. What about.

[B]

What if every time you hooked up with a girl, another city, you asked them to wear this mask?

[A]

Dude, I have a. I have a. I have a. I have a buddy who carries a fake belly button ring on. He's like, would you mind wearing this? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[B]

What?

[A]

Huh? And he's also balding, so he has a toupee. And he's like, if you want me to wear more hair, I will.

[B]

But no.

[A]

Yeah. No. J.J. lieberman. Check him out. Crazy.

[B]

I love that. I'm like, we didn't cut that out from this episode.

[A]

You look like Nicholas Gage in Long Legs in every movie.

[B]

Long Legs. Okay.

[A]

Are you fingering yourself?

[B]

I just do.

[A]

If I take my glasses off, this isn't that bad, but I put them on, and it is jarring.

[B]

I'm just curious.

[A]

Oh, God, you're Paul. There it is.

[B]

There it is. I do think you shared only one person has ever touched her vagina.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Chelsea Lynn.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

But a guy has not given me feedback on it.

[A]

Really? Well, I don't think a guy is either today. I don't think that's in the cards. I don't think you're gonna play with a fake vagina on YouTube unless you go look at my special wild happy. Unless you subscribe to my Patreon. Then I'll do whatever you want.

[B]

At least we all know what you're going to share about in that A meeting around the way, too.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just came from a fever dream nightmare and I didn't drink.

[B]

I also think we need to redo the podcast because it's just like, what this.

[A]

This is so fun.

[B]

It's like me with the food doll on me. Like.

[A]

And I love how you're like, we need to stop obsessing about ourselves. And you're literally wearing a fake you face next to a fake you with a dollar. You surrounded by pictures of you. Holy. The call is coming from inside the house. Good God almighty. Jesus Christ.

[B]

Me again. What?

[A]

Oh, God. What are you, a liberal doing Covid? Do as I say, not as I do.

[B]

A scrapbook of just me.

[A]

Oh, dude, that's amazing.

[B]

I didn't make this, though.

[A]

No, but you kept it.

[B]

Hoping someone would ask about it. Put it on ebay. No takers.

[A]

God, I would. I kind of want one of these. The lips are, like, so colorful.

[B]

Yeah, no, it's custom. They. They. They cast my face crazy tons of times, and then they make a custom face for you. A bunch of.

[A]

Buy it.

[B]

So I don't want to brag.

[A]

Really? How much would you sell one of these for?

[B]

50 cents. I'll pay you to take this thing out of my house. It's a nightmare.

[A]

This is like. Would be the updated Shining. Like, this would be Danny, like. Oh, God.

[B]

Well, don't stretch your mouth out too much.

[A]

Oh, I'm making her the joker. Her mouth. Just her mouth. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. To cut the thing that you keep in a closet and you've never used. I'm so sorry. I truly didn't mean to. I'm really, really sorry. On. Oh, she'll. She's been through a lot today. We'll review the tape and see when exactly it happened.

[B]

And I've never let him touch her vagina after what you just did to her mouth.

[A]

Oh, I'm sorry, dude.

[B]

It's okay. I have a guy who can sew it up.

[A]

Oh, dude, I'm so sorry.

[B]

Take it to Bobby Lee and have him give it to his mom.

[A]

I'll.

[B]

She'll know what to do.

[A]

Here, I'll take it back.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

I thought it was done with because her face fell off. I'm sorry. Here, take your face. I'm so sorry.

[B]

Damn it, man.

[A]

I'm so sorry.

[B]

Got ahead. Got ahead. Your a meeting.

[A]

Oh, yeah. It's a shame I gotta leave this house of horrors. I love that I got to be here for the remake of Texas Chainsaw. Massacre. This is incredible. Oh, my God. You just need a chainsaw and some inbred cousin. I'm like, oh, this is great.

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen, can I say this.

[A]

Is my favorite podcast I've ever done. This was, like, the most fun I've ever had. This has been amazing.

[B]

Last time, you got left with a thousand bucks. This time you left with a thousand nightmares.

[A]

Yeah. That's incredible.

[B]

Catch Ian on YouTube. Young, wild and free.

[A]

Wild, happy, wild, happy and free. Check me out on the road.

[B]

Ian.finance.com ianfinance.com I hope you'll come do some more dates with me. If they don't conflict with your dates.

[A]

That'd be so fun. I had so much fun with you.

[B]

To do it, but if you just want to for fun.

[A]

You're very sweet. Yeah, yeah. It's a good time. I really had fun in Vegas. Oh, not the. Wilbur looked awesome with you and Grace. There's something going on with your lip that looks like a tongue in that face.

[B]

Touch. Being Ian with Jordan, which, by the way, is my boyfriend's favorite podcast.

[A]

Oh, that's the best dude.

[B]

Is it?

[A]

I will. That's cool.

[B]

He'll be dying laughing, and I'm like, what do you do? And he's watching Being Ian with Jordan.

[A]

I love that. That's amazing. That's your after character. Exactly the 100.

[B]

He loves it so much.

[A]

I love how me and the mask of. You both have the same hairline.

[B]

Also, by the way, as I said earlier, do not go to therapy.

[A]

You don't need her.

[B]

It's not necessary. Therapy is just you obsessing over yourself. Okay. People don't. Okay. Just go to meetings and get a doll of yourself.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That you'd use as a. What is it? Or what are the things you put little pins in? Voodoo doll.

[A]

Voodoo doll. Yeah. That's perfect.

[B]

Unlike you, who's a Goo Goo doll.

[A]

And you're an OO doll. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

Bye. Say, don't ride elephant.

[A]

Don't ride elephants.