Mall Girl Summer | Good For You Podcast Ep #343

Summary

Episode Overview

Title: Mall Girl Summer | Good For You Podcast Ep #343
Host: Whitney Cummings
Date: May 20, 2026
Theme: Whitney and guest Pat riff on everything from comedy roasts to the peculiarities of American mall culture, LA’s mayoral race, the cultural meaning of crystals and hummingbirds, modern diagnoses, and the existential joys of mall wandering—a packed episode full of rapid-fire cultural commentary and signature Whitney tangents.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Comedy Roasts, Camaraderie, and Changing Comedy Culture

[01:00–03:43]

• Whitney reflects on the tone of recent comedy roasts, comparing them to past ones:
  • Old roasts: camaraderie, fun, "WWE energy" (playful, not too real)
  • Recent roasts: more intense, less friendly, "MMA energy" (actual damage)
  • “The idea is that everyone leaves liking each other more… It was just kind of like, well, thank God none of these people have wives or husbands, because they won’t after that.” — Whitney [02:11]
• Comment on the shifting tone in comedy, where there seems to be more "sides" and deep divisions, instead of a united front.
• The roast is supposed to be “fun damage”—no one should “leave with less,” only audience respect.

2. LA Mayoral Race & Reality Celebrity Politics

[03:43–06:57]

• Whitney muses on LA being like “J.Lo’s dating life”—even those who dislike California are obsessed with its choices.
• Spencer Pratt (of MTV fame) running for mayor on a reality show sets the tone for more transparency in politics.
  • “Why can’t we do that? Like the way that we put cameras on police officers. Shouldn’t we just be following politicians around at all times?” — Whitney [04:18]
• She argues that criticizing him for "crystals" is missing the point—cultural quirks are everywhere.

3. The Crystal Debate: Cultural Double Standards

[06:57–12:19]

• Whitney delivers a comedic defense of Spencer Pratt’s crystal obsession:
  • “Men need things, and this is the least weird thing. I think it’s weirder when men collect watches—the most not-on-time men I know collect watches.” — Whitney [07:30]
  • Points out societal hypocrisy: we mock crystals but glorify diamonds/metals/paper money.
  • “We’re all just like, rock, paper. We’re all playing rock, paper, scissors at all times.” [08:44]
  • Defends Trader Joe’s workers from online ridicule, expanding on Internet judgmentalism.
• Memorable tangent: If you mock crystals, make sure you don’t have “someone else’s hair clipped into your head” or “calf implants” before you judge.

4. Hummingbirds as a Political Platform

[12:19–14:31]

• Whitney finds Spencer Pratt’s hummingbird obsession “endearing and a plus for leadership.”
  • “He makes homemade nectar. He hand feeds them… I will vote for this guy based on his relationship with hummingbirds alone.” [12:20]
• Discusses birds (crows leaving her tools, parrots & their longevity).
• “Pre-approved by the crows. This man is feeding the hummingbirds, right? … This is how men can provide. All right? Get the food supply fertilized.” — Whitney [13:18]

5. Mall Girl Summer: Wandering the Modern American Mall

[25:23–31:56]

• Whitney declares it a “mall girl summer.” She’s rediscovered the joy and emptiness of the American mall, especially as a space for nostalgia and people-watching.
  • “It was a way to meet creeps. Okay, but creeps—it’s really easy to meet creeps these days. Like, you don’t have to go to the mall about it, right? I get the mall. Finally. No one’s there anymore.” [25:50]
• Describes current mall culture: “Things Remembered” lines, anime & sneaker stores, T-shirt kiosks where you put your own face on shirts.
• Lampoons “Sunny Angel” (naked baby) collectible dolls and offers a biting commentary on modern collectibles.
  • “They look like sea monkeys designed by the guy who wrote Lolita… If you buy Sunny Angels, you should have to walk door to door and tell your neighbors.” [28:46]

6. Railing Against Social Media Diagnosis Culture

[36:30–46:40]

• Whitney rants about “diagnosis porn”—the trend of self-diagnosing via TikTok.
  • “First of all, I know I’m neurodivergent, okay? But that’s not what we called it. Weirdo… Now we have to make it something clinical… Let us hang out with our crows.” [39:35]
• Self-aware about her own behavioral quirks, resenting both over-diagnosis and dismissiveness.
• Mocks the specificity of mental health content, as well as the content creator/diagnosis industry.
  • “How about this hot take? I don’t have ADD—I’m busy and you’re boring.” [44:26]
  • “I have ADD when I’m with someone who talks about jet lag.” [44:50]

7. UK, Royalty, and the American Psyche

[52:30–58:45]

• Discusses King Charles’ speech to Congress and the American response, full of historical and therapist-mocking metaphors.
  • “We are Britney, you’re Britney’s dad… you just made my parents pay you to lie to me.” [53:00]
  • Resentment at international critique (“We can say it. You can’t say it. We have the First Amendment. You don’t.”)
• Extended riff on British bears, American anxiety about adults with dolls, and keeping one’s judgments in check.

8. Bonus Rapid-Fire Riffs

[Throughout, e.g. 24:00, 27:42, 38:10, 41:47]

• Resort fees: Boycotting hotels until fees are abolished (“I will fight tooth and nail the minibar” [24:37])
• Kiosks: Mall kiosks as “the side chick” of retail
• Dubai chocolate: Skepticism about food fads (“I’m not taking on more foods.” [32:00])
• Diagnosis as survival advantage: "Having crippling ADD is the only way you’re going to survive the alien invasion." [46:10]
• On men seeking height surgery: “They all look like Woody from Toy Story when they come back from Turkey.” [58:00]
• Cowboy boots as heels for men: “Cowboy boots are heels for men, and you’ll never change my mind.” [58:25]

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote & Context | |-----------|-----------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:11 | Whitney | “The idea is to make everyone like them more. Because I’m gonna make fun of you about this thing and you’re gonna laugh about it and, like, you’re a good sport.” | | 04:18 | Whitney | “Why can’t we do that? Like, the way that we put cameras on police officers. Shouldn’t we just be following politicians around at all times?” | | 07:30 | Whitney | “Men need things, and this is the least weird thing. I think it’s weirder when men collect watches—the most not-on-time men I know collect watches.” | | 08:44 | Whitney | “We’re all just like, rock, paper. We’re all playing rock, paper, scissors at all times.” | | 12:20 | Whitney | “He makes homemade nectar. He hand feeds them… I will vote for this guy based on his relationship with hummingbirds alone.” | | 28:46 | Whitney | “They look like sea monkeys designed by the guy who wrote Lolita… If you buy Sunny Angels, you should have to walk door to door and tell your neighbors.” | | 41:50 | Whitney | “Hey, you wanna eye contact? Go on OnlyFans.” | | 44:26 | Whitney | “How about this hot take? I don’t have ADD—I’m busy and you’re boring.” | | 46:10 | Whitney | “Having crippling ADD is the only way you’re going to survive the alien invasion.” | | 53:00 | Whitney | “We are Britney, you’re Britney’s dad… We’re Britney, dude. We’re Brittany. You can’t… There’s nothing you can do.” | | 58:00 | Whitney | “They all look like Woody from Toy Story when they come back from Turkey.” (about leg lengthening surgery) | | 58:25 | Whitney | “Cowboy boots are heels for men, and you’ll never change my mind.” |

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:00 — Roasts, Comedy as WWE vs. MMA
• 03:43 — LA Mayoral Race & Spencer Pratt’s crystals
• 06:57 — Crystals and Cultural Hypocrisy
• 12:19 — Hummingbirds, Birds as Character Reference
• 25:23 — Mall Girl Summer: Mall Nostalgia & Contemporary Culture
• 28:46 — Sunny Angel Dolls Rant
• 36:30 — Social Media Diagnosis Culture
• 44:26 — ADD, Modern Psychological Self-Assessment
• 52:30 — UK Royalty, America’s Attitude
• 58:00 — Leg Extension, “Cowboy boots are heels for men”

---

Tone & Style Notes

• Highly conversational, fast-paced, and sharply irreverent.
• Whitney’s humor is self-aware, self-deprecating, and full of cultural observations.
• Frequent riffing, callbacks, and tangents, punctuated by Pat’s dry side-comments.

---

Useful Takeaways

• The episode skewers modern culture’s contradictions: the worthless judgments we pass online, society’s shifting targets for ridicule (crystals! luxury mall items! collectible dolls!), and America’s collective need for diagnosis.
• Recommends celebrating the weird, letting go of over-specific labels, and embracing the absurdity of contemporary life—whether it’s the emptiness of the mall, the drama of political races, or choosing your next snack.
• Underlines the importance of not judging people for harmless quirks while we all collectively “play rock-paper-scissors with life.”

---

For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

If you want an episode full of sharp, improvised monologues about the petty and cosmic realities of American life, with deep dives into mall culture, crystals, hummingbirds, and why ADD is the best defense against alien apocalypse, this is the “Good For You” episode to check out. Whitney’s blend of cultural criticism and absurd humor promises a “Mall Girl Summer” for anyone willing to celebrate the weird.

Transcript

[A]

You survived the Miami weekend, nailed the speech and maxed out your credit card in the name of friendship. Now you've got one hangover, four pastel dresses, and zero reasons to wear them again. Sell them on Depop. Just snap a few photos and we'll take care of the rest. And you at least get some of your dignity money back. Someone on Depop wants what you've got. Start selling now, Depop. Where taste recognizes taste.

[B]

Tired of overpaying with DirecTV? Dish offers a reliable low price every month without surprises. Get the TV you love and start watching live sports news and the latest movies, plus your favorite streaming apps all in one place. Switch to Dish today and lock in the lowest price in satellite TV starting at $89.99 a month with with our two year price guarantee. Call 888 add dish or visit dish.com today.

[C]

Action. Oh, hey, did you watch the roast, Pat? People are still talking about it, still fighting about it.

[D]

I caught a few performances on in like clip form.

[C]

Here's my. I'm only going to say one sentence about the roast. We all hate ourselves. So if you hate me, like, we're soulmates, we have so much in common. You hate me? Me too. Like, like we all. There was a camaraderie, There was like a maybe a Stockholm syndrome. You know, maybe it wasn't healthy, you know, maybe it was that. But we were also getting. You get paid. We're co workers. Like, there was a joy in like, we're getting paid for th. This, you know, like, I had to take insults like this with for no money as a kid. This is like, I get paid. So it felt like to me, the roast should feel like wwe and this one felt like mma. Like, that's the only way I know how to explain was like, oh, like, I feel like some people won't hug at the end. And I like, I, I want to see that.

[D]

At the previous roasts there, it didn't seem like there were sides. And lately in the last five years or so, it seems like, especially in comedy, that there are now sides.

[C]

Sure, sure, that's exactly it. It's become the bifurcated that way. But also the idea is that everyone leaves liking each other more and the audience likes everyone more because they've seen them laugh at themselves and the topics you pick. The idea isn't to change the way people perceive someone or make people like them less. The idea is to make everyone like them more. Because I'm gonna make fun of you about this thing and you're gonna laugh about it and, like, you're a good sport. It was just kind of like, well, thank God none of these people have wives or husbands, because they won't after that. Like, it felt like the same way. When I watch wwe, I'm, like, enjoying it because I know no one's really getting hurt. I mean, they are, but not on purpose, you know? And they're all agreeing to kind of pretend to hurt each other. That's what I love about the roast. But when I watch mma, I'm kind of like, oh, God. I might see someone permanently lose the ability to remember their child's name today, and that makes it less fun for me. I'm on no one's side. And watching that, I was like, someone's going to lose an endorsement deal today. Like, someone is losing money. The idea is everyone leaves with more money and water under the bridge. And it felt like someone's losing a. Someone might lose a wife today. And I. You know, so it. It. That's the only thing I'm going to say about it. Like, that's the only thing I'm going to say about it. I. Look at me. Did you just see me? Shut up. Did you guys see this? I just shut up. I just shut it up. I just shut up. How do you say it?

[D]

Shut up.

[C]

I just shut up. Feels like everyone's talking about California's choices for mayor. It's almost like J. Lo's dating. That's what it's like when California. Everyone can't stand California, but as soon as it needs to, as soon as it's single, we want to know who it's going to date. Like, we want to see the next train wreck, you know? So, look, the. I'm so sorry. I mean, the funniest thing is the L. A mayoral race. I'm not even a politics. I don't even know when the election is. I don't follow state or city politics, but this is so funny. You just cannot. It's just too good. It's. I'm sorry. I just. Here's. Here's the place. I do need to step in. Spencer Pratt is running for mayor on a reality show, which. I like it. I think every politician should be filmed at all times 24, 7. I think this is setting a very healthy precedent. We film everything they do. I want to see who they're going to campaign with. I want to see their staffers face when they go in to hug them. I want to see if I sense any terror. I want to see where their Hands are at all times. Are they on the lower backs of their employees or where are their hands? I want to see these situation rooms. I want to be in there. Okay. I want. I want. Like, I do think. Why can't we do that? Like, the way that we put cameras on police officers. Shouldn't we just be following politicians around at all times? Like, why not? Yeah, it's the. Oh, it's the only. Because we spend most of our time just trying to get to the truth. Am I pro surveillance? Yes, I am. Is this. Did this. This is how they do it. They just. They maybe. The powers that be are the most influential people on earth. They make sure bad behavior has happened so much that we didn't see that. We're like, can we just film everything? We should just record everything. They're like, ah, all right, that's what you want. I guess we'll just make your earbuds. Thought trackers. I'm going to come in hot with a defensive Spencer prep. I don't even really know I'm. I don't even know if he'd be good at this or not. I haven't looked into it enough, but I do not. Here's what I don't like, here's what I am going to defend is when someone is making their point, making a case, trying to be respected, legitimized, considered. Someone's in a fair fight, and then a low blow comes through. That has nothing to do with. With the situation being discussed, which is why no one on my watch is going to criticize Spencer Pratt for having crystals. Has nothing to do is. It's nuts. Fine. It has nothing to do with anything going on in. If you're a mayor and you have crystals, fine. A lot of politicians had kids on a boat, okay? Leave the crystals out of it, all right? It's. This is so la that maybe they're upset.

[D]

It's an unfair advantage.

[C]

It's like doping in sports.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

Oh, so you just have a bunch of amethysts all around you, so making it so you can be clairvoyant.

[D]

You have all the good ones and there's none.

[C]

I haven't even charged my tourmaline, and I won the last round. You're hoarding all the crystals. It's basically like taking all the gas out of the gas stations. How am I supposed to drive to the debate? If you want to criticize Spencer, fine. Don't do it. Because he has a bunch of crystals, okay? You're looking at the other candidates. Karen Bass and the other one. And they have diamonds all over their fingers to signify monogamy. What? What? So if he bought tons of diamonds instead of tons of crystals, you guys would be like, sake. Diamonds is weirder. All right? If he was spending it on private planes, we'd be like, cool. We're not slamming crystals as. The reason that we're mad at Spencer Pratt is because he has a bunch of crystals. Good for him. This is a healthy hobby for a man. Mike Tyson has pigeons. Men need things, and this is the least weird thing. I think it's weirder when men collect watches the most. Not on time men I know collect watches. I'm not gonna come for crystals. Okay, my. My only slam on crystals is that shouldn't they be free? They're rocks. Like, can't you just go get them somewhere? If I know people own quarries. But there must be places where you can just go. Is paying for them is the goofy part. Like, it seems like, you know what I mean? You can just go. It's not like picking a flower. Like, you're paying. What you're paying for is for someone to, like, polish it, which is even more ridiculous. Oh, it was. The rock's too ugly for you. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The rock isn't shiny enough for. That's where it gets a little odd for me. Like, the crystal part's free. It's the making it smooth and shiny. That's the. You're paying for that labor. You can't charge someone for something that's 20 million years old. You're a squatter. You're squatting on the rock. You can. It's in. It's just in your house. That's. It's just in your house. It's weird the things we decide are corny. Like, it's weird the things we decide make someone lame. We're like, you and your crystals. Like, well, okay. Well, we pay someone to cut down a bunch of trees to make paper that we paint green, and we trade it for the rocks. Like, we're all just. I mean. And we're such weird monkeys, dude. Like, we're all just like, rock, paper. Like, we're all playing. Playing rock, paper, scissors at all times. We're like, can you sharpen my rock? I'll give you this paper for this scissors and this rock. Like, we're all just like. I just. All I'm saying is that if you don't like Spencer Pratt, that is fine. But don't make it about the crystals, because you're ridiculous, too. It's like the people who trashed comics who did the Saudi festival. It's like, well, you were doing your trashing from a device powered by cobalt mined in the Congo by abused pregnant women and children. And then you post it from a social media site designed to make children addicted to a screen and so that perverts could find them without having to go to a mall. I'm going to shut up again because I can't deal with people being mad at a guy who has crystals. Okay? Let's just make sure if you're mad at Spencer Pratt because he has crystals, that you don't have a Labubu hanging from your backpack. Your Herschel. You got a Herschel with a labo boo, and I know it. Let's make sure that you don't have someone else's hair clipped into your head, okay? Let's make sure you don't have a clear bra strap that everyone can see that we all have to pretend is clear. Make sure that you're not a man who dyes his hair, and we all know it because once a month, your neck is purple. Let's just make sure before you come for a mayoral candidate because he has crystals. Let's just make sure that you didn't get calf implants. Let's just all chill, all right? There are weirder things that are bought and sold, right? There are businesses that track women's periods. No one's mad at them. There's literally these. These Silicon Valley dorks. They have their new direwolf that they just brought back with Jurassic DNA. Okay? From the Mesozoic Era. Just like sniffing out women for their periods. I. I'll. I'll take a crystal hustle any day of the week. Do you remember when the guy from the Cosby show was working at Trader Joe's and everyone made fun of him? Is there any job that is good enough for the Internet? The crystals. Trader Joe's. But okay, a bunch of people who are bored at work who hate their job are like you, loser. You work at Trader Joe's. You sell crystals. Why can't you be like me and work at a fake company that launders money that I am pretty sure is sells insurance? What's good enough for you people? Okay, you're. Oh, you're just over there hanging out with a billion old beautiful fossils that project rainbows all over your house. Loser. You know Spencer Pratt also very into hummingbirds? Do you know this?

[D]

I like it.

[C]

This is such a plus for me. I Will vote for this guy based on his relationship with hummingbirds alone. If an animal likes people, especially birds, like, that tells me everything I need to know about this person. He makes homemade nectar. He hand feeds them. He has a hat to feed all of the hummingbirds. You talk about climate change and you talk about changing. This is actually. These are the pollinators that make sure we have food and fix the environment. Okay? I trust hummingbirds before I trust threads and Twitter's opinion. That's where we are. When someone asks me, like, who do you think should win? I'm like, what do the hummingbirds think? I'm not kidding. When someone asks me, like, about something, like I'm recommending somebody or, you know, I can tell they're trying to figure out if they can trust me or not. You know how I went over their trust? I say, my crows are now leaving me tools. They're like, say no more.

[D]

Vetted.

[C]

I'm not kidding. Pre approved by the crows. This man is feeding the hummingbirds, right? The. They're. He's getting birds pollinating. That's. This is how men can provide. All right? Get the food supply fertilized.

[D]

What if Karen Bass showed up at a debate and she had, like, a parrot on her shoulder? Like a pirate.

[C]

Parrots not as helpful. Parrots not as helpful. I don't. I don't think parrots have any biological purpose or ecological purpose. Check me on that. Except to maybe keep women company after a rough divorce or just make sure that current guy doesn't propose. I like parrots. You know, you have to put them in their. Your will because they live for, like, a hundred years.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm not clear.

[D]

It's a real f you to everyone burying you.

[C]

Oh, you don't think I want to get a bunch of parrots and leave them to my exes in my will? That's. I've always wanted to do that. I've always wanted to do that just so. And then teach them words. You know, just so after I'm dead, they are trying to move on, and there's a parrot in the house who's just like, amber.

[B]

Huh?

[C]

Yeah. Check his phone. Check his phone. Check his phone. He could be doing a lot of other things. Yeah, I always. When someone's, like, running for office, I'm always like, is this. This only person's option, or could they be doing other things and they're choosing this? That kind of is what makes it, like, Is this something that's, like, selfless? Is something that is, you know, narcissistic? Of course. I mean, running for offices. But, like, Spencer Pratt could be doing a lot of other things. He could be crushing it in Scientology. He could run that place if he wanted to. No. But no, he decided to. To take care of hummingbirds, befriend hummingbirds, and earn their trust. You know that hummingbirds are considered some of the strongest animals relative to their size. You know that. Okay, so it does feel like people are celebrating again. And, like, I just mean, like, people are, like, going for it. People are, like, having birthdays and getting married, and you're like, oh, that means that I need to steal the attention when I go to the. I'm not just gonna go to these things and blend into the background. But no, I also am doing the Mark Twain Awards at the Kennedy center this year, and I'm trying to figure out what I'm gonna wear. I know the Bill Maher one. So I'm, like, looking for, like, a fancy clothes, but I also need, you know, clothes that are just, like, who, me? You know what I mean? So thank you, Revolve, because Revolve has something for all of your personalities. Honestly, I feel like they made this for spies. You can get anything for any occasion. Date night, wedding. Truly everything. I might even have wigs. I'm unclear. And. And monocles with a mustache attached. All right, Revolve makes it so you can just order all of them, like, backups and. And then return it. Should you. Should you order something in one personality and receive it in a different one? All right, so I appreciate them taking the pressure off. The clothes are always great as everything that I want. Thank you, Revolve. Go to Revolve.com Whitney to shop our favorites, use code Whitney for 15% off. My cousin was just in town, Grace Cummings, I'm calling you out. And she's like, I just got the cutest dress on Revolve. And I was like, I have a promo code, you dork. So now I think she's gonna return it and then rebuy it with the promo code. If I even give it to her. You know what? I'm not gonna give it to her. And I'm gonna see if she listens to the podcast. Revolve.com promo. What? Let's see if I even know it. Revolve.com Whitney got it. For easy shipping, easy returns makes everything easier. Revolve.com Whitney, I'm talking to you, Grace. Go to our favorites. You're gonna get 15% off your first order if you go to Revolve.com Whitney offer ends June 1st. Don't miss out. Jones Road Beauty. This is makeup that. I got to be honest with you. It. It's like the best version of your face. You know, the filter on the social media filter. Paris filter. It's. It's luminous but not greasy. All right? I use the miracle balm all over my face. It's in my purse. Okay? So I heard that they just launched a new foundation stick, which I do not have, and I am irate. Where is it? Get it. I cannot wait for that, because I've been mixing the miracle bomb with a little bit of foundation. Oh, this is exciting. When I started using Jones Road Beauty, they just had the miracle bomb and a couple other things, but now they're branching. Look, they have a whole line going, okay? And it's your lucky day, cuz you get to number one. Look at me slathered in Jones Road Beauty, looking like a. Not just a snack. A luminous, iridescent snack. All right, listen very carefully. Even though you're blinded by my luminosity, for a limited time, our listeners are getting a free gift on their first purchase. When you use the code Code Good for you at checkout, just head to jonesroadbeauty.com use code good4u at checkout. Especially you, Grace Cummings, because whatever makeup you're using makes you look like Marie Antoinette and not in a good way. This is direct to my cousin, okay? Please go into my bathroom next time you visit and steal my Jones Road Beauty. All right? I like Crayola crayons as much as the next person. I just don't think they should be 2 inches outside your lip at the club. All right? Support our show. Tell them our show sent you Jones Road Beauty. So, you guys, what do you get when you combine bingo style bonuses and slots? Cashingo DraftKings Casino is the exclusive place to play Cashingo slots. And this is a really fun one because it gives you a new twist on slot play, plus a ton of flexibility. New casino players play $5 and get 1000 Flex spins. Then you can claim 50 spins a day and for 20 days on your choice of over 100 slots, including the exclusive cash Shingo collection. You get to spread those flex spins out over time and choose where you use that, which makes it feel much more fun and a lot less one note. And Cashingo is only on DraftKings casino. If you want that specific bingo style slot experience, this is where you get it. Download the DraftKings Casino app. Sign up with code good for you claim your flex, spins and experience cashingo the feature. You can't play anywhere else. The crown is yours in partnership with DraftKings. Casino gambling problem call 1-800- gambler in Connecticut. Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly. 21 plus physically present in Connecticut, Michigan, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, West Virginia only. Void in Ontario eligibility restrictions apply. Non withdrawal spins issued and as 50 spins per day for 20 days. Valid for select games only and expire each day after 24 hours. See terms casino.draftkings.com promos ends July 22nd at 11:59pm Eastern Time. They're like athletes, brute strength animals. They have exceptional power to weight ratios. You know that their wings beat 50 to 80 times per second per second. What? They can hover. They can go 500 miles across the Gulf of Mexico without sleeping or resting. Don't cl. That's what Claude said. Thank you, Claude and Alexa. Whatever. I don't know if they're still dating or what's happening. I'm just saying it shouldn't be this easy for Spencer Pratt. See, people don't get when you insult somebody and they're making the people that you think are good look bad, makes them look worse. So it's like the more if people went m He's really good at debating. But you're not saying that. You're saying he's an idiot. Then why is the idiot making the other ones look like worse idiots? Get him on his policies. Don't come for crystals. Don't come for hummingbirds. It makes you look bad when you have to go to his side hobby in order to make him look bad when you come for the crystals in the hummingbird. This makes me think he'd be a great mayor because you have to go to that.

[D]

The only debate I want to hear about crystals is if somebody thinks that they have better crystals.

[C]

If someone was like, your crystals are fake, I'd be like, why not?

[D]

Good enough.

[C]

He makes his crystals at the nail salon with acrylics.

[D]

I know your crystal guy. You've been ripped off.

[C]

Your crystal guy's a hack. He doesn't even bite down on his crystals to see. He doesn't even carbon date his crystals guy. He gets his crystals down at Costco, pulls them out of a candle at Joanne's Fabrics and pretends it's legitimate. His crystals don't even come with certificates printed at Kinkos. He doesn't even attach fake certificates like, that's the kind of crystal slander I'm here for. At least come for his crystals. With a legitimate argument. He blew them on crystals. What? The only thing that probably will appreciate in value ever again. Oh. Oh, please. Yes, I come for his crystals. I'd love to see your LA real estate portfolio, which is gonna be worth 52 hawk to a coin by 2028. Anyway, that's all I really have to say about the Spencer Pratt thing. I don't want to come in when I don't know what I'm saying. Believe it or not, I do only speak about things that I do feel like I'm, like, uniquely overqualified to talk about. And I guess right now I'm kind of pat. Like, what is up with your. What. How's your summer?

[D]

It's going great.

[C]

How's your spring? I saw something on TikTok where someone's like, can't wait for summer. I was like, is it not summer? Everyone at this thing I went to, it was like being in high school. Everyone was like, what are you going to do for the summer? I'm like, what do we. What? Don't change. Like, what are you talking about? What are you talk. What are we gonna do for the summer? Aren't the aliens coming? I don't. I'm not really prioritizing a vacation at the moment.

[D]

You guys are making plans.

[C]

You guys, I have a cat for anything. You mean I didn't. I canceled my will appointment. I. I'm not even getting a will or prenup. Like. I mean, same, same. You have to kill me to get any of my Trump coin. I don't know what to say. People like, what are you doing for the summer? I'm like, I don't. I have a kid. You don't. You understand that when you have a kid, you don't go on vacation? It's not called a vacation. It's called a trip. You go on a trip, all right? And you know my stance on this. I'm in a current boycott, and I think it's starting to. I think it's starting to work. It is me and solely me, boycotting hotels until resort fees are gone. Do you remember when I went that. That one time I went on vacation in my whole life, and I went down to San Diego and I checked in, and the room was 300, and I checked out and it was 400, and I was like, oh, what's up with the extra hundo? Because I'll. I'll go to the desk some People just like, bye. I will go to the desk. I will fight tooth and nail the mini bar. Because sometimes I take stuff out of the mini bar and put my stuff in, but they automatically will think that

[D]

you, you know, they have a digital scale.

[C]

Exactly. Reports. No, they know what I meant. That they know what I meant. Not everybody, but I'm like, like, no, I didn't have a, A mini gin.

[D]

You have to do the Indiana Jones when you.

[C]

I checked in at 4. You know, let me check until 4. And I had to get out. I just scramble out of there by 10am I didn't have time for a mini gin. Okay. But like, I check out and they're like, it's, oh, That's a resort fee. 80 resort fee. I'm like, first of all, this is a resort. Lol. Okay? You identify as a resort. Got it. Okay, what's it for? They said newspapers and WI fi.

[D]

Newspaper and WI fi seems extremely work related.

[C]

I do think though, by the way, and this is obviously because of me and me and only me, that they're starting to pass laws that you can't do resort fees. So you guys let me know when you're good. This feels like a job for rfk. I know you guys just want me to get into the nitty gritty about resort fees every episode, but we can't. I, I can't. You're going to have to look into this yourself. All right? This summer. You want to know what I'm doing this summer? I'm. This is a mall girl summer for me. All right, I get the mall now. I got it when I was 16. That's when I got it. When we would just walk around the mall for like seven hours with no money. Just kind of flirting with older men, like hoping they'd buy us beer or, you know, like that was. I got it then. It was a way to meet creeps. Okay, but creeps is really easy to meet creeps these days. Like, you don't have to go to the mall about it, right? I get the mall. Finally. No one's there anymore. It's mine. Do you know if you go to a mall, it's your mall. It's actually like unbelievable. It's. It's air cond. It's. It's when I tell you what, 48 degrees. I mean, the level of how cold they keep these malls is so unbelievable. Like, I don't know if it's just like the technician thinking it's wants he wants to see like mom nip. I don't know, but all you want, sir. I wear a shirt with a shelf bra built in. I'll wear my hair in a bunch of just for you. All right? I know the mall is all money laundering schemes and I. That's what I. This is where I shine. All right? Do you know that there's a Dubai chocolate store in the malls now? Okay, first of all, Things Remembered is a line around the block. Now that. That's the only store that really has people in it. Now that no one has memories anymore, they're going to Things Remembered and they're like, to put it in a piece of glass before I forget my kid's face, please, quick, quick. Now that all of our memories have basically just, like, been erased or like, we have no ability to retain information anymore. We're like, put it in a paperweight. There's no paper anymore. It's fine. It's a weapon now. It's a rock. I can maybe I could just hit the zombies with my dad's face in. In cloudy glass. Anything.

[D]

Can you fit my email password inside?

[C]

They're like, can you put my crypto password in this nuva ring? Like, Things Remembered slaps right now? Dude, people are wearing lockets with their own faces just to remember their own identities at this point. The mall also has a lot of sneaker stores where the sneakers are wrapped in plastic. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. But I'm. But I'm afraid if I say anything about it, it'll be racist, so. But they're rapping sneakers in Saran Wrap. There's a lot of anime stores now. I thought Sanrio, like, went away, but now it's just the whole, like, half the mall is, like, tiny frog and cat figurines. There's these new ones, though, that are like. It's like a baby. I don't want to say what kind of baby it is, because I feel like we'll get demonetized immediately.

[D]

Naked baby.

[C]

Pat, Pat. We just got recommended on the side.

[D]

They're little, little cuties.

[C]

We just got back in the algo after what Tim Dillon did on the show four years ago. Look, there's enough homicidal zombies in California as it is. Don't show me a naked baby. Not this week. These are called Sunny Angels. What? What is this, a collab with the dad from seventh heaven? Allegedly. I don't even know where to start with this, okay? Oh, yes, I do. By calling 91 1. They look like sea monkeys designed by the guy who wrote Lolita? All right, I don't care if you know the reference. You know. You know what I mean. All right? How did anyone sign off on any aspect of this whatsoever? If. The minute you order a sunny angel, what happens the second it arrives? I have an idea. The second it arrives, you should have to walk door to door and tell every one of your neighbors to tackle you. If you get within two miles of a school, you should have a sign outside your house that just says, I own Sunny Baby Dolls. What are they called? Naked dolls. That I bought with money. I didn't return it. I've had plenty of time to return it. I didn't change my mind after either. I'm doubling down. Right? Oh, you know, not only that, I lock it in a case because, yes, it's collectible, but also I need something to protect the Sunny Angels from me. I keep it in a case so I'm not tempted. This isn't for kids either. Children like animals and trains, not naked. I mean, Winnie the Pooh is, you know, look, Winnie the Pooh is grandfathered in, all right? It's. It's. You know, I'm fine with our phones being inside our brains. I've come to terms with that. But it has to be under the condition that they pre arrest the buyers of these dolls. That's will all be. If you go, why doesn't Mark Zuckerberg and all these dorks, like, we want to put like a. A thing in your brain that knows your thoughts. We're like, ah, so we can find the people that buy naked baby dolls. We'd be like, say no more. I will be your guinea pig. What happened with collecting guinea pigs? Why are we collecting naked dolls? All right, the smell of a naked baby doll is worse than the smell of a guinea pig. I'm gonna say it right now, all right? And this is someone who had Covid 46 times. I can barely smell anything. Except that. I'm not doing haunted. We're done with haunted things at some point. It used to be like everything outside us was haunted, but now that everything inside us is haunted, we need to stop. Haunted is canceled. We're not. We're not doing haunted under the guise of quirky, but it's like Japanese culture. What happened to Chucky? That was working. I liked a scary child. No one was going to. No creep was going to. Child predators had to work so much harder to be attracted to that doll. Can we make anything that looks like a kid horrifying?

[D]

At least give him a knife.

[C]

Just so did you know that there is an online cannabis company that ships federally compliant hemp derived THC right to your door? I am talking about mood.com a lot of people do not realize that products like thc, gummies, edibles, pre rolls, flour and much more, they're still legal to buy online. And Mood makes it incredibly easy. Everything ships discreetly straight to your door. And they work with small pesticide free family run farms right here in the us. What I like about Mood is it for different vibes, different moments. They have options to help you sleep, help you focus, help you feel happy, you fork, even products for intimacy. One of the standouts is their Sleepy time advanced gummies Game changer and beyond gummies. They also have flour, pre rolls, bakery treats and beverages. The whole point is that you are not just picking something randomly. You can actually shop based on how you want to feel. And everything is backed by 100 day satisfaction guarantees, which I love. Head to mood.com mood.com use promo code Whitney at checkout. You're gonna get 20 off your first order. That's 20 off your first purchase for first [e-mail] with code Whitney. Make sure that you use our specific promo code because that is how they track the show. Ruggable. I just got a ruggable rug and I am so excited, you know that I am a garbage raccoon lady and I have dogs in my house. Puking dogs, sick dogs, babies, toddlers. Just, you name it, I got it. If it oozes, if it hoops, if it pukes, it's in my home. I'm obsessed with ruggable because it's actually built for real life. They have the most gorgeous rugs. So cute. But also you can wash them. They can survive pets and just chaos. Their new all in one rug is machine washable, stain resistant. Why isn't, why haven't rugs always been like this? It's actually such a scam. Non slip. They have the non slip thing already on the bottom. Clean, durable, actually made to last. So it's not one of those things you're constantly worried about ruining. They're the cutest. Rug is the best. Refresh your [e-mail] I got the most gorgeous one. Get 10% off your first order sitewide with promo code whitney ruggable.com 10% off. R u g g a b l e.com use the code whitney at checkout. Yes, the baby dolls that need knives are the naked ones. Chucky had like overalls. Like there were so many obstacles. The Kiosks at the mall are my new obsession because they're so ephemeral. Like, every business knows that they have about, like, three months, so they don't even bother with, like, a store. They're like, we're like, like kiosk. It's like a girl that knows she's a side chick. Like, I'm not a wife. Like, I'm the side chick. And I know that about myself, okay? I know that about myself. There's certain businesses that know I'm a kiosk at best. We need to address the Dubai chocolate. We have to. This whole thing where we're trying to make Dubai chocolate happen. I'm having flashbacks to when they tried to make acai berry happen. I'm not taking on more foods. More food combos. All right, I. I got my stuff. You know, I'm like, not taking on new music. I'm not taking on new food combos. Imagine someone being like peanut butter and jelly. I got. I got you out. I got the new one, Pistachio, which we're not doing a combination new. I'm not taking out a new combination. That's all I'm saying. Okay? That does not imagine. Imagine what a willy nilly person you are. We're at war. We're not gonna. We don't know if we're gonna get hit by a meteor tomorrow. And you're like, oh, new treat. Nutrient. Oh, pistachio. Dribbled on. Strawberry. We're at war, you guys. You don't get to. What are you selling? What's everyone celebrating? What makes you deserve. What do you deserve? A treat. You know that. First of all, the thing that makes me the most annoyed about Dubai Chocolate is, you know, they don't eat it over there. You know, they don't sell it over there. So my gardeners, one time, they're my only family, and we. They. Do they request getting paid, like today? Yes, they do. But they love me, and we have a genuine connection as long as that wire clears. And one time I, like, every Sunday I'll, like, order, like, smoothies or something. And one time I. I wasn't like. Because they're. I ordered tacos, you know, the Trejo's tacos. And they're like, these are not tacos. It's like, tacos, like, these are not tacos. Tacos don't come with French fries, you idiot. So a lot. All the stuff we eat from other countries is unrecognizable to the other country. Okay? So Dubai Chocolate. I just want you to Know, some guy in Cleveland came up with that. All right, The T shirt kiosks are ubiquitous at malls. Half the kiosks are a shirt that you can put your face on. Not Dolly Parton, not Biggie Smalls. They. They're not big enough celebrities. We don't want shirts with legend. That I want me. Me on my shirt. Okay? Everyone. Everyone is making merch. Everyone is out at the. The mall at this point is just a store you go to to build your brand. You get your shirt with your face on it, your bracelet with your name, you things that the frame with your slogan. Okay? They have photo studios, they have con where you can go do content shoots. Okay? You go get the Dubai chocolate so you can tag it to get a paid partnership with the Middle East. Do they feel like the Middle east is kind of slowly infiltrating in benign ways? Do you? 8% of all eateries in America are Chinese. Chinese food. Mm. I should say Chinese food. Is that weird how saying they're Chinese, that is. Like, that made me get panicked. That made me. I panicked. I just watched my whole career flash, flash in front of my eyes. 8% of all eateries are Chinese food in America. That's how they do it, man. They get us hooked on their incredible, delicious food. It's so intimate. They. You know what? It's like. They go, like, I'm gonna get inside of you. It's so. So. And then they get us addicted. Okay, I can't. I'm not getting addicted to Dubai Chocolate. You know how weird it would be if on any given day I was like, it's 4pm time for my Turkish delight. Where are my Turkish delights? Like, why. Why Dubai? Now I'm just obsessed with the publicist for treats. And why didn't Dubai Turkish Delights make it? I. Can we just stick to peanut M M's for a while? It's hard to be patriotic right now. I'm really very hard. So I'm just trying to stick to what is made in Hershey, Pennsylvania. I want some married in America diabetes, please. All right, I know. I digress. How is that not the name of this podcast? I do believe, though, going to the mall is kind of a nice, soothing capitalist. It's like, you know, when you go to a haunted house, but you're, like, laughing. It's like, fun. It's like. It's like predictable horror. Or, like, you know, you're gonna be terrified. My. My social media feeds are not that more unpredictable. I feel like rage bait. My whole thing is Rage. I feel like my whole feed right now is rage bait tips on how to deal with a narcissist. New oceans being discovered every five minutes. I'm good. Or my main new thing in my feed is like, I'm calling it diagnosis porn. Every time I go on my phone, it's like I have a new diagnosis. I'm not that I wasn't planning on taking on. If I'm going to get a diagnosis, I'm going to drive to the office, go play with the sand zen garden out front and pay a pay someone to tell me what I have. I'm not going to get ambushed while I'm texting and driving. Okay, Like, I just saw a video that told me I've been showering my entire life. Incorrectly. Neurodivergent people apparently shower backwards and that the way that I shower is a mark of me being neurodivergent. First of all, I know I'm neurodivergent, okay? But that's not what we called it. What do we used to call it? Weird. A weirdo? Annoying. What? A spook fest? A goth chick. I know. A goober. We used to call it a goober. Why are you being such a goober? Turn around. In the shower. You're doing the shower wrong, you goober. Now we have to make it some clinical. I know, okay? I was sat down by a fake psychiatrist when I was a kid and told that I had all the things right. I don't need more evidence. I know I'm on the spectrum. The 13 horse lamps tell me every morning. We're all full here over at the Whitney. Seems clinically different. House. All right, I know. All right? I know. I was told very early I couldn't read faces. No one can read faces in la. Even if you could, no one has wrinkles. Even if I could, I can't. I can't. I've atrophied the ability to read any faces. I haven't seen a wrinkle in 18 years. All right, I know when you talked really loud. Okay. All right, well, everyone's got little robot wieners in their ears listening to David Goggins on how to stay hard when I'm trying to talk to him. People leave their headphones in their ears when you talk to them. Now I have to yell. So what? I don't make eye contact. Okay? Yeah, I don't flirt with my family members. Sorry, sorry. I'm not just gonna fall in love with everyone at the dog park. Who has time for this?

[D]

You wanna make Eye contact. You put your face on the. On your shirt.

[C]

Hey, you wanna eye contact? Go on. Only fans. Pretty sure that's what Angela White does now. I'm not using. Eye contact is free. You want my emotional labor? No, thanks. You're not going to tell me I'm showering wrong? Okay, first of all, I'm the only white person who washes my legs. Truly, I have not met one other person of the white ancestry who washes their legs and doesn't just let the soap drip down from their head. I scrub. I have gloves and I put lotion on after I shower. I'm doing it. Right. Right. Facing the shower head. They say that facing the shower head is the way to do it. I. No, I saw the movie Psycho. She would. If she had just been facing the other way, like an adult, okay? She would have survived. I shower as under the assumption that there is always a grown man pretending to be his mom, waiting to kill me. Always waiting in the wings, hovering. Guys. Guys do shower facing the showerhead, but they also play games that require helmets and full body pads. They're not known for their impeccable choices. Okay. They have to wear bulletproof hats for their hobbies that don't pay them. So guys do. Guys do it. I think it's because guys. You guys, like, you do it so that you can. Because guys. Guys have to, like, wash you. Just like, it's like the only time you can cry in secret. Like, you, like, just. It's like you go. So it's like, no, this is. These are. This is water. It's not tears. It's a. Hide, hide. Sobbing is all. And then for spitting, I feel like guys always spit in the shower. I'm like, you got. You got them. It's a like, what is this? This is for. We tell. What. What is it for? Take that. Take that shower. And guys face the shower also so they can turn it onto freezing cold, you know, and yell into the freezing water, like, don't cheat. Don't cheat. Don't cheat. You cannot afford this house alone. Don't cheat. Can we just go back to calling people crazy? I kind of missed that. I did. I did, like, four standup specials about how women get called crazy and how annoying it is. But you guys got so specific that now I miss the sloppy insults about how when we don't behave exactly how you want us to behave, that we need to be in a mental facility. We talk too much. If we talk too much, but don't sleep with you at the end of Our talking. We're manic and crazy, right? If we text you guys twice and be like, hey, you said you were picking me up. I'm waiting here. Are you close? We're obsessed stalkers. We're stalking you if we don't only pay attention to you and listen to your story about how if it wasn't for your shoulder injury, you'd be playing for the Ravens. If I'm not locked in, I have add. Like, why do you need me to have a mental illness so bad? Like, maybe your mental illness is that you're not a doctor, but you think you are one. No. Like, what's crazier than that? Like, I may multitask and text when I drive every now and then, but at least I know what I do for a living. Just, we don't have to diagnose. Everyone just said, not everything can be evidence for neurodivergence. I get it, okay? We have to be sensitive to the real. The real. Like, it's like, what I say. Like, anxiety. Like, some people really have anxiety. They can't get out of bed. Fine, but can it stop being the job of the scientific community to constantly push us inside? Kids further and further into the corner of Dorkland. Just let us hang out with our crows. Mine are finally leaving me tools. I don't need you to understand my behavior. My deer are two weeks away from eating out of my hand. I'm good. All right? Leave us alone. If you really think that it's some kind of handicap, then why would you put it all over social media and make me feel like I'm even more crazy? All right, I'll find out. You know what? I don't need your help on the diagnosis. I will find out if I'm doing something wrong on my own time. When my garden gnomes tell me they know me better than anyone, and they know how to say it in a way where I won't get defensive. This is how bad healthcare is in our country. We're all trying to diagnose ourselves via TikTok. You know, it's like. It's like when people, like, you know, if you don't. If you don't yawn when someone else yawns, you're a psychopath. It's like, oh, thanks. Oh, God. Okay, if you shower this way, you're neurodivergent. Like, oh, great, that just saved me 40 grand. People now just scroll, hoping to see what their problem is so that they don't have to go to a professional. They're like, wait, wait. I do start a task and I don't finish it. Maybe I have add. Maybe. Maybe. Or maybe it's like horoscopes. If you go to a horoscope and you cover up the sign, it's gonna work for you. They all work, right? The problem is that all these diagnoses work for anyone. It's like a video on social media that's like, do you have ADD? Well, I'm on TikTok at 2 in the morning. All these apps were designed to make sure I can never live in the present moment again. So, yeah, I'm pretty sure I do. Yes, you know I do. Cause you made it. You did this to me also. Yes and no. I don't have. How about this hot take? I don't have add. I'm busy and you're boring. I don't know what to tell you. Stop bombing. I have add. When I'm with someone who talks about jet lag. Yeah. Yes. Yes. If someone is telling me about how they got new allergies as an adult, I have add. It turns out when someone sends me a video, however, of someone giving birth around with dolphins, I am locked in. Dude. A video of Alex and Alex, like, dissecting their body language to figure out what percent unwell took of the podcast solely by her. The way she's moving her hands. I'm all in. Dude, do I have add? I don't know. Are you going to talk to me about Dropbox? You tell me if I'm about to have addicted. Okay. Do I have add? Are you gonna send me a Google Doc? I might have add. This is a direct attack on Pat. I know. Yes, I am riddled with add. Correct. Okay, but do I have add? Are you gonna ask me the difference between ravens and crows then? No, I don't. No, I don't. My eyes will shrivel into raisins because I won't blink for days, dog. Okay, sure. All these diagnosis. Yes, fine, they're real. Of course they're real. But, you know, I don't know. I. You realize, like, if I truly had all these things, like, I wouldn't even get through the first sentence of your video. That's the other thing. Yes, I have it because I'm on this thing, but I've never finished a video about add. Like, I don't have. I don't. Like, I never get to the end of the video. Like, what kind of. Anyone that finishes the ADD video doesn't have add. Anyone that finishes the OCD video never saw the video in the first place because they were digging up the same hibiscus plant for the eighth time because every time they replaced it, there was too much dirt that came up and it got the gravel dirty. And what's the point of a pretty plant if it's surrounded by dirty rocks? So now she needs to hurry up and finish this podcast because, like, she's currently soaking her rocks. Went and got dials palm olive. Because that's the only thing that takes the dirt off rocks, it turns out, because just need to see if this new spot for the hibiscus is going to heal the childhood wounds that mushrooms passed on addressing clam medicine treated me the way NASA treated. Treated the ocean. After a couple of years of trying, they were like, die. I'm not going. We're not going in there anymore. We've assessed the situation, and there's simply not enough visibility. Too many things we've never seen before. Lots of people are neurodivergent or OCD or add. It's a survival advantage at this point. If you can get through two minutes of small talk, you will not survive any of what's on the horizon. If someone asks you about traffic and you answer, you are what Darwin was talk. You're the. You're like the short giraffe having crippling. ADD is the only way you're going to survive the alien invasion. Okay? When the aliens come, you can't just freeze and stare at them. ADD people. Real ADD people. They will see the giant spaceship float down. Awful. Come translucent, glowing aliens made of. Made of supercomputers and unicorn piss or whatever. It will be the scariest, most beautiful thing you have ever seen. Beams of light will come out of their eyes and USURP people at 800 miles an hour. Most people will not even be able to utter a sound or even blink. They will be so transfixed. But me, oh, ADD head. I'm gonna be like, hold on. Did we. Did I ever return that black extension cord? Because I was. I want to do just white extension cords everywhere so that it's all, like, kind of the same. And I had that labeling system where I was going to write which room each extension cord belongs in so people can't just, like, pick them up and move them. Hold on. I just need them kind of to all match. Hold on. Let me go check. I think it's the back of my car labeled in the box that says new extension cords and the other one I'm going to donate. But I keep forgetting, like, I keep not knowing where to donate them. So I'm gonna live the ale. I'm gonna remove myself from the situation. Okay? I'm gonna get bored so fast when the aliens come that it's gonna save my life. I'm immune to the freeze response because I need to close one of the windows in my head. Involving a new labeling system and because stickers don't stick to baskets. See why men. And so I'm not for segregation, but the things men invented and the things women invented shouldn't be in the same stores because you guys don't. They don't work at. You guys make baskets that. You make stickers that don't stick to storage organization baskets. Okay? Why do I have to cut a piece of twine and make a tag myself? Like, I'm an Amish. Like a gooseberry pie person. Can I just be weird? Can you just let me be weird? One half of the Internet is like, be yourself. Everyone else is taken. Love yourself. You're perfectly imperfect. And the other half is like, if you don't brush your teeth, hanging upside down like a bat, you're mentally ill and should be put away. It's like, can we all just stop? Like, it. Things have gone so bad in America and so weird that. That the. The king of England came and told us to pull it together, you guys. The king of England is mad at us. And it's. It's. I can't. It is like a feeling of when you're like, history teacher who just told you Columbus discovered America, like, is mad at you. It's like, okay, all right, Harry Potter. Okay. You just made my parents pay you to lie to me. Like, I don't know. I don't. You know, there are those teachers you just didn't respect for whatever reason. It's like, you knew, like, dude. Like, you know, when you, like, knew a teacher was, like, going through a divorce, like, that's the only way King Charles came, spoke to Congress. And I. It was a. It was kind of scolding. He tried to. He tried to guilt trip a bunch of elected representatives who, frankly, would struggle to even find the United Kingdom on a map. Like, joke's on you, homie. We don't. We can't find ya. We don't. British accents are just, like. They sound so smart and sophisticated, but in America, it's just kind of like they were all just, like, making gay jokes. They were gay? Yes. He's, like, warning us about nuclear war. Okay? So the king came over, and he said, and I quote, I'm not gonna Paraphrase the king. He said, our defense intelligence and security ties are hardwired together through relationships measured not in years, but in decades. Dude, none of us can remember what happened two months ago, so. But okay, also, this, I feel like, is him going like, we're cool, right? Like, you guys, we're family, right? You got our back, right? Us? You know, remember us? The people your ancestors got on a black mold boat for eight months with a 20% survival rate to escape. Remember us? Like, dude, here's what England needs to understand. We are Britney. You're Britney's dad. And right now we're kind of throwing knives around on social media with unbrushed hair. I know, I get it. But we're Britney, dude. We're Brittany. You can't. There's nothing you can do. Right? I get why the UK is a little worried. I get it. I feel like the way they. They see it is that they're like the mom in the Basketball Diaries and we are Leonardo DiCaprio. No, that's not the dynamic anymore. Okay? We got it. All right, here's the other thing. As I have talked about this, like, I will trash America all day. I will trash our government all day. As soon as someone else does it, I'm like, hey, we can say it. You can't say it. Okay? We have the First Amendment. You don't. Okay, how about you march back to your castles and start dismantling Prince Andrew's teddy bear pyramid? Did everyone just decide to forget about the Teddy bear pyramid? Okay, just because you took his title away for going to Epstein island five billion times, Allegedly. The picture of his teddy bear pyramid on his bed, now you owe me reparations to dislodge that from my hippocampus. Okay, we're not. What is it with the United Kingdom in general and teddy bears? Paddington Bear. Wasn't that from there? Can we all just cut it out? I guess that's better than the naked babies. Okay, fine. I'm fine with teddy bears. I'm fine. We just. I just. We gotta watch. We gotta watch the adults with dolls and animals. All right, I'm starting to come around to the Disney adult thing. I'm starting to get it. I'm starting to get it. But we're not doing. Where are those bears? All right, So I gotta stop talking about England. I do this way too much. I'm not gonna get into his jam. And the fact that you can't even win a fight with Meghan Markle, I mean, it's just like, it's because she. She now has a jelly business and, you know, so that she doesn't have to pay property tax in California. Like, she. She kind of mic dropped with that Evermore jam. Okay, so Trump, as a thank you, took tariffs off a Scottish whiskey. See, you got it. You got to hand it to Trump when it comes to gag gifts. And, like, he's. He's the funniest. As a parting gift to England, he took a tariff off a Scottish whiskey. This is like. This is like when a toxic ex boyfriend is like, I'll always love you. And you're like, wait, but we're not. But we're done. But hold on. Like, it's such a. Like a. It's like when you've been with a guy for five years and he gives you, like, a jewelry box, and you're like, oh, my God, this is it. And you open it, it's like an anklet, and you're like, what? Like, he. Why not in England. Do England. Does England not have whiskeys? I'm so confused. Trump also said that he's the greatest king, which is so funny. Like, that's such a funny thing to say. Like, you're the greatest person to ever be born into power. You are by far the best lucky person. You are my favorite Nepo baby of all the Nepo babies. Like, I. Oh, why do I have to call this guy king? I don't. I only call short men king so they won't kill me or start wars. We use king to placate short men. You know? Like, I'm not calling this guy King. Like, I'm not. I do. It's like, king, you're a king. If someone just called Napoleon, like, king, maybe we wouldn't be in this jam. What's up, King? Like, don't, please. I do, though, feel like short guys are starting to go extinct. They're trying to figure it out. The leg extension surgery is. Seems to be taking. I mean, they all look like Woody from Toy Story when they come back from Turkey or whatever. But a lot of short men are moving to the south because they can wear heel. I mean, cowboy boots are heels for men, and you'll never change my mind. And you know I'm right. All right, well, I've been rambling a lot, so you know what to do. Get solar generators and solar phone chargers. Thank me later. Don't ride elephants.

[B]

And, Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with. With Liberty Mutual, even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

[C]

Hey, everyone. Check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date? Oh, no.

[B]

We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together.

[C]

We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird. Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

[B]

Anyways, get a [e-mail] or with your local agent.

[C]

Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty.