Nick Swardson talks Robots, Edibles & Happy Gilmore 2 | Good For You Podcast | EP 261

Summary

Good For You Podcast Episode 261: Nick Swardson Talks Robots, Edibles & Happy Gilmore 2

Host: Whitney Cummings
Guest: Nick Swardson
Release Date: October 26, 2024
Duration: Approximately 80 minutes

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1. Introduction and Tour Adventures

Whitney Cummings kicks off the episode by sharing updates about her ongoing "big baby tour," highlighting sold-out shows in cities like Chicago, New York, San Diego, and upcoming stops in Colorado and Salt Lake City. She humorously hints at the necessity of laughter amidst global tensions, jesting about the potential onset of World War III. Whitney deviates from her usual structured format to host Nick Swardson, praising him as "the funniest person alive."

Notable Quote:
Whitney (00:00): "Nick Swardson was in town and he's the funniest person on the planet. So we had to make an exception."

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2. Navigating Life Outside the Spotlight

The conversation begins with Nick recounting his journey to the podcast location, humorously describing his navigation mishaps and interactions with peculiar locals.

Notable Quote:
Nick (01:36): "People didn't have to eat snakes. They didn't have to hunt. You have to hunt your food. People like, do you have a Whole Foods? You're like, no, I have whole pieces of food that I've killed."

Whitney shares her struggles with living in Los Angeles, portraying the city as a haven for zombies and influencers, making it difficult for her to envision relocating.

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3. Comedy, Addiction, and Personal Growth

Delving deeper, Whitney and Nick discuss personal challenges, including addiction. Whitney opens up about her journey, revealing how her therapist advised her to stop consuming news to combat her addiction to it. She further explores the dark side of materialistic addictions, likening it to hoarding.

Notable Quote:
Whitney (06:22): "I was on Etsy, like buying constantly. I was like, oh, I bought these new pants. But now I need a shirt to go with the pants."

Nick shares his approach to managing addictions by redirecting them towards positive habits, such as indulging in vitamins and supplements during his current two-month cleanse.

Notable Quote:
Nick (07:58): "I'm addicted to vitamins and supplements. Like, good, like healthy, positive addiction."

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4. Handling Fan Interactions and the Challenges of Fame

The duo navigates the complexities of fame and fan interactions. Whitney recounts incidents where fans' inappropriate behavior disrupted her shows, emphasizing the thin line comedians walk between engaging the audience and maintaining control.

Notable Quote:
Whitney (26:09): "But security was never going to find them if I didn't say, come up here."

Nick echoes similar sentiments, detailing an experience where a heckler almost derailed his performance, highlighting the unique challenges comedians face in live settings.

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5. The Evolution of Stand-Up Comedy and Personal Strategies

Whitney and Nick reflect on the changing landscape of stand-up comedy. They discuss the pressures of consistently delivering fresh material and the pitfalls of overexposure in the digital age. Nick shares anecdotes about struggling with set lists while under the influence, underscoring the importance of mental preparedness on stage.

Notable Quote:
Nick (59:10): "There's something about fame where people just short circuit and they get like. Dan Levy, friend of mine, one time he was hanging. I was with Blake Griffin for something."

Whitney suggests the idea of revisiting and roasting her early specials as a form of self-reflection and growth, a concept Nick enthusiastically supports by expressing his desire to "roast my life."

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6. Nostalgia and Reflections on the Comedy Scene

The conversation takes a nostalgic turn as Whitney and Nick reminisce about the golden days of comedy. They fondly recall legendary comedians like Brody Stevens and share stories of memorable performances and disastrous auditions.

Notable Quote:
Nick (77:24): "Brody was the best. And if he wasn't bombing, he would, like, make sure he was."

Whitney describes Brody's unique approach to comedy shows, where he intentionally bombed to elicit genuine reactions, showcasing the diverse styles within the comedy community.

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7. Relationships and Balancing Personal Life with Comedy

Whitney discusses the intersection of her personal life and career, particularly her relationship with her boyfriend, a professional skateboarder. They explore the similarities between the two professions, emphasizing the shared experiences of touring, continuous improvement, and resilience.

Notable Quote:
Whitney (72:38): "You're touring with a bunch of people. You're not making any money. In the beginning, we literally both started in parking lots."

Nick concurs, highlighting the parallels between stand-up comedy and extreme sports, such as the constant need to refine one's craft and the unpredictability of success.

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8. Comedy Specials and Creative Processes

The hosts delve into the intricacies of creating comedy specials, discussing the importance of freshness and innovation. Nick shares his creative struggles, including long-held bits about mundane topics like pubic hair, which he believes have untapped comedic potential.

Notable Quote:
Nick (75:54): "I'm like, I got to trim my pubic hair. I go, I realized there was somebody that didn't do that. They didn't trim their pubic hair. It was Chewbacca from Star Wars."

Whitney reflects on her own creative process, contemplating revisiting old jokes and refining them for modern audiences, while also lamenting the disappearance of older Comedy Central specials.

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9. Touring Anecdotes and Stage Experiences

Wrapping up the conversation, Whitney and Nick share hilarious and sometimes harrowing accounts of their touring experiences. From Whitney passing out on stage in Colorado due to altitude and substance use to Nick's encounters with thrown edibles and intoxicated audiences, they highlight the unpredictable nature of live performances.

Notable Quote:
Whitney (62:37): "I passed out on stage in Colorado, on nothing before. The altitude is bonkers."

Nick adds his own tales of performing while under the influence, stressing the fine balance comedians must maintain to deliver quality performances consistently.

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Conclusion

Episode 261 of the "Good For You" podcast offers an unfiltered glimpse into the lives of comedians Whitney Cummings and Nick Swardson. From personal struggles and growth to the evolving dynamics of stand-up comedy and the challenges of fame, the conversation is both insightful and entertaining. Their candid discussions, peppered with humor and relatable anecdotes, provide listeners with a comprehensive understanding of the comedic journey.

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Disclaimer: This summary excludes sponsored segments and focuses solely on the core content of the podcast episode.

Transcript

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, shalom, everybody. I am on the big baby tour. We just did Chicago theater, New York. We've been killing it. It's been so fun. I'm coming to Colorado soon. I am coming to Salt Lake City. We added a show. San Diego. Sold out. I think Anaheim. We have some tickets left. Florida, Orlando, Jacksonville maybe, too. We're gonna add some cities next year, but, you know, look, we might not have a country next year, so come out and laugh while you can before World War three breaks out. So I know I've been doing this format where we're doing topics and we're doing mistakes, but Nick Schwartzman was in town and he's the funniest person on the planet. So we had to make a. An exception or a exception. Why am I getting dumber as I get older? Is that, like, normal? I had to make an exception for Nick. He's on tour right now, and he is the funniest person alive. So I thought, why not go back to the old format for just one episode and then next week we'll get back to our rants and me getting in trouble for saying that it's weird that Tim Walls went to China. I mean, I had to take it. I am actually pats on FaceTime. I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I'm gonna keep your laugh track on here. So to keep some levity. I mean, I'm not against Tim Walls. It's so fun. People get mad at me. Cause they're like, you're a libtard. And then I'm like, it's weird that Tim Walsh went to China 30 times. Everyone's like, you're a conspiracy theorist. You've been red pilled. I'm like, dude, I take every color pill. Let's just calm down. Anyway, please enjoy the great Nick Swartz. Nick Swartz in town. And there's no one I would rather monetize my friendship with than the great.

[Nick Swardson]

Nick Swartz in thank you so much. And yeah, I'm in town. Not this town where Whitney lives, which is out in the middle. I mean, I know it's like, redundant. So many people have talked about it. I'm not joking. Took an Uber here. The navigation shut down and it exploded. And it was like, help me. We just had to follow vultures. I asked like a scarecrow for directions.

[Whitney Cummings]

It was like, dumb, but where else am I going to live? You want me to live in town with the influencer?

[Nick Swardson]

The answer is yes. Live in a town. That's why towns were formed. So People didn't have to eat snakes. They didn't have to hunt. You have to hunt your food. People like, do you have a Whole Foods? You're like, no, I have whole pieces of food that I've killed. What the.

[Whitney Cummings]

I. I'm not. Here's the thing. When I drive into town, it's just like zombies wielding machetes and comedians that live this doing IG lives in the middle of 405. I'm not living in town, in LA.

[Nick Swardson]

I saw a skeleton when I was driving over here. We were driving and it was, it was your mailman. It died delivering the mail. That's how butt nor we are.

[Whitney Cummings]

How creepy would it be though if I like lived in Hollywood? Like, like in one of like Diddy's tunnels. Like down in one of Diddy's have lived here forever.

[Nick Swardson]

What is this weird, weird take on it now? Zombies and machetes.

[Whitney Cummings]

I just, I'm not. I don't think I have not.

[Nick Swardson]

Oh my God. This is urine from a coyote. That's where we live. That's where Sheing lives. This is coyote urine. Oh my God.

[Whitney Cummings]

Wait, that's for my skin. Hold on. Give me that. But like, I don't. I, I want to leave California, but I'm going to. I'm going to stay.

[Nick Swardson]

No, you're going to leave and your robot's going to stay.

[Whitney Cummings]

Where are we? Where are we living? Like, what's the plan? Should we just get a commune?

[Nick Swardson]

I debated leaving also just because, I don't know, just to switch it up. So I've been in California for 25 years, by the way. I love California. It gets shit on all the time. Always defending it.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm not. I just can't afford the property tax.

[Nick Swardson]

No, that's insane.

[Whitney Cummings]

Is insane.

[Nick Swardson]

I mean, I looked at condo in Austin before the, the tsunami, the comedy tsunami. Right. And then Tampa I looked at. And then. God, where else did I look at? I looked at other places.

[Whitney Cummings]

Right, right.

[Nick Swardson]

But like I'm on tour right now. Nick swartzen.net come check it out. Super fun tour. Yeah, it's not political. I'm not going to hammer you with nice. Inundate anything down your throat. It's just super fun.

[Whitney Cummings]

Anyway, by the way.net how do we.

[Nick Swardson]

Get Nick swartzen.com it's.net.com I lost it. And then I just was, I was like, whatever. I thought it was kind of cool. And then I thought it'd be funny to get like.gov. you can't. I guess you can't do that. But I thought you're definitely education room. But it was funny because, like, the last leg of my tour, I did Boise. Billings, Montana. Missoula. Yeah. And it was great, man. It was super fun. Those are places where I was like, oh, I could live here.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. Every city I go to now, I'm like, why don't we live here? I was just in Kansas City and I was like doing the Zillow of like, how much everything costs. And it was like a five bedroom house. I was just like, this is my mortgage. Like, I could buy this house for what I pay with my mortgage in Los Angeles. Like, why do I hate myself?

[Nick Swardson]

Right.

[Whitney Cummings]

Why wouldn't I just live here?

[Nick Swardson]

Right. It's good enough for Taylor Swift, it's.

[Whitney Cummings]

Good enough for me. He's not going to talk about politics on his tour, but we'll do it now. So who are you gonna vote for, Train wreck?

[Nick Swardson]

I mean, I just. I don't know, I just. I lived in Key west during COVID so for a year and a half. And I just always think back to where I'm like, why did I leave? Because it was such. If you haven't been to Key West, Florida, I swear to God, treat yourself. It's so bonkers, insane of just nobody. I'll never forget this. And I don't know if I've talked to you about it, but I'm sure I did. But I like got rid of all my stuff. I used to have a Rolex. I used to have a diamond chain. I had like a ton of clothes that I never wore. And I remember I came back from Key west briefly to just take care of some stuff with my place. And I was like, why do I.

[Whitney Cummings]

Have all this nonsense?

[Nick Swardson]

And it was like. And then I filled my brain with, like, so much stuff. I would wake up and I would go on Twitter and I would do all this stuff. And when I was in Key West, I just woke up every day, would go to the beach, would just hang out. I would work free T shirts that like, bars or restaurants gave me. Yeah, I wore flip flops. I. I sold all my crabs. I was like, I don't need it. And it was so refreshing. Nobody was on social media.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

I went off the grid.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

And it was great. I mean, I ended up getting diabetes, but you know when you get hammered every day and key lime pie is now a meal every meal, like, it turns out that's not great for you. But anyway, I'm dealing with that. But my point being is it was so refreshing to just be off the grid and like, not talk about just. Oh God. It's also like, not that it's bad to like talk about it and be involved in the world. I get it. But some people, it's like, I just don't. I just.

[Whitney Cummings]

My, I went to a therapist. Like, my therapist is like an addiction, like childhood trauma and addiction specialist. And I was like, what do I need to do? Like, how do I stop? Do I need to go on Proac? Do I need to go on antidepressant? She's like, no, you need to stop reading the news. I'm prescribing that you stop reading the news.

[Nick Swardson]

Right.

[Whitney Cummings]

You can't affect it. You're not going to fix it. You don't, like, no offense, but you don't know anything about anything. Like, you're just driving yourself crazy. And I was like, I was. The news was my addiction. And then as someone that identifies in an, as an addict, I didn't even realize like stuff was an addiction too. I was like on Etsy, like buying constantly. I was like, oh, I bought these new pants. But now I need to. A shirt to go with the pants. But now I need shoes. Like, once you start getting the addiction of stuff, dude, that is one of the darkest ones. People talk about drugs, alcohol, heroin, dude, stuff is so dark. I was like, I'm just a hoarder. And now I put it on shelves to make it look like, well also like food.

[Nick Swardson]

You know what I mean? I mean, there's so many addictions that people, you know, obviously, like, I'm a big drink. I don't drink nearly as much as I used to. And what I did was like, I just got addicted to being like super. Like I'm on a two month cleanse right now.

[Whitney Cummings]

Sick.

[Nick Swardson]

And I'm like addicted to like, like vitamins and supplements. Like, good, like healthy, positive addiction. Yeah, like drinking tea and doing all this stuff and it's great. And you know, my shows are really fun and awesome and I mean, they're always fun, but you know what I mean? It's just if you transfer your addiction to something that's not toxic. But you know, like you said, like absorbing all the insanity in the world when you put it on yourself, you're like, okay, well this is happening here and this is happening here. Like, yeah, you can't. I mean, at the end of the day, like, you know, you have the power to vote, you've got that type of stuff, but you can't lose your mind just Going like, what the. Somebody. Somebody got mobbed in Iowa. Are we gonna do anything? It's like, you know what I mean? Like, you can only absorb so much.

[Whitney Cummings]

By the way, it's also the same people that do that are like, well, you can't trust the news. It's like, well, you're the one that is going crazy over a piece of news that may or may not be true. Like, half the. Probably not even true. I mean, it's like, I am so obsessed with the idea that, like, growing up, like, I learned in school that the Native Americans and the Pilgrims had, like, a fun dinner on Thanksgiving. Like, they hung it. Like, they put. They put on their boots and they. And now it's like they raped each other. They killed each other small. So, like, what are we arguing about now? That in 20 years. Yeah, that wasn't even true. And you, like, wouldn't talk to your aunt for.

[Nick Swardson]

Right. And then it went from there to, like, Diddy's house.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

Like, it hasn't changed. It's, like, so weird.

[Whitney Cummings]

What. You know what sucks? No comedians get invited to stuff like that. Like, they don't involve us. Everyone's like, have you been to a ditty party? I'm like, they don't invite us because we're snitches, dude.

[Nick Swardson]

No, I don't know anything of that.

[Whitney Cummings]

I've never been invited to anything cool. Like, Scientology rejected me. I tried to be a. In Scientology, like, 20 years ago.

[Nick Swardson]

They were like, you look too much like an alien. They're like, you're actually out aliening us. This is. And you're like, oh, yeah, talk to my robot. Say it to my robot's face.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'll start my own cult in Topanga.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, I'm gonna go out and build a pod spaceship, podcast ship.

[Whitney Cummings]

So it's like, I. They don't ask us. Like, that's like, the number one question keep getting is like, did you go to a ditty party? I'm like, yeah, they came to the Comedy Store. We're like, hey. To a bunch of comedians that. That cannot shut their mouth with Tourette's that are just, like, chock full of autism. Want to come to a secret party?

[Nick Swardson]

Totally.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, they don't invite us to.

[Nick Swardson]

Don't talk about the secret party.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm just.

[Nick Swardson]

I don't go to a party anyway.

[Whitney Cummings]

I know. Like, what are you talking.

[Nick Swardson]

It was just my birthday, and my people were like, what is. What are you doing? I'm like, I'm 48. Like, what? I don't Know, I still have friends.

[Whitney Cummings]

Are like, it's my birthday week.

[Nick Swardson]

I'm like, you're 45 or birthday month. I have friends. I'm like, dude, seriously. No, I just can't.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's. But let me ask you. Okay, so living in Florida. I have a theory. Every time I go to Florida now, I'm like, this place is awesome. Are they, like, putting out, like, publicity? If I lived in Florida to get people to not move there, I'd be like, just say there's alligators in the. In churches. Or, like, say, just right. Put out bad press.

[Nick Swardson]

Snake sermons that don't, like, totally praise him when they bite your genitals. Yeah, I live there.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, why don't we all. There's something so mentally ill about the fact that, like, if you have a certain amount of, like, cash where you can live for 10 years or something, why we would not live in Florida? Like, there's some. It's the Caribbean in America.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah. I mean, I love Tampa. I've done shows there. Shows are great. People are. I mean, I don't know. I like. I always feel like everything. I like people like, what the is wrong with you? Like, California, Florida, even. Like, I've had great times in Texas.

[Whitney Cummings]

I love great shows. No, this is.

[Nick Swardson]

Everyone's like, fudge.

[Whitney Cummings]

You're saying is normal. It's just like, the people at UCB with trust funds are like, florida. You're like, you know, that all. Like, the reason your family's rich is because they all live there until one generation ago.

[Nick Swardson]

It's so weird.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's where their tax shelter is, you idiot. Yeah, I don't know, but I do. I'm definitely on the positive addiction. You guys all saw me during the pandemic when I was in some negative addictions. I don't know if weed should be legal in California. This is a very hot take. But once weed got legalized, it got strong as it used to be. Like, you would take an edible, and you would just sort of be like, let's watercolor and make a vision board. Now you're just like, let's find the Scientology ships. I'm finding Shelly Mavage today. But, like, I'm such a hardcore addict that once I put it into something positive, I'm like, that's the key. You're not gonna, like, fix being an addict. You just have to do positive with it.

[Nick Swardson]

Again, not to cut you off, please. But that was so amazing that you just said, I don't know why we need to legalize weed from somebody that has a robot of themselves.

[Whitney Cummings]

You're so.

[Nick Swardson]

I mean, what in the. That's a. That's a hot take. You know what? This weed thing, anyway. Number seven. Enter. I mean, I don't even know what this weird robot's name is, but it's so funny. So obsessed with it.

[Whitney Cummings]

You really are. That was a time when I was. When I was vaping, when I. When I came up with that robot thing. But there's something so fascinating about my. My robot is in my attic. It has traumatized my son a couple times now. Even a baby knows it's bad news.

[Nick Swardson]

Have you met your son yet? Or is. Is a robot raising it?

[Whitney Cummings]

I hear he's great. I hear he's adorable. I don't know. I'm going to see, like, how he turns out. Like, I don't want to get too attached in case he's.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, you don't know. I can't wait till you switch out from the robot when it's like the baby's like, 21, and you're like, surprise.

[Whitney Cummings]

It really is. Like, don't you, like. Because you did the gay rob watch. Like, do you ever look through your stuff and just go, like, this is like. It holds up a mirror to your past choices. Like, I just look at, like. Like, don't you have, like, stuff from, like, movies or, like, sets? Or you, like, look at the Reno911 shorts or look at a gay robot and you're just like, this is when I die. This will be my time capsule.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, but they're gonna die with me. Your robot's gonna still be there, so it's gonna be at your funeral. And oil will come out of its eye. And then it'll fucking be like. It'll be like the movie, like Prometheus or the one where. Oh, my God, I think it was Prometheus, where this Android. That was the same Android, and then it kills one of the leads. I'm giving it away, but spoiler alert. Yeah, spoiler alert. Well, if you haven't seen. You haven't seen it. But anyway, this. There's two. There's a real good robot and a bad robot. And then they puts. At the end, puts you in a pod. And so she thinks that the good robot is going to wake her up in the future. And so the thing closes, and then the robot, she asked the robot a question that's really personal, and he gets it wrong. And she realizes she's trapped in the pod and that's the bad robot, and everything's going to go to hell. Yeah, it's gnarly. I don't know where I was going with that, but essentially, that's what's going to happen when you die.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't.

[Nick Swardson]

Your fudgeing body is going to go down and you think they're burying the robot.

[Whitney Cummings]

I've been dead for 12 years.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, we know.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't know what to do with her. I don't know how to dispose of her. There's something like every time I try to, like, put her somewhere, because I was like, oh, I should bring her to the mothership. Like, I'm going to give her to Joe Rogan and just.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, just do that. By the way, she's saying the same thing. I don't know what to do with her. I don't know how to dispose of her. She's making more humans. I don't understand how many trainers this person needs. I'm perfect. Yeah. I would not sleep with your eyes closed, dude.

[Whitney Cummings]

That thing's kind of a nightmare. And also, it's like she feels like. Like, her skin. You've touched her, right?

[Nick Swardson]

No. Oh, the. Touch me, eat me out.

[Whitney Cummings]

I think the thing that's the most annoying about her is now I hate her because she's based on me. Like, five years ago, they, like, molded my face, like, looked exact. But now I've aged and she hasn't. So she. I just have, like, a younger version.

[Nick Swardson]

Of me and my, like, you're Dorian Gray.

[Whitney Cummings]

Every time I see her, it's like. Like what? I used to be cute. I'm just like. Like, she just.

[Nick Swardson]

That's hilarious. Just bumming you out.

[Whitney Cummings]

I know, because it's like I stopped wearing Invisalign. But, like, her teeth are straight and mine are all crooked now.

[Nick Swardson]

Oh, my God. Like, you call her a she. It's a it.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't know.

[Nick Swardson]

They're gonna be a revolution.

[Whitney Cummings]

Should she transition. I should trans my doll.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, you might as well. By the way, it's funny. One of my favorite things is when I do podcasts, like comedians, we're all, you know, we all know each other. We're all close on each other forever. I mean, all these guys like you, all these girls, and it's like people get so bent out of shape when, like, we roast each other. Because I remember, like, I think last time I did your pod and I. I called you, like, an Adderall mannequin or something.

[Whitney Cummings]

I. I talk. How often do I talk about this? Every four episodes. Every four episodes. I say that. You said that because it's the funniest thing anyone's ever said about me. But it's like, because you were telling that Marc Maron story and I was like trying to get you to the end of it and you were like, sorry, I'm not an Adderall mannequin. And I, I cry. I cried for the first time in 20 years.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, you were peppermint chatty. But. But when you roast each other, people that don't get it, like, it's bent out of shape. And people will comment to me or dm, DM me. Like, I like, Spade is one of my best friends. David Spade, the best. And we go after each other like all the time. And people would be like, hey, man, David's funnier than you are. He's done more movies. Hey, baba. And I'm like, fudgeing. What are you talking about? I'm not going to go in between you and your brother and be like, hey, you know Rick, he works really hard, man, selling shoes or whatever. I don't fudge.

[Whitney Cummings]

One of the funniest things. So whatever. This shoot together and I did this laser, it's called Althara. And it like, you, you're a little swollen afterwards and you look kind of crazy. But we were shooting something and they moved the shoot date and I thought that I was going to have like a week for the swelling to go. And we shot this thing together. It was like that thing for Netflix or something. And Nick came out and saw my face for the first time, all swollen. He went, why are you wearing a Halloween mask?

[Nick Swardson]

That's right. I remember that.

[Whitney Cummings]

It was just like, it was like, just like a generic Halloween mask. Like from the 40s.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, just one of those old timey, like two slits. Yeah, it's basically Mike Myers. But it's like.

[Whitney Cummings]

And it's like, it's like, yeah, we're emotionally dyslexic. Like, we, like when we do this, this is how we show love to each other. I'm not saying it's healthy, but yeah, for people to come and be like.

[Nick Swardson]

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm the only person that gets to say Whitney looks older than she is, not you.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah. Meanwhile, like, I don't like read comments, but like whenever I do board at the airport or something, they're always like, people try to roast me. I'm like, go for it. You know what I mean? Like, what are you talking about?

[Whitney Cummings]

You guys know me. You know that I don't lie. And it's actually kind of a problem I should. So I want to talk to you about Huel and I've got it in my hand because I actually drink this probably more than is. I should probably talk to them about how much I'm actually like allowed to drink it because like I have a kid now. Busy mornings, late nights, I'm working through lunch. I'm like on Southwest Airlines at two in the morning. And I just, it's very hard for me to get like a balanced meal for some reason. I can get it into my kids gullet but I cannot get a complete meal into my pie hole. But that is where Huell comes in. This podcast is sponsored by Huel, spelled H U E L. The world's number one complete nutrition brand. It's a complete meal in seconds. You grab it, you sip it and go, look, it is. Oh my God, I'm so obsessed with that. It provides a perfectly balanced meal designed by experts to give you all the nutrients your body needs. It's perfect for those inconvenient meal times. No prep, no cooking, just grab a heel, say goodbye to unfulfilling snacks, not to mention trash all over your car and a bunch of ingredients that you can't even pronounce in your liver. I love, by the way. I'm obsessed with how this tastes. This is the vanilla one. There's another one that I'm. This is my like current obsession. It's like a, it's like a milkshake but it doesn't taste like, you know, some like protein things and protein bars. It just tastes like a floor, you know, not this. It comes in like, it's got chocolate, vanilla. They're low in sugar. Oh my goodness. And my personal favorite, I like the black edition ready to drink, which packs 35 grams of protein and 27 vitamins and minerals into one bottle. Hu is also incredibly affordable with meals costing less than $5 each. It's a budget friendly option that fits seamlessly into your busy lifestyle. On the way to the airport. Always drinking it. Make it easy to focus on what really matters by drinking. Hu take 15% off with the code whitney.com. that's 15% off with the code Whitney.com. fuel up the easy way with Huel today. Glug, glug. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Look, here's the deal. I'm fixed. Sorry. Emotionally, physically, you name it. Now it's important to know that therapy, I think the way that I like to describe it, it's like the gym for your brain, okay? This is about therapy, not speech. Therapy, they should add that to their docket. But like, I was in a situation yesterday that I can't believe I was in it. I cannot believe I was in it. But I also can because this is what happens when I don't go to therapy regularly. It's like if you don't stretch regularly and then like me, you pull your calf muscle, which I did recently, I'm like, oh yeah, I haven't been stretching. Duh. Of course this is going to happen. We know this is going to happen, right? You don't water a plant, you know it's going to die. I don't see a plant die and be like, what? I didn't water it for a month and it died. What plot twist? Like, no. With better help, therapy is convenient, flexible, entirely online. Whether you're new to therapy or want to switch therapists, it's easy. Fill out their brief questionnaire, get matched with a licensed therapist, and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's designed to fit your schedule so you can start feeling like the best version of yourself without the hassle. If you've ever benefited from therapy, you know how empowering it can be to learn positive coping skills, set boundaries, See therapy, help me. I'm not going to redo that because I'm not a perfectionist anymore. Better help isn't just for people who experience, experience major trauma. It's for anyone who wants to invest in their well being. Overcome your fears with better help. Visit betterhelp.com Whitney today to get 10 off your first month. That's betterhelp h l p.com it's like.

[Nick Swardson]

When you like mouth cuff a comedian where you can't say anything. That's like what we grew up doing. Like the whole point of a comedian is like, when I was growing up, I would say that I would do the craziest when I was like 8 years old because it would get a reaction and I was like, oh. And so like that's what you do. You double down, triple down. So when you go to a comedian, like, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, you know, you've done shows where they're like, hey, just FYI, like, don't say this or don't talk about this.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

You know what I mean? You're like, oh, in your head, your media instinct is like, oh, I'm going to, I'm going to go then hard in the pain. You know what I mean? So that's always fascinating to me in that, especially in this day and age where people are like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And I'm like, my shows on stage, not that I'm, like, controversial or edgy at all, but, like, I'll say, like, retarded. Or, I mean, I'll just say where. I'm like, I don't. I don't. But I don't. I have zero tattooed on my arm. Can you see that? Like, I don't. When people, like, get mad at me, I'm like, what?

[Whitney Cummings]

What do you think that audiences are being weirder? Because I'm noticing since crowd work clips, everyone would like to speak at shows. Now.

[Nick Swardson]

I know the crowd work thing is, like, such a catch 22 because not every comedian does crowd work. Like, I. You know what I mean? Yeah, people are great at it. You know, I'm not on crowd work in any sense, but, you know, like, I do want to get my show out. You know what I mean? So it's like, you know, and people. I. You know, it's fun when people yell out, you know, because it's always my favorite is the look on their face when they realize. I remember one time I did a show in Vegas, and actually, I'll be there. Well, this will be gone after. It'll be already over when this airs. But I did a show one time in Vegas, and I just wasn't in the mood. That's another thing. When comedians are not in the fudgeing mood, whatever is going on with your day, you've got to realize, like, I don't have a lead guitarist behind me or a drummer.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's right.

[Nick Swardson]

So if shit hits the fan, there's not some guy like, hey, just take a break. There's no that. So, like, you're just in the line of fire. So this guy in Vegas yelled something, and it ticked me off. And I. I go, what did you just say? I'm just like, 1200 people in the.

[Whitney Cummings]

Crowd stop the show.

[Nick Swardson]

So. So wait. So I go, what did you just say? And they get. They got quiet, and I'm like, no, no, no. You said something. Say it. Yeah, Quiet. And then not in the mood lights up. I go, where is he? And everyone's like. And I took my microphone, walked into the crowd, walked to this guy, and I go. And I have the microphone. I go, what in the did you just say? Say it to my face. And the guy got dead silent. And I go, exactly. Shut the up. And I just walked back on and was like, hey. But I'm like, it's just sometimes you're just not. And for the most Part I'm not going to do that.

[Whitney Cummings]

Don't. Like, I don't make me feel like a substitute teacher. You know what I mean? You guys came, and there's also, like, I. Someone's got to be in charge.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, totally.

[Whitney Cummings]

If you didn't do that, that guy would have kept doing it the whole show, and it ruins it for everybody else in the audience.

[Nick Swardson]

Like, yeah, but he didn't. He just shot. I was like, just say it. Oh. So you know what I mean? But it's like, I rarely, rarely ever kick people out, but then I'll be.

[Whitney Cummings]

Thinking about it the rest of the show. And now I'm distracted, and I'm not going to put on a good show because I can't be present because I'm like, what the did you say? Like, I need to know what I'm up against here. Like, we were just in. Where was it? Where someone was yelling out. It was Atlantic City. This guy was yelling out. He was there alone. Anytime someone's alone at a casino, their wife stormed out. There were some. Went sideways, right? It was a guy with, like, a black wedding band. You know what I mean? You know, like, you know who I'm talking about, right?

[Nick Swardson]

Those people alone.

[Whitney Cummings]

We're not. Renan Hirschberg is on who's Just Murdering. And he said. He was talking about Jews or something. And, you know, he's like, oh, you guys don't like Jews? And the guy said, like, I like Jews, just not you or something. Like, not even funny, but sort of like, you know, and just kept slowing things down. Not even in a funny way. And no one could see him, so no one could. Sort of the same thing. I came out and I was like, buddy, come up. Like, come up here, because it's like, clearly, you need to speak. Yeah, I'm gonna give you your chance. Because, like, maybe you. Maybe you're funnier than me. Maybe you have something brilliant to say. And I just, like, gave him the microphone.

[Nick Swardson]

Of course, he was just like, that's a bad idea.

[Whitney Cummings]

But I just let him do it.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I see what you did.

[Whitney Cummings]

Just so that everybody know agrees.

[Nick Swardson]

Like, he came on stage.

[Whitney Cummings]

No, no, he was just. I. I squatted down. He came up, and I was like, what's up, man? What's. How are you? Where. And he. You know, it was just. It was clear. He was, like, so drunk, and it was like, all right, buddy. Yeah, I'll be here next year. Let's try again. You know what I mean? We'll try Again, next time we. Because when you kick someone out, sometimes it makes you look like such an. It's so awkward. They can't find them. So I was like, let's all do this together. And security came up, and we just did it, like, kind of elegant.

[Nick Swardson]

Right. You know, but so, I mean, for the most part, a, they're always hammered.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yes.

[Nick Swardson]

And then, B, the crowd wants them gone if they're belligerent.

[Whitney Cummings]

But security was never going to find them if I didn't say, come up here. You know what I mean?

[Nick Swardson]

It's like this.

[Whitney Cummings]

We're in a situation where we're up against, you know, 2,000 people and we can't see you. Do you mean.

[Nick Swardson]

Well, yeah, but I mean, it's not pitch black. Do you have any lights at all?

[Whitney Cummings]

Kind of. He was like, in the middle. No one could, you know, like, is.

[Nick Swardson]

This a show in the 1800s? Nobody had a candle to go. Like, security, where is he?

[Whitney Cummings]

Security Couldn't get him to get. Couldn't get in to get him.

[Nick Swardson]

Right. She just lured him out with trickery.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yes, yes, yes. I'm a woman.

[Nick Swardson]

One of my. One of my favorite moments was. And it gets. My fans are amazing, but they get. I have. I've had it. Which is ironic because I've been. My incident in Colorado, I was all up on stage, but, you know, my fans, like. I'm like, you guys, like, dial it down. But there was a show I did at Austin at Comedy Mothership, Rogan's club, which is such a phenomenal club. I love it. And this guy was. I had to stop the show. I'm like, what's going on? And this guy and this woman were in an argument, and she's like, he's drunk and being an asshole. And he's like, you bitch. And I go, okay, you guys, dial it down. We're at a comedy show. So then they just keep getting into it. Security comes over, and they're pulling the guy out, and he's hammered, and he's older. He's like 55, 60. And he's like, nick helped. Like, what am I gonna do? So I'm like, I think you have to leave now. And he's like, I love you. And I'm like, thank you. Like, why? And then he was by himself. And then they just dragged it. He was so belligerent. They just dragged him out. And he just goes, one last time. He just goes, please help. Like, what. What are we doing here? No, you got belligerently drunk. We're rude. You know, What?

[Whitney Cummings]

I mean, it's like I'll always get a couple single guys who want to come to the show for whatever reason, and like, they think they're going to get, like, some insight on women or, like, how to get a girl something. And then halfway through the show, they realize, like, I'm the girl in high school that didn't them or their mom that, like, wouldn't let them wear their pantyhose or like, whatever it is. And there's this one guy who I actually had comped him tickets. Like, I used to do this thing where you could like, email in and it was like, just say why you need free tickets and we'll give you free tickets. Would like, hold like 20 tickets. And it was people that were like, you know, vets or going through a divorce or whatever it was, right? And this guy, you know, had whatever was handicapped. And it was like, no problem. Of course you're gonna get free tickets. And he's sitting in the front and laughing and, you know, gregarious. And then I do this. I used to do this joke about how every guy somewhere in their house or apartment has a jar full of coins. Like, a coin jar.

[Nick Swardson]

A bowl of funny. I do.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's like, I swear to God, it's like coins. It's like from your pocket.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

There's like a receipt.

[Nick Swardson]

Change jar.

[Whitney Cummings]

Change jar. So I'm like, everyone is a house full of whatever as a jar full of coins. And the guy just goes blank and just goes, that's so we can pay for your.

[Nick Swardson]

Oh, my God.

[Whitney Cummings]

So I'm like, oh, we could not get him out. Could not kick him out. And then this is at the La Jolla Comedy Store where, you know, there's like a window on the side. So they finally get him out and then he's just staring through the window.

[Nick Swardson]

Oh, my God. Are you serious? So it's like, pay for your. Where's Your date? The 99 cent store. What a idiot Arcade. Like, yeah, exactly.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know, but like, you know, sometimes people snap.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah. Yeah. You want to go on a gumball spree?

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

Is that what you're treating me to, you bridge troll? People are so dumb.

[Whitney Cummings]

When I was in Dallas, there's a. This time in Dallas to do the Majestic, I had to promise I wouldn't do a meet and greet after the show because I always do meet and greets after just from the stage, like, take pictures, whatever.

[Nick Swardson]

Love the Majestic. I believe they're December 4th.

[Whitney Cummings]

A dude sick venue.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Stay at the Jewel when you go There, the hotel called the Jewel.

[Nick Swardson]

Okay.

[Whitney Cummings]

J O E U L. There's a pool that goes out over the city. It's so sick. But Dallas, always fun. And afterwards, there's a meet and greet and literally some guy just starts beating some other guy up. Like, we have footage of this guy just like, like fighting someone in the audience.

[Nick Swardson]

Oh, my God.

[Whitney Cummings]

I know. It was just like. I mean, people are rowdy.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah. I don't. Like, people always are like, why don't you do meet and greets? I'm just like, it's too. It gets too weird.

[Whitney Cummings]

You see the way people behave in the comment section on the Internet. Like, they do that irl and they're always.

[Nick Swardson]

Most of the time, they're hammered.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's correct.

[Nick Swardson]

And they ask you, like, weird.

[Whitney Cummings]

And nobody knows how to use their phone. All of a sudden when they need to take a picture.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah. By the way, in public. Like, I've taken. I'll take pictures with anybody. Like, all the time. I'm like. I'm like, chill.

[Whitney Cummings]

People just like have their. They just are eating their phone. Like they don't know what to do. They're just like, in a panic.

[Nick Swardson]

I would give out fake intros. So if I was doing like the Hollywood improv or something, I would. And they'd be like, what do you want me to say? I'm like, I don't care.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know, I mean.

[Nick Swardson]

And they're like, okay. I'm like to say one of the things I did for a while was like, just say I wrote and directed Avatar. And so they would go out and they'd be like, your next comedian. You love him, see him everywhere. He is a writer and director of Avatar. And the crowd was like, I thought it was Nick Schwartzman's gonna be on. I liked it. And I just got. I just love doing stuff like that.

[Whitney Cummings]

See, I got one time. So when I first moved to la, I. For whatever reason, whatever, my autism Asperger's, like, are just like prank ass brains. Like, when I would go to auditions, like, there used to be like a sign in sheet. I don't know how you get movies anymore. You just make sex tapes. I truly don't.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Whitney Cummings]

But I. There were sign in sheets and you would write your name, your and your agency. And I had an agency, but I just was like, I had always heard about Don Buckwald because he represented Howard Stern. Like Don Bulkwald and Associates was like a whole thing.

[Nick Swardson]

Right.

[Whitney Cummings]

I just always thought it was funny. And so I would always Write Don Buckwald's associate. Like, it just made me laugh. It was stupid. I figured the casting director would, like, get that I was, you know.

[Nick Swardson]

Right.

[Whitney Cummings]

Because they booked me already, you know, so I would always write down Buckwald. And then, like, friends of mine would, like, that auditioned after me. They'd be like, oh, you idiot. Like, I saw whatever dumb bit I had Don Buckle call me. It wasn't Don. It was one of his associates. Like, can you please stop writing that? You're represented here.

[Nick Swardson]

Oh, that's hilarious.

[Whitney Cummings]

Because people are so confused, and I thought it was so fun. But, yeah, it's like, that's great. A bit. Just for me that no one else.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Totally frankly, just confusing to everybody.

[Nick Swardson]

That's the best. I remember I got fired from my commercial agent when I first moved to la, and I was coming off a big campaign for Barks Root beer. You can YouTube it. When I was, like, 19. And so I got this big commercial agent. They sent me out, and commercial auditions are so awful. You're just sitting there for, like, hours, and all these guys, you all look the same. You're just like. So I went in and I went to the audition, and the person's like, okay, this first cereal. The chair that's now empty is going to turn around, and there's going to be a giant bird there. So react, because he's the executive. And I'm like, okay. So they're like, okay. And the chair turns as a bird. And I go, okay, just go again. And they're like, okay, okay. Chair turns as a bird. And I'm like, this is so. Okay, let's go again. And they go, okay, just react like you would normally act. Chair turns into bird. I go, it's a fucking bird.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's a huge bird. No.

[Nick Swardson]

And they go, just leave. And they left. They call my agent. They're like, yeah, this guy sucks. They're like, you didn't take it seriously? And then my agent fired me.

[Whitney Cummings]

But what kind of loser needs to call and say that?

[Nick Swardson]

I don't know. I just. Comedians are like. We just don't.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's a power hit of, like, doing that. Like, I. Auditioning. My God. Like that. Okay, we're dealing with child acting right now. Hopefully, we're going to, like, do something about that weirdness, but at some point, we just need to be like, auditioning is psycho. You know, I can do it. You know, I know what to do when I see a bird. It's just. This is so. What is this, like, power trick?

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, like who's gonna just. Daniel Day Lewis is gonna come in.

[Whitney Cummings]

Are you like.

[Nick Swardson]

And be like, it's. But I don't know what.

[Whitney Cummings]

I know what to do on the. I'll know what to do when we shoot it. Yeah, let's just get it.

[Nick Swardson]

Just.

[Whitney Cummings]

Do I look like someone that you would want to see a bird and buy a product? Like, what are we. I remember I would always go to commercial auditions and, like, it's so goofy. You have 15 people in suits, and it's like, tied with bleach is like, the product. 15 people with suits that are all like, this is your job. You know what I mean? Like, you're.

[Nick Swardson]

This.

[Whitney Cummings]

We're washing clothes and you're in suits. Like, as. Like. It's just all so serious. Everyone's taking it so serious.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

And then I would be like, tied with bleach. And they were always like, you sound sarcastic. You're like. You're mocking it. I'm like, no, I'm. This is just my voice. Like, do it again and mean it. And I'd be like, tie with bleach. Tie with bleach. It's like, this is just my. Just don't hire Meryl Streep.

[Nick Swardson]

I get in here. Totally.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, I don't know what to tell you. You know what I mean? Like, commercials is weirdly harder than.

[Nick Swardson]

It's super trippy because I did one for a fast food burger. This over Covid. And I hadn't done a commercial for 20 years. And I did this commercial with fast food burger. And they had literally three sandwich handlers, literally. And I didn't have anybody. And I was. It was just me and the burger and nobody. You know, they're like, nick, do you want water? Or whatever? Fudge? And they had makeup people. They had spraying down the burger. It was nuts, I swear to God. And they had all these like. Can you turn it a little bit more? The mayonnaise. Like, make sure. You know what I mean?

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, the sandwich needs a break.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, totally. They. Me too. The sandwich, they're like, it looked at my. My pussy. It looked at my pussy that the burger did. Okay, new set, new burger. Cancel that one.

[Whitney Cummings]

All these men touched me without my kids sense. Yeah, that's so, so dumb. I remember June Rayfield who did a show. There was a minute there where people were doing shows with animals a lot. Like, they were just like, actors or, like, people. We can't figure out this diversity thing, so let's just bring in a giraffe, right? And so there was A show called Animal Practice. And June Rayl was like, she was like I got two takes. The monkey got six takes.

[Nick Swardson]

Right.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know what I mean? It was like you the actors like couldn't even get a word in edgewise the show.

[Nick Swardson]

Oh yeah. Side note, I've got a. My special came out make joke from Face. It's free on YouTube.

[Whitney Cummings]

That is so funny.

[Nick Swardson]

And then my hour right now is Toilethead and that's all new hour so you can watch on YouTube and for free and then check out my new come to a show.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yes. Tell me about the cities. What are the cities coming up. And then I'm going to read some questions from the Internet.

[Nick Swardson]

I've got Tacoma, Oregon, Salem, Salem, Oregon, San Francisco. And then I do a whole east coast leg. I do like Chattanooga. I'm doing Phoenix, which is west coast but all east coast. New Hampshire.

[Whitney Cummings]

Do you try to spend time in the city?

[Nick Swardson]

My new thing is I do, I try to take. By the way you mentioned Charleston. I almost moved there. I love that.

[Whitney Cummings]

I love Charleston.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah. My buddy Danny McBride, I did a movie with him called 30 Minutes or Less the best and he moved there with his company and his family and he was trying to get me there and I could really, really considered it and I still kind of am.

[Whitney Cummings]

Well because it's also on the east coast for us. Like most venues are kind of east coast. If you live in California, it's going to be like to go to the east coast is a day of your life, you know.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

To able to at least have a place there to do east coast dates.

[Nick Swardson]

I try to. Yeah. Like I try to pick time off like you know, like the Monday, Tuesday, Wednesdays where, you know, before a city.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

So like Billings, Montana. I spent four days there. It was great.

[Whitney Cummings]

I love it.

[Nick Swardson]

I loved it. And I became friends with like all the people in town are really cool.

[Whitney Cummings]

And I know it's like. And they don't care who you are. Like they don't give a.

[Nick Swardson]

No, they did.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yep.

[Nick Swardson]

They lost their minds. I was walking around like I was Abe Lincoln. People like what are you doing here? But everybody was super nice.

[Whitney Cummings]

What's your favorite special that you've done? That's a weird question.

[Nick Swardson]

My first hour was Seriously who farted? Which I love no titles than you.

[Whitney Cummings]

Nobody.

[Nick Swardson]

They're so ridiculous.

[Whitney Cummings]

Nobody.

[Nick Swardson]

I really love my follow up to seriously far to taste it I think is like kind of a sleeper but seriously farted. I. I really like that special. But taste it. Even the one out now make joke from Face. I really love.

[Whitney Cummings]

What I love about you is like when you, you stay a comedian at all times, like people will be comedians will make a special and then they go to naming their special and they're like incisive or. Yeah, that's. It's funny. Funny picture, funny name. Funny. Everything should be funny.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah. It should just be silly.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

I always subscribe to silly. We're. There's comedians that are really good comedians and technically great comedians.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

But I always gravitate towards like silly clowns.

[Whitney Cummings]

We're clowns.

[Nick Swardson]

Well, like Steve Martin is one of my favorite stand ups of all time.

[Whitney Cummings]

Well.

[Nick Swardson]

And if you go back and watch his stand up, it's so absurd. It's just goofy. And I just, I don't know, I always like that.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, no, it doesn't feel like homework.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like Carlin is obviously brilliant, but sometimes I'm like, okay, hold on, I need to rewind it. What did he just say? Like, it's a little bit like I feel, yeah, I feel dumb, you know?

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

I like meetings that make me feel smart.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah. Well, my shows are like just, there's no pretense. It's just goofy and storytelling and narratives by.

[Whitney Cummings]

Mike did ask if you had to name your top three favorite comics, who.

[Nick Swardson]

Would they be right now or all time?

[Whitney Cummings]

It's such an impossible question.

[Nick Swardson]

It's pretty hard. I mean Steve Martin's great.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'd have a towel in mine for sure.

[Nick Swardson]

David Tell's great. Brian Regan's great.

[Whitney Cummings]

So funny.

[Nick Swardson]

You're great. Kyle Kanahan's hilarious. Yeah. I mean there's so many.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, yeah. Bill Burr. I mean it goes on and on. So funny. I like doing people that are kind of maybe under the radar who people might not know yet.

[Nick Swardson]

Deep cuts. Yeah, like a deep cut. When I talk about comedy, Fahim Anwar.

[Whitney Cummings]

Is somebody who right now is being so dumb. And it's like at a time where everyone's like, we need to talk about voting and evolution and like it's like he's just like, like he's just doing the dumbest out there. And I just.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, it's great. I, I wanted to say this before. Being a comedian, you are always roasting. You're always like, if you ever meet, like have you experienced this where like I've seen it with comedian friends of mine and if you go at them and you're not a comedian, even if you're a comedian, they'll come back quick. Yeah, but like comedian friends, like the Ovn Anthony Jaslenek, like, guys that I know where. They'll come back quick if you take a. Like, if you poke them. Yeah, like a tiger. Like, people don't realize. And that goes back to heckling. Like, just don't poke a comedian because they'll triple down. And my point being is when I go home to family functions, I've been like thrown out of the dinner table and stuff for all the time because if somebody takes a shot at me, I don't care if it's you're my uncle or my aunt, a cousin, that's a mistake.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

If you're like a second cousin and you're gonna chime in, oh, my God. Bye. And I literally. They're like, nick, you need to leave. I remember I left one of my sister's dinners because she was like, I was just trying to make my nieces and nephews laugh.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

And so I was being really inappropriate. And then they were like, you please leave. Then I didn't. I actually physically left and got my stuff and went to a hotel because I was so annoyed.

[Whitney Cummings]

And I do think sometimes you. We have to know when to put away the weapons because it's like, we've got totally. We've got, like, I. I've gone out in public with an MMA fighter before. Or when you go out with Rogan, people, hey, man. And you're just like, what are you doing? Like, and again, they can't retaliate in any way because, like, they're human weapons. And, you know, so that's about like when you saw. Remember when that guy that hit Mike Tyson on JetBlue, it's like, Mike, I never saw that. Oh, dude, it's amazing. Pat, will you pull.

[Nick Swardson]

I heard about it, dude.

[Whitney Cummings]

It is. This guy's just like, I need a retirement plan, Bunk. But if he retaliates, he's gonna go to jail. Because you're a human weapon. Like, you're not allowed to. It's like.

[Nick Swardson]

But there's no self defense in that case. I don't understand that.

[Whitney Cummings]

Not really. It's. When I first moved to la, the first celebrity sighting I ever saw was at that Starbucks on Sunset. It was Mike Tyson and he had five security guards with him. And I was like a young idiot. And I just, like said to one of his security guards, like, oh, does Mike Tyson really need security? And he goes, oh, we're not here to defend him from other people. We're here to defend other people from him.

[Nick Swardson]

Right.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, it's our job to fight him at any point. You know what I mean? I was like, wait, what? Okay, this is on JetBlue, right? Hey, Mike.

[Nick Swardson]

Mike, come on, let's go. Stop back.

[Whitney Cummings]

Because once the witness said, at first, Tyson took a selfie with the guy.

[Nick Swardson]

And kept his cool as the man's friend tried to talk to him. Him. But once he had had enough of.

[Whitney Cummings]

It, he asked the man to stop. And when the guy didn't, that's when Tyson reportedly started to throw several punches.

[Nick Swardson]

At the man's face before walking off the plane. By the way, several punches from Mike Tyson takes two seconds.

[Whitney Cummings]

That guy's never gonna be the same. That guy's never gonna be the same.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, but, like, that dude.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. No, 100. But it's same with comics. Like, when people come up and, like, you know, when I was doing the roast, a lot people come up and be like, hey, Khan. I'd be like, right, like, you don't want to do this. Like, I'll change the way you see yourself forever. But, like, I think you just think we're, like, playing around, you know?

[Nick Swardson]

Right.

[Whitney Cummings]

But I do try, like, is in relationships, I used to, like, let it fly. The person I'm with now, Chris, I love him so much, and I never want to hurt him.

[Nick Swardson]

Chris Cole, great skateboarder. Great skateboarder.

[Whitney Cummings]

But sometimes he'll, like, make a joke, and I'm like, just let him. Let him. And he will say, he's like, thank you. I feel like you're not using your powers against me, because I'll, like, I'll have all the roast jokes in my head to make fun of them, and I'm like, but I don't want to do this.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know what I mean? Like, that's my next level of growth, is being like, I could make fun of you right now, but I'm really going to try not to.

[Nick Swardson]

Right. Well, it's like, when I bring my friends, like, around comedians especially, like, I don't bring anybody around Adam Sandler. Like, nobody can't even, like, Spade. I'll bring somebody with me.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

And I'm like, okay. Like, just don't talk at all. Like, don't. Whatever you can do. Don't try to be Adam.

[Whitney Cummings]

Come back rough like that.

[Nick Swardson]

No, I don't. I literally don't bring people around because they can't. They don't know how to process.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

I mean, I. I've done that before where I brought back in the day, like, friends to, you know, around people. And, like, Adam and David, they're great guys, but people like you said, they don't know. They all of a sudden turn into robots where, like, there's a glitch where they're like. And they'll be like, happy Gilmore. Yeah, no, you know, I mean, they'll just start rattling.

[Whitney Cummings]

I did a.

[Nick Swardson]

With Adam. Yeah, yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

And he just was like, oh, my God, it. Bert's famous and he lost his mind when he saw Adam Sandler over a zoom Bird's shirtless.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah. And then he's famous and he goes.

[Whitney Cummings]

I loved your movie. Happy. What was it?

[Nick Swardson]

Happy? Matt. Billy.

[Whitney Cummings]

Billy Madison.

[Nick Swardson]

Billy Gilmore. I don't know.

[Whitney Cummings]

It was like, dude, just go regroup, take a deep breath and come back. Like people. I do. The more. The more that I see this, the more that I'm like, there's something about fame where people just short circuit and they get like. Dan Levy, friend of mine, one time he was hanging. I was with Blake Griffin for something. Blake Griffin was in a movie that I did, and we were just hanging out. And when people meet professional athletes, they really. They really don't know how to behave because first of all, they start commenting on their bodies. They're just like, so, how's your knee? Like, they don't. Can I. How's your elbow? They'll start touching them like it's this. This odd thing. And Dan Levy is next to Blake Griffin, and he just, like, gets really quiet and then just goes, so you eat and clean. And I was like, dan, Dan. Like, imagine him giving a sh. Like, wanting to talk about this with you.

[Nick Swardson]

So are you eating clean?

[Whitney Cummings]

Clean. Like athletes. Everyone wants to know what they're eating, what they're taking.

[Nick Swardson]

Right?

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, I was with Kumail last night in the. In the hallway, and people were like, so you doing Peptides? He was like, what? Like, it's just.

[Nick Swardson]

People just like, that's funny.

[Whitney Cummings]

Just say like, so, Jack, just, hi, big fan. Hi, big fan. Like, just say that.

[Nick Swardson]

Right?

[Whitney Cummings]

You know?

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, I remember I did that because I'm a big sports nerd and I fucking Was a Lucky Strike bowling alley in Hollywood, and I was drunk. And so anyway, I see Dwight Howard and I'm such a dork, and I go, hey, what's up, man? Dwight Howard's like, oh, he's really nice. Like, Chuck and Larry, you're in that movie. And I'm like, yeah. He's like, are really funny. I'm like, thanks, beat. And I go, you know, so and so, like, another athlete, I go, that guy sucks. Right? He's a dick. And. And he just looks at Me. He's like, no, he's a friend of mine. It's actually really cool. And I was like, yeah, okay. It was so embarrassing. I'm like, I did the exact thing where people do that to me, where they're like, hey, so and so's a dick, right? I'm like, no, he's a friend of mine. They're like. And I'm like, oh. Because I did it. I was like, so mortified. I think.

[Whitney Cummings]

You think you're going to, like, bro down or.

[Nick Swardson]

That's what I thought. Yeah, I'm not in that circle.

[Whitney Cummings]

Look, I'm just curious, Pat, have you ever wished you could put your money where your mouth is? Answer the question. Every day. Now you can. With kalshi, the first and only legal prediction market in the US Kalshi is the platform where you can trade on the outcome of real world events, like who will win the presidential election, with which party will control congress, and more. Here's how it works. You can buy event. This is actually my new favorite thing ever. Oh, my God. You can buy event contracts for a few cents each. And if you're right, you're going to get a dollar per contract. Oh, my God, I love it so much. For example, if you buy something for 33 cents and you're right, you triple your money. It's that simple. And you can trade on everything from elections to economic forecasts. So there is always some. Excuse me, that was gross. Something relevant to you. Culture's markets are now live, so you can be one of the first to trade. Oh, my God, I'm sorry. So excited. On elections legally in the US for the first time in 100 years. It's not just a bet. It's a chance to own the outcome, hedge your risks, and potentially make some real money from your insights. Insight. Well, it's funny, I just was going to say I'm psyched and I said instead of insights. Insights. Sign up now. You know what? You should bet on whether or not I can get through a sentence without stuttering. Lord. Sign up now@call she.com Whitney and use the promo code Whitney for a 20 bonus with when you deposit $50, that's callshe.com Whitney promo code Whitney. Hey, everyone, look at me. Look at me. If you're listening, go onto YouTube and look at me. Pat, do I not look like a lioness today? Look at my hair. Look at me. Oh, you can't see me. God damn it, Pat. I. Look, I'm sorry. You know what? Pat's like remote. I Thought like I was waiting for you to make a comment on my hair because when I tell you I look like an 80s goddess right now, I've started teasing my hair again. I couldn't do that because after I was pregnant my hair was falling out. Remember that scene? And is it mean girls went nope, no, no, nope, nope, nope. What's this? Oh, the craft. Remember in the shower when their hair is falling out? Look. As we transition into fall and our schedules get busier with work, school, holiday prep, it's easy to forget your self care. If you want hair that grows faster, stronger and longer, Nutrafol is for you. Nutrafol is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement trusted by over 1 million people. Nutrafol isn't a one size F fits all solution. It's designed with specific formulas for different life stages and lifestyle factors like postpartum menopause or plant based diets. It's physician formulated with 100 drug free ingredients to support hair health by targeting key causes of thinning like stress hormones, aging, nutrition. Wouldn't know anything about those two things. And metabolism. With neutrophil subscription you can build your hair growth routine easily. Your subscription includes automated deliveries, free shipping, free neuropathic doctor consults. Whoa, hey. It's a dating app if I've ever heard of one. And even a headspace membership. In clinical studies, 72% of men saw more scalp coverage and 86% of women saw improved hair growth within six months. Yep. And the hair grows everywhere. Am I right? Get results you can run your fingers through. Go to neutrful.com and use promo code. Good for you to get $10 off your first month subscription plus free shipping. That's nutrflow.com promo code. Good for you. You notice that Adam Sandler is, is becoming really big. Like he's, there's a new like 22 year olds are obsessed with him now. He's like, they're like God, yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

I mean Adam's just timeless. You know what I mean? He's just, he's great guy. And I just finished filming Happy Gilmore too, which was so awesome. And that was like a very surreal moment. I mean I've worked with Adam for 20 years. Literally one of my best friends.

[Whitney Cummings]

Insane.

[Nick Swardson]

I love him. And that was a surreal moment where he was like hey, I have a part for you and Happy Gilmore too. And that's where I got like pretty emotional because I remembered I texted my best friend Colton Don, who's great comic, great actor, he was on the show. Superstore And I texted him right away. He's my best friend in high school. And I go, dude, Adam just asked me to do Happy Gilmore, too. I go, I remember in high school, when we would walk, he worked at a movie theater, Colton. And we would watch Happy Gilmore like, over and over again in theater. And Colton got, like, emotional, and so did I. And it was just, like, such a cool moment. Like, I still have that. I don't. I don't take anything for granted, or I still, like, get fired up about stuff. Like, one of my favorite things was I did this movie, Bucky Larson, Born to be a star, I think 3% on rotten tomatoes, which is amazing. And then I met this guy, Curtis Armstrong, who was in Revenge of the Nerds. He played Booger.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, wow.

[Nick Swardson]

And he did, like, a part in the movie, and I was so fired up. And I was like, hey, man, I've met, you know, crazy people. And I was just, you know, I was so honored and stoked to have him. And he was kind of like, whoa, whoa. And I'm like, dude, you just have no idea. It's, like, really great. It's really great.

[Whitney Cummings]

Well, the more successful, whatever that means you get, the more you respect the people you respect, too. There's like. Like, there's, like, the people that you, like, look up to and love, and then you do the business for a while, and you're like, oh, and you've navigated this wild business.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

And you've, like, come back and stayed consistent and not been a pervert or a creep, like, you know what I mean?

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah. You don't have heroin needles in your scrotum. You don't have scrotum tracks. Yeah, you. You did it, man.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, Whitney loves Etsy. What's Nick's guilty shopping pleasure?

[Nick Swardson]

Guilty shopping pleasure. Right now, it's T shirts. I got this in Idaho when I did Boise, and I found this, and I like road. Really? I like really soft T shirts. That's, like, a guilty pleasure for me. Love a good T shirt. So I'll buy them. You know, I mean, I used to spend, like, a lot of money at department stores and, like, crazy shirts. Now I just like a comfortable. Like, I love this shirt. So it's living with Idaho.

[Whitney Cummings]

Remember Matthew McConaughey? He had a Just Keep Living brand.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Remember?

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah. I've never met McConaughey, but that's another one. I do an impression of him in my new set, and it's a. It's flattering. It's a. It's A good impression.

[Whitney Cummings]

Are you doing any merch?

[Nick Swardson]

No, I never did merch, but I do have swartzenshirts.com and it's got a bunch of different shirts and they're really soft and they're really nice and they're fun.

[Whitney Cummings]

You Funko Pops, you would do really good with Funko Pops.

[Nick Swardson]

I don't know what that is.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's a.

[Nick Swardson]

Does it grow on your penis?

[Whitney Cummings]

Can you Google Funko Pop? Fungal pops. Fluffy kills with these things. They're like little figurine type.

[Nick Swardson]

Oh, yes. It's like, not a bobblehead, but it's like a little doll, right?

[Whitney Cummings]

A little doll kind of deal. People love them. You would do so well with a Funko Pop. Like a Swartz and Funko Pop.

[Nick Swardson]

How do you do it?

[Whitney Cummings]

You either buy a bunch of you and then just sell them at your shows and then you make the money back, or they can just, I think maybe order them straight from the website.

[Nick Swardson]

Can I just add one, make them to order?

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, people love those. Yeah, people are obsessed with.

[Nick Swardson]

Fluffy's great. He's a sweetheart.

[Whitney Cummings]

Such a sweetheart. I'm obsessed with these comics that like. Like. Like you were someone that was on Comedy Central all the time. Like, you had specials there. And the people that didn't necessarily get Comedy Central specials, they made their own specials for, like, Showtime or Finance, their own Jo Koy, Fluffy, whatever.

[Nick Swardson]

Right?

[Whitney Cummings]

And then they ended up owning them, and then they own their audio, and they put their audio on Raw Dog and Pandora and stuff. And then they ended. Now they're selling out, like, baseball stadiums.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, totally.

[Whitney Cummings]

So Comedy Central, you for giving me specials and supporting me, because now I don't know where any of that stuff is. Like, I'm in the process of trying to buy back a couple special so that I can put them on Spotify and stuff.

[Nick Swardson]

Right.

[Whitney Cummings]

Because, like, you know those specials, like, where are they?

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah. No, it's weird. My whole TV show pretend time schedule on Comedy Central and they were like, not people don't buy DVDs anymore. And, like, people still. I mean, my show was like 12 years ago.

[Whitney Cummings]

People are talking about gay robot on the questions.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, Gay Robot was the sketch I wrote audio sketch for Adam Sandler's album. And then we made it into a TV pilot. And you can't. Like, you can kind of find it on YouTube. Yeah, but I mean. Yeah, it just goes into the ether of wherever the it goes.

[Whitney Cummings]

This is probably gonna get me in trouble. But, like, I'm like. Was talking to someone about, like, Just pulling a Taylor Swift. Like, there's a couple specials of mine that are like, again, I wouldn't do the jokes verbatim, right? I'm like, there's a couple, like, pretty good bits that I could, like, sort of like, you know, punch up in different ways and, like, just go record and put on Instagram, right? Like, I did that with a couple things that I'm like, no one's going to ever see this.

[Nick Swardson]

Well, yeah, you're not selling it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, exactly. And I'm just like, like, why don't you do that?

[Nick Swardson]

Why would you.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's. I'm doing, like, re. Recording a couple bits that, like, still kind of hold up, making them a little bit different.

[Nick Swardson]

Why did you preface that with being, like, controversial and, like. Can I say this?

[Whitney Cummings]

Well, because it's like, because your robots here. I don't want the people that I. My giant Funko pop fungal pump. Did you really.

[Nick Swardson]

Is that your safe word?

[Whitney Cummings]

Did you really eat sunscreen or what?

[Nick Swardson]

No. That's funny. That's a common question. That's from Benchwarmers. My character, Howie. No, it was whipped cream. And I always make sure because little kids always ask me that. They're like, 12 years old. You're like, sunscreen? I'm like, no, I could be a dick and be like, yeah, I did. Ciao, ciao. Eat sunscreen.

[Whitney Cummings]

Do you ever get boners on stage? That's actually a good question.

[Nick Swardson]

No, I've never gotten a boner on stage. Your body, a lot of people don't know this. When you do stand up, I don't know if you're like this. You're. My mind. Everything is on another level. It's just weird. Physically, mentally. Like, if I have a show at night, I can't, like, fully enjoy my day.

[Whitney Cummings]

100.

[Nick Swardson]

So it's really a weird thing. But I've been nauseous, I've been sick, I've been hungover. I've been like, every conceivable version where I go on stage and people are like, how did you just kill for an hour when you have the flu? I had to do a show in pneumonia one time in New York, full hour. And, you know, your body just goes. So, like, you don't get boners, you don't vibe. You're like, it's just pure adrenaline. It's so intense and weird.

[Whitney Cummings]

Which for us, I think adrenaline is so calming in a weird way. Like, whatever happened to us growing up? I had to, like, entertain drunk people. So, like. Like being, like, tap dancing for Drunk people hoping they like me and don't, like, lose their mind or cry or throw something is, like, my comfort zone for whatever reason.

[Nick Swardson]

Right?

[Whitney Cummings]

So I'll be really, really nervous before going on stage if it's something high stakes. And then as soon as I get on stage, I'm calm because whatever that adrenaline cocktail, like, calm. Same as when I'm sick. I had torn my calf, and then I went on stage. I didn't feel it at all. And then you come off stage and.

[Nick Swardson]

You'Re like, I can't wait till that's your last special when you're just completely decrepit and just withering away. And it's just. Your last special is called Tap Dancing for Drunk People. And you're literally in a tiny coffee shop and there's five people, and you're just up there like. And it's just like.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, Nikki Valley. Will you pull up the Nikki Valley videos that were doing on a different podcast?

[Nick Swardson]

Because what is up.

[Whitney Cummings]

Here's the thing. How.

[Nick Swardson]

Just a character.

[Whitney Cummings]

How. No Nikki Valley. What was he? He's in the Four Seasons, A friend of mine.

[Nick Swardson]

Oh, like, Frankie Valley.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, sorry. Frankie Valley.

[Nick Swardson]

Oh, my God.

[Whitney Cummings]

Nikki Valley is the. On the Bachelor or something. Can you turn the volume up? What? He's 90.

[Nick Swardson]

Oh, I've seen this. Yeah, that's on Instagram.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's me without makeup.

[Nick Swardson]

I mean, if somebody needs a robot.

[Whitney Cummings]

Are we okay with this?

[Nick Swardson]

Oh, Frankie Valley is such a legend.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, heartbreaking.

[Nick Swardson]

I mean. Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't know, man. I don't know. 90 years old. Oh, God bless him, buddy.

[Nick Swardson]

God bless him. Yeah, that's. I mean, that he's better than a lot of comics right now. Good God. By the way, I've seen some special.

[Whitney Cummings]

See Nick on tour because we may never tour again. It's hard to get dates. I'm like, oh, I want to do some theaters next year. They're like, okay, well, 19 podcasts and 32 tick tockers are doing their, like, you know, their meet and greets and, you know, selling out the Chicago theater. I'm like, pewdiepoo is selling out Chicago theater, and we can't get me a date. What are we saying?

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, also it's like, it's tricky to come up with a whole new hour that's good. You know what I mean? Like, I have quality control where I, you know, I want it to be a solid, solid, good hour.

[Whitney Cummings]

Right, right.

[Nick Swardson]

You know what I mean? And it's really hard to do that.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's so hard.

[Nick Swardson]

And the more Famous you get. And the more people know you, the more the expectation. It's like, I don't ever want to release something that's mediocre.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, you can't.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, you can't.

[Whitney Cummings]

Because it's also. It's like, you know, people come back and see us multiple times. Like, you're at the point in your career where people like, you've been, you know, Pensacola five times. Every time you kill, if you do the same, they're going to go like, all right, I'm not going to come next time.

[Nick Swardson]

Which is psychotic, because people don't know this. And maybe they do. Older fans of comedy, but I remember when I started 1996, and I remember the MO back then was you get an hour and that's it. So I remember comics I would open for, comics I would see. And this is obviously pre Internet.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

So, you know, your. Your comedy wasn't overexposed. And I remember being dudes I would open for, would do this for 10 years, the exact same hour. And I'm. I'm not going to say his name. He's kind of not really a friend of mine anymore, but I just won't say his name. But he did the same hour. Same hour. And back at the. With the punchline in San Francisco, and he was at the bar at the back of the club at the end of the show, and this woman comes up, she goes, hey, I'm a huge fan. I've seen you live like five times. It's the same hour. And he looked at her dead serious with a martini, and he goes, yeah, I'm a millionaire. I don't need to write any more in jokes. And I just thought it was the grossest thing I've ever. I was just like, oh, God.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, don't you get sick of saying it?

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, he just. And he's nobody now. He just completely evaporated. He was really big.

[Whitney Cummings]

Why would you want to do that?

[Nick Swardson]

Like, people like you and care and they want more from you. Like, do, you know, do more. Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

I also get sick of myself. I get sick of my own.

[Nick Swardson]

Oh, God.

[Whitney Cummings]

I also, like, do you ever look back? I want to do a mystery science theater type thing where I go over my, like, early specials and, like, roast it. So I'm like, I don't believe any of this anymore. Like, oh, my God, I'm not this person anymore. It's like, so embarrassing to, like, oh.

[Nick Swardson]

I want to go back and roast my life. Like, if I die tomorrow, I want to go back and be like, okay, okay. All right. It's like somebody commented. I think it was on Twitter or Instagram. Somebody commented and it made me laugh. And they go, I hope when I die I can go back and see all my blackouts. And like, it's like a deleted scenes from a dvd. And you can go back and go, like, what am I doing there, dude?

[Whitney Cummings]

There's something that happens as you get older where different types of alcohol don't work anymore. I remember in the beginning of the pandemic, there was this. It's funny Chris, my boyfriend, anytime I say, well, at the beginning of the pandemic, he's like, I cannot wait to hear. Like, his favorite stories are when I go during the pandemic, he's like, let me guess. Like, what color hair did you have? Like, it was just like such a wild time. Like, I never really done drugs. I never really done anything right. Like, oh, we're just home all day. I'm going to try edibles. I'm going to try mushrooms. I'm going to dye my hair a bunch of different colors. Like, I'm going to make my friends worry about me and do interventions every morning.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, see, you have that luxury by saying the pandemic. I just did that anyway for 30 years. I was like, good Lord, do I.

[Whitney Cummings]

The only time I blacked out and like, it was, screw, I don't want to get in trouble. Promo code. Whitney. It's a great drink. I just abused it. Remember the peanut butter screwball whiskey?

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah. 100 it was.

[Whitney Cummings]

I just don't think alcohol should be that delicious. It tastes like a Reese's Pieces.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

I was on a FaceTime with Dan Levy, and I woke up the next morning in a hammock outside. Don't remember a thing. And then I looked, and we had been on the phone for two and a half hours.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Don't remember a thing. Full blackout. I was like, this is not. Not for me. It's not right. Shine.

[Nick Swardson]

Oh, my God.

[Whitney Cummings]

He was like, see ya. Cosby's driving out of the gate.

[Nick Swardson]

Good Lord. Yeah. I mean, I've had many of those. I mean, that's why my incident in Colorado. I was in Bailey and it was nine.

[Whitney Cummings]

I mean, no one should. No one should do comedy in Colorado. I passed out.

[Nick Swardson]

I love Colorado.

[Whitney Cummings]

I passed out on stage in Colorado, on nothing before. The altitude is bonkers.

[Nick Swardson]

It's bonkers. But also, Denver's phenomenal. I mean, I love comedy in Colorado. Well, everyone.

[Whitney Cummings]

I was there high, right?

[Nick Swardson]

But also, I was in Vail. That's 9, 000ft altitude. And I'd never in my life people ask me about it, so I'm just gonna answer it again. I hate it. But I had had a couple cocktails, and I was in the best mood, and I took an edible. I love edibles. Nope.

[Whitney Cummings]

Nope.

[Nick Swardson]

And I took. And I rarely do it during the day, and I'm like, it. And I just. I was starting my new hour, and I didn't have my set list, and I've never brain farted. Just Brainerrhea on stage. And I was completely. I was like, oh, my God, am I opener? Ari Manis, who's hilarious. He was like, do not pull Nick. Whatever you don't like. He'll figure it out.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

And they pulled me, which, you know, it's. You know, they did whatever they felt like they had to do. Right?

[Whitney Cummings]

Right.

[Nick Swardson]

But, yeah, it's like, good God, be careful. And then people are like, other comics that. That's happened to. And sober, that's happened to a lot of comics, so people don't listen to me.

[Whitney Cummings]

In Aspen, I did a corporate game.

[Nick Swardson]

Brutal. That's another brutal.

[Whitney Cummings]

No, I did a corporate gig in Aspen. I. I don't want to say the. The company, but people had been doing MDMA and, like, water or something, and I was, like. I was, like, a little bit nervous. It was a lot of, like, really big corporate people. It's like a corporate gig, right?

[Nick Swardson]

Okay.

[Whitney Cummings]

I was, you know, I'm just gonna have, like, a little, like. Like a little vibe. Like, just like, what was it? Margarita or something, you know, just to, like, loosen up, whatever. And I. Well, I just gone, like, I just was halfway through. Like, I was just, like, dizzy. I couldn't see anything. I was, like, nervous. I was, like, shaky. I mean, this was, like, a private corporate gig. And then I just started going off on the Saudis. It was. It was pretty bad.

[Nick Swardson]

Oh, my God.

[Whitney Cummings]

It was, like, pretty bad. And it was like. I only had, like, a little bit of vodka, but on that altitude, isn't it four times the impact?

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

And I was super dehydrated, and I hadn't eaten. Yeah, I was just like, oh, like, when you're doing stand up there, like, you have to, like, really, like, like nothing.

[Nick Swardson]

And also horrifying edibles.

[Whitney Cummings]

You never know when they're gonna kick in either, dude, you know that I had to get a bump removed from my head because I. I, during the pandemic, took an edible. It was one of those blueberries, like, one of the edible blueberries.

[Nick Swardson]

The problem with, they taste really good, they're delicious.

[Whitney Cummings]

But also when they melt, like, if they're in a car, on a plane or something like that, and they melt, you don't know the way they distribute. So it could say 5 milligrams, but you can have one in a 5 milligram thing that's 25 milligrams, and the other one's, like, 2.

[Nick Swardson]

Right.

[Whitney Cummings]

Because the chocolate, like, melts or something.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

I take an edible. We do, like an IG live. I stand up, I slam, I fall. And slam. Fainted. Fall right into that corner. Had a big egg on my head. Had to have it surgically removed. Edibles are ticking time, Bob, to take an edible.

[Nick Swardson]

To only take them before bed to go. Just go to sleep.

[Whitney Cummings]

I've done it before to be like, oh, I'll go on stage and, like, in an hour it'll kick in. But, like, you can't. You don't get to decide when it's gonna kick in.

[Nick Swardson]

No, you've got to be a professional. I mean, I know comedians that do everything before they. They can do anything before they go on stage.

[Whitney Cummings]

I can't do anything until afterwards.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah. One of my buddies, my openers, he did a full bar of Xanax and chugged a glass of wine before he went on stage.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

And granted, he only has to do 15, 20 minutes, but I was like, dude, if I did that, I mean, good Lord.

[Whitney Cummings]

But by the way, if I may.

[Nick Swardson]

Yes.

[Whitney Cummings]

Happy to cut this. Or if I'm like, people can say you're encouraging, whatever. Like, everyone I know that heard about that was like, oh, Nick's touring. Like, it was good promo.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah. Because my shows, they didn't say after the fact.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

My show sold out and they were amazing.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

And I did. Ironically, I did Aspen after Vail after the incident. Show sold out. Two shows, of course. And people were throwing edibles at me on stage. Swear to God, face. Throwing edibles. And I wasn't drinking. Obviously, I didn't drink for a while, but it was hilarious. And then I did Denver, and those shows were sold out, and they were a blast.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

But so, wait, side story about Aspen. I did the Aspen Comedy Festival a couple times, and so I got, you know, they had all these parties, and I got hammered, and me and Andy Milonakis were out of our skulls. And it's Aspen Comedy Festivals in February, So it's like 10 degrees, and I take my shirt off, and we just roam the streets of Aspen. And there was a sign, a street Sign wooden. And I just start punching it shirtless fucking out of my skull. My hands are bleeding. Me and Andy are walking down the street looking like werewolves. I don't think he had punched anything. And we stumble into a townhouse that's having a party. And we go. And I can't. I just fall down and I'm crawling around on the floor and I'm just going, that's where pee comes from. And pointing to my penis is what I was told. And pointing to strangers genitals going, that's where pee comes from. So then somebody found me and they were like, you gotta go to the hotel. So they took me home. And then I woke up. And my manager at the time, rest in peace, Bernie Brillstein, who managed John Belushi, Chris Farley, a ton of people. It's iconic. He has a book called where did I Go right Rita? And he called me up and he goes, nick, it's Bernie. I heard about your. Your performance last night. Dial it down. So, yeah, Farley and Balushi and I, you know, I'm not like that big of a rager, but I was just blacked out and punched and covered in blood. It's like, what?

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, can you not?

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, like, okay, industry festival.

[Whitney Cummings]

What is your sexual fetish? Are you in defeat?

[Nick Swardson]

I don't really have any fetishes, and I've never, like, been into feet.

[Whitney Cummings]

I think there's some. Isn't the theory that toes look like dicks? Look like little dicks?

[Nick Swardson]

No. Who said that? They look like. Probably buffs. That feels like a Tim Dillon fetish.

[Whitney Cummings]

But you know how people have sex with feet, right?

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, I mean, I've. I've heard they do that.

[Whitney Cummings]

Do it that way.

[Nick Swardson]

What does that mean?

[Whitney Cummings]

Make a vagina but you.

[Nick Swardson]

The feet.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, that's what. That's what a foot fetish is. It's that.

[Nick Swardson]

Oh, I thought you just sucked on toes or something. No.

[Whitney Cummings]

You have sex with that.

[Nick Swardson]

Oh, my God. So it's like the smelliest on planet earth. Who even is like, God, I wish this woman's vagina smelled like feet. Hey, can I put a basketball shoe in your vajay? The is wrong with people. That'd be great. Hey, Blake Griffin, that was a great game. Can I have your shoe? I want to put it my wife's snatch and can show her chow your feet.

[Whitney Cummings]

There's lots of people these days that come to comedy shows. You get a lot of, like, hall pass or a lot of, like, want to join this couple?

[Nick Swardson]

You're like, I got that on Cameo.

[Whitney Cummings]

What is. Oh, no.

[Nick Swardson]

People would be like, hey, hilarious. Saw your special. Great. Anyway, do you want to. Me and my wife and my dog or something? I'm like, no, no, I don't have.

[Whitney Cummings]

We become too accessible.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, totally. It's, like, crazy. Let's say the craziest crazy.

[Whitney Cummings]

What's your number one cameo request?

[Nick Swardson]

Usually Terry from Reno.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, funny.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah. And I, like, I'm gonna be back on Cameo for the holidays because I love it. I actually really enjoy it.

[Whitney Cummings]

You can just knock them out at the airport. You just, like, in people.

[Nick Swardson]

But I put, like, an effort in.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

Like, I dress up as Terry. I'll put a bandana on so good. Like, I'll do. Just go with it. I'll put on my glasses and do Dolph. And, like, I love doing stuff like that.

[Whitney Cummings]

It makes people's life. Like, it makes them so happy.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah. Because a lot of people can't come to a show, and I don't charge. I mean, some people charge, like, $1,000. Like, I don't do that.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's insane.

[Nick Swardson]

But a lot of people can't come to a show. So if you're in, you know. But wherever. All over the world.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, but with Cameo, can they. How much time do you have to respond? And can you say no to certain things?

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, totally.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay. Okay.

[Nick Swardson]

You have six days to respond, and then you can.

[Whitney Cummings]

Or not respond at all.

[Nick Swardson]

Or you can be like, hey, this is crazy, or I'll ask for more specifics.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay.

[Nick Swardson]

Because one of the things going back to what we were talking about, people will be like, hey, man, can you roast my uncle Jeff?

[Whitney Cummings]

Yep.

[Nick Swardson]

I'm like, I don't know your uncle. The whole point of roasting is that you have a grab bag of things. You know what I mean?

[Whitney Cummings]

That's my problem, too, is that I always get asked to roast. I don't know what's on Cameo because they're just like, roast my boss. And I'm like, do you want to get fired? Right? Like, this isn't gonna go well. I don't know how you think this is gonna go.

[Nick Swardson]

Sometimes I will if they'll send me, like, some, like, a list of things. Like, hey, his favorite movies. This. He. He lives here.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

His favorite sports team. I mean, I can grab bag anything because I've traveled every country. I mean, every state a million times, and I know every sports team.

[Whitney Cummings]

So what do you ever do? Like, throw out pitches at games and stuff?

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, I love it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Ah.

[Nick Swardson]

I've done the first pitch out a bunch, they'll have Nick Swartzen day in Minnesota. It's Twins game. Game.

[Whitney Cummings]

So sick.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, it's called meat sauce. Me and my friend Meat Meat sauce.

[Whitney Cummings]

But okay, so I tried to throw the pitch out once at an angel's gate. It was. I, I. It wasn't bad. I don't think I was bad. I just was too far behind the mound and it hit the ground.

[Nick Swardson]

You were behind the mound or in front or on top?

[Whitney Cummings]

Well, this is the. Where do you throw from? The mound.

[Nick Swardson]

The mound, Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

I was, like, a little behind it, and I should have been if I was just a little. I. It's just. There's nothing more embarrassing, like baba buoy.

[Nick Swardson]

You know, there's some atrocious ones. O apat somebody. I mean, there's a handful of them.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's bad.

[Nick Swardson]

They. They threw some.

[Whitney Cummings]

So when you go to each city, do you reach out and go, like, hey, can I come? Like, something?

[Nick Swardson]

I mean, San Diego's always been nice to me, and they've had me. I don't. I just. If they reach out to me or something.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay. Because I need to start learning about sports. I'm dating an athlete. What do I need to know? Can you show tell me how skateboarding works and I how to talk about it?

[Nick Swardson]

Yes. So if you're going to start skateboarding, I'll call my buddy Danny Way and just take. Just drop in on his mega ramp. Trust me. Don't ask any more questions.

[Whitney Cummings]

Just to laugh at, like, you know.

[Nick Swardson]

No, just immediately kickflip Del Toro.

[Whitney Cummings]

I, I, by the way, I had his little.

[Nick Swardson]

Del Toro.

[Whitney Cummings]

I had his. It's Del Toro. Oh, there. I have his little tech deck there.

[Nick Swardson]

Oh, sweet.

[Whitney Cummings]

The little mini ones.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, those are great.

[Whitney Cummings]

Here's the thing. Comedy and skating, of all the professions. Because you're always like, like, can I date a comic? No, but I have to date someone that kind of understands what we do. I'm gonna date an actor. Of course not. Like, but now that I'm dating a professional skateboarder, it's weird because there's comedy and skateboarding is really similar.

[Nick Swardson]

100. I love that I'm friends with a lot of skaters, but it's like, you're.

[Whitney Cummings]

Both, like, you're touring with a bunch of people. You're not making any money. In the beginning, we literally both started in parking lots.

[Nick Swardson]

Like, it's also the microphone. It's them on a board.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's right.

[Nick Swardson]

You know what I mean? So it's like, I, I extreme Athletes and those, like, X Games and like, Moto, all that stuff. I just. I always bow down to it.

[Whitney Cummings]

And we're doing the same thing. Like, you're trying. You're trying a joke over and over again.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's gonna, like, suck until you get.

[Nick Swardson]

It and people can film you and then post and be like, oh, these sucks. Yeah, like, wait, you.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, exactly.

[Nick Swardson]

It's a process.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's the only thing where you, like, fail constantly before you succeed.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, totally.

[Whitney Cummings]

And there's. At every level, you're gonna fall. At every level, you're gonna suck.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know, do you ever go out?

[Nick Swardson]

Like, I. I've had this happen many times where I've. Back in the day, this is so old, but I would have a little notebook before phones and I would write bits down or ideas or premises. And then I remember, like, one premise. It took me like 10 years to figure out. I found it in an old notebook. And even, like, I always riff on stage. So, like, I'll have a premise and then slip it in. Like you said, you put it in between two things and then you just kind of. The more I talk it out, the more I find it on stage. So that's happened a lot where bits where I'm like, this is going nowhere and then it becomes a huge bit.

[Whitney Cummings]

Is there?

[Nick Swardson]

Or I'll just solve it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Is there ever a bit like, I've got, like, these word documents that is, like, carried over from special to special. And either you keep cutting it because it's not there yet, or it's like a premise you can't figure out. Like these, like, the joke that got away or like the premise that got away. Like, I have one that's like, I've never figured it out. That's about like, like. And it's not that I've never figured it out. It's just never been time for it or something. Like, it's about, like, fake news. Like, people like, there's fake news. It's like, when has news ever been true? Like, it's just like about like, you know, you know, 100 years ago to get news, you were just like, hey, like Australia, do you know anything? Like, it's like just about how we used to get the news before newspapers and stuff. It always kind of works. But maybe I'm just. There's something about it. It's like my white whale bit. Like, do you have any of those?

[Nick Swardson]

Well, it's like something like that. Such a weighted premise that you can build and build and build. So it's like you said, fitting it in. I've got bits where I'm like, this just doesn't fit in the set I'm doing. Like, I have. I mean, I don't want to do it, but I have a bit where I'm like, oh, it's like it either works or it doesn't. I'll just do it. But I'm like, okay. So I'm like, I got to trim my pubic hair. And I go, I always wonder like, if you don't, does it just keep growing, like, hair, like, does my pubic hair will grow down to my feet, you know what I mean? If it just keeps going. And I'm like, I always. But I just trim my pubic hair. And I go, I realized there was somebody that didn't do that. They didn't trim their pubic hair. It was Chewbacca from Star Wars. He never trimmed his pubic hair. And that's what happens. And I remember just it. Either way, people like, oh, that's funny. Or it's like nothing and it has no place in my set, which I don't care about. It's not like I adhere to some structure of stand up.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

Because it's all over the place, but.

[Whitney Cummings]

Because I feel like it also.

[Nick Swardson]

It's so dumb.

[Whitney Cummings]

Does as well as you. You're feeling it that day.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah. If you don't give an effort, then.

[Whitney Cummings]

They can tell if you're enjoy. It's like, I love the bits that work when you're into them and they don't work when you're not. And the audience is like, well, you don't even like this bit, so why are we going to jump on?

[Nick Swardson]

Or if you go like, okay, I'm going to try a new bit out. And then it's like, well, I mean, I've done that before. I'm like, that's dumb. You. You've got to sell it. I remember Seinfeld in an interview, he'll be like, you know, he's talking about stand up. And he's like, you never open with a new bed. Never open with a new joke. Which I don't agree with at all. I love opening up with a new bit because you're challenging yourself and the audience is like, ready, you know what I mean? So I'm like, oh, like I. I love opening with something and just giving it that, like, okay, I'm coming out hot. Zach Alphenakis. Back in the day, I shared an apartment.

[Whitney Cummings]

Crazy.

[Nick Swardson]

I remember one time we were in New York, we Were at Stand Up New York in the Upper west side. This is 1998. And Zach's on stage, and it's a. The room is full, and we were just. Nobody's. I was in the back of the room, and Zach's bombing, really, but to, like, dead silence. And he's so funny, but he was just ahead of the times, and he was bombing really bad. And he takes his phone out, calls, and I had my phone on me, and it, like, buzzes, and I go, hey. And Zach's on stage. He goes, hey, man, this crowd sucks. He goes, are you hungry? I want to go eat. And I go, yeah. And he goes, okay, I'm gonna be out of here shortly. And he hangs up the phone. He goes, sorry, that was an emergency. Anyway, you guys are horrible. And he just walked off stage. It was so funny.

[Whitney Cummings]

I mean, Brody Stevens was, like, the king of this show.

[Nick Swardson]

He was the best.

[Whitney Cummings]

And if he wasn't bombing, he would, like, make sure he was.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, he didn't know what to do when he would kill, because then he started killing.

[Whitney Cummings]

He started, like, people started getting it, or people started coming to see him, and then he would, like, have to turn on them. And it was just like, dude. I remember, like, when he came out, I think it was at least the Montreal Comedy Festival or something, and he just came out, and he's like, energy, just yelling at people, and he just goes, if you don't get me, you're dumb. This is. He's just berating the crowd the entire time. Like, one of the funniest things I've ever seen was Brody at the Comedy Store New Year's Eve. This was back, like, after Rogan had left the Comedy Store. Remember, it was like the men see a Rogan drama. It was like. Yeah, it was a ghost town. It was just like. Like, Chernobyl vibes. Like, it was just weird tourist. It's like, you know, there's, like, balloons in the main room. It's, like, half full on New Year's Eve, like, and Brody is ringing in the new year, which is a psycho that's already hilarious. Psycho person. So obviously, we're all in the back, like, watching, like, this imminent meltdown. And he comes out, and he just starts yelling at the audience, just berating people. Like, you know, like, you know, I take my, you know, mom to lunch and I pay half. They're just like, what? Like, just going on. And then he just snaps and he goes, okay, well, I will ruin your New Year's.

[Nick Swardson]

Oh, my God.

[Whitney Cummings]

Doesn't Count out. It just was like we're crying in the back laughing, like, no one does that anymore.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, well, everyone's just, you know, they don't want to bomb or go viral for bombing or. I don't know.

[Whitney Cummings]

Brian Holtzman moved to Texas. Like, I did see him walk a bunch of people at the Mothership recently. It was pretty fun to watch.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, walking people is amazing things.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Nick Swardson]

Tricky, tricky. How long are you here in this prison of a podcast? I don't know. Somebody call authorities, send me a helicopter or a Rick shot. I don't know what they travel with out here. I'm in town. I leave tomorrow.

[Whitney Cummings]

Sac, Sacramento.

[Nick Swardson]

But this will air after.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yes, this is going to air like.

[Nick Swardson]

Next week, so I'll just say, oh, tomorrow I go to Tacoma and then Salem, Oregon, and then San Francisco.

[Whitney Cummings]

Tacoma's near Spokane, right? I love Spokane.

[Nick Swardson]

Tacoma's outside Seattle. They share an airport.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay. Right, right.

[Nick Swardson]

Yeah, Tacoma's great. I love the Pacific Northwest.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, yeah, I know. I love it up there.

[Nick Swardson]

But I love touring. Nick Swartz and.net is blast.

[Whitney Cummings]

Let's Nick Swartzon.net TVs over, movies are over. Except Happy Gilmore to come see us on tour. It's the only place we're not going to be censored. And, you know, who knows?

[Nick Swardson]

New movies on the horizon. I got two features and a pilot I wrote insane trying to get that going, so. Because I've been touring non stop for like three years. So check it out now, because I don't know when my next tour is going to be.

[Whitney Cummings]

Ooh.

[Nick Swardson]

I'm not daring you. I'm challenging you.

[Whitney Cummings]

Are you afraid I end these awkwardly? Love you, Nick Schwartz.

[Nick Swardson]

Urine. Coyote urine. That's what you get in currency here in the Whitney's Adobe from hell.

[Whitney Cummings]

Last time you were like, is the guy that invented dream catchers designed this?

[Nick Swardson]

Oh, yeah. Looks like a gift shop in Santa Fe.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like. Like Georgia O'Keefe sonogram photo. It's.

[Nick Swardson]

This is where they film the movie Eat, Pray. D.

[Whitney Cummings]

Wait.