Political Rallies & Sinking Ships | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 262

Summary

Podcast Summary: Good For You Episode 262 – "Political Rallies & Sinking Ships"

Release Date: November 2, 2024

In Episode 262 of Good For You, comedian Whitney Cummings hosts her friend and fellow comedian Grace Weissen for a lively and insightful discussion that delves into the peculiar intersections of politics, societal norms, and media portrayals. Skipping the advertisements and promotional segments, Whitney and Grace navigate through a series of topical and often humorous conversations, punctuated with sharp wit and relatable anecdotes.

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1. Halloween Meets Election Year

Timestamp: 16:59 – 21:10

Whitney opens the episode by highlighting the oddity of celebrating Halloween during an election year. She remarks on how the festive spirit is overshadowed by political undertones, making Halloween feel more like a "horror show."

Notable Quote:

• Whitney (17:01): "Election years. We gotta move up Halloween two weeks earlier. It's just everything we see on the news is already a horror show, so it's hard to scare anyone."

Grace echoes Whitney's sentiment, sharing her experience at a haunted hayride where the integration of political themes made the event feel more unsettling than entertaining.

Notable Quote:

• Grace (17:34): "There's a haunted hayride in Griffith Park that they do every year. I went with some of my friends last night, and it's one of those things where they have people, like, scare artists, if you will, coming up and yelling at you and banging shit in your face."

The duo discusses how political symbols and figures have permeated traditional Halloween decorations and activities, blurring the lines between celebration and political commentary.

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2. New Zealand Ship Sinking and Gender Stereotypes

Timestamp: 25:51 – 32:48

Transitioning from Halloween woes, Whitney brings up a recent news story about a ship sinking in New Zealand, emphasizing that the incident was not due to the captain's gender but her being a woman. The conversation swiftly turns into a satirical critique of gender biases and the absurdity of attributing failures to a woman merely because of her gender.

Notable Quote:

• Whitney (25:53): "The first woman sunk a ship in 2024. That is outrageous. Only one ship out of the probably 600,000 that have sunk in history, and we've only sunk one. That is not equality."

Grace adds to the humor by highlighting the historical context of maritime disasters predominantly involving male captains, thereby mocking the notion that a woman's involvement is an anomaly.

Notable Quote:

• Grace (23:55): "Women can do whatever they set their minds to."

The duo continues to dismantle the flawed reasoning behind associating the shipwreck with the captain's gender, stressing the importance of recognizing individual competence over gender stereotypes.

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3. The Discovery of a Sixth Ocean: A Reflection on Human Insignificance

Timestamp: 32:48 – 38:16

Whitney shifts the conversation to the recent scientific announcement of a sixth ocean, expressing her bewilderment and skepticism. She humorously compares the proliferation of oceans to the saturation of blockbuster franchises, questioning the necessity and relevance of such a discovery.

Notable Quote:

• Whitney (33:00): "Like, oceans are just like movie franchises all of a sudden. Like, we don't need six of you. We have 20. We don't need 20. Fast and Furious is."

Grace joins in by pointing out how this new discovery challenges our existing knowledge and maps, pondering the broader implications for humanity's understanding of the planet.

Notable Quote:

• Grace (37:09): "I'm furthest away from any, like, land anywhere you can get. And also, it's like this where however the current... there's nothing can live there."

The conversation delves into philosophical musings about human significance in the vastness of the oceans, with both comedians reflecting on our limited grasp of Earth’s mysteries.

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4. Hallmark Channel's Ageist Practices and Formulaic Storylines

Timestamp: 38:06 – 45:04

In one of the most engaging segments, Whitney and Grace critique the Hallmark Channel for its exclusion of older actresses in favor of perpetuating youth-centric storylines. They dismantle the stereotypical plots that dominate Hallmark movies, highlighting the unrealistic and repetitive nature of the narratives.

Notable Quote:

• Whitney (40:05): "Hallmark movies are always like, girl goes home for the holidays and runs into her high school sweetheart at the farmer's market... It doesn’t make sense for older women."

Grace complements Whitney's critique by mocking the superficial aspects of these movies, such as the predictable characters and shallow motivations.

Notable Quote:

• Grace (44:43): "She doesn't do that. You're gonna get a yeast infection from my son's dirt-ridden nail beds. Don't do it. Go back."

Together, they explore the lack of diverse and mature roles for women in media, advocating for more authentic and varied representations that resonate with a broader audience.

Notable Quote:

• Whitney (42:17): "Hallmark movies require actresses who look like they still believe in love. Oh, okay. Actress over 40. I don't buy that she has any hope left."

The segment serves as both a humorous and critical examination of media practices, urging for a shift towards more inclusive and realistic storytelling.

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Conclusion

Throughout Episode 262, Whitney Cummings and Grace Weissen provide a sharp, comedic lens on current societal issues, from the politicization of cultural festivities to entrenched gender stereotypes and media representation. Their dynamic interplay and candid humor offer listeners both laughter and thoughtful commentary on the peculiarities of modern life.

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Key Takeaways:

• Halloween in an election year feels distorted as political elements overshadow traditional festivities.
• Gender biases persist in attributing failures unfairly, as illustrated by the New Zealand ship sinking incident.
• The discovery of a sixth ocean prompts reflections on human knowledge and insignificance.
• Media representation, specifically the Hallmark Channel, suffers from ageist practices and formulaic storytelling, lacking diverse and authentic roles for women.

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Note: This summary excludes all advertisement segments and focuses solely on the substantive discussions between Whitney and Grace. For a more immersive experience, listeners are encouraged to tune into the full episode on Good For You.

Transcript

[Whitney Cummings]

Hey, everyone, it's Whitney here. Please don't scroll past this because I'm doing tour dates because that's what I was told started happening. So just go to WhitneyCompanies.com, i'm coming to your city. And don't skip this because wildness is coming soon. Right now. Bap, bap, bap. I have voted. This is such a vibe. Oh, welcome to the program. It is Halloween day that we're shooting this. We're returning to the new format this week.

[Grace Weissen]

Get out of my way, Nick Schmoretson.

[Whitney Cummings]

We're not doing the old format where I text with a comedian for three weeks, rescheduling them to come in just to talk about cancel culture and depression. Instead, we are going to go over my topics this week. Topical zeitgeisty rants with my pale. No. Given queen Grace Weissen, who joins me. We're going to dig into things. Grace is here in her Halloween costume. What you got?

[Grace Weissen]

I'm a voter.

[Whitney Cummings]

She is dressed as a clown with an I voted sticker. It is I. It is such a vibe. When you go vote, do they just give you the clown costume?

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah. No, the sticker came from home. I got this on Amazon. But this. This. Yeah. I walked in and they gave me a paper ballot and then they handed me this on a hanger and they said, the changing rooms are around the corner.

[Whitney Cummings]

You could have just worn the I voted sticker. You didn't need the whole clown costume. We got that. Well, in la, like, you don't need to wear the clown costume. Just tell her when you're on Hinge and your radius is la. Like, there's other ways to be a clown.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah. Well, I'm back on Raya, so actually I'm. I'm doubling down on my clownage.

[Whitney Cummings]

What's going. Okay. Raya, as you guys know, is the. The trafficking site for men in V necks and TikTok. Girls who need a sponsor.

[Grace Weissen]

Yep.

[Whitney Cummings]

To go to Mallorca.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah. To go on a tart. To get on the. The tarte cosmetics, balloons and trip list.

[Whitney Cummings]

So true. Is it Ibiza or Ibiza? Have we decided It's Ibiza. Ibiza. So why would you. Have you ever switched genders on Raya or switched who you're looking at? I was on Raya and looking at guys and it's all, like, men that think they're producers. It's all, you know, triple threats. You know, the three jobs, you know?

[Grace Weissen]

Yes.

[Whitney Cummings]

They.

[Grace Weissen]

They're always three.

[Whitney Cummings]

They're producers, they're Executive producers, They're co producers, they're writers, they're directors, like, of their social media, you know, And I switched it once, and it was just. Just a freak off.

[Grace Weissen]

I think you can set it to be like, I'm looking for just friends or, like, just dating or, like, both. And I think mine is, I'm looking.

[Whitney Cummings]

To get rid of friends. Is there an app that can help me delete some of the friends I have?

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Can I look through my friends and be like, yeah, we. We haven't gotten along in years. We outgrew each other in, like, the two early 2000s.

[Grace Weissen]

Just keep posting on Instagram. Yeah, it'll take care of itself.

[Whitney Cummings]

I can't. Like, the app for losing friends is called Venmo, actually.

[Grace Weissen]

Yes.

[Whitney Cummings]

Already have that, I guess. So you're on there for friends.

[Grace Weissen]

No, I'm on there for dating. But, like, you just. See, it shows you every. Like, if you go to, like, who's near me, it'll be like, here's literally every person. First of all, that doesn't feel safe, Raya. Yeah, but also, it. Yeah, it shows you, like, everyone. Some of these women, wild. I feel like we're different species, you know what I mean?

[Whitney Cummings]

What is your bi. What is your song on riot? There's a song that goes with your profile.

[Grace Weissen]

You're gonna hate it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Mine was you're not good enough by Blood Orange.

[Grace Weissen]

Oh, that's really good.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm gonna guess. I'm gon guess. I'm gonna guess. Oh, I feel like I. Oh, I'm gonna be so annoyed when you tell.

[Grace Weissen]

Me you're gonna be. You are going to be furious. Hate me.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's a Taylor Swift song. Okay. Because I was like, if it is.

[Grace Weissen]

I would never do that. Really? Not on my. No.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay.

[Grace Weissen]

That comes later.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay. Okay. It's just your sex playlist.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah, exactly. I like to cry.

[Whitney Cummings]

Also, speaking of vibes, I am dressed as Ray Gun for Halloween. Ray Gun till I die. I will fight you in the street. Here's my thing about the Olympics, because it's coming back at some point. I think the Olympics is missing a huge opportunity, I think. Okay, Reagan proved my point, okay. Which is my problem with the Olympics is always that, like, when you see people that are really excellent all next to each other, they don't seem that good.

[Grace Weissen]

That's actually so true, because there's no context. Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay. So it's like when I see the runners running, they're running, like, 100 miles an hour, but they all look slow to me. And I'm like, this isn't that impressive because they're all, like, neck and neck.

[Grace Weissen]

He beats the other guy by literally half. Like, less than half a second.

[Whitney Cummings]

And they all just. They might as well be going walking, as far as I'm concerned, because they're all next to each other, and there's no contrast. I would like to pitch the idea of the 13th lane. Now, this is a lane with just some person, some guy that's trying as hard as they can. It could be an athlete. Honestly. It could be someone very fit. It could be Rogan.

[Grace Weissen]

They could just make each athlete do a shift on a different sport.

[Whitney Cummings]

Just have a regular person try to do what they're doing so we all know what's happening. So it's like you just have some guy and. And go. And then everyone's going super fast, and the regular guy's just like. And just, like, achilles heel pops. And you're like, oh, I get it. And I see how excellent and amazing they are.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Reagan comes in and does my idea. Because if I just saw breakdancing, I'd be like, whatever. I guess, like. I guess, like, I kind of scroll past this in my, like, Discover page. Like, it's. I could do that. I feel like I could do that.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

I watched JoJo.

[Grace Weissen]

Oh, I'm literally watching the Olympics Googling. What is the easiest Olympic sport to get into? I want the hardware. I want the glory trip.

[Whitney Cummings]

I look at curling, where they're mopping up before the thing, and I'm like, should I just do that instead?

[Grace Weissen]

Yes.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, that's like, my plan C is Olympic curler. It looks so easy to me. All of this looks so easy.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

And dumb. And, like, Ray Gun comes in, and you're like, oh, break dancing's hard. Like, she made us respect the athletes so much more also. I mean, if. If confidence and delusion was an Olympic sport, she'd be goal.

[Grace Weissen]

I mean, that.

[Whitney Cummings]

She was just. She was like, no, I'm competing in delusional confidence.

[Grace Weissen]

Right.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't. Was this breakdancing? I'm sorry.

[Grace Weissen]

She does have a PhD in breakdancing. Man. I don't know about that. No, I am. It's because I want to go to grad school. I'm just, like, the easy way out.

[Whitney Cummings]

We do need to weigh in on Tony Hinchcliffe. This is wild. Wild. What is going on? I will start by saying, can everyone stop asking comics to do their serious things? We're not. We're feral animals. Stop inviting us to your. To your Run around your china shop. Stop inviting us to your important events. We don't belong in the DNC or the rnc. We belong at the HPV clinic. We don't belong at galas or balls. We belong on 4chan. When did people start thinking comedians are, like, the paragon of morality? Like comedians are self sabotaging Tourette's stricken contrarian sickos who cannot be trusted around anything important or serious. They wanted to get a young male YouTube demo. Okay, first of all, don't try to get the Kill Tony demo. They can't vote. They're all in jail. They don't.

[Grace Weissen]

They're also all illiterate. They can't read the ballot.

[Whitney Cummings]

The YouTube demo isn't voting for Trump, okay? They're writing in Andrew Tate.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

On the side. They're not there. What are you. I just. I don't know. Just leave us out of this. Can you leave us out of this? Like, stop inviting those, like, dirty hyenas to your black tie event. You know what I mean? Like, these rabid honey badgers shouldn't be running around. We don't know how to behave. That's our thing, okay? Stop making us your party trophy. You know, to make you look punk rock when you just need to actually learn how to run the country. How about instead of booking Tony Hinchcliffe for your event, how about, like, I don't know?

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah, Flint still doesn't have clean water.

[Whitney Cummings]

Booking Tony's flight. Could they just fly to Flint instead?

[Grace Weissen]

Seriously? Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Saying hey. Also Trump rally people. Google him. Why is no one Googling anyone? When I meet my friend's new boyfriend, by the time I get to the restaurant, I know who he took to prime prom in San Antonio in 1992. I know about his Lyme disease debacle covered in the Fort Worth Gazette. No stone goes unturned when I have someone in my life, in my house. When I interviewed Grace, dude, what did I ask you?

[Grace Weissen]

Are you comfortable with nudity?

[Whitney Cummings]

I did ask you. Comedians in general. We do have to start saying no. People like us, like, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, okay, people want to invite us to their things. We were the dorks that were not invited to things. We were. Nobody invited us to their parties. No one had asked us to prom. And now all of a sudden, we're like the cool kids and, you know, like, it always ends up like Carrie at the end of the movie.

[Grace Weissen]

Oh, my God.

[Whitney Cummings]

Always. My main note for Tony would be, first of all, you don't wear a suit, okay? This was I think Tony's mistake, I'm telling you, is that, like, well, especially.

[Grace Weissen]

When you had to get it. Oshkosh Bagan.

[Whitney Cummings]

Hey, hey. Build a bear. This is what it is. These suits give the cue to people that were serious people. Okay, why do you think that I do my podcast out of Peewee's Playhouse? Dude, this. This. Hoarders and sanitariums littered with flea market trash and weird figurines my stalkers made for me. And their meth lab comics have to protect themselves by keeping the context conducive to comedy. You know, like when we did those roasts on oftv.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

I dress like Dolly Parton just got out of rehab.

[Grace Weissen]

Correct.

[Whitney Cummings]

Or my tongue was. Was purple.

[Grace Weissen]

Oh, my God, dude. From some 30 seconds before we shoot Whitney's like, are we rolling? And we're like, what did you eat?

[Whitney Cummings]

And I'm like, guess who's not getting canceled because people know.

[Grace Weissen]

Let you out of it.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm not a serious person.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

If Tony's tongue was blue, we wouldn't be in this jam.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay. My roast. I was dressed like a lawyer for Republican drag queens.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

And looked ridiculous.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know, I told everyone to dress dumb to remind everyone that we're silly gooses, and that's what we do. Stop dragging comedians out of the gutter, gussying us up, and using us for your first amendment street cred, because then the Second amendment is going to be used against us. I'm about to be the flag lady at the NASCAR race next week to hold the flag. I'm not saying a peep. Okay? I will show up in a short skirt because I know the assignment. Okay? Comedy belongs in places named after weird buildings and fruit. The ha ha ha, Go bananas, flappers.

[Grace Weissen]

Lol.

[Whitney Cummings]

Lol. Just not rnc, not dnc.

[Grace Weissen]

Those are the only three letters you get. Lol.

[Whitney Cummings]

Adjectives we turned into nouns because we're illiterate. If you really want Tony Hinchcliffe to help you, ask him for a donation. Ask him to sell his one of his 500 belt buckles on ebay and donate to you so he can get a tax write off because he already doesn't play any taxes in Texas. So that's how you can use a comedian. Don't like.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah. Horrifying.

[Whitney Cummings]

Horrifying. Should have been me. I fell for it once. I fell for it. I got invited to a tech billionaire thing to perform, and I'm like, they're like, come perform for all these. I'm like, they're. I like them. What? They respect me. No, they don't. So I get invited to this corporate event, and I'm like, they like me. They really like me. And they told me, please don't make jokes about the Saudis.

[Grace Weissen]

What are you going to do?

[Whitney Cummings]

If you don't know me by now, then you will never, ever, ever know me.

[Grace Weissen]

My back's against a wall.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's just not how Tourette's work. Had you not said anything about the Saudis, I would have not said anything about the Saudis.

[Grace Weissen]

You put the idea in my head.

[Whitney Cummings]

I planted the seed.

[Grace Weissen]

That's called a prompt in this business.

[Whitney Cummings]

You gave me a good idea, okay? Best idea wins. Okay?

[Grace Weissen]

Oh, my God.

[Whitney Cummings]

And it's like, whatever you do, don't make fun of the Saudis. And I was like, gotcha.

[Grace Weissen]

Yes.

[Whitney Cummings]

And okay, so there's Saudis here on the side of a mountain in the snow, and you want me to not. And you just give me a margarita. Are you out of your mind? And the altitude is out of the way. You know, I did open with, why is everybody so afraid of the Saudis? Like, I'm not worried Saudis are going to kill me. I'm not a journalist. And then I couldn't stop. Like, I couldn't stop. And the worse it got, I couldn't. Like, we go out of body because you. In that moment, you can't be like, oh, sorry, I can't do it. Like, there's no way out of it either, because you're like, wait, you guys, I came here to do what you wanted me to do, and now I'm doing it and you're not. You're just, like, out in the wilderness alone. And then it recreates our childhood circumstances. Now I'm in my comfort zone. Nobody likes me. Nobody's paying attention. I'm failing. This is. I'm a. I'm a cozy. I'm in my. I'm in my comfort.

[Grace Weissen]

Double down.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know what I mean? And then it was just like. And then you're like, well, this will get them. Like, hold on, hold on. You haven't heard this one. And then I was like, well, these are tech billionaires. You know, we have. Everyone in this room has a lot in common with the Saudis. All these. Half the people in this room just moved to a desert where women have no rights. It's called Texas. And I'm like, wait, wait, wait.

[Grace Weissen]

Why aren't you laughing?

[Whitney Cummings]

Hold on. Wait till you hear this one.

[Grace Weissen]

No, no, I got it, I got it.

[Whitney Cummings]

I got. I see okay, got it. Got. I got. Haven't gone far enough. Fair, Fair. I haven't committed to the bit yet. And then I just. We don't. We hit rock bottom and keep digging. That is our nature. Like, and then I was like, okay, I get it. I get it. I see why America and the Saudis there. That we did start off on the wrong foot. 911 was a setback. And you. You guys did something unforgivable. 9 11. 911 made Pete Davidson famous. And we will never forget that. You did that to us. Like, I couldn't stop and then I didn't. You can't. And then you're just like, oh. And then it's.

[Grace Weissen]

Oh, sorry, it's been an hour.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, there's no way out. Whatever. So I don't know. I'm just. Oh. And then I was like. I was like, why is everyone so afraid of the. The Saudis? Like, Saudis. Why is everyone so afraid of you? Do they think you're trans? I was like, guys, the. The dress they wear is their, like, religious garb, not their truth. Have you guys heard of GLP1 medications like Ozempic or Wegovy wild name. They're effective but hard to find and often expensive. But now ROE makes it easier to access GLP1s and start your weight loss journey with a more affordable option. Through ROE, you can access prescription compound and GLP1s with the same weight loss ingredient as brand name GLP1s at a fraction of the cost. RO has compounded GLP1s in stock now and you could have it in just one to four days. If you qualify, there's no. No need for a doctor's appointment. No commute, no waiting rooms. You can see if you qualify from the comfort of your home and if prescribed, your medication ships directly to you within a few days. If you're curious about trying GLP1s, RO offers the support you need throughout the process. They provide on demand access to healthcare providers for any questions you might have along the way. Just a reminder, the medication must be paired with diet and exercise modifications to achieve results. And medication costs are separate from the program. Go to ro.comwh Whitney to get started. Memberships start at $99 for the first month with medication costs separate. Go to RO CO Safety for black box warning and full safety information. Compounded medication is not required to and does not receive FDA review or approval. Prescription only. I'm going to be straight with you. If you're not drinking liquid death, you're stupid. You're just a Dumb person. Like, I don't. Look, we all got to drink water, you know, I spent all this time drinking all this water. Glug, glug. I was on some glug, glug shit. And then find out, come to find out that all the water was full of chock full of microplastics. Killing turtles, ruining the world. And all I wanted to do was hydrate myself. Okay. Enter Liquid death. My White Night. It's a healthy beverage brand that makes mountain spring water, low sugar flavored sparkling waters, low sugar iced tea, and even electrolyte drink mixes. What is the deal with the name though, you ask? It's all about killing single use plastic bottles with infinitely recyclable cans. Okay. My favorite flavor, I. I love so many of them. I love the mango lemonade sparkling water that is my current jam. It's like, it's got like a little bit of sweet agave. It's like, it's very. It's fresh, it's very refreshing. And like, look, Liquid Death, it's. You're not only doing something good for yourself, but it's. You're not ruining your karma. Liquid Death's mission is to reduce plastic pollution. And they donate a portion of their profits from every can sold to support this cause. Did you know that if we don't curb plastic waste, it's estimated that plastic will outweigh fish in the ocean by 2050? Look, I hate all the things in the ocean as much as you do, okay? That doesn't mean I want the fish to die. That doesn't seem fair. Okay, the best part about Liquid Death, you can get $5 off any case just by listening to this podcast. Go to liquiddeath.com whitney to find out how to text your receipt for an instant $5 venmo discount. That's liquid death dot com, Whitney. Enough about that. Let's get into our topics for the week. First and foremost, I always forget how weird it is to celebrate Halloween on an election year. Too close.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah, this is the worst week of my life.

[Whitney Cummings]

Election years. We gotta move up Halloween two weeks earlier. It's just everything we see on the news is already a horror show, so it's hard to scare anyone. Back in August, I saw houses side by side, and one had a Kamala sign and one had a Trump sign. And I was like, hey, guys, too early to be decorating for Halloween? Stop. Stop with the haunted houses. And then you're like, you know, like, I see a bunch of zombies trick or treating and I'm like, congress Going door to door to campaign for Kamala. Like, when I see rotted skeletons on someone's lawn, I'm like, you guys, don't make fun of our president. He has one week left. You're being like. It's just. That's just hacky.

[Grace Weissen]

There's, like, a haunted hayride in Griffith park that they do every year. I went with some of my friends last night, and it's one of those things where they have people, like, scare artists, if you will, coming up and yelling at you and banging shit in your face. And it's one of. You pay to torture yourself, basically. And I was just like, I feel nothing. Every time I open my phone, it's so much scarier.

[Whitney Cummings]

You're so numb at this point. Point.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

That is like, sorry. I can't stop thinking about how you get that job.

[Grace Weissen]

I think it's a lot of, like, people who are here to be actors living.

[Whitney Cummings]

You just broke my heart, Grace.

[Grace Weissen]

I know. I know.

[Whitney Cummings]

That ruined my day.

[Grace Weissen]

It's. There's at one point, you walk through, like, an empty shipping container as, like, a tunnel, and this person was on the side of it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Just, like, migrants.

[Grace Weissen]

Yes. Yes. No, it was that somebody was just on the outside, like, banging something on it to, like, scare people. And she was just like.

[Whitney Cummings]

And then she's like, the election's on Tuesday. And everyone's like, yeah, I guess it's just hard to tell what's a Halloween thing and what's just, like, the nightmare that we live in. Like, someone dresses up as, like, the Joker, laughing maniacally. And I'm like, okay. Kamala doesn't wear purple suits that often. It's more eggplant. It's confusing. The spiderwebs all over Joe Biden's head are not from Party City. Like, which is which? Halloween is just, like, a weird. A week before the election. It's, like, not much fun watching Dracula while finding out politicians are vampires. I just. Watching political coverage on the news. You're also like. Like, there's Halloween movies, and it's confusing. You're switching channels. You're like, watching Silence of the Lambs and then the shouting of the sheep. It's just like, during an election year, a haunted hayride just feels like the state of our farming industry 28 days later is in a movie. It's just like, probably when we'll get the election results.

[Grace Weissen]

Like, I feel, oh, my God, I will kill myself.

[Whitney Cummings]

Children of the Corn becomes the reason some people are pro choice. I don't know. Dude, move.

[Grace Weissen]

Halloween yeah, it's also, I'm kind of surprised that there hasn't been, like, a conservative movement to end trick or treating because, like, kids going door to door asking for handouts is kind of exactly what they're against.

[Whitney Cummings]

I mean, look, just saying, you're indoctrinating.

[Grace Weissen]

The children with their socialist agenda.

[Whitney Cummings]

What are the razors and apples?

[Grace Weissen]

That sounds like a really nice way to go out at this point.

[Whitney Cummings]

I mean, don't, like, remember the good old days when you had to worry about kids, like, eating razors with apples, not them being trafficked on Nickelodeon. Like, it's weird when you think, like, remember the good old days when kids only had to worry about, you know, being poisoned at Halloween?

[Grace Weissen]

Oh, my God. Also, all the parents who are like, yeah, I'm going through all of my kids candy. Like, you know, if I don't want, like, anybody giving my kid drugs and.

[Whitney Cummings]

Their candy, it's like, first of all, candy's a drug.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah, but your sugar is addictive.

[Whitney Cummings]

Candy.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Is bad.

[Grace Weissen]

But also the best thing you could.

[Whitney Cummings]

Do is give your kid candy and they get a little cut in their mouth and never want to eat candy again.

[Grace Weissen]

No, that's 100%.

[Whitney Cummings]

That actually might be. Dude, I remember the. Someone in my neighborhood gave out a toothbrush and toothpaste.

[Grace Weissen]

Evil. I will burn your house.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm close. I. I might be that guy. Oh, I might be that guy. Dude, I know.

[Grace Weissen]

They're all from Etsy and they're all used.

[Whitney Cummings]

I am always out of toothpaste. I feel like it's for the parent to just run an errand. You just took an errand off my plate. You didn't need another Mounds bar. Like, now I get what that was like. Someone was just like, here's a toothbrush and I know you're going to run out floss. Yeah. If I would just want to put like, like little groceries in for the parent who's like, oh, yeah, I needed. Thank you. I needed. Yeah, yeah.

[Grace Weissen]

Well, first of all, your house is unreachable by foot, so nobody's coming to trick or treat you.

[Whitney Cummings]

I. One year, the house I was in before this, also not reachable by foot. I dressed up as Wonder Woman, worked so hard on my costume, and had all of this candy, and the kids weren't coming up. So what I started doing is I would see kids down the block, so I would just start running after them.

[Grace Weissen]

You're on a list.

[Whitney Cummings]

You can't chase kids with candy.

[Grace Weissen]

That's kind of the cardinal rule of being an Adult.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't know, I just, like, I can't even watch a Halloween movie at this point. It's like the shower scene from Psycho is just about being in the voting booth, except she's just like, can you kill me already? Our next topic is about a ship that sunk in New Zealand. And the AP News wrote an article titled, new Zealand ship didn't sink because its captain was a woman. It didn't sink because the captain was a woman. The call Defense minister said the ship.

[Grace Weissen]

Did sink to be. This is a little mistake.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's. The ship's sank. That's all you needed to tell us?

[Grace Weissen]

The ships sank?

[Whitney Cummings]

No, no, that wasn't the news story though. But not because a woman was d. It. Driving it. What is it called? Shepherding it, Captain. Yeah, the ship sank, but not. Okay, nobody who doesn't think something is true makes it news that it's not true. Like, you didn't need to write this article at all. Like, nobody even knew about the story until you said it wasn't true. Like, news is a list of what's true, not what's not true. No one's like, hey, this just in dinosaurs did not have tick tock. Like, no, we. We assumed that, like, if you just said nothing, nobody would have thought, oh my God, it sunk because of female captain. Like this. I think this journalist thinks it was a woman that sunk it. And he's trying to convince himself or he's trying to. Are he's trying to go like. Or should it be in italics? Like it didn't say like, when someone.

[Grace Weissen]

Didn'T sink because she's a woman.

[Whitney Cummings]

Just say it. Just be like, it's probably because of this woman. Like, when someone's like, hey, just. By the way, I'm not crazy. That's the crazy. That's it. You. I what? That's the most batshit crazy. Just. You know, I did not cheat on you last night at the club. Like, wait, what kind of.

[Grace Weissen]

I think you did.

[Whitney Cummings]

First of all, let's just. Even if this female captain did sink the ship, good for her progress.

[Grace Weissen]

Women can do whatever they set their minds to.

[Whitney Cummings]

Men have sunk every ship before this. The first woman sunk a ship in 2024. That is outrageous. Only one ship out of the probably 600,000 that have sunk in history, and we've only sunk one. That is not equality. We have a lot of work to do to catch up with the amount of boats that have been sunk by men.

[Grace Weissen]

I think it's so hard to be a woman today because all the firsts have already been taken. Like, not that women 60 years ago had it easy, but you could just, like, walk the Appalachian Trail, and they'd be like, first woman to walk. What an accomplishment.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know?

[Grace Weissen]

Like, you could do anything, and they'd be like, the first woman ever did that. There's nothing left to be the first at.

[Whitney Cummings]

No, you got to it all.

[Grace Weissen]

I want a Wikipedia page. There's nothing for me to just go out and do without any training.

[Whitney Cummings]

No. The only things we can do now are the other wingers. Yeah, that's the only thing we can do. But also. What? Sink ships? Loose lips.

[Grace Weissen]

Oh.

[Whitney Cummings]

And that's our thing also. I don't even think she did it. I just. I don't buy women don't trust boats. No, I don't buy that a woman, like, was on a boat. Okay, we know we don't do boats. Okay? We know. This is how our husbands kill us.

[Grace Weissen]

We do boats, but only when men have boats.

[Whitney Cummings]

Only on Dating Profile.

[Grace Weissen]

We don't buy our own boats.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. No, no, no.

[Grace Weissen]

Like, all my friends are looking to date guys who have boats, which is crazy, because I remember Natalie Wood. I know what happened to her.

[Whitney Cummings]

Walk me through through this. All your friends want men with boats. Is that what it's come to with your generation? You can't buy houses.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah, for sure.

[Whitney Cummings]

Whoa.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah. I mean, it's just like, you know, it sounds like such a good idea when you're not in the midst of it, when you're not, like, on the ocean.

[Whitney Cummings]

The easiest way to say I'm not. I'm not looking for something permanent. I'm afraid of commitment is to be on a literal boat.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah, that's. Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

He can't even commit to the land, and you want him to commit to a woman.

[Grace Weissen]

It's like, I'm a little wishy washy on this.

[Whitney Cummings]

The only thing worse than fighting with a guy is fighting with a guy like this. Yeah. There's no way to have any kind of dignity. Like, walk the walk of shame as you leave the boat. Like, trying to get your stuff.

[Grace Weissen]

Yes.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, can't get it. Stay off the boat. Everyone get out of the. Get out of the water.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay. I definitely. I don't go on boats with people who love me. As a general rule, it never ends well. Hashtag Nancy Grace. But I just believe women tend to respect gravity. We learn about it very early.

[Grace Weissen]

We know Amelia Earhart's story.

[Whitney Cummings]

I know that she was eaten alive by crabs.

[Grace Weissen]

What?

[Whitney Cummings]

Yep. It's just in. Okay.

[Grace Weissen]

First woman eaten alive by crabs.

[Whitney Cummings]

That.

[Grace Weissen]

That's another thing I can't do.

[Whitney Cummings]

Number one. We got to it before men.

[Grace Weissen]

Amelia Earhart. When I see you in hell, if.

[Whitney Cummings]

I saw the Titanic, I would. I'd be like, nope. No, I would. U turn so fast. I'd be like, no, no, no. This does not make sense. This is a guy thing.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

We're not doing a shopping mall on the ocean. No, we're not doing a hotel in the ocean. Lose the chandeliers, lose the bookshelves, the dance floor. We're not jumping and dancing on a thing that could flip over. We're all going to sit here quietly with no humble. Yeah, there's a humbleness that we have. The. The arrogance that men have. Like, I'm just going to drive a mall on the. On the seas.

[Grace Weissen]

I went on one cruise, spring break, seventh grade. It is literally a mall. First of all, everything is, like, Coca Cola branded. It's very weird. You're like, we're in the middle of the ocean. I can't spend any real money. I have a simulation fake debit card.

[Whitney Cummings]

I did go on a cruise once, and there was a 20. The buffet, there was so much jello, and I was just like, ooh, this is tough. Like, I just remember the buffets. Like, constant buffets, and being like, this is. You can't escape. There's nowhere to go.

[Grace Weissen]

No, there's literally nowhere to go.

[Whitney Cummings]

Just because women aren't in a field doesn't mean we have to get in it. You know, I also, by the way, I trust a woman that's doing about. Like, whenever a female pilot walks on a plane, everyone's like, oh, no. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. She had to work twice as hard. She must really want.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

I still have not seen one woman running with the bulls.

[Grace Weissen]

That's such a good point.

[Whitney Cummings]

We don't do things like that.

[Grace Weissen]

Well, no. Well, like, imagine if a woman had gone down in the Titanic submersible.

[Whitney Cummings]

She would have beat it.

[Grace Weissen]

She would. She would have. First of all, she would have been here now. She would be on the podcast as a guest.

[Whitney Cummings]

HR this. They're talking.

[Grace Weissen]

No, she'd be like, I'm sorry, you want to lock me in a room with two men, no cameras for four hours? No.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, it wouldn't happen.

[Grace Weissen]

Would never in a million years. I'm sorry, it's controlled by a Nintendo joystick.

[Whitney Cummings]

But also, you want me to go look at a bunch of trash. I got it. Yeah, I got it.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

You Know. I saw. I got it.

[Grace Weissen]

Sorry. My husband leaves that for me every day.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, Yeah. I don't.

[Grace Weissen]

On the counter.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm good. You want me to go look at, like, old, like, rotting things? I can look in the mirror every morning before I put makeup on. I just feel like when articles like this come out, this is like. We get it. You guys don't want us to be in your thing. That's okay. Just say it. You don't. You want to make a big deal out of it to, like, deter. You don't want ladies steering your battleship. It's called a cockpit for a reason. We got it. Stay. It's not called the cooch pit. It's the guy. You guys don't want us to complain. Your tree house. Like, no girls allowed. Like, we got it. Yeah. We don't want to crash your boy's day on the sea. We're crashing your man cave on the sea. And some women, you know, they do. And they're making it so you can't make jokes about sperm whales or whatever things she would call human resources about. I get it. Maybe she sunk the shit because she got confused about who to listen to because there's nothing serious about boating terminology. She was like, I think this is my boss who's telling me to do this, but he's also called a Skippy.

[Grace Weissen]

And he's telling me I'm his mate.

[Whitney Cummings]

So I think I'm gonna do the opposite of someone that calls themselves a Skippy. I'm gonna do whatever. The opposite of what? Guy who's like, hi, I'm the Skippy. What? Okay, well, I have to take matters into my own hands, all right? I'm a mom now. I'm gonna tell you the truth about stuff. Nothing is more annoying to me than Big Mom. All these, like, fake toys that. That don't. That kids don't like that don't do anything. Look, I got my kid all the things I grew up playing with. Lawn darts. Turns out you're not allowed to use those anymore. Okay? Jumping around in baby powder. Looked down upon. Frowned upon, frankly. Okay, Kiwico sent me a bunch of stuff. It's the only stuff my son will play with, okay? Kiwi Company takes the same energy of, like, model rockets, Legos, like, fun things that we grew up with, and it puts it into Kiwico clubs. These are more than just monthly club traits. Their comprehensive learning journeys that help kids build skills over time in science, technology, engineering, art, and math, which we need more than ever, because let's face it people are getting dumber. Enter Kiwico to fix this. With five clubs to choose from, Kiwico covers everything from building bows and arrows to engineering robots, which, let's be honest, all our kids are going to be doing as a job, as a parent. I love Kiwico. It encourages creativity, persistence, curiosity. There's this one thing that he's obsessed with from the steam club. And watching him figure it out, it was. It was like so cute to watch. These projects are built to last and they can be used over and over again. His first favorite Kiwico thing, it was a box with like a. It's hard to explain, but you put a ball in it and then the ball comes out and the ball. And he was just like doing it over and over again. I licked thousands of toys and that was his like favorite thing. It was so simple. It didn't have any weird sharp corner. Like I could it just. Look, my son has very good taste. Do what he does. Kiwico club members also get great perks, like 10% off your order, free shipping in the US and early access to new crates. Get 50% off of your first [e-mail] with promo code Whitney. That's Kiwico. K I W I c o.com promo code Whitney Tinker. Create and innovate with Kiwico. Life is unpredictable. Sometimes someone else's negligence can leave you injured. If you're ever hurt or in an accident, you deserve to be compensated. Okay? If someone's going to be a bum and and jack up your knee, you might as well get a house out of it. Here's the thing. Not calling a lawyer when something like this happens could mean you're leaving money on the table. When you're seriously hurt, your injury could be worth millions. Morgan and Morgan is America's largest injury firm. With over 100 offices and more than 1,000 lawyers. They've recovered over $20 billion. How reckless are people driving out there? Christ Church. Do you ever hear that? Christ Church. Like, why is that in my head? They have recovered 20 billion for 500, 000 clients. What is going on out there? Should we not have legalized weed? Like, what is happening? They fight to get people like you full and fair compensation that they deserve. And submitting an injury claim with Morgan and Morgan is so easy. You don't need to stress out about the details. They handle it all. If you're ever injured, check out Morgan and Morgan. Their fee is free unless they win. For more information, Visit for the people.com Whitney or dial pound law pound 529 from your cell phone. That's four f o r the people.com/whitney or pound law 529. This is a paid advertisement that leads me to my next topic. You guys, you know me at all, and you know my litany of mental challenges. You know that it's. It's hard for me to even say this without laughing hysterically. This just in. We just all found out that there.

[Grace Weissen]

Is a six ocean new ocean just dropped.

[Whitney Cummings]

And no one's talking about it. Dude, no. Okay. While y'all are freaking out about the distractions out the outrage, I'm in a full existential crisis with this new science that keeps coming out. I am out here, like, totally losing my. You guys, there's another ocean. I feel like the main reason nobody's talking about this is because it means you would have to list the other five oceans, like Indian Pacific, Indian Pacific, Atlantic, Baltic, Arctic, Frank, Mona, Frank Ocean. No one thinks this is weird. Last time I yelled that, it was about Tim Walson. China didn't go so well. But I'm just saying, no one thinks this is where I'm not taking on new oceans at the moment. Like, what are. Like, oceans are just like movie franchises all of a sudden. Like, we don't need six of you. We have 20. We don't need 20. Fast and Furious is. We don't need more oceans. Like, I am just obsessed with these little reminders that we are these tiny, inconsequential specks of bacteria who are wasting our lives on the, like, adrenaline junky distractions when we're only on this earth for, like, 10. 10 minutes in the grand scheme of things. Like, like, when you Google six ocean, which I do because I'm not a booker for the Republican rally. I Google things. Your algorithm knows right away that you're in a dark place. Like, just Google six Ocean. Like, better health ads come up like dating apps, like suicide hotlines. Or like, this is. This would be a tough, tough download. Like, do not Google the six ocean until you're ready to fully believe that we're in a simulation. Do not proceed into this unless you want to be in a catatonic depression for the rest of time. I don't. I. I like news that puts things in context.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

It helps me feel better about, you know, me not using my platform to speak out more about appropriating the word spirit animal from the natives. I'm like, is this. I'm going to fix it. There's a six Ocean.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

You think I'm going to fix it? I never thought that anytime someone asked me to do something, I'm like, there's a six ocean.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

What is this? Yeah, it's a good way to just stop a conversation.

[Grace Weissen]

Correct. Like, you need to go into timeout and you need to do some reading.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's not that big of a deal. There's another ocean we didn't know about.

[Grace Weissen]

It's actually. Yeah, it is.

[Whitney Cummings]

And also, what are the chances we know anything if there's just been, like, this other ocean?

[Grace Weissen]

This whole, like, have we not dug everywhere?

[Whitney Cummings]

Dude, I don't. Like, this is the kind of thing. It's like, you know, Africa's way bigger than it is on every map.

[Grace Weissen]

This is crazy.

[Whitney Cummings]

Africa is so much bigger than it is on all the maps.

[Grace Weissen]

And they made it in South America. Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

A racist cartographer did it so that nobody. That people didn't think it was as big as it was.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Or something.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't know. Get an alex jones.maps.org I just think it's important that at times when everyone's worrying about stuff that probably doesn't matter, I want you to just. I want to give you something to worry about that actually will matter. You will drown in this. You will probably die in this. This ocean is. I don't like it. I got my eye on it. Okay. I. I do also believe when things like this happen, like, everyone's obsessing about the election and the results and all that kind of stuff, and I'm just like, guys, the sixth ocean. Like, I was definitely the person to pack. Like, in tribal times, like, my generate. Like, way, way back, there was, like, a war, and I was the person that was like, all right, when you guys take a break, these are not the berries. Like, don't. These don't. You know. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know why I can't focus on the thing everybody else is focusing on. I don't know. Or maybe we're all disassociating in our own ways.

[Grace Weissen]

That's it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Is this how I'm, like, like, minimizing the stress of all this other stuff going? Like, it could be worse. We could be in the six ocean.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

I just think we use these ostensibly important things in order to distract ourselves from the horror of how, like, insignificant we are completely.

[Grace Weissen]

You know, I literally. The other day, I saw a TikTok about Point Nemo. Are you familiar with this?

[Whitney Cummings]

Don't give me.

[Grace Weissen]

Okay. Middle of the Pacific Ocean. Pacific Ocean takes up, like, half of the globe. It's huge. You should. With what I'm about to tell you. So Point Nemo is the loneliest point on Earth. Yeah. We're going to talk about it.

[Whitney Cummings]

I just. Let's go.

[Grace Weissen]

I'm furthest away from any, like, land anywhere you can get. And also, it's like this where however the current. I don't know how the currents work, but however the currents work, like, nothing can live there. The water is so, like, is the island. No.

[Whitney Cummings]

There.

[Grace Weissen]

It's just a point in the middle of the ocean.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's just like a.

[Grace Weissen]

It's just. There's no life, like, all the way down. It's 15, 000ft deep. You are closer to the International Space Station if you're at Point Nemo than you are to any land.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. And it's gonna one day decide to suck us all in there.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah. And good for it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Which is fine. I just like, everyone's like, space, space, space. I'm like, no, dude, let's write, like, we're all, like, in our bathing suits taking photos of this giant, sociopathic, dark.

[Grace Weissen]

Malevolent force nightmare full of.

[Whitney Cummings]

Full of things with knives coming out of its head.

[Grace Weissen]

Not to mention piss and so much piss. And in the ocean from humans and creatures.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's like NASA has only searched 5% of the ocean, which means 2%.

[Grace Weissen]

Right.

[Whitney Cummings]

Which means none of it.

[Grace Weissen]

Right.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know what I mean?

[Grace Weissen]

Look at the surface.

[Whitney Cummings]

But NASA was like, no, thanks. They're like, we'll go to space. Well. But, like, this is spooky. Next topic. Even though nothing matters. Hallmark Channel. The Hallmark Channel executive of programming Lisa Hamilton daily. I don't know, told Googler, told her staff that she did not want to cast old people in the movies, saying they did not fit with her image of the channel. And there's like, a discrimination lawsuit. I don't know what's happening. I don't look. It's like Holly Robinson, Pete, Lacey Chabert. They're 60, 40. Lacey Chabert is like, 42. Saying they were old talent. Here's the thing. First of all, why is our bar so high for the Hallmark Channel values? Yeah. Let's make a channel out of the most boring island cvs.

[Grace Weissen]

Like, I'm sorry, The channel that you turn on when you took an edible and got too high and need to be reminded that, like, other human beings exist.

[Whitney Cummings]

You mean the channel we watch when you forgot every one of your passwords?

[Grace Weissen]

Right.

[Whitney Cummings]

Hulu, Netflix.

[Grace Weissen]

Like when you're at a hotel feeling Sad.

[Whitney Cummings]

Also, why does a greeting card get a channel? Like, I can't wait to like. Like, was the. Did the Cough Drop channel? What channel is that? Like, hey, welcome to the. The Post vaporub. Like, it's not that the women on Hallmark aren't aging well. It's just. My thing is that the stories in Hallmark movies don't age well. Obviously, women over 40 should star in movies, but Hallmark, not on Hallmark, okay? It doesn't make much sense because the Hallmark storylines are like, not for women in their 40s. Hallmark movies are always like, girl goes home for the holidays and runs into her high school sweetheart at the farmer's market, and then we're. And. And then falls in love and gets married by a mall Santa. It's like every Hallmark movie is about a girl who goes back to her hometown for a few weeks only to fall in love with who her parents live in.

[Grace Weissen]

Nurse.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's it.

[Grace Weissen]

She's not meeting the love of her life. She's busy trying to get her aging boomer mom not to fall down the stairs.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, she's trying to get her name in the will so she can inherit the house and get out of debt. Like, Hallmark movies don't make sense for older women. That's not an insult, okay? It's a compliment. She's going home to make sure that the parents are wearing their life alert necklaces. If you were going to change the Hallmark storyline to actresses over 40, it'd have to. Would be like, cute woman leaves the city to return to her hometown. And she. She needs to send legal zoom paperwork from a Kinkos, you know, and there's no Kinko's left because it's a small town, so she has to send a fax. Uses her neighbor's house, okay? The neighbor happens to be her high school love, who is the guy that got her addicted to pills in the first place. He happens to be the only person in town with a fax machine because, plot twist, he's a drug dealer and he can't do business in a way that's trackable. Charm City girl goes to his house to finalize her divorce via fax. And one of his children, the mother being the local nightmare, Tina, bites her. Bites our leading lady. She bleeds a lot because she's 40 and she just started a new fish oil pill. That's a complete scam. I don't want to watch women over 40 and Hallmark storylines. It doesn't make any sense. Okay? Women over 40, they also. They can't be on Hallmark movies. They don't wear mittens. Mittens are for newborn photo shoots, not adult women at the pumpkin patch. Adult women can't wear mittens. Okay, we need our hands for opening Werther's Originals and pretending to be on the phone when a man is following us. I don't know. Maybe that's what happened to the female boat captain. She was wearing mittens.

[Grace Weissen]

Oh, my God. The thing just slipped right out of her hand.

[Whitney Cummings]

When women age out of the Hallmark Channel, I don't think it's prejudice. I think it is a privilege take the win. It's also. It's. It's ageist, of course. But this is where we should embrace AI. Just put Lacey Chabert's head in a 3D printer. Whatever it is. Make 50 movies about how she left Chicago to come home because her brother's horse got lost, so she had to go buy a gingham plaid dress and sleep in her childhood bedroom, which has not changed a bit. And then go back, you know, get back together with the lumberjack she went to Sadie Hawkins with. I could do this literally all day.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Hallmark movies require actresses who look like they still believe in love. Oh, okay. Actress over 40. I don't buy that she has any hope left. No woman in her 40s being like, I'm gonna go home to the farm and drink hot cocoa and meet my soulmate. That's a mentally ill person. That is a different movie. That bitch is coming home. Like, if you're in your 40s, you're coming home. Like, hey, I know we weren't a match and we never will be, but do you want to in this cup and throw some shmegma into a surrogate and see if we can have a kid to put a stop to this existential crisis we both live in? Like, that would be. It'd be like a 10 minute movie.

[Grace Weissen]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't want to watch a woman come home at 45.

[Grace Weissen]

I don't want to watch a woman. I don't.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't want to watch a woman get back with her childhood sweetheart at 45. That's my nightmare. Like, hey, I tried to find someone else.

[Grace Weissen]

It's so. That's so. That's so depressing. It's not sweet.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay, I guess I'll go back to the guy who fingered me behind an Auntie Anne's on field day. Like, that was the best. It was.

[Grace Weissen]

Oh, imagine it was him.

[Whitney Cummings]

This whole.

[Grace Weissen]

It's all been downhill from there.

[Whitney Cummings]

Literally, the only person who's ever loved you was someone with Stockholm syndrome because you both had acne and your braces gashed his scrotum when y'all got too drunk on Zima. Like, this is a bad message.

[Grace Weissen]

Also, I feel like the plot twist of every single Hallmark channel movie is like her dad is also Santa. The first of all, no, he's not. Second of all, the last thing I ever need to see in a rom com ever, whether it's Christmas themed or not, is her dad. Get him out of here. I don't want. No. Unless it's like the movie is Father of the Bride starring Steve Martin. I don't want to see her father. I don't care about that man.

[Whitney Cummings]

But there's got to be a reason for that.

[Grace Weissen]

Give him a Miller light and put him in a corner.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know why? It's every movie at the end of the day is a rom com between a girl and her dad. They're like, I know you found the love of your life that you went to prom with, but you know the. The one who really got away was your daddy. Like, it's just like what it's really like. And dad, dad, dad, Papa. Like, can we outgrow this thing where we're all in love with our dads?

[Grace Weissen]

Also, the mom in the movie. If there's a mom character in the movie, she's always like the evil hag who is trying to ruin this relations. And it's like, no. She sees that you're a successful 40 year old woman with a thriving business in Chicago and she's like, why would you move back to Lincoln?

[Whitney Cummings]

What?

[Grace Weissen]

She don't do that.

[Whitney Cummings]

The same mistakes I did.

[Grace Weissen]

No. You're gonna get a yeast infection from my son's dirt ridden nail beds. Don't do it. Go back. You own a condo, Lindsay. And she's the bad guy. Come on.

[Whitney Cummings]

Love you guys. Happy Halloween. We already said that. I hope no one said, yeah, don't ride elephants.