← Good For You with Whitney Cummings
Good For You with Whitney Cummings
Riots, Looting, Fire and ICE | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings Episode 293
00:54:13
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- [00:00]
Whitney Cummings
RIDGEFIELD, CT. On September 5th, I will be at the Parker Playhouse, two shows. So come see me after I get Lyme disease. During the day, come see my new Lyme disease personality. On September 6th, I'll be in Huntington, New York, Virginia. Richmond. I'm going to be there on September 19th. And then September 20th, I will be in Norfolk, Virginia.
- [00:18]
Pat
Action.
- [00:19]
Whitney Cummings
For those of you who have been here with us since the beginning of the podcast, you'll know we started with a table then. Then we moved to like a dining room patio table there for a while for no other reason than it was white. And I was told that a white table would bounce the light off your face and make me look less like the Grand Canyon. So we did that for a while and then we went to a horse thrown chair, which I loved. But I started realizing that I was super distracted on the podcast, like talking because my undercarriage was taking up half the. Like, I was just like, what? Like, it was just a, like an odd angle. So my camel toe is no longer the co host of the show, you guys. It is covered. And we have this gorgeous oak desk. Someone cut down a real tree so that I could sit here and ponder if the moon landing is fake. Do we even talk about Elon Musk and Donald Trump breaking up? I feel like I'm trying to keep up with everything that's happening, but that's probably completely old news by now. Look, Elon Musk and Donald Trump had a breakup. Louisiana is on fire, which means absolutely nothing shocking is happening and everything is business as usual. So there's nothing to report at this point. Honestly, nothing is happening right now in the news that an actual toddler could not have told us was going to happen. But look, we all, we have to talk about something, okay? And I have to take a break on trying to get justice for Shirley Temple so I can get more brand deals. So let's just, let's find something to be surprised about, okay? There's truly nothing less surprising to me than all the news that is in my feed on a daily basis. So we kind of just have to like, pretend, you know, that we've not all gone totally numb. So let's find something to be outraged about. And controversy is what gets clicks. And I put way too many people on payroll during the pandemic when I was taking edibles and I don't have the heart to take anybody off because they get health insurance from it and they're either very mentally ill, need the psych meds, or they're very pale and they need the dermatologist. So let's just need to find a way to monetize YouTube. And I'm not gonna start fights with Trisha Paytas or Candace Owens. Cause they scare me. So look, real quick, Elon Musk and Trump. Okay, I just. I'm. I know this was like a little bit ago, but I feel like we shoot the show on Tuesday to get it out, like Friday or Saturday, and then all the crazy stuff always happens Wednesday and we're like trying to, like, scramble. So Elon posts that Trump is on the Epstein. I love when people think that they're going to dunk on someone with some huge revelation, but it backfires because he doesn't understand that in America, we don't care if you're a criminal. We only care if you're a snitch. That's our own. That's our third rail. So he was like, donald Trump is on the Epstein list. He thought he was just gonna like, mic drop that. And we were like, wait, hold on, wait. You knew about this? And you only said something when he didn't wanna be friends with you anymore. So you were cool with it when you got to ride on Air Force One, but now you have a problem with it because Trump sent you back to Austin and not news, but also not news. Also, you own Twitter. You should have known that this is 90% of the posts on your. On your business. We all know this. Okay?
- [03:19]
Pat
Could have told me that.
- [03:20]
Whitney Cummings
I know. Totally. Are you grumpy that you have to go back to the comedy mothership Green Room where comedians are forced to laugh at your jokes? Yeah, that's. You have to go back to that now. You can't just be like, I'm going to drop a bomb about Trump and Epstein. You own Twitter. You could have leaked that a billion different ways where you wouldn't have gotten credit for the accusation. When anyone tries to be a hero. That is true. I'm like, what are you. What are you deflecting from? Like, Also, I've seen pictures of you with Ghislaine, my boy. Truly. People just started posting pictures of him with Ghislaine Maxwell. It's just like, what are you? Maybe it's my dyslexia, but when someone tells me some big piece of information, I don't even hear it. It's like, you know when you ask for directions and then the person starts telling it to you and you just can't hear them? You just like, go deaf. When someone tells me some big bomb of information, maybe this is my dyslexia. The only thing I can think about is what they aren't telling me. That's the only thing. Why are you choosing this? Why are you telling. Okay, Elon, you're telling us about the Epstein list. Fine. Why are you telling us about if they're aliens or not? That's, like, your thing, okay? That's your thing. Why not snitch about the drones over New Jersey? Of all the things you could have snitched about, why this one? Why this one? Epstein already said that Donald Trump was his best friend. When Ghislaine Maxwell went to jail, Trump said, I wish her well on camera. No one cares. The only thing anyone has ever heard Trump say is jobs. Nothing he's ever said has ever mattered except jobs. The only word you won't say without the word. Replacing robots to do yours. Okay? He talks about jobs. People want jobs. The thing you're trying to eliminate with your fleet of geek machines. Elon's whole thing is, I'm gonna go to the White House and I'm gonna fire a bunch of people in the administration that promised to create jobs. Huh? Trust me, I am all for, like, cutting out government inefficiency. Yes, we should do that. But I also believe the only person who could not locate inefficiency in a workplace is Elon Musk. He's truly the only person not qualified for the job of knowing what jobs are and are not needed. This is. The guy who looks at one of his female employees, is like, you should be pregnant with my kids now. She's like, I'm working. He's like, it's not a real job. I don't even think this is a real position. I just made it up so I could trick women into dating me. Like, this is not the guy that you want in any woman he sees at the White House. He's like, you should just be having a baby. She's like, I'm responsible for the radar at the airports. He's like, meh, let's get you some ivf. Like a billionaire who made a car that runs out of batteries, who giggles at himself for 20 seconds after being asked a question before he answers. Doesn't really seem like the expert on efficiency. But the thing that annoyed me the most is when he was like, we're gonna. We're gonna cut park rangers. We don't need park rangers. This is inefficient. No, you don't need park rangers, Elon, because you don't go to parks. Because if you're on that many hallucinogens, you're never not at Yellowstone. We have to go look at nature, okay? To feel joy. We don't all just put a computer on our head and pretend to be a warlock merman. Elon believes that we are in a simulation. To me, that truly should be the main qualification for why you don't get to decide what happens in the real world because you don't believe it's real. He's like, we should fire the park rangers. Wolves are real. We need rangers in Yosemite to protect us from bears. He's like, yeah, no, no, no. Wolves are fake. I've seen the real wolves. My friends are them in Silicon Valley. They're bringing back the Jurassic wolves yet. No, because your friend bringing back wolves because they can't get laid that are from Game of Thrones. That's not that, that doesn't, that doesn't apply to our lives. Most people, Most people, they, they don't want to get bitten by. Well, they don't want to be near wolves. Also, most people aren't on anesthesia all day so they'd feel the fangs ripping through their flesh. I know bears and wolves probably wouldn't want to eat you because your blood is chock full of medicine from Aubrey Marcus, but some of us are delicious. Okay, so we need rangers to handle the bears. All right? To have a man go into the government and say there are a bunch of jobs that don't need to exist. I feel like it just would have hit better with me personally if he wasn't the same guy replacing jobs with robots. No one thinks that was a weird coincidence. He's like, we don't need any of these jobs. Well, if you don't need any of the jobs, then why are you building robots to replace the jobs? Which is it, sweetheart?
- [07:55]
Pat
We need more desperate people spinning their wheels all day.
- [07:58]
Whitney Cummings
Yeah, like we don't need this position. We don't need this position. Then why are you building robots to take the position if it's not a position which it. Pick a lane, Elon. Even though your self driving cars will not. I've seen them in the street, wobbly at best. I mean, I guess like what would have happened? I mean the most evil trick trajectory would have been if Elon was like, I've been, look, we don't need all these jobs. You don't need all these jobs. You don't need this, you don't need that. You don't need all these people that are that fix bridges and maintain the Gas lines, since. Who care? They're fine. He's like, I feel like one robot could do all these jobs. The. They can. All government employees can all just go home. I have one robot who can just run the whole U.S. government. And we're like, okay, then who programs it? He's like, well, I do. We're like, why would we let you program it? You were on an episode of the Big Bang Theory, my man. I do remember being like, oh, he's probably good at math. It'd be good to have a math guy in there.
- [09:00]
Pat
I believe he did get in a fistfight on his way out.
- [09:03]
Whitney Cummings
That's sick. Now you're making me like him again. Don't do. Why'd you do that?
- [09:06]
Pat
I think it just got struck in the face.
- [09:09]
Whitney Cummings
I love that. People, when they start, like, texting with Joe Rogan, they think they can fight all of it. I've seen it. I've seen it. People, they'll meet Rogan, they'll get in his orbit, and then all of a sudden, they think they can fight. They think it's contagious or something.
- [09:25]
Pat
They think they've heard a bunch of theory fight.
- [09:29]
Whitney Cummings
They listen to one fight companion with, you know, Hulk. Speaking of special needs, or someone that can't figure out what anyone needs. Gavin Newsom. My main feat at the moment is just all about the LA riots and Gavin Newsom and how bad he is of being a governor. Now, I'm gonna say this as disrespectfully as I can. You guys need to stop treating him like he's the governor. He's not the governor. He's a podcaster. This is like when you guys are running around like, he's my boyfriend. He's not your boyfriend. You've been texting for two days. Here's the problem. When people talk, you guys listen. That's so 90s. Words are only used to manipulate. At this point, if someone's doing the right thing, they don't have to speak.
- [10:19]
Pat
Oh, did they say something?
- [10:21]
Whitney Cummings
If Gavin Newsom was doing the right thing, he wouldn't have to say, I'm doing the right thing. It would just have been done. You got to start treating politicians like your boyfriend. It's not. We're going like, hey, where were you last night, Gavin? Where were you last night? Tell. We don't do that with our. We go, Let me see your phone, Gavin, Let me see your phone. Do you remember this woman who. She had a pet boa constrictor, and she would sleep with it every Night. And it was like her friend. And the snake was her friend, but it, like, stopped eating, which is like. And she took it to the vet, like an exotic snake vet. And she's like, my snake hasn't eaten in five days. And he was like, oh, yeah? Well, he's saving up space to eat you because they. They sort of can ascertain their prey size and then they make sure their stomach is able to accommodate that size. That's what we're dealing with. Stop. Stop it. It's. It. There's riots in LA or not? Pat. Pat drove by. I drove by on Sunday night. I saw a bunch of police cars. I've been seeing videos of chaos. But then I. The news is like, it's chaos. It's World War 3. And then TikTokers are like, I'm down here. It's not that bad.
- [11:35]
Pat
You can go downtown and find an area that's not that bad and tell people it's not that bad.
- [11:42]
Whitney Cummings
But is it that bad? Because Pat drove by this morning and I was like, what's up? Is it chaos?
- [11:46]
Pat
It was like 7 o' clock in the morning. All these.
- [11:49]
Whitney Cummings
That matters.
- [11:50]
Pat
Certainly. Sleeping.
- [11:52]
Whitney Cummings
So it was completely quiet in L. A this morning. Even though there was a huge riot.
- [11:55]
Pat
Last night, they reset for tomorrow, so.
- [11:58]
Whitney Cummings
This makes it feel like a performance to me.
- [12:00]
Pat
Downtown is set up for demonstrations, and there's only a few blocks that matter. And there's City hall, the Federal Building, the courthouses, all the government buildings. And that's where all the demonstrations are supposed to take place. That's where the LAPD is.
- [12:18]
Whitney Cummings
They encourage demonstrations by.
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Pat
It's like an arena.
- [12:21]
Whitney Cummings
It's an arena.
- [12:22]
Pat
It's an arena for demonstration. And this one happens to be taking place in that arena. Like the Occupy Wall street was in that same three blocks.
- [12:30]
Whitney Cummings
Right, right.
- [12:31]
Pat
For months.
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Whitney Cummings
Right. So they've accommodated.
- [12:34]
Pat
It's a. It's a planned environment for public demonstrations and protests.
- [12:38]
Whitney Cummings
Okay. The walls are like NASCAR walls. They have like ads on the side.
- [12:42]
Pat
Yeah, exactly.
- [12:43]
Whitney Cummings
So it's like First Union bank, prime energy drink.
- [12:45]
Pat
Totally.
- [12:46]
Whitney Cummings
People like, how come there's not more media reporting on this? How come. I looked at the videos? I actually drove by on a couple of nights ago and there's tons of car. This is not that different of how L. A is normally. Okay. It's kind of par for the course of California. Looting, by the way, also is completely normal now in la. If there wasn't riots, that would be the news. The news would be like, hey, guys, everything going well here? Smooth sailing. Everyone getting along and nobody on drugs. Nobody is in a cult, no grown manner, making a show called Euphoria about teenagers having sex. There are no tunnels under Jared Leto's home. No. Nothing is on fire. And the CVS restocked on baby oil. Doesn't seem like it's being purchased very much. Everything's great. That would be news in la. Okay? I mean, looting is just truly normal. When we hear about looting in la, we're like, oh, okay. Some, like, Nepo baby's trying to piss off their dad. He got rejected from USC because they can't green screen them on the canoes anymore to pretend they're on a crew team or hire people to take their SATs anymore. So he's just got some time on his hands, like, because a lot of these, like, net bo, they can have whatever they want, you know, in life. So what do you. What do you do when you can have whatever you can buy whatever you want in life, you have to steal. It's the only thrill they have is to take something they can't buy so that they technically can't have it. Then they have to get arrested, right? And then the cops are like, you're in trouble. And they're like, but I was doing research for a role, and everyone's like, ah, you're a genius. Put him in a movie about stealing. I want to watch another person hide in plain sight. Then we'll give him an award for acting. The glitz, the glamour. Guys. As these temperatures start rising like that Toni Braxton song. That's very underrated. I just. I get that itch. Not there. Just like the mental itch to refresh my summer closet. I mean, I'm not gonna waste money, though, spending money on stuff I'm willing to wear one time. What are we, five? Quint has become my go to. Their clothes are timeless, lightweight, classic. They look way more expensive than they are are. And, you know, I picked up. I'm not a big dress guy, you know, but I gave birth, so pants don't. Pants aren't as comfortable as they used to be. So I'm experimenting with dresses. So they had this beautiful linen dress that I got because I'm just like, what? I'm just like, in Italy. No big deal. And then these sandals. I never thought I was a sandals guy because my toes are truly sickening. But only fans is a viable business. And now I'm wearing sandals. Okay, so $30 is how much this linen dress cost. Light, breezy, and not falling apart in the Wash, here's the thing. Quint is half the price of all of those similar brands because they work directly with the artisans. They cut out the middleman. You're not getting the. You're not paying for the model. You're not paying Scarlett Johansson to say bye. You know what I'm saying? Whenever I look at the price of something, I'm like, who am I really? Who? Who? Where is this money going? Charlize? Natalie Portman. Does Portman need another house? Can I just.
- [15:40]
Pat
You know, you're not paying for the AI licensing of Natalie Portman for the ad.
- [15:44]
Whitney Cummings
And people watching Quint's ad, and they're like, how much of this is Whitney getting? None of it. Look at me. Look. We just got a desk five years into the show. It's not fast fashion. It is smart fashion. If you're sick of overpriced brands that wear out after one season, upgrade your closet with quints. Go to quince.com Whitney for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's Quince. Q U I N C E dot com Whitney again. Quince. Quince.com Whitney me chubbies. Pat and Chris both got a pair of Chubbies swim trunks. You call them trunks, right? Yours had octopi.
- [16:17]
Pat
Yeah, I believe it's octopuses. Jellyfish or jellyfish. Jellyfi.
- [16:20]
Whitney Cummings
Same diff. But you wore them. And they were cute.
- [16:23]
Pat
They're great.
- [16:23]
Whitney Cummings
The liner saved your marriage.
- [16:25]
Pat
The liner is the best.
- [16:27]
Whitney Cummings
Tell me, I don't understand if guys are supposed to wear underwear under their jeans or they're built in the swim trunks.
- [16:33]
Pat
Swim trunks, they usually build in, like a lobster net. It's really painful. But not these Chubbies. They're like bike shorts underneath.
- [16:42]
Whitney Cummings
Nice. Okay, so it keeps everything where it needs to be when you're at the pool with other people's kids.
- [16:47]
Pat
Yeah, without snagging anything on the. On the fishing trap.
- [16:51]
Whitney Cummings
Okay, good. We love Chubbies here. It has a built in boxer brief liner. Okay. The prints are. I believe that every guy's swim trunk needs to be hilarious. It has to be a fun print to disguise, you know?
- [17:04]
Pat
I mean, imagine a serious pair of swim trunks.
- [17:07]
Whitney Cummings
Do what I'm saying. Like, guys, we're gonna go play Marco Polo. Okay. Chubby's is having its biggest sale of the year. $45 shorts and swim trunks up to 65% off. Select gear. Don't miss it. Head to Chubbyshorts.com Whitney if you missed the sale, don't panic. You can still get 20% off with code. Whitney at checkout, that's Chubby Shorts dot com. Whitney code. Whitney. Whatever you do, do not take a blue chew and go to the pool. Thanks. Okay, so when you were down there, Pat, did you see a lot of police officers?
- [17:36]
Pat
The four main on ramps and off ramps by Alameda downtown, they're blocked off, so you can't. From the highway, you can't get right to the spot. Those are the bridges over the highway where everyone's gathering and throwing rocks over the highway.
- [17:49]
Whitney Cummings
Well, I saw online D.C. people were like, how come the police didn't react fast enough? First off, firstly, the cops in LA aren't on threads, all right? My guess is they're not seeing all your social media posts saying, where are you guys? They, they probably got off social media during the pandemic, when every post was about how they should get defunded in LA. That's all it was in LA. All the actors who get paid $5 million a year to play cops on TV posted about defunding the real police. They were like, oh, I'm a grown man. I wear makeup for a living. I know how to solve the government. It's very hard to tell what's real and what's not. Like, when you see a chaotic scene in la, no one takes it seriously at first. In la, you see something that's on fire, is like helicopters. You're just like, oh, Logan, Paul's probably doing an IG live. Like, that's your first default. You hear guns and you're like, oh, maybe that's a new reality show where people have to shoot each other and whoever has the same injuries or soulmates, and they have to get married. Like fires in la. Oh, did a kid have a triple gender reveal? Where he now identifies as a girl? And an explosion, like, I don't know, probably. People are like, how come the news isn't covering it more? First of all, if you don't see something in the news that's on you, that's your algorithm. You. You don't read the news. You know what I'm saying? The algorithm literally works for you. Your algorithm is this, like, unctuous servant, and you're like this queen. The algorithm is like, would you like more of this, Your high name? More. More of Justin Bieber acting erratic, sir. Here's more. Would you want to. Would you like to look at that shirt again? I think it would look great on you, sir. What about now? What about now? You said it might rain tomorrow. Here are some options for umbrellas. What about this one? Your Niece's birthday is coming up. How about this Scooter? You listened to an Ed Sheeran song this morning. Just wanted you to know he's here in concert in eight months. No. Fine. I'll remind you again tomorrow. News people are like, how come they're not covering it more? Who? Who? Who's gonna cover it? The journalists. No one's covering the riots for the same reason no one's riding horses on the freeway. Because that's not how anyone gets around anymore. Journalists aren't covering it because there's none left. Am I the only sober person? I'm wearing a pink shirt with a pink tie and a pink ocean behind me, and I'm the most sane person in the city. I can't do all this sober if you guys are all going to be on drugs, okay? And if you cannot change when you get new information, why is everyone's like a. Like a Southern belle now? Who gets the vapors every time something happens? That's not surprising at all. Like, oh, where are all the journalists? Any real journalists right now are not available to cover these. Maybe. Maybe not riots. Because they're all either at the Diddy trial or doing ayahuasca to cope with the fact that the biggest journalist on TikTok right now is the one that got bullied by Blake Lively. You work so hard to get respected as a journalist. Oops. Turns out being disrespected is actually what gets you clicks. Whoops. Y' all were going for the Peabody. Turned out you just needed a mean girl actress to insult you, and that's it. Who. When someone in your lane gets big off something like that you never even saw. Like, I wouldn't even have thought of that. Then what? I guess a bunch of journalists did go down and get shot with plastic bullets. So I'm sorry that happened, and I hope no one's actually injured. But also, why is your hair down at a riot? Your hairstyle tells me how not a big deal. This is a journalist. Like, this is a big deal. Then why are you wearing a helmet? Why did you just go to the dry bar and blow your hair out and do a lot. You know what I'm saying? Also, if you're to be a journalist, that doesn't mean you get to be in the way. The police are like, can you get out of here, please? I'm not gonna die saving your life because you want a book deal about how brave you are. Journalists don't know. Someone's got to tell them. Why does it always have to Be me. Why do I always have to be the person that tells people the truth about themselves? Journalists don't understand how much people don't respect them. Like, journalists going down to the police where there's, like, a riot. What did they think was going to happen? You thought everyone was just going to put their weapons down and bow, like, oh, my. Oh, look, the people who told us to stay inside for three years are here. Let's protect them at all costs. I went to school for journalism. I truly did. I thought I was gonna be a journal. Annenberg School of Communications. And then I went and I interned at a news station. Unpaid, of course. Unpaid intern at a news station. And I was like, this is mental. I was like. I would literally just be like, should we cover, like, how DuPont spilled chemicals in the water supply in West Virginia? And they'd be like, we're owned by dupont. We can't do that. And I was like, wouldn't that be an even better store? Well, that means you have access to all the proof. Like, that's even better. Shouldn't we do something? Have you guys seen Aaron Brockovich? Am I the only person that watches movies? I'm trying to put aside my personal stuff with journalists right now. There was a journalist that recently spent two days with me and then did a piece that was a page and a half, and she spent the whole time, like, kind of trying to imply that I'm a conspiracy theorist. Like, it was in response to the CNN New Year's Eve thing. This is what journalists do now. They try and undermine the people who are braver than them by dismissing them as, like, grifters or conspiracy theorists or whatever Journalists are. Like, I'm going to interview the person who did what is supposed to be my job and find a way to discredit them. She implies that I'm a conspiracy theorist because I said, the two presidential chefs drown. Weird. And they weren't just Democratic, either. One of them worked for Bush as well. So it's not like I'm trying to take a side or anything about, like, certain sides. Chefs disappear. One of them worked for Clinton Ambush. And then one of them worked for Obama. Fine. She looked at me like I was insane. And I was like, don't you think it's weird that two chefs drown? I mean, maybe I'm wrong. Like, do it. If someone did a piece on, like, this is how common drownings are. Because I know that when you're in the upper, upper echelon, you do die weird ways, like skiing and snowplow. Only rich people die that way. So maybe it's like a way that, like, rich people die. I don't know. So I'm. Or execute their shifts or that maybe. Can a man say it? If you see, when you say it, it sounds like news. When I say it, it sounds like I'm like on my period. Then she googled it and she was like, oh, I didn't know that. And I was like, honestly, I think at this point we should all have to take tests and get some kind of grade or mark that makes it so you can only talk to people who have done the same amount of reading and education that you've done. Because we all have so much access to information. And if you don't know something, it's no one's job to teach you the thing. We should have stickers on our shirts that show how much you've looked into trying to understand the world. And if you're not in my echelon, you don't even get to talk to me. Okay, circle back when you have the green sticker. Circle back when you're at the moon might be hollow, and I'll talk to you. Like, if you're not up to date on all of, like, the company's bills Gates has put money into, you don't get to talk to me because then I have to tell you. And I sound crazy because the truth is so crazy now that I sound insane. Also, you don't even try to get proof anymore. Journalists are trying to compete with, like, this news cycle being so fast that they just do sloppy stuff. Now. This happened to me this week. Someone very famous said something wild, wild about me. Also something very instantly debunkable in an interview last week. Like one Google. And you can easily see that it's untrue. And. And the journalist wrote, Whitney declined to comment. Me declining to comment? Is that even a what? In what world would I decline to comment on anything I got? My reps were like, oh, yeah, they emailed at 3 o' clock. I was filming Bill Maher. And then they put it out at six. So I didn't. They gave me three hours. And I was doing so on a workday. I was like, this is journal. You think this is journalism? Like, after the CNN thing, all these people, like, ran articles without even reaching out to me, asking me, like, hey, what did you mean by that? Anything. Like the Daily Beast, dude, the Daily Beast ran a story. Just saying, like, Whitney's a conspiracy theorist. She's unhinged. Something like that. And here's my thing. I'm a dog with a bone, you guys. The Daily Beast is owned by a company that is now. It's called iac. I took a gander because why not? And after, if you're gonna write an artless trash piece on me without even giving me the option to comment, like, let other people decide if I'm crazy. Let me give a crazy comment and then put it in. Fine. The IAC board of directors. I don't even think I could say it. It seems like a lie. It's written right there, but it seems like a lie. Chelsea Clinton is a director of what? No one thinks. That's weird. With what qualification? So she got a doctorate in philosophy. First of all, if you study philosophy and get a doctorate, whatever that even means, and then decide to work for a corporation, there's something wrong with you. You've learned every philosophy on life, and the one you picked is the one where you work at a corporation, a glass office where you can't even pick wedgies, and HR is going to lecture you if you play R. Kelly at the Christmas party. That's the one you chose of all the philosophy, you studied Buddhism and all the stuff, and that was it. I know this is a tangent, you guys, but this is an important rabbit hole. Did you know that this is. In 2011, NBC hired Chelsea Clinton as a special correspondent to be a journalist. Chelsea Clinton got to be a journalist out of nowhere, okay? With her only credentials being that her dad got to run the world for a while. Shouldn't that be the one thing that means you shouldn't be able to be have any influence in any way or speak truth to power? Okay? She's like, my dad was the president, but I want to speak truth to power. Just yell at your dad. You can do that. I did not have time to look into Chelsea Clinton's journalism and interviews and stuff, but I made time. I made it. Okay? Henry can go be with his nanny. Chelsea Clinton was a journalist in 2013, and did she interview the geico gecko? Yes, she did. Did I watch this interview? Yes, I did. And I would like to pronounce here on this show, which now has a wooden desk, that that is when journalism ended and why people trust comedians on drugs now more than any news network. There is an interview of Chelsea Clinton interviewing the geico gecko. Pat, are you listening?
- [28:36]
Pat
Did she expose the geico gecko?
- [28:38]
Whitney Cummings
It was. He's naked. He's always naked. The geico gecko is always in the news open book. If Chelsea Clinton is Doing a journalistic piece on anything and doesn't open with Ghislaine. Maxwell was at my wedding. I have some tea, then I quit. Okay. I know. I'm all over the place. I do think it's important that you all know that this is about the riots and the protests here. It's just. I don't know. I don't know what's happening. And I am in a existential crisis where my brain is like, you gotta go down there yourself. That's. That's. This is how bad it's gotten. I'm like, I just gotta go down there myself. Okay. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Whether you're trying to learn how to get over your speech impediment, whether you're trying to build your brand, whether you're trying to launch your podcast or sell your comedy merch. Comedy merch. Guys, we were just. Come on. We were. We. We were making so much progress. Squarespace. And you had to throw that in the merch for your skits. Squarespace makes it so easy. I. Okay, our site is on Squarespace. Chris Cole just started building a site on Squarespace. And we actually had a really funny fight about this because he's starting his new, like, I almost said surfboard skateboard brand. And I was like, no, they do domains also at Squarespace. I'm right. And we went to the podcast and I played the ad from last week and I was like, look, he's like, sold. I know. And I was like, proof you don't listen to the podcast copy. Okay, so Squarespace is genius, but it has this offering services feature. You can, like, list your events, you can take bookings, you can send invoices, and you can even launch an email list and like an email campaign all in one place. Go to squarespace.com whitney for a free trial. Kris Cole. Hey, Chris Cole. This is literally just for you. Go to squarespace.com whitney for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use Code Whitney to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, squarespace.com Whitney code Whitney. Hey, Chris, you're on the pod. What did I tell you? Squarespace has now domains.
- [30:45]
Pat
Checks out.
- [30:46]
Whitney Cummings
You can get. It's a one stop shop. Thanks. Let's be real. If your credit's not great, everything feels like it's stacked against you. Your car, your apartment, your job. I mean, Mikey's credit is a nightmare. And he just went to Germany for some reason. So I don't know. I don't Know I don't know what the solution is over there. That maybe he didn't know that Kickoff was a thing. Kickoff gives you a credit line designed purely to build credit so you don't have to go to Germany. Like my filmer. Kickoff reports to all three major credit bureaus, and they target the key factors that affect credit fast. They diversify your credit mix, they build payment history, they improve utilization. These all sound super important. It's five bucks a month. Don't be an idiot. No fees, no hidden scams, okay? You just sign up on your phone. Takes two seconds. No credit check. And if you can't, if you want to cancel, do it anytime. This isn't a cult. You're not here forever, okay? And if you're paying rent, Kickoff can help you build credit off of that, too. So start building credit on Kickoff today. Get your first month for just a dollar. Go to kickoff.com. whitney, you guys got to get your credit in order. I'm not. I'm gonna skip the copy now. Okay, so here's the deal. With credit, you have to use, you have to build it. I didn't have credit by the time I was starting. My credit was terrible. So I was like, well, I'm just not gonna have a credit card because I just don't want to have the debt. And it's like, no, you have to, like, pay it off. Right? And I also. Look, did I go to the emergency room a couple times with a tooth issue and then sprint out so I didn't have to pay the bill? Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Did I get my wisdom tooth removed in Philadelphia and just. It's fine. If you get into teeth, you gotta know the bills aren't always gonna be. Getting paid to pull teeth is like. Is pulling teeth. You. You of all people know what it's like to pull teeth. Okay? If you think you're pulling teeth is hard, try getting the person with the tooth pulled to pay you for it. So I think we just got that bill done. Unclear. Look, you must sign up@getkickoff.com Whitney to activate the offer. Other offer. Replies to new customers. First month only, subject to approval. Average first year credit impact of 84 points based on users who started under 600, paid on time, and had no new delinquencies. Individual results may vary. Journalists job was to make a fake crisis. That's what the news used to be. Remember? Is there arsenic in your drinking water? We'll tell you after the break. That was their job to just scare you that's not a serious person. That's. That's a person who's trying to. To keep you scared and afraid enough to watch through the commercials. Traditional news used to just be debate you into watching ads because the ads is the show. We're just the filler in between the ads. Right? That's what TV was. So it was journalist job to scare you when nothing was wrong. But now things are wrong like most things are wrong. And they don't even know where to stop start. These people don't know what to do when something's actually scary. But Tiktokers, they have no ability to feel fear. They have no amygdala left. Okay? These are the new journalists. They will, in a heartbeat, fall off a cliff taking a selfie. Okay? That's who you want downtown right now. That's who I trust. They got so many likes jumping off a moving boat and an exploding a firework in their mouth that that riot is a welcome day off for them. These are the brave people. They will love nothing more than to get shot by a plastic bullet, because that is for you. Page content right there. Tiktoker News. I don't know. These people are motivated, right? Because they also know. They actually know their window is closing. Journalists, real ones, quote, they don't. They don't understand. Most of the news on Tik Tok now is just AI influencers. There's already a whole documentary about the current riot narrated by Clint Eastwood, came out before the riots even started. It's at Tribeca. Three AI journalists have already been shot and died in the downtown riots. They've received purple hearts. Catch up, you guys. Also, you know me, though. I'll always find a silver lining in anything that is my kink. There's some great news here about these riots or whatever's going on. They are burning Waymos.
- [34:42]
Pat
Mm.
- [34:43]
Whitney Cummings
And I think we need to just take the win there. The national guard is going in to protect the rioters who are burning the Waymos.
- [34:49]
Pat
It's a victimless crime.
- [34:51]
Whitney Cummings
Thank God there's no water in LA to put out these fires. These are ones who actually want to burn. They would have to make a deal. They'd be like, look, you can burn one American flag for every ten waymos you burn because taking jobs is anti American, and that's what Waymos do. So actually, these cancel each other out.
- [35:07]
Pat
You know, you can only light the flag off of Flamingo.
- [35:10]
Whitney Cummings
Yeah, Waymo. I can see why that would be kind of annoying. The people that immigrated into this country to Just drive Ubers and drive cabs are just like, yeah. So we came here to drive you guys around for very little money, and you'd rather have a driverless car that can be hacked at any time and drive you off a bridge than have a conversation with someone from another country? Whenever I'm on tour and they actually have cabs at the airport, I always take the cabs. I get so much more information. I'm just like, oh, like, that's. Like, that's where the actual news is. Okay, I will get through the migraine that the cologne gives me because I'm actually getting news. But that said, I don't. Flag burning is that. That bothers me. That bothers me. It is legal, though. Burning an American flag, first and foremost. It's just, like, hacky, like, oh, oh, what? You're gonna, like, give America a noogie? Like, okay, cool. Burn the American flag. I've always had a thorn in my side about disrespecting the flag in other ways too. And I love bringing up something that gives me the opportunity to talk about something that's been bothering me truly for years. And here it is. So in addition to don't burn the flag because that makes you a dork, I think we can also call it on the American flag bikinis. Just hear me out, okay? If you're gonna be mad about people burning the flag, maybe don't also put the flag on your bleached butt opening while you do a body shot off your cousin in Lake Havasu. Now, does no one think this is disrespectful of the flag? Also, I actually think this is oddly more why don't put your butt on the flag. Okay? Fourth of July is coming up, and I have been dreading this. I literally dread Fourth of July because of the American flag bikini situation. This is the time when we all go to Target. We get our American flag bikini that is not made in America. We squeeze that flag, made of polyester, ironically the most flammable fabric, into our crevices and put it on our oiled up jugs, hoping that this American flag bikini will end up on the floor of some newly divorced guy with tattoos boat race, which for sure is not his boat. It's definitely not his boat. It's never. No man's boat has ever been his boat. Okay? So I did check with a friend of mine who's in the military about how he feels about American flags being worn as bikinis. And this is his response. He goes, I wrote this is an Insane question, but wanted to ask someone in the military how they feel about American flag bikinis. He said, not that insane of a question. It's like how we use the flag in general that is insane. Like bikinis, T shirts, hats. You don't see many other countries slap their flags on anything and everything. It's sacrilegious, as they say. But man, do I find an American flag bikini hot.
- [37:45]
Pat
It's one of the most American things you can do with a flag.
- [37:48]
Whitney Cummings
Well, here's what I'm saying. And I'm not saying that people can't wear what they want. I just feel like that we should entertain that there may be a certain consequence for this. Can we just for a second think about the idea that maybe the fabric of America is being pulled apart because the fabric of our American flag bikinis and board shorts are covered in white cloth in Victoria's Secret body shimmer. How can Mexico respect our flag if we wear it on our Taco Grande? I don't know. How will other nations respect our flag if we use it as a bikini that we wear upside down? Because that's a thing now. I don't even. I couldn't even keep a bikini on when it was the right way. Another conversation for another day. We expect everyone else to treat our flag as sacred, but we're giving Temu our hard earned debt to make crop tops for our Vegas weekend with Tiesto. Is all I'm saying is that I just feel like we don't have much of a leg to stand on. We don't want other countries to desec our flag, but then we wear one that's made by God knows whose kids. And I don't mean that in a bad way, by the way. I can think of nothing my son would love more than to work in a factory. All my kid wants to do is a repetitive task with a machine and make something. Okay, I totally get why they thought that they were hitting two birds with one stone with that idea. I'm just saying I'm happy to be wrong. Maybe wearing an American flag bikini, that's how we show how free we truly are as Americans in this country. We take our symbol of freedom and we put it on our hoo ha. Then we dry hump strangers and that symbol of freedom goes inside of us. Then we get a UTI from that American symbol of freedom rubbing against our birth canal with microplastics. And then we buy a candle from Gwyneth Paltrow and we go to the TikTok shop and get A suppository. And we tell our boss, we can't come to work today because of that uti. Even though we work from home, we say, we can't come in today because this is America, okay? Other countries take their symbols of freedom. They put them in museums. They forbid them to be used on clothes or disrespectfully. You can buy an American flag rolling paper. You can roll joints with the American flag. You can find American flag toilet paper. You can buy that here and not go to jail. All right, While I was thinking about this podcast, I was like, oh, my gosh, should we just, like, take it a step further and like, like chatgpt, like a Statue of Liberty sex toy, like, as a joke and. And it exists and it's for sale there. You can buy a Statue of Liberty sex toy. What says liberty more than the ability to pleasure yourself with a symbol of freedom and then throw it in your bedside drawer with your Ambien, your Wellbutrin, your blue true, and your gun? That is America. We respect nothing and nobody, not even ourselves, and we are free to do that. We take nothing seriously except maybe the super bowl and maybe Mike Tyson. You can wear an American flag bikini. You can, and it's cute. I've done it. I didn't do the bottoms. It felt wrong, but I've done it. And as soon as I went out to the lake, I was like, bummer. As soon as I went out, I was bummed because the wrong people talk to you. You really get the wrong people talk. It really does, like, send the bat signal to guys with ankle monitors and barbed wire tattoos to come holler at you. But that's another conversation. So you can wear them, but it's like free speech. There will be an aftermath if. If you get to say something protected by the First Amendment, someone responding saying, that's wrong, you're an idiot. No, pandas are not fake. No, they do not spray paint polar bears. They get to say that too. So it's not really speech that's protected. It's a conversation. I feel like we should say it more like that. It's a conversation. It's a back and forth. That's free speech. Doesn't just protect good, brave opinions, you know, it also protects morons who can't stop running their mouths because they're addicted to negative attention. It also protects your co worker who calls women females. It also protects your cousin who thinks the moon is hollow, which I really would like to speak to him because I am intrigued by this theory. I am nothing if not a moon buff. The point is, you might just be doing it the same way that trolls want to troll and just exercise their free speech. Sometimes we just do it to make sure we can do it right. So I think we all just have to break the cycle in the arguing. So I'm going, why is he wearing American flag bikini? Cause he can. Cause she can and we can. And I need to stop complaining about it. We're literally at the point where we are all arguing with each other Just. Just so someone will fight. Just. We just start. We don't know how to just have a norm. We just want to get fought with. That's it. That's the only way any of us have proof that we exist. Remember in Ex Machina, when he. He takes the razor to see if he's a robot or not? That's. That's what we're doing. That's what we're all just doing. That's how trolls know they're real. If someone responds, hey, I hate you. You're an idiot. If someone responds back, no, I hate you. You're an idiot. I'm an idiot. Which means I must be real. That's how we're all just trying to figure out if we're real. I just thought maybe we could all experiment with not wearing flags on our tramp stamps for like a week and just seeing what happened. Let's just see if people from other countries stop burning it. Should we just see? Should we just try one fourth of July, Okay. Where no one wears American flag thongs and just see if other countries stop starting cults here and making skittles that make teenagers go bye bye. Should we see? But then again, do what you want. We're free to have self respect if we want. Freedom is all or nothing. That's a problem. If you want to fart on the flag, you should be able to fart on the flag. But also, you're free to buy one of the other 2 billion bikinis that exist. I'm free to overreact if I want about this. I mean, we are also the same species that overpays to go on a plane and sit in a tube of other people's farts. Capitalism just means everyone's getting farted on. That's kind of the deal. As you shop for your outfit for the 4th of July over these next couple weeks, I implore you, what do I do? I ask you to consider maybe picking something else, like a camo bikini. You know, like mock. Mock the soldiers instead, I Don't know where the Chinese flag. See how that goes? That can be fun. Converse Taiwan flag. I don't know. I don't know. Was anything Pat is then Did I say anything Totally ignorant this episode.
- [43:52]
Pat
The only thing that I think is. Is missed in all of this is that facts. Well, to start, yes. No. Okay, so during the shutdown years ago, Pandy. During the pandemic, a lot of the young people got really bored and started stealing cars and doing street takeovers. We did that intersection.
- [44:17]
Whitney Cummings
We've always done that, though.
- [44:19]
Pat
Basically the. The culmination of it is the car either hits somebody and maims them or has a malfunction and it stops and then everybody jumps on the car and smashes it, Destroys it.
- [44:31]
Whitney Cummings
Sure.
- [44:31]
Pat
And this is like a nightly occurrence.
- [44:33]
Whitney Cummings
I have a weird question. Is it being filmed or not?
- [44:36]
Pat
Constantly.
- [44:37]
Whitney Cummings
Okay, so there's filming.
- [44:38]
Pat
So there's hundreds, if not thousands of young people in Los Angeles that are regularly going to these, like, terrifying events.
- [44:47]
Whitney Cummings
But is it a performance? When we egged houses, we weren't filming it.
- [44:51]
Pat
These are the same people in the riots doing all that. Getting all the good footage and then getting all the good.
- [44:56]
Whitney Cummings
They have a recurring role.
- [44:58]
Pat
Yeah, they're doing. It's the same groups that are doing the street takeovers. So, okay, then getting hit by cars with their camera in their hand then.
- [45:06]
Whitney Cummings
You'Re making me that are going to.
- [45:07]
Pat
The riots with the camera in their hand.
- [45:09]
Whitney Cummings
Are you saying they're like have been paid to do this and they're looting.
- [45:12]
Pat
With the camera in their hand? No. If you want the good journalism, the criminals are getting all the good footage already and putting it on the Internet.
- [45:22]
Whitney Cummings
So is there an argument to be made that they are the journalists?
- [45:24]
Pat
Yes, that's the joke.
- [45:25]
Whitney Cummings
You said that an hour ago when I was trying to say what you said you were on a roll. Was I? Was I? So is that kind of the takeaway that there's chaos? That wouldn't necessarily happen if it wasn't being filmed. Just to. What are they getting out of it? Besides being young and chaotic and that's like fun at that age. Are they getting money? Are they posting on their own socials and getting money?
- [45:49]
Pat
They were getting Instagram famous and making money off their footage on Instagram. But Instagram made a very specific effort to demonetize and shut down channels that were just posting street takeovers.
- [46:00]
Whitney Cummings
Because it's. It's exacerbating and promoting street takeovers.
- [46:03]
Pat
Exactly.
- [46:04]
Whitney Cummings
But it's also what's. Well, it's the thing with this, it's like, okay, so let's say we went to the moon. Fine. And then how do you get footage of going to the moon at that time is impossible. And they go, well, let's just stage footage. Okay. So I'm also uniquely qualified, I feel like, to be interested in this topic because when I got proposed to, I was engaged. And when my ex fiance proposed to me, it was up in Topanga where my horse was. And there was a photographer hiding in the bushes to take pictures to get that moment right. And Jason Momoa happened to be jogging down the street and he saw our engagement photographer, thought it was a paparazzi, and was like, what do you get out of here? And. And the photographer got scared. Cause Jason, it's Poseidon or whatever. And so, yeah, I get proposed to. It's his magical moment. And then the photographer's like, hey, I didn't get it. Cause Jason Momoa just yelled at me, like, could we just basically stage it? Basically do it again? And I was like, I don't know if I can recreate that moment. So we just kind of shot, like kind of tried, but it was like, this is. So if something really did happen, but the proof of it is staged, is that lying? I don't know. So if the footage of the moon landing was staged because we didn't get it, are these riots really happening and the footage is staged? Or are the riots in the stage footage the same thing? Or is it just staged?
- [47:36]
Pat
If you want to see the real crazy footage of the real things that are happening, find the people that are tied to these street takeover channels. They're the ones running into the Michael Jordan store while they're looting it.
- [47:51]
Whitney Cummings
The Michael Jordan store?
- [47:53]
Pat
Oh, yeah, people are.
- [47:54]
Whitney Cummings
There's a Michael Jordan store totally asleep.
- [47:56]
Pat
Behind the wheel downtown. Obviously the rioters are going to loot the Michael Jordan store and the Apple store.
- [48:01]
Whitney Cummings
I didn't know there was a Michael Jordan store. Hold on. If you're looting the Michael Jordan store, this is a completely different conversation.
- [48:07]
Pat
If you're trying to catch criminals that are rioting downtown, obviously put cops inside the Michael Jordan store and the Apple store so that when 300 people run in to loot it, you just shut the door. And now you've got everybody.
- [48:19]
Whitney Cummings
I love the idea of stealing like 500 phones in the Apple Store and no chargers. And you're just like, just all tracking. They're all tracking devices, all trackers. That is so funny. Anything you steal from the Apple Store, you're just telling them where as soon as you turn it on, they know.
- [48:35]
Pat
Where you are the dumbest.
- [48:37]
Whitney Cummings
So fun, but also like, no chargers. Like, why did anyone. Stealing chargers isn't glamorous, but it's like, well, no, no, I need a dongle.
- [48:44]
Pat
But the journalists don't stand a chance of getting a good shot of anything because they're not invited to the crazy stuff that's happening. But the people who are are certainly filming it.
- [48:55]
Whitney Cummings
I don't trust anyone that lives in Los Angeles that's doing anything that's not acting. Because everyone came here to be actors. So when they do their second choice job, they're still trying to act. Like the homeless people in LA are always the most dramatic. Homeless people, like, may I have a dollar? Like, because they were trained in like Shakespeare and they're like, may I have a two bits. You're like, what? So it's like even the rioters, like, wanted to be actors. Like anyone that's like, well, some of.
- [49:23]
Pat
Them, I'm going to guess more than not are people who grew up in L. A. There's a demographic of 17 to 25 year olds that are, that have been regularly smashing cars with their heels every night for four years.
- [49:37]
Whitney Cummings
Waymos or cars.
- [49:38]
Pat
The street takeover cars.
- [49:39]
Whitney Cummings
Because like, when I look at like the Chicago, Chicago and San Francisco are both like sort of jumping on now. And it doesn't look as well choreographed as the LA ones. You know what I trust, I'm just like, I'm trying to take inventory of what I trust. And you know, drone footage, like when I saw the Chicago like march and I saw drone footage, I was like, that feel. I can see a lot. I feel like these people don't know they're on camera. They're not like, trying to, you know, make it more dramatic than it is or, you know, being selective about what they're showing to just show the drama and not like the context of all of it. Like, I like a drone shot. Why are there not more drone shots of downtown? And why isn't there just like a live stream? There's a live stream of an eagle's nest that I have on it pretty much all times. And there's a polar bear that I watch live. We can watch the Ukrainian war pretty much live. Why can't I just see a live feed of what's going on downtown so I can ascertain whether this is as chaotic as it's.
- [50:32]
Pat
I think you need to find a hacker that can hack into the security cameras downtown that'll show you the street view.
- [50:37]
Whitney Cummings
I'M just going to go down there myself. That's literally at this point, I would say mask up. No, I looked at all. I looked at every news outlet before this. I looked at all the footage I could. I looked at TikTok. I looked at Instagram. And what did I do when you walked in? I was like, what did you see? I literally only want to know what a first person account at this point. I trust my friend who drove by more than I do, looking at everything and trying to piece it together.
- [51:04]
Pat
There's a lot of people out there, and what they want to say is that there's no destruction, no violence down there. So when they're filming themselves walking as a protester, when it's peaceful, that's what they're posting.
- [51:18]
Whitney Cummings
The looting isn't always like, let's protect immigrants. It's like this chaos is happening and we're just going to take it.
- [51:24]
Pat
Yeah. They don't give a.
- [51:25]
Whitney Cummings
They're not immigration. The looters aren't giving the immigrants the phones they need.
- [51:29]
Pat
They don't care about immigrants.
- [51:31]
Whitney Cummings
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [51:32]
Pat
They're there because it's another. It's a street takeover that has a bunch of free help and distraction. And anybody who's breaking into the Apple store to steal a tracking device, it doesn't have a political statement to make.
- [51:50]
Whitney Cummings
Right, Right.
- [51:51]
Pat
They're just there for the mayhem.
- [51:53]
Whitney Cummings
Here's one thing I will say about, like, Los Angeles right now. No one's talking. Like, it's not. It doesn't feel like it's happening.
- [51:59]
Pat
The theories that you have about social media influencers and why they go to Coachella is the same scenario for why many people are going down to the demonstration because they need to get footage of themselves participating in the demonstration.
- [52:15]
Whitney Cummings
It does kind of feel like the backdrop of certain people's reality show on their social media.
- [52:23]
Pat
They have to participate with the people blowing up the cars to get the footage.
- [52:26]
Whitney Cummings
All right, well, then I'm just going to stick to the causes that I know are real, which is that elephants are being abused and so don't ride them. We can all agree. We can all agree on that. We can all agree on that. That is something I will use my platform. That is the only cause that I.
- [52:43]
Pat
It's the only cause I will rob an Apple store for.
- [52:47]
Whitney Cummings
It is the only cause I know has no shady fake element. I know it. I know circuses are bad. Zoos are bad. Don't ride elephants. Stand by that.
- [53:00]
Pat
You should join the demonstration. And your sign just says, don't ride elephants. You're bricking a cop car.
- [53:08]
Whitney Cummings
I'll never. I'll never. That is my as the only cause I trust at this point. Bye.