Taylor Swift and Travis Kelcie Heal Our High School Trauma | Good For You with Whitney Cummings 304

Summary

Good For You with Whitney Cummings Ep 304

Title: Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Heal Our High School Trauma
Release Date: August 30, 2025
Host: Whitney Cummings
Guests: Pat (co-host), Chris (Whitney’s boyfriend, special segment)

Overview

In this lively and comedic episode, Whitney Cummings and her co-host Pat (with a guest appearance from Whitney’s boyfriend, Chris) take a deep, satirical, yet surprisingly earnest look at why Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s engagement has captured America’s imagination. They explore how their union symbolizes the ultimate “prom queen meets prom king” fantasy, why Taylor Swift has become a touchstone for generational healing, and how their public love story taps into collective high school trauma. Whitney uses the Swift/Kelce relationship to riff on everything from the ridiculousness of celebrity worship, to gender politics, to why fathers love Taylor Swift, and what it all says about us.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Addictions, Ancestral Trauma & Emotional Resilience

• Rambling Opener: Whitney and Pat riff on coffee addiction and avoidance behaviors, segueing into a bit about custom Nikes that Pat got Whitney which say “ancestral trauma.”
• On Haters and Emotional Interpretation:

  “I am now emotionally dyslexic in the other way... I watched your special and I didn’t like this thing. I’m like, you watched my special. Thank you. A stream’s a stream, homie.” (Whitney, 01:50)

  • Whitney makes fun of taking negative feedback as a positive.

2. Hollywood Work Culture & Blood Bank Tangent

• Work in Comedy vs. Normal Jobs:
  • Whitney bemoans the showbiz culture of constantly asking, “what are you working on?”, contrasting it with real jobs.

  “No one talks to waitresses like, ‘So what are people ordering these days?’” (Whitney, 03:52)

• Construction Worker Existentialism:
  • Long comedic tangent about being a construction worker on a blood bank.

3. Royalty Weddings vs. Taylor Swift’s Engagement

• On Comparisons:
  • Whitney draws humorous parallels between excitement over royal weddings and celebrity engagements:

  “Why is it okay to be into royal weddings? Watching inbred people make horses stand there for five hours while everyone has, like, a cactus on their heads?” (Whitney, 09:20)

• Defending Taylor Swift:

  “If you’re not happy for Taylor Swift, it’s you. It’s you. I will now divide people in two categories…” (Whitney, 08:45)

  • Humorously asserts that the only two kinds of people now are those who are happy for Taylor and those who aren’t.

4. Healing High School Trauma: “Prom Queen Energy”

• Swift/Kelce as National Therapy:
  • Whitney proposes that the Taylor Swift/Travis Kelce wedding gives America a chance to collectively re-live and heal high school wounds.

  “Prom queen, prom king got together. This is going to heal us as a nation.” (Whitney, 11:38)

  • Explores why “prom queen” archetypes are so psychologically charged, especially for women.
• On Ageism & TV Casting:
  • Laughs about 40-somethings playing high schoolers on TV, calling it “radical feminism.” (13:09)

5. The Challenge of Female Success in Dating

• Why Travis Kelce Is the Perfect Partner:
  • Examination of the limited pool of men available for ultra-successful women.

  “Successful women have to date men who are as successful as them and men who can’t be emasculated… You just can’t, although I do have a theory that guys are okay with women’s power and money as long as it’s inherited.” (Whitney, 16:30)

  • Compares failed celebrity couples where the woman became more successful.
• Funny Calculation:

  “If a guy is 5’5”, every million dollars he has adds an inch of height.” (Whitney, 27:00)

6. Gender Projections & Celebrity Hate

• Taylor as Projection Screen:

  “Taylor Swift has become this, like, vector of our projections. And what we project always tells us more about ourselves.” (Whitney, 30:10)

  • Discusses the psychology behind hate or obsession with celebrities.

7. “Pencils Down”: Quitting Self-Improvement

• Therapeutic Fatigue:

  “I’m done healing. I’m done. Cured. I just—pencils down. This is me.” (Whitney, 30:41)

  • Argues that endless self-work is its own trap.

8. Taylor Swift as a New Religion

• Celebrity as Spiritual Surrogate:
  • Whitney jokes about being “in the market for a religion,” considering Taylor Swift a top candidate because she’s relatable and a “try-hard.”

  “Try-hards are back. They’re my people.” (Whitney, 37:15)

• The Spectacle of Church:
  • Decries loss of pageantry in religion (“mini mall, like Temu nightmares... Religion is poor now!” 38:36)
• Riff on Priests & Scandal:

  “Talking to kids or nobody. People no one will believe or nobody. You have to be such an egomaniac that we think you’re too busy for us because you’re on the horn with God.” (Whitney, 41:00)

9. Taylor’s Image & Merch Strategy – Retro Coolness

• Old School Tactics:
  • Praises Taylor for marketing tapes instead of just streaming, forcing people to seek out tape players and connect physically with music.

  “If you want your friend to hear the song, you will put it in a boombox. You will put it on your shoulder. You will walk to their home. This is what religious leaders do.” (Whitney, 46:26)

• Creating Scarcity in an Age of Abundance:

  “She knows how to create scarcity at a time of abundance. She knows that if you can have everything, you truly want nothing.” (Whitney, 50:00)

10. Haters, Gender Dynamics, and Public Discourse

• On Women Not Talking:
  • Satirical advice:

  “The biggest mistake women make is we talk... Why say anything? What is there to say at this point?” (Whitney, 33:50)

• Taylor as Mirror:
  • Taylor draws out insecurity and misogyny from others; the hate says more about the haters.

11. The Dad Segment: Taylor Swift as the “Safe” Role Model

[60:00]

• Whitney’s boyfriend Chris and Pat talk about the anxiety of being a dad at a concert featuring hyper-sexualized pop stars vs. Taylor Swift’s shows.

  “When going to other artists’ shows... you basically, Tate McRae’s coming up…” (Chris, 61:25)
  “I’ll be at the merch stand... You watch the show where you’re twerking on a guy and deep-throating a microphone. I’ll be out here getting your merch.” (Whitney, 62:05)

  • Discussion of how Taylor is uniquely “safe” and wholesome for fathers and daughters.
• On Generational Wholesomeness:

  “It was such an amazing production that you see it, you’re entertained, and then there’s another channel in your brain that’s going, man, this person worked really hard... you had to really work for this.” (Chris, 58:49)

  • Taylor’s success seen as earned, not given.

12. On Pop Stardom, Female Role Models, and Future Trends

• Why Taylor Endures:
  • Her relatability, avoiding ‘male gaze’, maintaining classiness, and providing a safe, empowering model for young women.
• Fathers and Awkwardness:

  “When fathers and daughters are hanging out alone, which happens so much now because divorces are king... To be able to have a [Taylor Swift] song come on... that’s as good as it gets.” (Whitney, 60:40)

• Dads on Defense:
  • Humorous hypothetical: Dads at pop concerts should wear Daft Punk helmets so they can't see or hear provocative content. (67:06)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Streaming Hate:

  “A stream’s a stream, homie. A number’s a number.” (Whitney, 01:54)

• On Public Projections:

  “If you don’t like Taylor Swift, it’s you. If you don’t like Taylor Swift, you’re dumb.” (Whitney, 32:15)

• On Scarcity and Merch:

  “She may be the only person in entertainment trying to get people off their phones.” (Whitney, 46:12)

• On Healing Trauma:

  “We will only heal when we go back in time to high school, the last time we thought life was going to work out.” (Whitney, 10:41)

• On Female Ambition:

  “Try-hards are back. They’re my people.” (Whitney, 37:15)

• On Gender and Celebrity Dating:

  “Guys are okay with women’s power and money as long as it’s inherited. If she earned it herself, it’s, like, too unattractive.” (Whitney, 16:30)

• On Taylor as Dad-Friendly Music:

  “Taylor Swift makes it so three minutes of, I could just, as someone that had to sit in the car with my dad... all I wanted was to just have it not be awkward.” (Whitney, 61:25)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• 00:00–04:25: Banter on addiction, negative comments, life in entertainment
• 04:25–07:40: WeWork tangent, rich people’s business ideas, Whitney’s stand-up tour plug
• 08:36–11:38: Taylor Swift engagement riff, defending her against haters
• 11:38–16:30: National healing via “prom queen energy,” high school trauma, miscast TV teens
• 16:30–20:39: Dating as a successful woman, celebrity relationships, how men process powerful women
• 30:42–32:15: Pencils down on self-improvement, embracing flaws
• 33:50–37:16: Taylor Swift/Blake Lively “mafia level” engagement post, women and talking, media manipulation
• 37:15–41:00: Try-hards vs. cool kids, Taylor Swift as a modern religious icon
• 46:09–50:00: Taylor’s merch & analog media as communal magic/nostalgia
• 57:25–68:38: Dads on Taylor Swift, father-daughter bonding over pop, safe concert spaces

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Tone & Style

This episode is rapid-fire, irreverent, self-deprecating, and peppered with absurdist tangents and cultural references. Whitney's style blends genuine insight with wild, hyperbolic analogies and frequent callbacks to her own therapy and self-improvement journey. Pat and Chris act as foils, grounding the conversation at key moments.

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The Takeaway

Whitney Cummings uses the pop culture phenomenon of Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s engagement as a springboard for a far-reaching reflection on collective trauma, gender roles, celebrity worship, generational divides, and—above all—the healing power of simply rooting for someone else’s happiness. Taylor Swift’s “prom queen” ascension, Whitney argues, gives society (especially women) the unique opportunity to heal longstanding adolescent wounds by choosing to support, not tear down, the winner. And along the way, Taylor’s example, approach to fame, and classiness even offer salvation for awkward dads at pop concerts worldwide.

Transcript

[A]

Pat.

[B]

It's because I was thirsty, you silly goose. I know. I've been fine all day.

[A]

You've had no coffee today.

[B]

Yeah, well, I'll get a really bad headache if I don't.

[A]

Yeah, it's called an addiction. Yeah, Pat has a flaw. Pat's not perfect. I'm not the mess around here. I'm actually not addicted to coffee. I'm not. I, I. Every morning I have a different thing.

[B]

Yeah, I think you're addicted to having at least five within arm's reach at any given time.

[A]

Yeah, I don't. I'm not picking an addiction. I have. I have my. I. I'm avoidant with addictions. I. My. I am not loyal to an addiction.

[B]

Catch me if you can.

[A]

I will cheat on addictions with other addictions. I will gamble with my addictions. I think ultimately it's a game. Most of our addictions boil down to a gambling addiction. Did you know that?

[B]

I agree with that.

[A]

But my avoidance of ringworm trumps my actual gambling addiction, which is why I don't actually gamble in, like, casinos.

[B]

That's where you get ringworm.

[A]

Seeing that one woman in a diaper at the slot machine, I was like, ah, yeah.

[B]

I couldn't imagine you looking at a slot machine for more than three seconds.

[A]

I don't know what certain things in my brain stick. And I don't know if it's your ancestral. It's fine. Trauma. I'm wearing my ancestral trauma shoes today. Pat, that you got me, he got me custom Nikes that say ancestral trauma. And he tries to mock me with gifts. And I go, I don't see the mockery. I just enjoy them. Okay. I don't see it. Like, I am now emotionally dyslexic in the other way. Like, when I see a negative comment or someone's like, I saw your dad, but I didn't like that. I watched your special and I didn't like this thing. I'm like, you watch my special. Thank you. A stream's a stream, homie. A number's a number.

[B]

I have your attention.

[A]

Thank you. Like, thank you. And you, like, found my profile and you made it. Thank you for the engagement. But the things that stick with your brain, like, can't some things in your brain just never be unseen? And other things, you're just like. That didn't bother me at all.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, the image of the woman in the diaper at the slot machine. I don't know why, but that, like, haunts me. She, like, wouldn't get up to Go to the bathroom and. Yeah, so she just wore a diaper. I don't know if it's just because it's plagiarism of my future self and I should call a lawyer to send a cease and desist or if I just, like, saw my future for a second. But like, certain things stick with me. Like, another thing. It's like an intrusive thought. Like the other thing, a blood bank. Like, if I start thinking about a blood bank, like, it ruins my whole. I have to cancel everything because you're.

[B]

Thinking about drinking all that blood and.

[A]

How blood in a building full of blood. Yeah, I can't. Like, I can't. I just. Something about that makes me need to.

[B]

I just think about how it's air conditioned and nice and cool and not going bad.

[A]

But what's the generator situation? What if there's an earthquake? Like, all the people that had to work on that, that, that are like, what do you build? What do you. The construction worker for the blood bank, like, so how was your day? What'd you do today? Do you think that, like, because in my business, the most toxic thing and common way to just open any conversations like, so what are you working on? Like, no other business you don't go up to like a doctor and like, so what are you working on? What are you pushing these days? What are you seeing the joint guy? Like, tell what, what. What are the latest joints?

[B]

Yeah, they're just like, huh, huh.

[A]

Like, no one. We're the only business that actively asks about anyone else's job because we're trying to, like, fish for information or opportunities.

[B]

Well, as soon as you finish a job, you're now out of a job and you need to be working on.

[A]

No one talks to waitresses. And like, what are people ordering these days? And like, how's it going? Do you like, write down on a pad? Are you like, you just got it?

[B]

Yeah. What's your pos like, what's the.

[A]

What were the specials this week? Like? We don't.

[B]

What were the special. If you have a friend who works at a restaurant and you see them and be like, hey, what were the specials this week?

[A]

We're the only job that does that. But just imagine being a construction worker, like, working on. Those are the people I want to ask, like, what are you working on? Oh, this blood bank downtown to. So tell. Tell me everything. What's. What's it made? Is it. Is our plan. Is it different than most buildings?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How, why? Who. Like, what's. How do you do this? Differently than the. Just the other apartment complex. Do you know the blood's going. When do they know blood's going into the. Is the building built? There's a blood bank built. Knowing it's a blood bank, I'm just.

[B]

Hoping it's close to the hospital.

[A]

Or do they take over a building that's already been built? Like a. We work and they're like, ah, that guy, like, what did he do? I don't know. He's like, started a cult. What was. Is it amazing how we just forget the wework guy? I don't remember.

[B]

It sounded like a big deal at the time.

[A]

He, like, worked too hard. What was this? What was the problem?

[B]

He raised a bunch of capital to basically buy office buildings and rent out office space.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

On a short term basis.

[A]

Smart.

[B]

Like a Airbnb for an office.

[A]

Great.

[B]

And he raised tons and tons of money and then everybody had to work from home. So kind of.

[A]

So what's wrong with this? Why did he get a documentary?

[B]

A bunch of rich people lost a lot of money. So that.

[A]

So he's a hero. Yeah, so he's an American hero.

[B]

Well, when. When you lose money like that, like, it went somewhere.

[A]

Rich people, okay, rich people are not allowed to invest in companies that are for not rich people.

[B]

They don't know I'm investing in a company that makes other people go to work.

[A]

Like, yeah, like, how do other people work? Like, don't they just want to go to a build because they have such crappy home since they live like in an actual cockroach? Like, they're going to want to leave their. Like, I love when rich people brainstorm about what people who aren't rich need in their life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, like, why would they want to work from home? Their homes are all like, gross. Full of products we make, not we work.

[B]

You work. Yeah, I'll invest, you work.

[A]

I'm going to make even more money off of you working. Not only are you going to work for me indirectly because three corporations own anything, but you're also going to work in a we work that I invested in for me. So you work for me twice. Yeah, you make me twice as much money this way. Genius. Gosh, wish I thought of it. So, guys, I didn't think of that idea. So I have to go on the road instead. I don't get to work from home because I picked a job where I come to your town and try to make you laugh at all costs, emotional and otherwise. I'm truly breaking even at this point because I Have to spend so much money on bringing my son and my filmer and going to every aquarium within the vicinity. So. So come see me in September. I'm in Connecticut. Two shows in Ridgefield. Bring your ticks. We should have. Instead of, like, a security tick jar. Yeah, we just, like, open everyone's, like, crevices and butts before they come into the show. And then I'm going to be in New York, in Huntington, New York. And then I'll be in Baltimore, and then Norfolk. I was trying to get Chris, my boyfriend, to be able to say Norfolk yesterday. He could not do it. It's like, Norfolk. I'm like, no, Philly. It's Norfolk. And. And then Richmond. I'm coming to Baltimore. I'm coming to all the places. So come see me on tour. Added a bunch of shows, and the meet and greets are now scheduled. I used to just do meet and greets from the stage, but, I mean, it was just. It was. There were fights happening. There was just too much going on. So we're doing now scheduled meet and greets, and this way you're actually to get good photos, and you can actually meet me afterwards, and you can actually come say hi. You know how this works, guys. Okay, Pat, tell me to shut up already.

[B]

It's showtime. Action.

[A]

Can you say shut up to me?

[B]

Hey, shut up. That was a real one.

[A]

That was so nice.

[B]

I wasn't acting on that one.

[A]

I do well with shut up. When someone says shut up, I'm like, thank you for giving me permission to shut up. I don't take it as an insult. The same thing with the B word. I'm like, yeah. Yes. If you think I'm. That I'm doing something right, I'm drawing a boundary. I'm not responding to you. I'm not. Yes. Because at this point, people perceive if you're not fake, you're a B word. So when someone calls me that, it just means I'm. Thank you. Yeah. Not fake. Thank you.

[B]

It's a badge, Pat.

[A]

Now you shut up.

[B]

Copy.

[A]

Because Taylor Swift is engaged.

[B]

No comment.

[A]

Yeah, duh. Duhicky. Did you say duhickey?

[B]

We did. Doy, doy.

[A]

Na doi. Nadoy. Na doi. Dude. Those were the original memes in the original. Like, just na doi, dude. I am so happy for Taylor Swift. I did just miss the desk with my elbow, and I do not care. What? Can we all just be happy for her? To me, this is. Everyone's like, society's dead. It's the apocalypse. This is. I didn't think that till now, the fact that people are being negative about Taylor Swift getting engaged. Like, who? Why not? You know what? If you're not happy for Taylor Swift, it's you. It's you. I will now divide people in two categories. People that are like, Taylor Sweat, why isn't she using her wedding money for Syria? Like, what? No, no, no, no. Look, we're happy for. We're happy for her, okay? We're happy for her. We're not going to find the thing that's going to justify us complaining and being a victim about this woman getting married. Remember when a billion people watch the Kate Middleton wedding and the Megan Markle wedding? Like, that was normal? That was okay? No. No one self made there. No one did much except wore pantyhose for, like, 24 hours at a time, which is a difficult thing to do. Okay, like, why is it okay to be into royal weddings? Watching inbred people make horses stand there for five hours while everyone has, like a. Like a cactus on their heads, you know, do you know that the reason Siegfried's tiger dragged him off stage is because there was a woman in the second row with, like, a beehive hairdo? You know, should I just start doing podcasts just from the point of view of the animals witnessing it? Because I don't understand how humans react to things, but animals I understand very clearly. Like, when looking at English, you know, pageantry, cosplay, hoedowns, literally all I can think about is the horses. The horses are just like, why are you wearing a dead bird on your head? Even we know that's not to do that. Like, we don't even do that.

[B]

It's like an office job for a horse compared to what they could be doing out in the wild.

[A]

Yeah, they're just like, so we're not allowed to go out in the wild, but you just put the corpses of our friends on your head. Like, imagine how psych you're just wearing a raccoon to a wedding. Why is that fox like, on your neck? Like, of course they're gonna sit there and be like, just do what they say they wear our friends. Sometimes people just need to be dominated and alpha. I'm going to just be your. Your happiness dominatrix. We're happy for Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. We're happy. This is good. This is happening. Royal weddings. That's what was weird. Not just because Kate Middleton and Prince William's lips don't match. I can't move past it. That's when you know Something's up. She's beautiful. He's handsome. Fine. I mean, I just, I love a man whose hairline is further back than mine at this point. But the point when a couple's lips don't match. I can't, I can't. You know, hers are like very thin. His are thick. I'm just like, this doesn't. This is fake. How does it even work? All I ask is that the money that I give to the government, hoping, hoping it will go, you know, to, I don't know, an unhoused hobo so they don't attack my son with a rat. Not go to sewing a thong into a Valentino wedding dress for a Nepo baby that we thought that was okay. Taylor Swift is engaged. And we're gonna, we're gonna follow it. We're gonna like it. This is as good as it gets. I'm telling you. Prom queen, prom king got together. This is going to heal us as a nation. Listen, because we are going to go where? Let them. Mel Robbins to Goggins Robbins. All these self help people love language. None of it is. None of it cons. Fine. Placebo effect in the back. That's not what's going to heal us to our core. I. Gurus, shamans. No, no. We will only heal when we go back in time to high school. The last time we thought life was going to work out. We're going to go back and pretend we're in high school to heal our high school traumas and embarrassment and do the it over again. Like Peggy sue got married. Was that, is that what that movie was about with Kathleen Turner when she was like 50 and she played a teenager? And we were like, yes. We talk about ageism in Hollywood. Like, like there are women in their 50s. They've never been on television ever. Yeah, they were on television. They just played teenagers. Okay?

[B]

There are a lot of 30 year olds in high school.

[A]

You know how aggressive that is. Greece. Everyone's truly 45 playing TD. No one talks about the fact that we, we literally would cast someone that was 40 and be like, yeah, she could pass as a 16 year old. That's radical feminism. We talk about ageism of here, dude. Kathleen Turner had like two kids and she was playing a kindergartner. Let's just, let's not forget that. Okay? 902 and 0. Gabrielle Garteris. She was truly 40.

[B]

Oh, yeah. She looked like a TA or like.

[A]

Yeah. But she, they were like, she's like, I just got my period. Everyone's like, cool, like What? Okay, there have been women in their 40s and 50s on TV. They just played high school students for some reason. So. So here's the thing. Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift, they are going to give us the opportunity to redo our prom all over again. All right? We're going to. We're going to face our demons. We're going to go back to the thing that broke us, and we're going to heal it by being happy for them. All right? No one normal, one prom queen. Okay? And we still hate women because we didn't win, right? Every woman. I think that, like, subconsciously there's like, probably prom queen, she was prom queen. She's like, even if you don't know, I feel like the first thing you should ask a woman was like, hey, were you prom queen by any chance? No. Okay, cool. What? So what's good here? Like, I think we all assume we are the losers of prom and all the other girl. I think that's where like, mean girls nest comes from or something. Mean girls, I mean, they're so. It's so ridiculous. It's like, I didn't win either. I'm brunette. Of course I didn't. What are you talking about? Like, every girl just needs to open with that because I feel like this is a. This is a deep trauma that has led to like a, like a super dark misogyny between women, but also probably with men and women too, because if you didn't win prom queen and your date didn't win prom queen, she's like, I just want to go home. Then add insult to Rugburn, someone is chosen as the prettiest and the most popular and the most charming. It's a popularity contest. I mean, this makes the People's Choice Awards seem like a week at Hoffman. Sorry, that is so funny to me. Hoffman. That's literally a good rose joke for like five mental health podcasters at their corporate event for athletic greens. Hoffman is this like, it's like a week long thing that like psychopaths go to to try to like, heal their childhood so that they can continue psychopathing. It's like a codependence workshop and you're not allowed to have a phone or anything. And you, I guess, role play with other people and they like, play your parents or something? Allegedly, dude. If Hoffman comes for me, like, I will. I will go to court against a mental health facility. Taylor Swift is the world's prom queen or just America's, I don't know. And we get to heal and not be Chosen and be okay and support the person who was. And we can see that even the prom queen wasn't perfect. The prom queen not being perfect. This is gonna heal us because the whole thing is, we're. I think our whole life is like, I gotta win prom queen. I gotta win prom queen. She looks so happy. She's so beautiful. Her life is so great. No, it wasn't. She had athlete's foot. There was a lot of things going on back then. She used Johnson and Johnson baby powder like the rest of us. And that is not alleged. I am accusing you. See you in court. I really wanna go to court, don't I? Taylor Swift had, like, eight guys cheat on her. She was booed at the Super Bowl. Her best friend was Blake Lively, who made her watch a movie about domestic violence where the abuser got to meet his baby at the end of the movie and not go to jail, which was supposed to be the happy ending. And she had to go. That was. This is so good. She had to. She really had to be like, this is. You should release this. This is healing. This is. This is healing. Taylor Swift getting married. This is like. Remember Carrie, the movie? Carrie at the end of the movie covered in blood. This is like if Carrie had, like, Bob and weaved. Travis and Taylor Swift. You need to get on board. We need actually more couples like this. We talk about, like, representation in the media. Like, this is actually the representation I am behind. Successful women with duds that you can't represent that. It doesn't work. It sets a bad example of, like, when you. If you get really successful, just, like, you know, look, I love Princess Bride as much as the next person, but that never would have worked in real life. Let's just be. You just can't. Although I do have a theory that. That guys are okay with women's power and money as long as it's inherited. If it's like a princess or like a. Like a heir. But if she earned it herself, it's, like, too unattractive. You know, successful women have to date men who are as successful as them and men who can't be emasculated. Women. Women have tried. Doesn't work. It doesn't. It doesn't. Britney Spears tried to be with one of her backup dancers, and look how that turned out. With her dancing with knives in her living room, with hair extensions from Petco and a new gap in her teeth. Brand new. None of these work. And it's giving women and men. Frankly, this, like, bad example of, like, no, I can Just. I can just date that CEO woman. It would make my life so much easier. I can just go, like, film myself at the gym and start my protein powder line, because there are not enough of those. And it gives women the impression I can go get really successful, and I'll just, like, date that farmhand. No, you won't. Okay, Halle Berry. Okay. Think of all the. Think of all the relationships where successful women tried to just date a guy. And Halle Berry and that guy JLo and some guy. I think Julia Roberts actually married some guy. And it did work. JLo had some famous guys that didn't even take Mark Antony, who was her equal, but, like, in other countries. But he was, like, shorter and thinner than her, so it was like, never gonna work. Like, famous women just can't date some guy. They just. The guy can't handle it. And it's not fair to show to guys like, yeah, you can date the head of the company when you're the end. This will work out. No, it won't. Call your mom. Figure it out. Make her apologize. Remember when Gwen Stefani was with Gavin Rossdale? Mm. Because she. Her band opened for his band. I may or may not have gone to three or four of those shows in Roanoke, Virginia, and Richmond and Baltimore. I think it worked. It worked. Gwen Stefani was with Gavin Rossdale for 14 years, and then she blew it. She started getting more famous. He liked her. When she said, I'm just a girl. He's like, I love her. This is my soulmate. We're getting married. But then she was like, wait a minute. I'm in my 30s.

[B]

You're the girl.

[A]

She was like, maybe I'm not. Maybe. Maybe I'm more than a girl. Maybe I'm a woman. After she had her third baby, she was like, maybe. Maybe I'm a woman. And Gavin was like, oh, brother. Oh. And then Gwen Stefani had a come up, and he didn't want to come back down from this cloud. She got on the Voice. All right. She got on the Voice, and I can only name, like, three Bush songs. I'm not trying to be mean. It's just that I guess he allegedly had an affair with the nanny after that, so. You're on limits, dude. Sorry. Affair with the nanny. Cool. Yeah.

[B]

Lazy.

[A]

Cool. So, yeah, you're. You're not loyal and you're lazy. Like, you won't even leave your house. You're gonna cheat from home. Like, I work from home. I also will. I will cheat from home. You love the adoration you got from Someone that you pay. This is everything I need to know about this person. So you're gonna take the fake attention from the person you pay? Still would rather that than having Grammys in your living room won by someone else? Like, I just, every morning I wake up, it's a Grammy. That's not mine. Okay. Someone who is around your children proved to have bad judgment. And for you, you just let them keep hanging out with your children. Sit. If you're going to cheat with the nanny, then you have to fire them because you have to. You have horrible like you can't be around my kids because you cheat. You cheated with me in my own house. When it comes to quitting nicotine support matters, Quit with Jones combines discreet FDA approved nicotine mints with a behavioral support app to make sure quitting is easier and more effective. The mints come in 2mg or 4mg strength, determined by the quick online quiz using the same guidelines that doctors follow. You simply let the mint dissolve between your gum and your cheek. You have fresh breath. You do it even if you're not quitting. A lot of you out there, halitosis heads, you need to pull it together. Quick relief from cravings and no chewing required. I don't have time to chew. Like, who's got time for that? I'm slammed.

[B]

What am I? Retired?

[A]

I love, I love that the big selling point is like no chewing sold. The free Jones app goes beyond tracking. It offers progress logs, daily tips, and even Quittle, a one minute game designed to distract you until your cravings pass. Studies show that digital support can increase quit rates by 40%. If you're ready to take a step towards quitting or even just cutting back, check out Quit with Jones. Visit Quit with Jones.com Whitney Take the free quiz and get 10% off your personalized quitting journey. Quit with Jones.com Whitney thanks to Quit With Jones for sponsoring this episode. The mints contain nicotine, which is an addictive chemical. Jones is FDA approved and available for those 18 and older. Let's talk bathroom upgrades. Good wipes are flushable plant based wipes that leave you feeling fresh and clean way beyond what toilet paper can do. They're 40% bigger and stronger than the average wipe, they don't tear, and they're designed to break down safely after flushing, which by the way, never happens. You know, these like wipes. I had this plumber come to this like rental I was at and the plumbing was like jacked and everything was flooding and he's like you're. Are you flushing your wipes? And this guy just like yelling at me and I was like, no, I don't like no. And he's like that. He just went on like a tirade towards wipes. And I guess whatever he posted on his Reddit, this company heard it loud and clear. They will not clog your twa lat. Each wipe is ultra soft, lightly scented, not perfumey though. Aloe, chamomile, vitamin E. What more do you want? Rose water, water shake, cocoa smells, botanical bliss. Make it easy to find your favorite vibe to wipe. That or anywhere. I use it under my armpits because I am a sweaty animal. Good Wipes is giving away free wipes. Want to try a free pack? Just buy a packet. Target, Walmart, Kroger, your local store and head to goodwipes.com Whitney text them your receipt and you're gonna get reimbursed for the one that you bought at the Target or the grocery store near you. Love this. Goodwipes.com WhitneyGoodWipes because buts they deserve better. In men's heads, they are already Gwen Stefani, so they can't marry actual Gwen Stefani. Then they have to see reality and see that they are not Gwen Stefani. Half of men believe that they could land a plane if they needed to. So Taylor Swift dating other musicians. They all thought they were her. She's like, no, no, I'm me. And they're like, ah, plot twist. Now I have to come to terms with the fact that I'm me and not you. You did this. How could you do this? Now I have to go cheat with someone who makes me feel like you because you're you and not me. You can't date or be friends with someone who thinks they're you. Half of guys under 30 years old think we're in a simulation that would never have happened if women were not in the workforce. As soon as women started getting, like, powerful, guys were like, this is fake. This is all fake. This is how it has to be, okay? And Taylor Swift, she only had, like, three choices of men who, who, who. Just be happy for this person. This is going to be the greatest, like, example and study of human nature kind of in the history of time. Who. Who else was she gonna date? Who else? Who?

[B]

I don't follow football very closely.

[A]

Who could she date that she wouldn't emasculate?

[B]

I had never heard of this person before.

[A]

Travis Kelsey. Well, that's. That's dark. That's very dark.

[B]

Pat, can you name all of the quarterbacks in the NFL?

[A]

No.

[B]

How is he different?

[A]

But I think, to me, I think Travis Kelsey was kind of Taylor Swift to football fans in a way. But like your Chiefs, I mean, if you're Chiefs, it's a big. Well, I would say also more like.

[B]

How do you pick if you're. If you're going to date football quarterback without being introduced to any. All of. How do you pick one? It's. Oh, you just happen to meet the. That.

[A]

This is a tricky one. Okay, so I see what you're saying, but okay, this is going to be. Get ready for some math. So in terms of like, what. What's the word like success means? I think that it. And fame. Travis Kelce is not as famous as her globally, worldwide, whatever. He's obviously is huge in, like, football. But there's other things, things that count towards quote, success. Like, Tom Brady wouldn't have been a match because then she would have. There's too many exes. Do you know what I mean? Travis Kelce, I think part of his, quote, success is having been a big football player without any public scandals, which would have been like, negatives. Does that make sense? Like, he had a successful. He has an ex that I think sometimes comes out and like, is just like, nasty. I don't know. I'd like to hear a side of the story, as always. But, like, there's a purity to him. And he's like a farm dude. And he has like a mom who's on social media and he has a brother who plays for the Eagles. Like, it's just like. It's like a couple other things that in my brain made him equal. Like, you know, when a guy is short, my theory of, like, if a guy is 5, 5 every million dollars he has adds an inch of height. It's like these intangibles that sort of made them equal. Does that make sense?

[B]

Yeah, but I mean, just on. On paper, how is. How is he that much more interesting than these other quarterbacks?

[A]

Oh, I see. Just in terms of what. Well, I'm saying, like, who else could she have date? I'm not even talking about football. Like, I'd be like, if she was like, who should I date? Like, like, who's not going to be, like, intimidated by. I'd literally be like, Vladimir Putin maybe. I thought about this. I'm like, who is she going to date? Watching all these amazing famous women, like, guys be like, I don't know. Seems like a lot. I guess I kind of like. Because every guy thinks that they should be, I don't know. But like I was like, I cannot watch this woman not find a husband because then I have to date women again and I can't listen anymore. Fiona Apple.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

My man. Capacity.

[B]

There's an interesting equation where if, if women want to date up in general, the more successful they are, the smaller the pool becomes to choose from.

[A]

Which by the way. But the pool's always small. This is the other thing. It's already a small pool. Like of just say you're not a famous woman. Not a famous man. The chances that you're gonna get along with one out of every one to just get along with someone. One out of every like 50 people, maybe 5,000. Great. By the way, I love making up statistics. And they, I'm like, that's true.

[B]

Somebody made a calculator.

[A]

And then add into that how many you get along with but are also attracted to one in.

[B]

There's a calculator in the world. And you can talk to somebody and ask them like give me, give me your top five preferences in who you're looking for.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And they'll say age, height, job, like how much they make, whether or not they went to college.

[A]

Maybe scar on the face. Necessary.

[B]

And most people are looking for 1 out of like 3 billion insane in the world.

[A]

Insane. That's like when people are getting the relationship didn't work out. I'm like, yeah, I know. And they're like, how'd you know? I'm like, cuz. Why would it. What are the odds when we get in elevators with people we try to disappear. Most people are like, we have no business even talking to, much less dating. What are the odds that that person that you ran into it senior frogs as your guy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or that you're his. Like, what are the chances?

[B]

Well, the big, the twist at the end of the calculator is after they narrow it down to like a reasonable pool size, they're like. And then this group of people that fit all these stats, typically about 90% of those people are already married.

[A]

Yeah. Because they're, they're people that believe in monogamy. So if you also want to date someone who believes in monogamy, they're married. You don't want your daughters and your sons seeing that it's not going to work out if you date someone more successful. And you don't want your daughter seeing that if it doesn't work, if she has everything. But if this doesn't. This is good, this is good news. Okay. And I'm not trying to say this like, I'm some kind of, like, feminist. Like, all you incels need to go read Brene Brown. I don't care if you are listening to a female comedian talk on a podcast. You're a radical feminist. Even if you truly hate everything I'm saying, like, Hate Watchers favorite deserve a purple Heart. Even if you hate me, just also know I do want your. I want your validation. So you're in the right. I'm on your side because I pathetically still want you to like me. So the promi issues are big. I think Taylor Swift has become this, like, vector of our projections. And what we project, I think always tells us more about ourselves. Obviously. Okay. When we need to, like, heal. I personally am done healing. I'm done.

[B]

Oh, solved.

[A]

Cured. I just. Pencils down. There's a point where you got to go pencils down. This is me.

[B]

Yeah. If you. If you spend your whole life trying to heal you, you don't get to reap any benefits.

[A]

I just am, like, the. I. I think all the things I want to change my. About myself or that I thought were wrong about myself were kind of solved. When I got the wrong people out, I stopped doing those things. So turns out I'm sick.

[B]

I was okay the whole time.

[A]

Dude, I'm sick. I just let into many clowns. That made me start acting like a silly goose. So it's not me, it's you. That's me breaking up with people. It's just. It's not me, it's you. But also, there's things about me that I'm not willing to change that are kind of like, work to my advantage. Only other people had problems with it, which is sabotage. People like, you're just, like, so impatient. I'm like, I need to work on that. I'm like, no, I don't. And you're so OCD and add. Okay, be funnier. Command my attention. What, like, me not wanting to pay attention to you means I'm mentally ill? Okay, so pencils down. I've done all the therapy I'm gonna do. I just. I think that if you try to fix yourself for too long or, like, go to therapy too long or obsess about yourself for too long, like, you can come and go and pop in and out and stuff. It is. If you're not sick of yourself, there's something wrong. You're sick. I'm healthy because I'm sick of myself. There's just. We're not meant to talk about or think about ourselves as well. Much. So let me get back to my opinion on my YouTube channel. I'm done changing. I. This. This. You know what it just feels like. It's like when you turn a document into a PDF. You're like, locked, Final draft. You're also. You're in or you're out. You're in or you're out. This is me. You're in. I'm not going, like, don't worry. This. I'm going to be a different person in a year. Stick around. I'm like, nope, this is it. You're in or you're out. That's. Oh, God. If I was dating, that would literally be my Tinder bio or hinge or whatever. You're in or you're out. The point is, if you don't like Taylor Swift, it's you. And if you don't like Taylor Swift, you're dumb. I know. That's a. It's very aggressive. It's not about her or the fact that if you don't like her, you think it's about her. That's what's dumb. It's about you. I can look at someone and be like, that person bothers me. What's going on with me that that person bothers me, dude. Like, I have that. I have that with people when I don't like something or I take it as opportunity to go, like, what's going on with me that I even care what's going on with this person. Okay, so if you don't like Taylor Swift, great news. You're about to change your mind now. She posted her engagement photo online a day after Blake Lively's birthday. Thug. This is. I mean, this is just like, not.

[B]

The morning of, though.

[A]

Mafia level. Like, to be clear, Blake, next year I will post my wedding photos on your actual birthday if you don't get these lawyers out of my inbox. This is like Sopranos level. Taylor Swift is, like, a genius at saying it without saying it. Like, she. She knows everyone hates women. She knows you hate her. She knows she. That if she says something, she's going to get got. But so she just does it so people will be so horrified at the savagery, they'll just shut their mouth. She is such a genius. She knows not to talk. This is like Paris Hilton kind of, like, invented this. Like, I know people hate women so much, I say anything, they're just going to twist it. They understand the hatred of women and the hatred of America. Like, if I speak, I'm also speaking in English and how the rest of the world can't project onto me. Right? It's. They know that talking would ruin their careers. And it is genius. It is savvy. It is like when Jessica Simpson was pretending to not know how math worked while she was making a billion dollars. Genius. This is the mistake women keep making. Learn. Take some notes here. The biggest mistake women make is we talk. See, I got the incels back. They're back. When guys say you talk too much, they're right. They're trying to help us be liked by other women. Okay, why say anything? What is there to say at this point? What is everyone even saying? Why would anyone talk at this point? Unless you need to peddle Morgan and Morgan or neutrophil hair pills, which I do. Look at my forehead. It's forever. She knows not to talk too much. Words is the weakest way to communicate with people, and she gets that. Okay, so now let me just. Let me just go to my OCD spiral for a minute on Taylor Swift. Because she is so genius and so everything she's doing, she knows what she's doing. So if you guys hate on her, she's just gonna use it in her next thing. You just make her more money. This is what I love about her. See, with the talking thing, I got conned into the rigmarole of, like, I just need to be heard and I want to use my voice. It's a scam. That's all. A scam. Alexa's collecting your voice. Every time you talk, it goes into a phone, it goes into a database, and your insurance company is going to cost you more. Every time you talk, you're adding to your shoddy digital footprint. Okay? The problem is, used to be women aren't heard. I want to use my voice. That was, I guess, a problem before. Now, if you're being heard or talking, that's. That's.

[B]

You're taking on a lot of risk.

[A]

You're. You're. It's a scam. Putin says, like, two words a year. They asked him about Ukraine, and he just goes, they're drug addicts. That's all he said. That's all I said.

[B]

The person who has the most information about why something is happening, that's it. Just.

[A]

And everyone was like, stop talking. Okay, listen. You know that I was a little bit late to the Taylor Swift party, but I am now in the market for a religion. And she's. It's really. It's really like a front runner right now, because this is why I love Taylor Swift. She's a try hard And I love a try hard. Try hards are back. They're my people. Remember when Anne Hathaway just got canceled because she was excited to win an Oscar? And everyone's like, oh, why aren't you, like, lecturing us on genocide? Like, oh, why are you like, smiling? Like you're supposed to be like, pretend.

[B]

You don't want it.

[A]

Yeah. You're like, yeah. Like, what do you do? Like, you're gonna accept your award without talking about global warming even though you fly private? Like, what is this? Like, it's like try hards, I guess they go in and out of style. I don't know. Like, but they're back and that's all that I really care about. Okay, and we gotta go because this is my window. Taylor Swift. It is now revealed why I love Taylor Swift because she's a try hard. And all cool people try hard. I just, I do. I do need a new religion. Maybe a cult. I don't. I just. I feel like religions have fallen off. You know, we've. We talked about on the podcast how religion is kind of like coming back. And, you know, and then my best friend died. I was like, I thought I was like, close on having a religion, and then she died. And I was like, okay, well, I was just about to support God, and then this happened. So now you're on my bad side. Now you're pushing it. I was just about to have faith, and then you did that. So I'm looking for a religion and I was looking. I mean, my biggest problem with religion at the moment is it's just like, they used to be so glamorous. Now they're just like sloppy. Churches used to have, like, stained glass and like statues and like pomp and circumstance. Now they're just like mini mall, like Temu nightmares. Like, they're just like beige broke, but they're broke. Dude, religion is poor. Yeah, religions got poor.

[B]

They used to collect nothing but tax free fat dollars every week and now they're broke. But the business model is still solid. So they're trying, but they can't get anybody to give them any tax free money.

[A]

Ah.

[B]

That's why, you know, Catholicism will outlast all these new age.

[A]

Well, maybe you guys stop wearing Under Armour to the services. I mean, people used to dress up for chur and their Sunday best. Like, what, we need more pageantry. Of course they're not. They're like, tax free for what?

[B]

Imagine wearing the long gown and like a gold staff and all that. And you're like in an Old Mervyn's at the mall.

[A]

But it is. Sometimes they do have, like, mall. Like, an old Claire's has been turned into a church. Like, I mean, I used to be that. It used to be like. Like, men in gowns being against gay marriage. And you'd be like, that's weird. But it was part of the allure. You never know what this guy's gonna say next. Like, I'm a man in a big white dress, and I'm against gay marriage. You're a man in a literal wedding dress, and you're against gay marriage. Like, they know how to keep you guessing. Keep us engaged, make us use our hypocrisy is what I like about it. That's what makes me think you're powerful. If you can get away with that kind of blatant hypocrisy, there's clearly no fear present. And that's when we feel safe, when there is a delusionally confident person. There's no delusional confidence in religion anymore. Okay? If you. If you're having to be logical or make sense, that's for poor people being wrong and strong. That's like the power move, right? Also. Also, a man giving wine to children on Sundays is objectively hilarious that we've gotten away with that for so long. I mean, it is a. Religious leaders. I don't know. They got sloppy. They tried to be our friend. You notice. They tried to. First of all, they started getting caught, which is like. Come on. Like the guy who runs the. The religion. That's the Justin Bieber one that was canceled. It's called Hillsong.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you know about this? Hold on here. Hillsong Church has been embroiled in a series of scandals, primarily involving its leadership. The most prominent involves the founder, Brian Houston. Brian. Brian.

[B]

Oh, God's talking to Brian.

[A]

Okay. When Brian's not available. Let me guess. Todd. There was also former New York pastor Carl. Carl Lentz. Houston faced charges related to concealing his father's abuse and later stepping down following allegations of misconduct. Lentz was fired for, quote, leadership issues and breaches of trust, plus a recent revelation of moral fail. Okay, okay. No one's listening. Okay. Pull it together. You have fired for breach of trust. With who? Why are. Why are priests talking to anyone? You talk to kids or nobody. People no one will believe or nobody. Okay, I know what people are saying. Well, they have a God complex. Good. That's what you want. I think that leaders don't have enough of it. You need a God complex in order to f. You need to have a God complex so that other people who don't believe in something. You have to be such an egomaniac that we think you're too busy for us because you're on the horn with God. Stop it with these pastors and chaplains in shorts being friends with everyone. Why are you dressed like a Southwest flight attendant? You're God's publicist. We need you to step up, go to Michael's and get some curtains or you get. Dude, the pandemic turned us all into people with mono who just stay home all day and wear sweatpants like, for the sleepover party. It's over. No more Uggs. Which we got to. We got to. We got to stop with this, okay? We got to. As a. As a species. We got to stop with the slop. No more slop. No more Brandy Melville tube tops, Umbro shorts, and the. The. We're not. I'm starting. Starting a movement. Pat Mafa. Make America formal again. Okay? I'm wearing shoulder pads and a tank top today, so I think all of.

[B]

You better make America dress themselves before they leave the house.

[A]

Yeah, just. Anything we need to bring back? Uniforms, regalia, hats, pins, sashes. All of you who want to dress up as minions and pikachus and Pokemons at Anime Con, first of all, see you soon, because I'm now one of you. Secondly, let's do that. Let's do that all the time. Can we just take ourselves a little more seriously? I think this could help if we all just, like, I don't know, stopped a situation where my son's Paddington Bear is the best chess person in Los Angeles. Can we. Why are stuffed animals the only people who dress up anymore? All right, Taylor Swift, even if you don't like anything else about her, the fact that she is in a jewel encrusted thong on the COVID of her new album. Thank you. She's not in sweatpants being like, look how. Look how cozy I am. It's enough with the cozy. China's making generators. She wearing an underwear. Taylor Swift is wearing an underwire bra made out of diamonds glued on lashes up the hwazi. She's wearing fishnet stockings over nude pantyhose. Give me two pair. I need to purr. You know? You know, it's no longer about Air Force ones. That song. Okay, Two pairs of pantyhose. I'm pro pantyho now. Bangs, bangs have to be back. Okay. Bangs, bangs really is the cleavage of the forehead.

[B]

Let's do bangs. You.

[A]

I.

[B]

When's the last time you had bangs.

[A]

Pat, I love bangs.

[B]

You should do them.

[A]

I usually do it to show an ex. I showed him. I showed him that I'm going to be using a nail clipper to trim my bangs. Back again at two in the morning over my sink. I had bangs. And it's. It's been growing out forever, but I keep curling them, so breaking the edges of my. So they're just forever banged. And now it's got, like, chemo energy. I. I don't know if I can do bangs. I stopped doing Botox, so I think bangs would be the fix to just cover the wrinkles on my forehead. But I want people to know when I'm mad, so if I have bangs, it'll cover. What is it with you men trying to get rid of all the emotion on our faces? If you don't get rid of it with Botox, you want to hide it with bangs. Maybe this is how burka started. What if we just put something over your forehead? What about just covering your mouth entirely? Yeah, and your nose is kind of like. It would hang better over your nose.

[B]

I could handle the occasional squinting with confusion.

[A]

You know, we just want to cover your eyes. Let's put this little screen. I don't want. You have to, like. The sun might, like, give you a migraine.

[B]

Here's some snowboarding goggles to go over your burka.

[A]

Name. Anyone right now in sweatpants. Who's on top? Tate McRae. Fine. That's fair. But if she wants to elevate to marrying a football player level, she will have to get those Daisy Dukes over some nude tights asap. All I'm saying is that. Stop analyzing Taylor Swift as a pop star or what? She's a religion, and I'm not against it. New religions pop up all the time, like, with way less qualified leaders. And the only leader I want to lead my religion is one who didn't plan to lead a religion. It just, like, happened. You know, she doesn't even have to participate, right? And what I like about it, she plans. She. She strategizes. Her merch is also surprisingly affordable. Sketchy. That's the only thing I'm like, it's a little fishy. How could it be that affordable? But she probably makes no money off of it because she doesn't care. Her T shirts are like, 45.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, if you don't love her for that reason, I can't help you. She's selling tapes. And see, I just bought the tape. I just ordered tapes of her New album. Do you know how healing that was for me? She's already healing me from afar. She's over here having us put tapes in tape players.

[B]

That would be a great time to start selling Walkman's on.

[A]

I bought them Amazon, Good luck. I've got them all. They're all in. They're all at my front door. And Amazon boxes. What? I literally. The fact that she's selling tapes and tape players, she's like, you're not listening to my music on your phone. When you're doing 10 other things, you're gonna sit there and flip. Flip it. Flip it. You're gonna listen to three songs. Flip it. If you want your friend to hear the song, you will put it in a boombox. You will put it on your shoulder. You will walk to their home. Okay? This is what religious leaders do. They make you walk to someone else's home and sell them. They also make you go back in time. She's making us go back in time. If for no other reason for parents to love her. She may be the only person in entertainment trying to get people off their phones. That's it. Remember there was that show about how bad phones are for kids? What was it called? I don't remember. We all watch it on our phones. I see you. I'm watching you. I'm watching you. Every health person is like, the worst thing for you is the phone. And the only reason I know that is because I watched the video they posted about it being bad for you. At 2am on my phone.

[B]

My phone keeps telling me to hate it.

[A]

They're like, the worst thing for your sleep is your phone and social media. Also, tune into my live at 3am where I tell you how bad it is for you. Like, mail it to us if you really thought that would. Mail it to me. Mail it to me. How about all these health professionals send me a letter to my home about how to sleep better. Not on your phone. Taylor Swift walking the walk using a tape player. Why is it, like, healed me, like, using a tape player? I use one with my son. It was like the original asmr. Like, the Joy of. Just, like, the buttons are all, like, thick and, like, juicy. I mean, she knows how to align her music with, like, charm. I ordered the Taylor Swift CDs. I don't even know how I'm gonna play it. So I'm like, I'm on the edge. It's like Christmas. I'm like, I don't know what I'm gonna play it. Like, I don't know, do you have to put in the printer? I, like, I don't even know how I'm gonna. Do I slide into the jukebox. I'm. Do I have to enter a Coen Brothers movie and find the rusty bar with the jukebox that have the pages and then find an ironing board to iron a dollar bill so that I can put it in the dollar? Like, I don't know. It is so baller to be like, my music is on tapes. Godspeed. Like, I think this is why religion works, because there's like an old timey element to it. It's like, you know, thou art ring tha thoth eternal dismayment. Religion will just say that. And you're like, that sounds better than this.

[B]

What you. What she was able to do. Because, like, there's a lot of, you know, like, hipster bands and noise bands and people like that. They've been putting their stuff out on tapes and they never stopped. It's been going on every day but six weeks ago. To talk about any of these bands that are selling like, 48 tapes a year on their website or at their shows or whatever, nobody really gave a. But Taylor Swift is so big and important that when she decides to do it, there's like an industry of like, yeah, oh, they're selling Walkman's again. And there's gonna be all kinds of, like, industry around it.

[A]

I just like that. Like, there's like a magic. She's like, forcing, in a good way, magic on us. There's like a. You know, it's like, I'm always curious what's gonna give us that Christmas morning feeling. I mean, not mine. That was a lot of, like, presents being thrown at people's heads and stuff. But, like, the proverbial Christmas morning. It's like, she's like, if you wanna hear my new album, you need to, like, go back in time. You need to call your great aunt and ask if you can rummage around in her attic for a tape player. Like, in order to listen to Taylor Swift's tape, you have to, like, go open a box with your childhood photos in it.

[B]

She's. She's introducing teenagers to their grandparents for the first time.

[A]

Connecting teenagers to their alcoholic aunts, basements. And that's why the music has to be so uplifting, because you're about to find out the truth about who your mother really is.

[B]

Yeah. The tape player in the attic is next to some other stuff.

[A]

Yeah. You're about to find out that your aunt is your real mom. Okay. She knows. She knows Taylor Swift knows. She understands human nature. And I want to. I don't think a lot of people do anymore. She understands what we need to feel safe. She knows we need to hunt. She knows people's lives are meaningless. And at this point, the only way we can get meaning is to chase something around and then overpay for it and then it to not work really. And then have to go. And then we get to be victims. We go, I need to get a tape player. I can't find one. Mine didn't work. Like, look, I don't know how this works. And it makes you look young that you, like, don't know how it works. It's just like. Or you know how it works. You're like, I remember. Like this. It's. She gets. She knows what we need. She knows how to create scarcity at a time of abundance. She knows that if you can have everything, you truly want nothing. So be the thing that no one can figure out how to get because you literally need to go to Radio Shack to get the thing to play the song, which doesn't even exist anymore. It's. They are. I mean, that was manifesting if I've ever heard it. Now it's just a shack. You understand human nature or you don't these days. The rest is just drivel. And she does okay, but seeing haters like on Tik Tok and stuff, being like, she wants us to feel sorry for her. She wants us to pity her. Sweetie dork. She knows exactly what to do.

[B]

She's holding out for your pity.

[A]

She's. You can sit, you can take a seat. Everyone just take a seat and just let the. Let the pro. Like. She doesn't want you to pity her. On her new album, she's wearing a. A corset full of diamonds. She doesn't want p. She doesn't need your sympathy. You are projecting. That's her genius, is that she is a mirror. I love talking to people about Taylor Swift because then I find out exactly who they are. Right? She wants you to pity her. No, she doesn't. She's an entertainer. What do you like? What do you even do? So if she did say, I have no problems and I'm a billionaire and I'm with the football player, you'd be like, I hate her. If she was like, mo money, mo problems, you'd, like, hate her, you know? Although Diddy does have quite a few problems. Wasn't he on that song? Wasn't he on Money for Problems?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You saying Taylor Swift wants pity. You're telling me that you want me to pity you because you have to deal with the fact that you think Taylor Swift wants pity. She really reveals idiots, this woman. I'm grateful to Taylor Swift because she reveals who I shouldn't have in my life. People are like, oh, why doesn't she use her platform? Bye, bye. I'm not. I don't have to go to therapy anymore. I now can just bring up Taylor Swift and know who to cut out of my life. Like, all over TikTok, people are like, taylor Swift's a billionaire and she wants us to feel bad. No, she doesn't. She wants you to like her music. And we only like famous people when they're sad. That's why she knows. She knows that. That's why. That's why they have to pretend they have Lyme disease and talk about how hard it is to have adhd. People that are mad at everyone are starting to show themselves. Like, you're mad at. You're just mad at everyone. Sydney Sweeney, Taylor Swift. Who else? Who else? Blondes have to do some stuff to kind of like, ding themselves down because they're always gonna win. I think they maybe know that on some level. They know, like, they have to get the brunettes to like them somehow.

[B]

Like, like a beauty mark on the face.

[A]

Yes. That's a perfect way to put it. Like, blondes, they get whatever they want. I think they kind of know that. I mean, Bill Clinton is still with Hillary, you know, wild. That is, if she was a brunette, what. How would that have gone? Like, do you know what I'm saying?

[B]

Define with.

[A]

Blake Lively. She's going to get out from under this thing. She will. She'll play a villain in a movie and she'll be. Marilyn Monroe is still regarded as the smartest woman in the world. Yeah, Hedy Lamar.

[B]

It was all that research.

[A]

Alive. Same time frame, same job. May have come up with inventions that led to WI Fi. Who cares? Don't care. She's a brunette. Marilyn Monroe said something cute about being late. And she's our, like, true. She's our, like, Mensa. Like Paragon. Margaret Atwood, Donna Tarp. Who? Exactly. Brunettes. Garbage sewer people. Taylor Swift. Also, you have to understand when people, like, why does she want us to pity her? Her pain is real. This is like, bad news for everyone. It's like my friends that are come from, like, like Nepo baby friends. I don't have a ton of them, but when they complain about, like, the traffic being hard and they're like, oh, God. Was like so hard for me. And I'm like, why you got to hang out in your BMW longer? And like, that's not trauma. And I'm like, wait a second. For you, that actually is hard for you. Like, if. If you come from what you come from, that truly is like the hardest thing that's ever happened to you. So it's like blondes. Blondes don't get rejected. They just. So her having to write a whole album about getting rejected, like, that is crazy for her. For her to get rejected, like, that is. I truly feel bad for her. Like, if a guy doesn't want to date her, breaks up with her, like a brunette getting broken up with. I'm like, what took you so long? There's some blondes over there. So there's some butter faced blondes over there who are just became available for. They have like 20 minutes till they find a new boyfriend. Brunettes are like, so I don't know. I'm just done. You know me. My cause is I come for people who come for people and get out of here. She wants us to pity her. She's a billionaire. Get. Get. Go. You don't. You don't get to be serious anymore. Like, people try to be serious. The same people who like collect stuffed animal keychains as an adult and they're like, that. That person's problematic. The key to your home has a, like a, like a purple Chucky on it. Taylor Swift knows what to do. She knows how to treat her fans like rats in a laboratory. She gives us little puzzles and clues. And like, honestly, I think about dads. I think about dads because I look back at the few times that I had one on one time with my dad and there would always be like a song or like a TV show on, like something overly sexual that would happen. That would make things like, awkward. And like, Taylor Swift gives parents the ability to hang out with their kids without, like Siri being like, candidate for Megan's Law. Like, you know, dads, this is the best it's gonna get for you in terms of role models. Right? Am I wrong? I'm actually gonna bring in my boyfriend who has a teenage daughter, and then Pat, who are gonna weigh in on this. Taylor Swift for dads.

[C]

Yeah. Why I became a fan of Taylor Swift on my own while on tour.

[A]

Well, you have a daughter who's 15.

[C]

That's true. So I was on tour and Speak now had just come out and so we were in the song.

[A]

This is coming from a Man who's never gotten a word in edgewise. So you love the song.

[C]

I was like, preach. So we were listening to it a ton, and I just became a fan of the music because I was like, it's actually really good music. I like it. And then when people were like, she.

[A]

Like, she's like, the. Because. Because he's a big, like, 80s. Like, I think you listen to 80s lady bops because it's probably the last time you felt safe in the car with your mom. Like, music. Right? But who's Taylor Swift? Is. Is this generation's.

[C]

There's never been anything like her. And that's Reba, and that's not even close. Single mom who works two jobs. No Michael Jackson. Like, here's the thing. She's so big. Like, this is a generational. Like, we're kind of lucky to be alive at the same time. This is like being alive at being a skateboarder and being alive at the same time that Tony Hawk and Rodney Mullen are alive and can skate. That's insane. We just happen to be on the same timeline as Taylor Swift is, like, that's a huge deal.

[A]

What is it? Because, like, you can take as a father, your daughter to see Taylor Swift, like, that is such a big deal.

[C]

Huge. It was such an amazing production that you see it, you're entertained, and then there's another channel in your brain that's going, man, this person worked really hard. It doesn't matter how much money they had. You had to really work for this.

[A]

There's something wholesome about it. She dresses like the Goblin Queen. She dresses like she's out of the Ren Faire, but it's all very. She. I think she knows. Yeah.

[C]

It's still, like, even her, like, sexy move isn't. Isn't, like, forward.

[A]

And that's how she keeps a girl. She's not trying. She's not. The. The term male gaze is so weird. Like, I don't like it. I need my hair to be purple or blue in order to say male gaze, like, with a straight face. But it is. She's not doing it for the guys. Like, she's not doing. Like. I think a lot of pop stars think, like, I do stripper move. And, like, what do you do? Like, there's something so endearing about the fact that she does look like she. She might have rheumatoid arthritis. Like, she might have, like, a joint issue. But even when she's dancing sexy, it's like she's kind of Elaine from Seinfeld.

[C]

When she dances, it's just like.

[A]

It's charming.

[C]

It's like a traditional class that, like, you can subscribe to it or not, that's fine. But she does subscribe to that. Like, a traditional sort of, like, grace in class in that manner. And I like it. And also, the songs are really good.

[A]

You should default to Kris Kroll's definition of grace in class if you would like to zoom in a little bit. He's got a tattoo of a sexy ghost, a snake, a Philadelphia goblin. The goblin fan not filled in.

[B]

Go gobs.

[A]

Go gobs. So I think if anyone knows what grace in class looks, he's an alien and he's dating me, so. But I'm just saying, people don't think about. I remember I had such little time with my dad as a kid. His choice. And when we would watch movies or even tv, like, if a tampon commercial came on, I would just have to leave the room and be like, I had 10 minutes with that guy. And a. Like, yeah. When fathers and daughters are hanging out alone, which happens so much now because divorces are king. Like, what are the chances that when a Taylor Swift song comes on or a Taylor Swift that the dad's not going to take her? Like, no one realizes how awkward that relationship already kind of is. And to be able to have a song come on, that's Taylor Swift and have it not be like truffle butter in my crevice. It's like, yeah, oh, I don't have to crash my car on purpose to get out of finishing this cardi b song.

[C]

When going to other artists shows that are much more provocative, you basically, Tate McRae's coming up.

[A]

What's the plan?

[C]

Merch stand.

[A]

You'll be at the merch stand.

[C]

No one will be there at that time. So it's like, hey, go take note of what you like at the merch stand. And me and the other dads will be there in the middle of the concert. And we're just out there, just like, there's nobody in the concourse. This is nobody there.

[A]

I remember Chris saying, like, the merch stand at Sabrina Carpenter is so long. But, like, no one's buying anything. They're just waiting. They're making a long line on purpose. They can be, like, still at the merge stand. You. You watch the show where you're twerking on a guy and deep throating a microphone. I'll be out here getting your merch.

[C]

Yeah, we like. You walk out there and you just kind of give all the other dads the look, like, brutal. And they all give you the same look. And everybody's just looking at their phones, at the merch stand, like, taking their time, dragging feet, eating a hot dog, doing something.

[A]

I did a bit about this and I cut it out of in the joke special, which we're about to put on YouTube about ballet recitals, about how ballet recitals, like. Like, the dads are always just, like, in the back. Like, just like. Like watching little girls in. If you're the dad who's like, I'm right here and I'm taking video, like, why are you videoing us? Like, like, dads don't know what to do at a ballet recital. It's so funny to watch them. Just like, I'm going to. I'm going to go warm up the car. Like, it's August in Texas.

[C]

What is interesting is maybe it's just the information superhighway or whatever happened in the past couple years, but when my daughter was little, I didn't have the same sort of radar for the. For, like, the. For what's creepy and what's not, other than, like, my. My parental. Like, I know that that person's a creep. What is that dude doing? Yeah, but, like, now leave this church. Now I feel like it's way higher where it's like, anything you do can be creep. And so you're just like, I gotta.

[A]

But if it's a woman doing it, that's empowerment quote unquote. So you can't be like, you're slut shaming if you're like, okay, why is this pop star, you know, twerking? I. I can't because she's making money and that's sex work. And I'm supposed to be sex positive. And I'm supposed to. This is a gangster and this is a thug. And I'm supposed to be like, girls run the world. But also, like, I can't stand next to her and watch it without being.

[C]

Like, I just don't know the rules. And so I. I back away. Like, I'm just out. I'm at the merch stand because I don't know anymore. I don't know where my eyes can be. I don't know if I'm lame.

[A]

What? Wearing sunglasses into what other artists can just come on. That's a female. Where you're like, okay, this next three minutes of this road trip is gonna be okay.

[C]

Other than Tara Swift.

[A]

Jewel, she's like, I make my eggs. It's 5am yeah.

[C]

She says that song is a Banger.

[A]

I know.

[C]

A plus, no notes. There are two versions and the video versions. My version.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. It's like, I don't think that we look at pop stars ever through the eyes of the fathers that have to sit in the car with their daughters. Taylor Swift makes it so three minutes of I could just as someone that had to sit in the car with my dad. And all I wanted was to be able to just, like, have it not be awkward. And then, you know, and because of.

[C]

That, in the middle of the show, I didn't go to the merch stand, even though the merch stand line was bananas beforehand. It's like, there's a show going on. It's awesome, and these songs are awesome. And I wonder what she's gonna play next. And I don't have to worry about, like, oh, it's that album. Let me get out of here.

[A]

But were you weird about Twilight? Because to me, Taylor Swift is like the twilight of artists, you know, because it is about, like, longing for boys and being boy crazy. And I think the knock would be like, oh, she, like, encourages women to, like, hold on to. To. To obsess about boys. You're going to do that at that age anyway. I'd rather it be like, I'm writing a song about it, you know, to process. I'm going to write a song and make money off of it. Make it a business. You're going to be boy crazy at that age anyway. She's setting the example. Make it a business.

[C]

Yeah, I think. I think also when you're thinking of the negatives of Taylor Swift, they don't smash you in the face.

[A]

What are they?

[C]

Well, that's the thing. You have to look for them. You have to go, oh, well, she's kind of like promoting. Boy, this isn't going to happen anyway. Wap is in your face like, this here's the problem, right?

[A]

But then you go, no, just revealing it or just mirroring it back. Like when people, like, you're giving a platform to the thing, the thing that already had the platform. Like, what do you.

[C]

Yeah, but it's like, you really have to make a problem happen. Whereas other just hate women.

[A]

You just hate women.

[C]

Other things are just like, ugh, I didn't have to use any brain power to finagle this. It's like I'm watching some weird softcore going down at the concert and I'm like, ah.

[A]

Instead of like, what's gonna happen to Tate McRae? Are you gonna wait in the car?

[C]

No, I'll Be at the merch stand. I'll be at the merch stand going, no, not the shirt with the 69.

[A]

You know what? You know what you can do? I'll give you my Monster Jam headphones. And you should wear all my eyes, dad.

[C]

I'll just turn the tires to my eyes. I'll just stand there.

[A]

Like Coraline dads should have for when they take their daughters to Sabrina Carpenter and Tate McCray. Like a full helmet where Daft Punk they're present. But it. The daughters know you can't see it and you can't hear the lyrics.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You're there to defend them from creeps.

[C]

Yeah. Basically, if a creep comes up, they can like, like, like, claw my. My arm. And then I'll be like, oh, honestly, take off the goggles.

[A]

Think creeps even know? Like, dads with teenage daughters are not the people to test.

[C]

No, no, no, no, no.

[A]

They're like, I'm gonna be over here, like, at the mall when they're walking around alone. I'm not gonna go to a concert where.

[C]

And be lifted.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

10Ft.

[A]

Especially in LA, it's a bunch of, like, Hell's eight former Hell's Angels taking their daughters to Tate McRae. Probably not, because it's like the way that, like, mama bears, like, the way mamas are around their cubs, dads are like that. You become that when your daughter's a teenager. You become mama bear.

[C]

Yeah. And, like, a creep dude does not mingle well in one of those scenarios. Like, you can. You can be like. You can look at a dude and be like, he. He doesn't have a kid with him for sure.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

There's no way. Nope. Nope. The way he ties his shoes, they're like Rambo Lace. Like, like, he might have to run.

[A]

Like, any rings. You don't have a kid if you. Because when you pick. Once you have a kid, you can't wear rings anymore because they scratch you. Scratch your own kid with your rings and your jewelry and your bracelets and all that.

[C]

You're always doing stuff, dislocating fingers.

[A]

Or the kid just takes it off and throws it. You're like, no more jewelry.

[C]

Yeah, I just scratched my kids, like, eyebrow with.

[A]

If I see a dude with, like, nine turquoise, like, rings, I'm like, don't have a kid. You do not have a child anywhere near. Because your child would have taken that off already.

[C]

I have such a sick ring. Collection of turquoise. Like, let's go, Turquoise rain. I got an eagle head. I got all sorts of cool stuff. And they don't go anywhere.

[A]

Those are the rings he has. Those are the rings he makes time for. Those are the rings that he purchases. Those are the rings that he collects. Him. Taken. Got it. Pat, what's. What's your plan? Your daughters are 4 and 5, so do they get to listen to pop stars?

[B]

A safe one would be like Kelly Clarkson. You don't have to worry about Kelly Clarkson.

[A]

Good call. Good call. This is a segment called Men on Podcasts. Not wearing shorts or sitting on a couch.

[C]

Not talking about supplements.

[A]

You're welcome.

[C]

Yeah, no supplements.

[A]

About fake supplements.

[C]

I'm not selling you anything.

[B]

I do have ice in my shoes.

[A]

Okay, now that I've ruined my relationship with Chris Cole, everyone. Don't ride elephants. I give it bundle and safe.

[B]

With Expedia, you were made to follow your favorite band.

[A]

And from the front row, we were made to quietly save you. More Expedia made to travel. Savings vary and subject to availability. Flight inclusive packages are atoll protected.