← Good For You with Whitney Cummings
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- [00:00]
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- [01:27]
Whitney Cummings
Okay, sorry, guys. We are starting the show, but right now I'm trying to get Pat to explain to me if at the Met Gala la. Is it a gala? We still don't know. Data. Data. Gala. Gala. The real things that divide this country. Crayon. Crown. Cement. Cement.
- [01:46]
Pat Regan
Potato.
- [01:47]
Whitney Cummings
But that's not. No one's divided on that. Did you know that tater tots means potato toddlers? Okay, if you can ever eat a tater tot again after that, I. Jail time. Jail. Okay, so I have this disorder where if someone, mostly Chris Cole, my guy, asked me a question about something that is like either Hollywood or fashion. I am so informed about it that. And he'll ask you a question. I'm like, what? He was like, what is the Met Gal? I was like, immediately realized, I know. I have no idea. You know when, like, you have to answer a dumb question and you're like, I can't believe I have to even answer this. And then in so doing, you realize you're even dumber because you've had time to think about it or learn about it. And Chris is like, okay, I would never. It's the first time I've ever even Thought to ask Chris the first time I've had 30 years to know this, and I don't. I quickly was like, I think it's an ad. It's like a giant fashion show with celebrities where they wear certain designers, they go into the Met and look fine. Wear $300,000 necklaces at a time where people can't buy food. Fine, be the bread and circus. Be the beauty. But don't bring a museum into it. Don't make me look at what's in there. I'm looking at Stevie Nick standing in between. Is that supposed to be pieces of the Egyptian pyramids? What are. What's in there? What's in there? Can I just someone explain to me all the lies that I've been told and all the things I've seen that I. That are simulacra. When I go to Vegas and I go to Paris, Las Vegas, or the pyramid, at least I know it's fake and I can enjoy it. Being hoodwinked by a museum is honestly where I draw the line. Do our taxes go to museums?
- [03:51]
Pat Regan
They have an exhibit called Divine Egypt right now.
- [03:55]
Whitney Cummings
Okay, so that's what this is.
- [03:57]
Pat Regan
Yeah, they've got a bunch of artifacts
- [04:00]
Whitney Cummings
to what, 3D printed? What?
- [04:03]
Pat Regan
Plaster recreations of the recreations. I have no idea.
- [04:07]
Whitney Cummings
Hold on. This is.
- [04:08]
Pat Regan
They say they're real.
- [04:09]
Whitney Cummings
These. I saw that on sale at Spencer's Gifts two weeks ago.
- [04:13]
Pat Regan
Oh, yeah, you can find stuff like this at home.
- [04:15]
Whitney Cummings
Goods. That's from Pier 1. That is from Class Plus World Market. Hold on, wait, hold on. Have you been on Etsy? The Egypt section? I think I know a girl in Tampa who makes those. So are they real? Are they real? Can you say, are they real? I want to see if they have the audacity to lie to my face.com it so our museums. Because they say, like, well, we can't show you the real one, obviously. That's the thing with dinosaurs. We can't show you real dinosaur bones because the real ones are radioactive. So where are they? Who has touched them?
- [04:58]
Pat Regan
Google says they're real. But, you know, the founders of Google were probably at the Met gala.
- [05:03]
Whitney Cummings
The founders. The founders of Google. I love the idea that the fact, like, this new cahoots is like the new world order of cahoots is kind of my king. So it's like, you know, the people that own textbooks also own museums. Like high school yearbook. That was the first time you realize things are a little rigged. All the people that won the best award senior year worked on yearbook. Like, I Remember there was a girl my year who. This had never been an award. You know, in the back when it's like, you know, most likely to succeed, Most likely do whatever. All of a sudden there was best smile. And she got it.
- [05:47]
Pat Regan
And they look no further than this room.
- [05:50]
Whitney Cummings
She gave herself best smile. I don't know which that was not. That's Most likely to succeed. Like most likely best smile. And then there was one that was like best fashion. We had a uniform and she won. Fridays we got to wear normal clothes. I guess I just. I don't know what the Met is and neither do you. And that's fine. I mean, I'm sure it's like a money launder. I would like to go. That said, I'm going to just. I'm going to. I'm going to watch my mouth on this one because I would like to go. I just am trying to figure out the difference between museums and Disneyland. Is there a difference? Yes or no? No. Fine. Good. I'm good. Just. If you just tell me, I can handle it.
- [06:33]
Pat Regan
It's supposed to be a fundraiser for the Costume Institute and it's thrown by Vogue magazine.
- [06:42]
Whitney Cummings
I know. Yeah, but what do you mean? Why are we raising money for costumes?
- [06:45]
Pat Regan
Because they're expensive.
- [06:46]
Whitney Cummings
Can you feed them to poor people? It's like a history museum of when women used to cover their bodies. When it wasn't just bikini tops and G strings poking out of rolled down sweat shorts. Women used to be warm. There was a time when women were warm. It happened a long time ago. Like, this is what clothes looked like when we had. When we got to wear them. This is when we had a modicum of hygiene. When we covered up our crevices and didn't have to wear actual lingerie as our wedding dress. It is shocking how slutty the wedding dresses have gotten. I mean, I like. I like a lot of them, but it is just a bra. It's a corset and then like a see through mini. I mean, do people just not. Are your. Does that mean your parents are dead or. His parents are dead? Mine are dead. I can. I can fully. I fully want to go Stephanie Seymour from Guns N Roses video. Like, just full mini skirt and like, I. I'll do that. My parents are dead. I don't have to worry. I'm never getting their approval. I will walk over their grave in my slutty wedding dress. It's just like, I don't want to look hot in front of my guy's friends. It's a Little much like I don't. It's gonna be feel weird like putting pasties on, like, I don't know. I'll have to go to the costume Institute to find like a turtleneck dress with like a hood on the back. Just look like an uncircumcised glow worm. I'm looking into wedding dresses with hoods. The problem is white dresses with hoods. It's a little grand wizardy giving wizard. Enough about fashion. Let's get to. Let me just do an odd Budsman's thing. You know, like newspapers when they go, hey, we were wrong. Hey, we need to make like an addendum to what we said last week with the Trump. I know this is old news, but I just have a new thought about why my knee jerk reaction and so many knee jerk reactions and people were like, this feels fishy. The correspondence dinner assassination attempt felt fake. I think what bumped me is he's had so many people try to assassinate him and he never talks about them. This is a man that doesn't drop it when you slight him. Rosie O' Donnell hurt his feelings 20 years ago and he still talks about her. Truly every day.
- [09:19]
Pat Regan
No nicknames for these totally assassins.
- [09:22]
Whitney Cummings
Oh, sloppy shot.
- [09:23]
Pat Regan
Old walleyes.
- [09:24]
Whitney Cummings
Oh, wonky inner ear. Like he'd have a nickname when it comes to Rosie o'. Donnell. Like he will still talk about her, like obsessively in the state of the Union. He'll just like elbow in a Rosie o' Donnell insult. He'll be like, the Iran government's collapsing. Like Rosie o' Donnell's face and jawline Kachow like mic drop. So it just feels like for what, like five or so people now have tried to kill him and he just never brings it up. Feels. I'm sure he's advised not to bring it up, of course because then you're going to make more copycats and they're going to want to get famous. But when has he ever listened to someone in his whole life? I feel like maybe he's keeping it quiet because there's like a product launch coming. Trump, like shields Trump Bob and we vitamins. Like he's got. There's got to be some reason that he's quiet about these attempts. Unclear, but I think that's part of the reason I was like, this just doesn't add up based on my pattern recognition for his behavior. But he'd rather talk about aliens. It feels like aliens are the new thing. We got to talk about them. I'm being forced to talk about aliens. And I'm just so. I just. You got you bros that run the Internet. I. I've had to hear about crypto for years. I had to hear about the pyramids. Who built them. Then we had to hear about Rome that I heard about. How you hear about stoics, all the weird creeps that dated boys back in Rome. I have to hear their wisdom. It. Oh, let's not forget the simulation. Stop. Like, can I just have a minute? This is why when the Met gala happens, we're like, oh, my God, can I just see Katy Perry in a. With a. Whatever's on her. What's on her head? Like a battery. I don't know. Like, can I just see Katy Perry in, like, whatever? Like, she fell in lacquered. Like, she looked hoarder. I don't know what it is on her head. Can I please just see something fun? I don't want to do aliens because, number one, don't ruin aliens. The people that have an alien connection to, like, ET like, they're nice and cute. Don't ruin this. Let us keep that. They're nice and cute. Let us die off. Guys, can't drop it with the aliens because it's the first time you've ever had a predator that could kill you. Like, you guys, this first time you've ever had a. Something above you on the food chain. And you just have to. When a guy finds out there's, like, a bear in his area, he's like. Everyone's like, you know that if you karate chop them right in the nose, it goes into their brain. Like, all your energy goes to fighting off this thing that could maybe scratch your car.
- [12:04]
Pat Regan
Where are the jiu jitsu legends talking about disarming aliens with your bare hands?
- [12:09]
Whitney Cummings
Hey, y' all seem so eager back there. That's like, with the war in Iran, I'm like, hey, all you guys were in camo to the club. Since you're so eager, I don't know, maybe draft yourself. So I just. We got to talk about aliens. And, you know, it's. It's kind of. It's kind of tricky, though, because Trump keeps bringing it up, and it's. I just feel like, in general, our president feels like they're at the middle school, you know, like, show and tell, and he's kind of bombing, and he's just like, what about. What about Amelia Earhart was eaten by crabs? JFK files. It was the mafia. We're like, what about that pee tape? He's like, well, aliens. And we're like, all right, I'm listening. Okay, first of all, let me just say this. They can't come soon enough. As far as I am concerned, having aliens descend is the only thing that would restore sanity. I believe this. It is the only thing that would unite us as a country. People, like, the country's so divided. What do we do? It's the. The aliens. Jesus couldn't do it. Yahweh, Allah, Elrond. War didn't do it. Drones over New Jersey didn't do it. Remember, there were the drones over New Jersey. We weren't like, guys, let's all just stick together. We're like, yours is fake. Everyone just turned on each other. Louisiana. Fires that could have united us. No, Epstein files united us for, like, a couple weeks, but then they started getting deleted, and now we're only as united as we can be with the few files left up. Aliens would do it. Aliens would unite us. All right. Like, the only way a Democrat could look at a Republican and be like, hey, buddy, can I borrow your gun? I get guns. I get guns. We're not so different, me and you. It's the only time we get along suddenly. But by the way, let me be clear. I have believed in aliens since. I mean, the first time I saw Bill Gates speak. It is pretty obvious to me. I just feel like the definition of alien is weird. They have to have come from somewhere else. Why can't an alien be born in a San Francisco hospital? The long con of us getting so addicted to technology and our own narcissism that we won't even revolt when we find out our world is run by pedophiles does seem like the work of a species far beyond our world. Like, I think it's these tech people. If some psychopath in San Francisco takes away all of our ability to have any kind of response to a threat or be so desensitized that we don't care when the aliens descend because we're just, like, gone mentally. All right? You already know. The Cash App keeps things very simple. When I'm sending people money, don't make it complicated that I change my mind whether I'm sending money to a friend using the Cash App card, or just trying to keep things in one place. It just feels easy. It's intuitive. I'm always into anything that rewards the way the people actually spend money in real life. Cash App just released a new status program for the way that people actually spend. 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Banking services provided by Cash App's Bank Partners Prepaid cards issued by Sutton Bank Member FDIC Cash App Green Overdrive coverage Borrow Cash App Offers and promotions provided by Cash App A Block Inc. Brand Visit Cash App Slash Legal Slash PODC Disclosures I have spent most of my life embalming myself in chemicals. Not even the fun kind. Bad sodas, bad food, stress, adrenaline. And it is only because of IR that I look good. The skin suit. You got to start with the skin suit. You know what I'm saying? So I had a very famous neuroscientist tell me to use I restore or like red light and it's the only thing that works okay at home. Red light therapy they do these devices. They're easy to fit into real life so I use it when I'm working on my computer. I also do it when I'm working out. Sometimes I do it when I'm having serious conversations with my guy, which is so funny. 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Right now you can save on customer favorites like the Irore elite helmet and the Illumina face mask. Just head to irestore.com use code Whitney to take advantage of the sale. That's whitneyrestore.com please support our show. Tell them that we sent you. Give your hair and skin the upgrade that they deserve so that you can feel confident refreshed. Look, I have a hairline again. Your teammate, you rep, you represent them. Our species idea of rising up at this point is just like sending a strongly worded Yelp review back up to the Silicon Valley psychopaths that get to use our data. Like, it's. Even when we rise up, we're just helping these people that are helping the alien. It's just, it's. It's comforting to me actually, though, that the aliens could just be here and ruining us within, right? Because if they're not, that means we're doing it to ourselves. The aliens would be like, we don't need to destroy you. Like, you guys seem to have this handled. Like, our species, after millions of years, has basically become the older brother making his little brother hit himself and be like, why are you hitting yourself? Like, that's just us as a species now. Like, we need someone to blame, right? Like, you know, when. When people won't take accountability for their behavior and they're just like, oh, it's Mercury is in retrograde. You're like, that's why you went to dinner with your ex two months ago and never told me? I'm no starologist. I don't like just reaching for any. It's the fluoride in the water. I'm off. You'd rather go there than just be like, I made a mistake. It seems like that's kind of like what we're. It's aliens. We need someone to blame, so we gotta, like, make this alien thing work. The simulation didn't work for the dorks. I. Dude, I didn't. I didn't cheat. The simulator playing me in the video game made me cheat. And she's not even real. Cause we're simulated. Neither are you and neither is this. That didn't work. It didn't fly.
- [19:39]
Pat Regan
If it's any consolation, my alien controller is a feminist.
- [19:45]
Whitney Cummings
It has no gender because the aliens always have, like, the Ken from Barbie Hump. Like, there's like this genderlessness Even scientists knew, like aliens could never make spaceships and take over the world if they had male equipment. Nothing would ever get done. They're just like, the only way for aliens to exist is if a man evolved to not have a dong. Like if guys didn't have dongs, they could just like create anti gravity in like 30 seconds. In an under underwater civilization, guys are
- [20:14]
Pat Regan
threatened enough by the aliens. They don't need to compare ds.
- [20:20]
Whitney Cummings
It's just these weirdos pushing AI. I don't know, they, these seem to be the most obvious candidates. Of course they would be making AI and we're like, when is are aliens going to take over? Oh, this AI is a nightmare. But where are the aliens? Like, why wouldn't it just be that, right? The only thing that makes me skeptical is why would the Silicon Valley tech dorks pick less obvious suits of skin? Like they look too much like cartoon aliens, you know what I'm saying? Like, wouldn't they want to throw us off a little bit and maybe like one of them have a beard or any facial hair. They don't look like humans and they're not even really trying to, you know. Like, I think that that would be a way to get us sort of used to the alien form in this whole thing. That's like there's men are getting estrogen from water and like we're all kind. Like that would be a way to ease us into it. Like if the aliens were easing us into alien things that look like aliens populating us, it would be those guys. Why are all billionaires pale? Why are they so pale? None of you go to Hawaii. Like, not Fiji. None of you. What is the point of being rich if you're not ever at a beach? They're like the, the in Twilight. They're like the vampires who had to live outside of Portland because there's no sun. If someone said tomorrow that the tech bros turn out to be like vampire aliens, what would you. I'd be like, say less. No one would be surprised. No one would be confused and like, think about the way that they live. They, these Tech Valley dorks, they're always doing medicine to try and get human feelings. Like, they're always doing medicine, ayahuasca and stuff. Only aliens would be like, guys, I need to go spy on humanity. Or I came down and like, we're trying to control them, but like, I think we are not. They're like kind of nice to each other and they sort of like worry about each other and I don't know how to do that. So maybe can I get. Can I do the toad venom that Rogan just made Trump put in the. In CVS's cuz Trump was annoyed he hasn't been asked back on Rogan and Cuz I'm sure they're reading the news. They're like, look, rich psychopaths right now aren't doing well. So we can't disguise aliens as rich psychopaths. Like, it's. You'll just, you know, you'll one day be walking down the street and you'll get shot by the hottest guy on Earth. If they want to study us and control us, they're not going to just come down in a thing. Like, we assume they're as dumb as we are. Even what we think aliens are. They're probably just like, you think we're that dumb? I'm your neighbor. Like, don't you love that? They just think that we're going to come down and, like, be seen by them in any capacity. They're like, we're your dogs. We spy on you all day. Wouldn't they just find a way to get elected and have power that way? They would just become the president, you know, Even if it meant having to sell real estate and star in a reality show.
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Pat Regan
But why am I starting a state company?
- [23:31]
Whitney Cummings
Like, it's part of the plan. We now have to start a school. Wait, I have to marry a woman that looks like an alien but isn't one? Can you just give me an alien that so we can collude? They're like, you got to do the long game. It's like the Nazis that had to find out if. If people were gay. They're like, so you. We need you to find the gay men. He's like, are you telling me that they're building pyramids? They're a billion miles away. They're flying here invisibly. Or they're in the Mariana Trench under the sea. Why would they go through all that trouble to spy on us and control us? No one can explain WI fi. You're telling me humans built WI fi? The same people who eat Tide Pods built WI fi? And they have gone so far as to make me get obsessed with a video of sharks biting at the cables at the bottom of the ocean. Smart. How do we get them to think WI fi is just put a shark in it. You know, Portlandia. Put a bird on it. Put a shark in it. You can't just throw a shark into my psyche to distract me. It's. Look at the silly monkey. Like, look at the sharks biting it. I had no questions after that. It's obvious to me. Okay, a certified scientist of intuition and reading a room. You can't have invisible information. And tell me that's not aliens. Where are my news from 10 years ago? Oh, just. Just in a cloud. If the aliens exist, they're smart enough to already be us. Why wouldn't they be invisible? They're not going to have clunky flying saucers. Wouldn't they just look like birds? Wouldn't they're flying UFOs just look like helicopters and planes? Wouldn't they be disguised as things that are already in the sky? We just think that everybody wants attention so bad, including aliens, that they would make themselves inconspicuous. Like they'd want to be seen. Some species are capable of camouflaging themselves and don't want to be seen. Most of them except us. We're the only species that's like, look at me. If it's. I guess it's our mating ritual on some level. Like peacocks do it, but only to make more peacocks. Not for the love of the game. Not because their dad didn't pay enough attention to them. These people need to realize that we already let reality TV stars take over our nation over a decade ago without spaceships. No levitating, just secondhand embarrassment, little casual racism. That's all that really needed to happen for us to completely buckle. You don't need to be sneaky and invisible to take over us. You just have to hook up with strangers and lose custody of your child. While on, you know, a dating show, you come home. No, that's not your kid anymore. We saw. We saw the footage. You just need to be deeply problematic and start a bunch of failed businesses, lie to us constantly. You basically just have to be like our addictive toxic ex and we will let you run the world. The less respect you have for us, the more we will just let you run the world. The biggest mistake our human leaders made. I think we're being so awful at their jobs and being human that alien overlords all of a sudden don't seem that bad. If an alien from outer space just entered the LA mayor's race tomorrow, hands down landslide. I mean, Spencer Pratt for life. I might stump for this guy.
- [27:18]
Pat Regan
He's been charging his crystals.
- [27:20]
Whitney Cummings
What's dumping mean? What's stumping again? Do you know how hard it is to get a. To get a hummingbird to land on your hat? If you can get a hummingbird to land on your hat, I think you can figure out a way to get fire trucks to be able to start. No one has time for anything. I know that the last five years have just been apps that save time, but everyone is just slammed. We don't have to run errands anymore. We don't have to go to the bank. We don't have to go to the pharmacy. We don't. But like, somehow we all have less time than ever. I can't, I can't figure out the math on this, but there's no time to cook. The only people that cook at this point do it for a living on social media. Like, there's no, there's no time for this. Home Chef, however, makes cooking simple, fresh food delivered, easy recipes to follow, meals that actually taste amazing. All right, so there's no shopping list. There's no homework or prep or like, the cleanup is even easy. I have an ant problem. So I need. 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All right, so y' all know that I'm basically the grandpa from Charlie of the chocolate factory, right? You know that I do most, most of my work from bed. What else is there? I mean, there has to. I don't know what this, what is this thing now where we're all sitting up like creeps? Like, we're all just like meerkats now? Like, who decided this was a better way to work than just like, ah, ah, just in bed doing your thing. Now we're like, but I'm out, big desk. I work from my bed. But here's the problem. I'm also Impossible to please. I'm also impossible. Mattresses are the most important thing you will ever buy. It decides your health. It decides your sanity. It decides everything. Okay, Brooklyn Bedding, guys, just try it. You'll see what I mean when you try Brooklyn Bedding. These mattresses are amazing. Also, like, not every mattress is just for everyone. They have options for different body types, different sleep styles, different features, cooling materials for hot sleepers. Yes, please. They also offer a 120 night comfort trial. It has been recognized by outlets like CNET and Wire Cutter. So there's credibility behind it. I don't know what that means, but that sounds very impressive. Buy it. Go to Brooklyn betting dot com. Use my promo code Whitney at checkout to get 30% off site wide. This offer is not available anywhere else. Brooklyn betting.com and promo code Whitney for 30% off statewide. Support our show. Let them know that we sent you. Also, go support your neck and buy these mattresses. Brooklyn betting.com promo code Whitney. You know, one of the reasons that the fire trucks. He was explaining that one of the reasons the fire trucks had to turn around when there were flames up there after the firework that I guess eventually started the fire up in Malibu is because there's like a protected plant that they're not allowed to drive near. There's like a recording of the firemen being like, yeah, we have to turn around because of the, you know, this white oleander or whatever. There's some protected plant that they couldn't get near. So all of Malibu had to go and all the Epstein files in those basements are gone. Thanks. Firework. Remember when, like there was fires in Malibu, A fire at four houses in Palm beach and then two houses in the Hamptons at the same time. And it was like diddy wink twice. What happened here? Did Ghislaine, did they interview her and she just wiggled her nose. And then the three richest area codes in America, all of a sudden, a couple houses caught on fire. Look, here's what I'll. Here's what I will say is that when people go like, oh, they're trying to distract us. Fine. I'm pro distraction. That's my. That's what I do for a living. Don't come for distractors. Okay. But also this. They're just trying to make us scared. Nothing. You. I think you're gone mentally if you think aliens are scary to us at this point, aliens coming down would be a relief. Ice couldn't. Wouldn't know what to do. We wouldn't have to worry about that. But also, like, I'm not. Stop trying to make me afraid of space aliens when I'm not even finished being afraid of the ocean. To me, the ocean is the real outer space. That's outer space to me. Why did we decide that outer space had to be dry? Unclear. Do you realize that vertical aliens coming down. We're just like, ah. Like, I know what to do with that. Oh, no. Oh, well, it's. It's over. I don't. I think I'd be like, ah. We're so used to going, God's up there. Aliens are up there, meteors. I'd be like, fair enough. You're bigger. Aliens crawling out of the ocean horizontally towards us at eye level. We would all just have heart attacks. They wouldn't have to kill us. We'd just be like. Like, just instant from above. You just sort of like this. Okay, suck me up. Like, there's something about up vertical versus horizontal aliens. All right? And if they're hot, I swear to God, I swear to God, if the aliens are hotter than human, women will handle it. You're not. I'm not having an alien take my man. We're like. We'll be like, stand down, dorks. Put your laser beams away. Or what? If the aliens are so hot and no one kills them, they're just like toxic hot girls from Pensacola. And all the guys are just like, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's hear them out. They're just like the girls that, like, you know, are from. You know, Every guy has that, like, toxic girl that is, like, on and off for 12 years who he cheats on every good girl with just because she has a thigh tattoo. And they're. They're just like, no, look, the aliens are, you know, just. Yes, they're trying to destroy humanity. But, like, if she gets sober and if. When her dad gets out of jail, like, I feel like she'd be a great mom.
- [34:38]
Pat Regan
Can you play a high schooler on Netflix?
- [34:42]
Whitney Cummings
Child acting is very out right now, but there's still a huge market for it. This is my other thing. Their dinosaurs are fake. When people are, like, trying to. But we have them. We have them here. Have you seen an alligator in person? Okay, I know a lot of people from Florida watch this, so I know you have. I know how your bachelorette party went. But, like, you guys, alligators, they don't die of natural causes ever. They either die because they're killed by humans or they get so big that they starve to death. They don't die no, everyone's fine with that. That's not a dinosaur. It's a. That's a dinosaur. The ones I've seen in books. None of them could get up if they fell over. I've always thought that was weird. And there's no way for them to mate. I was the kid that was in whatever biology looking at dinosaurs like, how do they mate? Did they send me to the school counselor immediately? Yes, they did. I never got an answer.
- [35:33]
Pat Regan
Wait, the school guidance counselor knows how they mate? I'll go, yeah, I'll go talk to them.
- [35:39]
Whitney Cummings
And I was just. I remember taking two T. Rexes and being like, I don't think they can do it. This would. This. I was. I'm so codependent. I'm like, were they okay? A lot of these things fell over and probably couldn't get up, you know? Do you get. Did you guys just forget about eels? We're like, there's aliens. Remember eels? You know how they say that when you're, like, in your 30s and you're trying to find your soulmate, they're probably already in your life somehow, like, you've already met them. I'm just saying, if you're looking for aliens, they might. You might have overlooked a couple things. And I get that we're all so sort of jaded about the stuff that we learned in science class, and an episode will not go by when I remind you all that I learned. I was. I was looked in the eye by a grown man that told me that the Native Americans and the Pilgrims had a fun dinner, and they got along great. There was a mural in our gym of them having a. Like a hoedown. Having a blast. All right. The natives were shirtless, and the Pilgrims were in full suits. I never knew what the weather was and felt like November. It was probably a little chilly, but no worries. The Pilgrims had blankets. Were they riddled with smallpox? Yes, they were. Yes, they were. Ghislaine Maxwell's dad's history book failed to mention that. So, yes, we're all a little bit like, oh, is all the stuff that we learned wrong? How come the. How come our food pyramid had bagels in it? Fine. Whatever. General Mills drew it. Fine. So I get that we're looking back at a lot of stuff, but eels, though. Eels. We can't give the Pilgrim treatment. We can't give the Chris Columbus treatment. I still don't know who discovered America, and I'm good for now. I'll learn it for the first time when my son is in school. Because I don't want to learn a new one and then be wrong again. Does it? Leave Erickson for now. Fine. Eels, guys. Eels. The fact that we don't talk about eels on a daily basis is actually totally, totally wild to me. Why wouldn't an eel be categorized as an alien? You don't. They. They've taken over. Because once you really process that they exist, it controls a lot of your behavior. I don't go into the ocean because of electric eels. Well, look at this thing. This thing electrocuting stuff. Get out of here. Watch. Boom. I can't watch. I can't watch the one with the frog, but watch with the man. Watch this. Get that out of here. I'm not gonna let actual visual evidence downplay the horror of this. Okay, that's it. Okay. If a giant voltage worm wanted to rule the world, it could. All right. What if some of the aliens don't want to take us over? What if they're not? What if everyone's not a power hungry weirdo? We're like, oh, well, if something could take us over, it would, because it would want to. And pay everyone $5 an hour. No, that's. You. All right. We define aliens as wanting to take us over, but what if they're, I don't know, women? What if they're female and that's not their main goal in life? I'm just saying these, like, lightning cylinders from hell might have just been like, yeah, we could, but we're fine. We think it's funny to just kind of. You know how like, in. In movies, they. There was always a device where you could, like, freeze people in, like, high school and then, like, talk. They might just want to do that. They're just like, freeze. And. Anyway, so this guy was my high school. But, yeah, maybe that's all they wanted and that was enough for them. Maybe this alien species, maybe a little control is enough for them. Does it not get more insane than a thing with no power cord charging from. Not a wall, no connection to a power outlet, sending electric signals at the bottom of the ocean whenever something pushes it? Oh, you're pushing it so I'm going to electrocute you. I can't get my laptop to stay charged when it's connected. Look at all. Look at how many I have. This isn't enough electricity for this little box, but the eel just generates it inside. It's. What. What pituitary gland? I don't. A floating shock collar is as good of an alien as we're gonna get. Should we take the win that they're here and that's them. Maybe it doesn't want to use us as slaves because doesn't. It doesn't need to keep us in with an electric fence because it's an electric fence. So when it wants to, it'll run the world. It's just like, good. An alien to me is something that has unlimited power, that makes us very scared, that can do whatever it wants, and is great at hiding. This eel is we work. We all. This is all of our boss. I'm afraid to touch a battery when it's raining. This is why I don't go in the ocean. It. I already factor this into my choices on a daily basis.
- [40:36]
Pat Regan
Never been electrocuted once.
- [40:38]
Whitney Cummings
It already controls me. It's what keeps me on land. So this could just be what's guarding the aliens. They sent out their electric eels, but we can't get past these eels. Even though I sound ridiculous, you know I'm making sense. There's men on the Internet with podcasts that sound like they're making sense, that aren't, and they get millions of dollars. I sound like I'm not making sense. I realize this, but I am. If any unqualified man said what I'm saying, you would. You'd be like, that's a good point. It's just because I still have eyes swollen from a CO2 laser that you can't. And 900 drinks around me that I just look like Howard Hughes. It's just. I've just been, like, peeing in bottles. What about this? What is this, Claude Chat? No, that's real. What? That's old five legs. Oh, what? Spiders? No, all spiders from forever have been
- [41:43]
Pat Regan
AI it's just got an asymmetrical.
- [41:45]
Whitney Cummings
What if one of its legs broke off because the eel got him because he tried to go to the base? Aliens don't have dongs, Pat. That could be a dong. Four legs and a dong. Yeah, we're over here with dongs that only go up to your mid thigh. They know that a dong should also act as a leg, not just as a thing that makes you want to procreate with huers. I don't. I don't. Look, I. I'm not. I don't have time to fix all this science for you guys. I don't have time to get into how many dongs this Whistler's mother on the bottom of the ocean has, like, oh, cool, look, it's Marilyn Manson's kidney stone at the bottom of the ocean. Oh, cool. Everyone's nightmares are all mushed together into one drag queen possum. Fine. Okay. Oh, look, the bugs on our eyelashes took GMO steroids and got the leg extension surgery in Turkey. By the way. You guys getting the leg extension surgery. I want you to know this is what it look. You look like. Congrat. I'm glad you got it. I'm glad you're. You're just. You're not pulling it off. If you got two legs. Two short legs lengthened. You have five legs. I'm just telling you how it comes off. One of the most liberating things that ever happened to me is when someone told me how I come off. Okay? I was like, I'm so insecure. They're like, no one buy that's not how it comes off. And I was like, thanks. Thank you. I'm like, hey, can you hear me? They're like, we can hear you. It's only your drunk parents that ignore the rest of us can aren't passed out in the yard. Can you pull up the telescope? Fish, please. The thing that looks like a selfie I took by accident because I didn't think it was in selfie mode and I was trying to take a picture of my dog looking down. There we go. There it is. Cool. If that's not an alien, I give up. Pat. Why can't that be an alien? It has a baby attached to its body like Belial from Basket Case. Horror fans, rise up. That is a deep cut. Don't Google that. It will ruin your algorithm. This. You will be getting promoted Comic Con and Anime Con tickets for the rest of your life if you Google the movie Basket Case. So this exists, and everyone's like, where are the aliens? Where are they? I know there must be out there. Have you ever watched a Disney movie? The love of your life's right there cleaning the floor next to you. I feel like we found him. My guy. We're just like, oh, that doesn't look like a hot, skinny Thai boy. No, thanks. Like, why? Maybe it's right there. Pat. I sent a bunch of these to him. And of course, Pat sends me back. The thing that's like, I can't now. I'm just. Was I sleeping so well before Pat? Pat's like, mic drop. Like, I just feel like you're slowly trying to drive me crazy. This whole podcast is an experiment. The. Just. The portal, the swimming portal, it was just a black hole that was just swimming. There was a couple things I sent you, and it was like a crazy AI thing underwater you can't prove that's not real. Okay? What everyone's. That's AI. What's real is so much scarier than what this AI is just like head. And I'm like, that's fine. I'm fine with that one. I'm not fine with what we don't know is down. Right? But also, AI is based on real things. So this is an amalgam. Anything AI would be a result of what does exist, right? Which means if this fish interbred with this fish, which for sure happens. Fish aren't racist like we are, okay? They're not like, I don't date trans chicks. Like, they're fine. They're not. They don't think that way. They're like, let's make. You and I together would be like 6,000 teeth floating in an invisible bag. They're like, dude, if you and I mated, we would just be like a floating hell chainsaw. Let's go. Let's like, see what's up. They're not like, we need to keep things pure. Anything. I would be an amalgam of what actually does exist. Which means it could exist down there with the amount of GMOs we're also, we already have a relationship with the aliens if they're in the ocean. We're already putting GMOs in the ocean. Sunscreen, the amount of chemicals we're adding to the aliens diet.
- [46:22]
Pat Regan
We're actively trying to kill all of
- [46:24]
Whitney Cummings
those aliens and we're making them more powerful is my guess. Every time these meatheads pee with their steroid piss into the ocean off of a yacht off of Miami. Certainly you're just making these big and stronger girls are just like puking up four loco into the ocean. Who knows what it's going on down there. I'm gonna say to you what I say to all my girlfriends in their 30s about their soulmate or their husband. Maybe he's already here. Maybe he's just right behind ya. Maybe he's the guy, the guy next door that's so nice. Your neighbor that's so nice.
- [47:07]
Pat Regan
Maybe it's the guy that looks like a telescope fish that you won't call back.
- [47:10]
Whitney Cummings
Maybe it's the guy that just got back from the leg extension surgery. It's a little wobbly, you know, but you've seen misery. That relationship worked. There's a point where I might just go use reverse psychology and be like, ride elephants. Do it. Do it. Do fine. Do it. Do it. Enjoy the nightmares after looking down and seeing the chains on their feet and realizing what you're doing. Do it f around with elephants and find out. Maybe that's what needs to happen. Maybe I need to tell you stop telling you to stop riding them. And maybe you need to ride them ride it that pony. And then that's what would really make a difference, is if, you know, one of the d' Amelios went flying off of an elephant. So, yeah, do it. You know what? Do what you want. Godspeed. Just don't pet tigers in your dating app photo.
- [48:11]
Pat Regan
You gotta stop with your long shins.
- [48:15]
Whitney Cummings
I love you guys. Don't ride elephants.
- [48:48]
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