The FBI is Weird, TikTok Shop is Weirder and Brace Yourself for Gadget-Core | Good For You # 328

Summary

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Podcast Summary: "The FBI is Weird, TikTok Shop is Weirder and Brace Yourself for Gadget-Core"

Good For You with Whitney Cummings, Ep. 328
Release Date: February 2, 2026
Host: Whitney Cummings
Guest/Co-host: Pat

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Episode Overview

This episode of "Good For You" lives up to its title, as comedian Whitney Cummings and her co-host Pat embark on a wild, irreverent, and quick-witted ride through some of society’s more absurd developments. The conversation spans from skepticism about the qualifications of government officials (namely the FBI), through the laughable world of TikTok Shop’s gadget glut, to the ever-increasing infiltration of odd devices—and expectations—into everyday life. The tone is candid, self-deprecating, and laced with observational humor as Whitney grapples with modern culture, social media, parenting, and the phenomenon of “gadget-core.”

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Authenticity & Social Media Performance

(Timestamp: 01:00–04:30)

• Whitney and Pat dissect the modern obsession with “being authentic,” mocking how “authenticity” serves as a social excuse for obnoxious or even dishonest behavior.
• Whitney: "The amount of verisimilitude of artifice that goes into being authentic is exhausting." (01:06)
• They reflect on how “Team” culture (e.g., Team Angelina vs. Team Jennifer) reveals projection and self-justification in online drama.
• Whitney draws analogies between social media addiction and previous societal norms like smoking in offices.

2. Projection, Jealousy, and the Human Need for ‘Teams’

(Timestamp: 04:30–07:00)

• Whitney posits that many online attacks come from a place deeper than jealousy—they stem from discomfort with having personal worldviews challenged by others.
• She critiques the parenting trend of telling children that others are “just jealous," warning it breeds narcissism and disconnection.

3. The Absurdity and Alarming State of the FBI (and Children’s Books)

(Timestamp: 07:00–16:00)

• Whitney lampoons recent political realities, focusing on figures like Kash Patel (FBI head) who’s been moonlighting as a children’s book author.
• She recaps the plot of Patel’s Plot Against the King—a thinly veiled political parody for kids—and mocks the general trend of unqualified people faking it in high places.
• Quote on fake competence: "I'm big on, like, fake it till you make it... I don't think the FBI is a situation where you fake it." (09:08)
• Whitney and Pat joke about “fake books” published for public image, likening it to celebrities needing side hustles or fake mogul personas.

4. Parenting in the Era of Children’s Entertainment Controversies

(Timestamp: 11:00–16:00)

• Whitney humorously navigates the minefield of commenting on beloved children’s entertainers (Ms. Rachel, Bluey), revealing the hyper-sensitivity of parental audiences online.
• On joking about Ms. Rachel: “Don’t make fun of children’s heroes. Okay, fine. I got it. Won’t happen again.” (13:18)
• She observes the intense online policing and the perils of transferring jokes between platforms (Twitter vs. Threads).

5. TikTok Shop: The New Frontier of QVC-like Consumer Chaos

(Timestamp: 31:00–45:00)

• The episode’s centerpiece is Whitney’s deep dive into the chaotic, addictive world of TikTok Shop, affectionately dubbed “QVC on steroids.”
• The hosts riff on the surreal and dubious nature of TikTok Shop purchases: strange gadgets, dollhouse furniture, stress toys, “man cereal,” and random objects of questionable function.
• Notable exchange:
  • Pat: “All the products look like just some AI rendering of an image with some price and no layer of accountability...”
  • Whitney: “We are unclear what concoction we put together. We do not have a license to do any of this.” (35:25)
• The segment morphs into a critique of consumer addiction to novelty, impulse shopping, and the madness of endless “life improvement” hacks.

6. Gadget-Core & The Escalating Strangeness of Tech Products

(Timestamp: 45:00–56:30)

• From fidget toys to LED cloud ceilings, travel urinals to “lazy glasses” designed for reading prone, Whitney catalogs the bizarre new normal dictated by gadget-core culture.
• The duo poke fun at the rapid innovation (and often uselessness) of such products—as well as the privacy/security tradeoffs in a world of perpetually connected devices.
• Pat on gadget security: "They're all just Trojan horsing a thing into your house to get connected to your Wi-Fi." (50:46)

7. Identity, Insecurities, and Physical Enhancement

(Timestamp: 64:41–69:51)

• An extended riff on the strange lengths people will go to change their bodies: fake braces as fashion, “looksmaxing,” and actual leg-lengthening surgeries.
• Whitney: "We could normalize men wearing heels faster and better than this is going to get figured out..." (68:18)
• They lampoon social hierarchy, the performative nature of flex culture (fake bags, medical accessories as status), and the ever-present urge to “one-up” in the age of social media.

8. Commentary on Social Media & Clout Chasing

(Timestamp: 79:13–81:44)

• Whitney opens up about the dangers of online jokes, the “piranha tank” of comment sections, and the doom spiral of chasing viral moments.
• Quotable advice: "The best case scenario is a curse, and the worst case scenario is typical expected behavior. And these are tools. And you're trying to have a party with tools. Be like me getting drunk with a chainsaw—like, it's gonna go bad." (81:22)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On authenticity online:
  "The amount of verisimilitude of artifice that goes into being authentic is exhausting."
  —Whitney (01:06)

• On social media addiction becoming society’s new smoking:
  "We're going to look back and just... remember when you could just go on your phone inside a restaurant. I think it's gonna be the same thing as smoking."
  —Whitney (03:30)

• On TikTok Shop madness:
  "TikTok Shop will fix your life. Sometimes there's such a thing as healthy addictions."
  —Whitney (32:20)

• Summing up the weirdness of gadget culture:
  "In a time where we can control truly nothing, if you know where your hats are in an order—you know what I mean—it’s like… we're all at our boiling point."
  —Whitney (36:27)

• On AI and unpredictability:
  "All we can do right now is throw them off so they’ll be obsolete right away because we're so unpredictable. Suck on your music. See fun instead of having it."
  —Whitney (63:10)

• On comment section savagery:
  "You stuck your foot in a piranha tank and you lifted a skeleton foot."
  —Pat (79:35)

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Segment Timestamps

• 01:00–04:30: Authenticity and online performance
• 07:00–16:00: The FBI, children's books, fake credentials
• 13:00–16:00: Whitney’s experiences as a new mom, children’s entertainment on social media
• 31:00–45:00: TikTok Shop, gadget-core, the new QVC
• 45:00–56:30: Gadget addiction, weird tech, data privacy anxieties
• 64:41–69:51: Status flexing, fake braces/leg lengthening, trends in augmentation
• 79:13–81:44: Social media commentary, perils of jokes online, coping with backlash

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The Episode’s Tone & Takeaways

• Humorous/Self-Deprecating: Whitney’s comedic sensibility shines throughout, with a blend of personal confession, sarcastic cultural critique, and absurd logical conclusions.
• Cynical-yet-hopeful: Despite relentless poking at modern society’s obsessions (gadgetry, social clout, fake status), there’s an undercurrent of sympathy and bemusement at the human condition.
• Cultural Anthropology Meets Comedy: If you want a pulse on what makes people tick and what’s quietly eating us alive in 2026—from government surrealism to the newest “must-have” gadget—look no further.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode...

Whitney and Pat dissect the madness of America’s digital, political, and consumer cultures in hilarious, frank, and ultimately insightful fashion. The key message: while the world gets weirder, and the gadgets get odder, finding humor (and connection) remains not just possible, but essential—especially when you're just trying to keep your hats organized, your TikTok orders straight, and your comments section bearable.

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Transcript

[Whitney Cummings]

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[Pat]

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[Whitney Cummings]

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[Pat]

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[Whitney Cummings]

Get started for as low as $[e-mail] GLP1 for over 60 years, we've helped millions of members find what works for them. Now it's your turn, Weight Watchers. Watch it work.

[Pat]

This is art.

[Whitney Cummings]

This is. Dude, what do you mean this is art? What?

[Pat]

Look at that jersey and background combo.

[Whitney Cummings]

We make the most important art there is. We make con art. What? What is at this point? What is more powerful in the world than con art? They call it art for a reason. It's not a con job. They don't call it blow art and they don't call it a con job. Okay, it's, I mean, look, I, the amount of, what is it? Verisimilitude of artifice that goes into being authentic is exhausting.

[Pat]

Hey, try to be authentic.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, here we are being authentic. Hold on. Here's my booster seat. That makes me taller.

[Pat]

The more I hear that advice, the, the worse it seems to play for everybody who does it.

[Whitney Cummings]

What the authentic?

[Pat]

Authentic. Nobody actually wants that.

[Whitney Cummings]

Well, also, I think that something happened where being, quote, authentic meant like, you're just allowed to be obnoxious. Like, I'm just being authentic. It's like every time I do it, people freak out. So I, I, well, it's like this, it's like when someone's like, you know, before you do a show, they're like, just be yourself.

[Pat]

It's like, ah, sounds like a trap.

[Whitney Cummings]

Because also be authentic. It's now this new past to be like, flawed in a way that's like, well, I'm just flawed. I'm being authentic. It's like, no, that was. You lied. Well, that's Just. That's my truth. And I'm just being authentic. And you didn't make space for me to be flawed.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's like, does anyone. Doesn't anyone want to go home?

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

I knew we were in trouble when it was like, Team Angelina and team. Remember when it was like, team celebrities, when there was some kind of love triangle or something, and there were shirts happening that were like, team Jen Team. It was like, wait, you don't know anything about what happened? Like, when I watch football, I at least saw the game and, like, understand, like, I'm picking a team with some sports.

[Pat]

Clearly figured it out there. They're just our teams.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. I think that when people pick, like, their team or when they root for someone to go down or. I mean, no one does that with me, but I've heard it's like, that happens sometimes, and I think it's their way of telling on themselves, of going, I. I need this person to be removed because this person takes away the lies I need to tell myself about why I am where I am, or I need an excuse for why I'm not. So if that person is like a monster and a liar and a whatever, I'm just like a good person. And that's why I don't. I'm not. Further, I also think, like, as someone that identifies as an addict, it's adrenaline addiction. I think we're gonna look back and just because I. I feel I'm guilty of it, and we're going to be like, remember when you could just go on X and Facebook, like, any time you wanted, without a license, you could just go on for hours and hours a day. It was going to remember when you could go on your phone inside a restaurant. I think it's gonna be the same thing as smoking. And like, now we go, like, remember when people just drank at work? Like Mad Men, guys making big, broad.

[Pat]

Cultural decisions, drunk and horny.

[Whitney Cummings]

Just between affairs at work? Like, what was that? I think we're now gonna go like, oh, remember when your boss could just scroll and still have employees?

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know, because it's the new. It really is a new addiction. That's why I'm sympathetic to it. But I think that when we root for people who did do something wrong, we go, no, they didn't. That's our way of going. Like, I need to be able to get away with that. So I'm going to defend that. You know, Like, I want to get. Be able to get away with that behavior too.

[Pat]

Yeah. Like, you have to lay the Groundwork for the defense on that.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, exactly. Like, why aren't we more forgiving of this? Why don't we just, like, let that. What did they. What was so bad about what they did? It's like, oh, you want to be able to get away with it? You know, it's. I mean, it's just everything's a projection, I guess. Like, you tell on yourself by what you accuse other people of. I do. I know I do. But you know where I never go, Pat? You know where I never go? Politics, jealousy. I never. There is an epidemic where parents are telling their kids that everyone's jealous of them. First of all, if you have the kind of parents who are trying to pit the entire world against your kid and act like everyone is just, like, obsessed with your kid to the point where they cannot function because they're so green with envy. And there's nothing to be jealous of because this child is going to, like, leave the house one day and really not be able to function. It's. There's this. I never do. I'm never like. They're just jealous. I never think that. I never go there. I don't. I don't think it's that because that's, like, the easy way to write it off. I actually think it's darker. I don't think they're jealous. I think they want you to not exist because your existence is just too disorganizing. It just challenges too many of the paradigms that we all need in order to. We're supposed to meet, like, 50 people our whole life. Like, Max. Maybe like, seven, frankly. Like, we're not supposed to meet this many people that have different backgrounds and experiences and lives and traumas and all of it. We're just not meant to. I saw a meme that was really funny, and I don't know who. Who made it. It said, remember when there used to be, like, the red group and the gold group and the blue group, like, the reading groups. Now all the groups are hanging out, and they just weren't ever supposed to, like. Yeah, like, it was known that we weren't going to get along. Now we're, like, forcing each other to, like, get along with each other. It's not going to go well. Okay, let's. Let's. Let's get into the show. Sorry, I'm wearing hair extensions. And it's really just a lot to process. Sorry. Whoever's hair. This is really. They didn't get enough iron. It's very itchy. Can you guys find. Can you Guys, scalp someone else next time.

[Pat]

There should be hair surrogates.

[Whitney Cummings]

Wow, Pat, that's big. I'm actually just not used to hair being this healthy. I think that's what it is because I'm always like. My hair is. I'm always like moving and stuff and it's just down and working and I'm like, don't know what to do with my hands. As always. I'm on tour. Go to the website Whitney Cummings.com to find out all of the music halls that I'll be sorry. I'm coming to Wisconsin. I'm coming to Philly. I'm coming to all the places. Whitneycomings.com did you know it's February? This is. I. If you had asked me what month it was, I'd be like, truly July. Like this year is too. But with someone was like, ah, first day of February. I was like, what? How? What? Fake news. Like, it. It doesn't track at all to me. I don't. I'm already fantasizing about Christmas. I'm already like, counting down the days. I have like a calendar. I was just putting stickers on it. I'm like, I need more than ever to distract myself with buying gifts for people that. Who truly don't care if I live or die. I just need to be busy with some false sense of a modicum of control. So it just. I'm not one of these people that's like 2025am I, like, I'm not like a. Let's blame the year like this, but 2026 is really. It's been four weeks. We've already invaded two countries. I mean, I'm not going to talk too much about the Epstein list because it's. There's. Whatever I'm saying is I'm sure already obsolete by the time you say it. Something else crazy has come out. And then it's like, oh, that's what you covered. When this is happening, it's like, I. I just. I'm not an expert in politics. I'm not an expert in the government. I am an expert in people who are not qualified for a job pretending they are and going along with it because they seem like. I'm big on, like, fake it till you make it. We're in a business where you can kind of like fake it till you make it. Like, you're not qualified. You're kind of. You have moxie. The rules are changing all the time anyway. Why even learn why? The more experience you have, maybe the less qualified you are. Right? You'll do it the old way and there's a new way. Like, you know, I have a lot to learn from you. Whatever it is, I don't think the FBI is. Is. Is a situation where you fake it. Do you make. Feels like the guy. The guy. This guy went on Rogan and said there's no files. There's no Epstein files, and he still has a job. Okay, so you know me. I'm always looking at the thing that. That is not the headline. Do. Do most people know about Kash Patel's children's books that he wrote? The head of the FBI wrote books for children about. It's called Plot against the King and is about. You knew about this because you always know about stuff like this because you have kids.

[Pat]

Obviously a huge fan.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's about. Okay, so it's literally about. It's a cartoon named Wizard Cash. Okay. Wizard Cash is the main character who follows a trail of slugs, which is referencing the Clinton email thing. Right. The trail. Right. He finds out that Hillary Queenden secretly instructed the Keeper Comey. Comey with a K, not James Comey who was the head of the FBI to investigate. They invade Russonia to expose some scheme on choosing Day. And then the people choose between Hillary Queendon and King Donald. Can anyone write a kids book?

[Pat]

I mean, at a certain point, everyone should to reveal. What are you up to?

[Whitney Cummings]

Look, I'm a mom now. I know. Oh, tell us again. You're a mom. I don't know what you think happens when people become moms. That they're like, oh, yeah, just. Anyway, back. Back to your regularly scheduled programming. Like, wouldn't it be weird if it wasn't the lens through which I saw everything from now on? Also, you prefer me being like, so. So I'm single. Was that cool? I. I do like to poke fun at children's books. I didn't have a childhood. I never read kids books. So I guess I'm doing it for the first time with a kid as an adult. And I guess I'm just sort of. That's always the way that I see the world. Is a kind of a feral animal who's like, I've never seen this before. Like, who's the. Archie and Jughead? No, the moose and the mouse. Oh, Bullwinkle, Winkle and Rocky. Rocky. Like, I never saw Rocky and Bullwinkle. Like, I don't know, like all that Smurfs.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

What all. Like, what was the.

[Pat]

You missed out.

[Whitney Cummings]

I didn't see this stuff. Okay. We. I was. I was just trying to get my parents. So I was trying to get to school. I'm, like, trying to get him to sign the permission slip. Right? So I tend to kind of, like, look at them with fresh eyes, you know, because I'm obsessed with the things that we just find normal after a while and actually charming. And you sort of like, fresh eyes is like, we need. The Pooh doesn't wear pants. I never think it's too late to put the pants on the bear. I'm never going to stop saying it. I'll never stop saying it. Mr. Rogers. Fine. I have thoughts. Right. Bluey. I just. I. Now my kid has an Australian accent and like, that. It's. It's annoying. Also, he never was afraid of the dark. We love Bluey, but there's a whole thing about how Bluey's afraid of the dark. And now, like, he's like, I'm afraid of the dark now. I love Ms. Rachel. Dude, we have a Ms. Rachel book with the letters, and we use it every single day. I did make fun of her overalls, and the Internet lost its mind. But I learned a big lesson, which is that children's icons are beloved. I'm kind of grateful to know that. That there's some stuff that's off limits. Don't make fun of children's heroes. Okay, fine. I got it. Won't happen again. Okay. But that said, I did. Threads and Twitter are two very different spaces, right? It's. They're. They're different vibes. Like, Twitter's a little more rough. Well, I now know that none of it is a comedy club. All of it is a fight club. I was, like, showing up to fight clubs with, like, jokes. Remember when I had that whole thing that was like, before you get mad at anyone, first be like, let me. I'm mad at you. Let me see your algorithm to see if this is justified or if we're just in different algorithms. Like, you might. You might be saying the same thing I'd be saying if I was in your algorithm. Like, let me just make sure that's not the case. Right? But anyway, I did find out that if you come for a children's entertainer, everyone that does not have kids will get very upset. It's funny. Someone like, DM me and was like, yeah, yeah, you can't come for children's entertainers because if they get canceled, then parents will actually have to raise their kids. But anyway, it was a joke. I went to Twitter to. Which I shouldn't have done. Like, no one's doing jokes on there anymore. I, like, thought it was 2018. That's out of nowhere. And I quickly deleted it once I learned. I was like, this was not the joke. I could still make a joke, but that's not the joke I would make, knowing what I know now. And they screen grab it from Twitter even though I deleted it, which is saying I don't. And I said, my mistake. Didn't know this. This. My bad. I feel awful taking it down. Took it over to Threads, Took it over to Threads, and we're just like, brah, this. It's just like. So the point is, I'm not gonna make jokes about this anymore. However, I feel like I can come for Kash Patel's children's book. Like, I feel like this feels like a safe bet. No. Fine. I just. There's something about children's author, like, just someone that's like, I do this for a living, but I'm gonna write a children's book. Like, it's. There's. Why do you. I tell my son stories all the time. Like, at night. I, like, make up stories. I've never been like, you know, who needs to hear this? Everyone. Everyone's kids. I hit it out of the park. I've never told my kid a story that I'm just like, Mr. Orange man does. I'm not like, he needs this Mr. Orange man who only eats oranges and lives in an orange house in orange. Like, it's pretty good, actually. It's kind. It's kind of like. It's actually. I was kind of made in the lab to write children's stories, but I never tell the story. And I'm like, boom. Every child. This needs to define their most formative years. This needs to be a building block of their psyche. It. And I've certainly never been, like, 20 bucks. I did write a children's book. It's called I'm Fine in Other Lies. It's about the mistakes I wrote in my 20s. Give it a look. See, it's in the lobby of your local Chuck E. Cheese. Does anyone write books for adults and then for kids or. Or do you only write kids books because you can't write the big ones?

[Pat]

I think a lot of people that when they have kids, if they have any creative output in their life at all, it crosses their mind.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, they're scuba divers. They go, nothing's good. None of these books are good enough. They walk into a bookstore and go like, mm, mm. None of them.

[Pat]

I need something better than the greats.

[Whitney Cummings]

So instead of just spending Time with my kid. I'm gonna go work on a book for other kids to read.

[Pat]

I mean, that problem of children's books literature needing to have books for your children was solved so long ago. They're available.

[Whitney Cummings]

No new books.

[Pat]

We don't need any new ones. We don't need any new ones.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's like cereal. We're good.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Which, by the way, I did not even mean to do that on purpose. I did do the funniest thing that's ever happened. Like, I won comedy.

[Pat]

Good.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's over. I can't believe that I just stumbled on this. Maybe it's in my subconscious. I saw I was trying to order creatine because I'm trying to get my brain back after having a child. And I. I found something. Hold on. Called man cereal. This is not an ad. They do not pay me. I will not work with you because.

[Pat]

Put your finger in that.

[Whitney Cummings]

I want to keep this a pure relationship. It's. It's cereal with creatine in it. And it's just called man cereal. Women don't need their brains to work. This is for men only.

[Pat]

Back off, ladies.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's so funny. I bought it. It's not cheap, but I'll let you know how it is. It's just whey protein, coconut oil.

[Pat]

I mean, if they really wanted to disguise it and hide it from the ladies, they should have just wrote HDMI cables on the outside of it. They would never buy it.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's so funny. Just like it's just cable.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, God. It's just like the old charger picture of a router. I hate you guys. Anyway, okay, so Cash Patel. Look, he did write a book. Like a adult book. I saw the one called Government Gangsters. It was written in 2023. I believe that means in 20 or 23 minutes by ChatGPT. This is not a real book. I don't know where you're putting up on the screen, but this is a fake book. Okay. I think it's important that we all get our artifice literacy in. In order to gut check of like, is it real? Is it fake? This is not like on the information page thing. Like I was it. It's truly published by Sheen copyright demo. Like they're just like need to get a fake book out. In the same way that there's fake news and there's fake. There's fake books. There's fake books. Nothing books. It's a nothing book. It was like this book was written very quickly so that his Google searches when he Got this job that he never should have gotten in the first place. He. They're, they're like, yeah, your Google search can't just be like your LinkedIn. Like, we can't just, you know, there's. This is so funny. There's a singer. I'm not gonna say who it is. And he marries like a model who's beautiful and whatever, but you can't just be beautiful anymore. You have to be like a hustler. Like, it's embarrassing for a billionaire to marry a woman that might be perceived as like a gold digger. So it's like marrying a rich guy is like, who? What's the. I feel bad. You have to have a business. You have to have a, like a lip balm. You have to have a purse line. Like, you have to have like seven jobs and like, be a mogul. Now you can't just like. And so you gotta own a Chico's. Chico's for a while I think was had the highest selling clothing brand per square foot. And before that it was bb. Okay, These are the kind of things that I do know about. And so, so he basically was like, you can't just be a model. Like, this isn't gonna be like, you need a skill, you know, I can't. Like, he married a model. Like, that's not like, what are we. So you have to be like a designer, like, have a cookbook or some like, fake job. When I tell you a year later, she had four bucks and was a full on, like the face. She had like dishes at Target and was like a person with a thing. Like the face of a thing, right? So Trump was just like, this is my guy, okay? He'll do literally anything I say. He has no integrity. We gotta get him a book, a children's book.

[Pat]

If I need a report, he will create the report in the format that I need.

[Whitney Cummings]

He can look Joe Rogan in the eye when there's a million email and be like, I think I would know. I think I would have say. He literally went like, you think I wouldn't say something if there was one. He's like, wait, hold on. Why are you on a podcast at all? Don't you run the FBI? Like, it's, it's, it's funny when you're like, John Grisham novels made me think the FBI was a serious place. And now I think now I'm like, wait a second. Why did I have more respect when like, Billy Bob Thornton was fake running it than when the real guy is actually talking? Dude, this guy said there were no Epstein files, like, like a couple months ago. And he still has a job for some reason. Okay, I've one rough joke on Twitter and I may have to cancel my Sarasota shows. But here's the point. I am changing my phone number. Someone put my number on Reddit, which honestly is so annoying because now some of my family members are going to have my information, which is a safety concern, to say the least. Look, whenever someone like Cash Patel, like a cartoon, like, goofball, like, doofus who's running something that's like, comically bad, I always am like, this has to be on purpose. This is a Will Ferrell movie where this dude. I don't know what Cash Patel was actually doing before. I don't know what he was doing. They picked this guy for a very specific reason. Like, there's something really special about him. Like, he's got brain damage that, like, helps him pass lie detector tests. Like, you know, Alex Honnold, the rock climber doesn't feel fear because his amygdala doesn't fight. Whatever it is. It's like he. He's. I am obsessed with watching someone else in their Truman show. Like Cash Patel. Dude, if we. This is where VR gog. Like, I want to just be Cash Patel for a day with his inner monologue just being like, just. We got that. But he's been select. He doesn't know. Remember Windy City Heat? So it's like that. I feel like he is being. He's in a movie he doesn't know he's in. Is that how to say it? Hello, I'm here during the lunch rush with Janice, who owns her own food truck. Best cheese steaks in town. Janice traded up to Geico Commercial Auto Insurance for her food truck business. We're here where she needs us most. They sure are. We make it so easy for her to save with customized coverage that grows with her business. Sorry, I just get so emotional talking about saving folks money. Not this onion I'm chopping. It's just so beautiful. Oh, yeah. Nice. The onion.

[Pat]

Get a commercial auto insurance quote [e-mail].

[Whitney Cummings]

And see how much you could save.

[Pat]

It feels good.

[Whitney Cummings]

To Geico. Hey, guys. This episode is sponsored by Kashape. Just kidding. It's called the Cash app. You guys, don't be an idiot. I love using Cash app because they're not criminals. Honestly. That's all you have to say at this point? They're not criminals. And I think the fda. I. I don't. I just I'm always laughing like, friends of, like, podcasters dial, like, remember all those products that we just, like, pushed on you guys during the pandemic? Sorry, where are they now? Oh, like, you didn't drink that, did you? You eat that cereal, right? Right.

[Pat]

Cash App made it through the wash.

[Whitney Cummings]

Exactly like Survive the Epstein release. Cash App. I am a big, big fan. And by the way, I, as you all know, am obsessed with Etsy. I have a hoarding problem. I'm a collector. It's called a collection. I do think it's you're hoarding if it's like, everywhere, but if you have a glass case, it's a collection. So working on getting a glass case. And they always say, can you cash at me? Can you cash at me? And when I mention any other, like, ways of payment, they're like, are you insane? That person, like, made kids mind cobalt. I'm like, what? I didn't know that.

[Pat]

Yeah, now you're making me do crime.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, gosh. So we love this new status program that is happening on Cash App. It's called Cash App Green. It unblocks new ways for you to pay, get rewarded and easily grow and manage your money on your terms. Now, when you spend at least 500amonth with the Cash App card. Just did that on a dolphin cake, the birthday cake down in Pasadena.

[Pat]

Occasion.

[Whitney Cummings]

No, just I think I'm gonna be hungry at some point tomorrow. And you use the Cash App card or the Cash App Pay, you're gonna earn Green stat unlocks benefits up to 200 of free overdraft coverage. Higher borrow limits. Custom personalized cashback offers every Friday at the places that you love to shop. Turn everyday spending into status with Cash App Green. Download Cash App today or visit Cash App New to learn more about this and other great features. Launching now for a limited time, new Cash App customers can earn $10 if they use the code CASH APP10. That is all caps C ASHAPP10 in their profile at sign up and send $5 to a friend within 14 days. The terms apply. Cash up as a financial services platform, not a bank. Services provided by Cash App's bank partners. Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton bank member fdic. Cash App Green overdraft coverage. Borrow Cashback offers and promotions provided by Cash App a Block Inc. Brand. Visit Cash App Slash Legal podcast for full disclosures. I know. Can you finish the episode first before you go to Cash App Slash Legal Slash Podcast? I know. I'm on the edge of my seat too.

[Pat]

I think half of what trump is actually doing is. He's taking now that he holds the reins on the government. He's putting people in positions where before he had the reins, he was saying, a monkey could do your job.

[Whitney Cummings]

Ah, any.

[Pat]

You don't need to know what you're doing to do your job. And you're bad at your job. And then when he gets to the position where he can appoint people, he's just like taking anybody off the street. Director of the FBI.

[Whitney Cummings]

He's going, like, see, anyone can do it.

[Pat]

So, yeah, this guy with no stats can be the FBI director. Therefore all previous FBI directors are. It's proven now they didn't even need to know what they were doing.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know what Trump is slipping on? He's funny. And he had the opportunity to do something funny and he didn't do it. He should have just hired, like, kids, like actual kids.

[Pat]

They did with Doge. The Doge arrangement was. It was a lot of 19 and 20 year olds.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, I thought you meant a lot. Must.

[Pat]

Well, that too. But no, it was. It was like a team of like nine.

[Whitney Cummings]

No, but he should have like a. Just a. Like a baby. Like a toddler. Just back.

[Pat]

FBI, the octopus that picks the World cup winners.

[Whitney Cummings]

Totally, totally. He's just put like a rotary phone, like, on the podium to like, give us, like, at least be funny about it. Because this guy isn't like, I'm a doofus. Proving that point. This guy's like, there's something up. Like, I feel like there's something we're going to find out where. It's like, he's the only specimen they were able to get four clones of. You know what I mean? Like, they had a couple cooking. You can't just have one, you know, I mean, the other ones were too glitchy. I do feel that Trump holds, like, auditions for his like. Like, maybe this guy was the only one that. It's literally like, I need you to look me in the face and say there are no Epstein files. And people came in and were like, I can't. Like, I. I can't. And they're like, go. Action. And they're like, it's like Daniel Day Lewis could not sell this. And Cash Patel said it with a straight face to Rogan. Okay, but, but Pat, it's enough with the politics. Okay, it's enough. No politics. But I did have a blast on the Daily show this week. I was in New York and I, I figured I'm, I'm, I'm gonna, I'll weigh in on politics when It's a show that doesn't have comments under it. Okay. Talk about politics on a podcast. I didn't even realize. That's like walking to, like, a crowd of people and just throwing a grenade and just getting out of there. It's like the comment section is like. Like, it's like when you get an X ray and the person doing it, like, sprints out of the room and you're like, hold on. I have so many questions now. I was like, why did you scramble out of here? Like, why are you wearing a hat over your face? Like, what? So politics is. It's out, it's done. It's so. It's too. It's. It's expired. There's no. It's just shadow boxing. It's masturbatory. It's masochistic. Talking about politics casually is like. It's like going into a bar and just be like, want to go. Like, it's. It's. You're starting a fight. That's all you're doing is starting a fight. If you bring up, like, period, the end, it's just like. It's so confrontational. Even when you don't mean it to be. It just inherently is. It's like, you know, it's how you kind of challenge someone to a duel on the Internet. At this point, you can't hear about politics and then go on with your day. No one's like, okay, well, what next? The whole day, you're like, well, was that true? Was that. And you're sending links to the person. You're like, well, that's not what I'm. Here's what I meant. So if politics is tacky, let's. Let's talk about something with class. Okay? Let's do the he's and the hahas. Let's get back to being an entertainer. Okay? Let's just do comedy. Okay? I know silence is violence. Well, you're probably the same person where, if I did say something, you'd be like, why did you say that and not this? And why aren't you me? Why? That's it. Why aren't you me? People are so mad. And the people that are the maddest that you're not them, are also the people that believe they are the most unique person on earth. I'm the most special, irreplaceable person on the planet. Also, why aren't you exactly like me? And then their whole social media is like, just be yourself. Everyone else is taken. Like, you're my mom. I used to do this thing. When I had a Tumblr blog, it was a pretty big deal, Pat. It was called Princess Complex. And I would talk about my current obsessions. That's when you could, like, have ocd and no one, like, freaked out about it. And it's. You know what it is? This is my. Like, the. The segment we used to do that's like, don't panic. Like, all the things you think are destroying us may just be the best thing that ever happened. I think we're so wired to just everything we see. We're like, apocalypse. Like, everything. It's like, look, glamping. Everyone's like, oh, it's the end of the world. Why? Who cares? People are going. Women are going to the woods to put on makeup. Sick, dude. We've always done that. Female warriors were putting on blood on their cheeks. Like, this is our. This is. It's the same thing we've done. We've done it. Not everything is bad, okay? And you're gonna think I'm wrong. You're gonna think I'm wrong. I'm more. I'm warning you, you're about to be wrong. I want to talk about TikTok Shop. Now. Listen to me very carefully, okay? Yes, it is the QVC on steroids. Abyss of Nightmares, but also dreams. Like, I don't. I don't know how to explain this, but Tick Tock Shop will fix your life. It's. Sometimes there's such a thing as healthy addictions. Okay? I had not been on Tick Tock Shop until very recently. And you know that I'm an Etsy girl. I'm like an Etsy vulture. I like picking through people's sculptures made out of buttons, you know? But Tick Tock Job, it's like. It's my new addiction. And I'm honestly, I think it's what's like killing entertainment. Because it's like, why would you go to a comedy show? Why would you go see a movie if you could just, like, scroll Tick Tock Shop? It's like an emporium of madness. I'm telling you. It has, like, anymore the most, like. Remember Spencer's Gifts? We used to go into stores that were just, like, goofy. It's like half, like, Spencer's gift meets, like, Walmart. Remember the Sky Mall catalog? We used to have a catalog and airplanes that had, like, a fish tank. Aquarium. Fish tank. We had dreams and aspirations. A desk, that's a fish tank. A coffee table that's a fish tank.

[Pat]

Brookstone.

[Whitney Cummings]

Brookstone. Okay. It's also kind of a prop house because everyone's a content creator now, so there's lots of, like, costumes. It's like a. The spirit Halloween. Like full time Christmas store. Full time Halloween store. It's. It's cameras and drones and footage and ring lights and, like, you know, tampons that film. Like, it's. You can buy a sky for your house. Like a clouds that go on your ceiling.

[Pat]

Have you ordered anything off of TikTok shop?

[Whitney Cummings]

Have I.

[Pat]

Does it arrive as expected?

[Whitney Cummings]

Unclear to me.

[Pat]

It just. It totally reeks of like. This is going to be five times smaller than you think it is.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, I actually. Etsy is where I get in jams with being like, this is such a steal. This desk is only $200 and it's dollhouse furniture. And it comes so I am.

[Pat]

It looks like it's metal and it's like bri. Very brittle plastic.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm accidentally collecting dollhouse furniture. Or it's 3D printed.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay. So I can. Oh, well. My favorite thing currently on TikTok is a DJ that mixes songs with a Creed song and says. Does it Creed?

[Pat]

Are you're talking about the American hero?

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. Yes.

[Pat]

On TikTok.

[Whitney Cummings]

He's my guy. Okay. My orders. Your orders. Okay, your orders. Reviews. No orders. It does come. The packaging is definitely. Looks like it was quickly wrapped by a child.

[Pat]

All the products look like just some AI rendering of an image with some price and no layer of accountability on how you're getting it, who you're paying, or what to do when it shows up. And it's weird.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. No, it's like this is a basket that can go up the stairs. Okay. This is a side table that turns into dog steps for your bed.

[Pat]

Okay.

[Whitney Cummings]

Judge your mouth. This is a. A yo life. I don't know what it is. It's. I seem to have ordered it. It is a. It's just a squishy thing. A mo. It's a little mochi that you squeeze.

[Pat]

Okay.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Do you feed it to your dog?

[Whitney Cummings]

Nope. I just. It's just. It's the connective tissue that holds me together mentally, I think is what you mean to say. Oh, my God. Three pieces of handmade mochi stress relief toy. Three pieces, large, comma, random color. You're gonna get a random color.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

They're like. We're not. We're just gonna level with you here. We are not sure.

[Pat]

Here's your upfront layer of customer service.

[Whitney Cummings]

We don't know how this is gonna come out. We are unclear what concoction we put together. We do not have a license to do any of this. Okay. This is pistachio sauce. Like sweet pistachio sauce. This is. Oh, dude, this was a journey. These are eggs. Soft boiled eggs that you get in a. You can have whenever you want. Freeze. Suction. Wrapped.

[Pat]

Really vacuum sealed.

[Whitney Cummings]

Vacuum sealed. Hard boiled eggs. Wow. You can't be the person that's constantly going like, it's the apocalypse and not have eggs ready for the apocalypse. Y' all are over there being like, it's the apocalypse. I'm just enjoying life and prepping casually. Okay. I'm over here pickling. Got my getting chickens in order. Okay. This is actually a great. It's a hat box that you put all your caps in. Hold on. Look at that cat box.

[Pat]

Boom.

[Whitney Cummings]

In a time where we can control truly nothing. If you know where, like your hats are in an order. You know what I mean? It's like we're all at our boiling point. If I see a hat just in the back of my car and it's like, that's it. It's a straw that breaks the camel's back. We're all just trying to not have a very benign, mundane, small thing being out of place be the straw that breaks the camel's back. So these kind of organizational solutions, I believe are. Are quite important. This is a. Oh, that never came. A lot of these are kids.

[Pat]

And who do you tell? You know, you just.

[Whitney Cummings]

You.

[Pat]

You tell your audience.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm. That's why I'm doing this. I would just like to call out all the brands that have. That didn't send me my. Oh, well, the store is called Tricky Store. Hey, it's called Tricky Store. This is a two in one. These are scissors for food.

[Pat]

And like, this is if anybody has ever wondered why. Tick tock.

[Whitney Cummings]

This is what. I don't know what this. I've been wondering what this was.

[Pat]

This is what it's all been building up to.

[Whitney Cummings]

This is what on my desk. Okay. These are swimming. This is the swimming fins, Handheld mesh fins so that we can return to the aquatic lifestyle.

[Pat]

Are you going to web up your hands with those?

[Whitney Cummings]

Dude, See, here's the thing. This is. Do you mean what you said? Are you for real or not? So don't be the person that's like, the water's rising and there's climate change. If you don't have hand fins. I don't believe it.

[Pat]

Pop quiz. Which one's the thumb hole?

[Whitney Cummings]

It would have to be this one, right? My fingers don't fit. Any of these. So this is for when this. All you climate change people that are yelling about the paper straws, which are the paper straws. Those aren't great either, right?

[Pat]

It's for shape of water role play.

[Whitney Cummings]

This is so we, you know, swim the swim. Guys, I've got them. I'm ready. Let's see. This is a. I ordered two of those. This is when I thought I was gonna go harder in the paint with my social media presence. Now I'm retiring. But this is a travel ring light thing. Like, on a plane, you can record content. Like, Jesus, guys, here's your airline fight starter.

[Pat]

Ever wanted to get punched on an airplane? Here's a ring light. You attach it to the seat, and.

[Whitney Cummings]

If you got your web fingers, like, you have to get a pretty good slap with these.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, God. These. Oh. This is actually kind of funny. It's a game where there's a ball that goes down this maze. It's like a seesaw that goes back and forth, and you have to answer in the amount of time. And if that. The ball doesn't cross. And if you. The other person gets more time, the longer time you take. And I want to start doing it for, like, arguments.

[Pat]

Okay.

[Whitney Cummings]

This is a happy plus TK no one knows what it is. It looks like. Oh, it's a water spout that goes up instead of down.

[Pat]

Oh, nice.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Pat]

So it'll shoot the water out of the sink.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know, it was wrong.

[Pat]

That whole time in the sink, those.

[Whitney Cummings]

Plumbers, it's been wrong.

[Pat]

They had it pointed obviously in the wrong direction.

[Whitney Cummings]

You guys, you know your faucet, like, water goes down. Yeah. Everything. Y' all been done.

[Pat]

You stuck in the 90s, dorks.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay, okay. There's a car that only goes in reverse. It's. Dude, I don't know what to tell you. Okay? It's. It's. I don't know why it seems hopeful. It seems like there's a lot of things. Like, we're still trying to live.

[Pat]

I'm going to make 3D printer. And when you buy the 3D printer.

[Whitney Cummings]

Can you 3D print? A 3D printer?

[Pat]

Yes. That's awesome. But it'll print all the things that didn't show up from TikTok shop.

[Whitney Cummings]

But better quality than I would you just.

[Pat]

Load in the image of what you ordered that didn't show up.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm just telling you. It's like there's. You can get a whole ceiling. That's LED clouds. All right. It's a lot of. It's A lot. At first I'm like, this is so magical. I know what you're thinking. I know it's a lot of home decor that turns your home into a rainforest cafe, which I am all for. Okay. The happiest days of my life were spent in a rainforest Cafe. Remember, there was like, a storm would happen halfway through your dinner.

[Pat]

Yeah. And you get water from the ceiling.

[Whitney Cummings]

It smelled moldy, but it was, like, better. It smelled better than the mold in my home. It was a step up from the leaks in the ceiling of my house. But look, it. It. What it does is if you can just go into it with an open mind and just scroll and don't get angry, it really helps you understand the sort of cold, hard facts, the real truth of the matter, which is that as a species, we are. We're not going outside anymore. Like, it's like going outside to go see a thing. It's. It's. It's pick me. Frankly, it's desperate to get in a car and you're going to put on pants. Like, no one's ready to go see a sunset. Like, what are we, five? Like, we're not going to go see clouds. We're not going to go. Look, you buy a projector off TikTok Shop. You put this. I do. I now project fully. You can project an ocean on the wall. You can get a YouTube video that's, like an hour long. The guy that did the YouTube video, that's just a fireplace for an hour, made a million dollars.

[Pat]

He's probably moved on to fish tanks by now.

[Whitney Cummings]

I do, by the way, this is where mental health professionals are at this point. Okay. I won't take anything. You know, having postpartum depression is a whole. What? I've already talked about it. It's so boring. But therapists, like, they're literally getting the point to where they're just going, I don't know. Have you tried projecting rain on your wall to battle seasonal depression you live in. There's no seasons in California. So now I project rain on my wall when I go to bed. I've never been happier. And it has nothing to do with having a kid. Okay. I figured out how to project a sunset. I'll project ocean waves. I'm not going to the beach. Can I tell you, I do think screensavers sort of eased us into this. Like, screensavers made this simulation or this, like, simulacrum so that we saw the simulated best version of something. So when we started seeing the real version, it was a bummer Right. Like, screensavers were always beaches and oceans and, like, gorgeous views. So when we did actually go to the beach, we were like, oh, I never could do the beach after having a screensaver. I mean, granted, I'm like, at a computer, like, all day. So I'm staring at, like a gorgeous beach all day in a chair, staring at a gorgeous beach. Like, relaxed is relaxing. Right? Then you go to the beach and it's just like, this is a lot of rigmarole. Like, the sand is just blonde dirt. You'll never change my mind. I actually think sand is dirtier because no one walks around in dirt with their bare feet and stuff. Like. Right. So TikTok shop is. It's a lot of how to make your space look magical, you know, before it's over. Which could kind of be any minute now. And if you're going to be scrolling negative stuff all the time, you might as well be living in, you know, an actual dream state. It's. Look, I can't. I can't stress enough how it's like mandatory from, like an anthropological angle. Right. To go. You'll really see what humans are up to, like where we're going, how we're evolving. Because it also tells you how many have been purchased. So we'll say like, 472 people bought this today. And you're like, I don't know how many looked at it and didn't buy it. I didn't know. But like, when it's like a calculator, it's like two people bought it in the last. It'll say like, you know, and then it's like simulated clouds on a ceiling. And it's like 9,000 people bought it in the last 20 seconds. You're like, so people are just over here stapling clouds on there. Remember we used to put like, neon stars as kids? People are like, we're going back to the womb.

[Pat]

Yeah. My doom scrolling is going to show up in my room.

[Whitney Cummings]

Around me it's a lot of also exotic food and like, toys for adults. Not sexual ones, like huge Rubik's cubes, like video games. It has like, remember Duck Hunt? The Nintendo Duck Hunt. It's like mini Nintendo thing.

[Pat]

Like, it's emulators.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. It has a lot of candy. It's a lot of like, chocolate and choking hazards. There's also a big, like, fidget world, which I didn't know a lot about. Like, you know, I think that people are on their phones all day. The last thing they're going to want to do is. But there's like, click, click, click, click, click. A thing just clicks. It's like a John. John's. Like, things that don't have a name. I'm obsessed with things that everybody knows what it is, but it doesn't have a name. Like, you know the ball, the clackers? That's like two balls and you just like, clack, clack, clack. Like, what's that called?

[Pat]

It's like a double pendulum thing with the.

[Whitney Cummings]

But no one knows what it's called. It's a lot of the things that no one knows what it's called, but we all kind of know that. Knickknacks, trinkets. Like, I don't. We don't know what to do with our hands. I think we're going to evolve to. Not to. We'll evolve back down. Right? So it's like we're evolving. Stand up now. We're our. We might not need. We don't know what to do with our hands when we're not holding our phones. We need something to physically stop us from reaching into our pocket and, like, mindlessly grab our phone. People gotta click. They gotta. There's a thing that you can pop zits on a fake face. It's a giant head and you can just, like, pop zits. There's things you can like, pop little balls out of a. Like a silicone, like, sponge thing. Like, I mean, we used to. We used to use our hands. I get. Now what do we do? Do you remember? You would. I guess in high school, you would doodle. We would doodle. Or you know what? I guess we've always been like this. We would squeeze zits just sitting there. We'd just be like. We would just, like, squeeze a zit. We would bite our nails. Humans, even without the phone addiction, we just start eating our flesh. We start eating our own flesh. We start eating ourselves. I mean, we've been anxious for, like, anxiety's not new.

[Pat]

Well, there's a certain amount of work that before modern technology, a person had to do to survive. Every day, every week, every month, every season, busy work. They've replaced doing all of that work with other people doing it or automatic.

[Whitney Cummings]

Or productivity versus busy work. It used to be like I planted this seed and it grew and this. Like, I sent all these emails, and the person still does know what I'm talking about. This episode is brought to you by Honey Love. If you've ever bought a bra or shapewear that looked promising and then you spent the day adjusting it Peeling it off or having to get, like, a retroactive tetanus shot because you've been impaled. Steve Irwin's, like, from Heaven was like, that looked painful. Honey love is the opposite of that nightmare I love. Okay, so this is actually real talk. Honey love is. I don't like bras that hate me. I. I don't. There's this thing now where we talk about, like, women were oppressed and they had to wear corsets. And now we're like, here's an extra $50 versus a corset. Like, why we don't have to do this anymore. Like, this. This. Like these. It also. It's not hot. It's because I'm mad. I think guys would prefer you to be, like, in a. No, they don't care. They.

[Pat]

You gotta, like, an angry rack every now and then. That's not bad.

[Whitney Cummings]

They're called fun bags, not. No, fun bags, not grumpy bags. I just don't think that wearing a bra should be punishment. Like, I just. I. So this is honey love. I'm all about honey love. Look, sneak peek. Sneak peek. There's my bra. It. It's. I sleep in it. That's how comfortable it is. I'm serious. Treat yourself to the most advanced bras and shaper on the market. Use our exclusive link to save 20 off [e-mail] Whitney. That's honeylove.com Whitney. After you check out, they're gonna ask you where you heard about them. And you know what? Support the show. The way these brassieres, these over the shoulder boulder holders, support your honkers and tell them that we sent you. Okay. Experience the new standard and comfort and support with Honey Love.

[Pat]

Well, yeah, or whatever. You could shout at the wall all day long and, like, clackity clack or whatever, but, like, taking care of your stuff, making food, washing your own car.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pat]

Fixing your own car, doing.

[Whitney Cummings]

No, no. But how dare you? Because this will put Tick Tock Shop out of business. Because it's all gadgets that'll do those things for you. It makes it harder. Absolutely. I love a gadget that makes things harder. It's supposed to make it easier. There's nothing better. But look, this is. By the way. Oh, did you think this was a book? Oh, lol. Boom. There's all my makeup hidden in a book. Always. All my boxes look like books. Now if you. And I never know where my blush is, I'm like, where? And I'm like, hit it from myself. Love It. I love a thing that makes your life better and then it also makes it harder. I'm obsessed with that. Also. Everything on TikTok shop, it'll say, like, Ships in 24 hours from Thailand stand. You're like, where you can get things from countries that only exist in fiction. It's like, it's like made in Narnia while a waterbed from Atlantis. That's not what. Like. Like, this is from Middle Earth. Like, where do you get this stuff? Like, there's robotic devices too, that there's no way they're like regulated or like, made with any. We don't know what's in there. It used to be like, mom, how did you and dad meet? Now it's going to be like, mom, what site did you buy the robot that raised me from?

[Pat]

Well, they're all just Trojan horsing a thing into your house to get connected to your wi fi. That's what half of this stuff is.

[Whitney Cummings]

I can't get connected to my Godspeed. You know what? God speed, dude, if you can get connected to my wi fi, take whatever you want. Just tell me how you did it. So what is the Darwinism on that? Who's the lucky. The people that, like, lived more remotely are going to be better off because they didn't have good WI fi.

[Pat]

They might have less financial tragedy in their life.

[Whitney Cummings]

Or if you just have Verizon, we're going to end up thanking Verizon for having such bad reception this whole time.

[Pat]

But there's going to be something that's really cute that all the kids want, and it's going to connect to the Internet and it's going to absolutely obliterate people's finances. It's going to get everybody's banking, login, cell phone login, Apple id, all that. It's going to collect all that stuff.

[Whitney Cummings]

See, that's where you go.

[Pat]

This is where it's like, wipe people out.

[Whitney Cummings]

I've. I'm always so off with this, where I'm like, what. Where does all the footage of our babies go? There's a. Do you know what I mean? There's a lot of footage of babies sleeping. Like, when I'm looking at the baby monitor, I'm just like, is this. Where is this all going? Does it just delete?

[Pat]

It's a. Well, there's. I mean, there's theories about that too. There's this thing called the haystack method, which is collect everything. And then when something happens, you have it. You have everything you need to go and trace it all back and look at all the details.

[Whitney Cummings]

Right, right, right, right.

[Pat]

And that's from like a surveillance state perspective.

[Whitney Cummings]

Also, this should remove the need to study kids. Feel like, I need to study toddler sleep habits. Like, you've got. You know what? We've got it.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

You might not need to hang out with toddlers that aren't yours all day. I feel like we have the foot. Like, yeah, I'm just. I'm sorry, I can't see. Bad mood. I got. I went, oh, and now I'm back, though. It doesn't matter. Okay. They've got. Dude, they have something called lazy glasses. Okay. They are glasses. So you can lay down and read your phone at the same time with.

[Pat]

Like a mirror on it or something.

[Whitney Cummings]

Exactly. It great for people who want to choke on a mint while reading their phone. Okay. It's. Have you not seen these? They're glasses. So you can lie down flat and then be able to.

[Pat]

And it'll look down your.

[Whitney Cummings]

This is not for a handicapped person. This is a. This is like, I'm obsessed. When. When someone in a business is like, yeah, we think we should go into production. I don't think people are sitting up anytime soon. Like, I don't. I don't. I think this is like, we should. We should run it. It's time. No one was like, do we come? So we're solving the that, but what about just like that?

[Pat]

Well, that's when the sales figures get really interesting.

[Whitney Cummings]

But our biggest product is the crunch machine, the sit up machine. Don't you think people want to sit? Like, that's an extra sit up. Are people trying to get in shape and live forever or are they decided that they're corpses and they're just going to put glasses on their moribund bodies to scroll that last hateful comment that's keeping them alive. That. That is the adrenaline in their veins giving them something to live for. I mean, it's kind of. It's. The female urinal systems are big on tik tok. You don't even have to leave your bed to go to the bathroom. Don't get up to pee. How you think I have that kind of time in between sleeping all day and sleeping all night. Do you know how depression works? Okay. It is. It's cute though, too. It's like, here's my cute catheter. The paid partnership catheters for cuties.

[Pat]

Like Kathy's catheter.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's like, it's literally. It says, like, it also can be used at music festivals. Which, by the way, we don't have to always be like men. Can we be less like men? Sorry. This whole thing was like, equality, like, women's equality. It doesn't mean be like, guys, we don't need to pee standing up. I don't need to straddle this item that may or may not have been made by kids. I need to know who makes it if I'm going to be straddling it at all. First of all, also, guys can just pee in anything. We can only pee in things that are shaped like a canoe. Like, there's, it's like, it's just where you. And carrying this around a music festival. I just. Someone needs that product. And when I tell you, I think, like, 14, 000 people have purchased it, and I'm like, I, okay, I know we're not gonna track people's data. I just, I want, I'm just. How much to just tell me. Let me read the text messages of the person who bought this product for, like, a week. Like, I'm begging you.

[Pat]

It's probably. I'm stuck in traffic again.

[Whitney Cummings]

I think I'm gonna myself, I'm selling my piss on Craigslist and this is how I capture it. I just, you can't sell a product like this and show me how many people are buying it and not give me live ring camera footage into their home. Like, it's making me like a peeping Tom.

[Pat]

I mean, combining that data with traffic data and giving that to a city planner. Great idea. Like, listen, what you've created is a bathroom trap to get across town where.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know, maybe this is these. It's like ambulance chasing in a weird way of, like, traffic's worse than ever. What do people need to be able to pee in their car? Yeah, like, the people that just, like, get rich off of the worst things that are happening in society.

[Pat]

Secondary issue. Like, everyone's on their phone while they're driving.

[Whitney Cummings]

I love.

[Pat]

Traffic is moving slower. People are peeing themselves in their car.

[Whitney Cummings]

This is triumphant. These are silver lining people. They're like, I could sit around and complain about traffic, or I can become rich off of people needing to pee on the freeway. I, I, there's something very deeply American about it.

[Pat]

It's easier to get people to accept traffic than to fix traffic.

[Whitney Cummings]

There's a level of shamelessness in these devices that are just half fight but also half, like, healthy surrender. We're not fixing traffic. That ship sailed. We're pissing in our cars. Okay. Also, there's something. There's like a, there's a big, like section. I don't know what to call it. The store, I guess. What do you call, like a space? Online space that's like exercise all the time, like multitasking. It's, it's the pelvic floor trainers is a big deal on TikTok shop. Okay. Which is like, I. Great. Thank you. Good. You know what? Good. We always thought that living forever was gonna come in a pill form. Now it's just thousands of TikTok items to refinish your pelvic floor. Like what?

[Pat]

It's a good follow up item for anybody buying the travel urinal.

[Whitney Cummings]

I just mean anyone that's inventing the pelvic floor machine. Can we like, invent a new word for pelvic floor for, like, why do women's organs need to be referred to as like the most worn out and used part of al? Like, it's like, it's I, I. Look, we get it. You guys don't want us to have given birth. Loud and clear. We got it. But like, this is why I had postpartum depression in the first place. The second you give birth, all your ads are like, how to get your undercarriage as tight as possible within like two weeks. Like, guys, I think the thing I really love about it is that it's, it's made if you have OCD and ADD and all those things which I think are superpowers. I know some people can't get out of their beds and. But, you know, I think we can all agree that I'm not focusing isn't where I shine. And it's for, it's for people. Like, I want to do four things at once. I do well, I do them well. It doesn't really matter. This is my comfort zone. I, I cannot be in the present moment. I refuse to be in the present moment. And I'm gonna do a couple things at once. Like, I'm gonna be exercising at all times. Some of us focus better when we're doing a couple other things. Right? Like, that's the fidgets and stuff like that. There's people, I mean, there's items in here that people buy that are. You're trading your Kegels while you're driving. I mean, I don't even think these devices are legal. Like, like they outlawed, like, cell phones. Talking on the phone and driving. It was about holding the phone. It was about your attention being distracted. Right? It just, there's, I, it's just I love how all over the place it is because this is so deeply, I think, the people in my life, the extremes of, like, I am bedridden for a week, and now I am David Goggins for a week. Like, just the pendulum swinging back and forth like, I'm going 247 and then I'm going to be so sedentary that I have to wear glasses to see my own phone.

[Pat]

A Kegel Trainer that is connected to the brake system of the car is a pretty solid training. You just got to slow down, got to stop that car.

[Whitney Cummings]

You get in an accident, dude, it is. Make it. Make it okay. I'm just obsessed because I'm trying to figure out. Because you know, how suspicious I am of people that are always so busy. I'm like, really? You order on Postmates, you get everything on Amazon. You. You don't go to the bank, we don't run errands anymore. It's the people that are the most busier, the ones that have the most digital wallets and the apps and all the stuff. I'm like, so you should technically have saved like six hours a week that you were doing chores and now you're just back to back. What are you doing? I'm so confused. How are we. Are we at capacity or do we have too much time on our hands? I can't tell. I spend most of my time trying to save time in the future.

[Pat]

I think most people are trying to figure out how to make twice as much money as they currently make.

[Whitney Cummings]

Right, right, right.

[Pat]

So every second that they save is being put back into the effort to try and make more money with like a side hustle or whatever.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's right. So they're using. So there's this time they save. They're trying to do a second job that's doable or a second source of income.

[Pat]

Yeah. Or like selling stuff on Tik Tok Sh. Like there's people with jobs and selling the stuff on Tik.

[Whitney Cummings]

And because the corporate job they have is probably fake, they can do their hustle at work.

[Pat]

Sure.

[Whitney Cummings]

Technically. Because they're just sending pointless emails or whatever. And they're probably going to get replaced by Chachi BT or whatever.

[Pat]

Yeah. They have to figure out their hustle asap.

[Whitney Cummings]

Something like human made that is desirable. Yeah, I just. Do we need. Honestly, this is it. They're probably thinking of this stuff and gag gifts, dude. Even if everyone only buys them once, then you move on to your next one. You know what I mean? You don't need to sell something. It can be ephemeral. A big Thing on. There are lollipops that play music. Huh? People are just gonna try them to go. It's like a garbage Pail Kid card where you're like. But everyone that comes over, I'm like, this is like, yeah.

[Pat]

No one's gonna be like, I hate that song, but the lollipop is delicious.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like putting your finger in a. A plug. It's licking a battery. Like, literally licking a battery is what this is. Okay. Like, there's no way to sell a lollipop that plays music in your jawbone is the thing. It's like, hate earbuds in your ear. Worried about EMFs. Gag on it. Then just skip the brain altogether. Like, why not? Honestly, listening to music at this point with your ears is like the missionary of listening to music. Why not switch it up? Okay. What? Why? Why is taste have to be food? Why can't we taste anger? I mean, you see, people salivate when they're angry. I mean, look, AI is taking over, and I think we should throw them off. All we can do right now is throw them off so that they'll be obsolete right away because we're so unpredictable. Or we're already doing something different than they would have started amalgamating, right? Suck on your music. See fun instead of having it. Truly, all we have to do right now is. Is watch people have fun. Watch people have fun. Because if you actually do have fun, then the AI is going to know what we do for fun. They can't know we go on roller coasters or drive jet skis. They're gonna start rigging them. Right? We can't be like, here's all the electronics that we go 80 miles an hour in the ocean with. Like, we've got to stop giving them so many ways to kill us. We've got to stop giving them so many machines that they can hack for our fun. Right? Like, would that do it? Is this normalizing? Putting electronics down our gullet? I think there we have to draw a line somewhere with electronics in our bodies, in our eyeballs, like, chips in our eyes, maybe music in our throat. We've put weirder things in our mouth, I'll tell you that. Okay. We did wear headgear. Is that still a thing?

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

You've seen kids in headgear?

[Pat]

Yeah. Well, there's. There's people that are voluntarily doing headgear to shape their face as a young adult. It's a whole culture.

[Whitney Cummings]

She hadn't told me that.

[Pat]

Looks maxing where people are.

[Whitney Cummings]

How old are they?

[Pat]

They're, you know, anywhere from like 15 to 30. They're bolting into the roof of their mouth. They're bolting into it, and then they're putting apparatus on there. That's like, reshaping their. Their upper mandible and then their jaw. And they're reshaping their face with, like, a ratchet crank thing.

[Whitney Cummings]

How do they know what it's going to turn out to look like?

[Pat]

Some guy on TikTok shop explained it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Is that true?

[Pat]

Now they're bolting something to the roof of their mouth? Yeah, it's a thing. It's.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know, the guys can make their legs longer now. Have you seen them?

[Pat]

Yeah, the shin extension thing. Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

They're all just like Woody from Toy Story. Yeah, they're just like, look at my new legs. Aren't they sick? You're like, way. I don't think they've worked out the kinks yet.

[Pat]

I know.

[Whitney Cummings]

So is it. They sh. They cut the leg. They cut the leg and then put, like, steel in there.

[Pat]

Yeah. Like a rod. Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's heartbreak. I mean, I guess. You know what? I'm glad guys have insecurities now, too. It's fine. Women, we've been putting just, like, pool floats in our chest for, like, a while now. Okay. But, like, I feel like calf implants. Height. What is it? Augmentation? What would you even call it?

[Pat]

Leg implants.

[Whitney Cummings]

Leg implants, Leg extensions. That's not what it's called, is it?

[Pat]

Depends on how much you want to spend on it.

[Whitney Cummings]

They're like, we can call it whatever you want, but at the end of the day, we're breaking your leg in turkey. At the end of the day, we're putting an Ikea IKEA table leg into your. To your freaking Achilles heel. Oh, my God, dude. What is happening? What? We. What? Have we not been clear about the short king thing? Like, I feel like short king has, like, that's not our fault. You guys did that. Men shame each other. You guys shame each other, too.

[Pat]

Pretty patronizing. The.

[Whitney Cummings]

The what?

[Pat]

If you've ever heard a. A lady or a group of ladies say you go short king, like, oh, that's pretty bad.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay.

[Pat]

Sort of a. I thought.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's like, women, they're like, I love.

[Pat]

Ruffle their hair a little bit while they're doing.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't do that because I know that. I know the history of short men and what they've done. If you make fun of a man's height, he will, like, start A war.

[Pat]

Leg lengthening surgery.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's called level. I love it when something is exactly what you think it was.

[Pat]

Starts off with a bone.

[Whitney Cummings]

They're not like shin journey or just like shin.

[Pat]

Shin magic.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, yeah. It's just like leg lengthening, but I want to be like, height augmented or, like vertical velocity increasement. Like, I feel like there's a better way to.

[Pat]

Yeah, yeah. The vertical annihilation.

[Whitney Cummings]

And what's this cost? What's it cost to get taller these days?

[Pat]

Oh, man. I'm sure there's countries you can pick from. Turkey's probably huge.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pat]

Anywhere from like 70 to 150k.

[Whitney Cummings]

Sorry.

[Pat]

And there's. I'm sure there's limits. Like, they probably wouldn't make you any more than six inches taller.

[Whitney Cummings]

I feel like we could normalize. Men wearing heels faster and better than this is going to get figured out. You know what I mean?

[Pat]

Yeah, they kind of have.

[Whitney Cummings]

They figured it out. Do you think there's any.

[Pat]

I mean, cowboy boots? Do you think there's all kinds of.

[Whitney Cummings]

Any chance there's anyone we know that has had this and we don't know?

[Pat]

Oh, man.

[Whitney Cummings]

If, if, if it was, if there was a person, I feel like I know exactly who I think it would be.

[Pat]

It feels like the kind of surgery that you would elect to have before you move to a new city.

[Whitney Cummings]

I feel like Andrew Santino could have this. He's got a short personality sometimes. And I'm like, you're tall. Like, were you short? Like, you know, some people are like, I was a fat kid, so I have a fat kid personality.

[Pat]

Maybe he is one of those people that grew, like, 11 inches.

[Whitney Cummings]

I had that, like, 19 to 23 Oscar slaughters representation. Barely have a knee.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Can't cross my legs under a table to save my life. But there's certain people, I feel like you can, like, you're, like, you're an insecure tall guy. Let me see your shins.

[Pat]

Well, I'm not particularly short, but.

[Whitney Cummings]

No, you're talking.

[Pat]

I did, I did play basketball growing up, so I was constantly around people that were much.

[Whitney Cummings]

I think I'm short. Me, too. Same, same.

[Pat]

I, I, I have that sort of perspective.

[Whitney Cummings]

We were the shortest, even though we're tall.

[Pat]

A lot of. Yeah. A lot of my formative years were spent looking up to people that were my own age.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, see, that's good, though. Another thing. Sorry, I just have to say this because I can't stop thinking about it, and there's something just it, it's fake braces is big fake teeth braces, like grills but like for women. But they look like medical braces. Some of them have like, they're like blinged out, you know.

[Pat]

Oh, that's like, it's got to be a fetish thing.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's, it's almost, I feel like the biggest flex you can have at this point is to have medical care. Like fake braces is like, I mean some of them like have little like crystals and stuff in them, which is truly like what r. Kelly promised 12 year old girls. It's like a weird like thing to invent. But I'm always obsessed with what people carry or have on them to try to let people know that they have money. Like, especially women, you know, like, like fake designer purses were all like, just like, no, you don't need your money. Like I like I'm independent, whatever. Which by the way, everyone should buy fake. Everyone should buy fake. Even if you can afford real, buy fake. Like it's such a crazy waste of money. But. And if anyone cares, they're the fake ones are cooler and they're making them.

[Pat]

At the same factories for even if.

[Whitney Cummings]

That wasn't the case, it's cooler to be like, yeah, this was $20.

[Pat]

Well no, they are, they're just doing a night. They're doing a night shift. Whoever owns the factory does a night shift with their own employees. And they make the stuff they were making during the day and they make it at night with maybe some different ingredients, but they're using all the same stuff.

[Whitney Cummings]

So funny this stuff. And then remember when Gucci did g uccy like on their actual stuff. Just be like, this was what a fake one would look like. Yeah, like a fake name that they couldn't. And then sold it for Gucci with an eye price. And you're just like, dude, con art gold diggers. There was like a golden age for them. They could just go to the, the IV or whatever they would do. They would go to whatever. And now it's like you gotta, you gotta, you gotta convince them that you don't want their men. Used to just be like, you want my I've got gold and you don't. This is gonna work great. Now it's like, are you, is your money real? And then guys have to be like, do. Are you trying to take my money? Right? Even though it's all bitcoin and it's fake. Do you have my bitcoin password?

[Pat]

Because I don't pre Internet stuff. It's like, you could only compare what you had or what someone you knew had in person with other real people that you're interacting with in person. Like, if you met someone who was, oh, they're so strong they can bench press £450, they must be the strongest person in the world. There's always somebody stronger.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Pat]

There's always somebody richer, whatever.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Pat]

But until you meet them, that's the strongest person you know. That's the richest person you know. But now everybody's able to compare and contrast the world over all day long on the Internet.

[Whitney Cummings]

So it's like, but what is irrefutably expensive? A flex and not fake.

[Pat]

Everything that somebody tries to flex financially on the Internet is, is going to be shoved back down their throat because there's not only a million people with a better version of it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Pat]

But it's. I can show it to you right now. Oh, you think that's a great. You think that's an awesome Rolls Royce? That's what broke rich people buy.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Here's the car you should get.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, if you're a guy and you're at the club and you see a bunch of girls with their Gucci and Chanel, you're like, and you're looking for, like, a wife. You're like, bad at business, waste money. She must have some sugar daddy. Or she spends her money on stupid things. You see a girl in braces, you're like, working on herself, comes from nothing, earn money, never gonna stop improving herself.

[Pat]

Priorities are straight.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's exactly it. Health care that does that's not covered by insurance. Responsible. Like, that is the, like, guy in a park with a puppy at the dog park. And you're like, I'll marry you right now. Like, that's wife material. But it's also the push up bra of the face. It's like you got to take it off at some point and be like, it was fake. I guess you could say it was a retainer. Like, and I still use the retainer. What is the point of fake braces? Help me understand.

[Pat]

Well, if you have good teeth and you wear fake braces for that effect.

[Whitney Cummings]

I will be getting a gold tooth any minute.

[Pat]

You just take them off and you're like, they worked. And then you don't have braces anymore. But you did catch somebody with them, somebody who wants you in braces also.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, if you think all those things and we start talking and then I take them out and I'm like, they're fake. If you don't think that's funny. You suck. Like, it's funny. They're fake braces. It's the realest thing in here. Okay. Is my. My fake braces are the realest thing you have seen all night. Like, it's funny. I just love, like, a. Like a. Just like a. An accessory. Like, I can't wear an accessory for longer than, like, 20 minutes. I just feel like carrot Top. Like, I just start panning it. Like, if I have, like, a headband on within 20 minutes, I'm like, I can't pull this off. People are like, okay, headband girl. Like, it's just like, it's one time I've told you this story, but I have to release this shame because it eats me. So I was trying to stop chewing gum because it just seems gross. And, like, I don't just. So I was like, you know what? Tea tree toothpicks. Just toothpick. My aunts do it. It's a toothpick. There's always a. There was. She had a little woodpecker thing with a toothpick. And you picked it up and you just put it in your mouth and whatever, and you. God, I remember my dad would take envelopes and clean his teeth out with envelopes. Like, yeah, the corner of the envelope. And I'd be like, can we get a toothpick? So I was always like. And then I go to this, like, hang out, like, with people at a bar. I'm like 25 or something, and I'm, like, talking, and I'm selling it. Like, I. A toothpick in my mouth's not that weird, right? I've got, like a. Like, a purple lightning bolt shirt with, like, horses running through a sunset. Like, it's not. It's too far. And halfway through a conversation with my friend Lee, he goes like, so is this, like, your new thing too thick thing? It's like, dude, you can't do that. You can't do that. You're not allowed to do that. I didn't call out anyone's fedora in here. Everyone wearing a golf hat. I'm not like, so did you go golfing today? Like, you don't get. There's a guy over there in a turquoise ring, and I haven't said a word. There's a guy with a puka shell bracelet. Said nothing. I went to three Dave Matthews concerts, said nothing about the rope bracelets. All the guys were wearing that were braided the anklets on the men. I said, nothing. Why can't I just have a tooth? Why can't I just have this toothpick. You can't. When do you get to start a thing?

[Pat]

You should have said, you think you're better than my toothpick. You feeling threatened?

[Whitney Cummings]

It was like. The problem is, like, you got. If you think. I think I was kind of trying out. I was trying to talk a lot. I can't. I would have to change my personality. Dramatic. I'd have to be more of a listener.

[Pat]

If you were rolling it. That's always so funny.

[Whitney Cummings]

People roll it like in Uncle Buck.

[Pat]

And then.

[Whitney Cummings]

I know. But also, like. Like, the person you're talking to has to kind of worry about you.

[Pat]

Yeah. It's like doing the noise.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's a little bit like watching ice skating. It's. You land that one. Thank God. Like, it's also, like, a little sexual. Like, it's just like making someone stare at your mouth. Like, it's a little much but a piece of hay. However, I feel like we could do.

[Pat]

Tying and untying knot in a cherry stem.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, yeah. God. But what we did before the Internet, we just, like, can you tie a cherry stem in your mouth? And I was like, like, for a while.

[Pat]

Yeah. Practice it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Because after there were people that could do it.

[Pat]

Yeah. Doors start opening when you can prove it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, dude, people are going to want.

[Pat]

To know more about the inside of your mouth.

[Whitney Cummings]

I. I do think that, like, we got to take the win on some of the phone stuff. I mean, we were just sitting there being like, put this just. I mean, truly E. Coli cherry stem in your mouth and just go in front of dudes for an hour. Just like, like, fell for it again. Will this baseball bat fit down your.

[Pat]

Throat while you're touching your elbows?

[Whitney Cummings]

I bet you can. I bet I can.

[Pat]

Bet you can't. Bet you can't do with that jacket off.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, God. I bet you can't do it in my apartment. Yeah.

[Pat]

I bet you can't do it in the dark if you take your sweater off.

[Whitney Cummings]

You guys, I'm a little loopy today. It's been a week. It's been a wild week. But we're gonna start being more goofy. Goofy. Silly. Silly good. You know?

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

I didn't realize there was that much darkness on social media. I'm naive.

[Pat]

It's all. That's all it is.

[Whitney Cummings]

I didn't know it was that dark because I auto blocked comments, so I didn't see, I think, a lot of, like, the nastiness. So I really misjudged how much of a piranha tank it Is. And I was just like, haha, you know me.

[Pat]

Yeah, me. You stuck your foot in a piranha tank and you lifted a skeleton foot.

[Whitney Cummings]

I know. And I was like, sorry, you know what? Fair. That was weird that I did that. So we're just gonna do only comedy verbally. Because when you post something online that's it's meant to just be like, silly. You're relying on the person that's reading it to deliver it in their heads. The like with the context of, you know.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

And then, ah, I got got also by like, don't you post and ghosts or like someone else does your social media or something like that. And then when you do engage in the comments and go like, oh. So I literally just trying to understand what went. Like, truly. I said something before I knew the context and I'm trying to understand what I'm missing. Like, what? Okay, so. Oh, she's for this demographic. I didn't miss that. And I'm. And then it's like Whitney crashes out. It's like, I guess I shouldn't have responded to anybody. You shouldn't respond to people online and I guess I see why that seems nuts. But if you say I'm crashing out, doesn't that kind of just say, like, responding to us is mentally ill? Like they even say it? Honestly, people were probably the most mad that I made them read.

[Pat]

Best case scenario, you. You write a tweet, you put it on X. Everybody Loves gets 18 million retweets.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Your life is better.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. Then what?

[Pat]

Yeah, what are you going to do that thing now? You got to do that next week.

[Whitney Cummings]

Nothing.

[Pat]

Now, you can't do that in your show now. You have to do it again tomorrow.

[Whitney Cummings]

Pat, you're blowing my mind.

[Pat]

The best case scenario is a curse, and the worst case scenario is typical expected behavior. And these are tools. And you're trying to have a party with tools. Be like me getting drunk with a chainsaw. Like, like it's gonna go bad. It's a tool.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know what? I'm gonna shut up. It's gonna be my new thing. Just gonna shut up. I'm gonna be perfect and I'm just gonna be flawless. I'm not gonna be authentic. I'm not gonna be flawed. It's enough. Okay, guys, you know what the hardest part about the whole thing was? Is people sent memes of people riding elephants.

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know exactly what to do. It was like a giphy thing of people like riding elephants. And I was like, that's low. Like, you know like, you're going. Like, couldn't you just call me, like, a busted flat? Like, couldn't you just call me old and irrelevant or whatever? Yeah, but I won't stop. Everyone feel free to trash me online. Makes me stronger. Just don't ride elephants. I love you guys. Sam.