The Roast of 2025 | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 323

Summary

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Good For You with Whitney Cummings: The Roast of 2025

Episode 323 – December 27, 2025
Main Theme:
A sharp, satirical “roast” of the absurdities, cultural moments, and collective neuroses that defined 2025, led by comedian Whitney Cummings, with recurring banter from her producer Pat. Whitney skewers everything—celebrity, politics, history, influencers, and more—with her signature blend of sarcasm, personal anecdotes, and self-aware comedy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Backstage Banter: Behind the Scenes with Whitney and Pat

• Whitney and Pat open with playful banter about the chaos of working together, Pat’s role as Whitney’s handler, and the parade of social media managers contacting Pat to get Whitney to check her phone ([00:52]–[06:37]).
  • Memorable moment: Whitney jokes about choreographing increasingly convoluted ways to get Pat’s attention, and hints at the constant swirl of requests in a high-profile comic’s life.
  • Quote:
    “You could ask me, truly anything, and I would never ask you, like, ‘hey, so all the naked photos of you in your iPhone, could you just AirDrop me?’ I’d be like, fine. What?” —Pat ([04:17])

2. Tour Announcements and Setting Up the Roast

• Whitney breezes through her upcoming 2025 tour dates with absurd side-comments, puns, and threats to whoever hid a football player’s helmet at a game ([06:37]–[07:59]).

3. A Roasting Recap of 2025: News, Pop Culture, and Everything in Between

• The heart of the episode—Whitney’s “Roast of 2025”—is a barrage of zingers and commentary on the year’s biggest talking points ([07:59]–[19:54]).
  • TikTok Drama and Algorithm Reality
    • Whitney laments the near-loss of TikTok and society’s addiction to sensational violence on social, while noting that the only real change is we now assume all news is fake.
    • Custom algorithms are now everyone’s personal “reality filter.”
    • Quote:
      “2025 was the year our algorithms gave every one of us our own custom reality. Some people bought tickets to see Avril Lavigne in concert and others thought she’d been dead for 10 years.” —Whitney ([08:49])
  • America’s Division and the End Times
    • The running joke: “America is more divided than ever… unless you count the Civil War.”
    • Darkly comedic take on New York, major cities, and world unrest.
  • Epstein Files and Elite Crime
    • Skewers the delayed release of the Epstein list, pokes at elite incompetence, and calls out double standards in punishment.
    • Quote:
      “Hundreds of powerful creeps involved, and the only person who’s been punished so far is the woman… It’s like, they’re like, we all know that she was the brains of the operation. As long as she’s locked up, we know that it’s over. Because guys can’t really operate without getting caught.” —Whitney ([11:13])
  • Surveillance and “Too Much Speech”
    • Whitney notes the paradox of a year obsessed with surveillance, and the exhaustion at the sheer amount of “free speech” online.
    • Quote:
      “You get what you pay for. I think I speak for everyone when I say this was the year we were all like, where’s the two, $3 speech? Like, is there a luxury package where I can only get speech that’s somewhat coherent?” —Whitney ([12:30])
  • Ukraine War Attention Span
    • Social attention spans shift overnight; jokes about Zelensky’s height and how media narratives change based on optics.
    • Quote:
      “We never should have seen Zelensky next to other men. It just made us all feel like catfish. We’ve been texting this guy for five years. He shows up like, you said you were five-ten.” —Whitney ([13:57])
  • Personal Life Satire
    • Whitney interjects with wedding planning woes, exhaustion, and “mom brain,” keeping things personal and self-deprecating ([15:47]).

4. Trump, Classified Files, and Political Absurdities

• A fast-talking run through Trump’s latest moves, the bizarre release of files on MLK and Amelia Earhart, and Elon Musk joining the White House ([20:53]–[24:00]).
  • Quote:
    “Why is our president only interested in things he learned about in the first grade? Next year, Trump releasing the files on Pluto and Quicksand.” —Pat ([20:53])
  • The joke about AI influencers: AI now only looks “real” because real influencers have become so fake.

5. Escalating Absurdity: News, Hoaxes, and Viral Videos

• Everything is either ridiculously fake or frighteningly real; the only “trustworthy” news is Ring camera footage.
• Satirical PSA: If you believe viral videos of “animal odd couples,” you probably didn’t grow up outside—a theme of urban gullibility ([24:09]).

6. The Year in Celebrity, Influencers & Cringe Culture

• 2025 is officially “the year of cringe” and the try-hard economy:
  • 50% of kids now want to be influencers.
  • Success and authenticity are mocked, and former A-list celebrities are forced into embarrassing new podcast appearances to stay relevant.
  • “Cringe is currency”; public humiliation rituals are the new status symbols.
  • Quote:
    “We are in a try-hard economy where attention is more valuable than money. So to call someone cringe honestly is just a defense to justify why you’re not building an MLM douche business on TikTok.” —Whitney ([35:24])

7. Movies, Aliens, and the Escape into Entertainment

• Even the year’s movies are a disaster: Celebrities can’t win; the “Wicked” press tour starts feeling like an introduction to alien invasion.
• Jokes about terminology shifts from UFO → UAP → UFC—aliens seamlessly integrated into culture ([39:10]).

8. The Meaningless Whirl of the News Cycle

• Summary and meta-reflection: Everything in 2025 blends together; no one remembers the news from week to week.
  • Quote:
    “2025 was like a giant hangover after an election year where we all couldn’t recall what happened and everything was a blackout—not as blacked out as the faces in the Epstein files… but way to go, guys, protect those creeps.” —Whitney ([41:15])
• Unclear what was real: “To half of you, this will be voracious journalism. To the other half of you, I think the earth is flat.”

9. Memorable Quotes & Running Gags

• “America is like the Titanic. Mostly because ice has split it in half.” ([09:40])
• “I do think the real reason [the Ukraine war got less attention] is that Zelensky met with Trump in person and… everyone found out that Zelensky’s short… It made us feel like we’ve been catfished.” ([13:45])
• “We tell girls shoot for the moon… but don’t actually go to space, you idiot.” ([34:00])
• “Being a celebrity in Hollywood has always been weird. …You have to literally get on your knees, but now a bunch of people… have to go on ‘Call Her Daddy.’” ([40:00])

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Important Segments & Timestamps

• 00:52–06:37: Hilarious behind-the-scenes chatter between Whitney and Pat
• 07:59–19:54: The formal “Roast of 2025”—major events, culture, internet, news
• 20:53–24:00: Trump, Musk, AI influencers, and government absurdity
• 24:09–29:03: Social media, viral hoaxes, and influencer culture
• 35:20–39:10: Movies, celebrities, and integrating aliens into pop culture
• 41:15–42:32: Reflection on the indistinguishable haze of 2025 news and events

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Tone & Style

• Whitney’s signature rapid-fire, sarcastic, and self-referential comedy.
• Mix of sharp social commentary, exaggerated hypothetical scenarios, and satirical one-liners.
• Pat’s deadpan interjections provide comic relief and highlight the absurdity.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

This episode is a whirlwind tour through 2025’s chaos, delivered as a blend of stand-up, news parody, and slice-of-life podcast comedy. It skewers the year’s trends, news cycles, and the blurred line between reality and manufactured outrage—without ever feeling preachy. Whitney’s “roast” lampoons the exhaustion and surrealism of the modern information age, pokes at influencer folly, and offers genuine laughs at society’s collective existential crisis.

If you want a cathartic, comedic exorcism of the past year’s nonsense and a reminder not to take it all too seriously, this episode is for you.

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Transcript

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[Whitney Cummings]

Would a British Whitney call them oliday cans?

[Pat]

How do you fire someone?

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, what holiday cans?

[Pat]

All a day with Ollie. You guys, Pat's gone crazy. I've been waiting for this moment. I keep waiting for Pat to snap. And it's not going to be like, violent or aggressive because there's some days where I'm like, what if you just, like, hurled and just, like, just started choking me? Which would be fair, honestly, at this point would be fair.

[Whitney Cummings]

It would be relentless puns.

[Pat]

Like, with.

[Whitney Cummings]

No, like, I could not come back.

[Pat]

To reality because I know there's sometimes that you are just like, trying to hurt me and you, because, you know, like, you'll just be like, yeah, so can I share? This will be at like 2 in the afternoon. I'm fully on a plane. And he's like, hey, can we share? Can I share your screen? I'm like, pat, I'm on Boingo wireless, hanging by a thread in seat 4C, barely. And he's just like, hey, I just asked 14 social media companies to send you a code. Could you just like. They expire every 15 seconds.

[Whitney Cummings]

Totally. Whitney, I have. I have 12 college graduates asking me if I can get you to look at your phone for 30 seconds. And I'm hesitant to tell them. You're probably looking at your phone right now, So don't look crazy. If I can get you to look at your phone for them for like, just like a click.

[Pat]

That is like the. What would you be even called? Like, you're the person people call to be like, hey, we need Whitney to check an email. And you're like, ah. The best I could do is share screen. And then I could try to.

[Whitney Cummings]

I could trick her into helping you later when I'm When I'm helping her with something she needs from me. But that might not be until Saturday.

[Pat]

Hey, we need Whitney to check the Z bell. You're like, you know, I'm going over there next week.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know what? I'll mail her something.

[Pat]

I always know some. Something's going on when I'll get all these texts from all these, like, chains and social media manager, like, managers, agents, I don't know. And they're all like, we have a code coming. We have a code coming. I'm like, okay. And then Pat's like, hey. I'm like, all these people did an intervention, and they just were like, she responds to Pat. She does respond to Pat.

[Whitney Cummings]

Send a dangerous toy to Henry on the. On the. On the note from Amazon. Put the link or whatever QR code image.

[Pat]

So if you jam it down her horse's throat, have the surgeon look what.

[Whitney Cummings]

We found inside your dead animal.

[Ad Voice]

Dropbox link.

[Pat]

Oh, gosh, it is. It. It. Ah, Pat, that is so funny. I always know something's up. Hey, can I share your screen? I'm like, yeah, get a light.

[Whitney Cummings]

I just want to sit there and look at what you're doing, you know, hey, bored again. Not nothing else going on at all. I just like to observe, get a feel for what you're up to right now.

[Pat]

You will like, and the thing that I never ask a question. There's times about like, hey, can you just, like, take a picture of your credit card and send it to me? And I'm like, sure. I have no idea what it's for. You'll just like, hey, could you just like, I don't know, like, what's your Snapchat password? I'm like, huh? Like, I just. I want to know as little as possible about whatever you're at. You could ask me, truly anything, and I would never ask you, like, hey, so all the naked photos of you in your iPhone, could you just air jot me? I'd be like, fine. What?

[Whitney Cummings]

Don't worry. If I. If I misuse this at all, I'll probably be the one helping you catch me.

[Pat]

Oh, my God. Hey, Winnie, can you. Can you send me your. Your icloud password so that I can find my laptop in your podcast studio? We know it was me.

[Whitney Cummings]

And then you screenshot charges and send them to me and be like, hey, can you help me figure out where this charge is from? Like, let's get to the bottom of it.

[Pat]

Oh, my gosh, that is so funny. It's just sort of like, if by the time. Oh, My God. If someone's like, hey, Pat's stealing for you. And be like. And you're stealing from me right now, telling me this. You're stealing my time, telling me about it. Can't you just keep it a secret like a normal person? When you tell me that Pat's stealing from me, what you're saying is that your time's more valuable than mine. What am I supposed to do with this information?

[Whitney Cummings]

It's very distracting.

[Pat]

So you think he's stealing? I don't even want to do a podcast anymore. He makes me come in every week.

[Whitney Cummings]

Sometimes I don't even hit record. I'm just trying to distract you long enough so I can get my hands on your laptop.

[Pat]

There was. There's things that I just never ask with that. Where he's like, hey, can you just, like, do this thing so I can dub this into 42 languages? I'm like, sure. I'm like, I hope you're selling this in a million countries and making 100% of the profit. I'd lose respect for you if you weren't. You're like, whitney, none of this would work in any other country. You only talk about Shirley Temple like, no one knows about a child movie star from a hundred years ago in America. It's kind of a niche vibe. Oh, gosh. Anyway, thanks for stopping by, everyone. I love our dynamic, Pat.

[Whitney Cummings]

Me, too.

[Pat]

Me too. Okay, Whitney Cummings here. I'm about to do the roast of 2025. But first, I will be in Austin, Texas, January 9th through 11th. I'll be the comedy mothership. Then I'll be in Wisconsin at Eau Claire Pablo center at the confluence that. Pat, that's a typo, obviously, right?

[Whitney Cummings]

It's where things and people come together.

[Pat]

Confluence. Rochester, Minnesota, March 7th at the Mayo Civic Center, Sacramento, March 13th. I will be on channel 24 on amount of debt. Is that a river? Santa Rosa. March 14, St. Louis, March 19, Royal Oak, Michigan. I'll be there March 20, doing my yuck yucks. Doing my hahas. Then Omaha, Nebraska, March 27th, Des Moines, Iowa. March 28th, Philly. I'll be there April 3rd. This is the makeup date at the Miller Theater. I'm going to come and we're going to figure out how we're going to get the birds to just. We're going to get back in the. Back in the nest. We're going to. We're going to get it together. Okay? This is whoever hid Hertz's helmet at the Chargers game. I'm. I'm gonna find you. I just want you know I'm coming for you. Atlanta, Georgia. I will be there April 10th at the Center Stage Theater. Then Jacksonville, Florida. April 11th, San Antonio, Texas, May 7th. And then I'm going to be in Oklahoma City May 8th. I love you guys. Arkansas. May 9th, Miami. I got conned into doing Burt's Fully Loaded Cruise next year. November 19th to 23rd. I don't know. Last time I couldn't do it because I was pregnant. So I'm thinking about getting pregnant just so I can be have my invite rescinded. 2025, shall we? I was kind of hoping I would, you know, roast 2025 on CNN this year. But, you know, I guess they don't want 200 million impressions. No, that's not. Hey, hey, hey, hey. I really enjoyed doing New Year's Eve last year on cnn. I. I do think part of the reason, if we look back at it, because I did that roast live, is that there were. It was raining. I don't think they could hear me. I think I can kind of, with confidence say that now. I feels like they probably saw later. Like, we didn't. We don't need that.

[Whitney Cummings]

They were drinking the whole night.

[Pat]

Yeah. They're like, we're good. Yeah. If they even remembered any of it happened. Like, why. Yeah, why am I even. I don't want to overthink it too much, but we thought we would do it here on the podcast this year, the year of 2025, is, of course, the year that in history books will be remembered as 2025. 6, 7. 2025, on a serious note, was the year of a huge tragedy. I'm, of course, talking about how Tick Tock almost went away. Remember, they almost killed Tick Tock so we almost couldn't watch people getting killed on Tick Tock. We almost lost the ability to watch plane crashes and subway stabbings on planes and subways. That's a little bit of an exaggeration. We did. We also watched them on toilets. It was the year of horrific News. But luckily, 2025 was also the year our default was to assume everything we read online is fake. So, thankfully, we didn't have to process any of it. There were so many distractions, we couldn't actually absorb anything scrolling social media. It literally went From Labubus to Le Shootings. Shootings. 2025 was the year our algorithms gave every one of us our own custom reality. Some people bought tickets to see Avril Lavigne in concert and. And others thought she'd been dead for 10 years. The catchphrase of the year was, america is more divided than ever. I mean, I guess, unless you'd count, you know, the Civil War. But thanks to ChatGPT, that doesn't have to exist anymore. We were divided, yes, but a lot of people actually did come together this year, thanks to Bonnie Blue. People worry. America is in its end times. They say America's like the Titanic. America is like the Titanic. Mostly because ice has split it in half. New York's been prepping for New Year's Eve in Times Square by dropping the ball daily. Mom, Donnie is in power now. Free buses because, hey, why should you have to pay to get strangled? Thanks, bud. I don't mean to pick on New York. All major cities seem to be in disarray at the moment. Japan, Paris, Australia and Belgrade have canceled their New Year's Eve celebrations due to unrest. Paris is kind of a surprise, especially given how much the first lady of France loves when balls drop. Bridget Macron met her husband when he was 14 years old. I'm not sorry for the second ball drop joke in 30 seconds. That felt very fair. Speaking of people who are so dumb and pathetic that dating someone their own age is physically revolting, some of the Epstein files came out. Finally, after seeing some of these photos, it's all way worse than I even thought. I didn't want to look at any of the girls in the photos, but you can tell that Epstein hung out with teenage girls pretty much exclusively, given the fact that in every photo, he's doing duck face. Why is nobody talking about how creepy this is? Some new photos were revealed. Everyone's talking about Michael Jackson. I'm not. The weirdest thing to me is the dentist office on Epstein Island. This guy had a dentist on retainer, which, first of all, is the most annoying dad joke. The worst thing that happened on that island was a bunch of old guys being like, you have a dentist on retainer. Like, you know, that was constant. But honestly, props to a dentist who works at Epstein Island. That's an impressive dentist for his range alone. One day this guy's making dentures, the next day he's taking braces off. But no matter how many talents this dentist has, not even he could help with Epstein in prison in terms of having an actual night guard. Also, elite criminals. Why are they so annoying? They're just so out of touch. Like, it's just. Even when they're trying to cover this all up, they don't even know how to lie, right? Or manipulate us. Right? Because they're just so Far removed from how society works. There's so many ways to get away with the Epstein list not being released, but they don't know how to relate to us. The only explanation that honestly would kind of work at this point, if they were just like, look, we really want to release it. It's just like, it's a Dropbox file. We'd be like, say no more. That it. You know what we get? Take all the time you need. If they were just like, hey, we want to release this. It's just kind of the same process as getting a real id. We'd be like, oh, dude. Take your time, you guys. Also, in case anyone's keeping score, Epstein, this whole thing has been going on for 15, 20 years. Hundreds of powerful creeps involved, and the only person who's been punished so far is the woman, America, although it's kind of sexist towards men, that that's the case that the woman is locked up and nobody else is. It's like, they're like, we all know that she was the brains of the operation. As long as she's locked up, we know that it's over. Because guys can't really operate without getting caught. We would need a woman to orchestrate it. Like, without Ghislaine, guys would just get caught immediately. Before Ghislaine R. Kelly would just, like, show up at a high school. It's like, dude. Ah. In 2026, our fear of surveillance peaked, and so did our obsession with posting where we were at all times. This was the year it seemed people felt they had to stream themselves in order to exist at all. The free speech debate came to an abrupt halt, and we all suddenly just agreed that there's way too much speech. You really do get what you pay for. I think I speak for everyone when I say that this was the year we were all, like, where's, like, the two, $3 speech? Like, is there, like, a luxury package where I can only get speech that's somewhat coherent, Maybe said by someone at a desk and not just some guy in cargo shorts on a beanbag chair drinking an energy drink I've never heard of written in Korean. Like, 2025 is a wild one. 2025, we forgot to remember to pretend to care about the Ukraine. That was. Remember when we, like, cared about the Ukraine war, like, a lot. And then it was then one big distraction in the whole country. Just changed obsessions. We went from trying to figure out, like, does the Ukraine beat Russia? To how do 100 men beat one gorilla? I do think the real Reason is that Zelensky met with Trump in person and something. The optics got weird. And I don't think anyone will say this, but I think it's because as a nation, everyone found out that Zelensky's short. And I don't think anyone knew that before. I don't know if it was the depth of field or, like, the. The shot or the angle or something, but he. He just. He was. He. I'm just gonna say it as a girl who. This is something that factors into things, but we're not really allowed to say it. Something about that. I don't know if it was just that Kid Rock was in that room so much. We're so used to seeing Kid Rock in a fedora that comparatively, everyone else seems short. I don't know. We never should have seen Zelensky next to other men. It just made us all feel like catfish. We're like, we've been texting this guy for five years. He shows up like, you said you were five' ten. Like, what are you doing? It was so American that everybody turned on Zelensky because he was short and, frankly, wearing a T shirt. The press, everyone got on him for not wearing a suit and a tie. They're like, why aren't you wearing a suit? Why aren't you wearing a tie? This isn't respectful. He was like, I'm sorry. This is the only thing I have that doesn't have blood on it. Our Zara is currently on fire, so also, I can't wear a tie. I'm the president of the Ukraine. I'm spending 24 hours a day trying to keep ropes away from my neck. The people at this company have written a lovely script, and what they don't understand is that I actually use their products. But I'm gonna. I'm gonna read what they wrote anyway, Look, I'm a mom now. I'm planning a wedding. I mean, am I. We looked at a venue. The venue that I picked was an office building. I did try to plan the wedding. I found one that I liked, and Chris was like, there's, like, an orthodontist office behind this that. Where we would say, I do. I was like, two birds. Let's go. I am doing a lot of things, and I'm exhausted at all. Oh, it says in trying to remember where I put my keys. These people really do know me. My brain has been running on fume since, like, 2014. And when I say this, NAD. Look, everyone's talking about NAD. They're taking NAD. I'm not taking a pill where I'm like, like gagging in front of my son. All right, this is actually what I use. It's lipos. Do I not drink this every day? Like, this is my favorite thing. I shouldn't say drink it. I take it. I'm obsessed. This is how I get my energy. I also do the glutathione, but that's not what this ad is for. I use this. It keeps my energy up. I feel amazing. Clean, steady energy. It's not buzzy, it's not jittering. I actually have energy again. My brain, my mom brain is gone. I don't have to drink coffee all day. I have actually. I have not taken a nap in a while. I just realized that that's wild. Ro is legit. Everything is third party tested. They care about the ingredients. Doesn't cost a ridiculous amount for something that actually makes you feel like a human again. Oh, they've also got the glutathione, which I take. Keeps my skin glowing, my brain functioning. Their creatine is incredible, too. So if you're like me and you want to feel a little more alive, emotionally, spiritually, cellularly, go to Row Nutrition R H o dot com. Use code. There's a. I've been paying full price for this. I don't even use my own code. That's embarrassing. Code Whitney for 20% off. That's WhitneyRowNutrition.com. and listen, if you forget the code. Welcome to motherhood, Huel. So y' all know that I truly live off Huel. But now they have a new product, Black edition Daily Greens rtd. It's called Morning routine. Here it is. What does your morning routine actually look like? Cause mine is not. It's not like a cal meditation montage, okay? It's a. It's chaotic, it's a circus. It's. It's dogs, it's coyotes, it's. I'm running around. We're playing whack a mole with pots and pans. Some have food in them. Some are just like. I mean, I put something in the oven the other day. I walked away for two and a half hours. Daily greens. Here it is. I don't just do it in the morning, by the way. All right, this is my favorite one. It's peach and hibiscus. It is delicious. Lightly sparkling, actually refreshing. Do you know how strong I am after drinking 42 vitamins mineral superfoods every morning? 4 grams of fiber and 1 gram of sugar. No powder, no mixing, no mess. You crack it Open and you're set. Look at me. It's actually very tasty. It's like, I can't explain it, but it is just as good, not surprisingly, as the meal. 35 grams of protein, 27 essential vitamins and minerals. I love it. I'm so over chewing at this point. Like, for what? Who has time to just like get food and cut it up and like chew it and drink it? Like, what are we, five? Like, can we be adults about this? Cheaper than a latte. Keeps me full until lunch. Doing both has become the best part of my morning. I just grab it, I go and you know, my. Basically my mornings consist of three liquids hu, the protein drink, Huel, the daily greens, and my son's tears. Grab Huel today with my exclusive offer. 15% off online with my code whitney15@huell H-E-U l.com whitney1515. Is it 15 or 15? I mean, it's both. It's 1 5, but it identifies as 15 new customers only. Thank you to Huel for partnering and supporting our show. And Huell, I'm sorry about that ad. So good, so good, so good.

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[Pat]

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[Pat]

Trump did a lot in the White House this year. Mostly construction, east wing demolition, new state Ballroom, the renovation of the Rose Garden. Still doesn't have a dog. I'm never dropping it. No, I'm, I'm kidding. Trump did a lot of things this year in his administration. He released the classified files on Martin Luther King and Amelia Earhart. What? Why is our president only interested in things he learned about in the first grade? Next year, Trump releasing the files on Pluto and Quicksand. Huh? Why did we. Why did I even Read that. I think this is a Cash Patel thing. That dude is so in over his head. Everything he does is the equivalent of when your boss walks by and you're just, like, banging on your computer. Like, he's just like, let's release this. Like, he's. I feel like it was his idea after he was so shady about the Epstein list. He wanted to look like he was going after people. He's like, he was so shady and didn't release the Epstein list. Said that it didn't exist at all. And then he was just. Everyone was like, dude, what's your deal? He was like, mlk cheated on his wife. Like, no one was like, cool. Thanks for all this transparency. Like, we got a lot of new information Nobody asked for this year. A new ocean came out, but nobody talked about it because that would mean we all had to admit we had no idea how many oceans there were before this one. Everyone's like, oh, a new ocean came out. So how. That makes. Like, how many now? Like, is it. What is it? Like, six, six, seven? Like, I don't. I'm joking. I was a meme. I'm young. Like, I know how many oceans are. I'd count them. But, like, we can't say Indian Ocean anymore, right? It's not. That's why I thought four. You know, you go tell me about this ocean. Elon Musk took a job in the White House. Elon Musk made government cuts like an autistic Edward Scissorhands Look, I was too young to remember, but was this what it was like when Michael Jordan played baseball and everyone was like. Like, if you're gonna be a make a wish kid, can you do it somewhere that isn't our government? Like, I used to be annoyed when famous people had side hustles or second jobs, but a lot in the White House, like, it made me appreciate some other people that I used to make fun of. Like, at least Jared Leto's second job is just him starting a cult on an island where the fans of his band come and watch him give speeches in a moomoo. Like, his band is, of course, 30 seconds to Mars. Also what Elon Musk yells when he ejaculates. AI influencers made their debut, and for a second, we all thought they looked real. Everyone was like, look at that influencer from Coachella. They look so real. Turns out the only reason they looked real is because they're based on real influencers who act so fake that the AI generation ended up seeming real. So 2025 was the year we thought AI would replace us, but instead just ended up holding up a mirror to how we've already replaced ourselves with the TEMU version of who we pretend to be. We did see a couple real things. In 2025, the videos we were exposed to online got more and more extreme. Everything was either AI generated and totally fake or from some stranger's actual ring camera and uncomfortably real. I've never thought the only news I trust would be coming from someone's porch. I'm like, okay, I don't know about this one. A garden gnome in the foreground next to a couple Zakopos packages and a plant nobody bothered to put in a pot. This seems legit. There was a concern for people that fell for certain viral videos of unlikely animal pairings hunting together. But these people who fell for these, they're just. They're just not gonna make it to the next stage of Darwinian evolution. These videos only fooled kids who grew up in New York City apartments watching too many Disney movies. We shouldn't be too concerned. I've never been fooled by a video of a cat and a coyote being best friends because I've been outside. Nobody who grew up on a farmer in the country thinks a video of a bear carrying a squirrel is legit. Not a real problem. We did see some very real footage of P. Diddy in the 50 Cent doc. Diddy and 50. They have a long time feud. 50 got shot nine times. And Diddy's actually jealous because 50 has access to so many tiny holes. Aside from 50, musicians had a very tough year. It was hard to take them seriously when it comes to musicians. Like, I just feel like their names aren't helping very much. Bad Bunny, Jelly Roll, the Weeknd. Their names are all things kids look forward to. Rappers used to be named things kids were afraid of. Ghost Face Killer, Dr. Dre, Q Tip, the Funky Bunch. What's scarier than a funky bunch? Bone chilling, frankly. Marky Mark. Who? Wait, he's white. Mark Twice. Marky Mark. We did lose Ozzy Osbourne. Before he died, his final sentence was something incoherent. Back in 2008, Pope. Pope Francis passed away on Easter Sunday. Some of you I know found this very profound. But Christ rose from the dead on Easter, so Pope Francis did the opposite of what Jesus would do. Rude, I don't know. Then Pope Leo XIV became the first American Pope. I like this guy. I think this is good. This is a good direction for the Catholic Church. There's something Chicago people. I just. It's a Good. Good branding. They don't seem like they're creeps. I feel like it's good for the. Getting the creep off at all. You know, even if he's gay, gay men in Chicago, they're not. They're like into older dudes with lots of hair. That's why they called their team the Bears. It's like that said, let's just all agree to not look the other way if suddenly he becomes a fan of the Cubs. I'm on to you. Charlie Kirk was assassinated and we made fun of how his widow chose to mourn. I just. Don't be jealous just because you didn't know you could pick the fireworks entrance as part of a funeral package. I didn't know that either. What? I don't. This is not. She's still grieving. What stage of grief is Erica Kirk at on stage at all times is that five people say she's. She's cringe. That's like, she's cringe. We're all. Everyone's cringe. 2025 was the year of everyone being cringe. It's. I think it started with Benson Boone doing a flip off stage. Remember, he did a flip off stage. He tried too hard. We don't like when people try too hard. He got so attacked for being cringe. We have not seen this guy since. But don't worry, he didn't disappear. He's busy. Erica Kirk hired him to teach her how to do a flip off stage next time she drops the mic at a rally. Sorry, that's the last one on her, I think, even though I did dress like her today. But the point is, as someone whose whole brand is cringe core, I will defend cringe. We are in a try hard economy where attention is more valuable than money. So to call someone cringe honestly is just a defense to justify why you're not building an MLM douche business on TikTok. You guys, I'm starstruck. The fact that Olipop. The fact that we are brought to you by Olip. Oh, sorry guys. Let me just get my laptop here. Hold on. Put this one away. Just going to just get my laptop here. Hold on. Let me just.

[Whitney Cummings]

Sorry, you got to get back to work.

[Pat]

Yeah, sorry guys.

[Whitney Cummings]

Press a letter button. I think that's how you get started. Any. Any letter button.

[Pat]

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[Whitney Cummings]

It pops the bubbles with its finger.

[Pat]

Okay.

[Ad Voice]

Off.

[Pat]

Right. Okay. So I'm obsessed with Olipop. Y' all know this about me. The grape one is kind of like for me, just a substitute for water. It's not even a joke in the strawberry one. But they have holiday cans. Chris and I were just talking about these holiday. I mean the vintage cola, the ginger. You know I'm a sucker for nostalgia. You know that nothing makes me happier. That like a vague like abominable snowman with no neck and a scarf. This is my dream. There is a house down the street that has this exact animal in its front yard, but blown up for like a holiday decoration. And I've gone four times. It just. I can't get enough of it. I don't know. My therapist will have to tell me what this Rorschach test means. Look at it. He's like. Like, I don't. I don't know where they get these genius holiday festive cans. The SpongeBob one Chris loves. It is an irreconcilable difference because that was not my. My Olipop is this one. It's the vintage cola. I guess I can't say that. Let's lose the spongebob thing. This year they brought along a third limited edition flavor. The fan favorite, crisp apple. And I don't have any in my fridge because we drank them all. All festive flavors are less than 50 calories with just 2 to 5 grams of sugar. Up to 9 grams of fiber. For digestive health support. No matter how you celebrate Ollipop, holiday sodas make the season brighter. Bubbly. And then you know this. It's a good. It's just a healthy soda. Okay. You know what to do about this. Your stomach is a mess. Everybody's. You're a mess. You're just. Stop drinking soda. Just buy this thing. Go, go, go, go. Get a four pack from the soda aisle or a 15 pack from Costco. For the ultimate holiday celebration. Get a free can of Olipop. Buy any two cans of Olipop in store. It will pay you back for one of them. Works on any flavor, any retailer, including the yeti. That's what this is. A yeti? What's a yeti?

[Whitney Cummings]

I believe it's like a Bigfoot type creature.

[Pat]

Okay. Don't. Body shame.

[Whitney Cummings]

Abominable adjacent.

[Pat]

Okay. A yeti limited edition can. Ooh. The mystery continues. Go to drinkolipop.com Whitney again that's drinkollipop.com Whitney to go grab yourself a free can of Olipop and make your soda habit a little bit smarter. And make your soda habit a little bit smarter.

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[Pat]

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[Whitney Cummings]

Here we have the Limu Emu in its natural habitat helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual.

[Pat]

Fascinating.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.

[Pat]

Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us.

[Whitney Cummings]

Cut the camera. They see us.

[Pat]

Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty Liberty, Liberty. Liberty Savings. Very underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Co. Affiliates excludes Massachusetts Cringe became currency. All right, a statistic was dropped. 50% of kids want to be influencers as of 2025. This is great news. They used to want to be the president. What? Used to want to, like, go on islands where they have dental chairs for no reason. Look, okay, it used to be a hundred percent of kids wanted to be presidents. Now 100 of presidents want to be influencers. Here we are. I think that. I think people hate the statistic about kids wanting to be influencers because it's such a female job. This is like for a guy to be an influencer. It's like wanting to be a nurse. It's like a male nurse, like a white rapper. It's just not cute. Women are winning on social media because it's all about gossip and being catty and fighting. And that is our thing, right? But women rooting for women. 2025 seemed to be the year that that was over. Jennifer Lopez seemed to get canceled just for working too much. Everyone's like, how come she's not with her kids? Meanwhile, the people in the White House didn't work hard enough to get us a list of world leaders who spent too much time with other people's kids. People complain about toxic work environments even though they work from home. We got sleep advice on how to sleep and break our cell phone addiction from wellness influencers. On our cell phone at 2am the smartest people in the world were wearing whoop bands and aura Rings that tell them how the smartest people in the world who are currently figuring out the quality of life for us and our future children and if we will even survive the future, frankly, they don't know how they slept. They don't know what happened back there. Our Benjamin Franklin right now is waking up and being like, Does anyone know how long I was out? You know what? You should try to get a wife. Gayle King and Katy Perry, they went to space. And it broke us. It broke our brains. Men were like women in tight outfits with a huge phallic object. Isn't this your number one Google search? Why are you so mad? Katy Perry was dragged for months for going to space. I feel like 2025 is what is a society. We were just, like, done rooting for women if we were just. We tell girls, like, shoot for the moon, but don't. Don't, like, actually go to space, you idiot. All of Instagram is like, fly high. Okay, not like that. Like, okay, but not that high. You're a girl, right? And I just. The consensus was like, it looks a little ridiculous. Like, girls going to space. I have, like, bad news. It's ridiculous when guys go too. It's literally the most immature job on Earth. Astronaut. The most childish job on Earth. The one where you spend all of your time trying to get off of Earth. You. You're ridiculous. You spend all day as an adult. You made a career out of trying to run away from home. Just get a divorce, okay? But the women, they got it. They got dragged. It was a rough year for successful women. And not just the WNBA players tap dancing around flying sex toys while they were at work. It was rough even for Taylor Swift. Had a rough year. She married her dream guy, star quarterback. They get engaged. Three weeks later, he's a podcaster. She was so close, you guys. He went from white knight to blue.

[Whitney Cummings]

Chew bait and switch.

[Pat]

Just when you think he was brought to you by Cupid, you find out he's brought to you by BetterHelp. Gah. Sydney Sweeney. She got it. She got it hard this year. She just broke. She broke people with this American Eagle ad, right? We were like, stop working with a company spreading bad messages, which everyone typed from Facebook. I just feel like now is a gentle reminder that Chris Hemsworth, still the face of Hugo Boss. Hugo Boss, founder of Hugo Boss. Quote, look this up. Loyal Nazi party member. I didn't put loyal in there. Wikipedia, it says loyal Nazi party member. When I hear Nazi, I think loyal already. They're like, no, he was a Loyal one. A loyal one. Oh, that's a level of loyal that I didn't even. They specified that. Anyway, he. This guy produced uniforms for the Nazis, used forced laborers from Poland and France during World War II. But it's fine. They. They apologized, so we're water under the bridge. But in 2025, at least we have some great movies. That was. I did not intend to laugh that hard. I just. 2025, I feel like this was the year we were like, let's just escape into a movie. Not one movie came out and had it go well. It was just catastrophe after catastrophe. Wicked Press just. Just continued to just get weirder and weirder this entire year. That Wicked tour kind of felt like the government was easing us into Aliens in the Ariana Cynthia Interviews were like a floater to see how we'd react, like, to how aliens are going to behave after a couple years of Wicked Press. I feel like at this point, the bodies of aliens are so normal to us. By the time actual aliens invade, we're going to see them and be like, oh, my God, what is your secret? Like, what? No carbs? Oh, my God. We're kind of already doing the thing with aliens where we. We normalize them. It's already starting to happen, but no one's really talking about it. Like, we've already changed the label of what we call them, which was never offensive in the first place. Now we say UAP instead of ufo. This. This is how they're gonna be seamlessly normalized in society. It's going to go from UFO to UAP to ufc. They'll just be, like, walking out next to a fighter with Dana White. Anything for attention was what 2025 was all about. This was the year that notoriety officially became more valuable than money. The only reason to make money in movies at this point is just for the kink of eventually destroying your own legacy by going on a podcast no one has ever heard of. Quentin Tarantino trashed Paul Dano. I. Look, if we're being fair, it wasn't that serious. You got to remember, Quentin gets off every time he sticks a foot in his mouth, so this is actually his dream. But trashing celebrities, it kind of just means Quentin has his finger on the pulse, because this was the year that everybody had absolutely no respect for celebrities anymore. But to be fair, they also didn't have respect for themselves. Humiliation rituals became our entertainment. Look, being a celebrity in Hollywood has always been weird. To get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, you have to literally get on your knees but now a bunch of people who became actors because their parents ignored them have to go on call her daddy. Not one guest on that show could call their daddy and have him actually pick up or say, I'm proud of you. And they all do. Rogan. Now, all the Hollywood actors who were trashing Joe Rogan 5 years ago are now begging to go on a show. They're like, yeah, I kind of fish. Yeah, I played a war vet. My stunt double had a gun. You're like, what? They're like, yeah, I hit a. Hit a deer with my car. They're all, like, leaning back in the chair, trying to, like, look more Republican. They're like, yeah, I hit a deer once when I was driving drunk. No, that's not cool. It wasn't an accident. I did it on purpose. I've killed a deer. I swear. It's only been 10 minutes. We have three and a half more hours. A lot of things happen this year. A lot more things happen. But I'm not going to bring them all up because, frankly, I forgot what they were. And so did you. Because 2025 was like a giant hangover after an election year where we all couldn't recall what happened and everything was a blackout. Not as blacked out as the faces in the Epstein files, but way to go, guys. Protect those creeps. Yes, other things happened. There was a ceasefire with Israel, Hamas and a never going to cease fire in California. Yes, there were tariffs, but no one knew how to be mad about them or if they're still even happening because the government shut down altogether. Did the terrorists shut down? Are they bad? Like, how do they. In April, the stock market crashed and there was a plane crash, like, every week for a whole summer. But then hawk to a coin, so. And did that even really happen? Unclear, because I refused to pay for news. So there you have it. The events of 2025. Or were they. You tell me. Was anything I just said true? To half of you. To half of you, it will be. To half of you, this will be voracious journalism. To the other half of you, I think the earth is flat. But 2025 was an amazing year. The Eagles won the super bowl, so you can all go fuck yourselves. Go birds don't ride elephants.

[Ad Voice]

It.