Ticked-Off - Good for You podcast with Whitney Cummings | ep300

Summary

Podcast Episode Summary: "Ticked-Off" (Ep300) | Good For You with Whitney Cummings

Release Date: August 3, 2025

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Introduction

In the 300th episode of "Good For You," Whitney Cummings dives into a fervent and humorous monologue centered around her frustrations with Lyme disease narratives, celebrity culture, and the pervasive influence of social media on mental health. Throughout the episode, Whitney employs her signature comedic style to critique societal norms, the behavior of the wealthy, and the modern obsession with self-care and mental wellness.

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**1. Whitney's Frustration with Lyme Disease and Celebrity Culture

Whitney opens the episode expressing her exasperation with the constant mentions of Lyme disease, especially in relation to celebrities like Justin Timberlake. She humorously laments feeling underrepresented in the conversation about the disease, stating:

"If you want to make sure three days of my life is miserable, bring up Lyme disease to me. [00:15]"

Her satire extends to the notion that Lyme disease has become a status symbol among the affluent, questioning the authenticity and motivations behind publicized health issues:

"It's so politicized at this point because it's like, one side is like, oh, it's a debilitating disease that rich people get... And the other people are like, oh, it's a bioweapon to take out the Illuminati. [04:20]"

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**2. The Hamptons as a Symbol of Wealth and Isolation

Whitney critiques the Hamptons, portraying it as a microcosm of wealth, privilege, and detachment from reality. She humorously describes the antics of the rich, such as pretending to be farmers for social media likes:

"They cosplay. Being farmers, they all have crazy money, but they, like, pretend they, like, buy fruit at a fruit stand... [07:45]"

Her sharp observations highlight the superficiality and performative aspects of affluent lifestyles, questioning the genuine well-being and social responsibilities of the elite.

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**3. Mental Health, Social Media, and Societal Pressures

A significant portion of the episode delves into Whitney's critique of how mental health is commodified and mishandled on social media platforms. She argues that the endless discourse on mental wellness often lacks depth and authenticity:

"Therapy, spe and mental health, that's all awesome, but talking about it and scrolling about it all day is so much worse for you than never having gone to therapy at all. [27:10]"

Whitney underscores the paradox of seeking validation through oversharing personal struggles online, suggesting it fosters narcissism and superficial connections rather than genuine healing.

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**4. The Ineffectiveness and Commercialization of Meditation

Whitney takes a critical stance on meditation practices, portraying them as ineffective and commercialized solutions to deeper personal issues. She mocks the ritualistic aspects of meditation classes and questions their true benefits:

"To me, meditation is a guy going, relax, calm down. But there's like a pillow involved... [46:22]"

Her skepticism extends to the scientific backing of meditation, challenging the validity of studies that promote it as a universal remedy.

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**5. The Impact of Technology on Memory and Presence

Addressing the digital age, Whitney laments how smartphones and social media have eroded our ability to retain memories and be present. She humorously compares modern memory aids to the condition portrayed in the film "Memento":

"I'll look through my phone and be like, whoa, I did that? Yes. I have no recollection because I'm not present in the moment when I'm doing it because I'm documenting it. [52:21]"

Whitney emphasizes the loss of genuine human interaction and memory, critiquing society's reliance on technology for personal experiences.

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**6. Final Thoughts and Call for Authenticity

In her concluding remarks, Whitney advocates for taking a step back from the relentless pursuit of validation and entertainment. She urges listeners to embrace moments of solitude and authenticity:

"Just sit alone with yourself at this point is the best show on TV. [53:35]"

Her closing sentiments reflect a desire for a more grounded and less distracted society, free from the pressures of constant performance and digital oversight.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• On Lyme Disease Frustration:

  "If you want to make sure three days of my life is miserable, bring up Lyme disease to me." [00:15]

• Critiquing Affluent Simplicity:

  "They cosplay. Being farmers, they all have crazy money, but they, like, pretend they, like, buy fruit at a fruit stand..." [07:45]

• Mental Health and Social Media:

  "Therapy, spe and mental health, that's all awesome, but talking about it and scrolling about it all day is so much worse for you than never having gone to therapy at all." [27:10]

• On Meditation Practices:

  "To me, meditation is a guy going, relax, calm down. But there's like a pillow involved..." [46:22]

• Technology's Impact on Memory:

  "I'll look through my phone and be like, whoa, I did that? Yes. I have no recollection because I'm not present in the moment when I'm doing it because I'm documenting it." [52:21]

• Call for Authenticity:

  "Just sit alone with yourself at this point is the best show on TV." [53:35]

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Conclusion

Episode 300 of "Good For You" showcases Whitney Cummings' sharp wit and critical perspective on contemporary issues such as celebrity culture, mental health commodification, and the omnipresent influence of technology. Her candid and humorous approach invites listeners to reflect on the authenticity of their experiences and the societal pressures that shape modern life.

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Note: Advertisement segments and non-content related discussions were omitted to focus on the core themes and discussions of the episode.

Transcript

[Whitney Cummings]

Pat, I can't do the podcast today. I'm canceling. I have to cancel. I can't. I'm tired. I think I might have Lyme disease. I am so sick of not having Lyme disease. I am so sick of not being famous enough to have Lyme disease. I am so sick of being the only person that does not have Lyme disease. Last week, I got a little flack. You guys gave me a little bit of lip because you're like, why are you spending all this time on one topic? Because I'm mentally ill. That's why. I had all this stuff I wanted to talk about. And then, Pat, the biggest mistake I make professionally is that I don't block Pat on text, because it is just like, it's here's a link and here's a thing. And then he'll send me, like, all these interesting articles that I want to, like, read and talk about on the podcast. And now I'm in a wormhole on Justin Timberlake's Lyme disease. Now, if you want to make sure three days of my life is miserable, bring up Lyme disease to me. If you want to ruin my weekend, send me a link about a celebrity with Lyme disease. Pat was just like, ah, things are going too good for Whitney this week. She seems like she's in a good mood. Then he just air bombs me. It was like, early in the morning, too. Sometimes I'll like, text Pat at like, three in the morning, and he'll text back, like, right away. And I'm like, oh, looks like we're both up. It's like. It's like. It's like sleeveless in Seattle. We're like, oh, so here's the thing. Everyone's talking about Justin Timberlake with Lyme disease. I agree. All right. Whenever everyone's talking about something, it seems like it could kind of be like. Like maybe like. Like the fifth article on just jared.com. like, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal. Is there something else going on? Now, listen, I know people that really do have Lyme disease, and I know that it is real. Some people have the thing, and some people need the diagnosis for the thing. Some people have the thing. When I hear someone has Lyme disease, my first reaction is like, oh, is there movie bombing? Like, not selling tickets on their tour? Are waitresses on TikTok going around with some stories about how they don't tip well? Like, what is Lyme disease? Is one of those also is so politicized at this point because it's like, one side is like, oh, it's a debilitating disease that rich people get after flying private to the Hamptons after their global warming volunteer work. And the other people are like, oh, it's a bioweapon to take out the Illuminati. So there's no way to even talk about Lyme disease. And I'm obsessed with things that are, like, this oddly incendiary. Because here's the thing. Lyme disease, if it's a bioweapon, the fact that it just makes you really tired is so funny. I didn't even think that was an option. That if someone's making a bioweapon, they're like, oh, no, we don't want them gone. We just want them really groggy. Like, if Bill Cosby invented a bioweapon, like, that's it. It just makes you super tie, Tie. It's like, truly, it was Bill Cosby. Like, do you know any single women with lime seed? You live in the Hamptons. Do you love to hike? When someone admits something, I can only see the other thing they admitted by accident simultaneously. Like, when you admit you have Lyme disease, you're also admitting that you don't take showers very often. Now, my understanding is that it has to be on your body for three days. So basically, you're, of course, you are telling people that you left a succubus parasite bag of blood on your body way too long and just didn't notice, which probably means you're taking other things that make you sleepy also. So it's hard to delineate, like, the variables Also, is this just mean that rich people. Do people not wash their crap? Like, we need to, like, get down to some basics, because I think that there's. The way you do anything is the way you do everything. Are we not washing our crevices? I really do need to give a tutorial on hygiene. I believe if you're not using an exfoliating mitt every day, I think you should be in jail. Okay. Justin Timberlake had a tick on him for three days. The good news is he's not cheating. A side chick would have found that tick and been like, sir, side chicks don't get to make. They don't get the. They only get the crevices. They're relegated to where the ticks burrow. And that's it. Kaylee with two E's would have found this tick, so at least he's not. Girls from the south, they feel for ticks every night. Before bed, he's like, oh, excuse me. What are you doing? She's like, no, I'm looking for ticks. We're not hooking up. I did have an experience with Lyme disease, and as you know, I cannot let go of issues that, like, divide us left and right and that are some kind of verisimilitude of, like, a distraction from something else or something that doesn't seem like that big of a deal. And it's such a big deal, and it's Lyme disease. Here's the thing. I went to the Hamptons a couple times, both times against my will. I had a tick on me. No big deal. I see a tick and I'm like, oh, I got all the time in the world. In Virginia, you kind of let them get big and gray. So then when you pop them, it's like, splat. It's like, funny. Get a knife. Like, gah. I like a big tick. So I had this tic on me in the Hamptons. I'm delicious. It shows me. I posted about it online. How can I not? The way people reach out to me, okay? As someone who lost my mother and father publicly. Crickets, okay? I've gone through. Just had a child, a little fanfare. I have a tic. Some of the most impressive, successful people in the world, the most famous people, people who I would do anything to be in their movies. I would do anything to, like, get some career advice from them or have them on the podcast. They're calling my cell phone directly. They're like, you need to get that tick and put it in a bag and take it to the doctor, take it to the Mayo Clinic. I'm sending a jet now for the tick. We're going to find the best doctor in the world to assess this tick, take it to a surgeon. We need to get it operated on, get the tick health care. We're going to get. We're going to put the tick at the front of the line. I'm like, what? So if it's. If it's in the Hamptons or Connecticut, they. You have to take the ticket to have it get tested. Like, first of all, why are you worried about the tick? Why? Because I had to suck my blood. You're like, oh, no, that tics just going to be all over. Look, if any bug ingests my blood, it will be able to focus, okay? I'll tell you that much for reasons that I can't say on YouTube. Look, they say, like, look for the ring. Everyone's like, do you Have a ring? Do you have a ring? I'm getting text. Do you have a ring? Okay, first of all, you know me and my personality. I have no rings anywhere on my body, and I probably never will. Let's not rub it in with the rings, okay? So the Hamptons. The Hamptons is fascinating to me for a million reasons. It is important because it's where all the world leaders go to vacation. All right? There's something going on there. Remember, there was a fire this past year in the Hamptons and Palm beach and Malibu. Like, all the places that these people. You have to understand where the most powerful people in the world vacation to understand what's going on in the world. There is a strong chance the world's falling apart because all of our leaders have Lyme disease. So the point is, Justin Timberlake got a DUI in the Hamptons. Can we cancel this place? What, this. I'm just going to say Hamptons is the seventh ring of hell. All right? I'm kind of on the tick side at this point. Whoever invented Lyme as a bioweapon, if that's what you believe, or whatever species evolved to make the little disease that made humans super tired, picked the Hamptons. They spent time there, and they were like, we've got to stop these people. It's. This is. It's just this area, like, this area of people needs to just calm down. The Hamptons is important to understand. It's old money, politicians, celebrities, Nepo babies, and Tim Dillon at this point, okay? They cosplay. Being farmers, they all have crazy money, but they, like, pretend they, like, buy fruit at a fruit stand and, you know, they, like, have a. Like, a wagon. They like to dress up like they're in Yellowstone for a couple weeks out of the year so they can get a picture with a horse for social media. Hey, everyone in the Hamptons, listen very carefully. Your horses hate you. I've seen the photos. Their ears are back. Their head is down. It's, like, quaint and rustic. Even though all the quaint, rustic things were bought at. So, like, for $8 million, not money laundering at all. And all the kids that work at the fruit stands have freckles. It's basically a eugenics program. Like, all the kids have freckle. I. I'll stop on the Hamptons at some point. I just do think you should know that the politicians that pretend to work for you couple weeks out of the year dress up like you, like it's Halloween and, like, pretend they, like, are farmers. I think it's important people are like the Illuminati. They have seances and they have the Del. It's worse than that. They pay $7 for apples at a fruit stand. You know who pretended to be like a earthy rancher? Khilline Maxwell. Horses hate people who don't know who they are. I can tell everything I need to know about you based on what the horse looks like in your selfie with the horse. Oh, you're going to run for office soon, is that it? That's why they go to the Hampton, so I can think of photos with horses and barns and stuff. Like, it's a set for politicians to go safely so they don't have to be around any, like, normal, regular, common folk. They want to be so far away from regular people that they go to a place where they know it's riddled with Lyme disease and they still go to them. It is worth the risk. They are so disgusted by the idea of running into someone who is not capable of going into this insulated rich bubble. They'd rather possibly get neurological damage forever than go to a resort or a vacation spot where they could possibly cross paths with someone who isn't famous. They would rather a bug crawl up into their sphincter and make them forget their whole private school childhood instead of risk running into someone who is not a billionaire.

[Pat]

Are there people in the Hamptons dealing ticks?

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't hate it.

[Pat]

Administer them.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't hate it.

[Pat]

You can invite people that you know from work. Maybe they're in your way.

[Whitney Cummings]

Outdoor cocktail party.

[Pat]

Oh, you drank, you passed out.

[Whitney Cummings]

Flick a ticket. Flick a tick. Well, that is what I heard how, like, future, like, assassinations will happen now that we've, like, spit into tubes and given them all to China. And it's going to be public record. It's like, if you're allergic to bees, you know, someone just, like, throw a bee at you. That's how bees work is. It's like a lawn dart.

[Pat]

You go in your pot, you get your bees out of your pocket.

[Whitney Cummings]

Do you have the bees? Why else would you go to this place? It's honestly not that nice. I'm sorry, it's just. It's not nice enough. There's something else going on. I do believe that when you're that rich and you have that much, that your kink becomes something else. Your kink. Like, it could be the ego of all these people who are like, wait, wait, wait, Ben Stiller has it. Wait, Ben Stiller has Lyme disease. So, wait, the Tick. The ticks picked men above me. Oh, just like Spielberg. Is there anyone that doesn't pick? Alec Baldwin has it, but I don't. Can you get my agent to get some ticks at my house right now? When is Alec Baldwin gonna stop stealing my thigh? I'll show him. I will go sleep naked in Southampton covered in peanut butter or whatever tastes like it. I just. I need you to point out that we have been looking up to people who are hardcore dopamine adrenaline addicts who might possibly have toxoplasmosis, which is the disease that breeds in the stomach of cats, right? So it makes your amygdala deactivated, and it makes you crave fear or, like, crave dangerous things. Like rats will try to get close to cats to eat it. A lot of people that, like, you know, are like, rock climbers and, like, do, you know, wild stuff, have toxoplasmosis and to want to be around that kind of danger. Such avoidable danger. The Poconos. Beautiful. Virginia beach, beautiful. No ticks. Florida, gorgeous. No one's like, I should vote for that guy. He's pretending to farm. Like, if you live in a city, people in the country will never think you're a normal person. They think you're a, like a lizard. That seems to be the going theory about people who live in cities. People who live in the country think it's properly insane that rich people choose to live in cities when they could have tons of land. Imagine, like, you could live anywhere and you chose to live in the sky with people walking around, hearing other people walk around someone else's tv, where. Where you walk out on the street in the city, you get human and rat urine on your shoes. Then you walk back into your house into the sky. The actual plot of a recurring nightmare I had as a kid is your real estate portfolio. That is a fl. That is on the microphone.

[Pat]

You're watching the reanimated corpse of Whitney Cummings.

[Whitney Cummings]

Mommy. Papa. It's literally like, I don't know what to feed you, buddy. I don't know what you want. I don't know what I could really give you. Oh, do you want some of this, my strawberry little capful? I don't know, like, how I thought that was going to go. That was so crazy. Here this is. I'm like, why do I have ants in my house? Come here, buddy. Here, buddy. Come on. Come on, bug. Hello, Mr. Man. Do I just put it on the thing on the microphone there? It's gonna ruin the expensive equipment. So one Fly that's about to die anyway. Oh, man. Rejected by a fly. That hurts, man. The actual plot of a recurring nightmare I had as a kid is your literal real estate portfolio. You choose to live in a place where every morning you get into an elevator with someone you do not talk to, who you pretend isn't standing there. This is why I live in a holler in Topanga in California, in the middle of the woods with no wi fi that is truly always on fire. Yeah. Did a raccoon just destroy my vintage truck? Yes, it did. Still better than waking up and pretending I don't see someone standing two feet away from me in a coffin hanging from a skyscraper built by drunk people in the 1920s. If I had New York City high rise money, I would never ignore anyone again. I'd finally be able to say what I want at all times. I'd walk around the world just calling out things I found out. I'd be like, hey, you, why are you wearing a scarf with a tank top? What's with the mini shorts and Uggs? There's this thing called the weather report and it will tell you how to prepare for your day. Because when you dress like that, it's exhausting to me. When you wear a sweater turtleneck with the shoulders cut out, pick a lane. I don't know if I'm in danger when I'm around you because you're obviously not able to perceive reality or prepare for, like, very basic things, like the elements. The person with a tank top and a scarf. I will take time to pull you aside and have this uncomfortable conversation because you're also the type of person who's going to post pictures of yourself online. The problem with these photos you're posting online is that our enemies might see them. This is why they don't take us seriously on the world stage. I'd be like, hey, sir, cut your bangs. Men shouldn't have fluffy bangs. Hey, lady, grow out your bangs. I would just go like, grow them out, cut them. Grow them out, cut them. Russia might see this. China might say, you guys, everyone. That's all I would do all day.

[Pat]

Would we be any better than the enemy?

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm just saying, if we had you.

[Pat]

Going around telling everybody how to cut.

[Whitney Cummings]

Their hair, it's worth a shot. Give me a shot. Put me in, coach. Hey, guys. This episode is sponsored by GoPure. Most people take care of their face, but the neck, not so much. It's often overlooked, even though the skin there is thinner, more delicate, and it ages faster. GoPure created the tighten and lift neck cream specifically for that area that visibly firms hydrates your neck and your jawline. Look at my neck, you guys. I mean, doesn't it look like someone's like, you know, like when a dog bites their young and like, doesn't it, doesn't it feel like I just have like a chip clip holding my neck back? No, that's just my neck. That's because it's powered by ingredients that work together to support elasticity and improve the appearance of crepey skin with consistent use. It's dermatologist tested cruelty free and made without synthetic fragrance. Also known as like no poison. Isn't it weird that now we're like, we can just be like, hey, no poison in this one. And guess what? It works good. Like I elevated the products like just recently were like, should we start just like working? Like, what if we just made stuff that like worked? Should we just like see what happens if we stop putting like poison and stuff? Like, maybe we can charge less money because we don't have to like save it all for like lawsuits later. I don't know. I don't. All I know is that I look amazing and I'm wearing like a little cute shell necklace just to really draw attention to my taut neck. Okay? Whether you're looking to smooth out fine lines or just give your skin the support it needs, this is a smart place to start. You know, I'm going to move the microphone so you can see my neck as I say this.

[Pat]

Pat, go.

[Whitney Cummings]

Pure beauty. Okay? I'm showing off my neck. No one cares about this side. They want to look at my neck.

[Pat]

You're talking right now.

[Whitney Cummings]

They want to. They want to see if this thing works. Hey, pat. My eyes are up here.

[Pat]

Hey, my neck is down.

[Whitney Cummings]

It'll make your neck look so good, guys. Won't even look at your boobs. Go to GoPure Beauty.com Whitney use code Whitney for 25% off your neck. If you want 25% off your neck and your order, go to GoPure Beauty.com Whitney code Whitney. Hey guys. This episode is brought to you by Home Chef. Because I am not a chef at home and Home Chef knows that I am the perfect spokesperson for it. You don't even need to be busy to want Home Chef in your life, okay? They deliver fresh pre proportioned ingredients, simple step by step recipes straight to your door. Cause you know what? Women don't belong in the kitchen anymore. They belong on social media and they belong on live streaming. They are playing Video games on the Internet and their aunt boats.

[Pat]

They're out there buying crypto wallets.

[Whitney Cummings]

We're buying ethereal coins. We are not. We don't care about you and your being useful. We don't have time. We're getting deals. We're building brands. These meals take 30 minutes or less. You don't need any special equipment or experience. You don't even need to have had a sober mom growing up. There are options for every lifestyle. Calorie, conscious, vegetarian, oven ready, or meals for picky eaters. Because women don't have to have decided who we are, what our thing is yet, and if we want to be vegetarian or not. Okay, you can skip weeks, you can pause deliveries. If we can do whatever we want, you can change your preferences. They get it. Home chef is offering 50% off your first box plus a free dessert for life. Just stay subscribed to keep receiving it. We don't have to commit to a man or to learning how to cook, but I will commit to subscribing to a service that makes it so I don't have to go to homechef.com WhitneyToRedeemThe offer. That's homechef.com/, Whitney, make dinner easy and actually good. Home Chef will make your sandwich, sir. Hot off the presses. Zeitgeist story about Justin Timberlake's Lyme disease. It's important. Listen, the point is he had to stop touring. And the big question here is, why was he tor. Why are you touring? Can anyone take a break? Can anyone take a break? Listen, he's like, I'm struggling with Lyme. I've been tired. The shows have been off. And what. Why are you doing shows while you're struggling with Lyme disease? Can I just. What do entertainers think that we, like, won't survive if we don't see them dance? Like, I'm just trying to understand the way that human. Am I missing something?

[Pat]

Do you feel euphoric when you have a great show and you have a big room of people clapping for you?

[Whitney Cummings]

Comedy is different. Cause it's important. Comedy is like, to me, like a conversation with people where we try to figure out if we're all losing our minds or not. And the ideas we all leave being like, okay, all right, maybe I'm not so crazy, you know? And you actually laugh at things in your. You know, it was like, it's. I just. At least the way I do comedy is more like, you find out more about yourself. You're not just, like, watching someone perform and you Know all the words already. And it's more like a hypnosis or something. Or it's just like, oh, this is the closest I'll ever get to this person. Any comedian. You can hug any comedian whenever you want. You can go. You can find a standup comedian whenever you want in a hallway. They're accessible to you. Like, musicians aren't. Why is Justin Timberlake doing shows with Lyme disease? It's important that we understand how powerful people perceive everyone else. And I think we are perceived as people that can't go on unless we watch a rich person dance. Justin Timberlake, how did this even get to you? Hey, Justin, want a tour? Like, why did you even see that email? Should I go on tour? He just emailed me. What am I gonna. I should probably plan a tour. I will not respond an email. Call me. Come to my house, look me in the eye, and ask me what you're gonna ask me. You can't. You can't look me in the eye. So you hide behind an email to ask things that are morally wrong or asking too much or that you show up. Look me in the face. Ask me if you want me to host your fake charity event. People are like, can I ask you a question? Can I ask you a favor? I'm like, come over and ask me. Come. Can you do it to my face? Show up to my house and ask me if I wanna do 10 minutes on your show in Pasadena? Even though I know saying crazy things about me in the pandemic, I have the screen grabs. Come to my house, put in the two gate codes, look me in the eye and ask me. You can't. If someone cannot ask you something in person, looking you in the eye, the answer should be no. This will fix a lot of things, I'm telling you. Okay? Look me in the eye and ask me to do your podcast. Even though I've done it twice already. You asked me the same questions both times.

[Pat]

What is it like being a female.

[Whitney Cummings]

Female comedian? No one is impressed when you keep going despite struggle. It drives me nuts when people get credit because they were like, ah, I've been struggling this whole time. Yeah, everyone's struggling. Do you know what I'm saying? How about the gardeners in the Hamptons? Who do they have this? And they still have to mow your lawn every day and get more Lyme and don't have health care and no one. No, I just. We've got to stop. Can we just go back to getting attention for being better than everyone, not weaker than Everyone. I can't watch men be weak. You guys, we're good. We're literally going to war soon. And we can. We are sending messages to the enemy that men can't dance because they're tired. And listen, no one. No one wants a martyr. No one is like, oh, my God, you had Lyme disease. You were showing up every day like, cool. Is there an award show for self imposed adversity? Is this, like, a thing? You won't stay home when you're sick and you live in a $40 million mansion. I would voluntarily get Lyme disease to be able to live in your home and stay there. When I lived in a studio apartment next to an arms dealer in West Hollywood with truly GMO cockroaches that were always wet. I went to work sick. That's when I showed up sick. Why are we paying money to go see sick people tap dance? No one wants a sick person to go to work. No one wants a sick person to go to work. And I know you're going. Whitney, you're on a tangent. This is why robots are going to replace us. Because of this exact thing. Because of this exact thing. Nobody wants a sick person at work. The company will be fine. Nothing's going to fall apart if you stay home and don't come in and tell us how much emergency you've been taking. No one wants to hear about your journey to urgent care, which, by the way, is probably where you actually got sick. You were probably fine and overreacting, but sitting in the waiting room for two hours for the Snapchat photo is actually what got you sick. Stay home, all of you. I now look out of an office building to see people walking in, and it's just truly like a scene from the Last of Us at this point. I'm like, hold on. Why is Cindy in a hoodie? What's Cindy doing? What's she. Why she. Why is Mark carrying his mug with two hands? Why is Zoe walking so slowly? What's happening over here? This feels like a bug. No one wants you to come to work. No one wants to know you're sick. No one wants to hear about it. Nobody cares. Like, it's. If you're talking about how you're physically sick, that's just how you tell everyone how you're mentally sick. Something's off, okay? We gotta go back to hiding our weaknesses. People have to stop glamorizing, working through being sick. Nobody wants to know. It makes you look weak. And it sets the example that men should complain. And there is Just no time for that right now, okay? Look, I know Jobs will only be around for a couple more months, but this is an epidemic of advertising weakness disguised as expressing vulnerability and showing up authentically. It is causing pop stars to show up with nerve damage and eternal mono. Go to everyone. Go to bed. Everyone. Stop it. It. We're in burnout. As a species, we have peak adrenal fatigue. No species gets sick this much. Okay, so let's say these. All these illnesses are real and everyone's actually sick. We are literally all, at this point, like the grandpa from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and we're just broadcasting it to the rest of the world, okay? I mean, actually, the sad part about Justin Timberlake is it does seem like he was trying to relax and be on vacation, but he chose the Hamptons, and that's where he got the thing that made him sick. Because also, like, Justin Timberlake could have just been like, I'm 45, not having Lyme and being 45, and I'm tired. I can't do any more cortisone shots in my lower back. Dude, I've been tap dancing since I was four. Okay? The Disney Channel. Like, I don't have an Achilles tendon left. We'd be like, sick, dude. No problem. The point is, though, he's still doing it. The people that are in charge, they can't power down. They can't stop touring. They can't be in normal society. It's like, they have to be away from us, but they also need that dopamine, you know? So they think we're addicted to them, but they're addicted to us. And these are people that cannot stay in their home alone with their own thoughts. They think for us. They represent us, and they don't even like themselves. Will Smith punched a man in the face in front of. Truly, 3 billion people. Went home and went, all right, I gotta get back in the studio and write a song about how much I like pretty girls.

[Pat]

I've heard all of your concerns, and I'm willing to address them.

[Whitney Cummings]

And you know what? I've taken my mental health break. I took a couple days off, and I went to Branson's island, where I hung out with Elon Musk. And now I wanted to write a song about how I like pretty girls, not women. I'm not gonna ask anyone about this. Girls. None of the girls in the video are bald either. Does anyone love any of these people? I just. Jennifer Lopez, she's on another tour. What? What? I wasn't there a Tour. What is it? What is this? Does she need miles? Is she trying to get like, platinum? I don't know. If you don't go away, you can't be an interesting artist. And artists are the only thing that is making this next generation, like, have any kind of depth or soul. And you guys are soulless because all you do is hustle and grind. But your music is meaningless. Your songs are meaningless. No one wants to list you sing about the fake heartbreak from the relationship you're only in to get back into the news cycle. Do they think we can't tell we're really in trouble as a society if people can't go away for five minutes? What I'm saying is not just about Justin Timberlake. I think it's really about the fact that, like, we're addicted to dopamine. All celebrities are the most addicted. Okay? Imagine playing for 50,000 people doing the super bowl live. That's what billions of people. You can't go back to being in your mansion. It's just too boring. So when we watch people on the super bowl, we are enabling them from detaching from reality and they will never be able to enjoy a moment again. These people we love so much, we're ruining their lives by being a fan of them. These people are core. Imagine people are already famous. Legends, statues, streets named after them. They're choreographing performances in Burbank till 4am with a bandage on. What? So you then can do it live in St. Petersburg? They're not doing it because they want to entertain you or like you. They can, they can Entertain you on YouTube or IG Live. They're doing it because they're bored. They're just trying to figure out a way to not cheat on their wives. We thought we were coming to watch you do a show. We thought we were coming to watch you, like, connect with us. They're just trying to not cheat. They're just trying to keep their dopamine up. Our definition of bored is so wild at this point. Justin Timberlake doing a show at the Smoothie King Arena. That's our version of sitting in traffic and calling your friend and being like, hey, what are you doing? I'm in traffic. What's up? This episode is sponsored by Smalls. If you have a cat, you know they are picky and psychic and probably one of your deceased relatives. They can tell the difference between real food and filler. Smalls makes human grade high protein cat food that gently is. Is cooked and packed with real ingredients like chicken, turkey, and beef. No byproducts, no mystery meat. No meat meal that was in quotes. 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One of the biggest benefits cat owners report is less odor in the litter box because the food is higher quality and more your cat's poop is going to smell it. Amazing. Try it now. And get 60% off your first order with free [e-mail] Whitney. That's smalls.com Whitney. This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile. Let's be honest. Most phone plans are way more expensive than they need to be. They're scams. Mint Mobile offers premium wireless service starting at just $15 a month with unlimited talk, text, and data on the nation's largest 5G network. The way they keep prices low is simple. Mint sells plans online only. There's no retail stores, no overhead, no unnecessary markups. You order a plan, they send you SIM card or an eim and then you activate it from home. It's perfect if you want to cut your wireless bill without changing your phone or number. And also, who wants to go into a store ever again? Ever again? Again. You go in, they're like, hey, can I get a new phone? They're like, excuse me. What kind of weirdo is going to show what. What happened to your phone? What? What? What happened to it? Why? Why do you want a new one? It's just, like, so weird. You, like, hand them your phone that's, like, covered in, like, chowder. And just, like, you're just like, do I Trade it. Like, do you want it? The thing you've been like, that's been inside your mouth for the past four years that you've brought into the bathroom with you. You're like, do I give it back? It's like going to a mattress store, being like, hi, I'd like to buy a mattress. They're like, we're calling the police. None of these places are for you to show up and interface with us. This is like a, a prop, like a. This is like a warehouse with some posters that you're not supposed to like come in here. Are you loco right now? You can get three months of unlimited premium wireless for just [e-mail] Whitney and they don't make you go into a creepy store. Like, what? Someone's like, I'm just headed to the phone store. I'm like, what are you doing? Send me your. Drop your location. Drop your pin right now. Phone store, mint mobile.com Whitney upfront payment of 45 is required. Taxes and fees are extra. Speeds may slow after 35 gigabytes. Our self care as a species is now scrolling social media reading self care quotes at 3am Our mental wellness is us recording videos on TikTok about what we just heard Dax Shepard say about mental wellness and then how problematic it was that he said that given he platformed this toxic person. We now glorify our inability to tolerate discomfort by calling it having boundaries, speaking our truth and taking up space. No, you just think everything is about you. So you go out of your way to be offended by someone else's behavior so you can get attention for being a victim. Which is pretty narcissistic, which you should know because you just did three ig lives about how every person you've ever dated is a narcissist just because they didn't want to keep dating you. Like, we're two in our own myopic like world. Therapy, spe and mental health, that's all awesome, but talking about it and scrolling about it all day is so much worse for you than never having gone to therapy at all. It's like people, if you watched workout videos all day, you're actually in worse shape than if you didn't and just like walked around and did stuff. You know what I'm saying? We get our health advice at this point from either men who are lecturing us on how to live forever, but you just have to like be in an ice bath for most of the rest of your life. But like you can live forever. Like honestly, I'D love to live less long and not force my body into think it's dying every day in order to stay alive. Like, we take mental health advice from doctors who want to be famous. If you're a medical professional and you want anyone that you've never met to know your name, you should have your license revoked immediately. If you want someone to know your name who didn't meet you personally and get your name verbally out of your mouth, like, no license whatsoever, you should be on, like, a registry. Frankly, if you are a mental health professional with a publicist, you need to be on a list. You should be able to see unregistered mental health people in your area. We are in trouble because we are getting advice, life advice from podcasters, people who, if the portable microphone had not been invented, they would be street performers. They would have, like, a bongo. We are taking advice from people who, if podcasting did not exist, most of these people that we listen to would be, like, the person like, that brought, like, a goat to a kid's party, like, that guy. But no podcasting in Hollywood came along, and it's like, the people who needed the most attention and the most dopamine are now on a pedestal with the audacity to tell us how to live and, like, be role models. And, like, if you want to be a role model, you don't go. Like, I have Lyme disease. I went. I went to only hang out with famous people in, like, the Hamptons, and I have Lyme disease, so I can't tour. Like, this is not a victory for mental health people whose own. So entertainers. Their parents didn't even want to hang out with them. Their dads left. And frankly, I would like to hear the dad's side of the story now that I see the way that this is all panning out. Okay, I'm. I get it now. I saw that apology. It was long. The dads are like, your story is all middle. Can we get a beginning? Can we get an end? Can we tighten up these stories about school today? Son, people become entertainers because they didn't get attention as kids. Frankly, now that I think about it, I'm like, also, can we not. This is. I know, but coming up, mental health also as well. How much attention did you need? How much. How much? How much attention do we all need? That's our whole thing now is I didn't get attention as a child, so now I'm gonna do that. How much? I don't know. My son just needs me there to make sure he doesn't perish. That's mostly what I'm doing. What do we want? This is our new excuse for everything. Who decides what neglected means? Who decides these things? Like, when people tell you. Like, you know, like, people tell me, they're like, whitney, you're avoidant. I'm like, we talk every day. Like, I don't. You're afraid of intimacy. No, no, I'm not afraid of intimacy. I'm not avoidant. You're just unemployed. You don't get to call employed people avoidant. If I give you everything I have left after working all day to afford my fake fire insurance in California and the funds I need to bankroll my horse bolo tie addiction, and if that's still not enough for you, maybe it's you. Maybe you need too much attention. Is it possible that the people who are posting all day about how little attention they got as children need too much attention? Everyone is in therapy. Like, my parents didn't give me enough attention. Yeah, they also smoked inside the car with the windows up. Maybe you would have been better off with even less attention than you got. Okay, like, what did we want from our parents? Like, truly, like, what did you do? Like, my dad made eye contact with me a couple times. I was like, what are you looking? Like, how much intimacy did you want with your parents? Jim saying, like, did you really want to hang out with your mom all day and do what? They all drank. Trust me, I hung out with a drunk mom. And it's. It's not that fun. You have to tell the same story every day, which did prepare me for being a podcaster. People are like, I wasn't heard as a child. No, you were heard. You just weren't listened to. You had nothing to say. They were like, cool. What more did you need? What is this? My needs weren't met. What else did you need? What did you. You want to do active listening with your parents? Aren't you. You made it. You're alive. What do we want? Our parents? You want your parents to gaze into your eyes and, like, do active listening with a child? Any adult who actually listens when a child talks should be in jail. It's my job to set a good example. I'm looking for threats. I'm trying to model good behavior. I'm trying to be careful with what I say. If your parent is, like, hanging out with you, that's not the parent you want, who's just, like, you're their friend. You're not their friend. Everyone I know who like is friends with their parents is a mess. The point is the people who seek out fame, they needed to be seen by millions of strangers. And we saw them, we loved them. It wasn't enough for them. It wasn't enough. It's kind of time for us and the entertainers to like, go our separate ways. Like, we kind of just like want to be friends. We're just like, we don't really need you guys anymore. Like, like, like 21 year olds on TikTok are telling us what's cool. Like you guys used to be what's cool. But like, you're tap dancing for people when you have lyme disease. Like, we can't. Your judgment is crazy. Like no 45 year old celebrity who hangs out with their stylist and hair person all day knows what's cool. It is starting to become clear to me that entertainers who need to entertain all the time need us way more than we need them. And it's just like, weird. Like, why are you coming to my town again? You were, you were just here last year. It's just like, why are you obsessed with me? Like, you're back. Like, that's weird. There's something weird about like, you were just here. I just think we need some space, you know, like, it's not you, it's me. But like, why is Justin Timberlake back? People don't need to be entertained anymore. We're truly only amused at this point by diagnosing other people with mental illnesses and finding fake wellness information to justify our bad behavior. That's what people do all day. No one's like, I, I didn't cheat. My love language is physical touch. Like, like, I'm not giving this person the silent dream and I'm just avoidant. Like, thank you mental health industry for giving the craziest people on the planet patronizing excuses for their behavior that make them seem smart. I'm not late. I have Asperger's. Oh, really? Is is the Asperger's what made you stop and get a Starbucks on the way? Because you have a hot one in your hand. Huh? Look, the fly. Do you see it? Do you see my fly? You guys, I have managed to domesticate a fly. I got him. I got him. Here's my fly. We got my fly. This episode does have a couple breaks. I wonder if I can move my fly so you guys can see them. Oh, he'll be back. I'll move it closer. I'm just like a cartoon villain. Like, voila, my fly. I just Think we all need to take a breather because we're all in a collective manic episode. And then when things don't go as planned, we're like, well, here's my excuse. I was sick. I didn't get enough attention. I have Asperger's. He should just be like, guys, I hate these songs. I hate them. I've been singing them for 30 years. Before that, my boss was a cartoon mouse. Britney Spears had a ghostwriter write a book about me saying that I had a small D. I don't want to do this anymore. Can we normalize? I don't want to do this anymore. I am not going to go on tour with my lime and make other people sing my songs. You know, the only way to make yourself hate your own music more is to have other people sing it at you. Or he did it and they didn't know the words. Something happened and it's not this. And you know I'm right. Let's just stop. We all need to stop. We need to stop working. We need to stop healing. We need to stop. I just want to talk about the concept of stopping for one second. Okay? Stop scrolling and posting and listening and filming. Except me, because this podcast is already two days late. I just. Let's just sit with our. Can we normalize just sitting with ourselves for one second? Look in the mirror and. And just sit. Sit alone with yourself. Okay, hear me out. Sitting alone with yourself at this point is the best show on TV. We are in such a 247 cycle of mass distraction and self induced chaos that sitting in silence is Star Wars. Try it, dude. It's like I put my phone down. This was last night when I couldn't sleep and I was like, ah, this is crazy. Like, this set me off. I put my phone down and I actually put it in my closet because I just like kept reaching for and thinking about it. Dude. I was sitting there alone with myself and I was like, whoa, I forgot I had a storage unit. Dude, I have a storage unit in Studio City that I forgot about. About.

[Pat]

Oh, we should do a mini Do I know. When do you want to go?

[Whitney Cummings]

Gotta find the key. We gotta find the key.

[Pat]

It's a mystery as well.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's like a. It's a storage unit. It has like lots of stuff from my old sitcom, like props and like all this crazy stuff. Dude, I'm telling you, if you do sit without your phone for 10 minutes and don't at the end of that 10 minutes, want a bunker in Arkansas and to only Socialize with chickens. That you'll do. Farm fresh eggs. You might want to talk to. You know what I'd say a doctor, but they're all on Instagram or YouTube. Oh, and we're in hell. Like, that's the loop. You're like, oh, I need to talk to a. Oh, no, there are none.

[Pat]

Did you ever do any tm Transcendental meditation?

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, I did.

[Pat]

Is it much different than just shutting up and putting your phone down for 20 minutes?

[Whitney Cummings]

Well, there's like, a mantra, and you have to pay someone to teach you how to close your eyes and put your phone away. And, like, the people that I hear talk about meditation are usually on medication. It's just like, stop taking that thing maybe. You know what I'm saying? You notice all the people that are like, meditate and whatever. I'm like, I know that you cheat on your wife. Why don't you just stop doing things that make you need to meditate in the first place? It's like, all these people, like, here's how to sleep at night. It's like, men. There's like, here's how to sleep. I'm like, how about just don't cheat? And you will sleep like a baby. No one has trouble sleeping unless they are riddled with guilt. What? Huh? You can't sleep. And all the people, like, here's. Here's how to sleep at night. I got your sleeping advice from the Instagram you posted at 2:00am why are you up crawling out of a married woman's window at 2:00am like, it. You know what I'm saying? I just. Most people who work really hard and do the right things when no one's watching, like, don't need to be. Like, I need to just relax and calm down. Just tell the truth and you'll be relaxed. Anyone who's, like, into meditating, there's always, like, a. Come join me in relaxing. Come sit on these pillows and close your eyes. I'm not closing my eyes around anyone. I'm not. My eyes are. I don't close my eyes. Nothing is less relaxing to a woman than closing her eyes when men are sitting on the floor next to them. You want me to. I'm gonna keep my eyes open for this meditation session, if that's cool. Why do men want us to relax so bad? Why are you trying to make me calm down so much? Well, I know what to do. I know what to do. I have a hammock. I'm gonna go garden. People relax different ways. Like, I relax doing active Things?

[Pat]

Yeah, physical labor.

[Whitney Cummings]

People like, I can't sleep, so I'm gonna meditate. Go do stuff that makes you tired. If you relax all day, of course you're not tired when it's time for sleep. Go be useful to society. Is this making any sense? You just sat on a pillow for 20 minutes at 4pm of course you're not tired. You nap all day. People that go to yoga, they're like, I can't. I have insomnia. I'm like, didn't you just go to a class where you laid down? Whenever I, like, woke up, I was like, I'm gonna go to yoga. It was like 7am and then you, like, lie down there. Like, lie there. I'm like, I just did this for eight hours. Stop trying to make me relax. When I'm tired, I'll go to sleep. Not all of us are designed to go to bed at 10pm you know, do things. That's a bad answer. Doesn't get me in trouble. If it works for you, fine. Anyone who's like, forcing you to relax, like, nothing is. It's like when someone. It's literally, to me, meditation is a guy going, relax, calm down. But there's like a pillow involved. And like a guy have to pay money to go to a class. I have to go park in a parking lot. The whole point, I'm only meditating to undo the stress that happened of getting to the meditation class. Just sit. Go sit outside, listen, close your eyes. You don't need a mantra. Do whatever you need to do. I like to just. I just call processing what relief stress for me is just time alone. Going like, did I do that thing? Did I do that thing? Journaling, Just journal. Write it down. I don't know. That's what relaxes me. Doing things that need to be done. Not sitting around trying to think about nothing. What? What? But anyway, meditation. Give me a statistic. Give me a study. Throw me a study about why I'm wrong.

[Pat]

You want the hard stats?

[Whitney Cummings]

Tell me what the meditation people cooked up in the lab about how good meditation. Tell. Please tell me the Stanford study. Tell me the study that all the workaholics who never meditate did with their study when they had a bunch of people that could afford to go to Stanford come in and be in a study and pretend they were stressed out and then meditate with all hungover and tell me how meditation helped them. Please.

[Pat]

I would love some objective results on a meditation study.

[Whitney Cummings]

Please.

[Pat]

It's all. It's all self reporting. There is no quantifiable way. Anyone who's bothering to tell you how their meditation went, biased.

[Whitney Cummings]

The only people I know that struggle with relaxing or sleeping are podcasters who, frankly, should feel guilty for taking the money, given the product they're putting out. They should be losing sleep at night.

[Pat]

Must be the guilt.

[Whitney Cummings]

All the people that are shilling these fake vitamins at you all day. I'm like, oh, no. Yeah, you should be worrying about the DOJ investigation that's coming down the pike in five years. The guy who's like, yeah, I take blood from my son, but I can't sleep at night. Yeah, yeah. It's the only appropriate thing. That's all. The only thing that makes sense that you've said to me. I think that scrolling on the Internet is actually a meditative state at this point. Like, I'm not taking in information. I'm in a little bit of a nothing when I think about nothing. The only time I ever feel like I'm thinking about nothing is when I'm scrolling the Internet because it's like the chaos is all canceling. It's just. It's white noise, visual.

[Pat]

It's kind of. It's kind of overriding stuff that you're retaining in your mind that isn't at the front of your mind.

[Whitney Cummings]

Retaining. That's over. What? There's no retaining anymore. I haven't retained something in years. What are you talking about? Ask me what I did yesterday, Pat.

[Pat]

Yeah, it was probably overwritten by a Bigfoot sighting.

[Whitney Cummings]

I actually can't tell you. We don't have memories anymore because we've outsourced remembering things to our phone. I'll look through my phone and be like, whoa, I did that? Yes. I have no recollection because I'm not present in the moment when I'm doing it because I'm documenting it. And then the only time I know what happened yesterday is when I'm in my phone looking at what happened yesterday.

[Pat]

And your new memories are competing with the phone to actually commit anything.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay, so if I haven't, I'm literally take pictures of things so that I. I'm Memento. I'm the guy from Memento. I'm like, take a picture. My hippocampus is being charged currently and has my credit card behind it. So we don't. Retaining isn't even a thing anymore. So it's just like, what are we meditating for? To relax from doing. What have we done? We haven't done anything except to remember, to try to remember existing. That's the only thing we're doing. How. How taxing is that? You're just reminding your phone to live for you. How hard can it be?

[Pat]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

She's like, hey, we're pressing. But we are truly just. In Skinner's mind, we're just pressing buttons to try to simulate our light, like document the life we're pretending to have.

[Pat]

You know that show Naked and afraid.

[Whitney Cummings]

No. Yes.

[Pat]

So they go to great lengths on. On naked and afraid to take. To strip people down. Put them someplace difficult.

[Whitney Cummings]

Sure.

[Pat]

And watch the drama unfold.

[Whitney Cummings]

Sure.

[Pat]

I think you could take pretty much anybody under the age of 35 and take away their phone only and put them on the far side of the town that they live in and just follow them around with a camera crew until they find their way home, because they will have troubles.

[Whitney Cummings]

I checked out at 35. You're like, I don't even believe ages are real. Because someone who's 35, if they've been on their phone all day. Emotionally, there's absolutely no emotional maturity. Whereas my niece, who's 18, she hasn't been on social media. She has a camera that you take to the thing. She's 85 years old. I was talking to her and I was like, so tell me what happened in Normandy again? Ages are so backwards at this point. Like, I don't even know. I am taking care of people emotionally who are 45 years old. I have girlfriends that are still looking for their phone chargers at Coachella. It ended three months ago. And like, where's my charger? I can't be my thing and I want to date this guy. He's in the NBA. And I'm like, you're truly 45 years old. And then my 18 year old niece is like, did I show you the photo of her reading a book by the pool?

[Pat]

She was reading a book for enjoyment.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't even think it was that. She didn't post it. Nothing. We went to the Grove and she went in and she. She had a book of the Agatha Christie. I was like, what is. Is this? What is this? Yeah, what is this? What do you. What is this?

[Pat]

How do you charge that thing?

[Whitney Cummings]

Last time I bought a book that wasn't vintage for show or a collector's item, it was a thing you can hide things in. It was a fake book that you put in your library. So you can hide, I guess. Keys to storage units, if you can find those. I just feel like we're in A little bit of a jam. All right? And this mental wellness thing on social media, which is rooted in tell everyone your sickness. Tell everyone your diseases kind of feels like something. Someone who would want to make a bioweapon would want to know about your vulnerabilities. You know what I mean? We're all like, here's my mental illness. Here's my physical illness. Here's what I'm allergic to. You're just making yourself very easy to kill. And I believe it is my job to stop giving the future robots who are already gonna replace you all the information on your vulnerabilities. You know what I'm saying? It's. Remember, I think it was last episode I talked about, like, give Alexa conflicting information to cancel out. I just. I don't know. I don't know if Justin Timberlake actually has Lyme disease. I do know that if I needed to handle Justin Timberlake, I'd have some better ideas now on what to do. That's all I'm saying. Okay. We spent all this time going, I need to protect my health and my mental health, and I need to get an ice bath. I feel like all these mental health professionals, like, keep your diagnosis to yourself. If the richest people in the world can't not get Lyme disease, we all have to take a good, hard look at ourselves. Why would that happen? What is the point of being rich or successful if you can't stop doing the thing that got you there? The whole people that aren't in Hollywood, they work and they look forward to retiring. The whole point is to stop working at some point. We're now just working ourselves for the love of the game. Right? There is something fascinating to me that you work so hard to become this thing, and then you can't stop doing the thing that got you there. Even though you're so rich that. And even when you do try to take a break, you are brainwashed in some weird way or so addicted to fame and power and being away from regular people that when you do go relax and try to take a break, a blood sucking, fat spider pukes up old blood from a deer into your brain and you have to write apologies for you're apologizing to people that you're apologizing. You're a legend. Why are you. Why is anyone apologizing for anything? That's not a crime. Okay. What is it all for? Okay? It doesn't get bigger than Justin Timberlake and JLo and they're groveling. What's happening? Imagine being alive in the 1600s, milking cows and working in a coal mine and trying to figure out why your kids arms keep falling off and being like, I just wish I was alive in the future when all these problems were solved. And some are from 2025 was like, oh hey, in 2025, people are getting stress related diseases who live in mansions. They're like, oh wait, you still have to. What? Huh? People who can pay all their bills. Wait, milk gets delivered to you. You don't have to get a disease from the cow in order to get the milk from the cow to survive. Like, hold on your kids fingers stay on their hands. They don't just fall off. Right? Their nose just doesn't fall off when you try to kiss them good night because of some disease we'll never be able to identify. They're like, oh no, no, no, no. This is 2025. We can cover all of our needs to survive. We just work all the time for the fans. They're like, the who? The fans. They need us. We do it to bring joy to the fans. What? I feel like the fans are going to be fine. Huh? The fans are fine. They live at a time with antibiotics. Why are entertainers always trying to do things for the fans? No, you're not. No you're not. If you love your fans so much, why can't you fly commercial and see them say hi, Name one of your fans names. Just one. Name one. You do it for the fans. Then why is your merch $120? Your job is to project joy and strength not only to your fans, but to the world. No one wants to be reminded about how humans are all just trash bags full of blood who are one bug bite away from never being able to dance again. Okay? Your job is to be talented and strong and good and then hide if you need to. When you're not. Sorry. Let me just. Okay, you can't be a bummer. People are like, oh, the world is at a tough place. Then don't be a bummer. Be a reminder. Uh oh. No one wants a reminder about how humans are just trash bags full of blood. And no matter how rich and how famous and how talented you are, a single vampire vermin can just take you out while you're driving your $250,000 Rustic Mint Green bronco around Southampton. It's a bummer. No amount of $7 pears or $12 cherries can protect you from the bugs who are just waiting to bite through the thinnest skin on your body. No one wants to think about that. The self tanner you secretly put on at night won't even deter these bugs. No one wants to know about that. You know what? Shut up. China's watching. Russia's watching. Okay, can everyone. Two weeks. Let's just experiment. Not bragging about how sick we are. Just. Let's see what happens. Let's just see what happens, you know? And this is why Trump wins. The guy's doctor is like. Like the. The head of the Fire festival medical team, and he's like, I feel great. There's no way. There's no way that guy feels great. There is no way. Okay? I don't condone lying. I do condone omitting. This is why I love my boyfriend. He is riddled with arthritis, has to put his socks on when he's lying down, never complains about it. Stop trying to entertain us and then feeling awful when no one wants to be entertained. Read the room. We don't want to feel joy. We want to live in constant anxiety and panic. Read. Read the room. We want to feel important. We don't. We want to feel superhuman. We want to feel like we can change ourselves if we just do this and drink this tea and have this acai berry. Stop reminding us that even one of the richest people in the world is mortal. Who can be taken out by a bug. How dare you. We don't want to come to your show. We don't want to have, like, watched you struggle for us. Okay? Just. We already think you're an industry plant and they don't get Lyme disease. I just need a way out of here. I'm just trying to. And also, you can't do this and have a song called Cry Me a River. You can't have both. You have to be funny at your shows. You don't get to. If you're gonna go to the audience because you're saying, put the kiss cam on the fancy boxes. Never thought I'd say this. Chris Martin knows what to do. Don't hear him complain. Don't know anything about him. I don't think he can even dance. And he definitely has Lyme disease. Look at him. He hangs out with his. He. Dude, you know how many people have Lyme disease? You will never hear talk about it. I don't know. I just have to get out of here. Whatever the last funny thing was. Anyway, I promise next week we will have segments and we will talk about many topics. But this just really hit me sideways that I have to pity another millionaire. Is anyone sick of pitying millionaires because they have a disease that you can only get if you're a millionaire. It turns out Justin Timberlake is actually the best example and the most. Has delivered the most profound example of what can solve this epidemic that I've been talking about. He just showed us how. You gotta know when to call it. And we are in an epidemic of not knowing when to call it. Justin Timberlake didn't know when to call it. So then it's this. And then now I gotta have Lyme disease. Know when to call it. I know when to call it. Which is why I'm done speaking. I know you gotta know when to call it. Don't ride elephants, Gala.