WHITNEY IS DONE | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 302

Summary

Podcast Summary: Good For You with Whitney Cummings

Episode 302: "WHITNEY IS DONE"
Release Date: August 17, 2025
Host: Whitney Cummings

---

EPISODE OVERVIEW

In this emotionally charged solo episode, Whitney Cummings departs from her usual comedic ruminations to process and openly discuss the loss of her best friend. The episode pivots to challenge wellness culture and scrutinizes the aftermath of the pandemic, questioning common notions of health, reality, and grief. With her signature blend of dark humor and candid vulnerability, Whitney examines why “doing everything right” might not always save us—and what happens when personal loss shakes your foundation.

---

KEY DISCUSSION POINTS AND INSIGHTS

1. Processing Grief Publicly

• Whitney opens the episode by announcing her best friend’s death, oscillating between tears and laughter as she confronts the absurdity and pain of loss.
  • “If I'm going to cry on camera, it will only be for OnlyFans. I'm a lot of things, but bad at business is not one of them.” (06:05)
• She reflects on the expectations of podcasting: there are no “days off” for grief, and the show must go on—even when real life intrudes.

2. The Failure of Wellness Culture

• Whitney skewers modern wellness obsessions, noting her best friend did every “right” thing—clean eating, glass water jars, homemade almond butter—while Whitney indulged in junk food, yet she’s the one left behind.
  • “She was using glass jars when we were in college for water... I’m eating Starburst gum, and I’m still alive.” (10:06)
• She challenges the integrity and marketing of wellness businesses.
  • “The wellness business, I think, is a scam.” (09:48)
  • “The only spokesperson for a wellness company should be the 110-year-old that just finished a marathon.” (09:42, Pat)
• She frames her friend’s loss as proof that health isn’t a safeguard against tragedy.
  • “There’s no point in being healthy. There’s no point in trying!” (07:23)

3. Speculation on Cause of Death and Medical Uncertainty

• Whitney cautiously wonders if her friend’s sudden illness—implied to be an aggressive cancer—might be linked to the pandemic, either through the virus, the vaccine, or some environmental factor.
  • “She got the virus and she got the Maxine booster because she had to for something...and very quickly after that, she had some turbo cancer.” (13:18)
• Frustration at not being able to speak openly due to fear of online backlash and censorship.
  • “You can’t just say something you have a gut hunch about, because I’m so worried people are going to think I’m crazy.” (13:55)
• She laments the confusion and lack of answers from the medical community.
  • “If you’re confused, that’s it. If you’re confused, that’s when you need to figure out if the call is coming from inside the house.” (15:52)

4. Processing the Legacy of the Virus and Pandemic

• Whitney accuses society of moving on too quickly, ignoring both the virus’s and the vaccine’s possible long-term effects.
  • “I think we all forgot about straight up, the actual virus.” (23:22)
• She satirizes pandemic behaviors and our willingness to “forget” serious symptoms, like losing taste and smell.
  • “No one was like, oh that’s weird. We were like, I can’t taste or smell and then moved on as if that’s not neurological damage.” (34:26)
• She muses about the possible nefarious intent behind the pandemic, offering a conspiratorial—but comedic—take on its global repercussions.

5. Questioning Labels: “Healthy” vs. “Poison”

• Whitney dissects marketing language around food and health, finding it deeply suspicious.
  • “Why isn’t it just called a food store? And the other ones should be called the poison store.” (43:05)
  • “Shouldn’t an organic apple just say apple? And then the non-organic one should just say covered in Mesobimanza May number seven.” (44:39)
• She warns against blind trust in health fads, supplements, and labels, joking, “Since this diagnosis has happened, when I tell you I only at this point drink sugar, soda and chocolate, Dubai chocolate. And I’ve never felt better.” (44:16)

6. Shattered Beliefs and New Realities

• The episode ends with Whitney surrendering her former critical stance on “synthetic” or “virtual reality” ways of living, expressing a desire to retreat from a reality that feels unsafe and unreliable.
  • “I will be rescuing more horses, more dogs. Hell, I might get a pager. I might start using microwaves again.” (46:35)
  • “I was wrong. It was elitist of me to keep trying to push reality on people and that was my mistake.” (50:44)
• She jokes about joining cosplay and simulation subcultures, embracing digital escapism.
  • “I’m done. It’s over. Reality’s over for me. Checking out.” (50:44)
  • “Don’t ask me. I don’t exist. Ask Leonora. Not even real. Ask Athena159.” (50:32)

---

NOTABLE QUOTES & MEMORABLE MOMENTS

• On grief’s absurdity:
  • “If I stop seeing comments from the same person, I’ll be like, oh… I’ll just assume you got over me or I fell off or something.” (06:40)
• On the collapse of health logic:
  • “I witnessed her doing since she’s 18 years old. If this happened to her, the organic sticker means nothing.” (45:55)
• On modern wellness:
  • “We should look at it as a… Why is that on the label? Shouldn’t this be inherent?” (43:55)
• On letting go of reality:
  • “This podcast will be different now. You will no longer hear me make fun of the people who check out of reality and have created their own world. They’re right.” (50:08)

---

TIMESTAMPS FOR IMPORTANT SEGMENTS

• 00:00-01:30 — Open, self-roasting, and touring announcements.
• 05:53 — Whitney reveals the death of her best friend (“My best friend died, I’m not gonna cry…”).
• 09:42 — Skepticism about wellness companies ("The only spokesperson for a wellness company…”)
• 13:18 — Discussing cause of friend’s illness and "turbo cancer."
• 15:52 — The power of confusion and modern villains.
• 23:22 — Re-litigating the pandemic’s real legacy and what we forgot.
• 34:26 — Satirizing symptom normalization and psychological effects.
• 43:05 — Critique on health labels and food marketing.
• 46:35 — Aftermath: Whitney’s plans to cope with her loss ("collecting dolls," "rescuing animals," etc.)
• 50:08 — Surrendering to digital/alternate realities.
• 51:03 — Outro jokes, embracing conspiracy humor and absurdity.

---

EPISODE TONE AND LANGUAGE

Whitney’s voice careens between sardonic, heartfelt, and whip-smart. Despite the episode’s sad catalyst, she brings catharsis through biting self-awareness and laughter, often undercutting bleak points with surreal, comic absurdity. She names names, calls out trends, and refuses platitudes at every turn—making for a noisy, raw, and entertaining journey through the messiness of real life.

---

Summary for New Listeners:
This episode is a vulnerable, honest, and darkly funny reckoning with mortality, modern health culture, and reality itself. Whitney pulls no punches in interrogating the narratives we’re sold about wellness, openly grieves her best friend, and ultimately decides reality may be overrated—inviting listeners to laugh, question, and possibly, check out into their own simulation.

Transcript

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, my parents weren't interested in me. They just weren't. They. They. They. You know, like, he's just not that into you. They just weren't that into me. As a result, there is nothing that matters more to me than making you laugh. If you hate me, even better. I. Oh, cozy. Cozy. I feel at home. Thank you for the. The. The ba. The dose of nostalgia. I will be coming to Philadelphia, Connecticut. You know what? I'm coming to Connecticut. No panties. I want to test out this Lyme disease thing. Crevices out.

[B]

Peeing in bushes.

[A]

Let's peeing in bushes. What do you put on peanut butter? What attracts ticks? Whatever it is. Blood. I'm going to go money. Whatever it is, come give me a little thimble of your blood so I can rub it all over my body and try to attract some ticks. Let's just. I'm so. I have not slept in 20 years. I would love nothing more than a little bit of lime. If someone could just put a tick in my drink. Whatever needs to happen so I can actually get some REM sleep, I'd really appreciate it. I'm gonna be in Norfolk for Virginia, in Richmond, Virginia, from where I hail. So all my high school bullies, fake friends, come on out and come see that even though I am more successful than you, I'm not necessarily happier. The. The. The payment for this ticket will be worth it. Don't you worry. Come say hi to me passive aggressively and you'll see the. You'll see the tears lining on the water line as we take a picture together. You win. You win. Where else? Reading. I'm going to be in Florida. I'm going to be in New Orleans. I'm in Calgary next week. So let's just. Let's go. But if. You know what? If you're like, I'm not going to pay money to go see a woman talk for an hour. You know what? Fair. That's why for people like you, we put a special on YouTube. My last special where I am pregnant and just wheezing the entire show, barely holding it together, crowning, frankly. It is on YouTube and we have another special coming on YouTube soon. So you know what? Go enjoy. Engage in the comments. Make some friends. Lol. Right from your couch. Let's go.

[B]

Listen to it in the car.

[A]

Listen to it in the car. Guys, like, go, like, do it.

[B]

Listen to it at the beach while you still can.

[A]

I don't know, just get it. What do you. What is this? I'm going to eat more of my vat of Dubai chocolate. I mean, do you know about this Dubai chocolate Vap?

[B]

I've seen the ads where they break the thing in half and this in the foam comes out of the chocolate bar. Have you seen this?

[A]

I think that's. Is that the cotton candy one?

[B]

Well, they have whatever the green stuff.

[A]

Is that you have the pistachio that's in the Dubai. All I eat is the Dubai chocolate with. They have these, like, little crunchies in it.

[B]

When I see those ads where they break the chocolate bar open and the foam comes out, I kind of want to vomit.

[A]

I. That's disgusting. I don't like things that stretch or explode or.

[B]

You know, it's like a bad surprise because it looks like a nice chocolate bar. You open it up and it's like this foamy mold looking stuff comes out of it and you're just like, why.

[A]

Is bad surprise like, my favorite is that is literally just life now. Like, I remember there was a time in my life where, like, surprise me.

[B]

You know, save it.

[A]

Don't ruin it. Surprise me. Do you want your present earlier? Oh, surprise me.

[B]

Well, I do like surprises.

[A]

Is there such a thing as a good surprise anymore, though? Name one. Happy birthday. You're older. I'm not. That's a bad surprise. You all got into my house. All right, guys, this is a very special episode where you are going to watch me depart from my usual ruminations about the epidemic of mental illness in our society to discussing the physical illness that are befalling humans today. I pivot this episode. It. It's going to be a journey. Okay? So buckle up, buttercup. This is a weird week. We've pushed the episode a couple times this week. I'm just going to start by saying that I'm okay. As you can tell. Sprayed on my hairline, put Neosporin on my new piercings. I'm good. Nobody panic. But I did. You know, my. It's actually so crazy and so hard to get out of my mouth, but. Because I'll either cry for two weeks or I will not be able to stop laughing. Either way, YouTube's gonna have to take this down. But I don't know how in podcasting to not, like, address what's actually going on, you know, personally, because it doesn't end this thing. It doesn't end. You know, I. Podcasting, you don't get weeks off. You can't go like, oh, I'm having a personal bottom. Like, the worst thing ever happened to me happen. They're like, oh, yeah, cool. So let me know when you're going to deliver. We just sent you the bluechew copy. And also there's this new serial that has bluechew in it. And so you can just, can you please just hawk these cereal? And this is a new water. Here's a new Ridge wallet ad. Even though no one has money anymore, but, but here's a wallet just. Halloween's coming up. Maybe someone wants to go. As a person who has money for.

[B]

Halloween, it's my 90s costume.

[A]

Oh, gosh. Okay, so my best friend died, which is which I'm not gonna cry, but I, I, I am gonna. It's actually more upsetting because I'm probably gonna, like, hysterically laugh about it because that, it's that crazy. I've rescheduled recording a couple times so that you guys didn't have to witness me sobbing because if I did that, if I was crying on this show, you wouldn't need bluechill. If I'm going to cry on camera, it will be for onlyfans. I'm a lot of things, but bad at business is not one of them. So honestly, like, I am going to have to laugh about it. I go back and forth from, like, hysterical fits of laughter to, like, sobbing. So I will be laughing about it today. I believe I have been crying for about a week straight. So I, I'm, you know what? I think part of the reason today I decided we could record today. And thank you for letting me reschedule so much this week is that I'm currently back to the state of shock.

[B]

That's where you thrive.

[A]

So today I'm in shock. So I feel pretty good. I'm too dehydrated to cry anymore, so I'm in great shape to talk to strangers on YouTube. So I honestly, I actually woke up this morning more excited than ever to develop an intimate relationship with people. I don't know. Because if you die, I won't, I won't know. Like, honestly, no offense, I just mean, I, if I stop seeing comments from the same person, I'll be like, oh, no, I'll just assume you got over me or I fell off or something. So I, I do come with this sort of bad news today to also deliver some good news, which is I am really going to double down on YouTube because I don't have to worry about you guys dying. So, like, subscribe. I now get why so many people have moved on from human relationships. We keep talking about that. We keep being like, how come everybody is like in a simulation in a relationship with their anime avatar. I. I get it. See, I get. This is where I went wrong. I made a best friend in college, stayed friends with her like an idiot. Made her my chosen family, my emergency contact. Can't live without her. She's my son's godmother, and here I am. So having a best friend is the stupidest thing I've ever done. Dude. Japan. I'm not going to make fun of them anymore for marrying pillows. I think it's better. If I had just befriended a pillow, I wouldn't be in this jam. I made fun of Zuckerberg with his AI friends. Okay, I was wrong. Incels. I owe you an apology. You're right to not attach to anyone. Andrew Tate. Hats off. I get it now. Like, the healthiest relationship I have at this point is with you guys, whoever you are. I know. No, I'm kidding. I know who you are. It's. You're my best friends. You're all I have left. So. Are you witnessing a manic episode? Perhaps. But I am sharing this unspeakable tragedy with you because I believe this situation, like, horrifyingly punctuates something I've been suspecting for a while. There is no point in being healthy. There's no point in trying. Okay. I actually believe that the wellness business is killing us. I'm not sure. I'm not. I'm not trying to be dramatic. Like, I'm not. I'm just saying my best friend who I just lost was the healthiest person anyone has ever known. Like, anyone. And this happened to her. The wellness business. I'm. I'm. You just made an enemy that he really.

[B]

The only spokesperson for a wellness company should be the 110 year old that just finished a marathon.

[A]

Dude.

[B]

And if you don't have that person. What are you talking about?

[A]

Pat sinks the three. Always, always manages to say the thing I've been trying to say for 20 minutes in one perfect sentence. I'm just. I'm coming for you. It's. Can you just pull up Liam Neeson and taken. I have a very specific set of skills. Okay. And the wellness business. I'm on your tail. Cause I think you just contributed to taking my friend something else as well. We'll get to it. So the wellness business, I think is a scam. I mean, the person that I just lost, she was using glass jars when we were in college for water. She had like a water thing. And then she would. She would make her own almond butter. She Would go to farmer's markets in college. She had avocados. I'm eating like, runts. I'm eating starburst gum, and, like, I, like, swallowed gum all the time in college, and I'm still alive. She. My friend had ginger in her fridge, like, the full ratchet. Like. Like a legume. A starfish with, like, a. It looks. You know, it's like a crusty starfish with, like, a full head of hair. Like, just had a mullet. Like, I'd open her fridge and be like, is that a head? Like, what's in your. Is that the thing hanging from the tree? And true detective. Like, what? Her fridge drawers just look like the Blair Witch Project bundle. Meanwhile, I'm eating like. Like, aspartame soda, and here I am looking arguably better than ever. So what's going on? She would make smoothies and. And have wheatgrass and the whole thing. And I would show up to her apartment, like, covered in bath and body works, like Moonlit Path glitter body spray, just full of chemicals. And. And I'm here, and she's not. Like, she did everything right for the past 20 years. She. She was. She wasn't even on social media. She. She was even mentally healthy. Okay, I. I know. Why was she friends with me? It is a very good question. Okay.

[B]

You were the unhealthiest thing in her life.

[A]

Truly, if you were to look at her life, you'd be like, the only real thing here you should cut out is your best friend, Whitney. So this is where the podcast is going to kind of become a doozy. Okay. I do believe you. After this happens, that you're two people your whole life. You know, there's. Before your best friend dies and after your best friend dies. So allow me to introduce you to the new me. Okay. I just watched the healthiest person I know get a random. I don't want to say what she got, because I might get dinged on YouTube, but I think it would be funny to say it. She got. Pat's gonna bleep that. So you guys just have to guess, because I think it'd be really funny if people were like, did we need his friends with died.

[B]

Bleep that, too.

[A]

Oh, damn. Even that thing from the 80s, you could only get, like, from Matush. So this is something that. It's the C. It's the big C. You know what it is? A lot of people, A lot of young people are getting this right now, and people in their 20s are getting, you know, tumors and cysts and part of the Reason the last couple of years you guys have heard me talk about, is this thing healthy? Is this thing healthy? Is this a scam? Is this a scam? Because behind the scenes I was going through this with my friend and I'm sure you guys think that I'm just like paranoid and whatever, but when I'm like, what's up with the fluoride in the water? You know, I've been trying to make sense of what's happening to the healthiest person I. I know and why this would be happening. And you know, trust me, I'm the first person that's like, it's the cell phones in the tap water. And. But, but she didn't do any of that. Here's the other thing. You can't just say something you have a gut hunt hunch about, because I'm so worried people are going to think I'm some crazy per. You know, she did not have a history of this in her family. She did all the right things, health wise. She was all the things that you can go, well, it was probably. This just doesn't apply to her. She got the virus and she got the Maxine booster because she had to for something. And. And then very quickly after that, she had some turbo cancer. There's something to be said about how scared I am to say. I think this was it, that maybe that's what this podcast is about. Why can't I go? Yeah, I think it was because of this. She's 42. She's the healthiest person I know. She doesn't have any of this history and didn't do any of the things that would like cloud the variables. Right. Of what could have caused this. I've had to narrow down what it could be and what it could be and what it could be. And this is going to get me in trouble. And I don't care. The schmancer that I am seeing in people, we're all kind of seeing it, but it's like we're all deciding. It's like just an anomaly. Like doctors have no idea what it is. It's endocrine, I guess it involves turning a gene on and off. So if that is causing all these weird schmancers in young people, which I just saw, take a super healthy person, they're gonna get away with it forever because no one knows how to explain it. Like when you, when you lob off a boob, I know what that is. Lobbed off the boob. Got it. That I could. This is like, no, I can't even explain it. I don't know if you're a villain. Take notes here. If you want to be a villain or win in, like, a psychopathic way, allow me to assist. You don't need to hurt people. You don't need to yell at people. That's not what smart villains do. Smart villains confuse people. If you're confused, that. That's it. If. If you're confused, that's when you need to figure out if the call is coming from inside the house. So I was happy to go, oh, my friend is going through this. It's probably the phones. It's probably the ba. It's probably this other thing, but everyone's so confused. It's like, oh, true villains know how to make people be so confused that there's no way to solve any problem or trust your own instincts or even trust anybody that does kind of have the truth. Mean, I can handle. Nasty I can handle. I mean, like, check my phone. It's. It's like all day, every day. Confusing is what gets you. Now. All the great villains do this. Trump Tate Musk heard, and they know how to make you lose your train of thought and doubt your own reality and exhaust you with confusion. So going through all this with my friend, the default is very much like, well, I'm too dumb for this. This is too confusing for me. But you guys must have it figured out, right? No. No. No one does. No one knows. And we're spending a lot of time being worried about AI and maybe this is all by design. I don't know. But this might not confuse AI Am I making a case for AI as doctors? I might be, because I was like, humans can't do this. Like, people in their 20s are having weird tumors and schmancers, and they just called it turbo cancer all you can. Everyone stop. Can doctors not watch Star wars and Transformers, please? We don't just got turbo cancer. Don't make it sound cool and, like, fat. It's fast, but it's like turbo. It's like turbo cancer sick. Like, why isn't this front page news, like, every day? Because when this started happening and I opened up to some people about what my friend was going through, truly, everyone I talked to knew someone who had some weird tumor or some fertility issue or some immune system reaction. Out of nowhere, people that want to say, like, oh, but it could have been stress. And it's like, my friend was not stressed out. I watched a control group of a person. I was truly the most stressful part of her life. And she had very good boundaries with me. So she was not stressed out, okay? She wasn't chasing Labubus around the Internet. She didn't have some rich podcaster telling her to get in cold water every day, even though a lot of people that listen to it don't have hot water. They only have cold water. They're like, yeah, we take ice baths every day. That's called our shower. We don't. Oh, get in the sauna. Okay, you mean our summers because we don't have ac, right? She have to stress out over dealing with the insane irony from every podcast that's supposed to calm you down, okay? She didn't have to listen to a bunch of health podcasters talk about getting in the sauna and the thing and yell, just send some athletic greens to Gaza. My friend was not a stressed out person. She didn't watch Love Island. She didn't invest heavily in the Marc Maron Austin comedy scene beef. She didn't watch squid games. She was like this person who. She was so emotionally healthy. She's the truly the only person I have any touch point to reality. I'd be like, hey, do you want to watch squid game? She'd be like, what's that? I'd be like, oh, it's. It's a show where people compete in deadly children's games for cash prizes. She'd be like, no, thanks. She didn't do that. She'd be like, I'm gonna do a crossword puzzle and I'm feeding my starter for my sourdough. She was like a cartoon of a perfect human being. She didn't allow stress in her life. Like, I'd call her. I'd be like, did you see the helicopter crash in the Hudson this morning? She's like, no. I'd be like, what? Let me send it to you. I have the remix where Kygo did a club song using the victim screams. Whenever I hear about these weird schmancer is happening, I'll go like, oh, well, maybe they smoked, you know, maybe they slept with their phone inside them, you know, or whatever. Or like, oh, who signs? What kind of weirdo signs up for a study? You know, you can't trust someone who signs up for a study, you know, but this person I knew, and she lived the way doctors would tell you to live, to not get this thing right. And, you know, you can't say, maybe it's AirPods, maybe it's the light from gel nail polish. We want to think it's anything but this, that the people that want Us gone made a thing to make us be gone. Guys, hey, guys. I know, I know the guys just love. I mean, look here. This ad starts with guys, let's be honest. All right? Guys, don't. Guys, hey, guys. There's this thing called honesty. Guys, let's be honest because I know you're not always. Can we time out in the normal behavior if you're having trouble direction. Maybe you might not need glue to. You might need to stop listening to this show.

[B]

But having trouble finishing this episode.

[A]

If you're not laughing to completion. Blue Chew, everybody. Bluechew is the original brand offering chewable tablets that help men achieve stronger, harder, and longer lasting. You know what for you know what? It's not just about getting. You know what, it's about staying. You know what? Here's how it works. You sign into bluetooth.com consult with a licensed medical provider online, and once you're approved, your prescription ships straight to your door. No doctor's office visits, no awkward conversations, and no waiting in line at the pharmacy. Even though that's what gets me. You know what? Here's how it works. You sign up for bluetooth.com consult with a licensed medical provider online. Once you're approved, your prescription shift straight to your door. No doctor's visits, no awkward conversations, and no waiting in line at the pharmacy. Everything's handled online. Bluetooth tablets are made in the usa, delivered discreetly speaking. Special deal for you. Promo code Whitney at checkout. Pay 5 bucks for shipping. Head over to bluetooth.com for details and safety information. Huge thanks to bluetooth.com for sponsoring this episode. Love you. Mean it. Today's episode is brought to you by Square. Smart, streamlined tools that make running your business simple. I've always loved how seamless, like Square makes everyday transactions. That sounded like I was reading an ad, because I was. So I'm not gonna. I'm just gonna tell you my actual deal with Square, which is when I sell merch, I use square. And it's the only reason I'm not in a mental hospital. Need I say more like it just does there. It does everything. Okay. It. It. It also. It's everywhere now. It's like at coffee shops, at, like, stores. You can just, like, do it. You don't have to.

[B]

Like, ramps on the highway.

[A]

All framps. You don't have to get in, like, some dog fight with someone at your coffee shop.

[B]

The fruit guy.

[A]

Yeah, on the corner. True, actually. True, actually.

[B]

You know, ice cream trucks.

[A]

You don't have to go, like, borrow a bitcoin from a phone booth in order to get your fruit on the side of the road, you know, where's that phone booth?

[B]

I need to get a half a bitcoin.

[A]

I need. Where's my Ethereum coin? I need a red box stack. You just tap, you pay and you go. It works every single time. Whether you're running a cafe, a salon, a boutique food truck, Square has a setup that fits your business. It's made to be intuitive so you don't have to be a tech expert to figure it out. You can use it right from day one. Also, you can add tools like loyalty programs, payroll, advanced reporting. Whenever you're ready, everything is in one place. Payment, sales, tracking, inventory, invoices, staff management, you name it. It's like have your own personal assistant that never clocks out. So why wait? Right now, our listeners can get up to 200 off Square hardware. When you sign up at square.com, go/whitney. That's Square S Q U-A-R-E.com go/whitney. And now here's the deal. Let me just like this is the Square didn't ask me to say any of this. It just said you need to start a business now and you need to use Square because all the jobs are about to go away. So I would just sign up for this immediately and figure out a business.

[B]

Just, it doesn't just learn how to take payments.

[A]

You need to figure out a way to take payments on Square for truly whatever you can think of. Run your business smarter with Square. Get started today. So it made me think of that thing nobody wants to think about because we had to think about it for so long, so much and we're all sick of it. But it was that thing we all had to stay in our houses for. Okay. And we're so wrapped up right now in the Maxi and we're called the Maxine, okay. Because that's Pat's daughter's name. And we're not going to get kicked out of the algorithm. We call it the Maxine. We're so focused on that and injuries from that that I think we forgot about the actual virus. Okay. We forgot, like we, we don't really know what that thing did. Right. So also, if you got the vaccine that also had it in it, right? Yeah, it might have had a bunch of other stuff. We're still focused on the mercury or the, was there a chip in it or whatever that we keep forgetting about? Just that straight up virus. Right. Like, remember, we all kind of just decided it was the flu because we were so sick of being in our homes. Guilty as charged. By the third time I had it, I was like, that wasn't so bad. Let's go back to work. Like, I can't do this anymore. I was so sick of having blue hair and all these vampires pretending to be my friends living in my house during the pandemic that I was like, it's the flu. Let's just, we got to move on, you know? I was like, I just, I can't. I cannot do this anymore. People will not stop coming over to my house and shooting content with me. Like, I cannot. We need to get back to work. I think I started a cult by accident. Okay? It was the flu. We can't stay inside for another year. I'm going to enroll in the Jordan Peterson Graduate School for Masters. A master's program and why only men should work. Because I forgot how to do my job. Because I've been in my house for so long. I've been Ms. Havisham for the past two years, locked in a house with a mask on so that Gavin Newsom could go to the beach and figure out the best place to plant fireworks in peace. Now, the point is, I realized that most people are so busy being suspicious of the Maxine and what's being made money off of this awful thing that people, people are so focused on those injuries. I think we all kind of forgot about straight up, the actual virus. The problem is anyone who talks about this, it's like, you know, because there was like, like, you know, long, like people, like, it's this like, long thing. Those people, I don't know, they, and I'm not saying this is what happened to her. I just think that we are totally forgetting that we don't know the long term effects of this thing at all. And listen to me, okay? Because there were people that were like, still have it and there's lingering effects. And those people were kind of like, ah, no, no, there's not like those people. To us, they just seem like they were the people that didn't want the sleepover to end. I have this thing that's never going to go away. It was like, it seemed like the people that were talking about that or acted like they still had symptoms forever, they were the kind of people that just like, want to be sick for a living. We all know those people, the same people who like, can't figure out if they should be ADD or ADHD or OCD because they aren't sure which one is going to get them the most Attention, you know? But true ADD and OCD people would never post about any of that because they could never get the caption finished. And even if they could, they never post it because it wouldn't be perfect. Check my feed this week. Not a post in sight. So we're all in acceptance that this was man made, right? That's not a crazy thing to say, is it? I think the common acceptance is this was made as basically a bioweapon. Fine. Not saying targeted towards us or anything.

[B]

People have been researching bioweapons for decades.

[A]

Yeah, because you got to research it to then have the cure for it. Makes perfect sense. How could they have that cure ready if they didn't make it in the first place? So I'm just saying this doesn't have to feel like serious and heavy. If I was going to make a virus in a lab, what's the point of it just being the flu? I don't want us to go back into our houses. I'm not trying to cause any kind of frenzy mentally. We can never go back into our houses. That's. That's over. I'm not advocating for that. Whatever. This is as bad as it is. I'm not saying to change our behavior at all. I'm saying we can't go in our homes anymore. Every time anyone goes into their home at this point, they just go online and buy invisible money or marry someone who doesn't exist. Or watch a mentally insane person talking about being in love with her therapist. Have you seen, there's this. There's this girl that fell in love with her therapist and it was just like huge thing on Tick Tock. She was like this like 10 part series. She's like, I'm in love with my therapist and he was in love with me. This is basically the female version of I'm in love with a stripper. I do want to just bring this up. The girl that fell in love with her therapist and is now on TikTok. Because it is good to know that someone is having a worse week than me. And she became obsessed with her therapist. And I feel like everyone's missing the point. All right, allow me to just cut to the chase and give you the best advice truly ever uttered. Women. If a man who is an authority figure or your boss, a therapist, a married man, whoever, if he has feelings for you, he is scum. I feel like we need. That word is just. I think that's, that's the best way. Like scum. Is there a better word than scum? We Say, like, psychopath. We keep giving too much credit to people with all these, like, diagnoses and stuff. It's just scum. So if you're in love with him, you need to change your taste in men also. Men. Men therapists don't want to date their clients. These are men. They need to get paid to listen to a woman talk. Male therapists, they went on one date and heard a woman talk and went, I'm not doing that for free ever again. And men don't want to date women who need to pay someone to listen to them talk. That tells them everything they need to know. There's no way that therapist wanted to date you because the fact that you had to pay a therapist to listen to you talk lets him know, like, wait, this woman has no friends to vent to. This woman has. Has to pay a person to listen to her blather on. It's like, if you were going to date a guy and he had only dated call girls before you, you'd be like, wait, what's going on with you that you have to pay women to hang out with you? I don't know about women having male therapists and vice versa. I feel like male therapists should know, like, shouldn't go. Like, I don't have feelings for you. They should be like, you should see someone else. Like, this guy should also be in jail. You know what I'm saying? She. Yeah, she's nuts. What's your excuse? Like, I think he gets off on this in some, like, weird way or whatever, right? But. Okay, so. Enough, enough, enough. She's alive. Who cares? My. My point is, with this virus that we all had, we forgot to just ask why they would do it. And what would be the point of making it benign? Like, what would be the point of making a virus in a lab if it didn't cause more harm long term? What is the point of getting people sick for, like, two weeks? That's, like, what it made us need to buy masks that were made over there. Fine. Okay, wearing the masks, if it stopped the spread, fine, sure. But also, inhaling the microplastics, that's bad for us. Okay, fine, That's. That's like a good result, right? Good hustle. What? It also kept us in our home for two years. For the most part, it forced us to live on the Internet, fight with each other. Instead of going to war with us, just make us go to war with ourselves. Genius. Good. I mean, I'll fund this. I'll fund this thing. I like your pitch. What Else, it made us addicted to a bunch of their apps that make us, you know, dance, dance and collect mini ratchet Chucky dolls that we put in our school backpacks, even though no kid use backpacks because they didn't go to school for a couple of years, which is why no child can even make eye contact anymore. Love it. Yes. I'm liking this virus so far, Mr.

[B]

It was a boot camp for the future.

[A]

Yeah. So. Yeah. So so far I like it. But like, what else? What else? I mean, I see. Okay. I do maybe do it. How about three rounds of it though? He's like, okay. Yeah. Okay. Like, is this enough to justify making this thing that we could all get too? We could all get it. So is this maybe. Well, you know, it also makes everyone really scared. And then they buy a bunch of stuff online that we sell. You know, it's gonna make people stay in their homes and maybe like have kids. And we make a lot of kids toys, like all of them. Maybe it's going to make them become like sentient technology addicts who live in a state of existential nihilism and only buy things with ephemeral value and then take selfies with a filter that make them look like cats. I mean, that's just funny. That's just a bonus for us. I think being a parent, you gotta understand this line of thinking isn't particularly toxic. It's kind of just true. Once you have seen the type of toys that are made for children, because it's exclusively where you get toys. And as a parent, I, you know, I look at all of it. The toys that are made over there for kids. Yeah. They're cheap, they're dangerous, covered in chemicals. Fine, fine. I'll let that slide. They also break way too easily. All the parts. Of course, once they break, you have to get from there again. Right. And every part is like exactly toddler throat sized. Okay. Yes. All the animals on the toys look nothing like the real animals in real life. It actively teaches them the wrong thing about. Truly, the words are like spelled wrong. It'll be like you and me. Why you? And you're like that. It's fine if you. You don't even spell it like that over there. What do you. None of the words are spelled how they're spelled. So most of our education system is just un. Teaching kids to unlearn what they learned from their toys that were made over there. Fine. The toys also are fully trying to suck their brains out of their heads. Like, these toys are just drugs. It's like, you just press a button and something lights up and it's like, la, la, la, la. That's it. There's no numbers. There's no ABCs. It's just one nonsense button. It's like Simon, but no. Like, remember the lights and press them again. It doesn't. Nothing emulates a calculator. It's just getting them addicted to lights. That's truly all it is. And it runs out of batteries after 20 minutes because batteries are made where. Again, the point is, you cannot know all this and then decide that that thing we all got, Delta Beta. Weren't there a bunch of strains of it is not something that's going to affect us forever. I. Why don't we ever entertain the idea that it was made to affect us, like, forever, not just older people. I know that it. It got rid of some older people. I don't know. The statistics are wonky. I'm not going to chime in. It's just. It's weird. It's weird. The old people thing is actually odd because one time I went to Hong Kong and I was talking to this guy. He was sitting next to me, and he did focus groups for, like, digital art tools or something. And he had to go. And he said when he went over and did them, I'm like, oh, what was he. What was it like? He's like, actually going. And doing this in Asia is really not that useful because everyone just defaults to the oldest person in the room because they have such reverence for anyone older than them. They won't disagree with them. So he's like, it's really hard to ascertain what they think. And I was like, oh, that's so interesting. And because I'm like a. A white woman who rescues dogs, I was like, yeah, it's so interesting. Like the dog thing over there, like the. The. Just the belief that, you know, the consuming dogs. Not everyone, obviously, but just, you know. And he was like, yeah, they would say the same thing about America and your elders. The fact that you just, like, put them in nursing homes. And I was like, whoa. So there's like a respect for elders, which is really venerable. But not American elders. No, those go first. I also have to remind you, in 2024, United States, 14 gold medals, China, one silver. United States, 11, China, one bronze. United States, nine, China, two. Two bronze. Okay. United States, 34 medals, China bow. So you. Why would they make a virus in a lab that just makes us sleepy for a couple weeks and that's it? And we all conveniently. Like, to joke about the fact that we couldn't taste or smell. Like, that was just funny. No one was like, oh, that's weird. We were like, I can't taste or smell. And then moved on as if. That's not neurological damage. That's. Neurological damage. Isn't. Your taste isn't in your nose and your. It's in your brain. Okay, but maybe part of the whole virus is that you have amnesia because you just want to move on with your life so badly after being, like, stuck in your house. I don't. Do you remember anything from the pandemic? I don't know. One thing is weird. I looked at my phone, I looked through, like, the memories, and I'm like, why is there a photo of me and Bruce Willis in a cab? When did this happen? There's literally fully photos of me sitting on the ground surrounded by wolves. I'm like, what, 2022 and 2023? My photo thing. I'm like, I have no recollection of. True. There's a photo of me with, like, stitches in my nose. I'm like, what did I. Did I get a new head? What? Zero recollection. Okay. Yes. Did gardening become legal in California around that time? Did I engage a little too much? Because not being able to do stand up makes me, like, actually go insane. Fine. But it. I wasn't doing that the whole time. I don't. Does anyone remember anything? Be serious. Be serious. I truly only remember staring into a ring light for, like, eight months straight. Okay? And we're all wanting to move on so bad that we're not, like, hold on. Was there more to this? Like, I. I don't think we've actually processed this from the perspective of just the virus. Forget the vaccine. I. I have tried so hard to not think about the pandemic one second longer than I had to that I forgot to even, like, ask questions about it, so. So our enemy made a virus on purpose that killed tons of people, broke our economy, broke our brains, let's be honest. Then culminated in all of us posting on social media to stop Asian hate. You can't underestimate this level of genius. The fact that we've all just decided, okay, it was this thing. You lost your taste and your smell. You think they just made a virus that turned us into Helen Keller once a year? Why? For what? So we could post about it on TikTok and they could steal our faces and voices to make robots out of. Yes, maybe. Maybe to then what? Sell their new tongue scraper from the TikTok shop. That brings the taste buds back. I don't know. I. I haven't seen that product yet, but that makes sense. But. But doesn't. Doesn't feel like this particular country would stop trying to become prom queen of the world so easily. Like. And why do I even care? Why do I even care? Let's. I shouldn't care because, let's be honest. I will live forever. I'm a cockroach. I'm embalmed. My veins are crystallized with adrenaline and whatever toxoplasmosis droplets live in the microphones at the Comedy Store. Whatever. Whatever was in that virus was like water off a duck's back when it got into my blood. Because I grew up drinking water poisoned by Dupont. I drank paint. I am truly made of tin. WiFi goes. Wi Fi goes off around me. It stops working around me. The. The. The IT guy that comes over, he's like, the WI fi is down. He's like, can you go in the other room? I think you're radioactive. I literally. I don't. I don't. I don't know. But no one's connecting at all because you just can't. You. Everyone's got a. It's chemicals. It's processed foods. My grandfather worked in a coal mine and ate out of a can for 50 years and he lived till 80. But. Okay, okay. Why would you make a virus unless it did long term damage to your target? If Lyme is a bioweapon. We talked about this. Because the Justin Timberlake thing, great. You want to make rich people in the New York area. Very tired. Genius. I can see why that would benefit a lot of other countries. You don't want them to. To die because then you can't get their secrets or you can't get their, you know, whatever. Nailed it. Okay? Allegedly. If that's true, all I'm asking is can we take a week off of the pyramids, Maybe the aliens and JFK so we can maybe track down the people that made this thing? Can we just get a little. I feel like it's already out there. I feel in terms of the viruses out there, we can now go. Can we? What did you do? Listen, we know the guy who made the labradoodle. He. The guy that invented the labradoodle. He. He. We know his name. He wrote a piece for the New York Times saying, hey, this is a. Was a mistake. I inbred this dog. It's a disaster. It's an awful goblin. There's no such thing as a hypoallergenic dog. It comes from their saliva. This is a scam. I'm sorry. Okay. People who do awful things, they do try and get out from under it sometimes. Okay? Frank Abagnale, the guy. Catch me if you can. Guy, the con artist. He does TED talks and he says how he did it, why he did it. Chris Hughes, the. He's the co founder of Facebook, regularly speaks about how bad Facebook was, how it was designed to be like a slot machine and get you addicted. You know, you. You. You don't necessarily do it because you want to. You do it to get out of jail time or have a shot at seeing your kids again. Everyone's got a price, okay? And we need to figure out how to get them to just tell. Tell us what you did. We're not. We're. You know what? We won't be mad. How about this? I promise not to be mad if you just told me where. You tell me where you were last night. Were you with your ex girlfriend? You're telling me there's no one who can get the emails or the records or figure out what the goal was? Like, what happened to the girl that escaped North Korea and ate all the rats and went on Rogan? Can we send her in? Dennis Rodman. I don't have the solution. But I would like to offer you today an even bigger problem. And all I'm saying is we spend a lot of time going, oh, it must be this. Maybe she wasn't healthy. If this happened to my friend. Everything healthy is fake. Everything we thought was true isn't. All right, studies, vitamins, deep breaths. I'm coming for deep breaths. She did all the things that you're supposed to do, all the things we're told to do. I witnessed her doing since she's 18 years old. If this happened to her, the organic sticker means nothing. Since this diagnosis has happened, when I tell you I only at this point drink sugar, soda and chocolate, Dubai chocolate. And I've never felt better. I've never looked better. Healthy as a horse. So if you want to do the wellness thing as like, because you need a religion or a cult or like need a belief system, I get that. Godspeed. But just know there are cheaper ones. The wellness community, it's. I'm exaggerating, of course, but it's starting to be fishy to me. It's advertising itself too hard. Like, you know how there's like a health food store? Why isn't it just called a food store? And the Other ones should just be called the poison store. Saying something's a healthy food is like, wait, that's like me saying, I'm an honest person. That's like, hi, I'm a funny comedian. It's a. Why did you. I'm a healthy probiotic. Like, what? I'm an organic apple. We label things what they are instead of labeling them when they've been altered. Shouldn't an organic apple just say apple? And then the non organic one should just say covered in Mesobimanza May number seven. It's like candy apples, only it's covered in bug spray. That will make your offspring blink a lot. We need to change the way we look at something based on the way that it's labeled. We should look at it as a. Why is that on the label? Shouldn't this be inherent? Are we going to look back in like 20 years and be like, remember when people were dying because of the chemicals in the plastic holding the powder of the vitamin? Remember when omega oils that we were all taking were chock full of mercury so everyone thought they were making their brain healthier and they were actually just erasing all their memories? Like, remember when protein powder was legal before we realized it was making men take selfies in the mirror at the gym? Like the. There's cigarettes used to be prescribed to pregnant women. We've thought crazy things were healthy before. So it might be crazy to think that things marketed as healthy is actually healthy if you're. If you have to say it's healthy. I'm already suspicious when there's chemicals on vegetables, when the thing that's supposed to be healthy is covered in poison. I just. All I'm saying is get your affairs in order. Write up your will. I am currently living through something that debunks truly everything we're being told. We're going, vegetables are healthy. Let's do all these healthy things with the healthy wellness stuff and the healthy vitamins. And then we're looking at the virus that was made by the enemy going, it was the flu. There's the flu. It came and went. It's over. I don't want to rehash the pan. No one wants to talk about it anymore. It's just too boring. And I think we might all just go, you know what? We're going to have to lose a lot of our friends that are in their twenties that are young and healthy to this thing because we're just too bored to talk about. We can't rehash the pandemic. It's just like, it's too much of a bummer, you know? And for. And by the way, this friend, she's. She's not famous. I don't want to reveal too much about her. She's my best friend from college, and, you know, she rescued me from a very toxic girl group in college. Like, took me under her wing. She was the only sane person I've had in my life at all. She taught me how money works. She taught, like. She's just like my big sister, you know, Very maternal energy. She's continued to be this angel in my life, keeping me grounded. She's truly stopped me from making some of the worst decisions of my life. If it wasn't for her, I would have dated so many NBA players. I would have dated so many actors. I'd have so many Tori Amos lyrics tattooed on my rib cage. So I will leave you with this. Now that she is gone, I will be descending into utter madness. I no longer have a rock or Drew north or a voice of reason.

[B]

The stormy seas behind you.

[A]

Yes. Yes. The Samsung TV behind me is representative of what the rest of my days will look and feel like. I no longer feel confident that anything that we've been told is. Is true, even more so than. Than before. So I plan on things getting very out of control. I will be rescuing more horses, more dogs. Hell, I might get a pager. I might start using microwaves again. Nah. Might go get myself some color contacts. Like, these are the type of decisions she would prevent me from making. I now will start a couple collections. Um, you know, this is when people start collecting dolls when they don't feel like they have control and they think someone's gonna, like, abandon them, which they do. So I'm thinking dolls. I. I need to do something that fills the void of her because she's not replaceable. I'm the first to say that. Like, you know, I'm heartbroken, but, like, I'll be okay. Like, I'll. I won't be okay. I lost two parents. I was okay. Now I'm like, I can't replace her. So the next logical thing is to probably start farming sea monkeys. Remember when Tippi Hedren, Melanie Griffith's mom, Dakota Johnson's grandma, lived with, like, 20 lions? How many people got hurt? Like, 17. That's not bad. That's actually pretty good. And adversity is good for people. They got a cool story out of it. What's cooler than being like, I got the scar from a lion who attacked me at Melanie Griffith's house. You're welcome for all the chicks. I need to do something extreme, and I just want everyone to be prepared for that. Cutting bangs isn't gonna do the trick here. Cutting off communication with society, that could be the trick. I could maybe be, like, a lighthouse person. I'm telling you, I just. I need a new reality altogether. And I know that I have been. You know, we make fun of those. I've been making fun of those people a lot. Like, the people that live think they're in a simulation and that, you know, wear a helmet and go to another place with their VR helmet and, you know, go to the Anime Con and dress up like a big yellow chickadee. You know, alien guy.

[B]

The chickadee convention.

[A]

The chickadee. I just mean, like, I'm in. You guys, I'm sorry that I made fun of you. If you have an alternative reality. I was wrong. I'm. I'm wrong. I've been living in reality and investing in things that can be taken from you unfairly fast. And it was my mistake. And I would like to join your simulation cosplay world.

[B]

I'm psyched.

[A]

Like, I'm in. What do we do? What do we do? I have to immediately break up with my boyfriend first. Right? I can't have a. Have to be single.

[B]

You don't want to bring sand to the beach.

[A]

What else do I. Star Wars. Where do I start? Just tell me where I start, because now I'm a con guy. What is it? I'm ready to be a fake reality person. Dolls. Swords.

[B]

An E Girl.

[A]

Beams. What's that?

[B]

You're chronically online. Simulation. E Girl.

[A]

How many ponytails? What are we doing? Ponytails.

[B]

Big headphones.

[A]

Twitch.

[B]

Fingerless gloves.

[A]

Let's go. Now we're talking.

[B]

Pigtails, White accessories.

[A]

Emojis. Dolls. Cats.

[B]

Yeah, this. I've seen this before.

[A]

What? Knuckle sandwich.

[B]

I think it's. I think they're pretending to be a kitty cat.

[A]

Great.

[B]

There you go. Hold on. Is that our thumbnail?

[A]

Are you looking?

[B]

Well, now that's a gif. Turn that into a gif.

[A]

I'm done with reality. This podcast will be different now. You will no longer hear me make fun of the people who check out of reality and have created their own world. They're right.

[B]

Can I book some of them as Zoom guests and they can teach you?

[A]

Begging you. I will. I live in Zoom now. That is.

[B]

I can just make people pop up.

[A]

Right here for you. Great.

[B]

While we're shooting.

[A]

Don't ask me. I don't exist. Ask Ask Leonora. Not even real. Ask Athena159 get ask ask for some.

[B]

Suggestions for your new screen name.

[A]

I'm done. It's over. Reality's over for me. Checking out. I was wrong. It was elitist of me to keep trying to push reality on people and that was my mistake. Mistake. And I do have to go because I need to spend the next couple days decoding the color of Taylor Swift's outfits to do a puzzle to escape reality.

[B]

The deep end is calling because it's.

[A]

The only the deep. Cuz truly, Taylor Swift's album release date is the only thing that adds up anymore. Don't ride elephants.

[C]

You say you'll never join the Navy. Never climb Mount Fuji on a port visit. Joining the Navy sounds crazy. Saying never actually is. Learn [e-mail] America's Navy forged by the sea. You say you'll never join the Navy, that you'd never track storms brewing in the Atlantic, and skydiving could never be part of your commute. You'd never climb Mount Fuji on a port visit, or fly so fast you.

[A]

Break the sound barrier.

[C]

Joining the Navy sounds crazy. Saying never actually is. Start your journey at navy.com, america's Navy, forged by the sea.