WICKED TAKES - | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 266

Summary

Podcast Summary: Good For You – Episode 266: "Wicked Takes"

Hosts: Whitney Cummings & Grace Van Dien
Release Date: December 7, 2024
Episode Title: "Wicked Takes"

In this lively episode of "Good For You", comedian Whitney Cummings and her guest Grace Van Dien delve into a myriad of topics ranging from the evolving landscape of media and entertainment to personal anecdotes about dog parks and acting misadventures. Their conversational banter, punctuated with sharp humor and candid insights, offers listeners an engaging and relatable experience.

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1. Podcast Recording Woes

The episode kicks off with Whitney expressing frustration over a technical mishap during the previous week's recording. She narrates how an entire episode was recorded without Grace’s participation, leading to its cancellation.

• Whitney (00:00): "I physically could not do this. I don't have any help with my child."

Grace empathizes, highlighting the relentless nature of maintaining a weekly podcast schedule, especially with personal responsibilities like parenting.

• Grace (01:01): "You have to... it's like Groundhog Day. It's like, oh my God, we just did one."

2. TikTok Trends and Product Absurdities

Shifting gears, Whitney and Grace vent their frustrations over the bizarre array of products proliferating on TikTok. They mockingly critique items like "Magic Spoon" cereals and unconventional deodorants, emphasizing the platform's shift from innovative pitches to questionable commercial offerings.

• Whitney (02:02): "The floss made out of urine... the tooth whitener made out of women's period blood from asbestos."

• Grace (03:55): "It's not being pushed. It's like we're going to show people these two specific things."

The duo laments TikTok's algorithm, suggesting it suppresses diverse content in favor of repetitive, often nonsensical trends.

• Whitney (05:00): "If you aren't abused by Zach Bryan, you are not getting in the algorithm."

3. The Decline of Traditional TV and the Rise of Sports

Whitney contrasts the deteriorating quality of traditional television with the increasing popularity of sports like the WNBA and football. She criticizes TV for focusing on polarizing topics, whereas sports provide a semblance of fairness and entertainment.

• Whitney (09:55): "TV is so bad. People started watching the WNBA. Men would rather watch women play basketball than watch shows where you're trying to convince someone how to vote."

Grace adds that sports are less divisive, fostering a more unified viewing experience.

4. NFL Commercials and Athlete Endorsements

A significant portion of the discussion centers on Whitney's disdain for NFL players' appearances in commercials. She finds their acting skills lacking and the advertisements cringe-worthy, often feeling that these athletes are out of place in advertising narratives.

• Whitney (11:02): "It's asking a lot... they're so tall that it's clear that the set designers didn't even put things high."

• Grace (13:27): "They are giving out faxes... I don't even work at TikTok, but they're doing this."

5. Movie Reviews: "Wicked" and Audition Anecdotes

Transitioning to entertainment, Whitney and Grace dissect the latest movie adaptation of the musical "Wicked." While Grace shows enthusiasm despite minor critiques, Whitney remains skeptical about its impact and content.

• Grace (16:18): "I was waiting for this movie to happen since I was a child."

Whitney shares a humorous yet uncomfortable story about her audition experience with legendary director Francis Ford Coppola, highlighting the disjointed and confusing nature of the session.

• Whitney (21:00): "I was just like, this isn't cool. Do you know what I mean?"

6. Holiday Gift Gimmicks and Advertisements

Amidst their chatter, Whitney critiques holiday gift advertisements, particularly those pushing gimmicky products. She mockingly endorses digital photo frames as the "only" acceptable gift, juxtaposing them against the often impractical presents people receive.

• Whitney (27:02): "Most presents suck. I said it."

• Grace (29:37): "This woman has kept two dogs separate in her house. They both live here for years, so I think she knows what she was talking about."

7. Dog Parks and Canine Conduct

A substantial segment of the episode delves into Whitney and Grace's experiences at dog parks. They humorously discuss the challenges of managing different dog breeds, the responsibility of dog ownership, and the chaos that ensues when dogs are not properly trained or leashed.

• Whitney (32:00): "Why does everyone think their dog's a golden retriever?"

• Grace (35:23): "My dog is a mountain dog mix... she's a lazy, lazy bitch."

Whitney emphasizes the importance of understanding dog breeds and ensuring they are appropriately trained to prevent altercations at public parks.

• Whitney (34:16): "If you're dumb, don't get a smart dog."

Their dialogue underscores the complexities of dog behaviors and ownership, all delivered with characteristic wit and exaggeration.

8. Stand-Up Insights and Professional Juggling

Throughout the episode, Whitney interjects jokes and observations about the professional lives of comedians and public figures, including the absurdities of job titles and the struggles of maintaining authenticity in a commercial-driven landscape.

• Whitney (51:22): "I only need to see something once and I got it."

• Grace (57:33): "Every job is made up so wild."

Notable Quotes

• Whitney (00:57): "My brain broke and had to give thanks."

• Grace (03:27): "It's targeted to you."

• Whitney (11:56): "I feel like we're all in this like myopic, like snow globes where we have no idea what validation we're just don't even know what we're getting."

• Grace (16:25): "I blew out my vocal cords trying to sing Wicked."

• Whitney (35:36): "How do you get handled that? It's like, yeah, I can put it off my shoulder."

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Conclusion

Episode 266 of "Good For You" is a rollercoaster of humor, criticism, and personal stories. Whitney Cummings and Grace Van Dien expertly navigate through topics that resonate with a wide audience, from the pitfalls of modern media platforms like TikTok to the timeless chaos of dog parks. Their chemistry and candid exchanges make for an entertaining listen, filled with laughs and relatable frustrations. Whether you're a long-time listener or new to the podcast, this episode offers a snapshot of contemporary pop culture through the comedic lens of two seasoned entertainers.

Transcript

[Whitney Cummings]

Bap, bap, bap. Are we rolling? Is this. I mean, I don't know. Pat, are we rolling? Last time we tried to record for last week's, it wasn't rolling, and I recorded a whole episode, and Pat wasn't rolling on it, so we couldn't.

[Grace]

Yeah, that's why it didn't come out. And that's the tension I sense.

[Whitney Cummings]

I mean, I put together a whole episode, and the film wasn't in the camera.

[Grace]

I'll see the heat. You want me to take the heat for that? What did you say that Pat was like, we can't let this one hear. We can't let them hear this one.

[Whitney Cummings]

So Shirley Temple, you know, she was hot. And I'm actually. I would like to hear the producer's side of the story. And I've met a couple, and I'm on their side, and, you know, it's a different time. And honestly, she was kind of asking for it. She was very mature for her age. Those diapers were very hyped up. She was asking for it. I know. I. This is the first time I've ever not let a pod let a podcast go out. Done a podcast for a week or. Like, I just.

[Grace]

I was shocked when I saw you post that.

[Whitney Cummings]

What? What happened?

[Grace]

What happened?

[Whitney Cummings]

What were you just like, how?

[Grace]

Well, I was. I was just like. I thought that the rules dictated that, like, somebody would just come to your house and force you to sit down and talk.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's the other thing. You realize, you guys, podcasts are every week.

[Grace]

No, they. They sell ads out a year out.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's a relentless.

[Grace]

You literally have to.

[Whitney Cummings]

You cannot take a week off. And by the time it comes out and you're all set, it's like, we got to record tomorrow, so. And you're just like, it's like Groundhog Day. It's like, oh, my God, we just did one. I can't. What else am I saying? And this was the first week I was like, I physically could not do this. I don't have any help with my child. I have a baby in my hand. And babies aren't allowed on YouTube.

[Grace]

Right.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't know. Because they trafficking. I don't know. And I was like, what would happen if I just were like, let's do it next week? I see, like, Theo will be like, no pod this week. And I'm like, oh, my favorite thing is all of the products that we were shilling during the pandemic that are now just gone.

[Grace]

No, now they're selling on TikTok. They have shifted. They have put all of their money. This is what my job now.

[Whitney Cummings]

Where's Magic Spoon?

[Grace]

TikTok.

[Whitney Cummings]

Magic Spoons on TikTok.

[Grace]

Do you remember Beam Beam Dream?

[Whitney Cummings]

The deodorant. Oh, wait, wait, hold on, wait. The charcoal deodorant. No, wait.

[Grace]

No.

[Whitney Cummings]

The floss made out of urine. Like, it just. All these products were so weird. Hold on. The tooth whitener made out of women's period blood from asbestos. Yeah. 10% of the proceeds go to a fake charity. What was it?

[Grace]

So you had a product that advertised on your podcast called Beam Beam? It was like a pillow. No.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, it was like a drink that helps you fall asleep. I snorted it. It didn't work.

[Grace]

Yeah, no, it was like a powder.

[Whitney Cummings]

There were a lot of powders. Yeah, we're pushing a lot of powders.

[Grace]

We should have been flagged by the FBI for the amount of just like powders that were showing up to your house. Like, they should have been like, somebody needs to go and look through those packages.

[Whitney Cummings]

The number of pow powder is athletic greens. Oh, this powder.

[Grace]

It literally just only powders.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm. I only eat. Like, I just. I don't even. I'm like, does. Is any of this everything? Then it comes with a blender. Yeah, yeah, it's just. It's too much.

[Grace]

Oh, my God.

[Whitney Cummings]

So. Well, Tik Tok. Look.

[Grace]

Yeah, say it.

[Whitney Cummings]

I know it's your. Where you are off. And now I. I think it's a wrap.

[Grace]

No, I hate. I hate it.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm not saying no. I just mean I think we hit. We jumped the shark on TikTok.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Even Bethany Frankel was like, I'm not getting in the algorithm anymore. And she's like deep throating bagels at 2 in the morning and like screaming at women in the Chanel store. Like, if she.

[Grace]

She's being suppressed.

[Whitney Cummings]

She. I'm telling you.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, you think. Do you think it's because. Because a lot of people are being suppressed either if they have their monetization on.

[Grace]

I don't even know if it's like suppression so much as it's just not being pushed. Like, it's, it's not. I don't think it's so much like, we're not going to show people that as much as it's like we're going to show people these two specific things. Yeah, that's all. Because, like, if you.

[Whitney Cummings]

If you aren't abused by Zach Bryan, you are not getting in the algorithm.

[Grace]

No, literally. Exactly.

[Whitney Cummings]

Literally. Is he single? I will swipe right on him right now. Brianna is my friend, but I need to get in the algorithm. Sweet pea. I. It's like, well, ever since I had RFK on, I just. Like, just over. But TikTok now is just like, one. I mean, this dress, you can wear seven ways. You can wear it to a wedding, you can't wear it to anything. Do not wear that dress anywhere. That is the sluttiest dress I have ever scene. It's got, like, a mesh cutout down to your vagina. Up. And it's like, it slims your waist. And you can wear it to a christening.

[Grace]

And also, you can buy it on Amazon. It's just like, what? There are so many other places to.

[Whitney Cummings]

Buy your protein muffins. Are you getting the protein cakes? Protein muffins?

[Grace]

No.

[Whitney Cummings]

They are so moist in these protein muffins. I'm like, what a protein? Like, oh, we're in a different algorithm then. Mine is, like, protein muffins. Crystals in, like, a giant. Like a lazy Susan of sand, and these crystals just come up. I don't know what anyone's selling. There are these women that are just like.

[Grace]

It's targeted to you.

[Whitney Cummings]

So there are these women that are just like, lindsey. Yep. You get three stars, and you're now gonna get this extra special. I'm like, what's the product? And they're like, and you just won the diamond medallion. And they're like, but what's the product? Is it lip gloss? Is it necklaces? Is it iud? Like, what is it? And then there's just, like, Christmas trees around. I mean, one of my. Are we gone?

[Grace]

That's so funny, because all the products that get pushed to me are like, here's a book to read when you don't know books, when you don't know what the answer is.

[Whitney Cummings]

I haven't seen a book on an ad in 45 years. Last time I saw a book ad, I did it for mine. I don't.

[Grace]

What? No, it's like, this journal will help you figure out what's going on. That is so fucking rude. Every single time I open it, it's like, hey, you seem a little unsure.

[Whitney Cummings]

What are you watching on TikTok? Like, what? How do you get.

[Grace]

I don't know.

[Whitney Cummings]

This always blows my mind when we're getting completely different news and we're in alternative realities. Because, like, I go to lunch with somebody. I mean, we know that's not true. I will see someone at the Comedy Store. Sorry, you know what I mean? I'll be Texting with someone. Okay, let's just. And they'll be like, oh, my God, did you see, like, Putin is like, doing nuclear tests. I'm like, did. That's your break. My breaking. Did you see that? A coyote is hunting with a skunk.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

And can't. And they're joining forces in it. Like, like, that's the only news I saw today. Dude, do you know that plants talk to each other?

[Grace]

I did. I've seen that. I've seen that.

[Whitney Cummings]

Can't take it on. I was like, don' I. Now go. Don't show me that.

[Grace]

Oh, that's not interested. I do, I do. Occasionally I'll get like, video game content come up and I'll just be like, no, I don't. That's.

[Whitney Cummings]

Every time after you come over, I get TikTok. Do you want the Taylor Swift blanket?

[Grace]

I don't even get that.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's like a fleece Taylor Swift blanket that was made by some, like, Chinese children.

[Grace]

Oh my God.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. I don't know, dude. I. It's the ML, whatever pyramid scheme that is TikTok. Right now it's just qvc. But I just. I don't like it when a thing has their own, like, language already. And everyone's so familiar with it. It's like, and you just sent me two diamonds and you just sent me a. But like, as they're talking in real time and you can't see the comments.

[Grace]

Yeah. Ice cream yum.

[Whitney Cummings]

What's that?

[Grace]

Wait, have you seen. I hate this.

[Whitney Cummings]

I hate this.

[Grace]

Oh, you're. You're gonna lose your.

[Whitney Cummings]

What is that? We're just South Korea now. No, I've seen it.

[Grace]

You know what? Yeah. So it's like you can go on Tick Tock Live, which is just, you know, whatever, and people can send you gifts, which are like little. They're like little emojis. But they cost money.

[Whitney Cummings]

Money.

[Grace]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. These random, like, women, their whole gig is like, they pretend to be like a. Like a video game character essentially, like on TikTok Live. And people will send them stuff and they just sit there like, bouncing, and they'll be like, ice cream yum. Thank you, Rose. Haha. Ice cream Yum. Like that. They just do that literally all day long.

[Whitney Cummings]

Can you explain it from a psychological perspective? What. What we're doing? Like, are people giving. This is what I'm obsessed with. I'm obsessed with everyone. Like, the person doing that thinks they're getting money because they're doing that.

[Grace]

The one recording themselves and the Person.

[Whitney Cummings]

Giving money is like, oh, this poor thing. Let me just give her. Do you know what I mean? You know when, like, you think you're getting money for that and everyone's like, oh, God, just give her five bucks.

[Grace]

It's a sad. It's the real life. Or it's the online equivalent of like when somebody's busking, like, with a guitar and you're like, oh, buddy.

[Whitney Cummings]

And they're like, I just got. Yeah. That rendition of New York State of Mind. They loved it. And I'm like, no, I feel sorry.

[Grace]

Like, there's barely room for one Jason Morass in the industry.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's like when you see like, you know, someone's like, dude, I got like 10 million views on this video. And they're like, they were all hate watches, just so you know, comics. We set it around and we're like, look how embarrassing this is. Like, it's not.

[Grace]

People look at the comment, they're like, I got 30,000 comments on this video. And all of them are like, kill yourself.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, totally. So it's like when I just feel like we're all in this like myopic, like snow globes where we have no idea what validation. Like, we're just don't even know what we're getting, but it's like we just turn it into what we want it to be.

[Grace]

Engagements, engagement. Baby, baby. Dollar's a dollar.

[Whitney Cummings]

Football.

[Grace]

Football's on all the fucking time.

[Whitney Cummings]

Is there more football? Yes, than ever.

[Grace]

We are generating more football. There are more teams.

[Whitney Cummings]

It feels like there's more football.

[Grace]

You're not going to convince me that the Tennessee Titans have always been around. That's a new thing. You guys tend to sneak that in under the wire.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, I don't. These, the Pensacola Penguins, I don't remember. Are these new teams? Are these additional? Are these spin offs?

[Grace]

And in college they're like, well, yeah. Now, you didn't know that every single year Tennessee plays Western Guatemala State?

[Whitney Cummings]

I know that's a series.

[Grace]

That's not a thing.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't remember the Waco Wagoneers. And you're not gonna convince me otherwise. Like, there's. Here's why I'm obsessed with this. A couple of things. Because the way the TV business is changing and the entertainment is changing, I love that. Like, I was on a pitch today talking about, like, with a bunch of TV people and they're just like, we just don't understand why everyone's going to YouTube and podcasts. I'm like, you guys, you have shit the bed.

[Grace]

So hard.

[Whitney Cummings]

TV is so bad. People started watching the wnba. This. Like, men. Men would rather watch women play basketball than watch shows where you're trying to convince someone how to vote and, like, make your kid trans or whatever this show's about. You know, like, it's what. So I think. I think also in election year, people. It was so.

[Grace]

Anything else.

[Whitney Cummings]

Anything else. And there's also something about watching football being like, this is at least fair.

[Grace]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Someone's at least gonna survive this. Yeah. You know what I mean?

[Grace]

Hopefully.

[Whitney Cummings]

And then, you know, and. Yeah. And I don't know if you're Democrats are even watching it, because when you're watching a football game, you know, those people are pro abortion because they. The point is. I'm just saying football. I love watching football.

[Grace]

I love watching football, too.

[Whitney Cummings]

But I also think that there is something really. Sorry, you know, that I made fun of men most of my career. I have to make fun of everybody. It is wild when a woman has the audacity to be like. We're just, like, objectified. I'm like, have you ever watched football and worried about one of them?

[Grace]

Yeah, actually, college football.

[Whitney Cummings]

They're not getting paid in college football.

[Grace]

That's true.

[Whitney Cummings]

Have you ever been worried about any of their ankles once? Oh, never.

[Grace]

It's also like, yeah. It's one thing to. For a woman to be, like, scantily clad in, like, an acqua di gio commercial or whatever, but it's another thing to, like, watch a man literally break his femur in half. Like, literally have his heart stopped on the football field.

[Whitney Cummings]

No one cares.

[Grace]

That's crazy.

[Whitney Cummings]

Also, if I may, I. I'm really into watching football. You guys know this about me. I just. I think we have to do something about the NFL football players acting in commercials, because it's asking a lot. Sorry. I feel like I have a hair in my. It's. I just. What if an NFL player sees this? I just. It's asking a lot of, like. And then. So if that's the take you use, that means it was the best take.

[Grace]

Right?

[Whitney Cummings]

So this is the best one, right?

[Grace]

You guys shot 12 hours, but he's.

[Whitney Cummings]

Just saying, like, thanks, Quiznos, for coming through. It's like, you couldn't. I don't. What happened?

[Grace]

Like, handing himself.

[Whitney Cummings]

He's got a guy that just follows him around with ice, but you can't get him, like, an acting coach. Like, can we? It's your. It's just so cringe and it's so uncomfortable. It's also so funny. Because they're so tall that it's clear that the set designers didn't even put things high. Like, everything. It's so poorly shot because the athlete gets there and everyone's like, oh, yeah, we don't have a. We don't have a tripod that high.

[Grace]

Like, boxes for everyone.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, totally. Everyone's on it. There's no one's tall. Like, it's like always. Just looks terrible. Would you not buy. Well, why am I a Honda Civic if you know this guy? Name them, Art Monk. Name them.

[Grace]

Name them.

[Whitney Cummings]

Name.

[Grace]

You shouldn't have shown me that clip.

[Whitney Cummings]

Well, if you would let me finish. If you're. Let me know. Like, I mean, I just. I don't know.

[Grace]

Well, it's like, why am I. Why are you trying to sell me car insurance from guys that just, like, professionally crash into each other? That doesn't make any sense. Although, if you. If you think it's bad here, if you live in, like, a big, like, football market, like, in Kansas City, those two bitches, Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce, are on every single commercial, including, like.

[Whitney Cummings]

Local businesses, but also, like, the Travis Kelsey Pharma one. It also.

[Grace]

Pfizer One.

[Whitney Cummings]

Pfizer One. It also felt like he was like, you know, I'm doing this for the money. Right.

[Grace]

He's literally.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's fine.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Pfizer's like, it's fine. It's. Even if he's making fun of us, that's better than not having it. Like, it just feels like such a weird. I don't know. It just makes me so uncomfortable. And I don't. That's my problem with watching football, because some of them I don't even know. I'm like, I don't even know this guy.

[Grace]

Right.

[Whitney Cummings]

Is this. This is, like, number they. Travis passed.

[Grace]

Yeah. And they got this guy.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know what I mean?

[Grace]

But so happy to be there.

[Whitney Cummings]

Or it's some. Or sometimes it's a retired player. You know what? That should be the role. Retired players only.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, have CTE and need the money.

[Grace]

Oh, buddy.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know what I mean?

[Grace]

Yeah. They let the ones who are well enough, like, commentate on football, and then the other ones, they have to work for.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't feel bad watching football until I watch them act in commercials, because it is clear they have reigned damage. That's when you're like, oh, no. Yeah, this is wrong.

[Grace]

Well, they definitely can't read. They're being, like, fed their lines in an earpiece, you know, Just need you.

[Whitney Cummings]

To say orbit White. Like, that's all we need. That's all we need. Hold on. Can we stop? What? Okay, just.

[Grace]

We've been here 12 hours.

[Whitney Cummings]

I mean, we don't know that's all we need.

[Grace]

Yeah. We're about to break union rules just yet.

[Whitney Cummings]

Head down to Loman. Just. That's all I need from you. And they can't do it. Like, that's when I start getting worried for some reason. Basketball players are really good, though. I was just about to say basketball players are great.

[Grace]

Pretty much any other sport. I get behind it.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's Blake Griffin. Hilarious.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's when you're like, cte's real. There's a great. By the way, to be a dork real quick. Malcolm Gladwell did a great speech at Penn back in the day about this. About, like, ct. Like, college football should go away if they're, you know.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Because they're getting concussions and stuff.

[Grace]

Yeah, well, yeah. I mean, it just, like, cooks your brain. I mean, kids are playing tackle football in fifth grade.

[Whitney Cummings]

Right, right, right.

[Grace]

It's insane. For what reason?

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. To get the checks.

[Grace]

Yeah, I guess. I mean. Sorry. I liked the boys who could read. Sorry. I liked the boys who did musical theater. Sorry. Sorry. Football player.

[Whitney Cummings]

Great segue to our next topic. Everyone being gay and loving Wicked now, don't I. I've not seen Wicked.

[Grace]

I've seen it twice. I'll see it again. So.

[Whitney Cummings]

Grace, that is so.

[Grace]

I'll see it again.

[Whitney Cummings]

Hold your drink higher. Hold your drink.

[Grace]

I'll see it higher.

[Whitney Cummings]

Sorry. This is holding a football player.

[Grace]

I'm getting paid a lot of money.

[Whitney Cummings]

Look right down the barrel of the camera.

[Grace]

Did you see this?

[Whitney Cummings]

What?

[Grace]

No.

[Whitney Cummings]

Well, let me just. My thing. I need you to explain. I'm worried about every. Like, whatever's happening in this press junket is something is wrong. Yeah, like, whatever. Trauma, Bond or Stockholm syndrome. Why are they touching each other constantly? What happened on the set of this movie? I don't know what. And I love that everyone's worried about Ariana's weight. I'm like, this is what every actress looks like.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, what do you mean?

[Grace]

Well, it's also just like, this is what happens. Like, tell me you've never been in a musical without telling me you've never been in a musical.

[Whitney Cummings]

Because there's so much emotion.

[Grace]

There's. It's just like, what happens. Everybody's just like, I love you.

[Whitney Cummings]

Why? I just love you. See this theater kid? Theater kid.

[Grace]

You sing. You just sing together because it's so vulnerable. I don't fucking know.

[Whitney Cummings]

Then stop. Quit it. Can you cut it out?

[Grace]

I mean, cast parties are usually pretty fun.

[Whitney Cummings]

I mean, just cut it out. Maybe. Yeah.

[Grace]

I don't know. You know, I don't know. It probably takes them back to being in, like. Yeah, like, ninth grade. First, like, High School Musical cast party, and you're like, you're gonna get fingered for the first time. This rocks.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't mean by a guy who's gay. I don't.

[Grace]

Not a universal experience.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't mean it's always farther back than you think. I think that maybe this is tinfoil. After the Blake Lively movie and all those junkets. What? Being torn apart. What?

[Grace]

I know what you're gonna say.

[Whitney Cummings]

I feel like people are on to make the junkets weird.

[Grace]

Well, that and also they were just be nice. Whatever you guys do, be nice.

[Whitney Cummings]

But also, like, junkets now being like. Kind of like making us, like, being a conversation piece instead of just trailers. I'm not saying trailers. I'm just seeing really weird shit going on.

[Grace]

It's weird that there's so much. I mean, I guess that's just social media, but there's just so much press. Like, obviously everybody always did so much press, but I feel like we see more of it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Grace]

Yeah. You should just be on, like, Access Hollywood.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. But they won't stop touching it. Like, there's something bizarre about it.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Or maybe that's just what gratitude looks like from famous people. And I'm not used to genuinely having that. It also might just be that.

[Grace]

I think it might be that.

[Whitney Cummings]

I think we're so used to be, like. Yeah. I mean, a lot.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Tell me about. Why do I have to see Wicked? Is it going to change me?

[Grace]

It changed me.

[Whitney Cummings]

How?

[Grace]

I don't know. I've been waiting for this movie to happen since I was a child.

[Whitney Cummings]

Really? What's so good about it? Give me, like, Wicked movie review.

[Grace]

If I could take the whole thing, download it to my iPhone, turn up the saturation like 10, 10 points, it would be a perfect movie. The only thing that's wrong with it is the color, grading and a couple of the lines that they cut. I have.

[Whitney Cummings]

I. Oh, no, we've got a.

[Grace]

This is my most specific. This is, like, the reason why my voice is like. This is because I blew out my vocal cords trying to sing Wicked when.

[Whitney Cummings]

What's it about?

[Grace]

A witch.

[Whitney Cummings]

The Wicked Witch. It's like the.

[Grace]

It's like before Dorothy came to Oz. That happened.

[Whitney Cummings]

Copy, copy, copy. I was good. I wasn't like, what happened before she got there. I mean, I just. I just. I didn't watch that movie and go like, hold on, hold on, hold on, guys. But what was the backstory? Okay, here's the thing about wizard of Oz. I'm obsessed with the lore of the wizard of Oz movie, of the making of it. I want that movie, dude.

[Grace]

Like, 12 people died, dude.

[Whitney Cummings]

The one with the green face. Yeah, the one with the green face, though. It was like, arsenic or something.

[Grace]

Yeah, The Tin man got, like, aluminum poisoning because they were literally painting aluminum. Aluminum onto his skin.

[Whitney Cummings]

They're probably all drug addicts, too, but it's like. It's mostly true.

[Grace]

MGM was feeding them drugs.

[Whitney Cummings]

Mostly true. Right, right, right.

[Grace]

Yeah. I love Judy Garland's allowed diet. Every day was, like, three bowls of soup with, like, just broth and, like, 50 cigarettes. That would literally. That's what MGM said. That's all you're allowed to eat.

[Whitney Cummings]

That is so wild. And also, she got, like, hit in the face. Like, the director just hit her in the face because she, like, couldn't stop laughing. She was, like, having a laughing fit, which now is probably just, like, a starvation. Yeah, wicked. Fine, I'll go see it. What is it, three and a half hours? Do I have to?

[Grace]

It's two. Two hours and 40 minutes. Yeah. Buckle up. You can pee. When they. When they. During the song something bad. That's when you should go pee. Everybody hates that fucking song.

[Pat]

Name them something bad.

[Grace]

Name Dr. Dillamond.

[Whitney Cummings]

Name them Elphaba.

[Grace]

Also, it's the. You're going to hate this part, I think.

[Whitney Cummings]

I love that you think?

[Grace]

I'm going to go. No, you're not going to go.

[Whitney Cummings]

I want to go.

[Grace]

Animals have jobs. Like, they're like. There's, like, a goat who's a professor.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like a bear who teaches gender studies.

[Grace]

No, he teaches history, which is kind of the same thing.

[Whitney Cummings]

Whoa, whoa. So fiction. Okay. The animals have jobs, but it's not real animals. They didn't.

[Grace]

No, it's like cgi. It's. It's Peter Dinklage doing a British accent for no reason. It doesn't take place. No, he's not.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, you're right. He's not.

[Grace]

He's not. He's just. I was. I. Cause he's like.

[Whitney Cummings]

He's coming out as British.

[Grace]

The goat. Yeah. So somebody does transition. He's voicing the goat. And I was just like, whose fucking voice is that? I know whose voice is that? And then I was like, it's Peter Dinklage. But he's still doing Game of Thrones. Like, I think they were just like, hey, we need you to do ADR for the last. Like, there's a glitch on hbo. Like, just. Can you just do.

[Whitney Cummings]

Sure. I don't, like, when I hear a voice and I know who it is. Cause then I'm distracted.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm like, who is that?

[Grace]

It is distracting.

[Whitney Cummings]

I just like, yeah.

[Grace]

They should have gone with nobody.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Grace]

Yeah. Put me in.

[Whitney Cummings]

I would like to do a section that's just Whitney reviewing movies she has not seen. Like, I have such strong takes on. Like, I will defend the Joker all day long. I have not seen it, and I am sick of people attacking it.

[Grace]

I haven't seen it either.

[Whitney Cummings]

I think. I know. I know he knew what he was doing.

[Grace]

Who?

[Whitney Cummings]

I know which one. Name him. Who?

[Grace]

Todd Phillips.

[Whitney Cummings]

Joaquin Todd Phillips.

[Grace]

Oh, for sure.

[Whitney Cummings]

I know he knows what he's. If Todd Phillips makes a bad movie, it's on purpose.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Pat]

Don't you think?

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, I think Quentin Tarantino said he was like, oh, he's the Joker. He's, like, trolling Marvel or something like that.

[Grace]

I could see that.

[Whitney Cummings]

I mean, it's kind of like the ultimate, like, prank. It's.

[Grace]

I haven't seen it, but I believe it.

[Whitney Cummings]

I want to see it.

[Grace]

Did you see Megalopolis?

[Whitney Cummings]

No. Oh, yeah.

[Grace]

Remember when you tested for that movie? Yes.

[Whitney Cummings]

I auditioned for that movie.

[Grace]

You came back looking insane. And that was the moment when I said, I'm not seeing that.

[Whitney Cummings]

It was a. This is such a, like, core drama for me. It was like Francis Ford Coppola calling me, like, we want Whitney to audition for whatever this movie. Megalopolis. Is it out?

[Grace]

Yeah. It came out earlier this year to not go well.

[Whitney Cummings]

I guess I won that round.

[Grace]

No, you really did, actually.

[Whitney Cummings]

I will tell the story. I don't even care. Francophar Coppola, obviously. I mean, everyone's like, he's a fan of mine. I've named two movies, like, you know what I mean?

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

And I was like, okay, this is like acting. Let's go. All right, let's go. And it was only, you know, it was like, a couple pages I memorized. I'm working on it for, like, days, obviously, because it's transitory. Coppola. I go in. I'm in hair and makeup for three and a half hours, and they do makeup artists I love and know. Actually, it was like, Jheri curls on.

[Grace]

On your forehead?

[Whitney Cummings]

On my forehead. That were glued down.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay. Glued down. Like, what do you even call that.

[Grace]

Like a little curly glue, a little.

[Whitney Cummings]

Curly blue with, like. And then they put a crown on me. That was like a. Does it take place in ancient Rome or something?

[Grace]

Kind of.

[Whitney Cummings]

And then there was, like, a gold crown on me. Instant migraine. It's just like, right into my head. And then all this makeup, whatever. And then we go in and there's a film. A film camera, okay? Because it's. He's shooting it on film. Fine. So you go in and there's just like a. Like, what's that? It was just like a giant. There's, like a guy under a.

[Grace]

Drinking.

[Whitney Cummings]

Literally under, like, a black chic smoke. When it starts, I'm like, okay, we're shooting on film. Everyone is so quiet. There's no vibe of, like, we're at an audition. Hey, what's up? Hi. How are you? Nice to meet you. It's just, like, so awkward. And I go in. What am I wearing? I don't remember. And I go out and he goes. I'm like, okay, so, you know, where do you want to start first? And he's like, oh, no, no, we're not going to do the scene. I was like, okay, okay. It's three days of my life. And he's like, I believe it was.

[Grace]

Tell us a joke.

[Whitney Cummings]

He would just throw things at me, like, in an English accent, say goodbye to your son. Going to war. Go. I'm not kidding.

[Grace]

That is some.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm not kidding.

[Grace]

Like, cheapest acting class in Burbank.

[Whitney Cummings]

Shit, dude. And then it was like, and now your husband is leaving you for your sister. Australian accent. Go. And I was like, is I literally. Because I did the show punk? And I literally was like. I was like, if I'm being punk, this is genius. This is actually.

[Grace]

Have I never heard this?

[Whitney Cummings]

Because I disassociated the entire thing. It was like, I quit. I was like, I'm moving to Austin, okay? Like, I was done. Like, I started, like, glazing over. And then he was like, that was great. I don't know how. I don't know where I went. I just, like, completely disassociated.

[Grace]

Hello, governor.

[Whitney Cummings]

I, like, have fun at war, my love. Like, I was too loo. I was just like, what the fuck? Your son is going to. I don't have a son at this point. Like, I don't. And so I was like, this is just. I just, like, my soul, like, boycotted it. I was like. I was like, this isn't cool. Do you know what I mean? You can say there's going to be some improv. There's going to be some accent. Like, just don't.

[Grace]

Don't make me learn the scene.

[Whitney Cummings]

Totally. So then he's like, let's improvise around the scene. But I'm improvising with him.

[Grace]

And he's not an improviser.

[Whitney Cummings]

He's Francis Ford Coppola. He can make an amazing movie. I'm sure he's improvised on set a lot.

[Grace]

He's not past 401 at UCB, I'll tell you that much.

[Whitney Cummings]

He's not yes handed. I'm yes handed. And I'm like, look, this guy's got Oscars. Not for improvising. And I know I make a lot of fun of improv, but she's got chops, folks. So I'm, like, improvising my head off to just, like, nothing. And I was like, well, no, you have to say something. I'm like, is there a cast? Can I do this with anyone? Why am I acting with him? He's like, it's gonna be me and you and we're gonna improvise the scene. And I'm like, but you don't.

[Grace]

But it's like, just like the worst crowd work you've ever done in your life.

[Whitney Cummings]

Has anyone ever.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Told you the truth? Since the Apocalypse now, right? Has anyone told you the truth?

[Grace]

No.

[Whitney Cummings]

And then. No. No. Gets better.

[Grace]

Oh, my God.

[Pat]

I mean, the holidays, they're a time for what? Fighting? Questioning whether or not you're adopted? Praying that you're adopted?

[Whitney Cummings]

Yes.

[Pat]

Yes, maybe. But it's also the holidays are mostly for creating memories. Whether it's sharing a meal, decorating your home, taking a genetic test is adopted, or just gathering with loved ones. Some people have those.

[Whitney Cummings]

You guys.

[Pat]

Wayfair has everything you need to transform your space into a festive and welcoming haven. From stylish furniture to cookware, to magical holiday go. And unique gifts. One of my favorite things about Wayfair, it just makes things easy.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like most websites, you go to it. There's like a test to get in.

[Pat]

You have to tell them if you're a robot or not. You have to give them 17 codes. You got enough to know, like, your. Who your teacher was and how you have to go through a maze. Wayfair just makes it easy. You find everything you need for every style and budget. Whether it's like, throws and candles and dinnerware with peak elegance, or that perfect gift to make someone smile. Is that still a thing? Wayfair has you covered. And with fast, free Delivery on even the huge, cumbersome stuff. Getting your home ready is stress free. Imagine hosting, like, the perfect holiday dinner or curling up with family and a beautifully decorated home. Let's do it. Wayfair helps make those moments actually happen. It's about turning your home into the heart of the season. Visit Wayfair.com right now and get your home holiday ready.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's Wayfair.

[Pat]

W A Y-F-A-I-R.com Wayfair. Every style. Every home. I'm gonna.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm gonna level with you guys, okay? Most presents suck. I said it.

[Pat]

That's laughing.

[Whitney Cummings]

I just. They do you.

[Pat]

Okay? See, every. Every present I've gotten as a mom is a chore.

[Whitney Cummings]

It requires a battery. It requires, like, I have to give.

[Pat]

You know, my phone number to another country so they can spam me forever. Like, you don't know my size. No one knows anyone's size.

[Whitney Cummings]

Get out of there. Okay. What. What are you gonna get anyone? We have.

[Pat]

We have postmates, we have Amazon Prime.

[Whitney Cummings]

I.

[Pat]

If someone wants it, they have it, okay? Except this. This holiday season, honestly, this is my favorite gift. I'm giving this to everyone. The Skylight frame. It's a touch screen digital photo frame that connects your loved ones and you get to share pictures for realsies. Okay? Not just a frame. It's a way to share memories. Stay close, no matter the distance. Here's mine.

[Whitney Cummings]

I actually have it.

[Pat]

I use it. It's right here. It's easy. You send photos directly from your phone to the frame. The setup takes truly less than one minute. Even idiots can do it. I even did it. Okay, you can preload it with your favorite photos before you give it to someone. Like, you can put all the. I mean, I'm giving everyone this for the holidays and with the pictures of me and my baby to everyone.

[Whitney Cummings]

You don't.

[Pat]

You don't have to put their photos in it. Like, you know, I mean, you can.

[Whitney Cummings]

Put whatever you want.

[Pat]

You can put screen grabs of quotes if you want to change them. You know, you can, like, send hints by screen grabbing, like, book titles and being like, here, I got this for you. And they're like, what are all these.

[Whitney Cummings]

Book titles that are like, how to get Sober?

[Pat]

Like, oh, I don't know. It just came with the frame. You can send passive aggressive messages. Okay? You can do whatever you got to do.

[Grace]

All right?

[Pat]

It's a frame full of preloaded pictures or you get to send pictures to an email, update it. It's just genius. Skylight frame. It Comes with a sleek design, fits any home. It adds function, style, thoughtful holiday gift. I highly recommend it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Other gifts are dumb.

[Pat]

Let's just say it as a special offer. You're going to get $20 off your [e-mail] Whitney that's Skylight Frame. S, K, Y, L, I g, h, t.frame.com. look how cute that is. It just keeps alternating photos. Is that not the cutest thing ever? I just can't get enough. You got to do her/whitney.skylightframe.com Whitney oh, and look at. You can keep the photos moving faster if you want to swipe. Seems genius. I'm kidding.

[Whitney Cummings]

So I'm, like, kind of on the verge of tears because I'm so embarrassed. Like, these are cast. What?

[Grace]

Use that.

[Whitney Cummings]

I go out. He gives me a signed copy of his new book.

[Grace]

This I do know, because you came. You literally came home. I remember you walked in, you had this look on your face and all these fucking curls in your hair. And I just gave you a hug, which was weird for us.

[Whitney Cummings]

Really weird. That was the worst part of the day.

[Grace]

Are you okay?

[Whitney Cummings]

That's how bad it was.

[Grace]

And you were just like, I don't. You tossed this book on the table. You were like, I don't know what to do.

[Whitney Cummings]

He signed it in front of me, like, as if I had shown up to an autograph signing. As if I wanted, like, which, thank you, but, like, just don't give me the book. And let's do this for. Give me a.

[Grace]

That was a warmup, right?

[Whitney Cummings]

Like. And then gave me a bottle of Francis Ford Coppola wine. Like, you'll need this.

[Grace]

First of all, they cost, like, 15.

[Whitney Cummings]

I know. It's like, I got Elle. This is not. It was just so humiliating. Like, that's the only. And so confounding in that moment. I was just like. I thought I understood how this business worked in, like, some capacity.

[Grace]

That's crazy.

[Whitney Cummings]

It was wild. I would do anything to copy that just to get my reaction. He's like, and your son is going to war. English accent. I was like, I. It might have been before I stopped getting Botox. And maybe I just was like, just one crocodile tear. But I just remember being like. I looked up. I remember being like, Ashton Kutcher. There's no way he's doing. You know, he's writing the apology letter for. He's not available. But I was just like, this is the first time I truly thought, oh, I'm being punked. And this is, like, perfect. If someone could get me to do an English accent in front of Francis Ford Coppola. That is hilarious. That is so funny. That is so funny to me.

[Grace]

That's crazy.

[Whitney Cummings]

It was embarrassing.

[Grace]

They should do that for like they should do another jury duty, but with famous people, like auditioning for like Quentin Tarantino or something.

[Whitney Cummings]

And you know, the other thing I want to do, I've always wanted to do like, you know, in movies, like they'll do stand ins and the stand ins will run the scene and run the dialogue. I want to shoot the stand ins doing it and just make a movie of just the stand ins.

[Grace]

That's so good.

[Whitney Cummings]

I would watch that.

[Grace]

I would watch that too.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay. So did not do the podcast last week. It just wasn't happening. It wasn't happening. My brain was. My brain broke and had to give thanks. I did spend a lot of time at. No, I was honoring the indigenous people. I did not celebrate that massacre. But toxic that you did. I did go to the park a lot. I took my son to a playground.

[Grace]

It was weird.

[Whitney Cummings]

I was so weird.

[Grace]

What is she doing?

[Whitney Cummings]

My son at the park is such a hillbilly dude. All the kids are in like matching things. He's in barefoot in a diaper, literally. The fact that no one called child services on me is like wild. But my child is the only one that's not sick. All the other ones are just oozing at all time. Like, why is your child wet from its head? Like, they're all just like, get this kid out of here. What? They're all just like covered in slime. Like their face, their noses are. I'm like, my son is the only one not wearing shoes or a shirt, but he's the only one that's not sick. So whatever. I'm a scientist. So Grace and I were texting about what our topics were. Hers was kids at a dog park.

[Grace]

No. Well, yeah, People who bring their kids to the dog park wild. Like a. Like a 10 year old. Oh, like, like old and like too old to be carried. Like, if it's a baby that's. You're different. You got like the baby hooked into like the Bjorn. Like they're not walking around, but like a 10 year old who's going to be like, look at this cool toy. I'm going to pick it up and then run around and like maybe throw it. It's like dogs don't. Dogs can't differentiate you. And like another dog, like they're going to try and rough house with you.

[Whitney Cummings]

I love when something is Because I do this a lot. How? Something is like a topic, but then it just translates to you're mad at someone who's poor. Like, get a nanny for your 10 year old. Take your dog to daycare. Get your dog a dog. Like, the only solution is don't be poor. Yeah, but, like, what do you do?

[Grace]

It's a Silver Lake dog park.

[Whitney Cummings]

I just feel like we've lost whatever stuff that we're watching on Instagram. We're watching dogs and babies snuggle. We're watching people hold tigers. We've lost the concept that anything is dangerous.

[Grace]

Oh, that's a good point.

[Whitney Cummings]

You know what I mean? I think that's what. I went to the dog park when I. The number of. Because I was on the kids side. Mine separated.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Because I have never gone to the dog park with a kid. And now that I have a kid, I can't be on the dog side.

[Grace]

No.

[Whitney Cummings]

And all I. Now that I'm not at the dog park, it is a mess. Dogs are fighting. When I was there, it was. Everything was handled. If there was a problem, I handled it. Because if someone's dog is acting up, I'm like, you have to. I will kick people out of the dog park.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

I tell people, I'm like, I will take your dog and train your dog. Give me your dog for 30 days. You're gonna get like, you're not in control of your dog. Someone's gonna get hurt. And so look, you know, I'm the mom of the mutts, the princess of the pups, the champion of the canines. That should work, but Cs are stupid. I have notes for you guys and your dogs at the dog park. Okay, why does everyone. Everyone thinks their dog's a golden retriever.

[Grace]

Like, every 100% true.

[Whitney Cummings]

The denial about your dogs. You can't get a certain dog breed and think they're going to behave how you want them to behave. I watched a dog fight the other day with a Sharpay. Someone took a Sharpie.

[Grace]

Those are notoriously mean to other dogs, dude.

[Whitney Cummings]

And it's not. They don't. They're just trying to protect. They don't know they're being mean. It's your job to know. Are you loco, dude? That's like taking Azalea Banks to a ditty party. That is a deep cut. That is like taking Will Smith to the Oscars. Like, oh, my God. They don't mess with other dogs, don't play well. Do you remember Violet?

[Grace]

Yes, I remember Violet.

[Whitney Cummings]

I had Violet For a couple of years. And then you met her, I think, when we were Tail end.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. Like in the pandemic. Sharpays pick one person for their whole life. There's nothing else that matters to them. You realize that they're. Everything else is just in their way. The wrinkles on their face are for blood to drain off it when they're in fights.

[Grace]

Mine, too.

[Whitney Cummings]

Do you know what I'm saying? You have no wrinkles. Someday they belong, like, on a throne in China in, like, a velvet tp. They're not for dog parks. They're for cat people who are allergic to cats. Like, that's who a Shar Pei is. They're for people who want a tiger, but it's illegal. Like, I. Look, I love. Actually, I loved having a Sharpay. I loved Violet, but she could not fathom that anything else that moved around me should not, like, be murdered immediately. I mean, it's just like, well, that's.

[Grace]

My dog is not a Shar Pei. She's a. I don't know what the hell she is, but she's like, she's protective of me because she's a good dog. Like, you know, but she's. Oh, did you.

[Whitney Cummings]

Nope.

[Grace]

There's.

[Whitney Cummings]

Damn it.

[Grace]

Well, the shirt I was going to try and steal from you is now.

[Whitney Cummings]

So Grace came in and went, oh, that shirt's fun.

[Grace]

Oh, also, by the way, I walked in, Pat went, nice shirt.

[Whitney Cummings]

Pat is so random with this. When Pat gives me a compliment, I'm always like, huh?

[Grace]

It's always like, this was not a compliment.

[Whitney Cummings]

Cool haircut. Like, it's cool haircut. Oh, my God, dude, Pat. Here's what I'm realizing. Pat is always trolling and you really? Did I tell you what he said on a phone call recently?

[Grace]

No. God.

[Whitney Cummings]

Chris and I were dying. He was on a phone call. There was, like, a work call with, like, managers, like, agents and, like, social media team and stuff like that. And, like, there had been, like, some people that shot footage on tour, whatever, and it's like, different people in each city and, like, someone sent footage from, like, the New York show or something, and Pat was like, hey, so just, like, general note, like, when, you know, you get a filmer in another city, if they could just, like, move the camera, like, within, like, I don't know, like, two miles of Whitney, that'd be great. No, but, like, dead sir. And he was like, yeah, otherwise it just looks like it was shot on a potato 20 years ago. Sorry, dude.

[Grace]

Stand by my opinion on the.

[Whitney Cummings]

There was so Much like buried. Like, I have to clean up this mess. Can you guys just get your shit? Like, I shouldn't have to say this.

[Grace]

That's so funny. I'll just do it myself.

[Whitney Cummings]

But like, super helpful.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, so here's the thing. So if you could just do it within two miles of Whitney, that'd be cool. Like inside the venue would be great. Ideally she's like in the shot. That'd be cool. Like, just.

[Grace]

That's so funny.

[Whitney Cummings]

Shot on a potato. Chris and I have been laughing about shot on a potato.

[Grace]

I never, I never recovered.

[Whitney Cummings]

Shot on a potato 20 years ago.

[Grace]

20 years ago is incredible.

[Whitney Cummings]

I was saying how pat, like, he'll give you a compliment or try to be helpful and you don't realize till halfway through he's making fun of you. I would never figure it out. Cool. Cool shirt, Grace.

[Grace]

Nice shirt.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's it. Nice shirt.

[Grace]

Sure.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't know. I'm just saying, like, I know people are to come for me. What's new? Like, do you guys. Sharp. Their eyes are so deep in their head that you can't even see their eye. They can't see you. They're.

[Grace]

They don't move it on instant.

[Whitney Cummings]

They don't. They like, they only see their. Dude. When I would take Violet to, to the vet, they would come out in metal gloves. They come out in gloves with chains. Like when you go, like at night, like when you go look, swim with sharks. They put like chains all over your wetsuit. Like, dude, get them out of the quincera at the local dog park. Shar Pei are so smart. Dude, I tried to re home her. I don't think you knew me then. I tried to re home her and put her in a house. Looked like I go out of a door. She jumped over a five foot gate, opened two doors, nod out of a wooden fence. Half of her face, like came off because she. Once they decide something, they're not stopping what they're doing. Get them out of Build a bear. You guys were not doing. And also let me start by saying it is always the owner's fault. I'm not coming for your dog. I'm coming for you.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay.

[Grace]

A dog is either untrained or just like the owner should know better not.

[Pat]

To train your dog.

[Whitney Cummings]

My favorite is he's never bit anyone. Yeah, no, no one. No dog's ever bitten anyone until they bite. Yeah. He's seven months old. He's due. It's time.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Dog parks are so stressful and so overstimulating. And dogs, like make mistakes. And sometimes their owners are genetic mistakes. And so many people do not know what their dog is bred to do. So the dog's either stressed, has too much energy, then I end up having to put my finger in a dog's butthole. And I just got my Lisa Frank nails. I'm seeing a lot of herding dogs.

[Grace]

Is.

[Whitney Cummings]

Is your dog a herding dog?

[Grace]

No, I don't. I should think she's a mountain dog mix.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay.

[Grace]

She's a lazy, lazy bitch.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's good. That's what you want. Australian shepherds. What are you? They have to. They heard, okay? That's the only way they know how to experience.

[Grace]

They will herd anything. They will heard like small children if they're around.

[Whitney Cummings]

They heard cattle. Totally. They herd cattle. I don't see any cattle at this mall.

[Grace]

Right.

[Whitney Cummings]

And I don't see a leash on your cattle herding dog, do I? I have to leave the mall because you can't Google. Also, everyone in LA now has a husky all of a sudden.

[Grace]

Yeah. Well, if you go to a. When I was looking for a dog last January, I went to a bunch of different shelters and they're overrun. There were way more huskies than there were pitties.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, because people get a husky and then they realize they have a bear in their house.

[Grace]

Yeah, Okay. A bear who also screams.

[Whitney Cummings]

No.

[Grace]

Instantly.

[Whitney Cummings]

Huskies. A husky in Los Angeles, they're bred to pull sleds over long distances in sub zero regions. Okay. Following Andrew Huberman's protocol and doing a cold plunge, two minutes a day doesn't count towards your husky. This dog's supposed to pull a sled through the snow, not be a service dog on your southwest flight because you have fake anxiety.

[Grace]

Like, oh my God.

[Whitney Cummings]

And you don't understand why it's jumping all over people at the Cinnabon. Like there is. I got really into this. A Siberian Husky in 1925 made headlines when huskies rushed a life saving serum to Nome, Alaska to combat the diphtheria pandemic. This is what they're supposed to do. It ran 658 miles in five and a half days. I read that on American Kennelclub.com, my only source of news.

[Grace]

It's got to be real days. It's got to be real.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like they're bred for like that. Dude, if I see one, we gotta.

[Grace]

Get one of those to Wuhan just in case.

[Whitney Cummings]

If I see one more Akita at a dog park, I will lose the only marble I have left. I have one Marble.

[Grace]

It's hanging on my.

[Whitney Cummings]

I have one marble now. I already. It's hard. Like, they're Japanese. Okay? They're Japanese. They are bred to fight wild boars and bears. They're like the cybertruck of dog. They're very cool to look at, but I don't want one in my house. Dalmatians.

[Grace]

Do you know about Dalmatians fired Firehouse dog?

[Whitney Cummings]

Yes, but they were bred. Okay.

[Grace]

I don't know what they're.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yes, but they were bred to run alongside horse drawn carriages to protect the horses and the passengers from other dogs attacking. Same thing with fire trucks and stuff. Why are they playing with someone's newborn?

[Grace]

It's also like if you want a. Like a toy, you know, if you want a dog that's going to be. Get a shih Tzu. Like get a fucking. Get a little Chihuahua.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's the problem some people have. But then there's a Dalmatian at the dog park, so.

[Grace]

Right.

[Whitney Cummings]

The shih tzus get eaten. Gone. We know what happened to our shih tzu.

[Grace]

Oh, my God.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's just give. Set the dog up to win is all I'm saying. Stop getting dogs you have no idea how to own. Like if you're dumb, don't get a smart dog. Like, yeah, we just have to be humble. That's. I'm a klutz. We know this. I'm not going to get a tricycle. I'm not going to go near a trampoline. I know I'm in over my head. I know my limitations. This is why I don't go near cats. I know they're going to cast a spell on me and I don't want to talk to my dead mom right now. Thank you. I don't trust the cat is going to relay what I want to say verbatim. I'm not saying I don't love these dogs. I'm just saying put them on a leash.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

If they're going to run free with 50 other inbred dogs people bought on the Internet from some MLN woman that breeds Great Pyrenees and she's on her third divorce. Dude, you realize breeders, like, if you saw. They're like stage moms. Have you ever met a sane dog breeder? They're always in like a bump it there. Who buy the bump? Lila Rose had Tiger Kude. They buy all that shit on TikTok.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

The dress you can wear 52 ways. I knew a German shepherd breeder. Okay. Tattoo, lip liner, only drink Sunkissed.

[Grace]

Okay.

[Whitney Cummings]

They Always have like a jet ski in the driveway.

[Grace]

Also, she's gonna live to be 112.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's correct. That's so funny.

[Pat]

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[Whitney Cummings]

Ta da.

[Pat]

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[Whitney Cummings]

Here's how it works.

[Pat]

Download the free ibotta app add offers. Shop at your favorite stores, Upload your receipt.

[Whitney Cummings]

It is just that easy.

[Pat]

You can earn cash at over 1,000 retailers from grocery stores to big name brands like Macy's, Best Buy. And unlike other stupid apps, ibotta gives you actual cash, not just points. Not talk to a crypto. The average Ibotta user earns $256 a year. Imagine what you could do with that extra cash this holiday season. You could help get your friend out of jail when they steal a bunch of stuff because they didn't have ibotta. Maybe.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't know.

[Pat]

Or spoil your loved ones a little more.

[Whitney Cummings]

Or treat yourself to something Special.

[Pat]

Download the Ibotta app today. Use code Whitney to get $5 cash back. It's Ibotta I B O T T A in the App Store or Google Play. Code Whitney.

[Whitney Cummings]

You guys, the holidays. They're here. I know.

[Pat]

The Mariah Carey song won't stop playing. Time to find the perfect gift for the man in your life. And look, I'm just going to help you with this. Let's be honest. They're hairy, they're smelly. You need the manscaped Chairman Pro package. It is the ultimate grooming gift for the gorilla you fell in love with.

[Whitney Cummings]

He will actually use it. He will love it.

[Pat]

It's designed for comfort, precision, clean shave every time. The Chairman Pro. This thing is gorgeous. Okay. Interchangeable skin, safe blade heads. Flex adjust technology for the perfect shave. Waterproof design for easy use in the shower. The package also includes Power Shape Gel Face Shave Soother. Making a complete grooming experience from start to finish. Whether it's your partner, your brother, your.

[Whitney Cummings]

Dad, give them a gift you will.

[Pat]

Appreciate every single day. And with manscaped, you know you're giving quality and innovation. Stop with getting rug burn on your face every time you hug one of the men in your life. Get 20% off free shipping with the code [e-mail] that's 20% off plus free shipping with [e-mail] look at this. And it's Also easy to wrap. It's not some stupid package that's going.

[Whitney Cummings]

To take like a, you know, ribbon.

[Pat]

You just throw it at them.

[Whitney Cummings]

There was a breeder I knew that dread bred German shepherds. I know this is. I know you guys are going to come at me.

[Grace]

Oh, God.

[Whitney Cummings]

They're bred for war, right? Not to go in your purse.

[Grace]

They're police dogs.

[Whitney Cummings]

These animals are like the Ferrari of dog.

[Grace]

Yeah, dude.

[Whitney Cummings]

And people just have no idea. I know they're very sweet with you, but you just gotta. Dude, your Rhodesian Ridgeback is from Rhodesia.

[Grace]

It doesn't want to be.

[Whitney Cummings]

They were bred to hunt lions in Africa. If you've not trained this dog, maybe don't let it jump in the baby stroller. I just, I feel like it's like, it must be a California thing where they don't believe in dog breeds. Everything's trans now. They're like, I have a Ridgeback. But it identifies as a miniature poodle. Like, it's okay. Well, miniature poodles normally can't fit six crows in their mouth. Can you go handle that? It's get a little messy over there by the playground. Like, I have a Ridgeback. She's allowed in two rooms.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

In my house. And that's it. Yeah, as long as every door is locked.

[Grace]

Also, sorry, everyone in the house has.

[Whitney Cummings]

To wear like a medieval suit of armor if they want to meet her.

[Grace]

He hears. If she thinks that she hears something in the house, it's over. This bit, like, meeting will end. Podcast episode canceled. Everybody must vacate the property. She needs to do like 30 laps. She needs to find the source of the sound and then kill it.

[Whitney Cummings]

There's no stopping her. There's no like, which is good.

[Grace]

That's what she's wired to do.

[Whitney Cummings]

But that's why I get to live here alone. And I have so many people that wanna murder me. But I still feel safe.

[Grace]

Oh, my God, dude, when I was house sitting for you, this was like two years ago here by myself. Of course. It's a big ass in the middle of nowhere house, like property. I wake up at three in the morning to a scraping noise. I was like, what? Who is scraping? I was like, I'm about to die. This is the day that I die.

[Whitney Cummings]

Me exfoliating.

[Grace]

Yeah. Mona's in the bed with me. I'm like, let's go. I let her out first. She hears it too. She was on edge. We go outside. I opened the door expecting to see like a man in a full face mask coyote dragging a 50 pound bag of dog food up your driveway. Literally, it's halfway up the driveway, just like, muscled. Mona, of course, loses her shit, chases it off. The coyote is, like, barely scared, first of all, runs to your gate, literally levitates up the gate onto the top of it, and just like, disappears into the night. It was one of the scariest things that's ever happened.

[Whitney Cummings]

Coyotes are wild, dude. They. I mean, I have. You've seen the video of me shooting at a coyote with a bullet. What was that? A BB gun. And it's looking at me like. Like. I mean, it's laughing at me. And I'm not even kidding. I just. Yeah, I don't roll the dice. And here's the thing. Yes. When she has something, when she hears something above her. So when people like, well, they're nanny dogs, they love babies. They do pit bulls and ridgebacks, but it's because the number one way the babies would die back then were rats. Haha. Joke, joke. Comedy podcast. Babies die from being eaten by rats. Like, let the comedy begin. And so when they hear scratches that they think it's rats in the wall and they lose their minds. Dude, Mona has torn up. Remember when she would tell. Oh, my God. But it's like, she doesn't just tear things up. It's like the entire floor. Hey, babe, can you keep wrinkling paper? Could you just. Do you have any.

[Grace]

Is that a diva cup? What is that?

[Whitney Cummings]

Can I have this? So we're gonna stop in the dog breeds for a second. I'd like to take some time to basically do like a impromptu better help ad. My boyfriend has started collecting miniatures, and I'd like to know what I should do about it. This is a beanbag chair.

[Grace]

Yeah, well, it's a love sack.

[Whitney Cummings]

What's a love sack?

[Grace]

Which is the worst name for.

[Whitney Cummings]

Cause it looks like a pocket pussy. Is that why. Oh, what's that?

[Grace]

Oh, what is that?

[Whitney Cummings]

It's a little piece of Tupperware.

[Grace]

You have an infant in your home.

[Whitney Cummings]

I know.

[Grace]

That is going to end up in the folds of his small intestine.

[Whitney Cummings]

He literally came home. He literally came home and was like, like. And he was like. He had a mini coffee maker, a mini chair, a mini shoebox with a pair of shoes in it. Reebok poms. Reebok poms. What are these? What are we doing? It's just everything except an engagement ring.

[Grace]

What are we building a Polly pocket house?

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. What is the. Is this a crisis? Can you just cheat like a normal man?

[Grace]

Also, are these from ETSY because that's kind of her thing.

[Whitney Cummings]

I know that's my thing. I did. He was like, I got all these minis. And I was like, I can win this just by accident. I have so many mini things everywhere.

[Grace]

You were like, that's so funny because I also bought that on Etsy, but I thought it was a full size chair there.

[Whitney Cummings]

What do. Do you want to talk about this later, babe, or did you just go to Michael?

[Grace]

You're gonna talk for a while. I should mic him up, that's for sure.

[Whitney Cummings]

Nope, he doesn't want to weigh in. I'm just asking for you guys, do I let this go on or do I. What do I do?

[Grace]

Comment down below. I think encourage it. I'm curious to see.

[Whitney Cummings]

Comment below. Anyway, what were you talking about? Oh, my dog will kill you. And it's not. She's not trying to. She's just trying to send a message. And you're, you know, you're, you know, collateral. It's just, you know what I'm saying? Your vertebrae's in the wrong place. And, you know, eyeballs are just like smucker's jelly in, like, a very light casing of plastic, you know? But I don't lie to myself about it, and I don't lie to other people. I'm not like, she's just really friendly. Yeah, no, I'm like, please, please slowly back out of the room and do not make eye contact. Okay.

[Grace]

No, I'm the same way with my dog. Is like, my dog is great with other dogs. She's slow to warm to people. And with new people, I'm like, no, she probably doesn't. They'll offer her their hand or whatever, and she'll rebuff it, and then they'll go after her. I'm like, hey. So she said no.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's good.

[Grace]

She said no, she's good.

[Whitney Cummings]

But there's nothing like being rejected by a dog. People can't handle it.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

But also, you don't need to be friends. You're never gonna see this dog again. You don't need the inside of my dog's mouth on your hand anyway. Like, why are. Don't. Why.

[Grace]

Right?

[Whitney Cummings]

Which is when someone comes over and it's not you guys. She's in a crate. She's in a. She's wrapped in duct tape. I don't just let her mummify. I just don't let her roam the house. Like, I don't need to get sued. Okay? I don't like from Everything I have built because I didn't take two seconds to gander at a Google of what my ancestors. You know, what my dog's ancestors did 2,000 years. She is a perfect angel. Most of the time.

[Grace]

She is. I would die for her.

[Whitney Cummings]

But 1% of the time is the only percent of the time I'm going to think about.

[Grace]

Right.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay. Because if she makes that one mistake, that 1% of the time, I'm going to be selling dresses you can wear six ways on TikTok. And I just don't think I can do it.

[Grace]

Oh.

[Whitney Cummings]

Anyway, so get. Get your dog on a leash. I mean, I saw. It was. It was like, did Michael Vick move to la? There were just dog fights that happened.

[Grace]

To me the other day.

[Whitney Cummings]

Huh.

[Grace]

They like, somebody was in the dog park with what seemed to be a.

[Whitney Cummings]

Gaggle of dogs, a dog walker with.

[Grace]

A pack training them.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's not okay.

[Grace]

No. And I was just like, because that's a pack. Yeah. And I think that is exactly what it was.

[Whitney Cummings]

You're not supposed to do that.

[Grace]

And he was like offering lick corrections to a bunch of the dogs. And there was a guy with him who he seemed to be like, training. And I was immediately just like, I don't like this.

[Whitney Cummings]

You're going to train them with a bunch of distractions.

[Grace]

Right?

[Whitney Cummings]

Here's. Oh, another thing. This is also, like, public service announcement. Your dog's collar should not have a bell on it or a bunch of clanky clanky. Because your dog can't hear anything else.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Why do you have a janitor's key ring full of 50 keys on your dog's thing?

[Grace]

It's also like, it's not a cat. Where they're gonna hide in your house and you'll. You won't find.

[Whitney Cummings]

Why is your dog the ghost of Christmas past with a. They can't hear you.

[Grace]

Your dog is in stomp.

[Whitney Cummings]

You can't. Everyone's like, he won't listen. He won't listen. I'm like, yeah, because he has. He can't hear you. The dogs have amazing hearing and you have a stupid. And then when they go to eat. My dog won't eat. Is the giant thing in the metal disc that you have on its, you know, collar hitting the metal bowl. Yeah. It's. You know what I mean? So I. I can't. Because I can't go to dog park anymore because I'm just like, hey, you know why this is happening, right? Like, I can't figure out a relationship, but I can tell everyone what's wrong with their dogs? All right, well, we really dug in and I'm looking forward to all of you yelling at me that I don't understand your dog and that I was wrong and that your dog's different and that I don't know anything about dogs or cats and I'm racist towards certain dog breeds.

[Grace]

That's true.

[Whitney Cummings]

You are. Let me have it. Let me know.

[Grace]

This woman has kept two dogs separate in her house. They both live here for years, so I think she knows what she was talking about.

[Whitney Cummings]

Three years. Three years. Now they have lived separately.

[Grace]

Yeah. They have beef.

[Whitney Cummings]

I don't. Here's the thing about me. I only need to see something once and I got it.

[Grace]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

I got it. Like, I got it. Like, I. You know what? I have all the information I need. I'm not like, that was a one time thing. Oh, they got it out of their system. Like, I see the lies that people that have tell themselves.

[Grace]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

And like, no, no, no. That was a one time thing. That was just because the bully stick. It was. Was. That's good then.

[Grace]

Yeah. No, I brought my dog to my office one single time and she was a nightmare. And I said, great, never again with.

[Whitney Cummings]

Their dogs at the office.

[Grace]

Never again.

[Whitney Cummings]

That dog evolved to chase bears. And you have it at Tick Tock offices.

[Grace]

Yeah, one time at a wework. Well, I was like, oh, she's protective of me. I can't bring her here.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, no.

[Grace]

Lesson learned.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, yeah. Oh, she's just protective.

[Grace]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Whitney Cummings]

And I look like I'm attacking you because I have to give you this papers.

[Grace]

I love the idea that at the TikTok offices, which I don't even work at TikTok, but they're. That they're giving out faxes. Oh, yeah, I'd love to.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm telling you, Grace doesn't work at TikTok.

[Grace]

I work in the realm of TikTok.

[Whitney Cummings]

What do you do?

[Grace]

Wouldn't you like to know?

[Whitney Cummings]

No, but I. There's this new thing where whenever I'm like doing a show and I ask people what they do, no one knows what they do.

[Grace]

Yeah. No, every job is made up so wild.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, people be like, I'm a consultant. I'm like, for what? And they're like, why recruit?

[Grace]

That is so.

[Whitney Cummings]

And you're like, what? And they're like, I'm. I'm the manager of operations. I'm like, so the manager. And like, no, the.

[Grace]

And I'm like, it's a lot of, like, presentations and like building decks for what numbers Unclear. What?

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, I'm a supervisor of the operation. What's the difference between the manager and the supervisor? Who do you. Super. Does anyone know what they do? Like, I am fascinated also.

[Grace]

Like, I work for Deloitte and I'm $600,000 a year.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. It's a money laundering team. You're like, it's a way to launder money. It's just like a fake job. But I just think it's. So you don't work at TikTok?

[Grace]

No, I write TikToks for brands to post on their TikTok pages.

[Whitney Cummings]

About.

[Grace]

About.

[Whitney Cummings]

Dress you can wear six ways.

[Grace]

Yes.

[Whitney Cummings]

You can't wear it six ways. You can't. When they're like. When they're like, you can wear it this way and then you can wear this way. It's like, yeah, I can. I can put it off my shoulder. A T shirt off my shoulder. I can wear it that way.

[Grace]

They're just inventing Seventeen magazine spreads.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Grace]

That's what they used to put in Seventeen magazines.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. They're like. And then you can do it this way. And then you can pull it up a little. Yeah. But then tie it in the back. You're like, no, we all.

[Grace]

It's a T shirt. Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's like, we've all turned a shirt into a bikini top. We know how to.

[Grace]

We've all been in 11th grade.

[Whitney Cummings]

We know how to turn a dress into a sluttier dress. Don't pretend this dress can be nine dresses.

[Grace]

Oh, you didn't have to walk past your parents going out in high school.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You boom and then go out and you pull it out. Like, it's just so insulting. You can wear it seven different ways. Everyone's going to know it's the same dress. They're going to be like, why did she change the dress from last night? That was weird, right? No one's like, that's a different black dress.

[Grace]

That's just a tube of stretchy fabric.

[Whitney Cummings]

Because you're also the person at the party who's like, and I can wear it six ways and I can do this. And it's like, oh, God. God. Jenny's going on about the different ways she can just like. Because anyone that buys the dress you can wear six ways, she's going to show it to you.

[Grace]

Oh, yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

She's going to show you all the ways she can wear it.

[Grace]

She's going, that is nifty.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. She's buck naked. Like, and you can. And you're just like, honey, we got. I got it. It's good.

[Grace]

Sold.

[Whitney Cummings]

Like, I didn't even notice your dress. Like, what are we. We're at a school orientation.

[Grace]

Oh, my God.

[Whitney Cummings]

Sweetie. Like, this is. It is the sluttiest dress I've ever seen. You can wear it six ways, babe. I wouldn't wear it once if I were you. I just. There's no occasion to wear it.

[Grace]

Also, don't try and wash it if you got it on TikTok shop. Cause it's gonna shrink. It's gonna be baby clothes.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's. You'll be able to wear it one way. As the fingerless gloves.

[Grace]

Yeah, exactly.

[Whitney Cummings]

All right. I love you guys. Don't ride elephants. New tour dates are coming soon. Bye.